My Therapist Broke Up with Me: Confessions of a Former Party Gremlin

TRIGGER WARNING: This episode deals with the topic of drug and alcohol addiction

What happens when the party girl presses pause on the party? In this vulnerable conversation, Britt opens up about her journey through addiction and sobriety, revealing the messy, beautiful transformation that came with putting down the bottle.

Two years into her sobriety from alcohol, Britt walks us through the phases of her recovery journey, from quitting party drugs in 2022, to alcohol in 2023, and eventually cannabis just seven months ago. She doesn't sugarcoat the process, sharing how substances became less about fun and more about escape.

The conversation delves into those rock-bottom moments that preceded her decision; the blackouts, the dangerous drives home, and the embarrassing explanations to concerned friends. Beyond the external changes, Britt reveals the profound internal transformation that occurred once she stopped numbing her emotions.

Whether you're sober-curious, in recovery, or simply interested in authentic conversations about transformation, this episode offers both cautionary tales and hopeful insights into what happens when we finally face ourselves, unaltered. 

Want to share your own gremlin story? Email us at [e-mail] (and let us know if you'd like to remain anonymous).

Follow along on Instagram and TikTok @emilytogremilypod and watch full episodes on YouTube.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, I just wanted to hop on here real quick
at the top.
This episode has a triggerwarning attached to it.
It deals with drug and alcoholaddiction as well as recovery
and sobriety, so just wanted tolet everyone know in case those
are sensitive topics for you.
And with that I hope you enjoythe episode.

(00:21):
Cheers, I like your nails.
Thank you, thank you, welcome.
This is episode five of Emilyto Grammarly, and I'm here with

(00:44):
one of my longest and oldestbesties, britt hey.
So what's been new with you?

Speaker 2 (00:56):
Oh, that's a loaded question.
We can talk about the funthings Fun.
What are the fun things?
What are the fun things?
I don't know.
Um, I'm in school, a doctorateprogram.

Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yes, that's not very fun, though I mean I think it's
fun, it's exciting you havesomething new going on it's fun
when you think about all thepaths that have led you, led me
to where I'm at.

Speaker 2 (01:22):
So, yeah, I guess it's fun.
Um, I'm creating new businessventures and websites.
Yeah, and hang out with my catsa lot.
We love a cat hangout.
I've turned into the lonesomewoman with her cats.
He plays fetch, though I throwthe ball and he comes back.
Yeah, she has two cats, twokitties.

Speaker 1 (01:43):
We have Binks and Cash Purr purr.
Yes he's the fave oh, you havea favorite.
Now I do have favorites.
Oh, it's scandalous, but I lovethem.

Speaker 2 (01:53):
But child, oh, everyone does, everyone has a
favorite child I'm an only childso I am automatically the
favorite.

Speaker 1 (02:00):
I don't know if that's good, that I'm the
default, but I am the favorite.
Complex.
Well, what can we do?
And today we have our episodedrink is a mocktail.
We'll tell you why in a second.
But we did a cherry kissmocktail and it's actually
pretty good.
I was telling her before westarted this I feel weird doing

(02:23):
this sober, which I think says alot about me.
It's not very good.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
You know what, so do I.

Speaker 1 (02:31):
But we are doing a mocktail today, not for me but
for her, because she is a soberSally.

Speaker 2 (02:43):
I am a sober sally.
How long?

Speaker 1 (02:45):
have you been on your journey of sobriety?

Speaker 2 (02:48):
I feel like it's come in phases.
Okay um, do you?

Speaker 1 (02:51):
have like a date that you've I do that you started.
Yeah, I mean I kind of have ageneral idea, I just don't know
what the date is well, january4th for alcohol of 2023.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
so I just passed two years and some months.
Um, I quit anything party drugrelated.
Um, some were just fun here andthere, and there was definitely
one of you know in that mixedbag that was very habitual, yeah
, and I quit that all of theabove at the end of August in

(03:24):
2022.
Nice.
And then I stopped smoking,mary Jane, about seven months
ago.
Okay, so there's been phasesand levels to each of them, and
now I'm just like Now she's justliving life like a normal
person.

Speaker 1 (03:43):
That's why.
I'm at home with my cats sowhat would you say would be like
your turning point for, like,wanting to go completely sober?

Speaker 2 (03:56):
I know, yeah, that might be a loaded question if
you want to just stick to likethe alcohol part of it, or you
know, um well, I think I wantedto get sober a lot way before
than I actually did um, and Ithink I would try um, you know
I'd go a couple weeks here andbe like whoa and you know, 30
days.
Here I mean small wins yeah, abigger success you know, and

(04:19):
sometimes I would make itthrough that the all the 30 days
or all the couple of weeks.
Sometimes I would flop and notmake it in, but it'd be like,
hey, at least I made that.
Yeah, um, but there was alwaysthe intention like I just got to
prove to myself that I can gothis long.
But I was like I'm going back,you know I'm gonna drink, and
then I would just end updrinking the same way, the same

(04:40):
amount that I would had I nottaken a break at all right, you
were like making up for losttime exactly so, um, kind of
just like, those breaks didn'treally I mean, yeah, they didn't
really count, I don't think,because there was never that
like solid, like okay, likesomething's got to change.
It was just more like yeah, Iwant to do this for myself, but

(05:01):
this, um, I knew I wanted tostop anything party related
because it started not to be fun.
Yeah, like it, just it wasn'tlike, it didn't feel as fun
before it loses its sparkle yeah, you know, and I not, I had
some good times.
Yeah, there were, there weresome great times, weaved into,
you know, the degenerativelifestyle yeah, we spiraled

(05:22):
several times.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
Yeah, several is like the understatement of the year.

Speaker 2 (05:26):
We were like spiraling queens yeah, there,
you know, there's some goodtimes, there was some bad times,
bad times there you know,whatever, yeah, and so I knew I
wanted to stop that because itjust it wasn't feeling as fun.
It was just like okay, and thenI wasn't doing it as frequently
because I just, you know, Ididn't like it and I was like,
okay, I want to stop whatever.

(05:47):
And then the hangovers gotsignificantly worse,
significantly worse, towardslike okay, well, I don't even
like this.
This is just inducing myanxiety, not to say that it
wasn't before, but like I don'tknow, I was having a good time
before.
It was the bad started tooutweigh the good.
Yeah, you know, if you'rearound for the corded headphones

(06:08):
, I would fall asleep to likeviolin or saxophone music,
because I would just be sostrung out and be like I need to
sleep, um, but yeah.
So I wanted to stop that and Ithink because I started my
doctorate program in Septemberof 22 and I was like it just
doesn't feel right to be likeI'm literally going to a medical
school, like I don't like thehow embarrassing if they're like
checking out my nose, andthey're like also like I just

(06:32):
knew for what needed to come forme, like I couldn't quite do
that, not being as clear-headed,so and that was just like, okay
, like I'm good, and that wasfairly easy to quit, just
because it was a phase and I wasdone.
And then I knew I wanted to stopdrinking.
But then I went, like you know,I was like, oh, maybe I'll go

(06:57):
through the whole term withoutdrinking.
Or, you know, start with the 30days or the full term or
whatever.
And I didn't do it, or the fullterm or whatever, and I I
didn't do it.
You know, like I knew I wantedto because it was just like,
okay, quit that, okay, quit this.
And then I still kept drinkingthe same amount.
And for anybody that isfamiliar with the party habits,

(07:18):
you know, quote unquote onecancels out the other.
You do you know, that, yeah,whatever, um, I was still
drinking the the same amount, um, and yeah, so you were, yeah,
you were getting a little, yeah,a little crazier yeah you know,
and, like you know, I had justput down my cat, so like that
was kind of like breaking theseal of like drinking again, so

(07:42):
that.
And then you know, I think I'vedrinking enough times to know
that there is no moderation.
Um, there's probably been ahandful of times where I'm like,
okay, cool, like I've had acouple drinks and I'm chill
maybe, but like that's very few.

Speaker 1 (07:56):
I've drinking enough times to know that there it's
honestly easier to not drink soyou feel like you're not one of
the those people who can havelike a cocktail and then call it
a day.

Speaker 2 (08:04):
I wish I was, and maybe one day I will be.
I don't know, I don't trustthat.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (08:10):
I mean for some people like they can't.
If you have one, then you justruin your life.
You burn down the house.

Speaker 2 (08:18):
Luckily I have not quite.
You know, probably back in theday I probably did think I
ruined my life at some point.
But here we are, we're good.
Yeah, you survived, yeah, andso it just I just knew it
started not to feel right, likeI was waking up, feeling super
anxious, anxiety, um, also, theamount of like alcohol I
consumed was like somebody who'snot drinking for fun, yeah, and

(08:41):
maybe it started out drinkingfor fun like okay, yeah, I'm
gonna.
But it was more of like anescape and like someone like
masking the yeah, and then thatexplains like why I would just
like fucking get strung out, youknow, and just like black out
and drink, you know, and I'd bewith people and I'd be drinking,
and then I'd go home andeveryone's like normal and
they're like okay, time to go,and I'm just like what do you
mean?
I'm like ready to go, so I'd goto bars by myself or I'd go

(09:04):
home and like I think in that,like before I stopped drinking,
in that December of 2022, I wasliving with roommates at the
time and I'd come home I don'tknow, either come home from work
or come home from being outwhatever I was loaded.
I wanted to drink and, um,because that's, that's how it is
for me, like I start drinkingand then I want to continue

(09:25):
drinking until I'm literallyincapacitated and cannot drink
anymore.
Yeah, hence why we don't drinkanymore.
But my roommates had like atall what is this?
The gray goose?
Bottles, but like I'm tellingyou like tall they're like
novelty almost yeah and I'dended up drinking it down to
like about here.
Oh my, like I you were justgoing.

Speaker 1 (09:45):
Yeah, binging.

Speaker 2 (09:46):
I fell, I tripped in my own room, you know whatever,
and I I knew there was somethingthere, but I just wasn't sure
like what it was.
All I knew is just like okay,like I need to stop, because
something's going to happen thatI can't come back from.
Also, it gets really tiredexplaining to your friends that

(10:08):
you really just don't know whyyou're drinking that much.
Yeah, you know at some pointit's like okay, like well, if
you don't know why, maybe youshouldn't.
Um, and I just didn't, like Iwas judging myself and I felt
like just judgment or likedisappointment from the people
that care about me, from youknow, because it's like jesus,
like you can be so great, youare so wonderful, but when you
get to that level, you are justnot the best yeah, you're not
your best yourself.

Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, I definitely remember a few times where it
like, if we were out, likehaving fun or doing this or that
there was, you would hit like apoint where then you like you,
you turned into a differentperson it was a switch.
You, you gremlin out but in areally bad way.
But yeah, it was a definiteswitch and there were a few

(10:46):
times, I remember, where, like,I turned around and you were
gone and I was like where thehell did she go?
And they were like, oh, shejust drove off.
And I was like, no, and I youknow it was I couldn't call you.
Because I'm like, if I call her, I know she's on the freeway
right now, she's drunk out ofher mind, she's.
If I call her, I'm going todistract her, I'm just going to

(11:08):
wait the you know 20 minutes andhopefully she made it home, and
then I'll be like, are you safe, are you okay?
And then, thank God, you alwayswere, but you definitely like
you would just you would turn.
Oh, when I wanted to leave, Iwas out, you were gone and you

(11:29):
went.
Irish exited every single time.
And then it became the worry ofI really fucking hope she made
it home.
Yeah, and thank God, praise thegods, the spirits, whatever, we
believe in that you were safeevery time they needed me to be
alive.
Yes, you know you have apurpose in life if you made it
through all of that and you'restill here.

Speaker 2 (11:47):
Yeah, safe some questionable yeah and then
there's sometimes I'd come backto my car the next day and I'd
be like I'd just be a littlepuzzled as to well one either
the parking job, like told meyeah, or two, I'd just be like,
how did you do this?
and in time, you know there aretimes where I was driving'd just
be like, how did you do this?
And in time, you know there aretimes where I was driving I'd
be like, please just let me gethome, like I promise, like I'll

(12:10):
shape up, and there's only somany times you can be like I
promise I'll do this.
And then you know, continuedoing it.
But I remember just being superlocked in as much as I could be
, and luckily I've made it homeevery single time.
Yeah, and luckily I've made ithome every single time.
Yeah, um, and so that was kindof like a turning point, too, to
where it's like, okay, I don'twant my career, like my future,

(12:31):
to be over before it has evenstarted.
Yeah, and so, uh, that JanuaryI think it was after New Year's
I had a really great time wentto an event, ate some mushrooms,
drink it was, it was so fun,right, definitely woke up
hungover and then I drank like Iwas, like I knew this time I
knew I was like, okay, I don't,like I'm not planning to go back

(12:51):
, like I actually want to finishthe term and see how long I can
go without drinking.
And then it was never like oh,I'm never drinking again.
Um, I think that's too muchpressure to put on someone to be
like a forever thing maybe Ihave commitment issues.
I don't know that's for anotherepisode, yeah, but um, it was
more of like I'm gonna continuedown this path of not drinking

(13:13):
and being sober until it feelsright to drink.
Right like if it feels right.
Don't like if I'm in italysomewhere and and I say this
just without being there, but ifI'm in italy having like a nice
you're, you're manifesting.
Yes, like I might want to havea glass of wine Right, like I
might want to indulge.
I don't know if I would do thehard alcohol thing.

(13:36):
So you think maybe you'll stickto like kind of like beer and
wine as opposed to like thespirits See, I don't even know,
we don't know, I don't know butI would like to be able to get
to a point to where, like maybe,like if I wanted to have like a
glass of wine to enjoy a mealand it's like really intentional
and purposeful, yeah, I wouldlike to be able to do that.
I don't trust that I could,okay, and I definitely.

(13:57):
It just doesn't feel right.
Do you feel like?

Speaker 1 (13:58):
maybe if you're further along in your recovery,
that would change.
Or you think maybe you'realways just going to have the
reservations.

Speaker 2 (14:09):
I don't know.
I think that the amount ofclarity that I've gotten from
being sober and the things thatI've found out kind of makes me
curious to like what is likewhat more there is to kind of
uncover, and I like the idea ofbeing able to be clear and
level-headed.
Um, and honestly, there's apart of me that's either scared
or I don't trust, that I willjust like won't turn into, like

(14:31):
this feral animal that's beencaged up.
She's like I'm a freak, I'mgoing, let's go there's probably
still a tendency for her tolike come out, yeah, um, and I
don't, I don't know.
So for now, it's just like itfeels right for me to not drink.
And I've had people come up tome or not come up to me.
If people reach out to me, youknow about like asking, like how

(14:53):
I've done it?
You know like their struggleswith sobriety Even had family
member, my sister, she evenstopped drinking as well and she
struggled with it.
You know I even have myfather's struggle with alcohol
and addiction and stuff likethat.
So to have people reach out orto know that I kind of model

(15:14):
potential for other people, thatmakes me feel good and that
also makes me feel like I know Idon't owe anyone anything and I
don't have any responsibilitiesother than to myself, anyone,
anything, and I don't have anyresponsibilities other than to
myself.
Yeah, but it kind of makes mefeel like I have some sort of
responsibility to keep it up, asif I'm this um, I don't know
role model or like, uh, sponsor,yeah, have you ever not?

Speaker 1 (15:36):
to be like full of myself or anything like that.
But have you ever gone to likeAA meetings or any?
Never, okay, never, okay.
I was gonna say I don't.

Speaker 2 (15:44):
I feel like you would have told me you went but and
then I was like, do I notremember no shame to anyone that
does that Um, I didn't feellike I needed it, yeah.
Also, I don't know if I wantedto be surrounded, cause, like I,
I I definitely had an issue.
Um, I had an issue withdrinking and I definitely, you

(16:09):
know it was easy to stop doingany recreational because I
didn't like it, but I also stillhad alcohol, yeah, and then I
stopped drinking and that wasfairly easy, you know, after a
little bit.
I mean the social situations,that was a hard, you know, it's
still kind of hard to navigatethose and other things.
But then I also relied heavilyon weed.
So then I just I kepttransferring the addiction to
something.

Speaker 1 (16:22):
Yeah, I was going to say I noticed like when you did,
you know, stop drinking thatyou still like smoked weed or
took mushrooms.
And you know, in my head I'mnot one to judge, I don't care
what anyone does.
But then I did wonder likewould one trigger the other?
Or if she gets, you know shestops smoking weed, is she going
to start doing this?

Speaker 2 (16:45):
It was like the wondering of like then are you
transferring it to a new thing?
I definitely was, and like Iwas, and I started to feel the
same thing, like you know, likeokay, it's not fun, like I'm not
, you know I'm smoking.
And then like I'm getting likesmoking too much and getting
really bad, anxiety me like ohmy god.
Like I need to like no,literally, like I need to lay
down like oh my god, you know,yeah, um, and it would always
start like just a little bit,but then I would build my

(17:07):
tolerance back up and then Iwould just be smoking and
checking out and I, I know I'mjust not the brightest tool in
the shed sharpest tool in theshed, oh see, no, but not now.
Yeah, believe me.

Speaker 1 (17:24):
I've been fucking up my phrases like in an insane
amount.
I feel like people on here arethinking like this bitch can't
speak yeah, believe me, I've hadmy issues it sounded right to
me.

Speaker 2 (17:36):
It always does until I.

Speaker 1 (17:38):
I thought about it too and I was like that's not
right.
Wait, hold on you, gotta saysomething.

Speaker 2 (17:43):
Yeah, in certain situations too, even when I'm
sober, like if I'm feeling likeanxious or whatever I'm, I'm
just not there yeah, I'm doingthings to where it's like.

Speaker 1 (17:52):
There she's smart like no, I mean, I definitely
feel like that as well,especially in doing this.
I mean, how many times did westart this episode?
Yeah, it's, it's been achallenge but yeah like you.
You go to talk to someone andyou get nervous and your voice
gets shaky and, yeah, I'mstuttering.
Yeah, I'm like.
I feel like you and I are veryhigh anxiety people to begin

(18:13):
with, yeah, and for me, I canhave a glass of something or a
drink.
And then I'm like, okay, cool,I don't think'm going to burn my
life down after I do it.
But, yeah, the anxiety of itall.

Speaker 2 (18:29):
Yeah, and that's not when you're prone to anxiety.
It just doesn't feel well Likeyou don't feel well.

Speaker 1 (18:35):
No, no one's hoping that they have more anxiety.

Speaker 2 (18:39):
Honestly, if she was a person, I would like to go
hands with her.

Speaker 1 (18:43):
I know I kind of like from that movie inside out I
kind of wonder like, what's shedoing?

Speaker 2 (18:48):
oh my god, she's so manic too and I was like, oh my
god, I'm watching myself she'shaving a fucking conniption up
there like yeah, and I was likeit was almost a little
triggering to watch because Iwas like I know I was, it's me.
No, literally Relatable.
And we, oh, yeah, that one too,yeah, and so it kind of just

(19:16):
was being masked by a lot ofdifferent things.
And then I just came to a pointwhere there's no way I can be
as clear as I want to be.
I'm literally I would never goto school, like I would never do
exams or anything that I neededto do while smoking.
But as soon as I walked inthrough that door, put my stuff
down and I immediately my bongwas clean.
I had a cute little pinkpineapple bong and cleaning the
bong was so cathartic and thenit was so great, maybe you just

(19:36):
need to clean, just lower youranxiety.
I love cleaning.

Speaker 1 (19:42):
Yeah, I sound like I love cooking and cleaning.
I'm like I sound like a 50shousewife.

Speaker 2 (19:48):
That's like that calm that soothes the soul when you
get into that space, yeah, but Irealized it was just more of a
same like whenever I was doingother party things.
It was the act of doing it, thefact that I got to set
something up and then doing likethat part that becomes its own
little addiction as well.
Or like when you go and drink acoffee, like, oh, I love going

(20:09):
to go get a coffee and sittingdown, but if I have a little bit
too much espresso, then it'slike, okay, that act of doing
something gave me a littleanxiety, yeah.
And then with I was, there wasone point I got really sick in
2021 and I was in the hospitalthree times yeah, I remember
that um, and that was fromsmoking too much weed.
It literally says on my mydischarge papers like
hyperemesis due to the use andabuse of cannabis, um, along

(20:30):
with alcohol abuse, you know.
And I'd even like I was wakingup and I was feeling nauseous
and I was just like man, likewhy am I nauseous?
I haven't drank, I haven't doneanything.
But as soon as I would smokesome weed, I was good, and then
that was kind of like you know,but that was back in 21, so fast
forward.
And so now I started justfeeling like, just not like this

(20:50):
is this has got to go to, likeI'm being dependent on it, so
there's no intention behind meusing it, like I know I'm
leaning on it as some sort ofcrutch, absolutely.
Um, and so I stopped and Iwould go through phases again,
like stopping 30 days, you knowwhatever.
Then I would smoke and then itwould inch back up and this is
when I was like OK, well, like Ireally want to stop this, and

(21:12):
luckily I was preparing to go toPeru for an ayahuasca
experience and I wanted to beextra clean.

Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, you were like even like you're like no sex, no
this food, no that food.
And I'm like what are you doingin even like you're like no sex
, no, no this food, no that food.
And I'm like what are you doingin your life?
Like you're not doing anything.
Granted, there was not much sexhappening anyways, but Fair but
you know, I'm like, oh, but Iwanted to be because, like I
cleansed, I went in July and Iyou know, and what year was that

(21:40):
?
In 20.

Speaker 2 (21:41):
24, last year?

Speaker 1 (21:46):
what year was that in 20, 24?

Speaker 2 (21:47):
last year oh, it's 20 , why I think it was 23, I don't
know.
Time means nothing anymore.
23 was a rough year.
Um, yeah, lots of losseshappened that year, but so I
cleansed for about a month priorto july's journey and then
something happened where I justgot like anxious and I was like
I was in a social setting and Iwas just like you know, if I've
passed I'll check my littlecalendar if I pass 30 days, I'm

(22:09):
smoking today, right, and I waspast 30 days and I was like I'm
smoking, but then it was alsolike a couple weeks, maybe like
three weeks prior, before I wassupposed to like fly out, yeah.
So I felt kind of disappointedthat I broke that.
And then I smoked for like fourdays, like you know, four or
five days, because I was like,if I broke it already, let's go
for it like let's just go hard.
And then I didn't even do thefull two weeks.
I think I did like a week and ahalf without any substances

(22:31):
like marijuana, yeah.
And so this time I'm like, okay, well, I wanted to be that
clear prior, but I didn't quitedo that last time, so let's see
how far I can go this time.
And so I stopped.
I don't know when I stopped, um, but it was definitely like a
couple months prior to meleaving in at the end of

(22:52):
December.
And then I told myself thatmaybe I was going to return
after that.
But just like, really stick tobeing intentional about it and
not being so.
Like you know, I recognizedthat it was habitual.
Yeah, and maybe try to use itin a different way.
Yeah, but as soon as I, withthe whole experience, I didn't

(23:14):
feel like it was right for me toreturn.
I was like I've done all thiswork to clear and get
level-headed not smoking, eatingreally clean, you are with a
vegan diet no salt, no sugar,nothing no flavor.

Speaker 1 (23:28):
She had no fun in her life, yeah.

Speaker 2 (23:30):
And that says a lot for me, considering I'm really
picky with food.
She is the pickiest person ever.

Speaker 1 (23:37):
I thought about this the other day because you had
sent me something on TikTok.
It was about matcha and I hadsaid to her I don't really like
matcha.
And this bitch told me to growup.

Speaker 2 (23:48):
It was aloe juice bitch.

Speaker 1 (23:49):
Oh, it was aloe juice , whatever Okay, either way.
I said I didn't like it.
She said whatever, okay, eitherway.
I said I didn't like it.
She said grow up, you need tojust start eating things.
And I was like bitch, you don'teat cooked vegetables.
You're telling me to grow upand you won't eat a goddamn
vegetable.
It was so funny I was, and Iknew I was being snarky too,
because oh, yeah, I saw that andI was like this bitch and I
just like, I typed my littlesnarky remark back and I was all

(24:12):
like oh, grow up, you grow up,you grow up.

Speaker 2 (24:14):
And I was like yeah, well you know, yeah, and you
know that was part of the reasonlike I was a little scared
going in July because I was likeoh my God.

Speaker 1 (24:24):
What am I going to eat?
What am I going to eat, Likeyou know.

Speaker 2 (24:28):
But then I was like don't let food be a reason to
stop you from going.
You have gotten a whole lotmore adventurous.

Speaker 1 (24:33):
I have your palate.

Speaker 2 (24:35):
And I told myself to be yeah.

Speaker 1 (24:36):
Chicky tendies and.

Speaker 2 (24:38):
Oh, I still love some chicky tendies.

Speaker 1 (24:40):
Yeah, they're made, but that used to be like you had
like a very beige diet.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
Yeah, and I told myself in twenty twenty four
that I would do more of justtrying.
Yeah, Because I was like no theworst thing that happened is
you just don't like it and wejust move on.
Yeah, so I was like at leasttry it.
Yeah, so then you can try it,and then, if you like it, great.

Speaker 1 (25:00):
And I found out I like so many things thank you,
god there's me 10 years ago waslike wanting to smack her over
because she'd be like I don'twant to eat that, and I was like
, yeah, okay, we'll find them.
And I starve.

Speaker 2 (25:12):
I still get a little bit of a social anxiety when I'm
ordering things because I'mvery particular and plain, but
now I've kind of blossomed andmore adventurous.
Yeah, maybe still to some ofthose that are very colorful.

Speaker 1 (25:25):
I am somewhat of a picky eater, like I know what I
like, I'm gonna stick to what Ilike, but I'll, you know, branch
out a little more.
Like compared to you though.
I'm like the most adventurouswoman.

Speaker 2 (25:41):
No, yeah, definitely you've grown up, even though I
need to grow up yeah, no, and so, yeah, I you know.
So you're really into thisclean diet, whatever.
And so when I came back and Iwas just like it doesn't really
make sense to like return tosmoking weed yeah, especially if
I feel like I'm just gonna bedependent on it yeah stuff like

(26:02):
that just makes it feels like asense that like I'm reversing,
because the first trip I went inJuly I came back and I was like
hell yeah, we're smoking, let'sgo yeah, and this time, like it
was just that feeling that itwas like it doesn't feel right,
like I can't like.

Speaker 1 (26:15):
I won't feel good doing it.
It wasn't sitting right.
Yeah, it wasn't Like with yoursoul.

Speaker 2 (26:18):
No, and so I forgot where I was going.
But back to the aloe juice,whatever.
Oh God, I've come to like termslike if I'm going to try
something or if I'm going to,it's because there's a benefit,
um, and because I think back Iused to toss back shots and yeah
, you know, and I've probablyhad some other questionable

(26:40):
things that just you know therewas whatever, um, and so like,
if I'm eating something, it wasjust gonna be like you know, I
may not be too fond of the taste, um, I still got a thing with
texture yeah, you're, yeahthere's.
You know I'm working on that.
But, like, if I'm not fond oftaste, but I know it provides a
great health benefit, I can suckit up, because I've sucked it
up in the past, you know.
And so, where I was coming fromwith the aloe juice, I was like

(27:03):
, oh, come on, grow up.
Like, if you can take shots ofalcohol, like you could take a
shot of aloe juice, you know.

Speaker 1 (27:09):
But also no, yeah, and you know what?

Speaker 2 (27:11):
and since then?
Okay, because you're a grow-up,eat your veggies.
And I was just like ah, she gotme there and so the next time I
met kava getting a bowl, didyou add some veggies?
I added spinach.
I added spinach out of spite,and now I put spinach in my bowl
see, and then you tried sweetpotatoes and you like I love
sweet potatoes sweet potatoes.

Speaker 1 (27:32):
Oh my god, you think I had some shots.

Speaker 2 (27:35):
No, but it was so funny because I was just going
back and I was just like, yeah,you caught me there and now you
like some veggies and I won't.
It's not that like I don'tthink I could just eat spinach
by itself.
Maybe I could.
You won't have spinach in asalad.

Speaker 1 (27:48):
I don't eat salads.
Why that was such a stupidquestion?

Speaker 2 (27:56):
I asked no shit, of course you don't need a salad no
, but you know, you know I mightlike, if I'm somewhere and like
that's it, I might be, you know, doing it whatever.
And I've discovered I loveavocados.
I discovered last year that Ilove avocados and now I have.
That's surprising because youhave like a texture yeah, but
see, the thing is, it's like Iwill only eat avocados if
they're smashed and it's onavocado toast.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
Okay, so it can't be like cubed or anything.
No, no.

Speaker 2 (28:19):
Like, and sometimes I'll like, the avocado won't be
ripe enough.

Speaker 1 (28:22):
What about like guacamole?

Speaker 2 (28:24):
You know what I like.
I'll have some guac withsomeone I probably wouldn't
order it for myself Like as likeyour own little appetizer.
Yeah, like, but I'll definitelyhave some chips, and guac, like
you know, whatever.
But yeah, I love she's growingup.
I know, no, I do.

Speaker 1 (28:41):
And eggs.
Okay, yeah, that's where yougot me.
I fucking hate eggs.

Speaker 2 (28:45):
You know what, so did I, but they're a great source
of protein.
I know they are, and I've.
I went through, like last yearapparently I was super fucking
skinny and everyone decided tocomment on my weight and you
know what I was, and you know,because I would go through
phases where you know I'm justlike not eating enough or right,
you know I.

(29:05):
You know I'm eating one mealbut like I'm spreading it out
into like three different mealsjust because I was all fucked up
.
Um and so, to try to like getback to like a healthier weight,
I'm like what's something thatI could add to help me out?
You know, and yeah, and so andI only started eggs, like maybe
like a couple months ago, yeahmaybe I've.

Speaker 1 (29:24):
I've tried it.
See, I have this fight with myboyfriend all the time because I
make him eggs and I make greateggs.
Okay, I just scramble them.
I, I can, I will.
That's how he likes his, likeburritos and whatnot, so it's
easiest.
Do you add anything For him?

Speaker 2 (29:41):
Yeah, depends on Black pepper and turmeric in the
egg mixture.

Speaker 1 (29:44):
Oh, maybe I'll surprise him with that.

Speaker 2 (29:49):
So maybe I'll do it before this recording comes out,
if he pisses you off a shit tonof turmeric no, but you know he
doesn't like spice.

Speaker 1 (29:53):
See, we need to have him on for him to talk about his
aversion to flavor.
It's spicy, he doesn't likespice.
Just kidding just kidding.

Speaker 2 (30:04):
Maybe you're enough spice for him well, you know
whatever, but anyway.

Speaker 1 (30:08):
So yeah, but every time I make the eggs I think
about it would be so good if Iate them myself because I know,
like all the health benefits andwhatnot.
I don't like the smell of it.
I've tried many different formsof eggs too, like I've done
scrambled, I've tried hardboiled or over whatever fried.
I just I don't like it and Ireally don't like the smell of

(30:31):
it.
It's like I have an aversion toit.
I know I used to eat them whenI was like a wee tot as a
struggle meal.
Like here we're having eggs andketchup, no like as like, like
I was in a high chair eatingthem.
So I know I used to eat them atone point.
But yeah, like I can't remembera time eating eggs and liking
it.

Speaker 2 (30:49):
I've tried it and then I was like I'm just not
gonna eat yeah, it was strangewhen I was I would eat scrambled
eggs and ketchup, but that'sbecause mom, we're having eggs
again and so, like I think,maybe, like you know, PTSD over
that, because then it got to apoint where it's like I won't
eat eggs, but if there's like alittle bit in chorizo, like I'll
See, I can't even do that.

(31:16):
Or, like you know what, I keepthe egg in the fried rice.
Now, oh you know what?
Only at din tai feng, though.
Oh okay, yeah, no, I just can'tdo that.
Only because, ari, she's likeyou are not modifying it's a
shared plate.

Speaker 1 (31:25):
We're not doing this, and you know what?

Speaker 2 (31:27):
I got over it and it's fine, um, but I started
adding it.
I won't eat eggs by themselves.
I'm not just gonna like whip upsome scrambled eggs and like
eat it, like that.
They're a weird texture.
But so if you have thesourdough toast that provides a
little crunchiness, and then youhave like add everything
seasoning, black sesame and hempseeds to my avocado mixture,

(31:48):
and then when I cook my egg, Iwill mix that with black pepper
and turmeric, and then I'll puta little bit of ghee in the pot,
and then it all sounds greatand like.
So I was like scared at firstbecause I was like I don't know
if I'm gonna like this, but I'mgonna scare, yeah.
Well, first of all, okay, thisis really embarrassing.
But I was like I don't evenknow if I know how to scramble.
Oh no, it's just well, girl,who am I cooking for?

(32:10):
No, you know, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 (32:14):
And so I've gotten really good at I can make good
yes I haven't tried the what itwhen, the, the yolk and the
white around just a fried egg,yeah, like fried egg, and then
you can like flip it, becausethat's how easy and what they
would have them in peru, but Ididn't like you didn't know I
would pass on the proteinbecause like

Speaker 2 (32:33):
I didn't.
Well, first of all, we're alsoeating things without any
fucking flavor, so it's nothingbut texture there.
It's like your worst nightmare,yeah, and so, like I don't know
, and I think that's probablythe better way to eat an egg is
that way versus scrambled.
I don't know if there's changeswithin the benefits that way I
can tell you yeah, but yeah, soI way, yeah, um, but yeah, so I

(32:56):
haven't tried it that way, butI'll scramble it and then I'll
put it on top of my avocado andput a drizzle of honey, so it's
kind of like masked and there'sa lot going on there, which is
how I can eat the egg and that'show I'll do it in the morning
and other than that, I don'tfuck with eggs.

Speaker 1 (33:07):
You know I just it's.
I'm never gonna be an egg girly.
It it's not for me.
She's done with it, yeah.

Speaker 2 (33:19):
But see, I'm more inclined to do things now like
the same with the spinach,partly because I was like this
bitch, I'll show her, I'll eatsome fucking veggies.
Granted, the spinach wasn'tcooked, but still, good God, but
I was like it's good for you.
Also, I took biochemistrynutrition this past term, so I
was like actively learning as Iwas going, so I was like okay,
like all right, let me try thisout for the benefit of health,
you know.
Let's see what I can add.
That's like doable andrealistic, right, and get in

(33:41):
where I fit in over there, andthat's kind of.

Speaker 1 (33:43):
Again we were.
You used to take fistfuls ofshots.
Yeah, no, we weren't even doingshots, it was bottle to mouth oh
, yeah, face, yeah, I even havea chipped tooth because I've
cracked my teeth with a bottle Iremember this one time we were,
we went to cbs specifically foran alcohol run.

(34:03):
Do you know what story I'mgonna tell?
There's money, okay, we went tocbs for an alcohol run and we
get there.
We picked the bottle and it wasback when we were on our new
amsterdam flavored vodka cheapand does the back when we were
on our new Amsterdam flavoredvodka Cheap and does the job.
Yep, we're on the kick and we'relike oh mango, oh you know,
pineapple, whatever I know.
Now it sounds like an immediatehangover.

(34:24):
I could never.
But we get into you weredriving, we get into your car.
I've never seen something soseamless and terrifying at the
same time.
You had the bottle in betweenyour legs and as you're wheeling
out and doing like you're goingbackwards at the spot, you also
simultaneously open the bottleand you're like it was flawless.

(34:45):
And I was like and I stoppedyou.
I was like what was that?
And you're like you want some.
And I was like I thought wewere gonna get to our
destination first but.
I guess like, but it was justlike I've never seen someone
turn a wheel so beautifully andopen a bottle at the same time,
and then just like keep goingand then put like bottle to face
and question was I drunk?

(35:06):
I don't remember.
Probably that could have beenthe reason it was flawless and,
looking back on it, so stupid?

Speaker 2 (35:16):
oh yeah, just like I don't know.

Speaker 1 (35:19):
I think we went back to my house.
We weren't even going down thestreet.
That's why you were like itdoesn't matter, it doesn't
matter you don't probably.

Speaker 2 (35:25):
Yeah, I mean yeah, um it was um.
It was one of your moreimpressive talents that I've
witnessed but it was yeah, you,yeah, yeah, you just never know
what you're going to get.
Sometimes I'm doing things andsometimes I'm thinking in the
future of, like what would I do?
Yeah, like hiding things, andthen then I don't remember, yeah
.
And so sometimes I'd be like,oh cool, there's money here,

(35:47):
right.
Oh here, cool, there's anotherform of money here.

Speaker 1 (35:50):
You know, of money here, you know for sure.
Yeah, um, yeah, okay, so whatabout like nowadays?
Like, um, how are you?
We talked about the socialanxiety of it all.
How are you being around otherpeople if they're like all, if
it's like you know, a birthdayparty or dinner of some sort and

(36:11):
everyone's drinking, do youfeel like you, like?
Does your anxiety go up?
Do you feel a little morelevel-headed or like, how are
you around others who aren'tsober?

Speaker 2 (36:21):
I think it depends around who I'm around okay, um,
for sure, and that probably isthe same when I was out getting
drunk too, and why I may havedrank so much but, um, it
depends on the day, like thereare sometimes even when I'm not
even around people, I'll be likeman, I really want to drink or
like I wish I could drink almostin the sense, because it's so
normalized now and like you'llsee people like, oh, like out

(36:43):
with the girlies you know thisthat you know, and that's so
cute and like, oh, like I wantto do that.
But then I realized, like youknow, no, and so it depends on
the situation.
Sometimes I do get really bad.
It's almost like an inclusivitything because it's like, okay,
well, like I'm not in the groupof drinking, you know what I
mean, and so, and then at somepoint it gets to the point where

(37:05):
you know you're the only onethat's there not drinking, and
then everyone else is drinkingor doing whatever they're doing,
and I can just feel thatthere's a shift, because
whenever back in my day, Ididn't want to be around anyone
sober, nobody wants to be aroundanyone sober, and that's not to
say that's how other people arefeeling or thinking or anything
like that.
That's just like the way you'reinterpreting this is how my

(37:26):
brain's working, you know.
So sometimes I do get anxiety,but then I don't feel like I you
know't be around.
It's not.
It's not, I've been aroundplenty of people.
It's not upsetting like yourown sobriety, it's just no, no,
definitely not um you know,because at the end of the day I
realize that I have a problemwith drinking and so that's,

(37:48):
that's me.
You know, some people don't havea problem like if they're able
to go out and have cocktailswith the girls or let loose and
sometimes I wish I'm like man, Iwish I could let loose.
But your girl doesn't let loose,she lets everything go.
Yeah, you know, um and so, andI don't judge anyone that still
wants to have a cocktail orstill wants to have a random
wild night, like that's wherethey're at, because it doesn't

(38:11):
matter what you're doing.
But if you feel like it'syou're doing something wrong, or
if you feel like it's notaligning with you, that's where
it is.
And for me, it started to feellike I'm doing something wrong.
It's not the fact that I'mdrinking, it's not the fact that
I'm doing whatever I want to dowhile I'm drinking.
It's the fact that I'm feelingwhatever I'm doing is wrong.
Yeah, like I'm feeling, likeI'm doing something wrong and
like that's not a good thoughtor feeling to have.

(38:33):
So if you're not feeling thatway, like you're not doing
anything wrong, You're doingwhatever you want to do with
your life, live your life.
That's fine.
Granted, I can sit here now andstill see.
I'm just like, yeah, I see aproblem, but that's also not my
problem to acknowledge, yeah,you know.
So it's like a weird, it's aweird time, a weird balancing

(38:54):
act.
It is a weird balancing act butalso I just know, like I don't.
I've asked myself so many timeslike how many times do you want
to sacrifice, like your future,your health or just like
anything, to this habitual typeof addiction, like you know, and
I don't want to do that anymore.
And so it's got to be a realgood reason if I'm deciding that

(39:16):
I want to come out of the cave,Because I didn't say that I
would forever.
I might not drink forever.
I mean, I might Wait.
I might never drink again.

Speaker 1 (39:28):
Why was that hard?
I'm telling you you get infront of this thing and you stop
.
You don't know how to speak.
Mom, pick me up.
I'm telling you.
You get in front of this thingand you stop.

Speaker 2 (39:36):
You don't know how to speak.
Mom, pick me up, I'm scared,yeah, um.
And so I just started to likequestion myself in that way and
then I didn't want to put thatpressure on.
So it's like if I feel like Iwant to have a cocktail at some
point, yeah.

Speaker 1 (39:51):
If one day you're out and you're like I would like to
have, yeah, a martini or aglass of wine, then you're out
and you're like I would like tohave yeah a martini or a glass
of wine then you're just kind ofplaying it by ear yeah, and
feel like you know and also getpast like.

Speaker 2 (40:02):
I don't want to judge myself in the process of doing
it.

Speaker 1 (40:05):
I don't want to feel like you don't want to.
You know, have the regret.

Speaker 2 (40:08):
Yeah, like I don't like.
And so if I'm feeling like theurge to drink, I have to think
of okay, why am I feeling thisway?
What situation am I in?
And if I were to drink andlet's just say I didn't just
have one drink how would I feelafterwards?
Yeah, and that's usually enoughfor me to be like you wouldn't
feel very great.

Speaker 1 (40:26):
Right yeah.

Speaker 2 (40:26):
And that's because I have this, you know, I feel like
I would judge myself, because Ifeel like I didn't drink for a
right reason, because I knewthat I'm just not meant to drink
.
Right now I don't want to drink.
Sometimes I do, actually.

Speaker 1 (40:41):
Everyone has those days.

Speaker 2 (40:43):
But not enough for me to just go back and drink,
because I definitely I can looklike everything is transformed
since I've stopped drinking.
I'm more clear-headed, I knowhow to manage my emotions more
and kind of figure out wherethey're coming from.
Yeah, um, my skin looks greatyou're seeing the benefits out?

(41:04):
Oh I see like old photos andI'm like why did nobody tell me
that I was carrying so muchweight in my face?
Yeah, because at the time Ididn't feel it.

Speaker 1 (41:12):
I was like okay, like , because it was just normal?
Yeah, we didn't.
No one knew what your face wasgonna look like.

Speaker 2 (41:19):
No, literally, and I'm just like, oh, my god, wow,
and so so many.
I've gained so many things.
I mean it's the perspectivehindsight's 2020, you know yeah
yeah good times.
And sometimes I think back, I'mlike wow, like you had so many
friends or like you were moresocial.
Because sometimes I'm just likealcohol makes you more social.

Speaker 1 (41:36):
Yeah, like everything is more social.

Speaker 2 (41:38):
But then when you think about like legitimacy of
like those relationships, it'slike OK everything's very.

Speaker 1 (41:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (41:45):
And now I'm like I don't really relate to a lot of
people anymore, just because youknow and that's not to say like
I'm here and I'm there.
It's just more like I'm justI'm here and like you're there,
and that's that's just that.
That's what it is right, um, soyeah, so it's hard like it.
You know, I'm still figuringthings out about myself, like
you know, like who I am, becausea lot of you've also done like

(42:08):
a lot of therapy yeah, you knowlike work like my therapist
broke up with me over textmessage.
What did?

Speaker 1 (42:24):
you say to her how did you scare this, this woman,
away?

Speaker 2 (42:29):
I was just, I'm just thinking about.
It was like damn.
My therapist broke up with me.
When was this?
Like a couple weeks ago, um I'mso sorry no it's funny like
what do you think about it?
Like you're just like damn,what was the last conversation
you had?
well you know what it was during, like finals week or whatever

(42:51):
and my mom was like coming overand we've opened like an open
channel of communication throughtext message and um, so I was
just like, hey, like I don'tthink I'm gonna make the the
three o'clock appointment, okay,and we do three to three,
thirty and three thirty to four,because she has 30 minute
increments um, and I was justlike, hey, like I don't think
I'm gonna like.
I was just in a situation whereI was just like okay, I need my

(43:12):
mom, my mom to come.
I don't think I'm going to behere.
And I just I just figured Iwould explain everything in the
next therapy session.
And, um, she was just like okay, well, from now on, like I'm
only going to keep you at three,30 to four, you know.
And I was just feeling frantic,Like there was a lot of things
that I needed to address, Like Iwas.
It was one of those weeks whereI was really like like man, I

(43:33):
really need therapy.
But also just in a situationwhere I'm like my mom's got to
come and like this is the onlytime she can come, and so I kind
of handled something.
I was just like hey, like youknow what, Like I'm not going to
be able to make the appointment, Like I'm sorry, and then also
for next um term, I'm not goingto be able to do Tuesday
appointments.
I'm only going to haveWednesday available, Okay, and I

(43:55):
know she has Wednesdaysavailable, I see them, Okay.
And then, randomly, and she wasjust like okay, well, I will
refer you out.
Oh, no explanation or nothing,Okay, so I don't think you
scared her away.

Speaker 1 (44:09):
No, it just became like a logistical thing.

Speaker 2 (44:11):
Yeah, no, but it was just like.
Oh became like a logisticalthing?

Speaker 1 (44:23):
yeah, no, but it was just like, and I was just like,
that is fucking funny, like thatI might make that the title of
the episode.

Speaker 2 (44:26):
My therapist broke up with me yeah, no, and I had
also asked her, like in theprior um, because, like a
dumbass, I was being honest andI had to renew my lease.
And so I was honest and saidthat I had another cat, thinking
that, like okay, cool, this Ididn't know you have to pay pet
rent per animal, yeah, oh, sowait.

(44:47):
So you, they upped your rent.
Yeah, well they.
So I already pay 40 for one cat, and then I'd gotten another
cat, and so I was just beinghonest because I'm trying to be
legitimate, man, you know,leaving that past, leaving that
path behind me, quit scammingthe government.
You know, up on my taxes.
You know we're just reallytrying to be legitimate here.

Speaker 1 (45:08):
And they said oh OK, fuck you.

Speaker 2 (45:10):
Yeah, More money.
No, they were just like, oh,like, this is how much it's
going to be.
And I was like what?
Yeah, and I was just like youknow what I'll get a Dr Snow
like emotional support.

Speaker 1 (45:19):
Oh yeah, you can just get animals registered.

Speaker 2 (45:21):
Exactly, and I was like, oh, my therapist could
just write me a note, oh, andthen she broke up with you yeah,
end of the last appointmentthat we had in person.
And she's like you know what,um, let me think of.
She seemed kind of likeresistant, but it was also
towards the end of theappointment and she's like you
know what, just remind me.
And you know, yes, like okay,I'll do it, yeah, fine.

(45:43):
And so then I have to cancel myappointment.
So I kind of just like loadedup, being like you know what
time wasn't on my side today,like I'm sorry, like can't make
the appointment.
Also, like, starting next term,like I'm not going to be able
to do Tuesdays.
I'm only you overwhelmed her andthen I was like also like, if
you know, yeah, like if youcould, you know, write me that
letter, like that you know I'dreally appreciate it.

(46:04):
No, I will not write you thatletter, I will be referring you
out.
I wish you the best.
Okay, then, yeah, and then I'mlike with my mom and I was just
like don't cry, because like,yes, your mom's there to help
you, but like you're just cryingin front of parentals, it's
just like, just let me just besad by the way, like I'll just

(46:24):
wait till you leave and then sobno, and that's exactly what I
did and now I'm without atherapist.
But yes, I've done a lot oftherapy.

Speaker 1 (46:33):
She used to do therapy and I used to, until I
got broken up with she'll, um,she'll do more therapy, uh, tbd
yeah, getting ghosted on dates.
Therapist breaks up with me,you know well, I think your new
therapist will have a lot towork with.
I think that's a good laugh.
You know it was.
It was funny.

Speaker 2 (46:52):
It was almost like it's funny now and I was like
that's so ironic, considering Iwas like this was the one week
where I was like, wow, I reallyneeded therapy and I honestly
just thought and, like thinkingback, I was definitely feeling
frantic.
I probably could have just beenlike okay, see you next week.
Right, you over explainedyourself, yeah, and then but,
but also as a therapist.

Speaker 1 (47:13):
She got overwhelmed.

Speaker 2 (47:14):
I honestly just thought like, could we just have
like a formal goodbye?
I was like and I literally feltbroken up with I'm sorry to
laugh, no it's, it's funny.
But yeah, I've gone through alot of therapy.
I don't even know how we gotonto this I don't either.

Speaker 1 (47:31):
I know we've gone on a lot of tangents Sober life is
going well, it's going well.

Speaker 2 (47:38):
You know, and I had to think back because, like
honestly, I feel like a lotalone sometimes.
You know, I'm just like thisfeels great, Like I come home to
my own apartment.
I get happy about feeding mycats.
You have your little bubble Likefinding new routines of like
you know, just self-care andlike doing all these things.
Yeah, but it does get lonelysometimes.

(48:00):
So I think back and I'm justlike damn like, or like if I
like 2023, I was really goingthrough it just a lot and I was
like man, why am I still fuckingsad?
Like I'm just so sad.
It was one of those points toher and I still deal with that
sometimes where it's like I'mhere, but I want to be there.
I don't want to be here.

Speaker 1 (48:15):
I feel like, once you get there, you're going to be
like, but I could be, but Ithink it's just like the thing
You're going to be content whereyou're at.
I thought about that too.
Where it's like OK, wheneverything's going right in your
life, then you want more.
It's like and even when you getthose things and you're still
sad, that hits the depression,it kicks into high gear again.

(48:36):
Where you're like wait,everything's going well, you
don't trust it.
That too, everything's goingwell, so wait, something bad's
going to happen, the shoe'sgoing to drop.
But then if everything's goingwell and the shoe doesn't drop,
then you're still sad, and thenthat makes your depression worse

(48:56):
, because you're like well, wait, why am I still sad?

Speaker 2 (48:57):
and then that makes your depression worse because
you're like, well, wait, why amI still sad?
Yeah, I'm just, you know,because you realize.
You're like there's so manythings to be grateful for and
there's, yeah, there's so manythings, and I'll catch myself,
especially when I'm being kindof nasty and I'm like girl,
check yourself, why are you whyare you complaining?
Yeah, why are you getting allrevved up and my reaction time
is there's still reaction.
But you know, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, you used to fly off the
handle.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
No, literally, and don't get me wrong, I start
malfunctioning here and there.

Speaker 2 (49:21):
But I ask these stuff .
I'm like, why am I stillfucking sad?
And I realize I'm like becauseI'm not running to alcohol, I'm
not running to any of these.
Like you know, you have to livewith your emotions.
Yeah, and that's not glamorous,but no it.
It does feel better wheneveryou just you can be more
clear-headed about it, versuslike you know you're doing

(49:42):
something to just not deal withlike you're more, you're just
present in the moment and you'reable to work, and you kind of
just like okay it'll pass, youknow, or I'm happy and that will
pass to you.

Speaker 1 (49:53):
I'm happy and it'll pass.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 (49:58):
You know everything and that's just like life.
You know you have the dualityof it and like sometimes it's
real fucking shitty andsometimes it's not even that
shitty.
It's just like our perspectiveof it being shitty, yeah, and
sometimes it's amazing.
Yep, I don't want to sayanything bad about that, but all
right.

Speaker 1 (50:15):
So off the.
Now that you're sober andyou're clear-headed, let's talk
about times when you weren't.
You have a gremlin story for usand you haven't told me what it
is.
You were like I could do.
Does it have to involve you?
I'm like, well, I was like.
I got a few, we got a lot like,but you can't.
It's not a requirement, butyeah, your your gremlin story.

(50:37):
I told you the examples thatwe've done.
I talked about my gremlin story, which is just one of, like you
know, 50 000 where I got.
I got locked in mybrother-in-law's garage.
That was so fucking funny yeahyou, everyone thought it was so
funny.

Speaker 2 (50:53):
I remember texting you and I thought I was gonna
get sympathy and all I got backwas like fucking bitch yeah you
know, just yeah, because it's sofunny, especially when you send
out like random text messages,like sometimes I would start
typing in random text messagesand wake up the next day.
I'm like well, that didn't makesense all right.

(51:16):
So your gremlin story, let'shear it oh, um, there's probably
a lot that I didn't remember.
That's okay.
But what's coming to me now isabout a decade ago, um, in vegas
, okay.
In Vegas, okay, okay.

(51:39):
So I had gone to Vegas with agirlfriend and probably some
friends for like a birthdayparty or whatever, and I'm
trying to think like, how doesit go?
Well, if anyone knows me,especially while drinking, I'm
very stubborn.

Speaker 1 (51:52):
Yeah, I'm stubborn.
You're stubborn, sober, no, butlike I am, she's so much worse.

Speaker 2 (51:58):
I am so stubborn, yeah, um, and chances are I
don't want to leave.
Wherever I'm at, wherever thevibes are, I'm trying to stay,
yes, um, and that's definitelyprogressed over the years, but
we're talking about early 20s,so we're thriving while we're
intoxicated, um.
And so I went out with friendsand I made you know, marketed my

(52:20):
way, uh, networked my way intosome bottle service, as one
young pretty girl does, andwhatever, and hanging out having
fun.
It was just me, like, I left myfriends, like, okay, none of my
other friends were in thebottle, yeah, oh, just you.
Yeah, because I'd leave people.
You're like me, you're a runner.
I just I'd leave, I'd disappear, and I'm just like, oh, hey,

(52:41):
it's tough on you, you didn'tget in, you know.
You know it's also hard wheneverit's we're partying, we're
having fun.
I meet with girls motorboatingtheir titties.
You know, just having a goodtime, what you normally do.
Yeah, you know, just reallyliving.

(53:02):
And then my friend comes.
He's like OK, like we're going,and I'm like no, you're going,
I'm not, and he's like no, comeon, like let's go.
You know go.
And I was like no, you know,like, like, do you not see me?
I'm having fun?
and he's been with me enoughtime to know like, okay, bye,
like we're not doing this.
Yeah, you say okay you're gonnastay here.

(53:23):
You stay here and now, okay,I'm gonna tell this story and,
like, I'm gonna go through itand it's gonna it's really
alarming now they usually are.

Speaker 1 (53:32):
It's not.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
It's not a story you're supposed to look back on
with fondness and somehow, youknow either someone slipped
molly into, like someone slippedmolly into my drink, and so no
wonder it's having a greatfucking time well, thank god it
wasn't like a roofie yeah, um,and they captured me by who's
they?
well, that's this couple.
Okay, you know, now they weretotally baiting me.

(53:54):
But, like you know, like thiscouple, because it was a whole
group of people, and I end up,like you know, talking to the
girl or whatever, and they'relike okay, we're gonna have an
after party.
Do you want to come?
And I'm having a great time.
Like yeah, like you weren'tkidnapped.

Speaker 1 (54:04):
No, it wasn't but they just enticed you.

Speaker 2 (54:07):
Yeah, that's a better word than capture well, because
I'm thinking like if you weretrying to get someone to get
into your fucking van.
You want some candy, littlegirl, you know oh yeah, you ran
right over, yeah so I'm justlike okay, like, so they?
and I was like, yeah, sure, likewhy not?
And then they're gonna havethis after party.
It's gonna be fine, like blah,blah, blah.
And I was like, yeah, great,fine, yeah.
And then I like get into thecar and I realized like I think

(54:29):
we're just like moving up thestrip somewhere.
And then I realized we're goingon to like the main road, like
we're in residential, we're noton this strip anymore.
I'm in some random car withthese random like girl and guy,
yeah, saying there's going to belike after party or whatever.
Yeah, and then we're inresidentials and I'm just like,
where is this it's a littlesketch.

(54:55):
You know, I'm like my alarm's up, but I'm also like feeling
whatever the vibes, yeah, andthen we get into this, this nice
house, like mansion house.
I want to say they, it was nottheir house.
Either they were renting a roomwith other people, or it was
like their parents house andlike they stayed in a room and
like they had a child orsomething or whatever.
I don't.
I don't know, I wasn't there Iwasn't.

Speaker 1 (55:16):
I wasn't there.

Speaker 2 (55:17):
Okay, hold on, you were physically there, you
weren't mentally there, yeah, um, and then we get there and
there's this room stripper pullsin the room.
Okay, there's no one there.
Oh, so the after party was justyou.
Yeah, there's nobody there.
Oh, that's terrifying, there'snobody there.

(55:38):
And then at that point they'relike, oh, and you want something
.
And then they're drinking.
They have this drink and it'spromethazine, oh, with, you know
, mixed with sprite or whatever.
So then I'm drinkingpromethazine with fucking sprite
, yeah.
Then there's you know othersubstances, yeah, like ketamine,
and you know cocaine, yeah.
And then I was like I'm gettingall weird, like should I use
code words?

Speaker 1 (56:00):
you know, I'm like we're all adults here.
Yeah, I.

Speaker 2 (56:02):
This gets labeled as explicit anyway, we're fine,
yeah, and then and then stilldrinking alcohol and stuff like
that, and I'm just like nowyou're really not there yeah no,
now I'm really not there andlike I think they had like
another friend come and like Imean I don't know, it was very
strange, and then something.
That's how I end up, like in myfirst threesome, like ever.

Speaker 1 (56:21):
I thought what.
I thought you were gonna go.
I thought you were gonna saythat you took off running or
something.
And then, no, oh no, I thoughtthis was going a different way
and I had never been.

Speaker 2 (56:32):
I'm also, like in my early 20s, never done this.
And I'm just like, okay, andI'm also like I'm not used to
people sharing their boyfriends,so I'm just like, is this okay?
And I'm like you know, and thenit was, it was hot, it was nice
, like we ended up in the shower, they were really safe, they
were really clean.
Shocking like, like you know,and yes, I could remember that,

(57:02):
like those glimpses, I couldremember.

Speaker 1 (57:03):
So where?
So this?

Speaker 2 (57:03):
is a consensual thing .
I don't know about that,because I was so inebriated, um,
but I don't know.
Maybe we should put triggerwarning at the beginning, maybe
yeah, and and then I wake up.
You know, whatever do all thethings, and then I like wake up
and I'm like where am I?
looking at like where am I alsolike having like flashbacks of
like things that went by, alsofeeling like a little shame
because I'm like I liked it,like you know, I enjoyed myself,

(57:25):
but like am I supposed to likethings like this, I don't know.
Also like well, you're alsolike what?
21, 20, yeah, so like, yeah,you know, like that.
And then I like try to use therestroom and like I get up and,
bambi, my legs don't work, oh no.
And then I'm kind of like andmy phone's dead.
Oh so you're.
And I'm also in a house ofandroids no iphone, oh, those

(57:47):
are the worst people.
And so I'm like great, I don'tknow anyone's number by heart I
know where my, my hotel is.
Like I know the hotel name, butlike I don't you don't have a
way to get there.
Yeah, and then I'm also justkind of like, oh my God, like
what just happened, like youknow, like holy shit, and then
I'm asking that, and then herboyfriend is trying to sell
T-shirts or something, I don'tneed a t-shirt, I need a ride

(58:11):
back to my hotel and I was likedo you think you guys can take
me and they?
they they're trying not to goanywhere because obviously they
just had a crazy ass night yeah,just they're now.
They're now, I'm kind of justlike there I'm like weird okay,
this is weird, like I need tolike, and I also was like kept
going in and out of sleep yeahand then I was just like okay, I
really need to like get back towhere I'm going, like can you
please take me?
like I need to go, and I keptbugging them, yeah.

(58:33):
And then eventually, like,because I got, I went into, like
okay, like this is like semifun, semi, like I don't know
what to make of this, to likeokay, like now I'm like now I
want to go.
Yeah, like I'm fucking weird um,and then they take me to the
hotel or whatever and I finallyget up to the room and I can't
remember if my friends I don'tknow my friends weren't there,

(58:53):
okay, but I see a missingpersons report like on the table
in the thing, and they couldn'tquite fill it all the way out
because it hadn't been acomplete 24 hours.
So they tried to fill out amissing persons report but they
couldn't.
They were told to come back,yeah.
And then this point I'm justlike and I'm feeling all weird
because you know, I there's alot of things in my system or

(59:14):
whatever, and I put my phone up.
Messages on messages, onmessages that's the worst.

Speaker 1 (59:19):
I've got my mom reaching out.

Speaker 2 (59:20):
I got my sister reaching out, I've got friends
reaching out, I've got, you know, all kinds of people reaching
out, like, just like, tons ofmessages, of voicemails, all
this and I'm just like thatthat's what I've had that before
, where all your messages andeverything pops up and the panic
sets in and you're like, oh mygod, yeah and like I'm feeling
like oh, my god.
And then I'm also just like oh,and also like, how do I express

(59:42):
like where I was like?
Do I like say like oh, Iparticipated in something that I
kind?
Of enjoyed it you know, butalso like not quite in my
character, because who knows?
you don't want to get judged whoknows who their character is in
their early 20s?
Yeah, um, and so then I likereach out to my friends.
I'm like, where are you like?
They're like, oh, we're here.
And then so like I'm allhungover, feeling like sick, get
fucking dressed, go to the club, meet them at the club, and

(01:00:07):
then, but I'm feeling sohungover like I'm really
struggling to even drink mydrink and I'm like really even
struggling to like normally youknow, hair of the dog recover.
There was no recovering.
I was just there like this.

Speaker 1 (01:00:17):
My friends were like, oh my god, like thank god well,
I mean thank god, I guess Idon't know.
I go back and forth with that20 you have to wait 24 hours for
a missing person because, likea lot could happen in 24 hours,
the sooner we go looking, thebetter.
But I guess also thank god theydidn't file missing persons and

(01:00:38):
that would have been, but likewho, that would have been a pain
in the.

Speaker 2 (01:00:41):
How many of those who else like hangover, like
everyone gets lost to vegas.
You know, I don't think I'veever gotten lost.
Surprisingly the amount oftimes I've ended up by myself in
vegas because I like to leaveand walking the strip and just
being by myself, I've once hadlike an old Mexican man like
walk me to my hotel room.
That is terrifying.
Yeah, I don't know why I wasalone, I think I was sad.

(01:01:02):
For some reason.
I walk into a CVS and I'm like,oh, I need chapstick, go to the
CVS, unpackage it this.

Speaker 1 (01:01:09):
That and then walk out yeah, just walk out.

Speaker 2 (01:01:13):
And he literally just like walked me to like my hotel
room, just to like make sure Igot there safe and I'm like, and
I think about shit like thatand I'm like that's lucky.
So many things could havehappened because the amount of
times I've been without my phonebecause it fucking dies can't
remember any numbers inebriatedjust out of my mind is fucking
wild, oh my god so almost almosta missing person in vegas.

Speaker 1 (01:01:38):
Jeez, louise.
Well, thank god you're safe andalive.
I would have never met you ifyou yeah, if you got like
kidnapped and like taken.
Well, thank god, I kind of didyou know.

Speaker 2 (01:01:53):
But now, like now that I'm seasoned, I definitely
know what baiting is I'm justlike, oh yeah, they're
definitely trying to get someonefor a good time, but I
definitely just thought likeafter party.
Yeah, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 (01:02:06):
like we're having fun , and I was just like this isn't
quite what I was expecting.

Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
And then I was also.
I think whenever you drink, youkind of just like, okay, fine,
I'll just make the best of it.
Then I made the best of it, andthen it had an experience well,
there you go and you live totell the tale, thank god yeah,
no judgment, no judge no it'slike this we listen and we don't
judge.

Speaker 1 (01:02:28):
This whole podcast is meant to just talk about the
fun, the funny times, thegremlin times and um, we're
older now and we don't do it asoften or you don't do it at all.

Speaker 2 (01:02:38):
I haven't grown in a long time, but it's fun to talk
about and look back.
I think that's what your early20s are for.

Speaker 1 (01:02:44):
It's meant for you.
Yeah, I'm gonna say 20s period.

Speaker 2 (01:02:47):
I don't want to say early 20s, but like I want to
say like 20s in general,experimentation that's your like
, that's why you really just gothrough things.
And, honestly, that's whatgives you character.

Speaker 1 (01:02:57):
Yeah, we got a lot of character guys, a lot of
character.
All right, well, that's ourepisode.
See, it wasn't too bad, wefigured it out.

Speaker 2 (01:03:09):
I'm like shit, did I put a filter on my face?

Speaker 1 (01:03:12):
My mouth.
No, you're fine, all right.
Where can people find you onsocials?

Speaker 2 (01:03:18):
That's a good question.
I have been Okay, she's been an.

Speaker 1 (01:03:21):
MIA on Instagram for like way too long.
She said it was going to be athree month thing and then three
months.

Speaker 2 (01:03:26):
It's been over a year .

Speaker 1 (01:03:27):
It feels like it's been like two, but whatever.

Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
So, but you are on tiktok.
What's your tiktok handle?
Is it bsals?
I don't know.
It's your tiktok dude.
I'm not typically advertisingmyself.
Well, now you are, I probablyshould.
It's what the kids are doing.

Speaker 1 (01:03:45):
It is bsals okay, how do you spell that letter b as
in boy dot s-a-l-Z.
All right, there we go.
So that's where you can findher and you can find me and the
podcast at Emily to Gremlin Podon TikTok and Instagram.
And then if you want to writein your own gremlin stories to

(01:04:07):
be featured on a future episode,it's the same as the socials
Emily to Gremlin Pod at gmailcom.
Make sure to write if you wantto stay anonymous.
I read some stories the otherday and I didn't know if you
wanted your name on there or ifit to be anonymous.
So from now on let's write in.
You should probably just gowith anonymous.

(01:04:28):
Well, I did do anonymous lasttime, just because I wanted to
be safe.
But make sure to sign it withyour name or just write that you
want to be anonymous and yeah,and that was our episode.
Alright, let's cheers one lasttime and thank you for listening
.
Bye.