June 20, 2024 • 32 mins
From Inner Critic to Inner Ally: Enhancing Emotional Intelligence
How do the words we use shape our emotions, beliefs, and behaviors? Join Ruth Lamberti , founding coach of Adult Prep, and me as we discuss the transformative power of language on our emotional and positive intelligence. We dive into the concept of the inner critic or "Judge," explaining how this negative voice can distort our self-perceptions and affect our everyday interactions. To develop our emotional intelligence, we cultivate the key skills of self-awareness and kindness, and we learn to maintain a positive internal dialogue to enhance emotional well-being and foster healthier relationships. And when it comes to our saboteurs, we are encouraged to acknowledge them--they're here and aren't going away anytime soon--but we can befriend them, thank them for the information they provide for us, and ignore the negative messages that can derail our serenity and take us down the rabbit hole of self-loathing and despair. In short, we provide practical strategies for managing our inner critic and cultivating empathy and compassion toward ourselves.
Some other key takeaways from this episode include practicing respect for others and keeping kindness in the forefront of our minds. For example, Jami recounts how she was going to be late to a dance lesson and by making a simple phone call, her stress level diminished and her dance instructor appreciated the heads-up, all of which emphasizes the importance of clear communication and courtesy. Instead of allowing her "stickler" perfectionist take over, she accepted responsibility for being late and practiced a little self-forgiveness. After all, we are perfectly imperfectly humans! Speaking of dance, we explore the joy of dance as a powerful form of self-care! This episode is packed with actionable advice for anyone looking to improve their emotional intelligence and live a more intentional, value-based life. And it starts with the words we use—the way we talk to ourselves and the way we speak to others. Language matters.
Show notes:
Ruth Lamberty
Founding Coach, Adult Prep: adultprep.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/adultprep
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AdultPrep/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/adultprep/
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Want to learn how to build your EQ? Let's meet to see if working together is good fit.
* Calendar: https://calendly.com/jami-carlacio/virtual-coffee
* Email: jami@jamicarlacio.com (mailto:%20jami@jamicarlacio.com)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jami Carlacio (00:10):
Hello and welcome to the podcast Emotional
Intelligence your greatest assetand key to success.
I'm your host, Dr.
Jami Carlacio, coming to youfrom the Greater New Haven,
Connecticut area, as a positiveintelligence, or PQ, coach.
I'm committed to helping peopledevelop both emotional
intelligence and mental fitness.
(00:31):
That is, you'll come to regardproblems as situations that help
you learn and grow.
PQ is a way of being and doingin the world that enables you to
develop and sustain a positiverelationship with yourself and
others-- at home, at work andeverywhere in between.
Please subscribe to thispodcast and tap the like button
(00:53):
so more people can enjoy thebenefits of PQ.
And now here's the show.
Hello and welcome everybody,and thank you for joining us
today.
I'm very pleased to have myguest, Ruth Lamberti on today,
and we are going to talk aboutlanguage, and so I just want to
give you a few words about Ruth.
(01:14):
She's awesome, she's a coachand she does some work with
adult prep.
And so this is Ruth.
She's the founding coach ofAdult Prep, which is a hands-on
coaching and facilitation firmwith a focus on emotional
well-being.
Hence the reason she's on thispodcast.
She has a specialtycertification in ADHD and
(01:35):
executive functioning supportand she created the
first-of-its-kind program usingevidence-based strategies to
guide couples in creating theirrelationship blueprint for a
long happy life together.
I think everyone could use that.
Ruth also fuels her passion forleadership and confidence
(01:55):
development by working andvolunteering with mission-driven
organizations where she helpsshape programs for team
engagement, community buildingand self-focused initiatives.
So to learn more about Ruth,you can go to adultprep.
com and I will have herinformation in the show notes.
So stay tuned for that, andhello and welcome.
Ruth Lamberti (02:18):
Speaker 2
Pleasure.
Jami Carlacio (02:21):
Yeah, so you know , we talked about this a long
time ago, about the importanceof language and why it's on the
podcast and why it is connectedto emotional and positive
intelligence.
And obviously what we say toourselves is often a big problem
(02:42):
Because, if you're like me, Itend to go down the rabbit hole.
Well, I don't anymore, becauseI've had a lot of positive
intelligence training and Iconsider myself always a
constant learner.
But emotional intelligence isall about self awareness and
it's it's about being kind, it'sabout, you know, really
thinking about what you say toothers, because what you say
(03:05):
comes out of here and it's whatyou believe.
And beliefs over time translateinto behavior.
So, whether it's workplaceconflict, relationship conflict,
like the stuff you deal withand help people with, all of
that really matters.
I remember growing up, Iinternalized a lot of negative
messages, and not only fromsociety, but especially in my
(03:29):
home life, and so I believedeverything.
And then I started believing itwhen it was my own voice
telling me like, oh, I can'tbelieve you just did that.
You are so dumb, you are sostupid.
And as we talk about a positiveintelligence, that's our judge.
That's our judge saying I can'tbelieve that you just did this,
and I call them ventriloquistsbecause they sound like us but
(03:51):
they are not us.
And so I want to talk about notonly that.
But I don't know about whereyou live, Ruth, but where I live
.
People have started putting yardsigns up that say please be
kind.
And I almost want to put one inmy rear view window of my car,
because that's where peopletailgate, and I would love it if
(04:13):
people would stop tailgating.
It's like dude, I can't go anyfaster.
I'm sorry, I'm going 80.
Do you want to go 90 and killsomebody, somebody?
But anyway.
So please be kind.
And I think a lot of us forgetthat what we say and what comes
out of our mouth can be reallyunkind.
So that's where I wanted tostart the conversation off today
.
Ruth Lamberti (04:34):
Thank you, I agree, it's interesting.
Everybody sort of has adifferent name for judge, as you
call it.
I sometimes use inner critic,but I also use just inner voice,
because it can be telling uspositive things sometimes as
well, and that's, I think,really what we want to talk
about today is how to lean moreinto that positivity right and
(04:55):
not to give the judge or theinner critic part of yourself
all the power to take all yourenergy and use it towards
something that's not helpful foryou.
In fact, it's probably harmful.
JamiRight, right, and the wordis power.
That is the operative word andwords have power and there's
probably a million books outthere that talk about it because
(05:18):
it is so important.
But you know there are peoplewho deal with workplace conflict
.
But you know there are peoplewho deal with workplace conflict
and there is.
If something exists, it'sbecause there's been a need for
it, and so what I want to do isI want to talk to people about
what kind of damage that canreally do to us, because, as
I've always said on this podcastand in general, we are all
(05:42):
beloved children of a loving anddivine creator.
And if that's the case and Ialways also say God doesn't make
junk and I want to credit thatto Alice McNett Miller, who was
a college friend of mine and shesaid that and it really stuck
with me that I'm not junk andtherefore any of those lies that
(06:04):
I tell myself or that peopletell me are not true.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
And I love that.
Alice, yeah, I might steal thattoo.
Thank you, Alice.
What's her name?
Thank you, Alice.
Ruth Lamberti (06:15):
I love that.
I'll have to send this to her,yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
Isn't it interesting, jamie, how just human nature is
that we are the leastcompassionate with ourselves.
I feel like you would be morecompassionate or a human would
be more compassionate to theperson tailgating them, even
though you want them off yourtush of your car.
(06:39):
Then you would be for yourselfin a similar situation and I
think that that is the biggestlesson I've learned throughout
my time coaching right, Ihaven't been a coach my whole
career.
I switched careers midstreamand that, for me, was the
biggest game changer.
We should have just as muchcompassion for ourselves as we
(07:01):
do for a stranger, stranger onthe street that you want to give
a dollar to, or a granola barif they need it, or a handshake
or a hug, and we just do nottake the I won't even say time.
I think we don't take theenergy, we don't spend the
energy on ourselves, and when wetalk more today about the
(07:22):
language you can use for that, Ihope that people will find it
really helpful to be able toturn that compassion inward a
little bit, and one of thethings I've learned in my own
journey of sort ofself-discovery and
self-awareness is about myidentity.
Ruth Lamberti (07:38):
I'm not a disease , I'm not a mental illness, I'm
not a job title, I'm just Jamie,and I happen to do these other
things.
And I was listening to TonyRobbins yesterday and he's
pretty amazing and obviously hespeaks to a lot of people's
hearts and minds and he wassaying that in his company and
(08:01):
his wife is very powerful andvery influential too.
They kind of have a rule andone of them is don't gossip.
And I don't know I think my micis doing something weird, so I
apologize if people can hearsome feedback, but it's like if
you have something to say aboutsomebody, bring them into the
(08:21):
room, and the other thing iscalling in versus calling out.
So if there is something goingon, speak your truth, but you
don't have to speak it unkindly.
You can say, wow, that reallylanded on me in a way that hurt,
and this is what I heard.
And, yeah, maybe give people thebenefit of the doubt if there
really is a benefit of the doubtto be given, but otherwise try.
(08:45):
And you know, just go back tothe car thing when people are
desperate to get around me.
I try to get out of their way.
It's like, okay, well, youreally need to be somewhere or
whatever, so I'm just going toget out of your way and let you
go on.
Or I try to let people in thelane that they need to get into,
because it's no skin off myteeth to be nice.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Right, right, I love that, and you know, I always
just to add to that, and we'retalking a lot about cars but I
always like to say to myselfwell, there might be an
emergency right, give them thebenefit of the doubt in that way
as well.
We'd have no idea what's goingon in their brains, in their
cars, in their households, andso I would rather think that
(09:30):
they really need to get aroundme rather than they just are
being a little bit jerky onpurpose, because I can choose to
think I'm never going to meetthem.
I can choose to think whatever,whatever I want, about the
situation.
Ruth Lamberti (09:43):
Right, and one of the things I used to be I used
to really be victim to orsubject to road rage and I also
gave that up and one of thethings that I started doing was
blessing people, and so I wouldjust give them a blessing so
that they would be safe and notget, you know, not get in a
wreck.
But what it did is it changedmy feelings and it just softened
(10:07):
everything.
So just blessing people meantthat I was in the mode of
kindness and compassion and notin the mode of judging.
And again, our judge is huge,my judge.
I always think of my judges asbig as the Lincoln Memorial.
But I've learned to silence thejudge or say recognize it, put
the judge in a corner and thenmove to the sage.
(10:28):
So one of them is empathy.
Right, the first sage power isempathy.
And going back to what you said, which is so important in terms
of how we have less compassionfor ourselves than we do with
others, and so what I've alsolearned to do is look at the
self at a particular age wheresomething touched me, whether it
(10:52):
was a pain point, when I wasfive or eight or 12.
When I was five or eight or 12.
And I give compassion to thatpart of me and that helps me
grow, you know, just lovingmyself and saying, yeah, it's
okay, yeah, you made a mistake,you're not dumb, you're not
stupid, you just are a humanbeing.
You know, you're a spiritualbeing in a human body.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Yeah, I love that.
I also love that you know whenyou talk about that you bless
people.
You're taking an action firstand sort of hoping at least I
assume when you started hopingthe emotion, the feeling to
follow, and you know, I thinkthat's a really good rule to
(11:40):
live by, especially if you arehaving trouble changing the
thought pattern right Just withyour internal monologue.
That can be really hard.
So take the action.
Take a values based action foryou.
Blessing the people that aredriving around you can make you
know it sounds like it made areally big difference for you.
Ruth Lamberti (12:00):
It did.
It made a huge difference.
It just made my drive that muchnicer and I also learned that if
I'm in a hurry, it's probablymy fault because I left too late
and so leave earlier.
Or call ahead and say I'm goingto be a couple minutes late.
Or simply, as positiveintelligence teaches us, get in
the moment, start breathing,noticing your fingertips,
(12:25):
noticing the lines in the road,but quit thinking about stuff
that hasn't happened yet orstuff that has happened a long
time ago, because the pastdoesn't equal the present and
the future hasn't even happenedyet.
So, again, using emotionalintelligence, it's the
self-awareness, it's being inthe present, it's being mindful,
being mindful.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Yeah, mindfulness, just that awareness in general,
I find also super helpful,because if you're not aware of
what's going on, you can't doanything about it, either
externally or in your own mind.
You can't do anything about iteither externally or in your own
mind.
You can't do anything to changein a positive way if you're not
aware of what's going on.
So I think mindfulness is agreat first step for that as
(13:08):
well.
Ruth Lamberti (13:08):
Right, and I've talked about this before, but
when you're in a situation whereyou have to be in groups and
make a decision, a collectivedecision First of all, there is
no such thing as an emotion-freedecision.
So again, being aware of theemotions, being aware of this
desire to judge other people whodon't think like you, and
(13:32):
consider that some of what theyhave to say is good or valuable,
even if not all of it they haveto say is good or valuable,
even if not all of it or youdon't find all of it valuable.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
And affirming people is so much nicer and better than
cutting them down yeah,including including yourself,
right?
Why again I go back to it, I ama big proponent of this why
give that, that piece of you,that compassion compassion to
someone else and not yourself?
I noticed you said you know ifyou're late getting somewhere,
you just recognize that nexttime you've got to leave earlier
(14:08):
.
I didn't hear you say at thispoint in your life that you're
beating yourself up for itbecause you can't go back.
I mean, it'd be very cool ifyou could, but I'm guessing you
don't have a time machine so youcan't go backwards, just like
we don't have a crystal ball, sowe can't necessarily, um
predict the future.
And so why beat yourself upabout something that's already
happened?
(14:28):
You're going to instead takethat energy and learn from it
and leave earlier next time,hopefully, so you don't feel
that rush again.
Ruth Lamberti (14:35):
Yeah and um, I'm taking dance lessons and it's a
half hour drive and it's up 95.
So anyone on the East Coastknows that I-95 can be a real
bear, and if you're on the WestCoast, i-5 can be a bear too.
So you know that you can neverdecide whether there's going to
be traffic or whether there'sgoing to be an accident or
whether there's going to be roadwork.
(14:56):
So I always have to take intoaccount that it may be a half
hour drive, but I don't knowwhat's going to happen along the
way.
And one day I was going to be afew minutes late and I was
panicking because I only have a45 minute lesson and they have
lessons one after the other, sothat would cut into my time.
(15:17):
But it also is a courtesy tothe people waiting for me who
say, yeah, she's coming at 315.
And if I'm not there, they'rewondering if I'm going to show
up, because they could havegiven that slot to somebody else
.
So I called and they said oh mygosh, I'm going to be a few
minutes late.
And they got they.
When they saw me they saidThank you so much for calling.
(15:37):
They said thank you because wewould have been wondering where
you were.
And now we don't have to wonder, and you're here and let's get
going.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
Yeah, so taking that 30 seconds to give them a heads
up also sort of extended thatcompassion and my guess is it
probably made you feel betterabout being late because you
weren't anxious that they weregoing to be anxious that you
weren't there yet.
Yeah, late because you weren'tanxious that they were going to
be anxious that you weren'tthere yet.
Yeah, exactly.
Also, I love that you're takingdance lessons.
Is it a particular kind ofdance or a variety?
Ruth Lamberti (16:06):
Yes, I'm going to the Arthur Murray Dance Studio
in Guilford, connecticut, andI've been plugging them because
they support the podcast, andI've been doing tango east and
west coast swing, foxtrot waltz,and I have a routine that I've
been doing tango east and westcoast swing, foxtrot waltz and I
have a routine that I've beendoing with my instructor and
we're actually having itprofessionally video recorded
and edited and unfortunately,I'm going to be doing it to a
(16:30):
song that's under copyright, soI can't post it because it'll
get taken down.
But for those of you who knowwho Shakira is, the song is
called Te Aviso, te Anuncio andit is about a woman whose
boyfriend is starting to look atanother woman and she's a
little ticked off, and so, basedon the music video, my
(16:54):
instructor and I developed aroutine, we choreographed it and
we're going to be doing a videoof it, probably next week, and
I'm really excited because ifyou've ever watched professional
dancers, they make it look soeasy and it is so not easy.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Well, I love that for you.
You just folks that arelistening and not watching can't
necessarily see this.
Jami Carlacio (17:19):
They might be able to hear it in your voice,
but you just lit up when youtalked about it, and that's.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
that's the best.
We should all have somethinglike that in our lives.
Ruth Lamberti (17:27):
Yeah, and that also, I think, goes to how I
talk to myself and treat myselfinstead of thinking oh, you know
, I don't, I don't want to do itor I won't be any good at it.
I said I'm going to do itbecause I love dancing and I'm
doing it without a partner.
I show up to the dance lessonsand we all trade partners, so it
(17:47):
doesn't matter if you came withsomebody or came by yourself.
We're all there learning and,yes, I've stepped on a few feet
and a few feet have stepped onme, and actually we just laugh
about it.
We're like okay, next time I'mgoing to wear different shoes.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
It's great you know self-care and I know we're not
talking I don't want to go toofar into that.
We're not talking about ittoday, but this is a great
example of self-care.
That's not just I think a lotof people still think of
self-care as getting a massageor getting your nails done lot
of people still think ofself-care as getting a massage
or getting your nails done it'salso just taking care of your
needs, whatever they might be,and this brings you excitement
(18:24):
and joy, and that's a reallyimportant part of self-care and
I love that for you.
Ruth Lamberti (18:29):
Yeah, it's infectious right.
It's infectious.
So whatever I do to care aboutmyself is going to bleed out.
And likewise, if I'm in amorose state of mind or a
negative state of mind, it showsup outside of me and it shows
(18:52):
up in my words.
It shows up in my speech and itshows up in my words.
It shows up in my speech andthen that puts people off right.
It breaks the connection.
And the thing is because we arelanguage users.
You know, language is all aboutmaking meaning.
So what happens is anexperience we have, but we
translate it into words and intolanguage, whether we verbalize
(19:14):
it or not.
And then that translates intohow we see the world.
I love Wayne Dyer and he sayswhen you change the way you look
at things, the things you lookat change, and it isn't just
what you see, but how you talkabout it.
And again right back tolanguage.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
What do you think, jamie, is the?
There are a lot of importantpieces, but if you had to narrow
it down to one thing, what doyou think is the most important
piece of a healthy monologue,whether it be internal or
external?
Ruth Lamberti (19:52):
I think, self-forgiveness.
I think we are all slightlyperfectionist.
Maybe there's a continuum.
Some of us are way on the otherend, and I was certainly one of
those people, and it'scertainly one of somebody who
has really high standards.
And oftentimes I will hearperfectionists say well, I have
(20:20):
high standards for myself, butnot other people.
And I'm thinking but if you'vegot these high standards and you
hold them up here for yourself,it's a little bit of hubris
because you're thinking that youneed to achieve this higher
level, but other people don't,because maybe they can't.
And so I think for me it'sself-forgiveness.
(20:40):
It's when I make a mistake,when I say something unkind,
when I have a knee-jerk reaction, the judge says you're so
terrible, you said that thing.
The sage says okay, so go makeit right.
You know, yeah, you're going tosay stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
That perspective on perfectionism looking at what,
the value, what?
What are we missing in terms ofthe value piece, what drives us
(21:23):
, what motivates us, that we arethen inflating it into a demand
, and it's a lot easier todemand things of ourselves than
others.
Ruth Lamberti (21:33):
And the other thing I learned just along the
continuum of life is that holdon, I think I just lost my
thought, but it's.
I have to love myself and theway I talk to myself is going to
be the way I talk to otherpeople, the way I talk to other
(21:58):
people.
So if I can show myselfkindness and if I can love
myself, I can love other people.
And it took me a long, longtime to understand that, that,
that if I have this habit ofjudging and criticizing and, you
know, evaluating negativelymyself, then ultimately, whether
it's verbalized or not, I'mdoing that to other people and
(22:18):
then that cuts me off.
So ultimately, when I think ofemotional and positive
intelligence, I think ofconnection, and I want to be
connected to people, notdisconnected.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
Sounds like you do that a lot through authenticity
as much as possible Sounds likeyou do that a lot through
authenticity as much as possible.
Ruth Lamberti (22:37):
Yeah, I mean yeah , and I think you know that's
what people value, right?
We just want to be real.
And the other thing I learnedis if you're trying to be a
perfectionist and you useperfectionist language, people
are like I don't want to bearound that person because I
definitely fall short.
I don't want to be, I don'twant to really find out.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
You know that that person thinks I'm whatever are
not the person next to you, youare not your manager, you are
you, and it's good to have goals, but also to realize and hold
(23:22):
healthy boundaries.
And that's again, both internaland external.
And you know, I agree, Ifsomeone can be authentically
them, you know it's very hardand it sort of goes back to that
awareness piece For me.
I I feel again lots ofimportant parts of this, you
know, language piece.
(23:43):
But if you're able to pause andchoose so you have to be aware
of what's going on and pause andsay, instead of telling myself
this or instead of telling thatperson this, it's a better
choice, it's a more values-basedchoice to do this, to say this,
that is so good.
(24:08):
And people are like go, go, go,go, go all day, every day, so
overscheduled and so many things.
And that affects our minds aswell.
Then our minds are go, go, goall day, and then a lot of
people can't sleep because theirhead hits the pillow and their
brain's going oh, you don't haveanything to do, we're going to
think all the things.
So pausing, yeah.
So I think for me, you knowthat extra uber important piece
(24:31):
is the ability to pause, to beaware, so that you can make the
best choice for yourself in themoment.
Ruth Lamberti (24:38):
Yeah, that's right, it's hard it is, yeah.
So we're talking like it's someeasy thing to do, but it is not
.
It takes practice andintentionality and really just
showing up to life you know yesshowing up.
Go ahead, I.
I feel like you're going to saysomething.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
No, I was going to ask actually, do you ever?
There's an exercise I don't doit as much anymore because I've
been able to pull it, you know,in internally, but there's an
exercise I used to do and Istill recommend to certain
clients that are having troublehaving that conversation with
themselves, which I think, aswe've discussed, is important in
order for you to be able tohave that conversation with
themselves, which I think, aswe've discussed, is important in
order for you to be able tohave that conversation with
others, to take that languageexternal.
(25:19):
Are there any exercises thatyou do or did that allow you
sort of to get that distancefrom your judge?
Ruth Lamberti (25:28):
Yeah well, with positive intelligence we learn
to intercept, and you can'tintercept something you're not
aware of.
So the very first thing weteach in positive intelligence
is who are the saboteurs?
And then how do they functionin your life?
And there's usually a top one,and for me it was stickler, and
(25:49):
the second one was peoplepleaser, and of course, the
judge is just trumps everything.
But what I learned is a thatthey exist, be that they're not
me, and see, I can stop themanytime I want by moving right
into the present.
So we talk about the pq gym,and the pq gym is simply
(26:10):
exercising that muscle, thatsage muscle, and to do that you
can just right away go intowhatever sensory thing you want,
whether it's touching, seeing,listening.
I was doing some PQ reps thismorning and I was practicing
sound.
So the idea is listen, whetherit's the listening of the voice
(26:31):
of the person you're speaking,with their timbre, their tone,
their accent, or, for me, I wassitting in my room meditating,
and so I was listening to birdschirp and I was trying to figure
out.
Well, which bird is that?
And I wonder what they'resaying to each other right now.
And so that's something I doand that has helped immeasurably
(26:54):
, identifying and then stoppingthem.
Because, as I say, there'sthese two neural pathways and if
we can stop them at thejuncture, you don't have to go
down the rabbit hole anymore.
You can say I'm going to haveempathy and compassion, or I'm
going to explore like why am Ihaving this feeling right now?
Why am I having this reaction so?
Those are some things I do.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
I love that I'm learning so much from you.
I do something similarly in theways of talking yourself
through it.
Whatever is happening, I have acharacter to my inner critic,
my inner voice.
I mean, you're a judge and Ithink it's different for
everybody.
Mine is from the 80s movieGremlins.
(27:38):
You remember this movie.
So I chose the gremlin becausehe is this adorable alien Furby
creature.
Until I hope this is not aspoiler it has been 40 years,
thank you.
It's a good thing I look soyoung.
No, I'm just kidding.
I choose the gremlin because myhope is that if I'm
(28:04):
compassionate with the gremlin,he can turn back into gizmo.
He can turn back into hisadorable you know not slimy,
icky version of himself.
So what I do is I put my handout so I can actually picture
him, and I put the gremlin on myhand and I talk to him.
And the first thing I always sayas silly as it might sound to
people, I think it's reallyimportant to thank your brain,
(28:27):
because whatever is coming up iscoming up for a reason.
So I say thank you, gremlin,for trying to protect me,
because that's what he's doing.
Don't tell, don't, don't ask mewhy.
My inner critic is a man, butit is.
So I say thank you for tryingto protect me from whatever that
fear is or the uncertainty, andright now, um is not the best
(28:52):
time for this.
I'm not ignoring you, rightCause if we ignore them, they
just come back stronger.
What we resist persists, asthey say, and so I try to be
kind and compassionate with him.
That's sometimes hard to do formyself, and my hope is that
he'll turn into gizmo and I canpull it back in and move on to
(29:12):
something else, and when heshows back up again, I just do
the same thing and get stronger.
I feel like every time atquieting him down a little bit,
a little bit faster.
Ruth Lamberti (29:23):
Yes, you have described positive intelligence
and emotional intelligence.
You just use a few differentwords, but it's the same thing
and I love, love, love and it isso true.
I agree with you saying hello,yes, hello, and I've talked
about this with Buddhistphilosophy.
Mara is this kind of ghosty,bad figure that tried to tempt
(29:46):
the Buddha when he was inbecoming enlightened.
And Buddha said you know,buddha was busy meditating and
becoming enlightened and he justsaid I see you, mara, I see you
, that's OK, I see you and it isright, acknowledge it is there
(30:06):
and I love that you can saythank you.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Yeah, yeah.
Again, it might seem silly tosome people, but I think that
that just really quiets thatvoice for me.
So it enables me you know yousay your judge is not.
Is not you Right?
So it enables me to sort oftake back over and make those
informed choices that keep mehappier and healthier and enable
(30:33):
me to then use that languageexternally as well, as you were
mentioning, and have thatcompassion for others and to
also be honest in a kind way, asyou mentioned earlier as well.
It helps you to be a littleclearer.
Ruth Lamberti (30:49):
Yep, yep, exactly .
We are already out of time.
I try to keep this podcast to ahalf an hour just because
people are often not in the carfor that long.
If you're listening or ifyou're watching on YouTube,
you're thinking, oh, I don'thave an hour to do this.
I'd rather watch a crimethriller at night, which I do.
So I want to do.
(31:12):
You want to leave us with apositive word or two?
So do you want to leave us witha positive word or two?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
Sure, yeah, I actually have something on my
computer screen that I've beenleaning into lately.
It's not exactly an affirmation, it's just something that works
.
I mean, it can be justsomething that works for me and
I'm going to read it to you,because I have a screen over
here.
It says you are what you do,not what you say you'll do, and
(31:40):
so I think that's just animportant reminder that the
language can also our languagecan also be in action right, and
to express that externally viaan action is a very healthy way
to live through and achieve yourgoals.
Ruth Lamberti (31:58):
Yeah, it's all about integrity.
You know, do what you sayyou're going to do, unless it's
mean, and then maybe do theopposite yeah.
Jami Carlacio (32:09):
All right can't feel a thing.
You say I'm strong when I thinkI'm weak.
That's our show.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
Thank you again, ruth , thank you all for listening or
watching, and we will see youat the pq gym.
Thank you so much.
Hello and welcome to the podcast Emotional
Intelligence your greatest assetand key to success.
I'm your host, Dr.
Jami Carlacio, coming to youfrom the Greater New Haven,
Connecticut area, as a positiveintelligence, or PQ, coach.
I'm committed to helping peopledevelop both emotional
intelligence and mental fitness.
(00:31):
That is, you'll come to regardproblems as situations that help
you learn and grow.
PQ is a way of being and doingin the world that enables you to
develop and sustain a positiverelationship with yourself and
others-- at home, at work andeverywhere in between.
Please subscribe to thispodcast and tap the like button
(00:53):
so more people can enjoy thebenefits of PQ.
And now here's the show.
Hello and welcome everybody,and thank you for joining us
today.
I'm very pleased to have myguest, Ruth Lamberti on today,
and we are going to talk aboutlanguage, and so I just want to
give you a few words about Ruth.
(01:14):
She's awesome, she's a coachand she does some work with
adult prep.
And so this is Ruth.
She's the founding coach ofAdult Prep, which is a hands-on
coaching and facilitation firmwith a focus on emotional
well-being.
Hence the reason she's on thispodcast.
She has a specialtycertification in ADHD and
(01:35):
executive functioning supportand she created the
first-of-its-kind program usingevidence-based strategies to
guide couples in creating theirrelationship blueprint for a
long happy life together.
I think everyone could use that.
Ruth also fuels her passion forleadership and confidence
(01:55):
development by working andvolunteering with mission-driven
organizations where she helpsshape programs for team
engagement, community buildingand self-focused initiatives.
So to learn more about Ruth,you can go to adultprep.
com and I will have herinformation in the show notes.
So stay tuned for that, andhello and welcome.
Ruth Lamberti (02:18):
Speaker 2
Pleasure.
Jami Carlacio (02:21):
Yeah, so you know , we talked about this a long
time ago, about the importanceof language and why it's on the
podcast and why it is connectedto emotional and positive
intelligence.
And obviously what we say toourselves is often a big problem
(02:42):
Because, if you're like me, Itend to go down the rabbit hole.
Well, I don't anymore, becauseI've had a lot of positive
intelligence training and Iconsider myself always a
constant learner.
But emotional intelligence isall about self awareness and
it's it's about being kind, it'sabout, you know, really
thinking about what you say toothers, because what you say
(03:05):
comes out of here and it's whatyou believe.
And beliefs over time translateinto behavior.
So, whether it's workplaceconflict, relationship conflict,
like the stuff you deal withand help people with, all of
that really matters.
I remember growing up, Iinternalized a lot of negative
messages, and not only fromsociety, but especially in my
(03:29):
home life, and so I believedeverything.
And then I started believing itwhen it was my own voice
telling me like, oh, I can'tbelieve you just did that.
You are so dumb, you are sostupid.
And as we talk about a positiveintelligence, that's our judge.
That's our judge saying I can'tbelieve that you just did this,
and I call them ventriloquistsbecause they sound like us but
(03:51):
they are not us.
And so I want to talk about notonly that.
But I don't know about whereyou live, Ruth, but where I live
.
People have started putting yardsigns up that say please be
kind.
And I almost want to put one inmy rear view window of my car,
because that's where peopletailgate, and I would love it if
(04:13):
people would stop tailgating.
It's like dude, I can't go anyfaster.
I'm sorry, I'm going 80.
Do you want to go 90 and killsomebody, somebody?
But anyway.
So please be kind.
And I think a lot of us forgetthat what we say and what comes
out of our mouth can be reallyunkind.
So that's where I wanted tostart the conversation off today
.
Ruth Lamberti (04:34):
Thank you, I agree, it's interesting.
Everybody sort of has adifferent name for judge, as you
call it.
I sometimes use inner critic,but I also use just inner voice,
because it can be telling uspositive things sometimes as
well, and that's, I think,really what we want to talk
about today is how to lean moreinto that positivity right and
(04:55):
not to give the judge or theinner critic part of yourself
all the power to take all yourenergy and use it towards
something that's not helpful foryou.
In fact, it's probably harmful.
JamiRight, right, and the wordis power.
That is the operative word andwords have power and there's
probably a million books outthere that talk about it because
(05:18):
it is so important.
But you know there are peoplewho deal with workplace conflict
.
But you know there are peoplewho deal with workplace conflict
and there is.
If something exists, it'sbecause there's been a need for
it, and so what I want to do isI want to talk to people about
what kind of damage that canreally do to us, because, as
I've always said on this podcastand in general, we are all
(05:42):
beloved children of a loving anddivine creator.
And if that's the case and Ialways also say God doesn't make
junk and I want to credit thatto Alice McNett Miller, who was
a college friend of mine and shesaid that and it really stuck
with me that I'm not junk andtherefore any of those lies that
(06:04):
I tell myself or that peopletell me are not true.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
And I love that.
Alice, yeah, I might steal thattoo.
Thank you, Alice.
What's her name?
Thank you, Alice.
Ruth Lamberti (06:15):
I love that.
I'll have to send this to her,yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
Isn't it interesting, jamie, how just human nature is
that we are the leastcompassionate with ourselves.
I feel like you would be morecompassionate or a human would
be more compassionate to theperson tailgating them, even
though you want them off yourtush of your car.
(06:39):
Then you would be for yourselfin a similar situation and I
think that that is the biggestlesson I've learned throughout
my time coaching right, Ihaven't been a coach my whole
career.
I switched careers midstreamand that, for me, was the
biggest game changer.
We should have just as muchcompassion for ourselves as we
(07:01):
do for a stranger, stranger onthe street that you want to give
a dollar to, or a granola barif they need it, or a handshake
or a hug, and we just do nottake the I won't even say time.
I think we don't take theenergy, we don't spend the
energy on ourselves, and when wetalk more today about the
(07:22):
language you can use for that, Ihope that people will find it
really helpful to be able toturn that compassion inward a
little bit, and one of thethings I've learned in my own
journey of sort ofself-discovery and
self-awareness is about myidentity.
Ruth Lamberti (07:38):
I'm not a disease , I'm not a mental illness, I'm
not a job title, I'm just Jamie,and I happen to do these other
things.
And I was listening to TonyRobbins yesterday and he's
pretty amazing and obviously hespeaks to a lot of people's
hearts and minds and he wassaying that in his company and
(08:01):
his wife is very powerful andvery influential too.
They kind of have a rule andone of them is don't gossip.
And I don't know I think my micis doing something weird, so I
apologize if people can hearsome feedback, but it's like if
you have something to say aboutsomebody, bring them into the
(08:21):
room, and the other thing iscalling in versus calling out.
So if there is something goingon, speak your truth, but you
don't have to speak it unkindly.
You can say, wow, that reallylanded on me in a way that hurt,
and this is what I heard.
And, yeah, maybe give people thebenefit of the doubt if there
really is a benefit of the doubtto be given, but otherwise try.
(08:45):
And you know, just go back tothe car thing when people are
desperate to get around me.
I try to get out of their way.
It's like, okay, well, youreally need to be somewhere or
whatever, so I'm just going toget out of your way and let you
go on.
Or I try to let people in thelane that they need to get into,
because it's no skin off myteeth to be nice.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Right, right, I love that, and you know, I always
just to add to that, and we'retalking a lot about cars but I
always like to say to myselfwell, there might be an
emergency right, give them thebenefit of the doubt in that way
as well.
We'd have no idea what's goingon in their brains, in their
cars, in their households, andso I would rather think that
(09:30):
they really need to get aroundme rather than they just are
being a little bit jerky onpurpose, because I can choose to
think I'm never going to meetthem.
I can choose to think whatever,whatever I want, about the
situation.
Ruth Lamberti (09:43):
Right, and one of the things I used to be I used
to really be victim to orsubject to road rage and I also
gave that up and one of thethings that I started doing was
blessing people, and so I wouldjust give them a blessing so
that they would be safe and notget, you know, not get in a
wreck.
But what it did is it changedmy feelings and it just softened
(10:07):
everything.
So just blessing people meantthat I was in the mode of
kindness and compassion and notin the mode of judging.
And again, our judge is huge,my judge.
I always think of my judges asbig as the Lincoln Memorial.
But I've learned to silence thejudge or say recognize it, put
the judge in a corner and thenmove to the sage.
(10:28):
So one of them is empathy.
Right, the first sage power isempathy.
And going back to what you said, which is so important in terms
of how we have less compassionfor ourselves than we do with
others, and so what I've alsolearned to do is look at the
self at a particular age wheresomething touched me, whether it
(10:52):
was a pain point, when I wasfive or eight or 12.
When I was five or eight or 12.
And I give compassion to thatpart of me and that helps me
grow, you know, just lovingmyself and saying, yeah, it's
okay, yeah, you made a mistake,you're not dumb, you're not
stupid, you just are a humanbeing.
You know, you're a spiritualbeing in a human body.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Yeah, I love that.
I also love that you know whenyou talk about that you bless
people.
You're taking an action firstand sort of hoping at least I
assume when you started hopingthe emotion, the feeling to
follow, and you know, I thinkthat's a really good rule to
(11:40):
live by, especially if you arehaving trouble changing the
thought pattern right Just withyour internal monologue.
That can be really hard.
So take the action.
Take a values based action foryou.
Blessing the people that aredriving around you can make you
know it sounds like it made areally big difference for you.
Ruth Lamberti (12:00):
It did.
It made a huge difference.
It just made my drive that muchnicer and I also learned that if
I'm in a hurry, it's probablymy fault because I left too late
and so leave earlier.
Or call ahead and say I'm goingto be a couple minutes late.
Or simply, as positiveintelligence teaches us, get in
the moment, start breathing,noticing your fingertips,
(12:25):
noticing the lines in the road,but quit thinking about stuff
that hasn't happened yet orstuff that has happened a long
time ago, because the pastdoesn't equal the present and
the future hasn't even happenedyet.
So, again, using emotionalintelligence, it's the
self-awareness, it's being inthe present, it's being mindful,
being mindful.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Yeah, mindfulness, just that awareness in general,
I find also super helpful,because if you're not aware of
what's going on, you can't doanything about it, either
externally or in your own mind.
You can't do anything about iteither externally or in your own
mind.
You can't do anything to changein a positive way if you're not
aware of what's going on.
So I think mindfulness is agreat first step for that as
(13:08):
well.
Ruth Lamberti (13:08):
Right, and I've talked about this before, but
when you're in a situation whereyou have to be in groups and
make a decision, a collectivedecision First of all, there is
no such thing as an emotion-freedecision.
So again, being aware of theemotions, being aware of this
desire to judge other people whodon't think like you, and
(13:32):
consider that some of what theyhave to say is good or valuable,
even if not all of it they haveto say is good or valuable,
even if not all of it or youdon't find all of it valuable.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
And affirming people is so much nicer and better than
cutting them down yeah,including including yourself,
right?
Why again I go back to it, I ama big proponent of this why
give that, that piece of you,that compassion compassion to
someone else and not yourself?
I noticed you said you know ifyou're late getting somewhere,
you just recognize that nexttime you've got to leave earlier
(14:08):
.
I didn't hear you say at thispoint in your life that you're
beating yourself up for itbecause you can't go back.
I mean, it'd be very cool ifyou could, but I'm guessing you
don't have a time machine so youcan't go backwards, just like
we don't have a crystal ball, sowe can't necessarily, um
predict the future.
And so why beat yourself upabout something that's already
happened?
(14:28):
You're going to instead takethat energy and learn from it
and leave earlier next time,hopefully, so you don't feel
that rush again.
Ruth Lamberti (14:35):
Yeah and um, I'm taking dance lessons and it's a
half hour drive and it's up 95.
So anyone on the East Coastknows that I-95 can be a real
bear, and if you're on the WestCoast, i-5 can be a bear too.
So you know that you can neverdecide whether there's going to
be traffic or whether there'sgoing to be an accident or
whether there's going to be roadwork.
(14:56):
So I always have to take intoaccount that it may be a half
hour drive, but I don't knowwhat's going to happen along the
way.
And one day I was going to be afew minutes late and I was
panicking because I only have a45 minute lesson and they have
lessons one after the other, sothat would cut into my time.
(15:17):
But it also is a courtesy tothe people waiting for me who
say, yeah, she's coming at 315.
And if I'm not there, they'rewondering if I'm going to show
up, because they could havegiven that slot to somebody else
.
So I called and they said oh mygosh, I'm going to be a few
minutes late.
And they got they.
When they saw me they saidThank you so much for calling.
(15:37):
They said thank you because wewould have been wondering where
you were.
And now we don't have to wonder, and you're here and let's get
going.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
Yeah, so taking that 30 seconds to give them a heads
up also sort of extended thatcompassion and my guess is it
probably made you feel betterabout being late because you
weren't anxious that they weregoing to be anxious that you
weren't there yet.
Yeah, late because you weren'tanxious that they were going to
be anxious that you weren'tthere yet.
Yeah, exactly.
Also, I love that you're takingdance lessons.
Is it a particular kind ofdance or a variety?
Ruth Lamberti (16:06):
Yes, I'm going to the Arthur Murray Dance Studio
in Guilford, connecticut, andI've been plugging them because
they support the podcast, andI've been doing tango east and
west coast swing, foxtrot waltz,and I have a routine that I've
been doing tango east and westcoast swing, foxtrot waltz and I
have a routine that I've beendoing with my instructor and
we're actually having itprofessionally video recorded
and edited and unfortunately,I'm going to be doing it to a
(16:30):
song that's under copyright, soI can't post it because it'll
get taken down.
But for those of you who knowwho Shakira is, the song is
called Te Aviso, te Anuncio andit is about a woman whose
boyfriend is starting to look atanother woman and she's a
little ticked off, and so, basedon the music video, my
(16:54):
instructor and I developed aroutine, we choreographed it and
we're going to be doing a videoof it, probably next week, and
I'm really excited because ifyou've ever watched professional
dancers, they make it look soeasy and it is so not easy.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Well, I love that for you.
You just folks that arelistening and not watching can't
necessarily see this.
Jami Carlacio (17:19):
They might be able to hear it in your voice,
but you just lit up when youtalked about it, and that's.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
that's the best.
We should all have somethinglike that in our lives.
Ruth Lamberti (17:27):
Yeah, and that also, I think, goes to how I
talk to myself and treat myselfinstead of thinking oh, you know
, I don't, I don't want to do itor I won't be any good at it.
I said I'm going to do itbecause I love dancing and I'm
doing it without a partner.
I show up to the dance lessonsand we all trade partners, so it
(17:47):
doesn't matter if you came withsomebody or came by yourself.
We're all there learning and,yes, I've stepped on a few feet
and a few feet have stepped onme, and actually we just laugh
about it.
We're like okay, next time I'mgoing to wear different shoes.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
It's great you know self-care and I know we're not
talking I don't want to go toofar into that.
We're not talking about ittoday, but this is a great
example of self-care.
That's not just I think a lotof people still think of
self-care as getting a massageor getting your nails done lot
of people still think ofself-care as getting a massage
or getting your nails done it'salso just taking care of your
needs, whatever they might be,and this brings you excitement
(18:24):
and joy, and that's a reallyimportant part of self-care and
I love that for you.
Ruth Lamberti (18:29):
Yeah, it's infectious right.
It's infectious.
So whatever I do to care aboutmyself is going to bleed out.
And likewise, if I'm in amorose state of mind or a
negative state of mind, it showsup outside of me and it shows
(18:52):
up in my words.
It shows up in my speech and itshows up in my words.
It shows up in my speech andthen that puts people off right.
It breaks the connection.
And the thing is because we arelanguage users.
You know, language is all aboutmaking meaning.
So what happens is anexperience we have, but we
translate it into words and intolanguage, whether we verbalize
(19:14):
it or not.
And then that translates intohow we see the world.
I love Wayne Dyer and he sayswhen you change the way you look
at things, the things you lookat change, and it isn't just
what you see, but how you talkabout it.
And again right back tolanguage.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
What do you think, jamie, is the?
There are a lot of importantpieces, but if you had to narrow
it down to one thing, what doyou think is the most important
piece of a healthy monologue,whether it be internal or
external?
Ruth Lamberti (19:52):
I think, self-forgiveness.
I think we are all slightlyperfectionist.
Maybe there's a continuum.
Some of us are way on the otherend, and I was certainly one of
those people, and it'scertainly one of somebody who
has really high standards.
And oftentimes I will hearperfectionists say well, I have
(20:20):
high standards for myself, butnot other people.
And I'm thinking but if you'vegot these high standards and you
hold them up here for yourself,it's a little bit of hubris
because you're thinking that youneed to achieve this higher
level, but other people don't,because maybe they can't.
And so I think for me it'sself-forgiveness.
(20:40):
It's when I make a mistake,when I say something unkind,
when I have a knee-jerk reaction, the judge says you're so
terrible, you said that thing.
The sage says okay, so go makeit right.
You know, yeah, you're going tosay stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
That perspective on perfectionism looking at what,
the value, what?
What are we missing in terms ofthe value piece, what drives us
(21:23):
, what motivates us, that we arethen inflating it into a demand
, and it's a lot easier todemand things of ourselves than
others.
Ruth Lamberti (21:33):
And the other thing I learned just along the
continuum of life is that holdon, I think I just lost my
thought, but it's.
I have to love myself and theway I talk to myself is going to
be the way I talk to otherpeople, the way I talk to other
(21:58):
people.
So if I can show myselfkindness and if I can love
myself, I can love other people.
And it took me a long, longtime to understand that, that,
that if I have this habit ofjudging and criticizing and, you
know, evaluating negativelymyself, then ultimately, whether
it's verbalized or not, I'mdoing that to other people and
(22:18):
then that cuts me off.
So ultimately, when I think ofemotional and positive
intelligence, I think ofconnection, and I want to be
connected to people, notdisconnected.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
Sounds like you do that a lot through authenticity
as much as possible Sounds likeyou do that a lot through
authenticity as much as possible.
Ruth Lamberti (22:37):
Yeah, I mean yeah , and I think you know that's
what people value, right?
We just want to be real.
And the other thing I learnedis if you're trying to be a
perfectionist and you useperfectionist language, people
are like I don't want to bearound that person because I
definitely fall short.
I don't want to be, I don'twant to really find out.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
You know that that person thinks I'm whatever are
not the person next to you, youare not your manager, you are
you, and it's good to have goals, but also to realize and hold
(23:22):
healthy boundaries.
And that's again, both internaland external.
And you know, I agree, Ifsomeone can be authentically
them, you know it's very hardand it sort of goes back to that
awareness piece For me.
I I feel again lots ofimportant parts of this, you
know, language piece.
(23:43):
But if you're able to pause andchoose so you have to be aware
of what's going on and pause andsay, instead of telling myself
this or instead of telling thatperson this, it's a better
choice, it's a more values-basedchoice to do this, to say this,
that is so good.
(24:08):
And people are like go, go, go,go, go all day, every day, so
overscheduled and so many things.
And that affects our minds aswell.
Then our minds are go, go, goall day, and then a lot of
people can't sleep because theirhead hits the pillow and their
brain's going oh, you don't haveanything to do, we're going to
think all the things.
So pausing, yeah.
So I think for me, you knowthat extra uber important piece
(24:31):
is the ability to pause, to beaware, so that you can make the
best choice for yourself in themoment.
Ruth Lamberti (24:38):
Yeah, that's right, it's hard it is, yeah.
So we're talking like it's someeasy thing to do, but it is not
.
It takes practice andintentionality and really just
showing up to life you know yesshowing up.
Go ahead, I.
I feel like you're going to saysomething.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
No, I was going to ask actually, do you ever?
There's an exercise I don't doit as much anymore because I've
been able to pull it, you know,in internally, but there's an
exercise I used to do and Istill recommend to certain
clients that are having troublehaving that conversation with
themselves, which I think, aswe've discussed, is important in
order for you to be able tohave that conversation with
themselves, which I think, aswe've discussed, is important in
order for you to be able tohave that conversation with
others, to take that languageexternal.
(25:19):
Are there any exercises thatyou do or did that allow you
sort of to get that distancefrom your judge?
Ruth Lamberti (25:28):
Yeah well, with positive intelligence we learn
to intercept, and you can'tintercept something you're not
aware of.
So the very first thing weteach in positive intelligence
is who are the saboteurs?
And then how do they functionin your life?
And there's usually a top one,and for me it was stickler, and
(25:49):
the second one was peoplepleaser, and of course, the
judge is just trumps everything.
But what I learned is a thatthey exist, be that they're not
me, and see, I can stop themanytime I want by moving right
into the present.
So we talk about the pq gym,and the pq gym is simply
(26:10):
exercising that muscle, thatsage muscle, and to do that you
can just right away go intowhatever sensory thing you want,
whether it's touching, seeing,listening.
I was doing some PQ reps thismorning and I was practicing
sound.
So the idea is listen, whetherit's the listening of the voice
(26:31):
of the person you're speaking,with their timbre, their tone,
their accent, or, for me, I wassitting in my room meditating,
and so I was listening to birdschirp and I was trying to figure
out.
Well, which bird is that?
And I wonder what they'resaying to each other right now.
And so that's something I doand that has helped immeasurably
(26:54):
, identifying and then stoppingthem.
Because, as I say, there'sthese two neural pathways and if
we can stop them at thejuncture, you don't have to go
down the rabbit hole anymore.
You can say I'm going to haveempathy and compassion, or I'm
going to explore like why am Ihaving this feeling right now?
Why am I having this reaction so?
Those are some things I do.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
I love that I'm learning so much from you.
I do something similarly in theways of talking yourself
through it.
Whatever is happening, I have acharacter to my inner critic,
my inner voice.
I mean, you're a judge and Ithink it's different for
everybody.
Mine is from the 80s movieGremlins.
(27:38):
You remember this movie.
So I chose the gremlin becausehe is this adorable alien Furby
creature.
Until I hope this is not aspoiler it has been 40 years,
thank you.
It's a good thing I look soyoung.
No, I'm just kidding.
I choose the gremlin because myhope is that if I'm
(28:04):
compassionate with the gremlin,he can turn back into gizmo.
He can turn back into hisadorable you know not slimy,
icky version of himself.
So what I do is I put my handout so I can actually picture
him, and I put the gremlin on myhand and I talk to him.
And the first thing I always sayas silly as it might sound to
people, I think it's reallyimportant to thank your brain,
(28:27):
because whatever is coming up iscoming up for a reason.
So I say thank you, gremlin,for trying to protect me,
because that's what he's doing.
Don't tell, don't, don't ask mewhy.
My inner critic is a man, butit is.
So I say thank you for tryingto protect me from whatever that
fear is or the uncertainty, andright now, um is not the best
(28:52):
time for this.
I'm not ignoring you, rightCause if we ignore them, they
just come back stronger.
What we resist persists, asthey say, and so I try to be
kind and compassionate with him.
That's sometimes hard to do formyself, and my hope is that
he'll turn into gizmo and I canpull it back in and move on to
(29:12):
something else, and when heshows back up again, I just do
the same thing and get stronger.
I feel like every time atquieting him down a little bit,
a little bit faster.
Ruth Lamberti (29:23):
Yes, you have described positive intelligence
and emotional intelligence.
You just use a few differentwords, but it's the same thing
and I love, love, love and it isso true.
I agree with you saying hello,yes, hello, and I've talked
about this with Buddhistphilosophy.
Mara is this kind of ghosty,bad figure that tried to tempt
(29:46):
the Buddha when he was inbecoming enlightened.
And Buddha said you know,buddha was busy meditating and
becoming enlightened and he justsaid I see you, mara, I see you
, that's OK, I see you and it isright, acknowledge it is there
(30:06):
and I love that you can saythank you.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Yeah, yeah.
Again, it might seem silly tosome people, but I think that
that just really quiets thatvoice for me.
So it enables me you know yousay your judge is not.
Is not you Right?
So it enables me to sort oftake back over and make those
informed choices that keep mehappier and healthier and enable
(30:33):
me to then use that languageexternally as well, as you were
mentioning, and have thatcompassion for others and to
also be honest in a kind way, asyou mentioned earlier as well.
It helps you to be a littleclearer.
Ruth Lamberti (30:49):
Yep, yep, exactly .
We are already out of time.
I try to keep this podcast to ahalf an hour just because
people are often not in the carfor that long.
If you're listening or ifyou're watching on YouTube,
you're thinking, oh, I don'thave an hour to do this.
I'd rather watch a crimethriller at night, which I do.
So I want to do.
(31:12):
You want to leave us with apositive word or two?
So do you want to leave us witha positive word or two?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
Sure, yeah, I actually have something on my
computer screen that I've beenleaning into lately.
It's not exactly an affirmation, it's just something that works
.
I mean, it can be justsomething that works for me and
I'm going to read it to you,because I have a screen over
here.
It says you are what you do,not what you say you'll do, and
(31:40):
so I think that's just animportant reminder that the
language can also our languagecan also be in action right, and
to express that externally viaan action is a very healthy way
to live through and achieve yourgoals.
Ruth Lamberti (31:58):
Yeah, it's all about integrity.
You know, do what you sayyou're going to do, unless it's
mean, and then maybe do theopposite yeah.
Jami Carlacio (32:09):
All right can't feel a thing.
You say I'm strong when I thinkI'm weak.
That's our show.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
Thank you again, ruth , thank you all for listening or
watching, and we will see youat the pq gym.
Thank you so much.
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