Transform your outlook on life by tuning in to my enlightening conversation with Nikki Gangemi, an international board-certified master in neuro-linguistic programming and hypnotherapy. Nikki and Jami share profound insights on the power of gratitude and its intrinsic link to emotional intelligence. Drawing from the wisdom of experts like Daniel Goleman and Shirzad Shamim, we explore how self-awareness, self-regulation, and intrinsic motivation can enhance your relationships and overall well-being, especially during challenging times such as the pandemic.
Discover how gratitude and positive thinking can be a catalyst for personal growth and daily interactions. Jami guides us through the practice of gratitude meditation, revealing how focusing on what we appreciate about our loved ones can amplify feelings of appreciation and love. We also delve into the concept of reframing negative emotions as "another 'effing' growth opportunity" or "AFGO," and in Positive Intelligence parlance, how leveraging the wisdom of our future selves can help us navigate present challenges more effectively, fostering a mindset that attracts positive experiences and relationships.
Finally, Nikki introduces the transformative CALM Method, a powerful tool designed to transition from mental chaos to clarity and action. Learn how to become conscious of your emotions, evaluate your thoughts, explore alternative possibilities, and make new decisions with actionable insights. We also share simple yet impactful practices like sending handwritten letters and thank-you cards to those whom we admire and who have had a positive impact on us, emphasizing the importance of everyday gratitude and grounding techniques. Join us for a heartwarming episode packed with practical advice to cultivate a more compassionate and grateful mindset in your daily life.
Want to learn how to build your EQ? Let's meet to see if working together is good fit.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jami (00:06):
Hello and welcome to the podcast Emotional Intelligence,
Your Greatest Asset and Key toSuccess.
I'm your host, Dr.
Jami Carlacio, coming to youfrom the Greater New Haven,
Connecticut area.
A s a positive intelligence, orPQ, coach.
I'm committed to helping peopledevelop both emotional
intelligence and mental fitness.
(00:27):
That is, you'll come to regardproblems as situations that help
you learn and grow.
PQ is a way of being and doingin the world that enables you to
develop and sustain a positiverelationship with yourself and
others, at home, at work andeverywhere in between.
Please subscribe to thispodcast and tap the like button
(00:48):
so more people can enjoy thebenefits of PQ.
And now here's the show.
I'm excited today I'm going tobe here with my friend, Nikki
Gangemi, and we are going totalk about gratitude.
So before I go any further, letme introduce Nikki to you.
For those of you who don't knowher, she's fabulous.
(01:09):
Nikki is .
.
.
s he's made three significantpivots in her life, from actress
to teacher to entrepreneur.
This firsthand experienceequips her with a unique
perspective on navigating majorlife transitions.
And if you haven't had one,just wait-- you will.
As an international boardcertified master
(01:31):
neuro-linguistic programmingpractitioner, hypnotherapist,
speaker, trainer, and author,Nikki brings a blend of
expertise, compassion, andempowerment to her coaching
practice.
She helps other entrepreneurs,perfectionists, and people
pleasers build unshakableconfidence and feel empowered to
(01:52):
pursue goals they aspire towithout letting fear and
self-doubt rob them of any moretime.
I think we all need some ofthat, Nikki.
She helps her clients transcendpersonal and professional
boundaries through thetransformative NLP coaching and
her proprietary CALM method,C-A-L-M, and we will definitely
(02:14):
get to talk about that-- whichequips people with the internal
tools necessary to attractprosperity, relationship
transformations, and to elevatetheir life and their business.
So welcome, Nikki.
Good to have you here.
Nikki (02:30):
Thank you, Jami Thanks for the beautiful introduction.
Jami (02:33):
Yes, thank you again for being here.
I'm excited to talk about this,especially because I'm a member
of a 12-step group and weconstantly talk about gratitude,
because we were all passengerson the Titanic and we were some
of the lucky few that survived.
(02:54):
And so we hold each other upand life has its ups and downs,
and certainly a lot of them.
Certainly a lot of them, butwhen we stay sober, that
actually pays great dividends.
But before I go any further, Iwant to just say a few words
(03:18):
about gratitude and therelationship to happiness.
So the Happiness Project didthis study and they asked people
to think of people who had thegreatest impact on them, the
biggest influence, and they weretold to write a letter to the
person and then to pick up thephone and call that person and
read the letter to them.
And so for those who actuallydid pick up the phone and
(03:39):
personally express theirgratitude, the people who wrote
the letter .
.
.
their happiness increased bybetween 4% and 19%.
So, either way, when youexpress gratitude, you actually
become happier.
A d you know, the pandemic hasreally done a number on us and
(03:59):
it has magnified our need forthis whole- being experience,
and I know that you have a lotto say about that, but if
there's ever a time to thinkabout our emotional intelligence
and our emotional awareness,it's now.
So Daniel Goleman is sort ofthe emotional intelligence guru,
and there are a lot ofdifferent ways that we can
(04:22):
measure our emotionalintelligence.
One is self-awareness-- notjust being aware of who you are,
but your emotions, yourstrengths, your weaknesses, your
values, and to recognize theimpact that these things have on
other people.
And then self-regulation.
You know, when we get angry orwhatever, it's easy for us to
(04:44):
have a knee-jerk reaction, butemotional regulation asks us to
pause and really look at that.
And, as Shirzad Shamim says, inPositive Intelligence, it's
like when you have a negativeemotion, like anger, it's like
putting your hand on a hot stove.
Yep, okay, it's hot, it's there.
Now take your hand off, becauseit's just going to burn you.
(05:05):
It's not going to help you.
And then social skills: emotional intelligence and (05:08):
undefined
gratitude help with your socialskills.
If you're in a mindset of "I'mangry and the world's bad and
people are bad, you can'tpossibly be in a good mindset.
And so thinking about thingsyou're thankful for, even when
life can suck, helps.
(05:29):
And self-motivation findingthat intrinsic motivation to
fulfill our goals, and so thecomparisons between practicing
gratitude and strengthening ouremotional intelligence has been
linked to moral cognition,perspective taking and fairness.
So our research in gratitudeshows that building positive
(05:51):
relationships and increasingempathy and practicing gratitude
heightens our awareness of ouremotions, our values, our
strength and our understandingof others.
And so those are some of thethings I wanted to say, just to
kick us off right now.
So, nikki, I'll just leave itto you to take whatever you want
out of that and say something.
Nikki (06:13):
Oh, wow, you said so many golden nuggets in there and I
was .
.
.
I was taking some notes as youwere talking.
I love the metaphor of the hotstove, that if we and I'm sure
we've all done this by accident,even by taking out the cookies
from the oven, and you burn yourfinger and we pull away
immediately; we do it with thephysical burning, and yet we
(06:38):
don't often do it with ouremotions.
We can feel angry or worried orfearful, and instead of pulling
away, we can just keep our handon the hot stove, so to speak,
sometimes for decades.
Right?
So I think it's, you know, thisconversation is great because
(06:58):
it's bringing awareness, whichis the first step to change, to
become aware of these things.
So that's the one thing I wantedto say, and also for me, I've
been interested in practicinggratitude for decades, and
(07:19):
something I became aware offairly recently is that I would
.
.
.
I would stay cerebral and thinkabout the things I was grateful
for, whether it was my life, myfamily, you know, all those
things that most of us aregrateful for, and then I had
this realization that I wasn'tfeeling the emotion in my body.
(07:41):
So I would think it and I wouldsay well, I'm grateful for this
and that, but then I wasmissing the feeling and I
realized how important it is toget into the feeling place of
feeling gratitude andappreciation.
Jami (07:56):
I love that and you are so right.
One of the ways that I do thatis through meditation.
So whether I'm doing agratitude meditation or I'm
writing in my journal, when Ithink about the things I'm
grateful for, if I just spend amoment and contemplate, and
immediately I can feel it in mybody.
(08:17):
And one of the things that I'mcalled to do in some of the
meditations is to think ofsomebody I love, think of
somebody I love a lot and thinkof why I'm grateful for that
person in my life.
What is it about that personthat makes me feel grateful?
And I always put my son first.
But as soon as I'm in thatmindset, I can transfer some of
(08:38):
that love and that good feelingoutward and I can send it as in
metta, as in loving kindness,and I can sort of spread that.
It kind of like you and Italked about the other day.
We talked about energy, and sowhen we're in gratitude and
we're in that kind of positivemindset, that's the energy we're
putting out into the world.
Nikki (09:00):
Yes, I love that.
It is powerful to use agratitude meditation.
And while you were talking, itmade me think about what helps
me sometimes, because we couldsay, you know we're grateful for
our family.
We could pick a specific person.
You said your son you mightthink of.
You know, one of your childrenor your spouse even.
(09:23):
And what has helped me is toget real, like zoom into a
specific moment.
You know, what is it about thisperson that I appreciate?
When I think of this person,what do I see and notice, what
images, maybe some experiencesthat you've had together, so you
could relive those moments.
What do I see, what do I hear?
(09:44):
And then what do I feel?
And that's how you could reallyget that feeling of gratitude
and appreciation in your bodyand start to vibrate at that
energy level and attract more tobe grateful for.
Jami (10:09):
And so, even if sometimes we can even attract that
negativity, if our magnet is inbad shape, you know, if we're
feeling negative, guess what?
Nothing positive comes to anegative magnet.
It's always going to be thatthing like attracts, like.
So it behooves us to findthings.
I was thinking too in terms of,say, positive intelligence.
(10:33):
When we're in a place where oneof our saboteurs gets us
whether it's the people pleaser,the controller, the
hypervigilant .
.
if we can arrest that and startfocusing on the sage pathway,
that neural pathway where we canconsider empathy and we can
explore, okay.
So yeah, I'm really angry rightnow or I'm really sad right now
(10:56):
.
It's not that you can pretendthe feeling isn't there, but
notice it and then be curiousabout it and even, you know, be
grateful that that informationis there for you to look at.
So it's actually information andmaybe that's another way of
(11:17):
practicing gratitude is to thankthe saboteur for that
information.
Or, as as Shirzad Shamin says,you know, it's Jedi training.
So when a saboteur comes andknocks at our door or enters our
living room and takes theremote and turns on the TV, say,
"oka, I have some tools now andI don't have to believe
(11:41):
anything you say and I don'thave to act on anything you say,
say, and I don't have to act onanything you say, and so that's
also something to be thankfulfor, even though sometimes, as
I've said a million times,sometimes it's that something
happens.
That's really tough and I callit an AFGO another effing growth
(12:03):
opportunity.
And as soon as I do that, assoon as I make it into an AFGO
as opposed to poor me look whatjust happened I can get some
distance from it.
And when it's a growthopportunity A I'm growing and B
it's an opportunity.
Nikki (12:20):
I love that.
I wrote that down.
A-F-G-O.
Jami (12:24):
Yes.
And depending on the companyyou're in, you can actually say
the word.
Nikki (12:28):
Yes, yes, you could say .
.
.yeah instead of using it as anacronym.
Yeah, it's true, and that'ssomething that I have learned to
do when I teach clients is whensomething is presented in front
of us and a situation thatmaybe we're not pleased with or
we don't like the result thatwe're getting.
(12:48):
If we can go to the question,what is the opportunity here for
me?
What can I learn from this?
That's going to help me to growand expand and move forward.
And then, once we can get thelesson, usually the situation
changes in a positive way.
Absolutely it does.
(13:08):
And I was also thinking that Ihave joined networking groups
that were very expensive and itdidn't turn out.
So I left, and there were a lotof times when I was just
miserable in the group and Ithink, "oh my gosh, how much
money did I spend doing thisthing?
And then I think, but wait aminute, what did you learn about
yourself during this time?
(13:30):
What did you learn about beingan entrepreneur?
What did you learn that you canthen take and do it differently
next time?
So, even though I've spent alot of money making some rather
expensive mistakes, they weremistakes I needed to learn.
That's right.
Like you said earlier, whensomething's happening, even an
emotion that we don't like howit feels, that it's information,
(13:52):
we're getting some feedback,and I like the metaphor Abraham
Hicks gives of the navigationsystem, that a negative emotion
is simply feedback, that we'vegone off track and we can
recalculate.
Yeah, and actually off trackand we can recalculate.
Jami (14:06):
Yeah.
And actually, speaking ofnavigation, well, it's one of
the sage powers too.
It's asking our older self.
Asking our older self, ouryounger self asking our older
self, what would you tell me todo right now?
If I were 20 years into thefuture, what would I say?
And if we think about that andwe think about the wisdom that
(14:29):
ostensibly we have in 20 years,we usually get a good answer.
turn left or you miss a spot.
(14:50):
Your GPS starts going kind ofhaywire in the car trying to
figure out what you're trying todo and it reroutes you and it
will reroute you.
Maybe it has to go a little bitaround the block or a long way,
but it reroutes you, it getsyou back on the track.
Nikki (15:02):
Yes, and have you noticed , Jami?
Just this awareness just cameinto my mind that that
navigation system is always niceand friendly and patient as
it's rerouting you.
What if we could be like thatvoice of the navigation system
when we realize that we're offtrack and instead of putting
(15:22):
ourselves down and, you know,beating ourselves up, we can
just, recalculating, turn left?
Jami (15:31):
Yes, oh, I love that, I love it.
Your navigation system doesn'tsay "you idiot.
tur.
I just had this big blue line,this big arrow telling you to
turn?
"What were you thinking?
Yeah, so, if we can, if we canalso, I think of .
.
One of the things that helps meis, uh, the, the serenity
(15:54):
prayer, and also the prayer ofsaint francis.
And the prayer of saint francis, as a friend of mine says, is
our job description.
Well, he says it's his, and Ithink of it as mine, to make me
an instrument of your peace.
And where there's hatred, letme sow love, and where there's
injury, let me bring pardon.
And I think of how Having thatloving attitude toward ourselves
(16:16):
helps us to have it towardothers.
And again, when you go to agrocery store and the clerk is
in a bad mood or whatever,instead of thinking "wow, she
should be in a good mood, askyourself, wonder what's going on
with her.
And maybe something happenedand she didn't really want to be
at work that day or something.
(16:36):
You know, I have a friend thatI made at divinity school, who
wasn't friendly to people shedidn't know, but as soon as she
knew you, she was your bestfriend.
And one day I noticed thatsince she didn't know me, she
didn't want to talk to me.
So I said you know what?
I love your nails.
I think those are so beautifulInstant friends.
(16:58):
She just wanted to be seen, andso I was grateful that I found
a way to connect with her.
So part of, I think, gratitudeis also connecting, whether it's
with your body or yourself orwith other people.
Nikki (17:13):
Yeah, absolutely that's .
.
.
I haven't thought about this ina while, but now that you're
speaking of that, something Iused to do is if I was out and
about and I ran into someonethat maybe wasn't friendly or
had an attitude like you said atthe supermarket, I would just
imagine this beam of lightcoming out from my heart and
(17:33):
just sending it to them and justthinking, you know, "I wish
that person peace, becauseusually when someone is upset or
behaving in a certain way likethat, they're usually hurting in
some way and they just don'tknow how to express it.
Jami (17:49):
Yeah, yeah.
And going back to the happinessproject experiment, can you
imagine somebody calling you,Nikki, and reading a letter they
wrote to tell you how gratefulthey are to you, for you, and
what kind of impact you've hadon their life?
Nikki (18:06):
That would be novel, because that really never
happens.
Yeah, yeah, that would likemake somebody's day if they were
to, even if they were toreceive a letter in the mail.
Right, we usually receive billsand flyers and advertisements
in the mail, but can you imaginegetting a letter from someone
that you know handwritten,saying what they appreciate
(18:26):
about you?
It's a handwritten letter.
I know what am I?
Let me ask Google.
Yeah, you don't really leave animprint on them in a positive
way.
Jami (18:41):
Yep, and I am committed to doing that.
Today I'm going to write acouple of letters to people that
I never write to, and eventhough I love them very much and
they love me, we don't talkthat often, so I'm encouraged
now to do that.
So, thank you, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, I get.
I get bills in the mail, I getflyers in the mail for things
(19:05):
like a new roof, and I live inan apartment complex.
It's like I don't need a newroof.
Maybe, maybe the buildingmanager does.
Nikki (19:12):
Right, exactly.
Yeah, that would be somethingto look forward to.
And yeah, that could actuallychange someone's attitude
towards the mail.
I know myself I sometimes Ileave it in the mailbox for days
because it's typically nothingthat I really am excited to
receive, and then I'll see itlike the lid isn't closed all
the way because it's over fulland it's like all right time to
(19:34):
take the mail out.
So that could change someone'sattitude towards the mail and
make them be excited.
It's like, oh, I wonder whatmight arrive today.
Jami (19:42):
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, that's a good point.
I wanted to see if I have justa sec here.
I have some cards that are, ofcourse, so this is something, um
, that I have, uh, from I don'tknow if anyone can see it
because of my background I'lltake a screenshot and put it in
(20:05):
the show notes.
But it says thank you for apositive attitude, being kind
and a good work ethic.
So I got a whole bunch of thesefrom an organization and I hand
them out to people randomly,like at a restaurant or at a
grocery store or a coffee shop,and they they're just .
.
.
their eyes widen and they'relike "thank you.
(20:26):
And the other side of it sayskeep it going.
When you see someone doingsomething good, give them a card
and then to request free cards,visit wwwselfnoworg.
And it's the Santoro Foundation.
So again, I'll put this in thenotes so you can check it out
(20:46):
and it it makes a differencejust having just someone getting
a card like oh my God, wow, shethanked me.
Nikki (20:54):
Yeah, yes, and that would encourage them to do that
behavior again, because theywere acknowledged for it and
they it's kind of it creates apositive anchor.
So it's like oh, I did thisbehavior and I had this really
good feeling.
I want that feeling again.
Let me do this behavior againso it could encourage more
(21:15):
kindness.
Jami (21:16):
Yeah, it's a pay it forward kind of a thing right.
And I think I have somewhere inone of the descriptions that
gratitude is an action word andso it isn't just oh yeah, thank
you.
It is the taking the actionthat when you're feeling
grateful, you reach out tosomebody or you write it in your
(21:38):
journal or you do somethinglike create that positive
vibration you were talking aboutearlier.
Nikki (21:45):
Yes, and something I want to say that you mentioned
earlier about being grateful,even when maybe things are
difficult or it might be hard tobe grateful, and something that
I've done which has beenhelpful.
Let's just say somebody wantsto feel freedom.
It could be freedom in the areaof money, it could be freedom
(22:08):
in a relationship, but maybethey don't feel free in the
relationship that they're in andthey have to improve it and
work on it.
One thing you could do is youcan think of another context
where you have felt freedom.
You know when was there a timein my life where I felt freedom
and for me I thought of being onthe swings.
(22:30):
Remember that feeling when youwere on a swing and you were
swinging real high.
Maybe you got a little ticklein your stomach, right, because
you were like swinging so highand the breeze in your hair and
it's like, ah, that just feelingof freedom, and you can use
that to get to the feeling place, because maybe you can't feel
the freedom in your relationshipor in the area of money yet.
(22:51):
So you can use a substitute toget to that feeling, because
that's really what it's about.
Like you said, our emotions aremagnetic.
Jami (22:59):
Yes, and again we act on them right.
So we have a thought, and thethought you think a lot becomes
a belief, and then the beliefturns into an attitude and the
attitude becomes a behavior.
Nikki (23:11):
Yes, yeah, and we end up seeing like a belief is also a
filter.
So we end up looking throughthe lens of that belief and we
find evidence to prove that it'strue and it just reinforces the
belief.
Jami (23:25):
Right, we have confirmation bias.
Oh yes, and we can use it forgood.
You know exactly, we canconfirm.
You know, if you believe thebest, then you're going to look
for the best.
If you believe the worst,that's all you're going to find.
And if you turn on the news,that's all you're going to find.
Nikki (23:43):
Oh yeah, you know people who turn on the news and watch a
particular channel, for example.
That's how grandmother actuallyshe's 99 years old.
I was talking with her theother night and she was bringing
up all of this stuff on thenews and everything and she's
(24:03):
like it's you know, sayingbasically it's not safe out
there.
And I said well, in my worldit's safe.
I show up, I work from home, Iattend a lot of networking
meetings and have lots ofconnection calls with people and
everybody is focused on how canthey grow and improve.
So in my world things are great.
It's like where do you put yourfocus and what do you allow to
(24:26):
to come into your awareness?
So I'm very selective andparticular, unapologetically,
with what I allow to consume mymind.
So news is a is a no no for me.
Jami (24:40):
Yeah, and that doesn't mean you live in a bubble and
you have no idea what theworld's going on around you.
But turning on CNN or Fox orNBC or whatever channel you
watch, that's going to and Ihear people talk.
"Oh, I turned the news off andthen the people who watch the
news think the world's going tohell in a handbasket.
But I recently completed Reikimaster training and William Rand
(25:03):
, who trained us, said theworld's actually getting better
and it's hard for us to see thatbecause what sells in the news
is fear, and so if you have afear mindset or a negative
mindset, you're not thinking.
What are you grateful for?
You know you're not thinkingabout.
You know the light you can seein other people.
(25:27):
It exists, but it's a matter ofdo you want to look for it?
Do you want to see it?
Nikki (25:32):
Great point.
Yeah, it's like it's what areyou looking for?
I've been even something likemy keys.
I have walked around my houselooking for them, like now I'm
going to be late, where arethese keys?
And it turned out I was holdingthem in my hand I'm not even
kidding you, this has happened.
Or my sunglasses, like whereare my?
(25:53):
sunglasses, and then I'll talkto my dad.
So you know, just because wecan't see something yet doesn't
mean that it's not right therein front of us yeah, I thought
you were going to say somethingelse, but you're getting senile.
Jami (26:06):
I don't know, Nikki, I suppose you.
No, I've actually had to havemy son call my phone, or I
actually I have a go-to saint.
I pray to Saint Anthony all thetime.
Saint Anthony, please help me,and I always get the help I need
.
So, for all of you out there whoare Catholic or some version of
(26:30):
of Christianity that believesin saints, St St Anthony is the
go-to saint for finding things.
Yeah, just a little nugget.
Now before we close.
I had mentioned that in in theintro that you have something
called the CALM method.
If you could just tell us alittle bit about that, what that
is, that'd be great.
Nikki (26:51):
Sure.
Thank you, yes, the CALM methodwas a inspired idea that came
to me to help people go from thechaos in their minds, all the
thoughts that we have, thethousands of them per day.
And how can we calm down thatnervous system and relax so that
we have clarity and we can makea decision and then take action
(27:15):
to move forward.
So it's an acronym and eachletter stands for a step and
just a real high level overview.
The C in calm is to becomeconscious, conscious of how
you're feeling.
Are you feeling worried?
Resistance.
The A is to become aware of thethoughts you're thinking,
because usually those thoughtsare what's triggering the
(27:37):
emotion.
So become aware of the thoughtsand then to be like a lawyer
and put them on trial.
Is what I'm thinking?
Are these facts?
Jami Host (27:45):
Oh, I love that.
Nikki guest (27:45):
Are they beliefs, attitudes, interpretations, a
story that I'm telling myself,and 95, at least 95% of the time
it's not a fact.
There's some holes in the story.
So then we can move into thethird step, the L, which is lean
(28:06):
into what else is possible,what's another option, and
that's where you can reframethose negative or unhelpful
thoughts into either neutral orpositive thoughts that are more
focused on what you want.
And then M is make a newdecision.
So, now that you've changedyour focus and you've calmed
down the nervous system, what'sgoing to be the decision?
(28:28):
And then take action on it tomove forward toward that goal.
Jami (28:34):
Oh, that's great, that's perfect.
And again, when we practice amethod like that, when we become
conscious and aware and makethose different decisions and
pivot again, what I find is, ifI'm grateful for the learning
opportunity and I grow from it,even if it's just a little bit,
(28:55):
then I'm in a better place thanI was, and that's something.
And I wanted to just closebecause we're almost out of time
.
But one of the things I used todo and I use my written journal
now but I used to keep thegratitude list on my phone, on a
notepad, and I would just writeone, two or three things every
(29:18):
day and then I would read it atsome point and go, wow, and
sometimes it was the same thing.
It might be a person, it mightbe my breath, it might be the
sunny day, it might be that Igot a job I didn't know I was
going to get.
It can be anything, and that'sthe thing about gratitude.
I can be grateful that I've gotall 10 fingers and toes you
(29:39):
know it doesn't have to besomething huge, because I'm
grateful that I'm mobile, I'mgrateful I can exercise.
You know, right now I'mgrateful for the trees that are
providing shade in the windowthat normally gets the summer
sun.
Nikki (29:55):
It's those little things that we often take for granted.
I'm grateful for Wi-Fi Becausejust last week I lost my Wi-Fi
for three and a half hours and Icouldn't do anything from my
MacBook.
I'm like "I can't even work, Ican't do anything business
related without Wi-Fi.
For three and a half hours and Icouldn't do anything from my
MacBook.
I'm like I can't even work, Ican't do anything business
related without Wi-Fi, and Ialways have taken that for
granted.
(30:15):
So yeah, I like to say I'mgoing to look around and what
are five things I could seeright around me that I'm
grateful for?
Jami (30:22):
And you could start there, yeah, and that reminds me of
using your senses, and that'sagain, that's how we interrupt
our saboteurs is by gettingright, grounded in our breath,
our sight, our hearing, ourtouch, whatever, and I was
thinking too.
One of the things I do to findjoy is I look at flowers.
I stare at them and I thinkwhat a wonder how this flower
(30:48):
was built.
I have an orchid behind methat's not in bloom right now,
but when orchids are in bloom,they are perhaps, for me, the
most phenomenal flower on theplanet, because they're so
beautiful and intricate and Ijust think, wow, only Mother
Nature could do something likethat.
Nikki (31:06):
Oh yeah, I love that.
Just stare at a flower and takedeep breaths or, you know,
stare at nature.
Jami (31:15):
Whatever you need to stare at that's got natural beauty.
And you know trees and I was atmy Reiki retreat.
I went outside with somebodyand we just stood next to a tree
with our bare feet and I justlooked at the bark and it was
(31:36):
grounding and maybe that soundsreally, I don't know,
nonsensical, but it kept me inthe place of nature and myself
in the world, because I can getlost in my head, like you were
saying.
You know you can get lost uphere, but then you're not really
that present, right?
Nikki (31:58):
Exactly yeah.
So getting grounded, it mightsound nonsensical to some, and
it's also because it's that easywhen we can just stop or pause
and just zoom into a moment anduse our senses.
That's where we find peace.
Jami (32:17):
Yeah, you know, you just reminded me.
I've got a glass of water hereand it's easy to just be
grateful.
Hello, cheers, cheers.
You know I can turn on thewater and I have fresh water.
I have a Brita filter so Ifilter my water, but I can get
in the shower and expect the hotwater to come on.
(32:39):
You know, I can get out of bedand expect my two legs to take
me to the kitchen to get thecoffee that's been made, because
I have a timer on the coffeepot.
And one thing I hear people sayis well, you should, you know,
"except these people don't havethat or those people don't have
that.
And it's true, there are a lotof people who can't turn on the
(33:01):
water and expect it to be clean,and there are people who may
not be able to get out of bedeasily.
But that doesn't mean gratitudeis a zero-sum game.
In other words, we can begrateful and it doesn't take
away from somebody else whetherthey have something or not have
something that you have.
Well said.
(33:23):
And on that note I wanted to give you final words if you
wanted to leave us with anything.
Nikki (33:29):
Thank you.
Well, in keeping with our topicon gratitude and happiness, let
it be easy.
You know, yes, there might bethings going on in your life
that you don't like or you don'tprefer, and so it can be hard
to feel grateful.
And when you slip into themoment, like you mentioned,
(33:49):
putting your feet on the floorand you're like supporting you
to go get that cup of coffee orbeing outside in the breeze,
just find one simple thing thatyou could zoom into and just
breathe into that feeling ofgratitude.
Jami (34:03):
Yeah, and one thing I do is I pray every day, and I
talked to my spirit guides, andthe first thing I do is I pray
every day and I talk to myspirit guides and the first
thing I do is thank them, andjust thank them for being there
and taking care of me andshowing me what I need to do
next, you know what is the nextright action I need to take, and
just thanking them andacknowledging their presence in
(34:26):
my life is also very helpful.
And so, yeah, thank you so much, Nikki, and for all of you.
If you're interested in findingout more about how emotional
intelligence can change yourlife, you can see my information
in the show notes.
And if you want to find outmore about the CALM method and
Nikki Gangemi, her stuff will bein the show notes as well, as
(34:49):
well as the link to her book.
And until next time I'll seeyou at the PQ Gym, but before we
leave, I just want to leave youwith something thankful.
[Song "for giving me the bestday of my life.
So thank you.
(35:14):
That was from Dido, I guess I'lljust put a link to this on in
the show notes.
You can listen to the wholething.
It's quite beautiful.
And again until next time.
We'll see you at the PQ Gym.
Bye, bye-bye.
Hello and welcome to the podcast Emotional Intelligence,
Your Greatest Asset and Key toSuccess.
I'm your host, Dr.
Jami Carlacio, coming to youfrom the Greater New Haven,
Connecticut area.
A s a positive intelligence, orPQ, coach.
I'm committed to helping peopledevelop both emotional
intelligence and mental fitness.
(00:27):
That is, you'll come to regardproblems as situations that help
you learn and grow.
PQ is a way of being and doingin the world that enables you to
develop and sustain a positiverelationship with yourself and
others, at home, at work andeverywhere in between.
Please subscribe to thispodcast and tap the like button
(00:48):
so more people can enjoy thebenefits of PQ.
And now here's the show.
I'm excited today I'm going tobe here with my friend, Nikki
Gangemi, and we are going totalk about gratitude.
So before I go any further, letme introduce Nikki to you.
For those of you who don't knowher, she's fabulous.
(01:09):
Nikki is .
.
.
s he's made three significantpivots in her life, from actress
to teacher to entrepreneur.
This firsthand experienceequips her with a unique
perspective on navigating majorlife transitions.
And if you haven't had one,just wait-- you will.
As an international boardcertified master
(01:31):
neuro-linguistic programmingpractitioner, hypnotherapist,
speaker, trainer, and author,Nikki brings a blend of
expertise, compassion, andempowerment to her coaching
practice.
She helps other entrepreneurs,perfectionists, and people
pleasers build unshakableconfidence and feel empowered to
(01:52):
pursue goals they aspire towithout letting fear and
self-doubt rob them of any moretime.
I think we all need some ofthat, Nikki.
She helps her clients transcendpersonal and professional
boundaries through thetransformative NLP coaching and
her proprietary CALM method,C-A-L-M, and we will definitely
(02:14):
get to talk about that-- whichequips people with the internal
tools necessary to attractprosperity, relationship
transformations, and to elevatetheir life and their business.
So welcome, Nikki.
Good to have you here.
Nikki (02:30):
Thank you, Jami Thanks for the beautiful introduction.
Jami (02:33):
Yes, thank you again for being here.
I'm excited to talk about this,especially because I'm a member
of a 12-step group and weconstantly talk about gratitude,
because we were all passengerson the Titanic and we were some
of the lucky few that survived.
(02:54):
And so we hold each other upand life has its ups and downs,
and certainly a lot of them.
Certainly a lot of them, butwhen we stay sober, that
actually pays great dividends.
But before I go any further, Iwant to just say a few words
(03:18):
about gratitude and therelationship to happiness.
So the Happiness Project didthis study and they asked people
to think of people who had thegreatest impact on them, the
biggest influence, and they weretold to write a letter to the
person and then to pick up thephone and call that person and
read the letter to them.
And so for those who actuallydid pick up the phone and
(03:39):
personally express theirgratitude, the people who wrote
the letter .
.
.
their happiness increased bybetween 4% and 19%.
So, either way, when youexpress gratitude, you actually
become happier.
A d you know, the pandemic hasreally done a number on us and
(03:59):
it has magnified our need forthis whole- being experience,
and I know that you have a lotto say about that, but if
there's ever a time to thinkabout our emotional intelligence
and our emotional awareness,it's now.
So Daniel Goleman is sort ofthe emotional intelligence guru,
and there are a lot ofdifferent ways that we can
(04:22):
measure our emotionalintelligence.
One is self-awareness-- notjust being aware of who you are,
but your emotions, yourstrengths, your weaknesses, your
values, and to recognize theimpact that these things have on
other people.
And then self-regulation.
You know, when we get angry orwhatever, it's easy for us to
(04:44):
have a knee-jerk reaction, butemotional regulation asks us to
pause and really look at that.
And, as Shirzad Shamim says, inPositive Intelligence, it's
like when you have a negativeemotion, like anger, it's like
putting your hand on a hot stove.
Yep, okay, it's hot, it's there.
Now take your hand off, becauseit's just going to burn you.
(05:05):
It's not going to help you.
And then social skills: emotional intelligence and (05:08):
undefined
gratitude help with your socialskills.
If you're in a mindset of "I'mangry and the world's bad and
people are bad, you can'tpossibly be in a good mindset.
And so thinking about thingsyou're thankful for, even when
life can suck, helps.
(05:29):
And self-motivation findingthat intrinsic motivation to
fulfill our goals, and so thecomparisons between practicing
gratitude and strengthening ouremotional intelligence has been
linked to moral cognition,perspective taking and fairness.
So our research in gratitudeshows that building positive
(05:51):
relationships and increasingempathy and practicing gratitude
heightens our awareness of ouremotions, our values, our
strength and our understandingof others.
And so those are some of thethings I wanted to say, just to
kick us off right now.
So, nikki, I'll just leave itto you to take whatever you want
out of that and say something.
Nikki (06:13):
Oh, wow, you said so many golden nuggets in there and I
was .
.
.
I was taking some notes as youwere talking.
I love the metaphor of the hotstove, that if we and I'm sure
we've all done this by accident,even by taking out the cookies
from the oven, and you burn yourfinger and we pull away
immediately; we do it with thephysical burning, and yet we
(06:38):
don't often do it with ouremotions.
We can feel angry or worried orfearful, and instead of pulling
away, we can just keep our handon the hot stove, so to speak,
sometimes for decades.
Right?
So I think it's, you know, thisconversation is great because
(06:58):
it's bringing awareness, whichis the first step to change, to
become aware of these things.
So that's the one thing I wantedto say, and also for me, I've
been interested in practicinggratitude for decades, and
(07:19):
something I became aware offairly recently is that I would
.
.
.
I would stay cerebral and thinkabout the things I was grateful
for, whether it was my life, myfamily, you know, all those
things that most of us aregrateful for, and then I had
this realization that I wasn'tfeeling the emotion in my body.
(07:41):
So I would think it and I wouldsay well, I'm grateful for this
and that, but then I wasmissing the feeling and I
realized how important it is toget into the feeling place of
feeling gratitude andappreciation.
Jami (07:56):
I love that and you are so right.
One of the ways that I do thatis through meditation.
So whether I'm doing agratitude meditation or I'm
writing in my journal, when Ithink about the things I'm
grateful for, if I just spend amoment and contemplate, and
immediately I can feel it in mybody.
(08:17):
And one of the things that I'mcalled to do in some of the
meditations is to think ofsomebody I love, think of
somebody I love a lot and thinkof why I'm grateful for that
person in my life.
What is it about that personthat makes me feel grateful?
And I always put my son first.
But as soon as I'm in thatmindset, I can transfer some of
(08:38):
that love and that good feelingoutward and I can send it as in
metta, as in loving kindness,and I can sort of spread that.
It kind of like you and Italked about the other day.
We talked about energy, and sowhen we're in gratitude and
we're in that kind of positivemindset, that's the energy we're
putting out into the world.
Nikki (09:00):
Yes, I love that.
It is powerful to use agratitude meditation.
And while you were talking, itmade me think about what helps
me sometimes, because we couldsay, you know we're grateful for
our family.
We could pick a specific person.
You said your son you mightthink of.
You know, one of your childrenor your spouse even.
(09:23):
And what has helped me is toget real, like zoom into a
specific moment.
You know, what is it about thisperson that I appreciate?
When I think of this person,what do I see and notice, what
images, maybe some experiencesthat you've had together, so you
could relive those moments.
What do I see, what do I hear?
(09:44):
And then what do I feel?
And that's how you could reallyget that feeling of gratitude
and appreciation in your bodyand start to vibrate at that
energy level and attract more tobe grateful for.
Jami (10:09):
And so, even if sometimes we can even attract that
negativity, if our magnet is inbad shape, you know, if we're
feeling negative, guess what?
Nothing positive comes to anegative magnet.
It's always going to be thatthing like attracts, like.
So it behooves us to findthings.
I was thinking too in terms of,say, positive intelligence.
(10:33):
When we're in a place where oneof our saboteurs gets us
whether it's the people pleaser,the controller, the
hypervigilant .
.
if we can arrest that and startfocusing on the sage pathway,
that neural pathway where we canconsider empathy and we can
explore, okay.
So yeah, I'm really angry rightnow or I'm really sad right now
(10:56):
.
It's not that you can pretendthe feeling isn't there, but
notice it and then be curiousabout it and even, you know, be
grateful that that informationis there for you to look at.
So it's actually information andmaybe that's another way of
(11:17):
practicing gratitude is to thankthe saboteur for that
information.
Or, as as Shirzad Shamin says,you know, it's Jedi training.
So when a saboteur comes andknocks at our door or enters our
living room and takes theremote and turns on the TV, say,
"oka, I have some tools now andI don't have to believe
(11:41):
anything you say and I don'thave to act on anything you say,
say, and I don't have to act onanything you say, and so that's
also something to be thankfulfor, even though sometimes, as
I've said a million times,sometimes it's that something
happens.
That's really tough and I callit an AFGO another effing growth
(12:03):
opportunity.
And as soon as I do that, assoon as I make it into an AFGO
as opposed to poor me look whatjust happened I can get some
distance from it.
And when it's a growthopportunity A I'm growing and B
it's an opportunity.
Nikki (12:20):
I love that.
I wrote that down.
A-F-G-O.
Jami (12:24):
Yes.
And depending on the companyyou're in, you can actually say
the word.
Nikki (12:28):
Yes, yes, you could say .
.
.yeah instead of using it as anacronym.
Yeah, it's true, and that'ssomething that I have learned to
do when I teach clients is whensomething is presented in front
of us and a situation thatmaybe we're not pleased with or
we don't like the result thatwe're getting.
(12:48):
If we can go to the question,what is the opportunity here for
me?
What can I learn from this?
That's going to help me to growand expand and move forward.
And then, once we can get thelesson, usually the situation
changes in a positive way.
Absolutely it does.
(13:08):
And I was also thinking that Ihave joined networking groups
that were very expensive and itdidn't turn out.
So I left, and there were a lotof times when I was just
miserable in the group and Ithink, "oh my gosh, how much
money did I spend doing thisthing?
And then I think, but wait aminute, what did you learn about
yourself during this time?
(13:30):
What did you learn about beingan entrepreneur?
What did you learn that you canthen take and do it differently
next time?
So, even though I've spent alot of money making some rather
expensive mistakes, they weremistakes I needed to learn.
That's right.
Like you said earlier, whensomething's happening, even an
emotion that we don't like howit feels, that it's information,
(13:52):
we're getting some feedback,and I like the metaphor Abraham
Hicks gives of the navigationsystem, that a negative emotion
is simply feedback, that we'vegone off track and we can
recalculate.
Yeah, and actually off trackand we can recalculate.
Jami (14:06):
Yeah.
And actually, speaking ofnavigation, well, it's one of
the sage powers too.
It's asking our older self.
Asking our older self, ouryounger self asking our older
self, what would you tell me todo right now?
If I were 20 years into thefuture, what would I say?
And if we think about that andwe think about the wisdom that
(14:29):
ostensibly we have in 20 years,we usually get a good answer.
turn left or you miss a spot.
(14:50):
Your GPS starts going kind ofhaywire in the car trying to
figure out what you're trying todo and it reroutes you and it
will reroute you.
Maybe it has to go a little bitaround the block or a long way,
but it reroutes you, it getsyou back on the track.
Nikki (15:02):
Yes, and have you noticed , Jami?
Just this awareness just cameinto my mind that that
navigation system is always niceand friendly and patient as
it's rerouting you.
What if we could be like thatvoice of the navigation system
when we realize that we're offtrack and instead of putting
(15:22):
ourselves down and, you know,beating ourselves up, we can
just, recalculating, turn left?
Jami (15:31):
Yes, oh, I love that, I love it.
Your navigation system doesn'tsay "you idiot.
tur.
I just had this big blue line,this big arrow telling you to
turn?
"What were you thinking?
Yeah, so, if we can, if we canalso, I think of .
.
One of the things that helps meis, uh, the, the serenity
(15:54):
prayer, and also the prayer ofsaint francis.
And the prayer of saint francis, as a friend of mine says, is
our job description.
Well, he says it's his, and Ithink of it as mine, to make me
an instrument of your peace.
And where there's hatred, letme sow love, and where there's
injury, let me bring pardon.
And I think of how Having thatloving attitude toward ourselves
(16:16):
helps us to have it towardothers.
And again, when you go to agrocery store and the clerk is
in a bad mood or whatever,instead of thinking "wow, she
should be in a good mood, askyourself, wonder what's going on
with her.
And maybe something happenedand she didn't really want to be
at work that day or something.
(16:36):
You know, I have a friend thatI made at divinity school, who
wasn't friendly to people shedidn't know, but as soon as she
knew you, she was your bestfriend.
And one day I noticed thatsince she didn't know me, she
didn't want to talk to me.
So I said you know what?
I love your nails.
I think those are so beautifulInstant friends.
(16:58):
She just wanted to be seen, andso I was grateful that I found
a way to connect with her.
So part of, I think, gratitudeis also connecting, whether it's
with your body or yourself orwith other people.
Nikki (17:13):
Yeah, absolutely that's .
.
.
I haven't thought about this ina while, but now that you're
speaking of that, something Iused to do is if I was out and
about and I ran into someonethat maybe wasn't friendly or
had an attitude like you said atthe supermarket, I would just
imagine this beam of lightcoming out from my heart and
(17:33):
just sending it to them and justthinking, you know, "I wish
that person peace, becauseusually when someone is upset or
behaving in a certain way likethat, they're usually hurting in
some way and they just don'tknow how to express it.
Jami (17:49):
Yeah, yeah.
And going back to the happinessproject experiment, can you
imagine somebody calling you,Nikki, and reading a letter they
wrote to tell you how gratefulthey are to you, for you, and
what kind of impact you've hadon their life?
Nikki (18:06):
That would be novel, because that really never
happens.
Yeah, yeah, that would likemake somebody's day if they were
to, even if they were toreceive a letter in the mail.
Right, we usually receive billsand flyers and advertisements
in the mail, but can you imaginegetting a letter from someone
that you know handwritten,saying what they appreciate
(18:26):
about you?
It's a handwritten letter.
I know what am I?
Let me ask Google.
Yeah, you don't really leave animprint on them in a positive
way.
Jami (18:41):
Yep, and I am committed to doing that.
Today I'm going to write acouple of letters to people that
I never write to, and eventhough I love them very much and
they love me, we don't talkthat often, so I'm encouraged
now to do that.
So, thank you, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, I get.
I get bills in the mail, I getflyers in the mail for things
(19:05):
like a new roof, and I live inan apartment complex.
It's like I don't need a newroof.
Maybe, maybe the buildingmanager does.
Nikki (19:12):
Right, exactly.
Yeah, that would be somethingto look forward to.
And yeah, that could actuallychange someone's attitude
towards the mail.
I know myself I sometimes Ileave it in the mailbox for days
because it's typically nothingthat I really am excited to
receive, and then I'll see itlike the lid isn't closed all
the way because it's over fulland it's like all right time to
(19:34):
take the mail out.
So that could change someone'sattitude towards the mail and
make them be excited.
It's like, oh, I wonder whatmight arrive today.
Jami (19:42):
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, that's a good point.
I wanted to see if I have justa sec here.
I have some cards that are, ofcourse, so this is something, um
, that I have, uh, from I don'tknow if anyone can see it
because of my background I'lltake a screenshot and put it in
(20:05):
the show notes.
But it says thank you for apositive attitude, being kind
and a good work ethic.
So I got a whole bunch of thesefrom an organization and I hand
them out to people randomly,like at a restaurant or at a
grocery store or a coffee shop,and they they're just .
.
.
their eyes widen and they'relike "thank you.
(20:26):
And the other side of it sayskeep it going.
When you see someone doingsomething good, give them a card
and then to request free cards,visit wwwselfnoworg.
And it's the Santoro Foundation.
So again, I'll put this in thenotes so you can check it out
(20:46):
and it it makes a differencejust having just someone getting
a card like oh my God, wow, shethanked me.
Nikki (20:54):
Yeah, yes, and that would encourage them to do that
behavior again, because theywere acknowledged for it and
they it's kind of it creates apositive anchor.
So it's like oh, I did thisbehavior and I had this really
good feeling.
I want that feeling again.
Let me do this behavior againso it could encourage more
(21:15):
kindness.
Jami (21:16):
Yeah, it's a pay it forward kind of a thing right.
And I think I have somewhere inone of the descriptions that
gratitude is an action word andso it isn't just oh yeah, thank
you.
It is the taking the actionthat when you're feeling
grateful, you reach out tosomebody or you write it in your
(21:38):
journal or you do somethinglike create that positive
vibration you were talking aboutearlier.
Nikki (21:45):
Yes, and something I want to say that you mentioned
earlier about being grateful,even when maybe things are
difficult or it might be hard tobe grateful, and something that
I've done which has beenhelpful.
Let's just say somebody wantsto feel freedom.
It could be freedom in the areaof money, it could be freedom
(22:08):
in a relationship, but maybethey don't feel free in the
relationship that they're in andthey have to improve it and
work on it.
One thing you could do is youcan think of another context
where you have felt freedom.
You know when was there a timein my life where I felt freedom
and for me I thought of being onthe swings.
(22:30):
Remember that feeling when youwere on a swing and you were
swinging real high.
Maybe you got a little ticklein your stomach, right, because
you were like swinging so highand the breeze in your hair and
it's like, ah, that just feelingof freedom, and you can use
that to get to the feeling place, because maybe you can't feel
the freedom in your relationshipor in the area of money yet.
(22:51):
So you can use a substitute toget to that feeling, because
that's really what it's about.
Like you said, our emotions aremagnetic.
Jami (22:59):
Yes, and again we act on them right.
So we have a thought, and thethought you think a lot becomes
a belief, and then the beliefturns into an attitude and the
attitude becomes a behavior.
Nikki (23:11):
Yes, yeah, and we end up seeing like a belief is also a
filter.
So we end up looking throughthe lens of that belief and we
find evidence to prove that it'strue and it just reinforces the
belief.
Jami (23:25):
Right, we have confirmation bias.
Oh yes, and we can use it forgood.
You know exactly, we canconfirm.
You know, if you believe thebest, then you're going to look
for the best.
If you believe the worst,that's all you're going to find.
And if you turn on the news,that's all you're going to find.
Nikki (23:43):
Oh yeah, you know people who turn on the news and watch a
particular channel, for example.
That's how grandmother actuallyshe's 99 years old.
I was talking with her theother night and she was bringing
up all of this stuff on thenews and everything and she's
(24:03):
like it's you know, sayingbasically it's not safe out
there.
And I said well, in my worldit's safe.
I show up, I work from home, Iattend a lot of networking
meetings and have lots ofconnection calls with people and
everybody is focused on how canthey grow and improve.
So in my world things are great.
It's like where do you put yourfocus and what do you allow to
(24:26):
to come into your awareness?
So I'm very selective andparticular, unapologetically,
with what I allow to consume mymind.
So news is a is a no no for me.
Jami (24:40):
Yeah, and that doesn't mean you live in a bubble and
you have no idea what theworld's going on around you.
But turning on CNN or Fox orNBC or whatever channel you
watch, that's going to and Ihear people talk.
"Oh, I turned the news off andthen the people who watch the
news think the world's going tohell in a handbasket.
But I recently completed Reikimaster training and William Rand
(25:03):
, who trained us, said theworld's actually getting better
and it's hard for us to see thatbecause what sells in the news
is fear, and so if you have afear mindset or a negative
mindset, you're not thinking.
What are you grateful for?
You know you're not thinkingabout.
You know the light you can seein other people.
(25:27):
It exists, but it's a matter ofdo you want to look for it?
Do you want to see it?
Nikki (25:32):
Great point.
Yeah, it's like it's what areyou looking for?
I've been even something likemy keys.
I have walked around my houselooking for them, like now I'm
going to be late, where arethese keys?
And it turned out I was holdingthem in my hand I'm not even
kidding you, this has happened.
Or my sunglasses, like whereare my?
(25:53):
sunglasses, and then I'll talkto my dad.
So you know, just because wecan't see something yet doesn't
mean that it's not right therein front of us yeah, I thought
you were going to say somethingelse, but you're getting senile.
Jami (26:06):
I don't know, Nikki, I suppose you.
No, I've actually had to havemy son call my phone, or I
actually I have a go-to saint.
I pray to Saint Anthony all thetime.
Saint Anthony, please help me,and I always get the help I need
.
So, for all of you out there whoare Catholic or some version of
(26:30):
of Christianity that believesin saints, St St Anthony is the
go-to saint for finding things.
Yeah, just a little nugget.
Now before we close.
I had mentioned that in in theintro that you have something
called the CALM method.
If you could just tell us alittle bit about that, what that
is, that'd be great.
Nikki (26:51):
Sure.
Thank you, yes, the CALM methodwas a inspired idea that came
to me to help people go from thechaos in their minds, all the
thoughts that we have, thethousands of them per day.
And how can we calm down thatnervous system and relax so that
we have clarity and we can makea decision and then take action
(27:15):
to move forward.
So it's an acronym and eachletter stands for a step and
just a real high level overview.
The C in calm is to becomeconscious, conscious of how
you're feeling.
Are you feeling worried?
Resistance.
The A is to become aware of thethoughts you're thinking,
because usually those thoughtsare what's triggering the
(27:37):
emotion.
So become aware of the thoughtsand then to be like a lawyer
and put them on trial.
Is what I'm thinking?
Are these facts?
Jami Host (27:45):
Oh, I love that.
Nikki guest (27:45):
Are they beliefs, attitudes, interpretations, a
story that I'm telling myself,and 95, at least 95% of the time
it's not a fact.
There's some holes in the story.
So then we can move into thethird step, the L, which is lean
(28:06):
into what else is possible,what's another option, and
that's where you can reframethose negative or unhelpful
thoughts into either neutral orpositive thoughts that are more
focused on what you want.
And then M is make a newdecision.
So, now that you've changedyour focus and you've calmed
down the nervous system, what'sgoing to be the decision?
(28:28):
And then take action on it tomove forward toward that goal.
Jami (28:34):
Oh, that's great, that's perfect.
And again, when we practice amethod like that, when we become
conscious and aware and makethose different decisions and
pivot again, what I find is, ifI'm grateful for the learning
opportunity and I grow from it,even if it's just a little bit,
(28:55):
then I'm in a better place thanI was, and that's something.
And I wanted to just closebecause we're almost out of time
.
But one of the things I used todo and I use my written journal
now but I used to keep thegratitude list on my phone, on a
notepad, and I would just writeone, two or three things every
(29:18):
day and then I would read it atsome point and go, wow, and
sometimes it was the same thing.
It might be a person, it mightbe my breath, it might be the
sunny day, it might be that Igot a job I didn't know I was
going to get.
It can be anything, and that'sthe thing about gratitude.
I can be grateful that I've gotall 10 fingers and toes you
(29:39):
know it doesn't have to besomething huge, because I'm
grateful that I'm mobile, I'mgrateful I can exercise.
You know, right now I'mgrateful for the trees that are
providing shade in the windowthat normally gets the summer
sun.
Nikki (29:55):
It's those little things that we often take for granted.
I'm grateful for Wi-Fi Becausejust last week I lost my Wi-Fi
for three and a half hours and Icouldn't do anything from my
MacBook.
I'm like "I can't even work, Ican't do anything business
related without Wi-Fi.
For three and a half hours and Icouldn't do anything from my
MacBook.
I'm like I can't even work, Ican't do anything business
related without Wi-Fi, and Ialways have taken that for
granted.
(30:15):
So yeah, I like to say I'mgoing to look around and what
are five things I could seeright around me that I'm
grateful for?
Jami (30:22):
And you could start there, yeah, and that reminds me of
using your senses, and that'sagain, that's how we interrupt
our saboteurs is by gettingright, grounded in our breath,
our sight, our hearing, ourtouch, whatever, and I was
thinking too.
One of the things I do to findjoy is I look at flowers.
I stare at them and I thinkwhat a wonder how this flower
(30:48):
was built.
I have an orchid behind methat's not in bloom right now,
but when orchids are in bloom,they are perhaps, for me, the
most phenomenal flower on theplanet, because they're so
beautiful and intricate and Ijust think, wow, only Mother
Nature could do something likethat.
Nikki (31:06):
Oh yeah, I love that.
Just stare at a flower and takedeep breaths or, you know,
stare at nature.
Jami (31:15):
Whatever you need to stare at that's got natural beauty.
And you know trees and I was atmy Reiki retreat.
I went outside with somebodyand we just stood next to a tree
with our bare feet and I justlooked at the bark and it was
(31:36):
grounding and maybe that soundsreally, I don't know,
nonsensical, but it kept me inthe place of nature and myself
in the world, because I can getlost in my head, like you were
saying.
You know you can get lost uphere, but then you're not really
that present, right?
Nikki (31:58):
Exactly yeah.
So getting grounded, it mightsound nonsensical to some, and
it's also because it's that easywhen we can just stop or pause
and just zoom into a moment anduse our senses.
That's where we find peace.
Jami (32:17):
Yeah, you know, you just reminded me.
I've got a glass of water hereand it's easy to just be
grateful.
Hello, cheers, cheers.
You know I can turn on thewater and I have fresh water.
I have a Brita filter so Ifilter my water, but I can get
in the shower and expect the hotwater to come on.
(32:39):
You know, I can get out of bedand expect my two legs to take
me to the kitchen to get thecoffee that's been made, because
I have a timer on the coffeepot.
And one thing I hear people sayis well, you should, you know,
"except these people don't havethat or those people don't have
that.
And it's true, there are a lotof people who can't turn on the
(33:01):
water and expect it to be clean,and there are people who may
not be able to get out of bedeasily.
But that doesn't mean gratitudeis a zero-sum game.
In other words, we can begrateful and it doesn't take
away from somebody else whetherthey have something or not have
something that you have.
Well said.
(33:23):
And on that note I wanted to give you final words if you
wanted to leave us with anything.
Nikki (33:29):
Thank you.
Well, in keeping with our topicon gratitude and happiness, let
it be easy.
You know, yes, there might bethings going on in your life
that you don't like or you don'tprefer, and so it can be hard
to feel grateful.
And when you slip into themoment, like you mentioned,
(33:49):
putting your feet on the floorand you're like supporting you
to go get that cup of coffee orbeing outside in the breeze,
just find one simple thing thatyou could zoom into and just
breathe into that feeling ofgratitude.
Jami (34:03):
Yeah, and one thing I do is I pray every day, and I
talked to my spirit guides, andthe first thing I do is I pray
every day and I talk to myspirit guides and the first
thing I do is thank them, andjust thank them for being there
and taking care of me andshowing me what I need to do
next, you know what is the nextright action I need to take, and
just thanking them andacknowledging their presence in
(34:26):
my life is also very helpful.
And so, yeah, thank you so much, Nikki, and for all of you.
If you're interested in findingout more about how emotional
intelligence can change yourlife, you can see my information
in the show notes.
And if you want to find outmore about the CALM method and
Nikki Gangemi, her stuff will bein the show notes as well, as
(34:49):
well as the link to her book.
And until next time I'll seeyou at the PQ Gym, but before we
leave, I just want to leave youwith something thankful.
[Song "for giving me the bestday of my life.
So thank you.
(35:14):
That was from Dido, I guess I'lljust put a link to this on in
the show notes.
You can listen to the wholething.
It's quite beautiful.
And again until next time.
We'll see you at the PQ Gym.
Bye, bye-bye.
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