June 23, 2025 • 36 mins
Hi!! I would love to hear from you!
Maria Paholik takes us on a deeply personal journey from people-pleasing to self-liberation in this heartfelt conversation about authenticity and worth. Eight years ago, Maria stood at her bedroom window, feeling completely lost despite outward appearances of success. That vulnerable moment when she asked the universe for help sparked a transformative path toward self-discovery and healing.
Through her work as a Heal Your Life workshop leader, Coach, and mindfulness meditation teacher, Maria now guides women to break free from the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing. She shares refreshingly practical strategies, like her simple yet powerful question: "When do you need the answer by?" This creates vital space between requests and responses, allowing us to check in with our true desires before automatically saying yes.
What makes Maria's approach unique is her recognition that healing isn't linear. Even after years of setting boundaries, she sometimes finds herself momentarily unable to say no. Rather than viewing this as failure, she embraces it as part of the spiral-like journey of growth—we revisit similar challenges throughout life but with increasingly gentle and effective responses each time.
Our conversation explores how many of our stressors come from self-imposed expectations rather than actual demands from others. Through client examples and personal anecdotes, Maria illustrates how small experiments in self-prioritization—like leaving dishes undone to put your feet up instead—can create profound shifts in wellbeing and identity.
Ready to begin your own journey toward self-love and authentic living? Maria offers practical starting points, including her free gift of 21 self-love letters delivered daily to your inbox. Her parting wisdom distills everything into one gentle reminder that might just change your life: be kind to yourself.
💐 Free Gift : 21 days of love letters to yourself
http://info.mariapaholik.com/loveletters
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to another episode of Empowered Ease, the
podcast where we share storiesof remarkable women who are
making an impact in the world ofhealing.
Today, I'm thrilled to announceour guest, maria Paholik.
Maria is a dynamic Heal yourLife workshop leader, coach and
(00:24):
mindfulness meditation teacher.
Her transformative journey froma life of people-pleasing and
self-doubt to one of confidentself-love and freedom is nothing
short of inspiring.
Eight years ago, maria foundherself at a crossroads, feeling
lost and questioning herself-worth.
In a moment of deepvulnerability, she turned to the
(00:45):
universe for guidance, leadingher to the empowering teachings
of Louise Hay and the practiceof mindfulness.
Through her transformation,maria discovered the power of
changing her thoughts to changeher reality.
She embraced self-love andlearned to set boundaries,
creating a life filled with joyand authentic connections.
(01:06):
Today, maria passionately guideswomen away from the cycle of
people-pleasing, helping them todiscover their true worth and
live freely, without the needfor external validation.
In addition to her coaching,maria has also created an
affirmation journal, which isavailable on Amazon.
This tool assists her clientsin carving their unique paths.
(01:27):
Her vision is a world wherekindness prevails, both to
ourselves and to those around us.
She firmly believes thatself-love paves the way to peace
and harmony, encouraging us totake responsibility for our
healing and happiness.
Join us as Maria shares herinsights and experiences,
(01:48):
offering a beacon of hope forthose seeking to transform their
lives.
Let's dwell into her story ofempowerment and dream of a
kinder world.
Welcome, maria.
Tell us a little bit aboutyourself and where you are oh,
(02:10):
thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
so I am originally from hungary and I am in the uk,
so it's 10 o'clock ish at yourplace and, yes, look here in the
afternoon.
And well, I am a Heal your Lifeteacher and I'm a workshop
leader and also a mindfulnessmeditation teacher.
And if you don't know, orsomebody doesn't know, what Heal
(02:32):
your Life is, it's Louise Hay'swork.
And Louise Hay, just in anutshell, she was big on
self-love and mirror work, andshe was also teaching how our
beliefs and our thoughts createour reality.
So this is what I do.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Beautiful, I love that.
So all the way in the UK, doyou work with people all over
then, regardless of where theyare, virtually?
Yes, I work online.
I love that Beautifully.
Okay, so self-love andconfidence and freedom from
people pleasing.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
So what got you into this kind of work?
Well, so yeah, freedom.
So I have always been big onfreedom, ever since I was a
child, you know.
I didn't like hierarchy andstuff, so that was one part of
it.
But I also used to feel superlost and many times I just
wished that I wasn't aroundbecause I was experiencing so
(03:33):
many challenging emotions andalso because I thought that
something was wrong with me.
I became a people pleaser, so Ithought, if I behave in a
certain way, you know, if I, ifI please people around me, if I
do what they, what I think theywant me to do, then I will be
(03:55):
loved.
So, yeah, and, and one day Irealized actually I felt most of
my life up until like seven,eight years ago, I felt lost, as
I mentioned.
But but there was a time when,you know, when I felt really
like completely lost and Ididn't know what to do with my
life.
And on the outside everythingwas fine, but deep inside,
(04:17):
something was missing, but Ijust didn't know what it was.
And I was stood in the, in thebedroom window one night and I
was like universe, send me help.
And this is what whereeverything began, really.
So I started looking intoworkshops and I found the
workshop.
And then I found another oneand I went to an energy healing
and the healer asked me so whatdo you need right now in your
(04:40):
life?
And I said self-love.
And this is where everythingstarted.
So I started looking intoself-love, what it actually
means, and I just startedconnecting back with myself and
this is what actually wasmissing.
I was looking on the outsideand because this work helped me
so, so much and I realized I'mnot the only one who is
(05:00):
struggling with these things,yeah, it sort of became became
my mission to help others tofind their own freedom and to
start loving themselves.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
That's beautiful, that's so beautiful.
I think that that is thestruggle for the majority of
people out there right now, ifnot everyone at some point in
their life is learning how tolove ourselves really, right,
right, it's kind of hard to evenlearn where to start.
Like, what do I need?
Because we're all so programmed, I think, especially as women,
to disconnect from what we needin the moment and be the like,
(05:37):
neutral pleaser, the easy person.
So I feel like that's kind of Idon't know, you didn't grow up
in the same place.
I did, obviously, and have avery.
You've been in two differentcountries, but I feel like,
definitely, here and in a lot ofcultures, you know, women are
taught to be seen, not heard, tobe like really to manage the
emotions of others, to makethings better, to make things
(06:00):
easy, to make things inviting,and in doing that, we deny what,
whatever is going on for us inthe moment.
So that can keep us verydisconnected from what our
feelings are and from care andfrom caring for ourselves.
So I think this is suchimportant work.
So I know you, you focus mainlyon people pleasing, which I
(06:26):
think is a huge.
It's just one layer in all ofthis, right, because it all
that's just one symptom of thelack of self-love.
So when you're working withpeople with self-love, where do
you start?
How do you start to to getpeople to turn inwards and pay
attention to themselves?
Because Because a lot of us arewe're putting everybody else's
needs first.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Well, you know, it really depends, because
everyone's journey is completelydifferent.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
So some people, just like myself, I didn't even know
what I was missing, right, so Ididn't even know where to start.
I just knew I had to startsomewhere.
So what I was doing, I wentactually once I made sort of the
decision that I'm, I'm justgonna do something.
Things started popping up onFacebook some local events, and
this is where I started, and andand they just kept popping up.
(07:15):
So I also believe, once, oncewe sort of make a decision,
things just start.
They just start coming to usand we can, we can choose things
.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Yeah.
So like, once people havepeople need to decide they want
to make that change, thenthey'll start opportunities for
you.
You said started to appear andyou think that'll have.
I agree with that totally.
Like, if you've heard of, likea confirmation bias, right, when
your brain decides something,then it looks for confirmation
that that's true.
So if you tell yourself I amgoing to work on self-love, I'm
(07:48):
going to heal the relationship Ihave with myself, I'm going to
work on taking this negativetalk of people-pleasing and I'm
going to work on putting myselffirst, then we start seeing
opportunities or workshops.
Things start like that we mayjust gloss over before we notice
them now and we gives us thatopportunity to take advantage.
So I think that's really goodadvice.
(08:09):
What do you see like anypatterns in the people that
you're working with?
Like, is there a certain kindof woman that is drawn to you
that you think really benefitsfrom this?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
So there is yeah, there are patterns, and I think
one of the more like sort of thebiggest ones are guilt um um,
and what you also mentioned,like oh, you know, I have to put
everybody else before mebecause it's selfish if I look
(08:42):
after myself and sometimes, yeah, so sometimes it's easier to
break that barrier, Sometimesit's a little bit, a little bit
more difficult.
So what I?
What I always suggest people orwomen to do, and if they really
want to make a change, is startstart with with a very small
(09:05):
step.
So just recently or a couple ofmonths ago, I had a chat with
somebody and I asked her what,what is it that she really
wanted for herself?
And she said I think she saidthat she wants to be more
peaceful, let's you lessstressful.
So I'm like, okay, so what'sworrying you?
And so on and so on.
And she sort of picked a reallybig thing about worrying about
(09:25):
her child.
So I said that is probably toobig of a step for you to just
let go of that worry Too broad,yeah.
But then I said so maybe youcan.
So she's like okay, but I can'trelax until everything's done
in the house.
You know she needs to do thedishes and she needs to look
after the household, she needsto do the chores whatsoever.
(09:47):
So I just suggested to her thatmaybe just leave the dishes and
put your feet up, you know, atthe end of the day, and
experiment, see what happens.
And a few months after Iactually asked her like how's,
how's everything going?
And she said she startedlooking into meditations.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
She started, uh, doing some sort of exercises and
everything, and then you knowshe's feeling a lot better what
I love, that like I feel, likewith um, with my clients, like
we, I do something similar whereyou know, when we first start
setting goals, we make sure toset goals that were positive.
We can win, you know, like it'snot, you cannot set a goal that
(10:25):
you're going to lose in thebeginning because we're
overwhelmed, we're tired, we're,you know, whatever you know,
life is life and we're justlearning these skills.
So I want to, I encouragepeople to set goals that they
know they'll win, becausecelebrating yourself,
celebrating those wins, is ahuge piece of it.
Right, that's self-confidence,but also seeing that you can do
it, seeing like maybe thatwasn't, maybe it wasn't, it
(10:47):
gives.
I think it gives you.
I don't know what the word I'mlooking for is, but like
motivation, encouragement, likeyou know, to to try something
new, to try something different.
Maybe that did make a bigdifference, maybe it didn't, but
the fact that you were able tostick to one goal about yourself
, you know that's reaffirmingthat relationship.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
So and also what, what?
So what if I also had to askher?
Well, well, I didn't have toask her, but I asked her like,
okay, so what would your husbandsay?
You know which?
Would he be worried if she'sgoing down?
Well, I don't think he wouldcare that much, okay, so you
know?
Sort of like is it really anexpectation from somebody else,
or are we putting this stress?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Oh, good point.
Yeah, the, the unneededexpectations that we put on
ourselves.
That, like you know, it's funny.
Me and my best friend werehaving this conversation the
other day and not in any waytrying to put our mothers down,
but we were talking about smalllittle things that are ingrained
in us from our parents, like,and it was about cleaning the
house, because this is, I feel,like a lot of women feel,
ownership.
I work full time.
(11:50):
My mom did not, but if we like,I and she's a girl's girl now,
but I back in the day I don'tthink she was as much, but I
remember some of the judgmentshe as she was a full-time mom
that she would make againstother women who didn't keep
their house clean, or just theway it was talked about back
then and I can't say necessarilyit was her talking about other
women or the way she talkedabout herself, about when people
were coming over.
But if people are coming to myhome or my husband has someone
(12:13):
over when I'm at work and hedidn't clean up and there's
dishes in the sink, like this ishow the conversation started.
I was like you had people overin the sink was full of dishes.
Why did you not do those.
You know, I'm like how I'm soembarrassed and so I'm talking
to my best friend about this andshe's telling me about, like,
how her mom did the same thing,her thing.
But she's like do you thinkabout your husband, think about
his friend?
(12:33):
Do you think they even went inyour kitchen?
Do you think they even went inyour kitchen?
Like, to be honest, theyprobably never left the TV.
He's like, do you think theyeven saw that?
They didn't see any of that.
Men, don't see that.
I'm like you're so right.
I was so like upset with myhusband stressed out, causing
(12:53):
myself all this stupid worry atwork.
And when I got home and then Igot home on a day, I was
normally tired and I cleanedeverything after his friend was
here, which wouldn't even made adifference she's like what are
you doing?
Like I don't know, but it isweird.
We put these expectations onourself and I had never taken
the time to look at where itcame from before, and the minute
I did, I let it go because Iwas like that's stupid.
(13:16):
You're right, they didn'tnotice.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's so interesting you'resaying this because when I moved
in with my ex-boyfriendstraight away, I started doing
all the chores and everythingand only so, so many years later
, I'm like what the hell was Idoing?
Right, like why, why did?
Speaker 1 (13:32):
why did I jump onto this chore straight away and
then right, like I'll do thisfor you, let me take care of
this.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Why was he doing that for you, no, yeah, and, but
perhaps he didn't even expect meat the beginning, right, but
then it all.
But then, because we're allhuman beings, right?
Speaker 1 (13:48):
so if somebody starts doing things for us, we just
take it for them yeah, we thatyou created that expectation and
that's not his fault if you, if, like you don't have time to
get to it, stressing you out.
He never asked you to do that.
And I find the same thing in myrelationship too.
My husband's like I would befine without this.
I never asked you to do that.
I'm like, but I need to feelcomfortable.
And he's like well, that's whatneeds addressed, right?
Speaker 2 (14:11):
like yeah, like what do you?
What do you mean?
I'm doing this for you.
But even though you never asked, but I'm like for you and you
know, then I get, then I gotoffended like how, why, why are
you not, uh, you know,appreciating me or something
I've done?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
yeah, so we're really kind of doing it a little bit
for ourselves, right.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I think so.
Yes, well, that's that's.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
That's my personal experience yeah, no, I think
you're right too, sorry, go on.
No, I just said I agree withyou.
I think you're right.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Yeah, because sometimes so, about people
pleasing yes.
So sometimes I think ourenvironment has certain
expectations, but sometimes wehave the self-imposed
expectations, what we think,that this person well, well, I
think this person wants me to belike this or behave in a
certain way, and it may not evenbe true.
(15:03):
Sometimes it's true, sometimesit isn't.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
This is yeah yeah, some of the times it comes from,
like our subconsciousprogramming things that we
didn't even choose, but just howwe saw things done when we were
at a small age.
We just expect that's the wayeveryone sees the world or the
roles everyone thinks people aretaking.
That's just not true.
Yeah, yeah, I love thatperspective because I think we
all need another person to seeit right Like it's not.
(15:27):
Those aren't things that weusually identify on our own.
We need a little help, we needan outside perspective to really
question those things aboutourselves.
I think so yes question thosethings about ourselves.
I think so, yes, so, with thispeople pleasing and, um, what
are the dangers if we don'taddress this?
Do you think, like, where doesthis lead people?
Because I feel like a lot ofpeople are in this, a lot of
(15:47):
women and they're, and they aresuffering.
They just maybe aren'tidentifying that this may be one
of their struggles yeah, sowhat are the dangers?
Speaker 2 (15:56):
burnout yeah uh, disconnection from oneself, so
okay.
So my example you know, when I?
I used to think, oh, I'm such,I'm such an easy person, right?
Um, yeah, I, I don't want totake up much space, and but then
where, where am I?
And then I go.
(16:17):
And also, when you start doingthings for other people, you can
become really resentful andalso there are.
No, the relationships are notnecessarily genuine either.
It can be transactional.
You know, I'm doing something.
It's not the same for everysingle person.
(16:39):
Sometimes it's for approval,sometimes it's because I am
afraid to say no.
Sometimes I don't even knowwhat I need yeah, so that's
really the individualization ofit.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
You really have to figure out where your hold-ups
are.
So what do you what once youhealed from all this?
What are the some?
What are some of the um thingsyou noticed about from all this?
What are the?
What are some of the things younoticed about, like the really?
Or for your clients too, whatare some of the things, once you
see people addressing theseissues that they start to notice
about their lives, that changesin a good way.
(17:10):
What are some of the positiveeffects of starting to put
yourself first, starting to loveyourself and and freeing
yourself from some of thesepeople-pleasing activities?
What are some of the things youthink your clients and yourself
have experienced?
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Well, first of all, it's like you know, you start
taking a moment, or even moremoments for yourself and really
asking like, okay, so what do Ineed right now?
Who am I actually like?
What are my likes or dislikes,what are my preferences, right?
So it's just what I thinkpeople are pleasing, and that
(17:49):
was again my experience.
Um, but there are other peopleas well.
You know, oh, can you do thisfor me, somebody, can you do
this for me?
Somebody comes, can you do thisfor me, or whatever, straight
away, yes, yes, of course, notnot even thinking about it, it's
just a reaction straight away.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yeah, women have a really hard time saying no,
right, even if the answer is not.
And even when we do say no, we,if we have, if we are able to
say no, we have so many excuses.
You know, like we have to sayso much to to defend our no,
even though no is like a fullsentence.
So I love that you're sayingthat, because I feel like a lot
of us we overwhelm ourselves orwe'll say yes from like the
(18:28):
place of ourselves that has allthe energy, like that we say yes
from our best version ofourselves and we don't realize,
like we're not all the way.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
We get the best version of ourselves like you
know, a quarter of the timewe're here so we can't make
decisions from that energy placeyeah, yeah, definitely, and
also so what I would recommendpeople do is, instead of saying
that, yeah, straight away, it'sjust take a moment, and what I
(18:59):
started doing myself and this iswhat I recommend people do, but
they can find everybody canfind their own little tools.
You know, they can startpracticing with something and
then whatever comes to them andthey find it better than they
can do.
That, of course.
But it's like you know, Istarted asking like okay, so
when do you need the answer by?
And they say I started askinglike okay, so when do you need
(19:21):
the answer by?
And they say, I don't know, intwo days.
I'm like, okay, I will comeback to you in two days.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
That's good.
Give yourself a little space tothink about it, to check in to
see if it's something you reallywant to do.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Yes, because I think so A lot of people.
When there are other peoplearound around, we pick up on
their energy and their stuff.
So, especially for me, I needto be away from everyone else
and to really check in withmyself.
Okay, so what is it that Iactually want?
And I think that's very, that'svery similar to a lot of people
(19:53):
as well, so they really have tobe on their own to actually
understand themselves and knowwhat they want and yeah, and
it's much easier than saying no,isn't it?
Speaker 1 (20:02):
like you know, it's not having to say no the first
time.
It's giving yourself like alittle buffer, like, well, how
much time do you need, or can Iget back to you?
When do I need to get back toyou by?
I love that.
So it's almost like a practiceis getting to know yes, yes, so
it's, and exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
It's not like you have to say no straight away and
again some, some people areokay to say no straight and and
no as a full sentence.
That's hard though it is to mestill, because I don't want the
other person to feel rejected orfeel or take it personal.
So, yeah, I make it a longersentence.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
An easier one to digest, yes, but again my
brother, he has boundaries andhe's like no, I'm like how rude.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Right, right, well, okay, I know men are a lot
easier, or well, the majority ofmen, I feel like that's a
little easier, for it's moresocially acceptable for men to
just say no than it is, or atleast we feel that way.
Whether it is or not, I feellike that, so I love that.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
But yeah, it's good.
I think it's a good point thatyou said that.
Well, that is it true or is itnot?
I don't know, but it seems likeit.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
It sure does.
Yeah, yeah, it really does.
But I, you know we're.
I think that you know ourbrains just work differently
Sometimes that might be one ofthe advantages of the male brain
, so I, so I don't want toforget to mention this, but I
know you.
You gave a free gift for ourlisteners.
Do you want to explain a littlebit about what?
And it will be in the shownotes.
(21:39):
So just if you just click onthe episode anywhere you're
viewing it, it should be in theshow description, the link to
this.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
But oh, thank you.
Yes, I'm super excited aboutthis.
I only sort of released itabout a week ago, and if you
sign up I think it's only yourfirst name and email address you
will be receiving 21 umself-love letters oh, I love
that yes, and it's, um, the way,the way the, the emails arrive,
(22:14):
so when, well, uh, like aself-love letter every single
day for 21 days and the picturewill be your name.
So it's almost like the, the wayI sort of worded it, or put it
that imagine that your mostloving, your most, your kindest
and wisest part of yourself issending these letters to you and
(22:38):
your name will be the signature.
So it's almost like you werereceiving it from yourself, not
from me.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
So a free gift of 21 self-love letters that you'll
get delivered daily via emailaddress to you.
I love that.
That's beautiful.
Okay, so that will be in theshow notes.
So if people are listening tothis and really connecting, like
yeah, this is me, I don't knowLike, and then they're confused
(23:05):
on even where to start, whatadvice would you give them on
where to start with this?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
it's not where you are at really.
So, yes, I had somebody askingthe same, I asked the same
question and I was like, justlook at books, you know, and the
right things will, will come.
So if you, if you don't knowwhat you want to change in your
life, or just start searchingfor something like, or even
(23:34):
search self-love and see whatcomes up, and things will just
unfold.
Or find a coach straight away.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Yeah, so just start.
That's what I'm hearing.
Just start any way that youfeel drawn to.
So just start, because once youstart, you get the ball rolling
.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Definitely so sometimes.
Sometimes when I have a chatwith somebody, I would, I would
recommend the book, but but thenI say if it doesn't resonate
with you, it doesn't matter,just find something else.
Right started.
So the the sort of theintention is already there and
the action has been taken andthe rest will come.
Slowly, it's always unfolding.
(24:13):
It's not like I have arrivedand I have nothing else to do,
right life is a process.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
We're always getting there.
I've heard it described as aspiral.
I love it.
I think it's like this risingwoman or wild woman sister, I
don't know if you've heard it,but it's like um, and it's
really hard to put it on paperbecause when you see the spiral
it looks flat, but really, ifyou see it, it's like
three-dimensional in and what itrepresents is that like we're
always addressing the sameissues.
We're always coming back tothem.
(24:39):
It's just that they're a littledifferent, a little lighter
each time we touch back on them.
But we never really truly getrid of things.
We just see them differently.
We develop our relationshipwith our, with our stuff, a
little differently, with our,our baggage, with our
subconscious programming orchildhood or whatever it is.
However you see it, we alwaysrevisit it, but just in like a
(25:02):
different way.
Each time we discover somethingnew about it and I've started
to experience that for myself,like so much.
That's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Yes, and that's my experience as well, and you know
, that's why, for example, whenit's being said, being said oh,
how to set boundaries withoutguilt or without, uh, without
without whatever emotion we aretalking about, and I don't like
saying that personally, becausemy experience that guilt can
arise anytime.
It doesn't matter how long Ihave been doing this, how long I
(25:30):
have been setting thoseboundaries, it can still arise.
And actually I had anexperience not so long ago where
I just no, couldn't leave mymouth.
I was frozen there and I wentback into like my head like 20
years ago, like when I couldn'tsay no, and I was like, oh, my
(25:52):
god, what, what's happened here?
Right, and then I walked awayand I'm like, okay, I need to
come back to this person andactually explain what happened
and say the no.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Then yeah, well, I agree with you.
Like you know, every day isdifferent and now, like I'm in
my forties, and hormone dips andhormones cycles, as I enter
this like reprogramming of myhormone system, of like this
perimenopause stage, days aredifferent, how I feel,
completely different, dependingon where I'm at in that cycle
(26:24):
and you know things likedepression and stuff sneaks up
which I don't surprise.
So I do feel differently ondifferent days, intensely, and I
think that's common for womenin this age group.
So just to know that, it'sreassuring to know, I think and
also a little daunting if youhaven't started addressing these
issues that they never truly goaway.
(26:44):
We just get a little different,our relationship with them
changes, it softens a little bitand it gets easier and we know
ourselves a little better.
But you know there's so muchpower in that and we know
ourselves a little better.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
But you know, there's so much power in that, yeah,
yeah, definitely.
And also once you so what youwere saying, our relationship or
our relation to these thingsare changing and they soften and
maybe we don't even takeourselves that seriously and
stuff.
But also when you develop yourtools, to me, this is where the
power is really, because it'sit's not like that maybe, maybe
(27:22):
an emotion will never arise.
We don't know right, we justdon't know, yeah, when it will
arise, then, oh, okay, I see you, you know it's okay for this
emotion to be here and what do Ido with it?
Yeah, so it's, it's not like II need to get rid of it or
something's wrong with me forfeeling this way.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
it's just how I, how I nurture myself and I can in
the in um in this process yeah,and we can't really nurture
ourselves if we don't knowourselves.
I mean, we can, but we can't.
You know, our nurturing gets somuch more effective when we
develop the relationship withourselves and learn, maybe, what
(28:03):
triggers what things requiredifferent things from us.
I definitely am more into thishealing journey I've gotten for
myself.
I've realized like, dependingon what the stressor is,
depending on what is triggeringme, it requires a different
response.
Sometimes things that I do formyself are more effective in
different circumstances and thatsounds confusing, but I think
(28:25):
that as we develop therelationships with ourselves, it
becomes so much more powerfulthe healing that we can do.
I don't know if that makessense.
It might be a little confusing,but hopefully you're catching
on to what I'm saying here.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I think, yeah, I think I get it, but you can
correct me if I didn't.
But, for example, for me somedays, okay, I just need to do, I
just need to go to the mirrorand talk to myself kindly, but
that.
But some days it's not themiddle world that I do, I just
sit down and, I don't know, havea cup of tea in in silence.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
So, whatever I feel I need that moment yeah, and
really it's the checking in withyourself that kind of tells you
that and that's you know.
There are times where I do amuch better job checking in with
myself throughout the day thanothers.
But when I find myself, when Iam checking in with myself, what
I'm asking myself?
When I'm like, okay, just wheream I at right now?
(29:20):
I'm asking myself usually, whatdo I need right now?
Is there something I need rightnow?
Because if I can calm down,slow down enough, I usually tell
exactly what it is.
You know what I mean?
There's something screaming.
I just have to slow down andpay attention and check in to
see what it is, and sometimesit's nothing.
That's what I needed.
I needed to slow down, justbreathe for a second and be like
(29:41):
, yep, doing the right thing,doing everything I can right now
, nothing else I can do, andthen I can let go of whatever
stress is going on, because Iknow.
I've done everything I need tobe doing, so.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
I love that, actually , when you know that, oh, this
is the only thing I needed rightnow, and that's it.
It's only complicated.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Yeah, sometimes that is it right, like I'm doing the
right things we like.
We need to affirm ourselvesright.
I'm doing everything I can do.
There's nothing else to be done.
I love that, so on.
We kind of touched about this,but this is a perfect time to
ask you this question, because Iask everybody that comes on
like what is your go-to um,self-nurture or self-care, that,
(30:19):
when things get rough, that youfind yourself doing to get
yourself back on track or getyourself feeling like you again?
Speaker 2 (30:29):
so like do you mean?
Like um, like a physical?
Speaker 1 (30:34):
physical.
It can be anything.
Honestly, everyone has saidsomething a little different, so
whatever makes you feel likeyou, that is your go-to thing
when things are hard.
So it can be anything really.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
So I love going for walks and sometimes, when things
are really difficult, I justfeel called to touch a tree or
something and I feel that helps.
It's almost like like yeah, thetree is nurturing, or sometimes
it's almost like giving amessage and yeah, this is what I
needed and it depends sometimes.
(31:09):
Sometimes I can stillexperience loops.
you know that I'm just going incircles and I'm stressing my but
it's like the, the reminding ofmyself that you know, whatever
happens, I, I'm still worthy, um, I still love myself, and sort
(31:31):
of using affirmations as well,sometimes journaling oh yeah,
journaling's a great one yeah,and just write and and writing
and also it's like okay, um,really recognizing what is
actually going on, what's theemotion, and go underneath it,
like okay, what's underneath,what's what's really going on,
(31:52):
and start working with that yeah, trying to trying to drive.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
Yeah, totally, because I feel like sometimes
what we're feeling in the momentand we know it.
Sometimes we know that this isnot really what I'm upset about,
it's something else that I'vebeen holding on to all day.
Or sometimes we don't know itand that little pause helps us
know, like I'm not mad at thisperson right now.
The situation normally wouldnot frustrate me this much.
What is happening right now?
And that little check-in is theanswer.
I love that.
That's beautiful advice.
(32:16):
So if people are hearing thisand they're like this is me, I
need, I need more of this in mylife and they want to learn more
about you.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Where can, where can our, my listeners go to find
more information?
Speaker 1 (32:42):
So they can check me out on Facebook.
I share a lot of like.
I have a lot of posts, you know, and sharing my own story as
well, and they, if they wouldlike to get in touch with me,
they can.
Just what's the word?
Friend me.
Yeah, do you know?
Your handle off the top of yourhead what your Facebook is,
because some people don't wantto click on the show notes.
They'll just remember.
Or you can say your website,what's your website?
Speaker 2 (32:50):
my full name, so maria paholikcom.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
Okay, I'm going to spell your last name, so people
know Maria P-A-H-O-L-I-K.
Right?
Yes, how do you pronounce itagain?
Poholik, poholik.
I hope I didn't butcher it inthe intro.
I tried really hard.
I even looked it up on GoogleSpeaks, like how do you
pronounce this last name?
Oh, thank you, I'm used to itanyway, yeah, my last name.
(33:20):
Well, now, my last name now isOlinger, which is my husband's
last name, but the one beforethat, my maiden last name, is
Heidenfelder, which is justreally long.
So people mispronounce itbecause I think they just get
overwhelmed.
So I totally understand that.
Well, it's been such a pleasuretalking to you, maria.
I think this is a reallyrelevant issue for so many women
(33:40):
, so many women right now, andit's just part of our culture
and a lot of cultures out theretoday.
This patriarchal setup we havereally ingrains from a small age
, for women especially.
But for us to disconnect fromour emotions and ourselves and
so many of us as we get older,this work to reconnect is so
important and a huge part of thestruggle, so it's so powerful.
(34:04):
Are there any words that youwould like to leave us with
today or any thoughts?
Speaker 2 (34:10):
So if I could leave the whole world with one message
, then it's just be kind toyourself.
That's the only thing I could.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Yeah, I love that.
We didn't really talk on thatthis much, but in reading your
website, yeah, I know kindnessto yourself and to others.
It's a big, it's very prevalenton your site and I love that so
much, so I'm a huge proponentfor that as well.
Um, so thank you so much forthe work you do and for, like,
just sharing your beautifullight and, um, and if you ever
(34:40):
come out with anything new ordoing a new program, we'd love
to have you back on to hearabout it.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
So thank you.
Thank you so so much for havingme.
Yes, bye.
Welcome to another episode of Empowered Ease, the
podcast where we share storiesof remarkable women who are
making an impact in the world ofhealing.
Today, I'm thrilled to announceour guest, maria Paholik.
Maria is a dynamic Heal yourLife workshop leader, coach and
(00:24):
mindfulness meditation teacher.
Her transformative journey froma life of people-pleasing and
self-doubt to one of confidentself-love and freedom is nothing
short of inspiring.
Eight years ago, maria foundherself at a crossroads, feeling
lost and questioning herself-worth.
In a moment of deepvulnerability, she turned to the
(00:45):
universe for guidance, leadingher to the empowering teachings
of Louise Hay and the practiceof mindfulness.
Through her transformation,maria discovered the power of
changing her thoughts to changeher reality.
She embraced self-love andlearned to set boundaries,
creating a life filled with joyand authentic connections.
(01:06):
Today, maria passionately guideswomen away from the cycle of
people-pleasing, helping them todiscover their true worth and
live freely, without the needfor external validation.
In addition to her coaching,maria has also created an
affirmation journal, which isavailable on Amazon.
This tool assists her clientsin carving their unique paths.
(01:27):
Her vision is a world wherekindness prevails, both to
ourselves and to those around us.
She firmly believes thatself-love paves the way to peace
and harmony, encouraging us totake responsibility for our
healing and happiness.
Join us as Maria shares herinsights and experiences,
(01:48):
offering a beacon of hope forthose seeking to transform their
lives.
Let's dwell into her story ofempowerment and dream of a
kinder world.
Welcome, maria.
Tell us a little bit aboutyourself and where you are oh,
(02:10):
thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
so I am originally from hungary and I am in the uk,
so it's 10 o'clock ish at yourplace and, yes, look here in the
afternoon.
And well, I am a Heal your Lifeteacher and I'm a workshop
leader and also a mindfulnessmeditation teacher.
And if you don't know, orsomebody doesn't know, what Heal
(02:32):
your Life is, it's Louise Hay'swork.
And Louise Hay, just in anutshell, she was big on
self-love and mirror work, andshe was also teaching how our
beliefs and our thoughts createour reality.
So this is what I do.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Beautiful, I love that.
So all the way in the UK, doyou work with people all over
then, regardless of where theyare, virtually?
Yes, I work online.
I love that Beautifully.
Okay, so self-love andconfidence and freedom from
people pleasing.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
So what got you into this kind of work?
Well, so yeah, freedom.
So I have always been big onfreedom, ever since I was a
child, you know.
I didn't like hierarchy andstuff, so that was one part of
it.
But I also used to feel superlost and many times I just
wished that I wasn't aroundbecause I was experiencing so
(03:33):
many challenging emotions andalso because I thought that
something was wrong with me.
I became a people pleaser, so Ithought, if I behave in a
certain way, you know, if I, ifI please people around me, if I
do what they, what I think theywant me to do, then I will be
(03:55):
loved.
So, yeah, and, and one day Irealized actually I felt most of
my life up until like seven,eight years ago, I felt lost, as
I mentioned.
But but there was a time when,you know, when I felt really
like completely lost and Ididn't know what to do with my
life.
And on the outside everythingwas fine, but deep inside,
(04:17):
something was missing, but Ijust didn't know what it was.
And I was stood in the, in thebedroom window one night and I
was like universe, send me help.
And this is what whereeverything began, really.
So I started looking intoworkshops and I found the
workshop.
And then I found another oneand I went to an energy healing
and the healer asked me so whatdo you need right now in your
(04:40):
life?
And I said self-love.
And this is where everythingstarted.
So I started looking intoself-love, what it actually
means, and I just startedconnecting back with myself and
this is what actually wasmissing.
I was looking on the outsideand because this work helped me
so, so much and I realized I'mnot the only one who is
(05:00):
struggling with these things,yeah, it sort of became became
my mission to help others tofind their own freedom and to
start loving themselves.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
That's beautiful, that's so beautiful.
I think that that is thestruggle for the majority of
people out there right now, ifnot everyone at some point in
their life is learning how tolove ourselves really, right,
right, it's kind of hard to evenlearn where to start.
Like, what do I need?
Because we're all so programmed, I think, especially as women,
to disconnect from what we needin the moment and be the like,
(05:37):
neutral pleaser, the easy person.
So I feel like that's kind of Idon't know, you didn't grow up
in the same place.
I did, obviously, and have avery.
You've been in two differentcountries, but I feel like,
definitely, here and in a lot ofcultures, you know, women are
taught to be seen, not heard, tobe like really to manage the
emotions of others, to makethings better, to make things
(06:00):
easy, to make things inviting,and in doing that, we deny what,
whatever is going on for us inthe moment.
So that can keep us verydisconnected from what our
feelings are and from care andfrom caring for ourselves.
So I think this is suchimportant work.
So I know you, you focus mainlyon people pleasing, which I
(06:26):
think is a huge.
It's just one layer in all ofthis, right, because it all
that's just one symptom of thelack of self-love.
So when you're working withpeople with self-love, where do
you start?
How do you start to to getpeople to turn inwards and pay
attention to themselves?
Because Because a lot of us arewe're putting everybody else's
needs first.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Well, you know, it really depends, because
everyone's journey is completelydifferent.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
So some people, just like myself, I didn't even know
what I was missing, right, so Ididn't even know where to start.
I just knew I had to startsomewhere.
So what I was doing, I wentactually once I made sort of the
decision that I'm, I'm justgonna do something.
Things started popping up onFacebook some local events, and
this is where I started, and andand they just kept popping up.
(07:15):
So I also believe, once, oncewe sort of make a decision,
things just start.
They just start coming to usand we can, we can choose things
.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Yeah.
So like, once people havepeople need to decide they want
to make that change, thenthey'll start opportunities for
you.
You said started to appear andyou think that'll have.
I agree with that totally.
Like, if you've heard of, likea confirmation bias, right, when
your brain decides something,then it looks for confirmation
that that's true.
So if you tell yourself I amgoing to work on self-love, I'm
(07:48):
going to heal the relationship Ihave with myself, I'm going to
work on taking this negativetalk of people-pleasing and I'm
going to work on putting myselffirst, then we start seeing
opportunities or workshops.
Things start like that we mayjust gloss over before we notice
them now and we gives us thatopportunity to take advantage.
So I think that's really goodadvice.
(08:09):
What do you see like anypatterns in the people that
you're working with?
Like, is there a certain kindof woman that is drawn to you
that you think really benefitsfrom this?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
So there is yeah, there are patterns, and I think
one of the more like sort of thebiggest ones are guilt um um,
and what you also mentioned,like oh, you know, I have to put
everybody else before mebecause it's selfish if I look
(08:42):
after myself and sometimes, yeah, so sometimes it's easier to
break that barrier, Sometimesit's a little bit, a little bit
more difficult.
So what I?
What I always suggest people orwomen to do, and if they really
want to make a change, is startstart with with a very small
(09:05):
step.
So just recently or a couple ofmonths ago, I had a chat with
somebody and I asked her what,what is it that she really
wanted for herself?
And she said I think she saidthat she wants to be more
peaceful, let's you lessstressful.
So I'm like, okay, so what'sworrying you?
And so on and so on.
And she sort of picked a reallybig thing about worrying about
(09:25):
her child.
So I said that is probably toobig of a step for you to just
let go of that worry Too broad,yeah.
But then I said so maybe youcan.
So she's like okay, but I can'trelax until everything's done
in the house.
You know she needs to do thedishes and she needs to look
after the household, she needsto do the chores whatsoever.
(09:47):
So I just suggested to her thatmaybe just leave the dishes and
put your feet up, you know, atthe end of the day, and
experiment, see what happens.
And a few months after Iactually asked her like how's,
how's everything going?
And she said she startedlooking into meditations.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
She started, uh, doing some sort of exercises and
everything, and then you knowshe's feeling a lot better what
I love, that like I feel, likewith um, with my clients, like
we, I do something similar whereyou know, when we first start
setting goals, we make sure toset goals that were positive.
We can win, you know, like it'snot, you cannot set a goal that
(10:25):
you're going to lose in thebeginning because we're
overwhelmed, we're tired, we're,you know, whatever you know,
life is life and we're justlearning these skills.
So I want to, I encouragepeople to set goals that they
know they'll win, becausecelebrating yourself,
celebrating those wins, is ahuge piece of it.
Right, that's self-confidence,but also seeing that you can do
it, seeing like maybe thatwasn't, maybe it wasn't, it
(10:47):
gives.
I think it gives you.
I don't know what the word I'mlooking for is, but like
motivation, encouragement, likeyou know, to to try something
new, to try something different.
Maybe that did make a bigdifference, maybe it didn't, but
the fact that you were able tostick to one goal about yourself
, you know that's reaffirmingthat relationship.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
So and also what, what?
So what if I also had to askher?
Well, well, I didn't have toask her, but I asked her like,
okay, so what would your husbandsay?
You know which?
Would he be worried if she'sgoing down?
Well, I don't think he wouldcare that much, okay, so you
know?
Sort of like is it really anexpectation from somebody else,
or are we putting this stress?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Oh, good point.
Yeah, the, the unneededexpectations that we put on
ourselves.
That, like you know, it's funny.
Me and my best friend werehaving this conversation the
other day and not in any waytrying to put our mothers down,
but we were talking about smalllittle things that are ingrained
in us from our parents, like,and it was about cleaning the
house, because this is, I feel,like a lot of women feel,
ownership.
I work full time.
(11:50):
My mom did not, but if we like,I and she's a girl's girl now,
but I back in the day I don'tthink she was as much, but I
remember some of the judgmentshe as she was a full-time mom
that she would make againstother women who didn't keep
their house clean, or just theway it was talked about back
then and I can't say necessarilyit was her talking about other
women or the way she talkedabout herself, about when people
were coming over.
But if people are coming to myhome or my husband has someone
(12:13):
over when I'm at work and hedidn't clean up and there's
dishes in the sink, like this ishow the conversation started.
I was like you had people overin the sink was full of dishes.
Why did you not do those.
You know, I'm like how I'm soembarrassed and so I'm talking
to my best friend about this andshe's telling me about, like,
how her mom did the same thing,her thing.
But she's like do you thinkabout your husband, think about
his friend?
(12:33):
Do you think they even went inyour kitchen?
Do you think they even went inyour kitchen?
Like, to be honest, theyprobably never left the TV.
He's like, do you think theyeven saw that?
They didn't see any of that.
Men, don't see that.
I'm like you're so right.
I was so like upset with myhusband stressed out, causing
(12:53):
myself all this stupid worry atwork.
And when I got home and then Igot home on a day, I was
normally tired and I cleanedeverything after his friend was
here, which wouldn't even made adifference she's like what are
you doing?
Like I don't know, but it isweird.
We put these expectations onourself and I had never taken
the time to look at where itcame from before, and the minute
I did, I let it go because Iwas like that's stupid.
(13:16):
You're right, they didn'tnotice.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's so interesting you'resaying this because when I moved
in with my ex-boyfriendstraight away, I started doing
all the chores and everythingand only so, so many years later
, I'm like what the hell was Idoing?
Right, like why, why did?
Speaker 1 (13:32):
why did I jump onto this chore straight away and
then right, like I'll do thisfor you, let me take care of
this.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Why was he doing that for you, no, yeah, and, but
perhaps he didn't even expect meat the beginning, right, but
then it all.
But then, because we're allhuman beings, right?
Speaker 1 (13:48):
so if somebody starts doing things for us, we just
take it for them yeah, we thatyou created that expectation and
that's not his fault if you, if, like you don't have time to
get to it, stressing you out.
He never asked you to do that.
And I find the same thing in myrelationship too.
My husband's like I would befine without this.
I never asked you to do that.
I'm like, but I need to feelcomfortable.
And he's like well, that's whatneeds addressed, right?
Speaker 2 (14:11):
like yeah, like what do you?
What do you mean?
I'm doing this for you.
But even though you never asked, but I'm like for you and you
know, then I get, then I gotoffended like how, why, why are
you not, uh, you know,appreciating me or something
I've done?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
yeah, so we're really kind of doing it a little bit
for ourselves, right.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I think so.
Yes, well, that's that's.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
That's my personal experience yeah, no, I think
you're right too, sorry, go on.
No, I just said I agree withyou.
I think you're right.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Yeah, because sometimes so, about people
pleasing yes.
So sometimes I think ourenvironment has certain
expectations, but sometimes wehave the self-imposed
expectations, what we think,that this person well, well, I
think this person wants me to belike this or behave in a
certain way, and it may not evenbe true.
(15:03):
Sometimes it's true, sometimesit isn't.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
This is yeah yeah, some of the times it comes from,
like our subconsciousprogramming things that we
didn't even choose, but just howwe saw things done when we were
at a small age.
We just expect that's the wayeveryone sees the world or the
roles everyone thinks people aretaking.
That's just not true.
Yeah, yeah, I love thatperspective because I think we
all need another person to seeit right Like it's not.
(15:27):
Those aren't things that weusually identify on our own.
We need a little help, we needan outside perspective to really
question those things aboutourselves.
I think so yes question thosethings about ourselves.
I think so, yes, so, with thispeople pleasing and, um, what
are the dangers if we don'taddress this?
Do you think, like, where doesthis lead people?
Because I feel like a lot ofpeople are in this, a lot of
(15:47):
women and they're, and they aresuffering.
They just maybe aren'tidentifying that this may be one
of their struggles yeah, sowhat are the dangers?
Speaker 2 (15:56):
burnout yeah uh, disconnection from oneself, so
okay.
So my example you know, when I?
I used to think, oh, I'm such,I'm such an easy person, right?
Um, yeah, I, I don't want totake up much space, and but then
where, where am I?
And then I go.
(16:17):
And also, when you start doingthings for other people, you can
become really resentful andalso there are.
No, the relationships are notnecessarily genuine either.
It can be transactional.
You know, I'm doing something.
It's not the same for everysingle person.
(16:39):
Sometimes it's for approval,sometimes it's because I am
afraid to say no.
Sometimes I don't even knowwhat I need yeah, so that's
really the individualization ofit.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
You really have to figure out where your hold-ups
are.
So what do you what once youhealed from all this?
What are the some?
What are some of the um thingsyou noticed about from all this?
What are the?
What are some of the things younoticed about, like the really?
Or for your clients too, whatare some of the things, once you
see people addressing theseissues that they start to notice
about their lives, that changesin a good way.
(17:10):
What are some of the positiveeffects of starting to put
yourself first, starting to loveyourself and and freeing
yourself from some of thesepeople-pleasing activities?
What are some of the things youthink your clients and yourself
have experienced?
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Well, first of all, it's like you know, you start
taking a moment, or even moremoments for yourself and really
asking like, okay, so what do Ineed right now?
Who am I actually like?
What are my likes or dislikes,what are my preferences, right?
So it's just what I thinkpeople are pleasing, and that
(17:49):
was again my experience.
Um, but there are other peopleas well.
You know, oh, can you do thisfor me, somebody, can you do
this for me?
Somebody comes, can you do thisfor me, or whatever, straight
away, yes, yes, of course, notnot even thinking about it, it's
just a reaction straight away.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yeah, women have a really hard time saying no,
right, even if the answer is not.
And even when we do say no, we,if we have, if we are able to
say no, we have so many excuses.
You know, like we have to sayso much to to defend our no,
even though no is like a fullsentence.
So I love that you're sayingthat, because I feel like a lot
of us we overwhelm ourselves orwe'll say yes from like the
(18:28):
place of ourselves that has allthe energy, like that we say yes
from our best version ofourselves and we don't realize,
like we're not all the way.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
We get the best version of ourselves like you
know, a quarter of the timewe're here so we can't make
decisions from that energy placeyeah, yeah, definitely, and
also so what I would recommendpeople do is, instead of saying
that, yeah, straight away, it'sjust take a moment, and what I
(18:59):
started doing myself and this iswhat I recommend people do, but
they can find everybody canfind their own little tools.
You know, they can startpracticing with something and
then whatever comes to them andthey find it better than they
can do.
That, of course.
But it's like you know, Istarted asking like okay, so
when do you need the answer by?
And they say I started askinglike okay, so when do you need
(19:21):
the answer by?
And they say, I don't know, intwo days.
I'm like, okay, I will comeback to you in two days.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
That's good.
Give yourself a little space tothink about it, to check in to
see if it's something you reallywant to do.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Yes, because I think so A lot of people.
When there are other peoplearound around, we pick up on
their energy and their stuff.
So, especially for me, I needto be away from everyone else
and to really check in withmyself.
Okay, so what is it that Iactually want?
And I think that's very, that'svery similar to a lot of people
(19:53):
as well, so they really have tobe on their own to actually
understand themselves and knowwhat they want and yeah, and
it's much easier than saying no,isn't it?
Speaker 1 (20:02):
like you know, it's not having to say no the first
time.
It's giving yourself like alittle buffer, like, well, how
much time do you need, or can Iget back to you?
When do I need to get back toyou by?
I love that.
So it's almost like a practiceis getting to know yes, yes, so
it's, and exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
It's not like you have to say no straight away and
again some, some people areokay to say no straight and and
no as a full sentence.
That's hard though it is to mestill, because I don't want the
other person to feel rejected orfeel or take it personal.
So, yeah, I make it a longersentence.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
An easier one to digest, yes, but again my
brother, he has boundaries andhe's like no, I'm like how rude.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Right, right, well, okay, I know men are a lot
easier, or well, the majority ofmen, I feel like that's a
little easier, for it's moresocially acceptable for men to
just say no than it is, or atleast we feel that way.
Whether it is or not, I feellike that, so I love that.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
But yeah, it's good.
I think it's a good point thatyou said that.
Well, that is it true or is itnot?
I don't know, but it seems likeit.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
It sure does.
Yeah, yeah, it really does.
But I, you know we're.
I think that you know ourbrains just work differently
Sometimes that might be one ofthe advantages of the male brain
, so I, so I don't want toforget to mention this, but I
know you.
You gave a free gift for ourlisteners.
Do you want to explain a littlebit about what?
And it will be in the shownotes.
(21:39):
So just if you just click onthe episode anywhere you're
viewing it, it should be in theshow description, the link to
this.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
But oh, thank you.
Yes, I'm super excited aboutthis.
I only sort of released itabout a week ago, and if you
sign up I think it's only yourfirst name and email address you
will be receiving 21 umself-love letters oh, I love
that yes, and it's, um, the way,the way the, the emails arrive,
(22:14):
so when, well, uh, like aself-love letter every single
day for 21 days and the picturewill be your name.
So it's almost like the, the wayI sort of worded it, or put it
that imagine that your mostloving, your most, your kindest
and wisest part of yourself issending these letters to you and
(22:38):
your name will be the signature.
So it's almost like you werereceiving it from yourself, not
from me.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
So a free gift of 21 self-love letters that you'll
get delivered daily via emailaddress to you.
I love that.
That's beautiful.
Okay, so that will be in theshow notes.
So if people are listening tothis and really connecting, like
yeah, this is me, I don't knowLike, and then they're confused
(23:05):
on even where to start, whatadvice would you give them on
where to start with this?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
it's not where you are at really.
So, yes, I had somebody askingthe same, I asked the same
question and I was like, justlook at books, you know, and the
right things will, will come.
So if you, if you don't knowwhat you want to change in your
life, or just start searchingfor something like, or even
(23:34):
search self-love and see whatcomes up, and things will just
unfold.
Or find a coach straight away.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Yeah, so just start.
That's what I'm hearing.
Just start any way that youfeel drawn to.
So just start, because once youstart, you get the ball rolling
.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Definitely so sometimes.
Sometimes when I have a chatwith somebody, I would, I would
recommend the book, but but thenI say if it doesn't resonate
with you, it doesn't matter,just find something else.
Right started.
So the the sort of theintention is already there and
the action has been taken andthe rest will come.
Slowly, it's always unfolding.
(24:13):
It's not like I have arrivedand I have nothing else to do,
right life is a process.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
We're always getting there.
I've heard it described as aspiral.
I love it.
I think it's like this risingwoman or wild woman sister, I
don't know if you've heard it,but it's like um, and it's
really hard to put it on paperbecause when you see the spiral
it looks flat, but really, ifyou see it, it's like
three-dimensional in and what itrepresents is that like we're
always addressing the sameissues.
We're always coming back tothem.
(24:39):
It's just that they're a littledifferent, a little lighter
each time we touch back on them.
But we never really truly getrid of things.
We just see them differently.
We develop our relationshipwith our, with our stuff, a
little differently, with our,our baggage, with our
subconscious programming orchildhood or whatever it is.
However you see it, we alwaysrevisit it, but just in like a
(25:02):
different way.
Each time we discover somethingnew about it and I've started
to experience that for myself,like so much.
That's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Yes, and that's my experience as well, and you know
, that's why, for example, whenit's being said, being said oh,
how to set boundaries withoutguilt or without, uh, without
without whatever emotion we aretalking about, and I don't like
saying that personally, becausemy experience that guilt can
arise anytime.
It doesn't matter how long Ihave been doing this, how long I
(25:30):
have been setting thoseboundaries, it can still arise.
And actually I had anexperience not so long ago where
I just no, couldn't leave mymouth.
I was frozen there and I wentback into like my head like 20
years ago, like when I couldn'tsay no, and I was like, oh, my
(25:52):
god, what, what's happened here?
Right, and then I walked awayand I'm like, okay, I need to
come back to this person andactually explain what happened
and say the no.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Then yeah, well, I agree with you.
Like you know, every day isdifferent and now, like I'm in
my forties, and hormone dips andhormones cycles, as I enter
this like reprogramming of myhormone system, of like this
perimenopause stage, days aredifferent, how I feel,
completely different, dependingon where I'm at in that cycle
(26:24):
and you know things likedepression and stuff sneaks up
which I don't surprise.
So I do feel differently ondifferent days, intensely, and I
think that's common for womenin this age group.
So just to know that, it'sreassuring to know, I think and
also a little daunting if youhaven't started addressing these
issues that they never truly goaway.
(26:44):
We just get a little different,our relationship with them
changes, it softens a little bitand it gets easier and we know
ourselves a little better.
But you know there's so muchpower in that and we know
ourselves a little better.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
But you know, there's so much power in that, yeah,
yeah, definitely.
And also once you so what youwere saying, our relationship or
our relation to these thingsare changing and they soften and
maybe we don't even takeourselves that seriously and
stuff.
But also when you develop yourtools, to me, this is where the
power is really, because it'sit's not like that maybe, maybe
(27:22):
an emotion will never arise.
We don't know right, we justdon't know, yeah, when it will
arise, then, oh, okay, I see you, you know it's okay for this
emotion to be here and what do Ido with it?
Yeah, so it's, it's not like II need to get rid of it or
something's wrong with me forfeeling this way.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
it's just how I, how I nurture myself and I can in
the in um in this process yeah,and we can't really nurture
ourselves if we don't knowourselves.
I mean, we can, but we can't.
You know, our nurturing gets somuch more effective when we
develop the relationship withourselves and learn, maybe, what
(28:03):
triggers what things requiredifferent things from us.
I definitely am more into thishealing journey I've gotten for
myself.
I've realized like, dependingon what the stressor is,
depending on what is triggeringme, it requires a different
response.
Sometimes things that I do formyself are more effective in
different circumstances and thatsounds confusing, but I think
(28:25):
that as we develop therelationships with ourselves, it
becomes so much more powerfulthe healing that we can do.
I don't know if that makessense.
It might be a little confusing,but hopefully you're catching
on to what I'm saying here.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I think, yeah, I think I get it, but you can
correct me if I didn't.
But, for example, for me somedays, okay, I just need to do, I
just need to go to the mirrorand talk to myself kindly, but
that.
But some days it's not themiddle world that I do, I just
sit down and, I don't know, havea cup of tea in in silence.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
So, whatever I feel I need that moment yeah, and
really it's the checking in withyourself that kind of tells you
that and that's you know.
There are times where I do amuch better job checking in with
myself throughout the day thanothers.
But when I find myself, when Iam checking in with myself, what
I'm asking myself?
When I'm like, okay, just wheream I at right now?
(29:20):
I'm asking myself usually, whatdo I need right now?
Is there something I need rightnow?
Because if I can calm down,slow down enough, I usually tell
exactly what it is.
You know what I mean?
There's something screaming.
I just have to slow down andpay attention and check in to
see what it is, and sometimesit's nothing.
That's what I needed.
I needed to slow down, justbreathe for a second and be like
(29:41):
, yep, doing the right thing,doing everything I can right now
, nothing else I can do, andthen I can let go of whatever
stress is going on, because Iknow.
I've done everything I need tobe doing, so.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
I love that, actually , when you know that, oh, this
is the only thing I needed rightnow, and that's it.
It's only complicated.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Yeah, sometimes that is it right, like I'm doing the
right things we like.
We need to affirm ourselvesright.
I'm doing everything I can do.
There's nothing else to be done.
I love that, so on.
We kind of touched about this,but this is a perfect time to
ask you this question, because Iask everybody that comes on
like what is your go-to um,self-nurture or self-care, that,
(30:19):
when things get rough, that youfind yourself doing to get
yourself back on track or getyourself feeling like you again?
Speaker 2 (30:29):
so like do you mean?
Like um, like a physical?
Speaker 1 (30:34):
physical.
It can be anything.
Honestly, everyone has saidsomething a little different, so
whatever makes you feel likeyou, that is your go-to thing
when things are hard.
So it can be anything really.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
So I love going for walks and sometimes, when things
are really difficult, I justfeel called to touch a tree or
something and I feel that helps.
It's almost like like yeah, thetree is nurturing, or sometimes
it's almost like giving amessage and yeah, this is what I
needed and it depends sometimes.
(31:09):
Sometimes I can stillexperience loops.
you know that I'm just going incircles and I'm stressing my but
it's like the, the reminding ofmyself that you know, whatever
happens, I, I'm still worthy, um, I still love myself, and sort
(31:31):
of using affirmations as well,sometimes journaling oh yeah,
journaling's a great one yeah,and just write and and writing
and also it's like okay, um,really recognizing what is
actually going on, what's theemotion, and go underneath it,
like okay, what's underneath,what's what's really going on,
(31:52):
and start working with that yeah, trying to trying to drive.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
Yeah, totally, because I feel like sometimes
what we're feeling in the momentand we know it.
Sometimes we know that this isnot really what I'm upset about,
it's something else that I'vebeen holding on to all day.
Or sometimes we don't know itand that little pause helps us
know, like I'm not mad at thisperson right now.
The situation normally wouldnot frustrate me this much.
What is happening right now?
And that little check-in is theanswer.
I love that.
That's beautiful advice.
(32:16):
So if people are hearing thisand they're like this is me, I
need, I need more of this in mylife and they want to learn more
about you.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Where can, where can our, my listeners go to find
more information?
Speaker 1 (32:42):
So they can check me out on Facebook.
I share a lot of like.
I have a lot of posts, you know, and sharing my own story as
well, and they, if they wouldlike to get in touch with me,
they can.
Just what's the word?
Friend me.
Yeah, do you know?
Your handle off the top of yourhead what your Facebook is,
because some people don't wantto click on the show notes.
They'll just remember.
Or you can say your website,what's your website?
Speaker 2 (32:50):
my full name, so maria paholikcom.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
Okay, I'm going to spell your last name, so people
know Maria P-A-H-O-L-I-K.
Right?
Yes, how do you pronounce itagain?
Poholik, poholik.
I hope I didn't butcher it inthe intro.
I tried really hard.
I even looked it up on GoogleSpeaks, like how do you
pronounce this last name?
Oh, thank you, I'm used to itanyway, yeah, my last name.
(33:20):
Well, now, my last name now isOlinger, which is my husband's
last name, but the one beforethat, my maiden last name, is
Heidenfelder, which is justreally long.
So people mispronounce itbecause I think they just get
overwhelmed.
So I totally understand that.
Well, it's been such a pleasuretalking to you, maria.
I think this is a reallyrelevant issue for so many women
(33:40):
, so many women right now, andit's just part of our culture
and a lot of cultures out theretoday.
This patriarchal setup we havereally ingrains from a small age
, for women especially.
But for us to disconnect fromour emotions and ourselves and
so many of us as we get older,this work to reconnect is so
important and a huge part of thestruggle, so it's so powerful.
(34:04):
Are there any words that youwould like to leave us with
today or any thoughts?
Speaker 2 (34:10):
So if I could leave the whole world with one message
, then it's just be kind toyourself.
That's the only thing I could.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Yeah, I love that.
We didn't really talk on thatthis much, but in reading your
website, yeah, I know kindnessto yourself and to others.
It's a big, it's very prevalenton your site and I love that so
much, so I'm a huge proponentfor that as well.
Um, so thank you so much forthe work you do and for, like,
just sharing your beautifullight and, um, and if you ever
(34:40):
come out with anything new ordoing a new program, we'd love
to have you back on to hearabout it.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
So thank you.
Thank you so so much for havingme.
Yes, bye.
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