March 10, 2025 • 56 mins
Hi!! I would love to hear from you!
Imagine reaching the breaking point—crying at the kitchen sink, feeling lost in the life you've built, and walking away from your family for several days just to breathe. This was certified coach Liliane de Vries reality before her extraordinary journey of self-discovery transformed her approach to life, relationships, and purpose.
Liliane, a former oncology nurse turned wellness coach, shares the raw and powerful story of how she took a six-month "sabbatical" from being a wife, mother, and daughter to focus solely on herself. What she discovered in the first hour of this journey changed everything: "I had full permission to look after me. I now had nobody to blame." This simple yet profound revelation became the foundation for her work with unstoppable women who feel overwhelmed, burnt out, and disconnected from their own needs.
Throughout our conversation, Liliane reveals why nurses and healthcare professionals often struggle to prioritize self-care, and how the mindset that "the system owes me" prevents many from taking responsibility for their wellbeing. She explains the crucial difference between happiness (which depends on external circumstances) and joy (an attitude that defies all circumstances), offering practical strategies for cultivating the latter even in challenging environments.
Whether you're a healthcare professional feeling burnt out, someone struggling with boundaries in relationships, or simply seeking more balance and peace in your daily life, Liliana’s insights will resonate deeply. Her mirror exercise for self-acceptance, techniques for recognizing saboteur voices, and perspective on relationships as a "third entity" provide transformative tools you can implement immediately.
Ready to move from surviving to thriving? Discover how asking yourself "What do I need right now?" rather than "What do I need to do?" can be the first step toward reclaiming your joy, purpose, and balance. Connect with Liliane’s free support group for nurses or book a one-on-one call to explore how her coaching might support your journey.
Liliane de Vries
Website: www.lilianedevries.com and www.aliveinhealthcare.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AlivewithLilianedeVries/
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/liliane-devries
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@alivewithLiliane/videos
Author: The Passionate Nurse: https://www.amazon.ca/Passionate-Nurse-Liliane-Vries/dp/1978194439/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1531858474&sr=1-1&keywords=the+passionate+nurse
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello and welcome to Empowered Ease.
My guest today is LillianDeFries.
She is a certified coach whoworks with unstoppable women who
want to find more peace andbalance in their lives.
She is also a Canadian nurse.
Welcome, lillian, thank you.
Thank you.
Glad to be here, jenny.
I'm so happy you're here todaytoo.
(00:23):
Glad to be here, jenny.
I'm so happy you're here todaytoo.
Lillian and I met throughanother nonprofit nursing
organization and I happened toset up a one-on-one call and
found out Lillian herself isdoing a lot of amazing things.
So tell us a little bit aboutthat.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Yeah, so I started way back as a nurse and then
moved into working with myparents in restaurant business.
My parents are from France, sowe had a French French
restaurant and and then did somecustomer service and management
in health, in pharmaceuticals,and it came right back to
(01:00):
coaching, which is because I waslooking for an answer from
nursing.
What else could I do?
And I think that that's where alot of nurses answer from
nursing.
What else could I do?
And I think that that's where alot of nurses are these days.
What else can I do?
And the thing, the common themethat I would hear is I don't
know how to do anything else butnursing, and I was like you
absolutely do.
You just haven't discovered ityet.
So nursing in itself is so manyskills, so many skills, you know
(01:22):
, and we think it's only inhealthcare and in nursing, but
it's.
It's definitely not.
It's, it's a lot more.
So, yeah, I went into, Idiscovered workplace wellness
and health promotion that wasthe buzzword.
Well, you know wellness.
And and through that Idiscovered coaching and decided
to get into coaching.
And here I was.
I remember the first time Istarted that first week of
(01:44):
coaching intense program that Iwas in.
I was sitting there thinkinghow much I wanted to help other
people and I walked out of thatroom that first week thinking I
am so messed up I'm not going tohelp anybody.
I need help, you know.
And it was the realization andworking through my process that
I realized how much I needed todo my work before I could help
(02:05):
anybody else.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
So tell me, when you were a nurse, what kind of where
did you work?
What kind of nursing did you do?
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Yeah, so I worked mostly in.
I worked in Ontario, in Canada,and I did oncology, nursing.
So I had a variety of differentlike.
We did cardiology, we didgeneral medicine, women's health
, but mostly it was oncology.
Loved it because I kept seeingpatients coming back every month
for their treatments, got toknow them very closely and I was
(02:37):
able to, as I say, have everyemotion with my patients.
I could walk into my rounds anddo French can-can dancing with
them and the next thing, youknow, I'd be pulling the curtain
and crying with them.
So the the.
You know I was already in thatcoaching mode but I just needed
some more skills and refining toknow how to use it properly.
And on myself first.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Right, right.
That's where we all, well, andwe're all still.
It's a process, right, never?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
it never stops no, I uh.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
My first job like uh in, I guess you would say
wellness was backpacking withtroubled teens.
It was a therapeuticintervention program and I that
was some of the very toptherapists out there rocked my
world.
I was like whoa, I have so muchwork to do myself.
But luckily I felt like I gotfree therapy working there.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Yeah, it's so true, though it's like we think and
we're such givers I meanespecially nurses right, we're
such givers and we care forothers, and we forget to look at
ourselves and care for what weneed.
Not what we need to do, butwhat we need.
And that's the big question Iask myself every day what do you
(03:49):
know?
Speaker 3 (03:49):
when I'm in that whirlwind it's like okay, calm
down, not what I need to do,what do?
Speaker 2 (03:51):
I need right now and that pause, which I think is
what coaching is really.
It's taking a moment with your,with your coach, and pausing
and saying Okay, let me think.
Where am I in my life?
Am I in the right direction?
Am I doing what I want to bedoing?
Is my heart in a passionateplace, or am I just surviving?
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Yeah, is what I wanted, used to want and been
driving so hard for still what Iwant now.
Am I still aligned with thatpurpose?
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Yeah, for sure, for sure, and our circumstances
change, so our wants and ourdesires and what we're exposed
to changes, and so, therefore,permission to not always know
what we want.
Sometimes it's just stoppingand revisiting and saying is
this still what I want, right,yeah, pretty cool.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
I love that.
So, tell me working inworkplace wellness.
Now, did you work in healthcare?
Did you work in corporate?
What kind of workplace wellnessdid you do?
Speaker 2 (04:43):
I worked in corporate , believe it or not, I worked in
a pharmaceutical.
Oh, wow.
Well, I worked in atelecommunication company in my
training and then I went inpharmaceuticals and, um, and
yeah, it was, it was.
It was very interesting because, you know, I thought healthcare
was so toxic.
And then I went to you you knowpharmaceuticals and other
companies and I thought it'sjust as toxic it is.
(05:07):
You know, everybody's trying tosurvive and and it's like
everybody's got this thing to dofor the day or, and they're,
they've got this tunnel visionand if anybody comes and cuts
off and and interrupts them youknow whether it be a call bell
from a patient or from a managerwho's calling you or whatever
then we're disrupted and we, weget all emotional and we start
being angry and we don't knowhow to cope with those emotions.
(05:29):
Hence emotional intelligence,positive intelligence, which I'm
trained in, it's all thosethings about what.
What are we really trying toaccomplish?
Because we can have fabulousintentions, but the impact we
have is not matching what ourintentions are.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
So yeah, it's, and I look, you know, and specifically
working with nurses, I look atnursing because they're such
caring individuals and theydon't stop to care for
themselves they don't stop tocare for themselves.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Yeah, this is something Lily and I Lily and I
have talked about.
A lot is like.
Nurses are probably some of theleast likely people to reach
out and take help for themselves, and at times I know over the
past they've been some of theunhealthiest people, and it's we
we were trying to figure outwhy here.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah, so.
So one of the things that hascome across my you know, my path
over the 20 plus years thatI've been doing this has been,
you know, when I asked nurses,why don't you?
You know you've got anopportunity here to invest in
yourself and and do good foryourself, to take care of
yourself and have a partner onyour journey.
Right, because you don't haveto do this alone, alone, you
(06:44):
don't have to figure it outalone.
And women you know men outthere as nurses, but you know
I'm talking the the typicalwoman is like she thinks she has
to fix it all herself yeah, andwomen especially need community
to be able to validateourselves.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
We need other people, we need other women yeah, and
we need the sounding board.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
That's why coaching works so powerfully in nursing,
and the nurses that I've workedwith have walked away like
knowing each other for, you know, 20 years working together, and
they turn around and go.
Well, I didn't know, you knewthat, or I didn't know, you
thought that way or felt thatway, and it was such a wake-up
call and I say why don't youinvest in yourself?
And the response that I getoften, often, which, just you
(07:28):
know, to this day baffles me, isthe system owes me.
They should be paying foranything that I need.
They owe me and I go.
You're absolutely right, thesystem owes you.
First of all, who's the system?
That's not a person.
It's not somebody with you knowmoney in their pocket.
Who's the system?
Who's running the system andhow's that working for you?
Waiting for the system to payfor something for you or to look
(07:50):
after yourself?
Yeah, I look at so many otherprofessionals that I work with
in organizations.
They all invest in themselves.
They don't wait for the systemto look after them.
So why are nurses doing that?
You know why are they doingthat and I'll tell you.
I think part of the reason isnurses are in this survival.
(08:14):
You know this.
I call it almost like a warzone building.
You know, when you think aboutthe hospital, it's almost like
this war zone that you're in andby the time you get to escape
for a few hours to go home toyour family and you know to rest
, you're exhausted and you don'tsee anything else.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
And overstimulated and you've had no time to
yourself all day.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Yeah, we need to make that happen.
You and I both, Jenny we we'vemade time for ourselves.
We forced that time onourselves, even today.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah, it took me a long time though it took me some
pretty serious healthconsequences before I opened my
eyes and realized like, if Idon't do something about this,
I'm going to end up one of thesepatients.
And that's what was my wake-upcall, because to me that would
be hell if I ended up being apatient in one of the ICs I was
working in.
But I don't know what peopleneed to hear.
(09:07):
But I also wonder, like, when Ilook at nurses, if there's I
mean, I think there's so manyfactors, like you know.
I think the people that aredrawn to be nurses sometimes are
more people pleasers, peoplewho are more likely not all, but
I think more likely to neglectthemselves in some way.
I think there's a highpercentage of nurses, like 68,
(09:29):
or healthcare workers in general, that have experienced, like
childhood trauma, neglect, allthose things too, which I think
only add to the stress and theexhaustion when you get into the
work environment that you'renot prepared for.
That is like a hundred miles anhour all the time.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Very true, and though nursing is changing with the
new generations coming in, theydon't have and again, this is a
general statement, right, butthey don't have that expectation
of themselves or even of theirsurroundings, the way the older
nurses do, you know, the moreseasoned nurses, and so what
(10:10):
we're finding is that nurses aregoing in, young nurses are
going in for a year or two andthen leaving because they're not
tolerating this.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Yeah, under 25 is the highest burnout rate and if you
think about like after themgoing and schooling and stuff,
they have barely not nothingwrong with that.
But they have not been in theprofession very long at all.
That is that is great.
Well, it's scary.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
It's scary for our future if you it is, but does
that tell you a little bit aboutour you know our generations,
about how much we tolerate incertain generations and other
generations that say, no, thisis not happening.
This is.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I'm proud of them honestly because I think they're
going to be the ones to changeit, because it's going to cause
the system to have to dosomething differently.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
So I would like to see them get involved in helping
change what healthcare can looklike, what nurses, what the
profession can look like.
And we've got to stop bashingthe profession.
We've got to rebirth theprofession, if you like, right,
and make it, and make it, uh,what we think it should be.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
You know, I, I, I.
I would love your advice on howto do that, because I think for
a lot of nurses like for me itwas I had to at some point
separate nursing from healthcareand I don't think I did that
for a long time.
I was so angry, like I justwanted to leave.
I didn't want to do it anymore.
I felt taken advantage of, um,mostly by the system, sometimes
(11:28):
by people but patients and, butmostly by the system.
And I think it was until Iuntil I found a community on
LinkedIn, honestly, of othernurses who are trying to make a
difference, who are out theretalking, who are doing research,
who are speaking, that Ithought, oh my gosh, there are
people out there trying.
It's just when I'm bedside.
I had no awareness that thatwas going on and that nursing,
(11:51):
you know, I just lost, lost mypride in nursing and I regained
it when I found all these womenlike oh, this is why we're
nurses.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
Right, right.
However, at the same time, thedanger in some of these groups
is that we end up being alltogether with a place to bitch
about things.
Yeah, war story.
We want to find the supportivegroups that.
You know that statement thatyou become the five people you
hang around with the most yeah,I love it.
(12:20):
I want to become that positiveperson who has hope and
inspiration for the profession,who can use the amazing skills
and leadership skills thatnurses have to recreate things.
And if it doesn't mean yourenergy isn't recreating the
nursing profession, it can bejust recreating your life and
(12:41):
helping others recreate theirlife.
You know there's a tool herejust recreating your life and
helping others recreate theirlife.
You know there's a tool here,and one of the things that I
started to do was um, and andand I'm I'm about to relaunch
this um.
So there's an invitation.
I was charging for this and atthis point now I'm saying no, I
I'm so passionate about it.
I've got a group called jointhe movement nurses reclaiming,
(13:03):
you know, their their life,basically.
So it's bringing nursestogether on a regular basis to
have the positive conversationsto say what are my challenges
and how have I worked throughthem to help others who are
trying to find a way, and alsoto even say I'm having a
challenge.
Does anybody know how to help?
How to help me, you know, to bejust in that place of having
(13:26):
those conversations, and itcould be celebrating things that
are non-nursing, it doesn'tmatter, that's so powerful
because I came.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
I come from like a non-healthcare family, so
whenever I come home, like Ihave my coworkers, but you know,
there's a level that we keepour coworkers at for the most
part.
But I came home and no one.
Even when I tried to talk, tovent, it just never felt
satisfying because people justnever really understood it.
So I can't even imagine howpowerful a group of people who
get it would be.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Who get it and from their own perspectives, because
one of the things I justfinished doing is a webinar on
worldviews.
Where do we get our worldviewsfrom?
You know our experiences, whatwe've been taught, our beliefs,
you know, historically, allthose kinds of things add up to
our world views and so,collectively, if we can share
those views without beingattached to my view, is right,
(14:18):
but more about what are theviews, and then I get to choose.
Right, yeah, I mean, that'sthat's important piece.
And you know, I want to go backa little bit to what you were
saying.
What, what got you to the placethat you are today is you had to
go through the burnout, etc.
Right, well, I went throughthat.
I wasn't in nursing directlyanymore, but I was still
(14:41):
involved with nursing and I wasstill involved with nursing and
I was still and I was, you know,rediscovering myself and
becoming a coach at that time.
And I remember this Saturdaymorning when I, you know, my
husband was still in bed, thekids were upstairs, you know,
playing and I was doing thedishes I don't know what it is
with, you know, doing dishes andthe suds in the water.
(15:03):
But that's the place where ourminds just start thinking, and
thinking, and thinking, and Icould you know my tears were
falling into the sink as I wascrying and going.
I didn't sign up for this.
This is not the life I wanted.
And you know, breaking down, andI remember calling my husband,
calling the kids, and nobodyresponded.
And then down comes the Germanshepherd and gives me this kind
(15:26):
of look you know what's going onand I took off, I took my purse
and I left, and I left for two,three days and I just drove and
I, you know, listened to everysad song I could listen to on
the radio, because I don't knowwhat it is.
It's sort of like oh, you,artists, you get me, you
understand me.
You know, I was looking forthat, that that connection, and
(15:47):
I came back and, um, you know,thought, okay, I can do this, I
can, I can, you know, just getback and, you know, be a better
person.
And all this and that cyclejust came right back again
because, you know, you foolyourself, right, you tell
yourself things and you justhave the support, a band-aid on
it yeah.
So I came back one day and Isaid that was sort of like the
(16:07):
breaking point.
And I came back, it wassaturday morning and my husband
and my kids were sitting at thetable and I said I'd like to
talk to you guys about somethingand I said I'm taking a what I
call uh.
At that time I called itproject lil um and you know,
today I call it mission me withmy clients.
Right, it's that place and Idon't expect anybody to do what
(16:27):
I did.
But our mission me is whateverthat means to each person, but
my project little was honey, I'mtaking a six-month sabbatical
from being your wife, kids, frombeing your mother, my parents
upstairs, from being yourdaughter.
I am looking after me and I,you know, I had this vision of
(16:47):
maybe what it would look like,right, and I said I'm moving out
of the bedroom.
Sweetie, can you imagine myhusband's face, like are we
divorcing?
Like what's going on?
You know, like I mean, and mykids were sort of like oh yeah,
in one ear or the other, becauseyou know, there she goes again,
because you know mothers werealways like that, complaining,
and then things just go back tonormal.
And so I did.
(17:10):
I moved out of the bedroom, Imoved into a different part of
the house and I remember thebiggest lesson I learned was in
that first hour, not in the sixmonths, in the first hour.
And that lesson was I had fullpermission to look after me.
I now had nobody to blame.
Oh, my word, I couldn't blamemy husband for my unhappiness.
I couldn't blame my husband formy unhappiness.
I couldn't blame my kids for myunhappiness.
(17:32):
I couldn't blame my parents formy unhappiness.
I couldn't blame anybody.
It was all me.
The only person who couldchange anything was me.
Oh, that was like.
And I sat there and I cried andI just bawled and I just thought
well, now, what do I do?
Because it's all up to me.
That's when I started to applysome of the coaching that I had
learned.
You know the discovery.
And I just bawled and I justthought well, now what do I do?
(17:53):
Because it's all up to me?
That's when I started to applysome of the coaching that I had
learned.
You know the discovery ofmyself.
I started to do some meditation, tried to wake up at four in
the morning and do it like themonks.
Do you know that didn't work.
I had to find my way right.
I had to do my journaling.
I had to do my stuff.
You know discovery, which I nowdeveloped a program and I work
with people for a year, you know, working with them at their
(18:14):
pace, not asking them to leavetheir spouse or their family.
That's not at all what this isabout.
It's about how do you want tomake it happen and how can I
support you, and so that's whatI did, but I tell you it was the
best thing I ever did.
Now did you move back into thebest thing I ever did.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
I learned Now.
Did you move back into thebedroom?
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Yeah, yeah, and I thought my marriage was over.
My marriage is in a great place.
It wasn't.
You know, here I was trying tofix everybody else, because they
were the problem.
It wasn't them.
I had to look at myself andwhen I changed my attitude, when
I, you know, there's this greatquote by Wayne Dyer who says
when you change the way you lookat things, the things you look
(18:53):
at change.
That's exactly what I did.
I started to change the way Ilooked at things and things
changed.
My husband wasn't the problem,my kids weren't the problem, my
parents weren't the problem.
Sure, there's issues.
I mean always will be right,yeah, but I knew perfect, yeah,
(19:13):
yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so that's, that's my story,that's really my story.
That got me to where I am heretoday.
And I, you know, and I was thatunstoppable woman, like I'd get
back up and, you know, fallflat on my face and then get
right back up and start over andredo the same things I was
doing, still blaming others.
Well, you know, and it's hardto look at yourself.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
It's simple, but it's hard.
Oh my gosh, it's so hard.
It's so hard, it's scary.
It's terrifying at first.
It's absolutely terrifying,yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
So so that's why we need to do things at the pace of
the person.
Who's who's doing this?
I don't expect anybody to do itthe way I did it.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
And you know my burnout program is a flex
program because I found likethere's just some parts of it
that people get held up on.
They need more time with likecause.
You don't realize where some ofthese things are coming from.
Sometimes they're very deeplyrooted in things that are scary,
and so people need time yeahthey do need time.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
And, and you know and do, am I that perfect person
today?
Absolutely not.
Time.
And you know and do, am I thatperfect person today?
Absolutely not.
I still look at myselfsometimes I go oh, I can't
believe I was blaming him forthis, or you know or yeah, and
I've got to look at myself.
That's where the mirror isalways.
That's better fact, the mirroris always there.
No joke, the mirror is alwayshere, right, it's.
It's like I remind myself whereis this about you, you know?
Speaker 1 (20:28):
yeah, how do you help women find that place?
I mean I, how do you?
Where do you start with women?
Speaker 2 (20:35):
well, you know I think the the most powerful
place that I've started withmost people seems to be the
place is about the negativechatter that we have in our
brain, um, and scientifically,and positive intelligence, the
studies that have been donearound that is that the more we
listen to those saboteur voices,the more we feed into it.
There's a story basically aboutthe old Cherokee who says to
(20:56):
his grandson you know that oneright.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
You're the second person to bring it up on this
podcast, and I.
It's so beautiful, let's say itagain please.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Yeah, it's basically the old Cherokee says there's,
you know, two wolves that liveinside our brain and it's like
they're fighting.
One is the evil wolf, you know,with all the negative things,
the ego, you know, the pride,the guilt, the shame, all those
kinds of feelings, and thenyou've got the good wolf.
That's, you know, joy, passion,patience, curiosity, all those
(21:27):
things.
And the little boy says, well,who wins?
And the Cher boy says, well,the who wins?
And the Cherokee says, the oneyou feed and so I remember that
yeah so when you know you getpeople who start negative
chatter, I just go.
I get a choice here do I feedthat evil wolf or do I go and
step into my, my good wolf?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
yeah, not that there's not a place to get
things out, but then you have tomove on.
You know you have to decidewhat you have control over, what
you don't have control over,what you don't have control over
, you got to let go.
For me that was huge inhealthcare because there's so
much to be frustrated about, somuch that's outside our control
that, you see, go wrong.
You know, and it hurts becauseyou care.
And for me, when I could findthat detachment is when I could
(22:13):
go back to work.
But it took like I had tookthree months off and was having
a lot of trouble going back.
And now when I go back, I thinksome of the younger nurses
cause I'm like detachment, youhave to detach from some things.
Look at me a little coldly butI'm like no, this is a self
preservation, because if youattach yourself to all those
things you have no control,You're just suffering, to suffer
.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Yes, yes, yeah.
So in positive intelligence wetalk about the master of all
saboteurs is the judge.
We judge ourselves.
We judge others and we judgecircumstances and when I go back
to healthcare, you know that'sa circumstance, like we're
judging the system.
But who is the system and whereare we responsible for things?
Right, yeah, that judge is sopowerful and then he takes on
(22:51):
his accomplices.
Well, my top accomplice is thecontroller.
If I can't control things, Iget in with my other accomplice
who avoids, so I step away void.
So I gotta catch myself onthose things.
To this very day, I still haveto catch myself with stuff you
know, when I get upset withsomebody because it's not,
they're not not doing it my way,then I go.
(23:12):
Okay, hang on a second.
Is it me right now or is it mysaboteur?
The controller was trying tocontrol everything.
Okay, buddy, time to get away,it's.
I don't need you right now, youjust make it worse.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Yeah so that sounds powerful.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Yeah, yeah.
So that sounds powerful.
Talking to yourself is okay.
Yeah, it's all good.
Yeah, so what kind of?
When you talk about your calls,I thought these what were they
called?
Nurses reclaim life.
Are those daily?
Is that what I read?
Speaker 2 (23:47):
No, so the Nursing Reclaim your Life is a weekly
call.
A weekly call, okay, join themovement?
Okay, and we're just doing acall to step in and say where
are we Introduce ourselves?
You know, when I started this,I had people from South Africa,
from France, from you knowdifferent places that I've
worked in, because you know ourstuff is our stuff, it doesn't
(24:09):
matter where you're living.
Because you know our stuff isour stuff, it doesn't matter
where you're living.
And you know if you can compareyourself.
I mean, when I look at stuff inSouth Africa, I go why are they
complaining here in Canada orin the States, right?
However that's our reality.
Right, go back to.
You know our worldviews.
That's our reality, and whensomething shifts from that, it's
as disturbing as it is tosomebody who's got it worse.
You know, and so it's asdisturbing as it is to somebody
(24:30):
who's got it worse, you know,and so it's not a comparison
game.
It's about our own perspectiveon it.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Yeah, I always try to frame things like a child
therapist told me this once thatI think about it all the time,
like the worst thing that youthey've ever experienced is the
worst thing they've everexperienced, and that and I
think about that with adults allthe time like, yeah, you know,
it's their perspective, it'stheir world.
You know, so little things canhave a big impact for people.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Well, and the thing I love about that is that that
tells me that nobody gets to bewrong, that we are all right.
So if you say to me, this isyou know, this is how you see
the world, or what's going on,and I go you know, that's your
truth and I can't deny eventhough it may not be my truth, I
(25:13):
can't deny you your truth,that's your truth.
So what do we need to do tohelp you deal with that
perspective so that you're noteaten away by it?
Yeah, how do we bring thatpeace to you, to you, so that
you can feel okay, I don't havecontrol over this.
I'm trying to controleverything around me.
(25:35):
What do I have control over?
What do I really want?
Because half the time when Itell people, so what do you want
?
And they say to me, well, Idon't want to be married to this
guy anymore and I don't wantthis job, I go.
I am so clear on what you don'twant.
What do you want?
I don't know.
Yeah, that's the.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
That's the real issue , huh.
I found that in burnout, myburnout program Sometimes some
people it's not about likeleaving the profession either,
like they love what they do.
They just need to find a newway to approach it to make it
fit their life, because what theway they've been doing it is
not working Right.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
And and, and part of that is also, you know, dealing
with the, the, you know thenegative people around you.
So I remember a time when, whenyou know, the environment was
not good and I and I was so sickof being around these people
and I brought in bag of beingaround these people and I
brought in bagels and creamcheese for the whole, not just
our department but thedepartment around us as well.
(26:36):
And one guy comes up to me andhe says why did you bring bagels
and cream cheese?
And I said, actually, becauseI'm so tired of the negativity,
I just wanted to do somethinggood, and probably today, with
nutrition, it wouldn't be bagelsand cream cheese.
But at that point it was, yeah,but.
But you know, I brought it in.
And he said well, it's going totake a hell of a lot more than
bagels and cream cheese tochange this place.
And I went well, it's a goodstart.
(26:58):
But you know, you, you, ifthat's not for you, that's fine
the end of the day.
he came up to me he said thankyou, it really did make a
difference and I went well, I'mglad you saw it.
You know, and that's it.
It's make a difference and Iwent.
Well, I'm glad you saw it andthat's it.
It's not a judgment.
That's where he was and do itanyway.
As much as you might haveresistance around you, do it
(27:20):
anyway, because people willeventually say, yeah, you know
what, maybe this isn't so bad.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
So tell me how you, what are the ways that you work
with women, what are ways thatwomen can find you work with you
?
Tell me a little bit about that.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Yeah, so what I'll do is I'll give you a link to my
calendar, and I think that's thebest way.
So somebody can you know, reachout and have a conversation
with me to see where they're at.
I mean, not everybody's in thesame place, and maybe it's not
coaching that you need, maybeit's a different kind of support
that you need or other thingsthat need to happen first.
Right, so that would be thefirst thing to do is to have a
(27:59):
conversation, and I'm justrebuilding my website right now,
so there'll be more thingsaround that and I'll be able to
let people know.
However, in that, in that frameof mind, when people approach me
, then I say, okay, so what arethe struggles that you see and
where would you like to be?
And I know it's reallyinteresting because I worked
(28:20):
with somebody who's 20 years oldjust the other day and he said
to me you know, how do I knowwhen I got there, when I've
arrived?
And I love that questionbecause it's sort of like you
know, how do I know when I gotthere, when I've arrived, and I
love that question because it'ssort of like you know, okay, I'm
going to work with you as acoach for a year.
You know you're going to be and, by the way, I do VIP coaching
so which means that you don'tonly get calls regular calls
with me, but if there'ssomething you're struggling with
(28:42):
in between, I'm a text away,I'm an email away and even maybe
even a phone call away at thatpoint.
Right, yeah, so having somebodyby your side that you can count
on at the at the time you needit, not just on your regular
meetings, you know, uh, it'simportant.
So I said to this guy well,what's the it that would have
you know?
You're there, like what doesthat look like?
(29:04):
Right, so well, I don't knowsuccess, I go.
What is success?
Yeah, you know money andwhatever.
And I said, well, how muchmoney you know?
All these things?
Like you really have to breakit down to know.
And I said, and that's so, Itake the wheel of life you know
for some who don't know.
You've got your, your wheel,divided into different pieces
(29:25):
and you've got, you know, yourcareer, your health, your
finances, etc.
Right, and you score it fromzero to 10, zero being it's the
worst it could be, 10 being thebest it could be.
And what's really interesting,even for myself, is that you
might be an eight and you say,well, here's a 10.
And, working with me, we mightmove to a nine or a 10 or
whatever.
(29:45):
But when you redo the wheel,you might be back at a seven or
an eight and you think, but I'vemoved forward.
Why am I at a seven and eight?
Because your 10 has now changed.
You've expanded what you reallywant, because you're clearer on
it, and that's really where youarrive, as I said to this young
man.
I said, where you arrive iswhere you're arriving, where
(30:06):
you're heading right now, butyou're always changing where
you're going and what you'retrying to achieve.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Yeah, and that's okay , it's like that quote, like aim
for the moon, you land upon thestars.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
No.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
I don't know that quote.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Yeah, it's like if you're, if you reach.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
If you're, if you're aiming for the moon like you,
don't have to worry, because ifyou miss, you still land upon
the stars like exactly, exactly,and half the time it's not
where you're going anyway yeah,you know it's it's.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
It's always changing, it's always evolving.
Because you're evolving, you'reshowing up every day as a
different person, a newperspective, new way of seeing
things, and you test it.
You test these tools that we,you know, we we talk about and
work on, and then you say, yeah,I like that, but here's how it
worked with so-and-so, but maybe, you know, with this person it
(30:56):
didn't work as well.
What do I need to do here?
So having that partner to talkthings about and and how to move
forward with things, soprecious, I mean, I still work
with a coach.
You know I've been doing thisfor what?
25 years now.
I still work with a coach.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
You know I've been doing this for 25 years now, I
still work with my coach.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
You know a couple.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, that's.
That's the good thing aboutbeing a coach is you do have a
couple.
You have the formal one thatyou pay and the other ones that
just you know you can lean onevery now and then.
Yeah, yeah so true, so true,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
That's what helped me through my burnout.
Honestly, I went throughtherapy.
I saw tons of doctors and itwas working with coaches,
one-on-one.
That was it.
Helped me heal.
It helped me figure out exactly, get to the root of it.
It was much more impact Notthat I didn't get things out of
therapy, because I did and I'mglad I went, and I think they
actually go hand in hand verywell, because you don't always
(31:51):
know what you're going to comeup against in coaching.
I usually advise my clients toat least have a therapist at
some point, because I really dothink some of that stuff you hit
you don't expect to sometimesand you need a little help
sorting it out.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Yeah, yeah.
So sometimes clients do workwith therapists and coach at the
same time and sometimes theyreally have to go with therapy
first, or you know, or viceversa, whatever.
But absolutely, you'reabsolutely right.
And what I love about that,that kind of brings me to where
I work with balance, with women.
You know, we're never balancedin all areas and I think that
that's, that's the falseinformation that we have, at
(32:26):
least that's my truth for now,and that's the place of when I'm
working my coach, maybe I'mdeveloping my business and how
I'm getting in the way of mybusiness.
Then I might be working on myrelationship and where am I
might be getting in the way ofmy relationship, you know.
So it's all.
It's all intertwined, but it'snever everything at once.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
You know I'm going to tell you another quote I love.
Now you're bringing all thequotes out of me today, but
there's one called it says likeyou can have everything you want
, but just not at once.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Yes, yes, it's so true, yeah, and then we define
well, what do you want?
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Prioritizing.
Yeah, that game a lot yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Yeah, lot, yeah, yeah , and.
And things happen in life andthey don't happen to us, they
happen for us.
So stopping and pausing andsaying why is this happening?
Without judgment, becauseremember that the master judge
there can come in and judgeeverything.
It's more about wonder why thisis happening and where is it
guiding me to you know thatresiliency mindset is so
(33:32):
powerful.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's the pause in askingthe questions and waiting for
the answer.
We don't.
I mean, the answers are allwithin us, but sometimes we've
got to dig a little deeper forthem, or?
Even more spatial Right.
And ask the question and waitfor the answer without expecting
(33:56):
the answer right to be acertain thing, being open to
what comes.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
What what's there?
Speaker 2 (34:00):
yeah, curiosity it's so cool to be curious and say,
whoa, you know, um, and thetests that we have in life.
I remember at one point when Iwas doing my coaching and my
family said to me this is just ahobby, this is not a job,
because you know you'restruggling at the beginning, you
know trying to bring clients inand stuff like that at the very
beginning of a business.
(34:20):
And I remember saying don't youever dare take away what I'm
passionate about.
You don't have that right.
I get to make the decisions ofwhat's a hobby or what's a job
for me, but don't ever take thataway from me.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
and that was probably their fear of seeing you fail
and get hurt.
Anyway, you know what I?
Speaker 2 (34:41):
mean that was them putting their fear on you
absolutely, absolutely, and youknow I think that that's uh.
I remember one of my coachessaying to me once the thing
thing I love about you, lillian,is your persistence.
It doesn't matter how manytimes you fall and fail and you
get back up and you just keepgoing.
All based on my passion, whichis a key to success, Lillian.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
That's why you are as awesome as you are.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Yeah as well, but it is the key to success is
sticking with what you know andwhat you.
You know where your heart isand that's the check-in for
nurses is to see you know.
Are you in the right place?
Yeah, that doesn't mean you're.
You might not be in the rightprofession, but you might not.
You might still be a nurse, butnot in the right place.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Or you just have to approach it differently.
I feel like that's a smallpercentage, but those people are
out there too.
Or you know what, like youwanted to do this so bad, you
did it and now maybe it doesn'tfit anymore.
You know what else would youwant it to do?
Speaker 2 (35:36):
What other there's so much out there.
Well, and it takes me to aquote that I've actually created
along the way, and it's thedifference between happiness and
joy.
Happiness is joy, happiness is,um is circumstantial.
I'll be happy when I retire.
I'll be happy when I'm married.
(35:56):
I'll be happy when I have thatwhite picket fence house.
I'll be happy when I have twoand a half kids.
Right, you know the standards ofexternal yeah, everything is,
I'll be happy when you know I.
I'd say to my husband at onepoint, you know he got something
.
I'd say, are you happy?
You got a new computer.
And he'd say, well, I'll behappy when it's set up and it's
running.
You know, and I'm going like,seriously, can't you be happy
(36:18):
right now?
And it's all circumstantial, andI say, whereas joy is an
attitude that defies allcircumstances.
So, regardless of how much yousay nasty things to me, I had
somebody say something nasty tome this morning, not work
related, but, and I just said,wow, it's.
You know, like what do you needto vent Like?
(36:39):
And that comes from anotherquote that says what's hurting
you so much that you feel theneed to hurt me, right?
So I'm not going to look at itas that my ego is being hurt,
but more about what's going onover there that you feel so hurt
that you feel like you need todo that for me, to me, right?
And I go, maybe it's happeningfor me, that's an opportunity
(37:02):
for me to help somebody who isin real need.
So I choose joy, I joy, I lovethat, I love that.
Yeah, beautiful perspective.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
Yeah, it's a choice.
I did a free workshop earlierthis week on like what self-love
?
But it was.
You know what, what is reallyself-love?
Self-love is unconditionalself-acceptance, and it's not
all those other things we thinkit is.
It's looking at ourselves,accepting the good, bad, the
ugly and taking challenges on.
You know, like appreciating thestruggle, finding the good in
(37:36):
it.
I just think this is abeautiful thing to do this week
of Valentine's Day with you.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Right on point Right and so interesting.
You say that because I wascoaching somebody this week and
her thing was, you know that shewanted to lose weight and she
wanted to be more fit and stufflike that.
Nothing wrong with that, that's, you know, moving towards
something.
But I said, and what if younever, your weight never changes
, and what if your arthritis orwhatever is there and will hold
(38:05):
you back?
What will it take for you toaccept that you are perfect the
way you are, still with a desireto get better?
Nothing wrong with that, no,but can you love yourself the
way you are?
Otherwise?
It's that judge coming in yeah,yeah, and she was like wow,
(38:26):
yeah, so she's working on that.
Five exercises.
You know where people look inthe mirror and they ask
themselves each you knowquestions in the in the morning
that you know we I've taken fromlisa nichols, who's a who's a
coach, and she's done thismirror exercise all her life and
it's it's really about lookingin the mirror and saying seven
times I'm proud of you, lily,and I'm proud of you for
(38:49):
whatever, and just I'm proud ofyou for whatever.
And just don't recite it Likejust whatever comes up and then
I forgive you for, and it couldbe things like I forgive you for
stealing.
You know Sammy's chocolate ingrade two.
You know it could be anythingfrom way back because of those
memories.
You know I didn't know Sammy orhave any chocolates, but you
(39:10):
know, that's an example.
Um, and then the third one isLillian.
I commit to and it could justbe, I commit to showing up to
this mirror tomorrow morning.
Lillian, I commit to huggingmyself three times today, like
you know, whatever it is, butreally looking in your own eyes
and your soul, no-transcriptyeah, I can imagine yeah, and
(39:40):
you know, when you talk aboutthe coaching, it's like I've had
a client that I introduced thatexercise to a year ago and just
last week she had, she did itonce and she said it was really
hard.
And just last week she's in adifferent place and that was
back to where we're going backto.
So it's okay that she didn't doit for a year.
That's not a judgment, right?
(40:03):
It's not a bad thing.
Was she ready?
She tried, she faced, she hadstruggles, we talked about that,
we worked on other things andthen now we're revisiting it.
Next week I'm meeting with her.
We'll see how it went.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
Yeah, oh my gosh.
I remember the first timesomeone said to me and now this
is like second nature, right,but where in your body do you
feel that emotion?
Yes, and I thought they werecrazy.
I was like what are you talkingabout?
And then, even trying toconsider, that was just seemed
(40:36):
out of this world.
And now I am so aware of thephysical sensations when I'm
overwhelmed with any emotion, sofirst place my awareness goes.
But it was so I couldn't evenfathom that that was real when
someone first said it to me.
I'm like you are crazy.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it takes time to be able to
feel that.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
I feel like it took me years years.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's often.
I remember, you know, doingleadership, leadership, coaching
circles in a hospital.
Once with these big leaders andwith the person in the learning
and development area.
I said, Well, I could do thiskind of healing circle in the
(41:15):
very formal indigenous way, orwe could do it, you know, in a
safe place for for leaderswho've never experienced
anything like this.
She goes, let's go for it.
So I went okay, I've got mypartner in this, and I remember
bringing in the you know, thecandle in the center of the
blanket and the drums and the,and you know, uh, and I started
by singing an indigenous littlesong and, um, the faces of these
(41:39):
leaders.
At that point I've been, I'dbeen coaching for a while, but
they just all went.
I'm ready to walk out of here,Like this is weird.
They were so uncomfortable.
They were so uncomfortable.
So we talked about that for thetime that we were there.
But I turned around to thelearning development person.
I said, oh my God, did we everfail here?
And I said she goes, no, itgave us information about where
(42:03):
they're at.
So now I know I need to meetpeople.
It took me that big failure to.
You know, a failure, that's.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
That's a learning failure, if you like um to
understand that you have to meetpeople where they're ready yeah
well, and you never know, theymight you never know what
happened to those people laterin their life, or they may
reference that experience oreven have referenced it later in
the day and not realize theimpact.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
You're absolutely right, you're absolutely right.
I'm still in touch with one ofthe leaders that you know, who
became a friend eventually, andshe still thinks I'm weird in
that way.
But she says, you know, shegets things a little bit more
like now the touchy feely, right.
Yeah, so that's typical, likethis particular person was even
(42:48):
somebody when I first met him,met her, I said I knew, based on
the questions, that we neededto work on her marriage.
She was a leader, we worked fora year together and it was all
corporate business, all thatkind of stuff, which was fine,
you know.
And then I was late one day andI left her with an assignment.
I said work on this while, youknow, till I get there, I'm.
Just a few minutes late she wasworking on the Blackboard and
she said okay, I'm ready, I'mready to talk about marriage.
And you know, then she gotdivorced.
(43:12):
You know, I coached her throughdivorce, coached her through
dating, and then she gotremarried and and you know, so,
been through all that journeywith her.
But again, like I say, and andyou know so, been through all
that journey with her.
But again, like I say, peopleare only ready for what they're
ready for in that moment, eventhough, as a coach, sometimes I
can see it, it's okay.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
No judgment.
Yeah, a hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
I find when uh, it's funny yousay that about like the
relationship with our husband,because in my program I like a
lot of people it's notnecessarily sometimes it's their
personal relationship withtheir spouse or loved one, but a
lot of times it's familyrelationships, other dynamics in
their family where they havepoor boundaries, where they feel
exhausted and overcommitted andresentful.
(43:51):
And I don't have those in myown personal family as much.
We have good boundaries fromtherapy, probably very young,
but I'm like, oh my gosh, I hadno idea how big of a role that
plays in so many people's lives,just a simple thing of being
able to speak those boundarieswith love to their loved ones.
It's so hard, it is.
Speaker 2 (44:10):
And love can blind.
Oh gosh.
Yes, I've got a client who'stype A personality never get
married, and people who are inmy way, I eliminate them.
This is her attitude, right?
She's a very, very strongminded individual and and then
she gets engaged and this guy isjust like she's.
(44:34):
She has no boundaries with him,she, he lets her, he basically
dictates what needs to be doneand even though she's not happy
about it, she does it.
And I'm like whoa, night andday, this day, this person like
what?
How are you going to toleratethis 20 years down the road when
you're with this individual?
Because in your natural worldyou don't tolerate that.
What makes you think that thisis okay right now?
(44:56):
but she's just so blinded byhaving a need met that he's
meeting in some way and this iswhere it's my job as the coach
to not judge it, but to justshine a light on it and let the
client come up to their ownrevelations when they're ready.
Speaker 1 (45:12):
It's her process.
Speaker 2 (45:14):
Right, it's her process, absolutely, absolutely.
And then when you have acoaching conversation like that,
and then at the end you saywhat are you walking away with,
like, what did you learn aboutyourself in this, in this
conversation?
And she was like, oh yeah, man,I'm, you know, I I've got a lot
of issues still.
I didn't realize we're stillthere and I went okay, so let's
(45:36):
talk about what you want to dowith that late next, next call.
It's okay.
But she came to that revelation.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
It's not me telling her, yeah, having a safe space
is really powerful for people tobe, able to come without
judgment, because there's a lotof people that don't have that
either, or don't think they havethat.
Speaker 2 (45:53):
You know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or to practice that muscle.
Speaker 1 (45:59):
Yeah, that's one of the things that I work with you.
We work on like developingrelationships that are already
in your life, sometimes tosupport you better, but that may
be there that you just, youknow, haven't put the energy or
trusted enough to let it.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Well, even it's funny .
You talk about relationship,because one of the trainings
that I have in coaching is theis the um, uh started off with
organizational relationshipsystems coaching.
Okay, it's all about systems,but in that we learn about you
know the relationships, what arelationship is?
Many people do not understandrelationships.
They think a relationship isyou know, it's me, it's you, and
(46:36):
no, the relation you are you,the other person is the other
person.
That's their own relationshipwith self.
And then the relationship youdeveloped is like what do I want
from this relationship?
What can I give to thisrelationship?
We know what are the boundariesI set, what am I, you know, and
with those rules or what we'veco-created together in this
(46:57):
relationship, can we be in thiskind of a relationship?
And whether it's romantic orwhether it's business doesn't
matter, it's all the same thing.
It's a third entity and we haveto be able to define it as a
third entity, because too manypeople hold on to the other
person to make them happy right,yes, you're speaking to me.
Speaker 1 (47:18):
I started my business with like a best friend of like
26 years and we lost ourfriendship over it, and now that
it's over, I realize exactlywhy.
I know exactly why it's for thebest.
It's no hard feelings, it was apersonality, ways we made up
for each other and protectedeach other for years that never
would have been successful asbusiness owners together, and it
was just being blinded by thehistory of that relationship.
(47:44):
Yeah, so so interesting.
You say that because I'm likeyes yes, I did yeah.
Speaker 2 (47:49):
And you know, when I say in a relationship, what's
the percentage each person givesinto a let's talk about an
intimate relationship?
Okay, what's the percentagethat we give into a relationship
?
oh, it depends on the day yeah,but actually many people say 50,
50 and you need to give you 50.
(48:10):
50 right, it's actually 100.
You get 100 of who you are.
My 100 today may be better thanyesterday.
We're not as good as yesterday,but I'm giving you 100 of what
I've got.
It's always 100.
So there's this exercise.
Actually, I did some leadershiptraining in spain or not as
good as yesterday, but I'mgiving you 100% of what I've got
.
It's always 100%.
So there's this exercise.
Actually, I did some leadershiptraining in Spain, where you
know, we're in a tree, we'rewalking on a rope, and my
(48:30):
partner's gone up her tree andI've gone up mine, and then
we're holding this stick and sowe have to walk along this rope.
Got nothing to hold on toexcept this stick in between us.
And the thing is, if I don'tlean in a hundred percent and
she doesn't lean in a hundredpercent, we're gonna fall.
But the thing is, if I'm afraidto lean in because I might fall
(48:50):
, she's gonna fall, we're gonnafall, we have to lean in a
hundred percent.
So I have people do that,standing up where they're, you
know, holding hands like thistogether and put their feet out
longer and longer so thatthey're leaning in and they're
going.
Well, no, you know you'rebigger than me and I'm gonna
fall.
Doesn't matter, give a hundredpercent of what you've got and
we will never fall same thingbeautiful individuals.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
Hundred percent of what I can for today for myself,
yeah beautiful gosh, so muchbeautiful stuff really rich
conversation here yes, well, um,let's see here I think we're,
we're getting there to on time,so let's.
There's one thing I askeverybody that I'd like to ask
(49:36):
you, just like when times arehard for you and you're really
struggling what is your go-toself-care that, for you, is like
your reset.
Speaker 2 (49:44):
Yeah, that's a great question and I've and I've
redefined it closer morerecently and it's really that
piece of I.
I go to that place of sayingnot what I need to do, but what
do I need right now.
And sometimes that need I'mgoing to say I've stole this
from men because men go, youknow, for the longest time I
said they nap and what's wrongwith men?
(50:06):
Why can't they stay up all day?
Why do they have to nap?
They actually have a very coolsecret that napping, whether I
sleep or not, given myselfpermission to lie down and put
my timer on or whatever, I justgo, I've really given myself
what my body needed in thatmoment.
And it's either time to sleep,which sometimes it is, or
(50:30):
sometimes it's just time to domy breathing exercises or my I
do hip exercises from this womanwho's called the workout witch
and she does.
That's where trauma is held inour hips yeah, I follow her.
Yeah, yeah.
So doing some hip exercises,doing some meditation of
breathing, um just being in inpause, stopping, is the
(50:56):
healthiest thing one can do forthem, for oneself I love that
yeah, so that's, yeah, that's.
Speaker 1 (51:02):
My secret to you is just stop stop and pause and
don't judge yourself for it,because that's, I think, a lot
of people the resting they judgethemselves while they're
resting.
It's not restful, just gottawell, because you know why?
Speaker 2 (51:13):
because they don't have anything to focus on.
So in what we call positiveintelligence reps, we call these
pq reps, we call them you'reactually focused on either
breathing or tactile or doingsomething with the senses, and
when you do that, you havesomething to focus on, and every
time your mind wanders, youjust bring it right back to what
you're focusing on.
Okay, it's just a practicetrick.
Speaker 1 (51:36):
I like that yeah, I like that.
Speaker 2 (51:38):
I was reading like that this positive intelligence
is based in neuroscience, whichI think is so cool because
there's so much cool stuffcoming out of what from, like,
neuroscience research so, oh,absolutely, when you do these pq
reps on a regular basis, likefor six to eight weeks, you can
actually see in an mri that thegray matter in your positive
thinking brain increases and thegray matter in your uh,
(51:59):
negative, where the saboteurslive decreases.
So there's actually scientificproof that this stuff works and
it works.
I'm telling you it works.
Speaker 1 (52:08):
That's really cool.
Yeah Well, Miss Lillian, whatelse do you want to leave us
with today?
Speaker 2 (52:16):
Oh, I'm just thrilled to have that conversation with
you, jenny.
I think you're such asweetheart, you've got an open
heart, you're you know, from thefirst time I met you and we met
in Nurses TransformingHealthcare, which is a group if
you guys don't knownursestransforminghealthcareorg
something to look into.
I mean, what can I say otherthan you don't have to commit to
(52:41):
anything by reaching out toeither Jenny or myself and
saying I just need to talk, canyou listen to me, and then you
get to choose.
I never force anybody to gojoin programs or do anything.
I say you get to choose what'snext for you.
So don't be afraid to pick upthe phone or book time with
(53:01):
someone.
Get what you need during thattime and then choose.
You get to choose.
And if anybody tries to sellyou something so hard and pushy,
that's because it's about themand it's not about you.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
Yep, yep, agreed, agreed.
Beautiful advice and there's somuch free stuff, free resources
out there.
Williams weekly group isamazing for nurses.
Speaker 2 (53:25):
So, yeah, yeah, so I'll, I'll put the link to both
those things and we'll uh, youknow and go from there.
Speaker 1 (53:31):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (53:32):
All right.
Speaker 1 (53:32):
Well, it's been a pleasure.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (53:34):
Yes, Thank you, jenny , you take care.
Hello and welcome to Empowered Ease.
My guest today is LillianDeFries.
She is a certified coach whoworks with unstoppable women who
want to find more peace andbalance in their lives.
She is also a Canadian nurse.
Welcome, lillian, thank you.
Thank you.
Glad to be here, jenny.
I'm so happy you're here todaytoo.
(00:23):
Glad to be here, jenny.
I'm so happy you're here todaytoo.
Lillian and I met throughanother nonprofit nursing
organization and I happened toset up a one-on-one call and
found out Lillian herself isdoing a lot of amazing things.
So tell us a little bit aboutthat.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Yeah, so I started way back as a nurse and then
moved into working with myparents in restaurant business.
My parents are from France, sowe had a French French
restaurant and and then did somecustomer service and management
in health, in pharmaceuticals,and it came right back to
(01:00):
coaching, which is because I waslooking for an answer from
nursing.
What else could I do?
And I think that that's where alot of nurses answer from
nursing.
What else could I do?
And I think that that's where alot of nurses are these days.
What else can I do?
And the thing, the common themethat I would hear is I don't
know how to do anything else butnursing, and I was like you
absolutely do.
You just haven't discovered ityet.
So nursing in itself is so manyskills, so many skills, you know
(01:22):
, and we think it's only inhealthcare and in nursing, but
it's.
It's definitely not.
It's, it's a lot more.
So, yeah, I went into, Idiscovered workplace wellness
and health promotion that wasthe buzzword.
Well, you know wellness.
And and through that Idiscovered coaching and decided
to get into coaching.
And here I was.
I remember the first time Istarted that first week of
(01:44):
coaching intense program that Iwas in.
I was sitting there thinkinghow much I wanted to help other
people and I walked out of thatroom that first week thinking I
am so messed up I'm not going tohelp anybody.
I need help, you know.
And it was the realization andworking through my process that
I realized how much I needed todo my work before I could help
(02:05):
anybody else.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
So tell me, when you were a nurse, what kind of where
did you work?
What kind of nursing did you do?
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Yeah, so I worked mostly in.
I worked in Ontario, in Canada,and I did oncology, nursing.
So I had a variety of differentlike.
We did cardiology, we didgeneral medicine, women's health
, but mostly it was oncology.
Loved it because I kept seeingpatients coming back every month
for their treatments, got toknow them very closely and I was
(02:37):
able to, as I say, have everyemotion with my patients.
I could walk into my rounds anddo French can-can dancing with
them and the next thing, youknow, I'd be pulling the curtain
and crying with them.
So the the.
You know I was already in thatcoaching mode but I just needed
some more skills and refining toknow how to use it properly.
And on myself first.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Right, right.
That's where we all, well, andwe're all still.
It's a process, right, never?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
it never stops no, I uh.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
My first job like uh in, I guess you would say
wellness was backpacking withtroubled teens.
It was a therapeuticintervention program and I that
was some of the very toptherapists out there rocked my
world.
I was like whoa, I have so muchwork to do myself.
But luckily I felt like I gotfree therapy working there.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Yeah, it's so true, though it's like we think and
we're such givers I meanespecially nurses right, we're
such givers and we care forothers, and we forget to look at
ourselves and care for what weneed.
Not what we need to do, butwhat we need.
And that's the big question Iask myself every day what do you
(03:49):
know?
Speaker 3 (03:49):
when I'm in that whirlwind it's like okay, calm
down, not what I need to do,what do?
Speaker 2 (03:51):
I need right now and that pause, which I think is
what coaching is really.
It's taking a moment with your,with your coach, and pausing
and saying Okay, let me think.
Where am I in my life?
Am I in the right direction?
Am I doing what I want to bedoing?
Is my heart in a passionateplace, or am I just surviving?
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Yeah, is what I wanted, used to want and been
driving so hard for still what Iwant now.
Am I still aligned with thatpurpose?
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Yeah, for sure, for sure, and our circumstances
change, so our wants and ourdesires and what we're exposed
to changes, and so, therefore,permission to not always know
what we want.
Sometimes it's just stoppingand revisiting and saying is
this still what I want, right,yeah, pretty cool.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
I love that.
So, tell me working inworkplace wellness.
Now, did you work in healthcare?
Did you work in corporate?
What kind of workplace wellnessdid you do?
Speaker 2 (04:43):
I worked in corporate , believe it or not, I worked in
a pharmaceutical.
Oh, wow.
Well, I worked in atelecommunication company in my
training and then I went inpharmaceuticals and, um, and
yeah, it was, it was.
It was very interesting because, you know, I thought healthcare
was so toxic.
And then I went to you you knowpharmaceuticals and other
companies and I thought it'sjust as toxic it is.
(05:07):
You know, everybody's trying tosurvive and and it's like
everybody's got this thing to dofor the day or, and they're,
they've got this tunnel visionand if anybody comes and cuts
off and and interrupts them youknow whether it be a call bell
from a patient or from a managerwho's calling you or whatever
then we're disrupted and we, weget all emotional and we start
being angry and we don't knowhow to cope with those emotions.
(05:29):
Hence emotional intelligence,positive intelligence, which I'm
trained in, it's all thosethings about what.
What are we really trying toaccomplish?
Because we can have fabulousintentions, but the impact we
have is not matching what ourintentions are.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
So yeah, it's, and I look, you know, and specifically
working with nurses, I look atnursing because they're such
caring individuals and theydon't stop to care for
themselves they don't stop tocare for themselves.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Yeah, this is something Lily and I Lily and I
have talked about.
A lot is like.
Nurses are probably some of theleast likely people to reach
out and take help for themselves, and at times I know over the
past they've been some of theunhealthiest people, and it's we
we were trying to figure outwhy here.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah, so.
So one of the things that hascome across my you know, my path
over the 20 plus years thatI've been doing this has been,
you know, when I asked nurses,why don't you?
You know you've got anopportunity here to invest in
yourself and and do good foryourself, to take care of
yourself and have a partner onyour journey.
Right, because you don't haveto do this alone, alone, you
(06:44):
don't have to figure it outalone.
And women you know men outthere as nurses, but you know
I'm talking the the typicalwoman is like she thinks she has
to fix it all herself yeah, andwomen especially need community
to be able to validateourselves.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
We need other people, we need other women yeah, and
we need the sounding board.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
That's why coaching works so powerfully in nursing,
and the nurses that I've workedwith have walked away like
knowing each other for, you know, 20 years working together, and
they turn around and go.
Well, I didn't know, you knewthat, or I didn't know, you
thought that way or felt thatway, and it was such a wake-up
call and I say why don't youinvest in yourself?
And the response that I getoften, often, which, just you
(07:28):
know, to this day baffles me, isthe system owes me.
They should be paying foranything that I need.
They owe me and I go.
You're absolutely right, thesystem owes you.
First of all, who's the system?
That's not a person.
It's not somebody with you knowmoney in their pocket.
Who's the system?
Who's running the system andhow's that working for you?
Waiting for the system to payfor something for you or to look
(07:50):
after yourself?
Yeah, I look at so many otherprofessionals that I work with
in organizations.
They all invest in themselves.
They don't wait for the systemto look after them.
So why are nurses doing that?
You know why are they doingthat and I'll tell you.
I think part of the reason isnurses are in this survival.
(08:14):
You know this.
I call it almost like a warzone building.
You know, when you think aboutthe hospital, it's almost like
this war zone that you're in andby the time you get to escape
for a few hours to go home toyour family and you know to rest
, you're exhausted and you don'tsee anything else.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
And overstimulated and you've had no time to
yourself all day.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Yeah, we need to make that happen.
You and I both, Jenny we we'vemade time for ourselves.
We forced that time onourselves, even today.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah, it took me a long time though it took me some
pretty serious healthconsequences before I opened my
eyes and realized like, if Idon't do something about this,
I'm going to end up one of thesepatients.
And that's what was my wake-upcall, because to me that would
be hell if I ended up being apatient in one of the ICs I was
working in.
But I don't know what peopleneed to hear.
(09:07):
But I also wonder, like, when Ilook at nurses, if there's I
mean, I think there's so manyfactors, like you know.
I think the people that aredrawn to be nurses sometimes are
more people pleasers, peoplewho are more likely not all, but
I think more likely to neglectthemselves in some way.
I think there's a highpercentage of nurses, like 68,
(09:29):
or healthcare workers in general, that have experienced, like
childhood trauma, neglect, allthose things too, which I think
only add to the stress and theexhaustion when you get into the
work environment that you'renot prepared for.
That is like a hundred miles anhour all the time.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Very true, and though nursing is changing with the
new generations coming in, theydon't have and again, this is a
general statement, right, butthey don't have that expectation
of themselves or even of theirsurroundings, the way the older
nurses do, you know, the moreseasoned nurses, and so what
(10:10):
we're finding is that nurses aregoing in, young nurses are
going in for a year or two andthen leaving because they're not
tolerating this.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Yeah, under 25 is the highest burnout rate and if you
think about like after themgoing and schooling and stuff,
they have barely not nothingwrong with that.
But they have not been in theprofession very long at all.
That is that is great.
Well, it's scary.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
It's scary for our future if you it is, but does
that tell you a little bit aboutour you know our generations,
about how much we tolerate incertain generations and other
generations that say, no, thisis not happening.
This is.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I'm proud of them honestly because I think they're
going to be the ones to changeit, because it's going to cause
the system to have to dosomething differently.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
So I would like to see them get involved in helping
change what healthcare can looklike, what nurses, what the
profession can look like.
And we've got to stop bashingthe profession.
We've got to rebirth theprofession, if you like, right,
and make it, and make it, uh,what we think it should be.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
You know, I, I, I.
I would love your advice on howto do that, because I think for
a lot of nurses like for me itwas I had to at some point
separate nursing from healthcareand I don't think I did that
for a long time.
I was so angry, like I justwanted to leave.
I didn't want to do it anymore.
I felt taken advantage of, um,mostly by the system, sometimes
(11:28):
by people but patients and, butmostly by the system.
And I think it was until Iuntil I found a community on
LinkedIn, honestly, of othernurses who are trying to make a
difference, who are out theretalking, who are doing research,
who are speaking, that Ithought, oh my gosh, there are
people out there trying.
It's just when I'm bedside.
I had no awareness that thatwas going on and that nursing,
(11:51):
you know, I just lost, lost mypride in nursing and I regained
it when I found all these womenlike oh, this is why we're
nurses.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
Right, right.
However, at the same time, thedanger in some of these groups
is that we end up being alltogether with a place to bitch
about things.
Yeah, war story.
We want to find the supportivegroups that.
You know that statement thatyou become the five people you
hang around with the most yeah,I love it.
(12:20):
I want to become that positiveperson who has hope and
inspiration for the profession,who can use the amazing skills
and leadership skills thatnurses have to recreate things.
And if it doesn't mean yourenergy isn't recreating the
nursing profession, it can bejust recreating your life and
(12:41):
helping others recreate theirlife.
You know there's a tool herejust recreating your life and
helping others recreate theirlife.
You know there's a tool here,and one of the things that I
started to do was um, and andand I'm I'm about to relaunch
this um.
So there's an invitation.
I was charging for this and atthis point now I'm saying no, I
I'm so passionate about it.
I've got a group called jointhe movement nurses reclaiming,
(13:03):
you know, their their life,basically.
So it's bringing nursestogether on a regular basis to
have the positive conversationsto say what are my challenges
and how have I worked throughthem to help others who are
trying to find a way, and alsoto even say I'm having a
challenge.
Does anybody know how to help?
How to help me, you know, to bejust in that place of having
(13:26):
those conversations, and itcould be celebrating things that
are non-nursing, it doesn'tmatter, that's so powerful
because I came.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
I come from like a non-healthcare family, so
whenever I come home, like Ihave my coworkers, but you know,
there's a level that we keepour coworkers at for the most
part.
But I came home and no one.
Even when I tried to talk, tovent, it just never felt
satisfying because people justnever really understood it.
So I can't even imagine howpowerful a group of people who
get it would be.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Who get it and from their own perspectives, because
one of the things I justfinished doing is a webinar on
worldviews.
Where do we get our worldviewsfrom?
You know our experiences, whatwe've been taught, our beliefs,
you know, historically, allthose kinds of things add up to
our world views and so,collectively, if we can share
those views without beingattached to my view, is right,
(14:18):
but more about what are theviews, and then I get to choose.
Right, yeah, I mean, that'sthat's important piece.
And you know, I want to go backa little bit to what you were
saying.
What, what got you to the placethat you are today is you had to
go through the burnout, etc.
Right, well, I went throughthat.
I wasn't in nursing directlyanymore, but I was still
(14:41):
involved with nursing and I wasstill involved with nursing and
I was still and I was, you know,rediscovering myself and
becoming a coach at that time.
And I remember this Saturdaymorning when I, you know, my
husband was still in bed, thekids were upstairs, you know,
playing and I was doing thedishes I don't know what it is
with, you know, doing dishes andthe suds in the water.
(15:03):
But that's the place where ourminds just start thinking, and
thinking, and thinking, and Icould you know my tears were
falling into the sink as I wascrying and going.
I didn't sign up for this.
This is not the life I wanted.
And you know, breaking down, andI remember calling my husband,
calling the kids, and nobodyresponded.
And then down comes the Germanshepherd and gives me this kind
(15:26):
of look you know what's going onand I took off, I took my purse
and I left, and I left for two,three days and I just drove and
I, you know, listened to everysad song I could listen to on
the radio, because I don't knowwhat it is.
It's sort of like oh, you,artists, you get me, you
understand me.
You know, I was looking forthat, that that connection, and
(15:47):
I came back and, um, you know,thought, okay, I can do this, I
can, I can, you know, just getback and, you know, be a better
person.
And all this and that cyclejust came right back again
because, you know, you foolyourself, right, you tell
yourself things and you justhave the support, a band-aid on
it yeah.
So I came back one day and Isaid that was sort of like the
(16:07):
breaking point.
And I came back, it wassaturday morning and my husband
and my kids were sitting at thetable and I said I'd like to
talk to you guys about somethingand I said I'm taking a what I
call uh.
At that time I called itproject lil um and you know,
today I call it mission me withmy clients.
Right, it's that place and Idon't expect anybody to do what
(16:27):
I did.
But our mission me is whateverthat means to each person, but
my project little was honey, I'mtaking a six-month sabbatical
from being your wife, kids, frombeing your mother, my parents
upstairs, from being yourdaughter.
I am looking after me and I,you know, I had this vision of
(16:47):
maybe what it would look like,right, and I said I'm moving out
of the bedroom.
Sweetie, can you imagine myhusband's face, like are we
divorcing?
Like what's going on?
You know, like I mean, and mykids were sort of like oh yeah,
in one ear or the other, becauseyou know, there she goes again,
because you know mothers werealways like that, complaining,
and then things just go back tonormal.
And so I did.
(17:10):
I moved out of the bedroom, Imoved into a different part of
the house and I remember thebiggest lesson I learned was in
that first hour, not in the sixmonths, in the first hour.
And that lesson was I had fullpermission to look after me.
I now had nobody to blame.
Oh, my word, I couldn't blamemy husband for my unhappiness.
I couldn't blame my husband formy unhappiness.
I couldn't blame my kids for myunhappiness.
(17:32):
I couldn't blame my parents formy unhappiness.
I couldn't blame anybody.
It was all me.
The only person who couldchange anything was me.
Oh, that was like.
And I sat there and I cried andI just bawled and I just thought
well, now, what do I do?
Because it's all up to me.
That's when I started to applysome of the coaching that I had
learned.
You know the discovery.
And I just bawled and I justthought well, now what do I do?
(17:53):
Because it's all up to me?
That's when I started to applysome of the coaching that I had
learned.
You know the discovery ofmyself.
I started to do some meditation, tried to wake up at four in
the morning and do it like themonks.
Do you know that didn't work.
I had to find my way right.
I had to do my journaling.
I had to do my stuff.
You know discovery, which I nowdeveloped a program and I work
with people for a year, you know, working with them at their
(18:14):
pace, not asking them to leavetheir spouse or their family.
That's not at all what this isabout.
It's about how do you want tomake it happen and how can I
support you, and so that's whatI did, but I tell you it was the
best thing I ever did.
Now did you move back into thebest thing I ever did.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
I learned Now.
Did you move back into thebedroom?
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Yeah, yeah, and I thought my marriage was over.
My marriage is in a great place.
It wasn't.
You know, here I was trying tofix everybody else, because they
were the problem.
It wasn't them.
I had to look at myself andwhen I changed my attitude, when
I, you know, there's this greatquote by Wayne Dyer who says
when you change the way you lookat things, the things you look
(18:53):
at change.
That's exactly what I did.
I started to change the way Ilooked at things and things
changed.
My husband wasn't the problem,my kids weren't the problem, my
parents weren't the problem.
Sure, there's issues.
I mean always will be right,yeah, but I knew perfect, yeah,
(19:13):
yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so that's, that's my story,that's really my story.
That got me to where I am heretoday.
And I, you know, and I was thatunstoppable woman, like I'd get
back up and, you know, fallflat on my face and then get
right back up and start over andredo the same things I was
doing, still blaming others.
Well, you know, and it's hardto look at yourself.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
It's simple, but it's hard.
Oh my gosh, it's so hard.
It's so hard, it's scary.
It's terrifying at first.
It's absolutely terrifying,yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
So so that's why we need to do things at the pace of
the person.
Who's who's doing this?
I don't expect anybody to do itthe way I did it.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
And you know my burnout program is a flex
program because I found likethere's just some parts of it
that people get held up on.
They need more time with likecause.
You don't realize where some ofthese things are coming from.
Sometimes they're very deeplyrooted in things that are scary,
and so people need time yeahthey do need time.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
And, and you know and do, am I that perfect person
today?
Absolutely not.
Time.
And you know and do, am I thatperfect person today?
Absolutely not.
I still look at myselfsometimes I go oh, I can't
believe I was blaming him forthis, or you know or yeah, and
I've got to look at myself.
That's where the mirror isalways.
That's better fact, the mirroris always there.
No joke, the mirror is alwayshere, right, it's.
It's like I remind myself whereis this about you, you know?
Speaker 1 (20:28):
yeah, how do you help women find that place?
I mean I, how do you?
Where do you start with women?
Speaker 2 (20:35):
well, you know I think the the most powerful
place that I've started withmost people seems to be the
place is about the negativechatter that we have in our
brain, um, and scientifically,and positive intelligence, the
studies that have been donearound that is that the more we
listen to those saboteur voices,the more we feed into it.
There's a story basically aboutthe old Cherokee who says to
(20:56):
his grandson you know that oneright.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
You're the second person to bring it up on this
podcast, and I.
It's so beautiful, let's say itagain please.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Yeah, it's basically the old Cherokee says there's,
you know, two wolves that liveinside our brain and it's like
they're fighting.
One is the evil wolf, you know,with all the negative things,
the ego, you know, the pride,the guilt, the shame, all those
kinds of feelings, and thenyou've got the good wolf.
That's, you know, joy, passion,patience, curiosity, all those
(21:27):
things.
And the little boy says, well,who wins?
And the Cher boy says, well,the who wins?
And the Cherokee says, the oneyou feed and so I remember that
yeah so when you know you getpeople who start negative
chatter, I just go.
I get a choice here do I feedthat evil wolf or do I go and
step into my, my good wolf?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
yeah, not that there's not a place to get
things out, but then you have tomove on.
You know you have to decidewhat you have control over, what
you don't have control over,what you don't have control over
, you got to let go.
For me that was huge inhealthcare because there's so
much to be frustrated about, somuch that's outside our control
that, you see, go wrong.
You know, and it hurts becauseyou care.
And for me, when I could findthat detachment is when I could
(22:13):
go back to work.
But it took like I had tookthree months off and was having
a lot of trouble going back.
And now when I go back, I thinksome of the younger nurses
cause I'm like detachment, youhave to detach from some things.
Look at me a little coldly butI'm like no, this is a self
preservation, because if youattach yourself to all those
things you have no control,You're just suffering, to suffer
.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Yes, yes, yeah.
So in positive intelligence wetalk about the master of all
saboteurs is the judge.
We judge ourselves.
We judge others and we judgecircumstances and when I go back
to healthcare, you know that'sa circumstance, like we're
judging the system.
But who is the system and whereare we responsible for things?
Right, yeah, that judge is sopowerful and then he takes on
(22:51):
his accomplices.
Well, my top accomplice is thecontroller.
If I can't control things, Iget in with my other accomplice
who avoids, so I step away void.
So I gotta catch myself onthose things.
To this very day, I still haveto catch myself with stuff you
know, when I get upset withsomebody because it's not,
they're not not doing it my way,then I go.
(23:12):
Okay, hang on a second.
Is it me right now or is it mysaboteur?
The controller was trying tocontrol everything.
Okay, buddy, time to get away,it's.
I don't need you right now, youjust make it worse.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Yeah so that sounds powerful.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Yeah, yeah.
So that sounds powerful.
Talking to yourself is okay.
Yeah, it's all good.
Yeah, so what kind of?
When you talk about your calls,I thought these what were they
called?
Nurses reclaim life.
Are those daily?
Is that what I read?
Speaker 2 (23:47):
No, so the Nursing Reclaim your Life is a weekly
call.
A weekly call, okay, join themovement?
Okay, and we're just doing acall to step in and say where
are we Introduce ourselves?
You know, when I started this,I had people from South Africa,
from France, from you knowdifferent places that I've
worked in, because you know ourstuff is our stuff, it doesn't
(24:09):
matter where you're living.
Because you know our stuff isour stuff, it doesn't matter
where you're living.
And you know if you can compareyourself.
I mean, when I look at stuff inSouth Africa, I go why are they
complaining here in Canada orin the States, right?
However that's our reality.
Right, go back to.
You know our worldviews.
That's our reality, and whensomething shifts from that, it's
as disturbing as it is tosomebody who's got it worse.
You know, and so it's asdisturbing as it is to somebody
(24:30):
who's got it worse, you know,and so it's not a comparison
game.
It's about our own perspectiveon it.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Yeah, I always try to frame things like a child
therapist told me this once thatI think about it all the time,
like the worst thing that youthey've ever experienced is the
worst thing they've everexperienced, and that and I
think about that with adults allthe time like, yeah, you know,
it's their perspective, it'stheir world.
You know, so little things canhave a big impact for people.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Well, and the thing I love about that is that that
tells me that nobody gets to bewrong, that we are all right.
So if you say to me, this isyou know, this is how you see
the world, or what's going on,and I go you know, that's your
truth and I can't deny eventhough it may not be my truth, I
(25:13):
can't deny you your truth,that's your truth.
So what do we need to do tohelp you deal with that
perspective so that you're noteaten away by it?
Yeah, how do we bring thatpeace to you, to you, so that
you can feel okay, I don't havecontrol over this.
I'm trying to controleverything around me.
(25:35):
What do I have control over?
What do I really want?
Because half the time when Itell people, so what do you want
?
And they say to me, well, Idon't want to be married to this
guy anymore and I don't wantthis job, I go.
I am so clear on what you don'twant.
What do you want?
I don't know.
Yeah, that's the.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
That's the real issue , huh.
I found that in burnout, myburnout program Sometimes some
people it's not about likeleaving the profession either,
like they love what they do.
They just need to find a newway to approach it to make it
fit their life, because what theway they've been doing it is
not working Right.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
And and, and part of that is also, you know, dealing
with the, the, you know thenegative people around you.
So I remember a time when, whenyou know, the environment was
not good and I and I was so sickof being around these people
and I brought in bag of beingaround these people and I
brought in bagels and creamcheese for the whole, not just
our department but thedepartment around us as well.
(26:36):
And one guy comes up to me andhe says why did you bring bagels
and cream cheese?
And I said, actually, becauseI'm so tired of the negativity,
I just wanted to do somethinggood, and probably today, with
nutrition, it wouldn't be bagelsand cream cheese.
But at that point it was, yeah,but.
But you know, I brought it in.
And he said well, it's going totake a hell of a lot more than
bagels and cream cheese tochange this place.
And I went well, it's a goodstart.
(26:58):
But you know, you, you, ifthat's not for you, that's fine
the end of the day.
he came up to me he said thankyou, it really did make a
difference and I went well, I'mglad you saw it.
You know, and that's it.
It's make a difference and Iwent.
Well, I'm glad you saw it andthat's it.
It's not a judgment.
That's where he was and do itanyway.
As much as you might haveresistance around you, do it
(27:20):
anyway, because people willeventually say, yeah, you know
what, maybe this isn't so bad.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
So tell me how you, what are the ways that you work
with women, what are ways thatwomen can find you work with you
?
Tell me a little bit about that.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Yeah, so what I'll do is I'll give you a link to my
calendar, and I think that's thebest way.
So somebody can you know, reachout and have a conversation
with me to see where they're at.
I mean, not everybody's in thesame place, and maybe it's not
coaching that you need, maybeit's a different kind of support
that you need or other thingsthat need to happen first.
Right, so that would be thefirst thing to do is to have a
(27:59):
conversation, and I'm justrebuilding my website right now,
so there'll be more thingsaround that and I'll be able to
let people know.
However, in that, in that frameof mind, when people approach me
, then I say, okay, so what arethe struggles that you see and
where would you like to be?
And I know it's reallyinteresting because I worked
(28:20):
with somebody who's 20 years oldjust the other day and he said
to me you know, how do I knowwhen I got there, when I've
arrived?
And I love that questionbecause it's sort of like you
know, how do I know when I gotthere, when I've arrived, and I
love that question because it'ssort of like you know, okay, I'm
going to work with you as acoach for a year.
You know you're going to be and, by the way, I do VIP coaching
so which means that you don'tonly get calls regular calls
with me, but if there'ssomething you're struggling with
(28:42):
in between, I'm a text away,I'm an email away and even maybe
even a phone call away at thatpoint.
Right, yeah, so having somebodyby your side that you can count
on at the at the time you needit, not just on your regular
meetings, you know, uh, it'simportant.
So I said to this guy well,what's the it that would have
you know?
You're there, like what doesthat look like?
(29:04):
Right, so well, I don't knowsuccess, I go.
What is success?
Yeah, you know money andwhatever.
And I said, well, how muchmoney you know?
All these things?
Like you really have to breakit down to know.
And I said, and that's so, Itake the wheel of life you know
for some who don't know.
You've got your, your wheel,divided into different pieces
(29:25):
and you've got, you know, yourcareer, your health, your
finances, etc.
Right, and you score it fromzero to 10, zero being it's the
worst it could be, 10 being thebest it could be.
And what's really interesting,even for myself, is that you
might be an eight and you say,well, here's a 10.
And, working with me, we mightmove to a nine or a 10 or
whatever.
(29:45):
But when you redo the wheel,you might be back at a seven or
an eight and you think, but I'vemoved forward.
Why am I at a seven and eight?
Because your 10 has now changed.
You've expanded what you reallywant, because you're clearer on
it, and that's really where youarrive, as I said to this young
man.
I said, where you arrive iswhere you're arriving, where
(30:06):
you're heading right now, butyou're always changing where
you're going and what you'retrying to achieve.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Yeah, and that's okay , it's like that quote, like aim
for the moon, you land upon thestars.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
No.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
I don't know that quote.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Yeah, it's like if you're, if you reach.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
If you're, if you're aiming for the moon like you,
don't have to worry, because ifyou miss, you still land upon
the stars like exactly, exactly,and half the time it's not
where you're going anyway yeah,you know it's it's.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
It's always changing, it's always evolving.
Because you're evolving, you'reshowing up every day as a
different person, a newperspective, new way of seeing
things, and you test it.
You test these tools that we,you know, we we talk about and
work on, and then you say, yeah,I like that, but here's how it
worked with so-and-so, but maybe, you know, with this person it
(30:56):
didn't work as well.
What do I need to do here?
So having that partner to talkthings about and and how to move
forward with things, soprecious, I mean, I still work
with a coach.
You know I've been doing thisfor what?
25 years now.
I still work with a coach.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
You know I've been doing this for 25 years now, I
still work with my coach.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
You know a couple.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, that's.
That's the good thing aboutbeing a coach is you do have a
couple.
You have the formal one thatyou pay and the other ones that
just you know you can lean onevery now and then.
Yeah, yeah so true, so true,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
That's what helped me through my burnout.
Honestly, I went throughtherapy.
I saw tons of doctors and itwas working with coaches,
one-on-one.
That was it.
Helped me heal.
It helped me figure out exactly, get to the root of it.
It was much more impact Notthat I didn't get things out of
therapy, because I did and I'mglad I went, and I think they
actually go hand in hand verywell, because you don't always
(31:51):
know what you're going to comeup against in coaching.
I usually advise my clients toat least have a therapist at
some point, because I really dothink some of that stuff you hit
you don't expect to sometimesand you need a little help
sorting it out.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Yeah, yeah.
So sometimes clients do workwith therapists and coach at the
same time and sometimes theyreally have to go with therapy
first, or you know, or viceversa, whatever.
But absolutely, you'reabsolutely right.
And what I love about that,that kind of brings me to where
I work with balance, with women.
You know, we're never balancedin all areas and I think that
that's, that's the falseinformation that we have, at
(32:26):
least that's my truth for now,and that's the place of when I'm
working my coach, maybe I'mdeveloping my business and how
I'm getting in the way of mybusiness.
Then I might be working on myrelationship and where am I
might be getting in the way ofmy relationship, you know.
So it's all.
It's all intertwined, but it'snever everything at once.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
You know I'm going to tell you another quote I love.
Now you're bringing all thequotes out of me today, but
there's one called it says likeyou can have everything you want
, but just not at once.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Yes, yes, it's so true, yeah, and then we define
well, what do you want?
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Prioritizing.
Yeah, that game a lot yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Yeah, lot, yeah, yeah , and.
And things happen in life andthey don't happen to us, they
happen for us.
So stopping and pausing andsaying why is this happening?
Without judgment, becauseremember that the master judge
there can come in and judgeeverything.
It's more about wonder why thisis happening and where is it
guiding me to you know thatresiliency mindset is so
(33:32):
powerful.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's the pause in askingthe questions and waiting for
the answer.
We don't.
I mean, the answers are allwithin us, but sometimes we've
got to dig a little deeper forthem, or?
Even more spatial Right.
And ask the question and waitfor the answer without expecting
(33:56):
the answer right to be acertain thing, being open to
what comes.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
What what's there?
Speaker 2 (34:00):
yeah, curiosity it's so cool to be curious and say,
whoa, you know, um, and thetests that we have in life.
I remember at one point when Iwas doing my coaching and my
family said to me this is just ahobby, this is not a job,
because you know you'restruggling at the beginning, you
know trying to bring clients inand stuff like that at the very
beginning of a business.
(34:20):
And I remember saying don't youever dare take away what I'm
passionate about.
You don't have that right.
I get to make the decisions ofwhat's a hobby or what's a job
for me, but don't ever take thataway from me.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
and that was probably their fear of seeing you fail
and get hurt.
Anyway, you know what I?
Speaker 2 (34:41):
mean that was them putting their fear on you
absolutely, absolutely, and youknow I think that that's uh.
I remember one of my coachessaying to me once the thing
thing I love about you, lillian,is your persistence.
It doesn't matter how manytimes you fall and fail and you
get back up and you just keepgoing.
All based on my passion, whichis a key to success, Lillian.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
That's why you are as awesome as you are.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Yeah as well, but it is the key to success is
sticking with what you know andwhat you.
You know where your heart isand that's the check-in for
nurses is to see you know.
Are you in the right place?
Yeah, that doesn't mean you're.
You might not be in the rightprofession, but you might not.
You might still be a nurse, butnot in the right place.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Or you just have to approach it differently.
I feel like that's a smallpercentage, but those people are
out there too.
Or you know what, like youwanted to do this so bad, you
did it and now maybe it doesn'tfit anymore.
You know what else would youwant it to do?
Speaker 2 (35:36):
What other there's so much out there.
Well, and it takes me to aquote that I've actually created
along the way, and it's thedifference between happiness and
joy.
Happiness is joy, happiness is,um is circumstantial.
I'll be happy when I retire.
I'll be happy when I'm married.
(35:56):
I'll be happy when I have thatwhite picket fence house.
I'll be happy when I have twoand a half kids.
Right, you know the standards ofexternal yeah, everything is,
I'll be happy when you know I.
I'd say to my husband at onepoint, you know he got something
.
I'd say, are you happy?
You got a new computer.
And he'd say, well, I'll behappy when it's set up and it's
running.
You know, and I'm going like,seriously, can't you be happy
(36:18):
right now?
And it's all circumstantial, andI say, whereas joy is an
attitude that defies allcircumstances.
So, regardless of how much yousay nasty things to me, I had
somebody say something nasty tome this morning, not work
related, but, and I just said,wow, it's.
You know, like what do you needto vent Like?
(36:39):
And that comes from anotherquote that says what's hurting
you so much that you feel theneed to hurt me, right?
So I'm not going to look at itas that my ego is being hurt,
but more about what's going onover there that you feel so hurt
that you feel like you need todo that for me, to me, right?
And I go, maybe it's happeningfor me, that's an opportunity
(37:02):
for me to help somebody who isin real need.
So I choose joy, I joy, I lovethat, I love that.
Yeah, beautiful perspective.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
Yeah, it's a choice.
I did a free workshop earlierthis week on like what self-love
?
But it was.
You know what, what is reallyself-love?
Self-love is unconditionalself-acceptance, and it's not
all those other things we thinkit is.
It's looking at ourselves,accepting the good, bad, the
ugly and taking challenges on.
You know, like appreciating thestruggle, finding the good in
(37:36):
it.
I just think this is abeautiful thing to do this week
of Valentine's Day with you.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Right on point Right and so interesting.
You say that because I wascoaching somebody this week and
her thing was, you know that shewanted to lose weight and she
wanted to be more fit and stufflike that.
Nothing wrong with that, that's, you know, moving towards
something.
But I said, and what if younever, your weight never changes
, and what if your arthritis orwhatever is there and will hold
(38:05):
you back?
What will it take for you toaccept that you are perfect the
way you are, still with a desireto get better?
Nothing wrong with that, no,but can you love yourself the
way you are?
Otherwise?
It's that judge coming in yeah,yeah, and she was like wow,
(38:26):
yeah, so she's working on that.
Five exercises.
You know where people look inthe mirror and they ask
themselves each you knowquestions in the in the morning
that you know we I've taken fromlisa nichols, who's a who's a
coach, and she's done thismirror exercise all her life and
it's it's really about lookingin the mirror and saying seven
times I'm proud of you, lily,and I'm proud of you for
(38:49):
whatever, and just I'm proud ofyou for whatever.
And just don't recite it Likejust whatever comes up and then
I forgive you for, and it couldbe things like I forgive you for
stealing.
You know Sammy's chocolate ingrade two.
You know it could be anythingfrom way back because of those
memories.
You know I didn't know Sammy orhave any chocolates, but you
(39:10):
know, that's an example.
Um, and then the third one isLillian.
I commit to and it could justbe, I commit to showing up to
this mirror tomorrow morning.
Lillian, I commit to huggingmyself three times today, like
you know, whatever it is, butreally looking in your own eyes
and your soul, no-transcriptyeah, I can imagine yeah, and
(39:40):
you know, when you talk aboutthe coaching, it's like I've had
a client that I introduced thatexercise to a year ago and just
last week she had, she did itonce and she said it was really
hard.
And just last week she's in adifferent place and that was
back to where we're going backto.
So it's okay that she didn't doit for a year.
That's not a judgment, right?
(40:03):
It's not a bad thing.
Was she ready?
She tried, she faced, she hadstruggles, we talked about that,
we worked on other things andthen now we're revisiting it.
Next week I'm meeting with her.
We'll see how it went.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
Yeah, oh my gosh.
I remember the first timesomeone said to me and now this
is like second nature, right,but where in your body do you
feel that emotion?
Yes, and I thought they werecrazy.
I was like what are you talkingabout?
And then, even trying toconsider, that was just seemed
(40:36):
out of this world.
And now I am so aware of thephysical sensations when I'm
overwhelmed with any emotion, sofirst place my awareness goes.
But it was so I couldn't evenfathom that that was real when
someone first said it to me.
I'm like you are crazy.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it takes time to be able to
feel that.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
I feel like it took me years years.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's often.
I remember, you know, doingleadership, leadership, coaching
circles in a hospital.
Once with these big leaders andwith the person in the learning
and development area.
I said, Well, I could do thiskind of healing circle in the
(41:15):
very formal indigenous way, orwe could do it, you know, in a
safe place for for leaderswho've never experienced
anything like this.
She goes, let's go for it.
So I went okay, I've got mypartner in this, and I remember
bringing in the you know, thecandle in the center of the
blanket and the drums and the,and you know, uh, and I started
by singing an indigenous littlesong and, um, the faces of these
(41:39):
leaders.
At that point I've been, I'dbeen coaching for a while, but
they just all went.
I'm ready to walk out of here,Like this is weird.
They were so uncomfortable.
They were so uncomfortable.
So we talked about that for thetime that we were there.
But I turned around to thelearning development person.
I said, oh my God, did we everfail here?
And I said she goes, no, itgave us information about where
(42:03):
they're at.
So now I know I need to meetpeople.
It took me that big failure to.
You know, a failure, that's.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
That's a learning failure, if you like um to
understand that you have to meetpeople where they're ready yeah
well, and you never know, theymight you never know what
happened to those people laterin their life, or they may
reference that experience oreven have referenced it later in
the day and not realize theimpact.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
You're absolutely right, you're absolutely right.
I'm still in touch with one ofthe leaders that you know, who
became a friend eventually, andshe still thinks I'm weird in
that way.
But she says, you know, shegets things a little bit more
like now the touchy feely, right.
Yeah, so that's typical, likethis particular person was even
(42:48):
somebody when I first met him,met her, I said I knew, based on
the questions, that we neededto work on her marriage.
She was a leader, we worked fora year together and it was all
corporate business, all thatkind of stuff, which was fine,
you know.
And then I was late one day andI left her with an assignment.
I said work on this while, youknow, till I get there, I'm.
Just a few minutes late she wasworking on the Blackboard and
she said okay, I'm ready, I'mready to talk about marriage.
And you know, then she gotdivorced.
(43:12):
You know, I coached her throughdivorce, coached her through
dating, and then she gotremarried and and you know, so,
been through all that journeywith her.
But again, like I say, and andyou know so, been through all
that journey with her.
But again, like I say, peopleare only ready for what they're
ready for in that moment, eventhough, as a coach, sometimes I
can see it, it's okay.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
No judgment.
Yeah, a hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
I find when uh, it's funny yousay that about like the
relationship with our husband,because in my program I like a
lot of people it's notnecessarily sometimes it's their
personal relationship withtheir spouse or loved one, but a
lot of times it's familyrelationships, other dynamics in
their family where they havepoor boundaries, where they feel
exhausted and overcommitted andresentful.
(43:51):
And I don't have those in myown personal family as much.
We have good boundaries fromtherapy, probably very young,
but I'm like, oh my gosh, I hadno idea how big of a role that
plays in so many people's lives,just a simple thing of being
able to speak those boundarieswith love to their loved ones.
It's so hard, it is.
Speaker 2 (44:10):
And love can blind.
Oh gosh.
Yes, I've got a client who'stype A personality never get
married, and people who are inmy way, I eliminate them.
This is her attitude, right?
She's a very, very strongminded individual and and then
she gets engaged and this guy isjust like she's.
(44:34):
She has no boundaries with him,she, he lets her, he basically
dictates what needs to be doneand even though she's not happy
about it, she does it.
And I'm like whoa, night andday, this day, this person like
what?
How are you going to toleratethis 20 years down the road when
you're with this individual?
Because in your natural worldyou don't tolerate that.
What makes you think that thisis okay right now?
(44:56):
but she's just so blinded byhaving a need met that he's
meeting in some way and this iswhere it's my job as the coach
to not judge it, but to justshine a light on it and let the
client come up to their ownrevelations when they're ready.
Speaker 1 (45:12):
It's her process.
Speaker 2 (45:14):
Right, it's her process, absolutely, absolutely.
And then when you have acoaching conversation like that,
and then at the end you saywhat are you walking away with,
like, what did you learn aboutyourself in this, in this
conversation?
And she was like, oh yeah, man,I'm, you know, I I've got a lot
of issues still.
I didn't realize we're stillthere and I went okay, so let's
(45:36):
talk about what you want to dowith that late next, next call.
It's okay.
But she came to that revelation.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
It's not me telling her, yeah, having a safe space
is really powerful for people tobe, able to come without
judgment, because there's a lotof people that don't have that
either, or don't think they havethat.
Speaker 2 (45:53):
You know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or to practice that muscle.
Speaker 1 (45:59):
Yeah, that's one of the things that I work with you.
We work on like developingrelationships that are already
in your life, sometimes tosupport you better, but that may
be there that you just, youknow, haven't put the energy or
trusted enough to let it.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Well, even it's funny .
You talk about relationship,because one of the trainings
that I have in coaching is theis the um, uh started off with
organizational relationshipsystems coaching.
Okay, it's all about systems,but in that we learn about you
know the relationships, what arelationship is?
Many people do not understandrelationships.
They think a relationship isyou know, it's me, it's you, and
(46:36):
no, the relation you are you,the other person is the other
person.
That's their own relationshipwith self.
And then the relationship youdeveloped is like what do I want
from this relationship?
What can I give to thisrelationship?
We know what are the boundariesI set, what am I, you know, and
with those rules or what we'veco-created together in this
(46:57):
relationship, can we be in thiskind of a relationship?
And whether it's romantic orwhether it's business doesn't
matter, it's all the same thing.
It's a third entity and we haveto be able to define it as a
third entity, because too manypeople hold on to the other
person to make them happy right,yes, you're speaking to me.
Speaker 1 (47:18):
I started my business with like a best friend of like
26 years and we lost ourfriendship over it, and now that
it's over, I realize exactlywhy.
I know exactly why it's for thebest.
It's no hard feelings, it was apersonality, ways we made up
for each other and protectedeach other for years that never
would have been successful asbusiness owners together, and it
was just being blinded by thehistory of that relationship.
(47:44):
Yeah, so so interesting.
You say that because I'm likeyes yes, I did yeah.
Speaker 2 (47:49):
And you know, when I say in a relationship, what's
the percentage each person givesinto a let's talk about an
intimate relationship?
Okay, what's the percentagethat we give into a relationship
?
oh, it depends on the day yeah,but actually many people say 50,
50 and you need to give you 50.
(48:10):
50 right, it's actually 100.
You get 100 of who you are.
My 100 today may be better thanyesterday.
We're not as good as yesterday,but I'm giving you 100 of what
I've got.
It's always 100.
So there's this exercise.
Actually, I did some leadershiptraining in spain or not as
good as yesterday, but I'mgiving you 100% of what I've got
.
It's always 100%.
So there's this exercise.
Actually, I did some leadershiptraining in Spain, where you
know, we're in a tree, we'rewalking on a rope, and my
(48:30):
partner's gone up her tree andI've gone up mine, and then
we're holding this stick and sowe have to walk along this rope.
Got nothing to hold on toexcept this stick in between us.
And the thing is, if I don'tlean in a hundred percent and
she doesn't lean in a hundredpercent, we're gonna fall.
But the thing is, if I'm afraidto lean in because I might fall
(48:50):
, she's gonna fall, we're gonnafall, we have to lean in a
hundred percent.
So I have people do that,standing up where they're, you
know, holding hands like thistogether and put their feet out
longer and longer so thatthey're leaning in and they're
going.
Well, no, you know you'rebigger than me and I'm gonna
fall.
Doesn't matter, give a hundredpercent of what you've got and
we will never fall same thingbeautiful individuals.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
Hundred percent of what I can for today for myself,
yeah beautiful gosh, so muchbeautiful stuff really rich
conversation here yes, well, um,let's see here I think we're,
we're getting there to on time,so let's.
There's one thing I askeverybody that I'd like to ask
(49:36):
you, just like when times arehard for you and you're really
struggling what is your go-toself-care that, for you, is like
your reset.
Speaker 2 (49:44):
Yeah, that's a great question and I've and I've
redefined it closer morerecently and it's really that
piece of I.
I go to that place of sayingnot what I need to do, but what
do I need right now.
And sometimes that need I'mgoing to say I've stole this
from men because men go, youknow, for the longest time I
said they nap and what's wrongwith men?
(50:06):
Why can't they stay up all day?
Why do they have to nap?
They actually have a very coolsecret that napping, whether I
sleep or not, given myselfpermission to lie down and put
my timer on or whatever, I justgo, I've really given myself
what my body needed in thatmoment.
And it's either time to sleep,which sometimes it is, or
(50:30):
sometimes it's just time to domy breathing exercises or my I
do hip exercises from this womanwho's called the workout witch
and she does.
That's where trauma is held inour hips yeah, I follow her.
Yeah, yeah.
So doing some hip exercises,doing some meditation of
breathing, um just being in inpause, stopping, is the
(50:56):
healthiest thing one can do forthem, for oneself I love that
yeah, so that's, yeah, that's.
Speaker 1 (51:02):
My secret to you is just stop stop and pause and
don't judge yourself for it,because that's, I think, a lot
of people the resting they judgethemselves while they're
resting.
It's not restful, just gottawell, because you know why?
Speaker 2 (51:13):
because they don't have anything to focus on.
So in what we call positiveintelligence reps, we call these
pq reps, we call them you'reactually focused on either
breathing or tactile or doingsomething with the senses, and
when you do that, you havesomething to focus on, and every
time your mind wanders, youjust bring it right back to what
you're focusing on.
Okay, it's just a practicetrick.
Speaker 1 (51:36):
I like that yeah, I like that.
Speaker 2 (51:38):
I was reading like that this positive intelligence
is based in neuroscience, whichI think is so cool because
there's so much cool stuffcoming out of what from, like,
neuroscience research so, oh,absolutely, when you do these pq
reps on a regular basis, likefor six to eight weeks, you can
actually see in an mri that thegray matter in your positive
thinking brain increases and thegray matter in your uh,
(51:59):
negative, where the saboteurslive decreases.
So there's actually scientificproof that this stuff works and
it works.
I'm telling you it works.
Speaker 1 (52:08):
That's really cool.
Yeah Well, Miss Lillian, whatelse do you want to leave us
with today?
Speaker 2 (52:16):
Oh, I'm just thrilled to have that conversation with
you, jenny.
I think you're such asweetheart, you've got an open
heart, you're you know, from thefirst time I met you and we met
in Nurses TransformingHealthcare, which is a group if
you guys don't knownursestransforminghealthcareorg
something to look into.
I mean, what can I say otherthan you don't have to commit to
(52:41):
anything by reaching out toeither Jenny or myself and
saying I just need to talk, canyou listen to me, and then you
get to choose.
I never force anybody to gojoin programs or do anything.
I say you get to choose what'snext for you.
So don't be afraid to pick upthe phone or book time with
(53:01):
someone.
Get what you need during thattime and then choose.
You get to choose.
And if anybody tries to sellyou something so hard and pushy,
that's because it's about themand it's not about you.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
Yep, yep, agreed, agreed.
Beautiful advice and there's somuch free stuff, free resources
out there.
Williams weekly group isamazing for nurses.
Speaker 2 (53:25):
So, yeah, yeah, so I'll, I'll put the link to both
those things and we'll uh, youknow and go from there.
Speaker 1 (53:31):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (53:32):
All right.
Speaker 1 (53:32):
Well, it's been a pleasure.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (53:34):
Yes, Thank you, jenny , you take care.
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