002: You're Not In Management! What it Means to be Relational

A "quick-take" episode on what it means to be relational instead of managerial with your partner.

Are you managing your partner instead of truly connecting with them? Discover the difference between being relational and being managerial in your relationships. Embrace vulnerability, authenticity, and safety to foster deeper, more meaningful connections.

Join host Brent Peak, LPC, on the Empowered Serenity Podcast for practical strategies and heartfelt insights to help you cultivate inner peace, reduce stress, and build stronger relationships. Subscribe now and start your journey towards a more empowered, balanced life.

Learn more about Brent and his services at www.brentpeak.com.

Disclaimer: The Empowered Serenity Podcast is for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. Always consult with a licensed therapist, counselor, or healthcare provider for personalized support and guidance.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to another Quick Take episode of the Empowered Serenity Podcast.

(00:07):
I'm Brent Peak, licensed professional counselor and therapeutic coach.
And today I just wanted to share a quick thought with you that came up for me while
I was doing some work with a couple and a couple's intensive.
So I, I oftentimes will do a two day intensive to help couples out if that's
something you're ever interested in.

(00:28):
Take a look at BrentPeek.com and reach out to me.
But a lot of times I will talk to couples about the difference between being
relational with each other and being managerial with each other.
So specifically when it comes to what you're hoping for in the relationship,
what you're hoping the other person will change or do or stop doing, or how you're

(00:51):
hoping that they will think about things or think about you, a lot of times are
what we end up doing in a relationship comes down to how do I get him to do this?
How do I get her to stop doing that?
And that is about being in management.
And it is not your job to manage the other person in your relationship or in your

(01:15):
family.
This applies to a lot of different relationships in our lives.
It's not your job to manage them.
Think about what management does.
And in your job, my guess is that management withholds information and tells
you what to do.
And that is what we end up doing in our relationships.
We withhold information about what we're really feeling either because we're

(01:38):
afraid of how the other person's going to respond emotionally.
Maybe we think it's going to be too much for them, or maybe we're just not
comfortable being vulnerable with them.
But it is important to be vulnerable because vulnerability is the essential
component for connection.
And when we're not being vulnerable, yet trying to influence someone else, then
we are probably putting ourselves in a management position.

(02:00):
And so what does management do?
They withhold information.
They're not always vulnerable and authentic.
And then they tell us what to do.
And you have probably tried many times to tell your spouse what you want them to
do or what you want them to stop doing.
Tell your partner what you'd like them to think about you or stop thinking about
you.
And when we are in a management position like that, we are disconnecting

(02:25):
relationally.
We are not in true relational connection with the other person.
We've put ourselves on the pedestal telling them what they need to do.
And no one likes that.
No one appreciates being in that position any more than you appreciate it when
management at your job does that to you.
Our goal is to be relational with each other and being relational with the other

(02:48):
person, and being relational means three key things.
Number one, being vulnerable, being willing to share with the other person.
What is vulnerable, fearful, painful for you.
Now I am not talking about a relationship where someone else is abusive towards you.
This is not for every relationship that's out there, but if it's one where you are

(03:11):
hopeful that you can deepen that relationship and get to a better place
with the other person, then there's going to have to be a risk of being vulnerable.
Being relational means that we're vulnerable.
Being relational means that we're authentic, that we share what is true for
us in that moment, that we are authentic about what we're feeling, that we're not
hiding those feelings, even when it's not necessarily a vulnerable thing.

(03:33):
Maybe to let the other person know that you're not happy about something they're
doing.
If we're in management, we're going to withhold something like that because we
don't want to upset them.
And oftentimes we say it's about them when it's really more, we don't want to
deal with them being upset.
Okay.
Management withholds information and tells you what to do.
We want to be relational.
We're going to be vulnerable.
We're going to be authentic.

(03:54):
And we're also going to communicate in a way that is safe for us and them.
So you can be authentic without being vulnerable and safe.
If someone is just blowing their top at someone else and screaming, yelling, being
really angry, that may be authentic, but it's not vulnerable or safe.
If you find yourself in a position where you're just saying, screw it, I'm just

(04:17):
going to say what I think right now.
Maybe you're going to be authentic, but you're not being vulnerable.
You're not being safe.
We need to communicate in a way that is all three.
We need to make sure that as we are being authentic with someone else, that we are
also being considerate of how the information is going to land for them.
And that means we need to communicate in a way that feels safe for both of us.
So you need to be able to ask yourself, as Terry Real would say, the author of

(04:41):
the New Rules of Marriage, a book that I recommend every couple read.
He says, you need to think about what it's going to feel like for the other
person to hear me say this to them right now.
That is being considerate.
I don't want you to take responsibility for the emotions of the other person,
because that's what we're doing when we're withholding information.
I do want you to be considerate and share the information in a way that

(05:05):
considers how it will land for them.
And then being able to share it in a diplomatic, but authentic way.
That is how we add safety to our vulnerability and our authenticity.
Don't be your partner's manager.
Don't withhold information.
Don't tell them what to do.
Don't try to manage their emotions.
Be relational.

(05:26):
That means be vulnerable, vulnerable about your thoughts and feelings, be
authentic about them and share them in a considerate, safe way.
Vulnerability, authenticity, safety.
If you have any questions about how to do that, feel free to reach out to me.
You can go to brentpeake.com and shoot me a message.
And if it's something that would be relevant for folks to hear, I'd be

(05:48):
happy to share it here on the podcast.
If you need some direct help from me and want to work with me, you can
also see how to do that at brentpeake.com.
Thanks for listening.
Like the podcast, share it, subscribe, whatever the word for that is on your
app and thanks for listening and we'll see you next time.