July 25, 2024 • 11 mins
Episode 008: Three Things You're Doing to Try to Fix Your Relationship That Aren't Working (and How to Change Them)
Welcome to the Empowered Serenity Podcast! In today’s episode, Brent Peak discusses three common but counterproductive strategies people use to try to fix their relationships. Often, these actions come from a place of love and desperation, but they can have hidden costs that undermine the connection we're trying to protect. Brent shares insights into the impacts of these strategies and offers practical alternatives to strengthen your relationship.
Episode Highlights:
- Defending Yourself: Why this strategy escalates conflicts and how relational listening can foster empathy and connection.
- Sacrificing Your Needs: The imbalance this creates in a relationship and the importance of clear communication and expressing your needs.
- Avoiding Conflict: The long-term effects of unresolved issues and how embracing constructive conflict can lead to deeper understanding and intimacy.
Resources Mentioned:
- Rephrase Your Relationship: www.rephraseyourrelationship.com
- Episode 5: Hear Me Out, The Power of Relational Listening https://rss.com/podcasts/the-empowered-serenity-podcast/1532934/
Additional Links:
Connect with Brent:
- Website: brentpeak.com
- Instagram: @brent.peak
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with others who might benefit and consider subscribing and leaving a review. Your feedback helps us reach more people seeking transformative change. Remember, the path to empowered serenity is a journey, and you're not alone.
Until next time, take care and keep moving forward with hope and resilience.
Disclaimer: The information provided in the Empowered Serenity Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of your physician, therapist, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or mental health concerns. If you are experiencing a crisis, please contact your local emergency services or seek immediate help from a mental health professional.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, if you're in one of those stable but stale relationships where everything looks
(00:06):
fine on the outside, but you're dying on the inside, then you'll appreciate today's episode
and you will definitely benefit from my mini course, rephrase your relationship.
In this short audio course, I'll teach you the exact three phrases that I teach my clients
to use to shift the tone in their relationship and experience a whole new level of understanding
(00:30):
and connection.
Check out rephrase your relationship at brentpeake.com or use the link in the show notes.
Now here's today's episode.
(00:51):
Welcome to the empowered serenity podcast.
I'm Brent Peak, a licensed professional counselor and therapeutic coach.
Are you ready to reclaim yourself worth, reduce stress and build stronger, healthier relationships
than you've come to the right place?
Each week, we'll dive into practical strategies and heartfelt insights designed to help you
(01:13):
cultivate inner peace and live a more empowered, balanced life.
That's the journey we're on together.
From emotional healing to transformative connections, we'll explore a variety of topics to support
you on your path to true empowerment and serenity.
Join me on this journey to deep emotional healing and discover the peace and strength
(01:37):
within you.
Welcome to today's episode, three things you're doing to try to fix your relationship
that actually aren't working and how to change them.
Relationships are complex and when things get tough, it is natural to want to do everything
(02:01):
you can to fix things.
Often the strategies we employ come from a place of love and desperation to make things
right.
However, some of these well-intentioned actions can have hidden costs that undermine the very
connection we're trying to protect.
Today we're going to explore three common but counterproductive strategies as well as
(02:24):
their impact and what you can do instead to truly strengthen your relationship.
So let's dive in.
The first one is, and this is a common one, defending yourself.
Imagine you're having an argument with your partner or spouse about household responsibilities
and they express their frustration about feeling unsupported and you immediately start listing
(02:48):
all the things that you do around the house, trying to prove that you are indeed pulling
your weight.
While it's natural to want to clear up misunderstandings and show your efforts, constantly defending
yourself can escalate conflicts rather than resolve them.
Instead of fostering understanding, it often turns the discussion into a battle of who's
(03:11):
right, who's wrong.
And when you defend yourself, especially emphatically, you end up crossing a boundary by trying to
influence your partner's thinking, believing that if they would just see things your way,
everything would be fixed.
This shifts the focus from understanding and connection to proving a point, which can make
(03:36):
your partner feel invalidated and unheard.
Meanwhile, you end up feeling attacked, misunderstood, and this only increases your own stress, your
own frustration.
What if instead of defending yourself, you practiced relational listening?
Shifting your focus from self-defense to truly hearing your partner can make a world of difference.
(04:01):
Acknowledge their feelings without immediately jumping to your own defense.
Listen actively by being attentive and reflecting what you hear to ensure that you are clearly
hearing their perspective.
And listen empathetically by acknowledging what is understandable about your partner's
perspective even if you don't share their version of reality.
(04:22):
This shows that you're making an effort to understand their perspective and validate
their feelings, and you end up fostering empathy and connection.
One doesn't equal agreement.
You don't have to agree with everything they're saying in order to validate them.
You can learn more about relational listening back in episode five, Hear Me Out, The Power
(04:46):
of Relational Listening, where we dove into the three levels of relational listening that
I just briefly referred to there just now, but you can dive in more in episode five.
So I encourage you to go back and check that out.
So the first thing that you might be doing to try to fix your relationship that isn't
working is defending yourself.
(05:07):
The second one, sacrificing your own needs.
Maybe you've been consistently putting your partner's needs above your own, hoping that
by accommodating them, you'll keep the peace and make them happy.
Over time though, this imbalance can lead to resentment and a lack of authenticity in
(05:28):
your relationship.
Your partner might unknowingly take your sacrifices for granted, and you might find yourself feeling
burnt out, undervalued, and disconnected, not just from your partner, but from your
own needs.
Sacrificing your needs can stem from a desire to be selfless and accommodating, but it crosses
(05:49):
a boundary by stepping too much into your partner's needs as you care for them and then
neglect yourself.
This creates an unhealthy dynamic where your personal needs are pushed aside.
It's important to recognize that your needs are valid and expressing them in a healthy
way can actually bring you closer together.
(06:11):
I've seen it over and over again with the couples that I work with.
They think that if they are clear about what they need, about what they want, that they
will end up pushing their partner away.
And it is the exact opposite.
That level of vulnerability, when shared appropriately, actually brings you closer together.
(06:33):
Try communicating your needs clearly and respectfully.
Start by using I statements to express your needs without blame, without accusation.
For example, you might say, I feel overwhelmed by the household chores.
Can we find a way to share the responsibilities more evenly?
Notice that there's no accusation here, just a feeling and a question.
(06:56):
Make the process even more powerful by engaging in the relational listening that we talked
about earlier and back in episode five.
Clear communication fosters mutual respect and understanding, allowing both partners
to support each other more effectively.
So the first thing that you're doing to try to fix the relationship that isn't working,
(07:17):
defending yourself.
The second one, sacrificing your needs.
And the last one for today, avoiding conflict.
This is a big one.
And frankly, everybody gets here eventually.
And this is about the time when they start to see me.
Whenever a disagreement arises, you find yourself retreating, hoping that by avoiding the conflict,
(07:39):
you'll maintain peace and harmony in the relationship.
However, avoiding conflict often leads to unresolved issues that fester over time.
It creates a buildup of unspoken resentment and frustration.
And your partner might feel that their concerns and feelings are being ignored, leading to
feelings of isolation and disconnection.
(07:59):
And meanwhile, you carry the weight of unresolved issues, causing buildup of your own internal
stress and anxiety.
Avoiding conflict results in putting up a wall, an unhealthy boundary that prevents
genuine communication.
And while those walls may protect you from immediate hurt or pain, they also block out
(08:21):
intimacy and understanding.
It's essential to embrace constructive conflict as a pathway to deeper understanding and connection.
Addressing issues openly and constructively can strengthen trust and intimacy as both
partners feel their concerns are heard and respected.
Instead of avoiding conflict, approach disagreements with a problem-solving mindset, a collaborative
(08:47):
mindset.
Use phrases like, I've noticed that we seem to disagree about how we spend our weekends.
Can we talk about how to find a balance that works for both of us?
Healthy conflict can be a pathway to deeper understanding and connection.
It is possible to address these issues without damaging the relationship when you do it right.
(09:10):
So while it's understandable that you would want to resort to these common strategies
in an effort to fix things in your relationship, being aware of their hidden costs can help
you choose more effective approaches by practicing relational listening, communicating your needs
clearly, embracing constructive conflict.
You can build a stronger, more connected relationship.
(09:33):
Remember, the goal is not to avoid all problems, but to navigate them together with empathy,
respect and a genuine desire to understand and support each other.
If you find it challenging to break these patterns, then I urge you to check out my
mini audio course, Rephrase Your Relationship.
(09:54):
It's found at printpeak.com.
And for just a few bucks, you will learn the first most important phrases that I teach
the couples I work with to help them shift the tone of their conversations and start
communicating and connecting with each other with empathy and understanding.
Look for Rephrase Your Relationship at printpeak.com or at the link in the show notes.
(10:17):
That's it for today.
Go ahead and put these principles into practice and I hope that they will help you live a
life of empowered serenity.
Thank you for tuning into this episode of the Empowered Serenity Podcast.
I hope our conversation today has inspired you to embrace your journey toward deeper
emotional healing, empowerment and inner peace.
(10:40):
Be sure to check the show notes for any resources that may have been mentioned in this episode.
And don't forget to visit printpeak.com for additional resources and information about
working with me.
If you found value in our discussion, please share this podcast with others who might benefit
and consider subscribing and leaving a review.
Your feedback helps us reach more people seeking transformative change.
(11:01):
And remember, the path to empowered serenity is a journey and you're not alone.
Until next time, take care and keep moving forward with hope and resilience.
The information provided in the Empowered Serenity Podcast is for educational and informational
purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
(11:26):
Please seek the advice of your physician, therapist or other qualified health provider
with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or mental health concerns.
Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something
you have heard on this podcast.
If you are experiencing a crisis, please contact your local emergency services or seek immediate
help from a mental health professional.
(11:47):
The views expressed by guests on the podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect
the views of Brent Peak or North Valley Therapy Services.
Hey, if you're in one of those stable but stale relationships where everything looks
(00:06):
fine on the outside, but you're dying on the inside, then you'll appreciate today's episode
and you will definitely benefit from my mini course, rephrase your relationship.
In this short audio course, I'll teach you the exact three phrases that I teach my clients
to use to shift the tone in their relationship and experience a whole new level of understanding
(00:30):
and connection.
Check out rephrase your relationship at brentpeake.com or use the link in the show notes.
Now here's today's episode.
(00:51):
Welcome to the empowered serenity podcast.
I'm Brent Peak, a licensed professional counselor and therapeutic coach.
Are you ready to reclaim yourself worth, reduce stress and build stronger, healthier relationships
than you've come to the right place?
Each week, we'll dive into practical strategies and heartfelt insights designed to help you
(01:13):
cultivate inner peace and live a more empowered, balanced life.
That's the journey we're on together.
From emotional healing to transformative connections, we'll explore a variety of topics to support
you on your path to true empowerment and serenity.
Join me on this journey to deep emotional healing and discover the peace and strength
(01:37):
within you.
Welcome to today's episode, three things you're doing to try to fix your relationship
that actually aren't working and how to change them.
Relationships are complex and when things get tough, it is natural to want to do everything
(02:01):
you can to fix things.
Often the strategies we employ come from a place of love and desperation to make things
right.
However, some of these well-intentioned actions can have hidden costs that undermine the very
connection we're trying to protect.
Today we're going to explore three common but counterproductive strategies as well as
(02:24):
their impact and what you can do instead to truly strengthen your relationship.
So let's dive in.
The first one is, and this is a common one, defending yourself.
Imagine you're having an argument with your partner or spouse about household responsibilities
and they express their frustration about feeling unsupported and you immediately start listing
(02:48):
all the things that you do around the house, trying to prove that you are indeed pulling
your weight.
While it's natural to want to clear up misunderstandings and show your efforts, constantly defending
yourself can escalate conflicts rather than resolve them.
Instead of fostering understanding, it often turns the discussion into a battle of who's
(03:11):
right, who's wrong.
And when you defend yourself, especially emphatically, you end up crossing a boundary by trying to
influence your partner's thinking, believing that if they would just see things your way,
everything would be fixed.
This shifts the focus from understanding and connection to proving a point, which can make
(03:36):
your partner feel invalidated and unheard.
Meanwhile, you end up feeling attacked, misunderstood, and this only increases your own stress, your
own frustration.
What if instead of defending yourself, you practiced relational listening?
Shifting your focus from self-defense to truly hearing your partner can make a world of difference.
(04:01):
Acknowledge their feelings without immediately jumping to your own defense.
Listen actively by being attentive and reflecting what you hear to ensure that you are clearly
hearing their perspective.
And listen empathetically by acknowledging what is understandable about your partner's
perspective even if you don't share their version of reality.
(04:22):
This shows that you're making an effort to understand their perspective and validate
their feelings, and you end up fostering empathy and connection.
One doesn't equal agreement.
You don't have to agree with everything they're saying in order to validate them.
You can learn more about relational listening back in episode five, Hear Me Out, The Power
(04:46):
of Relational Listening, where we dove into the three levels of relational listening that
I just briefly referred to there just now, but you can dive in more in episode five.
So I encourage you to go back and check that out.
So the first thing that you might be doing to try to fix your relationship that isn't
working is defending yourself.
(05:07):
The second one, sacrificing your own needs.
Maybe you've been consistently putting your partner's needs above your own, hoping that
by accommodating them, you'll keep the peace and make them happy.
Over time though, this imbalance can lead to resentment and a lack of authenticity in
(05:28):
your relationship.
Your partner might unknowingly take your sacrifices for granted, and you might find yourself feeling
burnt out, undervalued, and disconnected, not just from your partner, but from your
own needs.
Sacrificing your needs can stem from a desire to be selfless and accommodating, but it crosses
(05:49):
a boundary by stepping too much into your partner's needs as you care for them and then
neglect yourself.
This creates an unhealthy dynamic where your personal needs are pushed aside.
It's important to recognize that your needs are valid and expressing them in a healthy
way can actually bring you closer together.
(06:11):
I've seen it over and over again with the couples that I work with.
They think that if they are clear about what they need, about what they want, that they
will end up pushing their partner away.
And it is the exact opposite.
That level of vulnerability, when shared appropriately, actually brings you closer together.
(06:33):
Try communicating your needs clearly and respectfully.
Start by using I statements to express your needs without blame, without accusation.
For example, you might say, I feel overwhelmed by the household chores.
Can we find a way to share the responsibilities more evenly?
Notice that there's no accusation here, just a feeling and a question.
(06:56):
Make the process even more powerful by engaging in the relational listening that we talked
about earlier and back in episode five.
Clear communication fosters mutual respect and understanding, allowing both partners
to support each other more effectively.
So the first thing that you're doing to try to fix the relationship that isn't working,
(07:17):
defending yourself.
The second one, sacrificing your needs.
And the last one for today, avoiding conflict.
This is a big one.
And frankly, everybody gets here eventually.
And this is about the time when they start to see me.
Whenever a disagreement arises, you find yourself retreating, hoping that by avoiding the conflict,
(07:39):
you'll maintain peace and harmony in the relationship.
However, avoiding conflict often leads to unresolved issues that fester over time.
It creates a buildup of unspoken resentment and frustration.
And your partner might feel that their concerns and feelings are being ignored, leading to
feelings of isolation and disconnection.
(07:59):
And meanwhile, you carry the weight of unresolved issues, causing buildup of your own internal
stress and anxiety.
Avoiding conflict results in putting up a wall, an unhealthy boundary that prevents
genuine communication.
And while those walls may protect you from immediate hurt or pain, they also block out
(08:21):
intimacy and understanding.
It's essential to embrace constructive conflict as a pathway to deeper understanding and connection.
Addressing issues openly and constructively can strengthen trust and intimacy as both
partners feel their concerns are heard and respected.
Instead of avoiding conflict, approach disagreements with a problem-solving mindset, a collaborative
(08:47):
mindset.
Use phrases like, I've noticed that we seem to disagree about how we spend our weekends.
Can we talk about how to find a balance that works for both of us?
Healthy conflict can be a pathway to deeper understanding and connection.
It is possible to address these issues without damaging the relationship when you do it right.
(09:10):
So while it's understandable that you would want to resort to these common strategies
in an effort to fix things in your relationship, being aware of their hidden costs can help
you choose more effective approaches by practicing relational listening, communicating your needs
clearly, embracing constructive conflict.
You can build a stronger, more connected relationship.
(09:33):
Remember, the goal is not to avoid all problems, but to navigate them together with empathy,
respect and a genuine desire to understand and support each other.
If you find it challenging to break these patterns, then I urge you to check out my
mini audio course, Rephrase Your Relationship.
(09:54):
It's found at printpeak.com.
And for just a few bucks, you will learn the first most important phrases that I teach
the couples I work with to help them shift the tone of their conversations and start
communicating and connecting with each other with empathy and understanding.
Look for Rephrase Your Relationship at printpeak.com or at the link in the show notes.
(10:17):
That's it for today.
Go ahead and put these principles into practice and I hope that they will help you live a
life of empowered serenity.
Thank you for tuning into this episode of the Empowered Serenity Podcast.
I hope our conversation today has inspired you to embrace your journey toward deeper
emotional healing, empowerment and inner peace.
(10:40):
Be sure to check the show notes for any resources that may have been mentioned in this episode.
And don't forget to visit printpeak.com for additional resources and information about
working with me.
If you found value in our discussion, please share this podcast with others who might benefit
and consider subscribing and leaving a review.
Your feedback helps us reach more people seeking transformative change.
(11:01):
And remember, the path to empowered serenity is a journey and you're not alone.
Until next time, take care and keep moving forward with hope and resilience.
The information provided in the Empowered Serenity Podcast is for educational and informational
purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
(11:26):
Please seek the advice of your physician, therapist or other qualified health provider
with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or mental health concerns.
Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something
you have heard on this podcast.
If you are experiencing a crisis, please contact your local emergency services or seek immediate
help from a mental health professional.
(11:47):
The views expressed by guests on the podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect
the views of Brent Peak or North Valley Therapy Services.
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