November 25, 2024 • 43 mins
Have you ever found yourself juggling multiple roles, only to discover a moment of peace in the chaos? That's exactly what happened when Melinda faced a health scare and I managed a busy life with five kids. Recording from separate locations for the first time, we talk about the flexibility this affords us amidst our packed schedules. Melinda offers a poignant reminder of the importance of regular skin checks following her procedure and shares joyful moments with her puppy. Meanwhile, I savor a rare moment of solitude while my husband and son embark on a much-anticipated father-son adventure, setting the stage for heartfelt Thanksgiving traditions.
What if your child’s financial mistake was just another step toward their secure future? We dive into the critical topic of teaching financial responsibility to kids, offering insights and strategies to guide them through money matters without fear. Understanding that money issues surpass even career worries for parents, we discuss empowering children through financial autonomy. By sharing practical tips and personal stories, we aim to arm parents with tools to foster independence and alleviate stress, ensuring that our children are prepared for life's significant financial transitions.
Navigating the holiday season can be especially tricky for blended families, but what if embracing flexibility could make all the difference? We explore how creating a harmonious environment during family gatherings starts with acceptance and understanding. By sharing strategies for adapting traditions and emphasizing communication, we highlight ways to reduce holiday stress and celebrate togetherness. Whether it’s negotiating new traditions or maintaining some cherished old ones, we offer personal anecdotes and insights to inspire a joyful and peaceful holiday season filled with creativity and harmony.
We want to hear from you! Reach out to us on socials or at emptynestquestpod@gmail.com to share how our conversations are landing with you! xo-Melynda and Jennifer
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Music Okay Well, hello.
Okay, well, hello.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
here we are recording our first one, not together in
the same little room yes, forthose of you that are not
watching us um on youtube, weare um, for the first time,
recording in two differentlocations.
We're both at our our housesand we figured more than
anything.
We thought maybe this wouldjust to give it a try, because
(01:10):
our lives are very busy and thiswould be really convenient if
we were able to do this everynow and then.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
I still like being in our own place together, but
this is a good alternative, sothis is a great example of how
um, it's good to do somethingdifferent because it challenges
you a little, Cause I'm, I'mreally like, Ooh, I like the
routine better.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
I like I definitely do too.
So let's do some.
Let's do some life updates,melinda, what's going on with
you?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Honestly I just I've shared with Jennifer right
before we started.
I've got kind of my haircovering it but I had to have a
little procedure done on my faceskin cancer and you know, just
not fun but it didn't go so well.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
It is that reminder to all of us, though, to get
those yearly skin checks.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Yeah, it really is, and I have a great dermatologist
and so, um, and she and I don'tlike dread going or anything,
so it was, it was.
It really was pretty seamlessall things considered, compared
to when I've had this before.
But, um, it's, my mom was like,how do you even have one in
(02:26):
your hair?
And I said, mom, you were onthe boat with me.
All of my life that we spent onthe water and I have freckles
and I had like Auburn hair.
As little girl I was like Idon't know if there's enough
zinc oxide on the planet for youto protect me, but it's worth
it.
I mean, I love all of mymemories on the water.
(02:46):
But yeah, so I've just beendoing that this week and the
weather's just been kind ofgloomy, and so that kind of has
almost literally been a goodthing for me.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
And.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
I don't know how much I've complained here about the
puppy, but he's kind of calmingdown, yay.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
He's growing up.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
I don't know if I've complained as much as the amount
of real estate that complaintstake up in my brain, but he
actually has been pretty much acuddle.
So I think we're on the.
I think we're getting better.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
He's 10 months old.
Oh, 10 months old.
I think we're, I think we're,yep, I think he're getting
better.
He's 10 months old, good, oh,10 months old.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I think he's getting a little better, so that's a
huge relief.
But what's?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
going on with you.
You know it's just been kind ofbusy.
It's.
You know, alumni cookie doughis going in all sorts of
different directions and sojuggling that with teaching full
time and doing the podcast, andyou know it's all stuff that
different directions and sojuggling that with teaching full
time and and doing the podcast,and you know it's all stuff
that I love.
So that's um, that's reallywhat makes it doable.
(03:52):
Um, the kids are, you know,just keeping up with the five
kids and, um, mike was out oftown this weekend, him and
Drayton, who was his oldest,they went to the Jacksonville
Vikings game in Jacksonville.
It's actually today, it's onSunday, when we're recording.
(04:14):
So they're having a goodfather-son.
Drayton graduates next monthfrom Georgia Southern, so this
is a good time for them to kindof be together and bond.
So, but yeah, they're having ablast.
So I've had some alone time.
Yesterday I just had a me day.
(04:35):
I did not plan anythingCompletely, was on my own
schedule and it was delightful.
Went and got a massage andwatched the Georgia game, which
was not great.
But, yeah, I did a massage.
(04:56):
But this is actually going tobe released the Monday of
Thanksgiving week.
So, I think that's fun to kindof keep in mind and think about
that as well.
The top thinking aboutThanksgiving Melinda, what is
your stance on when to decoratefor Christmas?
(05:20):
I know this is very um seemslike people are extra
opinionated about this andpeople feel very strongly.
What is your stance?
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Well, I don't really.
I think I don't really have oneanymore.
I think, when you know, when Iwas growing up, my mom did it
the old way where you had fallstuff out.
My mom's also, though, as youcan relate, my mom's also a
retired teacher.
So everything has its season,because you know, you don't flip
everything in your classroomuntil you flip everything.
(05:54):
So our house operated the sameway.
So it was not in my mom's backin the day.
It was not Christmas untilThanksgiving was over, because
Cause I can tell you, even rightnow she and my dad live out in
the middle of absolutely nowhereand I promise you she has got
harvest theme to the nines I'llnot go down until after
(06:16):
Thanksgiving.
So if I did all that still, Iwould probably honor that.
But I, I, my poor girls theylove when I decorate.
I didn't do, I didn't do anyfall stuff, hardly this year.
I mean embarrassingly little,and so I just don't.
I don't know.
I think it's just been year toyear.
For me I haven't.
(06:36):
It hasn't mattered that much.
I haven't ever, except for theCOVID year, I have never put the
tree up before Thanksgiving,like how some people go ahead
and do their tree and all that.
I'd never done that.
But 2020, oh honey, I thinkNovember 2nd Get that tree up.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
We got to celebrate something.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Yeah, we went.
We just kind of went for itthat year.
But yeah, I don't know Ihaven't done anything
Christmassy yet.
My cross the street neighbor onNovember 1st night I don't even
have to turn on my outsidelights.
It is gorgeous.
She had her whole house donelike professionally, you know,
and it is like her and she hasgot the sweetest adult sons and
(07:20):
they I mean her house literallylooks like Santa is about to be
here in a minute, so it'sbeautiful.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
The North Pole is across the street from you.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Directly across the street.
So I mean we love it because wewalk the dogs at night and we
just get to see her beautifulhouse already.
But it also kind of stress meout because I'm like, oh whoa, I
got to get in the spirit.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
It's easy to get in that comparison trap for the
Christmas.
Yes, we decorate pretty early.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Um and y'all are.
Is Mike big on Christmas Like?
Speaker 1 (07:54):
he is to decorate.
Yes, he absolutely loves todecorate for the holidays.
Um, halloween and Christmas arehis two that he loves.
But I mean he will.
I'll come home and it's as if,um, the house was sprinkled with
some type of magical dust,because he'll have it all done
(08:19):
and really yes, johnny liked itand um, pre, pre mike, pre mike
and my other life I did it all.
I mean I would balance on thebanisters in the attic to hang
the wreaths and everything, andhe absolutely does almost
everything.
Now I'll help him, like withsome of the um christmas, but
(08:42):
yeah, I'm very, very blessed.
So I have started to do just alittle odd and end things, but
nothing major.
And I don't know when we'regoing to get our tree.
This year we get live trees andit's just weird how the, how it
falls this year and so I don'tknow.
(09:03):
We'll have to see, but nojudgment from me.
I mean, if you put up yourChristmas tree in mid October or
the 1st of December, it reallyI don't have any strong feelings
.
Now we'll tell you something Ido have a strong feeling about.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Uh-oh what.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
After it's done it's done.
Okay, we have got some peoplein our neighborhood.
It is, it is November the 10th.
We are recording on Novemberthe 10th.
They've still got theirHalloween decorations up.
I'm not for that.
It hurts to laugh because of myhead.
(09:47):
I'm not for that.
It hurts to laugh because of myhead.
I'm sorry, I am not for thatand I would be for them getting
some type of letter saying takedown your stuff.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Because it is hysterical.
I have a really dear childhoodfriend that is like you and she
probably is the reason that Ihave Welcome to the Empty Nest
Quest the podcast where weredefine midlife and embrace the
journey ahead.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Join your hosts, jennifer and Melinda, as we
share inspiring stories helpfulhints, entrepreneurial advice
and tips that will help youthrive and not just survive
during this transformative timeof your life.
Whether you're approaching theempty nest phase or already
navigating it we're here tosupport you every step of the
way.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Let's embark on this quest together.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
As late as the 27th.
Now I'll tell you one of themain reasons that I feel
strongly about Christmasdecorations, and I know some
people like Mike's parents.
They are Catholic and they keepit up until like January.
They do the 12 days Well, it'sbecause, technically, christmas
starts on Christmas to them, andso I think that is fine, but I
(10:54):
mean, we're talking people thatkeep it up till like February.
That's a problem.
I did that.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
A friend of mine kept her tree up till February one
year and we and the girls and Iwere at her house.
I said, okay, listen, and theirtree was ginormous, they had
these super high ceilings, andso I think what happened is like
well, it's like, and if herhusband, I mean she physically
couldn't do it by herself, andso she's like, I just so it and
(11:22):
I was like well, girl, we'regoing to have to put some hearts
on this tree, like if you'regoing to keep it here.
We're going to have to keep itrolling, and so my girls and I
like, stuck little cutout heartsall over her tree and she was
like.
I feel like.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I've taken it too far .
I've heard of people doing that, keeping it up year round and
putting you know.
That's whatever you know, butone of the reasons why I feel
that strongly about Christmas isbecause my birthday is on
December 28th.
And so when I was growing up myparents did a.
(11:56):
Everyone used to always ask medon't you hate your birthday
being on the 28th?
And I really never did.
And now that I'm an adult Irealized the reason why I never
hated my birthday being on the28th is because, I mean, when
the 26 hit, christmas stuff wasdown and birthday stuff came up,
they never allowed my family togive me like combo gifts.
(12:21):
Birthday gifts were wrapped inbirthday paper, not Christmas
paper.
So they did a really good jobat that and I really think that
that's why.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
I thought I had my phone off and it's in there
doing an alarm.
Okay, keep going.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
That's okay, but I think that's why I, you know,
feel that way.
I could care less.
Now, I mean, at almost 52, Ireally don't care about that,
but as a kid that was, you know,that was really important.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
So, and now I love combo deaths because I get
bigger presents.
That's fun, though I mean I do.
Isn't that funny how we wereactually talking about that not
long ago, about how you know,like when your birthday is in
the calendar really does kind ofinfluence how you feel about
like that season or that holidaythat comes near your birthday.
Like Sarah Kate loves Halloweenand she loves fall, and I'm
(13:19):
like, which makes sense, becauseher birthday is late October
and I never really right.
I never really thought aboutlike um so much of what, and I
think we would love all theseseasons anyway, but it does have
an extra.
You don't realize how it givesyou that extra special little
feeling for like when yourbirthday was fell as a kid or
whatever.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
It really does.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
It's so fun that your parents made it.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
I love, love, love, love the holidays.
So it's fun, fun, but it can bea very difficult time and we'll
hit on that a little bit inthis week's episode episode of
our parenting, doing life withyour adult children.
And this is part three of four.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
We have actually um we made this gonna be four, four
, four, four.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Is this four, four?
This is four, four.
This is four, four.
Okay, we broke the second one.
Was it the second one?
We broke into two, so we brokethe second one into two parts,
and then this is our fourth part.
So this is our final one, and Ithink it's been a great.
It's was, of course, our firstbook study.
I think it's been.
(14:26):
It's been a good experience forus.
I definitely want to do morebook studies.
I think it's really a goodthing to do and gives another
perspective.
But this is the book by JimBurns Doing Life With your Adult
Children and Keep your MouthShut and the Welcome Mat Out.
And this is going to be overprinciples seven, eight and nine
(14:50):
Um and so we were oh, go ahead.
No, I was just saying some ofthis, Melinda, and I have not
experienced yet, because it doesget into like being a
grandparent um, which I'm superexcited about, just not anytime
soon, Um so um, but some of itwe can't experience because we
(15:13):
haven't been there.
But go ahead, Melinda.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Well, we definitely have friends just scattered all
throughout this season already.
It's wild.
Here we are, you know, but yeah, no, I was just saying number
seven, chat.
Principle seven is the highcost of money, and he's just
talking about developingfinancial independence and just
(15:37):
remembering the goal for ourkids is just develop that sense
of responsibility.
And one of the things I just tome there are just a lot of like
overarching themes in this thatI felt were really nice, and
one of you know the examples hepaints is you know, you can't
learn to ride a bike without askint knee, and skint knees
(15:58):
really hurt and there are tearsand it's awful, but you don't
then go okay, forget it, you'renot going to ride a bike.
I feel like so many of my moneylessons, though, were handled as
a young person, like if I likeI know my mom didn't mean to do
this She'll probably be mad atme for putting this out there
(16:20):
but I opened, I mean, these arethe things that I think, though,
really mess with your head withmoney, and we just need to be
mindful with our kids.
But, like, I opened a checkingaccount when I was in high
school and I got my first joband I bounced a check because
I'd forgotten to record one, andI you know all the things.
And she was like, if you bounceanother one, we're closing your
account.
And it was like, oh, okay,cause my mom's super tight and
(16:42):
she wasn't about wasting thatmoney on a bounce check.
And so, you know, a month ortwo passes, I bounced another
one and, the next thing I knowmy account's closed and the
checks are shredded.
And it was just like and I knowthat her thing was just matter
of fact, my mom's very, justlike, practical.
And she was like then, thisisn't the right path for you,
(17:03):
you don't need to do this yet,you just need to, you know, keep
your money in your wallet andwhatever you know, because it
was what, 1987 or something.
But what that told me was youdon't get to mess up.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
And we didn't like, and then there and I and I
needed help, like cause I waslike why wasn't I finding time
to record things I didn't know,to make it more of a routine?
So I think that we I get that,we get involved and our feelings
get involved, because becauselet's be real she probably paid
for my balance checks, right,and she was like I'm not going
to keep paying for this.
(17:38):
You're going to have to closeyour account, but, and so she
would probably have a wholedifferent perspective about this
story.
But I do think that thereminder in all of these things,
when our kids mess up withmoney, as we will, as we're
teaching them thisresponsibility, is just to say
to ourselves and to them we'regoing to goof a few times.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Right.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
I just think there has to be, we can't prize money
so much that you never mess upwith it.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Right, and I think we can't scare them to the point
where they're scared to mess up.
You know you've got to makethem realize that it's okay and
nothing is earth shatteringenough where it should cause you
so much stress and like thingsare fixable.
You can, you can do this,things are fixable.
(18:36):
You can, you can do this,things are fixable.
But it is.
You know, I was.
I think I was surprised to learnthat money was ranked as the
most common concern amongparents of adult children.
So I just, I really and I meanthat's above above all else,
that's above their career,choosing the wrong partner Money
(18:59):
problems were the most rankedas the most worrisome concern
that they have about their adultchildren.
So, but yeah, I think, justreally letting them know that
you're going to make mistakesand it's okay and you're there,
if you know, for advice if theywant it.
(19:19):
But again, I think we'velearned throughout this book to
wait for them to ask for thatadvice and don't be so open to
give it.
So you want to follow throughthat independence so you want to
offer that independence?
Speaker 2 (19:39):
yes, yes, 100% like.
And then the parts of it thatthat are your like.
He to me, he's just alwaysreminding us there are things
you're in the driver's seat onand that is yourself and your
household and your money, right,and so if our kids are getting
our money still, then we do needto talk about and he says that
in the book I'm on page 131, ifpeople have the book out but
(20:00):
it's develop a clear exitstrategy and foster independence
, and so to me that just was thereminder.
I need to always sort of bepreparing the girls for what's
coming next.
And I think this is trial anderror for different people.
I've heard different friends ofmine do this really differently
(20:20):
than we have in differentlittle stages already.
But like one thing, forinstance, I've learned that just
for me, because I getoverwhelmed if I have a million
things pinging around at once,and so like, for example, I
talked to a parent this week.
Like Anna and I went to Boonetwo weeks ago and went up to App
(20:43):
State.
It was so much fun and I stayedwith some other couples and one
of the couple's daughter justgot married and I was like well,
how did you manage that?
Like her, a budget, you know.
And she said, basically Ipulled some other parents and we
(21:04):
kind of said, okay, honey,we're going to give you X amount
of dollars.
And she said and at first I wasjust going to have her give me
the bill, I was going to payflorist, then I was going to pay
and she said my friend said no,no, no, don't do that, because
you'll every decision will beemotional for you.
She said give her half of themoney up front and then you get
(21:27):
her to tell her you when sheneeds the other half and then
give her the other half and justremind her okay, ok, you only
have X amount more.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Then it is hers to budget and if she goes over it's
on her.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
And I was like oh my gosh, that sounds so silly, but
I probably would have done itthe other way, jennifer Right.
I would have to, but actuallywhen, when Anna and Sarah Kate
went to college, I did it theway she did her wedding.
I gave them a flat amount.
This is how much I'm going togive you to have to set yourself
(22:03):
up to get your sheets, for yourbedding, to get your kitchen
stuff, whatever that's all I'mgiving you.
So use it wisely, because if youhave pictures on the wall and
you don't have plates to cook on, that's too bad, you know right
.
And it was actually fun,because then I didn't worry
about what I mean, I kind ofworried about what they bought.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
Right, right what they chose to do with it.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
I was like well, that's their prerogative.
So I think for me that was agreat tip.
That was a great tip.
It made me.
It was very clear.
It was concise.
Um, for other people that wouldnot work, probably.
Um, my mom for me for that.
She gave me money each month orsomething when I got married
(22:45):
and my wedding, but anyway.
So I think.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
But the idea is just, the key is the plan right,
You've got to have a plan andit's not going to.
This is at the end of thechapter.
I like how he says childrenwon't just drift into a healthy
relationship with money.
Making good financial decisionsrequires discipline and a plan,
and sometimes I mean being theparent you've got.
Sometimes you've got toimplement that discipline and a
(23:08):
plan for them, so just dependingon how they were raised and
what you did implement when theywere children.
So, and you know, like we'vesaid before, I think we can all
look back and be like, oh, Iwish I would have done that
differently or given them morefinancial responsibility.
But you can't go back, you canonly look forward.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
So Right, and I really feel like a note I made
to myself, jennifer was um thatit would probably be really
pertinent for us at this phasewith our kids to maybe share
with them some of the storiesfrom early in our adult life
where we did make mistakes.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
And so, and then to tell them the hardships of
figuring out some of the moneyjust to say, hey, you've got
some of this coming.
I share this with you to sayyou might hit some bumps, you
might want to use this as a wayto avoid some of them.
And, again, like you said, youprobably want to ask if they
(24:07):
really even want to hear thesestories.
But like, for instance, I justknow, the first time I got a
credit card I was in grad school.
I was taking classes for mygraduate program that I was
about to go to.
I was at Georgia and they hadsome credit card thing and my
roommate and I were like, oh,neither one of us have ever had
(24:30):
a credit card.
Maybe we should do it.
You know, got a t-shirt andwhatever and whatever I don't
know.
You know, we're like 22 and itwas so exciting, like we felt so
, like you know, mature and it.
It wasn't a big mess, but like,definitely I didn't really
understand, as I still think alot of people, don't?
(24:51):
you know how far out it is, thatyou're really, you know paying
and how behind it gets andwhatever.
And I did, I did hit a littlebump there with my little card
situation.
I'm thankful that before it gotcrazy I mean rock bottom for me
you and I've talked about thisis not very deep.
(25:13):
I don't have to hit the bottomvery far before I panic.
So thankfully I panicked early,but it was scary to see it is.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Well, and you just you don't know what you don't
know, and so it's hard to bethere, and no one's ever talked
to you about being in debt andwhat that means.
So I do feel like that'simportant and so something that
explain to them how that works.
You know right exactly, and soum.
(25:45):
Did you have anything elseabout chapter seven?
Speaker 2 (25:50):
No, I really just loved the very last couple of
sentences.
It says children won't driftinto a healthy relationship with
money.
Making good financial decisionsrequires discipline and a plan
and money is not going to bringhappiness.
But living within your meanswith good stewardship can keep
you and your kids from all kindsof regret.
And just I love that first partabout no one drifts.
(26:12):
No one drifts intounderstanding money, and I mean
well, I guess some people, Ifeel like I know some outliers
to that, but for the most partyou have to develop that
relationship with money andunderstand how it works and just
to have grace, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Figure it out.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Figure it out.
So chapter eight is aboutin-laws, step families and the
blend.
So I have experiences with allof those, all of the above.
And it says wear beige and keepyour mouth shut.
That is great, great things toremember, especially as the
(26:54):
holidays are approaching.
This will come out the week ofThanksgiving, so this is really
good information to keep in mindwhen you're sitting around the
dinner table, maybe with peoplethat you have some emotional.
You know things are going on.
You know we just had theelection.
If people you know just dongoing on.
(27:16):
You know we just had theelection.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
If people you know just don't talk about it, Just
just don't, just don't talkabout it.
I mean, I feel like, if peopledo, I feel like I feel, like
before you, and I feel like ifwe just try to back up and have
(27:43):
enough of a pause and sometimesit's hard because nothing is
more triggering than family butI think if we could just say hey
, let's you know, think ofsomething to say, practice it
with your spouse on the way, butjust say hey, today is about
like being together as a family.
We have 364 other days that wecan catch up and discuss all
(28:08):
kinds of hard things.
But, don't we, for our kids andour family, want to have a day
where we show them it doesn'tmatter.
Nothing matters except forfamily.
Today, some families aren'tcapable of that.
But I hope whoever's listening Ihope yours is to the degree
that you can at least get tothere, and if it's not, I mean
(28:29):
gosh.
I'm not going to lie.
I've had some Thanksgivingswhere I sat out on the porch a
lot depending on where we were.
I've had those Thanksgivings,but I think it was in the
interest of trying to not getinto the cuckoo.
(28:51):
You know I didn't want to.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
It's just not worth it.
Right, and so I think I meanyou're not going to change their
mind, they're not going tochange your mind and just love
them for who they are.
And you know, I just I justreally don't think it's a good
idea to get into that.
I did love the five tips tonavigate the relationship and I
(29:17):
think that this can get a littletricky.
I heard something the other dayand I thought it was so great
that when your child, especiallywhen your child gets that
significant other it being aboyfriend or fiance or a husband
or wife and they have tonavigate you know some other
families it's just not about youanymore, maybe to ask them the
(29:39):
question of you know what do theholidays look like for y'all?
You know what are some of yourplans that you have and how can
I help make this easier for you?
What, what's a day that we cancelebrate?
You do not have to celebrateThanksgiving on Thanksgiving day
(30:02):
.
You can celebrate another day,and I think, as long as you are
flexible and realize what is thereal meaning of this, you know
that's, that's, that's whatyou're you're celebrating for
Thanksgiving, gosh, it's justabout being together as a family
, and you can do that on anotherday.
You can have that turkey anddressing on another day besides
(30:23):
Thursday Thanksgiving day.
The more stringent you areabout that, the less you're
going to see your child.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
And so sometimes, yeah, and I feel like it's I
agree with you about that and Ifeel like it's like I know that,
like in my family, like myparents didn't pressure us at
all in that season, in thatseason, which was a great
example but I look back and likethe big, like the extended
(30:59):
family gathering, it was reallyhard to choose.
I mean, if we could justremember our own early parts of
this, it was so hard to chooseto go either place to my parents
and miss Johnny's big extendedfamily gathering because he's,
you know, siblings, grandparents, you know cousins, whatever or
(31:22):
to choose to miss my family'sbig extended, I mean, because
you do feel like you miss, likea big thing.
So your kids are alreadystruggling.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
The change themselves , they also are having a hard
time.
So I think, like you said, ifyou start doing the manipulation
and all that stuff and thatjust all goes back to the first
six principles aboutcommunication, grace remembering
that really most of what youbring up between you and your
(31:54):
kid is your, our own stuff.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Right, I mean if I'm frustrated and I'm lonely and
I'm having separation issues andI'm having like adjustment
issues to the new life with thenew significant others and
whatever that's, that's just thenatural progression and I need
to deal with that Like I need to.
You know, I need to nourish andall that stuff.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
So I do think that the problem is is like we kind
of don't take care of ourselves,leading up to these things and
then it implodes it hits you,yeah, and regarding step
families, I think the majorthing to remember here is just
being respectful of the otherfamily, that it's about the kids
(32:41):
, especially when you knowthey're gosh.
If there's a step family andthen you've just added your
family, the step family that'sin their family, that's three,
possibly four, I mean, you'vegot to realize that that is very
difficult for your child, um,so just to be respectful of that
(33:05):
and understanding um, you know,and if there are um, try to
have a good relationship withthe biological parent.
Um, that is always a good, goodidea, especially when there
ends up being grandkids involved.
So it's, yeah, it can be verytricky, but as long as you just
(33:33):
take care of yourself, so muchof the stress that we put on to
our children really is not aboutthem, it's about us, and
sometimes you have to make newtraditions, you know, and that's
okay.
Some traditions are meant to bekept and some are meant to be
changed, and that that is okay.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Yes, and I love when I hear people get creative and
I've heard you say this withblended families.
I just love when you getcreative and I mean maybe you
know, I just want to, I do wantto speak.
Of course we all want to getalong, of course we all want
(34:17):
harmony, of course, even withinour families, that that maybe we
don't have um blended in thesense of, you know, of second
marriage or whatever, but Ithink most families have some of
that in there, you know, and Iknow we do both sides of our
families and and it and it'sactually an opportunity to, you
(34:38):
know, just make adjustments workwith everybody.
But I think that if you do havea family where it doesn't work I
know it's I cannot imagine howsad that is, but I just hope
that people can find what doeslike something that works,
something that like make a newtradition, if you, you know, or
just kind of, can you kind oflaunch something positive from
(35:03):
where you are?
Speaker 1 (35:04):
Right.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
I mean, and my heart goes out to people who this
Christmas or this Thanksgivingis their first one in a new
situation, you know, like ifit's your first one and you're
not going to spend it withanybody.
Or if it's your first one andyou've just been you know, your
kid's just gotten married.
Or your first one and it's yourown divorce, or something.
(35:26):
I mean it's hard Gosh.
That's like 80% of your graceneeds to be given.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Exactly, Exactly and I think just opening yourself up
to you know, maybe suggestingto your child, you know, if you
know that your child is havingto choose between your house and
you know the boyfriend'sparents house make that
suggestion, you know, why don'twe celebrate the Sunday before,
or, you know, the Sunday after,or?
Speaker 2 (35:56):
whenever We'll come to you?
Speaker 1 (35:57):
Yes, we'll come to you.
How can we make this easier foryou?
I think that it's about beingwith them and celebrating that
holiday, but you can do that ona different day.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
I truly, in those early years of figuring out my
life with Johnny, probably to mewhat felt the most generous
from my parents was for them tooffer to come to us and just it,
because it released the guilt,it released the.
It has to be this way.
At our house this is what wealways do, you know, and it just
(36:38):
it, just felt so life giving.
I just yeah.
I I love how he just like goesinto the reminders about well,
was there, I'm sorry, was thereanything else in that one?
I don't want to skip ahead, Idon't think so?
Speaker 1 (36:54):
No, I don't think so.
I think just being flexible andunderstanding is the most
important thing to remember forthe holidays with your children,
and that includes birthdays too.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
I mean all the things , all the traditions that you
have in your family.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
And I think we can get kind of emotional about that
being the mom, that being themom.
But, um, you know, our, ourentire goal in in raising this
little human is for them to be afully functioning adult, and
part of that is they arecreating their own traditions
and that's going to be on theirbirthday.
They are going to have theirown things that they do.
(37:35):
Um, it's not all about youanymore and it's time for you to
do a self-check.
So sometimes that can be hardand kind of eye-opening.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
So yeah, my mom is always super supportive because
my my grandmothers wonderfulwomen, but they both gave my
parents so much grief about theholidays.
So when Johnny and I gotmarried, my mom was like let me
tell you what we're not going todo.
We're not going to give yougrief.
But yeah, you're right, justflexibility um and you do and
(38:06):
you do want your kids to be insolid adult lives with like
carrying.
I mean, if you think of it like, how fun will it be to see what
they do?
Like what?
they come up with for theirfamily.
So that last principle is aboutbeing a grandparent and, yeah,
(38:27):
you and I we are not quite readyto do this one yet, but I do
love just again, the reminder tojust love and have fun and
enjoy and keep our mouths shut.
And I already see, though.
(38:49):
I mean I do see how it's goingto be interesting when we are in
this season, jennifer, because,like we have so many young
friends with babies because,like everybody that ever nannied
my girls, we're still friendswith them.
My girls babysit for like agazillion people that's like
that's like their main littlebread and butter, and we just
(39:10):
love all these families withtheir young ones and and things
have already just changed somuch right like the way young
moms are doing things, and sosometimes I do find myself just
being like, oh God, just wish Iwish she would just not worry
about that.
I wish she would just you know,or.
Or I'm like, oh gosh, I wishshe, I wish she'd see how much
(39:31):
easier it'd be if they just hada little bit of routine, or
Right.
Why are they already lettingthem watch a screen?
I find myself doing thesethings.
Speaker 1 (39:39):
Right, right, right.
You're like, I can't do thiswhen I'm a grandparent.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
Right, it is making me see that already.
Right.
Like it's making me see already.
Like.
Oh, melinda, be careful withyour little judgy self.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
Right, yeah, I think it's hard, and just to really
realize that our children aregoing to parent completely
different than us and they'regoing to make mistakes, just
like we made, and that that isokay.
You know, mistakes are not badand even if our children make
them, you know, I just thinkit's really important to just
(40:12):
you know you're going to havescars on your tongue from from
biting it, but it's it's worththe scars to keep your mouth
closed.
So just, um, but it's just,it's such a fun um thing to
think about and we do have somefriends that are going through
this stage right now and, um, Ilove that.
You know, it says being agrandparent may be your greatest
(40:32):
legacy.
So, um, I'm, I'm very excitedfor that, um, for that period in
time when it, when it doeshappen.
So, um, god only knows whenthat will be, but, um, it'll
happen at the right time.
So, but, this has been soamazing and I would like to end
(40:53):
this book study, um, just goingback to the very first, the very
first chapter, and end it witha prayer I love that it is on
page 24, a prayer ofrelinquishment.
God, I relinquish my childrento your care and watchfulness.
(41:19):
Give me the courage to let goas they move, sometimes ever so
slowly, toward responsibleadulthood.
Grant me discernment to knowwhen to carefully intervene, and
the restraint to do so onlywhen absolutely necessary.
I acknowledge that this is oneof the hardest transitions I
(41:43):
have ever had to make and that Ineed your guidance and insight
in all things.
Help me to love my children asyou love them, lavishly and with
grace, amen.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
Yeah, that was kind of a good way to end it, but
this has been so fun Again Forour listeners.
Please go get Doing Life Withyour adult children by Jim Burns
.
Mine is full of sticky notesand lots of highlights and
underlines, so I know that Iwill be using this as a
(42:21):
reference.
So this was great.
This was not so bad.
Melinda doing remote it's okay.
We can do this every now andthen.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
That's right, that's right, we can do it.
Speaker 1 (42:33):
Yes, if you still like the Empty Nest Quest.
Give us a review, a rating, andit just helps get the word out.
Share it with your empty nesterfriends, and I'm excited about
our community that we'rebuilding.
Yes, and I love to hear all thefeedback as well.
Yes, all right, until next time.
(42:56):
Yes, y'all have a great week.
We'll see you next time.
Bye, bye, bye.
Thank you for joining us on theEmpty Nest Quest.
We hope today's episode broughtyou inspiration, insight and a
sense of community.
(43:16):
Remember, this is your time tothrive.
If you enjoyed the show, besure to subscribe, leave a
review and share it of community.
Remember, this is your time tothrive.
If you enjoyed the show, besure to subscribe, leave a
review and share it with friends.
Speaker 2 (43:25):
Stay connected with us on YouTube and Instagram at
Empty Nest Quest Podcast formore resources and updates.
Until next time, keep embracingthe journey and thriving on
your empty nest quest.
Music Okay Well, hello.
Okay, well, hello.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
here we are recording our first one, not together in
the same little room yes, forthose of you that are not
watching us um on youtube, weare um, for the first time,
recording in two differentlocations.
We're both at our our housesand we figured more than
anything.
We thought maybe this wouldjust to give it a try, because
(01:10):
our lives are very busy and thiswould be really convenient if
we were able to do this everynow and then.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
I still like being in our own place together, but
this is a good alternative, sothis is a great example of how
um, it's good to do somethingdifferent because it challenges
you a little, Cause I'm, I'mreally like, Ooh, I like the
routine better.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
I like I definitely do too.
So let's do some.
Let's do some life updates,melinda, what's going on with
you?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Honestly I just I've shared with Jennifer right
before we started.
I've got kind of my haircovering it but I had to have a
little procedure done on my faceskin cancer and you know, just
not fun but it didn't go so well.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
It is that reminder to all of us, though, to get
those yearly skin checks.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Yeah, it really is, and I have a great dermatologist
and so, um, and she and I don'tlike dread going or anything,
so it was, it was.
It really was pretty seamlessall things considered, compared
to when I've had this before.
But, um, it's, my mom was like,how do you even have one in
(02:26):
your hair?
And I said, mom, you were onthe boat with me.
All of my life that we spent onthe water and I have freckles
and I had like Auburn hair.
As little girl I was like Idon't know if there's enough
zinc oxide on the planet for youto protect me, but it's worth
it.
I mean, I love all of mymemories on the water.
(02:46):
But yeah, so I've just beendoing that this week and the
weather's just been kind ofgloomy, and so that kind of has
almost literally been a goodthing for me.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
And.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
I don't know how much I've complained here about the
puppy, but he's kind of calmingdown, yay.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
He's growing up.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
I don't know if I've complained as much as the amount
of real estate that complaintstake up in my brain, but he
actually has been pretty much acuddle.
So I think we're on the.
I think we're getting better.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
He's 10 months old.
Oh, 10 months old.
I think we're, I think we're,yep, I think he're getting
better.
He's 10 months old, good, oh,10 months old.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I think he's getting a little better, so that's a
huge relief.
But what's?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
going on with you.
You know it's just been kind ofbusy.
It's.
You know, alumni cookie doughis going in all sorts of
different directions and sojuggling that with teaching full
time and doing the podcast, andyou know it's all stuff that
different directions and sojuggling that with teaching full
time and and doing the podcast,and you know it's all stuff
that I love.
So that's um, that's reallywhat makes it doable.
(03:52):
Um, the kids are, you know,just keeping up with the five
kids and, um, mike was out oftown this weekend, him and
Drayton, who was his oldest,they went to the Jacksonville
Vikings game in Jacksonville.
It's actually today, it's onSunday, when we're recording.
(04:14):
So they're having a goodfather-son.
Drayton graduates next monthfrom Georgia Southern, so this
is a good time for them to kindof be together and bond.
So, but yeah, they're having ablast.
So I've had some alone time.
Yesterday I just had a me day.
(04:35):
I did not plan anythingCompletely, was on my own
schedule and it was delightful.
Went and got a massage andwatched the Georgia game, which
was not great.
But, yeah, I did a massage.
(04:56):
But this is actually going tobe released the Monday of
Thanksgiving week.
So, I think that's fun to kindof keep in mind and think about
that as well.
The top thinking aboutThanksgiving Melinda, what is
your stance on when to decoratefor Christmas?
(05:20):
I know this is very um seemslike people are extra
opinionated about this andpeople feel very strongly.
What is your stance?
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Well, I don't really.
I think I don't really have oneanymore.
I think, when you know, when Iwas growing up, my mom did it
the old way where you had fallstuff out.
My mom's also, though, as youcan relate, my mom's also a
retired teacher.
So everything has its season,because you know, you don't flip
everything in your classroomuntil you flip everything.
(05:54):
So our house operated the sameway.
So it was not in my mom's backin the day.
It was not Christmas untilThanksgiving was over, because
Cause I can tell you, even rightnow she and my dad live out in
the middle of absolutely nowhereand I promise you she has got
harvest theme to the nines I'llnot go down until after
(06:16):
Thanksgiving.
So if I did all that still, Iwould probably honor that.
But I, I, my poor girls theylove when I decorate.
I didn't do, I didn't do anyfall stuff, hardly this year.
I mean embarrassingly little,and so I just don't.
I don't know.
I think it's just been year toyear.
For me I haven't.
(06:36):
It hasn't mattered that much.
I haven't ever, except for theCOVID year, I have never put the
tree up before Thanksgiving,like how some people go ahead
and do their tree and all that.
I'd never done that.
But 2020, oh honey, I thinkNovember 2nd Get that tree up.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
We got to celebrate something.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Yeah, we went.
We just kind of went for itthat year.
But yeah, I don't know Ihaven't done anything
Christmassy yet.
My cross the street neighbor onNovember 1st night I don't even
have to turn on my outsidelights.
It is gorgeous.
She had her whole house donelike professionally, you know,
and it is like her and she hasgot the sweetest adult sons and
(07:20):
they I mean her house literallylooks like Santa is about to be
here in a minute, so it'sbeautiful.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
The North Pole is across the street from you.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Directly across the street.
So I mean we love it because wewalk the dogs at night and we
just get to see her beautifulhouse already.
But it also kind of stress meout because I'm like, oh whoa, I
got to get in the spirit.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
It's easy to get in that comparison trap for the
Christmas.
Yes, we decorate pretty early.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Um and y'all are.
Is Mike big on Christmas Like?
Speaker 1 (07:54):
he is to decorate.
Yes, he absolutely loves todecorate for the holidays.
Um, halloween and Christmas arehis two that he loves.
But I mean he will.
I'll come home and it's as if,um, the house was sprinkled with
some type of magical dust,because he'll have it all done
(08:19):
and really yes, johnny liked itand um, pre, pre mike, pre mike
and my other life I did it all.
I mean I would balance on thebanisters in the attic to hang
the wreaths and everything, andhe absolutely does almost
everything.
Now I'll help him, like withsome of the um christmas, but
(08:42):
yeah, I'm very, very blessed.
So I have started to do just alittle odd and end things, but
nothing major.
And I don't know when we'regoing to get our tree.
This year we get live trees andit's just weird how the, how it
falls this year and so I don'tknow.
(09:03):
We'll have to see, but nojudgment from me.
I mean, if you put up yourChristmas tree in mid October or
the 1st of December, it reallyI don't have any strong feelings
.
Now we'll tell you something Ido have a strong feeling about.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Uh-oh what.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
After it's done it's done.
Okay, we have got some peoplein our neighborhood.
It is, it is November the 10th.
We are recording on Novemberthe 10th.
They've still got theirHalloween decorations up.
I'm not for that.
It hurts to laugh because of myhead.
(09:47):
I'm not for that.
It hurts to laugh because of myhead.
I'm sorry, I am not for thatand I would be for them getting
some type of letter saying takedown your stuff.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Because it is hysterical.
I have a really dear childhoodfriend that is like you and she
probably is the reason that Ihave Welcome to the Empty Nest
Quest the podcast where weredefine midlife and embrace the
journey ahead.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Join your hosts, jennifer and Melinda, as we
share inspiring stories helpfulhints, entrepreneurial advice
and tips that will help youthrive and not just survive
during this transformative timeof your life.
Whether you're approaching theempty nest phase or already
navigating it we're here tosupport you every step of the
way.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Let's embark on this quest together.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
As late as the 27th.
Now I'll tell you one of themain reasons that I feel
strongly about Christmasdecorations, and I know some
people like Mike's parents.
They are Catholic and they keepit up until like January.
They do the 12 days Well, it'sbecause, technically, christmas
starts on Christmas to them, andso I think that is fine, but I
(10:54):
mean, we're talking people thatkeep it up till like February.
That's a problem.
I did that.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
A friend of mine kept her tree up till February one
year and we and the girls and Iwere at her house.
I said, okay, listen, and theirtree was ginormous, they had
these super high ceilings, andso I think what happened is like
well, it's like, and if herhusband, I mean she physically
couldn't do it by herself, andso she's like, I just so it and
(11:22):
I was like well, girl, we'regoing to have to put some hearts
on this tree, like if you'regoing to keep it here.
We're going to have to keep itrolling, and so my girls and I
like, stuck little cutout heartsall over her tree and she was
like.
I feel like.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I've taken it too far .
I've heard of people doing that, keeping it up year round and
putting you know.
That's whatever you know, butone of the reasons why I feel
that strongly about Christmas isbecause my birthday is on
December 28th.
And so when I was growing up myparents did a.
(11:56):
Everyone used to always ask medon't you hate your birthday
being on the 28th?
And I really never did.
And now that I'm an adult Irealized the reason why I never
hated my birthday being on the28th is because, I mean, when
the 26 hit, christmas stuff wasdown and birthday stuff came up,
they never allowed my family togive me like combo gifts.
(12:21):
Birthday gifts were wrapped inbirthday paper, not Christmas
paper.
So they did a really good jobat that and I really think that
that's why.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
I thought I had my phone off and it's in there
doing an alarm.
Okay, keep going.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
That's okay, but I think that's why I, you know,
feel that way.
I could care less.
Now, I mean, at almost 52, Ireally don't care about that,
but as a kid that was, you know,that was really important.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
So, and now I love combo deaths because I get
bigger presents.
That's fun, though I mean I do.
Isn't that funny how we wereactually talking about that not
long ago, about how you know,like when your birthday is in
the calendar really does kind ofinfluence how you feel about
like that season or that holidaythat comes near your birthday.
Like Sarah Kate loves Halloweenand she loves fall, and I'm
(13:19):
like, which makes sense, becauseher birthday is late October
and I never really right.
I never really thought aboutlike um so much of what, and I
think we would love all theseseasons anyway, but it does have
an extra.
You don't realize how it givesyou that extra special little
feeling for like when yourbirthday was fell as a kid or
whatever.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
It really does.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
It's so fun that your parents made it.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
I love, love, love, love the holidays.
So it's fun, fun, but it can bea very difficult time and we'll
hit on that a little bit inthis week's episode episode of
our parenting, doing life withyour adult children.
And this is part three of four.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
We have actually um we made this gonna be four, four
, four, four.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Is this four, four?
This is four, four.
This is four, four.
Okay, we broke the second one.
Was it the second one?
We broke into two, so we brokethe second one into two parts,
and then this is our fourth part.
So this is our final one, and Ithink it's been a great.
It's was, of course, our firstbook study.
I think it's been.
(14:26):
It's been a good experience forus.
I definitely want to do morebook studies.
I think it's really a goodthing to do and gives another
perspective.
But this is the book by JimBurns Doing Life With your Adult
Children and Keep your MouthShut and the Welcome Mat Out.
And this is going to be overprinciples seven, eight and nine
(14:50):
Um and so we were oh, go ahead.
No, I was just saying some ofthis, Melinda, and I have not
experienced yet, because it doesget into like being a
grandparent um, which I'm superexcited about, just not anytime
soon, Um so um, but some of itwe can't experience because we
(15:13):
haven't been there.
But go ahead, Melinda.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Well, we definitely have friends just scattered all
throughout this season already.
It's wild.
Here we are, you know, but yeah, no, I was just saying number
seven, chat.
Principle seven is the highcost of money, and he's just
talking about developingfinancial independence and just
(15:37):
remembering the goal for ourkids is just develop that sense
of responsibility.
And one of the things I just tome there are just a lot of like
overarching themes in this thatI felt were really nice, and
one of you know the examples hepaints is you know, you can't
learn to ride a bike without askint knee, and skint knees
(15:58):
really hurt and there are tearsand it's awful, but you don't
then go okay, forget it, you'renot going to ride a bike.
I feel like so many of my moneylessons, though, were handled as
a young person, like if I likeI know my mom didn't mean to do
this She'll probably be mad atme for putting this out there
(16:20):
but I opened, I mean, these arethe things that I think, though,
really mess with your head withmoney, and we just need to be
mindful with our kids.
But, like, I opened a checkingaccount when I was in high
school and I got my first joband I bounced a check because
I'd forgotten to record one, andI you know all the things.
And she was like, if you bounceanother one, we're closing your
account.
And it was like, oh, okay,cause my mom's super tight and
(16:42):
she wasn't about wasting thatmoney on a bounce check.
And so, you know, a month ortwo passes, I bounced another
one and, the next thing I knowmy account's closed and the
checks are shredded.
And it was just like and I knowthat her thing was just matter
of fact, my mom's very, justlike, practical.
And she was like then, thisisn't the right path for you,
(17:03):
you don't need to do this yet,you just need to, you know, keep
your money in your wallet andwhatever you know, because it
was what, 1987 or something.
But what that told me was youdon't get to mess up.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
And we didn't like, and then there and I and I
needed help, like cause I waslike why wasn't I finding time
to record things I didn't know,to make it more of a routine?
So I think that we I get that,we get involved and our feelings
get involved, because becauselet's be real she probably paid
for my balance checks, right,and she was like I'm not going
to keep paying for this.
(17:38):
You're going to have to closeyour account, but, and so she
would probably have a wholedifferent perspective about this
story.
But I do think that thereminder in all of these things,
when our kids mess up withmoney, as we will, as we're
teaching them thisresponsibility, is just to say
to ourselves and to them we'regoing to goof a few times.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Right.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
I just think there has to be, we can't prize money
so much that you never mess upwith it.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Right, and I think we can't scare them to the point
where they're scared to mess up.
You know you've got to makethem realize that it's okay and
nothing is earth shatteringenough where it should cause you
so much stress and like thingsare fixable.
You can, you can do this,things are fixable.
(18:36):
You can, you can do this,things are fixable.
But it is.
You know, I was.
I think I was surprised to learnthat money was ranked as the
most common concern amongparents of adult children.
So I just, I really and I meanthat's above above all else,
that's above their career,choosing the wrong partner Money
(18:59):
problems were the most rankedas the most worrisome concern
that they have about their adultchildren.
So, but yeah, I think, justreally letting them know that
you're going to make mistakesand it's okay and you're there,
if you know, for advice if theywant it.
(19:19):
But again, I think we'velearned throughout this book to
wait for them to ask for thatadvice and don't be so open to
give it.
So you want to follow throughthat independence so you want to
offer that independence?
Speaker 2 (19:39):
yes, yes, 100% like.
And then the parts of it thatthat are your like.
He to me, he's just alwaysreminding us there are things
you're in the driver's seat onand that is yourself and your
household and your money, right,and so if our kids are getting
our money still, then we do needto talk about and he says that
in the book I'm on page 131, ifpeople have the book out but
(20:00):
it's develop a clear exitstrategy and foster independence
, and so to me that just was thereminder.
I need to always sort of bepreparing the girls for what's
coming next.
And I think this is trial anderror for different people.
I've heard different friends ofmine do this really differently
(20:20):
than we have in differentlittle stages already.
But like one thing, forinstance, I've learned that just
for me, because I getoverwhelmed if I have a million
things pinging around at once,and so like, for example, I
talked to a parent this week.
Like Anna and I went to Boonetwo weeks ago and went up to App
(20:43):
State.
It was so much fun and I stayedwith some other couples and one
of the couple's daughter justgot married and I was like well,
how did you manage that?
Like her, a budget, you know.
And she said, basically Ipulled some other parents and we
(21:04):
kind of said, okay, honey,we're going to give you X amount
of dollars.
And she said and at first I wasjust going to have her give me
the bill, I was going to payflorist, then I was going to pay
and she said my friend said no,no, no, don't do that, because
you'll every decision will beemotional for you.
She said give her half of themoney up front and then you get
(21:27):
her to tell her you when sheneeds the other half and then
give her the other half and justremind her okay, ok, you only
have X amount more.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Then it is hers to budget and if she goes over it's
on her.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
And I was like oh my gosh, that sounds so silly, but
I probably would have done itthe other way, jennifer Right.
I would have to, but actuallywhen, when Anna and Sarah Kate
went to college, I did it theway she did her wedding.
I gave them a flat amount.
This is how much I'm going togive you to have to set yourself
(22:03):
up to get your sheets, for yourbedding, to get your kitchen
stuff, whatever that's all I'mgiving you.
So use it wisely, because if youhave pictures on the wall and
you don't have plates to cook on, that's too bad, you know right
.
And it was actually fun,because then I didn't worry
about what I mean, I kind ofworried about what they bought.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
Right, right what they chose to do with it.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
I was like well, that's their prerogative.
So I think for me that was agreat tip.
That was a great tip.
It made me.
It was very clear.
It was concise.
Um, for other people that wouldnot work, probably.
Um, my mom for me for that.
She gave me money each month orsomething when I got married
(22:45):
and my wedding, but anyway.
So I think.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
But the idea is just, the key is the plan right,
You've got to have a plan andit's not going to.
This is at the end of thechapter.
I like how he says childrenwon't just drift into a healthy
relationship with money.
Making good financial decisionsrequires discipline and a plan,
and sometimes I mean being theparent you've got.
Sometimes you've got toimplement that discipline and a
(23:08):
plan for them, so just dependingon how they were raised and
what you did implement when theywere children.
So, and you know, like we'vesaid before, I think we can all
look back and be like, oh, Iwish I would have done that
differently or given them morefinancial responsibility.
But you can't go back, you canonly look forward.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
So Right, and I really feel like a note I made
to myself, jennifer was um thatit would probably be really
pertinent for us at this phasewith our kids to maybe share
with them some of the storiesfrom early in our adult life
where we did make mistakes.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
And so, and then to tell them the hardships of
figuring out some of the moneyjust to say, hey, you've got
some of this coming.
I share this with you to sayyou might hit some bumps, you
might want to use this as a wayto avoid some of them.
And, again, like you said, youprobably want to ask if they
(24:07):
really even want to hear thesestories.
But like, for instance, I justknow, the first time I got a
credit card I was in grad school.
I was taking classes for mygraduate program that I was
about to go to.
I was at Georgia and they hadsome credit card thing and my
roommate and I were like, oh,neither one of us have ever had
(24:30):
a credit card.
Maybe we should do it.
You know, got a t-shirt andwhatever and whatever I don't
know.
You know, we're like 22 and itwas so exciting, like we felt so
, like you know, mature and it.
It wasn't a big mess, but like,definitely I didn't really
understand, as I still think alot of people, don't?
(24:51):
you know how far out it is, thatyou're really, you know paying
and how behind it gets andwhatever.
And I did, I did hit a littlebump there with my little card
situation.
I'm thankful that before it gotcrazy I mean rock bottom for me
you and I've talked about thisis not very deep.
(25:13):
I don't have to hit the bottomvery far before I panic.
So thankfully I panicked early,but it was scary to see it is.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Well, and you just you don't know what you don't
know, and so it's hard to bethere, and no one's ever talked
to you about being in debt andwhat that means.
So I do feel like that'simportant and so something that
explain to them how that works.
You know right exactly, and soum.
(25:45):
Did you have anything elseabout chapter seven?
Speaker 2 (25:50):
No, I really just loved the very last couple of
sentences.
It says children won't driftinto a healthy relationship with
money.
Making good financial decisionsrequires discipline and a plan
and money is not going to bringhappiness.
But living within your meanswith good stewardship can keep
you and your kids from all kindsof regret.
And just I love that first partabout no one drifts.
(26:12):
No one drifts intounderstanding money, and I mean
well, I guess some people, Ifeel like I know some outliers
to that, but for the most partyou have to develop that
relationship with money andunderstand how it works and just
to have grace, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Figure it out.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Figure it out.
So chapter eight is aboutin-laws, step families and the
blend.
So I have experiences with allof those, all of the above.
And it says wear beige and keepyour mouth shut.
That is great, great things toremember, especially as the
(26:54):
holidays are approaching.
This will come out the week ofThanksgiving, so this is really
good information to keep in mindwhen you're sitting around the
dinner table, maybe with peoplethat you have some emotional.
You know things are going on.
You know we just had theelection.
If people you know just dongoing on.
(27:16):
You know we just had theelection.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
If people you know just don't talk about it, Just
just don't, just don't talkabout it.
I mean, I feel like, if peopledo, I feel like I feel, like
before you, and I feel like ifwe just try to back up and have
(27:43):
enough of a pause and sometimesit's hard because nothing is
more triggering than family butI think if we could just say hey
, let's you know, think ofsomething to say, practice it
with your spouse on the way, butjust say hey, today is about
like being together as a family.
We have 364 other days that wecan catch up and discuss all
(28:08):
kinds of hard things.
But, don't we, for our kids andour family, want to have a day
where we show them it doesn'tmatter.
Nothing matters except forfamily.
Today, some families aren'tcapable of that.
But I hope whoever's listening Ihope yours is to the degree
that you can at least get tothere, and if it's not, I mean
(28:29):
gosh.
I'm not going to lie.
I've had some Thanksgivingswhere I sat out on the porch a
lot depending on where we were.
I've had those Thanksgivings,but I think it was in the
interest of trying to not getinto the cuckoo.
(28:51):
You know I didn't want to.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
It's just not worth it.
Right, and so I think I meanyou're not going to change their
mind, they're not going tochange your mind and just love
them for who they are.
And you know, I just I justreally don't think it's a good
idea to get into that.
I did love the five tips tonavigate the relationship and I
(29:17):
think that this can get a littletricky.
I heard something the other dayand I thought it was so great
that when your child, especiallywhen your child gets that
significant other it being aboyfriend or fiance or a husband
or wife and they have tonavigate you know some other
families it's just not about youanymore, maybe to ask them the
(29:39):
question of you know what do theholidays look like for y'all?
You know what are some of yourplans that you have and how can
I help make this easier for you?
What, what's a day that we cancelebrate?
You do not have to celebrateThanksgiving on Thanksgiving day
(30:02):
.
You can celebrate another day,and I think, as long as you are
flexible and realize what is thereal meaning of this, you know
that's, that's, that's whatyou're you're celebrating for
Thanksgiving, gosh, it's justabout being together as a family
, and you can do that on anotherday.
You can have that turkey anddressing on another day besides
(30:23):
Thursday Thanksgiving day.
The more stringent you areabout that, the less you're
going to see your child.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
And so sometimes, yeah, and I feel like it's I
agree with you about that and Ifeel like it's like I know that,
like in my family, like myparents didn't pressure us at
all in that season, in thatseason, which was a great
example but I look back and likethe big, like the extended
(30:59):
family gathering, it was reallyhard to choose.
I mean, if we could justremember our own early parts of
this, it was so hard to chooseto go either place to my parents
and miss Johnny's big extendedfamily gathering because he's,
you know, siblings, grandparents, you know cousins, whatever or
(31:22):
to choose to miss my family'sbig extended, I mean, because
you do feel like you miss, likea big thing.
So your kids are alreadystruggling.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
The change themselves , they also are having a hard
time.
So I think, like you said, ifyou start doing the manipulation
and all that stuff and thatjust all goes back to the first
six principles aboutcommunication, grace remembering
that really most of what youbring up between you and your
(31:54):
kid is your, our own stuff.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Right, I mean if I'm frustrated and I'm lonely and
I'm having separation issues andI'm having like adjustment
issues to the new life with thenew significant others and
whatever that's, that's just thenatural progression and I need
to deal with that Like I need to.
You know, I need to nourish andall that stuff.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
So I do think that the problem is is like we kind
of don't take care of ourselves,leading up to these things and
then it implodes it hits you,yeah, and regarding step
families, I think the majorthing to remember here is just
being respectful of the otherfamily, that it's about the kids
(32:41):
, especially when you knowthey're gosh.
If there's a step family andthen you've just added your
family, the step family that'sin their family, that's three,
possibly four, I mean, you'vegot to realize that that is very
difficult for your child, um,so just to be respectful of that
(33:05):
and understanding um, you know,and if there are um, try to
have a good relationship withthe biological parent.
Um, that is always a good, goodidea, especially when there
ends up being grandkids involved.
So it's, yeah, it can be verytricky, but as long as you just
(33:33):
take care of yourself, so muchof the stress that we put on to
our children really is not aboutthem, it's about us, and
sometimes you have to make newtraditions, you know, and that's
okay.
Some traditions are meant to bekept and some are meant to be
changed, and that that is okay.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Yes, and I love when I hear people get creative and
I've heard you say this withblended families.
I just love when you getcreative and I mean maybe you
know, I just want to, I do wantto speak.
Of course we all want to getalong, of course we all want
(34:17):
harmony, of course, even withinour families, that that maybe we
don't have um blended in thesense of, you know, of second
marriage or whatever, but Ithink most families have some of
that in there, you know, and Iknow we do both sides of our
families and and it and it'sactually an opportunity to, you
(34:38):
know, just make adjustments workwith everybody.
But I think that if you do havea family where it doesn't work I
know it's I cannot imagine howsad that is, but I just hope
that people can find what doeslike something that works,
something that like make a newtradition, if you, you know, or
just kind of, can you kind oflaunch something positive from
(35:03):
where you are?
Speaker 1 (35:04):
Right.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
I mean, and my heart goes out to people who this
Christmas or this Thanksgivingis their first one in a new
situation, you know, like ifit's your first one and you're
not going to spend it withanybody.
Or if it's your first one andyou've just been you know, your
kid's just gotten married.
Or your first one and it's yourown divorce, or something.
(35:26):
I mean it's hard Gosh.
That's like 80% of your graceneeds to be given.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Exactly, Exactly and I think just opening yourself up
to you know, maybe suggestingto your child, you know, if you
know that your child is havingto choose between your house and
you know the boyfriend'sparents house make that
suggestion, you know, why don'twe celebrate the Sunday before,
or, you know, the Sunday after,or?
Speaker 2 (35:56):
whenever We'll come to you?
Speaker 1 (35:57):
Yes, we'll come to you.
How can we make this easier foryou?
I think that it's about beingwith them and celebrating that
holiday, but you can do that ona different day.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
I truly, in those early years of figuring out my
life with Johnny, probably to mewhat felt the most generous
from my parents was for them tooffer to come to us and just it,
because it released the guilt,it released the.
It has to be this way.
At our house this is what wealways do, you know, and it just
(36:38):
it, just felt so life giving.
I just yeah.
I I love how he just like goesinto the reminders about well,
was there, I'm sorry, was thereanything else in that one?
I don't want to skip ahead, Idon't think so?
Speaker 1 (36:54):
No, I don't think so.
I think just being flexible andunderstanding is the most
important thing to remember forthe holidays with your children,
and that includes birthdays too.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
I mean all the things , all the traditions that you
have in your family.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
And I think we can get kind of emotional about that
being the mom, that being themom.
But, um, you know, our, ourentire goal in in raising this
little human is for them to be afully functioning adult, and
part of that is they arecreating their own traditions
and that's going to be on theirbirthday.
They are going to have theirown things that they do.
(37:35):
Um, it's not all about youanymore and it's time for you to
do a self-check.
So sometimes that can be hardand kind of eye-opening.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
So yeah, my mom is always super supportive because
my my grandmothers wonderfulwomen, but they both gave my
parents so much grief about theholidays.
So when Johnny and I gotmarried, my mom was like let me
tell you what we're not going todo.
We're not going to give yougrief.
But yeah, you're right, justflexibility um and you do and
(38:06):
you do want your kids to be insolid adult lives with like
carrying.
I mean, if you think of it like, how fun will it be to see what
they do?
Like what?
they come up with for theirfamily.
So that last principle is aboutbeing a grandparent and, yeah,
(38:27):
you and I we are not quite readyto do this one yet, but I do
love just again, the reminder tojust love and have fun and
enjoy and keep our mouths shut.
And I already see, though.
(38:49):
I mean I do see how it's goingto be interesting when we are in
this season, jennifer, because,like we have so many young
friends with babies because,like everybody that ever nannied
my girls, we're still friendswith them.
My girls babysit for like agazillion people that's like
that's like their main littlebread and butter, and we just
(39:10):
love all these families withtheir young ones and and things
have already just changed somuch right like the way young
moms are doing things, and sosometimes I do find myself just
being like, oh God, just wish Iwish she would just not worry
about that.
I wish she would just you know,or.
Or I'm like, oh gosh, I wishshe, I wish she'd see how much
(39:31):
easier it'd be if they just hada little bit of routine, or
Right.
Why are they already lettingthem watch a screen?
I find myself doing thesethings.
Speaker 1 (39:39):
Right, right, right.
You're like, I can't do thiswhen I'm a grandparent.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
Right, it is making me see that already.
Right.
Like it's making me see already.
Like.
Oh, melinda, be careful withyour little judgy self.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
Right, yeah, I think it's hard, and just to really
realize that our children aregoing to parent completely
different than us and they'regoing to make mistakes, just
like we made, and that that isokay.
You know, mistakes are not badand even if our children make
them, you know, I just thinkit's really important to just
(40:12):
you know you're going to havescars on your tongue from from
biting it, but it's it's worththe scars to keep your mouth
closed.
So just, um, but it's just,it's such a fun um thing to
think about and we do have somefriends that are going through
this stage right now and, um, Ilove that.
You know, it says being agrandparent may be your greatest
(40:32):
legacy.
So, um, I'm, I'm very excitedfor that, um, for that period in
time when it, when it doeshappen.
So, um, god only knows whenthat will be, but, um, it'll
happen at the right time.
So, but, this has been soamazing and I would like to end
(40:53):
this book study, um, just goingback to the very first, the very
first chapter, and end it witha prayer I love that it is on
page 24, a prayer ofrelinquishment.
God, I relinquish my childrento your care and watchfulness.
(41:19):
Give me the courage to let goas they move, sometimes ever so
slowly, toward responsibleadulthood.
Grant me discernment to knowwhen to carefully intervene, and
the restraint to do so onlywhen absolutely necessary.
I acknowledge that this is oneof the hardest transitions I
(41:43):
have ever had to make and that Ineed your guidance and insight
in all things.
Help me to love my children asyou love them, lavishly and with
grace, amen.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
Yeah, that was kind of a good way to end it, but
this has been so fun Again Forour listeners.
Please go get Doing Life Withyour adult children by Jim Burns
.
Mine is full of sticky notesand lots of highlights and
underlines, so I know that Iwill be using this as a
(42:21):
reference.
So this was great.
This was not so bad.
Melinda doing remote it's okay.
We can do this every now andthen.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
That's right, that's right, we can do it.
Speaker 1 (42:33):
Yes, if you still like the Empty Nest Quest.
Give us a review, a rating, andit just helps get the word out.
Share it with your empty nesterfriends, and I'm excited about
our community that we'rebuilding.
Yes, and I love to hear all thefeedback as well.
Yes, all right, until next time.
(42:56):
Yes, y'all have a great week.
We'll see you next time.
Bye, bye, bye.
Thank you for joining us on theEmpty Nest Quest.
We hope today's episode broughtyou inspiration, insight and a
sense of community.
(43:16):
Remember, this is your time tothrive.
If you enjoyed the show, besure to subscribe, leave a
review and share it of community.
Remember, this is your time tothrive.
If you enjoyed the show, besure to subscribe, leave a
review and share it with friends.
Speaker 2 (43:25):
Stay connected with us on YouTube and Instagram at
Empty Nest Quest Podcast formore resources and updates.
Until next time, keep embracingthe journey and thriving on
your empty nest quest.
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