November 18, 2024 • 33 mins
What happens when the nest empties, and suddenly, it's just you and your thoughts in the quiet of midlife? Join us on the Empty Nest Quest as we unravel the complexities of this transformative phase in parenting. Discover how nurturing personal boundaries and self-care can enrich not only your life but also support your children's journey to individuality. We explore the delicate balance between guiding our children and allowing them to explore their own paths, particularly in the realms of faith and spirituality. Empower your kids to forge their own beliefs and values, fostering fulfilling lives even if they diverge from the road you envisioned.
But that's not all. We also venture into the challenges posed by changing societal norms and academic pressures. Love, redemption, and community become our compass as we tackle the shifting dynamics of parenting. We delve into powerful narratives like the prodigal son, illustrating the themes of unconditional love and the importance of not enabling but compassionately supporting our children. Through personal anecdotes, we advocate for letting go of societal judgments and embracing hope, community, and a loving heart as we accompany our children on their unique journeys. Listen in as we provide insights and encouragement for mastering the art of parenting through life's inevitable ups and downs.
We want to hear from you! Reach out to us on socials or at emptynestquestpod@gmail.com to share how our conversations are landing with you! xo-Melynda and Jennifer
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to the Empty Nest Quest, the podcast where we
redefine midlife and embracethe journey ahead.
Join your hosts, jennifer andMelinda, as we share inspiring
stories, helpful hints,entrepreneurial advice and tips
that will have you thriving notjust surviving, during this
transformative time of your life.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Whether you're approaching the empty nest phase
or already navigating it, we'rehere to support you every step
of the way.
Let's embark on this questtogether.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
I do think so much of wise parenting comes back to
kind of staying on your own pageand taking care of your own
needs.
And if you need therapy, you goget therapy.
Don't project that onto yourkid.
And if you need friends, findsome friends.
Don't make your kids be yourfriend.
You know we do so much likeprojecting as parents.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
I think that is so true.
I think that is so true and Ijust I love this.
(01:39):
When he says I remember tellingone of my daughters that the
day she was born, a piece of myheart was taken from me and
placed squarely in her heart.
From that day on, I was neverthe same I would have, is so
true.
That's I mean when I I was, youknow that quote, that when you
consciously, when, happy as ourmost unhappy child is so, so
true, and so that is.
You know there are hearts andyou know we want to protect them
as much as possible, and butsometimes the best thing to do
is to let them go through that,yeah, the pain, and that's how
(02:02):
they learn.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
And he references the book Boundaries and that's how
they learn.
And he references the bookboundaries and that is a really
great book and if you're local,I have like four copies, because
every time I see them at theused bookstore I buy up all the
copies so I can load them to myclients.
So you can borrow one for me ifyou want a hard copy but.
I that is such a great book.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
That is awesome.
I would love to borrow one.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, it was a really , really great read.
That is great.
Um, and he kind of goes on totalk about which I just feel
like is so important andprobably one of the bigger
things about even like one ofthe sticking points for parents
being when they're kids and Ithink so he's talking, he's
talked specifically about theyhave to individuate and they
(02:46):
have to push away, right, and Ijust and he's there's a section
where he specifically talksabout like their faith and their
kind of spiritual walk, right.
And I remember one of myfriends when I was growing up
whose parents really weren'tokay with her kind of finding
her own way and they just reallyclosed in hard on her and then
(03:11):
she really pushed back hard andshe went a little wild in
college for a minute and she'sgreat and everything is fine
because things usually work outRight.
But I will say my parents wereso great about all this they
just trusted I think.
I think there comes this pointwhere there's like a level of
(03:33):
trust and, um, I think that'sjust the only word I can think
of, unless you can think of abetter one but me, just you
trusting your kid that they canfigure it out.
And I think so often withenabling.
What we're saying is we don'ttrust them, right, and so if we
don't let them kind of push backand figure out their faith on
(03:56):
their own, figure out you knowhow it's going to work in their
life in this new season, because, honestly, y'all, a Sunday
school faith from when you'reseven is not going to help you
deal with the stuff that thesekids are dealing with.
They have got to figure out whatand who church, God, family,
(04:21):
all these big kind ofinstitutions that belong in your
life.
They have to figure that outand it's so hard to let.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
And I think they're going to have everyone.
They're all going to havedifferent walks, you know, and I
think that it's got to be theirwalk.
And when they get married andwhen they have children, it's
going to be their family's walkand that's probably more than
likely's going to be theirfamily's walk and that's
probably more than likely notgoing to look like yours and
it's might not look like whatthey grew up with.
(04:52):
But I feel like you know, youjust have to have the, just have
the faith that it will, it willall work out.
I know that with our five,they've really some, some of
them have taken different walksand that they're, you know,
(05:14):
experiencing different things atdifferent times.
But you know, I think that weraised all of them just with
that faith and no matter ifthey're going to Bible studies
or if they're going to church orwhatever, they have that within
(05:37):
them.
Just, you know, that gives mecomfort as a mom, just knowing
that, no matter what they'rewalking through, that they know
that I pray for them everysingle day and I tell them that,
and I just feel like thatempowers them in a certain sense
(05:58):
, even if they don't recognizethat they know that I pray for
them.
I think it does.
It helps them know that you do,and I think, as parents, that I
think that's important that youtell your children that you
know, that you know I'm prayingfor you.
I pray for you every single day.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
And just and I think, not in a false way, not in a
way of like give everybody atrophy, but in a way of like,
when you see something thatreally lights you up on their
behalf, cease that opportunityto tell them.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Or send them that, send them that scripture, send
them that quote.
You know, don't make it soplanned and I try, I try not to
do that, but I mean literallyalmost every morning, when I
read my devotional, I send it tothem almost every day because
it does.
I'm like, oh, I need to, I wantthem to, I want them to see
this, you know, and so they maynot read it or they may read it
(06:55):
sometimes, but that's up to them.
You know, it's not like I checkin with them and make sure they
read it or anything.
That's that's up to them.
But it's there if they need it,if they want it.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
So, and I think it's fun, I think it.
I think it's fun to think backon our own life and remember the
adults that we felt like,whether it was our parents or
not, and think of like themoments that felt really helpful
and empowering and think aboutthe elements of those moments
that helped in that situation,and whether it was that somebody
(07:27):
did show up and send that textor make that phone call or
whether it was that, you know,somebody was intentional and had
you to coffee every time youcame back in town to see your
parents.
I just feel like I'm really,really fortunate and I know I'm
lucky that my parents had areally great village of friends
(07:47):
that just loved all of eachother's kids so well, and I'm so
thankful.
I grew up in an era ofaccountability and I was scared
to disappoint those mamas,probably more than I was my own,
and so I wasn't trying to actlike a fool out in town because
I didn't want it would get backto them, that's right.
So I think that some of thosethings and some of those people,
(08:09):
so I feel like one of thethings that I would say I feel
like it's so helpful is, ifyou're at a place where you have
younger kids, figure out thoseadult relationships that can be
in your kid's life, that canspeak into them when they're
kind of over your voice.
And we have some great friendsthat are like our age, that our
(08:33):
girls are close to, but alsoyounger friends.
They're like girls who were mybabysitters when the girls were
little.
We've stayed in touch with them.
My girls still have thosepeople to talk to if they need
them.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
I think that's a really nice tool to use as
parents, so it's not all on youall the time, right Cause.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Nor do your kids want it to be all right.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
That's a lot of pressure too.
That kind of filters into thelast.
The last principle for today,principle six and the the title
of chapter six, is when yourgrown child violates your values
, and the principle is you can'twant it more than they want it
(09:13):
and he goes into, you know, alot right here Is this when they
yes, ok, so this is when theygo into they may be in
relationships that you don'tagree with.
It starts out by saying, I guessa friend of his called him and
(09:40):
just did not know how to handlethis situation.
His daughter had just broken upwith her boyfriend and two
months later decided to marry awoman and he was just at a huge
loss.
He didn't know what to do.
(10:01):
He loved, of course, loved hisdaughter and did not want to
lose that relationship.
And I loved his response that hesaid that you know, go to the
wedding.
You know, you, you, thatrelationship with your child is
the most important thing andthat you can be there for your
child and not 100%, not 100%agree with what they're doing.
(10:28):
And you know he went back, hewas like it wouldn't matter if
it was a man or a woman.
You just had a breakup twomonths ago.
You know the chances of thislasting are very, very slim and
it didn't last.
And she, you know, called andasked to come home and that he
(10:49):
was still there for her.
But if he had severed thatrelationship and refused to go
to the wedding and, you know,and refused to go to the wedding
and, you know, threw down hisyou know gauntlet on her, then
that would have ruined theirrelationship and he wouldn't
have been able to be there forher when she did need him.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
And I think that I think that it there's so much
changing that differentgenerations of parents every
generation of parents, I feellike are going to have these
changes that are happening thatthey're not comfortable with,
and I feel like, and it could be, and I feel like it's going to
be different for differentpeople.
I mean, I feel like there's justa lot that I feel like um out
(11:31):
there right now that people arein all this conversation and
debate about, and I think thatwhat I see in my the, my friends
, that when it's you and youfinally have um kind of a dog in
the fight, as they say,hopefully you can, you can tune
out the rest of the world andget really present and realize
(11:53):
what really matters.
Because, again, if the point isthat love is the answer and he
kind of even talks about at onepoint, he summarizes, he goes
really the whole trajectory,which I think is interesting,
because I think even as he saysthis, some of the things he say
(12:14):
contradicts this a little.
But he says the wholetrajectory of the Bible is God
loves his people.
God's people go astray.
God still loves his people andredeems and welcomes them home
and lavishes them with love, andyou know.
And so he's like, let that beyour story.
He's like, let that be yourstory.
(12:36):
And so to me it's not evenreally our place sometimes to
say these things that our kidsare doing.
I mean, there's so muchjudgment and criticism.
Really, think about whensomeone's judgment and criticism
ever helped you in your life.
Do anything but create shame,right?
Speaker 2 (12:53):
Which is not helpful.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
No shame Right, which is not helpful.
No Shame leads to the evenbigger problems like mental
health issues, suicide, divorce,estrangement.
I mean, if you want to get,that puts you in a whole, nother
devastating category,absolutely Again.
It just to me goes back to ifyou're having a super, super big
problem with your kid, or if Iam I'm saying this for myself
(13:16):
too big problem with your kid,or if I am I'm saying this for
myself too.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
It's always the mirror first.
Yeah, it really is Absolutelyyeah, and just go back to that
love, love your child, love yourchild.
I love this.
It's on the top of page 110.
When your young adult kids haveserious adult size problems,
the kind that can derail ahealthy and productive life,
your heart may break.
But your child's choices don'thave to break you.
(13:43):
Your child's regrettabledecisions do not make you a bad
parent.
Even good parents have childrenwho make poor choices.
Yeah, and I think that is superimportant to remember, I have,
you know, our children with five, goodness knows they have made
(14:03):
some poor choices and we've just, I've always reminded myself
just love them through it, lovethem through it, love them
through it.
This is not, this is not mebeing a bad parent.
This is just the choices thatthey've made and you know, it's
just, you've just got to lovethem through it.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
And I think what happens is we get bogged down
into what happened.
How did we end up here?
Speaker 2 (14:30):
And we kind of what did I do wrong?
Right, I didn't done somethingdifferently.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
And I love what he says.
It may be too late forprevention, so kind of.
This isn't the moment to goback and lament, but it's never
too late for redemption.
Miracles happen.
And y'all think about all thestories we love to read, all the
ESPN specials we love to watch.
It's that person that climbedtheir way out of the pit.
It's that person that had thetrial and they overcame it.
(14:57):
Somebody that just made everyright choice all along is so
boring, and really, who arethose people?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
But I think that we just have to remember that we're
raising humans living a humanexperience, and there are going
to be major ups and there aregoing to be some major downs.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Right, and that's why we created this community, so
that we have each other and yourealize you're not alone.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
You know that we are all going through this together.
I love how he says your child'sfailures may well become the
foundation for a whole new life.
Absolutely, this is the powerof redemption.
So just never give up on them,never stop praying for them, and
it's never stopped loving them.
Just because you love them doesnot mean you have to love their
(15:44):
decisions.
It means you love them.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
And he does a great rewrite of the prodigal son,
like the conversations thatwould have happened.
I think that's kind of fun toread through to give you more.
It kind of makes it so muchmore like human, because
sometimes those really tried andtrue stories in the Bible kind
of lose their relevance becausethey you know what I mean you
just get them to stale in yourhead.
(16:09):
You've seen them at Bible schoola million times and it's like
oh gosh.
But I love how he rewrote.
Oh, I love it too how theconversation would go.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Part of it says the father displayed great love and
wisdom in his response.
I think you're making a baddecision and a poor choice with
potentially terribleconsequences, but I'm your
father and my home is alwaysopen to you.
What some parents don'tunderstand is that you can still
(16:37):
show love as your childrensuffer the natural outcome of
their actions.
And it just talks about how theson eventually did come home
and his father warmly andlavishly welcomed him.
That just gave me chills.
I love that so much so.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
I think, god, there's stories I think I just well,
I'll hold, I need to ask myfamily some permission.
But there's some really goodstories in my family of family,
parents within my extendedfamily that did the thing, that
had to hold some boundaries,that had really really hard,
(17:16):
tough conversations and thewhole time kept saying we're
doing this because we love you.
Right, and so much redemptionin those stories, right, people
that overcame terrible addiction, all kinds of things that it's
just.
It really the power of hangingin with someone but not enabling
(17:40):
, you know, having anexpectation for them, and that
goes into right here.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
It's on the bottom of 112.
Don't confuse tough love withmeanness.
The purpose of meanness is tobe hurtful, which is the
opposite of tough love.
Tough love is intended to putyour child on the path to
healing and wholeness, so Ithink that's really important to
(18:06):
remember.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
There's just so that.
And then when he talks about,he says don't be a one topic,
parent, right, y'all.
I mean that cracks me up,because everybody's done that
right.
Like you have that thing you'reobsessing about like the grade
they made on that one paper thatyou want to just keep.
Hey, did you get your paperback?
Hey, did you get your paper?
That for me it's not grades Idon't hound my girls about
(18:28):
grades but it's.
But you know it kind of in onthat one thing.
Hey did you for Johnny and meit would be more like hey did
you apply for that job?
Hey, have you heard back?
Right and the girls are likegeez, can we have a conversation
with you?
That's not about right.
And it's like oh, sorry, and Ifound myself.
I can't even remember what itwas last week, but I found
(18:48):
myself like kind of somethingwas on my mind.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
And I kept.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
I was like I have started every conversation this
week with that.
I'm getting on my own nerves,and so I had to stop.
I'm bugging myself.
Yes, I had to stop.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
But it was just funny and I love I see that you put
this underline too.
Don't dump your anger andfrustration on your child.
It's never a good idea to dumpour stuff on them.
If you need to have aconversation, conversation and
you will make sure you aren'tjust unloading your feelings on
them.
That will only lead toresentment and further
(19:21):
distancing.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Well, and I don't know if you had that happen, I
mean, I would think as an onlychild that could have been an
easy thing in your familybecause you felt like an adult,
the adults around you, but itdefinitely happened to me.
In my family I was the oldestgirl and I think often everybody
felt like I was already anadult and the adults would vent
to me and I didn't see anythingwrong with it.
(19:46):
I sort of wore it as a badge ofhonor.
But later in my life I learnedthat that probably was not very
healthy.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
This is not the greatest.
Yeah it really wasn't.
That's something that I've beensuper careful about, especially
with Stephanie, because she'sthe oldest daughter and I caught
myself a couple of times kindof unloading on her about, you
know, some of the other kids andI was like wait, this is not
(20:14):
appropriate, this is her, theseare her siblings, and so I've
completely stopped doing that.
So that is something I caughtmyself before, hopefully before
it became a problem, and becauseshe doesn't, that's not her job
.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
You know she is so easy with a girl like her.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
I'm like cause I looked at her I mean, especially
now that she's, you know, anadult and on her own.
And she was funny when shefinally got her big girl job and
she said to me okay, can youplease admit now that you're my
friend, because I would tell herwhen she was, you know, when
she was younger, especially likemiddle school, high school,
(20:54):
even college, I'm like I am notyour friend, I am your parent, I
am not your friend, I am yourparent.
And so she finally said okay,can you finally admit that
you're my friend?
We are friends now, right, andso it was cute.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
And I hope okay, and if you haven't done it yet, now
you got to do it.
That's like goes back to hisrite of passage.
You need to go on a friend dateyes, exactly, and we do and we
do.
She lives in a really fun partof it, absolutely like making it
official.
Do a friend cake or a friend.
That's too cute.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
I'll have to get her like a, I'll have to give her.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Get her like a bff oh my gosh, please do it.
That would be so funny.
That's a good idea.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
That'd be a fun idea hopefully she won't listen to
this before christmas and I'llget her a little best friend
charm.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
I think that would be so cute.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
And I just love this that you know, a lot of times, I
think we can complicate prayerand you don't know what to say.
You don't know.
You know, especially if you'renew to prayer.
So I just love this and it's sosimple and powerful and it's
just um this.
(22:01):
And he says this is the prayerI pray each day.
God, I release my children toyour loving care and tender
mercies.
That's it.
And I'm like that is sobeautiful and simple.
That is so beautiful and simpleLike I release them and I just
feel like that's sometimes thatthat can be the hardest thing to
(22:22):
do.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
But sometimes we have to step away and give it to God
so he can do the the work.
You know, sometimes we hang onso tight we don't even know what
God is possible of doingbecause we are hanging on so
tight.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
One of the one of the principles I talk about with
clients a lot is relinquishingcontrol, which is what that is,
and then just kind of, and in my, in my words, I just often say
like what if we just pry ourfingers, open and open our hands
and and I think, with our kidsit is so hard.
And I want to just say, say likewhat if we just pry our fingers
open and open our hands?
And I think with our kids it isso hard.
And I want to just say topeople, because I know that
(23:01):
everybody just has differentphases of how prayer feels, how
sometimes it feels really goodand helpful, sometimes it feels
stale and you're like why am Idoing this?
And I feel like prayer andmeditation are versions on a
continuum of the same thingwhere prayers come to mean we
bring our petitions and kind ofsay I need to please bless.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Right, you know, here are my list.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
Yeah, here's my nightly prayer list.
And then meditation, dependingon the tradition I mean, there's
so many traditions that havethings like.
Meditation is more about likestillness and quiet, and I just
want to tell you that both ofthose are in the same family and
really both serve each other.
So a little bit of quiet inyour prayer, a little bit of
(23:51):
prayer in your meditation arereally beautiful.
And so, even if you don't haveany words and you truly can just
sit with your hands open inyour lap, just as a physical
demonstration of like I'm goingto try to open my hands and not
hold on so tight to my kids andbe still.
Yeah, and be still.
(24:11):
And Jennifer did a little reelnot long ago about these prayer
rocks.
I think it something like alittle just anything physical,
yes, but sometimes you don'thave the right words, but I do
(24:38):
love the idea of a very simplelittle prayer or something you
can say to yourself, just keepit simple.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Yes, just remind yourself you're not in it alone.
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
That there is, you know, so much more happening in
the life of your kids than justwhat you're doing, and I think
that's actually helpful.
Yes, yeah, it shouldn'tdiscourage us.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
It should help us stay hopeful and a lot of this
chapter is what we have goneover.
Just you know, when your childstrays from the faith that they
were raised with you know whatdo you do?
What is it my fault?
Could I have done thingsdifferently?
And I think you just need toremember you know he says life
(25:24):
is complicated and bad thingssometimes do happen to good
parents, and just that a lot oftimes your attitude and
perspective mean a lot,absolutely, and just to find
that it's just.
But I think, being in acommunity and it's so hard when
(25:45):
it comes to kids, I thinkbecause we have not only and I
found this to be true with mychildren not only do we have the
idea that we had in our head ofwhat they would be like when
they're an adult, but and thatgoes back to you've got to
(26:07):
grieve that part that doesn'tlook exactly the way you thought
it would, um, and that's okayto grieve that, there's nothing
wrong with that.
That's a sense of loss.
But also you have to let go ofwhat other people think.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
And that is something that I definitely had to let go
of.
We live in a very smalltalkative community and where
you know your kids take, if theydon't take, ap classes and
they're not in this and that andthis and that you know people
are like what's going on withthem, you know, and I was guilty
(26:50):
of playing into that, and thenafter Will graduated from high
school and I saw what, thattremendous amount of stress that
I didn't put on him but he puton himself because of what was
going on in the community,because he felt that high
expectation there's nothingwrong with high expectations.
(27:11):
I'm not saying that, but what Iam saying is you've got to
realize that for some kids thereis a huge mental health factor
to what is going on with puttingthose just silly expectations
on these kids.
I mean all these AP courses andit's just.
(27:33):
I just it completely changedour viewpoint with the remaining
four.
None of the four have taken APclasses since Will and Will had
Will graduated.
He was pretty much a sophomorewhen he graduated high school,
but we it took a huge toll onhim.
He wasn't you know, it was just, it was a huge stress.
(27:55):
Um, and so he has taken a verymuch a different route than the
others have.
Um, you know, and it's he'staken a route that he's
comfortable with and we've beenthere for him and we've
supported him.
But it's been, it's been toughand um, you know, he's just,
he's going back to school inJanuary, um, and he's 26.
(28:19):
So I think he's probably goingto get so much out of it he went
and visited the school thathe's going to go to in January
about I guess it's been like twoand a half three years ago and
he said to me the other day he'slike I can't believe I didn't
just do it then and I'm like youknow well, it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
It wasn't the right time.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Now is the right time , absolutely, you know.
So, I think, to give them thatgrace and to realize, you know,
there there are going to bedifferent routes that they take,
and it's not one that's right,not one that's wrong.
And you've got to let go ofwhat everyone else is expecting,
because it really does notmatter.
(29:01):
What matters is they arehealthy and they are happy, and
that they're just, you know,just healthy and happy and
growing, and growing.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Yes, I feel like I love your.
I love your point about thepressure they have now, because
I think that it is easy for usto slip into.
You know, in some ways and Idon't ever want to do this, but
it's like it's easy to slip into.
Oh, kids have it easier now orto slip into and then kind of
(29:38):
flippantly ignore the problemsthey face, or to go the opposite
route and think that they haveit so hard and then rush in and
enable them.
And there is this middle groundof saying what you're saying
it's a little bit messy, butjust figuring it out as you go
and there are some of our kidsthat will pay a price and have a
consequence and have a toughexperience that will benefit
(30:01):
their siblings because we do itdifferently.
And I think that happened withmy girls too.
Same exact thing the APs toofast and furious for Sarah, kate
, and, and she, she wasphysically very sick and you
just cannot miss school whileyou're doing that and she had a
concussion it was.
It was such a mess and um.
But I think what was great wasAnna had the freedom to make
(30:26):
those choices and she definitelyput some pressure on herself,
but for the most part I could.
I watched her navigate it sodifferently because she saw, oh,
mom and dad didn't fall apart,sarah didn't take every single
AP.
It's fine.
And so I think, um, even withcollege kids I do just want to
throw this in there that one ofmy friends that works at UGA
(30:48):
pointed out to me the other daythat these college kids have
such a tougher collegeexperience than we did, because
you know, we got a syllabus atthe beginning of the semester
and the only time your professorcould change anything is when
you were in their class.
Right?
These college kids have asyllabus that is constantly
(31:10):
changing and moving and theprofessor can update it in any
given second and add in a newhour long video to watch a new
47 chapter book, and it'sbonkers.
And so they get out of lectureand they have no idea what's
waiting.
I did not realize, I did noteven think about that, and so
she was like yeah, these kids,it is hard and I would have
(31:34):
freaked out as a student.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Can you imagine that gives me heart palpitations just
thinking about it.
Because I was such a I lovedgetting that syllabus and
checking things off andhighlighting things.
I would have that.
Just I would not have.
I would not have done well.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
So I'm glad I went to college.
When I did, I did.
I know, so I just wanted to putout there for us to have
compassion for ways we don'teven see technology impacting
our kids that are helpful andhurtful, that um, in jobs and in
college and things it canhinder.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
It can definitely hurt people because it's just.
It's just, it's been a.
It's been a huge blessing in somany ways, but I think it has
been a curse as well.
Yeah, so many things are.
I mean, often things are ablessing and a curse at the same
time.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yeah, it's just how we use it, that's right.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Yep, well, this has been fun.
Again it has been a little bitlonger, but hopefully you're
getting a lot out of this book.
Again, we'll put the link up topurchase the book and again
it's called Doing Life with yourAdult Children, keeping your
Mouth Shut and the Welcome MatOut by Jim Burns.
(32:48):
So hope you've enjoyed it andwe will see you next week.
Yes, bye for now.
And oh rate us.
Give us, give us that five-starreview.
It takes two seconds, but itmeans so much.
And like us on Facebook andInstagram and join our Facebook
group.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Thank you so much.
See you next time.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Thank you for joining us on the empty nest quest.
We hope today's episode broughtyou inspiration, insight and a
sense of community.
Remember this is your time tothrive.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
If you enjoyed the show, be sure to subscribe,
leave a review and share it withfriends stay connected with us
on youtube and instagram atEmpty Nest Quest Podcast for
more resources and updates.
Until next time, keep embracingthe journey and thriving on
your empty nest quest.
Welcome to the Empty Nest Quest, the podcast where we
redefine midlife and embracethe journey ahead.
Join your hosts, jennifer andMelinda, as we share inspiring
stories, helpful hints,entrepreneurial advice and tips
that will have you thriving notjust surviving, during this
transformative time of your life.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Whether you're approaching the empty nest phase
or already navigating it, we'rehere to support you every step
of the way.
Let's embark on this questtogether.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
I do think so much of wise parenting comes back to
kind of staying on your own pageand taking care of your own
needs.
And if you need therapy, you goget therapy.
Don't project that onto yourkid.
And if you need friends, findsome friends.
Don't make your kids be yourfriend.
You know we do so much likeprojecting as parents.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
I think that is so true.
I think that is so true and Ijust I love this.
(01:39):
When he says I remember tellingone of my daughters that the
day she was born, a piece of myheart was taken from me and
placed squarely in her heart.
From that day on, I was neverthe same I would have, is so
true.
That's I mean when I I was, youknow that quote, that when you
consciously, when, happy as ourmost unhappy child is so, so
true, and so that is.
You know there are hearts andyou know we want to protect them
as much as possible, and butsometimes the best thing to do
is to let them go through that,yeah, the pain, and that's how
(02:02):
they learn.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
And he references the book Boundaries and that's how
they learn.
And he references the bookboundaries and that is a really
great book and if you're local,I have like four copies, because
every time I see them at theused bookstore I buy up all the
copies so I can load them to myclients.
So you can borrow one for me ifyou want a hard copy but.
I that is such a great book.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
That is awesome.
I would love to borrow one.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, it was a really , really great read.
That is great.
Um, and he kind of goes on totalk about which I just feel
like is so important andprobably one of the bigger
things about even like one ofthe sticking points for parents
being when they're kids and Ithink so he's talking, he's
talked specifically about theyhave to individuate and they
(02:46):
have to push away, right, and Ijust and he's there's a section
where he specifically talksabout like their faith and their
kind of spiritual walk, right.
And I remember one of myfriends when I was growing up
whose parents really weren'tokay with her kind of finding
her own way and they just reallyclosed in hard on her and then
(03:11):
she really pushed back hard andshe went a little wild in
college for a minute and she'sgreat and everything is fine
because things usually work outRight.
But I will say my parents wereso great about all this they
just trusted I think.
I think there comes this pointwhere there's like a level of
(03:33):
trust and, um, I think that'sjust the only word I can think
of, unless you can think of abetter one but me, just you
trusting your kid that they canfigure it out.
And I think so often withenabling.
What we're saying is we don'ttrust them, right, and so if we
don't let them kind of push backand figure out their faith on
(03:56):
their own, figure out you knowhow it's going to work in their
life in this new season, because, honestly, y'all, a Sunday
school faith from when you'reseven is not going to help you
deal with the stuff that thesekids are dealing with.
They have got to figure out whatand who church, God, family,
(04:21):
all these big kind ofinstitutions that belong in your
life.
They have to figure that outand it's so hard to let.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
And I think they're going to have everyone.
They're all going to havedifferent walks, you know, and I
think that it's got to be theirwalk.
And when they get married andwhen they have children, it's
going to be their family's walkand that's probably more than
likely's going to be theirfamily's walk and that's
probably more than likely notgoing to look like yours and
it's might not look like whatthey grew up with.
(04:52):
But I feel like you know, youjust have to have the, just have
the faith that it will, it willall work out.
I know that with our five,they've really some, some of
them have taken different walksand that they're, you know,
(05:14):
experiencing different things atdifferent times.
But you know, I think that weraised all of them just with
that faith and no matter ifthey're going to Bible studies
or if they're going to church orwhatever, they have that within
(05:37):
them.
Just, you know, that gives mecomfort as a mom, just knowing
that, no matter what they'rewalking through, that they know
that I pray for them everysingle day and I tell them that,
and I just feel like thatempowers them in a certain sense
(05:58):
, even if they don't recognizethat they know that I pray for
them.
I think it does.
It helps them know that you do,and I think, as parents, that I
think that's important that youtell your children that you
know, that you know I'm prayingfor you.
I pray for you every single day.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
And just and I think, not in a false way, not in a
way of like give everybody atrophy, but in a way of like,
when you see something thatreally lights you up on their
behalf, cease that opportunityto tell them.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Or send them that, send them that scripture, send
them that quote.
You know, don't make it soplanned and I try, I try not to
do that, but I mean literallyalmost every morning, when I
read my devotional, I send it tothem almost every day because
it does.
I'm like, oh, I need to, I wantthem to, I want them to see
this, you know, and so they maynot read it or they may read it
(06:55):
sometimes, but that's up to them.
You know, it's not like I checkin with them and make sure they
read it or anything.
That's that's up to them.
But it's there if they need it,if they want it.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
So, and I think it's fun, I think it.
I think it's fun to think backon our own life and remember the
adults that we felt like,whether it was our parents or
not, and think of like themoments that felt really helpful
and empowering and think aboutthe elements of those moments
that helped in that situation,and whether it was that somebody
(07:27):
did show up and send that textor make that phone call or
whether it was that, you know,somebody was intentional and had
you to coffee every time youcame back in town to see your
parents.
I just feel like I'm really,really fortunate and I know I'm
lucky that my parents had areally great village of friends
(07:47):
that just loved all of eachother's kids so well, and I'm so
thankful.
I grew up in an era ofaccountability and I was scared
to disappoint those mamas,probably more than I was my own,
and so I wasn't trying to actlike a fool out in town because
I didn't want it would get backto them, that's right.
So I think that some of thosethings and some of those people,
(08:09):
so I feel like one of thethings that I would say I feel
like it's so helpful is, ifyou're at a place where you have
younger kids, figure out thoseadult relationships that can be
in your kid's life, that canspeak into them when they're
kind of over your voice.
And we have some great friendsthat are like our age, that our
(08:33):
girls are close to, but alsoyounger friends.
They're like girls who were mybabysitters when the girls were
little.
We've stayed in touch with them.
My girls still have thosepeople to talk to if they need
them.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
I think that's a really nice tool to use as
parents, so it's not all on youall the time, right Cause.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Nor do your kids want it to be all right.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
That's a lot of pressure too.
That kind of filters into thelast.
The last principle for today,principle six and the the title
of chapter six, is when yourgrown child violates your values
, and the principle is you can'twant it more than they want it
(09:13):
and he goes into, you know, alot right here Is this when they
yes, ok, so this is when theygo into they may be in
relationships that you don'tagree with.
It starts out by saying, I guessa friend of his called him and
(09:40):
just did not know how to handlethis situation.
His daughter had just broken upwith her boyfriend and two
months later decided to marry awoman and he was just at a huge
loss.
He didn't know what to do.
(10:01):
He loved, of course, loved hisdaughter and did not want to
lose that relationship.
And I loved his response that hesaid that you know, go to the
wedding.
You know, you, you, thatrelationship with your child is
the most important thing andthat you can be there for your
child and not 100%, not 100%agree with what they're doing.
(10:28):
And you know he went back, hewas like it wouldn't matter if
it was a man or a woman.
You just had a breakup twomonths ago.
You know the chances of thislasting are very, very slim and
it didn't last.
And she, you know, called andasked to come home and that he
(10:49):
was still there for her.
But if he had severed thatrelationship and refused to go
to the wedding and, you know,and refused to go to the wedding
and, you know, threw down hisyou know gauntlet on her, then
that would have ruined theirrelationship and he wouldn't
have been able to be there forher when she did need him.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
And I think that I think that it there's so much
changing that differentgenerations of parents every
generation of parents, I feellike are going to have these
changes that are happening thatthey're not comfortable with,
and I feel like, and it could be, and I feel like it's going to
be different for differentpeople.
I mean, I feel like there's justa lot that I feel like um out
(11:31):
there right now that people arein all this conversation and
debate about, and I think thatwhat I see in my the, my friends
, that when it's you and youfinally have um kind of a dog in
the fight, as they say,hopefully you can, you can tune
out the rest of the world andget really present and realize
(11:53):
what really matters.
Because, again, if the point isthat love is the answer and he
kind of even talks about at onepoint, he summarizes, he goes
really the whole trajectory,which I think is interesting,
because I think even as he saysthis, some of the things he say
(12:14):
contradicts this a little.
But he says the wholetrajectory of the Bible is God
loves his people.
God's people go astray.
God still loves his people andredeems and welcomes them home
and lavishes them with love, andyou know.
And so he's like, let that beyour story.
He's like, let that be yourstory.
(12:36):
And so to me it's not evenreally our place sometimes to
say these things that our kidsare doing.
I mean, there's so muchjudgment and criticism.
Really, think about whensomeone's judgment and criticism
ever helped you in your life.
Do anything but create shame,right?
Speaker 2 (12:53):
Which is not helpful.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
No shame Right, which is not helpful.
No Shame leads to the evenbigger problems like mental
health issues, suicide, divorce,estrangement.
I mean, if you want to get,that puts you in a whole, nother
devastating category,absolutely Again.
It just to me goes back to ifyou're having a super, super big
problem with your kid, or if Iam I'm saying this for myself
(13:16):
too big problem with your kid,or if I am I'm saying this for
myself too.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
It's always the mirror first.
Yeah, it really is Absolutelyyeah, and just go back to that
love, love your child, love yourchild.
I love this.
It's on the top of page 110.
When your young adult kids haveserious adult size problems,
the kind that can derail ahealthy and productive life,
your heart may break.
But your child's choices don'thave to break you.
(13:43):
Your child's regrettabledecisions do not make you a bad
parent.
Even good parents have childrenwho make poor choices.
Yeah, and I think that is superimportant to remember, I have,
you know, our children with five, goodness knows they have made
(14:03):
some poor choices and we've just, I've always reminded myself
just love them through it, lovethem through it, love them
through it.
This is not, this is not mebeing a bad parent.
This is just the choices thatthey've made and you know, it's
just, you've just got to lovethem through it.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
And I think what happens is we get bogged down
into what happened.
How did we end up here?
Speaker 2 (14:30):
And we kind of what did I do wrong?
Right, I didn't done somethingdifferently.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
And I love what he says.
It may be too late forprevention, so kind of.
This isn't the moment to goback and lament, but it's never
too late for redemption.
Miracles happen.
And y'all think about all thestories we love to read, all the
ESPN specials we love to watch.
It's that person that climbedtheir way out of the pit.
It's that person that had thetrial and they overcame it.
(14:57):
Somebody that just made everyright choice all along is so
boring, and really, who arethose people?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
But I think that we just have to remember that we're
raising humans living a humanexperience, and there are going
to be major ups and there aregoing to be some major downs.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Right, and that's why we created this community, so
that we have each other and yourealize you're not alone.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
You know that we are all going through this together.
I love how he says your child'sfailures may well become the
foundation for a whole new life.
Absolutely, this is the powerof redemption.
So just never give up on them,never stop praying for them, and
it's never stopped loving them.
Just because you love them doesnot mean you have to love their
(15:44):
decisions.
It means you love them.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
And he does a great rewrite of the prodigal son,
like the conversations thatwould have happened.
I think that's kind of fun toread through to give you more.
It kind of makes it so muchmore like human, because
sometimes those really tried andtrue stories in the Bible kind
of lose their relevance becausethey you know what I mean you
just get them to stale in yourhead.
(16:09):
You've seen them at Bible schoola million times and it's like
oh gosh.
But I love how he rewrote.
Oh, I love it too how theconversation would go.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Part of it says the father displayed great love and
wisdom in his response.
I think you're making a baddecision and a poor choice with
potentially terribleconsequences, but I'm your
father and my home is alwaysopen to you.
What some parents don'tunderstand is that you can still
(16:37):
show love as your childrensuffer the natural outcome of
their actions.
And it just talks about how theson eventually did come home
and his father warmly andlavishly welcomed him.
That just gave me chills.
I love that so much so.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
I think, god, there's stories I think I just well,
I'll hold, I need to ask myfamily some permission.
But there's some really goodstories in my family of family,
parents within my extendedfamily that did the thing, that
had to hold some boundaries,that had really really hard,
(17:16):
tough conversations and thewhole time kept saying we're
doing this because we love you.
Right, and so much redemptionin those stories, right, people
that overcame terrible addiction, all kinds of things that it's
just.
It really the power of hangingin with someone but not enabling
(17:40):
, you know, having anexpectation for them, and that
goes into right here.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
It's on the bottom of 112.
Don't confuse tough love withmeanness.
The purpose of meanness is tobe hurtful, which is the
opposite of tough love.
Tough love is intended to putyour child on the path to
healing and wholeness, so Ithink that's really important to
(18:06):
remember.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
There's just so that.
And then when he talks about,he says don't be a one topic,
parent, right, y'all.
I mean that cracks me up,because everybody's done that
right.
Like you have that thing you'reobsessing about like the grade
they made on that one paper thatyou want to just keep.
Hey, did you get your paperback?
Hey, did you get your paper?
That for me it's not grades Idon't hound my girls about
(18:28):
grades but it's.
But you know it kind of in onthat one thing.
Hey did you for Johnny and meit would be more like hey did
you apply for that job?
Hey, have you heard back?
Right and the girls are likegeez, can we have a conversation
with you?
That's not about right.
And it's like oh, sorry, and Ifound myself.
I can't even remember what itwas last week, but I found
(18:48):
myself like kind of somethingwas on my mind.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
And I kept.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
I was like I have started every conversation this
week with that.
I'm getting on my own nerves,and so I had to stop.
I'm bugging myself.
Yes, I had to stop.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
But it was just funny and I love I see that you put
this underline too.
Don't dump your anger andfrustration on your child.
It's never a good idea to dumpour stuff on them.
If you need to have aconversation, conversation and
you will make sure you aren'tjust unloading your feelings on
them.
That will only lead toresentment and further
(19:21):
distancing.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Well, and I don't know if you had that happen, I
mean, I would think as an onlychild that could have been an
easy thing in your familybecause you felt like an adult,
the adults around you, but itdefinitely happened to me.
In my family I was the oldestgirl and I think often everybody
felt like I was already anadult and the adults would vent
to me and I didn't see anythingwrong with it.
(19:46):
I sort of wore it as a badge ofhonor.
But later in my life I learnedthat that probably was not very
healthy.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
This is not the greatest.
Yeah it really wasn't.
That's something that I've beensuper careful about, especially
with Stephanie, because she'sthe oldest daughter and I caught
myself a couple of times kindof unloading on her about, you
know, some of the other kids andI was like wait, this is not
(20:14):
appropriate, this is her, theseare her siblings, and so I've
completely stopped doing that.
So that is something I caughtmyself before, hopefully before
it became a problem, and becauseshe doesn't, that's not her job
.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
You know she is so easy with a girl like her.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
I'm like cause I looked at her I mean, especially
now that she's, you know, anadult and on her own.
And she was funny when shefinally got her big girl job and
she said to me okay, can youplease admit now that you're my
friend, because I would tell herwhen she was, you know, when
she was younger, especially likemiddle school, high school,
(20:54):
even college, I'm like I am notyour friend, I am your parent, I
am not your friend, I am yourparent.
And so she finally said okay,can you finally admit that
you're my friend?
We are friends now, right, andso it was cute.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
And I hope okay, and if you haven't done it yet, now
you got to do it.
That's like goes back to hisrite of passage.
You need to go on a friend dateyes, exactly, and we do and we
do.
She lives in a really fun partof it, absolutely like making it
official.
Do a friend cake or a friend.
That's too cute.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
I'll have to get her like a, I'll have to give her.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Get her like a bff oh my gosh, please do it.
That would be so funny.
That's a good idea.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
That'd be a fun idea hopefully she won't listen to
this before christmas and I'llget her a little best friend
charm.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
I think that would be so cute.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
And I just love this that you know, a lot of times, I
think we can complicate prayerand you don't know what to say.
You don't know.
You know, especially if you'renew to prayer.
So I just love this and it's sosimple and powerful and it's
just um this.
(22:01):
And he says this is the prayerI pray each day.
God, I release my children toyour loving care and tender
mercies.
That's it.
And I'm like that is sobeautiful and simple.
That is so beautiful and simpleLike I release them and I just
feel like that's sometimes thatthat can be the hardest thing to
(22:22):
do.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
But sometimes we have to step away and give it to God
so he can do the the work.
You know, sometimes we hang onso tight we don't even know what
God is possible of doingbecause we are hanging on so
tight.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
One of the one of the principles I talk about with
clients a lot is relinquishingcontrol, which is what that is,
and then just kind of, and in my, in my words, I just often say
like what if we just pry ourfingers, open and open our hands
and and I think, with our kidsit is so hard.
And I want to just say, say likewhat if we just pry our fingers
open and open our hands?
And I think with our kids it isso hard.
And I want to just say topeople, because I know that
(23:01):
everybody just has differentphases of how prayer feels, how
sometimes it feels really goodand helpful, sometimes it feels
stale and you're like why am Idoing this?
And I feel like prayer andmeditation are versions on a
continuum of the same thingwhere prayers come to mean we
bring our petitions and kind ofsay I need to please bless.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Right, you know, here are my list.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
Yeah, here's my nightly prayer list.
And then meditation, dependingon the tradition I mean, there's
so many traditions that havethings like.
Meditation is more about likestillness and quiet, and I just
want to tell you that both ofthose are in the same family and
really both serve each other.
So a little bit of quiet inyour prayer, a little bit of
(23:51):
prayer in your meditation arereally beautiful.
And so, even if you don't haveany words and you truly can just
sit with your hands open inyour lap, just as a physical
demonstration of like I'm goingto try to open my hands and not
hold on so tight to my kids andbe still.
Yeah, and be still.
(24:11):
And Jennifer did a little reelnot long ago about these prayer
rocks.
I think it something like alittle just anything physical,
yes, but sometimes you don'thave the right words, but I do
(24:38):
love the idea of a very simplelittle prayer or something you
can say to yourself, just keepit simple.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Yes, just remind yourself you're not in it alone.
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
That there is, you know, so much more happening in
the life of your kids than justwhat you're doing, and I think
that's actually helpful.
Yes, yeah, it shouldn'tdiscourage us.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
It should help us stay hopeful and a lot of this
chapter is what we have goneover.
Just you know, when your childstrays from the faith that they
were raised with you know whatdo you do?
What is it my fault?
Could I have done thingsdifferently?
And I think you just need toremember you know he says life
(25:24):
is complicated and bad thingssometimes do happen to good
parents, and just that a lot oftimes your attitude and
perspective mean a lot,absolutely, and just to find
that it's just.
But I think, being in acommunity and it's so hard when
(25:45):
it comes to kids, I thinkbecause we have not only and I
found this to be true with mychildren not only do we have the
idea that we had in our head ofwhat they would be like when
they're an adult, but and thatgoes back to you've got to
(26:07):
grieve that part that doesn'tlook exactly the way you thought
it would, um, and that's okayto grieve that, there's nothing
wrong with that.
That's a sense of loss.
But also you have to let go ofwhat other people think.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
And that is something that I definitely had to let go
of.
We live in a very smalltalkative community and where
you know your kids take, if theydon't take, ap classes and
they're not in this and that andthis and that you know people
are like what's going on withthem, you know, and I was guilty
(26:50):
of playing into that, and thenafter Will graduated from high
school and I saw what, thattremendous amount of stress that
I didn't put on him but he puton himself because of what was
going on in the community,because he felt that high
expectation there's nothingwrong with high expectations.
(27:11):
I'm not saying that, but what Iam saying is you've got to
realize that for some kids thereis a huge mental health factor
to what is going on with puttingthose just silly expectations
on these kids.
I mean all these AP courses andit's just.
(27:33):
I just it completely changedour viewpoint with the remaining
four.
None of the four have taken APclasses since Will and Will had
Will graduated.
He was pretty much a sophomorewhen he graduated high school,
but we it took a huge toll onhim.
He wasn't you know, it was just, it was a huge stress.
(27:55):
Um, and so he has taken a verymuch a different route than the
others have.
Um, you know, and it's he'staken a route that he's
comfortable with and we've beenthere for him and we've
supported him.
But it's been, it's been toughand um, you know, he's just,
he's going back to school inJanuary, um, and he's 26.
(28:19):
So I think he's probably goingto get so much out of it he went
and visited the school thathe's going to go to in January
about I guess it's been like twoand a half three years ago and
he said to me the other day he'slike I can't believe I didn't
just do it then and I'm like youknow well, it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
It wasn't the right time.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Now is the right time , absolutely, you know.
So, I think, to give them thatgrace and to realize, you know,
there there are going to bedifferent routes that they take,
and it's not one that's right,not one that's wrong.
And you've got to let go ofwhat everyone else is expecting,
because it really does notmatter.
(29:01):
What matters is they arehealthy and they are happy, and
that they're just, you know,just healthy and happy and
growing, and growing.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Yes, I feel like I love your.
I love your point about thepressure they have now, because
I think that it is easy for usto slip into.
You know, in some ways and Idon't ever want to do this, but
it's like it's easy to slip into.
Oh, kids have it easier now orto slip into and then kind of
(29:38):
flippantly ignore the problemsthey face, or to go the opposite
route and think that they haveit so hard and then rush in and
enable them.
And there is this middle groundof saying what you're saying
it's a little bit messy, butjust figuring it out as you go
and there are some of our kidsthat will pay a price and have a
consequence and have a toughexperience that will benefit
(30:01):
their siblings because we do itdifferently.
And I think that happened withmy girls too.
Same exact thing the APs toofast and furious for Sarah, kate
, and, and she, she wasphysically very sick and you
just cannot miss school whileyou're doing that and she had a
concussion it was.
It was such a mess and um.
But I think what was great wasAnna had the freedom to make
(30:26):
those choices and she definitelyput some pressure on herself,
but for the most part I could.
I watched her navigate it sodifferently because she saw, oh,
mom and dad didn't fall apart,sarah didn't take every single
AP.
It's fine.
And so I think, um, even withcollege kids I do just want to
throw this in there that one ofmy friends that works at UGA
(30:48):
pointed out to me the other daythat these college kids have
such a tougher collegeexperience than we did, because
you know, we got a syllabus atthe beginning of the semester
and the only time your professorcould change anything is when
you were in their class.
Right?
These college kids have asyllabus that is constantly
(31:10):
changing and moving and theprofessor can update it in any
given second and add in a newhour long video to watch a new
47 chapter book, and it'sbonkers.
And so they get out of lectureand they have no idea what's
waiting.
I did not realize, I did noteven think about that, and so
she was like yeah, these kids,it is hard and I would have
(31:34):
freaked out as a student.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Can you imagine that gives me heart palpitations just
thinking about it.
Because I was such a I lovedgetting that syllabus and
checking things off andhighlighting things.
I would have that.
Just I would not have.
I would not have done well.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
So I'm glad I went to college.
When I did, I did.
I know, so I just wanted to putout there for us to have
compassion for ways we don'teven see technology impacting
our kids that are helpful andhurtful, that um, in jobs and in
college and things it canhinder.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
It can definitely hurt people because it's just.
It's just, it's been a.
It's been a huge blessing in somany ways, but I think it has
been a curse as well.
Yeah, so many things are.
I mean, often things are ablessing and a curse at the same
time.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yeah, it's just how we use it, that's right.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Yep, well, this has been fun.
Again it has been a little bitlonger, but hopefully you're
getting a lot out of this book.
Again, we'll put the link up topurchase the book and again
it's called Doing Life with yourAdult Children, keeping your
Mouth Shut and the Welcome MatOut by Jim Burns.
(32:48):
So hope you've enjoyed it andwe will see you next week.
Yes, bye for now.
And oh rate us.
Give us, give us that five-starreview.
It takes two seconds, but itmeans so much.
And like us on Facebook andInstagram and join our Facebook
group.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Thank you so much.
See you next time.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Thank you for joining us on the empty nest quest.
We hope today's episode broughtyou inspiration, insight and a
sense of community.
Remember this is your time tothrive.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
If you enjoyed the show, be sure to subscribe,
leave a review and share it withfriends stay connected with us
on youtube and instagram atEmpty Nest Quest Podcast for
more resources and updates.
Until next time, keep embracingthe journey and thriving on
your empty nest quest.
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