August 19, 2024 • 61 mins
Join Malinda Fox-Wellington on Enjoying Life OTR as she welcomes Angela Griffith, The Christian Sexpert, to explore maintaining strong relationships in the trucking world.
Discover the transformative '12 Intimacies' concept, learn practical strategies for staying connected across miles, and find solutions to common long-distance relationship challenges.
Whether you're a trucker or a partner at home, this episode offers invaluable insights on communication, solo parenting, and keeping love alive despite separation.
Tune in for expert advice on turning relationship roadblocks into opportunities for deeper connection.
Angela Griffith, known as The Christian Sexpert to over 100,000 social media followers, has dedicated more than two decades to studying human sexuality and God's design for intimacy. With 20+ years of marriage to her trucker husband, Angela brings unique insights into long-distance relationships. A homeschool mom and leader for Natural Christian Mommas, she coaches women to embrace their God-given sexuality. Angela's mission? To challenge the status quo and help couples "Go have good sex!"
Connect with Angela:
Website: https://www.thechristiansexpert.com/
Email: angela@thechristiansexpert.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thechristiansexpert/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thechristiansexpert
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMrHEas4zWmIIHpa4ZmM-JA
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thechristiansexpert
#TruckerRelationships #LongDistanceLove #IntimacyTips #ChristianSexpert #TruckingLifestyle
Enjoying Life OTR—because LIVING WELL is worth the effort. We’re sparking curiosity, adventure, & resilience while honoring drivers and embracing a healthier trucking life. Discover creative life hacks & practical strategies to make the most of your time on the road. Join the movement!Explore, enjoy the food, snap the pic, and share tips on saving money along the way.
This podcast is for new and veteran drivers looking to stay mentally, physically, and financially strong while embracing the freedom of the road. We bring you real stories, expert advice, & practical tools to help you thrive, not just survive, in the trucking life.
Connect with Us: Join the Enjoying Life OTR Facebook Group – Share your journey, find trip recommendations, & connect with fellow drivers. Follow our Facebook page – Get the latest podcast episodes, trucking tips, & entertaining content. Visit our website – Explore our journey, see community highlights, and access resources for a healthier, more balanced OTR life.
For questions or to be a guest, email our host, Cindy Tunstall at EnjoyingLifeOTR@gmail.com #HealthierTruckers #EnjoyingLifeOTR #TruckerWellness #OTRLife #WorkLifeBalance
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, truckers and road warriors, this is Dino,
your roadie and guide on theside for enjoying life, otr.
When I'm not behind the mic,I'm behind the wheel as a
full-time OTR driver and concerthauler of all genres.
If you want to hear more aboutmy adventures, check out episode
51.
Today, we've got a killer showlined up that's all about
keeping the spark alive in yourrelationship while living the
(00:21):
life of a trucker.
Our host, melinda FoxWellington, sat down with Angela
Griffin, a Christian sexpertwho's married to a trucker
herself.
They're diving deep intomaintaining intimacy, effective
communication and balancingfamily life when you're miles
apart, whether you're a seasonedroad dog or a rookie driver.
This episode is packed withpractical tips to strengthen
your relationship and keep yourhome fires burning.
(00:43):
So crank up the volume, settlein for the long drive ahead and
let's hit the road to betterrelationships.
This is Enjoying Life, otr.
Let's hammer down.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Enjoying Life OTR Conversations that inspire
curiosity, adventure andresilience.
We're honoring drivers andsharing their adventures and
becoming healthier truckers.
Stay tuned to discover creativelife hacks and practical
strategies for enhancing ourwell-being and making the most
of our time on the road.
Welcome to Enjoying Life, OTR.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
Hey everyone.
It's Melinda, and as a driver,I know how the miles between my
husband and I can sometimesstretch our relationship to its
limits, and there have beennights that I've lain awake
wondering if he still feelsconnected to me despite the
distance.
Have you felt this way too?
(01:33):
So, whether you're a drivermissing home, a partner holding
down the fort or anyone tryingto keep love alive across the
miles, this episode is for you.
Buckle up, because we're aboutto take our relationship on the
road of a lifetime.
Let's hand it over to Angela toget this journey started.
Speaker 4 (01:55):
Absolutely.
Hi, I'm Angela the Christiansexpert.
I talk all about sex andintimacy in marriage primarily.
But you don't really have to bemarried or even a Christian to
follow me.
A good portion of my followersare neither.
They say that this is the sexed that they should have gotten
when they were younger.
I have been married over 20years to a truck driver.
(02:17):
He wasn't a truck driver whenwe got married.
That started about seven yearsago now.
He's been on the road for aboutseven years Currently.
His job is amazing.
He's home most nights.
He's got a salaried position sohe doesn't even have to work
five days a week, every weekmost of the time.
(02:38):
But there are some times wherehe still goes out for an
overnight run, where he stillgoes out for an overnight run.
And actually two weeks ago wedidn't see him all week because
he broke down in Detroit and theprocess of figuring out if he
(03:03):
was going to wait for a repairor leave the truck, get a rental
, drive to the hub and get a newtruck.
It was a mess.
So we didn't see him for awhole week and I am out of
practice with solo parenting, sothat was a rough week.
But yeah, so I have.
I'm a sex and intimacy coach,influencer, um and public
(03:25):
speaker, and I have a lot ofexperience with long distance
relationships, solo parenting,um how the over the road life
affects a marriage, so that'sone of the things that I really
love getting to talk about ishow we can maintain healthy um
marriages sex lives, even whenwe aren't in the same state.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Yes, and that's very important, especially for over
the road drivers.
It's difficult juggling, I know, with.
Luckily I don't have kids athome right now, which you do.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
Luckily I don't have kids at home right now, which
you do.
How old?
Speaker 3 (04:07):
are your kids, my son's about to be 10.
Okay so, and it's interestingto see here the opposite side of
it, because with me being thedriver on the road all the time,
I know what it's like beinggone and it's going to be
interesting to learn what it'slike for the ones that stay home
to kind of give that differentperspective.
Like for the ones that stayhome to kind of give that
(04:27):
different perspective.
One of my biggest things withthe coach is I had a client and
he said the hardest thing thathe had adjusting to being over
the road was losing thatintimacy of sleeping next to
someone every night and havingthat contact, not actual sexual
intercourse contact, but justthat cuddling contact and
(04:50):
everything that intimacy portionof it.
He said that was the hardestthing and it affected him
mentally more than anything else.
Have you come across otherdrivers like that?
Speaker 4 (05:00):
absolutely.
Um, we humans are designed tobe social creatures.
We are not meant to live inisolation, and it's real easy
for truckers to slip into thatisolation unknowingly.
And there have been a lot ofstudies done on the importance
of touch, you know, one of themost famous being the monkey
(05:23):
study, where the monkey wasraised by a robotic mom and the
baby just was a failure tothrive because he needed the
touch of a mother.
And it's so sad.
And so there's, there's waysthat you can.
Nothing, nothing replaces touch.
(05:45):
Right, but if you lean intoother intimacies with your
spouse, you can kind of mitigatethe impact a little bit of the
lack of physical touch I talkabout.
There's 12 different types ofintimacy that we can experience
(06:06):
in marriage.
Sex is only one of them.
And so really leaning intointimacies like the intellectual
intimacy, the communicationintimacy, even recreational
intimacy with your spouse canhelp sort of fill that cup until
you can be with them again andhaving the touch.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Yeah, that's a great point is all the different types
of intimacy.
A lot of people really justassociate intimacy and sex
together and it's so many morefactors into it.
So I love the work that you'redoing.
I really do because it's soneeded and it's, you know, a lot
of our generations, becausemost truck drivers are in their
(06:49):
40s and 50s.
In that generation we didn'treally talk about intimacy, so
we were never taught all thedifferent levels of it.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
Absolutely.
That's something I run into alot is people have a very narrow
definition of what intimacy is,but if we quickly run through
the 12 types of intimacy there'sso many, we have the 12 types
very quickly are aesthetic,commitment, communication,
(07:19):
conflict, creative crisis,emotional, intellectual,
recreational, sexual, spiritualand work, and some of those are
pretty obvious.
Right, communication, intimacywe all know.
You know the importance ofcommunication, especially if you
have a couple where you're overthe road, communication is
going to be the number one thingthat you need to be doing to
(07:41):
keep the marriage healthy.
But some other forms ofintimacy that we can really lean
into with a spouse that's overthe road my favorite personally
is recreational intimacy.
Recreational intimacy is allabout how you have fun together
and a lot of people right noware like well, how am I supposed
to like do recreationalintimacy when we're not even in
(08:01):
the same same space?
My husband and I found ways toadapt our recreational intimacy
for when he's not here, becausehe does still have times where
he, um, you know like has to goto a training or you know he has
to go change out trucks orsomething Right, and he's going
(08:22):
to be gone for like three days.
Um, there's different um boardgames that we have found that we
can adapt to playing togethervia FaceTime.
So, for example, there's um agame called welcome to your
perfect home and it's aspecialized deck of cards and
(08:43):
two sheets of paper and what wedo is I set up um my FaceTime
camera so that he can see thecards, and then he has a paper
and I have a paper and he doeshis.
You know, he plays on his paper, I play on my paper, I flip the
cards and he can see it onvideo, and so we are literally
playing a board game together, acard game board game together
(09:07):
via FaceTime, and that's.
Board games are our favoriteform of recreational intimacy
anyhow.
So that's a very easy way thatwe can engage in recreational
intimacy and maintain that, thatcloseness while he he's apart.
Obviously spiritual intimacy,as we are Christians, one of the
(09:27):
things that we do is, if myhusband's not home, I call him
when I'm putting our son to bedat night and we pray together as
a family and that's part of,you know, parenting with our son
and the plan for when daddy'snot home.
You know, we know that we'regoing to have that spiritual
connection at the end of theevening.
(09:48):
Um, work intimacy.
A lot of truckers, um, myhusband loves when I go on the
truck with him and that you knowthat's a very obvious form of
work intimacy.
But work intimacy usually formost couples is not actually
going to their job together,because in most industries that
would be pretty weird.
But for trucker couples thatcould be a form of work intimacy
(10:13):
.
But work intimacy is often moreoften things like working
together to achieve a commongoal.
So, for instance, when you'rehome, home cooking a meal
together, gardening together,right, the aspects of building
your life together is a part ofwork intimacy, and so there's
all kinds of ways that you canengage in those things even when
(10:36):
you're apart.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Very true, very true.
I know with my husband and I wehave set times that we
communicate on the phone andthen you know, of course, touch
bases throughout with each other.
Like that I also like towhenever, because my dog and I
we like to hike a lot wheneverwe stop at different areas in
the house.
So then I'll throw up, if Ihave good signal, video chat and
(11:02):
my husband will go on a hikewith me.
Speaker 4 (11:08):
So that is spectacular and so actually that
could be a little bit ofaesthetic intimacy too, because
aesthetic intimacy is creatingmoments of beauty together in
your lives.
So you both observing thehiking area, like if you guys
watch a sunset together overFaceTime, that's a perfect
example of an aesthetic momentof intimacy.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
Yeah, well, I know, with my husband and I we had to
set very clear boundaries on ourcommunication.
Like, okay, so when I'm drivingand we're communicating on the
(11:53):
headset and he says somethingand I don't respond to him when
he feels like I should respond,he used to get very irate with
me, like, okay, you're ignoringme and I'm like, no, if you want
to communicate with me whileI'm driving and I zone out it's
because I've got cars that I'mlike trying to pay attention to
and stuff.
So we've had to learn how toset very clear boundaries on our
communication.
Have you had anybody else thatyou've worked with on how to
(12:15):
figure out?
Work with them to figure outhow to set those boundaries?
Speaker 4 (12:20):
my, actually that's something that my husband and I
have struggled with.
My husband thinks that I have,just like, this magical ability
to call him when he's trying toback into a dock, because he's
always like you call me.
The moment I hit the truck intoreverse and I'm like look, I
(12:41):
don't know, this is not, I'mjust, I'm just, I'm just picking
up the phone.
Okay, look, I don't know, thisis not, I'm just, I'm just, I'm
just picking up the phone, okay,um.
So we established a systemwhere, um, if I call him and
he's backing into a doc or youknow, he's in the middle of a
traffic jam or whatever, he justignores the call.
Um, he doesn't pick it up,right Cause we had the problem
where he would be picking it upand he would be all grumpy with
(13:03):
me.
He's like I'm backing into it.
I'm like then why did youanswer?
If you're busy, don't answerthe phone.
He's like well, it could beimportant.
I'm like, okay.
So we established if you arebacking up, you can't talk
whatever, just don't answer thecall.
And if it's an emergency becausewe do have a kid, you know if
it's an emergency, I willimmediately call back.
(13:24):
So if I call two or three timesin a row.
It's an emergency and I reallyneed you to pick up the phone.
Otherwise, call me back as soonas you have the ability to do
so.
Now he does have ADHD, sosometimes I'll call.
An hour goes by and I'll callagain.
He'll be like oh yeah, I forgotto call you back.
Right, but that was a boundarythat he and I established was,
(13:47):
if you know that you'redistracted, just don't pick up
the call.
You know we can.
We can talk again in with causethere's there's not a lot of
real emergencies, right.
Like nobody, nobody.
Like the house isn't on fireand his truck isn't on fire.
So you know, like it it's, it'snot, um, and I think a lot of
(14:12):
couple, a lot, a lot of thatstuff comes down to, um, one
part of the couple perceiving aspecific sort of behavior as a
personal rejection, and that'snot what we need to be doing in
healthy relationships isassuming good.
(14:32):
Now, if your relationship hasother red flags for abuse or
neglect or things like that,that's a separate conversation.
But if your marriage isgenerally healthy, then you
should be assuming the good intheir actions.
You know they're distracted,something else is going on.
He's on the phone with his boss.
(14:53):
You know he's stuck in atraffic jam and he's on the CB
trying to get an update aboutwhere he should get.
Try and get off the highway,right, so assuming.
Or alternatively, sometimes heforgets and gets mad and call if
he's calling me and he can'tget ahold of me right away and
I'm like I'm running a businessand homeschooling your kid and
(15:16):
I'm on the board of directorsfor another ministry, like dude
I.
I can't always pick up thephone when you call.
So I try and tell him.
You know I call him as soon asI get up in the morning and I'll
tell.
Give him the rundown of.
I have a client at you know one.
I've got a podcast at 10 and hetries to not call during those
(15:38):
times.
Right, but it's the same thinghe's.
He's needs to assume I'm notjust ignoring him.
You know it might be because Ihave five other hats that I wear
, aside from just his wife.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Yes, and I think that's so important to to keep
in mind, because I know when myhusband and I are communicating,
he'll start telling me abouthis day and I'm like, I mean,
I'm not there, I'm not in it.
So it's hard for those keyaspects to be important to me
because I'm elsewhere and I haveto remind myself that, even
(16:16):
though those key parts are notimportant to me, but he's
important to me and those partsare important to him.
So therefore they are importantand it's just a conscious
mental game.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
I guess you could say that I play with myself so I
can stay focused and rememberthat those are important, even
because they're important to himand he's important to me yeah,
really, um, investing in eachother's, the minutiae of each
other's day-to-day is importantbecause you are separated
(16:58):
physically and traditionalcouples are invested in the
minutiae of each other'sday-to-day because of proximity,
and so you, um trucker coupleshave to make a conscious effort
to be invested in the minutiaeof the to day of each other's
lives.
I I don't honestly care aboutwhether my, what the this is,
(17:28):
how bad I am about this.
Okay, the things that aresupposed to be balanced in the
truck and sometimes they don'tload it right.
And then he has to stop and hehas to balance things, and I'm
like I don't even know what theword is.
There's a word for it and hegripes about it all the time
because apparently nobody knowshow to load his truck correctly.
And I don't, I don't honestlycare, but I, I do because that's
(17:53):
no, I'm being a good wife andcaring, but, dude, if I have to
hear about balance, I'm laughingso hard because my husband and
I had those conversations andit's so funny because I know
exactly what he's talking aboutand hearing it coming from you.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
I hear the same thing from my described so poorly,
hearing it coming from me,described so so very poorly yes,
yes, yes, that's so funny, yeah, um, so, being essentially a
spouse of a trucker, you were,for the most part, a single mom,
(18:37):
especially when he was over theroad.
How was that juggle and whatare some strategies that you
learned to cope with it?
And how could your truck driver, whether it's male or female,
help at home when they're on theroad?
Speaker 4 (19:01):
help at home when they're on the road.
So I first want to make thedistinction that when you're
married with a spouse, out ofthe house, most of the time it's
solo parenting, because I dostill have the support,
especially the financial support, versus a single parent is, you
know, has no support, and sothat's an important distinction,
um, which I got jumped foronline very early on.
(19:26):
Um, and I do think it's animportant distinction, uh,
between solo and single, butsolo parenting Um so the when my
husband first went over theroad, I had never lived alone in
my life.
I went straight from my, myparents' house to marriage.
Um, we had never been apart formore than two nights after 16
(19:54):
years of marriage and I didn'tknow what I was doing and
everything that could go wrongin our apartment went wrong when
he left, literally the day.
We dropped him at the busstation at like midnight and the
next day my air conditioningwas broken.
There was um yellow jacketsflooding my apartment.
(20:17):
Um, the some, some um bottlespray bottle that was on top of
my dryer fell over in the middleof the night and my dryer was
on fire at two in the morning.
Oh, my goodness, all within thefirst week and we lived in a
literal like slum apartment andthe slumlords would not fix the
(20:39):
air conditioning, even though myson and I had medical
conditions that require airconditioning.
It was 95 degrees in myapartment.
I was in full hysterics.
My, my husband, had been theat-home parent for the first
three years of our son's life.
I was still working because Ineeded the insurance until his
insurance kicked in.
I, after like the third orfourth day of dropping my son at
(21:02):
the babysitter, I I literallywas standing on her front step.
She opens the door and just I'mlike how did you see all that
for so many years?
And started sobbinghysterically at 730 in the
morning.
Um, so it was.
It was a hard transition.
Um, so some of the things thatwe implemented in those early
(21:26):
days when he truly was over theroad, you know, gone um five,
six weeks, home three days, gonefive, six weeks was um,
facetiming over dinner as afamily.
Um, so I would come home, Iwould make dinner for my son and
I, we would set up the iPad anddaddy as long as daddy wasn't
um, you know, in the middle ofdoing something, he was
(21:47):
FaceTiming with us um, while weate dinner.
So even if he was driving andcouldn't, you know, look at us,
my son could see his face, um,and so that was very important,
um something.
Some other things that we'vedone is, um, my husband if he,
if we know he's going to be gonefor a longer time, he will take
(22:09):
a book on the truck and call myson and read to my son, while
my son is like playing cars orplay-doh or something.
So he's, you know, it's stillan active part of our schooling,
um, where he's reading to him.
And even if you you don'thomeschool, um, it's so
important to read to your kidsanyway, and that's something
(22:31):
that can easily, easily be donevia FaceTime.
Um, other things are be donevia FaceTime.
Other things are if there'ssome sort of a phone call or
administrative task that myhusband could conceivably handle
from the road, I would try andhand that over to him just to
take a little bit deeper on that.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
What do you mean by that?
Speaker 4 (22:56):
I don't know, switch insurance companies for, like,
car insurance.
Okay, okay, you know somethinglike that that you know it
doesn't require you know itdoesn't require me to do it, it
doesn't necessarily require himto do it, it's just one person
of the couple needs to do it andyou don't need access to
anything within the household inorder to handle that Right.
(23:19):
So, um, that sort of thing Iwould try and hand over.
Um, something that was reallyimportant was when he was
getting ready to come home, wewould sit down after my son was
would go to bed and we wouldsort of have a business meeting
where we would talk aboutexpectations for his home time.
Um, you know things that neededto happen, things that he
(23:42):
needed to do, things that wewere planning to do as a family,
um, sort of you know, if my sonhad requested anything but, um,
you know, like there were.
There were certain things likeoh, I need you to repair blah,
blah, blah when you're home.
Right, how do you do this?
Yeah, but having thatexpectation set before he even
(24:06):
walks in the door, because oneof the things was like he's like
well, this is my only time offwork.
I'm like cool, but this is myonly time with my husband I
could.
There's things I physicallycannot do around the house that
you have to take care of.
And he's thinking I'm justgoing to play with our kid and
sit on the couch for three days.
I'm like that's not going towork and so having and I don't
(24:32):
want to spend the whole timethat he's home fighting that out
and making those negotiations Iwanted to have those
negotiations before he ever gothome.
So what, our time at home wasmore peaceful, right?
So that's an awesome strategy,right?
So we both had clearexpectations going into his time
(24:53):
off.
Um, so there weren't, you know,fights.
Because we found, at thebeginning, the transition of him
being gone and like coming into this routine that my son and
I had established pretty hard,right, because things were
different, because he wasn'thome all the time and things
that had worked when he was theat-home parent were no longer
(25:14):
functional for me.
He was the at-home parent, wereno longer functional for me,
and so we needed to make surethat the expectations and
transitions were set before hewalked back in the house.
So I would also try and makesure that all of my personal
(25:35):
errands and meal prep and stuffwere done before he got home,
because I wouldn't want to spendmy whole time that he was home
in the kitchen cooking.
So I would rely heavily oncrockpot meals or meal prepping
as much as I could before he gothome, chopping all the
vegetables I was going to use ina dish that he had requested or
you know something like that.
(25:56):
So I wasn't meal prepping thewhole time that he was home.
Those are sort of some of thebig things.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
Yeah, those are some awesome tips and tricks that
drivers can learn to incorporateto just make time at home a
little bit smoother.
And I really like the strategyof having, like the night before
a ballpark, business meeting.
Speaker 4 (26:19):
Okay, okay, this is what I need, this is what you
need, and, and just establishingthat before you even pop those
breaks and shut down, you know,for those three or four days,
that's an awesome tip yeah, alot of of conflict in marriage
can be avoided if both of youare managing expectations well,
(26:40):
because a lot of conflicthappens because your spouse is
failing to meet some sort ofunspoken expectation that you
have Part of.
Really getting good atcommunication in marriage is
making sure that you areproactively communicating and
not waiting until somethinghappens to communicate.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
So just to kind of articulate this in a different
viewpoint if we have a load andwe're talking to our dispatcher
to get that load, and gettingthose details hashed out prior
to we even start trip planningallows us to trip plan so much
(27:24):
better because we already havethe details and everything from
dispatch.
Essentially, it's the samething with your spouse, but it's
with home activities instead ofload activities.
Speaker 4 (27:38):
Absolutely so.
Something that I would encouragetrucker couples to do is to
read or listen to the book FairPlay by Eve Rudotsky, because
it's all about who is carryingthe mental and emotional labor
(28:00):
for your household.
The person who is at home bydefault is going to be carrying
the majority of the mental andemotional labor for the entire
household, and so it's reallyimportant that couples figure
out how the trucker spouse canlighten the load on the at-home
(28:25):
person, and part of that processis having very explicit
conversations that might seemredundant or unnecessary,
because you have, like, thisinternalized belief about like
well, this is just the way it'ssupposed to be, so like why do
we have to talk about it?
Well, your spouse might notagree with your concept of the
(28:48):
way that things are or aresupposed to be, and the book
lays out for you like how youcan have those conversations,
how you can discuss expectationsand things like that, and so a
lot of I think some truckersmight get frustrated by the book
(29:10):
because they're going to be,like well, I'm not home and this
doesn't apply to me, but itdoes.
You're just going to have tofigure out how to adapt the
concepts to make it apply.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Right, yeah, that's a lot of things that I teach
about is the strategies, and youknow, because we don't live a
traditional lifestyle, we haveto take key terms and redefine
them and just make your owndefinitions to make it work.
(29:43):
And it doesn't matter if it'shealth and wellness, if it's
relationships.
You really need to articulateand define the words and make
sure your spouse, like you and I, we might have two completely
different perceptions ordefinitions for the word diet.
(30:04):
A lot of people have the worddiet as a specific planned keto
diet, paleo diet.
You know that you have to do tolose weight, to get healthy,
whereas to me, diet meansanything that you eat on a
typical day is a diet.
So and it's learning to getthose terms, uh, defined.
(30:28):
So you're both on the same pageand not having different
perceptions.
Because if we start having aconversation about diet and you
have a definition of keto, paleoand everything else and I have
a definition of just whatever Ieat, we're having two different
conversations, and so I thinkthat's a great point on getting
(30:49):
those that you made with thatbook.
What was the name of the book?
Again, just in case anybodyelse wanted to get into that.
It's called Fair Play by everudosky okay, so, um, what is
there anything else that youwant to like touch on or you
think is really important formarried couples over the road
(31:10):
that is into your specialty?
Speaker 4 (31:14):
um, just I, you know.
Again, stressing the importanceof communication and
expectations, um, and comingback to taking yours if, if you
find yourselves in conflict, ifyou're finding yourselves
feeling disconnected, um, takingyourselves back to the 12 types
of intimacy and figuring outhow can we engage in intimacy
(31:41):
and feel closer and act withintentionality to build the
marriage, even while we're apartcouples.
(32:01):
Part of what I do is making aplan, um that reduces decision
fatigue for both couples ofintentional things that they can
do to remain connected, um,even while they're separated,
and part of the one of thethings that couples with this
sort of lifestyle style aregoing to struggle with is the
at-home spouse is going to havea lot of decision fatigue
(32:23):
because they are responsible forso many things and they might
want to stay connected.
You know, and act withintentionality surrounding
intimacy, but it can be hard toall right, how?
What are we going to do?
How are we going to?
You know?
Speaker 3 (32:39):
On the flip side of that, as a driver, we have a lot
.
I love the term decisionfatigue because we have a lot of
decision fatigue also as adriver and when we come home we
don't want to make any decisionsbecause we're constantly making
decisions on the road.
So I love this.
What are some strategies thatyou help your clients with in
(33:00):
this decision fatigue onbuilding it?
Speaker 4 (33:03):
So one of the things that I do is we look at the 12
types of intimacy framework andwe come up with a personalized
menu of things that the coupleenjoys.
That the couple enjoys, um, andwe create, then have a plan of
(33:41):
every time they're home theat-home spouse is going to,
you're just going to start atthe beginning of the cookbook
and the at-home spouse will getthe ingredients for the first
two recipes in the cookbook,have them delivered before the
spouse gets home and during hometime they're going to cook the
(34:02):
first two recipes in thecookbook together.
Right, um, and that's work.
Intimacy and um, uh, it couldbe a form of commitment.
Intimacy working through a wholecookbook together, um, so
making a plan for things thatyou can do to engage in intimacy
(34:23):
during home time and thenhaving a menu of activities that
you can do, um, during, youknow, while one spouse is over
the road.
So things like I said, like theboard games that you can be,
that can be played even whenyou're apart, things like
reading a book together.
So either getting on the phoneeach night and literally reading
(34:46):
a chapter from the book overthe phone to your spouse while
they're like doing dishes orsomething, and then talking
about the chapter, or you eachlisten to the book, you listen
to a chapter, come together anddiscuss it, and having a menu of
activities like that that youguys, once a week, decide okay,
from the men, from the menu,this week we're going to do a, b
(35:10):
and and j right off the menuand those are our goals for this
week.
And so once a week you'reyou're making that decision
already you have your goal set,you know what to expect.
So when you're tired andexhausted, you aren't trying to
make that decision in the momentyeah, I love this.
Speaker 3 (35:31):
I love this.
It really makes a lot of senseand have and you could even do
two different decision menus too.
You could do one for on theroad and one for at home.
That away.
Speaker 4 (35:45):
It just minimize having to make those additional
decisions I really encouragehaving for for this type of
lifestyle.
I would encourage having a, anin-person menu and an over the
road menu.
Because an in-person menu andan over-the-road menu?
Because the in-person menu isgoing to open.
You're going to have a lot moreoptions on the in-person menu
Because, for instance, myhusband and I love theater and
(36:20):
so on, our menu for at homewould be going to a theater
performance for creative slash,aesthetic intimacy would be one
of our options.
Um, obviously we can't do thatover the road.
We could do something like wecould watch a musical together
while he's over the road, butthat's.
It's not the same as going to a, to something, um, and it
should be something small and itshould take 10, about 10
(36:47):
minutes, and after you do thisactivity you feel more connected
.
And so for my husband and I,for a long time it was playing a
hand of Rummy, or two hands ofRummy, and we had like an
ongoing score, like we wouldn't,the ADHD took over.
(37:09):
We would have a, a runningscore sheet.
Right, we wouldn't score eachtime, like it was in the tens of
thousands, the score sheet, um,and that was our go-to.
We're tired, we don't want tomake a decision, we're going to
pull out a deck of cards andwe're going to play two hands of
roaming, right.
So defining for some couples itis some like I have coached
(37:33):
couples that love specialty teasand so their go to choice was
curating a box of fancy teas andat night, pulling out a tea and
sitting down and just having acup of tea together and sort of
chatting, but giving them afocus.
(37:58):
So you feel like you are doingan activity, an intentional
activity together.
Realistically, they were justsitting down and talking about
their day, but the trigger wasthe okay, it's tea time, right.
The trigger was the okay, it'stea time, right.
And it's the intentionality ofthe because we can be like oh,
we need to.
You know, we need to connectmore, we need to sit down and
(38:19):
talk about our day, and that'skind of nebulous.
But giving it a trigger, givingit an intention of okay, we're
going to have our, our specialbox of tea that we're going to
pull out every evening afterdinner and we're going to
intentionally out every eveningafter dinner and we're going to
intentionally brew the tea andsit down and talk.
That gives you more of acatalyst, that gives you more
(38:39):
intention to sit down and talkabout your day yeah, that's
great and triggers are soimportant.
Speaker 3 (38:47):
Um, as a health and life coach, I teach my because I
do more of the um.
You know, diet, exercise,health and life coach.
I teach my because I do more ofthe you know, diet, exercise,
health and wellness aspect and Itell them all the time.
You know, if you just linksomething like so, every time I
fuel I'll do 10 squats andhaving that trigger to remind
(39:10):
you to do something worksfantastic.
I've never thought about doingit with a relationship, so I
love that.
Speaker 4 (39:18):
Yeah, a lot of what I do is built on practicality and
figuring out how to establishpractical ways to improve your
marriage and your sex life, andgiving practical, accessible
(39:39):
things of ways to manage yourmarriage and relationship and
things.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
Now I do want to touch a little bit on sexual
intimacy because it's notsomething that's talked a lot
about.
As an over-the-road driver andyou know most of the time not
being very active and havinghorrible sleep schedule,
especially when we're on swingshifts, and you know the diet is
(40:09):
usually not very good eitherthose three key factors has a
lot to do with sexualperformance.
What are some strategies orwhat are some aspects you can
touch in on that to help improvethat aspect of our relationship
?
Speaker 4 (40:26):
Absolutely so this is .
I feel like this should be awhole episode in itself.
So two of the key tenants thatI talk about for sexual intimacy
in marriage.
One is sex is meant to be thecelebration of intimacy that
you've already establishedbefore you ever reach the
bedroom.
(40:46):
So in order for you to have ahealthy sex life, you need to be
maintaining the other 11intimacies while you are
separated, so that you are notrelying on sex to create
intimacy when you're at home.
So that's the first one is youhave to be very intentional
(41:06):
about the other 11 intimacies inorder to have a healthy sex
life to begin with.
And the second one is sex issupposed to be the playground of
marriage.
So sex is supposed to be wherewe play together.
Now, this is important,referencing what you just talked
about about a lot of truckers,men in particular, struggle with
(41:29):
sexual performance becausethey're sitting and they're, you
know, low exercise, things likethat, and so if we are defining
sex as simply the act ofpenetration, you are missing so
much right.
So let's think of it in thisframework of the playground of
marriage.
If penetration is the slide,who wants to go to a playground?
(41:54):
Go down the slide and leave.
That's boring.
I also or go to the playground20 times in a row, only go on
the slide and leave.
That's not.
That doesn't sound veryappealing.
I want to go to a playground andplay on the teeter-totter and
the swings and the zip line andthe sandbox right.
(42:15):
I want to do more than just andthe slide.
The slide is great, but I canalso visit the playground and
never visit the slide at all.
And so sex needs to be definedas more than just penetration.
It needs to be the way that youand your spouse engage with
each other in physically, sexualways that are like there's
(42:39):
sensory play, there's there's somany other things that we can
be doing that don't have toinvolve penetration.
So, if one of you is strugglingwith the act of penetration,
redefine what sex is in therelationship while you address
the other factors that arecontributing to performance
issues with the act ofpenetration.
(43:00):
Sex does not have to involvepenetration at all.
There are ways that you canboth feel satisfied without
having the pressure of thatperformance.
Speaker 3 (43:12):
Yeah, that's 100%.
I agree with that and it goesback to what we just talked
about earlier, you know, makingthose definitions and making
sure you define the word thesame way.
So and that goes back tocommunication.
It's just all a cycle andinterlinks.
If somebody was wanting toimprove their marriage as an
(43:35):
over-the-road truck driver and Imean because we just threw a
bunch of stuff out at them fromyou know, all over the place.
What would you emphasize onbeing the first step?
Speaker 4 (43:53):
I think the first thing would be to start having
at least a weekly sort ofbusinessy check-in where you are
intentionally talking about theway the home is functioning,
who needs support in what area,and also the how you both are
(44:17):
feeling about the marriage as awhole, and setting goals for the
relationship for the next week,the next month, you know, and
and being very intentional withyou know setting goals for
yourselves for those 12 types ofintimacy for the coming week
and having and it's going tofeel awkward and it's going to
(44:39):
feel uncomfortable the first fewtimes that you do it, but
having that intentional,explicit discussion um can
really start to make adifference.
Speaker 3 (44:52):
Would it be better to have this discussion at home at
the dinner table, face-to-face,or would it be better to have
the discussion outside the homein a neutral environment?
Speaker 4 (45:07):
That's going to completely depend on the couple.
Completely depend on the couple.
Um, some people would not feelcomfortable discussing intimate
things outside of their home.
And that's valid.
And some people might bestruggling so much with the
relationship that it feels saferto take the discussion out of
(45:27):
the home so that nobody can getdefensive and blow up, you know.
And so that's going to becompletely dependent on the
couple.
Speaker 3 (45:37):
Very valid.
So once they get on the samepage and they have their
conversation, their needs andthey make a game plan.
Or like I tell my clients allthe time is you need to trip
plan.
My program is called Trip Planyour Life and you know so I take
all the skills that we take totrip plan a load and you take
(46:01):
those same skills into tripplanning what that goal is.
So once they get those goalsidentified and those words are
defined, so they're on the samepage and they start to plan it
out.
How often should they referback to that plan as a rule of
thumb to ensure it staysconsistent and on track?
Speaker 4 (46:25):
I really like to have couples checking in at least
weekly with each other.
Um, because goal, you knowthings, things change during the
course of a week, um, anddefinitely, I think it's
important for couples to haveshort-term and long-term goals.
(46:46):
But I also, especially withhaving one spouse out of the
house, I think it's importantfor a weekly check-in to say,
you know, okay, so.
So, for example, when myhusband was out of the house,
you know we would have acheck-in and I would say, okay,
well, this week we havehomeschool co-op and we've got a
field trip, and you know, I'vegot two clients and a podcast,
(47:10):
right.
And next week it's going to becompletely different.
You know, next week I mighthave no clients and three field
trips, right?
So I think at least a weeklycheck-in to sort of game plan
the upcoming week is superhelpful.
Speaker 3 (47:29):
So pretty much because earlier you mentioned
you, you know, at the beginningof the day you do kind of like a
daily refresher okay, there wego.
Speaker 4 (47:37):
Yes, um, I, I understand what you where you
were going with this.
Um, I think having a sort ofweekly overview is important
because that's when you talkabout things like, um, if you
make the menu uh, like theintimacy menu, you can say, okay
(47:58):
, well, this week we're going toaim to do these three things
off the intimacy menu.
So, you know, during the weekwe're going to try and fit in
these three things, um, and thenI, I, for our marriage, what
works really well is, even nowthat my husband's home every
night.
You know, I call him in themorning and I say all right,
we're.
(48:18):
You know, I'm getting groceries, we're going to the
chiropractor and I'm droppingthe dog at the groomer.
Um, just so, and that's more ofa hey, don't call me at 10 AM
because I'm recording a podcastsort of reminder for him.
Like, if you can't get ahold ofme, it's because here are these
(48:40):
sorts of things.
Um, because I don't expect himto remember three days from now
that I told him I've got thechiropractor and a groomer
appointment in three days.
That's just not somethingthat's going to stick in his
brain.
So it's two, is it'scommunicating?
(49:01):
Sort of the same things, but ina couple of different ways.
Speaker 3 (49:06):
Go a little bit deeper on that.
Speaker 4 (49:11):
During a weekly check-in, you have the
opportunity to say, okay, sowe've got.
You know, I've got threeclients, two podcasts, a field
trip and play group this week, agroomer and the chiropractor.
(49:39):
That gives him the opportunityto say, oh, I really need for my
dry cleaning to get picked up,but it sounds like you don't,
like you're already super bookedthis week.
So, um, it can either waituntil next week, or do you want
me to pick it up, um right nextweek, or do you want me to pick
it up, um, right, that the, theweekly sort of gives you the
opportunity to um, negotiatewho's going to be responsible
(50:00):
for what this week.
Okay, um.
Or, you know, especially ifyou're someone who's out of the
house for six weeks, it givesyou the opportunity to do future
planning.
You know like, oh well, I'mgoing to be home in two weeks,
(50:20):
so if we're wanting to havebarbecue when I'm home, then we
need to start thinking about,you know, do we have the right
food in the freezer or are yougoing to need to pick it up,
right, and sort of futureforecasting, practical things,
um, and then the, the daily isthe.
(50:45):
Don't get mad if you call me at10 and I don't answer because
I'm going to be busy, sort of umsort of thing.
Speaker 3 (50:55):
Yeah, that makes sense, that makes sense
completely.
And then you know, even as adriver, it's to you know, remind
hey, you know I got anappointment between this time
and this time, or you know whatI'm going to be driving?
I should be driving throughAtlanta between 10 and 11.
So please don't call me duringthat time, because you know
Atlanta is no joke.
You know, just having thatdaily little refresher reminder
(51:19):
type deal is, I think, a reallyhuge key to ensure that both
people are on the same page.
Now, one thing I do want totouch on, since we're about out
of time, is the five lovelanguages.
I think that's a very hugeaspect, along with the 12
intimacies.
Personally, I think those twowould pretty much fix just about
(51:46):
any.
If you truly get into the 12intimacies and the five
languages and really understandthe key concepts of those can
completely change a marriage.
So do you want to touch alittle bit on the five languages
?
Speaker 4 (52:02):
So I actually am not a fan of the love languages.
I find them to be prettyproblematic for a few reasons.
One is they tend to be veryself-focused.
You know it turns into well,they're not speaking my love
language in the way that I wantthem to speak it, or you know
(52:25):
they're not doing.
I'm not feeling love becausethey're not doing.
Blah, blah, blah.
And another issue is just aboutevery woman who is married with
small children is going to sayher love language is acts of
service.
Is your love language reallyacts of service or are you
(52:47):
simply overwhelmed carrying themental and emotional labor for
the entire household and thesmallest act of support feels
like love?
Speaker 3 (52:57):
That's.
That's an interesting concept.
I have never heard of thisperspective of it, so not.
Speaker 4 (53:04):
a lot of people have Um, and then you have.
The majority of men are goingto say well, my love language is
physical touch, because I wantsex.
And is it that you want sex?
Or you have never been allowedand taught to express emotions
and you think sex equalsemotional connection?
And that goes back to sex ismeant to be the celebration of
(53:27):
intimacy that you've alreadyestablished and we, as you said
before, we have a wholegeneration of men who were never
properly taught about realintimacy, real emotional
vulnerability.
True intimacy requires a levelof emotional vulnerability that
is threatening to a lot of menbecause they don't understand it
(53:47):
, because they were never taughthow to truly be emotionally
vulnerable with someone elseWell, men or women, so it
definitely can be both, and theyuse that as a way to substitute
for real vulnerability.
And then they think their lovelanguage is physical touch, and
(54:08):
so or it becomes a weapon.
You have to have sex with mebecause my love language is
physical touch, and that'smarital coercion and that's not
okay.
So there's a lot of problemswith the love languages.
Speaker 3 (54:29):
Yeah, I can tell I definitely hit a nerve because
you know, know, but for me, whenI learned about the love
languages um gosh, what wasabout 18 years ago, 15 years ago
it helped me understand how tocommunicate with my husband
because we had, you know, mineis just a quality time and you
(54:53):
know, if you're going to spend alittle bit of time with me,
that just means the world to me,whereas you know, his was
actually gifts so, and he wouldalways get mad because I never
even thought about giving him agift, because that has nothing
to do with me.
So it really helped us to geton a more that deeper intimacy
(55:15):
level so we could understandwhere each one was coming from.
So I've never heard of thisperspective, but I can see.
It's just like everything haspros and cons, so I can totally
see the side of it too, on wheresomebody's coming from, on
their aspect of it and I knowthat a lot of people think it's
helped them.
Speaker 4 (55:34):
And you know, I I do.
I love seeing marriagesimproved, so that's that is
important to me.
But there's also, it's just notthe best option anymore.
You know, it might've been thebest option, you know, 20 years
ago.
Um, cause I, you know, likeI've been married for over 20
(55:56):
years too, and it really was oneof the only options back then.
But now there's a lot of otheroptions, and especially things
like um, I don't want to beloved in just one way.
I don't want to be pigeonholed.
I want in in my.
When I really started deepdiving the problems with it, I
(56:17):
realized, depending on the phaseof life that we're in, I want
to be loved in different ways.
Right, if my husband has been,if, if I traditionally think my
love language is acts of service, because'm a stay-at-home mom
who needs more support than I'mgetting but my husband has been
(56:37):
gone for three weeks, all of asudden I'm going to want
physical touch more than I wantacts of service.
I'm going to want him snugglingwith me because I've been
touch-tarred for three weeks,rather than up and doing the
dishes.
Three weeks rather than up anddoing the dishes Versus if he is
(56:57):
home every day and I'm homewith a sick kid who's been
puking for 72 hours and I'vebeen, you know, holding the sick
kid all day long while gettingpuked on, don't touch me, I
don't want physical touch, Iwant you to clean something,
right.
But then my husband's going toturn around and say, well, I
thought your love language wasphysical touch.
No, don't touch me, I'm a pukeymess, I don't want touch, I
(57:20):
want you to clean some puke,right.
And so the framework becomesvery rigid and doesn't allow for
the flexibility of.
But I thought it turns it intoa checklist, something to do
instead of really seeing yourspouse and where they're at
(57:41):
Right.
And using a framework like the12 intimacies is more focused on
building the marriage thanrather the individual who is
saying, well, you're not meetingmy needs, right.
And if you feel really, um,even like the, the love
languages can kind of you cankind of see where they would fit
(58:04):
in the intimacies because, likequality time, it could be
something like, um, intellectualintimacy, like reading a book
together.
It could be recreationalintimacy, you know, like playing
a game together, um, so, butthe intimacies are more focused
on building the marriage versusthe love.
(58:25):
Languages are more focused onon self um, and so is there
potentially something to belearned from them.
Yes, are they reallyproblematic?
Speaker 3 (58:39):
yes, yeah, like I said, I've never heard of that
perspective, but I can see it.
It just it person cons toeverything, so I can totally see
it.
Speaker 4 (58:47):
Yeah and a lot of people don't really, because a
lot of people are just lookingat the surface of it versus like
.
My job as a sex and intimacycoach is to look deeper and like
okay, what are the long-termconsequences of this framework?
Speaker 3 (59:03):
Yeah, yeah, valid point, very valid point.
I love it.
Any final words you want to sayto our audience, and also, you
need to make sure they know howto find you so they can follow
you?
Speaker 4 (59:16):
Yes, you can find me on my website,
thechristiansexpertcom, and allof my socials are linked through
my website.
Speaker 3 (59:24):
Okay, perfect, and we'll also include them on the
description in the podcast.
So if anybody wants to, theycan just go jump on there and
just click on the links.
That sounds great, all right,thank you so much.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (59:39):
Hey, there it's Dino, your roadie and guide on the
side.
Wow, what an amazingconversation we just had about
keeping the spark alive on theroad.
As a driver who's gone almostthe entire year, I picked up
some great tips.
Remember, folks, it's not justabout physical touch.
There are many types ofintimacy.
Set up regular check-ins withyour partner, Make an intimacy
(59:59):
menu, Get creative with FaceTimedates and don't forget to
communicate, communicate,communicate.
Be sure to follow AngelaGriffin on social media for more
great content.
Her contact info is in the shownotes.
If hearing this show has madeyou realize that distance has
created some challenges in yourrelationships, her one-on-one
coaching may be just what youneed.
(01:00:20):
As you can see from thisepisode, she has so much wisdom
to share.
Want more awesome content likethis?
Join our Facebook groupsEnjoying Life, OTR and Healthier
Truckers.
Share your road adventures,discover hidden gems and connect
with fellow drivers in EnjoyingLife OTR.
Over in Healthier Truckers,tackle daily movement challenges
(01:00:42):
designed specifically for lifein the cab.
It's all about becominghealthier truckers and buckle up
for next week's show.
Folks, we're welcoming a trueroad warrior who's shaking up
the industry.
This driver-turned-entrepreneurdidn't just hit the brakes when
faced with injustice.
She shifted gears and startedher own trucking company.
She'll share money-saving hacks, tips for homeschooling on the
(01:01:06):
move and her mission to tacklethe truck parking crisis.
But that's not all.
Hear how she's fighting forbetter conditions for all
drivers, men and women alike.
Her story of courage andinnovation will inspire you to
be the change you want to see inour industry.
Trust me, this is one episodeyou don't want to miss.
This is Dino signing off.
(01:01:26):
Keep those wheels turning andthat love burning.
Catch you on the flip side.
Hey, truckers and road warriors, this is Dino,
your roadie and guide on theside for enjoying life, otr.
When I'm not behind the mic,I'm behind the wheel as a
full-time OTR driver and concerthauler of all genres.
If you want to hear more aboutmy adventures, check out episode
51.
Today, we've got a killer showlined up that's all about
keeping the spark alive in yourrelationship while living the
(00:21):
life of a trucker.
Our host, melinda FoxWellington, sat down with Angela
Griffin, a Christian sexpertwho's married to a trucker
herself.
They're diving deep intomaintaining intimacy, effective
communication and balancingfamily life when you're miles
apart, whether you're a seasonedroad dog or a rookie driver.
This episode is packed withpractical tips to strengthen
your relationship and keep yourhome fires burning.
(00:43):
So crank up the volume, settlein for the long drive ahead and
let's hit the road to betterrelationships.
This is Enjoying Life, otr.
Let's hammer down.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Enjoying Life OTR Conversations that inspire
curiosity, adventure andresilience.
We're honoring drivers andsharing their adventures and
becoming healthier truckers.
Stay tuned to discover creativelife hacks and practical
strategies for enhancing ourwell-being and making the most
of our time on the road.
Welcome to Enjoying Life, OTR.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
Hey everyone.
It's Melinda, and as a driver,I know how the miles between my
husband and I can sometimesstretch our relationship to its
limits, and there have beennights that I've lain awake
wondering if he still feelsconnected to me despite the
distance.
Have you felt this way too?
(01:33):
So, whether you're a drivermissing home, a partner holding
down the fort or anyone tryingto keep love alive across the
miles, this episode is for you.
Buckle up, because we're aboutto take our relationship on the
road of a lifetime.
Let's hand it over to Angela toget this journey started.
Speaker 4 (01:55):
Absolutely.
Hi, I'm Angela the Christiansexpert.
I talk all about sex andintimacy in marriage primarily.
But you don't really have to bemarried or even a Christian to
follow me.
A good portion of my followersare neither.
They say that this is the sexed that they should have gotten
when they were younger.
I have been married over 20years to a truck driver.
(02:17):
He wasn't a truck driver whenwe got married.
That started about seven yearsago now.
He's been on the road for aboutseven years Currently.
His job is amazing.
He's home most nights.
He's got a salaried position sohe doesn't even have to work
five days a week, every weekmost of the time.
(02:38):
But there are some times wherehe still goes out for an
overnight run, where he stillgoes out for an overnight run.
And actually two weeks ago wedidn't see him all week because
he broke down in Detroit and theprocess of figuring out if he
(03:03):
was going to wait for a repairor leave the truck, get a rental
, drive to the hub and get a newtruck.
It was a mess.
So we didn't see him for awhole week and I am out of
practice with solo parenting, sothat was a rough week.
But yeah, so I have.
I'm a sex and intimacy coach,influencer, um and public
(03:25):
speaker, and I have a lot ofexperience with long distance
relationships, solo parenting,um how the over the road life
affects a marriage, so that'sone of the things that I really
love getting to talk about ishow we can maintain healthy um
marriages sex lives, even whenwe aren't in the same state.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Yes, and that's very important, especially for over
the road drivers.
It's difficult juggling, I know, with.
Luckily I don't have kids athome right now, which you do.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
Luckily I don't have kids at home right now, which
you do.
How old?
Speaker 3 (04:07):
are your kids, my son's about to be 10.
Okay so, and it's interestingto see here the opposite side of
it, because with me being thedriver on the road all the time,
I know what it's like beinggone and it's going to be
interesting to learn what it'slike for the ones that stay home
to kind of give that differentperspective.
Like for the ones that stayhome to kind of give that
(04:27):
different perspective.
One of my biggest things withthe coach is I had a client and
he said the hardest thing thathe had adjusting to being over
the road was losing thatintimacy of sleeping next to
someone every night and havingthat contact, not actual sexual
intercourse contact, but justthat cuddling contact and
(04:50):
everything that intimacy portionof it.
He said that was the hardestthing and it affected him
mentally more than anything else.
Have you come across otherdrivers like that?
Speaker 4 (05:00):
absolutely.
Um, we humans are designed tobe social creatures.
We are not meant to live inisolation, and it's real easy
for truckers to slip into thatisolation unknowingly.
And there have been a lot ofstudies done on the importance
of touch, you know, one of themost famous being the monkey
(05:23):
study, where the monkey wasraised by a robotic mom and the
baby just was a failure tothrive because he needed the
touch of a mother.
And it's so sad.
And so there's, there's waysthat you can.
Nothing, nothing replaces touch.
(05:45):
Right, but if you lean intoother intimacies with your
spouse, you can kind of mitigatethe impact a little bit of the
lack of physical touch I talkabout.
There's 12 different types ofintimacy that we can experience
(06:06):
in marriage.
Sex is only one of them.
And so really leaning intointimacies like the intellectual
intimacy, the communicationintimacy, even recreational
intimacy with your spouse canhelp sort of fill that cup until
you can be with them again andhaving the touch.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Yeah, that's a great point is all the different types
of intimacy.
A lot of people really justassociate intimacy and sex
together and it's so many morefactors into it.
So I love the work that you'redoing.
I really do because it's soneeded and it's, you know, a lot
of our generations, becausemost truck drivers are in their
(06:49):
40s and 50s.
In that generation we didn'treally talk about intimacy, so
we were never taught all thedifferent levels of it.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
Absolutely.
That's something I run into alot is people have a very narrow
definition of what intimacy is,but if we quickly run through
the 12 types of intimacy there'sso many, we have the 12 types
very quickly are aesthetic,commitment, communication,
(07:19):
conflict, creative crisis,emotional, intellectual,
recreational, sexual, spiritualand work, and some of those are
pretty obvious.
Right, communication, intimacywe all know.
You know the importance ofcommunication, especially if you
have a couple where you're overthe road, communication is
going to be the number one thingthat you need to be doing to
(07:41):
keep the marriage healthy.
But some other forms ofintimacy that we can really lean
into with a spouse that's overthe road my favorite personally
is recreational intimacy.
Recreational intimacy is allabout how you have fun together
and a lot of people right noware like well, how am I supposed
to like do recreationalintimacy when we're not even in
(08:01):
the same same space?
My husband and I found ways toadapt our recreational intimacy
for when he's not here, becausehe does still have times where
he, um, you know like has to goto a training or you know he has
to go change out trucks orsomething Right, and he's going
(08:22):
to be gone for like three days.
Um, there's different um boardgames that we have found that we
can adapt to playing togethervia FaceTime.
So, for example, there's um agame called welcome to your
perfect home and it's aspecialized deck of cards and
(08:43):
two sheets of paper and what wedo is I set up um my FaceTime
camera so that he can see thecards, and then he has a paper
and I have a paper and he doeshis.
You know, he plays on his paper, I play on my paper, I flip the
cards and he can see it onvideo, and so we are literally
playing a board game together, acard game board game together
(09:07):
via FaceTime, and that's.
Board games are our favoriteform of recreational intimacy
anyhow.
So that's a very easy way thatwe can engage in recreational
intimacy and maintain that, thatcloseness while he he's apart.
Obviously spiritual intimacy,as we are Christians, one of the
(09:27):
things that we do is, if myhusband's not home, I call him
when I'm putting our son to bedat night and we pray together as
a family and that's part of,you know, parenting with our son
and the plan for when daddy'snot home.
You know, we know that we'regoing to have that spiritual
connection at the end of theevening.
(09:48):
Um, work intimacy.
A lot of truckers, um, myhusband loves when I go on the
truck with him and that you knowthat's a very obvious form of
work intimacy.
But work intimacy usually formost couples is not actually
going to their job together,because in most industries that
would be pretty weird.
But for trucker couples thatcould be a form of work intimacy
(10:13):
.
But work intimacy is often moreoften things like working
together to achieve a commongoal.
So, for instance, when you'rehome, home cooking a meal
together, gardening together,right, the aspects of building
your life together is a part ofwork intimacy, and so there's
all kinds of ways that you canengage in those things even when
(10:36):
you're apart.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Very true, very true.
I know with my husband and I wehave set times that we
communicate on the phone andthen you know, of course, touch
bases throughout with each other.
Like that I also like towhenever, because my dog and I
we like to hike a lot wheneverwe stop at different areas in
the house.
So then I'll throw up, if Ihave good signal, video chat and
(11:02):
my husband will go on a hikewith me.
Speaker 4 (11:08):
So that is spectacular and so actually that
could be a little bit ofaesthetic intimacy too, because
aesthetic intimacy is creatingmoments of beauty together in
your lives.
So you both observing thehiking area, like if you guys
watch a sunset together overFaceTime, that's a perfect
example of an aesthetic momentof intimacy.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
Yeah, well, I know, with my husband and I we had to
set very clear boundaries on ourcommunication.
Like, okay, so when I'm drivingand we're communicating on the
(11:53):
headset and he says somethingand I don't respond to him when
he feels like I should respond,he used to get very irate with
me, like, okay, you're ignoringme and I'm like, no, if you want
to communicate with me whileI'm driving and I zone out it's
because I've got cars that I'mlike trying to pay attention to
and stuff.
So we've had to learn how toset very clear boundaries on our
communication.
Have you had anybody else thatyou've worked with on how to
(12:15):
figure out?
Work with them to figure outhow to set those boundaries?
Speaker 4 (12:20):
my, actually that's something that my husband and I
have struggled with.
My husband thinks that I have,just like, this magical ability
to call him when he's trying toback into a dock, because he's
always like you call me.
The moment I hit the truck intoreverse and I'm like look, I
(12:41):
don't know, this is not, I'mjust, I'm just, I'm just picking
up the phone.
Okay, look, I don't know, thisis not, I'm just, I'm just, I'm
just picking up the phone, okay,um.
So we established a systemwhere, um, if I call him and
he's backing into a doc or youknow, he's in the middle of a
traffic jam or whatever, he justignores the call.
Um, he doesn't pick it up,right Cause we had the problem
where he would be picking it upand he would be all grumpy with
(13:03):
me.
He's like I'm backing into it.
I'm like then why did youanswer?
If you're busy, don't answerthe phone.
He's like well, it could beimportant.
I'm like, okay.
So we established if you arebacking up, you can't talk
whatever, just don't answer thecall.
And if it's an emergency becausewe do have a kid, you know if
it's an emergency, I willimmediately call back.
(13:24):
So if I call two or three timesin a row.
It's an emergency and I reallyneed you to pick up the phone.
Otherwise, call me back as soonas you have the ability to do
so.
Now he does have ADHD, sosometimes I'll call.
An hour goes by and I'll callagain.
He'll be like oh yeah, I forgotto call you back.
Right, but that was a boundarythat he and I established was,
(13:47):
if you know that you'redistracted, just don't pick up
the call.
You know we can.
We can talk again in with causethere's there's not a lot of
real emergencies, right.
Like nobody, nobody.
Like the house isn't on fireand his truck isn't on fire.
So you know, like it it's, it'snot, um, and I think a lot of
(14:12):
couple, a lot, a lot of thatstuff comes down to, um, one
part of the couple perceiving aspecific sort of behavior as a
personal rejection, and that'snot what we need to be doing in
healthy relationships isassuming good.
(14:32):
Now, if your relationship hasother red flags for abuse or
neglect or things like that,that's a separate conversation.
But if your marriage isgenerally healthy, then you
should be assuming the good intheir actions.
You know they're distracted,something else is going on.
He's on the phone with his boss.
(14:53):
You know he's stuck in atraffic jam and he's on the CB
trying to get an update aboutwhere he should get.
Try and get off the highway,right, so assuming.
Or alternatively, sometimes heforgets and gets mad and call if
he's calling me and he can'tget ahold of me right away and
I'm like I'm running a businessand homeschooling your kid and
(15:16):
I'm on the board of directorsfor another ministry, like dude
I.
I can't always pick up thephone when you call.
So I try and tell him.
You know I call him as soon asI get up in the morning and I'll
tell.
Give him the rundown of.
I have a client at you know one.
I've got a podcast at 10 and hetries to not call during those
(15:38):
times.
Right, but it's the same thinghe's.
He's needs to assume I'm notjust ignoring him.
You know it might be because Ihave five other hats that I wear
, aside from just his wife.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Yes, and I think that's so important to to keep
in mind, because I know when myhusband and I are communicating,
he'll start telling me abouthis day and I'm like, I mean,
I'm not there, I'm not in it.
So it's hard for those keyaspects to be important to me
because I'm elsewhere and I haveto remind myself that, even
(16:16):
though those key parts are notimportant to me, but he's
important to me and those partsare important to him.
So therefore they are importantand it's just a conscious
mental game.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
I guess you could say that I play with myself so I
can stay focused and rememberthat those are important, even
because they're important to himand he's important to me yeah,
really, um, investing in eachother's, the minutiae of each
other's day-to-day is importantbecause you are separated
(16:58):
physically and traditionalcouples are invested in the
minutiae of each other'sday-to-day because of proximity,
and so you, um trucker coupleshave to make a conscious effort
to be invested in the minutiaeof the to day of each other's
lives.
I I don't honestly care aboutwhether my, what the this is,
(17:28):
how bad I am about this.
Okay, the things that aresupposed to be balanced in the
truck and sometimes they don'tload it right.
And then he has to stop and hehas to balance things, and I'm
like I don't even know what theword is.
There's a word for it and hegripes about it all the time
because apparently nobody knowshow to load his truck correctly.
And I don't, I don't honestlycare, but I, I do because that's
(17:53):
no, I'm being a good wife andcaring, but, dude, if I have to
hear about balance, I'm laughingso hard because my husband and
I had those conversations andit's so funny because I know
exactly what he's talking aboutand hearing it coming from you.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
I hear the same thing from my described so poorly,
hearing it coming from me,described so so very poorly yes,
yes, yes, that's so funny, yeah, um, so, being essentially a
spouse of a trucker, you were,for the most part, a single mom,
(18:37):
especially when he was over theroad.
How was that juggle and whatare some strategies that you
learned to cope with it?
And how could your truck driver, whether it's male or female,
help at home when they're on theroad?
Speaker 4 (19:01):
help at home when they're on the road.
So I first want to make thedistinction that when you're
married with a spouse, out ofthe house, most of the time it's
solo parenting, because I dostill have the support,
especially the financial support, versus a single parent is, you
know, has no support, and sothat's an important distinction,
um, which I got jumped foronline very early on.
(19:26):
Um, and I do think it's animportant distinction, uh,
between solo and single, butsolo parenting Um so the when my
husband first went over theroad, I had never lived alone in
my life.
I went straight from my, myparents' house to marriage.
Um, we had never been apart formore than two nights after 16
(19:54):
years of marriage and I didn'tknow what I was doing and
everything that could go wrongin our apartment went wrong when
he left, literally the day.
We dropped him at the busstation at like midnight and the
next day my air conditioningwas broken.
There was um yellow jacketsflooding my apartment.
(20:17):
Um, the some, some um bottlespray bottle that was on top of
my dryer fell over in the middleof the night and my dryer was
on fire at two in the morning.
Oh, my goodness, all within thefirst week and we lived in a
literal like slum apartment andthe slumlords would not fix the
(20:39):
air conditioning, even though myson and I had medical
conditions that require airconditioning.
It was 95 degrees in myapartment.
I was in full hysterics.
My, my husband, had been theat-home parent for the first
three years of our son's life.
I was still working because Ineeded the insurance until his
insurance kicked in.
I, after like the third orfourth day of dropping my son at
(21:02):
the babysitter, I I literallywas standing on her front step.
She opens the door and just I'mlike how did you see all that
for so many years?
And started sobbinghysterically at 730 in the
morning.
Um, so it was.
It was a hard transition.
Um, so some of the things thatwe implemented in those early
(21:26):
days when he truly was over theroad, you know, gone um five,
six weeks, home three days, gonefive, six weeks was um,
facetiming over dinner as afamily.
Um, so I would come home, Iwould make dinner for my son and
I, we would set up the iPad anddaddy as long as daddy wasn't
um, you know, in the middle ofdoing something, he was
(21:47):
FaceTiming with us um, while weate dinner.
So even if he was driving andcouldn't, you know, look at us,
my son could see his face, um,and so that was very important,
um something.
Some other things that we'vedone is, um, my husband if he,
if we know he's going to be gonefor a longer time, he will take
(22:09):
a book on the truck and call myson and read to my son, while
my son is like playing cars orplay-doh or something.
So he's, you know, it's stillan active part of our schooling,
um, where he's reading to him.
And even if you you don'thomeschool, um, it's so
important to read to your kidsanyway, and that's something
(22:31):
that can easily, easily be donevia FaceTime.
Um, other things are be donevia FaceTime.
Other things are if there'ssome sort of a phone call or
administrative task that myhusband could conceivably handle
from the road, I would try andhand that over to him just to
take a little bit deeper on that.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
What do you mean by that?
Speaker 4 (22:56):
I don't know, switch insurance companies for, like,
car insurance.
Okay, okay, you know somethinglike that that you know it
doesn't require you know itdoesn't require me to do it, it
doesn't necessarily require himto do it, it's just one person
of the couple needs to do it andyou don't need access to
anything within the household inorder to handle that Right.
(23:19):
So, um, that sort of thing Iwould try and hand over.
Um, something that was reallyimportant was when he was
getting ready to come home, wewould sit down after my son was
would go to bed and we wouldsort of have a business meeting
where we would talk aboutexpectations for his home time.
Um, you know things that neededto happen, things that he
(23:42):
needed to do, things that wewere planning to do as a family,
um, sort of you know, if my sonhad requested anything but, um,
you know, like there were.
There were certain things likeoh, I need you to repair blah,
blah, blah when you're home.
Right, how do you do this?
Yeah, but having thatexpectation set before he even
(24:06):
walks in the door, because oneof the things was like he's like
well, this is my only time offwork.
I'm like cool, but this is myonly time with my husband I
could.
There's things I physicallycannot do around the house that
you have to take care of.
And he's thinking I'm justgoing to play with our kid and
sit on the couch for three days.
I'm like that's not going towork and so having and I don't
(24:32):
want to spend the whole timethat he's home fighting that out
and making those negotiations Iwanted to have those
negotiations before he ever gothome.
So what, our time at home wasmore peaceful, right?
So that's an awesome strategy,right?
So we both had clearexpectations going into his time
(24:53):
off.
Um, so there weren't, you know,fights.
Because we found, at thebeginning, the transition of him
being gone and like coming into this routine that my son and
I had established pretty hard,right, because things were
different, because he wasn'thome all the time and things
that had worked when he was theat-home parent were no longer
(25:14):
functional for me.
He was the at-home parent, wereno longer functional for me,
and so we needed to make surethat the expectations and
transitions were set before hewalked back in the house.
So I would also try and makesure that all of my personal
(25:35):
errands and meal prep and stuffwere done before he got home,
because I wouldn't want to spendmy whole time that he was home
in the kitchen cooking.
So I would rely heavily oncrockpot meals or meal prepping
as much as I could before he gothome, chopping all the
vegetables I was going to use ina dish that he had requested or
you know something like that.
(25:56):
So I wasn't meal prepping thewhole time that he was home.
Those are sort of some of thebig things.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
Yeah, those are some awesome tips and tricks that
drivers can learn to incorporateto just make time at home a
little bit smoother.
And I really like the strategyof having, like the night before
a ballpark, business meeting.
Speaker 4 (26:19):
Okay, okay, this is what I need, this is what you
need, and, and just establishingthat before you even pop those
breaks and shut down, you know,for those three or four days,
that's an awesome tip yeah, alot of of conflict in marriage
can be avoided if both of youare managing expectations well,
(26:40):
because a lot of conflicthappens because your spouse is
failing to meet some sort ofunspoken expectation that you
have Part of.
Really getting good atcommunication in marriage is
making sure that you areproactively communicating and
not waiting until somethinghappens to communicate.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
So just to kind of articulate this in a different
viewpoint if we have a load andwe're talking to our dispatcher
to get that load, and gettingthose details hashed out prior
to we even start trip planningallows us to trip plan so much
(27:24):
better because we already havethe details and everything from
dispatch.
Essentially, it's the samething with your spouse, but it's
with home activities instead ofload activities.
Speaker 4 (27:38):
Absolutely so.
Something that I would encouragetrucker couples to do is to
read or listen to the book FairPlay by Eve Rudotsky, because
it's all about who is carryingthe mental and emotional labor
(28:00):
for your household.
The person who is at home bydefault is going to be carrying
the majority of the mental andemotional labor for the entire
household, and so it's reallyimportant that couples figure
out how the trucker spouse canlighten the load on the at-home
(28:25):
person, and part of that processis having very explicit
conversations that might seemredundant or unnecessary,
because you have, like, thisinternalized belief about like
well, this is just the way it'ssupposed to be, so like why do
we have to talk about it?
Well, your spouse might notagree with your concept of the
(28:48):
way that things are or aresupposed to be, and the book
lays out for you like how youcan have those conversations,
how you can discuss expectationsand things like that, and so a
lot of I think some truckersmight get frustrated by the book
(29:10):
because they're going to be,like well, I'm not home and this
doesn't apply to me, but itdoes.
You're just going to have tofigure out how to adapt the
concepts to make it apply.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Right, yeah, that's a lot of things that I teach
about is the strategies, and youknow, because we don't live a
traditional lifestyle, we haveto take key terms and redefine
them and just make your owndefinitions to make it work.
(29:43):
And it doesn't matter if it'shealth and wellness, if it's
relationships.
You really need to articulateand define the words and make
sure your spouse, like you and I, we might have two completely
different perceptions ordefinitions for the word diet.
(30:04):
A lot of people have the worddiet as a specific planned keto
diet, paleo diet.
You know that you have to do tolose weight, to get healthy,
whereas to me, diet meansanything that you eat on a
typical day is a diet.
So and it's learning to getthose terms, uh, defined.
(30:28):
So you're both on the same pageand not having different
perceptions.
Because if we start having aconversation about diet and you
have a definition of keto, paleoand everything else and I have
a definition of just whatever Ieat, we're having two different
conversations, and so I thinkthat's a great point on getting
(30:49):
those that you made with thatbook.
What was the name of the book?
Again, just in case anybodyelse wanted to get into that.
It's called Fair Play by everudosky okay, so, um, what is
there anything else that youwant to like touch on or you
think is really important formarried couples over the road
(31:10):
that is into your specialty?
Speaker 4 (31:14):
um, just I, you know.
Again, stressing the importanceof communication and
expectations, um, and comingback to taking yours if, if you
find yourselves in conflict, ifyou're finding yourselves
feeling disconnected, um, takingyourselves back to the 12 types
of intimacy and figuring outhow can we engage in intimacy
(31:41):
and feel closer and act withintentionality to build the
marriage, even while we're apartcouples.
(32:01):
Part of what I do is making aplan, um that reduces decision
fatigue for both couples ofintentional things that they can
do to remain connected, um,even while they're separated,
and part of the one of thethings that couples with this
sort of lifestyle style aregoing to struggle with is the
at-home spouse is going to havea lot of decision fatigue
(32:23):
because they are responsible forso many things and they might
want to stay connected.
You know, and act withintentionality surrounding
intimacy, but it can be hard toall right, how?
What are we going to do?
How are we going to?
You know?
Speaker 3 (32:39):
On the flip side of that, as a driver, we have a lot
.
I love the term decisionfatigue because we have a lot of
decision fatigue also as adriver and when we come home we
don't want to make any decisionsbecause we're constantly making
decisions on the road.
So I love this.
What are some strategies thatyou help your clients with in
(33:00):
this decision fatigue onbuilding it?
Speaker 4 (33:03):
So one of the things that I do is we look at the 12
types of intimacy framework andwe come up with a personalized
menu of things that the coupleenjoys.
That the couple enjoys, um, andwe create, then have a plan of
(33:41):
every time they're home theat-home spouse is going to,
you're just going to start atthe beginning of the cookbook
and the at-home spouse will getthe ingredients for the first
two recipes in the cookbook,have them delivered before the
spouse gets home and during hometime they're going to cook the
(34:02):
first two recipes in thecookbook together.
Right, um, and that's work.
Intimacy and um, uh, it couldbe a form of commitment.
Intimacy working through a wholecookbook together, um, so
making a plan for things thatyou can do to engage in intimacy
(34:23):
during home time and thenhaving a menu of activities that
you can do, um, during, youknow, while one spouse is over
the road.
So things like I said, like theboard games that you can be,
that can be played even whenyou're apart, things like
reading a book together.
So either getting on the phoneeach night and literally reading
(34:46):
a chapter from the book overthe phone to your spouse while
they're like doing dishes orsomething, and then talking
about the chapter, or you eachlisten to the book, you listen
to a chapter, come together anddiscuss it, and having a menu of
activities like that that youguys, once a week, decide okay,
from the men, from the menu,this week we're going to do a, b
(35:10):
and and j right off the menuand those are our goals for this
week.
And so once a week you'reyou're making that decision
already you have your goal set,you know what to expect.
So when you're tired andexhausted, you aren't trying to
make that decision in the momentyeah, I love this.
Speaker 3 (35:31):
I love this.
It really makes a lot of senseand have and you could even do
two different decision menus too.
You could do one for on theroad and one for at home.
That away.
Speaker 4 (35:45):
It just minimize having to make those additional
decisions I really encouragehaving for for this type of
lifestyle.
I would encourage having a, anin-person menu and an over the
road menu.
Because an in-person menu andan over-the-road menu?
Because the in-person menu isgoing to open.
You're going to have a lot moreoptions on the in-person menu
Because, for instance, myhusband and I love theater and
(36:20):
so on, our menu for at homewould be going to a theater
performance for creative slash,aesthetic intimacy would be one
of our options.
Um, obviously we can't do thatover the road.
We could do something like wecould watch a musical together
while he's over the road, butthat's.
It's not the same as going to a, to something, um, and it
should be something small and itshould take 10, about 10
(36:47):
minutes, and after you do thisactivity you feel more connected
.
And so for my husband and I,for a long time it was playing a
hand of Rummy, or two hands ofRummy, and we had like an
ongoing score, like we wouldn't,the ADHD took over.
(37:09):
We would have a, a runningscore sheet.
Right, we wouldn't score eachtime, like it was in the tens of
thousands, the score sheet, um,and that was our go-to.
We're tired, we don't want tomake a decision, we're going to
pull out a deck of cards andwe're going to play two hands of
roaming, right.
So defining for some couples itis some like I have coached
(37:33):
couples that love specialty teasand so their go to choice was
curating a box of fancy teas andat night, pulling out a tea and
sitting down and just having acup of tea together and sort of
chatting, but giving them afocus.
(37:58):
So you feel like you are doingan activity, an intentional
activity together.
Realistically, they were justsitting down and talking about
their day, but the trigger wasthe okay, it's tea time, right.
The trigger was the okay, it'stea time, right.
And it's the intentionality ofthe because we can be like oh,
we need to.
You know, we need to connectmore, we need to sit down and
(38:19):
talk about our day, and that'skind of nebulous.
But giving it a trigger, givingit an intention of okay, we're
going to have our, our specialbox of tea that we're going to
pull out every evening afterdinner and we're going to
intentionally out every eveningafter dinner and we're going to
intentionally brew the tea andsit down and talk.
That gives you more of acatalyst, that gives you more
(38:39):
intention to sit down and talkabout your day yeah, that's
great and triggers are soimportant.
Speaker 3 (38:47):
Um, as a health and life coach, I teach my because I
do more of the um.
You know, diet, exercise,health and life coach.
I teach my because I do more ofthe you know, diet, exercise,
health and wellness aspect and Itell them all the time.
You know, if you just linksomething like so, every time I
fuel I'll do 10 squats andhaving that trigger to remind
(39:10):
you to do something worksfantastic.
I've never thought about doingit with a relationship, so I
love that.
Speaker 4 (39:18):
Yeah, a lot of what I do is built on practicality and
figuring out how to establishpractical ways to improve your
marriage and your sex life, andgiving practical, accessible
(39:39):
things of ways to manage yourmarriage and relationship and
things.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
Now I do want to touch a little bit on sexual
intimacy because it's notsomething that's talked a lot
about.
As an over-the-road driver andyou know most of the time not
being very active and havinghorrible sleep schedule,
especially when we're on swingshifts, and you know the diet is
(40:09):
usually not very good eitherthose three key factors has a
lot to do with sexualperformance.
What are some strategies orwhat are some aspects you can
touch in on that to help improvethat aspect of our relationship
?
Speaker 4 (40:26):
Absolutely so this is .
I feel like this should be awhole episode in itself.
So two of the key tenants thatI talk about for sexual intimacy
in marriage.
One is sex is meant to be thecelebration of intimacy that
you've already establishedbefore you ever reach the
bedroom.
(40:46):
So in order for you to have ahealthy sex life, you need to be
maintaining the other 11intimacies while you are
separated, so that you are notrelying on sex to create
intimacy when you're at home.
So that's the first one is youhave to be very intentional
(41:06):
about the other 11 intimacies inorder to have a healthy sex
life to begin with.
And the second one is sex issupposed to be the playground of
marriage.
So sex is supposed to be wherewe play together.
Now, this is important,referencing what you just talked
about about a lot of truckers,men in particular, struggle with
(41:29):
sexual performance becausethey're sitting and they're, you
know, low exercise, things likethat, and so if we are defining
sex as simply the act ofpenetration, you are missing so
much right.
So let's think of it in thisframework of the playground of
marriage.
If penetration is the slide,who wants to go to a playground?
(41:54):
Go down the slide and leave.
That's boring.
I also or go to the playground20 times in a row, only go on
the slide and leave.
That's not.
That doesn't sound veryappealing.
I want to go to a playground andplay on the teeter-totter and
the swings and the zip line andthe sandbox right.
(42:15):
I want to do more than just andthe slide.
The slide is great, but I canalso visit the playground and
never visit the slide at all.
And so sex needs to be definedas more than just penetration.
It needs to be the way that youand your spouse engage with
each other in physically, sexualways that are like there's
(42:39):
sensory play, there's there's somany other things that we can
be doing that don't have toinvolve penetration.
So, if one of you is strugglingwith the act of penetration,
redefine what sex is in therelationship while you address
the other factors that arecontributing to performance
issues with the act ofpenetration.
(43:00):
Sex does not have to involvepenetration at all.
There are ways that you canboth feel satisfied without
having the pressure of thatperformance.
Speaker 3 (43:12):
Yeah, that's 100%.
I agree with that and it goesback to what we just talked
about earlier, you know, makingthose definitions and making
sure you define the word thesame way.
So and that goes back tocommunication.
It's just all a cycle andinterlinks.
If somebody was wanting toimprove their marriage as an
(43:35):
over-the-road truck driver and Imean because we just threw a
bunch of stuff out at them fromyou know, all over the place.
What would you emphasize onbeing the first step?
Speaker 4 (43:53):
I think the first thing would be to start having
at least a weekly sort ofbusinessy check-in where you are
intentionally talking about theway the home is functioning,
who needs support in what area,and also the how you both are
(44:17):
feeling about the marriage as awhole, and setting goals for the
relationship for the next week,the next month, you know, and
and being very intentional withyou know setting goals for
yourselves for those 12 types ofintimacy for the coming week
and having and it's going tofeel awkward and it's going to
(44:39):
feel uncomfortable the first fewtimes that you do it, but
having that intentional,explicit discussion um can
really start to make adifference.
Speaker 3 (44:52):
Would it be better to have this discussion at home at
the dinner table, face-to-face,or would it be better to have
the discussion outside the homein a neutral environment?
Speaker 4 (45:07):
That's going to completely depend on the couple.
Completely depend on the couple.
Um, some people would not feelcomfortable discussing intimate
things outside of their home.
And that's valid.
And some people might bestruggling so much with the
relationship that it feels saferto take the discussion out of
(45:27):
the home so that nobody can getdefensive and blow up, you know.
And so that's going to becompletely dependent on the
couple.
Speaker 3 (45:37):
Very valid.
So once they get on the samepage and they have their
conversation, their needs andthey make a game plan.
Or like I tell my clients allthe time is you need to trip
plan.
My program is called Trip Planyour Life and you know so I take
all the skills that we take totrip plan a load and you take
(46:01):
those same skills into tripplanning what that goal is.
So once they get those goalsidentified and those words are
defined, so they're on the samepage and they start to plan it
out.
How often should they referback to that plan as a rule of
thumb to ensure it staysconsistent and on track?
Speaker 4 (46:25):
I really like to have couples checking in at least
weekly with each other.
Um, because goal, you knowthings, things change during the
course of a week, um, anddefinitely, I think it's
important for couples to haveshort-term and long-term goals.
(46:46):
But I also, especially withhaving one spouse out of the
house, I think it's importantfor a weekly check-in to say,
you know, okay, so.
So, for example, when myhusband was out of the house,
you know we would have acheck-in and I would say, okay,
well, this week we havehomeschool co-op and we've got a
field trip, and you know, I'vegot two clients and a podcast,
(47:10):
right.
And next week it's going to becompletely different.
You know, next week I mighthave no clients and three field
trips, right?
So I think at least a weeklycheck-in to sort of game plan
the upcoming week is superhelpful.
Speaker 3 (47:29):
So pretty much because earlier you mentioned
you, you know, at the beginningof the day you do kind of like a
daily refresher okay, there wego.
Speaker 4 (47:37):
Yes, um, I, I understand what you where you
were going with this.
Um, I think having a sort ofweekly overview is important
because that's when you talkabout things like, um, if you
make the menu uh, like theintimacy menu, you can say, okay
(47:58):
, well, this week we're going toaim to do these three things
off the intimacy menu.
So, you know, during the weekwe're going to try and fit in
these three things, um, and thenI, I, for our marriage, what
works really well is, even nowthat my husband's home every
night.
You know, I call him in themorning and I say all right,
we're.
(48:18):
You know, I'm getting groceries, we're going to the
chiropractor and I'm droppingthe dog at the groomer.
Um, just so, and that's more ofa hey, don't call me at 10 AM
because I'm recording a podcastsort of reminder for him.
Like, if you can't get ahold ofme, it's because here are these
(48:40):
sorts of things.
Um, because I don't expect himto remember three days from now
that I told him I've got thechiropractor and a groomer
appointment in three days.
That's just not somethingthat's going to stick in his
brain.
So it's two, is it'scommunicating?
(49:01):
Sort of the same things, but ina couple of different ways.
Speaker 3 (49:06):
Go a little bit deeper on that.
Speaker 4 (49:11):
During a weekly check-in, you have the
opportunity to say, okay, sowe've got.
You know, I've got threeclients, two podcasts, a field
trip and play group this week, agroomer and the chiropractor.
(49:39):
That gives him the opportunityto say, oh, I really need for my
dry cleaning to get picked up,but it sounds like you don't,
like you're already super bookedthis week.
So, um, it can either waituntil next week, or do you want
me to pick it up, um right nextweek, or do you want me to pick
it up, um, right, that the, theweekly sort of gives you the
opportunity to um, negotiatewho's going to be responsible
(50:00):
for what this week.
Okay, um.
Or, you know, especially ifyou're someone who's out of the
house for six weeks, it givesyou the opportunity to do future
planning.
You know like, oh well, I'mgoing to be home in two weeks,
(50:20):
so if we're wanting to havebarbecue when I'm home, then we
need to start thinking about,you know, do we have the right
food in the freezer or are yougoing to need to pick it up,
right, and sort of futureforecasting, practical things,
um, and then the, the daily isthe.
(50:45):
Don't get mad if you call me at10 and I don't answer because
I'm going to be busy, sort of umsort of thing.
Speaker 3 (50:55):
Yeah, that makes sense, that makes sense
completely.
And then you know, even as adriver, it's to you know, remind
hey, you know I got anappointment between this time
and this time, or you know whatI'm going to be driving?
I should be driving throughAtlanta between 10 and 11.
So please don't call me duringthat time, because you know
Atlanta is no joke.
You know, just having thatdaily little refresher reminder
(51:19):
type deal is, I think, a reallyhuge key to ensure that both
people are on the same page.
Now, one thing I do want totouch on, since we're about out
of time, is the five lovelanguages.
I think that's a very hugeaspect, along with the 12
intimacies.
Personally, I think those twowould pretty much fix just about
(51:46):
any.
If you truly get into the 12intimacies and the five
languages and really understandthe key concepts of those can
completely change a marriage.
So do you want to touch alittle bit on the five languages
?
Speaker 4 (52:02):
So I actually am not a fan of the love languages.
I find them to be prettyproblematic for a few reasons.
One is they tend to be veryself-focused.
You know it turns into well,they're not speaking my love
language in the way that I wantthem to speak it, or you know
(52:25):
they're not doing.
I'm not feeling love becausethey're not doing.
Blah, blah, blah.
And another issue is just aboutevery woman who is married with
small children is going to sayher love language is acts of
service.
Is your love language reallyacts of service or are you
(52:47):
simply overwhelmed carrying themental and emotional labor for
the entire household and thesmallest act of support feels
like love?
Speaker 3 (52:57):
That's.
That's an interesting concept.
I have never heard of thisperspective of it, so not.
Speaker 4 (53:04):
a lot of people have Um, and then you have.
The majority of men are goingto say well, my love language is
physical touch, because I wantsex.
And is it that you want sex?
Or you have never been allowedand taught to express emotions
and you think sex equalsemotional connection?
And that goes back to sex ismeant to be the celebration of
(53:27):
intimacy that you've alreadyestablished and we, as you said
before, we have a wholegeneration of men who were never
properly taught about realintimacy, real emotional
vulnerability.
True intimacy requires a levelof emotional vulnerability that
is threatening to a lot of menbecause they don't understand it
(53:47):
, because they were never taughthow to truly be emotionally
vulnerable with someone elseWell, men or women, so it
definitely can be both, and theyuse that as a way to substitute
for real vulnerability.
And then they think their lovelanguage is physical touch, and
(54:08):
so or it becomes a weapon.
You have to have sex with mebecause my love language is
physical touch, and that'smarital coercion and that's not
okay.
So there's a lot of problemswith the love languages.
Speaker 3 (54:29):
Yeah, I can tell I definitely hit a nerve because
you know, know, but for me, whenI learned about the love
languages um gosh, what wasabout 18 years ago, 15 years ago
it helped me understand how tocommunicate with my husband
because we had, you know, mineis just a quality time and you
(54:53):
know, if you're going to spend alittle bit of time with me,
that just means the world to me,whereas you know, his was
actually gifts so, and he wouldalways get mad because I never
even thought about giving him agift, because that has nothing
to do with me.
So it really helped us to geton a more that deeper intimacy
(55:15):
level so we could understandwhere each one was coming from.
So I've never heard of thisperspective, but I can see.
It's just like everything haspros and cons, so I can totally
see the side of it too, on wheresomebody's coming from, on
their aspect of it and I knowthat a lot of people think it's
helped them.
Speaker 4 (55:34):
And you know, I I do.
I love seeing marriagesimproved, so that's that is
important to me.
But there's also, it's just notthe best option anymore.
You know, it might've been thebest option, you know, 20 years
ago.
Um, cause I, you know, likeI've been married for over 20
(55:56):
years too, and it really was oneof the only options back then.
But now there's a lot of otheroptions, and especially things
like um, I don't want to beloved in just one way.
I don't want to be pigeonholed.
I want in in my.
When I really started deepdiving the problems with it, I
(56:17):
realized, depending on the phaseof life that we're in, I want
to be loved in different ways.
Right, if my husband has been,if, if I traditionally think my
love language is acts of service, because'm a stay-at-home mom
who needs more support than I'mgetting but my husband has been
(56:37):
gone for three weeks, all of asudden I'm going to want
physical touch more than I wantacts of service.
I'm going to want him snugglingwith me because I've been
touch-tarred for three weeks,rather than up and doing the
dishes.
Three weeks rather than up anddoing the dishes Versus if he is
(56:57):
home every day and I'm homewith a sick kid who's been
puking for 72 hours and I'vebeen, you know, holding the sick
kid all day long while gettingpuked on, don't touch me, I
don't want physical touch, Iwant you to clean something,
right.
But then my husband's going toturn around and say, well, I
thought your love language wasphysical touch.
No, don't touch me, I'm a pukeymess, I don't want touch, I
(57:20):
want you to clean some puke,right.
And so the framework becomesvery rigid and doesn't allow for
the flexibility of.
But I thought it turns it intoa checklist, something to do
instead of really seeing yourspouse and where they're at
(57:41):
Right.
And using a framework like the12 intimacies is more focused on
building the marriage thanrather the individual who is
saying, well, you're not meetingmy needs, right.
And if you feel really, um,even like the, the love
languages can kind of you cankind of see where they would fit
(58:04):
in the intimacies because, likequality time, it could be
something like, um, intellectualintimacy, like reading a book
together.
It could be recreationalintimacy, you know, like playing
a game together, um, so, butthe intimacies are more focused
on building the marriage versusthe love.
(58:25):
Languages are more focused onon self um, and so is there
potentially something to belearned from them.
Yes, are they reallyproblematic?
Speaker 3 (58:39):
yes, yeah, like I said, I've never heard of that
perspective, but I can see it.
It just it person cons toeverything, so I can totally see
it.
Speaker 4 (58:47):
Yeah and a lot of people don't really, because a
lot of people are just lookingat the surface of it versus like
.
My job as a sex and intimacycoach is to look deeper and like
okay, what are the long-termconsequences of this framework?
Speaker 3 (59:03):
Yeah, yeah, valid point, very valid point.
I love it.
Any final words you want to sayto our audience, and also, you
need to make sure they know howto find you so they can follow
you?
Speaker 4 (59:16):
Yes, you can find me on my website,
thechristiansexpertcom, and allof my socials are linked through
my website.
Speaker 3 (59:24):
Okay, perfect, and we'll also include them on the
description in the podcast.
So if anybody wants to, theycan just go jump on there and
just click on the links.
That sounds great, all right,thank you so much.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (59:39):
Hey, there it's Dino, your roadie and guide on the
side.
Wow, what an amazingconversation we just had about
keeping the spark alive on theroad.
As a driver who's gone almostthe entire year, I picked up
some great tips.
Remember, folks, it's not justabout physical touch.
There are many types ofintimacy.
Set up regular check-ins withyour partner, Make an intimacy
(59:59):
menu, Get creative with FaceTimedates and don't forget to
communicate, communicate,communicate.
Be sure to follow AngelaGriffin on social media for more
great content.
Her contact info is in the shownotes.
If hearing this show has madeyou realize that distance has
created some challenges in yourrelationships, her one-on-one
coaching may be just what youneed.
(01:00:20):
As you can see from thisepisode, she has so much wisdom
to share.
Want more awesome content likethis?
Join our Facebook groupsEnjoying Life, OTR and Healthier
Truckers.
Share your road adventures,discover hidden gems and connect
with fellow drivers in EnjoyingLife OTR.
Over in Healthier Truckers,tackle daily movement challenges
(01:00:42):
designed specifically for lifein the cab.
It's all about becominghealthier truckers and buckle up
for next week's show.
Folks, we're welcoming a trueroad warrior who's shaking up
the industry.
This driver-turned-entrepreneurdidn't just hit the brakes when
faced with injustice.
She shifted gears and startedher own trucking company.
She'll share money-saving hacks, tips for homeschooling on the
(01:01:06):
move and her mission to tacklethe truck parking crisis.
But that's not all.
Hear how she's fighting forbetter conditions for all
drivers, men and women alike.
Her story of courage andinnovation will inspire you to
be the change you want to see inour industry.
Trust me, this is one episodeyou don't want to miss.
This is Dino signing off.
(01:01:26):
Keep those wheels turning andthat love burning.
Catch you on the flip side.
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