The Art of Bouncing Back with Coach Dar | Ep. 12

Welcome back to Entitled To Nothing.  In this episode, we dive deep with the phenomenal Darleen Santore, also known as Coach Dar, a renowned mental skills coach and motivational speaker who has worked with top athletes and executives across various sports leagues and Fortune 500 companies. Darlene shares her profound journey of overcoming personal adversities, including multiple strokes and the loss of her parents, to become a beacon of resilience and strength. Her book, "The Art of Bouncing Back," lays out a transformative nine-step plan to overcome any adversity, which we explore in detail. Join us as Coach Dar imparts valuable insights on embracing challenges and using them as fuel for growth and success. Whether you're facing your own setbacks or looking for motivation to push through tough times, this episode is a must-listen!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
I came to this realization when I was in the
hospital for my third stroke.
I was looking at the heartmonitor.
You don't want to see thatflatline.
But I remember sitting theregoing gosh, I want that
heartbeat all the way up, allthe way down, all the way up,
because I want that, to knowthat my heart is strong enough
to handle this.
And as I'm sitting there havingmy third stroke, a coaching
principle comes to my head.

(00:20):
I'm like, if I make it throughthis, I'm teaching this.
And I was thinking, oh my gosh,everyone just wants to coast.
Which coasting is flatlining?
Everyone wants this kind ofline in life.
But that is not the fullness,that's not the heartbeat, that
is not what gives you all oflife.
It's the ups and the downs.
So if you're in a valley, holdon, you're going to get a blood

(00:41):
flow, you're going to get thepush back up.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
Welcome to Entitled to Nothing, where we believe our
life is our fault.
My name is Mink and I startedthis show because I've spent the
last 20 years running headfirstinto failure after failure, and
I've learned how to turn myfailures into lessons, and I've
used those lessons to createlife on my terms.
I went from being broke andbankrupt with six figures in

(01:06):
debt to starting multiplecompanies that have generated
over 50 million in sales, and Iwant to share everything I've
learned on my journey to helpinspire you on yours.
So this week, guys, we've gotan amazing episode.
I had the privilege to sit downwith Darlene Santor, better
known as Coach Dar.
She was the mental skills coachfor the Phoenix Suns for

(01:28):
multiple years.
She's a performance coach forathletes and executives in the
NBA, nhl, mlb, nfl, all thesports leagues.
She works with Fortune 500executives and she really helps
coach people on the mental sideof life.
And she does this because inher life, she has overcome

(01:51):
unbelievable obstacles.
She's had not one, not two, notthree, but four strokes.
She's lost both of her parents.
She's had this incredible lifeof adversity and struggle and
challenge, and she's found a wayto turn all of it into a
purpose that drives her to helpanyone and everyone.

(02:12):
She can overcome any setback.
She wrote a book called the Artof the Bounce Back, which she
gives you her nine-step plan onhow to overcome any adversity in
life, and in this episode wedive into the book and, more
importantly, we dive into thechallenges of life and how you
and I can learn from herexperiences and learn from our

(02:34):
adversities and ultimately usethem to fuel us for growth and
help us get to the next level.
I think you're going to reallyappreciate this episode.
I had an amazing conversationwith Coach Dar and I can't wait
to share it with you.
So let's get started.
Need no permission.

(03:11):
I'm a man on a mission, sotoday I'm really excited.
I have a special guest here totalk about what it means to be
entitled to nothing and what itmeans to be responsible for our
life, for our experiences and,ultimately, how to bounce back
from any setbacks that we havein life.
So today we have Darlene Santor, better known as Coach Dar, who
is an author, licensed andboard-certified occupational
therapist and sought-aftermotivational speaker.

(03:33):
She worked as a mental skillscoach for the Phoenix Suns.
She's got clients in the NBA,in the NFL, in the MLB, in the
PGA, in the NHL, as well asexecutives of Fortune 100
companies, and just put out abook that has now become a
bestseller.
It's called the Art of BouncingBack how to Find your Flow

(03:58):
Thrive at Work and In LifeAnytime You're Off Game, like
I'm off my game right now.
All right, coach, dar, thankyou for joining the show.
How are you today?

Speaker 1 (04:09):
thanks so much for having me on.

Speaker 2 (04:11):
I appreciate it seriously it has been.
We've had the opportunity toconnect recently.
Yeah, it's been a pleasure tojust get to know you, get to
know your story and learn alittle bit about you and, as I
said in the intro, I'm reallyexcited to have you here because
I think everything that Ibelieve with all my heart, I
feel like you are the epitome of, and what I want to do to start
it out actually is just startright at the beginning of your

(04:32):
book, because in principle oneit's called embracing the suck
right, which is amazing, becauseI come across to some people.
Like when I tell people yourlife is your fault, I get a lot
of pushback, I'm sure, and someof the pushback is from people
that have experienced traumatichealth stuff.
Oh, you're saying it's my faultthat I'm depressed.

(04:54):
You're saying it's my faultthat I have cancer.
How dare you?
This is rude, this isdisrespectful, like how could
you say this?
And obviously I'm not sayingeverything that happens is your
fault.
It might not be your fault, butit is your responsibility.

Speaker 1 (05:09):
What are you going to do with it once it happens?
Exactly yes.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
Yeah, and like you're just the most perfect example
of this message and I can't waitfor the audience to hear your
story and learn about you.
But a couple of things fromyour book.
Right out of the gate.
It says a setback often movesus to a road that is even worse
but leads to an even betterdestination.
Yes, it's like a beautifulquote and I'm not going to try

(05:32):
to pronounce this name.

Speaker 1 (05:34):
Oh yeah, macoma, yeah , it's a lot longer?

Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yeah, but I was struck on the first page because
you said I wake up everymorning and I have two thoughts.
Dar you have the ability to goawaken greatness in yourself and
others today, as wide as Godwill allow, so go live your
mission.
So that's thought number one.

(05:56):
And then thought number two isbe grateful for today, because
any day can be your last, or youcould have your fourth stroke.
So say the important thingstoday.
Yeah, fourth stroke, yeah,that's pretty unbelievable.
On the next page in this.
I was reading this and I gotemotional and that's when I sent
you a message this weekend.
It says the truth is I've hadmore than one major setback in
my life that almost kept me frombouncing back, much less moving

(06:18):
forward.
I've been forced to practicewhat I preach.
I say forced, as there's beenseveral times I did not want to
take my own best advice becausethe gut punches took everything
out of me.
And then you list some of yourcrazy setbacks.
Setback number one I had myfirst stroke.
Number two I was told Icouldn't have kids.
Number three I went through adivorce.

(06:39):
Four I had my second stroke.
Five I had my second stroke.
Five I had my third stroke,which took away my ability to
speak fluently and as a coachand a speaker, that has a little
bit of an impact.
A lot, right, very much so,okay, uh, and then the insurance
company tells you that they'renot going to cover your
rehabilitation, and at that timeyour next setback is you're

(07:03):
struggling to get speaking gigsbecause of everything going on.
Therefore, you don't have a lotof money to pay for the medical
rehabilitation.
Then, setback number eight yourmother dies.
And then setback number nine isyour father dies.

Speaker 1 (07:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:18):
So I read this and I'm just like, oh my God, and
when I met you and when I seeyou, you're just this loving,
passionate, just source ofinspiration and encouragement
for so many people.
And then I read your story andI learn about all of the
struggle and challenge andsetbacks you've had, but in your
affirmation you say somethingto the effect of you have to

(07:40):
take 100% responsibility foryour life.
Yeah, there's no other way,right?
How, like take us maybe, giveus fill in the gaps a little bit
on the story, like when was thefirst stroke, how did that
happen and how have youdeveloped this bounce back
mindset?

Speaker 1 (08:01):
I did not want to be the expert in this, but life has
allowed me the opportunity andI say opportunity because I
really look at all thisadversity and struggle as a way
of it allowing me to advance, tohelp people more, and this is
all.
All of this is why I'm sopassionate.

(08:22):
What I'm doing, because Ideeply, deeply care when people
hurt or I'm for the underdog.
Every day I'm for the underdog.
I love the story, the 30 for30s in life.
I love people startingsomething.
I love when people get thechance to come back at something
, because that's been my wholelife and I started from that.
I mean, my parents came fromnothing.

(08:43):
You know they're from Italy.
Well, my family's from Italy,italian family.
In Connecticut.
We didn't have a lot.
My mom was a barber, my dad wasa tool and die maker.
We had a lot of Italians overour house every Sunday.
Well, we didn't have a lotfinancially.
We had family.
Thankfully we had familybecause it was like my rock
family and thankfully we hadfamily because it was like my
rock as crazy as they arebecause they are the Sopranos.

(09:06):
But I saw my mom have her firsttriple bypass at 40 years old
and she went throughexcruciating surgeries early on
and she had multiple heartsurgeries her whole life until
she passed at 72.
And I saw this woman fight backevery damn day.
Every day she'd get up andshe'd go to the barbershop as

(09:28):
soon as she got healthy enoughbecause she said you know what,
dara, if God has me here, thenI'm needed, because someone in
that barber seat's going to needa word today.
And she had purpose.
And I just saw her in pain,never complain, get up and go.
So just think how that wassetting me up for when my
adversity came.
I was thinking I saw this woman, who is like my hero, get up

(09:53):
and do it.
I got this and, to your point ofno, I didn't ask for the
strokes, but they came my wayand all the adversity that's
come my way.
You get to a moment when ithappens, you embrace the suck.
You have to deal with theemotion of it because if not,
it's going to come out somewhereelse.
But then you have to get ahandle of it and say so what now

(10:16):
?
What?
Okay, it is what it is, whatare we going to do about it?
Because if we don't do that,then we're going to be stuck in
this victim mentality over andover.
I mean the stroke is a part ofmy story, but it is not my whole
story.
I want the triumph to be thestory.
I want the people's, all thelives that I helped, to be the
story.

(10:36):
I want how this was, all ofthis helped me go forward to
serve better.
Because I'll say I live withthe mission of awakening
greatness.
But I I live with the missionof awakening greatness but I
really live with the mission ofI didn't come here for me Like
legit, right now, today, I'm noton this earth for me.
It's not for what dollar couldaccumulate, no, it's.
I'm here because God gave me amission and I'm going to serve

(10:59):
that out like a soldier untilthe day I'm called out of here.
And so when you have thatmentality of soldier, what's
your mission and how you serve?
And I mean I look at this asI'm showing up to life so I
could help people live theirlife, and if I don't, that could
mean one person who needed itmight not get what they need.
So I live with that.
And once you have that mentality, when the shiz hits the fans,

(11:27):
you're like, okay, bring.
When the shiz hits the fans arelike, okay, bring it here we go
, been there, done that.
It's like the cold plunge.
You know how you get in thecold plunge every day.
Yeah, it's cold, but once youexpose yourself to the cold
enough, your body's like oh, weknow what he's doing now.
You know it's it, knows it.
That's what adversity does.
When you put yourself in enoughadversity or you've gone
through enough, when it comesyou're're kind of going all
right, I don't like this, but Iknow that for every other

(11:50):
challenge I've been through Igot to the other side and I'll
get to the other side as long asI get up and keep going.

Speaker 2 (11:56):
Yeah, it's so funny.
You say that.
One of the points that I markedin the book that I wanted to
reference is literally aboutthis, and it says adversity is
part of life.
There's going to be times whereyou feel defeat, sadness, grief
and loss.
You'll have days where theworst case scenario is playing
out in your mind on repeat, andwhile all those feelings may be
real, in order to actually moveforward you have to reframe the

(12:19):
situation Always.
And then you talked about howresearch shows that there are
measurable health benefits fromaccepting negative emotions and
thoughts.
As ironic as that sounds,studies show that people who
accept their negative emotionsinstead of judging them actually
experience fewer negativeemotions.

Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah, you create almost a neutrality with it
because once you startunderstanding that there's going
to be negative, understandingthat there's going to be
negative feelings, there's goingto be adversity, you're going
to go through challenges and youdon't try to positive Pollyanna
it, you accept it for what itis because you have to.
It's like the general going inbattle, looking over the hill
and going, yeah, this is notgreat over there, I don't like

(13:02):
any of this, but we're preparedand we're going to go, do the
best we can.
Let's go.
Troops, that's how you have tohandle life and when you do that
you have, psychologically, youare much more prepared to win
the battle.

Speaker 2 (13:14):
Yeah, you know, I've heard it said that obviously you
don't want problems to happen.
You don't want adversity,struggles, challenges, yeah, but
it would be naive to notunderstand that they're coming.
And so it's like I don't knowwhat life or God or whatever has
in store for me.
I don't know what challenges oradversity I'm going to go

(13:35):
through.
I don't wish for it, I don'twant for it, but I know at some
point in time it's coming.
And just by understanding thata worthy opponent is going to be
in your future, rather thanseeing it as a negative or as
life happening to you, right,you can see it as okay, like I

(13:55):
don't like it, I don't want it,but it's here, so I have to deal
with it.

Speaker 1 (13:58):
Right, it's for you, it's for you and it's listen, we
cannot get better and we willnever appreciate the fullness of
life if we don't go throughadversity.
And I came to this realizationwhen I was in the hospital for
my third stroke and I waslooking at the heart monitor.
And when you're in the hospital, you don't want to see that

(14:18):
flatline because you're like,well, if this flatlines, we're
out, game over.
But I remember sitting there,going gosh, I want that
heartbeat all the way up, allthe way down, all the way up,
because I want that, to knowthat my heart is strong enough
to handle this.
And as I'm sitting there havingmy third stroke, a coaching
principle comes to my head.

(14:38):
I'm like, if I make it throughthis, I'm teaching this.
And I was thinking, oh my gosh,everyone just wants to coast.
Which coasting is flatlining,everyone wants this kind of line
in life.
But that is not the fullness,that's not the heartbeat, that

(14:59):
is not what gives you all oflife.
It's the ups and the downs.
And, by the way, when you hearthe beat down, you'll hear a
beat up and then it'll go downand it'll go up, it's going to.
So if you're in a valley.
Hold on, you're going to get ablood flow, you're going to get
the push back up and then youmight slide a little, but then
it'll go back up.
You have to stay in the fightand we cannot expect life to
coast, not relationships, notour children, not our careers.

(15:21):
I mean if, literally, yourcompany was like gosh, if it
could just coast, that means nogrowth, that means no depth,
that means no fullness.
You can't appreciate everythingif you just let it coast.
And if you let it coast yourfoot's off the gas, you're going
to roll backwards.
So you have to literally lookahead, stay on course and accept

(15:43):
the ups and downs and when theycome, just know you have a
hundred percent bounce back rate.
No other, there's no other statin our life we have a hundred
percent, but damn it, we have ahundred percent bounce back rate
right now for listening to this.
That's awesome.

Speaker 2 (15:57):
It's so beautiful.
I was, I had the privilege togo to India and I did this like
little spirituality retreat,meditation, all this stuff.
And one of the things that theysaid was all suffering that we
experience comes fromself-centered thinking yeah,
which I've thought about that alot.
And as you were talking, youwere like I am not here for me,

(16:19):
I'm here to serve, and giveneverything that you've been
through and given everythingthat you've been through, it
would be very easy for you tofeel like life is happening to
you at times.
And we didn't even get intolike how the stroke happened,
but it was due to a medicalmalpractice, would you say it's
just a freak thing.

Speaker 1 (16:38):
I've gone to a chiropractor.
They manipulated my neck.
When they manipulated my neck,they ripped the vertebral artery
to my brain.

Speaker 2 (16:45):
Yeah, so you go for a routine chiropractic
appointment, breaks an artery inyour neck that goes to the
brain.
Stroke one, two, three can allbe related to that experience.
That wasn't your fault, youdidn't have anything to do about
it, no hereditary issues, it'sjust literally a fluke accident.
I think it would be so easy tosuffer for a lifetime because of

(17:07):
that happening.
It would be so easy to say thishappened because of someone
else, they fucked up or this orthis or this.
And you've found a way to notonly transcend that like victim
mentality or that suffering, butyou've turned it into a force
for good for others and you'veused it to literally encourage
and support countless lives.

Speaker 1 (17:29):
Well, you said when you went to India and you
learned that principle for me,my mom.
I was raised with faith and shesaid listen, dar, jesus
suffered.
He didn't have to.
He came and literally sufferedfor us.
So everyone's going to bear across.
It's going to be somethingwe're all going to bear,

(17:49):
something which is suffering Inthis life.
There'll be suffering periodwhen you know that, coming into
this world and that is, you know, he's my hero and I'm thinking
well, sugar, the most perfecthuman being on the planet,
suffered.
What means?
What makes me think I'm notgoing to?
Everyone's going to have tocarry something.
We're not going to go freewithout it.
So I'm already ready, like I'min the battle, I was prepared

(18:10):
for it.
My mom's, like it's coming,just be ready.
I was asked the other day on ashow what would you tell someone
younger?
I said strap in, get ready.
It's going to be hard, butyou're going to make it, because
I'm not going to give falsehope.
I'm going to give you hope butI'm going to let you know I'm a
realistic optimist.
There's going to be challenges,but get ready and get prepared

(18:31):
now, because you're going tomake it through it.
And the more tools you couldlearn now, the better you'll be
to fight the battles, whichmeans you'll get through it
better.
And the whole point of writingthis book was because, from the
youth to adults, we're just nottaught enough mental resiliency
tools.
We're just not.
And my whole career as atherapist in neuroscience and

(18:54):
neuropsychology, my whole worldnow coaching athletes and CEOs
or business owners, is I'mgiving them the mental edge.
But the whole thing is I keepteaching them the mental edge.
But the whole thing is I keepteaching them mental resiliency
tools.
And so why I'm doing that is sothat when the lows come low,
they won't be as low once youlearn the tools Because it's
like going to the gym youstretch your fibers, the muscle

(19:16):
grows.
Now, when you go to take a loadon, your muscle is bigger and
stronger to handle that load.
The same happens with mentalresiliency.
The more you build it and workon it, which is all the mental
fitness tools that I teachyou're building muscle, so when
the hits come, you have a largermuscle, so the lows don't go so
low, so you're not in thevalley as much.

(19:38):
And what's it mean?
When you have a bigger muscle,you could peak back up faster.

Speaker 2 (19:42):
Yes, you don't go as low.
I have to say I mean one of thewhole reasons why I didn't want
to start a podcast because Ithought the world needed another
one.
I mean, it surely doesn'tthere's enough people out there
talking about different things.
But from my perspective, I feltlike everything that you just
said I feel is absolute truth.
Life is going to be hard, it'sgoing to be difficult, shit's

(20:04):
going to happen, things aregoing to break, you're going to
fall down.
No one gets out alive, no,right.
But we can enjoy the experience, just simply by understanding
that oftentimes, the biggestproblem we have is we think we
shouldn't have them.
Yeah, exactly, I heard TonyRobbins say that once and I was

(20:24):
like that literally is the keyto happiness in life.
Yes, like, I think we becomeunhappy because of unmet
expectations and we have allthese expectations that it
should just be sunshine andrainbows, and then we get pissed
when it rains and it's like,well, you have to have the rain
and the sun to create life.
Yes, and it's just sointeresting to me because I just

(20:45):
feel like we have all of, wehave access and exposure to so
many things, but everybody doeswant to make it about how good
it is versus like the truth oflife being.
It's really going to be hard,and I think that's just what I
love about your message in thislike beautiful, elegant form is
like these are all the thingsthat I went through.
I love about your message inthis beautiful, elegant form is
like these are all the thingsthat I went through and we can

(21:09):
use all of this for good.

Speaker 1 (21:10):
And you know what?
There's beautiful moments alongthe way, just like the
heartbeat.
There's the up points that areit's all the beauty, and you
seize those moments.
I mean I could remember.
What I do is I take mentalpictures of things when I'm I
was able to go and for the firsttime in my life this summer to
Italy and I got to teach outthere and I've always wanted to

(21:33):
go and then just timing wouldn'tallow it.
And then I thought how amazingit took me all these years to go
, but I get to go because I'mteaching there.
And when I sat there in Italy Ijust took a mental picture and I
was so full of gratitude that Icould be in my mother country
with my people eating and it wasjust amazing.

(21:53):
And I just sat there at momentsand I would take these pictures
and I said don't forget thisstar, because when it gets hard
I'm going to mentally go to here.
I'm going to go to here to thismoment, to remember those
moments.
So take mental pictures they'relike anchors and enjoy the
moment when you know you'regetting that time in life where
you're going.
This is awesome.
Or there's moments where I'vejust sat at the table, people I

(22:16):
loved sharing a meal and I'mlike and I say it all the time
now I'll go, I'm so happy, I'lltell people I'm like, I'm so
happy right now, and they laugh.
They're like does it take you alot?
I'm like nope, no, it doesn't.
And I'm like but I let peopleknow like I'm so happy because
I've experienced such pain thatwhen I experienced joy, I want
it to be known.

(22:36):
And so we don't always get thislong runway of moments.
They come in many moments andso enjoy them, because that's
how you get oxygen when you'reclimbing the mountain.
It's like when I climbedCamelback.
I remember climbing Camelbackhere and I'm thinking 10 minutes
in what the hell?
I was like how long is thisgoing to take and am I actually

(22:59):
going to be able to do this?
And I thought I was in shape,but I was dying 10 minutes in
and I'm like okay, you know whatthe lesson here is as soon as
you catch your breath, you havethe endurance to go again.
You don't quit.
You don't not climb thatmountain, because when you get
to the top, the view isincredible.
And I was so glad my buddy'slike you're going to want to get
to the top, and so I justremember that I kept going and

(23:20):
then I was like gassed and I'mlike I got to stop.
He's like, okay, caught mybreath.
I'm like, all right, I could goagain, even in workouts.
Now, when I'm like, damn, thisis hard.
I'm like hold on, catch yourbreath, you could do it again.
That's life Go.
You'll go to the point whereyou're like I need a moment.
Great, take the moment.
Stop, keep climbing.

Speaker 2 (23:42):
Yeah, yeah.
What is your inspiration?
To keep climbing in thosemoments.

Speaker 1 (23:54):
I'm on the mission for Jesus.
Not kidding, I am listen, I amall in.
I'm all in on my mission.
I would not be here without itand I'm not going until he calls
me home.
When he calls me home, I'mready.
I get to go see my family,let's go, but he knows the time,
I don't, and I'll just keepgoing until then.
I mean, whatever comes my way,I'm going.
I love that, yeah.

Speaker 2 (24:13):
So you started out as an occupational therapist,
working in hospitals, helpingsupport patients and through all
these health challenges andstruggles that redirected your
focus.
And now you work with topathletes, executives,
entrepreneurs.
What's that experience like,and how did that even become
possible?
When you hear like, oh, youknow, you traveled with the

(24:34):
Phoenix Suns for five years.
You were in, you know, you wereI don't want to say in the
locker room, but you were likein the organization, coaching
them, helping them stay sharpand on their game, how does one
even get to that point and howdid life or God guide you in
that direction?

Speaker 1 (24:50):
So here's what I want to tell people is when you
follow your giftedness and whereyour strengths are, it'll lead
you to exactly where you'resupposed to be.
I always say don't force, letit flow.
Everything in my life has beenflow, not force.
I will never force myself in aroom, in a situation, in a group
, and so I've never left my path.

(25:11):
I'm still an occupationaltherapist.
In all that I do today, I'mtrained, board certified, to
literally help people live lifeto their fullest mentally,
physically and spiritually.
I help find ways to make theimpossible possible.
I help create mental edge.
Make the impossible possible.
I help create mental edge inpeople's lives.
I've been doing that withtraumatic brain injured patients
when I start, who were theworst of the worst, with

(25:32):
everything against them.
I helped them find a new normal.
I helped them find a way, andso I ended up going back to
school for business because Iwanted to fix healthcare.
So when I got done at 28, Ibecame president of a healthcare
company, which I didn't knowwhat the hell I was doing.
But my mentor said say yes, putgood people around you and go,
and the whole thing in businessand leadership is what Helping

(25:55):
their mindset.
So I took all my tools in thehospital, moved it into business
and said, oh, everything isabout helping build human
capital.
Oh, I got that.
I've been doing that forliterally years, building human
capital and mental capital.
So I did that in business,because figuring out a business
process is easy.
Getting a group of people tofollow that, that's a lot harder

(26:16):
.
And so I did that in business.
And then in 2008, when the worldwas crashing, I literally just
felt like I was watching anaccident and I felt like I was
an EMT going by and I needed tohelp people.
And I left a very lucrativecareer to go serve on the front
lines and I left everything.

(26:38):
I needed health insurance, Ileft it.
I needed income, left that andleft a very corporate job to
start my own practice because Ibelieved I could help people in
a better way and it was truly acalling.
At that moment I heard drop yournets and follow and I was like
let's go.
My father goes.
Is this the damn stroke?

(26:58):
Speaking Like this is thestupidest thing I've ever heard.
No business plan, no clients.
You don't even know what you'redoing.
Like I said yes, I do.
I know my gifts and talents.
I've run companies.
I'm just going to start.
It's like you've never starteda practice.
But to the point I said earlier,go ugly early.
I was like we're going to start.
My first ever brochures of mespeaking are so ugly it's not

(27:21):
even funny.
I made them on my Mac computerand I was like I'm going to
speak on mindset.
Whoever showed up.
I'm going to start talking andI'm going to start shifting
lives.
And I called it Nights ofInspiration and I just got out
there.
I was convicted by my passion,not by profits.
It will come, the money willcome.
And by the way, it ebbs and itflows, and it ebbs and it flows.

(27:41):
You're like, okay, but guesswhat?
Through all that, no one couldtake away your gifts and talents
.
So I just kept following that.
And then that's how it keptbuilding.
And then players would come tome on the down low before all
this mental conditioning.
And now people hire me as theirown mental skills coach, which
is fantastic.
But I was like Elon Musk backthen saying, hey, we're going to

(28:02):
have self-driving cars.
They're like you're crazy whenI was talking about mindset is
the new way, like working onyour edge is the new way.
Work on this now, and you couldbe that better CEO, that player
.
So it was all word of mouth andthen that's just how it grew.
It's been word of mouth foralmost 20 years.

Speaker 2 (28:21):
So you're going to leave the security and comfort
of something for the lack ofsecurity and unknown of
something else?
Where does the confidence comefrom to do that?
Or how did confidence,self-doubt, limiting beliefs,
how did all of that have a roleor an impact on you in that
moment?
Because I think so.

(28:41):
Actually, we just recorded apodcast and I said the biggest
mistake I've ever made in mylife is I didn't believe in
myself.
And the truth is I didn't formost of my life and there's a
whole lot of reasons why.
But I, I, I, with live bearded.
I'm privileged to talk tothousands of men men over the
years and I really do think thatconfidence and self-doubt, or

(29:02):
limiting beliefs, is the numberone mistake that people make.
It's the number one thing thatholds them back.
So when I'm listening to you, Ihear someone that just believes
, just trusts, just has faith.
How did you build that?
Where does that come from Ifsomeone's listening to this and
they're like, oh well, whatabout this and what about this?

(29:24):
I don't believe this.
I don't know if I can do that.
What are my gifts?
I don't know how do they get tothat place of conviction and
faith that you had?

Speaker 1 (29:33):
I'll start with what worked for me and then maybe
give some tips.
So again, I grew up in awhether it's your own personal
family or a tribe around you.
I will tell you what helpsconfidence is having the right
tribe, because it could be twofriends, it could be one person,
but just knowing someone could,like, cheer you on and not that

(29:54):
my family would cheer me on,because they all have scarcity
mindset but and comfort is waybetter for them.
But I just I think I alwaysknew and this is crazy, but I'm
just being totally honest as I'mthinking about this I wasn't
going to be homeless because inan Italian family, someone's
going to take you in and you'regoing to be fed Seriously.
So I'm like okay, we're good.

(30:16):
And then the other part is Iwanted so much to make a better
way for my family.
My mom works free jobs, sheworks so hard and I just wanted
her to have a better life and Iwanted to show my dad that he
could have done more too.
And my dad, I don't thinknecessarily believed in my

(30:36):
vision when I started, butbefore he passed he looked at me
and he said this will make meemotional.
I wish I had someone like youwhen I was younger.
Wow, because I might havestarted my own thing and I would
have taken a chance Because hewas really good at what he did.
He was scared because he had toprovide for a family and I just

(31:00):
have so much respect for him.
So I'm glad that I went and didit and I just I really wanted
more for my family.
I wanted more for me and Iwanted more for my family.
So that propelled me.
I also was told at 25 that Icould die any day.
So kind of you're like shiz, Icould die any day.

(31:23):
Well, let's go.
I mean, I'm afraid of whatsomeone thinks.
I'm afraid if I try a businessand it doesn't work out
Businesses don't work out allthe time, but more often than
not it's the trying to figure itout that you get to.
What does happen?
You get to every time somethingdoesn't go right, you learn
something and that's anotherstep up the mountain.
So it always leads you tosomeone, to some place, and then

(31:47):
, along the way, me just tryingdamn hard enough.
I mean, when I was starting itout and even when I left the
corporate world and I hadeverything and I was starting
again, I'd go work as atherapist during the day, change
in the car, eat whatever Icould and then go literally
coach at night.
And even with all of thisworking for me right now, when I

(32:08):
was writing this book, I wasworking full time, writing from
12 am to 4 am.
Like you, give me a task andI'm not backing down.
They say the Capricorn is agoat.
I think I'm a damn goat.
I'm like I'm climbing themountain.
We're going, like everyone onmy back, let's go.
I just.

(32:28):
The confidence comes from enoughreps in the gym, enough reps of
going at it over and over.
So I'll say to people you'regoing to be scared, you're not
going to know how it's all goingto work out, but just keep
getting enough reps in the arenathat you want to be in and
it'll lead to success.
Because the reason that we knowabout the greats is because

(32:49):
they didn't give up.
The people that we don't knowabout it's because they gave up.
Don't be the person that gaveup.
Be the person that we all know.
And Kobe Bryant said it bestgreatness is not in what you
accomplish, it's how you livethat you inspire someone else.
So greatness is open to all.
Earned by few.
Go earn it.

Speaker 2 (33:06):
So beautiful, yeah, couple of themes, again, just in
everything that you're saying.
It really does seem like whenyou're not focused on yourself,
right, then the fear, the doubt,the lack of whatever goes away.
Yeah, because your whole focusis like I want to go serve these
people, I have these skills, Ithink I can help them.
And then you knew what youwanted.

(33:27):
You were very clear on thevision and it sounds like you
were even clearer on why youwanted it.
Yeah, the why is everything.
So I think and this is the bigaha that I've had in my life
recently is just kind of goingthrough this process and
reflecting.
It's like when you know trulywhat you want, you can start to
crystallize that vision.
And then you get so attached tothe why.
The how doesn't even matter.

(33:49):
It's like who do I have tobecome in order to create the
why and then the what.
But I feel like so often whenwe're self-centered, we're
focused on how do I do this, howdo I get this?
That's where the doubt, thefear, the insecurity comes in.
And again you're just abeautiful example of like I
didn't care about any of thatshit because I was so focused on

(34:10):
what I wanted to create andwhat I wanted to serve it for
other people and why it meantsomething to me and I just I
feel like that I don't know why,but probably because for me
that's what I struggled withmost of the time, but I just
know that that's what a lot ofpeople are struggled by and I
think that that message is sopowerful to people and that's

(34:33):
why I love the you, I love thebounce back system that you've
created.
I think you're exactly rightPeople need to have some tools
to develop mental resilience andthe more that you can develop
it, the more that you can learnand grow and serve.

Speaker 1 (34:47):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (34:49):
So amazing.
So, speaking of the bounce backprinciples, you have nine of
them in the book.
We talked about number one,embracing the suck right.
Then you talk aboutunderstanding who you are
seeking feedback, discoveringyour why power right.
That's one of the mainprinciples.
Yeah, let's touch on that for aminute.

(35:09):
How does someone find their why?

Speaker 1 (35:12):
Yeah, I think it goes to and I take you exactly
through how to find the why inthe book.
But it comes down to I'll go to30 for 30, but your show is
going to be aired out.
When I gave my mom and dad'seulogy, that was their 30 for 30
.
I was reciting for them,showing videos, and I said

(35:34):
everyone here's 30 for 30 isgoing to be played out, meaning
your story.
Who are you?
What did the documentary, what'sthe docu-series you know all
about on you?
What's the title of your wholetheme of the docu-series?
And that's kind of what your.
That's really what your why is.

(35:54):
It's kind of what's the anthemyou want your story to be?
Mine is awakening greatness.
I hope when I go and as I'm onthis journey, that everyone's
like you know what Dar reallyhelped me awaken my greatness.
She stood for greatness, shestood for excellence.
She awakened something in meLike all of the message I hope

(36:14):
keep going around this themethat I'm living for.
It's my why, it's why I get upand you'll know what you're
created for, because it's a corevalue that totally aligns with
you.
So I take people throughidentifying what their core
values are and then you narrowit down to five and then you
pick one which becomes your kindof like that's your anthem, but

(36:36):
your five are your pillars.
It's a part of who you are.
But then that one is where, man, you put that stick in the
ground and that flag and you'relike this is my why and that
gives you power because you canonly will yourself so much.
When I was going through all ofmy tough times and still when
it gets hard, I could only willmyself so much to get up and

(36:59):
keep going.
But my why is what drives me.
It literally is like I'mplugged in and when I deviate
from my why, it's literally likeI got unplugged so I got to
plug back into that and thatgives me juice to keep going.

Speaker 2 (37:13):
Yeah, I just heard this distinction between grit
and grind.
And they said, grind is whenyou're just working your ass off
with no purpose or passion, butgrit is working your ass off
with purpose and passion.
And why?

Speaker 1 (37:26):
So good, that's so good.
Yes, yeah, we're gritty.
We're not the grind and thehustle.
You'll be back.
I'd be back in the hustle Everytime I try.
That does not work for me.
I could be gritty, though, andgrind I mean gritty in the sense
of, like, get up that mountain,but if you just keep trying to
will yourself through it, you'rejust depleted.

(37:48):
But your, why?
You just don't.
I mean, like these next fewdays, I told you I'll go day and
night, day and night, day andnight, all the way to midnight,
get back up workout dude againand be on.
Yeah, but I'm in my flow stateand I know what I'm doing, I
know why I'm doing it, so likethat's joy amazing, yeah,
working with professionalathletes and executives.

Speaker 2 (38:11):
What are some of the biggest challenges or struggles
that they have and how do youhelp them overcome that?

Speaker 1 (38:19):
Every single person doubts themselves.
Every single person haschallenges with their confidence
.
I don't care what name you tellme.
They've struggled withconfidence and doubt.
Or they'll go through a periodor a season or a dry spell and
then they'll think did I lose it, do I not have it anymore?
And you're like wait what?
But I get it because I do thesame thing.

(38:41):
All humans do this.
So what we do is I have aformula of how I start off the
foundation of our coachingbuilding a foundation so that
when we hit those moments dryspells, lulls, knocked person,
life, situation, injury we goback to the foundation who you
are, how you're made, the skillsyou have, the confidence card

(39:04):
we created and I'll remind themof all of their gifts and
talents.
And while all the externalcircumstances might have changed
, they didn't.
They still are the rock theystill could pull from that.

Speaker 2 (39:15):
It's so good, even just thinking about my
experience as a business ownerhere.
Right, we do seasonal productlaunches and we'll launch and
we'll sell out in a day and it'slike, oh my God, everybody's
celebrating and high-fiving likethe biggest sales day we've
ever had.
And then three months later wehave another launch and I'm like
fuck we've ever had.

Speaker 1 (39:33):
And then three months later, we have another launch.

Speaker 2 (39:34):
And I'm like fuck, can we do it again?
Yeah, of course.
Like, can we pull it off?
Yeah, or you know, the BlackFriday is like the Super Bowl
for sure, right.
And so we're like shit, can werepeat what we did?
And it's so interesting and Ihave to say that's probably the
number one thing that held meback is because all the people
that I looked up to whether itwas professional athletes All
the people that I looked up towhether it was professional
athletes, speakers like TonyRobbins has had a massive
influence on my life.

(39:55):
I love that guy with all myheart.
I never really heard him saythat he had doubts or fears and
I heard him say, well, I used to, but I conditioned that shit
out of me so it doesn't botherwith me anymore.
But what really changed for meis when I heard a couple
entrepreneurs that I look up toand on one hand they was like he
was like this is Andy Frisella.

(40:15):
He goes I'm the baddestmotherfucker on the planet.
And I'm like, okay, that's alittle, that's a little harsh,
that's a little, you know, likeout there.
And then on the on the nexthand, he was like shit, man,
like I'm just figuring this outI don't know what myself every
day, and I was like it createdthis cognitive dissonance where
I was like how could both ofthose things be true?
And so I really like had toanalyze it and I was like, okay,

(40:37):
so one is an affirmation andthe other is a fear.
But he's not driven by the fear, he's driven by the affirmation
.
And so then and he startedtalking about it in a way, for
the first time that I heard, andhe said exactly what you said.
He said all the most successfulpeople I've ever met were all
talking about I don't know if Ican pull it off again.
I don't know how I got here, Idon't even know.

(40:58):
Did I get lucky?
Can I do it again?
And I just think we seeprofessional athletes on the
screen or we read the article ofthe most successful executives
and we're like, damn, they're somuch smarter, stronger, better.
They must never have theselimitations or these fears.
And you say the number onething that everybody has is that

(41:18):
Absolutely, because they'rehuman.

Speaker 1 (41:20):
We're human, we're going to go through things that
are going to gut punch us.
I mean literally.
It's just going to take us offour game a little bit.
And then we have to go back toremembering why we started this.
And you know even entrepreneurs, everyone building something.
You build it and then you'relike I think we could still do

(41:41):
this.
I mean, I've worked with,remember specific music artists
that everyone knows, and thenevery time an album came out,
they'd go do you think someone'sgoing to want to buy this one?
And you're like, yes, yes, Iabsolutely do, because that's
the humanness.
And it's like do I still havewhat it takes?

(42:02):
Am I still relevant?
Everyone just wants to knowthat they matter.
Do I matter?
What I have?
Is it something that will helpyou?
And so we all go through thosemoments, the best of the best,
of wondering do people stillcare, do I still matter in their
life?
And the answer is yes, 1,000%yes.

(42:24):
And just be authentically.
You Just keep showing up,because that's the other thing.
If you try to play too muchinto a fake world, you can't
stand on that, but if you'reauthentically you, that is a
strong foundation For me.
I call it God confidence.
I could walk in any room,anywhere.
I've been to the White House,to the locker room, to the

(42:45):
boardrooms, people speaking onstages, and they'll say do you
get nervous?
And I'll say I get excited, butif God's called me there, then
I'm supposed to be there and I'mnot talking outside of things.
I don't know.
I'm not trying to be something,I'm not.
I'm literally coming in withthe skills and knowledge.
I'm coming into to share thegift and after I share it I go

(43:08):
away.
And so as long as I could dothat and share a gift, how could
you not stand in your calling?
It's a confidence that you get.
So as long as you're doing that, you could have the confidence
and you could ride this rollercoaster of emotions that's
coming yeah.

Speaker 2 (43:28):
It's so good.
On one hand, we are talkingabout adversity is coming, no
matter what, so prepare.
And then, on the other hand,we're saying you're going to
fear, you're going to doubt,you're going to not believe it's
possible for yourself, yeah,and that's exactly what's going
to happen, regardless of whetheryou're just getting started,
yep, or you're the billiondollar CEO, so just get

(43:50):
comfortable with that as well.
Yeah.
So it's like get comfortablewith bad shit happening, get
comfortable with doubtingyourself.
What else do we need to getcomfortable with?
What other misconceptions orlimiting beliefs do we have
about things that are justsimply not true?
Or maybe that's just part oflife and we need to learn how to
accept it?

Speaker 1 (44:10):
Let me say it a different way.
We carry around mental weightsthat throw us off our game.
So we have to get comfortablewith clearing the mental clutter
every day, and so what thatmeans is sometimes you know you
wake up and you're still off.
You know when you're on, or youknow when you're in a good mood
, or you just know and you'relike all right, let's go.
Sometimes you get up you'relike, oh, what's going on?

(44:32):
Like I'm off, I'm not locked in, I don't feel what I normally
feel.
It's a mental weight somewhere.
So is that you've been comparingto others too much?
Are you seeking approval toomuch?
Are you trying to be perfect?
That it's holding you back?
Are you carrying around someshame that you need to let go?
Is there bitterness in yourheart?

(44:54):
There's all these things thatI'll just say to people do
inventory, because when you'reoff a little bit, sit with it
for a second.
And I think we don't do thisenough, where we just get up and
go and we're not living withintention.
So you can't just get up and go, you have to get up and go with
intention.
So in order to go, get up andgo, you have to get up and go
with intention.
So in order to go withintention, you have to have done

(45:16):
some sort of reflectiveexercise in the morning of going
okay, how am I feeling?
Let's check in.
Where are we?
What's going on?
Something feels off.
What is it All right?
What's this emotion?
It doesn't have to take a lot,it's like check, check, check,
check.
Oh, this is it what's truth andwhat's false?
If what I'm feeling, is thisactually a true statement or a

(45:36):
false statement?
Because more often than not,we're filling a story in our
head that is not truth.
So clear that up, getintentional, reflect on your day
and where you want to go, Setthe intention.
How is it you want to show uptoday?
You, today, even for today,when I was getting ready, I was
like I got so settled in where Ineeded to be today so I could

(45:57):
show up, just ready for whateveryou wanted to ask, and cleared
everything out so that it's asreal as it could be.
So I think getting comfortable,being uncomfortable with
checking into our emotions, issomething people don't do enough
.

Speaker 2 (46:11):
Yeah, one of the things I believe in our world
today is we're experiencingchange, maybe faster than we
ever have as a human race.
Things are coming at us so fast.
They're evolving technology,all these things.
So I think we're, asindividuals, we're managing a
changing environment faster thanwe've really been equipped to

(46:31):
do so.
So when it feels heavy, whenpeople aren't sure why they're
off or what's going on, orthey're just dealing with change
after change or setback aftersetback, how do people get to a
place of?
Okay, let me check in withmyself.
What's that process?

Speaker 1 (46:49):
Start in the morning.
I mean, the world, everyone'sgoing to vie for your time.
Social media, people,everything wants to ping at you
all day.
You literally have to be themaster of this.
So, just like you said,entitled to nothing and the fact
that we're responsible, well,damn, we're responsible for what
we let in.
So are you fine in some quiettime?

(47:11):
It could be two minutes in yourcar before you walk in
somewhere, but just get quiet.
You cannot think in the middleof noise at your highest level.
That's where fight or flightcomes, and you could train for
it, and the military does, butfor the most part, the everyday
person they need you to findsome solitude, to get that
stroke of genius to come to havethe next best idea, to know

(47:33):
what to do next.
So find quiet time in themorning and throughout the day,
literally 30 seconds.
Just go quiet and just sit fora second, take a deep breath,
ask yourself what do I needright now?
What's my intention?
How do I want to show up rightnow?
Without doing these check-ins,the day will command us instead
of us commanding it.

(47:54):
And so do you want to win theday?
Well, you have to beintentional how you're going to
win the day, start by winningthe morning, the afternoon and
the night, and then you'll winthe day.
But without having thatintention, the day will start to
conquer you, yeah.

Speaker 2 (48:07):
What would you say to someone who's doing that
reflection and they're justexperiencing like this happened
to me?
They're experiencing the victimside of things.
They're they're stuck invictimhood, if you will.
How does someone they're likeoh, so easy for you to say, but
you don't know I'm dealing withthis and this and this.
How do you get someone to getout of that?

Speaker 1 (48:28):
um, a few things.
One is go to writing so youmight need to write like write
out what it is, write out all.
Write how pissed off you are,get it out.
Then I need you to cross outthe words that are standing in
your way and that are kind ofpulling your victim mindset and
write those are false.
They're starting to come andthey're.
I need to write true statementsto them Because if you don't

(48:52):
create interference with thatloop it's going to take you like
quicksand.
So, either writing or Iliterally have had my clients go
to YouTube and watch a comedyspecial.
I'm not even kidding, I need tochange their state when they're
in a mental loop.
You get in a mental loop andyou're in quicksand.
You literally start watchingsomething that changes your
state Watch animals, watchsomeone funny to you, and what

(49:15):
you'll do is you'll notice assoon as you do and you let
yourself laugh it changes yourstate and then the bad doesn't
seem so bad for that second.
I just need to get you out ofthat loop.
Or you call someone and what Ido is I say to my closest people
all right, I get 10 minutes totalk to you about something.
I'm really pissed off and I'mkind of perseverating on this,

(49:36):
and they're like go, I said, andI have the timer and when it
stops and don't interrupt me, Ijust need to go.
They're like I got it, likeit's the vault, and I go.
And then at the end I'm likeshiz, I'm done, I'm done.
And they're like you're done,I'm like, yeah, I'm done.
I mean I don't want it, butyeah.
And they're like but I'm done.
I committed to myself.
I got 10 minutes to rant onthis and then I have to say so

(49:57):
what now?
What?
Like it is what it is, it iswhat it is.
People, there are certainthings we cannot change.
So what are you going to doabout it?
Staying in the victim mindset,staying pissed off Every time?
You keep speaking that angerinto it.
What do you do?
You keep perseverating thatanger feeling in your body.

(50:19):
The vibrations of anger keepputting get it, this is not
woo-woo, this is science,quantum physics.
So you have to eventuallychoose, choose to shift your
state.
Man, I was sitting there sopissed off.
After my third stroke I camehome.
Insurance wouldn't cover it.
I obviously cannot work at thatmoment.
I can't even speak.
I was in the middle of trying towrite the book, not this one, a

(50:40):
different one.
And then I made a shake becauseI was so hungry and I couldn't
even open the shakes.
My hands wouldn't work.
I was like, mother trucker, Iam mad and I'm hungry and I just
want to eat and I'm tired andall these things.
I had a moment.
I called my friend and I'm likeI'm pissed.
They're like, yeah, I would betoo.
I was like, yeah, yeah, I am.

(51:01):
And they're like what are yougonna do about it?
I was like, yeah, I know Iwanted to be mad, I wanted to be
so mad.
But I'm like, yeah, what am Igoing to do with it?
Like, am I going to sit hereall day like this?
It's not going to help me.
So then I had to pick myself upand go forward.
So you have to get yourself.
You have to do things to getout of the loop.
So for me, I watch GoldenRetrievers.

Speaker 2 (51:24):
I love them.

Speaker 1 (51:25):
I listen to comedy music.
Hip hop is one of my thingsthat gets me out of it.
Hip hop is one of my thingsthat gets me out of it, but
anyways, I'll do things thatwill.
Music, by the way, is such agame changer.
Sound therapy is real and ifyou want to change the state of
your brain, whatever it is I'mdoing, these retreats start this
summer and it's going to takepeople through an experience,

(51:47):
and sound is.
I'm using a sound engineer andwe're using sound to help people
ship their states, so sound isvery powerful.

Speaker 2 (51:54):
Yeah, you talk a lot about environments in the book,
whether it's like theenvironment with music, the
space that you're in, how youcan do things.
It sounds like you've developedalmost a playbook for yourself
for when you're not on your game, to interrupt the pattern and
get you back into your game.
Yeah, is that something thatyou teach all your clients to do
as well?

Speaker 1 (52:14):
Right there in the book, I literally everything I
use in the middle of writing thebook.
Okay, so at 25 years old I wastold that I could die any day
and that I couldn't have kids.
And I just bought the book whatto Expect what You're Expecting
?
I had married my collegesweetheart.
I was like life is great, I'mliving the American dream, this
is awesome.
And then that hits and I'm likewhoa, whoa, whoa, what is this?

(52:38):
And having a family was a bigthing for me.
I mean, I'm Italian, hello, youhave kids, like right away.
But I just I love family.
And so when I was told that itwas such a hit, but I lived with
, because I have this blood clotthat if it dislodges any day I
could die.
So getting pregnant was not anoption because the baby could

(53:00):
live, but I could die.
So I lived all of these years,from 25 to in my 40s now,
avoiding certain relationshipsbecause I didn't want to hurt
them.
I didn't want to get so closethat we'd want to be together
and share our life.
But then I couldn't provide afamily and that's what they
wanted.
So I chose heartbreak and Ichose to exit so that they could

(53:22):
have that, which meant a lot oflonely times to only find out
while I'm writing the book theexact chapter reframe the game.
I'm going through some.
I was having some bad headachesagain.
I was writing the book theexact chapter Reframe the Game.
I'm going through some.
I was having some bad headachesagain.
I was like, oh, could youimagine a fourth stroke while
I'm writing this damn book?
You've got to be sugaring me.
So I go to the neurologist andit's a new neurologist here.

(53:45):
And he says to me at the end ofit he's like no, I think you're
going to be fine.
We just got to mitigate somethings.
He said but did you say that?
You said you couldn't have kidsall these years.
And I looked at him.
I said what?
First of all, I didn't just saythat, I was told that?
And he goes I'm so sorry, but Ithink you could have all these
years.

(54:06):
And I looked at him.
I go, I'm going to need toprocess what you just said.
And almost I wish you didn'ttell me that because like, what
the hell am I going to do withit now?
And I sat there and I got inthe car and I had to go coach
clients and I'm like, what am Isupposed to do with this?
Like, how do I process thisright now?
So I could have had a familyall these years and then I had

(54:28):
to reframe it and I'm like allright, dara, well, I really
believe what's meant to be willbe.
I really do, against all odds.
What's meant to be is supposedto be.
So I reframed to that.
Then I reframed to if I hadchildren, I don't know that I'd
be here today having done allthe things that I did.

(54:50):
So I've helped a lot of youthand a lot of young men and a lot
of people.
They had me tally.
I think I've reached over100,000 people.
Would that have happened if thepath went this way?
I don't know.
So the refrain was I'm exactlywhere I'm supposed to be, this
is what was needed and it wasnot part of the journey, and

(55:17):
that's why I had to go this way,and I don't even know what's
ahead.
But the reframe was Daria,you're exactly where you're
supposed to be.
You did not lose time.
You didn't lose anything, yougained.
It's just different.
Does it hurt that I don't havefamily?
It does, because you want togrow old with your kids and all
of that stuff.
It's not part of my journey.
So I had to reframe it andaccept it so I can move forward.
Because that's a big thing as awoman to get really stuck on

(55:38):
and to get bitter on, and youcould be at things and be upset
about it, or you can get thereand just celebrate with everyone
.
So I have a lot of extendedfamily now.
But I had to learn thatprinciple and I was going
through I already knew how to dothese and then I had to keep
learning it while I wrote it.
And I'll tell you, whateveryou're going to speak or preach

(55:59):
on man, you're going to betested on.
So I joked around.
I'm like my next book isAbundance.
I'm like I don't want to writeon adversity, I want to write on
love and joy and abundance.
And they're like, yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 (56:13):
I think it's a good idea for you.
Yeah, I like that idea.

Speaker 1 (56:15):
Yeah, so you have to learn.
I really applied theseprinciples, but reframing things
is a big way to help handleadversity.

Speaker 2 (56:25):
I mean, it's a choice , right, it's all choice.
What I hear you saying is wecan choose this story or we can
choose this story.
Which one do you want to live?
Yeah, do you want to live thestory of the?
You know I could have done thisand this, and woe is me, and
then that leads to greaterlevels of emotional pain and

(56:46):
suffering and struggle.
Or do you want to choose thisstory that is different than
what you thought your life wasfor?
Or about how crazy of us toquestion God's grace.
We have an idea of what we thinkwe want, but ultimately,
oftentimes I think life hassomething that's even greater

(57:06):
for us if we're willing tosurrender and trust.
But I do believe everythingAgain, again, you're such a
beautiful example of everythingis a choice, in the sense that
we don't choose what happens tous, but we always choose how we
react and respond.
In the book.
So we've kind of touched on tworeally powerful principles

(57:29):
reframe the game and turn thepage.
For me, I think these areprobably the two that I think
have had the biggest impact onmy life being able to again
choose the meaning that you'regoing to put on something and
then turn the page on the badmeaning.

(57:51):
That's very difficult.
So when you're faced with thatdecision of I just learned this
I wish you wouldn't even havetold me and you're in real time
coaching yourself and turningthe page, how do we learn to do
that ourselves?

Speaker 1 (58:08):
Turn the page.
Yeah, I think once you've gonethrough the steps which is why I
put it in I put it actually ina circle rather than it's just
like this is what you do,because you're going and then
you might go back a little andyou got to go back to this step
and then you go forward and it'sjust going to keep cycling.
So you go through it.
But in order to turn the page,you need to learn how to let go,

(58:33):
you need to learn to forgive,you need to learn to release,
you need to learn to let go.
You know, in sports, sportswhen I'm working with the
players and I'm saying play theplay.
Well, you can't play the playif you're in the moment behind
you, the last play, or you can'tplay the play if you're in the
play ahead.

(58:53):
You literally have to play theplay.
You're in where your feet are,yeah, and so anxiety is so much
about us thinking about thefuture.
Depression is us stuck in thepast and the present is right
now.
So, if you want the gift, behere.
And so, if you want to be ableto really go forward, you have
to release, you have to turn thepage.
Let it go, release it.

(59:14):
The shot's done, the shot'sdone.
Make the next play ahead of you.
And you can't make that play ifyou don't let it go.
You can't have that nextrelationship, that chance for
love, you can't have that chancefor opportunity in business,
you can't have that chance withyour children if you're always
stuck in.
I see a lot of parents are like, oh, they're growing up and I

(59:36):
wish they'd stay there and, ofcourse, all of that, what about?
What about right now?
Like right now with your kids?
It's amazing you never get thatyear back in the relationship.
And even I've gone throughheartache in relationships and
the way I reframe that and turnthe pages, it taught me
something.
And when I went over to Italy,I loved this.

(59:58):
I mean, they're all full oflove.
They're like you know, love isso beautiful and we go on.
It was a love journey with thatperson.
I was like a love journeythat's beautiful, but it was
like everything is there toenjoy and you know you learn
something from it and then youmake the best of it, move on and

(01:00:18):
go forward to another one.
I love that.
I mean I'm not going out likeyou're not having 10 people here
, but I'm just saying likeeverything is about playing the
play.
You're in now, play the playLike that's the only play.
And, by the way, you want to begreat at something.
The only way you're great is ifyou play the play right now
buzzer be or shot.

(01:00:39):
Are you all in, ready to go?
Are you disconnected Becauseyou're never going to make that
shot?
But, man, we want to be great.
Play the play now and releasewhat's done.
A great sports psychologistsaid you know, when you're in
golf and you put that club backin your bag, the hole is done.
The moment you put that clubback in your bag, that's done.

(01:00:59):
Get up to the next hole andit's like new canvas all over
again.
Picasso, let's go, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:01:06):
There's a scene in the Last Dance where I don't
know who is actually speaking,but they say what made Jordan so
great was not his skills or hisability or his athleticism, and
they call them a modern daymystic.
And they said what made jordanso great is in every moment that
he was in.
He was a hundred percent inthat moment.

(01:01:28):
Yes, before the game, duringthe game, during the play, he
was a hundred percent there andI literally, like, took out my
phone, I recorded the tv sayingthat and I like how can I have
more presence in my days?
And that's exactly what you'retalking about.

Speaker 1 (01:01:44):
That's exactly it.
The greats are really good atbeing in the moment.
Yeah, and I think we don't dothat.
Sports, because it's so fast.
It allows you to more oftenthan not, but I think people
forget to apply this in life.
Yeah, and like right now, Ihave no idea what's going on in
the world, it doesn't matter, Ican't even control it, but right

(01:02:06):
now, all I can do is be presentfor this moment with you.
That's all that matters.

Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
Yeah, and if you do that enough, that leads to
greatness.

Speaker 1 (01:02:13):
Yeah, which is what you want it does, and we live in
a world where everyone justwants to feel seen and heard and
like they matter.
Well, like be there with them,don't be so.
Just, you know, you've walkedinto a room with someone and you
know when they feeldisconnected, like they're still
in the last meeting or they'rein the last call, or they're in
their head somewhere, and you'relike I mean, I've gotten up

(01:02:34):
from a table once before where Iwas like, okay, we're good.
And they're like, well, I'mlike you're not here.
And they're like I said, weliterally don't see each other.
And here we are trying to havelunch and you're somewhere else,
like trying to do somethingelse.
So it, that's cool, but I'm notwasting my time.
And they're like whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa.
I'm here, I'm here.
I'm like, okay, we're eitherhere or somewhere else, because

(01:02:57):
limited time, like let's be allin.
And it shifted their state realfast and then it was great.
But I was like, darn it, we havelimited time, like when we're
here, could we just be here?
You know what pisses me off?
It's like why do people gettogether and sit together and
scroll social media looking atother people's lives?

(01:03:18):
They're looking at otherpeople's moments and missing out
on creating the moment.
I told a university.
I said you are so damn focusedon creating a real R-E-E-L
instead of living real life.
I was like stop, we need tostop trying to capture the
moments that take us out of themoment, because we're trying to

(01:03:40):
create a real instead of beingreal.
And here I was like this is soridiculous, so we sit and watch
other people's lives instead oflike living our life.
You want to find joy.
Live the moment.
I don't know where that camefrom, but it was good, needs to
be said.

Speaker 2 (01:03:55):
I love it real versus real, yeah, that's powerful and
like we were talking aboutpresence.

Speaker 1 (01:04:01):
That's why, because it's like, how do we become more
present?
Stop living voyeurism throughother people's lives?
Yeah, like I literally go on,I'll post what I need to post
and whatever is right there iswhat I see, and if I see it, I'm
like, oh, cheering people on Ifit's not right.

(01:04:28):
There when people are like, oh,do you see this?
I'm like, no, I'm so sorry butI can't, because I don't want to
lose time watching otherpeople's lives.
That I'm.
I mean, how quickly do you losetwo hours of life watching
everyone else's life?
I'm like this is maddening.
Like we have to work on stayinggreat, just not trolling for
two hours.
Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 2 (01:04:43):
So if I was to add a third theme, then it's like
number one the adversity iscoming, yeah.
Number two you're going todoubt, you're going to, you know
, struggle at times, embrace it.
And number three be as presentas humanly possible in every
moment, because that's how youturn the page, that's how you
reframe the past challenges andfrustrations, by just being

(01:05:06):
fully here today.

Speaker 1 (01:05:07):
Yeah, and how you'll start to find more joy in the
moments.

Speaker 2 (01:05:10):
Yeah, so I think, though, the world of
professional sports is probablyvery for the average individual.
It's like this you know,elusive crazy thing.
Can you tell us like a funnylike what?
Like this you know, elusivecrazy thing.
Can you tell us like a funnylike what's something that you
didn't expect that you wouldexperience, or you didn't
understand or know as a fan,that was kind of like behind the

(01:05:31):
scenes that you uncovered?
That's funny, funny whatever.
Just something you were like.
I would have never expectedthis.

Speaker 1 (01:05:40):
Okay, this is not funny, but I think this is
people.
It's, of course, amazing tomake it to the pros and it's the
stage and all of that.
Yes, but do you realize it'sGroundhog's Day.
It is such a grind Travelingwith the team.
You know what I can tell you.
It doesn't matter.

(01:06:01):
Monday, tuesday, wednesday,thursday, it doesn't matter.
You get up, you go watch videoyou have to watch game, film
Then you go do your shoot around.
Then you come back and you havelunch.
Then you take a nap because youliterally got in at 3 am and
you're ready to go game time.
Then you get up, then you eatsomething.
Then you go to the arenapre-game game.

(01:06:23):
Then you eat something, get onthe plane, fly to the next city,
get in at 3 am, sneak your wayinto the hotel.
It's 3 am.
Like how do you fall asleepright away?
You're totally off yourcircadian rhythms.
Then you try to go to sleep.
Then you get up.
Next city, guess what.
Then you try to go to sleep.
Then you get up.
Next city, guess what?

(01:06:43):
Film, shoot around, exercise,lunch, literally nap.
I mean, it is Groundhog's Dayevery day and most people cannot
stay consistent with anything.
So when you see the pros beinggreat.
It's because they do the samething every day.
They may get a night off.
By the way, they work sevendays straight, maybe get a night

(01:07:05):
off, sometimes 12 days straight, maybe get a night off.
No parties, no weddings.
They don't get to be at thebirthday parties with their
family.
They miss out on all things fornine months, literally until
off season, but they're lockedin and it is Groundhog's Day.
It's a grind, just like a lotof our lives are.
You know, our day to day.

(01:07:25):
But people see all the flashwhen it's lights on the camera's
on.

Speaker 2 (01:07:30):
It's glamorized.

Speaker 1 (01:07:31):
Do you know what went in to make that stage?
And, by the way, they'reworking.
I love it when fans are tryingto talk to players in the middle
of a game.
It's like imagine you're tryingto stay so focused and
someone's like, hey, man, I loveyou and you know, I saw you
last night and I'm thinking,stop talking to them.
They're like I would sit in thebasketball.
I'm like basketball is the onlyplace you could sit so close to

(01:07:56):
players and I'm like could weback this away?
Because we're trying to staylocked in and this is a
distraction, but it's the game.
It's the game.
But my point is is I don't thinkpeople realize the grind it is.
You think you see them atparties and, yeah, they might
get to go to a club here orthere, but I'm telling you
that's like once every few weeksthat they get to do something

(01:08:18):
fun, otherwise it's heads down.
We're going Now.
They have a brotherhood, theymake it fun, there's a lot of
laughs and you start to loveyour family.
But you know what?
Would you want to be aroundyour family 24-7, literally
never get breaks.

(01:08:39):
Travel with them, wake up withthem?
I know a lot of people are like, yeah, I am with my family, but
I mean even work with them.
I love my family, but work withthem, sit with them.
I would need a break.
I would need a break.
They don't get breaks, they'rewith it.
So it's a lot more than yourealize.
It's fun too, but it's a lotmore than you realize.

Speaker 2 (01:09:00):
Yeah, it sounds like everyday life for most of us.

Speaker 1 (01:09:04):
Yeah, just a different game that they're
playing and that's why whenpeople get all starstruck like
what are you getting starstruckfor?
Like this is a human being thattheir life now respect them,
yes, break down and start crying.
Or people get so bad they takea TV off their wall, like what
is going on in your head, likethis is a game people.

(01:09:27):
Or when people literally yellat players and get kicked out,
I'm like they don't care.
So you just lost your abilityto sit and enjoy a night out
because you got crazy in yourhead.
I really I think I've told youI want to do my thesis on the
psyche of a fan, like it'sbananas to me and that you not
have enough worth in yourself,like you're just is valuable in

(01:09:49):
this world.
No one's better than anyone.
So appreciate the game,appreciate the grind, respect
how hard they work, but don'tdevalue yourself just because
someone gets more publicattention.

Speaker 2 (01:10:02):
It's so interesting to think about the psychology of
a fan just even from this framewe won, we won, they lost, we
won, no, they lost.
Just that detachment of wherewe want to celebrate when we win
but we want to blame or say ohthey lost.
It's very interesting.

Speaker 1 (01:10:19):
Or how about just on a level of greatness?
I mean, I say this all the time, but you'll come down on your
favorite athlete if they don'tdo something right.
And I want to be like how aboutI come down on you when you
don't do everything perfect?
You can even handle thepressure, I don't care how much
they make.
They're trying to do their best.
They fall short on fourth andone and you're all over them.
What about when you fall shortat fourth and one?

(01:10:39):
Would you like a little support?
Yeah, you would A little grace.
So it's like Twitter people outthere like calm it down a
little bit, have some compassionand you know, just realize this
is their job, that they'reworking hard every day, trying
to do their best, just like youare.
They're just getting moreattention, it's more TV time,

(01:10:59):
but man, they're human andthey're great people.
Give them some grace.

Speaker 2 (01:11:04):
I love that.

Speaker 1 (01:11:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:11:09):
Any final thoughts?

Speaker 1 (01:11:10):
Where can people follow you At the?
Coach Dar is on Instagram orDarlene Santor on LinkedIn.
I put most of my content onInstagram.
I do videos, probably daily,just trying to give some mental
tools to get through thisjourney.
Coachstarcom, for sure, hasjust go there and that leads you
to everything else.
You can get the book there onAmazon or Barnes and Noble.

(01:11:32):
I also I put out a newsletterevery Thursday that I put a lot
of work into mental tips that Iwould, things I would take
through my clients through.
So it's just come once a week,but that's some mental fuel that
I forget to tell people about,but I put a lot of heart into
that.
Just quick, it's super quick.

(01:11:53):
Give you the points you need soyou could sign up for that
there too, and then I'll behaving retreats this summer, the
experience and all year.
So stay tuned for that.

Speaker 2 (01:12:02):
Amazing.
Well, I love thinking aboutmental resilience as a muscle.
It's very like it's obvious tous if we want to build our bicep
, we lift weights.
It's not obvious that if wewant to get mentally resilient,
if we want to be able to dealwith adversity, fears, doubts,
insecurities, that we need todevelop our mental muscle.
And I think your book, the Artof Bouncing Back it is a workout

(01:12:26):
guide for the brain.
It teaches you exactly how toget resilience.
The nine principles are amazing.
I've been so grateful gettingto know you and getting to spend
some time together.
Thank you for coming here todayand, if you guys are still
listening, I truly believe, know, I truly believe the greatest
gift we have is the gift of eachother, and you've spent an hour

(01:12:47):
or so with us today, so thankyou for your time and attention.
If you got value from this,please share it with someone
that you know needs to hear it,and we'll talk to you guys soon.
Thank you very much.