Making Marriage Easier

Research shows the happiest people often have strong marriages. Are you avoiding marriage because it seems too hard? Do you want a better relationship with your husband or wife?  Collin Lambert talks with marriage veteran Arlene Pelicane about how to love and like your spouse for life! Wherever you are on the journey, Arlene will help you make marriage easier and more fun!

Today's Resource: Making Marriage Easier

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Episode Transcript

S1 (00:19):
Well. Hey there friends, welcome to another exciting edition of
equip with Chris Brooks! I'm so thrilled that you've joined
us today. Do me a favor strap on your seat
belt as we navigate through the contours of culture, as
always with the lens of the biblical worldview on. But
before we do that, let me remind you, this is
the day that the Lord has made. He is giving

(00:40):
it as a gift so that you and I can
rejoice and be glad in it. So let's do just that.
Let's follow the words of the Apostle Paul. Let's rejoice
in the Lord always. And again I say, rejoice. Today
I want you to help me to welcome to the
host seat, my good friend Colin Lambert. Colin is a
man of God who ministers through radio for decades, including

(01:02):
many years at Moody Radio. He's the host of Missions
today and is passionate about seeing people across the globe
grow in Christ Jesus. Colin, thanks for leading this edition
of equip.

S2 (01:16):
Thank you Chris. It's great to be here. Excited to
be joining you today. And I thank you, my friend,
for your time joining us. You know, it is, uh,
said that all across the country challenging, uh, marriages more
and more challenging than it's ever been. It's it's hard.
Some say why get married? It will just end in divorce.

(01:37):
Others say if you marry, you exchange romance for responsibility.
Yet the research continues to tell us that the happiest
people on the planet are those in healthy marriages. So
can marriage be great? Not just for a few people,
but for me and for you as well. What we're
going to find out today, because we've got a great

(01:59):
guest who's written a book about it. Arlene Pelikan is
a speaker. She's a host of the Happy Home Podcast,
author of several books including Parents Rising Screen Kids, which
she co-authored with Doctor Gary Chapman, and Our topic today
Making Marriage Easier How to Love and Like Your Spouse

(02:20):
for life. Arlene, welcome to the program. Great to have
you with us today.

S3 (02:24):
So wonderful to be with you, Colin. Thanks so much
for having me.

S2 (02:27):
Okay, so I think just the title of the book,
you you got two winners on that marriage is hard.
I know it is hard. So making marriage easier is
a winner. And then you also have the sub line
how to love and like your spouse. I know that
there are times we say we love our spouse. Maybe
we don't like them sometimes, but what a great way

(02:48):
to even start off the book with with just the cover.
I think it's going to give us a lot of
great information today. What led you to write this book?
I understand you have a pretty good marriage.

S3 (02:59):
Yes, I have a great marriage. We've been married 26 years,
and when we reached that year, 25, I thought to myself,
you know, this has really been kind of fun. Like,
this hasn't been this horrible, hard, terrible thing. So then
I tried to think to myself, okay, what? Like we're
not superheroes. We're not like, you know, we don't have
anything different than other people. So what was it that

(03:20):
made it easier? And that's what made me think of
the book. And it isn't making marriage easy, because we
know it is not easy to live with someone and
adapt to them. So I get that. So it's easier.
And it is. I just like everybody else. There are
moments it's very easy for me to say, oh, I
love my husband James, but do I like him in
this very moment? Right. It's like, no, you are like

(03:42):
stomping on my nerve, my last nerve. Right now you're
just stomping on it. And I know that is a
feeling that that most of us get. So out of that,
I thought, you know what, let me try to reverse engineer.
What have we done to make it easier? What are
proactive things we've done to make ourselves not only fall
in love again, but fall in like, again when those

(04:04):
moments come, like, how do we get back on track?
And that's that's where the book came from.

S2 (04:09):
Yeah, I know that many people listening today probably are
not where they would like to be in their marriages.
And I assume in your speaking, uh, circuit that you do,
and teaching and speaking all over the country, you've heard
a few stories about people whose lives were not and
their marriages were not where they wanted them to be.

S3 (04:29):
Yeah. And a lot of times we'll think, well, we
are Christians. So certainly this wouldn't happen to us, right,
to have these problems. But over and over in, in
a church setting or, you know, a church setting versus
let's say, a public school setting, it's a similar stories,
you know, of, hey, we've drifted apart. We don't have
those connections anymore. We don't have anything in common anymore,

(04:51):
and we're not sure if we should be together. So
I think this this is very needed that before we
get to that point, that we can tune it up
so that we are connected. And then even when we
are on the brink, that we know there's hope for
us to stay together.

S2 (05:07):
I know that you've broken the book down into four sections.
And these are what you call decisions. Decisions that you
all have made as a couple that really have impacted
your lives and your marriage. And we'll get through all
of these, I believe, today. But, uh, tell us a
little bit about why or how you came to this

(05:27):
idea of four decisions.

S3 (05:29):
Yeah, that they're not feelings. So it's not based on. Oh,
you were really great today. I love being married, you know,
or because then it's like, oh, you you didn't meet
any of my needs today. I don't like being married.
So it's like, wait, we don't want to. So it
really is. You've got to make up your mind. What
are the decisions I will make? And so that really
in this very emotionally driven world, right, that where we

(05:50):
are like we're listening to our emotions, we're catering to
our emotions, we're kind of babying our emotions for us
to realize, you know, sometimes my emotions lead me astray
and sometimes I just need to tell myself, stop being
so whiny and and do something to change it. If
you're having a problem, you know, or whatever it is.
So decisions that that this gives us also power that

(06:11):
it's not. We're helpless. Like, oh, I can't do anything
about my marriage. No, you can make decisions that will
make your marriage easier.

S2 (06:19):
Let's start with decision number one. It's called play by
the rules. Talk about that for a moment.

S3 (06:24):
Yeah. Some people will be like yeah, rules and other
people I hate rules, you know. So it's this isn't
about whether you are a rule follower or you're not
a rule follower. You know, I am the rule follower
in my marriage. My husband is the one that's like,
why would they put a sign there? That doesn't make
any sense, you know? So so we all have those
usually in our marriages. But this is the idea that
like if you are playing a game, if the goals

(06:46):
keep changing, if the way you score points keep changing,
if the teams keep shifting, you're like, this is not
fun to play. So you both need to be on
the same page of like, these are the rules of
our marriage. These are things that we will do. These
are things that we won't do. And you know they're
going to be different rules for different couples. I've heard
couples say, you know, like I don't ever speak Badly

(07:07):
about my spouse in public. That's a good rule. You know,
if I have something to tell you, I will tell
you face to face. That's a great rule. Um, one
of our rules is the power hour that we will
have a meal together every day. You know, it doesn't
mean that if we're out of town, like. Oh, no,
what do we do? No. You know, just basically when
we're both in the same city and it allows it,
we always eat together. That's a rule that we have followed.

(07:29):
And so for 26 years we've spent, you know, probably
a good half an hour to an hour every single
day eating together, talking together. And that rule keeps us connected.
So it's not like, oh, so many days have gone
by and you feel like you've drifted apart. And obviously
the big rule is, hey, we're going to stay married.
God designed this for life. So I'm going to act

(07:50):
in a way that will make you want to stay
married to me. I'm going to play by that rule.

S2 (07:57):
It's a good way to start it, and I appreciate
you sharing that again. We've got four of these decisions
we're going to talk about. We'll get to all of
them today. We'll also get to your calls coming up
in just a little bit. I want to ask you
about this. Uh, you mentioned it as we started this
challenge that Christians have, that they see their marriage as

(08:19):
something that should be godly, should be something that is, um,
maybe not easy, but at least not so challenging. And yet,
it seems we we often face those challenges in our
daily lives, or something comes up in our life that
affects us, that we say, boy, I just don't know

(08:39):
how we're going to get through this. You, uh, you know,
so many couples end up in divorce because of money. There's, uh,
health issues that come up that can lead to things
like that. There's issues with kids that can lead to
these things. And you mentioned this play by the rules.
One of the key rules I know in my family
has been from the beginning, no divorce. That was like
a rule to start from the very beginning. And yet

(09:01):
I'm guessing today, Arlene, there are men and women listening
who had that same rule in their marriage. No divorce,
and yet they find themselves now single. How do you
process that? How do you begin to rebound from that
after a rule like that, such a big rule is broken?

S3 (09:22):
Sure. And let's let's embrace. Let's hug. You know, if
you're listening to this and you're like, oh, I listened
on the wrong day because I am divorced, I am single,
I am whatever. To know that from this is not
meant at all to be a condemnation or anything like that.
It is meant to help us believe, okay, God created marriage.
How can I do this better next time? How can

(09:45):
I be if there is a next time? You know,
how can I be in a good marriage now? And
you know, one of those things is we'll think, oh,
we're Christians, so it'll all take care of itself. But
then we're not realizing, no, we're still human beings. And,
you know, one of those rules was also that marriage
will continue to be the key relationship in the family,
even when kids come into play, right? Because once you

(10:06):
get the kids, you got the minivan. And it used
to be you and your spouse. You know, me and
my husband, we're like the center of the universe. And
then all of a sudden you have these kids and
the spouse goes way in the back seat, way in
the trunk. And if you're not careful, they stay back
there for 18 years. And then it's like, wait, what happened?
So it's really important. You know, complex problems don't always

(10:28):
require complex solutions. And so the solution may just be like,
you know what? We've listened to this radio show today
and we're going to date again. Like it could be
that simple. We will go on one date a month.
They show the research shows that 52% of us married
people never date, or we only date a few times
a year, and 48% of us date once a month

(10:51):
and maybe twice a month. So if you can join
that 48%, you will enjoy this like 15% boost in
overall satisfaction. Not likely to divorce, better sex life, better communication,
all these things. And that's just by simply saying, you
know what? Our marriage is important. We are running all
over creation with our kids, or we're volunteering, or our

(11:13):
work is taking over or whatever it is, but we
need to prioritize and do that date night. And so
and believe me, this is not like my strong suit.
My husband and I, we both work from home. We
both work for ourselves, and so we see each other
a lot so the date night can get thrown out
the window. So we have started actually dancing. Ballroom dancing.
And it is it has been very humorous. Believe me.

(11:35):
The first time we did it two years ago, it
was like a big sign was over our heads, like
we do not know what we're doing, please come help us.
And we had all these older people trying to help
us to swing or to foxtrot or whatever. It was hilarious.
So it's been a very humbling endeavor, but it's been
a lot of fun. So find something that you can
do together. That's the first step, you know, to help

(11:55):
you start connecting again.

S2 (11:58):
Yeah. More about making marriage easier when we come back
in just a moment, our guest is Arlene Pelikan. The book,
Making Marriage Easier How to Love and Like Your Spouse
for life. We're going to open up the phone lines
at 87754836758775483675. We've talked about decision number one playing by

(12:20):
the rules. Maybe you have some rules you play by
you'd like to share. We're also going to look at
decision number two three and four in the coming moments.
We'd love to hear your stories about your marriage as well.
Maybe something will sound familiar. Maybe you have a great
tip to share if you've been married many, many years.
We'd love to hear that as well. [phone]. We'll be

(12:43):
back with more equipped with Chris Brooks coming up in
just a moment. Stay with us.

S1 (12:58):
Are you worn out by life's challenges? Do you struggle
to see God's goodness in your suffering? Still Standing By
Lina Abujamra is a powerful resource that will renew your
hope and encourage you through the hardest seasons and discover
rewards you never dreamed of. Request your copy of Still Standing.
When you donate to equip, call 888644 4144 or visit

(13:23):
Equip Radio org.

S2 (13:33):
Welcome back to equipped with Chris Brooks. I'm Colin Lambert
sitting in for Chris today. And you know, I can't
do what I do without the help of those behind
the microphone. Thanks to Ryan at the helm, all things technical.
Deb is producing today. Rihanna is answering your phone calls.
And my thanks to the folks at The Bridge in Austin,
Texas for making their studios available to us today. We're

(13:56):
talking about making marriage easier. How to love and like
your spouse. Our guest is Arlene Pelikan, and just before
the break, we touched a little bit on the topic
of kids. But before we move on from that, Arlene,
I want to come back to kids, it seems. I
would say over the last decade or two, that kids
and their activities have often monopolized the time of a marriage.

(14:20):
And you mentioned, uh, regular dates. I think that's obviously
one thing that can help with that. Any other thoughts
about putting kids in the right place, in the right perspective,
in a marriage?

S3 (14:32):
So many thoughts, Colin. So many thoughts. So, you know,
I have three children. One, Ethan is now a college graduate,
Noel is in college and Lucy is in high school.
And of course, during the growing up years, it's like, wow,
you could just be going everywhere, right? But my husband, James,
he is very, very thought. He is very funny because

(14:52):
he is a leader and he's kind of figured things
out before they become problems. And so he can see like, oh,
if we're going to send all these kids to all
these different activities, we're going to be way like spread
way too thin. So it was very much like, okay, everyone,
everyone is playing the piano, everyone is playing martial arts,
and that's it. End of conversation. So he really simplified

(15:15):
the activities in our lives where we only had to
go to one place. And not only did he do that,
he came home saying, hey, I found a dojo for
the martial arts, which we did while they were in
elementary school, where they will take the three kids and
then we as parents could go for free. So this
was that. The five of us went and made these
crazy memories, and we were the only parents, the tallest

(15:37):
students in the class. But it is this idea of, hey,
if we're going to do these kids activities, we're going
to also use them to bond our family. Like, that's
kind of a a way we know. Is this working? Like,
is this making our family stronger or is it not.
And so it really is a good question when before
you take a new activity, that you come to the

(15:57):
table and you say, hey, how is this going to
impact the marriage? I think we never we very rarely
do that. We kind of figure we'll just bite the
bullet and make this work. But to ask, like, are
we going to be so tired and so spent that
we have very little for each other? And honestly, my
husband has been much more the guardrails of this, of
being the leader, because I would be much more prone

(16:18):
to say, let's just do it all, like, let's figure
it out and do it all. And he's the one
to put the guardrail of, you know what? We can't
be all crazy like that. So tell them they can
pick one activity a year, you know, or whatever it is.
So my kids, they've done tennis, they've done speech, debate
like they've done things. But it always is in this
backdrop of, hey, is this working for the family and

(16:39):
for the marriage? Do my husband and I have enough
time for each other?

S2 (16:43):
Yeah. That's good. [phone] is our number. [phone]. Obviously, one
of the keys to a great marriage is communication. And
I know that you give some tips about becoming a
better listener. Uh, you know, those guys sitting around, the

(17:04):
wife is talking and he goes, huh? Huh? Yeah. What?
You know, and, uh, that can be a problem. So
I know at least guys right now get your get
your pen and pencil handy or your iPhone. Get ready
to make some notes. Uh, what are some things we
need to think about when it comes to communication, to
listening better?

S3 (17:24):
Yeah, a lot of times we'll think, let me be
a better talker. But if you could be a better listener,
a better responder, think of it as a tennis match
that let's say it's the wife that is talking and
the husband's listening. So if the wife serves you the ball,
she serves you the conversation if you do nothing. Huh
huh huh. Are you talking to me like ball just
falls flat to the ground? It is not hit back

(17:46):
and the game is over and the wife leaves and
she's like, ah, you never listen to me. So all
you got to do is pick up that racket and
hit it back. Tell me more. Right. Those little words.
Tell me more. And then use all the powers you
can to actually listen to this woman. And if you think,
why in the world are you talking about all these
things that make no sense to me? Just hang in there.

(18:06):
It's just your act of listening that is going to
mean a lot to your spouse. But I've always thought, Colin,
that I was a very good listener. But I realized about,
you know, my husband and I have been married 26 years.
I realized, I don't know, maybe two years ago, like, wow,
I'm really not a good listener because what I am
and see if you are like this audience, if you're
if you can relate to this, I'm an assumptive listener,

(18:28):
so I assume I know what my husband is going
to say. And I finish his sentences and I cut
in and he'll be like, would you like to try again?
Because that's not what I was going to say. And
it makes him feel like, you know, why? What's the
point of talking if all you're going to do is talk?
For me and we women, we are typically pretty good

(18:48):
at this. So just check. Am I being an assumptive
listener where I'm cutting in, you know, and then try
to be quiet? So I have been trying to be
more quiet and listening. Now, on the husband's side, men
tend to be more of the fixer listener where the
woman is talking, and then the husband is like, oh,
so easy. All you need to do is like, put

(19:08):
do this one, two, three, boom, done. And then the
wife is like, oh, you didn't understand me. I'm so frustrated.
I didn't want you to fix it. I just wanted
you to commiserate and say, honey, that fight with your
girlfriend sounds so difficult. I'm so sorry you went through that.
That's all we want. So it could be as simple
as the person communicating. I don't want you to fix this.

(19:30):
I just want you to listen and commiserate with me.
And you know, that little prep can really help us.
And then, of course, there is the celebrity listener where
I'm just listening so I can shift it back to
me so it can be like all the spotlight can
come back to me. So watch that as well and say,
wait a minute, the halo is on the speaker. You

(19:51):
know my spouse, and this works with all of your relationships.
You know that I am listening. I'm not trying to
shift this back. I'm not trying to say my fish
was bigger than your fish. If if that you thought
that was bad. This was so much worse. You know,
I am really listening. And that goes a long way
in a marriage and even communicating to your spouse. You know,
I haven't been the best listener, and I want to

(20:12):
try to get better at that. Wow. Even if you
just say those two sentences, your spouse will be like, what?
Like what happened to you? I listened to equipped with
Chris Brooks and I, you know, they'll be like, you
should listen to that more often.

S2 (20:23):
It's good. It's really good. Uh, we're talking with Arlene Pelikan.
The topic is making marriage easier. And your book, again,
is broken up into four key decisions that you need
to consider making in your marriage. Number one was play
by the rules. How about number two?

S3 (20:40):
Number two is give thanks every day. You know, when
you got married. I know I was waiting for my husband.
Just dreaming of a man like in college. That you'll
drop the books and he'll pick them up, and it'll
be love at first sight. Like, you know, I'm dreaming
of this moment. So finally, when I do finally get married,
I am, like, extremely thankful. So how do we carry

(21:01):
that Thanksgiving throughout our lives? Because we know Scripture tells
us over and over, give thanks to the Lord, for
he is good. It's a way of life that he
wants for us. If we're wondering what is his will, oh,
it's to pray, rejoice, give thanks. So this is a
rule in marriage as well. So that decision of I
am going to keep giving thanks for my husband, for
my wife, even when they don't act in a way

(21:23):
that makes me feel particularly thankful. So it could be
very much asking God, God, open my eyes. Show me
how to be grateful for my spouse today.

S2 (21:34):
Yeah. Uh, phone lines are open. 87754836758775483675. Maybe you have
some rules for your marriage that would be good to share.
Maybe you're picking up on something that Arlene's talking about
and would love to share some of your story. We'd
love to hear from you. [phone]. I want to kind

(21:56):
of look at the flip side of that giving thanks, Arlene,
because really it's it's it's something the Bible refers to
as grumbling, I think. Or complaining. Why is that such
a danger in marriage?

S3 (22:08):
And isn't it so much easier to be like, well,
this is wrong, and this is wrong. That's so much
easier than, oh, this is right, this is right. I mean,
you know, if you have a clean shirt. Elisabeth Elliot
would say, if you have a clean shirt, white shirt
and one tiny spot, you know, 99% of the shirt
is clean. But that one spot everyone's going to look
at and it's the same. We find what to complain about.
And the children of Israel, when they got in a

(22:30):
lot of trouble and were not allowed to go in
the Promised Land, it wasn't because of their idolatry or adultery,
it was because they said, you have a grumbling spirit,
and all these things you've grumbled about, your food isn't
good enough. This cloud by day, this fire by night,
this miracle you've done. It's not good enough, I want more.
When they grumbled, that was the sin that kept them

(22:52):
out of the Promised Land. And it's a sobering thought
for us to not say. You gave me this spouse.
You know, you're the one who brought him. And I
don't like him. I don't like her anymore. Why did
you put me in such a bad spot? When we
can change that grumbling and say, Lord, like, search me,
know me, change me. And it could be as simple
as you know. I'm going to keep a note of

(23:14):
one thing I appreciate about my spouse today. Like, even
if it's just he got out of bed or whatever.
Like it can be really basic, but you're just writing
it down. And guess what? When you start looking for
the ways of being thankful and if you can't find anything,
you can just at least be thankful. God, you're with
me in this mess. You are with me. Just keep

(23:34):
concentrating on what you're thankful for and and that will
be so good. I remember when I got my first
book contract. All I asked for was James, go to
the grocery store and let's buy two gallons of ice cream.
I mean, wow, let's just whoop it up, you know?
And I said, just make sure one of them is chocolate.
And he's like, okay, so he takes our three year old,
five year old, goes to the grocery store, comes back.

(23:56):
Cookies and cream. Okay. That has a little bit of
chocolate in it, but it's not really chocolate. And then
the second one was like caramel Pecan crunch. And I'm like, wait,
I don't understand. This is a celebration for me. I
got this book contract. I just asked for two gallons
of ice cream after dinner. Like, not really a big deal.
I was pregnant and I asked for chocolate and there

(24:18):
was no chocolate. So I'm eating and I'm so mad. Collin. Like,
it's like steam is coming out of my ears. Like
I'm just like, how could you mess this up? Like,
I'm just so mad. And my son Ethan, he's five.
He goes, mommy, you say we should always be grateful
for what we are served, but you don't look very
grateful at all, you know? And it's so funny, like
how our kids, I think that's a function of parenting

(24:39):
is to, like, hold you accountable. And I was like,
you're right, Ethan, I am mad that this is not chocolate,
but I will turn this into you know what? I'm
still thankful that I have a book contract, and I'm
still thankful that I'm eating this ice cream, you know?
So we need these shifts sometime. And so I do
hope the book Making Marriage Easier will help you nudge
you into that thankful way, because none of us like

(25:02):
being with complainers, right? That's a whole lot of fun
being with someone who complains all the time.

S2 (25:06):
Yeah, we're talking with Arlene Pelikan. The book is Making
Marriage Easier How to Love and Like Your Spouse for life.
And when we come back in just a moment, we're
going to touch on social media. That's something to be
thinking about. We're going to talk about intimacy. How does
that come into play? And we've got a couple of
more of those decisions that the book talks about that

(25:27):
we're going to cover as well. Maybe you have a
story to share about your own marriage, some great decisions
that you've made as a couple, or maybe some challenges
you're facing even right now. [phone] 675 is the number. [phone]. Also,
you can find out everything you want to learn about

(25:48):
Arlene and her books at our website, Radio.com. That's equipped
Radio.com or on Facebook at radio [phone]. Back with more
with Arlene and your calls coming up in just a
moment on equipped with Chris Brooks. Stay with us. Well,

(26:19):
I find it true that the Christian life is often
marked with great suffering. We live in a fallen and
broken world, full of disappointments and the loss many times
of our dreams. And there's a cost to following Christ
as well. In her book, Still Standing, Doctor Lina Abujamra
shares how God's refining process, though painful, All makes him

(26:40):
bigger in our hearts and transforms us into people who
are like him. She shows us how our pain can
lead to despair and bitterness, or it can make us
more like Jesus. If you're facing trials and are willing
to see them transform your life. We'd love for you
to request a copy of Still Standing with Any Size

(27:00):
gift to equip this month. You can call 8644 4144.
That's 8644 4144 or give online at equipped radio.org. We're
talking about marriage today. Making marriage easier. How to love
and like your spouse for life. Our guest is Arlene Pelikan.

(27:22):
That's the title of her book. And we're talking through
some of the challenges to marriage and how to make
it easier. Not easy, but easier. There's always that level
that we have to get through. There's always going to
be some challenges. Phone lines are open at eight, seven, 87754836758775483675.

(27:46):
Let's go to the phones. Alfred, you're in Florida. Thank
you so much for calling. Today. Your question or comment?

S4 (27:53):
Yes. Good afternoon sir. Um, I'm calling because, uh, my
wife has walked out of the marriage for more than
a month now, and, um, she's not communicating with me
by phone or answering the phone or text, and, um,
I'm I'm in a state of desperation. I'm. I'm losing myself,

(28:14):
and I'm losing my hope and my health, and, um,
I don't know what else to do.

S2 (28:22):
Um.

S4 (28:23):
I'm feeling desperate. I'm feeling like this is the last
of me.

S2 (28:28):
Yeah. Arlene.

S4 (28:30):
I need help.

S3 (28:32):
Oh, Alfred, we're so sorry to hear about that. It shows,
you know, our marriages are so important. Were are you
and your wife living in the same city?

S4 (28:42):
Yeah, we were living in the same city. In the
same house? Yes.

S3 (28:45):
Is there a way that you can visit your wife
in person now to talk with her?

S4 (28:51):
Um, she she don't want to talk to me. Um. Uh,
she don't want to see me. I don't know what, um,
going on with her. Uh, she take advice from her
family and her friends, and, um, I don't want she
don't want to see me. So she said she was
going to call the cops on me for nothing. I
took her from Jamaica and married her, took her from Jamaica,

(29:12):
gave her a green card, and then gave her a citizenship.
After she get citizenship, she walk out and leave me
for nothing. And, um, I I'm, I'm, I'm at my
last right now. Um, I, I don't know what else
to do. Uh.

S3 (29:26):
Um.

S4 (29:27):
I'm not thinking of just giving her the divorce and
just get it over with, and that's it.

S3 (29:32):
We are very sorry. I think the the scope of
of what you're facing now. Such a big thing, right?
We are not going to be able to solve this
in a few seconds on the radio, but we pray,
God that he would give you wisdom to know what
to do. That God would soften your wife's heart. That
she would maybe if she came into your marriage with

(29:55):
a different intention. Right. Just to to come here. We
we pray that she would change her mind and she
would talk to you again. And we're very sorry for
what you're going through.

S2 (30:05):
Alfred, thanks for your call. And I just want to
encourage you. We're going to send you a copy of
Arlene's book, if you'll hold the line. We'll send this
to you. And also, uh, if you have a church
community or can reach out to a church community, uh,
I know that there would be some people who would
love to help with, uh, marriage issues. Uh, that is
so important. And, uh, just encourage you to find some

(30:28):
believers around you who would, uh, speak into your life and,
and help you through this process. And I do want
to follow up in prayer. Alfred, uh, just, uh, pray
with us as well. Father, we we pray that Alfred will, um,
see this change happen in his wife. Uh, that that

(30:48):
there will be people come around Alfred, and, uh, gather
around him and support him. Father, I pray that you, uh,
show your strength and your caring and your compassion and
your presence in his life today. Allow him to experience
that and open doors. Maybe that he's not even thinking

(31:08):
about today to, uh, try to make this a better situation. Uh,
one that would be honoring ultimately to you. You have
the opportunity to mold and shape anybody's heart. And I
just pray that her heart would be open to you,
and Alfred's heart would be open to you, and that
there might be opportunities for reconciliation in this. We prayed

(31:29):
in Jesus name. Amen. 87754836758775483675. Just before we go back
to the phones. Uh, we mentioned uh, a little bit earlier,
social media. I can't think of anything that has probably
impacted marriages as much in, say, the last, uh, 15, ten,

(31:51):
15 years maybe as social media in so many ways.
Would you talk about that for a moment and maybe
how couples should be handling social media?

S3 (32:02):
So you think of it time. How much time are
you giving to social media? YouTube, Instagram, etcetera. And you know,
the average adult, it's 2.5 hours a day. So you
can imagine the marriage revolution that would happen if we
did fun things with our spouse side by side for
2.5 hours a day. We'd probably be pretty close in
liking each other a lot. But in so time wise,

(32:24):
it's a huge hit for the family, for the marriage,
and then content. Think of what you are. You know,
there's no secret that the technology is there to keep
you on as long as possible, to be as addictive
as possible to prey on our vulnerabilities. This is not
a secret anymore. And so for us to realize, wait
a minute, this social media is trying to get me

(32:45):
more agitated, more angry, more jealous, more consumer so I
can buy this product so I can be engaged more.
And so to realize, wait a minute, not only is
it taking my time, it's shifting me slowly into perhaps
becoming a person that I do not necessarily want to become. Right.
So now you look at your spouse and you're like,
you didn't take me on vacation like this person. You

(33:07):
don't look like you used to 20 years ago. You know,
you don't even do anything for me. I'm entitled to
a better spouse. And we got these ideas from spending
time on social media. And, you know, it used to
be if you looked at a magazine or a TV show,
you knew, like, oh, that's fake, like a, you know,
a crew came in and cleaned up that house and
put on that lady's makeup and did all that. But

(33:28):
we look at social media and we think, oh, that's
how it is. But it's also fake. And, you know,
in this age of AI, it may really be fake
and not real at all. So for us to realize
we can't compare that. So when you go out to
dinner and you have your phone out, just picture your
phone as a third person. Like what is the third
person doing with you guys sitting at the table and
put the third person away and talk to your spouse?

S2 (33:51):
That's good. [phone] is our number. Let's go back to
the phones. Abby, you're in Saint Petersburg, Florida. Thanks for
calling today. Your question or comment for Arlene.

S5 (34:03):
Hey, guys. My comment was my advice had always been
to don't quit on the same day. And then at
my at my church this past year, I talked to
a couple who had been married 60 years, and I said, okay,
this is what I say, but how about something? What
what would you suggest? What do you say when people

(34:24):
ask you? And they said, put Jesus first every day. Today.
Make sure you laugh a lot. And then I add
my third little piece and that's to don't quit on
the same day.

S3 (34:36):
So I love that. That's so good Abby. It research
will show like if you will stick with it. Like
if you're in your hard part in your marriage, but
you stick with it a year, two years later, it
always resolves and then you're stronger than ever. So don't
quit on the same day. I love that. And and
that advice you got from the couple being married, that's
decision number four in my book, which is to take

(34:57):
fun seriously, that you have to keep having fun together,
that it is actually a very important thing.

S2 (35:03):
I love it, Abby, thank you so much. If you
hold the line, we want to get you a copy
of this book and it might be something you'd love
to look at or something you can pass along to.
Somebody you know needs a little help with their marriage.
Just hold on. We'd love to hear from you. I mean,
get that to you here in just a few minutes. Uh,
let's go to the phones. Continue on. Mark in Florida.
Thank you for calling today. Your question or comment for Arlene.

S6 (35:28):
Um, I comment, uh, pretty simple. Um, this is my
second marriage. My wife's second or third. I'm not sure
which one. Anyway, uh, we both had relationships in the past. Um,
my spouse was, uh, she committed adultery. So did my ex-wife. Um,
when we got married or when we started dating each other.

(35:51):
The first we had a go no go list. And
the first thing on that no go, no go list
was you have to be a Christian and you have
to be dedicated to Christ. We both were. We're good
to go. The second one was hers. We're not having
sex until we get married. And I was just like, well,

(36:11):
all right, you know, that's that's that's good for me
as well. And we've been married. It'll be 13 years
the end of August. We've had a great marriage. Uh,
it's not perfect by any means, but we always keep
Christ first and we pray. When we have problems, we
pray with each other and God has just blessed us

(36:33):
beyond anything we could ever dream of.

S3 (36:37):
That's beautiful.

S2 (36:39):
I love it. Mark, thank you for sharing. If you
hold the line, we'd love to get a copy of
this book in your hands. Maybe make marriage even easier
than it is right now, or some resource you can
pass along to a friend or family member or someone
maybe that's facing a struggle right now. [phone] is our number. [phone].

(37:00):
We're going to come back in just a moment. We
mentioned decision number four. We're also going to touch on
decision number three. And I've got a story I think
you're going to like that. Arlene's going to share crazy
items her husband put on their wedding registry. You know
people have different things they want. And oftentimes there's some

(37:21):
hilarity in that. We're going to learn about that coming
up in just a moment. Making marriages easier. How to
love and like your spouse for life. [phone]. Our number [phone].
You can find out everything you need to know about
Arlene and her books at Radio.com. More of equipped with

(37:43):
Chris Brooks coming up in just a moment. Stay with us.

S1 (38:00):
In today's rapidly changing culture, Christians need solid biblical guidance
more than ever. That's our mission here at Equip to
provide biblical wisdom for life's toughest questions. When you step
in as an equipper, you're not just giving your monthly
support helps to offer clarity and hope to a confused
and anxious culture, and you'll get exclusive resources and updates

(38:22):
from us all year long. Join our team of monthly
supporters today. Call 888644 4144 or visit equip radio.org.

S2 (38:41):
Welcome back to equipped with Chris Brooks I'm Colin Lambert
sitting in for Chris today. Our guest is speaker and
author Arlene Pelikan. We're talking about her book Making Marriage
Easier How to Love and Like Your Spouse for life.
We'll get back to your calls in just a moment. Arlene.
One of the biggest challenges I know, especially early in
a marriage, is what we might refer to as expectations.

(39:03):
Husband and wife coming into a marriage with different expectations.
You tell kind of a funny story about that related
to your wedding registry.

S3 (39:12):
Yeah, it was a very good example of very different expectations.
We were my husband and I were living in different
cities when we were engaged because of our jobs. And
so I told him, you just go to, you know,
the supercenter and go ahead and just scan whatever you
want for our wedding registry. The next day, I walked
into that place, printed out the papers, and I was like, wait,

(39:33):
I don't understand. It had like a tent, two person tent,
and a camping stove and a lantern. And I'm like,
why are these things on my registry? But then I
kept reading and it was things like Tylenol and Advil
and Tums and Anti-diarrheal, and I'm kind of getting sweaty, like,
what is this? And then there was like stuff like
Ant Roach killer wasp killer. So now I'm like, wait,

(39:57):
what is happening? And then I thought, oh, that's funny.
It's a practical joke, right? So we didn't have any
cell phones then. So I go home, I get on
my phone, I say, oh, that's so funny. You put
those items on our registry as a joke. And it's like,
totally quiet. Colin. And he's like, no, you told me
to put on there whatever I wanted, and I don't want,

(40:18):
like a candy dish or like a candle, you know.
He was living in, in Dallas. It was buggy and
all these things. And he's like, this is what I
really need in my house. So these are the things
I want. And I'm like, wait, we cannot have people
come and wrap up Antidiarrheal pills and bring them to
our wedding. Like we just cannot do it. So there
were expectations. Clash of the expectations.

S2 (40:39):
Dishes. We need dishes and.

S3 (40:41):
Pots.

S2 (40:41):
And pans. That's right. Yeah. You know, it's interesting because
I think these days you probably find more manly gifts,
if you will, on registries now, maybe than you did
than you did before.

S3 (40:52):
I think no medicine pack. I think that's still a
good rule.

S2 (40:56):
Skip on that one. Yeah. Let's go back to the phones. Cindy,
you're in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. Thank you for your call.
Your question or comment, please.

S7 (41:06):
Um, I was commenting like I was saying to the
person I speak to previously, I just pull up into
the parking lot here, and I heard Alfred's story, and
I start praying for Alfred because that's what I do.
You know, I'm a Christian. We pray for people. But.
But like Alfred, I'm married to. I'm from Trinidad, so

(41:28):
I am married to an American. But my, you know,
I have a, like, stable marriage, but. Yeah, but but
but but recently, um, since I became a Christian, okay?
My whole marriage, I find that it has changed. It
has changed because. Because of me, you know, being a Christian,
it has changed. And then my husband, being an ex-Marine,

(41:49):
starts drinking cocktail time. And, um, when that drinking starts,
it's very it's very abusive. It's very, you know, he's like,
I don't want to hear about your God. I said,
that's fine, but my job is to go and tell,
but I'm not going to force it on you. You
know I'm not going to do that. How do you

(42:11):
think you come into this world? You know who created you?
So beautiful. Someone did. You know, it's not just a thing.
I believe in something out there. And they say, well,
that's something is Jesus. You know, he created you, but
I don't put my beliefs anymore on him. You know,
I just pray and say, God, you're in control. But

(42:31):
but it's it's very abusive. So I myself, like, I
have feelings even though I will lock myself in my
prayer closet, you know, but it's just it's very abusive.
So I was just calling to ask to pray, you know,
even though I can't. But.

S3 (42:49):
Yeah, we are so sorry that you are going through that.
That is a a terrible thing and something maybe that
the people in your church can pray with you, and
you can have someone that is in constant contact with
you to make sure that you are okay.

S2 (43:05):
Yeah. Cindy. Uh, I want you to hold on. We
want to get your information. We'll send you this book.
But more importantly, uh, if you're in physical danger, please
don't stay in your home. Please find some help with, again,
your local church or somebody that is an authority that
can help if you're in physical danger. Uh, and especially

(43:27):
if there's any kids involved. Uh, and we also want
to pray for your husband's faith, because that's what's going
to change his life if he's not where he needs
to be at the moment. What's going to change his
life is him finding Jesus as you have. Uh, Arlene,
would you pray for Cindy and and we'll get her
on hold and get this book to her.

S3 (43:47):
Lord, we thank you for Cindy, for her courage to
call us today. We pray God you would do a
miracle in her home. We pray you would give her
just a heart of love for all those around her,
that she would be able to show your love. And
we also pray you would give her wisdom that whenever
she needs to have a boundary, whenever she needs to
remove herself from her husband, uh, help her to find

(44:09):
a way to do that. And we pray for her husband, Lord,
that he would repent, that he would change, that he
would realize that this is not who I am, that
I should not be acting this way and bring an
older man in his life to mentor him, to tell him, like,
you can't treat your wife this way. Show him, Lord,
what he can become. And we pray, Lord, that he

(44:32):
would be changed. Change him by the power of the
Holy Spirit. And we pray your blessing and your help
to this family. Help Cindy. Today, in Jesus name, Amen.

S2 (44:41):
Amen. Amen. Well, we've talked about three of the four decisions.
Play by the rules. Give thanks every day. Take fun seriously.
And we've just got about a minute left. But give
me your thoughts on decision number three, serving your spouse.

S3 (44:54):
Yeah, it kind of, believe it or not, goes with
what what Cindy has been talking about. And it is
being the kind of person who serves. But you also
have to obviously have the common sense of this is
not talking about you getting stepped all over or abused.
That's not what serve your spouse talks about. What it
means is instead of coming into the marriage like, hey,

(45:15):
what are you going to do for me? You come
into the marriage like, hey, is there something I can
do for you today? So Jesus came to serve. That's
his model. And for us to go, it might be
as small as, like, I'm going to pour you a
glass of water, you know, and it's just the idea
that I'm still looking out for you. Or it might be.
I'll go to your office party, even though I don't
want to go to your office party. But it's. I'll
serve my spouse. So what can I do for you?

(45:38):
Instead of, well, what have you done for me lately?
So shift that question and your marriage will get significantly better.

S2 (45:45):
That's great. A reminder in this book making marriage easier
for key decisions that we've talked about. Also, each chapter
ends with life lessons, questions to ponder with your spouse
or in a Bible study group, and even prayers to
strengthen and encourage. You can find out all about it
on our website at Radio.com. Arlene, great to have you

(46:07):
back with us today. Always a treat, and thank you
for sharing about how making marriages is easier is actually possible.

S3 (46:15):
Let's do this thing. Marriage can be easier. Thanks so much, Colin.

S2 (46:19):
All right. Again, making marriage easier. Go to equipped Radio.com.
You can learn all about Arlene and learn more about
this book. And I want to tell you, it's a short,
cool book that I think would be helpful for a
lot of people. Might even keep it as something you
could hand out to folks who are going through some struggles.
Check it out. Equipped Radio.com. I'm so grateful for your

(46:41):
time today. Hope that something you've heard today might make
your marriage easier. Want to encourage you to tune in
tomorrow for equipped with Chris Brooks. Always a lot of
great information and help and hope from God's Word. That's
what we hope to bring you each and every day.
Equipped with Chris Brooks is a production of Moody Radio,
a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.