December 12, 2024 • 58 mins
TRIGGER WARNING- this episode speaks of sexual abuse
This episode is a little different than my others- I talk about my story and how I began to do medium work and eventually start having visions. I began to work with an ancestor of mine who practiced "dark magic" through writing and meditation.
This episode was hard for me to share- because I have never shared it publicly. But I recognized that I would have loved to hear someone talk about these things when I was young.
I hope that humanity can work together to heal and end the cycle of abuse and sexual violence.
If you would ever like to share your story
email in- estoericaandnonsense@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:34):
Hello and welcome to Esoterica and Nonsense, a podcast where we
discuss myths, legends, folk tales, fairy tales, supernatural
phenomenon and religions from around the world.
I am your host, Annabelle, and today I am going to share a
(00:59):
slightly irregular episode of the podcast.
I am going to talk a little bit about my experience as a human
being and the wild twists and turns that my life has taken
that has led me to be able to beable to do Akashic readings,
(01:21):
past life readings and, I don't know, energetic work.
I should say. Sometimes this is hard for me to
talk about because I almost sometimes judge myself as I'm
speaking and it can I Sometimes it just sounds so unbelievable
(01:44):
and so wild. But these developments in my
life have happened naturally through experiences, and I've
shared my story with a lot of friends and a lot of clients,
and I've been asked to share my experience on my podcast.
(02:07):
And so yeah, I'm feeling really nervous, but I think it's
important to share and I just want to be really open before I
start that I am going to talk about some pretty dark things.
So this is a trigger warning. I will be addressing sexual
(02:29):
assault and domestic violence and some some pretty hard topics
that come out come up throughoutmy story.
So I just really want to be clear before I start in case in
case this is too much for you totake on.
But let us let us begin. So basically in the recent past
(03:00):
year, in the year 2024, I've started getting really back into
a meditation practice and meditating every day.
And through that, I've been ableto do medium work.
I've been able to speak with people who have passed away.
I've been able to speak with some of my family members, my
(03:21):
friends family members. I've been contacted by some
ghosts, but I really just want to tell you my story because it
wasn't always like this and it'sbeen a really long road.
So a little bit about me. My name is Annabelle.
(03:42):
I'm from the Bay Area and when Iwas little, I, I was raised by a
family that was by no means religious, but my family was I,
I think they thought of themselves as open minded and
(04:03):
we're interested in the arts. So I was, I was raised in a
setting where I didn't subscribeto any religion, but I did feel
that a lot of religions resonated with me in some of
their ideals, mostly about kindness, charity, showing
kindness to everyone. I understood these ideals as
(04:25):
ancient philosophies, but I was always fascinated with folk
tales and fairy tales and lore, and I was obsessed with fairies.
And I had a feeling as a young child that I was an alien,
mostly because I didn't feel like I belonged in my family,
and I felt really different fromthem, and I felt as if they
(04:47):
didn't understand me. So basically when I was a young
child my mother struggled with alcohol use but when I was young
I didn't really notice that. And now that I'm older I do know
(05:09):
that she was drinking. But there was times when I was
around my mother that even during the day I noticed very
odd behaviour in her. And specifically I noticed that
my mother would get very angry very easily and sometimes
violent and I would often avoid her.
But my brother got a big portionof this abuse, and it was mostly
(05:36):
like just kind of like losing her temper over nothing.
But even as a young child, I remember being so confused
because it was like her personality changed.
Like her eyes would change, her body language would change.
And she was a really scary person when she was angry.
(05:57):
And sometimes I would talk with her about this when she would
calm down and it was like she couldn't remember.
And I, I, I used to think that she was lying.
Actually, I thought that she liked couldn't like sit with the
truth and so she would, I thought she was lying.
(06:19):
But essentially my brother was getting a big brunt of her
physical and verbal abuse. And my brother started taking a
lot of that out on me. So when I was around like 3,
give or take, my brother and I kind of like began this cat and
mouse dynamic. He was 18 months older than me.
(06:43):
And he, you know, sometimes I would instigate things I would
like steal a toy or something, but he would, you know, chase me
and often tie me up for hours and like, hide me in a closet.
He would, you know, whatever hitme and all these things.
(07:04):
But this started at a really young age.
And so I grew up being really used to this.
And so I got really quick. I started running faster.
I started trying to get more smart.
I almost like enjoyed antagonizing him.
So it became like what I expected from him as my brother.
But obviously, now that I'm older, looking back, a lot of
(07:27):
the behavior was alarming. Specifically, I don't, I guess,
games that he would play with mewhere he would suffocate me and
see how long I could go, you know, before I would literally
start having a panic attack or he would, you know, tie me up
for hours. And what's alarming for me now
(07:49):
as an adult was how much enjoyment he got out of it.
But when I was young, I just thought that this is what all
brothers do. And I think in a sense, I mean
people with siblings, like thereis a certain extent of like
harming each other. And, you know, I think there are
(08:13):
elements of obviously him experiencing abuse and turning
that on me. So I'm, I'm really just trying
to report on the facts. I I really don't want to
diagnose my brother or vilify him but one day when I was
around 5 years old give or take,my brother really pushed me past
(08:35):
my breaking point and I honestlydon't even remember what it was
but I just physically lost control and I became so angry
with him that it was like it waslike I was hit by lightning.
That's like the only way I can describe it.
I became so overwhelmed with anger that my body started
(08:55):
vibrating and I started trembling and I felt something
changed within me like it. It really felt like a dark veil
was pulled over my head and the world changed and again I was
like 5 years old so my brother was probably 6.
We were little ass kids but I remember as my energy changed he
(09:20):
looked me in the eye and ran away from me and I didn't even
touch him. I didn't say anything and once
he ran away my first thought actually was that I was like
drunk off this power. But then quickly afterwards I
realized that what had what had happened was not me.
(09:44):
It really felt like something entered my body and I knew
nothing really about. I had really not been educated
in things like demons or entity possessions or dark energies,
but I deep down always knew thatthere were forces of light and
forces of dark. And in that moment I made a
(10:04):
clear boundary that I wanted nothing to do with this.
I will. I did not want to take on this
energy. This energy was not allowed
inside of me. And I essentially, I think what
I said to myself was like, I, I do not want to be like my
brother and I do not want to be like my mom.
(10:24):
This is not it. And that day I remember thinking
to myself, like, I wonder if this is the energy that goes
inside of my mom and my brother because they're weird.
They were, they were so fucking weird.
(10:45):
I I, and it's hard to put into words.
I mean, I think most of us have maybe dealt with people like
this, but maybe not all of us have.
But it's really hard to, to explain the energy shifts that
happen within them. I think some people would call
this like multiple personality. And I guess, I guess you could
(11:10):
say that I personally don't, I, I wouldn't call it that, but I'm
not here to diagnose. OK, So as my childhood
continued, my brother started abusing me more and in different
(11:31):
ways. And eventually it resulted in my
brother molesting me over the course of around five years.
And it was a really, it was a really scary and difficult
experience because in some ways it was so terrifying and
(12:00):
isolating because I feared that if I told anyone that he would
hurt me more. And I also feared that if I told
someone that he would be imprisoned or get in so much
trouble, and that would also be blamed on me.
And I think it was also really hard because in some ways, not
(12:25):
not every instance, but in some instances, those were the
moments where he was the kindestto me.
But to be clear, not all of them, not every instance was
kind at all. And so during this period of my
life, understandably, I started dissociating.
(12:47):
And I was also navigating elementary school.
And in some of those years, I was navigating middle school.
And so I was living in a place where people did not believe in
spirits, people did not believe in entities.
(13:08):
And so those thoughts I had as achild where I had thought
perhaps there's something like deeper spiritually going on with
my family, those thoughts left me behind.
And I just found myself dissociating.
And I actually lived with a lot of guilt for a lot of years
because I felt that it was my fault.
(13:38):
And truthfully, like, this is sohard to talk about because this
was my brother and I had to go to school with him and everyone
at my school knew who he was andthey knew who I was.
And it was like, it was scary and it was embarrassing for me.
(14:00):
And I just spent years telling myself that if I was stronger or
more resilient, that I would have never allowed it to happen.
And yeah, I just, I really didn't know what to do.
(14:22):
And it was really, it was reallyhonestly like the most terrible,
the most terrible few years of my life.
And sadly, I know that I'm not alone and I know that a lot of
young children have dealt with similar, umm, experiences, some,
(14:45):
some much more horrifying than mine, and it just breaks my
heart. But OK, let's take a break for
one second. I'm going to burn a little bit
of Palo Santo because I just, I need a moment.
(15:08):
OK, so basically through middle school, my brother and I stopped
spending time together and I didn't really like being home.
And he neither did he. And so we didn't see each other
as much and we weren't spending very much time together at all.
(15:32):
And eventually we ended up goingto school away from home for a
different time. So there was a few years where
we barely saw each other. But eventually in high school,
we ended up going to the same school, and he was pursuing a
(15:53):
career and being a professional athlete.
And so through some turn of fate, my brother found a
personal trainer who had gotten quite a few men into
professional sports leagues. Like, I don't know the NFL and
the NBA, and I don't know if there's any others, but this
(16:17):
trainer was a really interestingcat.
And he was also a Buddhist, and he studied Buddhist philosophy
and Vedic philosophy. And when he started training my
brother, he told him very seriously that if he really
(16:39):
wanted to be a professional athlete, that he would have to
not drink a drop of alcohol, noteat any refined sugar, and that
he would have to start meditating.
So in this year in high school, my brother was not eating sugar,
(16:59):
He wasn't drinking, and he was doing Buddhist chants and Hindu
chants for a a few hours a night.
And it was like he was a different person.
It was like that he was like the, the, the kind version of my
(17:21):
brother that I knew like maybe 10% of the time.
And so for this short period, about 18 months in high school,
I really thought I, I felt, I felt a sense of relief because
my brother finally was like a friend.
(17:42):
And so I guess I told myself thestory that like young children
are just terrible, right? Like there's this phrase, boys
will be boys. And I was just so happy to have
a sibling like my sibling. And we were talking about deep
things about the universe and werespected each other and, and
(18:08):
felt a lot of compassion for each other that we had survived
our childhood, which was really not easy all the time.
And it was really sad. And so I felt like the the
weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders because
this person who had once been myabuser, I basically kind of like
(18:32):
let him off the hook in my mind because I just saw him as an
abused child who how had been abused and was taking out his
anger on me. And so I guess I had had told
myself and comforted myself thatthis is not who he was forever.
(18:57):
So obviously there are so many details, but to keep the story
moving promptly, my brother ended up getting a sport, a
sports related injury in high school which made it impossible
for him to continue pursuing sports for college and possibly
(19:23):
a professional career. And so pretty quickly after my
brother started drinking alcoholagain and pretty quickly I saw a
change in him. But we were older and so he
wasn't abusing me by any means, but a lot of his behaviours
(19:49):
changed a lot of his like personal hygiene, the the type
of people he was spending a lot of time with and the girls he
was dating. And the way that he was treating
girls was always very from my from my opinion, it felt a
(20:11):
little bit exploitative and. What's the word?
Like womanizing, I guess. But I, I was still adamantly
desperate to have this version of my sibling that I always
wanted, which was a sibling thatI could depend on.
(20:33):
And that was a friend. And so after high school, I
ended up like working with my brother and basically this was
when weed was still illegal in California.
And so he was brokering it around the West Coast and I was
growing weed. And through this time, I, I
(20:59):
watched his mental health plummet like so fast.
And for a few years, I was in total denial because I saw the
best in him and I and I needed it for my, for my own safety.
(21:20):
I needed him to be this like idealized version of himself
because I still hadn't really been able to process how
traumatizing my childhood was. And so if he could be this
version that was Buddhist and was kind and was contemplating
(21:43):
the philosophical nature of the universe, I, it was easier for
me to let let go of my childhood.
Whereas as he was almost reverting back to who he was,
which was someone who didn't really seem to care about life,
didn't care about human life or animal life and didn't really
care about women and, and seemedto show a lot of signs that he
(22:11):
only cared about himself. I, I was telling myself that it
was some kind of phase and and blah, blah, blah.
And eventually, of course, one night I ended up getting in a
fight with my brother and he washolding a glass of bourbon.
(22:31):
And I looked into his eyes and Irealized in that moment that his
eyes were clouded over. They were dark and and grey and
like almost like a someone with cataracts like they were, they
were his eyes were almost Milky.And I realized that he was
(22:51):
mentally ill. And so I realized I had to
leave. And so I did.
I left that night and I've neverseen him again.
And that was about 8 or nine years ago.
And that's kind of when my life really began because not long
(23:14):
after I left, I really started contemplating these feelings
that I had had as a child where I felt that my mother and my
brother had multiple personalities.
And it was like majority of the time there were these angry,
scary, violent people, but therewas like windows where the sun
(23:38):
would peek through the Do you hear the dogs barking?
They always bark. They always bark.
Oh, my goodness, they're agreeing with me.
So yeah, I when, when I stopped seeing my brother and I cut him
out of my life, that's when I really started contemplating
(24:01):
spirituality more. And just for some context,
actually, I the dogs come on, you watch.
There was a point in my life when I lived in a haunted house.
I feel like I'm jumping everywhere.
But when I was younger, my family ended up moving to quite
(24:25):
a few different houses and we did live in a house that was
definitely haunted and none of my family believed me.
But I would hear people walking through the house and there was
definitely something going on inthe attic.
I always felt a presence in the attic.
(24:45):
I would when I was in the attic,I would feel someone there with
me and it. And once I heard like like a
demonic breathing in the house. I, I was anyway I, I could.
This is like a whole other tangent, but my point is growing
up, I did have moments where I experienced spirits.
(25:07):
Come on dogs, come on Peppers, you guys stop barking for me.
Thank you. Yes.
And so now I'm in my early 20s, I'm living on my own.
And I had researched throughout high school, I had done
(25:29):
mushrooms a few times, and I hadgotten really into esoteric
books. And I was just consuming
information about esotericism, shamanism, ancient religions,
Hermeticism. I was learning about the
Quadrovian principle, I was learning about sacred geometry,
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and I was just really trying to consume everything I could in
high school, was reading a lot of like Jungian books.
And not long after I stopped talking to my brother, I
actually did see a psychic woman.
And she did tell me that there was like a dark spirit following
(26:13):
me and that it didn't, it wasn'tan entity possession, but it was
like a dark cloud that wanted topossess me.
And it like siphoned energy freefrom me when I slept.
And when she told me that, I immediately felt it resonate
because I, I feel the spirit. The spirit isn't my brother or
(26:37):
my mom. It's something not bigger than
them, but it's something that like I grew up with, it was in
my house and it lived within them, but I knew that it was
something bigger. And so I always like kept that
in the back of my mind. And as the years went on, I
always started, I started thinking more about it because
my mother's side of the family is a Viking descent there.
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My mama's majority like Swedish,Norwegian, and then she has some
Germanic and English blood as well.
And I started really kind of doing the math because the
Viking people, we're going on raids and they were raping women
(27:23):
and murdering people and stealing.
And from my point of view, like that's exactly what dark magic
is, right? It's like blood sacrifice,
hurting things for the sport of hurting things.
And like especially like sexual abuse in my mind is not only a
(27:46):
physical abuse, but it is a, an emotional and mental and a
spiritual abuse. It is like taking so much from a
person. And so for a person to do that,
obviously they have to be, they have to be sick, right?
And so for an entire culture or like an entire group of men from
(28:08):
like a, a Viking village to engage in these kinds of things,
like says a lot about their culture and, and their state of,
of health. So I just kind of started doing
the math and I had this intuition that perhaps one of my
ancestors had maybe done some kind of dark magic and had
(28:33):
created some kind of curse for our family.
And I know this sounds wild, butthis was just like an idea I had
years and years ago in my early 20s.
And at this point in my life, all I did when I would think
about it is just imagine like a magical aura around me, like a
magical force field protecting me.
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And I just wanted nothing to do with my family.
And throughout this period, I was having like really
interesting synchronicities happen to me.
I started having visions that did start coming true.
And a few times I actually did do medium work accidentally.
(29:19):
One of the times I I ended up moving to Guatemala for a short
period of time and in that time I was out on the street smoking
a spliff and this Canadian guy walked up to me and asked if he
could share it with me and as a good Stoner I always share.
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So I ended up smoking the spliffwith this stranger and he told
me the story of how he was namedand that he was his father chose
his name but his father died before he was born.
And so he was telling me the story of why his father chose
this name. And as he was telling me, I
(30:03):
started seeing a man in my mind.It was so bizarre.
It was almost like a Cheshire cat.
Like I saw this smile and he started talking to me in my
mind. And so then I started telling
this man what I was seeing, which was like a version of his
(30:24):
father, I guess, in the spirit world.
And I started telling him thingsthat his father was telling me.
And he started crying. It was, it was, it was wild.
And after we finished our spliff, he went on his way and I
never saw him again. And so things like this were
happening all throughout my 20s and so many, so many other
(30:46):
things were happening for me. But as I was getting older, it
became more and more obvious that of course my mother and my
brother are sick individuals andthey've struggled with addiction
and mental health issues. But I also personally became
certain that there was also a spiritual component to this that
(31:11):
in my opinion, seemed ancestral.I forgot to mention that my
mother's mother also had a really weird dark energy about
her and her father, who I never met, had an odd struggle with
addiction. And a lot of the men on that
(31:31):
side of the family seem to have very odd behaviours and
relationships to alcohol and seem to exhibit similar
behaviours where they like switch in and out of
personalities. And it's really not multiple,
it's really just two. It's kind of like a kind regular
(31:52):
human and then like a really scary person.
So eventually when I was I think27 or 28, I got my first Akashic
reading, and the first thing I asked her was about my brother
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and my mother. And specifically, I asked her if
there was some kind of entity, possession or curse on my
mother's side of the family and how I could heal it.
And that's what this woman told me was that I had an ancestor 7
(32:34):
generations back who did blood magic, who who purposefully
sacrificed a living being with the intention of summoning a
dark spirit. And he did this knowingly and
basically, for lack of a better term, sold his soul to the
(32:59):
devil. She was very clear with me that
there is like no such thing as like the devil.
But it the phrase is, is a is a thing for a reason.
Because there are spirits that are parasitic and want to use
the energy of humans for their benefit.
Mostly because humans are like never ending batteries.
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To be a human means that you have a soul, and to have a soul
means that you have an eternal battery.
And so there are some beings whodesire these batteries for
whatever purposes. There's a whole long list of
what they would use them for. But basically my ancestor,
according to this woman, my ancestor sold a piece of his
(33:45):
soul for power and has basicallybeen able to.
He's been unable to reincarnate and has become a parasite that
lives off of my family. And when she told me this I
actually started crying because I have spent so much of my life
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not sharing this with anyone because I didn't want people to
judge me or think I was making excuses for my family.
And I just want to be clear thatI don't think this is an excuse,
but this was something that I sensed within me, something that
I sensed in my core, that there was something very wrong with my
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family and specifically my mom'sside.
And it's an energy that is not common.
It is a very odd and bizarre energy that I just never felt
right about. So when this woman shared this
with me, I immediately felt relief.
And she also told me that basically, like my guides, my my
(34:54):
spirit guides, if you will, werewere really proud of me that I
had successfully protected myself for so long, but that I
should be really careful around that side of the family.
And of course, you know, I was kind of already on that page,
but it wasn't until a few years later, which was actually this
(35:18):
March, March 2024, one of my closest friends, Lori, bought me
a tarot reading from this incredible person in Mexico.
And the way that they read tarotis magical.
They they pull cards and they start channelling things.
(35:38):
So he pulled a few cards and immediately he told me that
there is a spirit that follows me everywhere and that it's a
man. And so he started asking me
like, did you have a childhood boyfriend who passed away?
And I said no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I know exactly who this spirit is.
It's my ancestor. And so this man continued to
(36:02):
give me this reading and he was telling me that this ancestor in
a way is in love with me and doesn't want me to have
romances. But he also told me that it was
that it was my, how do I say it?He basically told me that I had
(36:28):
to help him move on. And that had never occurred to
me. It had never occurred to me to
help this spirit, this, this dark being who is my ancestor,
to help him move on. And I actually thought that was
really funny because I had genuinely never, I had genuinely
(36:52):
never considered that. And now that I'm reflecting on
it, it is so funny because I really my dream in my life has
always been to be a compassionate person and I never
want to condemn or hate anyone. And I believe me have gone
through periods of my life whereI have hated people.
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I think my brother is a great example, but I don't I want to
in a in a perfect world, I wouldlove to see even the darkest of
entities like find peace and find healing.
And I believe that it is possible, maybe not in this
life, but I believe that into Infinity that every living
(37:38):
conscious being can find peace. So this is this is where it
starts getting really crazy. So at this point I'm living in
Mexico and I have some friends who live in the city with me who
(38:05):
I started chatting with and one of my friends since moving to
this region of Mexico started having really interesting
experiences astral projecting while he was asleep and while he
was asleep he was astral. He was astral projecting out of
his body and helping spirits move on.
(38:31):
And so he was telling me these stories and it was happening
without him trying. He would go to sleep and while
he was sleeping, he would leave his body, excuse me, and he
would end up going to other parts of the world or the spirit
world, and he would meet with people and help them move on
(38:54):
into other worlds. And so while he was telling me
this, I started feeling really inspired because I started
thinking back to moments in my life where I had experienced
spirits or been able to speak with ghosts or dead people
without trying. And I thought to myself, what if
I tried? I've never actually tried to do
(39:16):
it. So if I can do it without
trying, I'm sure I can do it with some some effort.
So at this point I had just started The Artist's Way, which
is a workbook. I highly recommend it to
everyone. It's a workbook to ignite your
creative self. And a big part of the Artist's
(39:39):
Way is waking up every morning and writing 3 pages in your
journal. So I started doing this and I
started writing to my ancestor directly and I started stating
intentions that I wanted for both of us.
One was for me to always be in control of myself and that no
(40:01):
one or nothing can take any piece of my energy.
But I also started making intentions for him.
And specifically, I started making intentions that my wish
for him was to reclaim his soul,to reclaim the pieces of himself
that he gave away. I told him that he had the
(40:23):
ability to do so. And I also told him that I I
wished for him to be free. I wished for him to move on and
let go and to forgive himself for all of the scary things that
he had done because I'm sure he's done so many scary things
that I don't know about. And so I did this for about 3 or
(40:48):
4 days where I wrote to him directly and on the 3rd or 4th
day I started getting visions. It was almost like he was
speaking to me but through visions and he showed me
memories. So I will share with you the
memories he shared with me. But I just want to be honest
that this is really really dark stuff and it's really fucked up.
(41:13):
So if you need to, I would recommend fast forwarding if if
if things like sexual assault isvery triggering for you.
So in a nutshell, the first thing that he showed me was a
vision of him. It looked, I mean I don't know,
(41:35):
I haven't been to Sweden or Norway, but it looked like
Sweden or Norway. There was a large grass, grassy
Meadow and small cabins surrounded by fjords.
And in this vision, I saw my ancestor who was maybe like 5 or
6 years old, and he was bent over his mother's leg and she
(42:02):
was punishing him and she was sodomizing him with an object.
I'm not sure what the object was.
I couldn't see that. And I honestly, I honestly was
mostly seeing this from my ancestors perspective.
So I would as I actually was looking at his, his face and the
(42:24):
scene, but I guess because he was showing it to me, like my
whole focus was in his experience and he was crying and
screaming. And immediately everything kind
of clicked to me because I realized that my ancestor was
(42:45):
actually just a really, really traumatized child who became a
traumatized man. And so as as I was having these
visions, I was fully awake, so Iwas writing them down.
It was like a stream of consciousness.
I would write these visions down.
And once I saw this vision, I started addressing him directly.
(43:07):
And I was explaining to him about time and space and that we
have thousands and thousands of lives.
And then in each life, our parents are not our real
parents. They're more like our siblings.
They're our parents for one life, maybe more if you choose,
but that in this life, this mother was not his real mother.
(43:28):
And I explained to him that his real mother was actually the
universe, which is more like a river of energy, a river of pure
consciousness. And I explained to him that he
didn't need to hold on to these memories anymore and that he
could let go and that it would actually be easier for him to
let go of this life so that he could heal.
(43:50):
And I could tell that he was basically addicted to this
trauma. And he was so afraid that it's
like he couldn't move on. And of course, I did know that
he had probably like, sold a piece of his energy.
But that's like the first visionhe showed me.
And then the next day, he showedme another vision where a group
(44:11):
of young boys were were sexuallyassaulting him and they were
laughing at him. And that was horrifying because
at that point it seemed as if hehad almost become used to it.
And so he was still very much hurt, but he was not exhibiting
(44:34):
the same amount of crying and screaming.
And it was, it was horrifying. It was horrifying.
And so as I had this vision, I also wrote to him.
And I don't know, I almost said all the things to him that I
wish someone had told me as a young child while I was
(44:58):
experiencing sexual abuse. You know that everything is
going to be OK, and that these people, this these things that
happened to him, have no reflection on who he is as a
person and that it's not his fault.
And that it doesn't have to be like this forever.
And that there are beings in theuniverse that love him and want
to protect him. And so after all of this, the
(45:24):
next day I wrote to him and I saw another vision.
And that's when everything really came into focus.
And he showed me memories. It was almost like a montage,
but he showed me memories of hisexperiences with this little
(45:45):
girl, a girl who seemed to be about his age, and she was
blonde and she looked like a little fairy.
She was so super cute and nice and he loved her.
And when they were small children, they would play in the
flowers in the springtime. And he just showed me these.
(46:06):
I mean, it was honestly cinematic.
He showed me these memories of this beautiful little girl
running through these tall flowers and peeking at him
through the flowers. And she was genuinely just such
a kind, a kind, sweet person. And so he loved this girl
(46:29):
because she was really the only person in his life who was kind
to him. And so then he ended up showing
me another memory where they were older, perhaps like 17 or
18 or like young adults, And this young girl was getting
(46:52):
married to a different man. And they were in love with each
other. Like, she was really happy.
And on this day, my ancestor lost his mind.
He he snapped. He fucking snapped.
And the same day of her wedding,he left and climbed this fjord
(47:17):
and sacrificed a goat. And I think, yeah, I and I think
it was a goat for sure. And perhaps another animal,
perhaps a bird. But he like full on used blood
to, to write sigils in the earthand like really did a full blood
(47:38):
ritual to and and summoned a spirit.
And his emotion on that day was that he, he, it was like he
wanted everyone to pay. It was like a revenge to
everyone, to the whole world, because the whole world had
betrayed him. That's how he felt.
(47:58):
And so from that day on, it was like his life became murky, like
he wasn't. It's like he had fully
dissociated and the spirit had lived through him.
And even after his death, the spirit has basically been
clinging on to my family becauseit's so desperately wants to
(48:19):
occupy a human body. And so after I saw all this, I
was a little bit freaked out, but I also felt a huge sense of
clarity because regardless, regardless if you believe in
(48:40):
like the spiritual aspect, the details of the ancestry really
helps me put into perspective like mental illness over
generations, right? Because epigenetic trauma is
real. And so if there is a culture
that is abusing each other, hurting each other, murdering,
(49:03):
sexual violence, like all these things live on in the genetic
makeup and are passed down. So even a kind person who's well
adjusted may experience very oddemotions and memories that are
passed through epigenetic information that sit oddly in
the body, right? And it's, I'm just thinking
about like my Viking ancestors and how there could be
(49:25):
generations and generations and generations and generations of
sexual violence and violence that is living on through my
bloodline. And then if you also believe in
the spiritual aspect, it, it really does help illuminate how
nuanced this is because it does manifest as a physical sickness,
(49:47):
as a mental sickness, as an emotional sickness, but also a
spiritual sickness. It's truly like a spiritual
virus. It's not about that these people
aren't accountable for their actions.
Everything is a two way St. but it's like a spiritual sickness,
like a virus that has entered myfamily and they have not had the
(50:09):
tools or the self-awareness to recognize that they have been
feeding this thing and that is something that they have to make
amends with in their own time. So that was kind of like the
first step. And eventually I did a ceremony
(50:30):
with some friends. I did rape or happy, which is a
raw and powdered version of tobacco which you inhale.
And it is used to like clean your energy field and to sever
your connections with spirits. And I have a friend who
(50:54):
administers Rappe. So I did some and I had a
ceremony for this ancestor and I, I helped him find some peace.
But what I do know is that of course, like this ancestor did
(51:14):
do some kind of dark magic and it does live on with my family.
And so I, I, I alone can't like lift this curse from my whole
family. But since doing that, my
maternal grandmother died, I think a month after I did the
(51:35):
ceremony. And I've noticed a huge shift in
some of the family members on that side of the family that I
have spoken to. And truly like my dream for all
of them is that they can find peace and happiness and find
(51:57):
sobriety, real sobriety. Because it's not really, it's
not really about like sobriety from alcohol.
It's like sobriety of self, right?
Being in touch with your body and self aware.
Because I think when we dissociate, that is like kind of
(52:17):
what makes us the most vulnerable to spirits.
And so basically, so this is like my personal story.
This this happened this year in 2024.
And soon after I did this ritualfor my ancestor, I started
(52:40):
offering readings for friends because I was in the practice of
meditating everyday and doing energy work.
And I only work with entities with consent.
And part of how I was able to help my ancestor in a sense pass
on was that I started speaking with him and I got his consent.
(53:02):
So I did start giving readings to some friends and I did have
some really interesting results.And I've obviously have given
readings to some friends and I've seen really scary like
sexual abuse in older generations.
I've seen like medieval scenes of sexual abuse and physical
(53:23):
violence. And I've seen how how the legacy
of what these ancestors experience be passed down
generation through generation, either in a form of intense
violence or in a form of intensedissociation.
But I've also been able to do readings for friends where I
(53:45):
meet some of their ancestors andtheir highly evolved people who
are alchemists, magicians. And I've essentially like
through meditation, I'm, I'm fully sober in this point in my
life. And through daily meditation,
(54:06):
I've been having the trippiest time of my life.
And I have spoken to some familymembers who have passed away.
I've spoken to some friends, family members who have passed
away. And I've been able to travel
through time and space and travel to other realms, Akashic
realms and speak to people. And I, I, I, maybe that's
(54:33):
something I could talk about on another episode because I don't
want to share other people's readings in detail only because
I haven't asked for their consent.
But I felt, yeah, I, I felt the need to share my story because
it, it's so wild and seemingly implausible.
(54:56):
And, and I think there was an older version of myself that
would think that this sounds crazy, but since I've been
sharing my story more openly, somany people have been telling me
that they've had similar experiences in their life,
either with family members or exlovers.
And I just realized that when I was a child.
(55:20):
I really wish that I had someoneto talk to about this stuff, and
I wish that I had access to a podcast or a video or someone
shared with me their experience because I spent so many of my
years of my life thinking I was crazy and I was afraid to share
(55:43):
these ideas with people. Because I was also aware that
for so many centuries, people who talked about these things
were persecuted and called witches and they were killed.
And so I spent so much of my life hiding and not sharing my,
(56:03):
my beliefs and sharing the things that I was seeing at
home. And you know, I don't, I don't
want to shame myself because I, I was only trying to survive.
But I really do hope to build a world for the younger generation
where we can speak about these things and we can speak about
(56:26):
abuse and not. I don't want to condemn anyone.
I want everyone to get help. And I understand at this point,
in reality, we don't have a lot of resources for people who are
doing the abuse, especially things like sexual abuse.
But I do think that with time and more spiritual development,
(56:48):
we can find ways to help each other and at least help victims.
But I also just want to invite everyone.
Like, it's not like you need to like, do seances for yourself.
But I do think it's really important to think about the
legacy our ancestors have and how their DNA lives within us.
(57:10):
And it's not about shunning themor running away from them.
It's about really feeling your body, and when you feel your
body, you can heal yourself. And when you heat, when you can
actually heal yourself, you are healing your entire ancestral
line. I really do believe that.
(57:33):
As above, so below. And if epigenetic trauma flows
one way by you untying these knots of trauma within yourself
and with your within your own nervous system, you are then
changing the legacy of what you pass on, be it to your children
or to people you mentor or friends or whoever.
(57:54):
So, so yeah, that's my story. If you listen to this whole
thing, thank you so much. And if you have a similar story,
I would love to hear. You can e-mail in at
esotericaandnonsense@gmail.com. I'm so appreciative of you and I
(58:15):
really hope that you take incredible care of yourself.
I love you, have a beautiful day.
Hello and welcome to Esoterica and Nonsense, a podcast where we
discuss myths, legends, folk tales, fairy tales, supernatural
phenomenon and religions from around the world.
I am your host, Annabelle, and today I am going to share a
(00:59):
slightly irregular episode of the podcast.
I am going to talk a little bit about my experience as a human
being and the wild twists and turns that my life has taken
that has led me to be able to beable to do Akashic readings,
(01:21):
past life readings and, I don't know, energetic work.
I should say. Sometimes this is hard for me to
talk about because I almost sometimes judge myself as I'm
speaking and it can I Sometimes it just sounds so unbelievable
(01:44):
and so wild. But these developments in my
life have happened naturally through experiences, and I've
shared my story with a lot of friends and a lot of clients,
and I've been asked to share my experience on my podcast.
(02:07):
And so yeah, I'm feeling really nervous, but I think it's
important to share and I just want to be really open before I
start that I am going to talk about some pretty dark things.
So this is a trigger warning. I will be addressing sexual
(02:29):
assault and domestic violence and some some pretty hard topics
that come out come up throughoutmy story.
So I just really want to be clear before I start in case in
case this is too much for you totake on.
But let us let us begin. So basically in the recent past
(03:00):
year, in the year 2024, I've started getting really back into
a meditation practice and meditating every day.
And through that, I've been ableto do medium work.
I've been able to speak with people who have passed away.
I've been able to speak with some of my family members, my
(03:21):
friends family members. I've been contacted by some
ghosts, but I really just want to tell you my story because it
wasn't always like this and it'sbeen a really long road.
So a little bit about me. My name is Annabelle.
(03:42):
I'm from the Bay Area and when Iwas little, I, I was raised by a
family that was by no means religious, but my family was I,
I think they thought of themselves as open minded and
(04:03):
we're interested in the arts. So I was, I was raised in a
setting where I didn't subscribeto any religion, but I did feel
that a lot of religions resonated with me in some of
their ideals, mostly about kindness, charity, showing
kindness to everyone. I understood these ideals as
(04:25):
ancient philosophies, but I was always fascinated with folk
tales and fairy tales and lore, and I was obsessed with fairies.
And I had a feeling as a young child that I was an alien,
mostly because I didn't feel like I belonged in my family,
and I felt really different fromthem, and I felt as if they
(04:47):
didn't understand me. So basically when I was a young
child my mother struggled with alcohol use but when I was young
I didn't really notice that. And now that I'm older I do know
(05:09):
that she was drinking. But there was times when I was
around my mother that even during the day I noticed very
odd behaviour in her. And specifically I noticed that
my mother would get very angry very easily and sometimes
violent and I would often avoid her.
But my brother got a big portionof this abuse, and it was mostly
(05:36):
like just kind of like losing her temper over nothing.
But even as a young child, I remember being so confused
because it was like her personality changed.
Like her eyes would change, her body language would change.
And she was a really scary person when she was angry.
(05:57):
And sometimes I would talk with her about this when she would
calm down and it was like she couldn't remember.
And I, I, I used to think that she was lying.
Actually, I thought that she liked couldn't like sit with the
truth and so she would, I thought she was lying.
(06:19):
But essentially my brother was getting a big brunt of her
physical and verbal abuse. And my brother started taking a
lot of that out on me. So when I was around like 3,
give or take, my brother and I kind of like began this cat and
mouse dynamic. He was 18 months older than me.
(06:43):
And he, you know, sometimes I would instigate things I would
like steal a toy or something, but he would, you know, chase me
and often tie me up for hours and like, hide me in a closet.
He would, you know, whatever hitme and all these things.
(07:04):
But this started at a really young age.
And so I grew up being really used to this.
And so I got really quick. I started running faster.
I started trying to get more smart.
I almost like enjoyed antagonizing him.
So it became like what I expected from him as my brother.
But obviously, now that I'm older, looking back, a lot of
(07:27):
the behavior was alarming. Specifically, I don't, I guess,
games that he would play with mewhere he would suffocate me and
see how long I could go, you know, before I would literally
start having a panic attack or he would, you know, tie me up
for hours. And what's alarming for me now
(07:49):
as an adult was how much enjoyment he got out of it.
But when I was young, I just thought that this is what all
brothers do. And I think in a sense, I mean
people with siblings, like thereis a certain extent of like
harming each other. And, you know, I think there are
(08:13):
elements of obviously him experiencing abuse and turning
that on me. So I'm, I'm really just trying
to report on the facts. I I really don't want to
diagnose my brother or vilify him but one day when I was
around 5 years old give or take,my brother really pushed me past
(08:35):
my breaking point and I honestlydon't even remember what it was
but I just physically lost control and I became so angry
with him that it was like it waslike I was hit by lightning.
That's like the only way I can describe it.
I became so overwhelmed with anger that my body started
(08:55):
vibrating and I started trembling and I felt something
changed within me like it. It really felt like a dark veil
was pulled over my head and the world changed and again I was
like 5 years old so my brother was probably 6.
We were little ass kids but I remember as my energy changed he
(09:20):
looked me in the eye and ran away from me and I didn't even
touch him. I didn't say anything and once
he ran away my first thought actually was that I was like
drunk off this power. But then quickly afterwards I
realized that what had what had happened was not me.
(09:44):
It really felt like something entered my body and I knew
nothing really about. I had really not been educated
in things like demons or entity possessions or dark energies,
but I deep down always knew thatthere were forces of light and
forces of dark. And in that moment I made a
(10:04):
clear boundary that I wanted nothing to do with this.
I will. I did not want to take on this
energy. This energy was not allowed
inside of me. And I essentially, I think what
I said to myself was like, I, I do not want to be like my
brother and I do not want to be like my mom.
(10:24):
This is not it. And that day I remember thinking
to myself, like, I wonder if this is the energy that goes
inside of my mom and my brother because they're weird.
They were, they were so fucking weird.
(10:45):
I I, and it's hard to put into words.
I mean, I think most of us have maybe dealt with people like
this, but maybe not all of us have.
But it's really hard to, to explain the energy shifts that
happen within them. I think some people would call
this like multiple personality. And I guess, I guess you could
(11:10):
say that I personally don't, I, I wouldn't call it that, but I'm
not here to diagnose. OK, So as my childhood
continued, my brother started abusing me more and in different
(11:31):
ways. And eventually it resulted in my
brother molesting me over the course of around five years.
And it was a really, it was a really scary and difficult
experience because in some ways it was so terrifying and
(12:00):
isolating because I feared that if I told anyone that he would
hurt me more. And I also feared that if I told
someone that he would be imprisoned or get in so much
trouble, and that would also be blamed on me.
And I think it was also really hard because in some ways, not
(12:25):
not every instance, but in some instances, those were the
moments where he was the kindestto me.
But to be clear, not all of them, not every instance was
kind at all. And so during this period of my
life, understandably, I started dissociating.
(12:47):
And I was also navigating elementary school.
And in some of those years, I was navigating middle school.
And so I was living in a place where people did not believe in
spirits, people did not believe in entities.
(13:08):
And so those thoughts I had as achild where I had thought
perhaps there's something like deeper spiritually going on with
my family, those thoughts left me behind.
And I just found myself dissociating.
And I actually lived with a lot of guilt for a lot of years
because I felt that it was my fault.
(13:38):
And truthfully, like, this is sohard to talk about because this
was my brother and I had to go to school with him and everyone
at my school knew who he was andthey knew who I was.
And it was like, it was scary and it was embarrassing for me.
(14:00):
And I just spent years telling myself that if I was stronger or
more resilient, that I would have never allowed it to happen.
And yeah, I just, I really didn't know what to do.
(14:22):
And it was really, it was reallyhonestly like the most terrible,
the most terrible few years of my life.
And sadly, I know that I'm not alone and I know that a lot of
young children have dealt with similar, umm, experiences, some,
(14:45):
some much more horrifying than mine, and it just breaks my
heart. But OK, let's take a break for
one second. I'm going to burn a little bit
of Palo Santo because I just, I need a moment.
(15:08):
OK, so basically through middle school, my brother and I stopped
spending time together and I didn't really like being home.
And he neither did he. And so we didn't see each other
as much and we weren't spending very much time together at all.
(15:32):
And eventually we ended up goingto school away from home for a
different time. So there was a few years where
we barely saw each other. But eventually in high school,
we ended up going to the same school, and he was pursuing a
(15:53):
career and being a professional athlete.
And so through some turn of fate, my brother found a
personal trainer who had gotten quite a few men into
professional sports leagues. Like, I don't know the NFL and
the NBA, and I don't know if there's any others, but this
(16:17):
trainer was a really interestingcat.
And he was also a Buddhist, and he studied Buddhist philosophy
and Vedic philosophy. And when he started training my
brother, he told him very seriously that if he really
(16:39):
wanted to be a professional athlete, that he would have to
not drink a drop of alcohol, noteat any refined sugar, and that
he would have to start meditating.
So in this year in high school, my brother was not eating sugar,
(16:59):
He wasn't drinking, and he was doing Buddhist chants and Hindu
chants for a a few hours a night.
And it was like he was a different person.
It was like that he was like the, the, the kind version of my
(17:21):
brother that I knew like maybe 10% of the time.
And so for this short period, about 18 months in high school,
I really thought I, I felt, I felt a sense of relief because
my brother finally was like a friend.
(17:42):
And so I guess I told myself thestory that like young children
are just terrible, right? Like there's this phrase, boys
will be boys. And I was just so happy to have
a sibling like my sibling. And we were talking about deep
things about the universe and werespected each other and, and
(18:08):
felt a lot of compassion for each other that we had survived
our childhood, which was really not easy all the time.
And it was really sad. And so I felt like the the
weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders because
this person who had once been myabuser, I basically kind of like
(18:32):
let him off the hook in my mind because I just saw him as an
abused child who how had been abused and was taking out his
anger on me. And so I guess I had had told
myself and comforted myself thatthis is not who he was forever.
(18:57):
So obviously there are so many details, but to keep the story
moving promptly, my brother ended up getting a sport, a
sports related injury in high school which made it impossible
for him to continue pursuing sports for college and possibly
(19:23):
a professional career. And so pretty quickly after my
brother started drinking alcoholagain and pretty quickly I saw a
change in him. But we were older and so he
wasn't abusing me by any means, but a lot of his behaviours
(19:49):
changed a lot of his like personal hygiene, the the type
of people he was spending a lot of time with and the girls he
was dating. And the way that he was treating
girls was always very from my from my opinion, it felt a
(20:11):
little bit exploitative and. What's the word?
Like womanizing, I guess. But I, I was still adamantly
desperate to have this version of my sibling that I always
wanted, which was a sibling thatI could depend on.
(20:33):
And that was a friend. And so after high school, I
ended up like working with my brother and basically this was
when weed was still illegal in California.
And so he was brokering it around the West Coast and I was
growing weed. And through this time, I, I
(20:59):
watched his mental health plummet like so fast.
And for a few years, I was in total denial because I saw the
best in him and I and I needed it for my, for my own safety.
(21:20):
I needed him to be this like idealized version of himself
because I still hadn't really been able to process how
traumatizing my childhood was. And so if he could be this
version that was Buddhist and was kind and was contemplating
(21:43):
the philosophical nature of the universe, I, it was easier for
me to let let go of my childhood.
Whereas as he was almost reverting back to who he was,
which was someone who didn't really seem to care about life,
didn't care about human life or animal life and didn't really
care about women and, and seemedto show a lot of signs that he
(22:11):
only cared about himself. I, I was telling myself that it
was some kind of phase and and blah, blah, blah.
And eventually, of course, one night I ended up getting in a
fight with my brother and he washolding a glass of bourbon.
(22:31):
And I looked into his eyes and Irealized in that moment that his
eyes were clouded over. They were dark and and grey and
like almost like a someone with cataracts like they were, they
were his eyes were almost Milky.And I realized that he was
(22:51):
mentally ill. And so I realized I had to
leave. And so I did.
I left that night and I've neverseen him again.
And that was about 8 or nine years ago.
And that's kind of when my life really began because not long
(23:14):
after I left, I really started contemplating these feelings
that I had had as a child where I felt that my mother and my
brother had multiple personalities.
And it was like majority of the time there were these angry,
scary, violent people, but therewas like windows where the sun
(23:38):
would peek through the Do you hear the dogs barking?
They always bark. They always bark.
Oh, my goodness, they're agreeing with me.
So yeah, I when, when I stopped seeing my brother and I cut him
out of my life, that's when I really started contemplating
(24:01):
spirituality more. And just for some context,
actually, I the dogs come on, you watch.
There was a point in my life when I lived in a haunted house.
I feel like I'm jumping everywhere.
But when I was younger, my family ended up moving to quite
(24:25):
a few different houses and we did live in a house that was
definitely haunted and none of my family believed me.
But I would hear people walking through the house and there was
definitely something going on inthe attic.
I always felt a presence in the attic.
(24:45):
I would when I was in the attic,I would feel someone there with
me and it. And once I heard like like a
demonic breathing in the house. I, I was anyway I, I could.
This is like a whole other tangent, but my point is growing
up, I did have moments where I experienced spirits.
(25:07):
Come on dogs, come on Peppers, you guys stop barking for me.
Thank you. Yes.
And so now I'm in my early 20s, I'm living on my own.
And I had researched throughout high school, I had done
(25:29):
mushrooms a few times, and I hadgotten really into esoteric
books. And I was just consuming
information about esotericism, shamanism, ancient religions,
Hermeticism. I was learning about the
Quadrovian principle, I was learning about sacred geometry,
(25:51):
and I was just really trying to consume everything I could in
high school, was reading a lot of like Jungian books.
And not long after I stopped talking to my brother, I
actually did see a psychic woman.
And she did tell me that there was like a dark spirit following
(26:13):
me and that it didn't, it wasn'tan entity possession, but it was
like a dark cloud that wanted topossess me.
And it like siphoned energy freefrom me when I slept.
And when she told me that, I immediately felt it resonate
because I, I feel the spirit. The spirit isn't my brother or
(26:37):
my mom. It's something not bigger than
them, but it's something that like I grew up with, it was in
my house and it lived within them, but I knew that it was
something bigger. And so I always like kept that
in the back of my mind. And as the years went on, I
always started, I started thinking more about it because
my mother's side of the family is a Viking descent there.
(27:01):
My mama's majority like Swedish,Norwegian, and then she has some
Germanic and English blood as well.
And I started really kind of doing the math because the
Viking people, we're going on raids and they were raping women
(27:23):
and murdering people and stealing.
And from my point of view, like that's exactly what dark magic
is, right? It's like blood sacrifice,
hurting things for the sport of hurting things.
And like especially like sexual abuse in my mind is not only a
(27:46):
physical abuse, but it is a, an emotional and mental and a
spiritual abuse. It is like taking so much from a
person. And so for a person to do that,
obviously they have to be, they have to be sick, right?
And so for an entire culture or like an entire group of men from
(28:08):
like a, a Viking village to engage in these kinds of things,
like says a lot about their culture and, and their state of,
of health. So I just kind of started doing
the math and I had this intuition that perhaps one of my
ancestors had maybe done some kind of dark magic and had
(28:33):
created some kind of curse for our family.
And I know this sounds wild, butthis was just like an idea I had
years and years ago in my early 20s.
And at this point in my life, all I did when I would think
about it is just imagine like a magical aura around me, like a
magical force field protecting me.
(28:53):
And I just wanted nothing to do with my family.
And throughout this period, I was having like really
interesting synchronicities happen to me.
I started having visions that did start coming true.
And a few times I actually did do medium work accidentally.
(29:19):
One of the times I I ended up moving to Guatemala for a short
period of time and in that time I was out on the street smoking
a spliff and this Canadian guy walked up to me and asked if he
could share it with me and as a good Stoner I always share.
(29:40):
So I ended up smoking the spliffwith this stranger and he told
me the story of how he was namedand that he was his father chose
his name but his father died before he was born.
And so he was telling me the story of why his father chose
this name. And as he was telling me, I
(30:03):
started seeing a man in my mind.It was so bizarre.
It was almost like a Cheshire cat.
Like I saw this smile and he started talking to me in my
mind. And so then I started telling
this man what I was seeing, which was like a version of his
(30:24):
father, I guess, in the spirit world.
And I started telling him thingsthat his father was telling me.
And he started crying. It was, it was, it was wild.
And after we finished our spliff, he went on his way and I
never saw him again. And so things like this were
happening all throughout my 20s and so many, so many other
(30:46):
things were happening for me. But as I was getting older, it
became more and more obvious that of course my mother and my
brother are sick individuals andthey've struggled with addiction
and mental health issues. But I also personally became
certain that there was also a spiritual component to this that
(31:11):
in my opinion, seemed ancestral.I forgot to mention that my
mother's mother also had a really weird dark energy about
her and her father, who I never met, had an odd struggle with
addiction. And a lot of the men on that
(31:31):
side of the family seem to have very odd behaviours and
relationships to alcohol and seem to exhibit similar
behaviours where they like switch in and out of
personalities. And it's really not multiple,
it's really just two. It's kind of like a kind regular
(31:52):
human and then like a really scary person.
So eventually when I was I think27 or 28, I got my first Akashic
reading, and the first thing I asked her was about my brother
(32:13):
and my mother. And specifically, I asked her if
there was some kind of entity, possession or curse on my
mother's side of the family and how I could heal it.
And that's what this woman told me was that I had an ancestor 7
(32:34):
generations back who did blood magic, who who purposefully
sacrificed a living being with the intention of summoning a
dark spirit. And he did this knowingly and
basically, for lack of a better term, sold his soul to the
(32:59):
devil. She was very clear with me that
there is like no such thing as like the devil.
But it the phrase is, is a is a thing for a reason.
Because there are spirits that are parasitic and want to use
the energy of humans for their benefit.
Mostly because humans are like never ending batteries.
(33:21):
To be a human means that you have a soul, and to have a soul
means that you have an eternal battery.
And so there are some beings whodesire these batteries for
whatever purposes. There's a whole long list of
what they would use them for. But basically my ancestor,
according to this woman, my ancestor sold a piece of his
(33:45):
soul for power and has basicallybeen able to.
He's been unable to reincarnate and has become a parasite that
lives off of my family. And when she told me this I
actually started crying because I have spent so much of my life
(34:08):
not sharing this with anyone because I didn't want people to
judge me or think I was making excuses for my family.
And I just want to be clear thatI don't think this is an excuse,
but this was something that I sensed within me, something that
I sensed in my core, that there was something very wrong with my
(34:29):
family and specifically my mom'sside.
And it's an energy that is not common.
It is a very odd and bizarre energy that I just never felt
right about. So when this woman shared this
with me, I immediately felt relief.
And she also told me that basically, like my guides, my my
(34:54):
spirit guides, if you will, werewere really proud of me that I
had successfully protected myself for so long, but that I
should be really careful around that side of the family.
And of course, you know, I was kind of already on that page,
but it wasn't until a few years later, which was actually this
(35:18):
March, March 2024, one of my closest friends, Lori, bought me
a tarot reading from this incredible person in Mexico.
And the way that they read tarotis magical.
They they pull cards and they start channelling things.
(35:38):
So he pulled a few cards and immediately he told me that
there is a spirit that follows me everywhere and that it's a
man. And so he started asking me
like, did you have a childhood boyfriend who passed away?
And I said no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I know exactly who this spirit is.
It's my ancestor. And so this man continued to
(36:02):
give me this reading and he was telling me that this ancestor in
a way is in love with me and doesn't want me to have
romances. But he also told me that it was
that it was my, how do I say it?He basically told me that I had
(36:28):
to help him move on. And that had never occurred to
me. It had never occurred to me to
help this spirit, this, this dark being who is my ancestor,
to help him move on. And I actually thought that was
really funny because I had genuinely never, I had genuinely
(36:52):
never considered that. And now that I'm reflecting on
it, it is so funny because I really my dream in my life has
always been to be a compassionate person and I never
want to condemn or hate anyone. And I believe me have gone
through periods of my life whereI have hated people.
(37:14):
I think my brother is a great example, but I don't I want to
in a in a perfect world, I wouldlove to see even the darkest of
entities like find peace and find healing.
And I believe that it is possible, maybe not in this
life, but I believe that into Infinity that every living
(37:38):
conscious being can find peace. So this is this is where it
starts getting really crazy. So at this point I'm living in
Mexico and I have some friends who live in the city with me who
(38:05):
I started chatting with and one of my friends since moving to
this region of Mexico started having really interesting
experiences astral projecting while he was asleep and while he
was asleep he was astral. He was astral projecting out of
his body and helping spirits move on.
(38:31):
And so he was telling me these stories and it was happening
without him trying. He would go to sleep and while
he was sleeping, he would leave his body, excuse me, and he
would end up going to other parts of the world or the spirit
world, and he would meet with people and help them move on
(38:54):
into other worlds. And so while he was telling me
this, I started feeling really inspired because I started
thinking back to moments in my life where I had experienced
spirits or been able to speak with ghosts or dead people
without trying. And I thought to myself, what if
I tried? I've never actually tried to do
(39:16):
it. So if I can do it without
trying, I'm sure I can do it with some some effort.
So at this point I had just started The Artist's Way, which
is a workbook. I highly recommend it to
everyone. It's a workbook to ignite your
creative self. And a big part of the Artist's
(39:39):
Way is waking up every morning and writing 3 pages in your
journal. So I started doing this and I
started writing to my ancestor directly and I started stating
intentions that I wanted for both of us.
One was for me to always be in control of myself and that no
(40:01):
one or nothing can take any piece of my energy.
But I also started making intentions for him.
And specifically, I started making intentions that my wish
for him was to reclaim his soul,to reclaim the pieces of himself
that he gave away. I told him that he had the
(40:23):
ability to do so. And I also told him that I I
wished for him to be free. I wished for him to move on and
let go and to forgive himself for all of the scary things that
he had done because I'm sure he's done so many scary things
that I don't know about. And so I did this for about 3 or
(40:48):
4 days where I wrote to him directly and on the 3rd or 4th
day I started getting visions. It was almost like he was
speaking to me but through visions and he showed me
memories. So I will share with you the
memories he shared with me. But I just want to be honest
that this is really really dark stuff and it's really fucked up.
(41:13):
So if you need to, I would recommend fast forwarding if if
if things like sexual assault isvery triggering for you.
So in a nutshell, the first thing that he showed me was a
vision of him. It looked, I mean I don't know,
(41:35):
I haven't been to Sweden or Norway, but it looked like
Sweden or Norway. There was a large grass, grassy
Meadow and small cabins surrounded by fjords.
And in this vision, I saw my ancestor who was maybe like 5 or
6 years old, and he was bent over his mother's leg and she
(42:02):
was punishing him and she was sodomizing him with an object.
I'm not sure what the object was.
I couldn't see that. And I honestly, I honestly was
mostly seeing this from my ancestors perspective.
So I would as I actually was looking at his, his face and the
(42:24):
scene, but I guess because he was showing it to me, like my
whole focus was in his experience and he was crying and
screaming. And immediately everything kind
of clicked to me because I realized that my ancestor was
(42:45):
actually just a really, really traumatized child who became a
traumatized man. And so as as I was having these
visions, I was fully awake, so Iwas writing them down.
It was like a stream of consciousness.
I would write these visions down.
And once I saw this vision, I started addressing him directly.
(43:07):
And I was explaining to him about time and space and that we
have thousands and thousands of lives.
And then in each life, our parents are not our real
parents. They're more like our siblings.
They're our parents for one life, maybe more if you choose,
but that in this life, this mother was not his real mother.
(43:28):
And I explained to him that his real mother was actually the
universe, which is more like a river of energy, a river of pure
consciousness. And I explained to him that he
didn't need to hold on to these memories anymore and that he
could let go and that it would actually be easier for him to
let go of this life so that he could heal.
(43:50):
And I could tell that he was basically addicted to this
trauma. And he was so afraid that it's
like he couldn't move on. And of course, I did know that
he had probably like, sold a piece of his energy.
But that's like the first visionhe showed me.
And then the next day, he showedme another vision where a group
(44:11):
of young boys were were sexuallyassaulting him and they were
laughing at him. And that was horrifying because
at that point it seemed as if hehad almost become used to it.
And so he was still very much hurt, but he was not exhibiting
(44:34):
the same amount of crying and screaming.
And it was, it was horrifying. It was horrifying.
And so as I had this vision, I also wrote to him.
And I don't know, I almost said all the things to him that I
wish someone had told me as a young child while I was
(44:58):
experiencing sexual abuse. You know that everything is
going to be OK, and that these people, this these things that
happened to him, have no reflection on who he is as a
person and that it's not his fault.
And that it doesn't have to be like this forever.
And that there are beings in theuniverse that love him and want
to protect him. And so after all of this, the
(45:24):
next day I wrote to him and I saw another vision.
And that's when everything really came into focus.
And he showed me memories. It was almost like a montage,
but he showed me memories of hisexperiences with this little
(45:45):
girl, a girl who seemed to be about his age, and she was
blonde and she looked like a little fairy.
She was so super cute and nice and he loved her.
And when they were small children, they would play in the
flowers in the springtime. And he just showed me these.
(46:06):
I mean, it was honestly cinematic.
He showed me these memories of this beautiful little girl
running through these tall flowers and peeking at him
through the flowers. And she was genuinely just such
a kind, a kind, sweet person. And so he loved this girl
(46:29):
because she was really the only person in his life who was kind
to him. And so then he ended up showing
me another memory where they were older, perhaps like 17 or
18 or like young adults, And this young girl was getting
(46:52):
married to a different man. And they were in love with each
other. Like, she was really happy.
And on this day, my ancestor lost his mind.
He he snapped. He fucking snapped.
And the same day of her wedding,he left and climbed this fjord
(47:17):
and sacrificed a goat. And I think, yeah, I and I think
it was a goat for sure. And perhaps another animal,
perhaps a bird. But he like full on used blood
to, to write sigils in the earthand like really did a full blood
(47:38):
ritual to and and summoned a spirit.
And his emotion on that day was that he, he, it was like he
wanted everyone to pay. It was like a revenge to
everyone, to the whole world, because the whole world had
betrayed him. That's how he felt.
(47:58):
And so from that day on, it was like his life became murky, like
he wasn't. It's like he had fully
dissociated and the spirit had lived through him.
And even after his death, the spirit has basically been
clinging on to my family becauseit's so desperately wants to
(48:19):
occupy a human body. And so after I saw all this, I
was a little bit freaked out, but I also felt a huge sense of
clarity because regardless, regardless if you believe in
(48:40):
like the spiritual aspect, the details of the ancestry really
helps me put into perspective like mental illness over
generations, right? Because epigenetic trauma is
real. And so if there is a culture
that is abusing each other, hurting each other, murdering,
(49:03):
sexual violence, like all these things live on in the genetic
makeup and are passed down. So even a kind person who's well
adjusted may experience very oddemotions and memories that are
passed through epigenetic information that sit oddly in
the body, right? And it's, I'm just thinking
about like my Viking ancestors and how there could be
(49:25):
generations and generations and generations and generations of
sexual violence and violence that is living on through my
bloodline. And then if you also believe in
the spiritual aspect, it, it really does help illuminate how
nuanced this is because it does manifest as a physical sickness,
(49:47):
as a mental sickness, as an emotional sickness, but also a
spiritual sickness. It's truly like a spiritual
virus. It's not about that these people
aren't accountable for their actions.
Everything is a two way St. but it's like a spiritual sickness,
like a virus that has entered myfamily and they have not had the
(50:09):
tools or the self-awareness to recognize that they have been
feeding this thing and that is something that they have to make
amends with in their own time. So that was kind of like the
first step. And eventually I did a ceremony
(50:30):
with some friends. I did rape or happy, which is a
raw and powdered version of tobacco which you inhale.
And it is used to like clean your energy field and to sever
your connections with spirits. And I have a friend who
(50:54):
administers Rappe. So I did some and I had a
ceremony for this ancestor and I, I helped him find some peace.
But what I do know is that of course, like this ancestor did
(51:14):
do some kind of dark magic and it does live on with my family.
And so I, I, I alone can't like lift this curse from my whole
family. But since doing that, my
maternal grandmother died, I think a month after I did the
(51:35):
ceremony. And I've noticed a huge shift in
some of the family members on that side of the family that I
have spoken to. And truly like my dream for all
of them is that they can find peace and happiness and find
(51:57):
sobriety, real sobriety. Because it's not really, it's
not really about like sobriety from alcohol.
It's like sobriety of self, right?
Being in touch with your body and self aware.
Because I think when we dissociate, that is like kind of
(52:17):
what makes us the most vulnerable to spirits.
And so basically, so this is like my personal story.
This this happened this year in 2024.
And soon after I did this ritualfor my ancestor, I started
(52:40):
offering readings for friends because I was in the practice of
meditating everyday and doing energy work.
And I only work with entities with consent.
And part of how I was able to help my ancestor in a sense pass
on was that I started speaking with him and I got his consent.
(53:02):
So I did start giving readings to some friends and I did have
some really interesting results.And I've obviously have given
readings to some friends and I've seen really scary like
sexual abuse in older generations.
I've seen like medieval scenes of sexual abuse and physical
(53:23):
violence. And I've seen how how the legacy
of what these ancestors experience be passed down
generation through generation, either in a form of intense
violence or in a form of intensedissociation.
But I've also been able to do readings for friends where I
(53:45):
meet some of their ancestors andtheir highly evolved people who
are alchemists, magicians. And I've essentially like
through meditation, I'm, I'm fully sober in this point in my
life. And through daily meditation,
(54:06):
I've been having the trippiest time of my life.
And I have spoken to some familymembers who have passed away.
I've spoken to some friends, family members who have passed
away. And I've been able to travel
through time and space and travel to other realms, Akashic
realms and speak to people. And I, I, I, maybe that's
(54:33):
something I could talk about on another episode because I don't
want to share other people's readings in detail only because
I haven't asked for their consent.
But I felt, yeah, I, I felt the need to share my story because
it, it's so wild and seemingly implausible.
(54:56):
And, and I think there was an older version of myself that
would think that this sounds crazy, but since I've been
sharing my story more openly, somany people have been telling me
that they've had similar experiences in their life,
either with family members or exlovers.
And I just realized that when I was a child.
(55:20):
I really wish that I had someoneto talk to about this stuff, and
I wish that I had access to a podcast or a video or someone
shared with me their experience because I spent so many of my
years of my life thinking I was crazy and I was afraid to share
(55:43):
these ideas with people. Because I was also aware that
for so many centuries, people who talked about these things
were persecuted and called witches and they were killed.
And so I spent so much of my life hiding and not sharing my,
(56:03):
my beliefs and sharing the things that I was seeing at
home. And you know, I don't, I don't
want to shame myself because I, I was only trying to survive.
But I really do hope to build a world for the younger generation
where we can speak about these things and we can speak about
(56:26):
abuse and not. I don't want to condemn anyone.
I want everyone to get help. And I understand at this point,
in reality, we don't have a lot of resources for people who are
doing the abuse, especially things like sexual abuse.
But I do think that with time and more spiritual development,
(56:48):
we can find ways to help each other and at least help victims.
But I also just want to invite everyone.
Like, it's not like you need to like, do seances for yourself.
But I do think it's really important to think about the
legacy our ancestors have and how their DNA lives within us.
(57:10):
And it's not about shunning themor running away from them.
It's about really feeling your body, and when you feel your
body, you can heal yourself. And when you heat, when you can
actually heal yourself, you are healing your entire ancestral
line. I really do believe that.
(57:33):
As above, so below. And if epigenetic trauma flows
one way by you untying these knots of trauma within yourself
and with your within your own nervous system, you are then
changing the legacy of what you pass on, be it to your children
or to people you mentor or friends or whoever.
(57:54):
So, so yeah, that's my story. If you listen to this whole
thing, thank you so much. And if you have a similar story,
I would love to hear. You can e-mail in at
esotericaandnonsense@gmail.com. I'm so appreciative of you and I
(58:15):
really hope that you take incredible care of yourself.
I love you, have a beautiful day.
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