February 27, 2025 • 54 mins
Dive into a heartfelt conversation that tackles the complex emotions surrounding imposter syndrome and the often-hidden feelings of inadequacy we carry with us. In this episode, we peel back the layers of self-doubt and explore how our upbringing, societal expectations, and personal narratives shape our perception of worthiness.
Janet and I share candid stories from our experiences as parents, navigating the challenges of helping our children while facing our own anxieties. We discuss the beauty of supportive relationships and how genuine care from loved ones can help us confront feelings of being a fraud in our personal and professional lives. Together, we unpack five distinct types of imposter syndrome, shedding light on how each manifests and impacts individuals differently. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, we reveal the power of vulnerability and the importance of community in countering the narratives that keep us stuck in self-doubt.
As we prepare to wrap up, we acknowledge the intertwining nature of grief and acceptance, encouraging listeners to embrace their unique journeys and understand their inherent worthiness. This episode serves as a reminder that while the journey may be fraught with challenges, we all possess the potential to thrive. Join us in this thought-provoking discussion on self-worth, acceptance, and the transformative power of connection. Remember to subscribe, share, and leave a review as you reflect on your own path to embracing your worth.
Host Candace Fleming
Co-host Janet Hale
visit the website at https://www.essentialmotivation.com/
visit the store at https://shopessentialmotivation.com/
Instagram instagram.com/essentialmotivationllc
visit Janet's website https://haleempowermentllc.com/
To be a guest on our show email me at candacefleming@essentialmotivation.com
In the subject line put EMH Guest
Suicide Prevention Lifeline 988
Music by Lukrembo: https://soundcloud.com/lukrembo
Provided by Knowledge Base: https://bit.ly/2BdvqzN
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Candace Patrice (00:04):
Hello and welcome back to another episode
of Essential Mental Healing,where I am your host, candice
Patrice, and joining me today,as always, is my lovely co-host
who had to get me together thismorning, janet Hale.
Janet Hale (00:22):
Hello, hello and hello everyone.
How are?
Candace Patrice (00:26):
you doing.
Janet Hale (00:27):
I'm okay, candice, I'm doing good.
Candace Patrice (00:39):
I had a very active weekend and so that was
pretty cool.
What about you?
I'm doing better.
I was, as you know, strugglingwith some anxieties from dealing
with helping my daughter withhomework.
Parents, how are you doing this?
What are you doing?
I need tips because I'mrealizing that I was sharing
this with my mother earlier thatthings that come easy to me
sometimes I can't, at least withmath.
(01:00):
I can't comprehend how it's notsimple to others.
It's the strangest thing, andit's difficult for me teaching
my daughter because things getbig to her.
So when she doesn't understandit or it looks like it's going
to be difficult, she kind offreezes and doesn't want to do
(01:20):
it, and it takes a minute for meto just kind of wrap her around
the idea of just kind of takingit step by step, and that
causes me a lot, a great deal ofanxiety.
So you know I had just helpedher with I think it was five
pages of math, five pages, fivewhole pages.
Janet Hale (01:39):
What grade is she in ?
Candace Patrice (01:41):
What grade is she in?
Fourth, grade, so that was a lotto deal with.
However, when we got on toshoot, I was high in anxiety.
But we ended up talking mymother and I a little bit just
about that and all kinds ofthings and I looked up and my
leg wasn't shaking anymore and Iwas sitting back in the chair
(02:03):
and things were easier so and Iactually did.
Sorry, mom, in the beginning itwas like I didn't want to hear
about her day, and then I didwant to hear about it by the end
of everything.
So I am better.
(02:35):
I've had a great place to be,finding that I don't know what I
was going to say, but a lot ofgreat things have just been
happening around me and thesupport showing up for each
other is so beneficial,especially when you're not doing
(02:58):
it out of obligation butbecause of desire, and that
reciprocation of love feels sogood.
But also I've been seeing howpeople around me are creating.
They are beginning to just dothings and it's really beautiful
(03:22):
to see and seeing how you onlyneed one.
But in the rooms that I havebeen in lately they've been full
and that is beautiful, and theconversations with the people
next to me beautiful.
So just a lot of beautifulthings happening and I'm really
(03:43):
grateful and appreciative ofthose things.
Janet Hale (03:48):
Oh, may I piggyback on that.
Candace Patrice (03:50):
Please piggyback on that.
Janet Hale (03:53):
Ooh, powerful, and I second that emotion.
For those who don't know thesong, anyway, to be in spaces
that are that brings out mylight is always good, that
brings out my best self isalways good.
That matches my best energy isalways good.
(04:14):
So I'm going to share with youraudience, our audience, about
you sending me a song.
So I'm working this particularday, you guys, and I'm working
from home and I'm busy, I'mgetting stuff done or trying to
anyway, and I look at my phoneand she sends me this song.
(04:39):
This song was talking about Idon't want I got so emotional
about it how important a motheris and I was so taken back by it
that makes me feel a littleemotional now that I was like
(05:01):
whoa, I just broke down andstarted.
I said, ooh, because whenyou're loved, truly loved, that
love will bring you to yourknees, and not in a bad way, but
in a good way, and then withyou guys.
So she sent me this.
I said why would you send thisin the middle of my work day?
So she didn't respond back,still haven't responded.
(05:26):
I said, candace, you need totext to see if I was okay.
I told you you just broke medown from at work.
She don't see if I'mresuscitated, what's going on.
But it is always good to feelloved.
It is always good to be in thecompany of people that care
genuinely about you.
To feel love, this is alwaysgood to be in the company of
people that care genuinely aboutyou.
(05:49):
You shared about how youvisited someone and they had you
take your coat off and sit downand eat.
Oh, she cooked for me, I meanshe cooked for her household.
No but her friend came by andbeen busy running around.
She's like take your coat off.
Yes, Sit down and eat at mytable.
(06:10):
So, those are the kind ofthings you know that are so
important.
Candace Patrice (06:15):
Insert I didn't know what I was going to eat
that night.
I hadn't eaten.
I went to Cuisine and Cinemabut I couldn't eat the steak
bites because I don't eat steak.
And the third course had a lotof tomatoes in it.
I don't eat tomatoes, so I hadonly had the mushrooms, which
were delicious, by the way.
So I was still hungry, it waslate and I didn't know what I
(06:38):
was going to eat.
So to get there and have thisfull meal that was pure
perfection, was everything.
Okay.
Insert close.
Yes.
Janet Hale (06:50):
But here's my thing about that when people love you,
you don't have to tell themwhat you need.
Sometimes they can look at youand just take care of you, and
that's the beauty of love,that's the beauty of you know,
just that whole connection.
And I want to say thisSometimes when we see that
somebody needs something, don'twait for them to ask you If you
(07:12):
see it's a need and you can takecare of it.
Have the time.
I'm not saying you know, youjust drop your whole life.
But that was a demonstration, inmy opinion, of true love.
And that is without you evenasking or requesting or saying,
oh, am I going to eat?
I don't know what I'm going todo, but this person looking at
(07:33):
you, recognizing that you've hada full day, everything is
happening, or whatever's goingon in your life.
You know you're busy all thetime.
Candace Patrice (07:40):
And she was caring for my child.
And she was caring for my childand she was caring for her god
baby.
Janet Hale (07:47):
For sugar baby.
But anyway, all those things,kamari's, all those things to us
, but anyway, and yes, and she'syes with her godmother, who
takes very good care of her, andso, but see, she was taking
care of her.
Now you just took me somewhereelse with that because she was
taking care of her, but then shesaw you and took care of you
too.
You follow me, so that's justthat's.
(08:09):
That's ain't that loving you,though?
Ain't that loving you?
And so when we can move in thatspace, and even with you
talking today, and you, like yougot on this thing and you just
was not having it, oh mygoodness, oh audience, oh my God
, but however, no, here's thething about it.
(08:29):
You, you know, regulatedyourself by talking and
listening.
To my mommy, I know to your mom,but you know, but that's what
love does, love says, because Iwas like, was like breathe, baby
, I don't feel like breathing.
Oh you guys, she's such a brat,oh my goodness.
(08:51):
And I'm like, okay, but you know, love is patient, love is kind,
and I know that's writtensomewhere in one in your book
sure is, and so you know, thoseare the kind of things that are
so important and sometimes weget caught up on the things that
are doesn't matter.
But that meal mattered to you.
(09:11):
It mattered so much it matteredto you.
And it's not that she told youshe was cooking you a meal.
First of all, she's keeping thebaby.
I mean, you know she's doingall that, she babysitting.
She took one look at you andknew what you needed.
Candace Patrice (09:25):
She didn't even look at me.
The thing is, she had preppedthis.
She was like I was hoping thatyou didn't pull up and say she
can come out.
She was like I wanted you tocome in.
Janet Hale (09:35):
That's even deeper.
Candace Patrice (09:36):
And then I got in, had my coat on because I was
just planning on picking up andgoing, you know it's late.
She was like well, you takeyour coat off and eat because
I'm making you a plate.
I said you want me to take itto go?
She was like no, I want you toeat it here.
Janet Hale (09:59):
And we sat together and ate our meal that she
prepared.
That was so delicious.
So that is just.
You talk about being in spacesand different things like that.
You know it's good to stay inconnection with folks that are
that way and make them part ofyour village, because that those
are the kind of things.
That's the kind of magic thathappens.
Candace Patrice (10:19):
And you know also.
So part of the reason why I hadjust anticipated putting my
coat on and leaving, or keepingmy coat on and leaving, it was
late, it was already about 11o'clock and it's I was being
conscious of her time with herhusband as well.
So you know, I didn't want toimpose, but to have her, want me
(10:39):
to be there in that time andnot feel like, oh, if I stay,
I'm a burden or I'm imposing.
It was, please stay.
Janet Hale (10:52):
It was that opening of the door, opening of the arms
.
So may I so not everybody'slistening to this book, but I've
been listening know that I'm arecovering alcoholic and I had
many years cleaning and I had arelapse.
And I had many years cleaning,I had a relapse and I remember
when I went back to the supportgroup.
Candace Patrice (11:11):
Can you remind us?
Janet Hale (11:12):
how long that gap was.
I don't remember, because Ikept saying seven years and I
don't think it was that long,but anyway, it was a relapse and
it was horrible and it kickedmy tail.
Candace Patrice (11:20):
Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe I have a question.
Janet Hale (11:22):
What's that?
So I was clean for 14 years.
I was clean for 14 years andI'm not sure how long the
relapse was.
I don't think it was.
Candace Patrice (11:31):
as long as I keep saying oh no, I meant the
distant, the time between thesober time.
You said it was 14 years.
Before you went back, yourelapsed.
Janet Hale (11:39):
Right.
Candace Patrice (11:40):
Got it.
Janet Hale (11:40):
Right.
And so when I went back um, andI'll never forget walking into
the room and I was like you know, I'm like I had to relax, and
they said we've been waiting foryou.
That hit me a certain kind ofway, in a good way, because it
wasn't about being ashamed thatyou had to relapse, that you're
(12:02):
a human being, and that happenedit was.
We're glad you made it back,because not everybody gets back,
but not only that.
We've been waiting for you.
She was I'm trying not to sayher name like she was waiting
for you.
You didn't know that.
Like you said, I'm trying towhatever, but when someone is
(12:24):
waiting for us, it's a beautifulfeeling.
It's more than just beingaccepted.
Candace Patrice (12:34):
Yeah.
Janet Hale (12:35):
You know what I mean , because they're anticipating
your arrival.
Candace Patrice (12:39):
You know there is a woman I met in the
beginning of the school year whohad gone through some, or has
was going through some personalstruggles and you know I shared
with her that I was a mindsetdevelopment coach and all of
these things.
And she's like girl, I'm gonnaneed you, I'm gonna need you,
but I don't have the funds rightnow.
But I continue to show up forher whatever capacity, whenever
(13:03):
she calls or anything.
And I remember her asking formy Zelle and she sent $20 to my
business just because she wantedto sow a seed.
But even more recently she sentme a message.
It was like hey, can you meetme?
I have something for you.
And she gave me a card justthanking me for being there for
(13:24):
her and accepting her for all ofwho she was and who she is.
And it was $45 in there as well.
And when I received it I feltso undeserving, very grateful,
but because I wasn't doinganything to get anything in
(13:45):
return, all I wanted to do wasrespond whenever she needed me,
check in to make sure she wasokay and just be a sister of
community to her.
It wasn't about just be a sisterof community to her.
It wasn't about it's not what Ican do for her, just be there,
because people just need us tobe there.
And when I, you know I use thatword undeserving and it's
(14:07):
actually really perfect segueinto our topic for today, which
is imposter syndrome.
And imposter syndrome is afeeling of self-doubt or
fraudulence that causes peopleto believe they aren't good
enough, despite the evidence tothe contrary.
So, and it says, people withimposter syndrome may feel like
(14:31):
they don't deserve theiraccomplishments and fear being
exposed as a fraud.
And it's like part of me andsometimes when we receive things
, we feel like now I'm indebtedor I owe something to this
person.
But obviously that's just amindset to be able to, just as I
(14:52):
was giving.
It just so happens that herrepayment for her, what she saw
to be worthy, was to give me atoken in the form of a monetary
contribution.
But we are deserving of thethings we receive and we have to
be able to lean into that andlike even the meal for me to
(15:17):
come in.
And you know, I'm like I don'twant to be in her space too long
this night.
Be with her.
You know she gotta be with herhusband.
She's like, girl, come here,eat this meal and feel like and
I'm talking to her like man, Idon't deserve you as a friend.
She's like I don't deserve youas a friend.
Now here we are feeling like wedon't both in your imposter
syndrome moments but clearly weare both so deserving of each
(15:41):
other that we bring differentaspects to the relationship, you
know, and there are other.
There's another situation ofsomeone who just tells me that
I'm the greatest speaker of alltime, and I hear her say that
and I'm like because she's goodtoo, I'm the greatest speaker of
all time, and I hear her saythat and I'm like I'm like one
day she gonna realize I ain't asgood as she think I am.
(16:02):
Like you know, this is in theback of my head, but reality,
why not lean into that andcontinue to believe I am
deserving of being called thegreatest speaker?
You know it's.
I think sometimes we don't wantto, or at least I don't want to
take the humbleness out of it.
I don't ever want to get on ahigh horse of oh well, I know
(16:24):
now, and it's so weird.
It's like so many thoughtprocesses that happens as you
continue to grow and get intoplaces and spaces with people
who are quote unquote better orbigger names and things because
of people, how they have viewedthem or how they have put them
in places and spaces ofhierarchy, when in reality they
(16:49):
are the same people we are withmore accolades from someone else
, but we're just as deserving.
You want to say something?
Janet Hale (16:58):
I see you in the face and your breath yeah, in my
breath too.
I'm sorry.
Okay, the imposter syndrome andyou know about the folks that I
work with that took me undertheir wing and I'm talking had
me in a position where I wassitting in places that were the
(17:22):
chef, the butler, the maid.
All this is happening.
I'm sitting at this table and Iremember sitting there thinking
I'm at this place, in thisplace, at this table, in this
seat, because it is meant for mein this seat because it is
meant for me.
I remember that.
So like I didn't even feel likeyou know, you would have
(17:46):
thought I grew up in all that.
I was like no, I'm deserving ofit.
And I've also had moments whereI've been in situations that
felt like, oh well, I don't know.
But I don't sit in that parttoo long.
I don't sit in that too longbecause I'm a firm believer that
we get what was coming anyway.
I'm a firm believer in that.
And I was listening to you talkabout the young lady that you
(18:08):
assisted and then you were onlythere to serve right.
You were, you were being aservant, and I mean that in the
best way.
Candace Patrice (18:18):
Yes.
Janet Hale (18:19):
Okay.
And so then, when she wanted toreciprocate, you got caught up,
in my opinion, and this is withlove and your ego, because that
ego and I'm going to tell you,I don't know if you're ready for
this one, but ego can alsostand for edging God out.
Okay, Ego right.
(18:40):
And so I think when we get intothat because sometimes I get
(19:00):
into that a little bit is thatwe cheat that other person from
showing their appreciation andtheir love and their way of
caring and their way of showingup, because we're caught up in
the ego, I will say, and notinto the heart of the matter.
And I think you understood it,but you got caught up, you know
what I mean.
Like you got caught up becausethat was her way of showing you
I appreciate what you've done,and so here is my token of
appreciation.
(19:21):
Not that I feel I owe youanything because.
I don't really I wasn't there,but I don't think that was her
side of the story.
It was my way of saying thankyou so much.
I really appreciate you andperiod, and that's it.
So I'm glad you allowed her tospace, even though you went
through whatever you were.
You know a little bit, but yeah.
Candace Patrice (19:42):
And even in that you know it was
undeservingness.
However, the gratitude thatcomes with it, because I did
recognize and understand that Idon't think she thought she owed
me anything.
It was that token of love.
But it's like, you know, it'syou get caught off guard.
So sometimes it's like wow meand I think we've had this
(20:05):
conversation before.
It's like you, you want to showthis to me.
Wow, what did I do to deservethis?
You know, but I'm so grateful.
I am so grateful because youdid not have to, but you chose
to.
So thank you.
You know, the end result camewith a thank you you know so
(20:26):
absolutely.
Janet Hale (20:29):
Yeah, it's, it's, it's um.
That's an interesting topic.
I didn't know we were going togo there with this but uh, it's
just interesting when we getinto, whether we feel worthy or
not, we're always worthy of whatis great, and what belongs to
us will come to us, and fromyour dude, todd.
Candace Patrice (20:51):
I want to say it so bad.
Janet Hale (20:55):
Pass the mic, todd, go ahead.
Transformation Church.
Oh, stop it.
There's only one us, one me,there's one Janet, there's one.
I want that.
Now there's only one us.
And guess what?
Live in it, love it, cherish it.
Don't try to be like anybodyelse.
Don't get caught up in theimposter syndrome and I'm not
(21:18):
worthy.
No, we are worthy.
We are worthy every day that weshow up.
We're worthy when we wake up inthe day.
We're worthy when we wake up,when we breathe this air.
We are worthy and I heard thisfrom somebody else.
But when we take the time backto look at what other people are
doing, we're taking time awayfrom ourselves.
Candace Patrice (21:41):
Yeah, so let's just stay present.
Janet Hale (21:44):
Stay present in our own space, because it's our
space, our own individual spacethat the creator has created
just for us individual spacethat the creator has created
just for us.
Candace Patrice (22:00):
Also, we have had that conversation about
Oprah wanting to be like BarbaraWalters and how she ended up
flourishing because at somepoint she recognized her own
greatness and stepped intoherself.
Janet Hale (22:15):
Well, that too.
But when she said that toBarbara Walters, Barbara Walters
said there's already a BarbaraWalters, you need to go ahead
and be an Oprah.
Candace Patrice (22:25):
So that's when she realized that.
That part?
Yeah, yep, but there wassomething that had to happen.
And because if our ceiling issomeone else, how do we rise
above it?
And still I rise.
Come on, come on.
Janet Hale (22:40):
Oh, we doing this.
Candace Patrice (22:41):
We're going there, oh, we doing this, yes,
and and even you know as beingthe only one of ourselves, our
destination can't look likesomeone else's destination it
cannot, it cannot.
Because then, how do we achieveour greatest greatness?
We?
Janet Hale (23:00):
can't look like someone else's destination.
Candace Patrice (23:01):
It cannot, it cannot.
Because then, how do we achieveour greatest greatness?
We can't, we cannot.
Janet Hale (23:06):
And from the mouth of time.
We don't want a replacement,and the way that was broken down
was so beautiful.
Candace Patrice (23:15):
Yes.
Janet Hale (23:15):
Because you're looking at somebody else and
what they're doing and you allmessed up and you got caught up
and lost and somebody thatreplaced your position whatever
that position is opposed tostaying focused on the role
that's set before you.
That's in your lane.
Stay in our own lane.
Candace Patrice (23:34):
Oh, this is a good one too.
Come on, come on Relationships.
Oh this is a good one, tooRelationships.
We get into relationships andthere's someone who we're
attracted to but we want tosometimes want to know what it
is that they like, what it isthat they want, and we try to
mend ourselves to be like whatit is that they want and like,
(23:55):
opposed to saying if who I amisn't enough for you, then this
isn't where I need to be.
And also even deeper, when we'relooking at infidelity and a
partner trying to seek and areyou doing this with somebody
else?
Well, baby, somebody once toldme somebody told me, if they, if
(24:19):
they can take you, they canhave you, because I am.
Janet Hale (24:24):
No, that's, that's real true, and you can.
Candace Patrice (24:27):
you have to choose me, just like I choose
you, but I'm choosing.
I'm choosing all of you, period, and I need you to choose all
of me, period.
And that that plays into theimposter syndrome too, because
if you are constantly trying tomend yourself to them, for
(24:47):
somebody else.
There you go, you can't be yourtrue, authentic self, you can't
flourish, and then you find ithard to keep up in that
relationship because now you'renot practicing something that's
natural and normal.
Janet Hale (24:59):
And I also want to take that not just from the,
because it sounds like you'retalking from a romantic
relationship.
Yes, I'm OK and I'm speaking onall relationships, I'm speaking
on friendships and all thosethings, because you're going to
have to accept the Janet.
That's within me, period.
Because if you cannot, that'sOK, that's okay.
I mean, you know it's fine, goon the down the street, I'm fine
(25:20):
with that too, and so, even ifI'm in a space where someone
approaches me and I'm notcomfortable, I'm okay with that
not being okay.
This is not a time for us,Because please know that the
authentic person is really forall of us all of you that are
listening is the one you reallywant to know.
(25:41):
Period In all our relationships.
Candace Patrice (25:46):
That also goes into employment.
Okay, alright, come on.
When we are at a job and we play, a position, we should do it to
the best of our ability and notbe afraid of the person coming
under us, Cause sometimes youknow they say you're training
your replacement.
(26:07):
But if you've done what you aresupposed to do to the greatest
ability that you can do it, yourposition may be, you may be
getting a promotion.
So train that next person to bethe greatest version so that
whatever it is that you have todo, they can do their part even
better for you.
But when you begin to lack andslack and try not to get
(26:27):
somebody better, then you putyourself in a position of the
underdog, Cause now you have,now you've been promoted.
Here's a good one, oh okay, ohokay, Wait, Okay.
So there was a man and I don'tknow if this is just a story
that I've heard, but let's justcall it a story so there's a guy
(26:50):
who was a builder and someonegave him money to build a home.
The home, let's say, was$100,000.
He said you got $100,000.
I want you to build this home.
So the guy says, okay, butinstead of putting the money
into the home to make it thebest home, he cut a bunch of
corners so that he could pocketthe majority of the money.
(27:13):
What happened was after the homewas built and everything, and
he told the guy is ready for him.
He said great, I'm glad youbuilt this home.
Because you built your home,this is now your home Now.
Janet Hale (27:25):
I love it.
I love it.
Candace Patrice (27:28):
He done it to the best of his ability and made
it the sturdiest home that hecould, knowing that he could
have.
He would have had the greatesthome because his hands, he was
the builder of that home.
However, because he was focusedon something else Ooh, focus,
that was a part of it he wasfocused on something else.
He didn't get the greatest ofwhat he could have had, and
that's the same as thatemployment.
(27:49):
Be the greatest at which.
Because you now, if you're, ifyou, you just trained your
assistant to not be greatbecause you were afraid of them
taking your position.
Nobody can take your positionbecause, as we just said, you
are the only you and lean intothat.
(28:09):
Go ahead, I see you.
Janet Hale (28:11):
Uh huh, the list, ok , ok.
So there are two things.
And we talk about thereplacement.
I remember being on aparticular job and I didn't have
as much education as I have nowand someone was coming in who
had more.
I was told you're going to betraining the person that's going
to take this job.
Oh, okay, really All right,then let's do this.
(28:34):
And I remember when I met herand she came in and we were
working together and I was goingto train her to the best of my
ability because I wanted her tobe great, because in her being
great was show the gifts that Ihad brought to the table, that I
had trained her really well.
Candace Patrice (28:51):
So you, know be the best you can be.
Janet Hale (28:55):
And so I remember her and I having some
conversation because you know Iwas feeling some kind of.
I remember her and I havingsome conversation because you
know I was feeling some kind ofway about it and I was very open
and honest.
Sometimes we have to learn howto be vulnerable in situations
and things.
And so when I said to her Isaid you know it's not a you
thing, I said, but sometimes I'mhaving a problem with training
you to take the position that Ihad and it's not your fault or
(29:16):
anything I said.
And so we taught and so westarted like meditating in the
morning and getting together.
I mean ended up close and itwas just a beautiful thing and
we thought about it.
I said, you know, this couldhave turned out all different,
but no, we didn't do that, wetalked about it.
I was very authentic and honestabout what I was going through.
(29:37):
That had nothing to do with her.
Make that very clear.
Did the training?
She was great, everything wentfine and she's still great.
You know her and she has herown business now.
She is doing just fantastic.
But yeah, when we're trainingsomeone a replacement or someone
(30:04):
to take up a replacement.
Let's do the best job that wecan, because for me that's like
you know.
I want you to do well.
If I'm training you, because Iwant it to be said well, you
know Jenna trains her.
You know you're doingeverything backwards.
No, not that.
The other thing when youmentioned about building that
home, I remember being in theworkshop, and in this workshop
(30:24):
they had you think of someoneyou love very much, like this.
You just love them so much.
Now write down all the thingsyou wish for them.
So so, write down all thethings you wish for them.
So everybody's writing andthey're going Right, right.
(30:48):
So when it was done, iseveryone finished?
Everybody, yes, it said thatlist is for you.
Wow Isn said that list is foryou.
Wow, isn't that deep.
Candace Patrice (31:02):
Well, the deepness is that I had a group
of teenagers do that years ago,my very first speaking
engagement at a school, and Itold them to, I asked them who
was their favorite person and towrite down all of the qualities
of that person and I believe Itold them that that was a
(31:25):
reflection of themselves, or youknow, I don't remember exactly
how I worded it, but you sayingthat just full circle moment how
that was in my mind years agoyes, wow.
Janet Hale (31:40):
Okay.
So that was just veryinteresting because everybody
was writing down, you know,their kids, whatever, whatever,
and I want them to have a goodlife and I want them to have
education and I want them tohave peace and I want them to
have happiness.
You know, because, as a certainyou know, after you've been on
this earth for a minute, you hadsome bumps and bruises, a few
things that went down in yourlife.
But they're talking and they'rewriting all these things and
(32:04):
when they said, now that's foryou.
And what was interesting aboutthat is that a few people had a
hard time accepting that part.
It was easier to write thatdown about somebody else and
wanting that for someone else,but that person they love so
dearly.
Candace Patrice (32:21):
Yeah.
Janet Hale (32:21):
But it became difficult when it was time to
reflect and look at yourself andsay, oh, I deserve this.
Candace Patrice (32:27):
Yeah, yeah.
Janet Hale (32:28):
This is for me, this list belongs to me, so that and
that can fall into the impostersyndrome as well, if you think
about it, because you knowyou're the person you love you
feel is worthy of all thesewonderful things, but when it
was time for you, you didn't seethat, or it was more difficult
for you to see that.
Candace Patrice (32:48):
Yeah, You're writing, so go ahead.
No, I'm not writing, I amlooking at something.
So there are five differenttypes of imposter syndrome.
Janet Hale (33:00):
Yeah.
Candace Patrice (33:01):
There's the perfectionist, and this person
believes they could have donebetter if they weren't so
imperfect, feels like they'renot as good as others think they
are.
I sometimes fall into thatperfectionist.
The expert feels like theydon't know everything there is
(33:23):
to know about a subject, fearsbeing exposed as inexperienced
and underrates their ownexpertise.
Then there is the naturalgenius.
They set unrealisticexpectations for themselves.
They feel like a fraud if theydon't succeed on their first try
(33:43):
and they believe they mustpossess a natural talent the
natural genius.
Then there's the soloist.
Questions their competence orabilities because they had to
ask for help to reach a certainlevel or stature.
I think a lot of people.
The soloist one, because askingfor help is something a lot of
(34:07):
people don't want to do, in myopinion, something a lot of
people don't want to do, in myopinion, especially if you've
been hurt or dismissed whenasking for help at a time in
your life.
Then the last one is thesuperhuman, and the superhuman
wants to be good at everything.
Can you relate to any?
Janet Hale (34:27):
of those.
I was yeah, the one before that, the soloist Mm-hmm, and I
actually had the experience withthat and, well, I didn't quite
understand something and Ididn't want.
You know, everybody that waswatching knew I didn't get it,
but I didn't want to be exposed.
I was like uh-uh.
(34:48):
They were like no, we're goingto help you do this.
I'm like not in front ofeverybody, no, and they were so
patient and so kind and soloving and so supportive, and so
I mean I was like, okay, andthat helps when vulnerability is
(35:11):
such a big thing, though,because sometimes we have to
learn to let that guard down.
No, I don't understand this.
No, I don't know how.
Yes, I do need help with this.
And guess what?
It's OK if everybody in themeeting knows it, but what's
interesting, though, about thattoo, is when're hiding because
(35:32):
it's a form of hiding people seeyou, they already know or you
get left behind because youdidn't ask the questions.
Oh well, no, Okay yeah.
Candace Patrice (35:44):
Because now you get new information and you
still don't know how to connectit to the information you didn't
ask the question about.
Janet Hale (35:49):
I'm not going further.
No, I'm going to call you.
I'm going to call somebodybecause I'm no, no, no, no.
And you know that, candace, I'mgoing to figure.
You know I'm going to callsomebody, but for me, I was just
speaking about being in anenvironment where there were
others looking and not wantingto be exposed to the fact that I
(36:10):
did not understand, and thegroup and you talked about being
in different spaces that.
I was in a space of safety, Iwas in a space of caring, I was
in the space of compassion, Iwas in a space of patience, like
you know.
We're going to work with her,yeah, we're all going to work
(36:34):
with her, we're all good, and so, yeah.
So I think I would fallsometimes more in the soloist
part of it, because aperfectionist I am not.
I mean, I don't even try to bethat.
I'd be like, nope, this is it,you got it.
Here I am.
What were the other ones?
Candace Patrice (36:54):
I'm sorry, the perfectionist, the expert, the
natural genius, the soloist andthe superhuman.
Janet Hale (37:02):
Yeah, I think that was more that one.
What about you I?
I can't look at the list,because I'm a mess up and make
noise, so um, well, okay.
Candace Patrice (37:15):
So the soloist I think as a kid I may have
struggled just a little bitbecause questions took up time.
Nobody wanted to sit through it.
Um, but as I got, as I'mgetting older, I'm the person in
the room and they're like suchas such any questions like me.
So I don't understand this part.
(37:37):
But it's helpful because askingall but and and it actually is
really helpful to ask questions,especially as a coach, because
being able to ask the rightquestions or being a host, being
able to ask the right questionsis very important.
So I don't have the soloistpart, especially.
If I did, I definitely don'tanymore.
(37:58):
I'm the perfectionist.
Yes, I can struggle with thatbecause I want everything to be
done well, and if I can't do itwell, then I kind of freeze
sometimes and it's I actuallyokay.
I remember writing a paper inhigh school.
Janet Hale (38:19):
I was reading some of my Did I write it or did you
write it?
I'm just kidding.
Candace Patrice (38:23):
No, by high school, by high school.
I was doing mine by high school.
All right, it's a senior yearat that.
So, but I had read some of myold papers and I was I mean like
from middle school, elementary,and I was like these are
actually pretty good and Ithought about how much time I
put into those papers trying tomake them perfect.
Well, this one day in senioryear I probably had one class
(38:46):
period to get this whole paperdone, and I remembered how
simple the papers were, but theytook so much time.
So I was like, well, you got anhour, so it's time to pump it
out, and I literally juststarted typing things as they
came out of me and they madesense.
I did well on the paper.
I didn't put I don't want tosay I didn't put too much
thought in it, but I didn't puttoo much pressure into it and
(39:09):
was able to knock out this paperpretty quickly.
The superhuman who wants to begood at everything yeah,
definitely struggle with that.
Actually, I don't struggle withit because I definitely think
I'm superhuman and I am good ateverything and I can do
everything.
However, I don't have the timeto do everything, so that's
that's what my issue is theydone, messed up and told me I
(39:32):
can be anything, I can doanything, I'm powerful.
I was like, oh, my subconsciousbelieving Cause I didn't say it
so much, but I can doeverything, I can be anything.
I am every woman.
Okay, that is me.
So when it comes to that, theexpert feels like they don't
know everything there is to knowabout a subject.
I know a lot about the subjectthat I'm considered an expert in
(39:56):
.
However, I do want to continueto learn and learn and learn and
.
I don't think that's a problem.
I don't think I actuallystruggle in that area, but I
also don't know that.
I know enough a lot of timesand I know a lot.
So the natural genius setsunrealistic expectations for
themselves.
I'm a natural genius in time,so I set unrealistic
(40:19):
expectations on time.
I think I can do 50 things inone day and also do them in two
hours.
That is so unrealistic.
And then I go and have heartpalpitations because I'm running
late and couldn't do it all atthe time frame that I
unrealistically set for myself.
Hence today I am going on ahiatus and a do not disturb so
(40:43):
that I don't have anything tolook at.
I have to respond to anyone oranything Now.
Tomorrow morning I might freakout when it comes back off of Do
Not Disturb, but I'm chillingtoday, Chilling.
Janet Hale (40:55):
I'm listening to you and it makes me and I've always
been but it makes me gratefulfor recovery, because I'm not
perfect, and I know it.
(41:15):
And it's not about perfection,it's about progress, and so
those are some of the thingsthat are in me and it took that
for me to be able to say certainthings about being hippie and
the thing that you I'm notreligious, you know and being
okay in that space and not, youknow, trying to be accepted for
(41:41):
other people to their belief,try to adapt to their belief
system to be accepted.
So that's the part that whenI'm listening, I'm like woo okay
, not that I don't go in and outof those spaces sometimes but,
the main one is the one thesoloist.
For me, yeah, it's the soloist,but when you were talking I was
(42:08):
like, woo, thank goodness forrecovery, man, because it's like
you know, and I've been througha lot and you know, and I've
done some things that I've doneand I've had to make peace with
some things and accept them, andthe whole thing about God
grabbed me to serenityity, toaccept the things that I cannot
(42:30):
change, the courage to changethe things I can, and the wisdom
to know the difference.
And a lot of times I do fall onthat and I do it subconsciously
.
I'm not even saying the wholespeech.
Well, let me figure that out.
What I didn't know, I was goingto share but I'm going to, and
I know we're almost done becauseI know she's going to be like
let's talk about it Is that Irealized that Brandon has been
(42:58):
dead for nine years.
Candace Patrice (43:04):
As of February, somewhere around here.
Janet Hale (43:06):
Guess what?
I made the connection thatKamari's her birth date.
You know her age is equivalentto how long Brandon's been gone.
And then it took me to howthings will die.
(43:32):
People will die, but life willalso come, and some kind of way
I made that connection.
I was like first I was like nineyears and I was counting on my
fingers everybody, because shedo the math, not me.
So I was like 16, 17, 18, 19,20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25.
Whoa, that's nine years.
(43:55):
Nine years, and in those nineyears there's been a celebration
of his life and the celebrationof my sugar baby.
And they both can happen and betrue at my sugar baby, and they
both can happen and be true atthe same time.
How beautiful is that.
Candace Patrice (44:17):
It's so beautiful, so beautiful.
Janet Hale (44:20):
What are you looking at?
Candace Patrice (44:22):
You know, I realize I don't know Brandon's
date of death.
Janet Hale (44:28):
The 16th.
Candace Patrice (44:29):
It is the 16th.
Janet Hale (44:31):
Of this month, I know that's why.
Date of death the 16th.
Candace Patrice (44:33):
It's the 16th Of this month.
I know that's why.
Janet Hale (44:36):
I said, when you said nine years, it hit me.
I'm telling you, I was likewhoa, I saw it hit you.
Candace Patrice (44:41):
No, I said it.
I was like almost to the date.
Oh, okay, yeah, because I knowit's February, but I don't, I
guess, because I don't celebratehis death.
I celebrate we saved his life.
We celebrate his life, yeah.
Janet Hale (44:56):
But I'm just saying because we do that.
Candace Patrice (44:59):
Because we do that, I don't know his date of
death.
That's what I'm saying, thatpart.
Janet Hale (45:02):
Okay, whoa, and then .
So when that because every nowand then that will come my way
Okay, that grief will hit me andI was like whoa, nine years.
(45:25):
Oh, my goodness, yeah, and justkind of roll with it, just like
okay and breathe.
When I was talking to youearlier, just like okay and
breathe.
Candace Patrice (45:34):
When.
Janet Hale (45:35):
I was talking earlier, I said, candice,
breathe, because sometimes wejust got to breathe through it
and understand that you know.
And then look at the life.
It's almost now.
This is going to sound weirdand you might cut me off and
this may not play weird and youmight cut me off and this may
not play, but it's almost likethe universe knows what it's
(45:56):
doing.
I may not understand it and youmay not understand it, and it's
like before and this is weird.
So you're going to cut it outand I don't care.
But before I take him, I willgift you with another life and
(46:21):
that's just the hippie and mecoming out on the podcast.
Candace Patrice (46:27):
And we always say that everything happens the
way it's supposed to happen, andthat is exactly what you just
said Exactly.
It's weird.
I think she said it's been fouryears and so she was sharing
(46:53):
the stages of her grief and howthe first year was just complete
delusion.
She's like I don't remember thefirst year.
The second year was, I guess,when she started recognizing the
grief process and maybe seekinghelp.
I believe was seeking help yeartwo, no year three.
(47:14):
I believe was seeking help andgetting a therapist Cause.
That's when things start.
She was able to begin anyways.
The point of me saying this isthat grief happens in different
stages and there is no timelimit on the grief.
There is no way that it looksfor one individual.
One person may be able togrieve someone.
(47:39):
It will look different.
It will look different oneveryone.
It may look easier for someoneelse than it does another person
.
They may be able to handlegrief in one area or by a
particular person easier than ina different area and another
person, and it may not makesense to those around them.
(48:02):
But we definitely have to besensitive to people's grief
process and know that it's theirprocess.
They're the only one of them,which means they can only handle
it their way.
And even as we share our ownstories, let them be just that,
(48:23):
not advice, but the sharing of astory, and they can take what
they want from it or leave itall there whatever it is.
So we got real heavy in the endhere.
Janet Hale (48:35):
Well, you know, that's what we do.
That's what we do.
But I did want to say this,though, because I was looking at
Mama's picture my mother was abeautiful woman, everybody and
realizing that they've been deadfor over 22 years.
You made it up they died in2003.
(48:56):
Wow, so right.
So 23, 24, 25.
Candace Patrice (49:02):
21, only because.
Janet Hale (49:04):
Oh, because it's the beginning of the year, or?
Candace Patrice (49:06):
end of the year .
I got you, I got you?
Janet Hale (49:10):
No, it's just all those.
When you talked about thedifferent stages and how we
grieve different peopledifferently and I love the
grieving process is the grievingprocess for that person and
that person alone.
And when we keep that in mind,allow people their space to do
(49:31):
whatever it is they need to dobecause it's their space.
This grieving is for them, it'snot for anyone else.
Mm-hmm, it is their stuff.
Candace Patrice (49:43):
Mm-hmm.
Janet Hale (49:43):
And when I think of Brandon, there's a sweet spot.
It's right there Like it's sospot.
It's right there Like it's sosacred, it's so crazy, like I'll
be like, hmm, you got thatlittle spot right there.
You know what I mean.
And so for my parents there's aspot Like that's their spot.
Candace Patrice (50:05):
Yeah.
Janet Hale (50:06):
Period you know.
So this life, this journey isso beautiful.
The tears of it all, all of it.
Candace Patrice (50:17):
If you're a parent who watches Bluey, well,
there's a lot of emotion that goin there, and it's now to the
point where my daughter looks atme at the end of each episode
just to see if I got tears in myeyes.
Ain't that wrong?
She's so wrong, but do you everhave tears in your eyes?
Almost every episode it's sogood.
And then she knows there's onethat get me real good.
(50:39):
She's like you want to watchthe Sign.
I'll be like.
No, Kamari, I'm not trying tohave floodgates of my eyes
happening, kind of how you didme your line to Adams.
Janet Hale (50:49):
Yeah, remember you used to do that to me.
Candace Patrice (50:51):
Yep, I'm going to do it to you soon too.
Brought it up, but if anybodyis struggling in any way, shape
or form and need help, you candial 988, text 988, the suicide
prevention lifeline, which isopen 24 hours a day, seven days
a week, 365 days a year.
Of course, we always tell youto find your place in space,
(51:14):
what works for you, don't hide.
Don't hide Because havingcommunity is a part of the
process and there's so much tolearn in community.
So if there is a place, a group, a person, a number that you
(51:36):
can call or go to to workthrough whatever it is, you know
we try to give as many ways towork through whatever it is in
all kinds of unconventional ways.
We have different stories ofpeople who've been through
things and how they've overcomeusing their mind, spirituality,
(51:59):
physical things, therapists,counselors, many, many different
avenues and ways to heal fromwhatever it is that you need
healing from, which is somethingwe try.
So just knowing that you canget through whatever it is, and
(52:19):
we encourage you to see lifethrough, to get to that light,
and it may take longer for youthan it does someone else, it
may be shorter for you than itis someone else but having a
nonjudgmental place and space tobe, knowing how sacred that is.
If you have made it throughsome things and life is a little
(52:43):
easier for you, be a safe placefor someone else.
Go ahead, mom.
Janet Hale (52:49):
I think you hit it right at the end.
When you see someone who ishiding, but you know that they
are, let them know that you seethem, because if we see
something let's do something,because not everyone is able to,
(53:10):
not everyone knows how not tohide.
But if we see someone who ishiding and is able to provide a
support for them, for a safeplace, that's kind of what you
get on For us to do that untilthey're able to do some of the
things on their own.
Candace Patrice (53:30):
Absolutely.
You can follow us at EssentialMotivation LLC Candice, patrice
underscore EM Instagram.
Essential Motivation Facebook.
Essentialmotivationcom is thewebsite, hellempowermentllccom
is Janet's website and, ofcourse, we would just love to
(53:51):
have your feedback and thank youall so much.
Always remember to love hard,forgive often and laugh frequent
.
Thanks, guys, bye.
Janet Hale (54:01):
Bye-bye.
Hello and welcome back to another episode
of Essential Mental Healing,where I am your host, candice
Patrice, and joining me today,as always, is my lovely co-host
who had to get me together thismorning, janet Hale.
Janet Hale (00:22):
Hello, hello and hello everyone.
How are?
Candace Patrice (00:26):
you doing.
Janet Hale (00:27):
I'm okay, candice, I'm doing good.
Candace Patrice (00:39):
I had a very active weekend and so that was
pretty cool.
What about you?
I'm doing better.
I was, as you know, strugglingwith some anxieties from dealing
with helping my daughter withhomework.
Parents, how are you doing this?
What are you doing?
I need tips because I'mrealizing that I was sharing
this with my mother earlier thatthings that come easy to me
sometimes I can't, at least withmath.
(01:00):
I can't comprehend how it's notsimple to others.
It's the strangest thing, andit's difficult for me teaching
my daughter because things getbig to her.
So when she doesn't understandit or it looks like it's going
to be difficult, she kind offreezes and doesn't want to do
(01:20):
it, and it takes a minute for meto just kind of wrap her around
the idea of just kind of takingit step by step, and that
causes me a lot, a great deal ofanxiety.
So you know I had just helpedher with I think it was five
pages of math, five pages, fivewhole pages.
Janet Hale (01:39):
What grade is she in ?
Candace Patrice (01:41):
What grade is she in?
Fourth, grade, so that was a lotto deal with.
However, when we got on toshoot, I was high in anxiety.
But we ended up talking mymother and I a little bit just
about that and all kinds ofthings and I looked up and my
leg wasn't shaking anymore and Iwas sitting back in the chair
(02:03):
and things were easier so and Iactually did.
Sorry, mom, in the beginning itwas like I didn't want to hear
about her day, and then I didwant to hear about it by the end
of everything.
So I am better.
(02:35):
I've had a great place to be,finding that I don't know what I
was going to say, but a lot ofgreat things have just been
happening around me and thesupport showing up for each
other is so beneficial,especially when you're not doing
(02:58):
it out of obligation butbecause of desire, and that
reciprocation of love feels sogood.
But also I've been seeing howpeople around me are creating.
They are beginning to just dothings and it's really beautiful
(03:22):
to see and seeing how you onlyneed one.
But in the rooms that I havebeen in lately they've been full
and that is beautiful, and theconversations with the people
next to me beautiful.
So just a lot of beautifulthings happening and I'm really
(03:43):
grateful and appreciative ofthose things.
Janet Hale (03:48):
Oh, may I piggyback on that.
Candace Patrice (03:50):
Please piggyback on that.
Janet Hale (03:53):
Ooh, powerful, and I second that emotion.
For those who don't know thesong, anyway, to be in spaces
that are that brings out mylight is always good, that
brings out my best self isalways good.
That matches my best energy isalways good.
(04:14):
So I'm going to share with youraudience, our audience, about
you sending me a song.
So I'm working this particularday, you guys, and I'm working
from home and I'm busy, I'mgetting stuff done or trying to
anyway, and I look at my phoneand she sends me this song.
(04:39):
This song was talking about Idon't want I got so emotional
about it how important a motheris and I was so taken back by it
that makes me feel a littleemotional now that I was like
(05:01):
whoa, I just broke down andstarted.
I said, ooh, because whenyou're loved, truly loved, that
love will bring you to yourknees, and not in a bad way, but
in a good way, and then withyou guys.
So she sent me this.
I said why would you send thisin the middle of my work day?
So she didn't respond back,still haven't responded.
(05:26):
I said, candace, you need totext to see if I was okay.
I told you you just broke medown from at work.
She don't see if I'mresuscitated, what's going on.
But it is always good to feelloved.
It is always good to be in thecompany of people that care
genuinely about you.
To feel love, this is alwaysgood to be in the company of
people that care genuinely aboutyou.
(05:49):
You shared about how youvisited someone and they had you
take your coat off and sit downand eat.
Oh, she cooked for me, I meanshe cooked for her household.
No but her friend came by andbeen busy running around.
She's like take your coat off.
Yes, Sit down and eat at mytable.
(06:10):
So, those are the kind ofthings you know that are so
important.
Candace Patrice (06:15):
Insert I didn't know what I was going to eat
that night.
I hadn't eaten.
I went to Cuisine and Cinemabut I couldn't eat the steak
bites because I don't eat steak.
And the third course had a lotof tomatoes in it.
I don't eat tomatoes, so I hadonly had the mushrooms, which
were delicious, by the way.
So I was still hungry, it waslate and I didn't know what I
(06:38):
was going to eat.
So to get there and have thisfull meal that was pure
perfection, was everything.
Okay.
Insert close.
Yes.
Janet Hale (06:50):
But here's my thing about that when people love you,
you don't have to tell themwhat you need.
Sometimes they can look at youand just take care of you, and
that's the beauty of love,that's the beauty of you know,
just that whole connection.
And I want to say thisSometimes when we see that
somebody needs something, don'twait for them to ask you If you
(07:12):
see it's a need and you can takecare of it.
Have the time.
I'm not saying you know, youjust drop your whole life.
But that was a demonstration, inmy opinion, of true love.
And that is without you evenasking or requesting or saying,
oh, am I going to eat?
I don't know what I'm going todo, but this person looking at
(07:33):
you, recognizing that you've hada full day, everything is
happening, or whatever's goingon in your life.
You know you're busy all thetime.
Candace Patrice (07:40):
And she was caring for my child.
And she was caring for my childand she was caring for her god
baby.
Janet Hale (07:47):
For sugar baby.
But anyway, all those things,kamari's, all those things to us
, but anyway, and yes, and she'syes with her godmother, who
takes very good care of her, andso, but see, she was taking
care of her.
Now you just took me somewhereelse with that because she was
taking care of her, but then shesaw you and took care of you
too.
You follow me, so that's justthat's.
(08:09):
That's ain't that loving you,though?
Ain't that loving you?
And so when we can move in thatspace, and even with you
talking today, and you, like yougot on this thing and you just
was not having it, oh mygoodness, oh audience, oh my God
, but however, no, here's thething about it.
(08:29):
You, you know, regulatedyourself by talking and
listening.
To my mommy, I know to your mom,but you know, but that's what
love does, love says, because Iwas like, was like breathe, baby
, I don't feel like breathing.
Oh you guys, she's such a brat,oh my goodness.
(08:51):
And I'm like, okay, but you know, love is patient, love is kind,
and I know that's writtensomewhere in one in your book
sure is, and so you know, thoseare the kind of things that are
so important and sometimes weget caught up on the things that
are doesn't matter.
But that meal mattered to you.
(09:11):
It mattered so much it matteredto you.
And it's not that she told youshe was cooking you a meal.
First of all, she's keeping thebaby.
I mean, you know she's doingall that, she babysitting.
She took one look at you andknew what you needed.
Candace Patrice (09:25):
She didn't even look at me.
The thing is, she had preppedthis.
She was like I was hoping thatyou didn't pull up and say she
can come out.
She was like I wanted you tocome in.
Janet Hale (09:35):
That's even deeper.
Candace Patrice (09:36):
And then I got in, had my coat on because I was
just planning on picking up andgoing, you know it's late.
She was like well, you takeyour coat off and eat because
I'm making you a plate.
I said you want me to take itto go?
She was like no, I want you toeat it here.
Janet Hale (09:59):
And we sat together and ate our meal that she
prepared.
That was so delicious.
So that is just.
You talk about being in spacesand different things like that.
You know it's good to stay inconnection with folks that are
that way and make them part ofyour village, because that those
are the kind of things.
That's the kind of magic thathappens.
Candace Patrice (10:19):
And you know also.
So part of the reason why I hadjust anticipated putting my
coat on and leaving, or keepingmy coat on and leaving, it was
late, it was already about 11o'clock and it's I was being
conscious of her time with herhusband as well.
So you know, I didn't want toimpose, but to have her, want me
(10:39):
to be there in that time andnot feel like, oh, if I stay,
I'm a burden or I'm imposing.
It was, please stay.
Janet Hale (10:52):
It was that opening of the door, opening of the arms
.
So may I so not everybody'slistening to this book, but I've
been listening know that I'm arecovering alcoholic and I had
many years cleaning and I had arelapse.
And I had many years cleaning,I had a relapse and I remember
when I went back to the supportgroup.
Candace Patrice (11:11):
Can you remind us?
Janet Hale (11:12):
how long that gap was.
I don't remember, because Ikept saying seven years and I
don't think it was that long,but anyway, it was a relapse and
it was horrible and it kickedmy tail.
Candace Patrice (11:20):
Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe I have a question.
Janet Hale (11:22):
What's that?
So I was clean for 14 years.
I was clean for 14 years andI'm not sure how long the
relapse was.
I don't think it was.
Candace Patrice (11:31):
as long as I keep saying oh no, I meant the
distant, the time between thesober time.
You said it was 14 years.
Before you went back, yourelapsed.
Janet Hale (11:39):
Right.
Candace Patrice (11:40):
Got it.
Janet Hale (11:40):
Right.
And so when I went back um, andI'll never forget walking into
the room and I was like you know, I'm like I had to relax, and
they said we've been waiting foryou.
That hit me a certain kind ofway, in a good way, because it
wasn't about being ashamed thatyou had to relapse, that you're
(12:02):
a human being, and that happenedit was.
We're glad you made it back,because not everybody gets back,
but not only that.
We've been waiting for you.
She was I'm trying not to sayher name like she was waiting
for you.
You didn't know that.
Like you said, I'm trying towhatever, but when someone is
(12:24):
waiting for us, it's a beautifulfeeling.
It's more than just beingaccepted.
Candace Patrice (12:34):
Yeah.
Janet Hale (12:35):
You know what I mean , because they're anticipating
your arrival.
Candace Patrice (12:39):
You know there is a woman I met in the
beginning of the school year whohad gone through some, or has
was going through some personalstruggles and you know I shared
with her that I was a mindsetdevelopment coach and all of
these things.
And she's like girl, I'm gonnaneed you, I'm gonna need you,
but I don't have the funds rightnow.
But I continue to show up forher whatever capacity, whenever
(13:03):
she calls or anything.
And I remember her asking formy Zelle and she sent $20 to my
business just because she wantedto sow a seed.
But even more recently she sentme a message.
It was like hey, can you meetme?
I have something for you.
And she gave me a card justthanking me for being there for
(13:24):
her and accepting her for all ofwho she was and who she is.
And it was $45 in there as well.
And when I received it I feltso undeserving, very grateful,
but because I wasn't doinganything to get anything in
(13:45):
return, all I wanted to do wasrespond whenever she needed me,
check in to make sure she wasokay and just be a sister of
community to her.
It wasn't about just be a sisterof community to her.
It wasn't about it's not what Ican do for her, just be there,
because people just need us tobe there.
And when I, you know I use thatword undeserving and it's
(14:07):
actually really perfect segueinto our topic for today, which
is imposter syndrome.
And imposter syndrome is afeeling of self-doubt or
fraudulence that causes peopleto believe they aren't good
enough, despite the evidence tothe contrary.
So, and it says, people withimposter syndrome may feel like
(14:31):
they don't deserve theiraccomplishments and fear being
exposed as a fraud.
And it's like part of me andsometimes when we receive things
, we feel like now I'm indebtedor I owe something to this
person.
But obviously that's just amindset to be able to, just as I
(14:52):
was giving.
It just so happens that herrepayment for her, what she saw
to be worthy, was to give me atoken in the form of a monetary
contribution.
But we are deserving of thethings we receive and we have to
be able to lean into that andlike even the meal for me to
(15:17):
come in.
And you know, I'm like I don'twant to be in her space too long
this night.
Be with her.
You know she gotta be with herhusband.
She's like, girl, come here,eat this meal and feel like and
I'm talking to her like man, Idon't deserve you as a friend.
She's like I don't deserve youas a friend.
Now here we are feeling like wedon't both in your imposter
syndrome moments but clearly weare both so deserving of each
(15:41):
other that we bring differentaspects to the relationship, you
know, and there are other.
There's another situation ofsomeone who just tells me that
I'm the greatest speaker of alltime, and I hear her say that
and I'm like because she's goodtoo, I'm the greatest speaker of
all time, and I hear her saythat and I'm like I'm like one
day she gonna realize I ain't asgood as she think I am.
(16:02):
Like you know, this is in theback of my head, but reality,
why not lean into that andcontinue to believe I am
deserving of being called thegreatest speaker?
You know it's.
I think sometimes we don't wantto, or at least I don't want to
take the humbleness out of it.
I don't ever want to get on ahigh horse of oh well, I know
(16:24):
now, and it's so weird.
It's like so many thoughtprocesses that happens as you
continue to grow and get intoplaces and spaces with people
who are quote unquote better orbigger names and things because
of people, how they have viewedthem or how they have put them
in places and spaces ofhierarchy, when in reality they
(16:49):
are the same people we are withmore accolades from someone else
, but we're just as deserving.
You want to say something?
Janet Hale (16:58):
I see you in the face and your breath yeah, in my
breath too.
I'm sorry.
Okay, the imposter syndrome andyou know about the folks that I
work with that took me undertheir wing and I'm talking had
me in a position where I wassitting in places that were the
(17:22):
chef, the butler, the maid.
All this is happening.
I'm sitting at this table and Iremember sitting there thinking
I'm at this place, in thisplace, at this table, in this
seat, because it is meant for mein this seat because it is
meant for me.
I remember that.
So like I didn't even feel likeyou know, you would have
(17:46):
thought I grew up in all that.
I was like no, I'm deserving ofit.
And I've also had moments whereI've been in situations that
felt like, oh well, I don't know.
But I don't sit in that parttoo long.
I don't sit in that too longbecause I'm a firm believer that
we get what was coming anyway.
I'm a firm believer in that.
And I was listening to you talkabout the young lady that you
(18:08):
assisted and then you were onlythere to serve right.
You were, you were being aservant, and I mean that in the
best way.
Candace Patrice (18:18):
Yes.
Janet Hale (18:19):
Okay.
And so then, when she wanted toreciprocate, you got caught up,
in my opinion, and this is withlove and your ego, because that
ego and I'm going to tell you,I don't know if you're ready for
this one, but ego can alsostand for edging God out.
Okay, Ego right.
(18:40):
And so I think when we get intothat because sometimes I get
(19:00):
into that a little bit is thatwe cheat that other person from
showing their appreciation andtheir love and their way of
caring and their way of showingup, because we're caught up in
the ego, I will say, and notinto the heart of the matter.
And I think you understood it,but you got caught up, you know
what I mean.
Like you got caught up becausethat was her way of showing you
I appreciate what you've done,and so here is my token of
appreciation.
(19:21):
Not that I feel I owe youanything because.
I don't really I wasn't there,but I don't think that was her
side of the story.
It was my way of saying thankyou so much.
I really appreciate you andperiod, and that's it.
So I'm glad you allowed her tospace, even though you went
through whatever you were.
You know a little bit, but yeah.
Candace Patrice (19:42):
And even in that you know it was
undeservingness.
However, the gratitude thatcomes with it, because I did
recognize and understand that Idon't think she thought she owed
me anything.
It was that token of love.
But it's like, you know, it'syou get caught off guard.
So sometimes it's like wow meand I think we've had this
(20:05):
conversation before.
It's like you, you want to showthis to me.
Wow, what did I do to deservethis?
You know, but I'm so grateful.
I am so grateful because youdid not have to, but you chose
to.
So thank you.
You know, the end result camewith a thank you you know so
(20:26):
absolutely.
Janet Hale (20:29):
Yeah, it's, it's, it's um.
That's an interesting topic.
I didn't know we were going togo there with this but uh, it's
just interesting when we getinto, whether we feel worthy or
not, we're always worthy of whatis great, and what belongs to
us will come to us, and fromyour dude, todd.
Candace Patrice (20:51):
I want to say it so bad.
Janet Hale (20:55):
Pass the mic, todd, go ahead.
Transformation Church.
Oh, stop it.
There's only one us, one me,there's one Janet, there's one.
I want that.
Now there's only one us.
And guess what?
Live in it, love it, cherish it.
Don't try to be like anybodyelse.
Don't get caught up in theimposter syndrome and I'm not
(21:18):
worthy.
No, we are worthy.
We are worthy every day that weshow up.
We're worthy when we wake up inthe day.
We're worthy when we wake up,when we breathe this air.
We are worthy and I heard thisfrom somebody else.
But when we take the time backto look at what other people are
doing, we're taking time awayfrom ourselves.
Candace Patrice (21:41):
Yeah, so let's just stay present.
Janet Hale (21:44):
Stay present in our own space, because it's our
space, our own individual spacethat the creator has created
just for us individual spacethat the creator has created
just for us.
Candace Patrice (22:00):
Also, we have had that conversation about
Oprah wanting to be like BarbaraWalters and how she ended up
flourishing because at somepoint she recognized her own
greatness and stepped intoherself.
Janet Hale (22:15):
Well, that too.
But when she said that toBarbara Walters, Barbara Walters
said there's already a BarbaraWalters, you need to go ahead
and be an Oprah.
Candace Patrice (22:25):
So that's when she realized that.
That part?
Yeah, yep, but there wassomething that had to happen.
And because if our ceiling issomeone else, how do we rise
above it?
And still I rise.
Come on, come on.
Janet Hale (22:40):
Oh, we doing this.
Candace Patrice (22:41):
We're going there, oh, we doing this, yes,
and and even you know as beingthe only one of ourselves, our
destination can't look likesomeone else's destination it
cannot, it cannot.
Because then, how do we achieveour greatest greatness?
We?
Janet Hale (23:00):
can't look like someone else's destination.
Candace Patrice (23:01):
It cannot, it cannot.
Because then, how do we achieveour greatest greatness?
We can't, we cannot.
Janet Hale (23:06):
And from the mouth of time.
We don't want a replacement,and the way that was broken down
was so beautiful.
Candace Patrice (23:15):
Yes.
Janet Hale (23:15):
Because you're looking at somebody else and
what they're doing and you allmessed up and you got caught up
and lost and somebody thatreplaced your position whatever
that position is opposed tostaying focused on the role
that's set before you.
That's in your lane.
Stay in our own lane.
Candace Patrice (23:34):
Oh, this is a good one too.
Come on, come on Relationships.
Oh this is a good one, tooRelationships.
We get into relationships andthere's someone who we're
attracted to but we want tosometimes want to know what it
is that they like, what it isthat they want, and we try to
mend ourselves to be like whatit is that they want and like,
(23:55):
opposed to saying if who I amisn't enough for you, then this
isn't where I need to be.
And also even deeper, when we'relooking at infidelity and a
partner trying to seek and areyou doing this with somebody
else?
Well, baby, somebody once toldme somebody told me, if they, if
(24:19):
they can take you, they canhave you, because I am.
Janet Hale (24:24):
No, that's, that's real true, and you can.
Candace Patrice (24:27):
you have to choose me, just like I choose
you, but I'm choosing.
I'm choosing all of you, period, and I need you to choose all
of me, period.
And that that plays into theimposter syndrome too, because
if you are constantly trying tomend yourself to them, for
(24:47):
somebody else.
There you go, you can't be yourtrue, authentic self, you can't
flourish, and then you find ithard to keep up in that
relationship because now you'renot practicing something that's
natural and normal.
Janet Hale (24:59):
And I also want to take that not just from the,
because it sounds like you'retalking from a romantic
relationship.
Yes, I'm OK and I'm speaking onall relationships, I'm speaking
on friendships and all thosethings, because you're going to
have to accept the Janet.
That's within me, period.
Because if you cannot, that'sOK, that's okay.
I mean, you know it's fine, goon the down the street, I'm fine
(25:20):
with that too, and so, even ifI'm in a space where someone
approaches me and I'm notcomfortable, I'm okay with that
not being okay.
This is not a time for us,Because please know that the
authentic person is really forall of us all of you that are
listening is the one you reallywant to know.
(25:41):
Period In all our relationships.
Candace Patrice (25:46):
That also goes into employment.
Okay, alright, come on.
When we are at a job and we play, a position, we should do it to
the best of our ability and notbe afraid of the person coming
under us, Cause sometimes youknow they say you're training
your replacement.
(26:07):
But if you've done what you aresupposed to do to the greatest
ability that you can do it, yourposition may be, you may be
getting a promotion.
So train that next person to bethe greatest version so that
whatever it is that you have todo, they can do their part even
better for you.
But when you begin to lack andslack and try not to get
(26:27):
somebody better, then you putyourself in a position of the
underdog, Cause now you have,now you've been promoted.
Here's a good one, oh okay, ohokay, Wait, Okay.
So there was a man and I don'tknow if this is just a story
that I've heard, but let's justcall it a story so there's a guy
(26:50):
who was a builder and someonegave him money to build a home.
The home, let's say, was$100,000.
He said you got $100,000.
I want you to build this home.
So the guy says, okay, butinstead of putting the money
into the home to make it thebest home, he cut a bunch of
corners so that he could pocketthe majority of the money.
(27:13):
What happened was after the homewas built and everything, and
he told the guy is ready for him.
He said great, I'm glad youbuilt this home.
Because you built your home,this is now your home Now.
Janet Hale (27:25):
I love it.
I love it.
Candace Patrice (27:28):
He done it to the best of his ability and made
it the sturdiest home that hecould, knowing that he could
have.
He would have had the greatesthome because his hands, he was
the builder of that home.
However, because he was focusedon something else Ooh, focus,
that was a part of it he wasfocused on something else.
He didn't get the greatest ofwhat he could have had, and
that's the same as thatemployment.
(27:49):
Be the greatest at which.
Because you now, if you're, ifyou, you just trained your
assistant to not be greatbecause you were afraid of them
taking your position.
Nobody can take your positionbecause, as we just said, you
are the only you and lean intothat.
(28:09):
Go ahead, I see you.
Janet Hale (28:11):
Uh huh, the list, ok , ok.
So there are two things.
And we talk about thereplacement.
I remember being on aparticular job and I didn't have
as much education as I have nowand someone was coming in who
had more.
I was told you're going to betraining the person that's going
to take this job.
Oh, okay, really All right,then let's do this.
(28:34):
And I remember when I met herand she came in and we were
working together and I was goingto train her to the best of my
ability because I wanted her tobe great, because in her being
great was show the gifts that Ihad brought to the table, that I
had trained her really well.
Candace Patrice (28:51):
So you, know be the best you can be.
Janet Hale (28:55):
And so I remember her and I having some
conversation because you know Iwas feeling some kind of.
I remember her and I havingsome conversation because you
know I was feeling some kind ofway about it and I was very open
and honest.
Sometimes we have to learn howto be vulnerable in situations
and things.
And so when I said to her Isaid you know it's not a you
thing, I said, but sometimes I'mhaving a problem with training
you to take the position that Ihad and it's not your fault or
(29:16):
anything I said.
And so we taught and so westarted like meditating in the
morning and getting together.
I mean ended up close and itwas just a beautiful thing and
we thought about it.
I said, you know, this couldhave turned out all different,
but no, we didn't do that, wetalked about it.
I was very authentic and honestabout what I was going through.
(29:37):
That had nothing to do with her.
Make that very clear.
Did the training?
She was great, everything wentfine and she's still great.
You know her and she has herown business now.
She is doing just fantastic.
But yeah, when we're trainingsomeone a replacement or someone
(30:04):
to take up a replacement.
Let's do the best job that wecan, because for me that's like
you know.
I want you to do well.
If I'm training you, because Iwant it to be said well, you
know Jenna trains her.
You know you're doingeverything backwards.
No, not that.
The other thing when youmentioned about building that
home, I remember being in theworkshop, and in this workshop
(30:24):
they had you think of someoneyou love very much, like this.
You just love them so much.
Now write down all the thingsyou wish for them.
So so, write down all thethings you wish for them.
So everybody's writing andthey're going Right, right.
(30:48):
So when it was done, iseveryone finished?
Everybody, yes, it said thatlist is for you.
Wow Isn said that list is foryou.
Wow, isn't that deep.
Candace Patrice (31:02):
Well, the deepness is that I had a group
of teenagers do that years ago,my very first speaking
engagement at a school, and Itold them to, I asked them who
was their favorite person and towrite down all of the qualities
of that person and I believe Itold them that that was a
(31:25):
reflection of themselves, or youknow, I don't remember exactly
how I worded it, but you sayingthat just full circle moment how
that was in my mind years agoyes, wow.
Janet Hale (31:40):
Okay.
So that was just veryinteresting because everybody
was writing down, you know,their kids, whatever, whatever,
and I want them to have a goodlife and I want them to have
education and I want them tohave peace and I want them to
have happiness.
You know, because, as a certainyou know, after you've been on
this earth for a minute, you hadsome bumps and bruises, a few
things that went down in yourlife.
But they're talking and they'rewriting all these things and
(32:04):
when they said, now that's foryou.
And what was interesting aboutthat is that a few people had a
hard time accepting that part.
It was easier to write thatdown about somebody else and
wanting that for someone else,but that person they love so
dearly.
Candace Patrice (32:21):
Yeah.
Janet Hale (32:21):
But it became difficult when it was time to
reflect and look at yourself andsay, oh, I deserve this.
Candace Patrice (32:27):
Yeah, yeah.
Janet Hale (32:28):
This is for me, this list belongs to me, so that and
that can fall into the impostersyndrome as well, if you think
about it, because you knowyou're the person you love you
feel is worthy of all thesewonderful things, but when it
was time for you, you didn't seethat, or it was more difficult
for you to see that.
Candace Patrice (32:48):
Yeah, You're writing, so go ahead.
No, I'm not writing, I amlooking at something.
So there are five differenttypes of imposter syndrome.
Janet Hale (33:00):
Yeah.
Candace Patrice (33:01):
There's the perfectionist, and this person
believes they could have donebetter if they weren't so
imperfect, feels like they'renot as good as others think they
are.
I sometimes fall into thatperfectionist.
The expert feels like theydon't know everything there is
(33:23):
to know about a subject, fearsbeing exposed as inexperienced
and underrates their ownexpertise.
Then there is the naturalgenius.
They set unrealisticexpectations for themselves.
They feel like a fraud if theydon't succeed on their first try
(33:43):
and they believe they mustpossess a natural talent the
natural genius.
Then there's the soloist.
Questions their competence orabilities because they had to
ask for help to reach a certainlevel or stature.
I think a lot of people.
The soloist one, because askingfor help is something a lot of
(34:07):
people don't want to do, in myopinion, something a lot of
people don't want to do, in myopinion, especially if you've
been hurt or dismissed whenasking for help at a time in
your life.
Then the last one is thesuperhuman, and the superhuman
wants to be good at everything.
Can you relate to any?
Janet Hale (34:27):
of those.
I was yeah, the one before that, the soloist Mm-hmm, and I
actually had the experience withthat and, well, I didn't quite
understand something and Ididn't want.
You know, everybody that waswatching knew I didn't get it,
but I didn't want to be exposed.
I was like uh-uh.
(34:48):
They were like no, we're goingto help you do this.
I'm like not in front ofeverybody, no, and they were so
patient and so kind and soloving and so supportive, and so
I mean I was like, okay, andthat helps when vulnerability is
(35:11):
such a big thing, though,because sometimes we have to
learn to let that guard down.
No, I don't understand this.
No, I don't know how.
Yes, I do need help with this.
And guess what?
It's OK if everybody in themeeting knows it, but what's
interesting, though, about thattoo, is when're hiding because
(35:32):
it's a form of hiding people seeyou, they already know or you
get left behind because youdidn't ask the questions.
Oh well, no, Okay yeah.
Candace Patrice (35:44):
Because now you get new information and you
still don't know how to connectit to the information you didn't
ask the question about.
Janet Hale (35:49):
I'm not going further.
No, I'm going to call you.
I'm going to call somebodybecause I'm no, no, no, no.
And you know that, candace, I'mgoing to figure.
You know I'm going to callsomebody, but for me, I was just
speaking about being in anenvironment where there were
others looking and not wantingto be exposed to the fact that I
(36:10):
did not understand, and thegroup and you talked about being
in different spaces that.
I was in a space of safety, Iwas in a space of caring, I was
in the space of compassion, Iwas in a space of patience, like
you know.
We're going to work with her,yeah, we're all going to work
(36:34):
with her, we're all good, and so, yeah.
So I think I would fallsometimes more in the soloist
part of it, because aperfectionist I am not.
I mean, I don't even try to bethat.
I'd be like, nope, this is it,you got it.
Here I am.
What were the other ones?
Candace Patrice (36:54):
I'm sorry, the perfectionist, the expert, the
natural genius, the soloist andthe superhuman.
Janet Hale (37:02):
Yeah, I think that was more that one.
What about you I?
I can't look at the list,because I'm a mess up and make
noise, so um, well, okay.
Candace Patrice (37:15):
So the soloist I think as a kid I may have
struggled just a little bitbecause questions took up time.
Nobody wanted to sit through it.
Um, but as I got, as I'mgetting older, I'm the person in
the room and they're like suchas such any questions like me.
So I don't understand this part.
(37:37):
But it's helpful because askingall but and and it actually is
really helpful to ask questions,especially as a coach, because
being able to ask the rightquestions or being a host, being
able to ask the right questionsis very important.
So I don't have the soloistpart, especially.
If I did, I definitely don'tanymore.
(37:58):
I'm the perfectionist.
Yes, I can struggle with thatbecause I want everything to be
done well, and if I can't do itwell, then I kind of freeze
sometimes and it's I actuallyokay.
I remember writing a paper inhigh school.
Janet Hale (38:19):
I was reading some of my Did I write it or did you
write it?
I'm just kidding.
Candace Patrice (38:23):
No, by high school, by high school.
I was doing mine by high school.
All right, it's a senior yearat that.
So, but I had read some of myold papers and I was I mean like
from middle school, elementary,and I was like these are
actually pretty good and Ithought about how much time I
put into those papers trying tomake them perfect.
Well, this one day in senioryear I probably had one class
(38:46):
period to get this whole paperdone, and I remembered how
simple the papers were, but theytook so much time.
So I was like, well, you got anhour, so it's time to pump it
out, and I literally juststarted typing things as they
came out of me and they madesense.
I did well on the paper.
I didn't put I don't want tosay I didn't put too much
thought in it, but I didn't puttoo much pressure into it and
(39:09):
was able to knock out this paperpretty quickly.
The superhuman who wants to begood at everything yeah,
definitely struggle with that.
Actually, I don't struggle withit because I definitely think
I'm superhuman and I am good ateverything and I can do
everything.
However, I don't have the timeto do everything, so that's
that's what my issue is theydone, messed up and told me I
(39:32):
can be anything, I can doanything, I'm powerful.
I was like, oh, my subconsciousbelieving Cause I didn't say it
so much, but I can doeverything, I can be anything.
I am every woman.
Okay, that is me.
So when it comes to that, theexpert feels like they don't
know everything there is to knowabout a subject.
I know a lot about the subjectthat I'm considered an expert in
(39:56):
.
However, I do want to continueto learn and learn and learn and
.
I don't think that's a problem.
I don't think I actuallystruggle in that area, but I
also don't know that.
I know enough a lot of timesand I know a lot.
So the natural genius setsunrealistic expectations for
themselves.
I'm a natural genius in time,so I set unrealistic
(40:19):
expectations on time.
I think I can do 50 things inone day and also do them in two
hours.
That is so unrealistic.
And then I go and have heartpalpitations because I'm running
late and couldn't do it all atthe time frame that I
unrealistically set for myself.
Hence today I am going on ahiatus and a do not disturb so
(40:43):
that I don't have anything tolook at.
I have to respond to anyone oranything Now.
Tomorrow morning I might freakout when it comes back off of Do
Not Disturb, but I'm chillingtoday, Chilling.
Janet Hale (40:55):
I'm listening to you and it makes me and I've always
been but it makes me gratefulfor recovery, because I'm not
perfect, and I know it.
(41:15):
And it's not about perfection,it's about progress, and so
those are some of the thingsthat are in me and it took that
for me to be able to say certainthings about being hippie and
the thing that you I'm notreligious, you know and being
okay in that space and not, youknow, trying to be accepted for
(41:41):
other people to their belief,try to adapt to their belief
system to be accepted.
So that's the part that whenI'm listening, I'm like woo okay
, not that I don't go in and outof those spaces sometimes but,
the main one is the one thesoloist.
For me, yeah, it's the soloist,but when you were talking I was
(42:08):
like, woo, thank goodness forrecovery, man, because it's like
you know, and I've been througha lot and you know, and I've
done some things that I've doneand I've had to make peace with
some things and accept them, andthe whole thing about God
grabbed me to serenityity, toaccept the things that I cannot
(42:30):
change, the courage to changethe things I can, and the wisdom
to know the difference.
And a lot of times I do fall onthat and I do it subconsciously
.
I'm not even saying the wholespeech.
Well, let me figure that out.
What I didn't know, I was goingto share but I'm going to, and
I know we're almost done becauseI know she's going to be like
let's talk about it Is that Irealized that Brandon has been
(42:58):
dead for nine years.
Candace Patrice (43:04):
As of February, somewhere around here.
Janet Hale (43:06):
Guess what?
I made the connection thatKamari's her birth date.
You know her age is equivalentto how long Brandon's been gone.
And then it took me to howthings will die.
(43:32):
People will die, but life willalso come, and some kind of way
I made that connection.
I was like first I was like nineyears and I was counting on my
fingers everybody, because shedo the math, not me.
So I was like 16, 17, 18, 19,20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25.
Whoa, that's nine years.
(43:55):
Nine years, and in those nineyears there's been a celebration
of his life and the celebrationof my sugar baby.
And they both can happen and betrue at my sugar baby, and they
both can happen and be true atthe same time.
How beautiful is that.
Candace Patrice (44:17):
It's so beautiful, so beautiful.
Janet Hale (44:20):
What are you looking at?
Candace Patrice (44:22):
You know, I realize I don't know Brandon's
date of death.
Janet Hale (44:28):
The 16th.
Candace Patrice (44:29):
It is the 16th.
Janet Hale (44:31):
Of this month, I know that's why.
Date of death the 16th.
Candace Patrice (44:33):
It's the 16th Of this month.
I know that's why.
Janet Hale (44:36):
I said, when you said nine years, it hit me.
I'm telling you, I was likewhoa, I saw it hit you.
Candace Patrice (44:41):
No, I said it.
I was like almost to the date.
Oh, okay, yeah, because I knowit's February, but I don't, I
guess, because I don't celebratehis death.
I celebrate we saved his life.
We celebrate his life, yeah.
Janet Hale (44:56):
But I'm just saying because we do that.
Candace Patrice (44:59):
Because we do that, I don't know his date of
death.
That's what I'm saying, thatpart.
Janet Hale (45:02):
Okay, whoa, and then .
So when that because every nowand then that will come my way
Okay, that grief will hit me andI was like whoa, nine years.
(45:25):
Oh, my goodness, yeah, and justkind of roll with it, just like
okay and breathe.
When I was talking to youearlier, just like okay and
breathe.
Candace Patrice (45:34):
When.
Janet Hale (45:35):
I was talking earlier, I said, candice,
breathe, because sometimes wejust got to breathe through it
and understand that you know.
And then look at the life.
It's almost now.
This is going to sound weirdand you might cut me off and
this may not play weird and youmight cut me off and this may
not play, but it's almost likethe universe knows what it's
(45:56):
doing.
I may not understand it and youmay not understand it, and it's
like before and this is weird.
So you're going to cut it outand I don't care.
But before I take him, I willgift you with another life and
(46:21):
that's just the hippie and mecoming out on the podcast.
Candace Patrice (46:27):
And we always say that everything happens the
way it's supposed to happen, andthat is exactly what you just
said Exactly.
It's weird.
I think she said it's been fouryears and so she was sharing
(46:53):
the stages of her grief and howthe first year was just complete
delusion.
She's like I don't remember thefirst year.
The second year was, I guess,when she started recognizing the
grief process and maybe seekinghelp.
I believe was seeking help yeartwo, no year three.
(47:14):
I believe was seeking help andgetting a therapist Cause.
That's when things start.
She was able to begin anyways.
The point of me saying this isthat grief happens in different
stages and there is no timelimit on the grief.
There is no way that it looksfor one individual.
One person may be able togrieve someone.
(47:39):
It will look different.
It will look different oneveryone.
It may look easier for someoneelse than it does another person
.
They may be able to handlegrief in one area or by a
particular person easier than ina different area and another
person, and it may not makesense to those around them.
(48:02):
But we definitely have to besensitive to people's grief
process and know that it's theirprocess.
They're the only one of them,which means they can only handle
it their way.
And even as we share our ownstories, let them be just that,
(48:23):
not advice, but the sharing of astory, and they can take what
they want from it or leave itall there whatever it is.
So we got real heavy in the endhere.
Janet Hale (48:35):
Well, you know, that's what we do.
That's what we do.
But I did want to say this,though, because I was looking at
Mama's picture my mother was abeautiful woman, everybody and
realizing that they've been deadfor over 22 years.
You made it up they died in2003.
(48:56):
Wow, so right.
So 23, 24, 25.
Candace Patrice (49:02):
21, only because.
Janet Hale (49:04):
Oh, because it's the beginning of the year, or?
Candace Patrice (49:06):
end of the year .
I got you, I got you?
Janet Hale (49:10):
No, it's just all those.
When you talked about thedifferent stages and how we
grieve different peopledifferently and I love the
grieving process is the grievingprocess for that person and
that person alone.
And when we keep that in mind,allow people their space to do
(49:31):
whatever it is they need to dobecause it's their space.
This grieving is for them, it'snot for anyone else.
Mm-hmm, it is their stuff.
Candace Patrice (49:43):
Mm-hmm.
Janet Hale (49:43):
And when I think of Brandon, there's a sweet spot.
It's right there Like it's sospot.
It's right there Like it's sosacred, it's so crazy, like I'll
be like, hmm, you got thatlittle spot right there.
You know what I mean.
And so for my parents there's aspot Like that's their spot.
Candace Patrice (50:05):
Yeah.
Janet Hale (50:06):
Period you know.
So this life, this journey isso beautiful.
The tears of it all, all of it.
Candace Patrice (50:17):
If you're a parent who watches Bluey, well,
there's a lot of emotion that goin there, and it's now to the
point where my daughter looks atme at the end of each episode
just to see if I got tears in myeyes.
Ain't that wrong?
She's so wrong, but do you everhave tears in your eyes?
Almost every episode it's sogood.
And then she knows there's onethat get me real good.
(50:39):
She's like you want to watchthe Sign.
I'll be like.
No, Kamari, I'm not trying tohave floodgates of my eyes
happening, kind of how you didme your line to Adams.
Janet Hale (50:49):
Yeah, remember you used to do that to me.
Candace Patrice (50:51):
Yep, I'm going to do it to you soon too.
Brought it up, but if anybodyis struggling in any way, shape
or form and need help, you candial 988, text 988, the suicide
prevention lifeline, which isopen 24 hours a day, seven days
a week, 365 days a year.
Of course, we always tell youto find your place in space,
(51:14):
what works for you, don't hide.
Don't hide Because havingcommunity is a part of the
process and there's so much tolearn in community.
So if there is a place, a group, a person, a number that you
(51:36):
can call or go to to workthrough whatever it is, you know
we try to give as many ways towork through whatever it is in
all kinds of unconventional ways.
We have different stories ofpeople who've been through
things and how they've overcomeusing their mind, spirituality,
(51:59):
physical things, therapists,counselors, many, many different
avenues and ways to heal fromwhatever it is that you need
healing from, which is somethingwe try.
So just knowing that you canget through whatever it is, and
(52:19):
we encourage you to see lifethrough, to get to that light,
and it may take longer for youthan it does someone else, it
may be shorter for you than itis someone else but having a
nonjudgmental place and space tobe, knowing how sacred that is.
If you have made it throughsome things and life is a little
(52:43):
easier for you, be a safe placefor someone else.
Go ahead, mom.
Janet Hale (52:49):
I think you hit it right at the end.
When you see someone who ishiding, but you know that they
are, let them know that you seethem, because if we see
something let's do something,because not everyone is able to,
(53:10):
not everyone knows how not tohide.
But if we see someone who ishiding and is able to provide a
support for them, for a safeplace, that's kind of what you
get on For us to do that untilthey're able to do some of the
things on their own.
Candace Patrice (53:30):
Absolutely.
You can follow us at EssentialMotivation LLC Candice, patrice
underscore EM Instagram.
Essential Motivation Facebook.
Essentialmotivationcom is thewebsite, hellempowermentllccom
is Janet's website and, ofcourse, we would just love to
(53:51):
have your feedback and thank youall so much.
Always remember to love hard,forgive often and laugh frequent
.
Thanks, guys, bye.
Janet Hale (54:01):
Bye-bye.
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