April 8, 2024 • 44 mins
Grief is a journey, but navigating it after losing your spouse can feel especially isolating. In this episode of Every Widow Thing, we explore the often-overlooked topic of boundaries.
This episode is a must-listen for any widow or widower feeling overwhelmed, unheard, or unsure of how to move forward. Join us as we break down the power of boundaries and empower you to reclaim control after loss.
This episode is sponsored by meredithschlosser.com
Expert real estate agent in Los Angeles and surrounding areas.
This episode is also sponsored by spiritpieces.com/everywidowthing
Beautiful creation jewelry and glass art for people and pets.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Young widows, we're brushed aside, we're swept under the
rug. We're hurry up and get married
again. Move on with your life.
Get over it. And I don't think people are
like, looking at what that really means.
What? What does that mean for someone
that's gone through it? What does that mean for their
family dynamic? What does that mean for their
kids? What does that mean for their
friendships? The whole 9 yards.
(00:22):
This is every widow thing. Hi everyone.
We are so excited that you are here with us today.
I did want to give a little shout out to our sponsors.
We have sponsors. This episode is brought to you
in part by Meredith Schlosser. She's a real estate agent out of
Los Angeles. And we also have a sponsor
(00:45):
called spiritpieces.com. It is beautiful cremation,
jewelry and glass art. All right now with the program.
Today's episode is about boundaries, and I think we've
all had some issues. With.
Keeping boundaries. I know for me, my husband was
the gatekeeper and I could just throw it all on him.
(01:08):
Oh, Hunter said no. Oh, I'm so sorry.
But Hunter said no, and he's still.
Saying no. He's saying no, but no one else
can hear it but me. So I've had to really learn
about creating boundaries, you know, for myself, yeah.
That's kind of my new hero traitwhen I meet people because
(01:29):
that's always been difficult forme.
So I've always been like a yes person.
And obviously that changed immensely after I lost my
spouse. Whenever I meet people that just
very calmly and coolly say, hey,you know, that's not going to
work for me or that's not going to work for my kid or that's not
how my family, you know, does things, I'm just in awe of those
(01:53):
people. You know what I just heard?
This is so funny. I know.
No coincidences. I just heard this last night.
Remember the Olsen twins from Full House?
And now they do. You know, they're always.
Amazing clothing. I don't know.
I think they're in their 30s, which.
Is crazy. But they said recently or not
recently. It was an old clip, But they
said no is a full sentence. No is a full sentence.
(02:18):
And that was one thing that my husband used to tell me all the
time when I'd be writing emails to people or something.
He'd be like, too many words, too many words.
But I'm like, no, I need to explain that things are really
hard right now. And I've got this and that.
He's like, no, just short and sweet.
Yeah, no is a full sentence. I love that.
Thank you, Olsen Twins. I read somewhere that like over
(02:41):
explaining is sort of a symptom not being heard as a child or
something. Not really.
Being. That's.
Heard or validated? It can also be a Southern thing
too. Like I worked for a guy from the
on the East Coast. I was on the West Coast, but he
was an E Coaster and he said when you say you're not able to
(03:02):
make it, just say I'm not able to make it not I'm not able to
make it because I got to do this, this, this, he said.
That's enough. That ought to be enough.
No. Why do we do that?
Because I do that all the time and I'll type an e-mail or a
text and I'm like, rereading it.I'm like they don't need to know
why I'm saying no or. I'm a people pleaser, so for me,
(03:23):
I don't want anybody to be mad. I want to make sure that they
understand that, oh, this is a really hard decision, even if it
wasn't you know, so I is that part of it for?
Yeah, you. For you, Holly, you.
Want to justify it or something?Yeah, don't be mad at me.
Right. They're going to be mad anyway.
Doesn't even have a good. Reason why I'm not, you know,
(03:46):
coming to the party or. But I find on the other end now
if people are overexlaining to me, I feel like they're just
trying to convince me. You know, maybe they didn't want
to hang out with me. That's fine.
Just feel like, hey, I don't want to hang out with you
tonight. Don't be like.
And the cat's sick and the because then you're like, wait,
(04:07):
wasn't the cat sickly? Right, it starts to sound like a
lot I. Have a sick cat that that's
like. Trouble yesterday or the day
before? And now my cat said no A.
Real. Kira, I remember I was supposed
to go On this date, and that's awhile ago and I did not want to
go and that was. Just a couple weeks ago.
It was. Like a month ago.
(04:28):
No, I don't want to. Go and I didn't want to go.
And Kira's like, well, just say your dog is sick and I'm like,
well, I can't say that because it's not true.
And finally I was like, I can't make it tonight.
And you didn't say good for you,that's progress, that's progress
it. Is and that it's so hard.
I think especially when you're just as a widow or a single
(04:52):
parent, people tend to forget that and they expect you to keep
up as if there is another personin the house and that that's
it's. That's not the case, and you get
overextended very quickly if youdon't have your boundaries.
So, OK, let's talk graduation. Which coming out.
(05:15):
Already been through. So Zach's graduating and all the
family's coming and I'm like having so much anxiety over
everyone's staying at my house and and my sister was going to
sleep in my room with me and I was like, wait a second, I'm
(05:38):
going to need my own space. And y'all all said, you need
somewhere to retreat. To This is one of those moments
that we talked about where the grief is going to come into play
more so than usual. Your husband would.
You'd be doing this together to milestone and.
You need nothing against my sister asleep, you know.
(05:58):
Although you do kind of laugh. But, you know, at any end of
time would be fine. But I was like, there's going to
be like eight people in my house.
We're going to be trying to get ready for graduation.
And I'm having a party at my house.
I was like, so much anxiety. Well, you need some place to be
alone so that if you want to break down or right or you need
(06:18):
to regroup, that's your safe place.
I mean, honestly, my mom used tolive with me and I had to set
that boundary and it took her. And let her stay in your room.
She wanted to sleep with me. But even you, Lacey talking
about when you would go visit and your mom would be like well,
you and. And she and and it took the
(06:43):
grief therapist to to say that'snot going to work for you.
But because things have changed.We're down a man, as Kyra says.
I love that saying. I have a couple of saying one
from Hollywood, from you and from you that I've taken in.
And I say them a lot like we're down a man.
I'm not the same person I was then.
Yeah, I could go with the flow alot more than than I can now.
(07:03):
Because now I like you. With graduation you have to
anticipate some grief is going to roll in and it may not.
You may be so fortunate that youdon't have any of that and it's
wistful and it and it breezes inand out, but it's best to be
prepared for it and have your space.
So now you know, my mom, back when things were good, she was
(07:24):
fine with that. She would get right or his own
room. I would get my space and it all
worked out after that. But it took me setting the
boundary, and that's the hardeststep that all of us have to
make. When I think people want us to
be who we used to be, they want us to do as many things as we
used to do before. And when you're down a man, it's
impossible. And I even want to be who I used
(07:45):
to be. It's not possible anymore.
And as you age, it really gets to be incredibly taxing, right?
To try to do it all. I had sort of a similar
experience where I felt like almost like a child again
because my parents lived with mefor a year after the car
accident, which I absolutely needed the help.
(08:07):
But they were like in my home and I was you know, disabled by
my injuries and I couldn't care for my kids.
And it's almost like this reversing of time where I just,
I felt like my parents were kindof running the house, but it was
my house and I was 42 years old and it was really difficult.
(08:29):
And as soon as they, as I was able to take care of my kids
again. And I remember driving was a big
thing, 'cause I had all these surgeries on this arm and I
couldn't drive. And I was like, well, I guess I,
you know, can't take care of thekids until I can drive.
I sent my parents home. I was like, I love you, please
leave my house. I just need.
I need my house back. I had to blame myself because.
(08:51):
They were ready for that. Yeah, I was ready and they were
ready. It is so interesting because
because my mom was living with me as well and we're both
overachievers, you know, we bothare caretakers to do everything.
And I started to realize that I wasn't doing anything anymore.
And it wasn't until I went to a therapist and she was like,
(09:16):
there's only 100% to give, there's only 100% to be done,
whatever. And if one person is doing 80%,
then there's only 20% left to do.
It's just the way it is. And even though I'm typically an
overachiever, when I had anotheroverachiever in the house, I all
(09:38):
of a sudden became the underachiever.
And like you, I woke up one day and I was like, I'm not the
matriarch of my house. I'm not the the mother.
And as much as I loved not worrying about dinner and going
to the grocery store and laundryand all of that, I realized that
I had to take all that back in because it was making me, one,
(10:00):
feel terrible about myself and two, confusing my kids.
And it was harming my relationship with my mom.
It was changing the relationshipthe kids had with my mom because
now it was another parent. And yeah.
I was like, she can come to my house and make dinner, yeah.
It. Sounds.
Just for my. Laundry.
(10:20):
It sounds so great. A couple of weeks.
I get it. Though I started feeling like,
what's my role? What is my purpose if I'm not
doing those things and I didn't like to do them?
And did you feel that regressionlike, well, I'm the kid again?
Like, Mom is the mom is mom? Yes.
And I'm not Mom. I'm like a kid again.
(10:41):
Yes, I'm just part of, you know,the kid group and.
Yeah, sitting at the Kitty. To only be one boss, like you
said, and we're like, ready. I was ready to be like the boss
of my It's a control thing too. I mean, I'm ready to take back
my life, right? Anything our listeners should
know is that your Dynamos? Neither one of you, neither
Holly. None of us needs the help
(11:02):
really. I would like a little help, it'd
be nice. That's right, we can.
Keep it All four of us have beenable.
To I don't know, there's I need a lot of handyman.
That's what I need. I.
Think he's coming tomorrow? Oh.
Good, I think. A handyman.
Not a, not a, not a mom in the house.
I think also going back to, like, boundaries as a widow,
(11:26):
people want to help and that's awesome.
But like, you know, we continually laugh about the
story that you told Lacey about not wanting to answer the door.
So you're. Literally.
Crawling I know, but setting boundaries in that way too.
You know you need your private space.
(11:47):
You want to not have your your family maybe staying with you or
your parents living with you. And that also extends to friends
just popping by without any warning.
So you really have to set up clear boundaries for the help
that you need, which can be really hard when you're in that.
(12:08):
Everybody wants to help. You know, if you're, if you're
fortunate enough like we all were to have people that care
about us, that wanted to help. It's just like anything else.
It also takes energy to have that interaction right, to have
the conversations, just to have the face to face, just to have
the just to get out of the pajamas and brush the hair or
whatever needs to be done. If somebody's coming to your
(12:30):
door and some days you just don't feel like it, you just
don't want to. You just don't have.
I think it's about protecting energy a lot for me, and it's
still something that I struggle with, whether I'm getting into.
I feel like early on, if I ever got pulled into like a
conversation around maybe someone who was unhappy in their
marriage or they were complaining to me about their
(12:53):
spouse, that was really hard forme to kind of be there for that
friend but also hold that energyfor someone who was complaining
about a living, breathing spouse.
And so there's emotional energy.There's, you know, just energy,
energy like physical energy. And you know, you have to put
boundaries up around that too, because you only have so much.
(13:14):
And I really needed to preserve for myself and for my kids and
didn't have like a whole lot leftover for a lot of years, so.
That's hard too, because you want your friends to be able to
complain about their spouse too.Like you want to be normal, have
a normal conversation. You don't want them to, you
(13:35):
know. And I'm saying this since we're
a lot further in, like, you know, in the early days if
someone days I. Realized I couldn't really be
the friend, maybe that I was with Frank, you know, like that
extra there for that friend or friends I had to pull back and
(13:57):
that was that was hard for me. Absolutely.
You have to. I found and I didn't have the
energy to listen to all the negative.
You know, I used to be and I'm agreat pep talker and I love
giving pep talks. But especially in the early days
when I was so down and and just heavy myself to have other
(14:20):
people come in and put their heaviness on me.
And sometimes it was the same grief, you know, his his mom or
a friend or or my family. They're they're sad and and
grieving and and it became like this extra burden and I couldn't
take it on. I had to have the boundary of
(14:41):
like, I'm not going to answer that phone call.
I am going to roll off the couchor you know, I have to ask my
family to leave or stay somewhere else because I don't
want to take on their anxiety. I don't want to take on their
their expectations. And we're all really kind and
(15:02):
generous people, and we're hostesses.
You know, like, if someone's at your house, I'm not just going
to be sitting on the couch saying, yeah, go, you know where
the refrigerator is. You're going to have it stocked
and you're going to have plans. And it's just extra stuff.
That's. Like my my dad died two months
after Toby and the Boundaries with my mom, That was a real
(15:25):
hard one. Because I couldn't.
I I wouldn't. Couldn't be there.
For her, I mean it's still, it'sstill there.
Like when I don't know when holidays come up and she wants
things the way they always were and I have to set my boundaries.
I'm like the boys and I are going to do new things and it's
(15:47):
been hard, but I've done it. And good for you, because that
is our job, to protect our family first.
Like, I love that your kids saidLyman's first.
Absolutely. It's absolutely true.
I was like Schmeltzlis. Doesn't sound quite as cool as
Lyman, but I'll go with that. I liked that they said that
because I think that's true. But you know what I've learned
(16:07):
in all of this is that I used tothink near that old adage.
Misery loves company. It really doesn't.
Someone has to be good to lift the other person up.
So have you ever noticed that ifyou go to someone that's
miserable, you're miserable, andyou know that person miserable,
you can just get down in the weeds and it gets worse and
worse? And I'm like, no, where's my
little Pollyanna at this moment?I'm going to go to her and help
(16:30):
her, let her help me maybe see things differently.
And there's maybe I can turn that dialogue around because
I've I've learned to find those people when I because if I can
get in the weeds with someone that's not good for me.
I've learned that for me that doesn't work.
Misery does not love company forme.
I need somebody who's in a better place and that but has
also had struggles and watch them go through theirs and come
(16:55):
on the other side because and 121/2 years in I am.
So I'm here to tell all of you that are in the early years.
It does get easier, less deep less dark.
Less often is very true. But it doesn't mean you won't
have your moments. I still have them.
Things happen like graduations like what Holly's you know going
through that was me last year and this year's empty nesting
(17:17):
and they'll always be something.But I'm trying to take a card
out of Whitney's playbook. You're you always are looking
for the lessons. So I'm always going, OK, I'm
going to do that. I'm going to look for the
lessons, but I'm also going to try to see if I can turn that
dialogue in my head around and maybe try to not be Pollyanna.
I can't do that. That's way too far for me.
(17:38):
But maybe try to find something positive that I can learn from
it and make my life better. I don't want, I don't want to
live back where I used to live in those early days.
I can't stay there and I can't stay there for very long because
if I do, I can't be successful in my life, my business, my
friendships, everything suffers.We'll be right back.
(17:59):
We recently had a podcast about our husband's ashes.
Sadly, Kira still can't get intothe box, can you?
We have to get in the box. I'm working on.
I'm working on the box. The whole point is you want to
be able to do something with those ashes.
I came across a great website, itscalledspiritpieces.com, and
what I love about it is that they give you a variety of
(18:20):
options. It's jewelry, it's glass art,
It's statues. You can do a ton of stuff with
ashes, and we all have quite a few ashes.
There's a lot in the box. Yeah.
There is a lot in the box. I like the paperweight idea.
Doesn't. Spiritpieces.com have
paperweight. Yes.
And you know what's so great? And there's one that I'm
(18:40):
actually going to order. It's this Heart paperweight, and
it's beautiful. And when the light hits it, it
feels very heavenly. That's so pretty.
I know. So if you're interested, if this
is something that you would likefor your own loved one,
spiritpieces.com forward slash every widow thing so they know
that you heard about it through us is a great option for for you
(19:02):
and for your loved one. We hope you check it out.
Hey guys, Whitney here and I'm about to share some information
with you that can make a very stressful situation super, super
easy. Talking about buying or selling
a home, I have the perfect realtor for you.
Her name is Meredith Slauser. She's a real estate agent based
out of LA, but she has teams allover the world.
(19:24):
So if you're not in that LA area, you can still give
Meredith a call and she can put you in the hands of an expert.
Here's the deal, all right? You want to work with someone
who is knowledgeable, dedicated,trustworthy, and also a good
person. You're going to be spending a
lot of time with him. I was able to work with Meredith
when Hunter and I were moving toAustin.
She handled every portion of thesale of our home client.
(19:46):
Satisfaction takes precedent over the transaction, if you
know what I mean. Her website is Meredith
slaucer.com. Her info will be up on our every
Widow thing, Instagram highlightreel under sponsors.
And if you do end up calling Meredith or reaching out to her,
please let her know that you heard it here on every widow
thing. And now back to the episode.
(20:08):
There's a phrase energy. Flows where attention goes.
So if you're sitting with someone in there just going down
deep into their whatever their victim mentality or their
husband or they're complaining or whatever, that's just growing
(20:28):
that, you know, it feels good for a second.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I like to complain, you know?
But after a while I realized we're just both working
ourselves up into a frenzy and there's nothing positive that's
going to come from that. So then you have to flip it
around. But.
I think there's a lot of women out there.
I mean, not to speak to the Barbie movie, but I guess, yes,
(20:51):
Speaking of the Barbie movie, Barbie movie, the America
Ferrera, you know, right. I think we all probably were
there in that, you know, with our kids.
I mean, I was class parent and doing the brownies and the
soccer. You know, Frank was coaching the
soccer team and we were still like also social.
We were throwing parties at our house.
(21:12):
I mean, we had all the things that you have when you're
involved in a community and you have kids and you're social.
But I think, you know, you mentioned earlier when something
like this happens and you are, you've lost your partner and
you're down, your capacity is just halved, right?
And I had to really get over other people's perception of me.
(21:36):
You know, like, am I still, you know, working out five days a
week and in a book club and, youknow, doing all the things with
the kids and planning the big birthday parties?
And I was no longer that person.I just couldn't do that anymore.
And I think you have to like, reframe people's expectations.
And that was kind of hard. I felt like people would think
less of me or devalue me in someway.
(21:58):
And now I'm just at a point where I don't really care.
I'll even say even though it's been a long time, I'll even say,
you know, I'm a single mom. I'm a single parent.
I can't get to all the differentactivities and be as involved or
chairing the events or whatever it is that people are maybe
expected from the past. And that's not their fault.
(22:19):
They're just they just know you from.
They're thinking about their ownstuff, yeah.
Yeah. They just think your capacity is
the same and they're not thinking, wow, I wonder if her
capacity is diminished by this, you know, which it absolutely
is. And mine also, with my injuries
and everything, mine was just completely wiped out.
It's hard to come to terms with who you were then, who you are
(22:40):
now, finding that balance and just letting people know.
You know, it's not that I don't want to be involved.
It's not that I don't miss book club or miss mahjong or
whatever. I don't want to help out more at
the school. I do but I can't.
Right. I can't set the boundaries.
I love what you said about you. You're not thinking so much
(23:01):
about what their perception is anymore.
Because I think that's what keeps people from setting clear
boundaries, because they're trying to control other people's
thoughts about them. And one of the things that my
therapist said to me that I justloved was we have our own yard.
(23:21):
Every person has a yard, and in that yard are the things that
you can control, and they are your actions, your beliefs, your
consequences, your emotions, andyour coping skills.
If you're trying to control any of these things for someone
else, you're out of your yard. And that I have come back to so
(23:42):
many times because why am I doing this?
Am I doing this because I want them to feel something?
Well, then I'm not going to do it.
Therapist had a similar analogy about people's piles of shit.
All right. She was like, is that Margaret?
Here's, yeah, she was like, here's your pile of shit.
(24:03):
It's huge. Like you're you're.
OK, Kira, you need. A pile of shit.
And she's like, then there was some things going on in my life
with some other people that weretrying to get me to help out
with their pile of shit, like, go over.
And so she was like, before you get involved every time you're
(24:24):
like, is that my pile of shit oris that her pile of shit?
Right. And can I be supportive in like,
I really hope you know you've got a great shovel and I'm here
cheering you on while you shovelshovel your pile of shit, but
I'm not going to shovel your pile of shit for you.
Right. Because I'm over here with mine.
Right. Yeah, you know, what's I?
(24:46):
Maybe that's a gross image. No, we love it.
Well go, Margaret. We like.
I don't think about. It I'm still like, if I get
drawn into something, I'm still like, that's not my pile of
shit, yeah. I'm.
Finding the hardest thing to like if you know the CS Lewis, I
think I put that out on Instagram.
That's kind of been my focus thelast several years.
Is that what is your purpose? Like, for the longest time it
(25:08):
was to raise my kid. And now that he's grown, I mean,
he's 19, so he's sort of grown. But the next thing is, is that
what we're doing now is helping other widows.
But we've all talked about this,like, how far do you go with,
with your mission? Like, you have to set boundaries
around that too. Because first and foremost, I
mean, we still are single parents.
(25:30):
We still only have so much energy.
And if you have a job, you have to give them a certain amount of
energy and you have to put boundaries around those people
and the people that I always respected, which is one of the
reasons why I married Oliver's that in business he would leave
at 6:00 at work no matter what. Bye, bye.
I'm going home to my family and I'm going to eat dinner with my
(25:52):
family. I'm going to bathe my kid.
He would log back in because he did do startup tech.
So you can't just have a nine tofive job.
But every night they knew he wasleaving.
So they got to the point where they would wave and they're all
still coding and doing their things and all the engineers
that that worked with him and but he set that boundary early
on at every job he had and and he never offered excuses and I
(26:14):
thought God why can't I be more like him?
You posted something recently, Kira, that I just loved so much
and I feel like it goes into theBoundaries arena because you
just redid your a room in your house.
It looks so good so. Good and I got.
Teary I realize it's very white,no?
I kind of like. So refreshing.
(26:35):
No, it's beautiful. So.
That's a boundary right there, because that room could have
been many different things. Can you talk about it a little
bit for those people? Yeah, sure.
And I mean the interesting thingabout that is my fiance who also
has his own business was like, well, where am I going to work
because he's transitioning into my home.
And initially we were going to share that space.
(26:58):
And then as it started to kind of come together, I was like, I
don't a, I don't think us sharing an office is a good idea
and BI think this is going to bemy space.
And he was very cool about it and was like, I could see that
now that that is the best solution.
Give a background on the room you had out.
You were living in there after the car accident as well?
(27:20):
Yes. So it's a first floor den space
and all the bedrooms are upstairs in my house and I could
not walk. I think I was non weight bearing
for like 16 weeks or 15 weeks. And so I did get out of the
hospital, was dying to get home and see my kids.
But I was in a hospital bed and a wheelchair and then all
(27:43):
various and sundry things, whichsome of my friends observed me
going through. Like there was a Walker at one
point and then they wanted me tohave a cane, which I refused.
I've refused the cane. Yeah.
So after my second child went tocollege, he was the big, you
know, gaming guy. And Thomas went to college and I
(28:05):
was like, we got to do somethingwith this disgusting room.
It's just. And my desk was in my bed, was
in the master bedroom. And that's not really a very
productive place to have my workspace.
That's where my. Lives, right?
There, that's where mine is. And I just decided yeah.
Was there any emotion behind redoing it or?
(28:28):
Not until I started to look backat those photos from that time
and just what a difficult time that was.
It kind of pulled up some some stuff, but I am just thrilled to
have a room of my own. So I.
Know it made me want to do so. I know, I was like.
Not everyone has homes that are that big, but it's it's been a
(28:49):
game changer. Right, well it's setting up a
boundary like a physical boundary too, of like This is
where my work takes place. I wish I'd done it sooner, but I
also appreciate the not getting around to it because it is and
then it is still a work in progress.
I don't really have much on the walls and I'm still getting my
paperwork organized, but just tohave something very clean and
(29:14):
Zen, and the piles are at least kind of hidden away in that
cabinet. It's inspiring.
I mean, just looking at the picture made me want to get
organized and do some work. All right, So we've talked about
boundaries with family. Do we friends?
We kind of touched on, I guess, briefly saying you don't have to
(29:36):
take on their piles of shit. What about boundaries with like
your fiance and he's moving intoyour home and I don't know, and
even boundaries dating. Yeah, boundaries around dating.
Yeah, I had a recent date, a couple of dates with different
people, and the boundary conversation came up very
(29:57):
quickly. And I did that on purpose
because I think there have been times in my life I was on there
just having fun. And now I'm dating with
intention not to marry because Idon't know about that.
That means the person, right? I don't decide I'm going to get
married till I find the person, but I am going to date with
intention, meaning I'm not wasting my time, just have
someone to go out with. I have plenty of friends, males
(30:18):
and females to go play with, so I'd rather date with intention.
So I tell them on the front end so that they know.
I find that's better because I'mnot wasting my time in there.
So I had to have that conversation on a a second date
of that. I'm a relationship person.
I'm looking for a relationship. I would rather wait and have the
(30:39):
right one than to be with the wrong one.
I That's just me. So how was this boundary
received? Yeah, really.
Well, yeah, it came up in a way that because they they're in a
different place than I am in terms of its divorce and its
recent. And I've been a widow obviously
12 1/2 years and I waited three years to date.
So and I said, you know, I understand.
(30:59):
I said basically, I understand with people need time to figure
it out. I'm OK with someone figuring it
out, but there's probably not going to be a romantic, a real
true romantic relationship untilI feel like we're on the same
page. And what did he say?
And like, first of all, did you write something out ahead of
time? No, I just spoke from the heart.
(31:20):
I think that the truth is your truth is what matters.
This is where I am. So if you're not in that same
place, it's probably not going to work.
You'll know on the front end andit gets you out of things
quicker than than you know. And I don't judge people's as
soon as your husband's dead, you're free to date at any point
in time in my mind. If you want to do it a day
(31:42):
after, that's up to you. I had to take time because I it
grossed me out number one. But now you know this many years
in, I'm dating with intention, meaning that if I go out with
you, I must like you a little bit.
Took me a long time to figure itout and my dating is like, it's
better to be upfront with them. Don't don't go just because you
(32:03):
feel bad about it, right? You're wasting the main time.
You're wasting your time. And also in the beginning, I
remember Whitney told me if you go on a date and you get home
and you know it's not a match, tell them.
And I did that like the very first date I went on.
And waste anybody's time. Took me a long time to figure.
(32:24):
I was super nice. I was going out on 2nd and 3rd
dates just because I like was trying to be.
Right, because you hide trying to get in their pile of shit and
controlling. Their yard, their their pile of
shit. And they I would sit through the
date with my wine while they, like, talked about their divorce
and complained about their ex-wife.
And then? I felt like it, though.
I mean, because you kind of wantsomething to do.
(32:45):
You go through phases. I mean, like, right now, I'm
really. I had that one day that I didn't
go on. But I'm really not dating.
I'm not on the apps because I'm.Too.
Busy. Yeah.
It's like graduation season and something every weekend right
now, so I need to get through this and.
Yeah. And that's so good.
(33:06):
I think sometimes it's hard to set a boundary.
If you think I oh, that's going to push things back for me, like
and then I I'm going to lose time or or I'm going to miss out
on something. And so you say, oh, I'll just go
ahead and do it, even though everything in your body is
saying, no, don't do. It, yeah, I think we've all been
through that FOMO of like, well,if I go off the app, maybe I'll
(33:29):
miss out on like the man of my right, the man of my dreams the
same. People are going to be there in
a year. So.
That is a perfect point, the Holly just said.
Did y'all hear that? The same people.
The same people are going to be there.
Well, it is good to talk about the boundaries.
You're dealing with so much emotion and you're feeling
already like you're a burden to people maybe or you're always
(33:50):
the one that needs something. So you are more willing to take
on for other people as like a payback or something.
That's absolutely the at a wrongtime, you should be taking full
advantage of setting those boundaries and saying I cannot
do this and I and you know, you could just stop there because no
is a full sentence. But the truth is you're dealing
(34:13):
with things that people can't even see emotionally.
And like you said, Lacey, it doesn't end.
It does get less often, but we're always going to have
moments where that grief comes back in and those boundaries are
going to protect us. So I'm proud of you, Holly, for
not not opening up your home to everyone.
That's hard to That is very hard.
(34:36):
I think we all just have to, me included in the world.
Even with, like our grief. We have to be more grace giving
to other people too. Yeah, like they're going through
their own, what is it? Their own yard, their own pile
of shit? They've got theirs too.
So when dating, it's almost easier that if I think that way,
if I think, wow, they probably have their own crap they're
(34:57):
dealing with. It may not be a death, but I'm
sure by this age, by the time you're in your 50s, you've had
enough life and enough stuff with your kids that they've got
their own stuff they're dealing with.
So maybe just not be so. I mean, I've had to teach myself
that because there's a lot of anger that comes from grief and
you can be angry that everybody else is not having to deal with
the death or they're not having to deal with this or.
(35:18):
And then I realized it may not be a death, but I bet you they
got something that is. Everywhere, yeah.
I've also had to set boundaries with like conversations with
people, neg any negative energy.I can't.
I can't take it. So I try to limit y'all y'all
agree. Yeah, I don't pick up the phone.
(35:39):
I don't want to be shoveling their shit, and that was
happening to me a lot. People were leaning on me with
their problems and I wasn't AS maybe because I had been there
for them in the past and I wanted to be, but then I had to
stop and say what's more important here?
You know, I've got to protect this so I can protect my kids.
(36:00):
And I had to really. That was a huge moment for me
where I was like, you know what?I don't have to be everyone's
therapist. That was a huge boundary for me
as I don't, and I'm still sayingit, especially now with kids in
college, I don't have to fix this.
That is a boundary that I'm really working on and that goes
into play with friends like theywant to be.
(36:21):
They want me to be the therapistor whatever.
And I will say me not sometimes,no, everybody, we all do it.
But the boundary is. A lifetime membership.
I'm not answering Holly's call. I don't know.
I don't have to pick up, but also, and I do this a lot with
my family members, I will pick up, but I am quiet, which is
(36:42):
very hard for me, as you all know.
And instead of going well because my my family's nature is
to go well, you know what you should do.
Or well, let me tell you how to fix this And instead I sit and I
just go, wow, yeah. Oh, that sounds that sounds
hard. I'm not going to bring in the
burden of trying to sort throughsomeone else's shit.
But it's also hard when you're talking to someone like I'm
(37:08):
trying to get over needing validation on all my choices,
which I'm I'm, I'm working real hard on, but well.
You've lost your main validator.I know when Frank died, he was
my main validator. And he was probably and you
know, going through making just,I mean like even starting the
podcast and then helping my kidsmake their choices, what, you
(37:33):
know, what college they're goingto or whatever it is and and
like having someone on the otherside, like, well, why are you
doing that, like questioning me and making me question myself?
Don't get that? Yeah, and again, as a single
parent, it's only you. I mean, it's not you and your
(37:55):
spouse talking to your kids about what college they should
go to or what vacation y'all should take or what house
renovations you should do. It's no longer you and your
partner. It's now just you.
It's all on you. So when things go sideways or
maybe mistakes are made, you're like, it's all my fault.
And I think that's scary. Yeah, but it is what it is.
(38:17):
And also we have to remember that even if it was the wrong
decision, most of the time it's not.
I mean, it's not life or death, you know, If your intention is
kindness, loving, it doesn't matter how they receive it.
(38:37):
There's a worry that you're going to hurt their feelings.
When I told my mom that I didn'tneed her to live with me
anymore, I was so heartbroken because I broke her heart.
But my intention was not that, you know?
So when you set your boundaries,whatever they are always be and
and the decisions that you're making.
Think about what's my intention?To help?
(38:59):
To be loving, To be kind. So whatever the outcome is, your
intention is all you could control.
Just to what Holly was saying, like, I also felt like I lost my
the person that validated me, you know, that if I said, hey, I
think I'm going to go back to Graduate School or I think I'm
going to take this job or start this, you know, business.
(39:23):
My husband was the one that was like, I think that's a great
idea. You know, how can I help you
with that? Or, you know, you're really good
at this. Why don't you try, you know, try
this instead? And when you lose your validator
and then you're just on your ownand you're in charge of these
humans if you have kids. And a lot of us parents,
unfortunately, how our kids are doing is like we take that as a
(39:44):
direct reflection of what we've done and our parenting and
whatever mistakes or good thingsthat we've done.
That all gets so much harder because you're you're sort of
looking over your shoulder like,well, who am I going to ask?
Why? It's just me.
It seems like it's gotten harderand maybe it's just because.
The age, you know, the age of our children.
(40:06):
But we like in early days. Like the early days.
That sounds stupid, but in the beginning, I was like, I don't
care what anybody thinks. I'm going to do this for me and
my kids and I don't care what you think.
Yeah, for some reason. Now I care.
I know, but now we're not in survival mode.
Anymore, but also right after anevent like that, a traumatic
(40:29):
event, everything that's unimportant falls away.
It literally strips you down to what is important.
And then sadly, that lesson starts to get.
The life starts to come back in,they pile in and and you start
to forget those first real important lessons that you learn
(40:51):
from losing somebody. Well, and also I feel like
people in general, like everything's normal now.
Oh yeah, yeah. And it's still not it's.
Never going to be normal. After listening to everybody
here, the one thing I feel so like maybe I'm turning into
Whitney. I'm feeling so.
(41:11):
Positive need to we. Only need 1/1.
Is. Enough, plenty everywhere.
I'm feeling, you know what? I from all of us, especially
you, Holly. I feel like, look at the
decisions that we've all had to make hard decisions from 7 years
up. And our kids are doing well.
We're doing well. And I know we have our moments
(41:33):
we had. So does everybody else.
And I'm thinking we did it down a man.
I mean, I'm feeling pretty good about like, don't.
Doesn't that give you confidence?
It does me. That's what helps with my
boundaries. The the harder things I've gone
through, the better boundaries I've built because I feel like
the worst has already happened. So I liked the guest, the
traveling guest that we had on here.
(41:55):
Tiffany. Tiffany.
She said it so well. And I wish I could quote it like
right here. But when she was talking about I
might as well go and do it. The fear, heck, it's already
happened, right. We.
Did everything right and he. Died.
He still died, Yeah. And into hyper vigilance mode of
keeping everything perfectly clean because I was just sure
that that's how he died with bacteria.
(42:16):
So I thought, well, bacteria is everywhere.
I mean, come on, that was not what caused it.
We'll probably never know. But crazy things happen.
So the hyper vigilance things have started to fade away.
The control is still somewhat they're like people that you're
controlling about this and this.That's just so we can feel like
we have control over something. But the reality is we they died
(42:39):
anyway. There is no control, So you
might as well just try to let ithappen.
Do the best you can. Put your time limit at 5:00 for
work, because I've been working all hours of the night and I
thought, whatever for? You're not even making millions
of dollars. Why are you working that hard?
And I thought, that's silly. I'm making myself crazy over
(43:01):
someone. If I died tomorrow, they'd be
like up next. Who wants the next job?
And boundaries come into play there too, because a lot of
people try to set boundaries, try to control other people,
when really the boundaries are about what you are going to do.
And the only thing you have control over is your own pile of
shit. Your own yard.
I have a teenage daughter now who, you know, she's in that
(43:22):
phase of life where it's well, my friends this and my friends
that and this parent and that parent and this teacher and and
I'm always just kind of pulling her back and saying, you know,
we don't care about that. We don't.
I know you care about that, but I don't care about what the
friends are doing for spring break or going to this party or
(43:43):
what boys they're kissing and like, let's just let's.
I don't want to know that I would.
I would be curious about the boys bring.
It back. Let's talk about that.
And on that note, we want to thank you for listening and
please go follow us on social media.
If you are listening to the podcast but you have not yet
subscribed as a follower, pleasego do that right now over 40.
(44:08):
I think it was. 49% of our listeners are listening every
week, but they have not followedthe podcast and we need you to
be a follower of the podcast. It doesn't cost anything.
No, it's totally free. Subscribing is free.
And you get so much invaluable information.
Young widows, we're brushed aside, we're swept under the
rug. We're hurry up and get married
again. Move on with your life.
Get over it. And I don't think people are
like, looking at what that really means.
What? What does that mean for someone
that's gone through it? What does that mean for their
family dynamic? What does that mean for their
kids? What does that mean for their
friendships? The whole 9 yards.
(00:22):
This is every widow thing. Hi everyone.
We are so excited that you are here with us today.
I did want to give a little shout out to our sponsors.
We have sponsors. This episode is brought to you
in part by Meredith Schlosser. She's a real estate agent out of
Los Angeles. And we also have a sponsor
(00:45):
called spiritpieces.com. It is beautiful cremation,
jewelry and glass art. All right now with the program.
Today's episode is about boundaries, and I think we've
all had some issues. With.
Keeping boundaries. I know for me, my husband was
the gatekeeper and I could just throw it all on him.
(01:08):
Oh, Hunter said no. Oh, I'm so sorry.
But Hunter said no, and he's still.
Saying no. He's saying no, but no one else
can hear it but me. So I've had to really learn
about creating boundaries, you know, for myself, yeah.
That's kind of my new hero traitwhen I meet people because
(01:29):
that's always been difficult forme.
So I've always been like a yes person.
And obviously that changed immensely after I lost my
spouse. Whenever I meet people that just
very calmly and coolly say, hey,you know, that's not going to
work for me or that's not going to work for my kid or that's not
how my family, you know, does things, I'm just in awe of those
(01:53):
people. You know what I just heard?
This is so funny. I know.
No coincidences. I just heard this last night.
Remember the Olsen twins from Full House?
And now they do. You know, they're always.
Amazing clothing. I don't know.
I think they're in their 30s, which.
Is crazy. But they said recently or not
recently. It was an old clip, But they
said no is a full sentence. No is a full sentence.
(02:18):
And that was one thing that my husband used to tell me all the
time when I'd be writing emails to people or something.
He'd be like, too many words, too many words.
But I'm like, no, I need to explain that things are really
hard right now. And I've got this and that.
He's like, no, just short and sweet.
Yeah, no is a full sentence. I love that.
Thank you, Olsen Twins. I read somewhere that like over
(02:41):
explaining is sort of a symptom not being heard as a child or
something. Not really.
Being. That's.
Heard or validated? It can also be a Southern thing
too. Like I worked for a guy from the
on the East Coast. I was on the West Coast, but he
was an E Coaster and he said when you say you're not able to
(03:02):
make it, just say I'm not able to make it not I'm not able to
make it because I got to do this, this, this, he said.
That's enough. That ought to be enough.
No. Why do we do that?
Because I do that all the time and I'll type an e-mail or a
text and I'm like, rereading it.I'm like they don't need to know
why I'm saying no or. I'm a people pleaser, so for me,
(03:23):
I don't want anybody to be mad. I want to make sure that they
understand that, oh, this is a really hard decision, even if it
wasn't you know, so I is that part of it for?
Yeah, you. For you, Holly, you.
Want to justify it or something?Yeah, don't be mad at me.
Right. They're going to be mad anyway.
Doesn't even have a good. Reason why I'm not, you know,
(03:46):
coming to the party or. But I find on the other end now
if people are overexlaining to me, I feel like they're just
trying to convince me. You know, maybe they didn't want
to hang out with me. That's fine.
Just feel like, hey, I don't want to hang out with you
tonight. Don't be like.
And the cat's sick and the because then you're like, wait,
(04:07):
wasn't the cat sickly? Right, it starts to sound like a
lot I. Have a sick cat that that's
like. Trouble yesterday or the day
before? And now my cat said no A.
Real. Kira, I remember I was supposed
to go On this date, and that's awhile ago and I did not want to
go and that was. Just a couple weeks ago.
It was. Like a month ago.
(04:28):
No, I don't want to. Go and I didn't want to go.
And Kira's like, well, just say your dog is sick and I'm like,
well, I can't say that because it's not true.
And finally I was like, I can't make it tonight.
And you didn't say good for you,that's progress, that's progress
it. Is and that it's so hard.
I think especially when you're just as a widow or a single
(04:52):
parent, people tend to forget that and they expect you to keep
up as if there is another personin the house and that that's
it's. That's not the case, and you get
overextended very quickly if youdon't have your boundaries.
So, OK, let's talk graduation. Which coming out.
(05:15):
Already been through. So Zach's graduating and all the
family's coming and I'm like having so much anxiety over
everyone's staying at my house and and my sister was going to
sleep in my room with me and I was like, wait a second, I'm
(05:38):
going to need my own space. And y'all all said, you need
somewhere to retreat. To This is one of those moments
that we talked about where the grief is going to come into play
more so than usual. Your husband would.
You'd be doing this together to milestone and.
You need nothing against my sister asleep, you know.
(05:58):
Although you do kind of laugh. But, you know, at any end of
time would be fine. But I was like, there's going to
be like eight people in my house.
We're going to be trying to get ready for graduation.
And I'm having a party at my house.
I was like, so much anxiety. Well, you need some place to be
alone so that if you want to break down or right or you need
(06:18):
to regroup, that's your safe place.
I mean, honestly, my mom used tolive with me and I had to set
that boundary and it took her. And let her stay in your room.
She wanted to sleep with me. But even you, Lacey talking
about when you would go visit and your mom would be like well,
you and. And she and and it took the
(06:43):
grief therapist to to say that'snot going to work for you.
But because things have changed.We're down a man, as Kyra says.
I love that saying. I have a couple of saying one
from Hollywood, from you and from you that I've taken in.
And I say them a lot like we're down a man.
I'm not the same person I was then.
Yeah, I could go with the flow alot more than than I can now.
(07:03):
Because now I like you. With graduation you have to
anticipate some grief is going to roll in and it may not.
You may be so fortunate that youdon't have any of that and it's
wistful and it and it breezes inand out, but it's best to be
prepared for it and have your space.
So now you know, my mom, back when things were good, she was
(07:24):
fine with that. She would get right or his own
room. I would get my space and it all
worked out after that. But it took me setting the
boundary, and that's the hardeststep that all of us have to
make. When I think people want us to
be who we used to be, they want us to do as many things as we
used to do before. And when you're down a man, it's
impossible. And I even want to be who I used
(07:45):
to be. It's not possible anymore.
And as you age, it really gets to be incredibly taxing, right?
To try to do it all. I had sort of a similar
experience where I felt like almost like a child again
because my parents lived with mefor a year after the car
accident, which I absolutely needed the help.
(08:07):
But they were like in my home and I was you know, disabled by
my injuries and I couldn't care for my kids.
And it's almost like this reversing of time where I just,
I felt like my parents were kindof running the house, but it was
my house and I was 42 years old and it was really difficult.
(08:29):
And as soon as they, as I was able to take care of my kids
again. And I remember driving was a big
thing, 'cause I had all these surgeries on this arm and I
couldn't drive. And I was like, well, I guess I,
you know, can't take care of thekids until I can drive.
I sent my parents home. I was like, I love you, please
leave my house. I just need.
I need my house back. I had to blame myself because.
(08:51):
They were ready for that. Yeah, I was ready and they were
ready. It is so interesting because
because my mom was living with me as well and we're both
overachievers, you know, we bothare caretakers to do everything.
And I started to realize that I wasn't doing anything anymore.
And it wasn't until I went to a therapist and she was like,
(09:16):
there's only 100% to give, there's only 100% to be done,
whatever. And if one person is doing 80%,
then there's only 20% left to do.
It's just the way it is. And even though I'm typically an
overachiever, when I had anotheroverachiever in the house, I all
(09:38):
of a sudden became the underachiever.
And like you, I woke up one day and I was like, I'm not the
matriarch of my house. I'm not the the mother.
And as much as I loved not worrying about dinner and going
to the grocery store and laundryand all of that, I realized that
I had to take all that back in because it was making me, one,
(10:00):
feel terrible about myself and two, confusing my kids.
And it was harming my relationship with my mom.
It was changing the relationshipthe kids had with my mom because
now it was another parent. And yeah.
I was like, she can come to my house and make dinner, yeah.
It. Sounds.
Just for my. Laundry.
(10:20):
It sounds so great. A couple of weeks.
I get it. Though I started feeling like,
what's my role? What is my purpose if I'm not
doing those things and I didn't like to do them?
And did you feel that regressionlike, well, I'm the kid again?
Like, Mom is the mom is mom? Yes.
And I'm not Mom. I'm like a kid again.
(10:41):
Yes, I'm just part of, you know,the kid group and.
Yeah, sitting at the Kitty. To only be one boss, like you
said, and we're like, ready. I was ready to be like the boss
of my It's a control thing too. I mean, I'm ready to take back
my life, right? Anything our listeners should
know is that your Dynamos? Neither one of you, neither
Holly. None of us needs the help
(11:02):
really. I would like a little help, it'd
be nice. That's right, we can.
Keep it All four of us have beenable.
To I don't know, there's I need a lot of handyman.
That's what I need. I.
Think he's coming tomorrow? Oh.
Good, I think. A handyman.
Not a, not a, not a mom in the house.
I think also going back to, like, boundaries as a widow,
(11:26):
people want to help and that's awesome.
But like, you know, we continually laugh about the
story that you told Lacey about not wanting to answer the door.
So you're. Literally.
Crawling I know, but setting boundaries in that way too.
You know you need your private space.
(11:47):
You want to not have your your family maybe staying with you or
your parents living with you. And that also extends to friends
just popping by without any warning.
So you really have to set up clear boundaries for the help
that you need, which can be really hard when you're in that.
(12:08):
Everybody wants to help. You know, if you're, if you're
fortunate enough like we all were to have people that care
about us, that wanted to help. It's just like anything else.
It also takes energy to have that interaction right, to have
the conversations, just to have the face to face, just to have
the just to get out of the pajamas and brush the hair or
whatever needs to be done. If somebody's coming to your
(12:30):
door and some days you just don't feel like it, you just
don't want to. You just don't have.
I think it's about protecting energy a lot for me, and it's
still something that I struggle with, whether I'm getting into.
I feel like early on, if I ever got pulled into like a
conversation around maybe someone who was unhappy in their
marriage or they were complaining to me about their
(12:53):
spouse, that was really hard forme to kind of be there for that
friend but also hold that energyfor someone who was complaining
about a living, breathing spouse.
And so there's emotional energy.There's, you know, just energy,
energy like physical energy. And you know, you have to put
boundaries up around that too, because you only have so much.
(13:14):
And I really needed to preserve for myself and for my kids and
didn't have like a whole lot leftover for a lot of years, so.
That's hard too, because you want your friends to be able to
complain about their spouse too.Like you want to be normal, have
a normal conversation. You don't want them to, you
(13:35):
know. And I'm saying this since we're
a lot further in, like, you know, in the early days if
someone days I. Realized I couldn't really be
the friend, maybe that I was with Frank, you know, like that
extra there for that friend or friends I had to pull back and
(13:57):
that was that was hard for me. Absolutely.
You have to. I found and I didn't have the
energy to listen to all the negative.
You know, I used to be and I'm agreat pep talker and I love
giving pep talks. But especially in the early days
when I was so down and and just heavy myself to have other
(14:20):
people come in and put their heaviness on me.
And sometimes it was the same grief, you know, his his mom or
a friend or or my family. They're they're sad and and
grieving and and it became like this extra burden and I couldn't
take it on. I had to have the boundary of
(14:41):
like, I'm not going to answer that phone call.
I am going to roll off the couchor you know, I have to ask my
family to leave or stay somewhere else because I don't
want to take on their anxiety. I don't want to take on their
their expectations. And we're all really kind and
(15:02):
generous people, and we're hostesses.
You know, like, if someone's at your house, I'm not just going
to be sitting on the couch saying, yeah, go, you know where
the refrigerator is. You're going to have it stocked
and you're going to have plans. And it's just extra stuff.
That's. Like my my dad died two months
after Toby and the Boundaries with my mom, That was a real
(15:25):
hard one. Because I couldn't.
I I wouldn't. Couldn't be there.
For her, I mean it's still, it'sstill there.
Like when I don't know when holidays come up and she wants
things the way they always were and I have to set my boundaries.
I'm like the boys and I are going to do new things and it's
(15:47):
been hard, but I've done it. And good for you, because that
is our job, to protect our family first.
Like, I love that your kids saidLyman's first.
Absolutely. It's absolutely true.
I was like Schmeltzlis. Doesn't sound quite as cool as
Lyman, but I'll go with that. I liked that they said that
because I think that's true. But you know what I've learned
(16:07):
in all of this is that I used tothink near that old adage.
Misery loves company. It really doesn't.
Someone has to be good to lift the other person up.
So have you ever noticed that ifyou go to someone that's
miserable, you're miserable, andyou know that person miserable,
you can just get down in the weeds and it gets worse and
worse? And I'm like, no, where's my
little Pollyanna at this moment?I'm going to go to her and help
(16:30):
her, let her help me maybe see things differently.
And there's maybe I can turn that dialogue around because
I've I've learned to find those people when I because if I can
get in the weeds with someone that's not good for me.
I've learned that for me that doesn't work.
Misery does not love company forme.
I need somebody who's in a better place and that but has
also had struggles and watch them go through theirs and come
(16:55):
on the other side because and 121/2 years in I am.
So I'm here to tell all of you that are in the early years.
It does get easier, less deep less dark.
Less often is very true. But it doesn't mean you won't
have your moments. I still have them.
Things happen like graduations like what Holly's you know going
through that was me last year and this year's empty nesting
(17:17):
and they'll always be something.But I'm trying to take a card
out of Whitney's playbook. You're you always are looking
for the lessons. So I'm always going, OK, I'm
going to do that. I'm going to look for the
lessons, but I'm also going to try to see if I can turn that
dialogue in my head around and maybe try to not be Pollyanna.
I can't do that. That's way too far for me.
(17:38):
But maybe try to find something positive that I can learn from
it and make my life better. I don't want, I don't want to
live back where I used to live in those early days.
I can't stay there and I can't stay there for very long because
if I do, I can't be successful in my life, my business, my
friendships, everything suffers.We'll be right back.
(17:59):
We recently had a podcast about our husband's ashes.
Sadly, Kira still can't get intothe box, can you?
We have to get in the box. I'm working on.
I'm working on the box. The whole point is you want to
be able to do something with those ashes.
I came across a great website, itscalledspiritpieces.com, and
what I love about it is that they give you a variety of
(18:20):
options. It's jewelry, it's glass art,
It's statues. You can do a ton of stuff with
ashes, and we all have quite a few ashes.
There's a lot in the box. Yeah.
There is a lot in the box. I like the paperweight idea.
Doesn't. Spiritpieces.com have
paperweight. Yes.
And you know what's so great? And there's one that I'm
(18:40):
actually going to order. It's this Heart paperweight, and
it's beautiful. And when the light hits it, it
feels very heavenly. That's so pretty.
I know. So if you're interested, if this
is something that you would likefor your own loved one,
spiritpieces.com forward slash every widow thing so they know
that you heard about it through us is a great option for for you
(19:02):
and for your loved one. We hope you check it out.
Hey guys, Whitney here and I'm about to share some information
with you that can make a very stressful situation super, super
easy. Talking about buying or selling
a home, I have the perfect realtor for you.
Her name is Meredith Slauser. She's a real estate agent based
out of LA, but she has teams allover the world.
(19:24):
So if you're not in that LA area, you can still give
Meredith a call and she can put you in the hands of an expert.
Here's the deal, all right? You want to work with someone
who is knowledgeable, dedicated,trustworthy, and also a good
person. You're going to be spending a
lot of time with him. I was able to work with Meredith
when Hunter and I were moving toAustin.
She handled every portion of thesale of our home client.
(19:46):
Satisfaction takes precedent over the transaction, if you
know what I mean. Her website is Meredith
slaucer.com. Her info will be up on our every
Widow thing, Instagram highlightreel under sponsors.
And if you do end up calling Meredith or reaching out to her,
please let her know that you heard it here on every widow
thing. And now back to the episode.
(20:08):
There's a phrase energy. Flows where attention goes.
So if you're sitting with someone in there just going down
deep into their whatever their victim mentality or their
husband or they're complaining or whatever, that's just growing
(20:28):
that, you know, it feels good for a second.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I like to complain, you know?
But after a while I realized we're just both working
ourselves up into a frenzy and there's nothing positive that's
going to come from that. So then you have to flip it
around. But.
I think there's a lot of women out there.
I mean, not to speak to the Barbie movie, but I guess, yes,
(20:51):
Speaking of the Barbie movie, Barbie movie, the America
Ferrera, you know, right. I think we all probably were
there in that, you know, with our kids.
I mean, I was class parent and doing the brownies and the
soccer. You know, Frank was coaching the
soccer team and we were still like also social.
We were throwing parties at our house.
(21:12):
I mean, we had all the things that you have when you're
involved in a community and you have kids and you're social.
But I think, you know, you mentioned earlier when something
like this happens and you are, you've lost your partner and
you're down, your capacity is just halved, right?
And I had to really get over other people's perception of me.
(21:36):
You know, like, am I still, you know, working out five days a
week and in a book club and, youknow, doing all the things with
the kids and planning the big birthday parties?
And I was no longer that person.I just couldn't do that anymore.
And I think you have to like, reframe people's expectations.
And that was kind of hard. I felt like people would think
less of me or devalue me in someway.
(21:58):
And now I'm just at a point where I don't really care.
I'll even say even though it's been a long time, I'll even say,
you know, I'm a single mom. I'm a single parent.
I can't get to all the differentactivities and be as involved or
chairing the events or whatever it is that people are maybe
expected from the past. And that's not their fault.
(22:19):
They're just they just know you from.
They're thinking about their ownstuff, yeah.
Yeah. They just think your capacity is
the same and they're not thinking, wow, I wonder if her
capacity is diminished by this, you know, which it absolutely
is. And mine also, with my injuries
and everything, mine was just completely wiped out.
It's hard to come to terms with who you were then, who you are
(22:40):
now, finding that balance and just letting people know.
You know, it's not that I don't want to be involved.
It's not that I don't miss book club or miss mahjong or
whatever. I don't want to help out more at
the school. I do but I can't.
Right. I can't set the boundaries.
I love what you said about you. You're not thinking so much
(23:01):
about what their perception is anymore.
Because I think that's what keeps people from setting clear
boundaries, because they're trying to control other people's
thoughts about them. And one of the things that my
therapist said to me that I justloved was we have our own yard.
(23:21):
Every person has a yard, and in that yard are the things that
you can control, and they are your actions, your beliefs, your
consequences, your emotions, andyour coping skills.
If you're trying to control any of these things for someone
else, you're out of your yard. And that I have come back to so
(23:42):
many times because why am I doing this?
Am I doing this because I want them to feel something?
Well, then I'm not going to do it.
Therapist had a similar analogy about people's piles of shit.
All right. She was like, is that Margaret?
Here's, yeah, she was like, here's your pile of shit.
(24:03):
It's huge. Like you're you're.
OK, Kira, you need. A pile of shit.
And she's like, then there was some things going on in my life
with some other people that weretrying to get me to help out
with their pile of shit, like, go over.
And so she was like, before you get involved every time you're
(24:24):
like, is that my pile of shit oris that her pile of shit?
Right. And can I be supportive in like,
I really hope you know you've got a great shovel and I'm here
cheering you on while you shovelshovel your pile of shit, but
I'm not going to shovel your pile of shit for you.
Right. Because I'm over here with mine.
Right. Yeah, you know, what's I?
(24:46):
Maybe that's a gross image. No, we love it.
Well go, Margaret. We like.
I don't think about. It I'm still like, if I get
drawn into something, I'm still like, that's not my pile of
shit, yeah. I'm.
Finding the hardest thing to like if you know the CS Lewis, I
think I put that out on Instagram.
That's kind of been my focus thelast several years.
Is that what is your purpose? Like, for the longest time it
(25:08):
was to raise my kid. And now that he's grown, I mean,
he's 19, so he's sort of grown. But the next thing is, is that
what we're doing now is helping other widows.
But we've all talked about this,like, how far do you go with,
with your mission? Like, you have to set boundaries
around that too. Because first and foremost, I
mean, we still are single parents.
(25:30):
We still only have so much energy.
And if you have a job, you have to give them a certain amount of
energy and you have to put boundaries around those people
and the people that I always respected, which is one of the
reasons why I married Oliver's that in business he would leave
at 6:00 at work no matter what. Bye, bye.
I'm going home to my family and I'm going to eat dinner with my
(25:52):
family. I'm going to bathe my kid.
He would log back in because he did do startup tech.
So you can't just have a nine tofive job.
But every night they knew he wasleaving.
So they got to the point where they would wave and they're all
still coding and doing their things and all the engineers
that that worked with him and but he set that boundary early
on at every job he had and and he never offered excuses and I
(26:14):
thought God why can't I be more like him?
You posted something recently, Kira, that I just loved so much
and I feel like it goes into theBoundaries arena because you
just redid your a room in your house.
It looks so good so. Good and I got.
Teary I realize it's very white,no?
I kind of like. So refreshing.
(26:35):
No, it's beautiful. So.
That's a boundary right there, because that room could have
been many different things. Can you talk about it a little
bit for those people? Yeah, sure.
And I mean the interesting thingabout that is my fiance who also
has his own business was like, well, where am I going to work
because he's transitioning into my home.
And initially we were going to share that space.
(26:58):
And then as it started to kind of come together, I was like, I
don't a, I don't think us sharing an office is a good idea
and BI think this is going to bemy space.
And he was very cool about it and was like, I could see that
now that that is the best solution.
Give a background on the room you had out.
You were living in there after the car accident as well?
(27:20):
Yes. So it's a first floor den space
and all the bedrooms are upstairs in my house and I could
not walk. I think I was non weight bearing
for like 16 weeks or 15 weeks. And so I did get out of the
hospital, was dying to get home and see my kids.
But I was in a hospital bed and a wheelchair and then all
(27:43):
various and sundry things, whichsome of my friends observed me
going through. Like there was a Walker at one
point and then they wanted me tohave a cane, which I refused.
I've refused the cane. Yeah.
So after my second child went tocollege, he was the big, you
know, gaming guy. And Thomas went to college and I
(28:05):
was like, we got to do somethingwith this disgusting room.
It's just. And my desk was in my bed, was
in the master bedroom. And that's not really a very
productive place to have my workspace.
That's where my. Lives, right?
There, that's where mine is. And I just decided yeah.
Was there any emotion behind redoing it or?
(28:28):
Not until I started to look backat those photos from that time
and just what a difficult time that was.
It kind of pulled up some some stuff, but I am just thrilled to
have a room of my own. So I.
Know it made me want to do so. I know, I was like.
Not everyone has homes that are that big, but it's it's been a
(28:49):
game changer. Right, well it's setting up a
boundary like a physical boundary too, of like This is
where my work takes place. I wish I'd done it sooner, but I
also appreciate the not getting around to it because it is and
then it is still a work in progress.
I don't really have much on the walls and I'm still getting my
paperwork organized, but just tohave something very clean and
(29:14):
Zen, and the piles are at least kind of hidden away in that
cabinet. It's inspiring.
I mean, just looking at the picture made me want to get
organized and do some work. All right, So we've talked about
boundaries with family. Do we friends?
We kind of touched on, I guess, briefly saying you don't have to
(29:36):
take on their piles of shit. What about boundaries with like
your fiance and he's moving intoyour home and I don't know, and
even boundaries dating. Yeah, boundaries around dating.
Yeah, I had a recent date, a couple of dates with different
people, and the boundary conversation came up very
(29:57):
quickly. And I did that on purpose
because I think there have been times in my life I was on there
just having fun. And now I'm dating with
intention not to marry because Idon't know about that.
That means the person, right? I don't decide I'm going to get
married till I find the person, but I am going to date with
intention, meaning I'm not wasting my time, just have
someone to go out with. I have plenty of friends, males
(30:18):
and females to go play with, so I'd rather date with intention.
So I tell them on the front end so that they know.
I find that's better because I'mnot wasting my time in there.
So I had to have that conversation on a a second date
of that. I'm a relationship person.
I'm looking for a relationship. I would rather wait and have the
(30:39):
right one than to be with the wrong one.
I That's just me. So how was this boundary
received? Yeah, really.
Well, yeah, it came up in a way that because they they're in a
different place than I am in terms of its divorce and its
recent. And I've been a widow obviously
12 1/2 years and I waited three years to date.
So and I said, you know, I understand.
(30:59):
I said basically, I understand with people need time to figure
it out. I'm OK with someone figuring it
out, but there's probably not going to be a romantic, a real
true romantic relationship untilI feel like we're on the same
page. And what did he say?
And like, first of all, did you write something out ahead of
time? No, I just spoke from the heart.
(31:20):
I think that the truth is your truth is what matters.
This is where I am. So if you're not in that same
place, it's probably not going to work.
You'll know on the front end andit gets you out of things
quicker than than you know. And I don't judge people's as
soon as your husband's dead, you're free to date at any point
in time in my mind. If you want to do it a day
(31:42):
after, that's up to you. I had to take time because I it
grossed me out number one. But now you know this many years
in, I'm dating with intention, meaning that if I go out with
you, I must like you a little bit.
Took me a long time to figure itout and my dating is like, it's
better to be upfront with them. Don't don't go just because you
(32:03):
feel bad about it, right? You're wasting the main time.
You're wasting your time. And also in the beginning, I
remember Whitney told me if you go on a date and you get home
and you know it's not a match, tell them.
And I did that like the very first date I went on.
And waste anybody's time. Took me a long time to figure.
(32:24):
I was super nice. I was going out on 2nd and 3rd
dates just because I like was trying to be.
Right, because you hide trying to get in their pile of shit and
controlling. Their yard, their their pile of
shit. And they I would sit through the
date with my wine while they, like, talked about their divorce
and complained about their ex-wife.
And then? I felt like it, though.
I mean, because you kind of wantsomething to do.
(32:45):
You go through phases. I mean, like, right now, I'm
really. I had that one day that I didn't
go on. But I'm really not dating.
I'm not on the apps because I'm.Too.
Busy. Yeah.
It's like graduation season and something every weekend right
now, so I need to get through this and.
Yeah. And that's so good.
(33:06):
I think sometimes it's hard to set a boundary.
If you think I oh, that's going to push things back for me, like
and then I I'm going to lose time or or I'm going to miss out
on something. And so you say, oh, I'll just go
ahead and do it, even though everything in your body is
saying, no, don't do. It, yeah, I think we've all been
through that FOMO of like, well,if I go off the app, maybe I'll
(33:29):
miss out on like the man of my right, the man of my dreams the
same. People are going to be there in
a year. So.
That is a perfect point, the Holly just said.
Did y'all hear that? The same people.
The same people are going to be there.
Well, it is good to talk about the boundaries.
You're dealing with so much emotion and you're feeling
already like you're a burden to people maybe or you're always
(33:50):
the one that needs something. So you are more willing to take
on for other people as like a payback or something.
That's absolutely the at a wrongtime, you should be taking full
advantage of setting those boundaries and saying I cannot
do this and I and you know, you could just stop there because no
is a full sentence. But the truth is you're dealing
(34:13):
with things that people can't even see emotionally.
And like you said, Lacey, it doesn't end.
It does get less often, but we're always going to have
moments where that grief comes back in and those boundaries are
going to protect us. So I'm proud of you, Holly, for
not not opening up your home to everyone.
That's hard to That is very hard.
(34:36):
I think we all just have to, me included in the world.
Even with, like our grief. We have to be more grace giving
to other people too. Yeah, like they're going through
their own, what is it? Their own yard, their own pile
of shit? They've got theirs too.
So when dating, it's almost easier that if I think that way,
if I think, wow, they probably have their own crap they're
(34:57):
dealing with. It may not be a death, but I'm
sure by this age, by the time you're in your 50s, you've had
enough life and enough stuff with your kids that they've got
their own stuff they're dealing with.
So maybe just not be so. I mean, I've had to teach myself
that because there's a lot of anger that comes from grief and
you can be angry that everybody else is not having to deal with
the death or they're not having to deal with this or.
(35:18):
And then I realized it may not be a death, but I bet you they
got something that is. Everywhere, yeah.
I've also had to set boundaries with like conversations with
people, neg any negative energy.I can't.
I can't take it. So I try to limit y'all y'all
agree. Yeah, I don't pick up the phone.
(35:39):
I don't want to be shoveling their shit, and that was
happening to me a lot. People were leaning on me with
their problems and I wasn't AS maybe because I had been there
for them in the past and I wanted to be, but then I had to
stop and say what's more important here?
You know, I've got to protect this so I can protect my kids.
(36:00):
And I had to really. That was a huge moment for me
where I was like, you know what?I don't have to be everyone's
therapist. That was a huge boundary for me
as I don't, and I'm still sayingit, especially now with kids in
college, I don't have to fix this.
That is a boundary that I'm really working on and that goes
into play with friends like theywant to be.
(36:21):
They want me to be the therapistor whatever.
And I will say me not sometimes,no, everybody, we all do it.
But the boundary is. A lifetime membership.
I'm not answering Holly's call. I don't know.
I don't have to pick up, but also, and I do this a lot with
my family members, I will pick up, but I am quiet, which is
(36:42):
very hard for me, as you all know.
And instead of going well because my my family's nature is
to go well, you know what you should do.
Or well, let me tell you how to fix this And instead I sit and I
just go, wow, yeah. Oh, that sounds that sounds
hard. I'm not going to bring in the
burden of trying to sort throughsomeone else's shit.
But it's also hard when you're talking to someone like I'm
(37:08):
trying to get over needing validation on all my choices,
which I'm I'm, I'm working real hard on, but well.
You've lost your main validator.I know when Frank died, he was
my main validator. And he was probably and you
know, going through making just,I mean like even starting the
podcast and then helping my kidsmake their choices, what, you
(37:33):
know, what college they're goingto or whatever it is and and
like having someone on the otherside, like, well, why are you
doing that, like questioning me and making me question myself?
Don't get that? Yeah, and again, as a single
parent, it's only you. I mean, it's not you and your
(37:55):
spouse talking to your kids about what college they should
go to or what vacation y'all should take or what house
renovations you should do. It's no longer you and your
partner. It's now just you.
It's all on you. So when things go sideways or
maybe mistakes are made, you're like, it's all my fault.
And I think that's scary. Yeah, but it is what it is.
(38:17):
And also we have to remember that even if it was the wrong
decision, most of the time it's not.
I mean, it's not life or death, you know, If your intention is
kindness, loving, it doesn't matter how they receive it.
(38:37):
There's a worry that you're going to hurt their feelings.
When I told my mom that I didn'tneed her to live with me
anymore, I was so heartbroken because I broke her heart.
But my intention was not that, you know?
So when you set your boundaries,whatever they are always be and
and the decisions that you're making.
Think about what's my intention?To help?
(38:59):
To be loving, To be kind. So whatever the outcome is, your
intention is all you could control.
Just to what Holly was saying, like, I also felt like I lost my
the person that validated me, you know, that if I said, hey, I
think I'm going to go back to Graduate School or I think I'm
going to take this job or start this, you know, business.
(39:23):
My husband was the one that was like, I think that's a great
idea. You know, how can I help you
with that? Or, you know, you're really good
at this. Why don't you try, you know, try
this instead? And when you lose your validator
and then you're just on your ownand you're in charge of these
humans if you have kids. And a lot of us parents,
unfortunately, how our kids are doing is like we take that as a
(39:44):
direct reflection of what we've done and our parenting and
whatever mistakes or good thingsthat we've done.
That all gets so much harder because you're you're sort of
looking over your shoulder like,well, who am I going to ask?
Why? It's just me.
It seems like it's gotten harderand maybe it's just because.
The age, you know, the age of our children.
(40:06):
But we like in early days. Like the early days.
That sounds stupid, but in the beginning, I was like, I don't
care what anybody thinks. I'm going to do this for me and
my kids and I don't care what you think.
Yeah, for some reason. Now I care.
I know, but now we're not in survival mode.
Anymore, but also right after anevent like that, a traumatic
(40:29):
event, everything that's unimportant falls away.
It literally strips you down to what is important.
And then sadly, that lesson starts to get.
The life starts to come back in,they pile in and and you start
to forget those first real important lessons that you learn
(40:51):
from losing somebody. Well, and also I feel like
people in general, like everything's normal now.
Oh yeah, yeah. And it's still not it's.
Never going to be normal. After listening to everybody
here, the one thing I feel so like maybe I'm turning into
Whitney. I'm feeling so.
(41:11):
Positive need to we. Only need 1/1.
Is. Enough, plenty everywhere.
I'm feeling, you know what? I from all of us, especially
you, Holly. I feel like, look at the
decisions that we've all had to make hard decisions from 7 years
up. And our kids are doing well.
We're doing well. And I know we have our moments
(41:33):
we had. So does everybody else.
And I'm thinking we did it down a man.
I mean, I'm feeling pretty good about like, don't.
Doesn't that give you confidence?
It does me. That's what helps with my
boundaries. The the harder things I've gone
through, the better boundaries I've built because I feel like
the worst has already happened. So I liked the guest, the
traveling guest that we had on here.
(41:55):
Tiffany. Tiffany.
She said it so well. And I wish I could quote it like
right here. But when she was talking about I
might as well go and do it. The fear, heck, it's already
happened, right. We.
Did everything right and he. Died.
He still died, Yeah. And into hyper vigilance mode of
keeping everything perfectly clean because I was just sure
that that's how he died with bacteria.
(42:16):
So I thought, well, bacteria is everywhere.
I mean, come on, that was not what caused it.
We'll probably never know. But crazy things happen.
So the hyper vigilance things have started to fade away.
The control is still somewhat they're like people that you're
controlling about this and this.That's just so we can feel like
we have control over something. But the reality is we they died
(42:39):
anyway. There is no control, So you
might as well just try to let ithappen.
Do the best you can. Put your time limit at 5:00 for
work, because I've been working all hours of the night and I
thought, whatever for? You're not even making millions
of dollars. Why are you working that hard?
And I thought, that's silly. I'm making myself crazy over
(43:01):
someone. If I died tomorrow, they'd be
like up next. Who wants the next job?
And boundaries come into play there too, because a lot of
people try to set boundaries, try to control other people,
when really the boundaries are about what you are going to do.
And the only thing you have control over is your own pile of
shit. Your own yard.
I have a teenage daughter now who, you know, she's in that
(43:22):
phase of life where it's well, my friends this and my friends
that and this parent and that parent and this teacher and and
I'm always just kind of pulling her back and saying, you know,
we don't care about that. We don't.
I know you care about that, but I don't care about what the
friends are doing for spring break or going to this party or
(43:43):
what boys they're kissing and like, let's just let's.
I don't want to know that I would.
I would be curious about the boys bring.
It back. Let's talk about that.
And on that note, we want to thank you for listening and
please go follow us on social media.
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(44:08):
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