October 26, 2024 • 27 mins
There's a new term for empty nesting! Holly and Whitney talk about their experience with "Free Birding" it now that their youngest kids have gone to college.
Whitney shares a helicopter parent fail story and both widows discuss how grief plays a part in this new chapter.
In the second half of the episode, the widows share tips on how to find your people. Do you think sitting at the bar in a restaurant is a good or bad idea? Holly just won't let it go.
Check out the new Facebook page Every Widow Thing Insiders and connect with other widows. https://www.facebook.com/groups/523215036841828
During this period of transition, the widows anticipate a less consistent release schedule for episodes. Feel free to connect with us on Instagram and or Facebook.
Survive and thrive!
www.everywidowthing.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I'm
sorry that you had to. Who are we?
I'll tell you what, we're not. We're not old, we're not boring,
and we're not giving up. So come on into our widow
circle, where trauma meets humorand we remind you that you can
not only survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing.
(00:24):
Hi, everyone. This is Whitney.
And this is Holly. Hey, hey.
It's just us today. We're doing something a little
different this time and hopefully the quality, the sound
quality is still up to par, but it's just Holly and I and we're
sitting in my kitchen like. Jack's here too.
Yes, you may hear the dog. You may hear my dog Jack at some
(00:46):
point snoring or barking. We it's just the two of us
today, but we wanted to get on and have a little conversation
about the things that have been going on in our lives recently.
We're both free birds. I was.
Like what is it called? Again, you're about to say
emptiness, no. I wasn't because I knew and I
(01:08):
knew that was I was like trying to remember what the new term.
Is yes. The new term is free bird.
If you didn't know, which I like, it's a much better spin on
what's going on, but my nest is feeling very empty.
Very quiet. Yes, I wasn't expecting it.
And I think you were like this too, Holly, because both our
(01:30):
boys were gone a lot. They were still living.
Here my house was quiet anyway, like all the time, but I always
knew he was going to come home and at some point.
Right. At some point at night.
Right, exactly. I know 'cause I have two other
kids that have flown the nest. If we're still gonna use those
(01:53):
analogies and once they're gone,I will talk.
I won't talk to them for like 2 weeks, you know?
So that's the difference. Why are you laughing?
What do you do, Whitney? No, but I'm just saying like my
kids, I'm no longer in their day-to-day lives.
(02:13):
And so even though for me, like Campbell isn't wasn't home all
the time, you know, and he wouldeven spend the night out and
he'd be gone all day either at work or the skate park or
whatever. I knew that I was going to see
him at some point every day or every other day.
Food in the warming. Yes, always food in the warming
(02:34):
drawer. Now my warming drawer is cold an
empty like my. House for me.
I you think that my food in there is actually good, but it's
it's, it's better, not very good.
Better than nothing. But you know what I'm saying,
right? Like that's why the house feels
so much quieter even though it'sthe same day-to-day.
(02:57):
I I'm not having those moments with him.
Either it's take the trash out or get up.
Oh, so I went to pull the trash to the curb.
Yes. Did you cry?
No, there wasn't anything in it.That's the other thing.
I had not taken the trash out offrom in the house to the trash
(03:20):
outside. There wasn't any trash because I
haven't been cooking. Well, the first time I had to
take my trash cans out to the the street, I got teary 'cause
that was his job. And I'm like.
Who's? Gonna take the trash out for me
now. No one.
And then I came in and opened upthe refrigerator and there was
some leftover spaghetti that I had made for him and I was like,
(03:40):
who's gonna eat the spaghetti? And I cried and I was like, this
is ridiculous, but it is sad. It's very difficult.
And then it's just the whole, we've talked about this, a lot
of, you know, grief, it comes out to play at that point too,
'cause it's like, oh, I'm all alone and yeah, my husband's
(04:03):
dead. And as far as like what I've had
a hard time with, drop off did not go as I envisioned it would
go. We had.
Some we had some bumps in the road with the roommate and, you
know, not knowing anyone on campus and saying goodbye and
(04:24):
leaving your child in another state.
That's so much harder. Yes, mine, mine's in another
city, but just an hour and a half away.
Oh yeah. When I took Hayden to Oklahoma,
and even this year, the second year, it didn't go as planned,
'cause I'm imagining like, wow mom, I'm, I'm imagining like
(04:44):
Leave it to Beaver, like, wow mom, you're the greatest.
Thanks so much, mom, for driving6 hours with all my crap in your
car. And instead he peeled out, left
me in the dust, left me in the dust.
Then I get pulled over by the police because I'm trying to
catch up to him. He is long gone.
(05:06):
Then I texted him and said, you know, my feelings are hurt
because I am driving this up there for you.
Like, if you don't want my help,then, you know, you could have
just rented a truck and taken ityourself.
And then I thought he'd be like,Gee, mom, I'm so sorry.
Instead, he was like, that's your problem.
(05:29):
If it's if it hurts your feelings, that's on you.
And I was like, you know what jerk?
So he's usually a very sweet boy, But in my mind I have these
ideas of how heartfelt and incredible it's going to be and
how they're going to just say thanks we want.
It to be perfect because part oftheir lives haven't been
(05:51):
perfect. That's true.
And and then so after drop off, you know, of course the social
media stuff, Oh yeah, which I'm like, why am I on here?
And everybody's posts about their perfect happy child in
college and. Right.
It's all peachy perfect. It's but you know.
(06:13):
That's Facebook. But that's it's fake book.
Yeah. I mean, I I had my kids smile
and and take a picture, but I had to force it.
He's like, I don't want to take a picture.
I was like, you get over here and then, you know, he looks all
happy and you think, oh, it was such a great draw.
I know and I made a post and it it looks all happy and fun but I
(06:37):
but I wrote it wasn't peachy perfect.
You did write that you did. Write that.
Yeah, that's the thing. That's what gets me into trouble
is the idea in my head versus what actually happens.
And, and like you said, wanting it to be perfect for them.
And your heart is breaking if you feel like they don't have
any friends yet. And what if, how are they going
(06:59):
to meet people? And, you know, is anyone going
to know that their dad died and cut them a little slack like
that? That's something that I, you
know, I would love to e-mail allof their professors and say.
This kid. I know, I know, but you know the
Mama bear wants to keep protecting them.
(07:19):
Oh 100% the way I communicate now is with both of my boys is
Snapchat. Which I'm very impressed 'cause
I don't. Understand what I said today to
Zach. OK.
Yeah, T what I can do? I can start snapping them.
I I would snap like the other day I was like texting him.
Like did you talk to that professor about or your advisor
(07:43):
about changing class or whatever?
And he wouldn't respond. And so I took a picture of Opal
and wrote a little message on there.
That is. How?
Yes, that's hilarious. That is how you can get them to
respond is by sending a picture of their pet 100% and.
(08:03):
You can just message once you start a chat.
In there you can keep chatting. And they're on Snap more than
they. Respond to that.
Yeah, right now. So now it's working.
Well, what would you say? So we, Holly and I, one of the
ways we are exercising our free bird rights is by taking a trip.
(08:24):
And that's something that I think we were so smart to do.
Something to look forward to, something to plan right after
you take your kid to school, then you have something to kind
of some distraction. Spirits.
Yeah. And I just have to also let go.
Like I'm a little nervous. I want them to be more settled
(08:44):
before I leave on a trip, but I can't control that.
No, no. And what I mean, what do you
think you'd be able to do? Like, like I said jokingly, I
would love to be emailing all ofthe professors, but I I can't.
And I will share an embarrassingstory of helicopter parenting
gone wrong. I.
(09:06):
Was. In my kids schedule like right
so I have their login which isn't necessarily the best
thing. Don't do what I do.
You have to have their login so you can pay tuition I mean.
Well, they can make you an authorized user, but you have to
have their login so that you cancheck to make sure they're
actually going to class. Well, I like to see when they're
(09:29):
great. No, I hadn't even like with
Gabe. I'm not once he's a senior in
college and I have not once checked his grades.
Oh wow no I made the mistake of not checking grades with my
first kid and she wasn't going to class and I didn't find out
until the end of the school yearwhen it was too late to do
(09:51):
anything about it. And I know that there are
parents on there that go let them fail and let them you know,
that's. An expensive fail.
Right, exactly. I'm not going to let my aunt.
Well, look, I did let her fail, but I hate those people that get
on like people get on Facebook and ask questions like can you
help me? My you know, my student is
(10:14):
struggling with her roommate andI don't know, I'm, I'm trying to
help her, right? And then all these parents,
these know it all parents will get on and be like, it's called
adulting. Let her handle it.
And I'm like, you know what I mean?
You can bite it. These moms just want help and
support. And I'm sorry but I don't care
(10:35):
what you say, there are some kids.
Not all 18 year olds are the same.
And some 18 year olds are more like 45 year olds and some 18
year olds are more like 12 year olds.
And some 18 year olds have had trauma in their life.
And if I want to fucking get on and ask for some help then I
don't need you know it all parent coming on and giving me a
(10:57):
hard time. Yeah, those parents shouldn't
even chime in. No zip it all right?
Anyway back to my helicopter andfail.
So I had my kids log in and it was before school started and he
has a certain schedule. But I noticed that on Monday,
Wednesday, Friday, his first class and only class started at
(11:18):
like 2:00. And I was like, oh, that's.
Why did you even meddle in that?OK, well because I was trying to
make his life easier so. Now he's in.
So now, so then I noticed that there was a Spanish class at
11:30 instead of it too. And I'm like, this is great.
And so I did talk to him first and I said, hey, I noticed that
(11:39):
there is an earlier Spanish class.
And of course I also went to rate my professor to make sure
that the professor was good. Which no dude, that is such a
helicopter. Actually, it's a lawnmower.
It's a lawnmower parent where you try to just get rid of all
the obstacles in their way instead of letting them handle
(11:59):
it. So whatever.
So he said, yeah, that sounds great.
I said, great. I changed his schedule and then
he came home for the weekend andI go, how's school going?
And he goes, oh, it's great, except for my Spanish class.
And I go, oh, no, what, what is it?
He goes, I'm in a heritage Spanish class and I go, what's
that? And he goes, it's for kids who
(12:20):
have lived in a Spanish speakinghousehold or been exposed to the
language their whole life. And I was.
Like or Campbell. Oh my gosh.
Well, I had the same thing happen with Zach today because
he did not go to his one of his classes for a whole week because
he was going to switch it and then he decided not to switch
(12:41):
it, so he's missed class. Yeah, stuff like that literally
fills me with anxiety. Like I will wake up in the
middle of the night. I did wake up in the middle of
the night worrying about his heritage.
I just texted Campbell. But here's the the difference,
right? Of like, like what this, this is
(13:01):
the difference in being a widow and not being a widow.
If Hunter were here, I there's no way I would have been quote
UN quote allowed to do some of the shit I've done.
He would have put a stop to it. He would have, you know, handled
it or told me to to step off or whatever.
These are the times when my husband would keep me from
(13:23):
spiraling and keep me from beingwell.
You have somebody, a sounding board like you could discuss it,
right? And you and you come up with a
something in the middle, like myhusband would be more like the
know it all parent of like, well, he's got to figure it out.
And then I'm more of the my baby.
So if he were alive, there wouldbe something in the middle,
(13:45):
right? In other words, Campbell would
be in a regular Spanish class instead of the Heritage.
Spanish. Well, maybe he can get some of
those Spanish speaking students to help him.
I'm going to let it go. Anything else that we want to
share about free birding it? Every time I say free bird I am
imagining someone giving the bird.
(14:09):
Just just so you know. I think just we're all going
through transitions, even Lacey and Kira, and we're all kind of
feeling like we need to focus onother things and family and.
Oh yeah. So in in light of being free
birds and we are going to be traveling, we're going to be a
little less consistent. Just more sporadic with our
(14:32):
episodes. Yes, we're going to try to
really fully embrace this new transition.
And for me, I want to try to figure out what I want for
myself, you know? Let me know if you figure it out
OK. Hopefully it'll it'll include
you. But yeah, just take some time
and figure out what's next for all of us.
(14:54):
And this is a new transition. Kira still has a child that just
started her freshman year of high school, which is a really
important time to be fully available.
You think that it's when they'reyounger, but really it's when.
They're older. It's like so much harder.
Oh, it's so much harder. And you have to, don't be fooled
(15:17):
by the fact that, oh, they don'twant anything to do with us.
That's when you have to be the most aware of what they're
doing. Yeah, 'cause they can get into a
lot of trouble and they need us,but they don't.
They don't even know they need us.
So anyway, the point is, I thinkwe're going to still be here for
(15:37):
you guys, but it's going to be alittle less consistent.
We do have a new Facebook group called Every Widow Thing
Insiders and that is a perfect way for our listeners to
interact with each other, yes. Get on there and or join the
Facebook. Group.
Yeah, you can join the Facebook group and continue to, you know,
(16:00):
check in with us. We're always available to read
your DMS and ask or answer any questions that you might have.
I think it's also a good time ora good way on the Every Widow
Thing Insiders group to connect with people in your area.
We've had a lot of listeners reach out and say they don't
(16:21):
know anybody wherever they live,in other cities, away from.
That's a great, that's, that's actually a great.
I I want to do a podcast episodeon that because we have had
several people say that they're super lonely and they can't find
their group. So it would be great if we could
(16:42):
come up with some helpful tips for those people.
The first tip is go join our Every Widow Thing Insiders group
on Facebook. I've actually met other widows
from Austin whose kids go to College in Colorado through the
college Facebook group, right? And that crazy.
(17:04):
That is crazy. This is a great point.
You know, we have had several people talk about how they feel
alone. They are envious that we have
found a group, but we were very lucky because this group came
together mutual friends or in Holly and I's case, the middle
school counselor at the school. But then we also all vibed well
(17:27):
together. I mean, we've all met people
that we didn't necessarily become good friends with, so it
just worked out. Well, and it's also the right
timing and the place you're in and your life.
I mean, because I've gone through like, we've all gone
through ups and downs and met other people, but I didn't
(17:47):
necessarily, like you said, you know, become close friends with
or hang out with. Here's what I have been telling
people. Stop chasing like a group, stop
chasing people and go look for things that bring you joy.
So like for you? Boxing.
(18:09):
Yeah, and you now? Have a boxing group?
Yes. So you found a couple of
exercise groups and you're meeting new people in there and
that's. How I connected with Lacey and
Kira in the beginning. Yeah, that's one way.
Go join a class, an exercise class or a hiking group.
Or if you enjoy crocheting like there are.
(18:32):
Cooking. Yeah, but.
Fine, take cooking classes. But here's the thing.
Because I have so many people tocook, right?
Because you really need to get those skills going.
I mean, travel there has to be like, well, there are.
Travel groups. And remember we had an episode
about travel with our friend Tiffany, right?
Rebuilding Joy. So you can find those groups,
(18:55):
but those aren't necessarily groups that you find in your
hometown. That's just something that OK.
You're right. I'm going off.
Yeah, off the rail. Right, You want to find your
group in your hometown, find a group church or yes, and you can
go there's there's something called meetup.com.
You can go to Facebook and just type in like Austin.
Running And there's the the Austin, what's it called, the
(19:19):
Facebook widow group. You and you can try to start
your own. If there's not a group on
Facebook, start your own group. See if you can find people that
way. But do activities.
Find activities that you enjoy and go do them consistently.
It's not one cooking class, it'sa six week cooking class course
(19:39):
where you actually get to know some people in the group, or you
go to the same boxing class every week and you get to know
those people. And then the other thing that I
suggest is volunteering. Find a church group, or the YMCA
or a food bank or whatever brings you joy at an old
person's home. It's called a nursing home.
(20:05):
And. Nursing home.
Or if you still have school agedchildren volunteer at their
school. When I first moved here, that's
when I. Don't go back and volunteer at
the school. I don't think you're allowed to
volunteer if you don't have a kid there then just random
people could show up at your kids school.
Well, they'll do background checks.
I can take all this out. I don't think so.
(20:27):
Anyway. Don't give up hope of finding
your people. You just have to sometimes dig.
Deeper like if you used to have OK.
You just won't let it go. Yes, if you.
I'm like, wait. If your kids went to an
elementary school but they're incollege, you could still maybe
show up at the elementary schooland be.
(20:47):
Like a little bit. Weird, I'd like to volunteer
here. You get my point though.
Go put yourself in situations that bring you joy with people
that you will see consistently and the relationships will come.
Well, this is, I mean, this is exactly what I've been telling
my son. Yeah, that just started college.
(21:09):
His roommate didn't show up. He knows no one.
And I said you are only going tomeet people if you put yourself
out there. So I told them to go to the rec
center and play basketball, you know, join a club.
Yeah, same. Thing it is, it is and it's not
easy. And I recognize, look, when I
(21:30):
moved to Austin, it was going tobe difficult even if my husband
hadn't died because my kids were.
Now in middle school. You're not having after school
play dates where you're sitting there getting to know the other
parent. It it takes more effort.
Wait, you had me over for a playdate?
I did. It was an adult play date, but
you know. When Zach came over.
(21:50):
Yes, no, you're right. I you have to.
Make I'm kidding. It's because you lived so far
away. But you exactly, you didn't want
to have to drive back home, but you have to make an effort and
and it's not as easy as it was when your kids were in school or
if you had your spouse to be a couple with and go out and meet
other couples. Well, and also, even if you're
invited to a party, that was a big thing I had to overcome
(22:14):
walking into a party alone. Go to the party, even if you go
alone. I mean, obviously you knew
someone 'cause you were invited.To the party.
So go to the party. That's the hard part, especially
when you're depressed and down. It's very difficult to even get
up and force yourself to take a shower, much less get dressed
(22:34):
and go to a party. It's very awkward, but if you
are truly wanting to find your people then.
Yeah, and it may not always workout.
You may not have fun at that party, but you might have fun at
another party. I mean, you know, you can't like
just say, oh, I don't want to goto a party last time and it
(22:56):
wasn't fun or just or I felt lonely or whatever, but.
A lot of it is about consistency.
That's why I was saying if you're going to take a class,
make sure you go to that class multiple times 'cause it's not
like you're going to immediatelystart talking to people in the
boxing class the first time you go, it's going to take away I.
Know and you only came one time,Whitney.
(23:18):
I don't need any more friends, especially friends that like to
work out you know you want. To find.
Activities that you love doing and then you're going to meet
the people that also love to do those things.
One other suggestion that I have, and granted this is one,
it really depends on your age I guess.
But Bumble is a dating app, but it also has the BFF side where
(23:42):
you can go and put in your information to try to find other
friends who may be in the same boat as you.
No, it's not sad. Holly is making a tears go down
her cheek, but it's not sad. You do what you need to do, you
know, get yourself out there, meet people, try new things.
(24:03):
Don't give up. You do.
There are people out there for you.
It's just sometimes difficult tofind them.
It's just like I would tell my kid, if you go into the lunch
room and you don't have anyone to sit with, find that other kid
that's sitting by themselves. I told I told Zach the same
thing going into the dining halland he looked at me like I was.
Crazy. It's not easy, especially for
(24:25):
someone who is shy, you know, toget put yourself out there.
But if you again can find an activity, maybe lunch, it is a
hard thing. You're finding an activity that
you have in common with somebody.
So those are my two cents. But we know it can.
Be the bar by yourself. Oh Lord no, do not go to the bar
(24:47):
by yourself on that note. Sit at the bar at a restaurant.
Why you're no eat OK, but Howardno and meet people.
OK, take this part out. No dude, it's staying in.
I don't, I don't know, look, maybe, maybe, who knows.
Do what makes you feel comfortable, but find something
(25:10):
that brings your door. Oh, the dog park if you have a
dog. If you don't have a dog, I.
Keep meaning to do that. Maybe get a dog and then you
walk the dog and you go to the dog park.
It takes a little bit of time, but don't give up.
And again, join our Every Widow Thing insider group where you
can meet some people that way that at least I know it's
(25:30):
virtual, but at least it gives you a little bit of a connection
why you're trying to. Find there have been people that
have connected. I think they were from San Diego
maybe that have connected on theinsider.
Group. One other suggestion, if you
aren't working, consider gettinga part time job substitute teach
(25:52):
at your local. Schools.
Lots of children. Well, you've learned to you,
you. You can meet the parents or you
can meet people in the office. I don't know.
Do something. To get out of your house, you're
definitely not gonna meet anyonesitting in your room.
Go to a coffee shop and open up your laptop and pretend like
you're working. These are all really great
(26:14):
ideas. Anyway, it's not easy,
especially when you're grieving.And then it's awkward too
because you're like, hi, my name's Whitney, my husband's
dead. And then everyone's like, nice
to meet you, but it is doable. Don't give up.
Yeah, don't give up. Don't give up.
Keep going. Keep going survive and thrive
(26:36):
all right until next time guys thanks for listening and again,
we really appreciate the audience that we have don't stop
connecting with us on our socialmedia.
We will be back with lots more stories, advice and we.
Also love DMS and emails. Thank you for those who have
(26:56):
sent things in. Yeah, yeah, it's nice.
And we can hear from people. We hope you have a great week.
We'll be back soon.
You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I'm
sorry that you had to. Who are we?
I'll tell you what, we're not. We're not old, we're not boring,
and we're not giving up. So come on into our widow
circle, where trauma meets humorand we remind you that you can
not only survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing.
(00:24):
Hi, everyone. This is Whitney.
And this is Holly. Hey, hey.
It's just us today. We're doing something a little
different this time and hopefully the quality, the sound
quality is still up to par, but it's just Holly and I and we're
sitting in my kitchen like. Jack's here too.
Yes, you may hear the dog. You may hear my dog Jack at some
(00:46):
point snoring or barking. We it's just the two of us
today, but we wanted to get on and have a little conversation
about the things that have been going on in our lives recently.
We're both free birds. I was.
Like what is it called? Again, you're about to say
emptiness, no. I wasn't because I knew and I
(01:08):
knew that was I was like trying to remember what the new term.
Is yes. The new term is free bird.
If you didn't know, which I like, it's a much better spin on
what's going on, but my nest is feeling very empty.
Very quiet. Yes, I wasn't expecting it.
And I think you were like this too, Holly, because both our
(01:30):
boys were gone a lot. They were still living.
Here my house was quiet anyway, like all the time, but I always
knew he was going to come home and at some point.
Right. At some point at night.
Right, exactly. I know 'cause I have two other
kids that have flown the nest. If we're still gonna use those
(01:53):
analogies and once they're gone,I will talk.
I won't talk to them for like 2 weeks, you know?
So that's the difference. Why are you laughing?
What do you do, Whitney? No, but I'm just saying like my
kids, I'm no longer in their day-to-day lives.
(02:13):
And so even though for me, like Campbell isn't wasn't home all
the time, you know, and he wouldeven spend the night out and
he'd be gone all day either at work or the skate park or
whatever. I knew that I was going to see
him at some point every day or every other day.
Food in the warming. Yes, always food in the warming
(02:34):
drawer. Now my warming drawer is cold an
empty like my. House for me.
I you think that my food in there is actually good, but it's
it's, it's better, not very good.
Better than nothing. But you know what I'm saying,
right? Like that's why the house feels
so much quieter even though it'sthe same day-to-day.
(02:57):
I I'm not having those moments with him.
Either it's take the trash out or get up.
Oh, so I went to pull the trash to the curb.
Yes. Did you cry?
No, there wasn't anything in it.That's the other thing.
I had not taken the trash out offrom in the house to the trash
(03:20):
outside. There wasn't any trash because I
haven't been cooking. Well, the first time I had to
take my trash cans out to the the street, I got teary 'cause
that was his job. And I'm like.
Who's? Gonna take the trash out for me
now. No one.
And then I came in and opened upthe refrigerator and there was
some leftover spaghetti that I had made for him and I was like,
(03:40):
who's gonna eat the spaghetti? And I cried and I was like, this
is ridiculous, but it is sad. It's very difficult.
And then it's just the whole, we've talked about this, a lot
of, you know, grief, it comes out to play at that point too,
'cause it's like, oh, I'm all alone and yeah, my husband's
(04:03):
dead. And as far as like what I've had
a hard time with, drop off did not go as I envisioned it would
go. We had.
Some we had some bumps in the road with the roommate and, you
know, not knowing anyone on campus and saying goodbye and
(04:24):
leaving your child in another state.
That's so much harder. Yes, mine, mine's in another
city, but just an hour and a half away.
Oh yeah. When I took Hayden to Oklahoma,
and even this year, the second year, it didn't go as planned,
'cause I'm imagining like, wow mom, I'm, I'm imagining like
(04:44):
Leave it to Beaver, like, wow mom, you're the greatest.
Thanks so much, mom, for driving6 hours with all my crap in your
car. And instead he peeled out, left
me in the dust, left me in the dust.
Then I get pulled over by the police because I'm trying to
catch up to him. He is long gone.
(05:06):
Then I texted him and said, you know, my feelings are hurt
because I am driving this up there for you.
Like, if you don't want my help,then, you know, you could have
just rented a truck and taken ityourself.
And then I thought he'd be like,Gee, mom, I'm so sorry.
Instead, he was like, that's your problem.
(05:29):
If it's if it hurts your feelings, that's on you.
And I was like, you know what jerk?
So he's usually a very sweet boy, But in my mind I have these
ideas of how heartfelt and incredible it's going to be and
how they're going to just say thanks we want.
It to be perfect because part oftheir lives haven't been
(05:51):
perfect. That's true.
And and then so after drop off, you know, of course the social
media stuff, Oh yeah, which I'm like, why am I on here?
And everybody's posts about their perfect happy child in
college and. Right.
It's all peachy perfect. It's but you know.
(06:13):
That's Facebook. But that's it's fake book.
Yeah. I mean, I I had my kids smile
and and take a picture, but I had to force it.
He's like, I don't want to take a picture.
I was like, you get over here and then, you know, he looks all
happy and you think, oh, it was such a great draw.
I know and I made a post and it it looks all happy and fun but I
(06:37):
but I wrote it wasn't peachy perfect.
You did write that you did. Write that.
Yeah, that's the thing. That's what gets me into trouble
is the idea in my head versus what actually happens.
And, and like you said, wanting it to be perfect for them.
And your heart is breaking if you feel like they don't have
any friends yet. And what if, how are they going
(06:59):
to meet people? And, you know, is anyone going
to know that their dad died and cut them a little slack like
that? That's something that I, you
know, I would love to e-mail allof their professors and say.
This kid. I know, I know, but you know the
Mama bear wants to keep protecting them.
(07:19):
Oh 100% the way I communicate now is with both of my boys is
Snapchat. Which I'm very impressed 'cause
I don't. Understand what I said today to
Zach. OK.
Yeah, T what I can do? I can start snapping them.
I I would snap like the other day I was like texting him.
Like did you talk to that professor about or your advisor
(07:43):
about changing class or whatever?
And he wouldn't respond. And so I took a picture of Opal
and wrote a little message on there.
That is. How?
Yes, that's hilarious. That is how you can get them to
respond is by sending a picture of their pet 100% and.
(08:03):
You can just message once you start a chat.
In there you can keep chatting. And they're on Snap more than
they. Respond to that.
Yeah, right now. So now it's working.
Well, what would you say? So we, Holly and I, one of the
ways we are exercising our free bird rights is by taking a trip.
(08:24):
And that's something that I think we were so smart to do.
Something to look forward to, something to plan right after
you take your kid to school, then you have something to kind
of some distraction. Spirits.
Yeah. And I just have to also let go.
Like I'm a little nervous. I want them to be more settled
(08:44):
before I leave on a trip, but I can't control that.
No, no. And what I mean, what do you
think you'd be able to do? Like, like I said jokingly, I
would love to be emailing all ofthe professors, but I I can't.
And I will share an embarrassingstory of helicopter parenting
gone wrong. I.
(09:06):
Was. In my kids schedule like right
so I have their login which isn't necessarily the best
thing. Don't do what I do.
You have to have their login so you can pay tuition I mean.
Well, they can make you an authorized user, but you have to
have their login so that you cancheck to make sure they're
actually going to class. Well, I like to see when they're
(09:29):
great. No, I hadn't even like with
Gabe. I'm not once he's a senior in
college and I have not once checked his grades.
Oh wow no I made the mistake of not checking grades with my
first kid and she wasn't going to class and I didn't find out
until the end of the school yearwhen it was too late to do
(09:51):
anything about it. And I know that there are
parents on there that go let them fail and let them you know,
that's. An expensive fail.
Right, exactly. I'm not going to let my aunt.
Well, look, I did let her fail, but I hate those people that get
on like people get on Facebook and ask questions like can you
help me? My you know, my student is
(10:14):
struggling with her roommate andI don't know, I'm, I'm trying to
help her, right? And then all these parents,
these know it all parents will get on and be like, it's called
adulting. Let her handle it.
And I'm like, you know what I mean?
You can bite it. These moms just want help and
support. And I'm sorry but I don't care
(10:35):
what you say, there are some kids.
Not all 18 year olds are the same.
And some 18 year olds are more like 45 year olds and some 18
year olds are more like 12 year olds.
And some 18 year olds have had trauma in their life.
And if I want to fucking get on and ask for some help then I
don't need you know it all parent coming on and giving me a
(10:57):
hard time. Yeah, those parents shouldn't
even chime in. No zip it all right?
Anyway back to my helicopter andfail.
So I had my kids log in and it was before school started and he
has a certain schedule. But I noticed that on Monday,
Wednesday, Friday, his first class and only class started at
(11:18):
like 2:00. And I was like, oh, that's.
Why did you even meddle in that?OK, well because I was trying to
make his life easier so. Now he's in.
So now, so then I noticed that there was a Spanish class at
11:30 instead of it too. And I'm like, this is great.
And so I did talk to him first and I said, hey, I noticed that
(11:39):
there is an earlier Spanish class.
And of course I also went to rate my professor to make sure
that the professor was good. Which no dude, that is such a
helicopter. Actually, it's a lawnmower.
It's a lawnmower parent where you try to just get rid of all
the obstacles in their way instead of letting them handle
(11:59):
it. So whatever.
So he said, yeah, that sounds great.
I said, great. I changed his schedule and then
he came home for the weekend andI go, how's school going?
And he goes, oh, it's great, except for my Spanish class.
And I go, oh, no, what, what is it?
He goes, I'm in a heritage Spanish class and I go, what's
that? And he goes, it's for kids who
(12:20):
have lived in a Spanish speakinghousehold or been exposed to the
language their whole life. And I was.
Like or Campbell. Oh my gosh.
Well, I had the same thing happen with Zach today because
he did not go to his one of his classes for a whole week because
he was going to switch it and then he decided not to switch
(12:41):
it, so he's missed class. Yeah, stuff like that literally
fills me with anxiety. Like I will wake up in the
middle of the night. I did wake up in the middle of
the night worrying about his heritage.
I just texted Campbell. But here's the the difference,
right? Of like, like what this, this is
(13:01):
the difference in being a widow and not being a widow.
If Hunter were here, I there's no way I would have been quote
UN quote allowed to do some of the shit I've done.
He would have put a stop to it. He would have, you know, handled
it or told me to to step off or whatever.
These are the times when my husband would keep me from
(13:23):
spiraling and keep me from beingwell.
You have somebody, a sounding board like you could discuss it,
right? And you and you come up with a
something in the middle, like myhusband would be more like the
know it all parent of like, well, he's got to figure it out.
And then I'm more of the my baby.
So if he were alive, there wouldbe something in the middle,
(13:45):
right? In other words, Campbell would
be in a regular Spanish class instead of the Heritage.
Spanish. Well, maybe he can get some of
those Spanish speaking students to help him.
I'm going to let it go. Anything else that we want to
share about free birding it? Every time I say free bird I am
imagining someone giving the bird.
(14:09):
Just just so you know. I think just we're all going
through transitions, even Lacey and Kira, and we're all kind of
feeling like we need to focus onother things and family and.
Oh yeah. So in in light of being free
birds and we are going to be traveling, we're going to be a
little less consistent. Just more sporadic with our
(14:32):
episodes. Yes, we're going to try to
really fully embrace this new transition.
And for me, I want to try to figure out what I want for
myself, you know? Let me know if you figure it out
OK. Hopefully it'll it'll include
you. But yeah, just take some time
and figure out what's next for all of us.
(14:54):
And this is a new transition. Kira still has a child that just
started her freshman year of high school, which is a really
important time to be fully available.
You think that it's when they'reyounger, but really it's when.
They're older. It's like so much harder.
Oh, it's so much harder. And you have to, don't be fooled
(15:17):
by the fact that, oh, they don'twant anything to do with us.
That's when you have to be the most aware of what they're
doing. Yeah, 'cause they can get into a
lot of trouble and they need us,but they don't.
They don't even know they need us.
So anyway, the point is, I thinkwe're going to still be here for
(15:37):
you guys, but it's going to be alittle less consistent.
We do have a new Facebook group called Every Widow Thing
Insiders and that is a perfect way for our listeners to
interact with each other, yes. Get on there and or join the
Facebook. Group.
Yeah, you can join the Facebook group and continue to, you know,
(16:00):
check in with us. We're always available to read
your DMS and ask or answer any questions that you might have.
I think it's also a good time ora good way on the Every Widow
Thing Insiders group to connect with people in your area.
We've had a lot of listeners reach out and say they don't
(16:21):
know anybody wherever they live,in other cities, away from.
That's a great, that's, that's actually a great.
I I want to do a podcast episodeon that because we have had
several people say that they're super lonely and they can't find
their group. So it would be great if we could
(16:42):
come up with some helpful tips for those people.
The first tip is go join our Every Widow Thing Insiders group
on Facebook. I've actually met other widows
from Austin whose kids go to College in Colorado through the
college Facebook group, right? And that crazy.
(17:04):
That is crazy. This is a great point.
You know, we have had several people talk about how they feel
alone. They are envious that we have
found a group, but we were very lucky because this group came
together mutual friends or in Holly and I's case, the middle
school counselor at the school. But then we also all vibed well
(17:27):
together. I mean, we've all met people
that we didn't necessarily become good friends with, so it
just worked out. Well, and it's also the right
timing and the place you're in and your life.
I mean, because I've gone through like, we've all gone
through ups and downs and met other people, but I didn't
(17:47):
necessarily, like you said, you know, become close friends with
or hang out with. Here's what I have been telling
people. Stop chasing like a group, stop
chasing people and go look for things that bring you joy.
So like for you? Boxing.
(18:09):
Yeah, and you now? Have a boxing group?
Yes. So you found a couple of
exercise groups and you're meeting new people in there and
that's. How I connected with Lacey and
Kira in the beginning. Yeah, that's one way.
Go join a class, an exercise class or a hiking group.
Or if you enjoy crocheting like there are.
(18:32):
Cooking. Yeah, but.
Fine, take cooking classes. But here's the thing.
Because I have so many people tocook, right?
Because you really need to get those skills going.
I mean, travel there has to be like, well, there are.
Travel groups. And remember we had an episode
about travel with our friend Tiffany, right?
Rebuilding Joy. So you can find those groups,
(18:55):
but those aren't necessarily groups that you find in your
hometown. That's just something that OK.
You're right. I'm going off.
Yeah, off the rail. Right, You want to find your
group in your hometown, find a group church or yes, and you can
go there's there's something called meetup.com.
You can go to Facebook and just type in like Austin.
Running And there's the the Austin, what's it called, the
(19:19):
Facebook widow group. You and you can try to start
your own. If there's not a group on
Facebook, start your own group. See if you can find people that
way. But do activities.
Find activities that you enjoy and go do them consistently.
It's not one cooking class, it'sa six week cooking class course
(19:39):
where you actually get to know some people in the group, or you
go to the same boxing class every week and you get to know
those people. And then the other thing that I
suggest is volunteering. Find a church group, or the YMCA
or a food bank or whatever brings you joy at an old
person's home. It's called a nursing home.
(20:05):
And. Nursing home.
Or if you still have school agedchildren volunteer at their
school. When I first moved here, that's
when I. Don't go back and volunteer at
the school. I don't think you're allowed to
volunteer if you don't have a kid there then just random
people could show up at your kids school.
Well, they'll do background checks.
I can take all this out. I don't think so.
(20:27):
Anyway. Don't give up hope of finding
your people. You just have to sometimes dig.
Deeper like if you used to have OK.
You just won't let it go. Yes, if you.
I'm like, wait. If your kids went to an
elementary school but they're incollege, you could still maybe
show up at the elementary schooland be.
(20:47):
Like a little bit. Weird, I'd like to volunteer
here. You get my point though.
Go put yourself in situations that bring you joy with people
that you will see consistently and the relationships will come.
Well, this is, I mean, this is exactly what I've been telling
my son. Yeah, that just started college.
(21:09):
His roommate didn't show up. He knows no one.
And I said you are only going tomeet people if you put yourself
out there. So I told them to go to the rec
center and play basketball, you know, join a club.
Yeah, same. Thing it is, it is and it's not
easy. And I recognize, look, when I
(21:30):
moved to Austin, it was going tobe difficult even if my husband
hadn't died because my kids were.
Now in middle school. You're not having after school
play dates where you're sitting there getting to know the other
parent. It it takes more effort.
Wait, you had me over for a playdate?
I did. It was an adult play date, but
you know. When Zach came over.
(21:50):
Yes, no, you're right. I you have to.
Make I'm kidding. It's because you lived so far
away. But you exactly, you didn't want
to have to drive back home, but you have to make an effort and
and it's not as easy as it was when your kids were in school or
if you had your spouse to be a couple with and go out and meet
other couples. Well, and also, even if you're
invited to a party, that was a big thing I had to overcome
(22:14):
walking into a party alone. Go to the party, even if you go
alone. I mean, obviously you knew
someone 'cause you were invited.To the party.
So go to the party. That's the hard part, especially
when you're depressed and down. It's very difficult to even get
up and force yourself to take a shower, much less get dressed
(22:34):
and go to a party. It's very awkward, but if you
are truly wanting to find your people then.
Yeah, and it may not always workout.
You may not have fun at that party, but you might have fun at
another party. I mean, you know, you can't like
just say, oh, I don't want to goto a party last time and it
(22:56):
wasn't fun or just or I felt lonely or whatever, but.
A lot of it is about consistency.
That's why I was saying if you're going to take a class,
make sure you go to that class multiple times 'cause it's not
like you're going to immediatelystart talking to people in the
boxing class the first time you go, it's going to take away I.
Know and you only came one time,Whitney.
(23:18):
I don't need any more friends, especially friends that like to
work out you know you want. To find.
Activities that you love doing and then you're going to meet
the people that also love to do those things.
One other suggestion that I have, and granted this is one,
it really depends on your age I guess.
But Bumble is a dating app, but it also has the BFF side where
(23:42):
you can go and put in your information to try to find other
friends who may be in the same boat as you.
No, it's not sad. Holly is making a tears go down
her cheek, but it's not sad. You do what you need to do, you
know, get yourself out there, meet people, try new things.
(24:03):
Don't give up. You do.
There are people out there for you.
It's just sometimes difficult tofind them.
It's just like I would tell my kid, if you go into the lunch
room and you don't have anyone to sit with, find that other kid
that's sitting by themselves. I told I told Zach the same
thing going into the dining halland he looked at me like I was.
Crazy. It's not easy, especially for
(24:25):
someone who is shy, you know, toget put yourself out there.
But if you again can find an activity, maybe lunch, it is a
hard thing. You're finding an activity that
you have in common with somebody.
So those are my two cents. But we know it can.
Be the bar by yourself. Oh Lord no, do not go to the bar
(24:47):
by yourself on that note. Sit at the bar at a restaurant.
Why you're no eat OK, but Howardno and meet people.
OK, take this part out. No dude, it's staying in.
I don't, I don't know, look, maybe, maybe, who knows.
Do what makes you feel comfortable, but find something
(25:10):
that brings your door. Oh, the dog park if you have a
dog. If you don't have a dog, I.
Keep meaning to do that. Maybe get a dog and then you
walk the dog and you go to the dog park.
It takes a little bit of time, but don't give up.
And again, join our Every Widow Thing insider group where you
can meet some people that way that at least I know it's
(25:30):
virtual, but at least it gives you a little bit of a connection
why you're trying to. Find there have been people that
have connected. I think they were from San Diego
maybe that have connected on theinsider.
Group. One other suggestion, if you
aren't working, consider gettinga part time job substitute teach
(25:52):
at your local. Schools.
Lots of children. Well, you've learned to you,
you. You can meet the parents or you
can meet people in the office. I don't know.
Do something. To get out of your house, you're
definitely not gonna meet anyonesitting in your room.
Go to a coffee shop and open up your laptop and pretend like
you're working. These are all really great
(26:14):
ideas. Anyway, it's not easy,
especially when you're grieving.And then it's awkward too
because you're like, hi, my name's Whitney, my husband's
dead. And then everyone's like, nice
to meet you, but it is doable. Don't give up.
Yeah, don't give up. Don't give up.
Keep going. Keep going survive and thrive
(26:36):
all right until next time guys thanks for listening and again,
we really appreciate the audience that we have don't stop
connecting with us on our socialmedia.
We will be back with lots more stories, advice and we.
Also love DMS and emails. Thank you for those who have
(26:56):
sent things in. Yeah, yeah, it's nice.
And we can hear from people. We hope you have a great week.
We'll be back soon.
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