May 5, 2025 • 30 mins
Very few of us grew up in perfect homes with parents who modeled a flawless marriage. Real intimacy and unity in marriage takes intentionality, growth, and a lifelong commitment to love and bearing with one another.
On this episode of the Everyday Disciple Podcast, Caesar and his wife, Tina, share 7 “secrets” that have helped them stay connected and united through more than 36 years of marriage. You’ll definitely want to take notes!
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- Why your marriage may be the clearest picture of the gospel others will see
- What date nights can and can’t do for your relationship
- Why getting away without the kids is more important than you think
- 7 secrets that have helped us stay united for the long haul
Get started here… From this episode: “Don’t hide your marriage imperfections. Find a community of trusted believers that are on your team and are mature enough they’ll speak the truth in love to you when needed. Seek wise counseling when you are stuck or at an impasse. Don’t assume if you sweep issues and patterns under the rug long enough, they’ll go away. Bring them into the light!”
Each week the Big 3 will give you immediate action steps to get you started.
Download today’s BIG 3 right now. Read and think over them again later. You might even want to share them with others…
Thanks for Listening!
Thanks so much for joining us again this week. Have some feedback you’d like to share? Join us on Facebook and take part in the discussion! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it using the social media buttons you see at the top of this page or right below. Also, please subscribe and leave an honest review for The Everyday Disciple Podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Ratings and reviews are extremely helpful and greatly appreciated! They do matter in the rankings of the show, and we read each and every one of them. Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode: Coaching with Caesar and Tina in discipleship and missional living. Free Discipleship and Missional Resources In light of today’s topic, you might find this helpful: 5 Steps To An Awesome Date Night With Your Spouse
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Caesar Kalinowski (00:01):
Don't hide your marriage imperfections.
Find a community of trusted believers that are on your team, right, and they'remature enough that they'll speak the truth and love to you when it's needed.
So trying to maintain a false front kind of quote unquote, ofperfection will actually lead to disunity in your marriage 'cause.
You realize you're both faking it all the time in front of everybody.
So then you don't wanna be anywhere, you know, and it'll set others up forchallenges and false expectations of their own, in their own marriages.
(00:27):
So seek some, you know, wise counseling when you need it or when you're stuck.
And don't assume that if you sweep issues and weird patterns under the rug.
Long enough that they'll just go away, bring 'em out into the light.
Heath Hollensbe (00:49):
Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
In other words.
Discipleship as a lifestyle.
This is the stuff your parents, pastors and seminary professors probably forgot to tell you.
And now here's your host, Cesar Kalinowski.
Caesar Kalinowski (01:09):
I am here with you, my brother, but I also have, uh, your sister Tina, my wife Tina with us today.
It's Gonnas, a little guest.
Yeah.
Glad to have you on this thing.
It's been a while.
Tina Kalinowski (01:18):
Yeah.
It's great to be back.
Caesar Kalinowski (01:19):
Tina's a, I think, perennial favorite when we have her on the show.
Oh yeah.
Before we dive in too much, brother, didn't you just get back from alittle, you had a little vacation, sort of a working heart, uh, soul.
Yeah.
Was amazing care type of time.
Right.
Heath Hollensbe (01:34):
I was in, uh, Jackson, Michigan of all places, and if you don't remember David McDonald from episode 1 29 where he was talking about the pursuit of happiness.
Got to go spend a week with him, led music at his church for three different services there.
But it was, uh, he just bought this house that's likean 8,000 square foot Victorian home in Jackson and he's.
Renovating the whole place and it's got Jim, is it amazingrecording studios and velvet wallpaper with brass ceilings.
(01:58):
It's stunning.
It's one of those beautiful, it's a Graceland.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Caesar Kalinowski (02:01):
Needs the green shag everywhere
Heath Hollensbe (02:03):
it kind of feel.
Yeah, it's hardwood floors and they like cut out little emblems in.
You ever been to Graceland?
Oh yeah, Memphis.
It's crazy.
Caesar Kalinowski (02:10):
I always tell people like after going to Graceland, it's like the only question remaining is was the green She carpeting.
Longer on the floor or the ceilings?
There's a lot of it that is, there is a ton of it,
Heath Hollensbe (02:21):
but no.
Yeah, he bought this and it's a creative resource center for, uh, creativesin the church and, and people in ministry, and so it's gonna be with him.
I'm so excited for that.
That's gonna be great.
Yeah.
Can't wait to
Caesar Kalinowski (02:30):
hear.
And see and experience the fruit of that and what you guys are kind of building out of there.
That's really cool.
That's gonna be great.
Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe (02:37):
Well, hey, today we are talking about, um, seven secrets to long-term like marriage unity, right?
Caesar Kalinowski (02:42):
Yeah.
We started talking about this a few weeks ago.
I was kinda mentioning to you, oh, hey, on one of our coachingcalls, you know, because we had just celebrated 36 years of marriage.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Whoa.
And a bunch of our coaching folks were going like, okay, we got questions for you then.
Like, we knew it was a long time, but like, you've been married longer than we're alive.
Some of them, you know?
Yeah.
Pushing forward decades.
And so, yeah, so we, we.
(03:04):
Anyway.
Yeah.
So that we kind of pulled together a list and, uh, shared it.
Like, not like it's definitive or like, oh, you know.
Sure.
But, uh, anyway, so yeah, we're gonna get into a little bit ofthat today and kind of share what we shared with the coaching.
'cause it, they did, did bless them.
We thought, well, why not put on the show?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why not put on some, alright,
Heath Hollensbe (03:20):
so three and a half.
You guys have been, uh, married longer than I've been alive.
Which is, which is awesome.
Don't you just wish I was your, your dad and you guys, you guyscombined to have less gray hair than I do on my single head.
Wow.
Which is amazing.
Well, we talked to Kristen.
She can shorten that up for you.
But I imagine over those, those three and a half decades, you guys have probablybeen through a ton together from raising kids to buying and selling businesses.
(03:44):
Yeah.
And, and that includes not just a certain industry, but different types from music to restaurants.
We've done a lot houses.
You guys have done ministry all, all over the world together.
So I wanna hear a little bit about the backstory.
How did.
You guys meet?
When did you meet?
How's, how's that go?
Tina Kalinowski (03:57):
We are actually, uh, high school sweethearts.
Aw,
Heath Hollensbe (04:00):
aw, come on.
Right
Tina Kalinowski (04:01):
at at the Caesar's Talent Show.
When his rock band was playing at the talent show.
And, and I was instantly in love.
Funny story.
I've seen the
Heath Hollensbe (04:09):
pictures of Caesar back then.
Yeah.
And, and that was love.
Caesar Kalinowski (04:12):
Yeah.
So I was in a band called Chain Reaction.
Okay.
And we applied for the talent show.
And that year the teacher who was running it decided she didn't wanna do a standard talent contest.
'cause that was, you know, it was like.
Then there's losers and there's winners.
Sure.
You know?
Sure.
Yeah.
Exactly.
'cause we're gonna win anyway.
He said, no, your band will play, but you'll, what you'lldo is you'll be the band that plays for all the other acts.
(04:34):
'cause we're going to mirror this after the Donnie Marie show.
Okay.
The Osmonds.
Yeah.
Well, we don't know how to play anybody else's music.
We could barely play our own.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, sure.
A couple songs, we were just kids, you know.
So we said, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not doing that.
We're not backing anybody up.
That's not who we are.
We're not that good and we're just gonna do our stuff.
And she was like, well you can take your chain and react somewhere else.
Heath Hollensbe (04:54):
Oh wow.
She kinda, she shad
Caesar Kalinowski (04:57):
us, but then we had to get to do, we got to do the show anyway and that's, we did it.
Oh,
Tina Kalinowski (05:00):
pink sat in black boots, the whole
Caesar Kalinowski (05:03):
yard.
Yeah.
Sometimes you gotta work.
It was closer.
Is that when you knew Tina?
He
Tina Kalinowski (05:05):
like this guy.
That's when I knew he's mine.
I did actually meet him before the pink setin came out, but uh,
Caesar Kalinowski (05:10):
but that locked it down.
Tina Kalinowski (05:11):
Oh man.
That and the long blonde hair.
She told
Caesar Kalinowski (05:14):
her best friend that night.
Tina Kalinowski (05:16):
Yeah.
I, I did.
I actually, it's one of the few times, and I will say this in allseriousness, that we're like, I feel like God actually spoke to me.
Heath Hollensbe (05:23):
Wow.
Tina Kalinowski (05:24):
And I heard, like somebody was speaking in my ear, this is the guy you're gonna marry.
And I, I was turned around and told my best friend, I said, this is the guy I'm gonna marry.
And she said.
What, you're 16.
You're not gonna marry anybody at all.
He said this 17
Caesar Kalinowski (05:37):
times this week.
Yeah, exactly.
No, no.
Tina Kalinowski (05:40):
But uh, and I barely, I mean, I had just met him, so it kind of weird.
I like to, I like to
Caesar Kalinowski (05:44):
remind her of that a lot when she wants to doubt my leader.
So we're gonna jump way ahead.
So we have done a lot of stuff.
I think we've owned 17 businesses together, something like that.
I kind of dream these up.
Then Tina runs them.
Heath Hollensbe (05:57):
That's
Caesar Kalinowski (05:57):
awesome.
Uh, and then we sell 'em.
Okay.
And then, uh, we have three.
Grown children and you know, a lot of the long-term listeners know this, but yeah.
We have three grown children.
Our firstborn, Caesar, Caesar four.
Yep.
Who is 30 years old.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, and then he's got his own son, Caesar five, just awesome.
And then Kristen.
Yep.
And who has a grandson, Patton, right?
(06:18):
That's right.
And another one on the way.
She's got a little girl, just saw the photos yesterday, cooking so awesome in there.
Right.
And then Justine, uh, our, our youngest, our little bird, who's not that yet, who's not married yet.
Yeah.
She's not married yet, but.
Uh, but working on that.
Right.
So anyway, so yeah.
So we have been together for a long time and, uh, and you know, you're bound to learn some things.
Yeah.
Especially if you stick this long and you still like each other and have fun.
(06:41):
And then Yeah.
Yeah.
And our life too is, um, it's, it's probably a bit, uh.
Too much together in some ways.
Sure.
Because we're best friends and we work together and we work fromhome and we coach together and of course then we vacation together.
And grandpa, we do
Tina Kalinowski (06:55):
spend a lot of time together for sure.
Caesar Kalinowski (06:57):
Yeah.
More than ever.
Tina Kalinowski (06:58):
Maybe, maybe, maybe too much.
I just say a sense he's on vacation by himself last year with his best friend, so Yeah.
It happens sometimes.
Sometimes you gotta That's, and
Caesar Kalinowski (07:06):
that's some of the things we've learned too, is you do need some me time sometimes.
Or, or non, as his team likes to refer to as non Caesar time.
No, I'm kidding.
Just kidding.
Heath Hollensbe (07:16):
So one of the things we're talking about off air was like, uh, there has to be some sort of pattern of, of things that you guys have helped.
I. Are, are things you guys have found that have helped youover the 30 plus years to help you find and also maintain unity?
Yeah.
Throughout your marriage?
Yeah.
Would and uh, you guys were saying there was like seven that you'vekind of over the recent couple weeks really kind of honed in on.
Would you mind sharing, like talking
Caesar Kalinowski (07:36):
through
Heath Hollensbe (07:36):
those a bit?
Yeah,
Caesar Kalinowski (07:37):
we got asked, you know, like I said by some of the coaching folks, like, Hey, you know, what are some of the things?
And we said, well.
I don't know.
So we were having coffee one morning we started talkingabout it and then we said, Ooh, we should write that down.
Oh, we should write those down.
So then by the time we got done writing, we had seven.
Oh, wow.
It's a biblical number.
So we didn't mean to, and we'll share 'em real quick.
Okay.
They're not necessarily, like I said, uh, these astounding things, but they've kind ofadded up to, well, 36 years of marriage and being on the same page for the most part.
(08:04):
Sure.
So here they are, uh, pretty quickly.
So first thing is consistently doing date nights.
Yep.
Like, like really kind of trying to hold that as sacred.
Not that we never miss, or you know, we have 36 years of,you know, times 52 date nights or something like that.
Yeah.
Tina Kalinowski (08:19):
We've had a lot of misses.
For sure.
But
Caesar Kalinowski (08:21):
we've had more solid runs in strings of doing date nights.
Hmm.
Um, and meaningful date nights.
And we can even put in the show notes like, um, I've got a littlemini teaching on how to have an awesome date night with your spouse.
Yeah.
You know?
Really?
Tina Kalinowski (08:32):
Yeah.
Because a date night is not a night where you go to dinner and sit ina movie and don't talk to each other and then get in an argument about.
Bills and Yeah.
You know, kids and who's doing intent in morning.
That is not a date night.
Your
Heath Hollensbe (08:45):
date night is not going to get diapers at Costco either.
No.
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (08:48):
It's like, yeah, hopefully not mostly, you know what I mean?
And we know some people said like, well, our last date was at Costco and we get a lot of free snacksand then went home and sat in the driveway for an hour 'cause the kids didn't know we were home.
You know, it's, well, it beats nothing, but it's, it's not exactly the goal.
The goal is really to dream a little bit, to have your hearts open towards one another.
To Sure.
Kind of To
Tina Kalinowski (09:06):
connect.
Caesar Kalinowski (09:07):
Yeah.
To connect and see what's going on.
So.
So date nights, that's a big thing.
I'll tell you.
It is phenomenal now to watch our two married children, Cesarand Kristen, uh, consistently adhere to doing date nights.
Heath Hollensbe (09:17):
Hmm.
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (09:18):
And, uh, we are often as the grandparents, the ones that can afford that for them by watching the babies.
Sure.
So, date nights, that's been a big one.
Uh, if you're not doing date nights out there, I just wanna encourage you to do that.
Uh, quit making the excuses.
It's not about money.
They don't have to be expensive.
You can always find babysitting if you think ahead.
Swap it out, do trade outs, whatever.
It doesn't
Tina Kalinowski (09:37):
have to be at night.
It could be at breakfast, it could be at lunch, it could be at home after the kids go to bed.
As long as you're really very intentional about whatyou're doing with your time and how you're connecting.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski (09:49):
So next thing is, um, we have from pretty early on and pretty broke on in our marriage, which is still today.
Uh, we took vacations together, Tina and I, without the kids.
Okay.
We,
Heath Hollensbe (10:02):
we
Caesar Kalinowski (10:02):
kind of got into a pattern when they were pretty young, um, of taking a, a week, a year if we could, uh, four or five
days minimally, but a week, a year where we didn't take the kids.
Heath Hollensbe (10:13):
Hmm.
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (10:14):
Just going without 'em.
Yeah.
That
Tina Kalinowski (10:15):
really, we, we had a few years from the time that we had our first, until the time that we'd had our third, where we really didn't get those vacations.
And by that time, I think I, my head was about ready to explode.
Yeah.
You know, we'd had a lot of little family time vacations, but westart to realize we needed more than two hours and on a date Sure.
To connect and to relax and.
Caesar Kalinowski (10:37):
Or you know how it is when you go on vacation with the kids?
Loads of fun, not very relaxed.
A lot of work, not necessarily a lot of hard work with you and your spouse.
And so sure.
We started doing vacations without the kids and some of 'em were very, very low budge.
Other times we just caught a killer deal on a cruise and had the worst room on the boat.
We didn't care.
Yeah.
'cause you know, it was, all the meals are included and we're in, you know?
Yep.
Good to go.
(10:57):
Which by the
Tina Kalinowski (10:57):
way, is actually some of the tea.
Cheapest, uh, vacations you can ever take first.
Oh, we love them.
Love.
Yeah.
They're the best.
Yeah, they are.
Caesar Kalinowski (11:02):
You know, unless you have some crazy boat fear, which you don't really need to, you know, anyway, so yeah.
Vacationing without the kids has been a big thing throughout the years.
Hmm.
Tina Kalinowski (11:11):
Yeah.
At least one week a year is great.
If you can like.
Set that as a goal that That's awesome.
Caesar Kalinowski (11:17):
Yeah.
That's really cool.
And the reason we say a week is because, I mean, if you couldsay, well, there's no way we're gonna get a week this year.
Well then try to do a long weekend.
But yeah, for us it took, because we were running businesses Sure.
It took a good two to three days just to decompress.
Yep.
Enough to actually start, enjoy anything and wake up and talk and you know what I mean?
Yeah.
And to get
Tina Kalinowski (11:35):
past feeling like we had to talk about like problem stuff.
Caesar Kalinowski (11:38):
Yep.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
So often with.
Parenting, uh, everything you talk about when the kids aren't sittingthere is all the problems with the kids and this thing at school and this
bill, and how are we gonna afford braces and all, you know, for all that.
And so, just like with date nights, it's not about that.
Don't solve problems.
Don't, you know?
Uh, same with the vacations.
We tried to not make them our cleanup, you know, for all of our problems in life.
(12:01):
We tried to let, let's go have fun.
Yep.
You know, connect.
Yeah, there's always time to clean stuff up.
A lot of blessings in life.
Let's rehearse that kind of stuff.
Um, third one.
Road trip
Tina Kalinowski (12:09):
dreaming.
Caesar Kalinowski (12:10):
Yeah.
Road trip dreaming.
We'll have to explain what we mean by that.
Yes.
So when we would do either work trips or car trips with the kidsand vacations and different things like that, um, we found, like, we
didn't intentional it at first, but then we did start to intent it.
Mm-hmm.
We would do these road trips and the kids would be either, you know,headphones in the back watching a movie or something, or sleeping.
(12:30):
We had our best conversations about the future.
Oh wow.
That's the way we call 'em road trip dreaming because we would like,we would just be talking and stuff would be on the radio and next thing
you know it's like, Hey, what have you been thinking about work lately?
Or what are you been thinking about church lately?
Or ministry or, yeah.
And it's like, you know, I've been thinking this like, yo, me too.
And we would just kind of dream and it was kind of thosetimes that we, I don't know, open road kind of thing.
(12:52):
Yeah.
And we would find that we did our best sort of what if thing and isGod saying this and let's start praying more about that together and.
Um, and yeah, and just kind of thinking about what could be next for us as a couple,as a family for careers, all that is our time to dream a little bit, you know?
That's cool.
Tina Kalinowski (13:10):
It was dreaming, it was also just kind of connecting with the spirit.
What are you hearing from the spirit?
What's God telling you?
Sure.
And, and then oftentimes it was great because we'd find that we were very much on the same.
Path.
Like we, like God was speaking to us in very harmonious ways and that, you know, something we
Caesar Kalinowski (13:27):
hadn't spoken about to each other.
Sure.
We found out like not only have we not, but we should and we need to, and we just did.
But you know what we're actually God's on got us on the same track or the same page.
Heath Hollensbe (13:37):
Comes out on road trips.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah.
For it did for us a lot.
It's cool.
Has ever experienced
Caesar Kalinowski (13:40):
that?
Heath Hollensbe (13:40):
Yeah.
Actually just Saturday we did Rainier, like seven hoursof driving around the whole thing and up top and down.
It was the same thing as like I was telling Kathleen, she said, I just, Iremember being a kid and my parents wanted a road trip all the time, and we
hated it as kids, but now the older we get, we're like, no, it's so awesome.
Yeah.
So
Caesar Kalinowski (13:55):
we're trying to get a roach.
Last week we were gonna do like a three day down to go see the redwoods or something.
Heath Hollensbe (14:00):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (14:00):
And the week just.
Didn't, it didn't afford It didn't happen.
Yeah, it didn't happen.
It didn't work.
No.
So, but we're kind of feeling it now after sharing these un coaching.
Time to go time for some road trip dreams.
Go.
Alright, next one is, um, that we, we noticed lookingback over marriages that we, we do a lot of debriefing.
Of situations, and I'll explain what I mean in a second and sort of closing theloop on things, meaning after we would do a vacation or after we would do some
(14:26):
sort of a training together or a ministry thing or have say, a staff meeting or,
Tina Kalinowski (14:30):
or a party at our house.
Sure.
Or yeah,
Caesar Kalinowski (14:33):
open table.
A vacation.
Yeah.
Or whatever.
We would, we would sort of do a debrief, Hey, what did you think about last week?
Huh?
And that conversation that we had with the kids or, uh, you know, or the, you know, we hadeverybody over this week from the neighborhood and what's, what do you think's going on there?
Like with so and so, they seem to be leaning in and they, they're awesome.
You know, we're loving them and we, or what do you think we could do better next time?
Or what, what.
(14:53):
Why was I stressing then?
Or why were you stressing then?
You know?
Sure.
So we kind of, we found that when we're doing bigger things that requiresome planning and effort and, and they could be the kind of things that
you tend to worry about people's perceptions or how they went or Sure.
All that we would do some debriefing and kind of close the loop on that stuff.
You know, like, okay, well next time let's try this.
Or you know what, I'm gonna be more considerate about that and try to help better or shut up more.
(15:16):
Or, I don't need to stress about that now that we've talked about it or whatever.
But instead of just sort of going event to, event to thing to thing.
We found that we've been pretty consistent and intentional about sort of debriefing.
Hmm.
Big and small.
They don't have to be big old things, but um, you know, we justwent on a trip the other day with some friends in the neighborhood.
We kind of debriefed it after we got home.
That's cool.
And it was just kind of a way of going, how, how did you experience it and how did you, okay, great.
(15:39):
What, alright, where are we going?
Alright, good.
So mm-hmm.
Spend some intentional debriefing and sort of closingof the loop on, uh, stuff in life that we co-labor in.
It's a good thing.
Yeah.
It's really cool.
I think builds trust and, uh, understanding and less fearfor the next one or like we're not doing the next one.
Yeah, sure.
Puts a little closure on it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Alright, number five.
(16:00):
Okay, so the next thing.
Is times of prayer both together, but also separate, kind of seeking the spirit's voice in things.
Okay.
Sometimes things that we talked about on our road trip dreaming and we'relike, well, I don't know, but why don't we, why don't we pray about that?
And, you know, this is sort of the big Christian answer, right?
But golly, you gotta be praying.
(16:21):
You get to be praying.
Yep.
As couples, if, if, if we're one flesh and our marriages and ourfamilies are the biggest picture of the gospel that we have, then.
Um, that God's given us then praying together and seeking Dad for how he wants this marriageto look or where we're going in ministry, or how we spend our finances or our parenting.
Tina Kalinowski (16:41):
Yeah.
It's amazing when you pray together and then also pray separately about those same things.
Sure.
How God can really move your heart to, you know, from like maybe feelinglike, oh, we're not supposed to do this, to, no, no, we really should.
And, and I have a piece about it and we've done some kind of.
Crazy things in our lives where I was like, I don't know.
(17:01):
I don't, he God really
Caesar Kalinowski (17:02):
asking us to do this or move there, how could we possibly pull that off away?
And,
Tina Kalinowski (17:06):
and yet then the spirit's, you know, given us.
The go ahead and the peace and, and we've done it and it's worked.
So
Caesar Kalinowski (17:14):
there's nothing like talk about marriage uni.
That's what we're talking about.
There's nothing to bring greater marriage uni, that when you discusssomething, go away and pray, come back and you go, what'd you hear?
That's exactly what the spirit said to me.
Heath Hollensbe (17:25):
Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski (17:25):
Right.
And sometimes it's different.
Uh, I'll give you an example.
Sometimes we don't hear exact same thing, but it still gives us peace.
We'll, like say we see a need, uh, and God, God's putting both on our hearts.
Like, I think we should give to that, or we should tryto help those people, or this situation, or whatever.
Let's go away and pray and see what we come up with.
And for a number,
Heath Hollensbe (17:43):
hmm,
Caesar Kalinowski (17:43):
more than not, we come back with the same exact number.
Heath Hollensbe (17:46):
Really
Caesar Kalinowski (17:47):
sometimes.
'cause I think Teton is more generous than I am.
She'll say, oh, I was thinking this much.
I always go with the, I always go with her.
Heath Hollensbe (17:54):
Okay.
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (17:54):
You know, because it's like, well what's, what's probably closer to the heart of God?
Generosity, you know?
Yeah.
And hopefully we're both here and being generous.
But yeah, I'll tell you together.
And separate prayer is really good for finding unity and confirmation.
And when you do, when you hear the same thing separately, you feel pretty confident.
Like, okay, seems crazy to the world, seems crazy to the kids.
Seems crazy to me, but you know what?
(18:16):
That's really kind of the fleece.
Heath Hollensbe (18:18):
Yeah,
Caesar Kalinowski (18:19):
absolutely.
It came back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So.
All right.
Six.
Okay.
So
Tina Kalinowski (18:23):
this is one that I really, uh, I, I think we don't do enough, and as married couples, we probably don't get enough is individual time alone.
We've kind of tend to feel like, oh, if we're married, weshould be doing everything together as a married couple.
Sure.
And, and we need date nights.
And we need, and, and yes, all of that's true, but you gotta remember that youwere first a person before you were a half of a couple and a, and a mom or a dad.
(18:47):
And so you need to continue to kind of.
Feed into yourself and take care of yourself.
So having times when you go and have a, a fun time with the girls or the guys, um, whereyou do something, take a class, do something that, that it kind of feeds your soul.
Caesar Kalinowski (19:04):
Yep.
Um, kinda like you get away last week.
Yeah.
Tina Kalinowski (19:06):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (19:06):
I mean, I know like there's family, uh, sacrifice.
Maybe that's a strong word, but you know, sure.
You're giving up a week of dad being gone and there was some expenseinvolved that comes outta the family budget and all that, but.
I know it's fed into you.
Yeah, absolutely.
I know, absolutely.
It's built into you big time.
Like body, soul, and spirit.
Heath Hollensbe (19:21):
Got a tattoo while I was there.
Come on.
It was that.
Really?
Yeah, man, I'll tell you about that later.
My goodness.
Yeah.
So I
Tina Kalinowski (19:26):
kind of feel like this is like the airplane, uh, level of health and fitness where like, you know, when the mask come
down, you always have to put your own mask on before you can Oh yeah.
Anybody else.
'cause otherwise you're probably gonna pass out and everybody's gonna die, you know?
So that's a great point for a mom and or, or dad, you know,when you're in charge, you tend to take care of everybody else.
Well, this is you taking care of you.
Yeah.
And it's really
Caesar Kalinowski (19:46):
important having some fun feeling like, Hey, the family can invest in mom having some fun.
Yeah.
Or taking a class
Heath Hollensbe (19:52):
Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski (19:52):
Or, or whatever.
Completely dad.
Yeah.
And I, I just wanna tell everybody listening like, you should not feel guilty about that.
Mm-hmm.
That's not like a luxury.
Jesus went alone.
Yep.
Right.
To be alone.
Went away to be alone a lot.
Yep.
We don't have tons and tons of media on how he spent his spare time,but if you were to put most Chis, you know, chicks and check marks
in the corner, it'd be, well, he went alone to be with dad, you know?
(20:15):
Yeah.
Or he went off to be alone.
It would say.
So you get to be.
Yep.
And like Tina said, I think that building into yourself,now you have health and, you know, awareness to bring to.
The marriage and therefore your family and all that.
Heath Hollensbe (20:27):
Absolutely.
Caesar Kalinowski (20:28):
Okay.
Last one is, um, and there again, like I said, thesearen't in any kinda perfect or yeah, even decided order.
But, um, we've done quite a bit of, of gone to quite a few marriage conferences together.
Huh.
You know, it's like some.
Times I've suggested to people like, Hey, read a good marriage book every year.
Yep.
As a couple, right?
That's a powerful thing to do and it's important.
(20:48):
We both came from families where we did not seem good, healthy Christian marriages modeled at all.
Okay.
Both our mar families, our parents ended in divorce.
Yep.
Though mine got remarried to each other later.
That's whoa.
Episode, different episode.
Um, and um, but we didn't know, and it was one of the few things we knew.
Tina Kalinowski (21:08):
The only thing that we knew when we got married is that we had no idea how to be married or how to be parents.
Huh.
Caesar Kalinowski (21:14):
It's the only thing and how to be Christian parents and how to stay married and how are we gonna not ruin our kids and all that.
Yeah.
And we
Tina Kalinowski (21:19):
agreed because we'd seen what divorce had done to both of our families that when we got married.
Yep.
That was it.
So whatever it took to figure out, we had to just figure it out.
Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe (21:29):
Yep.
That's same with us.
So we did a lot of marriage
Caesar Kalinowski (21:31):
life conferences, you know?
Yep.
Um, and we would go like sometimes year after year.
Yeah.
And then skip a year and go and take other couples and do all that kind of stuff.
So like
Tina Kalinowski (21:42):
those conferences gave us so many foundations and.
Opportunities to discuss things and new tools to put in our tool belt and uh, communication
Caesar Kalinowski (21:52):
skills.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Like crazy.
And I think some years, I'm trying to remember back, I think some yearswe couldn't afford to go, so we hit up like our small group or whatever.
Yeah.
You know, or our parents or everybody we knew like, hey, we really need like.
A hotel for that 'cause it's an overnight, you know?
Heath Hollensbe (22:08):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (22:08):
Or has anybody got points or something we could, you know, get for a room or, you know?
Absolutely.
Because it was important enough to humble ourselves and get after it.
Yep.
And you know what, and I'll tell you what, people in your communityand your family, they step up and honor that kind of stuff.
Oh, for sure.
Hey, we're trying to get, you know, your, your own siblings going like, yeah, we all need something.
'cause mom and dad didn't show us a lot, you know?
Heath Hollensbe (22:27):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (22:27):
And I know some people like, well, I came from a really good family.
You don't have perfect parents.
Yep.
And you're not them.
So.
Get out and learn, write some stuff.
So that was one of the things too that kind of helped us learnhow to be married and communicate well and parent and Huh?
Yeah, all that.
So those are sort of seven things we had kind of come up with that we shared that were like, Ithink these things have all, and still do, contribute to us being on the same page and having unity.
Heath Hollensbe (22:53):
Yeah.
After all those years.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So when it comes to unity, like you were just talking about, if you're anything likeKathleen and I, you'll find that at certain points in your life there's this disunity
where it seems really hard to get back in the same just you guys, you're the only ones.
It's all we wonder sometimes, but like it's hard to get back on the same page.
And so my question is, how did you guys get unstuck in thoseseasons where you just couldn't find yourselves working?
(23:14):
Things out and walking together,
Tina Kalinowski (23:15):
I, you know, this really does happen to everybody.
You know, we have patterns.
Yeah.
And well-worn grooves and, and things that you've learned from your parents that Well,
Caesar Kalinowski (23:24):
we kinda hide and go like, Ooh, that's a little icky, so let's just not fix that or talk about it.
'cause it's a little painful, you know?
So
Tina Kalinowski (23:30):
when you find yourself in that situation, you know, seeking out like an older, you know, married.
A couple or a wise, wise counselors, um, that counseling.
Don't, don't be embarrassed by that stuff.
No.
Caesar Kalinowski (23:42):
Like no one knows how to have a perfect marriage.
Trust me.
Sure.
I don't care.
Even if you came from a great family, no one was born knowing exactly how to do this.
Yeah.
And if you get stuck, the dumbest thing is to let your pride.
Yeah.
Or something get in the way of getting what you need.
Yeah.
And so we've been to counselors a lot.
Heath Hollensbe (23:59):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (23:59):
I mean a lot.
And we never hid it from our kids.
Sure.
Because I don't want them to think, Hey, mom and dad have this perfect marriage.
Well, no.
Don't do a lot of stuff we did.
You know?
Right.
And when you do get stuck, get help.
Yeah.
And I can remember one time, um, pastoring and Tina and I come out of a marriage counseling sessionand in the waiting room for the next couple coming up is a couple that I'm an elder to, you know?
(24:20):
Yeah.
And we're like, Hey, how's it going?
We're like working on some stuff like us too.
I'm like, good on you.
Yeah.
We're all doing it
Heath Hollensbe (24:25):
together.
Caesar Kalinowski (24:25):
Yeah.
So we, that's how we would get unstuck when we just really had prayed and mayberoad tripped on it and talked to some friends and we weren't getting it resolved.
Get a little counseling.
Tina Kalinowski (24:35):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (24:35):
Sometimes you just
Tina Kalinowski (24:36):
need a little help or a lot.
Yeah.
And I'll tell you, having adult kids now, um, hearing them, my, ouryoungest daughter just said recently, um, one of the coolest things that
she learned from us that is that it's okay to not have all the answers.
Yeah.
And to, and to seek out help.
That's cool.
And keep learning.
And she loved the fact that we just kept learning.
Yep.
And, and trying new things and, and going to coun, you know,going to counseling or whatever when, when you needed it.
(25:01):
So.
Heath Hollensbe (25:02):
No, I'm, as you're talking there, Tina, I was thinking about how certain I am that that being part also of being in a local community or missional community or some sort
of small group has also been encouraging and helpful in providing unity for me and my family.
I'm sure it was the same thing for you.
People can kind of call you out when you're out of sync or when you're being a a-hole.
(25:22):
How important is it to live visible and transparent lives with those you're in community with?
And how have you seen those communities in your past help you guys when you need it?
It most,
Tina Kalinowski (25:30):
I think it's ultimately important.
If you're not the same person, it's hard.
'cause
Caesar Kalinowski (25:34):
who wants to be transparent with the bad and the ugly, but the good part, you know?
Yeah.
Tina Kalinowski (25:39):
Yeah.
It is hard.
It's hard to, you know, not to be vulnerable, to not be perfect and to be like havingan argument with your spouse when you're supposed to be leaders in the community.
Yeah.
You know, it's hard to be there, but it, but it, by the same token, we are modeling.
What it looks like to have an argument, to not agree and to either resolve it or uh, not.
Caesar Kalinowski (26:01):
And sometimes you have to seek forgiveness and you go like, well, since we kind of, you know, kind of barfed on each other in public,
then we're gonna also like, repent and seek forgiveness, you know, publicly.
Yeah.
And so that's discipleship in action.
Like really.
'cause who gets to see that, right.
And who gets to experience that and then, or doing it with your kids and all that too.
And there's been times and they, they mark us where people have come to us in community.
(26:24):
Um, and oftentimes much, you know, younger people in USand go, Hey, just wanted to talk to you about something.
You know, last night when the community was together and we were having dinner orwhatever, uh, you know, the way he spoke to Tina came off with pretty hard edge.
I dunno if you felt everybody kind of go eeeeee.
Like, I, I don't know if something's going on, or it was just the way we heard it, or.
How you doing and why?
You know, like what's what with that?
And so, you know, like, wow, that was sinful.
(26:46):
You know?
Yeah.
Or I was thinking this, but it came out sinful.
That was absolutely wrong.
And I did talk to Tina, or I need to, or whatever.
So those are actually really sweet times.
Sure.
And what we found is that life and community and transparent community seems to deal with things.
Way sooner than wait until the wheels are coming off of marriage.
You know?
So like, Hey, we're so and so, oh, they're not in a group anymore.
Why not?
Oh, they're getting divorced.
(27:06):
What?
You know, it's like,
Heath Hollensbe (27:07):
yeah, what
Caesar Kalinowski (27:08):
happened?
Well, so if your community doesn't have that kindof transparency, please strive for it and model it.
And you, that's how you get there, is you just model it.
You be vulnerable.
You admit when stuff's wrong, you come back and go, Hey, last week maybenone of you picked up on it, but my wife did and I wanna, I wanna confess
something that was sinful and I wanna ask for your forgiveness here.
So it's a, it's a big deal.
You're right.
That's good.
It's a big deal,
Heath Hollensbe (27:28):
man.
If you haven't given us enough already, we are now movingtowards the big three, which is the, uh, free download.
You get by going to everyday disciple.com/big three, and if nothing else,that's the takeaways that we want you to walk away with from this episode.
So, uh, Caesar, Tina, what are the big three for this week?
Well, Tina, why don't you give us the first one?
Wow, here we go.
Tina Kalinowski (27:48):
Uh, I would say that the first one is don't expect that, that you somehow intrinsically know how to have a great marriage and close unity as a couple.
Like almost no one was raised in a perfect home with perfectparents who experienced and modeled a perfect marriage.
Mm-hmm.
And marriage takes a lot of work for everyone, but it's worth the effort.
Caesar Kalinowski (28:07):
So worth working on it and doing that.
Yeah.
The legacy we got, we get to leave and the picture.
Yeah.
That's cool.
That leads right into number two is that marriage is a huge picture of the gospeland the foundation for our families, and I think for all of society really.
Sure marriages and you can trace a lot of muckety, weird, broken stuff right now.
Back to marriages, falling apart in Family, families, what your kids and others outside your nuclearfamily see and experience lays a foundation for how they perceive God and life in his kingdom.
(28:37):
It really does like think about that.
Let the weight of that land on you a bit.
And so how we respond under pressure or when we make mistakes or whatwe do when we're not on the same page as a couple, or how we seek and
grant forgiveness, they're all opportunities to grow and model life.
And marriage in light of the gospel.
That's good.
Okay.
All right.
Number three.
I'll, I'll grab this one too.
Go for it.
(28:57):
So, um, don't hide your marriage imperfections.
We said that a while ago, but this is, this is one of the don't misses.
Don't hide your marriage imperfections.
Find a community of trusted believers that are on your team right, and themature enough that they'll speak the truth and love to you when it's needed.
So trying to maintain a false front kind of quote unquote ofperfection will actually lead to disunity in your marriage.
(29:18):
'cause you realize you're both faking it all the time in front of everybody.
So then you don't wanna be anywhere, you know, and it'll set others up forchallenges and false expectations of their own and their own marriages.
So seek wise, seek some, you know, wise counseling when you need it or when you're stuck.
Um, and don't assume if you sweep stuff, you know, issues and weird patterns under the wrong log.
Enough, let me say that again.
(29:40):
And don't assume that if you sweep issues and weird patterns under therug long enough that they'll just go away, bring 'em out into the light.
Okay.
Yeah.
So just let your redemption show.
Heath Hollensbe (29:50):
It's a lot, man.
Thank you guys so much for doing this.
Again, get those for free as a downloadable link by going to everydaydisciple.com/big three, and it'll come right away to your inbox.
If you haven't yet joined our Facebook group, you can do that by going to everydaydisciple.com/facebook, and you can join the conversation that Caesar and I have with.
Everybody in that community each week.
Love it if you join us.
(30:11):
And thanks Tina for being here today.
Tina Kalinowski (30:12):
I'm so glad to be here.
Thanks for having me.
Heath Hollensbe (30:16):
Now, she's off, she's off to a show, a concert tonight, so this, she's outta here.
She's gonna go get her rock and roll on tonight.
I'm gonna
Tina Kalinowski (30:22):
go have fun and invest in myself with my friends without Caesar.
Caesar Kalinowski (30:26):
Without Caesar.
All right, honey.
Heath Hollensbe (30:28):
Thanks for joining us today.
For more information on this show and to get loads of freediscipleship resources, visit everyday disciple.com and remember.
You really can live with a spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.
Don't hide your marriage imperfections.
Find a community of trusted believers that are on your team, right, and they'remature enough that they'll speak the truth and love to you when it's needed.
So trying to maintain a false front kind of quote unquote, ofperfection will actually lead to disunity in your marriage 'cause.
You realize you're both faking it all the time in front of everybody.
So then you don't wanna be anywhere, you know, and it'll set others up forchallenges and false expectations of their own, in their own marriages.
(00:27):
So seek some, you know, wise counseling when you need it or when you're stuck.
And don't assume that if you sweep issues and weird patterns under the rug.
Long enough that they'll just go away, bring 'em out into the light.
Heath Hollensbe (00:49):
Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
In other words.
Discipleship as a lifestyle.
This is the stuff your parents, pastors and seminary professors probably forgot to tell you.
And now here's your host, Cesar Kalinowski.
Caesar Kalinowski (01:09):
I am here with you, my brother, but I also have, uh, your sister Tina, my wife Tina with us today.
It's Gonnas, a little guest.
Yeah.
Glad to have you on this thing.
It's been a while.
Tina Kalinowski (01:18):
Yeah.
It's great to be back.
Caesar Kalinowski (01:19):
Tina's a, I think, perennial favorite when we have her on the show.
Oh yeah.
Before we dive in too much, brother, didn't you just get back from alittle, you had a little vacation, sort of a working heart, uh, soul.
Yeah.
Was amazing care type of time.
Right.
Heath Hollensbe (01:34):
I was in, uh, Jackson, Michigan of all places, and if you don't remember David McDonald from episode 1 29 where he was talking about the pursuit of happiness.
Got to go spend a week with him, led music at his church for three different services there.
But it was, uh, he just bought this house that's likean 8,000 square foot Victorian home in Jackson and he's.
Renovating the whole place and it's got Jim, is it amazingrecording studios and velvet wallpaper with brass ceilings.
(01:58):
It's stunning.
It's one of those beautiful, it's a Graceland.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Caesar Kalinowski (02:01):
Needs the green shag everywhere
Heath Hollensbe (02:03):
it kind of feel.
Yeah, it's hardwood floors and they like cut out little emblems in.
You ever been to Graceland?
Oh yeah, Memphis.
It's crazy.
Caesar Kalinowski (02:10):
I always tell people like after going to Graceland, it's like the only question remaining is was the green She carpeting.
Longer on the floor or the ceilings?
There's a lot of it that is, there is a ton of it,
Heath Hollensbe (02:21):
but no.
Yeah, he bought this and it's a creative resource center for, uh, creativesin the church and, and people in ministry, and so it's gonna be with him.
I'm so excited for that.
That's gonna be great.
Yeah.
Can't wait to
Caesar Kalinowski (02:30):
hear.
And see and experience the fruit of that and what you guys are kind of building out of there.
That's really cool.
That's gonna be great.
Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe (02:37):
Well, hey, today we are talking about, um, seven secrets to long-term like marriage unity, right?
Caesar Kalinowski (02:42):
Yeah.
We started talking about this a few weeks ago.
I was kinda mentioning to you, oh, hey, on one of our coachingcalls, you know, because we had just celebrated 36 years of marriage.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Whoa.
And a bunch of our coaching folks were going like, okay, we got questions for you then.
Like, we knew it was a long time, but like, you've been married longer than we're alive.
Some of them, you know?
Yeah.
Pushing forward decades.
And so, yeah, so we, we.
(03:04):
Anyway.
Yeah.
So that we kind of pulled together a list and, uh, shared it.
Like, not like it's definitive or like, oh, you know.
Sure.
But, uh, anyway, so yeah, we're gonna get into a little bit ofthat today and kind of share what we shared with the coaching.
'cause it, they did, did bless them.
We thought, well, why not put on the show?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why not put on some, alright,
Heath Hollensbe (03:20):
so three and a half.
You guys have been, uh, married longer than I've been alive.
Which is, which is awesome.
Don't you just wish I was your, your dad and you guys, you guyscombined to have less gray hair than I do on my single head.
Wow.
Which is amazing.
Well, we talked to Kristen.
She can shorten that up for you.
But I imagine over those, those three and a half decades, you guys have probablybeen through a ton together from raising kids to buying and selling businesses.
(03:44):
Yeah.
And, and that includes not just a certain industry, but different types from music to restaurants.
We've done a lot houses.
You guys have done ministry all, all over the world together.
So I wanna hear a little bit about the backstory.
How did.
You guys meet?
When did you meet?
How's, how's that go?
Tina Kalinowski (03:57):
We are actually, uh, high school sweethearts.
Aw,
Heath Hollensbe (04:00):
aw, come on.
Right
Tina Kalinowski (04:01):
at at the Caesar's Talent Show.
When his rock band was playing at the talent show.
And, and I was instantly in love.
Funny story.
I've seen the
Heath Hollensbe (04:09):
pictures of Caesar back then.
Yeah.
And, and that was love.
Caesar Kalinowski (04:12):
Yeah.
So I was in a band called Chain Reaction.
Okay.
And we applied for the talent show.
And that year the teacher who was running it decided she didn't wanna do a standard talent contest.
'cause that was, you know, it was like.
Then there's losers and there's winners.
Sure.
You know?
Sure.
Yeah.
Exactly.
'cause we're gonna win anyway.
He said, no, your band will play, but you'll, what you'lldo is you'll be the band that plays for all the other acts.
(04:34):
'cause we're going to mirror this after the Donnie Marie show.
Okay.
The Osmonds.
Yeah.
Well, we don't know how to play anybody else's music.
We could barely play our own.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, sure.
A couple songs, we were just kids, you know.
So we said, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not doing that.
We're not backing anybody up.
That's not who we are.
We're not that good and we're just gonna do our stuff.
And she was like, well you can take your chain and react somewhere else.
Heath Hollensbe (04:54):
Oh wow.
She kinda, she shad
Caesar Kalinowski (04:57):
us, but then we had to get to do, we got to do the show anyway and that's, we did it.
Oh,
Tina Kalinowski (05:00):
pink sat in black boots, the whole
Caesar Kalinowski (05:03):
yard.
Yeah.
Sometimes you gotta work.
It was closer.
Is that when you knew Tina?
He
Tina Kalinowski (05:05):
like this guy.
That's when I knew he's mine.
I did actually meet him before the pink setin came out, but uh,
Caesar Kalinowski (05:10):
but that locked it down.
Tina Kalinowski (05:11):
Oh man.
That and the long blonde hair.
She told
Caesar Kalinowski (05:14):
her best friend that night.
Tina Kalinowski (05:16):
Yeah.
I, I did.
I actually, it's one of the few times, and I will say this in allseriousness, that we're like, I feel like God actually spoke to me.
Heath Hollensbe (05:23):
Wow.
Tina Kalinowski (05:24):
And I heard, like somebody was speaking in my ear, this is the guy you're gonna marry.
And I, I was turned around and told my best friend, I said, this is the guy I'm gonna marry.
And she said.
What, you're 16.
You're not gonna marry anybody at all.
He said this 17
Caesar Kalinowski (05:37):
times this week.
Yeah, exactly.
No, no.
Tina Kalinowski (05:40):
But uh, and I barely, I mean, I had just met him, so it kind of weird.
I like to, I like to
Caesar Kalinowski (05:44):
remind her of that a lot when she wants to doubt my leader.
So we're gonna jump way ahead.
So we have done a lot of stuff.
I think we've owned 17 businesses together, something like that.
I kind of dream these up.
Then Tina runs them.
Heath Hollensbe (05:57):
That's
Caesar Kalinowski (05:57):
awesome.
Uh, and then we sell 'em.
Okay.
And then, uh, we have three.
Grown children and you know, a lot of the long-term listeners know this, but yeah.
We have three grown children.
Our firstborn, Caesar, Caesar four.
Yep.
Who is 30 years old.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, and then he's got his own son, Caesar five, just awesome.
And then Kristen.
Yep.
And who has a grandson, Patton, right?
(06:18):
That's right.
And another one on the way.
She's got a little girl, just saw the photos yesterday, cooking so awesome in there.
Right.
And then Justine, uh, our, our youngest, our little bird, who's not that yet, who's not married yet.
Yeah.
She's not married yet, but.
Uh, but working on that.
Right.
So anyway, so yeah.
So we have been together for a long time and, uh, and you know, you're bound to learn some things.
Yeah.
Especially if you stick this long and you still like each other and have fun.
(06:41):
And then Yeah.
Yeah.
And our life too is, um, it's, it's probably a bit, uh.
Too much together in some ways.
Sure.
Because we're best friends and we work together and we work fromhome and we coach together and of course then we vacation together.
And grandpa, we do
Tina Kalinowski (06:55):
spend a lot of time together for sure.
Caesar Kalinowski (06:57):
Yeah.
More than ever.
Tina Kalinowski (06:58):
Maybe, maybe, maybe too much.
I just say a sense he's on vacation by himself last year with his best friend, so Yeah.
It happens sometimes.
Sometimes you gotta That's, and
Caesar Kalinowski (07:06):
that's some of the things we've learned too, is you do need some me time sometimes.
Or, or non, as his team likes to refer to as non Caesar time.
No, I'm kidding.
Just kidding.
Heath Hollensbe (07:16):
So one of the things we're talking about off air was like, uh, there has to be some sort of pattern of, of things that you guys have helped.
I. Are, are things you guys have found that have helped youover the 30 plus years to help you find and also maintain unity?
Yeah.
Throughout your marriage?
Yeah.
Would and uh, you guys were saying there was like seven that you'vekind of over the recent couple weeks really kind of honed in on.
Would you mind sharing, like talking
Caesar Kalinowski (07:36):
through
Heath Hollensbe (07:36):
those a bit?
Yeah,
Caesar Kalinowski (07:37):
we got asked, you know, like I said by some of the coaching folks, like, Hey, you know, what are some of the things?
And we said, well.
I don't know.
So we were having coffee one morning we started talkingabout it and then we said, Ooh, we should write that down.
Oh, we should write those down.
So then by the time we got done writing, we had seven.
Oh, wow.
It's a biblical number.
So we didn't mean to, and we'll share 'em real quick.
Okay.
They're not necessarily, like I said, uh, these astounding things, but they've kind ofadded up to, well, 36 years of marriage and being on the same page for the most part.
(08:04):
Sure.
So here they are, uh, pretty quickly.
So first thing is consistently doing date nights.
Yep.
Like, like really kind of trying to hold that as sacred.
Not that we never miss, or you know, we have 36 years of,you know, times 52 date nights or something like that.
Yeah.
Tina Kalinowski (08:19):
We've had a lot of misses.
For sure.
But
Caesar Kalinowski (08:21):
we've had more solid runs in strings of doing date nights.
Hmm.
Um, and meaningful date nights.
And we can even put in the show notes like, um, I've got a littlemini teaching on how to have an awesome date night with your spouse.
Yeah.
You know?
Really?
Tina Kalinowski (08:32):
Yeah.
Because a date night is not a night where you go to dinner and sit ina movie and don't talk to each other and then get in an argument about.
Bills and Yeah.
You know, kids and who's doing intent in morning.
That is not a date night.
Your
Heath Hollensbe (08:45):
date night is not going to get diapers at Costco either.
No.
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (08:48):
It's like, yeah, hopefully not mostly, you know what I mean?
And we know some people said like, well, our last date was at Costco and we get a lot of free snacksand then went home and sat in the driveway for an hour 'cause the kids didn't know we were home.
You know, it's, well, it beats nothing, but it's, it's not exactly the goal.
The goal is really to dream a little bit, to have your hearts open towards one another.
To Sure.
Kind of To
Tina Kalinowski (09:06):
connect.
Caesar Kalinowski (09:07):
Yeah.
To connect and see what's going on.
So.
So date nights, that's a big thing.
I'll tell you.
It is phenomenal now to watch our two married children, Cesarand Kristen, uh, consistently adhere to doing date nights.
Heath Hollensbe (09:17):
Hmm.
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (09:18):
And, uh, we are often as the grandparents, the ones that can afford that for them by watching the babies.
Sure.
So, date nights, that's been a big one.
Uh, if you're not doing date nights out there, I just wanna encourage you to do that.
Uh, quit making the excuses.
It's not about money.
They don't have to be expensive.
You can always find babysitting if you think ahead.
Swap it out, do trade outs, whatever.
It doesn't
Tina Kalinowski (09:37):
have to be at night.
It could be at breakfast, it could be at lunch, it could be at home after the kids go to bed.
As long as you're really very intentional about whatyou're doing with your time and how you're connecting.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski (09:49):
So next thing is, um, we have from pretty early on and pretty broke on in our marriage, which is still today.
Uh, we took vacations together, Tina and I, without the kids.
Okay.
We,
Heath Hollensbe (10:02):
we
Caesar Kalinowski (10:02):
kind of got into a pattern when they were pretty young, um, of taking a, a week, a year if we could, uh, four or five
days minimally, but a week, a year where we didn't take the kids.
Heath Hollensbe (10:13):
Hmm.
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (10:14):
Just going without 'em.
Yeah.
That
Tina Kalinowski (10:15):
really, we, we had a few years from the time that we had our first, until the time that we'd had our third, where we really didn't get those vacations.
And by that time, I think I, my head was about ready to explode.
Yeah.
You know, we'd had a lot of little family time vacations, but westart to realize we needed more than two hours and on a date Sure.
To connect and to relax and.
Caesar Kalinowski (10:37):
Or you know how it is when you go on vacation with the kids?
Loads of fun, not very relaxed.
A lot of work, not necessarily a lot of hard work with you and your spouse.
And so sure.
We started doing vacations without the kids and some of 'em were very, very low budge.
Other times we just caught a killer deal on a cruise and had the worst room on the boat.
We didn't care.
Yeah.
'cause you know, it was, all the meals are included and we're in, you know?
Yep.
Good to go.
(10:57):
Which by the
Tina Kalinowski (10:57):
way, is actually some of the tea.
Cheapest, uh, vacations you can ever take first.
Oh, we love them.
Love.
Yeah.
They're the best.
Yeah, they are.
Caesar Kalinowski (11:02):
You know, unless you have some crazy boat fear, which you don't really need to, you know, anyway, so yeah.
Vacationing without the kids has been a big thing throughout the years.
Hmm.
Tina Kalinowski (11:11):
Yeah.
At least one week a year is great.
If you can like.
Set that as a goal that That's awesome.
Caesar Kalinowski (11:17):
Yeah.
That's really cool.
And the reason we say a week is because, I mean, if you couldsay, well, there's no way we're gonna get a week this year.
Well then try to do a long weekend.
But yeah, for us it took, because we were running businesses Sure.
It took a good two to three days just to decompress.
Yep.
Enough to actually start, enjoy anything and wake up and talk and you know what I mean?
Yeah.
And to get
Tina Kalinowski (11:35):
past feeling like we had to talk about like problem stuff.
Caesar Kalinowski (11:38):
Yep.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
So often with.
Parenting, uh, everything you talk about when the kids aren't sittingthere is all the problems with the kids and this thing at school and this
bill, and how are we gonna afford braces and all, you know, for all that.
And so, just like with date nights, it's not about that.
Don't solve problems.
Don't, you know?
Uh, same with the vacations.
We tried to not make them our cleanup, you know, for all of our problems in life.
(12:01):
We tried to let, let's go have fun.
Yep.
You know, connect.
Yeah, there's always time to clean stuff up.
A lot of blessings in life.
Let's rehearse that kind of stuff.
Um, third one.
Road trip
Tina Kalinowski (12:09):
dreaming.
Caesar Kalinowski (12:10):
Yeah.
Road trip dreaming.
We'll have to explain what we mean by that.
Yes.
So when we would do either work trips or car trips with the kidsand vacations and different things like that, um, we found, like, we
didn't intentional it at first, but then we did start to intent it.
Mm-hmm.
We would do these road trips and the kids would be either, you know,headphones in the back watching a movie or something, or sleeping.
(12:30):
We had our best conversations about the future.
Oh wow.
That's the way we call 'em road trip dreaming because we would like,we would just be talking and stuff would be on the radio and next thing
you know it's like, Hey, what have you been thinking about work lately?
Or what are you been thinking about church lately?
Or ministry or, yeah.
And it's like, you know, I've been thinking this like, yo, me too.
And we would just kind of dream and it was kind of thosetimes that we, I don't know, open road kind of thing.
(12:52):
Yeah.
And we would find that we did our best sort of what if thing and isGod saying this and let's start praying more about that together and.
Um, and yeah, and just kind of thinking about what could be next for us as a couple,as a family for careers, all that is our time to dream a little bit, you know?
That's cool.
Tina Kalinowski (13:10):
It was dreaming, it was also just kind of connecting with the spirit.
What are you hearing from the spirit?
What's God telling you?
Sure.
And, and then oftentimes it was great because we'd find that we were very much on the same.
Path.
Like we, like God was speaking to us in very harmonious ways and that, you know, something we
Caesar Kalinowski (13:27):
hadn't spoken about to each other.
Sure.
We found out like not only have we not, but we should and we need to, and we just did.
But you know what we're actually God's on got us on the same track or the same page.
Heath Hollensbe (13:37):
Comes out on road trips.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah.
For it did for us a lot.
It's cool.
Has ever experienced
Caesar Kalinowski (13:40):
that?
Heath Hollensbe (13:40):
Yeah.
Actually just Saturday we did Rainier, like seven hoursof driving around the whole thing and up top and down.
It was the same thing as like I was telling Kathleen, she said, I just, Iremember being a kid and my parents wanted a road trip all the time, and we
hated it as kids, but now the older we get, we're like, no, it's so awesome.
Yeah.
So
Caesar Kalinowski (13:55):
we're trying to get a roach.
Last week we were gonna do like a three day down to go see the redwoods or something.
Heath Hollensbe (14:00):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (14:00):
And the week just.
Didn't, it didn't afford It didn't happen.
Yeah, it didn't happen.
It didn't work.
No.
So, but we're kind of feeling it now after sharing these un coaching.
Time to go time for some road trip dreams.
Go.
Alright, next one is, um, that we, we noticed lookingback over marriages that we, we do a lot of debriefing.
Of situations, and I'll explain what I mean in a second and sort of closing theloop on things, meaning after we would do a vacation or after we would do some
(14:26):
sort of a training together or a ministry thing or have say, a staff meeting or,
Tina Kalinowski (14:30):
or a party at our house.
Sure.
Or yeah,
Caesar Kalinowski (14:33):
open table.
A vacation.
Yeah.
Or whatever.
We would, we would sort of do a debrief, Hey, what did you think about last week?
Huh?
And that conversation that we had with the kids or, uh, you know, or the, you know, we hadeverybody over this week from the neighborhood and what's, what do you think's going on there?
Like with so and so, they seem to be leaning in and they, they're awesome.
You know, we're loving them and we, or what do you think we could do better next time?
Or what, what.
(14:53):
Why was I stressing then?
Or why were you stressing then?
You know?
Sure.
So we kind of, we found that when we're doing bigger things that requiresome planning and effort and, and they could be the kind of things that
you tend to worry about people's perceptions or how they went or Sure.
All that we would do some debriefing and kind of close the loop on that stuff.
You know, like, okay, well next time let's try this.
Or you know what, I'm gonna be more considerate about that and try to help better or shut up more.
(15:16):
Or, I don't need to stress about that now that we've talked about it or whatever.
But instead of just sort of going event to, event to thing to thing.
We found that we've been pretty consistent and intentional about sort of debriefing.
Hmm.
Big and small.
They don't have to be big old things, but um, you know, we justwent on a trip the other day with some friends in the neighborhood.
We kind of debriefed it after we got home.
That's cool.
And it was just kind of a way of going, how, how did you experience it and how did you, okay, great.
(15:39):
What, alright, where are we going?
Alright, good.
So mm-hmm.
Spend some intentional debriefing and sort of closingof the loop on, uh, stuff in life that we co-labor in.
It's a good thing.
Yeah.
It's really cool.
I think builds trust and, uh, understanding and less fearfor the next one or like we're not doing the next one.
Yeah, sure.
Puts a little closure on it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Alright, number five.
(16:00):
Okay, so the next thing.
Is times of prayer both together, but also separate, kind of seeking the spirit's voice in things.
Okay.
Sometimes things that we talked about on our road trip dreaming and we'relike, well, I don't know, but why don't we, why don't we pray about that?
And, you know, this is sort of the big Christian answer, right?
But golly, you gotta be praying.
(16:21):
You get to be praying.
Yep.
As couples, if, if, if we're one flesh and our marriages and ourfamilies are the biggest picture of the gospel that we have, then.
Um, that God's given us then praying together and seeking Dad for how he wants this marriageto look or where we're going in ministry, or how we spend our finances or our parenting.
Tina Kalinowski (16:41):
Yeah.
It's amazing when you pray together and then also pray separately about those same things.
Sure.
How God can really move your heart to, you know, from like maybe feelinglike, oh, we're not supposed to do this, to, no, no, we really should.
And, and I have a piece about it and we've done some kind of.
Crazy things in our lives where I was like, I don't know.
(17:01):
I don't, he God really
Caesar Kalinowski (17:02):
asking us to do this or move there, how could we possibly pull that off away?
And,
Tina Kalinowski (17:06):
and yet then the spirit's, you know, given us.
The go ahead and the peace and, and we've done it and it's worked.
So
Caesar Kalinowski (17:14):
there's nothing like talk about marriage uni.
That's what we're talking about.
There's nothing to bring greater marriage uni, that when you discusssomething, go away and pray, come back and you go, what'd you hear?
That's exactly what the spirit said to me.
Heath Hollensbe (17:25):
Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski (17:25):
Right.
And sometimes it's different.
Uh, I'll give you an example.
Sometimes we don't hear exact same thing, but it still gives us peace.
We'll, like say we see a need, uh, and God, God's putting both on our hearts.
Like, I think we should give to that, or we should tryto help those people, or this situation, or whatever.
Let's go away and pray and see what we come up with.
And for a number,
Heath Hollensbe (17:43):
hmm,
Caesar Kalinowski (17:43):
more than not, we come back with the same exact number.
Heath Hollensbe (17:46):
Really
Caesar Kalinowski (17:47):
sometimes.
'cause I think Teton is more generous than I am.
She'll say, oh, I was thinking this much.
I always go with the, I always go with her.
Heath Hollensbe (17:54):
Okay.
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (17:54):
You know, because it's like, well what's, what's probably closer to the heart of God?
Generosity, you know?
Yeah.
And hopefully we're both here and being generous.
But yeah, I'll tell you together.
And separate prayer is really good for finding unity and confirmation.
And when you do, when you hear the same thing separately, you feel pretty confident.
Like, okay, seems crazy to the world, seems crazy to the kids.
Seems crazy to me, but you know what?
(18:16):
That's really kind of the fleece.
Heath Hollensbe (18:18):
Yeah,
Caesar Kalinowski (18:19):
absolutely.
It came back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So.
All right.
Six.
Okay.
So
Tina Kalinowski (18:23):
this is one that I really, uh, I, I think we don't do enough, and as married couples, we probably don't get enough is individual time alone.
We've kind of tend to feel like, oh, if we're married, weshould be doing everything together as a married couple.
Sure.
And, and we need date nights.
And we need, and, and yes, all of that's true, but you gotta remember that youwere first a person before you were a half of a couple and a, and a mom or a dad.
(18:47):
And so you need to continue to kind of.
Feed into yourself and take care of yourself.
So having times when you go and have a, a fun time with the girls or the guys, um, whereyou do something, take a class, do something that, that it kind of feeds your soul.
Caesar Kalinowski (19:04):
Yep.
Um, kinda like you get away last week.
Yeah.
Tina Kalinowski (19:06):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (19:06):
I mean, I know like there's family, uh, sacrifice.
Maybe that's a strong word, but you know, sure.
You're giving up a week of dad being gone and there was some expenseinvolved that comes outta the family budget and all that, but.
I know it's fed into you.
Yeah, absolutely.
I know, absolutely.
It's built into you big time.
Like body, soul, and spirit.
Heath Hollensbe (19:21):
Got a tattoo while I was there.
Come on.
It was that.
Really?
Yeah, man, I'll tell you about that later.
My goodness.
Yeah.
So I
Tina Kalinowski (19:26):
kind of feel like this is like the airplane, uh, level of health and fitness where like, you know, when the mask come
down, you always have to put your own mask on before you can Oh yeah.
Anybody else.
'cause otherwise you're probably gonna pass out and everybody's gonna die, you know?
So that's a great point for a mom and or, or dad, you know,when you're in charge, you tend to take care of everybody else.
Well, this is you taking care of you.
Yeah.
And it's really
Caesar Kalinowski (19:46):
important having some fun feeling like, Hey, the family can invest in mom having some fun.
Yeah.
Or taking a class
Heath Hollensbe (19:52):
Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski (19:52):
Or, or whatever.
Completely dad.
Yeah.
And I, I just wanna tell everybody listening like, you should not feel guilty about that.
Mm-hmm.
That's not like a luxury.
Jesus went alone.
Yep.
Right.
To be alone.
Went away to be alone a lot.
Yep.
We don't have tons and tons of media on how he spent his spare time,but if you were to put most Chis, you know, chicks and check marks
in the corner, it'd be, well, he went alone to be with dad, you know?
(20:15):
Yeah.
Or he went off to be alone.
It would say.
So you get to be.
Yep.
And like Tina said, I think that building into yourself,now you have health and, you know, awareness to bring to.
The marriage and therefore your family and all that.
Heath Hollensbe (20:27):
Absolutely.
Caesar Kalinowski (20:28):
Okay.
Last one is, um, and there again, like I said, thesearen't in any kinda perfect or yeah, even decided order.
But, um, we've done quite a bit of, of gone to quite a few marriage conferences together.
Huh.
You know, it's like some.
Times I've suggested to people like, Hey, read a good marriage book every year.
Yep.
As a couple, right?
That's a powerful thing to do and it's important.
(20:48):
We both came from families where we did not seem good, healthy Christian marriages modeled at all.
Okay.
Both our mar families, our parents ended in divorce.
Yep.
Though mine got remarried to each other later.
That's whoa.
Episode, different episode.
Um, and um, but we didn't know, and it was one of the few things we knew.
Tina Kalinowski (21:08):
The only thing that we knew when we got married is that we had no idea how to be married or how to be parents.
Huh.
Caesar Kalinowski (21:14):
It's the only thing and how to be Christian parents and how to stay married and how are we gonna not ruin our kids and all that.
Yeah.
And we
Tina Kalinowski (21:19):
agreed because we'd seen what divorce had done to both of our families that when we got married.
Yep.
That was it.
So whatever it took to figure out, we had to just figure it out.
Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe (21:29):
Yep.
That's same with us.
So we did a lot of marriage
Caesar Kalinowski (21:31):
life conferences, you know?
Yep.
Um, and we would go like sometimes year after year.
Yeah.
And then skip a year and go and take other couples and do all that kind of stuff.
So like
Tina Kalinowski (21:42):
those conferences gave us so many foundations and.
Opportunities to discuss things and new tools to put in our tool belt and uh, communication
Caesar Kalinowski (21:52):
skills.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Like crazy.
And I think some years, I'm trying to remember back, I think some yearswe couldn't afford to go, so we hit up like our small group or whatever.
Yeah.
You know, or our parents or everybody we knew like, hey, we really need like.
A hotel for that 'cause it's an overnight, you know?
Heath Hollensbe (22:08):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (22:08):
Or has anybody got points or something we could, you know, get for a room or, you know?
Absolutely.
Because it was important enough to humble ourselves and get after it.
Yep.
And you know what, and I'll tell you what, people in your communityand your family, they step up and honor that kind of stuff.
Oh, for sure.
Hey, we're trying to get, you know, your, your own siblings going like, yeah, we all need something.
'cause mom and dad didn't show us a lot, you know?
Heath Hollensbe (22:27):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (22:27):
And I know some people like, well, I came from a really good family.
You don't have perfect parents.
Yep.
And you're not them.
So.
Get out and learn, write some stuff.
So that was one of the things too that kind of helped us learnhow to be married and communicate well and parent and Huh?
Yeah, all that.
So those are sort of seven things we had kind of come up with that we shared that were like, Ithink these things have all, and still do, contribute to us being on the same page and having unity.
Heath Hollensbe (22:53):
Yeah.
After all those years.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So when it comes to unity, like you were just talking about, if you're anything likeKathleen and I, you'll find that at certain points in your life there's this disunity
where it seems really hard to get back in the same just you guys, you're the only ones.
It's all we wonder sometimes, but like it's hard to get back on the same page.
And so my question is, how did you guys get unstuck in thoseseasons where you just couldn't find yourselves working?
(23:14):
Things out and walking together,
Tina Kalinowski (23:15):
I, you know, this really does happen to everybody.
You know, we have patterns.
Yeah.
And well-worn grooves and, and things that you've learned from your parents that Well,
Caesar Kalinowski (23:24):
we kinda hide and go like, Ooh, that's a little icky, so let's just not fix that or talk about it.
'cause it's a little painful, you know?
So
Tina Kalinowski (23:30):
when you find yourself in that situation, you know, seeking out like an older, you know, married.
A couple or a wise, wise counselors, um, that counseling.
Don't, don't be embarrassed by that stuff.
No.
Caesar Kalinowski (23:42):
Like no one knows how to have a perfect marriage.
Trust me.
Sure.
I don't care.
Even if you came from a great family, no one was born knowing exactly how to do this.
Yeah.
And if you get stuck, the dumbest thing is to let your pride.
Yeah.
Or something get in the way of getting what you need.
Yeah.
And so we've been to counselors a lot.
Heath Hollensbe (23:59):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (23:59):
I mean a lot.
And we never hid it from our kids.
Sure.
Because I don't want them to think, Hey, mom and dad have this perfect marriage.
Well, no.
Don't do a lot of stuff we did.
You know?
Right.
And when you do get stuck, get help.
Yeah.
And I can remember one time, um, pastoring and Tina and I come out of a marriage counseling sessionand in the waiting room for the next couple coming up is a couple that I'm an elder to, you know?
(24:20):
Yeah.
And we're like, Hey, how's it going?
We're like working on some stuff like us too.
I'm like, good on you.
Yeah.
We're all doing it
Heath Hollensbe (24:25):
together.
Caesar Kalinowski (24:25):
Yeah.
So we, that's how we would get unstuck when we just really had prayed and mayberoad tripped on it and talked to some friends and we weren't getting it resolved.
Get a little counseling.
Tina Kalinowski (24:35):
Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski (24:35):
Sometimes you just
Tina Kalinowski (24:36):
need a little help or a lot.
Yeah.
And I'll tell you, having adult kids now, um, hearing them, my, ouryoungest daughter just said recently, um, one of the coolest things that
she learned from us that is that it's okay to not have all the answers.
Yeah.
And to, and to seek out help.
That's cool.
And keep learning.
And she loved the fact that we just kept learning.
Yep.
And, and trying new things and, and going to coun, you know,going to counseling or whatever when, when you needed it.
(25:01):
So.
Heath Hollensbe (25:02):
No, I'm, as you're talking there, Tina, I was thinking about how certain I am that that being part also of being in a local community or missional community or some sort
of small group has also been encouraging and helpful in providing unity for me and my family.
I'm sure it was the same thing for you.
People can kind of call you out when you're out of sync or when you're being a a-hole.
(25:22):
How important is it to live visible and transparent lives with those you're in community with?
And how have you seen those communities in your past help you guys when you need it?
It most,
Tina Kalinowski (25:30):
I think it's ultimately important.
If you're not the same person, it's hard.
'cause
Caesar Kalinowski (25:34):
who wants to be transparent with the bad and the ugly, but the good part, you know?
Yeah.
Tina Kalinowski (25:39):
Yeah.
It is hard.
It's hard to, you know, not to be vulnerable, to not be perfect and to be like havingan argument with your spouse when you're supposed to be leaders in the community.
Yeah.
You know, it's hard to be there, but it, but it, by the same token, we are modeling.
What it looks like to have an argument, to not agree and to either resolve it or uh, not.
Caesar Kalinowski (26:01):
And sometimes you have to seek forgiveness and you go like, well, since we kind of, you know, kind of barfed on each other in public,
then we're gonna also like, repent and seek forgiveness, you know, publicly.
Yeah.
And so that's discipleship in action.
Like really.
'cause who gets to see that, right.
And who gets to experience that and then, or doing it with your kids and all that too.
And there's been times and they, they mark us where people have come to us in community.
(26:24):
Um, and oftentimes much, you know, younger people in USand go, Hey, just wanted to talk to you about something.
You know, last night when the community was together and we were having dinner orwhatever, uh, you know, the way he spoke to Tina came off with pretty hard edge.
I dunno if you felt everybody kind of go eeeeee.
Like, I, I don't know if something's going on, or it was just the way we heard it, or.
How you doing and why?
You know, like what's what with that?
And so, you know, like, wow, that was sinful.
(26:46):
You know?
Yeah.
Or I was thinking this, but it came out sinful.
That was absolutely wrong.
And I did talk to Tina, or I need to, or whatever.
So those are actually really sweet times.
Sure.
And what we found is that life and community and transparent community seems to deal with things.
Way sooner than wait until the wheels are coming off of marriage.
You know?
So like, Hey, we're so and so, oh, they're not in a group anymore.
Why not?
Oh, they're getting divorced.
(27:06):
What?
You know, it's like,
Heath Hollensbe (27:07):
yeah, what
Caesar Kalinowski (27:08):
happened?
Well, so if your community doesn't have that kindof transparency, please strive for it and model it.
And you, that's how you get there, is you just model it.
You be vulnerable.
You admit when stuff's wrong, you come back and go, Hey, last week maybenone of you picked up on it, but my wife did and I wanna, I wanna confess
something that was sinful and I wanna ask for your forgiveness here.
So it's a, it's a big deal.
You're right.
That's good.
It's a big deal,
Heath Hollensbe (27:28):
man.
If you haven't given us enough already, we are now movingtowards the big three, which is the, uh, free download.
You get by going to everyday disciple.com/big three, and if nothing else,that's the takeaways that we want you to walk away with from this episode.
So, uh, Caesar, Tina, what are the big three for this week?
Well, Tina, why don't you give us the first one?
Wow, here we go.
Tina Kalinowski (27:48):
Uh, I would say that the first one is don't expect that, that you somehow intrinsically know how to have a great marriage and close unity as a couple.
Like almost no one was raised in a perfect home with perfectparents who experienced and modeled a perfect marriage.
Mm-hmm.
And marriage takes a lot of work for everyone, but it's worth the effort.
Caesar Kalinowski (28:07):
So worth working on it and doing that.
Yeah.
The legacy we got, we get to leave and the picture.
Yeah.
That's cool.
That leads right into number two is that marriage is a huge picture of the gospeland the foundation for our families, and I think for all of society really.
Sure marriages and you can trace a lot of muckety, weird, broken stuff right now.
Back to marriages, falling apart in Family, families, what your kids and others outside your nuclearfamily see and experience lays a foundation for how they perceive God and life in his kingdom.
(28:37):
It really does like think about that.
Let the weight of that land on you a bit.
And so how we respond under pressure or when we make mistakes or whatwe do when we're not on the same page as a couple, or how we seek and
grant forgiveness, they're all opportunities to grow and model life.
And marriage in light of the gospel.
That's good.
Okay.
All right.
Number three.
I'll, I'll grab this one too.
Go for it.
(28:57):
So, um, don't hide your marriage imperfections.
We said that a while ago, but this is, this is one of the don't misses.
Don't hide your marriage imperfections.
Find a community of trusted believers that are on your team right, and themature enough that they'll speak the truth and love to you when it's needed.
So trying to maintain a false front kind of quote unquote ofperfection will actually lead to disunity in your marriage.
(29:18):
'cause you realize you're both faking it all the time in front of everybody.
So then you don't wanna be anywhere, you know, and it'll set others up forchallenges and false expectations of their own and their own marriages.
So seek wise, seek some, you know, wise counseling when you need it or when you're stuck.
Um, and don't assume if you sweep stuff, you know, issues and weird patterns under the wrong log.
Enough, let me say that again.
(29:40):
And don't assume that if you sweep issues and weird patterns under therug long enough that they'll just go away, bring 'em out into the light.
Okay.
Yeah.
So just let your redemption show.
Heath Hollensbe (29:50):
It's a lot, man.
Thank you guys so much for doing this.
Again, get those for free as a downloadable link by going to everydaydisciple.com/big three, and it'll come right away to your inbox.
If you haven't yet joined our Facebook group, you can do that by going to everydaydisciple.com/facebook, and you can join the conversation that Caesar and I have with.
Everybody in that community each week.
Love it if you join us.
(30:11):
And thanks Tina for being here today.
Tina Kalinowski (30:12):
I'm so glad to be here.
Thanks for having me.
Heath Hollensbe (30:16):
Now, she's off, she's off to a show, a concert tonight, so this, she's outta here.
She's gonna go get her rock and roll on tonight.
I'm gonna
Tina Kalinowski (30:22):
go have fun and invest in myself with my friends without Caesar.
Caesar Kalinowski (30:26):
Without Caesar.
All right, honey.
Heath Hollensbe (30:28):
Thanks for joining us today.
For more information on this show and to get loads of freediscipleship resources, visit everyday disciple.com and remember.
You really can live with a spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.
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