The Ballad of Two Ton Ernie

This episode is dedicated to Jen's father who passed away on February 8,2025. 

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light."- Dylan Thomas

www.slightlyprod.com

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi folks, we are working hard to record our next
season of Everyone Is, whichwill be coming out this summer.
In the meantime, because wedidn't want you to forget about
us, we thought we would dropthis mini-episode into your feed
.
We recently lost a keydemographic for our pod, my
father Jack Van Riemsdyk, so Iwanted to share with you a
little story I wrote about him.
Please note that this podcastepisode does deal with some

(00:24):
difficult topics around losing aloved one, so make sure to give
yourself some emotional spacebefore listening.
Thanks, as always.
I can't talk to you about myfather's death without telling
you about his life, but beforethat, the phrase death seems so
harsh.
You say why can't you saythings like his passing or loss
of life?

(00:44):
And my answer to you is Icannot, because death is a hard
word with rough cuttingconsonants, and death is hard
and cutting.
I have yet to see peace indeath, at least for me, not yet.
So death it is In my dad's life.
He was a warrior for light.

(01:04):
How do you know?
You may ask.
Because he battled a foe likethe world has never seen.
The foe was Tutan Ernie.
Now, before we continue I amnot body-shaming anyone Tutan
Ernie was a magical being, agiant of a man, and when I was a
child his physicalmanifestation was very present
to me.
As I grew, his presence becamemore of a whisper hidden in the

(01:27):
cracks of life and existence.
But my father was always thereto fight him, until he wasn't.
The History of Two-Ton Ernie,five-year-old me, also known as
Jenny a name only allowed to bespoken by my family and only
because I love them knew themythos around Two-Ton Ernie.
Two-ton Ernie was two tonsbecause he loved to eat children

(01:49):
, particularly little girls, andparticularly their toes.
He had multiple vulnerabilities.
For example, two-ton Erniecould not and I repeat, not get
under the blankets or pillows.
He would immediately suffocate.
I will break for a moment tosay this is why so many of you
can't sleep without covers.
You intuitively know that he islurking in the shadows.

(02:09):
Think about it.
My dad always knew when TutanErni was approaching.
He could sense it.
He would say get under theblankets.
Tutan Erni is here.
And I would jump into myparents' bed and huddle under
the 70s style blanket, allyellow with the weave you could
see through.
You know the one.
I would carefully tuck my legsunder my body to protect my toes
.
I could faintly see the outlineof my dad standing in the

(02:32):
doorway and hear him yelling nottoday, you two-ton menace.
As I heard his body slam againstthe doorframe, my dad would
bounce around the room wrestlingtwo-ton Ernie launching against
the dresser, the closet doors,the wall.
Mid-fight he would pop his headunder the blanket and sweat
glistening on his forehead.
I think I got him only to bedragged back into the room.
I would giggle nervously.

(02:52):
Sometimes it would get so quietand I would wonder where the
fight was.
Sometimes I would get nervousthat Tutan Ernie had stolen my
dad.
But always, always, my dadwould come back into the room
triumphant, yelling, undefeated,and I would throw off the
blanket and I would jump up anddown in the bed celebrating
dad's win.
Dad always beat him, always,until he didn't See the previous

(03:15):
Warrior of Light.
Reference Side note for aboutfive years I slept with a
blanket pulled up to my chin anda pillow over my head.
No way was I going to allowTwo-Tone Ernie to sneak up on me
.
I am the child of a warrior oflight, after all.
As I grew older, my dad nolonger needed to fight Two-Tone
Ernie directly.
The older the child, the moreindigestion.

(03:37):
Two-tone Ernie suffered, but Isaw the evidence of his chaos
and so did my dad.
He was there when my dad was atRocket Ship Park with one of my
little brothers and I.
It was there.
My brother and I watched ourdad dive headfirst into a
roaring creek, fully clothed, tosave a young girl he saw
disappear under the water.
Jason and I got a huge lecturefrom our dad about not inner

(03:58):
tubing, though we had littleopportunity to do that at age
eight and five.
He was there when my dad firedan employee on the spot for not
waiting on an African-Americanfamily at his restaurant.
He was there when my dad stoodup at a corporate meeting and
said how dare you balance yourbooks on the backs of people who
make $10 an hour?
Two-ton Ernie was there in theactions of people who didn't

(04:19):
care for others, and my dadwould never stand for that
bullshit.
He couldn't others.
And my dad would never standfor that bullshit.
He couldn't.
It was his duty.
Like most warriors of light, myfather was also a stubborn pain
in the ass.
When he was in his early 40s hediscovered he was diabetic.
Like my grandmother and hisbrother, he managed it really
well through medication andexercise and healthy eating.
Ha no, he managed it by hidinghis candy in drawers and cutting

(04:44):
slightly smaller giganticpieces of pumpkin pie at
Thanksgiving.
However, he did all right Untilhis late 60s, until his
genetics caught up with him.
We were visiting Chicago he, myyoungest brother, my husband and
I.
Dad's legs were bothering him.
We thought he had pulled amuscle.
He limped around most of thetrip, except when we were

(05:04):
downtown and my dad and hisbrother spotted their favorite
hometown candy store, fannie Mae.
We thought he had pulled amuscle.
He limped around most of thetrip, except when we were
downtown and my dad and hisbrother spotted their favorite
hometown candy store, fannie Mae.
And suddenly he found the speedof an Olympian.
My little brother, who tells mehe is the funniest one, said
he'd never seen two olddiabetics move so fast.
Maybe he is the funniest one.
When he got home, my dad foundout that he had a blood clot in

(05:25):
his leg.
We were so lucky nothinghappened on that trip.
He had surgery, everythingseemed okay, and then time and a
pandemic, and now he needed atriple bypass, also known as a
triple cabbage something helearned from the ICU nurses.
And then severe arterialdisease and then stents for his
legs and then congestive heartfailure and kidney issues.

(05:47):
And then my dad and I talkedevery Monday night, usually for
a couple of hours, but of latehe sounded tired.
Lately he could only talk for20 minutes.
I called him on a Monday and hesaid he hadn't been sleeping
and didn't feel well.
He let me know he'd had anaccident and didn't make it to
the bathroom that day.
He never told me stuff likethat.

(06:10):
He was an unreliable narratorwho always said everything was
fine.
I immediately called mystepmother and asked what was
going on with Dad.
She said she wanted to take himto the emergency room, but he
was being too stubborn andwouldn't go.
He was barely eating.
I called him back, pretending Ihadn't spoken to my stepmother.
Hey, dad, I was thinking.

(06:30):
I think you need to go to theER just to be safe.
He immediately got defensive.
I am fine, you see.
He was a stubborn pain in theass.
I, however, am also a stubbornpain in the ass.
Okay, dad, why don't we make adeal?
If you aren't feeling bettertomorrow, you have to go to the
ER, and if you don't, I willshow up at your fucking door

(06:52):
with a stolen Safeway shoppingcart and load you in and push
you there myself.
He grudgingly agreed.
He went to the ER the next day.
They were going to check him in.
His congestive heart failurewas causing him problems.
Note with careful lifestylechoices you can live 10 years
with congestive heart failure.
He was waiting in the ER forhis room and my stepmother had

(07:15):
to leave because visiting hourswould be over.
When he got into the room hesnuck me a call "'I'm calling
one of these doctors away.
He's an asshole'.
I want you to know I love youand, in case I don't get to say
it, my four children are thebest thing I have ever done.
I started pricing flights.

(07:35):
Interior Tucson.
I probably have this nextsequence of events a little off.
You'll have to forgive mebecause I wasn't there for this
part and this all just sucks.
He was in his regular room buthis kidney doctor came in to say
John, I'm not going to let youdie.
And it made my dad feel better.
This wonderful doctor fromAfrica, another warrior of light

(07:56):
.
My aunt was there, mystepmother, my oldest younger
brother.
I have three little brothers.
Dad suddenly took a turn.
He was suddenly hallucinating.
He said things like where isKenny?
We have to save him.
Call 555-1212.
Someone is going to die tonight.
I think he was mixing hischildhood memories with episodes

(08:16):
of NCIS.
Shout out to the indelible markthat Mark Harmon leaves on
older people.
He also tried to punch a nurse,thinking she was two-ton Ernie.
I imagine by the time I and mybrothers got there, dad was in
the ICU, the first one.

(08:37):
He was lucid.
When we saw him, also sneaky,the doctors had him on limited
fluids and he would look at medrinking my water and say what
is that?
And I would say my water.
And he would look around andmake sure a nurse wasn't there
and point at his cup.
I'm not going to lie.
I poured him a few drops of mywater.
Oh, that's good, he said, andthe nurse came in and he thanked
her for her help and she leftand my stepmother said that was

(08:58):
the nurse you tried to punch.
He shrugged his shoulders andsmirked Maybe she deserved it.
He joked Gallows humor.
He took turns holding each ofour hands.
Choked gallows humor.
He took turns holding each ofour hands.
Only two of us were allowed inat a time.
I love you.
He kept saying I don't want todie.
He kept saying it was gettingclose to visiting hours being
over, my youngest brother and Iwere there.

(09:20):
Everyone else had gone home toget some rest.
Dad was finding it hard to getcomfortable.
His back was bothering him.
He said he needed to use thebathroom.
So we grabbed the nurses andleft him for a few minutes to
give him privacy.
My brother and I wandered out tothe waiting room and sat down,
code blue room 447, code blueblared over the speakers.
I jumped up.
That's dad's room.

(09:41):
We have to go.
My little brother lookedstunned.
Won't we just be in the way?
I put on my older sister cape,the one I wear on occasion.
I said stay here, little bro, Iwill check to see what's going
on.
I rushed down the hall to mydad's room.
There was a group of six orseven or a million people
huddled outside his room andinside his room was chaos.

(10:03):
They were performing CPR and mydad was so exposed.
They were performing CPR and mydad was so exposed.
I'm here, dad, it's okay, fight.
I said I had let two-ton Ernieslip in while my dad was
vulnerable.
How could I have done that?
I was shaking and I felt a tapon my shoulder and I looked at
the nurse and she said it wasn'tme.
And I looked to my left and itwas my little brother and he was

(10:27):
crying and I hugged him.
He towers a foot taller than meand I wished he was the little
kid I used to lift up and playairplane with, just so I could
make it better.
I just don't have the armstrength.
They stabilized dad.
He was mumbling.
The doctors came to us.
They decided to medivac him toanother hospital with a cardiac
ICU, and the helicopter was onits way.

(10:49):
My brother called his mom, or Idid, I don't remember.
I called my oldest, youngerbrother and told him what was
going on.
What should I do?
He said.
I said they're taking dad toanother hospital and they won't
let us see him tonight.
So get some rest.
I don't know how he did it, mybrother, or how fast he was
going to get there, but withinten minutes my brother, or how

(11:10):
fast he was going to get there,but within 10 minutes my brother
was there by our side While wewere waiting.
I said Dad, you could fly in ahelicopter, isn't that so cool?
But it was not cool.
I just didn't know what to say.
I just did not know what to do.
Oh Jesus, our dad said.
Oh Jesus, help me.
His Catholic was showing.
New hospital, new rules.

(11:38):
The next day, a new hospital,new ICU.
This one focused on cardiaccare.
Once again, only two people ata time could sit with my dad.
We all took turns.
During one of my breaks Iwandered outside into the desert
sun and I ran.
In my jeans and sweatshirt Iran across the parking lot into
the Tucson desert behind thehospital.
I ran because I was full ofgrief and rage and I needed to
do something besides cry.
I couldn't cry.

(11:58):
There were too many sad peopleand I couldn't contribute to
that.
Not yet.
I came back into the hospital20 minutes later and in that
time of my brief absence thedoctor told my stepmother that
my dad was very sick and weshould be prepared.
Somehow I had managed again tonot be there when they delivered
the worst news.
It wasn't long after that thatmy dad coded again.

(12:19):
We were sitting in the waitingroom and only my aunt was
sitting with him when ithappened.
This time we heard theannouncement over the PA code
blue, room 111.
My stepmother turned white andI ran to the ICU door and I
pressed the button to be let inand they wouldn't let me in
Please.
I said that's my dad.
I said I looked down the hallto see my 83-year-old aunt come

(12:40):
wandering out the other door.
We all went to the open doorand the nurses said one person
could come in and sit in a chairin the hallway by my dad's room
.
We sent my stepmother in and wecould see her sitting in the
chair looking so lost.
A nurse took pity on us and letus stand by her in the hallway.
They managed to stabilize my dad, we think I guess I found their

(13:01):
nurse practitioner and asked ifthere was a priest to deliver
last rites, just in case.
I don't know why I wanted that.
I think it's because myagnostic dad was praying for his
life.
They found us a minister whowas very helpful.
She said I'm not a priest, I'mnon-denominational.
I said it's okay, he's not thatCatholic.
They were now going to trydialysis on my dad because his

(13:24):
kidneys were failing.
We, however, didn't want themto do CPR again if he coded.
They had already broken hisribs.
He was on so many machines.
They were breathing for him.
We wanted them to try tostabilize him to not make him
suffer more.
So the minister brought us theDNR paperwork to sign Do not
resuscitate no more.

(13:45):
Code blues, daddy.
As a side note, my dad'sfavorite song was Rhapsody in
Blue.
My littlest gigantic brotherhas a tattoo of it on his arm in
honor of my dad.
My husband didn't want me totell this next part of the story
.
He felt, I think, that itundermined the story of my dad.
I listened to his points and,like most wives, have decided to

(14:08):
not do what he said anyway.
You see, my husband wasn'tthere and had to stay home
because he himself was having ahealth issue that wouldn't allow
him to travel.
So he didn't experience it.
How jarring it was.
So here we go, two-tone Ernie'sMinions.
We'd just signed the DNRpaperwork and were all sitting
in the ICU waiting room waitingand hoping that it wouldn't be

(14:30):
needed, when a woman who'd beensitting in the corner with a
person we assumed was herhusband came up to us.
I'm so sorry to hear whatyou're going through.
We thanked her and then sheaddressed my stepmother Does
your husband know Jesus?
"'my stepmother looked confused.
"'we just talked to theminister'.
She said "'The woman pressed on.

(14:52):
"'in order for your husband toget into the kingdom of heaven,
"'he must know Jesus.
"'i can go back there and prayover him.
"'i saw my brother start totense his jaw up.
"'i jumped in.
"'we will handle things in ourown way, thank you.
"'you can go back and sit down'"'She slunk back to the corner.
"'and and sit down.
She slunk back to the cornerand she and her husband loudly

(15:13):
talked about how our familydidn't understand what we were
doing.
I want you to know somethingthese people were not Christians
.
There was no love in what theywere offering.
They were predators who sat ina room looking to take advantage
of people in their darkestmoments.
They didn't want people toascend anywhere.
They wanted a notch on theirbelt for their own benefit.
It was gross and dark.

(15:35):
I recognized them immediatelyfor who they were.
They were two-ton Ernie'sminions and I was going to be
good and goddamned if they gotanywhere near my father.
Praise Jesus.
It wasn't long before theminister came to tell us that it
was time and we needed to comequickly.
The air was so thick to walkthrough.

(15:57):
I felt like everything aroundme was jello.
We all surrounded my dad, myfamily, minus my poor middle
brother who had to run his sonhome, and the minister, and it
was so loud with the machinesand the prayer it felt weird and
unsettling.
In hindsight, maybe it shouldhave been quieter.
I know my brother thought that.
However, I also know that mydad was extremely dramatic.

(16:19):
It's hereditary and there was apart of him that would have
loved the flair.
Then again, it was only louduntil it was deadly quiet.
And so there are many people inthis world who have a ton of
stuff and they hoard more andmore stuff and yet they find no
joy in their lives, no love.

(16:40):
My dad didn't have a ton ofstuff or eat money, but when he
died his pharmacist cried and sodid his dental hygienist, and
the people at Starbucks weredisappointed he wasn't coming
around anymore because they hadso much to tell him.
His neighbor who was goingthrough dialysis and who he and
my stepmother delivered theirmeals on wheels, can't believe

(17:01):
it.
His wife, his older brother andsister, my cousins, my brothers
, his grandchildren, they allfeel lesser because he is gone
and me it's so much darker herewithout my warrior of light.
My cousins, my brothers, hisgrandchildren, they all feel
lesser because he is gone and meit's so much darker here
without my warrior of light.
How do we stay safe?
Who replaces him?
I guess I will have to find away to come out from under this

(17:30):
blanket.