September 19, 2023 • 24 mins
SPECIAL NEWS BULLITEN
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS
Prepare yourselves to DIVE DEEP as Micheal Taur journeys underground with special guest, Linda Kali. Enjoy a thrilling introduction to a new chapter of the "Vera Noir, Private Eye" radio drama. Hit the streets with Dale Dallas to get the BUZZ about new moving picture: Galactic Frontier. All this and more on today's episode of EVERYTHING MATTERS.
Thanks to Emily Foulger (Vera Noir), Maggie Borden (Linda Kali), and Andrew McClelland (Intern Todd) for lending us their beautiful voices.
About The Show
Everything Matters is a Comedy Horror Podcast published every Tuesday. Join Micheal Taur and Dale Dallas as they broadcast the planet's most popular programme to the Tri Town area.
Be sure to follow or subscribe to the show on your preferred podcast provider. It's easier for you to stay up to date and helps us greatly! If you're enjoying the show, please leave us a review. Reviews and sharing with your friends is the best way to show your support.
Disclaimer: Everything Matters IS ENTIRELY satirical, and the people and places in Everything Matters are fiction. Do not try ANYTHING from the broadcast in real life. None of this is real.
Website: everythingmatterspod.com
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Everything Matters is a part of the Homebrew Podcast Network
Written and Hosted by Grant Mielke and Cody Smith
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dale Dallas (00:01):
Bobby Banana battle the battalion of bouncing
bubblebeats.
Bobby Banana, bobby Banana,mike, you're not supposed to do
that.
It's bad for the vocal cords.
You're not supposed to do that,mike.
Micheal Taur (00:17):
Terrifying tentacles twist tween the
tombstones tightly.
Terrifying tentacles twisttween the tombstones tightly.
Dale Dallas (00:25):
The bulbous walrus.
The bulbous walrus.
The bulbous walrus is back.
Oh, looks like the red lights.
Back, mike, we gotta get tobroadcasting.
Micheal Taur (00:40):
Good morning Tritown.
I'm Michael Taur and I'm DaleDallas and this is Everything
Matters, flying high on theairwaves over Moon Haven, pine
Bridge and Threadington.
Wishing everyone in the Tritownarea another happy and hydrated
(01:01):
day in this stable era.
If you can hear us, the linesare open.
We are taking callers Lots offresh calls lately, mike.
That's right.
Dale, seems like Tritown hasreally started to return to
normalcy.
Dale Dallas (01:15):
Well, I wish more of them would actually talk to
us.
The heavy breathing is reallycoming up the lines.
Micheal Taur (01:20):
I'll get Todd right on that, Dale.
Get those screened for you.
I appreciate it, Mike.
This just in Special noticefrom the Moonhaven Maritime
Authority.
A vessel has been spottedapproximately two miles off the
coast of Moonhaven.
While the boat is showingvisible movement on board and is
(01:41):
illuminated with the occasionallight, it has not responded to
multiple hails.
Attempts to approach the vesselhave proven fruitless, as the
vessel seems to get further andfurther away the closer the
Moonhaven Maritime Authoritygets to it.
The vessel appears to be about100 meters in length.
Dale Dallas (01:59):
What exactly is a meter?
Again, Mike.
Micheal Taur (02:02):
I don't know Dale and had a red stripe running the
length vertically.
The lights have been of variouscolors and do not seem to
follow a pattern of movement.
Attempts to hail the vesselinclude VHF light signals and
ESP.
All have failed.
All vessels in the vicinity ofMoonhaven are advised to
exercise caution and considerdocking.
(02:23):
The earners are requested toreport any additional
observations or interactionswith the vessel to the Moonhaven
Maritime Authority immediately.
Any vessel with communicationcapabilities is encouraged to
continue hailing theunidentified boat and report any
responses.
Dale Dallas (02:38):
Stay safe Moonhaven .
Micheal Taur (02:39):
That's exactly right, Dale.
Dale Dallas (02:41):
I can't believe the ESP didn't work.
It's time for the TritownBoltonport brought to you by Cox
Energy.
Micheal Taur (02:56):
This just in you can teach a man to fish and give
him a fish.
Ancient Curse.
Dale Dallas (03:02):
Awakens.
Nightmare's visions have beenreported all over the Tritown
area.
But amid all the confusion, onelocal pie-bridge celebrity and
winner of favorite grandmotheraward suggests a try to true
remedy Brew a pot of chamomiletea before bedtime and add just
a pinch of grout mummy dust fromyour pantry and your nightmares
(03:22):
will be a thing of the past inno time flat.
In other news, the town's mummysupply is running dangerously
low.
Micheal Taur (03:30):
I've been sitting on the mail order resupply for
far too long.
We all know that surprisesaren't always a good thing,
especially for everyone who'sjust waking up.
There can be any number ofunexpected household appliance
failures, pests or other hazards.
In response, the Tritown CityCouncil is happy to announce
that poison control, hazardouswaste and explosives defusal
(03:51):
hotline has been reopened.
Just dial 221 and select.
Help Me, I'm having troublewaking up from the available
prompts.
Dale Dallas (04:00):
Yeah, all my gadgets are on the fritz right
now, mike.
It is literally driving meinsane.
Fish with human-like facesspotted local pond are mutations
on the rise.
Local scientists are trulyfloundering to explain this.
One Seems these fish havedecided to give evolution a
finny-do-twist, but theterrifying expressions of their
(04:21):
uncannily human faces suggestsomething far more threatening
lurking just beneath the surface.
Micheal Taur (04:27):
Subs fishy-dale.
Did you wake up to a life-likestuffed dog, deer or other
creature in or outside of yourhome?
An important notice from thePine Bridge Constabulary Chief
of Police, bradley Stockhart, isoffering a reward for
information on any unauthorizedtaxidermy.
Dale Dallas (04:45):
Yeah, that happened to me, Mike.
I was just getting around forthe broadcast and I saw my wife
standing out in the yard, butthankfully she was just
taxidermy, that's terrifyingDale.
In other news.
Tritown celebrates NationalSadness Day with tears of joy,
as citizens all over the regiongather to commemorate a day of
unexplainable elation andhappiness.
(05:07):
People all over town are justhappy to be sad, Mike.
Micheal Taur (05:11):
We will cheer up all those terrified fish Dale.
We can only hope Marie Stew'scanned goods announces a new
flavor From the culinary mindsthat brought you teriyaki
barbecue and original flavoredcanned meat.
Now comes the latestdevelopment in shelf-stocking
splendor Mystery bags.
That's right, mixed pleasurewith nourishment with Marie
(05:33):
Stew's mystery bags.
Surprise, it's Marie Stew'scanned meat.
Your whole family will lovetearing into these sensibly
packaged and calorie-rich meals.
Dale Dallas (05:44):
You know, Mike, original is my favorite.
I don't know why everyonealways gives me so much guff
about it, but I say, give methat original meat.
Micheal Taur (05:52):
This has been the Tritown Bulletin Board brought
to you by Cox Energy.
If you've had enough of thoseflimsy, flaccid copper wires
dangling around your home, callyour partner right now and tell
them I want Cox Energy.
On today's Everything Matters,dale Dallas hits the streets and
(06:19):
asks locals about the newmoving picture Galactic Frontier
.
In a brand new chapter of Outand About Around Tritown, I meet
with grocer and mining expertLinda Kiley To kick it all off.
A brand new chapter of VeraNoir Private Eye.
In the shadows of a city drapedin secrets, there's one woman
(06:48):
who dares uncover the truth.
A dame with eyes as sharp asher whip and a heart that's seen
its share of hurt.
A big heart that falls easilybut drives her to seek justice
in a world that looks the otherway.
Dale Dallas (07:03):
This is Varun War Private Eye.
Moviegoer 1 (07:15):
The city was weeping, dark rain covering the
streets.
I was alone for the night,finally, just me myself.
Two fingers and a half handledkoheba.
I was about to put on a recordwhen my office door creaked open
and I heard footsteps.
Are you the?
Private Eye he asked what's itsay on the door?
(07:36):
I thought.
But what I said was that's me.
What's eating?
Ya, my wife Lila Gross, Ithought, but he kept on before I
could crack wise.
She's gone missing.
I need your help.
Missing dames are a dime adozen in this city.
Something about the sound of hisvoice, all sad like that, got
(07:59):
me to look up into these deepoceans of blue eyes.
He was tall and lean, as everysubtle movement was graceful,
deliberate, like a slow dance.
Only he knew the steps to Hissuit perfectly tailored,
whispered of elegance, and theway it hugged his frame made it
clear he was no stranger tophysical pursuits.
(08:21):
Dark, wavy hair framed a facewith a strong jaw, softened by
the gentle curve of his lips.
I realized I had startedsweating.
I cleared my throat and did mybest to stop imagining him
pushing all the files off mydesk, shoving my paperweight
down my throat.
He handed over a photograph.
On the back it just said Lila.
When I flipped it over, myheart almost stopped.
(08:44):
This was a photo of the mostgorgeous woman I'd ever seen.
Her legs seemed to go onforever, ending in heels.
I wished she'd used to gouge myeyes out.
She had thighs like fleshy,moist tree trunks and I couldn't
help but imagine her squishingmy silly little squirrel head.
Between them.
She was all curves, asgeometrically impossible as she
(09:05):
was beautiful.
But that wasn't the mostintoxicating part.
Her eyes, those deep blueoceans of love and loss.
I kept on a poker face but mylips were about to betray me
with a single word Mommy.
But luckily the man spoke first.
Find her Money's no object,money talks.
(09:27):
I managed between weasers.
I hit the streets, starting withthe blue parrot.
Lila was known to frequent thatjoint.
Talk to the barkeep.
Lila, yeah, she was here a fewnights ago, left with some tall
fella.
The plot thickened like the fogoutside.
She's here just about everyThursday.
It's bridge night.
(09:48):
It was Tuesday, so I only had acouple of days to wait for the
next bridge night.
When Thursday rolled around, Iposted up in my beater and put
the seat back.
Lo started to work through afew packs of cigarettes and an
old tuna fish.
Sure enough, guess who showedLila?
She was talking to thebartender.
When I stepped in.
He nodded toward me and sheheaded out the back in a hurry.
(10:09):
I followed, of course.
The back door led to analleyway.
It was raining again and Lilasomehow managed to look even
more breathtaking in the pouringrain.
That's when I heard who thehell are you?
I turned from Lila to see themost beautiful creature my eyes
had ever taken in.
It was a pudgy fella.
He had the type of belly you'dcurl up on in front of a
(10:30):
fireplace, naked on bearskin.
I was sure from the way hestood he could barbecue one hell
of a hamburger patty Type ofburger that make you do things.
The bulge in his couple ofsizes, two small dad jeans,
seemed to pulse.
With my quickening heartbeat Iwanted him to crack me open like
a cold one, but I realized Ihad started to drool.
(10:52):
Quickly shut my mouth.
That's my wife, he said.
Micheal Taur (11:00):
That's a wrap for this week.
Who is this Joker accostingVera in the alleyway?
What's Lila's secret?
Stay tuned and find out on thenext Vera Noir Private Eye.
Dale Dallas (11:32):
Hello there Tritout .
I'm Dale Dallas and welcome toSidewalk Spotlights.
Today we're standing rightoutside the bustling Tritout
multiplex where we just caught asensational screening of the
new film Galactic Frontier.
The anticipation is palpableand we're eagerly waiting to
hear from moviegoers about theirthoughts on this epic space
(11:52):
adventure.
Excuse me, sir, Sir, what didyou think of?
Moviegoer 1 (11:56):
the film, I don't know.
You know, it kind of made meuneasy.
The aliens in the movie werejust so advanced and benevolent
and it made me wonder if theywere setting an impossibly high
standard for my life, and how amI supposed to live up to that
standard?
Dale Dallas (12:10):
You know, I think I have to agree with you on that
one.
Thank you very much for theinsights.
Pardon me miss what did youthink of the film?
Moviegoer 2 (12:16):
I'm just really concerned about this film's
accuracy.
What if it's a deliberatemisrepresentation of aliens to
distract us from realextraterrestrial activity?
I mean, who's fact checkingthese frickin' filmmakers?
I can't help but worry thatthat movie was an elaborate
cover-up for actual alienencounters.
Or what if all those UFOsightings were just publicity
(12:37):
stunts for this film?
I'm not sure what to believeanymore.
Dale Dallas (12:41):
Interesting take.
Thanks anyway.
You, sir, can you sum up thefilm?
For me it was like having sexwith ET, you know.
You know.
You know how some movies havehidden Easter eggs For like fans
to find.
Well, this one hid an Easteregg in my butt.
Well, things are starting toget pretty lively out here in
(13:03):
the Tritown Multiplex.
I think that's about enough forthis segment.
I'm Dale Dallas and next isMichael Tore.
Without a bow, trite out.
Micheal Taur (13:24):
On this episode of Out and About Tritown.
I'm visiting ThreadingtonGrocer Linda Kali to dive deep
into the world of holes.
Hi, linda.
Linda Kali (13:37):
Yeah, hi.
Micheal Taur (13:40):
The Egyptians had their pyramids, china had their
great wall, america had theirshopping malls and the reunited
peoples had their containmentfacilities.
Linda from Threadington has acomplex underground tunnel
system under her home.
Humans have always beenfascinated by what lies beneath.
(14:01):
Linda takes that to a wholeother level, a lower level.
Tell everyone a little bitabout yourself, linda.
Linda Kali (14:11):
My name is Linda Kali and I have been building a
tunnel system under my home forthe last 13 years.
Micheal Taur (14:19):
How does one go about starting to build a tunnel
system under their home?
Linda Kali (14:25):
Well, mike, as time has gone on, I've found I spend
more and more time in my bunkeroffice instead of my home.
And the more I spent in mybunker office, the more I
started craving to know what laybelow it.
After a couple nights ofsleeping here, I made up my mind
(14:45):
I was going to create anunderground tunnel system below
my home 13 years ago I woke upat exactly 3.33 am, knowing the
location of a cache of powertools hidden by my great
grandmother.
I dug them up and immediatelystarted cutting and opening
through the reinforced concrete.
(15:07):
When the hole was large enoughfor a human body, I started to
carve through the solid rock atabout a 30-degree angle.
Micheal Taur (15:16):
What did you do with all of the excavated rock
and dirt?
Linda Kali (15:20):
I fabricated a mine cart system out of wheelbarrows
and wire, the thick cox energystuff.
Nice, I was moving a thousandpounds of dirt and stone a day.
I enjoyed digging so much atfirst I lost track of time.
I found myself digging for longperiods of time.
(15:42):
My family became concerned formy health.
Six years ago my husband leftme and took my children.
Micheal Taur (15:49):
This is a fine tunnel, linda.
You've made stairs.
Looks like you've run lights,all of these cute runes on the
walls.
Oh, is this a little benchyou've carved here?
Linda Kali (16:02):
I'm not sure.
I think it might be an altar.
Micheal Taur (16:06):
Linda had gone very deep.
I couldn't help but beimpressed, as I lost track of
how long I had been followingher.
The sprawling tunnel systembelow her home seemed to go
deeper and deeper.
Linda Kali (16:20):
So around here I started to have some issues with
leakage, so I dug a pit to helpdrain it and made this custom
drainage pipe system, and I havebeen pumping this out behind
the grocery store.
Micheal Taur (16:34):
What exactly is this liquid, Linda?
Linda Kali (16:37):
I'm not sure, but I can tell you one thing Don't
drop your keys in it.
So we're getting near the endAround here.
I started setting upventilation and needed to
reinforce the walls.
I've used hundreds and hundredsof cinder blocks and started
(16:58):
mixing my own concrete.
Micheal Taur (17:00):
This is quite impressive.
It is starting to get prettyhot, though.
How deep would you say we areright now, Linda?
Linda Kali (17:09):
I think we're at least a thousand meters
underground.
Micheal Taur (17:13):
There was that word again Meters.
I just kept hearing about them.
Linda Kali (17:18):
I don't know how much longer I have to go, I just
know I need to keep digging.
Micheal Taur (17:25):
Unnoble pursuit, Linda.
How have you been managing thegrocery store while doing all of
this?
Linda Kali (17:32):
I haven't worked at the grocery store in 13 years.
Micheal Taur (17:37):
Um, there's absolutely a Linda at the
Thredington Grocery Store.
I spoke with her yesterdayscheduling this interview.
Linda Kali (17:46):
Oh, that's not me.
Micheal Taur (17:48):
They let you pump the liquids behind the grocery
store, though Still, uh right,linda, what's that noise we keep
hearing?
Linda Kali (18:03):
What noise?
Micheal Taur (18:06):
It's uh, grummy Whispers maybe.
Maybe it's just wind Are you,Linda?
Dale Dallas (18:15):
are you feeling all ?
Micheal Taur (18:15):
right, linda, linda.
Well, there you have it, folks.
Another heartwarming story froma hard-working Tritown-y, a
reminder that sometimes thejourney is more important than
the destination.
I wish Linda all the best inher destiny to dig.
(18:38):
This has been Michael Thor, andanother chapter of Out and
About Tritown.
Well, dale, that felt good.
Good indeed, mike, it's good tobe back.
(19:00):
In turn.
Todd has been sliding thesepapers under the door the whole
program.
And now he is franticallywaving at me, but I think that's
just a normal wave, mike, thenwhy does he look so frantic,
dale?
Dale Dallas (19:13):
I think that's just how he looks, mike.
Micheal Taur (19:15):
Oh, this looks like some feedback from the
beautiful folks from Tritown viaroute of something called Apple
Podcasts.
Oh nice, let's see what we havehere.
Dana says thanks to Mike andDale for their segment with Park
(19:35):
Ranger Jeb Marshall.
I now feel 100% confident thatI can navigate the grand
orchestra of the Mesa TrailsWith a snake kid in hand and the
knowledge of how to use it.
I set my sight on conquering myfear of snakes.
Much thanks from Dana.
Dale Dallas (19:53):
Be safe out there.
Dana, Don't buy anyticket-study reptilian cardinals
.
Here's another one.
This one's from Nathan.
I'll keep this brief as I'malready over my online
compliments quota for the month,but it's great to have Mike and
Dale back on the air after theblackout.
It really fills a void in myever-consuming chest cavity that
I've really been looking toscratch.
An inch that's finally filled.
(20:15):
Their voices are so intelligent.
Their commentary is verysoothing Just what I needed my
day.
Michael and Dale, wonderful tohave you back in my head.
Micheal Taur (20:25):
How eloquent, nathan.
Thank you so much.
This next one's from Noah.
Just gotta say loving the show.
You too are my favoritenewscasters.
Can't stay for long, as I'mjust about to try and assert my
dominance in the mirror.
Wish me luck.
Dale Dallas (20:42):
Good luck, noah.
I recommend just covering thedang thing.
This one's from Zinsetsu.
Is that how you say that,zinsetsu?
Good enough, dale.
The blackout is finally over.
Great to hear your voices again.
Mike and Dale.
Hope you both stayed safeduring the blackout, especially
Dale, since I heard you scored asix on the mirror safety test.
(21:04):
I'll have to make sure to stockup on more Cox energy before
the next blackout comes around.
Almost ran out this time.
Micheal Taur (21:11):
Well, I love Cox as much as the next guy, but I
don't know how you'd run out ofthat.
There are quite a few papershere, so we'll read more next
week.
In just a moment you'll hearfrom intern Todd on how to get
your feedback on EverythingMatters.
Thank you, listeners, fortuning in and remember it's all
real, everything matters and itnever ends.
(21:33):
This program would not bepossible without the support of
listeners like you.
Special thanks to the Waking Upteam.
That French guy, spaz Varen,summer Seatown, jeremy Zann,
fred Grouchs, max did with anexplanation point.
Sleepy Elf, known Ironbeard,keith the true paradox,
(22:00):
orderhouse Excalibur, danielForrest, some nerd, scion Fate,
that one joke guy, the roguewriter, twin Zip, calyx, cord
Faith, sketchy Squirrel, renWolf, adrian Samoth, the
(22:21):
Dreamweaver, lassius Verts, theFrisky Sloth, loomy Darkmoon,
tobio Dre, andy Hustlost, hopeEretach, the Jill Pineapple,
noah's Ark, adrail the Dragon,hermit, scion Fate, ken V or Ken
(22:45):
V, I don't know.
Ken McCliver believe that's atypo.
Ken Lins, e Brass, joker, joe2.0, papa Fenn, just happy to be
here.
Elf Shade, jesse Klaus, hansand the Ace of Spades.
(23:07):
That was the Everything MattersWaking Up Team.
Thank you for all of yoursupport launching the show.
Now a word for Intern Todd.
Intern Todd (23:21):
Thanks for listening to Everything Matters.
This is Intern Todd.
Everything Matters is a part ofthe Homebrew Network.
If you're listening from the21st century, you could really
help us grow by leaving us areview on Spotify and Apple
podcasts.
The algorithm god hungersgreatly and saving him can be a
full-time job, so leave us areview on Spotify and Apple.
(23:46):
If you leave a review as aresident of Tritown, without
breaking the fourth wall, daleand Mike might read your review
on the show.
Just make sure you don't, youknow, give anything away that
you're from the 21st century orthat could really, you know,
break Mike and Dale's minds.
Yeah, links are atEverythingMattersPodcom.
(24:08):
If you're listening from the22nd and 24th century, you can
review us on Musknet in exchangefor one kudo.
25th to 29th century please getoff the internet immediately.
Using the internet poses apublic safety hazard.
All other centuries.
Call 1-800-MATTERS if it issafe to do so.
(24:29):
Again, that'sEverythingMattersPodcom.
Bobby Banana battle the battalion of bouncing
bubblebeats.
Bobby Banana, bobby Banana,mike, you're not supposed to do
that.
It's bad for the vocal cords.
You're not supposed to do that,mike.
Micheal Taur (00:17):
Terrifying tentacles twist tween the
tombstones tightly.
Terrifying tentacles twisttween the tombstones tightly.
Dale Dallas (00:25):
The bulbous walrus.
The bulbous walrus.
The bulbous walrus is back.
Oh, looks like the red lights.
Back, mike, we gotta get tobroadcasting.
Micheal Taur (00:40):
Good morning Tritown.
I'm Michael Taur and I'm DaleDallas and this is Everything
Matters, flying high on theairwaves over Moon Haven, pine
Bridge and Threadington.
Wishing everyone in the Tritownarea another happy and hydrated
(01:01):
day in this stable era.
If you can hear us, the linesare open.
We are taking callers Lots offresh calls lately, mike.
That's right.
Dale, seems like Tritown hasreally started to return to
normalcy.
Dale Dallas (01:15):
Well, I wish more of them would actually talk to
us.
The heavy breathing is reallycoming up the lines.
Micheal Taur (01:20):
I'll get Todd right on that, Dale.
Get those screened for you.
I appreciate it, Mike.
This just in Special noticefrom the Moonhaven Maritime
Authority.
A vessel has been spottedapproximately two miles off the
coast of Moonhaven.
While the boat is showingvisible movement on board and is
(01:41):
illuminated with the occasionallight, it has not responded to
multiple hails.
Attempts to approach the vesselhave proven fruitless, as the
vessel seems to get further andfurther away the closer the
Moonhaven Maritime Authoritygets to it.
The vessel appears to be about100 meters in length.
Dale Dallas (01:59):
What exactly is a meter?
Again, Mike.
Micheal Taur (02:02):
I don't know Dale and had a red stripe running the
length vertically.
The lights have been of variouscolors and do not seem to
follow a pattern of movement.
Attempts to hail the vesselinclude VHF light signals and
ESP.
All have failed.
All vessels in the vicinity ofMoonhaven are advised to
exercise caution and considerdocking.
(02:23):
The earners are requested toreport any additional
observations or interactionswith the vessel to the Moonhaven
Maritime Authority immediately.
Any vessel with communicationcapabilities is encouraged to
continue hailing theunidentified boat and report any
responses.
Dale Dallas (02:38):
Stay safe Moonhaven .
Micheal Taur (02:39):
That's exactly right, Dale.
Dale Dallas (02:41):
I can't believe the ESP didn't work.
It's time for the TritownBoltonport brought to you by Cox
Energy.
Micheal Taur (02:56):
This just in you can teach a man to fish and give
him a fish.
Ancient Curse.
Dale Dallas (03:02):
Awakens.
Nightmare's visions have beenreported all over the Tritown
area.
But amid all the confusion, onelocal pie-bridge celebrity and
winner of favorite grandmotheraward suggests a try to true
remedy Brew a pot of chamomiletea before bedtime and add just
a pinch of grout mummy dust fromyour pantry and your nightmares
(03:22):
will be a thing of the past inno time flat.
In other news, the town's mummysupply is running dangerously
low.
Micheal Taur (03:30):
I've been sitting on the mail order resupply for
far too long.
We all know that surprisesaren't always a good thing,
especially for everyone who'sjust waking up.
There can be any number ofunexpected household appliance
failures, pests or other hazards.
In response, the Tritown CityCouncil is happy to announce
that poison control, hazardouswaste and explosives defusal
(03:51):
hotline has been reopened.
Just dial 221 and select.
Help Me, I'm having troublewaking up from the available
prompts.
Dale Dallas (04:00):
Yeah, all my gadgets are on the fritz right
now, mike.
It is literally driving meinsane.
Fish with human-like facesspotted local pond are mutations
on the rise.
Local scientists are trulyfloundering to explain this.
One Seems these fish havedecided to give evolution a
finny-do-twist, but theterrifying expressions of their
(04:21):
uncannily human faces suggestsomething far more threatening
lurking just beneath the surface.
Micheal Taur (04:27):
Subs fishy-dale.
Did you wake up to a life-likestuffed dog, deer or other
creature in or outside of yourhome?
An important notice from thePine Bridge Constabulary Chief
of Police, bradley Stockhart, isoffering a reward for
information on any unauthorizedtaxidermy.
Dale Dallas (04:45):
Yeah, that happened to me, Mike.
I was just getting around forthe broadcast and I saw my wife
standing out in the yard, butthankfully she was just
taxidermy, that's terrifyingDale.
In other news.
Tritown celebrates NationalSadness Day with tears of joy,
as citizens all over the regiongather to commemorate a day of
unexplainable elation andhappiness.
(05:07):
People all over town are justhappy to be sad, Mike.
Micheal Taur (05:11):
We will cheer up all those terrified fish Dale.
We can only hope Marie Stew'scanned goods announces a new
flavor From the culinary mindsthat brought you teriyaki
barbecue and original flavoredcanned meat.
Now comes the latestdevelopment in shelf-stocking
splendor Mystery bags.
That's right, mixed pleasurewith nourishment with Marie
(05:33):
Stew's mystery bags.
Surprise, it's Marie Stew'scanned meat.
Your whole family will lovetearing into these sensibly
packaged and calorie-rich meals.
Dale Dallas (05:44):
You know, Mike, original is my favorite.
I don't know why everyonealways gives me so much guff
about it, but I say, give methat original meat.
Micheal Taur (05:52):
This has been the Tritown Bulletin Board brought
to you by Cox Energy.
If you've had enough of thoseflimsy, flaccid copper wires
dangling around your home, callyour partner right now and tell
them I want Cox Energy.
On today's Everything Matters,dale Dallas hits the streets and
(06:19):
asks locals about the newmoving picture Galactic Frontier
.
In a brand new chapter of Outand About Around Tritown, I meet
with grocer and mining expertLinda Kiley To kick it all off.
A brand new chapter of VeraNoir Private Eye.
In the shadows of a city drapedin secrets, there's one woman
(06:48):
who dares uncover the truth.
A dame with eyes as sharp asher whip and a heart that's seen
its share of hurt.
A big heart that falls easilybut drives her to seek justice
in a world that looks the otherway.
Dale Dallas (07:03):
This is Varun War Private Eye.
Moviegoer 1 (07:15):
The city was weeping, dark rain covering the
streets.
I was alone for the night,finally, just me myself.
Two fingers and a half handledkoheba.
I was about to put on a recordwhen my office door creaked open
and I heard footsteps.
Are you the?
Private Eye he asked what's itsay on the door?
(07:36):
I thought.
But what I said was that's me.
What's eating?
Ya, my wife Lila Gross, Ithought, but he kept on before I
could crack wise.
She's gone missing.
I need your help.
Missing dames are a dime adozen in this city.
Something about the sound of hisvoice, all sad like that, got
(07:59):
me to look up into these deepoceans of blue eyes.
He was tall and lean, as everysubtle movement was graceful,
deliberate, like a slow dance.
Only he knew the steps to Hissuit perfectly tailored,
whispered of elegance, and theway it hugged his frame made it
clear he was no stranger tophysical pursuits.
(08:21):
Dark, wavy hair framed a facewith a strong jaw, softened by
the gentle curve of his lips.
I realized I had startedsweating.
I cleared my throat and did mybest to stop imagining him
pushing all the files off mydesk, shoving my paperweight
down my throat.
He handed over a photograph.
On the back it just said Lila.
When I flipped it over, myheart almost stopped.
(08:44):
This was a photo of the mostgorgeous woman I'd ever seen.
Her legs seemed to go onforever, ending in heels.
I wished she'd used to gouge myeyes out.
She had thighs like fleshy,moist tree trunks and I couldn't
help but imagine her squishingmy silly little squirrel head.
Between them.
She was all curves, asgeometrically impossible as she
(09:05):
was beautiful.
But that wasn't the mostintoxicating part.
Her eyes, those deep blueoceans of love and loss.
I kept on a poker face but mylips were about to betray me
with a single word Mommy.
But luckily the man spoke first.
Find her Money's no object,money talks.
(09:27):
I managed between weasers.
I hit the streets, starting withthe blue parrot.
Lila was known to frequent thatjoint.
Talk to the barkeep.
Lila, yeah, she was here a fewnights ago, left with some tall
fella.
The plot thickened like the fogoutside.
She's here just about everyThursday.
It's bridge night.
(09:48):
It was Tuesday, so I only had acouple of days to wait for the
next bridge night.
When Thursday rolled around, Iposted up in my beater and put
the seat back.
Lo started to work through afew packs of cigarettes and an
old tuna fish.
Sure enough, guess who showedLila?
She was talking to thebartender.
When I stepped in.
He nodded toward me and sheheaded out the back in a hurry.
(10:09):
I followed, of course.
The back door led to analleyway.
It was raining again and Lilasomehow managed to look even
more breathtaking in the pouringrain.
That's when I heard who thehell are you?
I turned from Lila to see themost beautiful creature my eyes
had ever taken in.
It was a pudgy fella.
He had the type of belly you'dcurl up on in front of a
(10:30):
fireplace, naked on bearskin.
I was sure from the way hestood he could barbecue one hell
of a hamburger patty Type ofburger that make you do things.
The bulge in his couple ofsizes, two small dad jeans,
seemed to pulse.
With my quickening heartbeat Iwanted him to crack me open like
a cold one, but I realized Ihad started to drool.
(10:52):
Quickly shut my mouth.
That's my wife, he said.
Micheal Taur (11:00):
That's a wrap for this week.
Who is this Joker accostingVera in the alleyway?
What's Lila's secret?
Stay tuned and find out on thenext Vera Noir Private Eye.
Dale Dallas (11:32):
Hello there Tritout .
I'm Dale Dallas and welcome toSidewalk Spotlights.
Today we're standing rightoutside the bustling Tritout
multiplex where we just caught asensational screening of the
new film Galactic Frontier.
The anticipation is palpableand we're eagerly waiting to
hear from moviegoers about theirthoughts on this epic space
(11:52):
adventure.
Excuse me, sir, Sir, what didyou think of?
Moviegoer 1 (11:56):
the film, I don't know.
You know, it kind of made meuneasy.
The aliens in the movie werejust so advanced and benevolent
and it made me wonder if theywere setting an impossibly high
standard for my life, and how amI supposed to live up to that
standard?
Dale Dallas (12:10):
You know, I think I have to agree with you on that
one.
Thank you very much for theinsights.
Pardon me miss what did youthink of the film?
Moviegoer 2 (12:16):
I'm just really concerned about this film's
accuracy.
What if it's a deliberatemisrepresentation of aliens to
distract us from realextraterrestrial activity?
I mean, who's fact checkingthese frickin' filmmakers?
I can't help but worry thatthat movie was an elaborate
cover-up for actual alienencounters.
Or what if all those UFOsightings were just publicity
(12:37):
stunts for this film?
I'm not sure what to believeanymore.
Dale Dallas (12:41):
Interesting take.
Thanks anyway.
You, sir, can you sum up thefilm?
For me it was like having sexwith ET, you know.
You know.
You know how some movies havehidden Easter eggs For like fans
to find.
Well, this one hid an Easteregg in my butt.
Well, things are starting toget pretty lively out here in
(13:03):
the Tritown Multiplex.
I think that's about enough forthis segment.
I'm Dale Dallas and next isMichael Tore.
Without a bow, trite out.
Micheal Taur (13:24):
On this episode of Out and About Tritown.
I'm visiting ThreadingtonGrocer Linda Kali to dive deep
into the world of holes.
Hi, linda.
Linda Kali (13:37):
Yeah, hi.
Micheal Taur (13:40):
The Egyptians had their pyramids, china had their
great wall, america had theirshopping malls and the reunited
peoples had their containmentfacilities.
Linda from Threadington has acomplex underground tunnel
system under her home.
Humans have always beenfascinated by what lies beneath.
(14:01):
Linda takes that to a wholeother level, a lower level.
Tell everyone a little bitabout yourself, linda.
Linda Kali (14:11):
My name is Linda Kali and I have been building a
tunnel system under my home forthe last 13 years.
Micheal Taur (14:19):
How does one go about starting to build a tunnel
system under their home?
Linda Kali (14:25):
Well, mike, as time has gone on, I've found I spend
more and more time in my bunkeroffice instead of my home.
And the more I spent in mybunker office, the more I
started craving to know what laybelow it.
After a couple nights ofsleeping here, I made up my mind
(14:45):
I was going to create anunderground tunnel system below
my home 13 years ago I woke upat exactly 3.33 am, knowing the
location of a cache of powertools hidden by my great
grandmother.
I dug them up and immediatelystarted cutting and opening
through the reinforced concrete.
(15:07):
When the hole was large enoughfor a human body, I started to
carve through the solid rock atabout a 30-degree angle.
Micheal Taur (15:16):
What did you do with all of the excavated rock
and dirt?
Linda Kali (15:20):
I fabricated a mine cart system out of wheelbarrows
and wire, the thick cox energystuff.
Nice, I was moving a thousandpounds of dirt and stone a day.
I enjoyed digging so much atfirst I lost track of time.
I found myself digging for longperiods of time.
(15:42):
My family became concerned formy health.
Six years ago my husband leftme and took my children.
Micheal Taur (15:49):
This is a fine tunnel, linda.
You've made stairs.
Looks like you've run lights,all of these cute runes on the
walls.
Oh, is this a little benchyou've carved here?
Linda Kali (16:02):
I'm not sure.
I think it might be an altar.
Micheal Taur (16:06):
Linda had gone very deep.
I couldn't help but beimpressed, as I lost track of
how long I had been followingher.
The sprawling tunnel systembelow her home seemed to go
deeper and deeper.
Linda Kali (16:20):
So around here I started to have some issues with
leakage, so I dug a pit to helpdrain it and made this custom
drainage pipe system, and I havebeen pumping this out behind
the grocery store.
Micheal Taur (16:34):
What exactly is this liquid, Linda?
Linda Kali (16:37):
I'm not sure, but I can tell you one thing Don't
drop your keys in it.
So we're getting near the endAround here.
I started setting upventilation and needed to
reinforce the walls.
I've used hundreds and hundredsof cinder blocks and started
(16:58):
mixing my own concrete.
Micheal Taur (17:00):
This is quite impressive.
It is starting to get prettyhot, though.
How deep would you say we areright now, Linda?
Linda Kali (17:09):
I think we're at least a thousand meters
underground.
Micheal Taur (17:13):
There was that word again Meters.
I just kept hearing about them.
Linda Kali (17:18):
I don't know how much longer I have to go, I just
know I need to keep digging.
Micheal Taur (17:25):
Unnoble pursuit, Linda.
How have you been managing thegrocery store while doing all of
this?
Linda Kali (17:32):
I haven't worked at the grocery store in 13 years.
Micheal Taur (17:37):
Um, there's absolutely a Linda at the
Thredington Grocery Store.
I spoke with her yesterdayscheduling this interview.
Linda Kali (17:46):
Oh, that's not me.
Micheal Taur (17:48):
They let you pump the liquids behind the grocery
store, though Still, uh right,linda, what's that noise we keep
hearing?
Linda Kali (18:03):
What noise?
Micheal Taur (18:06):
It's uh, grummy Whispers maybe.
Maybe it's just wind Are you,Linda?
Dale Dallas (18:15):
are you feeling all ?
Micheal Taur (18:15):
right, linda, linda.
Well, there you have it, folks.
Another heartwarming story froma hard-working Tritown-y, a
reminder that sometimes thejourney is more important than
the destination.
I wish Linda all the best inher destiny to dig.
(18:38):
This has been Michael Thor, andanother chapter of Out and
About Tritown.
Well, dale, that felt good.
Good indeed, mike, it's good tobe back.
(19:00):
In turn.
Todd has been sliding thesepapers under the door the whole
program.
And now he is franticallywaving at me, but I think that's
just a normal wave, mike, thenwhy does he look so frantic,
dale?
Dale Dallas (19:13):
I think that's just how he looks, mike.
Micheal Taur (19:15):
Oh, this looks like some feedback from the
beautiful folks from Tritown viaroute of something called Apple
Podcasts.
Oh nice, let's see what we havehere.
Dana says thanks to Mike andDale for their segment with Park
(19:35):
Ranger Jeb Marshall.
I now feel 100% confident thatI can navigate the grand
orchestra of the Mesa TrailsWith a snake kid in hand and the
knowledge of how to use it.
I set my sight on conquering myfear of snakes.
Much thanks from Dana.
Dale Dallas (19:53):
Be safe out there.
Dana, Don't buy anyticket-study reptilian cardinals
.
Here's another one.
This one's from Nathan.
I'll keep this brief as I'malready over my online
compliments quota for the month,but it's great to have Mike and
Dale back on the air after theblackout.
It really fills a void in myever-consuming chest cavity that
I've really been looking toscratch.
An inch that's finally filled.
(20:15):
Their voices are so intelligent.
Their commentary is verysoothing Just what I needed my
day.
Michael and Dale, wonderful tohave you back in my head.
Micheal Taur (20:25):
How eloquent, nathan.
Thank you so much.
This next one's from Noah.
Just gotta say loving the show.
You too are my favoritenewscasters.
Can't stay for long, as I'mjust about to try and assert my
dominance in the mirror.
Wish me luck.
Dale Dallas (20:42):
Good luck, noah.
I recommend just covering thedang thing.
This one's from Zinsetsu.
Is that how you say that,zinsetsu?
Good enough, dale.
The blackout is finally over.
Great to hear your voices again.
Mike and Dale.
Hope you both stayed safeduring the blackout, especially
Dale, since I heard you scored asix on the mirror safety test.
(21:04):
I'll have to make sure to stockup on more Cox energy before
the next blackout comes around.
Almost ran out this time.
Micheal Taur (21:11):
Well, I love Cox as much as the next guy, but I
don't know how you'd run out ofthat.
There are quite a few papershere, so we'll read more next
week.
In just a moment you'll hearfrom intern Todd on how to get
your feedback on EverythingMatters.
Thank you, listeners, fortuning in and remember it's all
real, everything matters and itnever ends.
(21:33):
This program would not bepossible without the support of
listeners like you.
Special thanks to the Waking Upteam.
That French guy, spaz Varen,summer Seatown, jeremy Zann,
fred Grouchs, max did with anexplanation point.
Sleepy Elf, known Ironbeard,keith the true paradox,
(22:00):
orderhouse Excalibur, danielForrest, some nerd, scion Fate,
that one joke guy, the roguewriter, twin Zip, calyx, cord
Faith, sketchy Squirrel, renWolf, adrian Samoth, the
(22:21):
Dreamweaver, lassius Verts, theFrisky Sloth, loomy Darkmoon,
tobio Dre, andy Hustlost, hopeEretach, the Jill Pineapple,
noah's Ark, adrail the Dragon,hermit, scion Fate, ken V or Ken
(22:45):
V, I don't know.
Ken McCliver believe that's atypo.
Ken Lins, e Brass, joker, joe2.0, papa Fenn, just happy to be
here.
Elf Shade, jesse Klaus, hansand the Ace of Spades.
(23:07):
That was the Everything MattersWaking Up Team.
Thank you for all of yoursupport launching the show.
Now a word for Intern Todd.
Intern Todd (23:21):
Thanks for listening to Everything Matters.
This is Intern Todd.
Everything Matters is a part ofthe Homebrew Network.
If you're listening from the21st century, you could really
help us grow by leaving us areview on Spotify and Apple
podcasts.
The algorithm god hungersgreatly and saving him can be a
full-time job, so leave us areview on Spotify and Apple.
(23:46):
If you leave a review as aresident of Tritown, without
breaking the fourth wall, daleand Mike might read your review
on the show.
Just make sure you don't, youknow, give anything away that
you're from the 21st century orthat could really, you know,
break Mike and Dale's minds.
Yeah, links are atEverythingMattersPodcom.
(24:08):
If you're listening from the22nd and 24th century, you can
review us on Musknet in exchangefor one kudo.
25th to 29th century please getoff the internet immediately.
Using the internet poses apublic safety hazard.
All other centuries.
Call 1-800-MATTERS if it issafe to do so.
(24:29):
Again, that'sEverythingMattersPodcom.
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