October 17, 2023 • 24 mins
Prepare for a journey into the depths of the peculiar as we navigate the bizarre happenings in the enigmatic town of Tritown.
About The Show
Everything Matters is a Comedy Horror Podcast published every Tuesday. Join Micheal Taur and Dale Dallas as they broadcast the planet's most popular programme to the Tri Town area.
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Disclaimer: Everything Matters IS ENTIRELY satirical, and the people and places in Everything Matters are fiction. Do not try ANYTHING from the broadcast in real life. None of this is real.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Uh, hey, uh, Mike.
Um, hey, did you uh?
What's up, Dale?
Well, I uh.
So I had this egg saladsandwich in the mini fridge.
It was in a Tupperware and ithad my name on it.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
That's, that's Riveting Dale.
Thanks for the update.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
No, no no, no, no, no , it's gone, and I was just
curious if you knew whathappened to it.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Uh, no, I don't.
I have not seen an egg saladsandwich that I can recall.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Okay, I mean, if you did have some, it's totally okay
.
I just kinda would want you toask about it first.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Dale, I don't eat anything that doesn't have meat
in it.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
You know that Right but I mean it clearly had my
name on it.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Oh, we got a red light.
Dale places people.
Good morning, Tritown.
I'm Michael Tor and I'm DaleDallas, and this is Everything
Matters.
It's a chilly harvest day inPine Bridge, Moonhaven and
(01:16):
Threadington and the ghouls,ghosts and goblins are stirring
in anticipation of all hallows.
So, Wayne, Halloween.
How's your altar coming, Dale?
It's going great.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I've got a whole fistful of human teeth.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
It is time for the Tritown Bulletin Board, brought
to you by Cox Energy.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Tritown is looking for a new city warlock.
Are you up for the job, malachi?
Shadowcaster was once known asthe warlock of Tritown, but the
position has become vacant.
Shadowcaster was receiving anannual salary of 50k per year to
provide black magic and otherservices for the city Until
earlier this year, when it wasdiscovered Shadowcaster had been
(02:09):
engaging in practices foundunbecoming of the city of
Tritown.
Following the discovery ofGrossmiss conduct, the
authorities have decided toterminate the contract with
Shadowcaster.
The city is currently seeking anew warlock to take up the
position.
The decision was made with aheavy heart, as Shadowcaster was
believed to have performedremarkably well until the
(02:30):
discovery of his crimes.
Shadowcaster says, even thoughhe was removed from the position
, he will not stop.
It makes no difference.
I will continue my rituals inprivate.
He said they will have toliterally kill me to stop me.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Well, dale, perhaps it's your chance to moonlight as
Tritown's city warlock.
No, you've had your eye on thatfor a while.
Oh, I'm hardly qualified, mike.
Public service announcement.
Do not open any unaddressedletters you might find in your
mailbox, slit under your door ortaped to your bathroom mirror.
Residents report occurrences ofstrange envelopes appearing in
(03:07):
residents' homes, letters thathave no address or return
information.
Written on the envelopes arequestions such as are you alone,
are you hiding or are you cold?
We ask all residents to ensurethey do not open these and
report them to the Tritownneighborhood watch immediately.
Tritown Mailroom announcesimmediate job openings in spam
(03:30):
filtration.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Mike, I got one of those letters the other day and
it said shivered up my spine Didyou see the fireball last night
?
Experts are offering a rewardof $20,000 for the location of
the meteorite that flew overTritown.
When the highly sought-afterspace rock was shot out of the
sky, it shattered into tinypieces.
These shards were then spreadall over the region by strong
(03:53):
winds that reached up to 100miles per hour.
Scientists are interested infinding the impact site, but
also in purchasing thesefragments.
If you or a loved one isfortunate enough to find a piece
, contact us here, andeverything matters to claim your
reward.
You might wonder what to lookfor when hunting for meteorites.
Experts suggest chemicalcomposition testing is the most
(04:15):
effective way to determine whatyou've got, but here are some
clues that can point you in theright direction.
Meteorites and their shardstend to be heavy and magnetic,
with shallow pits on theirsurfaces, but not holes.
They are densely packed inside.
They can be oddly shaped andusually are smooth and not have
a scratchy exterior.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Wow, $20,000.
What is a dollar Dale?
I think there's some kind ofcurrency bank Interesting.
The arachnid Cold War rages onin Tritown but in a reversal of
previous policy, the TritownNeighborhood Watch withdraws its
request that residents go outof their way to knock down
spider webs built across publicwalkways.
(04:57):
Apparently, this demonstrationof superiority is triggering a
process of natural selection,causing spiders to evolve to
become more intelligent,reclusive and crafty.
Stay safe, tritown.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah, I can believe that, Mike.
I used to get a lot of wallspiders and then I killed them
all.
Now I just keep getting allthese floor spiders what has
three arts, eight arms and isused to make vodka.
If you guessed octopus, you arecorrect.
Octopuses are an invasivespecies that have plagued
Tritown's marine life for ages.
However, a local distilleryfinally has a solution.
(05:35):
We can all enjoy Octopus vodka.
Octopuses think they are sogreat and in high time they
learned who the apex predator isaround here, says Inkwell
Distillery's president andfounder, otto Inkwell.
The octopuses in Tritown arehighly successful as an invasive
species.
A single octopus can consumearound 40 shrimp per day.
(05:57):
Considering the significantpopulation of octopuses in the
waters of your Tritown, it'sobvious that we're going to run
out of shrimp.
According to Otto, vodka isjust the hook to get people
informed.
The real purpose of creativeprojects like this is to raise
awareness about a problem.
The more people learn about it,the higher the chances of
(06:18):
coming up with innovativesolutions.
By spreading the word, we mayinspire someone to think of an
idea that no one has everconsidered before.
What do you think?
Would you try octopus?
Speaker 2 (06:28):
vodka, mike, I'll try anything once.
It's too bad to hear about theshrimp.
I really enjoy my shrimp moose.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Yeah, I really love those shrimp cord dogs.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Shrimp everything, dale.
Tritown's sex educationcoordinator, richard Hung, would
like to remind everyone to makesure you bring protection on
any first dates.
Unfortunately, tritown has seena string of incidents that
could have been easily avoidedwith some preparation and peace
of mind.
Be responsible.
(06:59):
If you're not 100% sure who orwhat you're dating, at least
bring a knife.
It might just save your life.
I keep that strap on me, mike.
This has been the TritownBulletin Board brought to you by
Cox Energy.
You love Cox, we love Cox,everyone loves Cox.
So why can't we have more Goodnews?
(07:21):
Tritown With Powered your Homesand now we're going to power
your body Introducing Cox EnergyDrinks.
You'll be able to do anythingafter you've guzzled some Cox.
Supply is limited, so rush toyour local convenience store and
demand that they get out theirCox Energy Drinks.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
On this week's edition of Everything Matters,
we dive deep in the mysteriousmoney hole on a segment of the
Sacred Hidden Pass in Tritown,but first taking safety
seriously with Dr Daniel Leeds.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
This is Dr Daniel Leeds and another segment of
Taking Safety Seriously.
Today I will be reviewingSafety Article 00314, the
Endless Trail.
This is a statement from ParkRanger Jeb Marshall, shared, of
course, with his permission.
(08:36):
The Endless Trail is a reportedoccurrence in the southern Pine
Bridge Forest, in the trailsalong the Lethy River and
spillways that stretch to thePine Bridge Dam, and yet another
reminder that the safest choiceis always going to be stay
inside, stay safe and stay sane,but at the very least, don't be
(08:58):
out after dark.
With no further ado, this isPark Ranger Jeb Marshall.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
Well, I'll tell you all about the first time I found
myself on the endless trail.
Doc, I think that's the placeto start.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
That's perfectly acceptable, chip.
Why don't you guide thissession and tell your story, and
I'll just facilitate.
Speaker 4 (09:32):
Well, the first time I got myself lost which doesn't
happen often, mind you was whenI was after old Mrs
Wigginbottom's cat.
You see, Mrs Wigginbottom wasall riled up and in a panic.
It was getting real late andSnookum Wookums had ran off into
the treeline.
We all know not to be out afterdark and I don't know something
(09:54):
about the poor old widows.
Pleas for help just got past mybetter sense, so I ran off into
the forest.
I've always told folk that theforest has its own way of
speaking, A might different fromthe preservation park or the
mace of trails.
You really got to listen inthese pine barrens, Listen to
the whispering between theleaves, the creeks of the old
(10:16):
pines, Follow what critters arecoming and which are going.
But the first night I foundmyself there the woods were
silent, as if I'd wandered intosome sort of abyss.
I had gone into the forestarmed with my keen senses and
yet I didn't hear anything atall, let alone a cat.
Where are the critters?
(10:37):
The rustling of the leaves?
You ever heard?
Complete silence, Doc.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Describe it to me.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
Well, that's just it, I can't.
I mean, if you listen real good, you hear something, even if
it's just the wind or theambience of the regular world.
It's honestly a littleunsettling, which made my
heartbeat quicker, which, quitehonestly, was getting louder and
faster the more I took noticeof it About, when I realized how
(11:09):
well deafening the silence was.
The dark fell.
You think with all myexperience I'd have learned to
always carry a backup torch, butthere I was, surrounded by an
infinite sea of trees.
No moon, no stars, Just well thedark.
(11:31):
A sheet of dark what's so thickyou could cut it with a knife.
I could only see maybe a fewfeet in front of me, enough to
stay on the trail and watch thetrees around me.
It's odd.
I've been in these woodscountless times, but that night
was different.
The path that was once familiarseemed to vanish.
(11:53):
The landmarks I've come totrust were nowhere in sight.
I realized I was taking quite afew left turns.
I wouldn't say I had the trailmemorized, but I knew it well
enough to not recognize that.
I marked the tree after my sixor seven left, just for my
sanity.
(12:13):
But that certainly didn't help,as four left turns later I did
not see that tree.
Was I spiraling outward Himward?
I had the thought why not turnback?
But for some reason the idea ofgoing in a verse had felt… just
felt wrong Scared me.
(12:34):
I have since tried, and I cantell you, my will to do so wanes
by the second.
I get dizzy.
The trees start to bend andspin and there's… well,
something back there.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
What's that mean, Jeff?
What do you mean?
Something's back there.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
I don't know, it's hard to describe.
There's just something backthere wandering that trail and
it wouldn't be good if wecrossed paths.
The first time I was on thosetrails, time stretched well
beyond when the sun should havecome back up, but it didn't.
It's the same old darkness.
After a long time of wanderingand by long I mean long the
(13:20):
sounds rushed back, the wind hitme and sure enough I snapped
out of whatever trance or fog Iwas in.
I got just down the way withsnookum-wookums, halfway up a
pine, and the sun was justsetting.
Losing my sense of time on topof everything else was
unsettling, but I survived intraversed force.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
So that was the first time you experienced this
phenomenon, correct, Jeff?
Speaker 4 (13:48):
Yeah, that's right, Doc.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
And how many times have you been on this endless
trail since?
Speaker 4 (13:54):
Well, I'd say at least a dozen, a very in lengths
.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
And you mentioned, it's changed.
Speaker 4 (14:01):
A bit.
Yeah, the silence and thedarker are always the same.
It's always those God-forsakenleft turns.
But a couple of landmarks havedeveloped and that's kinda why I
felt the need to see you, doc.
Not something I do lightly,seeking help.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
I understand, so tell me about the sights.
Speaker 4 (14:22):
Well, the first stop is hard to describe.
The trail is all left, but tothe right I see a light, a way's
off over some hills, a cabin,as the trees thud and the path
cuts towards the cabin.
I see lights in the windows,sometimes a shadow.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
And what's in the cabin, jeff, I can't bring
myself to get that far, doc.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
The cabin is an exact replica of my childhood home
and there's a silhouette in thewindow that would've been mine,
looking off into the woods whereI grew up.
I remember as a child seeing aman in the woods looking at my
home.
He was watching me, scared meat first, but eventually it felt
as if we became acquainted Realbad diets.
(15:10):
And seeing him in the woodslooking on, watching over,
making sure everything wasalright, I feel a duty to stop
it and watch for a while, givethat shadow the same piece of
mind that man in the woods gaveme.
I'm sure that sounds a littlesilly.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Of course not.
Speaker 4 (15:28):
Well, the second side is a clearing with a twisted
blackjack oak in the center.
First time I saw that side itwas just a tree.
Second time it had a coil ofrope Progressing all the way
until I had to walk by hangingman Last four or five times at
least.
I can't look right at the man.
(15:48):
Obviously my imagination goeswild and I wonder what kind of
twisted or a boar's trail I'vefound myself on.
I fear it's me, but I have noevidence and I could just look.
But it's almost like I'd rathernot know.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Visions like that can mean many things, Jeb, and
don't worry, they're notuncommon.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Visions, huh, so I'm just dreaming it.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Well, that's the simplest explanation which, off
times, I've found is the correctexplanation.
Speaker 4 (16:20):
Well, here's the finale to my tale, doc, and the
reason I'm here to visit nowafter all these years.
It was not.
There was a beat-up old greenpickup lodged in a tree off the
driveway, beer cans andmoonshine bottles on the ground
leading up to the cabin, a sceneI remember quite vividly as a
(16:42):
youngin.
I don't really feel likegetting into the details of the
night.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I understand Whatever you're comfortable with Chep.
Speaker 4 (16:49):
Well, as a child, the last time I saw that cabin that
has returned to me in thesevisions, a man broke in, scared
off my father with a machete,took me into the woods.
Now, this was quite a while ago, mind you.
I was never quite sure how itwent down.
Memory is the strangest thing,especially old memories filled
(17:12):
with emotion.
But that man led me through thewoods and said to go on ahead
when town was inside.
That's how I came to residehere in Tritown.
I don't remember why it didn'tcome with me or what it looked
like.
Now I didn't have my machete onme the night when I saw that
green pickup.
I wished I did, and I think I'mgoing to start carrying that
(17:36):
particular instrument with memore often in case the endless
trail rears its ugly head again.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
That was the statement of Park Ranger Jeb
Marshall regarding safetyarticle 00314, the Endless Trail
.
He is not the first or onlyindividual to have reported this
occurrence around the PineBridge Dam, but thankfully he
was willing to share hisexperience so that we can help
keep Tritown safe.
What's the lesson here?
(18:12):
Don't be out after dark Tritown, and if you must be, don't
wander.
If you still find yourself onan endless trail, keep your head
down.
Watch your feet.
Do not look to the left orright.
Just keep walking.
Do not try to turn back.
You'll come out eventually.
(18:32):
Just don't look at the lights.
This has been Taking SafetySeriously.
I'm Dr Daniel Leeds.
Thank you to Everything Mattersfor having me.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Greetings, dear listeners.
I'm Dale Dallas and I'membarking on a mission to
unravel the sacred, hidden pastof Tritown.
Our city holds a secret pastshrouded in darkness.
The legend has it that thethree neighboring municipalities
that formed Tritown hide anintricate web of historical
(19:14):
mysteries.
Among these hushed legends arewhispers of a hidden treasure
concealed within the depths ofTritown's oldest swamplands,
where the murky waters holdsecrets to a mysterious fortune
that is a vain in treasureseekers.
For as long as anyone can recall, the Tritown moneyhole is no
ordinary place.
Its enigmatic aura hasintrigued people for years.
(19:37):
Stories of hauntings andstrange lights have only added
to its mystique.
Despite the widespread beliefthat no treasure will ever be
found, the mystery surroundingthis place only adds to its
allure.
The renowned cartographer EnochQuibbler called it the Quibble
Bog on his early maps.
However, the term the moneyholehas been used in land transfer
(20:01):
deeds since the town's founding.
Mr Ports credited the discoveryof Tritown's moneyhole as
having occurred when a group ofelderly men wandering around the
swamp stumbled upon a largecircle of standing stones.
This group uncovered the holeand, as they continued to dig,
came across logs, cobblestoneand even monolithic platforms.
(20:23):
Unknownly, they had justlaunched what would become
Tritown's longest and mostexpensive treasure hunt.
These men eventually purchasedthe surrounding land.
One of them, liam Fitzgerald,came to own a total of nine lots
, making him for a timeTritown's biggest landowner.
(20:43):
For as long as people have knownof its existence, there have
been accusations that thegentleman who discovered the
moneyhole did in fact find somekind of treasure there which
could explain their suddenprosperity.
Even in the face of suchaccusations, the hunt has never
stopped and over the years,treasure hunters have improved
their tools, upgrading fromsimple shovels and picks to more
(21:06):
advanced equipment such assteam pumps, drill bits,
bulldozers, open pit mining andstate-of-the-art technology.
Despite the constant challengesposed by flooding and cave-ins,
these hunters remain undeterredin their quest for treasure.
The persistent flooding andstrange bits of wood and clay
are strong indications that thearea is concealing an intricate
(21:29):
and elaborate system of secrettunnels, multi-layer platforms
and even caverns infested withgoblins.
Treasure hunters are convincedthat there is no doubt about the
existence of this complexnetwork.
Whoever created the moneyholewas truly remarkable.
They took off the daunting taskof digging a hole hundreds of
(21:50):
feet deep in the flint-like clayof Tritown and succeeded.
Even more impressive is theintricate system of drains they
designed and constructed,connecting the muddy hole to
lava tubes in a way that hasoutmatched countless treasure
hunters.
It's clear that this vault wasbuilt to withstand even the most
determined attempts atintrusion.
(22:11):
William Prescott and CharlesManning are the latest to have
bought the land, and theirrelentless search has led to
some truly remarkablediscoveries.
These include man-madestructures that predate the
founding of Tritown, evidence ofancient scrolls and tomes, a
huge glowing emerald and a verydisturbing marble sculpture.
(22:34):
That wraps up our segment aboutthe Tritown Muddy Hole, a unique
mystery that continues toconfound would-be treasure
hunters to this day.
Stay tuned for more intriguingstories from our town's
enigmatic past.
If you'd like to learn moreabout the Tritown Muddy Hole, I
suggest checking out these booksfrom your local library.
Only I know the truth about theMuddy Hole by Maeve O'Sullivan
(22:58):
the Muddy Hole of Tritown thestory of the world's largest
treasure hunt, my Connor Murphy.
And the Tritown Muddy HoleMystery Solved by Malcolm
Evergreen and Lindsay Nightshade.
(23:21):
This has been another broadcastof Everything Matters.
Remember, it's all real, it allmatters and it never ends.
Now word from Intern Todd.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
Thanks for listening to Everything Matters.
This is Intern Todd.
Everything Matters is a part ofthe Homebrew Network.
If you're listening from the21st century, you could really
help us grow by leaving us areview on Spotify and Apple
Podcasts.
The algorithm god Hungersgreatly and saving him can be a
full-time job, so leave us areview on Spotify and Apple.
(24:03):
If you leave a review as aresident of Tritown, without
breaking the fourth wall, daleand Mike might read your review
on the show.
Just make sure you don't giveanything away that you're from
the 21st century or that couldreally break Mike and Dale's
minds.
Yeah, links are atEverythingMattersPodcom.
(24:26):
If you're listening from the22nd and 24th century, you can
review us on Musknet in exchangefor one kudo.
25th to 29th century.
Please get off the internetimmediately.
Using the internet poses apublic safety hazard All other
centuries.
Call 1-800-MATTERS if it issafe to do so.
(24:47):
Again, that'sEverythingMattersPodcom.
Uh, hey, uh, Mike.
Um, hey, did you uh?
What's up, Dale?
Well, I uh.
So I had this egg saladsandwich in the mini fridge.
It was in a Tupperware and ithad my name on it.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
That's, that's Riveting Dale.
Thanks for the update.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
No, no no, no, no, no , it's gone, and I was just
curious if you knew whathappened to it.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Uh, no, I don't.
I have not seen an egg saladsandwich that I can recall.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Okay, I mean, if you did have some, it's totally okay
.
I just kinda would want you toask about it first.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Dale, I don't eat anything that doesn't have meat
in it.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
You know that Right but I mean it clearly had my
name on it.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Oh, we got a red light.
Dale places people.
Good morning, Tritown.
I'm Michael Tor and I'm DaleDallas, and this is Everything
Matters.
It's a chilly harvest day inPine Bridge, Moonhaven and
(01:16):
Threadington and the ghouls,ghosts and goblins are stirring
in anticipation of all hallows.
So, Wayne, Halloween.
How's your altar coming, Dale?
It's going great.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I've got a whole fistful of human teeth.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
It is time for the Tritown Bulletin Board, brought
to you by Cox Energy.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Tritown is looking for a new city warlock.
Are you up for the job, malachi?
Shadowcaster was once known asthe warlock of Tritown, but the
position has become vacant.
Shadowcaster was receiving anannual salary of 50k per year to
provide black magic and otherservices for the city Until
earlier this year, when it wasdiscovered Shadowcaster had been
(02:09):
engaging in practices foundunbecoming of the city of
Tritown.
Following the discovery ofGrossmiss conduct, the
authorities have decided toterminate the contract with
Shadowcaster.
The city is currently seeking anew warlock to take up the
position.
The decision was made with aheavy heart, as Shadowcaster was
believed to have performedremarkably well until the
(02:30):
discovery of his crimes.
Shadowcaster says, even thoughhe was removed from the position
, he will not stop.
It makes no difference.
I will continue my rituals inprivate.
He said they will have toliterally kill me to stop me.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Well, dale, perhaps it's your chance to moonlight as
Tritown's city warlock.
No, you've had your eye on thatfor a while.
Oh, I'm hardly qualified, mike.
Public service announcement.
Do not open any unaddressedletters you might find in your
mailbox, slit under your door ortaped to your bathroom mirror.
Residents report occurrences ofstrange envelopes appearing in
(03:07):
residents' homes, letters thathave no address or return
information.
Written on the envelopes arequestions such as are you alone,
are you hiding or are you cold?
We ask all residents to ensurethey do not open these and
report them to the Tritownneighborhood watch immediately.
Tritown Mailroom announcesimmediate job openings in spam
(03:30):
filtration.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Mike, I got one of those letters the other day and
it said shivered up my spine Didyou see the fireball last night
?
Experts are offering a rewardof $20,000 for the location of
the meteorite that flew overTritown.
When the highly sought-afterspace rock was shot out of the
sky, it shattered into tinypieces.
These shards were then spreadall over the region by strong
(03:53):
winds that reached up to 100miles per hour.
Scientists are interested infinding the impact site, but
also in purchasing thesefragments.
If you or a loved one isfortunate enough to find a piece
, contact us here, andeverything matters to claim your
reward.
You might wonder what to lookfor when hunting for meteorites.
Experts suggest chemicalcomposition testing is the most
(04:15):
effective way to determine whatyou've got, but here are some
clues that can point you in theright direction.
Meteorites and their shardstend to be heavy and magnetic,
with shallow pits on theirsurfaces, but not holes.
They are densely packed inside.
They can be oddly shaped andusually are smooth and not have
a scratchy exterior.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Wow, $20,000.
What is a dollar Dale?
I think there's some kind ofcurrency bank Interesting.
The arachnid Cold War rages onin Tritown but in a reversal of
previous policy, the TritownNeighborhood Watch withdraws its
request that residents go outof their way to knock down
spider webs built across publicwalkways.
(04:57):
Apparently, this demonstrationof superiority is triggering a
process of natural selection,causing spiders to evolve to
become more intelligent,reclusive and crafty.
Stay safe, tritown.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah, I can believe that, Mike.
I used to get a lot of wallspiders and then I killed them
all.
Now I just keep getting allthese floor spiders what has
three arts, eight arms and isused to make vodka.
If you guessed octopus, you arecorrect.
Octopuses are an invasivespecies that have plagued
Tritown's marine life for ages.
However, a local distilleryfinally has a solution.
(05:35):
We can all enjoy Octopus vodka.
Octopuses think they are sogreat and in high time they
learned who the apex predator isaround here, says Inkwell
Distillery's president andfounder, otto Inkwell.
The octopuses in Tritown arehighly successful as an invasive
species.
A single octopus can consumearound 40 shrimp per day.
(05:57):
Considering the significantpopulation of octopuses in the
waters of your Tritown, it'sobvious that we're going to run
out of shrimp.
According to Otto, vodka isjust the hook to get people
informed.
The real purpose of creativeprojects like this is to raise
awareness about a problem.
The more people learn about it,the higher the chances of
(06:18):
coming up with innovativesolutions.
By spreading the word, we mayinspire someone to think of an
idea that no one has everconsidered before.
What do you think?
Would you try octopus?
Speaker 2 (06:28):
vodka, mike, I'll try anything once.
It's too bad to hear about theshrimp.
I really enjoy my shrimp moose.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Yeah, I really love those shrimp cord dogs.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Shrimp everything, dale.
Tritown's sex educationcoordinator, richard Hung, would
like to remind everyone to makesure you bring protection on
any first dates.
Unfortunately, tritown has seena string of incidents that
could have been easily avoidedwith some preparation and peace
of mind.
Be responsible.
(06:59):
If you're not 100% sure who orwhat you're dating, at least
bring a knife.
It might just save your life.
I keep that strap on me, mike.
This has been the TritownBulletin Board brought to you by
Cox Energy.
You love Cox, we love Cox,everyone loves Cox.
So why can't we have more Goodnews?
(07:21):
Tritown With Powered your Homesand now we're going to power
your body Introducing Cox EnergyDrinks.
You'll be able to do anythingafter you've guzzled some Cox.
Supply is limited, so rush toyour local convenience store and
demand that they get out theirCox Energy Drinks.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
On this week's edition of Everything Matters,
we dive deep in the mysteriousmoney hole on a segment of the
Sacred Hidden Pass in Tritown,but first taking safety
seriously with Dr Daniel Leeds.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
This is Dr Daniel Leeds and another segment of
Taking Safety Seriously.
Today I will be reviewingSafety Article 00314, the
Endless Trail.
This is a statement from ParkRanger Jeb Marshall, shared, of
course, with his permission.
(08:36):
The Endless Trail is a reportedoccurrence in the southern Pine
Bridge Forest, in the trailsalong the Lethy River and
spillways that stretch to thePine Bridge Dam, and yet another
reminder that the safest choiceis always going to be stay
inside, stay safe and stay sane,but at the very least, don't be
(08:58):
out after dark.
With no further ado, this isPark Ranger Jeb Marshall.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
Well, I'll tell you all about the first time I found
myself on the endless trail.
Doc, I think that's the placeto start.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
That's perfectly acceptable, chip.
Why don't you guide thissession and tell your story, and
I'll just facilitate.
Speaker 4 (09:32):
Well, the first time I got myself lost which doesn't
happen often, mind you was whenI was after old Mrs
Wigginbottom's cat.
You see, Mrs Wigginbottom wasall riled up and in a panic.
It was getting real late andSnookum Wookums had ran off into
the treeline.
We all know not to be out afterdark and I don't know something
(09:54):
about the poor old widows.
Pleas for help just got past mybetter sense, so I ran off into
the forest.
I've always told folk that theforest has its own way of
speaking, A might different fromthe preservation park or the
mace of trails.
You really got to listen inthese pine barrens, Listen to
the whispering between theleaves, the creeks of the old
(10:16):
pines, Follow what critters arecoming and which are going.
But the first night I foundmyself there the woods were
silent, as if I'd wandered intosome sort of abyss.
I had gone into the forestarmed with my keen senses and
yet I didn't hear anything atall, let alone a cat.
Where are the critters?
(10:37):
The rustling of the leaves?
You ever heard?
Complete silence, Doc.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Describe it to me.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
Well, that's just it, I can't.
I mean, if you listen real good, you hear something, even if
it's just the wind or theambience of the regular world.
It's honestly a littleunsettling, which made my
heartbeat quicker, which, quitehonestly, was getting louder and
faster the more I took noticeof it About, when I realized how
(11:09):
well deafening the silence was.
The dark fell.
You think with all myexperience I'd have learned to
always carry a backup torch, butthere I was, surrounded by an
infinite sea of trees.
No moon, no stars, Just well thedark.
(11:31):
A sheet of dark what's so thickyou could cut it with a knife.
I could only see maybe a fewfeet in front of me, enough to
stay on the trail and watch thetrees around me.
It's odd.
I've been in these woodscountless times, but that night
was different.
The path that was once familiarseemed to vanish.
(11:53):
The landmarks I've come totrust were nowhere in sight.
I realized I was taking quite afew left turns.
I wouldn't say I had the trailmemorized, but I knew it well
enough to not recognize that.
I marked the tree after my sixor seven left, just for my
sanity.
(12:13):
But that certainly didn't help,as four left turns later I did
not see that tree.
Was I spiraling outward Himward?
I had the thought why not turnback?
But for some reason the idea ofgoing in a verse had felt… just
felt wrong Scared me.
(12:34):
I have since tried, and I cantell you, my will to do so wanes
by the second.
I get dizzy.
The trees start to bend andspin and there's… well,
something back there.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
What's that mean, Jeff?
What do you mean?
Something's back there.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
I don't know, it's hard to describe.
There's just something backthere wandering that trail and
it wouldn't be good if wecrossed paths.
The first time I was on thosetrails, time stretched well
beyond when the sun should havecome back up, but it didn't.
It's the same old darkness.
After a long time of wanderingand by long I mean long the
(13:20):
sounds rushed back, the wind hitme and sure enough I snapped
out of whatever trance or fog Iwas in.
I got just down the way withsnookum-wookums, halfway up a
pine, and the sun was justsetting.
Losing my sense of time on topof everything else was
unsettling, but I survived intraversed force.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
So that was the first time you experienced this
phenomenon, correct, Jeff?
Speaker 4 (13:48):
Yeah, that's right, Doc.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
And how many times have you been on this endless
trail since?
Speaker 4 (13:54):
Well, I'd say at least a dozen, a very in lengths
.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
And you mentioned, it's changed.
Speaker 4 (14:01):
A bit.
Yeah, the silence and thedarker are always the same.
It's always those God-forsakenleft turns.
But a couple of landmarks havedeveloped and that's kinda why I
felt the need to see you, doc.
Not something I do lightly,seeking help.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
I understand, so tell me about the sights.
Speaker 4 (14:22):
Well, the first stop is hard to describe.
The trail is all left, but tothe right I see a light, a way's
off over some hills, a cabin,as the trees thud and the path
cuts towards the cabin.
I see lights in the windows,sometimes a shadow.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
And what's in the cabin, jeff, I can't bring
myself to get that far, doc.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
The cabin is an exact replica of my childhood home
and there's a silhouette in thewindow that would've been mine,
looking off into the woods whereI grew up.
I remember as a child seeing aman in the woods looking at my
home.
He was watching me, scared meat first, but eventually it felt
as if we became acquainted Realbad diets.
(15:10):
And seeing him in the woodslooking on, watching over,
making sure everything wasalright, I feel a duty to stop
it and watch for a while, givethat shadow the same piece of
mind that man in the woods gaveme.
I'm sure that sounds a littlesilly.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Of course not.
Speaker 4 (15:28):
Well, the second side is a clearing with a twisted
blackjack oak in the center.
First time I saw that side itwas just a tree.
Second time it had a coil ofrope Progressing all the way
until I had to walk by hangingman Last four or five times at
least.
I can't look right at the man.
(15:48):
Obviously my imagination goeswild and I wonder what kind of
twisted or a boar's trail I'vefound myself on.
I fear it's me, but I have noevidence and I could just look.
But it's almost like I'd rathernot know.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Visions like that can mean many things, Jeb, and
don't worry, they're notuncommon.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Visions, huh, so I'm just dreaming it.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Well, that's the simplest explanation which, off
times, I've found is the correctexplanation.
Speaker 4 (16:20):
Well, here's the finale to my tale, doc, and the
reason I'm here to visit nowafter all these years.
It was not.
There was a beat-up old greenpickup lodged in a tree off the
driveway, beer cans andmoonshine bottles on the ground
leading up to the cabin, a sceneI remember quite vividly as a
(16:42):
youngin.
I don't really feel likegetting into the details of the
night.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I understand Whatever you're comfortable with Chep.
Speaker 4 (16:49):
Well, as a child, the last time I saw that cabin that
has returned to me in thesevisions, a man broke in, scared
off my father with a machete,took me into the woods.
Now, this was quite a while ago, mind you.
I was never quite sure how itwent down.
Memory is the strangest thing,especially old memories filled
(17:12):
with emotion.
But that man led me through thewoods and said to go on ahead
when town was inside.
That's how I came to residehere in Tritown.
I don't remember why it didn'tcome with me or what it looked
like.
Now I didn't have my machete onme the night when I saw that
green pickup.
I wished I did, and I think I'mgoing to start carrying that
(17:36):
particular instrument with memore often in case the endless
trail rears its ugly head again.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
That was the statement of Park Ranger Jeb
Marshall regarding safetyarticle 00314, the Endless Trail
.
He is not the first or onlyindividual to have reported this
occurrence around the PineBridge Dam, but thankfully he
was willing to share hisexperience so that we can help
keep Tritown safe.
What's the lesson here?
(18:12):
Don't be out after dark Tritown, and if you must be, don't
wander.
If you still find yourself onan endless trail, keep your head
down.
Watch your feet.
Do not look to the left orright.
Just keep walking.
Do not try to turn back.
You'll come out eventually.
(18:32):
Just don't look at the lights.
This has been Taking SafetySeriously.
I'm Dr Daniel Leeds.
Thank you to Everything Mattersfor having me.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Greetings, dear listeners.
I'm Dale Dallas and I'membarking on a mission to
unravel the sacred, hidden pastof Tritown.
Our city holds a secret pastshrouded in darkness.
The legend has it that thethree neighboring municipalities
that formed Tritown hide anintricate web of historical
(19:14):
mysteries.
Among these hushed legends arewhispers of a hidden treasure
concealed within the depths ofTritown's oldest swamplands,
where the murky waters holdsecrets to a mysterious fortune
that is a vain in treasureseekers.
For as long as anyone can recall, the Tritown moneyhole is no
ordinary place.
Its enigmatic aura hasintrigued people for years.
(19:37):
Stories of hauntings andstrange lights have only added
to its mystique.
Despite the widespread beliefthat no treasure will ever be
found, the mystery surroundingthis place only adds to its
allure.
The renowned cartographer EnochQuibbler called it the Quibble
Bog on his early maps.
However, the term the moneyholehas been used in land transfer
(20:01):
deeds since the town's founding.
Mr Ports credited the discoveryof Tritown's moneyhole as
having occurred when a group ofelderly men wandering around the
swamp stumbled upon a largecircle of standing stones.
This group uncovered the holeand, as they continued to dig,
came across logs, cobblestoneand even monolithic platforms.
(20:23):
Unknownly, they had justlaunched what would become
Tritown's longest and mostexpensive treasure hunt.
These men eventually purchasedthe surrounding land.
One of them, liam Fitzgerald,came to own a total of nine lots
, making him for a timeTritown's biggest landowner.
(20:43):
For as long as people have knownof its existence, there have
been accusations that thegentleman who discovered the
moneyhole did in fact find somekind of treasure there which
could explain their suddenprosperity.
Even in the face of suchaccusations, the hunt has never
stopped and over the years,treasure hunters have improved
their tools, upgrading fromsimple shovels and picks to more
(21:06):
advanced equipment such assteam pumps, drill bits,
bulldozers, open pit mining andstate-of-the-art technology.
Despite the constant challengesposed by flooding and cave-ins,
these hunters remain undeterredin their quest for treasure.
The persistent flooding andstrange bits of wood and clay
are strong indications that thearea is concealing an intricate
(21:29):
and elaborate system of secrettunnels, multi-layer platforms
and even caverns infested withgoblins.
Treasure hunters are convincedthat there is no doubt about the
existence of this complexnetwork.
Whoever created the moneyholewas truly remarkable.
They took off the daunting taskof digging a hole hundreds of
(21:50):
feet deep in the flint-like clayof Tritown and succeeded.
Even more impressive is theintricate system of drains they
designed and constructed,connecting the muddy hole to
lava tubes in a way that hasoutmatched countless treasure
hunters.
It's clear that this vault wasbuilt to withstand even the most
determined attempts atintrusion.
(22:11):
William Prescott and CharlesManning are the latest to have
bought the land, and theirrelentless search has led to
some truly remarkablediscoveries.
These include man-madestructures that predate the
founding of Tritown, evidence ofancient scrolls and tomes, a
huge glowing emerald and a verydisturbing marble sculpture.
(22:34):
That wraps up our segment aboutthe Tritown Muddy Hole, a unique
mystery that continues toconfound would-be treasure
hunters to this day.
Stay tuned for more intriguingstories from our town's
enigmatic past.
If you'd like to learn moreabout the Tritown Muddy Hole, I
suggest checking out these booksfrom your local library.
Only I know the truth about theMuddy Hole by Maeve O'Sullivan
(22:58):
the Muddy Hole of Tritown thestory of the world's largest
treasure hunt, my Connor Murphy.
And the Tritown Muddy HoleMystery Solved by Malcolm
Evergreen and Lindsay Nightshade.
(23:21):
This has been another broadcastof Everything Matters.
Remember, it's all real, it allmatters and it never ends.
Now word from Intern Todd.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
Thanks for listening to Everything Matters.
This is Intern Todd.
Everything Matters is a part ofthe Homebrew Network.
If you're listening from the21st century, you could really
help us grow by leaving us areview on Spotify and Apple
Podcasts.
The algorithm god Hungersgreatly and saving him can be a
full-time job, so leave us areview on Spotify and Apple.
(24:03):
If you leave a review as aresident of Tritown, without
breaking the fourth wall, daleand Mike might read your review
on the show.
Just make sure you don't giveanything away that you're from
the 21st century or that couldreally break Mike and Dale's
minds.
Yeah, links are atEverythingMattersPodcom.
(24:26):
If you're listening from the22nd and 24th century, you can
review us on Musknet in exchangefor one kudo.
25th to 29th century.
Please get off the internetimmediately.
Using the internet poses apublic safety hazard All other
centuries.
Call 1-800-MATTERS if it issafe to do so.
(24:47):
Again, that'sEverythingMattersPodcom.
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