February 11, 2025 • 29 mins
🎧 Episode 154: Finding Light in Darkness: A Journey Through Grief and Hope with Kelci Jager
In this deeply moving episode, I sit down with Kelci Jager, author of "A Million Miracles: And The One That Never Came," certified life coach, grief coach, and registered nurse. After losing her beloved husband Collin to leukemia at age 40 following an 18-month battle, Kelci shares her powerful journey of transformation and healing while raising their four sons.
We explore:
- Life before tragedy - the beautiful foundation
- Navigating multiple family crises during the pandemic
- The journey from critical care nurse to grief expert
- Understanding grief in a grief-illiterate society
- The power of hope in the darkest moments
- Breaking through societal misconceptions about grief
- Finding light when everything seems dark
- The story behind her powerful memoir
🔑 Key takeaways:
- Grief doesn't move in linear stages - it becomes part of who you are
- There's no right or wrong way to grieve - each journey is unique
- Hope serves as a crucial lifeline during times of crisis
- Looking for light in darkness is a survival skill
- Society's attempt to "fix" grief often creates disconnection
- Professional experience with grief differs vastly from personal experience
💡 Quotes to remember: "No matter how dark your world looks, there is always light to be found. Always." - Kelci Jager
"Grief becomes part of you when you experience a loss, when you experience trauma. It doesn't define you, but it becomes part of you." - Kelci Jager
"You wouldn't have been able to do the things that were required of you that nobody should ever be required to do without hope." - Kelci Jager
🌟 Featured Insights:
- The transformation of hope from a nice-to-have to a lifeline
- How masking grief impacts the healing journey
- The importance of sitting with grief rather than trying to fix it
- The power of choosing how to respond to tragedy
- The unexpected way her book came to be written
📚 Resources:
- Learn more about Kelci's work: https://risewithgrief.com/
- Purchase "A Million Miracles: And The One That Never Came": https://www.amazon.com/dp/1068683848?ref=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cp_ud_dp_ASNZCGKXT9HMDAHJ6P1F
A rising tide raises all ships, and I invite you along on this journey to Evoke Greatness!
Check out my website: www.evokegreatness.com
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Evoke Greatness.
We are officially entering yearthree of this podcast and I am
filled with so much gratitudefor each and every one of you
who've joined me on thisincredible journey of growth and
self-discovery.
I'm Sunny, your host and fellowtraveler on this path of
personal evolution.
This podcast is a sanctuary forthe curious, the ambitious and
(00:28):
the introspective.
It's for those of you who, likeme, are captivated by the
champion mindset and driven byan insatiable hunger for growth
and knowledge.
Whether you're just beginningyour journey or you're well
along your path, you're going tofind stories here that resonate
with your experiences andaspirations.
Over the last two years, we'veshared countless stories of
triumph and challenge, ofresilience and transformation.
(00:51):
We've laughed, we've reflectedand we've grown together.
And as we've evolved, so toohas this podcast.
Remember, no matter whatchapter you're on in your own
story, you belong here.
This community we've builttogether is a place of support,
inspiration and shared growth.
Where intention goes, energyflows, and the energy you bring
(01:13):
to this space elevates us all.
So, whether you're listeningwhile commuting, working out or
enjoying your morning coffee,perhaps from one of those
motivational mugs I'm so fond of, know that you're a part of
something special.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your curiosity,your openness and your
commitment to personal growth.
As we embark on year three, Iinvite you to lean in, to listen
(01:36):
deeply and to let these storiesresonate with your soul.
I believe that a rising tideraises all ships and I invite
you along in this journey toevoke greatness.
Welcome back to another episodeof Evoke Greatness.
(02:01):
Today's guest is a guiding forcefor those navigating life's
darkest waters.
As a certified life coach, griefcoach and registered nurse,
kelsey Jager brings bothprofessional expertise and
profound personal experience toher work, supporting those
experiencing loss.
After the devastating loss ofher husband, colin, to leukemia
at age 40, kelsey found herselfnavigating the depths of grief,
(02:24):
while raising four childrenalone.
For her own journey frombrokenness to healing, she
discovered her life's callinghelping others, transform their
grief and reclaim their joy.
Her powerful memoir A MillionMiracles and the One that Never
Came resonates deeply with thosefacing loss, while her work as
a grief coach has touchedthousands who felt stuck in
(02:46):
their pain.
What sets Kelsey apart is herunique combination of
professional training and livedexperience as a widow and a solo
parent, allowing her to guideothers with both expertise and
deep empathy For her work withindividuals and organizations.
Kelsey's helped countlessothers find their way forward
when it seemed impossible.
Her approach embraces the rawreality of grief and the
(03:08):
possibility of healing, teachingothers how to view their
memories through lenses ofgratitude and love.
Today, kelsey joins us to shareinsights on navigating loss,
finding purpose through pain andawakening to life's deeper
meanings.
Kelsey, welcome, thank you somuch for being here.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Thank you, Sunny, and thank you for that intro.
That was wonderful.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Oh good.
Well, I always like to get alittle bit of a backstory and I
think there's so much to thisbackstory.
So I think, even as we get intothat point where your life with
Colin drastically changed, whatwas life like leading up?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
to that Life was really beautiful.
We kind of you know wedefinitely didn't have a perfect
life, but all our boxes werechecked.
We had a beautiful, beautifulmarriage.
We were each other's bestfriends, we were business
(04:10):
partners, we were really, reallyjust.
He was the ying to my yang Iknow that's like so corny, but
like we just really were theperfect match and we had, or we
have, four sons and we just.
(04:31):
Life was amazing.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
And then you hit that moment where things changed.
There was that moment where hewas diagnosed.
That led you on a journey youprobably none of you probably
thought you or anticipated inlife that you would go on.
Can you walk us through alittle bit about that and then,
at the tail end of that,reflecting back, what do you
(04:57):
wish that people understoodabout those early days around,
that profound loss one may gothrough?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Well, I got to back up a little bit to lead into the
diagnosis.
We had recently relocated ourfamily from Southern California
to Florida.
And then COVID happened and wewere, you know, navigating that
(05:32):
just like everybody else.
It was challenging.
And then, in August of 2020,our two oldest sons were in a
motor vehicle accident and, as aresult of that accident, my
kids were both rushed to theemergency room.
And our second oldest son, lucahe had road rash up and down
(05:58):
his body, he had broken bones.
He was severely injured andbones.
He was severely injured.
He was rushed off to surgery.
And our oldest son, ian, wasalso in the accident and he had
(06:19):
hit his head.
So, of course, the doctorordered a head CT scan to see
what was going on, make surethere wasn't serious injuries,
and it was during that scan thatthey found a two-inch brain
tumor that we had no idea.
He had zero symptoms.
(06:39):
So here I am, if you canimagine.
So here I am, if you canimagine, just completely kind
(07:05):
into a tailspin.
I was like what is going on?
Like I was so confused.
You know, tragedy was somethingthat I always had a front row
seat to as an RN, as a criticalcare RN working in the Peds ICU
(07:26):
and I always had so muchcompassion and empathy for these
families that were experiencingtragedy, but it always happened
to other people until I becamethe other people and it was like
everything was going in slowmotion and, um, it was really
(07:49):
trying, trying time, thankfully,and the neurosurgeon we had one
of the best neurosurgeons inthe country.
Fortunately, he was able towork on our son and he was able
to remove the entire tumor andthe tumor was benign, so he has
(08:11):
recovered from that.
Today he still has to get MRIsevery six months because it can
return and it can return ascancer.
Our son, luca, who was rushedoff to surgery.
He had multiple surgeries afterthis accident for the following
months, lots of rehab for bothof the boys, lots of physical
(08:34):
therapy.
It was nuts, but we got throughthat.
It was the end of 2020.
And we're just like let's closethe door to 2020.
This year has been insane andon January 2nd of 2021 is when
(08:54):
my husband ended up in theemergency room.
Of 2021 is when my husbandended up in the emergency room
and he didn't come home for sixweeks after that admission,
after that visit to theemergency room and after about a
week of extensive testing, theydiscovered that he had an
aggressive form of leukemia,acute lymphoblastic leukemia.
(09:16):
So this is coming on the heelsof the trauma of my boy's
accident, my son's brain tumor,luca's still having surgeries as
this diagnosis is happening,happening and I am not okay.
(09:37):
I completely was broken in everysense of the word.
I had never, ever, ever, everbeen in such a dark place.
I had always prided myself onbeing capable and resilient and
strong and I can face challengeshead on and I'll figure it out.
(10:00):
I didn't know how to figurethis out and I didn't know how I
was going to survive.
And if I continued in the placethat I was in, in that dark
place, that pity party, if youwill, which I was completely
(10:23):
valid in throwing myself a pityparty If I had stayed there, I
would not have survived thethings that I survived.
My kids would have lost mealong with their dad.
So back to your question.
I know that was like a longwinded way to get to your
(10:46):
question.
Those early, early days are,like I said, just so
overwhelmingly confusing,suffocating, I mean there really
are no words to describe whatit feels like when your entire
(11:08):
world has been shattered and youfeel completely helpless,
helpless and hopeless to doanything about it.
What I wish I had known, andwhat I wish people would know,
is that, no matter how dark yourworld looks, there is always
(11:32):
light to be found always andthat is how I got out of, that's
how I survived is I had lost myanchor.
My world had been shattered.
It was no longer safe.
I was no longer had thisillusion of control.
(12:04):
I was angry with God, like howcould you let this happen to our
family?
We're good people.
Why aren't you helping us?
Why aren't you healing myhusband?
We have the faith for you toheal him.
Why aren't you doing it?
And when I felt like the windowsof heaven were silent and I
didn't have my husband as mypartner to lean on because he
(12:27):
was fighting for his life, I hadno anchor.
So I just felt like I wasfalling in this dark abyss and I
just was grasping for anythingand everything and it was just
like sand going through my hands.
Nothing was slowing me downuntil I started to look for the
(12:49):
light.
And I had to look very, veryhard in those early days for the
light because the darkness wasso vast.
But the light was there and Iwould hold on to those glimmers
of light, like my life dependedon it because it did, and I
(13:12):
would hold on to one until I sawanother one, and then I would
hold on to that one.
And that is how I began tocrawl out of the darkness.
And, to be honest with you, itwas really hard to see the light
in the beginning, but the moreI looked, the more I saw, and
(13:35):
the more I saw, the easier itbecame, you've talked about
being surrounded by people whotalked about you being so strong
, and yet you're feeling insidecompletely broken.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
How did this disconnect between others'
perceptions or observations ofyour experience, of your reality
?
Really, how did that affectyour grief journey?
Speaker 2 (13:57):
um, there is.
We live in a grief illiteratesociety, and grief makes those
around us uncomfortable.
It no one likes to see anotherperson in pain.
No one likes to see anotherperson sad.
So what we do, we try to fix itfor them.
(14:17):
We layer on unhelpfulplatitudes you need to do this,
you need to do that.
We try to fix something thatisn't fixable.
And so when I put on this maskof I'm strong, I'm capable, I'm
(14:39):
resilient, I was praised.
You're so strong, you're soamazing.
That felt good, but it didn'tfeel good to hide my grief.
It didn't feel good to pretendgrief.
(15:04):
It didn't feel good to pretendI didn't need people to tell me
and praise me for masking whatwas really happening.
I needed people to sit with meand to let me know that I wasn't
alone.
Know that I wasn't alone anddon't get me wrong I had so many
people do that for me.
(15:24):
I was, I was and still am soblessed with an amazing support
system, and those people thatdid tell me I was strong and did
you know, kind of encourage meto wear this mask no fault of
their own.
I did the same thing before aswell, but when you know better,
(15:44):
you do better.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Right as a registered nurse and that lens that you
viewed the world with being inpediatric ICU, who then
experienced a deep personal loss.
How did your professionalbackground and that training
influence your approach aroundgrief support and the gaps that
(16:08):
you started to recognize intraditional grief counseling?
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Pediatric ICU, we see a lot of tragedy, a lot of
heartbreak With kids.
You know it just hits you.
It hits you harder.
They're innocent and you knowit's just so unfair.
And you also, you don't justhave the child as your patient,
(16:37):
the family is also your patient.
And so I had dealt with a lot ofgrief in that way from the
professional aspect.
But when it was me that wasexperiencing grief, I realized
(17:01):
pretty much everything I thoughtI knew about grief was wrong
and pretty much everything thatsociety tells us is inaccurate.
And that was hard, because Ithought I was doing grief wrong,
(17:23):
I thought there was somethingwrong with me, when in reality
there's no right or wrong way togrieve.
It's a universal experience.
If you're human, you willexperience grief.
Grief is a natural response toloss.
But we all, our journey ingrief is all unique and um, I
(17:44):
had to figure that out on my ownin my own experience.
I thought I was.
You know, oh, I'm in this stagenow.
Well, there's no stages, youdon't.
You don't, grief doesn't movein a linear fashion and a linear
progression.
And then you reach acceptanceand all of a sudden you're done.
Oh, I can close the door now,I'm all better.
(18:04):
No, that's not how it works.
Grief becomes part of you whenyou experience a loss, when you
experience trauma.
It's part of your life.
It doesn't define you, but itbecomes part of you and you get
(18:24):
to decide where you go fromthere.
You know there's a lot ofthings out of our control, but
the one thing that is in yourcontrol is how you respond, how
you are going to move forwardwith this.
Are you going to let it breakyou?
Are you going to let it makeyou better?
(18:45):
Are you going to allow it tomake you better?
The choice is yours you throughthis journey.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
You wrote your book A Million Miracles and the One
that Never Came wrote your bookA Million Miracles and the One
that Never Came.
The title in itself justpierces the heart in that you
explore your journey, of thatcomplex journey of hope but also
of disappointment.
Could you share how yourrelationship with hope evolved
(19:16):
throughout Colin's illness andafter his passing I say that you
, in order to survive what weexperienced, we had to have hope
.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
And I tell my clients this you know I'll have clients
that will say to me that wholost a loved one from you know a
terminal illness or a longbattle with sickness, and
they'll say I didn't see it,like they were so sick and I
(19:51):
didn't see it.
I refused to acknowledge thatthey were dying, to acknowledge
that they were dying.
And I always tell them youcouldn't have survived what you
survived if you didn't have thathope that on the other side
everything was going to be okayand that they were going to come
(20:16):
through, beat this and comethrough the other side.
You wouldn't have been able todo the things that were required
of you, that nobody should everbe required to do.
And so my relationship withhope became it changed from kind
(20:36):
of like this, oh, like it's,it's nice to have, like I hope
that you know, I, I get this, orI hope that this, you know,
whatever dream comes true, orthere's so many like hoping a
lifeline.
My hope was my lifeline andafter my husband died, I still
(21:04):
had hope, and it was hope thathe was going to still be close
by us, that hope that we weregoing to be okay.
Hope that we were going to beable to figure out this new
world that looks completelydifferent.
Hope, and I didn't know how todo that.
(21:25):
I didn't know for sure that wewere going to be okay.
I hoped we were, but I didn'tknow.
And that hope is what helps youhave courage to continue moving
forward in the face of fear.
What are the couple of?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
things that stand out to you when you think about
this book that you really hopepeople receive.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
The most from it, this book I'm going to be honest
with you, I did not want towrite it.
I wrote it kicking andscreaming.
Honest with you, I did not wantto write it.
I wrote it kicking andscreaming.
So when my husband Colin wasfirst diagnosed with leukemia,
he was in the hospital for sixweeks, that first stent, and he
(22:12):
came home after the first roundof chemo and he was in liver
failure because of the chemo andthey couldn't give him any more
and so they sent him home, notreally knowing which way he was
(22:33):
going to go.
Was the liver going to healitself and get better and then
they would be able to continuewith the treatments.
Did that chemo work?
Did it affect the leukemia atall?
We really didn't know.
So he kind of just came homeand we were just waiting to see
(22:56):
what was going to happen.
And we were just waiting to seewhat was going to happen.
So when he came home that firsttime after those six weeks and
he was in liver failure, he wasvery, very sick and they let him
come home because, number one,he was begging them.
Number two, they knew that Icould handle him at home and
(23:22):
that I would bring him back, Iwould know which things to look
for and I would bring him backif I saw any signs.
And I also promised to come tobring him in every day for labs.
So they let him come home likekind of reluctantly, but
nonetheless he came home and hetold me it was the second.
I think it was the first orsecond night he was home.
(23:43):
He told me that I was going towrite a book about our family
story and about this cancerjourney.
And I looked at him like he wasnuts and I'm thinking okay,
you're in liver failure, likeyour brains, the toxins are
getting to your brain.
Like you're not me, you're sick.
(24:05):
Like you're not making anysense.
And I was just like, okay, aha,you know.
And he wouldn't let up.
He would bring it up every week, every couple of days, for the
entire time he was sick.
He would bring up the book.
Have you started thinking aboutwhat title you're going to make
(24:27):
the book?
I'd be like I don't know whatyou're saying about this book
because, number one, I'm notgetting the same feeling.
Number two, I don't want towrite a book.
I'm not getting the samefeeling.
Number two, I don't want towrite a book.
And number three, who wants tohear about your cancer from my
perspective.
I'm not the one that has cancerand he would just, he had the
(24:52):
best, most warm, like light upthe room smile and he would just
flash his giant smile at me andsay you don't know it yet, but
you're going to write, you'regoing to write a book about this
and it's going to help lots andlots of people.
And I would just kind of likeplacate him and be like, okay,
(25:17):
so fast forward to 18 monthslater when he passed away and,
um, I was on the trails throughthe forest by our house, trails
that we had frequent, trailsthat we had frequent, we had
frequented together, and I wasby myself, just, you know,
(25:51):
feeling this huge ache of hisabsence.
And I was talking to him as Iwas going through the trails,
not about the book.
I hadn't thought about the bookand he wasn't there to bring it
up to me.
So I hadn't thought about thebook at all and, clear as day
into my mind, the words came.
The title of the book is AMillion Miracles and the one
that never came.
And when that happened I meantelling you about it now I'm
(26:20):
still like almost at a loss forwords.
It hit me with a force.
I'd finally heard the call thathe had heard a year and a half
before that.
I was supposed to write thisbook and when I heard the title
(26:41):
of the book, I knew exactly whatI was going to write and I knew
exactly what the book was goingto be about.
And it was almost like thiswhole space just opened up in my
mind and I just saw it all soclearly and I said out loud okay
(27:03):
, colin, I guess I'm going towrite a book and it took me two
years, over two years, tofinally get that book published.
But the book is now publishedand you know I say that I wrote
it kicking and screaming becauseI did.
But now, on the other side ofit, I'm so glad I wrote this
(27:28):
book because it really is sobeautiful and the feedback that
I have gotten so far has justbeen so amazing and it just
fills me up with this joy thatis better than happiness.
It's this peace and just thispurpose that I really can't
(27:56):
explain how much it fills mysoul.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Okay, y'all, this is where I hit the pause button.
I hope that you have really,really enjoyed and learned
through part one of this episodewith my guest, Kelsey Jager.
I hope you come back next weekas we continue to explore so
much more.
We talk about the uniquechallenges of parenting while
grieving, how children processgrief differently than adults do
(28:25):
.
We dive deep in understandingsilent grievers, the children
who hide their grief deep inside, and the evolution from
personal healing to professionalcalling for Kelsey.
I hope to see you all back nextweek for part two.
Thank you so much for listeningand for being here on this
(28:48):
journey with me.
I hope you'll stick around Ifyou liked this episode.
It would mean the world for meif you would rate and review the
podcast or share it withsomeone you know.
Many need to hear this message.
I love to hear from you all andwant you to know that you can
leave me a voicemail directly.
If you go to my website,evokegreatnesscom, and go to the
Contact Me tab, you'll just hitthe big old orange button and
record your message.
(29:08):
I love the feedback andcomments that I've been getting,
so please keep them coming.
I'll leave you with the wisewords of author Robin Sharma
Greatness comes by doing a fewsmall and smart things each and
every day.
It comes from taking littlesteps consistently.
It comes from making a fewsmall chips against everything
(29:30):
in your professional andpersonal life that is ordinary,
so that a day eventually arriveswhen all that's left is the
extraordinary.
Welcome to Evoke Greatness.
We are officially entering yearthree of this podcast and I am
filled with so much gratitudefor each and every one of you
who've joined me on thisincredible journey of growth and
self-discovery.
I'm Sunny, your host and fellowtraveler on this path of
personal evolution.
This podcast is a sanctuary forthe curious, the ambitious and
(00:28):
the introspective.
It's for those of you who, likeme, are captivated by the
champion mindset and driven byan insatiable hunger for growth
and knowledge.
Whether you're just beginningyour journey or you're well
along your path, you're going tofind stories here that resonate
with your experiences andaspirations.
Over the last two years, we'veshared countless stories of
triumph and challenge, ofresilience and transformation.
(00:51):
We've laughed, we've reflectedand we've grown together.
And as we've evolved, so toohas this podcast.
Remember, no matter whatchapter you're on in your own
story, you belong here.
This community we've builttogether is a place of support,
inspiration and shared growth.
Where intention goes, energyflows, and the energy you bring
(01:13):
to this space elevates us all.
So, whether you're listeningwhile commuting, working out or
enjoying your morning coffee,perhaps from one of those
motivational mugs I'm so fond of, know that you're a part of
something special.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your curiosity,your openness and your
commitment to personal growth.
As we embark on year three, Iinvite you to lean in, to listen
(01:36):
deeply and to let these storiesresonate with your soul.
I believe that a rising tideraises all ships and I invite
you along in this journey toevoke greatness.
Welcome back to another episodeof Evoke Greatness.
(02:01):
Today's guest is a guiding forcefor those navigating life's
darkest waters.
As a certified life coach, griefcoach and registered nurse,
kelsey Jager brings bothprofessional expertise and
profound personal experience toher work, supporting those
experiencing loss.
After the devastating loss ofher husband, colin, to leukemia
at age 40, kelsey found herselfnavigating the depths of grief,
(02:24):
while raising four childrenalone.
For her own journey frombrokenness to healing, she
discovered her life's callinghelping others, transform their
grief and reclaim their joy.
Her powerful memoir A MillionMiracles and the One that Never
Came resonates deeply with thosefacing loss, while her work as
a grief coach has touchedthousands who felt stuck in
(02:46):
their pain.
What sets Kelsey apart is herunique combination of
professional training and livedexperience as a widow and a solo
parent, allowing her to guideothers with both expertise and
deep empathy For her work withindividuals and organizations.
Kelsey's helped countlessothers find their way forward
when it seemed impossible.
Her approach embraces the rawreality of grief and the
(03:08):
possibility of healing, teachingothers how to view their
memories through lenses ofgratitude and love.
Today, kelsey joins us to shareinsights on navigating loss,
finding purpose through pain andawakening to life's deeper
meanings.
Kelsey, welcome, thank you somuch for being here.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Thank you, Sunny, and thank you for that intro.
That was wonderful.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Oh good.
Well, I always like to get alittle bit of a backstory and I
think there's so much to thisbackstory.
So I think, even as we get intothat point where your life with
Colin drastically changed, whatwas life like leading up?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
to that Life was really beautiful.
We kind of you know wedefinitely didn't have a perfect
life, but all our boxes werechecked.
We had a beautiful, beautifulmarriage.
We were each other's bestfriends, we were business
(04:10):
partners, we were really, reallyjust.
He was the ying to my yang Iknow that's like so corny, but
like we just really were theperfect match and we had, or we
have, four sons and we just.
(04:31):
Life was amazing.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
And then you hit that moment where things changed.
There was that moment where hewas diagnosed.
That led you on a journey youprobably none of you probably
thought you or anticipated inlife that you would go on.
Can you walk us through alittle bit about that and then,
at the tail end of that,reflecting back, what do you
(04:57):
wish that people understoodabout those early days around,
that profound loss one may gothrough?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Well, I got to back up a little bit to lead into the
diagnosis.
We had recently relocated ourfamily from Southern California
to Florida.
And then COVID happened and wewere, you know, navigating that
(05:32):
just like everybody else.
It was challenging.
And then, in August of 2020,our two oldest sons were in a
motor vehicle accident and, as aresult of that accident, my
kids were both rushed to theemergency room.
And our second oldest son, lucahe had road rash up and down
(05:58):
his body, he had broken bones.
He was severely injured andbones.
He was severely injured.
He was rushed off to surgery.
And our oldest son, ian, wasalso in the accident and he had
(06:19):
hit his head.
So, of course, the doctorordered a head CT scan to see
what was going on, make surethere wasn't serious injuries,
and it was during that scan thatthey found a two-inch brain
tumor that we had no idea.
He had zero symptoms.
(06:39):
So here I am, if you canimagine.
So here I am, if you canimagine, just completely kind
(07:05):
into a tailspin.
I was like what is going on?
Like I was so confused.
You know, tragedy was somethingthat I always had a front row
seat to as an RN, as a criticalcare RN working in the Peds ICU
(07:26):
and I always had so muchcompassion and empathy for these
families that were experiencingtragedy, but it always happened
to other people until I becamethe other people and it was like
everything was going in slowmotion and, um, it was really
(07:49):
trying, trying time, thankfully,and the neurosurgeon we had one
of the best neurosurgeons inthe country.
Fortunately, he was able towork on our son and he was able
to remove the entire tumor andthe tumor was benign, so he has
(08:11):
recovered from that.
Today he still has to get MRIsevery six months because it can
return and it can return ascancer.
Our son, luca, who was rushedoff to surgery.
He had multiple surgeries afterthis accident for the following
months, lots of rehab for bothof the boys, lots of physical
(08:34):
therapy.
It was nuts, but we got throughthat.
It was the end of 2020.
And we're just like let's closethe door to 2020.
This year has been insane andon January 2nd of 2021 is when
(08:54):
my husband ended up in theemergency room.
Of 2021 is when my husbandended up in the emergency room
and he didn't come home for sixweeks after that admission,
after that visit to theemergency room and after about a
week of extensive testing, theydiscovered that he had an
aggressive form of leukemia,acute lymphoblastic leukemia.
(09:16):
So this is coming on the heelsof the trauma of my boy's
accident, my son's brain tumor,luca's still having surgeries as
this diagnosis is happening,happening and I am not okay.
(09:37):
I completely was broken in everysense of the word.
I had never, ever, ever, everbeen in such a dark place.
I had always prided myself onbeing capable and resilient and
strong and I can face challengeshead on and I'll figure it out.
(10:00):
I didn't know how to figurethis out and I didn't know how I
was going to survive.
And if I continued in the placethat I was in, in that dark
place, that pity party, if youwill, which I was completely
(10:23):
valid in throwing myself a pityparty If I had stayed there, I
would not have survived thethings that I survived.
My kids would have lost mealong with their dad.
So back to your question.
I know that was like a longwinded way to get to your
(10:46):
question.
Those early, early days are,like I said, just so
overwhelmingly confusing,suffocating, I mean there really
are no words to describe whatit feels like when your entire
(11:08):
world has been shattered and youfeel completely helpless,
helpless and hopeless to doanything about it.
What I wish I had known, andwhat I wish people would know,
is that, no matter how dark yourworld looks, there is always
(11:32):
light to be found always andthat is how I got out of, that's
how I survived is I had lost myanchor.
My world had been shattered.
It was no longer safe.
I was no longer had thisillusion of control.
(12:04):
I was angry with God, like howcould you let this happen to our
family?
We're good people.
Why aren't you helping us?
Why aren't you healing myhusband?
We have the faith for you toheal him.
Why aren't you doing it?
And when I felt like the windowsof heaven were silent and I
didn't have my husband as mypartner to lean on because he
(12:27):
was fighting for his life, I hadno anchor.
So I just felt like I wasfalling in this dark abyss and I
just was grasping for anythingand everything and it was just
like sand going through my hands.
Nothing was slowing me downuntil I started to look for the
(12:49):
light.
And I had to look very, veryhard in those early days for the
light because the darkness wasso vast.
But the light was there and Iwould hold on to those glimmers
of light, like my life dependedon it because it did, and I
(13:12):
would hold on to one until I sawanother one, and then I would
hold on to that one.
And that is how I began tocrawl out of the darkness.
And, to be honest with you, itwas really hard to see the light
in the beginning, but the moreI looked, the more I saw, and
(13:35):
the more I saw, the easier itbecame, you've talked about
being surrounded by people whotalked about you being so strong
, and yet you're feeling insidecompletely broken.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
How did this disconnect between others'
perceptions or observations ofyour experience, of your reality
?
Really, how did that affectyour grief journey?
Speaker 2 (13:57):
um, there is.
We live in a grief illiteratesociety, and grief makes those
around us uncomfortable.
It no one likes to see anotherperson in pain.
No one likes to see anotherperson sad.
So what we do, we try to fix itfor them.
(14:17):
We layer on unhelpfulplatitudes you need to do this,
you need to do that.
We try to fix something thatisn't fixable.
And so when I put on this maskof I'm strong, I'm capable, I'm
(14:39):
resilient, I was praised.
You're so strong, you're soamazing.
That felt good, but it didn'tfeel good to hide my grief.
It didn't feel good to pretendgrief.
(15:04):
It didn't feel good to pretendI didn't need people to tell me
and praise me for masking whatwas really happening.
I needed people to sit with meand to let me know that I wasn't
alone.
Know that I wasn't alone anddon't get me wrong I had so many
people do that for me.
(15:24):
I was, I was and still am soblessed with an amazing support
system, and those people thatdid tell me I was strong and did
you know, kind of encourage meto wear this mask no fault of
their own.
I did the same thing before aswell, but when you know better,
(15:44):
you do better.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Right as a registered nurse and that lens that you
viewed the world with being inpediatric ICU, who then
experienced a deep personal loss.
How did your professionalbackground and that training
influence your approach aroundgrief support and the gaps that
(16:08):
you started to recognize intraditional grief counseling?
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Pediatric ICU, we see a lot of tragedy, a lot of
heartbreak With kids.
You know it just hits you.
It hits you harder.
They're innocent and you knowit's just so unfair.
And you also, you don't justhave the child as your patient,
(16:37):
the family is also your patient.
And so I had dealt with a lot ofgrief in that way from the
professional aspect.
But when it was me that wasexperiencing grief, I realized
(17:01):
pretty much everything I thoughtI knew about grief was wrong
and pretty much everything thatsociety tells us is inaccurate.
And that was hard, because Ithought I was doing grief wrong,
(17:23):
I thought there was somethingwrong with me, when in reality
there's no right or wrong way togrieve.
It's a universal experience.
If you're human, you willexperience grief.
Grief is a natural response toloss.
But we all, our journey ingrief is all unique and um, I
(17:44):
had to figure that out on my ownin my own experience.
I thought I was.
You know, oh, I'm in this stagenow.
Well, there's no stages, youdon't.
You don't, grief doesn't movein a linear fashion and a linear
progression.
And then you reach acceptanceand all of a sudden you're done.
Oh, I can close the door now,I'm all better.
(18:04):
No, that's not how it works.
Grief becomes part of you whenyou experience a loss, when you
experience trauma.
It's part of your life.
It doesn't define you, but itbecomes part of you and you get
(18:24):
to decide where you go fromthere.
You know there's a lot ofthings out of our control, but
the one thing that is in yourcontrol is how you respond, how
you are going to move forwardwith this.
Are you going to let it breakyou?
Are you going to let it makeyou better?
(18:45):
Are you going to allow it tomake you better?
The choice is yours you throughthis journey.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
You wrote your book A Million Miracles and the One
that Never Came wrote your bookA Million Miracles and the One
that Never Came.
The title in itself justpierces the heart in that you
explore your journey, of thatcomplex journey of hope but also
of disappointment.
Could you share how yourrelationship with hope evolved
(19:16):
throughout Colin's illness andafter his passing I say that you
, in order to survive what weexperienced, we had to have hope
.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
And I tell my clients this you know I'll have clients
that will say to me that wholost a loved one from you know a
terminal illness or a longbattle with sickness, and
they'll say I didn't see it,like they were so sick and I
(19:51):
didn't see it.
I refused to acknowledge thatthey were dying, to acknowledge
that they were dying.
And I always tell them youcouldn't have survived what you
survived if you didn't have thathope that on the other side
everything was going to be okayand that they were going to come
(20:16):
through, beat this and comethrough the other side.
You wouldn't have been able todo the things that were required
of you, that nobody should everbe required to do.
And so my relationship withhope became it changed from kind
(20:36):
of like this, oh, like it's,it's nice to have, like I hope
that you know, I, I get this, orI hope that this, you know,
whatever dream comes true, orthere's so many like hoping a
lifeline.
My hope was my lifeline andafter my husband died, I still
(21:04):
had hope, and it was hope thathe was going to still be close
by us, that hope that we weregoing to be okay.
Hope that we were going to beable to figure out this new
world that looks completelydifferent.
Hope, and I didn't know how todo that.
(21:25):
I didn't know for sure that wewere going to be okay.
I hoped we were, but I didn'tknow.
And that hope is what helps youhave courage to continue moving
forward in the face of fear.
What are the couple of?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
things that stand out to you when you think about
this book that you really hopepeople receive.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
The most from it, this book I'm going to be honest
with you, I did not want towrite it.
I wrote it kicking andscreaming.
Honest with you, I did not wantto write it.
I wrote it kicking andscreaming.
So when my husband Colin wasfirst diagnosed with leukemia,
he was in the hospital for sixweeks, that first stent, and he
(22:12):
came home after the first roundof chemo and he was in liver
failure because of the chemo andthey couldn't give him any more
and so they sent him home, notreally knowing which way he was
(22:33):
going to go.
Was the liver going to healitself and get better and then
they would be able to continuewith the treatments.
Did that chemo work?
Did it affect the leukemia atall?
We really didn't know.
So he kind of just came homeand we were just waiting to see
(22:56):
what was going to happen.
And we were just waiting to seewhat was going to happen.
So when he came home that firsttime after those six weeks and
he was in liver failure, he wasvery, very sick and they let him
come home because, number one,he was begging them.
Number two, they knew that Icould handle him at home and
(23:22):
that I would bring him back, Iwould know which things to look
for and I would bring him backif I saw any signs.
And I also promised to come tobring him in every day for labs.
So they let him come home likekind of reluctantly, but
nonetheless he came home and hetold me it was the second.
I think it was the first orsecond night he was home.
(23:43):
He told me that I was going towrite a book about our family
story and about this cancerjourney.
And I looked at him like he wasnuts and I'm thinking okay,
you're in liver failure, likeyour brains, the toxins are
getting to your brain.
Like you're not me, you're sick.
(24:05):
Like you're not making anysense.
And I was just like, okay, aha,you know.
And he wouldn't let up.
He would bring it up every week, every couple of days, for the
entire time he was sick.
He would bring up the book.
Have you started thinking aboutwhat title you're going to make
(24:27):
the book?
I'd be like I don't know whatyou're saying about this book
because, number one, I'm notgetting the same feeling.
Number two, I don't want towrite a book.
I'm not getting the samefeeling.
Number two, I don't want towrite a book.
And number three, who wants tohear about your cancer from my
perspective.
I'm not the one that has cancerand he would just, he had the
(24:52):
best, most warm, like light upthe room smile and he would just
flash his giant smile at me andsay you don't know it yet, but
you're going to write, you'regoing to write a book about this
and it's going to help lots andlots of people.
And I would just kind of likeplacate him and be like, okay,
(25:17):
so fast forward to 18 monthslater when he passed away and,
um, I was on the trails throughthe forest by our house, trails
that we had frequent, trailsthat we had frequent, we had
frequented together, and I wasby myself, just, you know,
(25:51):
feeling this huge ache of hisabsence.
And I was talking to him as Iwas going through the trails,
not about the book.
I hadn't thought about the bookand he wasn't there to bring it
up to me.
So I hadn't thought about thebook at all and, clear as day
into my mind, the words came.
The title of the book is AMillion Miracles and the one
that never came.
And when that happened I meantelling you about it now I'm
(26:20):
still like almost at a loss forwords.
It hit me with a force.
I'd finally heard the call thathe had heard a year and a half
before that.
I was supposed to write thisbook and when I heard the title
(26:41):
of the book, I knew exactly whatI was going to write and I knew
exactly what the book was goingto be about.
And it was almost like thiswhole space just opened up in my
mind and I just saw it all soclearly and I said out loud okay
(27:03):
, colin, I guess I'm going towrite a book and it took me two
years, over two years, tofinally get that book published.
But the book is now publishedand you know I say that I wrote
it kicking and screaming becauseI did.
But now, on the other side ofit, I'm so glad I wrote this
(27:28):
book because it really is sobeautiful and the feedback that
I have gotten so far has justbeen so amazing and it just
fills me up with this joy thatis better than happiness.
It's this peace and just thispurpose that I really can't
(27:56):
explain how much it fills mysoul.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Okay, y'all, this is where I hit the pause button.
I hope that you have really,really enjoyed and learned
through part one of this episodewith my guest, Kelsey Jager.
I hope you come back next weekas we continue to explore so
much more.
We talk about the uniquechallenges of parenting while
grieving, how children processgrief differently than adults do
(28:25):
.
We dive deep in understandingsilent grievers, the children
who hide their grief deep inside, and the evolution from
personal healing to professionalcalling for Kelsey.
I hope to see you all back nextweek for part two.
Thank you so much for listeningand for being here on this
(28:48):
journey with me.
I hope you'll stick around Ifyou liked this episode.
It would mean the world for meif you would rate and review the
podcast or share it withsomeone you know.
Many need to hear this message.
I love to hear from you all andwant you to know that you can
leave me a voicemail directly.
If you go to my website,evokegreatnesscom, and go to the
Contact Me tab, you'll just hitthe big old orange button and
record your message.
(29:08):
I love the feedback andcomments that I've been getting,
so please keep them coming.
I'll leave you with the wisewords of author Robin Sharma
Greatness comes by doing a fewsmall and smart things each and
every day.
It comes from taking littlesteps consistently.
It comes from making a fewsmall chips against everything
(29:30):
in your professional andpersonal life that is ordinary,
so that a day eventually arriveswhen all that's left is the
extraordinary.
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