February 4, 2024 • 27 mins
Embark on an enlightening adventure with Bob Bosse and special guest Ed Risling, and discover the secrets to a seamless transition into expat life. Together, we delve into the psychological nuances of uprooting and settling into the vibrant communities of Mexico, unraveling the tapestry of cultural adaptation with an expert's eye. Ed, an accomplished clinical psychotherapist and author, brings a wealth of knowledge on the importance of attitude and curiosity for couples ready to make the leap. His personal stories intertwine professional expertise with a passion for diving, illustrating the harmony between work and leisure made possible through modern technology.
This episode isn't just about geographic change; it's a treasure trove of strategies for enriching relationships in any setting. We dissect the wisdom contained within Ed's book, "Fully Half Committed: Conversation Starters for Romantic Relationships," sharing pearls of insight on fostering deep connections through intentional actions and constructive communication. Learn how to manage frustration, inject playfulness into your routine, and use simple yet profound mechanisms like the symbolic jelly bean to repair and strengthen your bond. Whether you're an expat or a couple seeking growth, join us for a candid heart-to-heart that promises to resonate with the adventurer in every listener.
We are incredibly thankful for engagement and stories from our listeners, who have found their own sense of 'home' across the globe. Stay tuned as we continue to share the wisdom and wanderlust of those who've charted their unique international courses. We'd love to hear your comments and questions. Email them to expatslikeus@gmail.com
For more information and content, follow Expats Like Us on Facebook and YouTube
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ed (00:00):
I think actually the most important thing, particularly in
moving to another culture,another country, is to be aware
of the attitude you bring to themove.
If you're expecting toexperience the world in the same
way you did at home, you'regoing to be disappointed.
Bob (00:24):
Welcome to Xpats Like Us, a co-production with me, vita
Margarita, exploring the worldof US expat life in Mexico.
In each episode, we'll meet newpeople and hear their stories.
We'll also learn more aboutexpat life and get a few tips on
everything from making yourmove to settling in, to living
your dreams and, most of all,having fun.
(00:45):
Let's dive in.
Welcome to Xpats Like Us.
I'm your host, bob Bussey.
My wife Sherry and I sold mostof our possessions and moved,
along with our dog, to Mexico inthe summer of 2021.
(01:06):
Today I'm thrilled to betalking with Ed Risling.
Mr Risling is a registeredclinical psychotherapist, a
psychiatric nurse and holds adegree in social work.
He lives in practices inSaskatoon, canada, where he
lives part of the year and,along with his wife, glenda,
spends his winter months inMexico.
Mr Risling is co-author ofFully Half Committed
(01:28):
Conversation Starters forRomantic Relationships.
Mr Risling is here to share hisinsights on relationships,
especially in times of change,for example, adapting to
retirement and to a new life ina new country.
He will share some insight andperhaps some advice about things
to consider beyond simplyquitting your full-time job and
packing up and moving.
(01:49):
Hello, ed Risling, and welcometo Xpats Like Us.
Ed (01:53):
Thank you very much.
Bob (01:54):
So what inspired you to get into social work as a
profession?
Ed (01:59):
Well, I actually considered myself to be an accidental
therapist.
I had gotten a job working in apsychiatric institution and
discovered I liked it.
I had no intention of stayingthere at the time, but I met my
ex-wife who was a psychiatricnurse and decided I'd rather
(02:20):
have sex than consider anothercareer.
And I found I discovered Ireally liked it.
Bob (02:28):
So tell us about your practice.
Ed (02:30):
Well, I started private work in 1985.
Prior to that I'd worked inyouth psychiatry, a maximum
security prison system acutecare psychiatry around the
country.
Decided I didn't like workingfor other folks so I just opened
(02:54):
my own practice and I've beengoing since then.
Bob (02:57):
And you enjoy your practice .
You plan on continuing yourpractice, for you're not retired
.
Right Is what I'm getting at.
Ed (03:04):
No, I've cut back on my hours.
I've had conversation with mywife and I've told her I would
consider the possibility that Imight maybe retire when I'm 75.
Bob (03:16):
Okay, maybe Right, okay.
And you and your wife come downto Mexico every winter.
That's how I know you and havemet you in Acomal, where we live
.
So what attracts you to comedown here?
Ed (03:32):
First of all, the weather I mean living in Northern Canada
is a bit of an issue come snowtime.
I'm also a diver, so livinghere on the Caribbean allows me
to do diving and I fell in lovewith the community.
Bob (04:17):
How have you adapted your practice to living in a foreign
country?
Ed (04:23):
I still continue to see clients at home.
Thanks to Zoom and virtualconnections, I do quite a bit of
work.
I work two days a week here inMexico on the computer working
with clients.
The other thing that's happenedsince I've published is that I
end up seeing people from allover the world Other parts of
(04:46):
Canada, costa Rica, unitedStates and Australia.
Bob (04:50):
So you've been able to expand your practice by the use
of technology and go diving whenyou want to go, and that's
exactly right.
So one of the things that wetalk about on this podcast is
adapting to making a move.
I think that, like in my case,when I decided, you know, we'd
vacationed here for a long timeand decided we wanted to move
(05:14):
but I don't know that we thoughtit through that much, you know,
beyond, just moving and gettinghere was kind of our goal.
Ed (05:24):
I think actually the most important thing, particularly in
moving to another culture,another country, is to be aware
of the attitude you bring to themove.
If you're expecting toexperience the world in the same
way you did at home, you'regoing to be disappointed.
And if you bring in an attitudeof curiosity and a willingness
(05:48):
to adapt to where you live, thedifferent norms, the different
expectations, it makes it mucheasier.
And so I think, primarily,attitude is what's going to
generate success.
Bob (06:06):
How can a couple judge if they're ready to make a move of
such?
Ed (06:09):
magnitude?
That's a difficult question toanswer, partly because many
people won't know until theyactually are.
It's like trial by fire, and ifyou are adaptable in other
circumstances, you're likely tobe adaptable in moving to
(06:30):
another country.
Bob (06:33):
That makes a lot of sense, yeah.
Ed (06:35):
If you're rigid at home, you're likely going to be rigid
here.
Bob (06:38):
And I know you know, I've met people here that they come
down here and they stay for alittle while.
And you know, with everyintention of staying here and
living, you know, in a newcountry, and they just it's for
some reason they don't adapt,they're maybe not ready to adapt
to, Because there's a lot ofthings to adapt to when you move
to a new country.
Ed (06:58):
Absolutely.
I mean and language is onlypart of it People in Mexico
think differently than people inCanada or the United States do,
and they process differently.
I've had to learn, for example,to develop a little more
(07:18):
patience than what I'm used to.
Bob (07:21):
Right.
I think a lot of us can agreewith that.
Ed (07:25):
Right, and my children are telling me that it's God's
intention in this lifetime forme to become a little more
patient.
So that's been somewhatdifficult at times.
Bob (07:34):
Okay.
So yeah, that's, but that's agood thing.
You know, I feel like I'm muchmore patient than I at once was,
because you have to be.
Ed (07:42):
Yes.
Bob (07:43):
You have no other option, yes, other than move back to
where you came from.
Ed (07:49):
Exactly true, and I think you need to be somewhat
comfortable with taking risks,because with their, when there's
new demands on you, you'regoing to feel a little uneasy at
times and you have to be ableto handle that.
Bob (08:06):
What are some of the things that couples should maybe
consider if they're thinkingabout making that move but
really haven't thought about allof this and the cultural shift
and the change they're going togo through?
What are some things that theyshould be thinking about that
maybe they're not?
Ed (08:21):
Well, you mentioned at the beginning of this interview that
you had been down on vacation anumber of times, and so if
somebody were to consider movingto another country, or I would
certainly recommend spendingsome time on vacation extended
period six weeks, two months tosort of immerse themselves in
(08:44):
where they're considering theymight stay and have some serious
discussions about what theylike and don't like.
Bob (08:52):
Right, and you know, one of the things that other people
have said on this podcast isdon't just, if you're doing that
, don't just go to an allinclusive resort, because that
gives you no indication of whatlife is going to be like.
Ed (09:05):
Exactly.
I think part of our experiencehas been using Airbnb, so we
would rent a house or a placeand stay there for a couple of
weeks or a month and we wouldtry different areas.
(09:29):
So we spent time on the WestCoast and Puerto Vallarta and
Mazatlan.
We spent time in Brazil andPortugal and when we bought here
, we had already vacationed alot in different parts of the
world and what we knew is thatwe wanted to escape Canada in
(09:51):
the wintertime.
So that was where we startedthat was the primary goal.
Bob (09:57):
Right Right, and that's a good point.
Like with Airbnb that forcesyou to go grocery shopping to
find transportation Right, allof the, it's a small little
getting your feet wet in yournew country, potential new
country.
Ed (10:17):
Yeah, and some of the places we discovered we needed
to adapt were a surprise to us.
My wife loves to cook and allof a sudden she can't get the
spices that she's used to.
The vegetables are a littledifferent, the fruit's much
different.
Bob (10:37):
That's a common thing.
People talk about that a lot.
So if people don't adapt, whatpsychologically are some of the
consequences that they mightsuffer or experience?
Ed (10:53):
The most common one would be a sense of frustration, then
also anxiety, because where theyhave their feet firmly planted
on the ground, all of a suddenit feels a little shaky and they
may have to deal with anxiety.
One of the skills I thinkthat's really essential, both
(11:16):
for making your relationshipwork and for making your life
work in a new area, is theability to self soothe.
Bob (11:26):
Okay, explain what that is.
Ed (11:28):
Well, once I experience some activation in my nervous
system, my body becomes aroused.
I need to be willing to takeresponsibility to calm myself
down rather than make a demandon the environment.
So sometimes that environmentis my wife, and I want her to
(11:51):
behave differently.
Sometimes the environment issomebody at a grocery store that
I'm trying to communicate withwho doesn't speak English, and
so I need to have developed thatability to calm down my own
nervous system.
Bob (12:09):
Okay, that makes sense.
So how do you begin to do that?
Ed (12:15):
Well, there's a number of little tricks that you can use.
The first and most importantone is that I'll take
responsibility rather than makethe demand on other artists.
Okay, this is my issue.
One of the things that I mightdo is write my name with my bomb
.
So what happens when I becomecancer activated?
(12:37):
I become a tight ass and Isqueeze through the pelvis,
which puts pressure up againstthe gut, the diaphragm, and
holds breathing to the top partof the chest.
So you get kind of an anxietybreathing going on, like if I
relax my pelvis so, which I doby writing my name with my bomb,
(12:58):
micro movements, you don't haveto get really gross about it.
Bob (13:02):
It doesn't have to be a whole production, a whole dance
in the grocery store.
Ed (13:06):
Right, but the idea is to relax the pelvic floor so that
you begin to breathe deeperwithout resistance from your
body.
So that's one trick.
The other, of course, is whatkind of exercise I do.
If I keep myself active, it'seasier to relax.
(13:29):
I can go for a walk.
If I'm frustrated in the store,I need to give myself
permission to walk away.
Just walk away with theintention to calm down.
Bob (13:47):
Right, right, remove yourself from the situation if
you can, as much as possible.
Right, yeah, okay, that's areally good piece of advice that
you just give there.
I wish more people would dothat, because I see people get
frustrated all the time and withexactly those sort of things.
Ed (14:08):
Yeah, if you may know that, lisa Divine Put� the book salon
director I was at saw you.
I take that responsibility tocalm myself down.
The other thing is that Ibecome easier for other people
to be around and they'rebecoming less reactive to me.
Bob (14:27):
Right, so it creates its own environment.
Ed (14:30):
Exactly right.
Bob (14:31):
Yeah.
Ed (14:32):
I've heard forever I mean it's fairly common adages you
get back what you give out.
So if I can bring my own systemdown into a relaxed state,
people are likely to follow myexperience rather than me
following theirs.
Bob (14:51):
Right, absolutely.
Oh, that's a great piece ofadvice for when you start
feeling frustrated.
So you've written a book fully,half committed, right.
Ed (15:05):
I said earlier that I consider myself an accidental
therapist.
I'm also a bit of a reluctantauthor, I don't like writing,
but I've been doing couplescounseling now for 50 years and
one of the things that I'venoticed is that many
(15:29):
relationships, if not most, areaccidental, so that people fall
in love, they end up married.
Life happens and we end upreacting to that.
We react to the circumstance,we react to each other and then
we react to the reactions andall of a sudden we're going how
(15:50):
the hell did we get here?
This isn't where I wanted to be.
What you can do is actuallydecide intentionally to be
married, and I define marriageas an emotionally committed
relationship, so that I can havea discussion with my wife about
(16:11):
okay, what is it that I want tocreate here?
And then I can evaluate myselfon have I behaved this last week
in a way that's consistent withwhat I want to create?
And then you break it down towhat do I want to create
spiritually in my marriage?
(16:31):
What do I want to createfinancially, sexually parenting,
how do I want to retire?
And have those discussions Thenwe can also make decisions
about okay, when we run intodifficulty with each other, how
do we do repair?
That's set up a mechanism forfixing it, one of the things I
(16:52):
might do if I have a fight withmy wife.
I put a jelly bean on herpillow.
Now I may still be angry withher, but the jelly bean is a
communication that I'm in andshe'll look for that jelly bean
if we have a fight.
If I'm really mad, I'll put ablack one there.
Bob (17:12):
It's all in the symbolism.
Ed (17:16):
Or I want playfulness in my marriage, so I make sure I do
something every day that'splayful.
It might be grabbing herdancing, it might be how we have
sex, it might be how I teaseher, but I make sure I do
something with her every daythat's playful.
Bob (17:37):
So I've read your book and it's 45 chapters.
They're short, but tell me whatthe intention is behind having
those short chapters with thediscussion questions.
Ed (17:51):
Thank you.
We deliberately made it reallyshort chapters.
I consider it to be a shitterbook, which means that I wanted
it to be in the bathroom.
People sit down, do theirbusiness, they can read a
chapter and they can open thebook anywhere.
Each chapter stand alone, andthen at the end of each chapter
(18:14):
there's a couple of questions.
To sit down with your partnerand say what do you think about
this?
One of the chapters, forexample, is that nothing is
personal.
We always take thingspersonally that aren't about us.
The only thing that's personalis how we behave, and at the end
of the chapter there's okay,how do you take things
(18:36):
personally?
How do you see me take thingspersonally?
And you can get into adiscussion about whatever the
chapter is about and not onlyhave conversations, make
connection, but perhaps makesome changes.
Bob (18:52):
So, yeah, what do you hope that people take away from your
book?
If they'd sit down and they go45 days in the bathroom and they
do this and they follow through, how do you hope that changes
their life?
Ed (19:04):
Well, what I'd like to see people do is to bring into
awareness some of the ways thatwe behave sort of automatically,
and to consider how we'reactually doing the relationship
with each other and then decideokay, on purpose this is what I
(19:26):
want to do and even to read thechapter and discover why we're
already doing that you know, wegot this one nailed and to
celebrate that, in terms of howwe make connection, lots of
people do repair really wellalready.
That's how they get to staymarried.
Bob (19:47):
See, for me reading that, my wife read it too.
We've been married so long youstart to get just on automatic
pilot and you don't think aboutthese things Exactly.
You know, and it's a goodreminder, that there are all
these different aspects to beingin a committed relationship.
Ed (20:06):
Right.
You know, and we picked thetitle fully half committed.
The colleague that I wrote itwith and I were having a
discussion and we'd beennoticing over the years that
people seem less committed now.
Then they used to be.
So in terms of our practice,people were splitting up for not
(20:27):
so serious reasons as they usedto.
I worked with one couple, forexample, who they decided to
split because she wanted todance and he didn't like dancing
, and for them that was real.
Bob (20:42):
You would think you'd be able to overcome that, or, you
know, to some of us that soundslike a really shallow, yeah, a
reason, you know, but yeah.
Ed (20:52):
Yeah, so and our experiences that with people
younger than us like I say, I'vebeen doing this for 50 years
they're less committed than whatwe used to be.
I don't think they go in withthe intention of a lifetime
(21:12):
together all the time anymore.
Bob (21:14):
Right.
What do you think caused thatin society?
Our grandparents would bemarried, no matter what Right I
mean.
Divorce or splitting up was, inmy mind, a very rare thing 50
years ago, 60 years ago.
Ed (21:30):
Right.
Well, my parents have beenmarried for 73 years now.
I think part of it's thedemands socially, and I think
lots of people back then stayedmarried because they didn't have
the choice to leave.
They were financially reallydependent on each other in a way
(21:53):
that people aren't right now.
One of our chapters is aboutrewriting the marital vows.
Our contention is that thetraditional ones fall short.
Even in rewriting thecommitment we're making to one
another I think people can dothis even after they've been
(22:14):
together for a long time isre-come back to the okay.
What are we committed to here?
Once we have that in mind thatframework again, we can evaluate
ourselves.
So I'm behaving consistentlywith what I've committed to.
(22:35):
With you, that might be Icommitted to learn dancing.
Whatever it is that's reallyimportant.
Bob (22:43):
Okay, the book is called Fully Half Committed and we're
talking with Ed Ristling.
He's the co-author of this book.
So where can people find yourbook?
Ed (22:55):
It's on audio, it's on amazoncom andca, it's on Kobo
Books and you can go to yourbook local bookstore and have it
brought in if that's what youwould like.
Bob (23:35):
One last question If you had a list of top things that
couples should do or consider interms of their relationship
when making a big move likebecoming an expat in Mexico,
what would those tips be?
Ed (23:49):
To really be clear with each other about what your
expectations are.
You have some discussions abouthow it's going to impact
relationship, where it might putstrength, where you can see
yourself getting into conflict,and again to commit to the
(24:17):
attitude that you're going totake with each other in making
the move and how you're going tosupport each other in a
positive attitude.
Bob (24:27):
Okay, thank you, ed, for being with us today on Xpats
Like Us.
Ed (24:31):
My pleasure.
Thank you very much.
Bob (24:35):
Bob, in each episode of Xpats Like Us, we're going to
teach you a new Mexican slangword.
This is something you may notfind in your phrase book or your
online Spanish class or yourSpanish app or wherever you're
learning your Spanish.
Instead, this is a term usedprimarily by Mexican Spanish
speakers.
Today's word is A was.
(25:00):
A was, a was.
Ed (25:03):
A was.
It literally translates towater, but it also is watch out,
look out, a was.
Bob (25:11):
I've been in a car.
Watch out, there's a car coming.
Okay, thank you, erika Kowalski.
From Me, vita Margarita.
That's your Mexican slang wordof the week.
We'd love to hear your thoughtsand comments on today's topic.
Just look up Xpats.
Like Us on Facebook or send usan email at xpatslikeus at
(25:35):
gmailcom.
You can also see videos ofinterviews and all sorts of fun
content on our YouTube, facebookand Instagram pages.
Follow, like, subscribe andleave us a review.
Thank you to our guest, edRisling.
Thanks also to our co-producers.
From Me, vita Margarita.
(25:56):
Most of all, thank you fortuning in to Xpats.
Like Us and thank you forinteracting with us on social
media.
Next time, we'll bring you morefirst hand information about
your international move.
Until then, remember, our homesare not defined by geography or
one particular location, but bymemories, events, people and
(26:17):
places that span the globe.
I think actually the most important thing, particularly in
moving to another culture,another country, is to be aware
of the attitude you bring to themove.
If you're expecting toexperience the world in the same
way you did at home, you'regoing to be disappointed.
Bob (00:24):
Welcome to Xpats Like Us, a co-production with me, vita
Margarita, exploring the worldof US expat life in Mexico.
In each episode, we'll meet newpeople and hear their stories.
We'll also learn more aboutexpat life and get a few tips on
everything from making yourmove to settling in, to living
your dreams and, most of all,having fun.
(00:45):
Let's dive in.
Welcome to Xpats Like Us.
I'm your host, bob Bussey.
My wife Sherry and I sold mostof our possessions and moved,
along with our dog, to Mexico inthe summer of 2021.
(01:06):
Today I'm thrilled to betalking with Ed Risling.
Mr Risling is a registeredclinical psychotherapist, a
psychiatric nurse and holds adegree in social work.
He lives in practices inSaskatoon, canada, where he
lives part of the year and,along with his wife, glenda,
spends his winter months inMexico.
Mr Risling is co-author ofFully Half Committed
(01:28):
Conversation Starters forRomantic Relationships.
Mr Risling is here to share hisinsights on relationships,
especially in times of change,for example, adapting to
retirement and to a new life ina new country.
He will share some insight andperhaps some advice about things
to consider beyond simplyquitting your full-time job and
packing up and moving.
(01:49):
Hello, ed Risling, and welcometo Xpats Like Us.
Ed (01:53):
Thank you very much.
Bob (01:54):
So what inspired you to get into social work as a
profession?
Ed (01:59):
Well, I actually considered myself to be an accidental
therapist.
I had gotten a job working in apsychiatric institution and
discovered I liked it.
I had no intention of stayingthere at the time, but I met my
ex-wife who was a psychiatricnurse and decided I'd rather
(02:20):
have sex than consider anothercareer.
And I found I discovered Ireally liked it.
Bob (02:28):
So tell us about your practice.
Ed (02:30):
Well, I started private work in 1985.
Prior to that I'd worked inyouth psychiatry, a maximum
security prison system acutecare psychiatry around the
country.
Decided I didn't like workingfor other folks so I just opened
(02:54):
my own practice and I've beengoing since then.
Bob (02:57):
And you enjoy your practice .
You plan on continuing yourpractice, for you're not retired
.
Right Is what I'm getting at.
Ed (03:04):
No, I've cut back on my hours.
I've had conversation with mywife and I've told her I would
consider the possibility that Imight maybe retire when I'm 75.
Bob (03:16):
Okay, maybe Right, okay.
And you and your wife come downto Mexico every winter.
That's how I know you and havemet you in Acomal, where we live
.
So what attracts you to comedown here?
Ed (03:32):
First of all, the weather I mean living in Northern Canada
is a bit of an issue come snowtime.
I'm also a diver, so livinghere on the Caribbean allows me
to do diving and I fell in lovewith the community.
Bob (04:17):
How have you adapted your practice to living in a foreign
country?
Ed (04:23):
I still continue to see clients at home.
Thanks to Zoom and virtualconnections, I do quite a bit of
work.
I work two days a week here inMexico on the computer working
with clients.
The other thing that's happenedsince I've published is that I
end up seeing people from allover the world Other parts of
(04:46):
Canada, costa Rica, unitedStates and Australia.
Bob (04:50):
So you've been able to expand your practice by the use
of technology and go diving whenyou want to go, and that's
exactly right.
So one of the things that wetalk about on this podcast is
adapting to making a move.
I think that, like in my case,when I decided, you know, we'd
vacationed here for a long timeand decided we wanted to move
(05:14):
but I don't know that we thoughtit through that much, you know,
beyond, just moving and gettinghere was kind of our goal.
Ed (05:24):
I think actually the most important thing, particularly in
moving to another culture,another country, is to be aware
of the attitude you bring to themove.
If you're expecting toexperience the world in the same
way you did at home, you'regoing to be disappointed.
And if you bring in an attitudeof curiosity and a willingness
(05:48):
to adapt to where you live, thedifferent norms, the different
expectations, it makes it mucheasier.
And so I think, primarily,attitude is what's going to
generate success.
Bob (06:06):
How can a couple judge if they're ready to make a move of
such?
Ed (06:09):
magnitude?
That's a difficult question toanswer, partly because many
people won't know until theyactually are.
It's like trial by fire, and ifyou are adaptable in other
circumstances, you're likely tobe adaptable in moving to
(06:30):
another country.
Bob (06:33):
That makes a lot of sense, yeah.
Ed (06:35):
If you're rigid at home, you're likely going to be rigid
here.
Bob (06:38):
And I know you know, I've met people here that they come
down here and they stay for alittle while.
And you know, with everyintention of staying here and
living, you know, in a newcountry, and they just it's for
some reason they don't adapt,they're maybe not ready to adapt
to, Because there's a lot ofthings to adapt to when you move
to a new country.
Ed (06:58):
Absolutely.
I mean and language is onlypart of it People in Mexico
think differently than people inCanada or the United States do,
and they process differently.
I've had to learn, for example,to develop a little more
(07:18):
patience than what I'm used to.
Bob (07:21):
Right.
I think a lot of us can agreewith that.
Ed (07:25):
Right, and my children are telling me that it's God's
intention in this lifetime forme to become a little more
patient.
So that's been somewhatdifficult at times.
Bob (07:34):
Okay.
So yeah, that's, but that's agood thing.
You know, I feel like I'm muchmore patient than I at once was,
because you have to be.
Ed (07:42):
Yes.
Bob (07:43):
You have no other option, yes, other than move back to
where you came from.
Ed (07:49):
Exactly true, and I think you need to be somewhat
comfortable with taking risks,because with their, when there's
new demands on you, you'regoing to feel a little uneasy at
times and you have to be ableto handle that.
Bob (08:06):
What are some of the things that couples should maybe
consider if they're thinkingabout making that move but
really haven't thought about allof this and the cultural shift
and the change they're going togo through?
What are some things that theyshould be thinking about that
maybe they're not?
Ed (08:21):
Well, you mentioned at the beginning of this interview that
you had been down on vacation anumber of times, and so if
somebody were to consider movingto another country, or I would
certainly recommend spendingsome time on vacation extended
period six weeks, two months tosort of immerse themselves in
(08:44):
where they're considering theymight stay and have some serious
discussions about what theylike and don't like.
Bob (08:52):
Right, and you know, one of the things that other people
have said on this podcast isdon't just, if you're doing that
, don't just go to an allinclusive resort, because that
gives you no indication of whatlife is going to be like.
Ed (09:05):
Exactly.
I think part of our experiencehas been using Airbnb, so we
would rent a house or a placeand stay there for a couple of
weeks or a month and we wouldtry different areas.
(09:29):
So we spent time on the WestCoast and Puerto Vallarta and
Mazatlan.
We spent time in Brazil andPortugal and when we bought here
, we had already vacationed alot in different parts of the
world and what we knew is thatwe wanted to escape Canada in
(09:51):
the wintertime.
So that was where we startedthat was the primary goal.
Bob (09:57):
Right Right, and that's a good point.
Like with Airbnb that forcesyou to go grocery shopping to
find transportation Right, allof the, it's a small little
getting your feet wet in yournew country, potential new
country.
Ed (10:17):
Yeah, and some of the places we discovered we needed
to adapt were a surprise to us.
My wife loves to cook and allof a sudden she can't get the
spices that she's used to.
The vegetables are a littledifferent, the fruit's much
different.
Bob (10:37):
That's a common thing.
People talk about that a lot.
So if people don't adapt, whatpsychologically are some of the
consequences that they mightsuffer or experience?
Ed (10:53):
The most common one would be a sense of frustration, then
also anxiety, because where theyhave their feet firmly planted
on the ground, all of a suddenit feels a little shaky and they
may have to deal with anxiety.
One of the skills I thinkthat's really essential, both
(11:16):
for making your relationshipwork and for making your life
work in a new area, is theability to self soothe.
Bob (11:26):
Okay, explain what that is.
Ed (11:28):
Well, once I experience some activation in my nervous
system, my body becomes aroused.
I need to be willing to takeresponsibility to calm myself
down rather than make a demandon the environment.
So sometimes that environmentis my wife, and I want her to
(11:51):
behave differently.
Sometimes the environment issomebody at a grocery store that
I'm trying to communicate withwho doesn't speak English, and
so I need to have developed thatability to calm down my own
nervous system.
Bob (12:09):
Okay, that makes sense.
So how do you begin to do that?
Ed (12:15):
Well, there's a number of little tricks that you can use.
The first and most importantone is that I'll take
responsibility rather than makethe demand on other artists.
Okay, this is my issue.
One of the things that I mightdo is write my name with my bomb
.
So what happens when I becomecancer activated?
(12:37):
I become a tight ass and Isqueeze through the pelvis,
which puts pressure up againstthe gut, the diaphragm, and
holds breathing to the top partof the chest.
So you get kind of an anxietybreathing going on, like if I
relax my pelvis so, which I doby writing my name with my bomb,
(12:58):
micro movements, you don't haveto get really gross about it.
Bob (13:02):
It doesn't have to be a whole production, a whole dance
in the grocery store.
Ed (13:06):
Right, but the idea is to relax the pelvic floor so that
you begin to breathe deeperwithout resistance from your
body.
So that's one trick.
The other, of course, is whatkind of exercise I do.
If I keep myself active, it'seasier to relax.
(13:29):
I can go for a walk.
If I'm frustrated in the store,I need to give myself
permission to walk away.
Just walk away with theintention to calm down.
Bob (13:47):
Right, right, remove yourself from the situation if
you can, as much as possible.
Right, yeah, okay, that's areally good piece of advice that
you just give there.
I wish more people would dothat, because I see people get
frustrated all the time and withexactly those sort of things.
Ed (14:08):
Yeah, if you may know that, lisa Divine Put� the book salon
director I was at saw you.
I take that responsibility tocalm myself down.
The other thing is that Ibecome easier for other people
to be around and they'rebecoming less reactive to me.
Bob (14:27):
Right, so it creates its own environment.
Ed (14:30):
Exactly right.
Bob (14:31):
Yeah.
Ed (14:32):
I've heard forever I mean it's fairly common adages you
get back what you give out.
So if I can bring my own systemdown into a relaxed state,
people are likely to follow myexperience rather than me
following theirs.
Bob (14:51):
Right, absolutely.
Oh, that's a great piece ofadvice for when you start
feeling frustrated.
So you've written a book fully,half committed, right.
Ed (15:05):
I said earlier that I consider myself an accidental
therapist.
I'm also a bit of a reluctantauthor, I don't like writing,
but I've been doing couplescounseling now for 50 years and
one of the things that I'venoticed is that many
(15:29):
relationships, if not most, areaccidental, so that people fall
in love, they end up married.
Life happens and we end upreacting to that.
We react to the circumstance,we react to each other and then
we react to the reactions andall of a sudden we're going how
(15:50):
the hell did we get here?
This isn't where I wanted to be.
What you can do is actuallydecide intentionally to be
married, and I define marriageas an emotionally committed
relationship, so that I can havea discussion with my wife about
(16:11):
okay, what is it that I want tocreate here?
And then I can evaluate myselfon have I behaved this last week
in a way that's consistent withwhat I want to create?
And then you break it down towhat do I want to create
spiritually in my marriage?
(16:31):
What do I want to createfinancially, sexually parenting,
how do I want to retire?
And have those discussions Thenwe can also make decisions
about okay, when we run intodifficulty with each other, how
do we do repair?
That's set up a mechanism forfixing it, one of the things I
(16:52):
might do if I have a fight withmy wife.
I put a jelly bean on herpillow.
Now I may still be angry withher, but the jelly bean is a
communication that I'm in andshe'll look for that jelly bean
if we have a fight.
If I'm really mad, I'll put ablack one there.
Bob (17:12):
It's all in the symbolism.
Ed (17:16):
Or I want playfulness in my marriage, so I make sure I do
something every day that'splayful.
It might be grabbing herdancing, it might be how we have
sex, it might be how I teaseher, but I make sure I do
something with her every daythat's playful.
Bob (17:37):
So I've read your book and it's 45 chapters.
They're short, but tell me whatthe intention is behind having
those short chapters with thediscussion questions.
Ed (17:51):
Thank you.
We deliberately made it reallyshort chapters.
I consider it to be a shitterbook, which means that I wanted
it to be in the bathroom.
People sit down, do theirbusiness, they can read a
chapter and they can open thebook anywhere.
Each chapter stand alone, andthen at the end of each chapter
(18:14):
there's a couple of questions.
To sit down with your partnerand say what do you think about
this?
One of the chapters, forexample, is that nothing is
personal.
We always take thingspersonally that aren't about us.
The only thing that's personalis how we behave, and at the end
of the chapter there's okay,how do you take things
(18:36):
personally?
How do you see me take thingspersonally?
And you can get into adiscussion about whatever the
chapter is about and not onlyhave conversations, make
connection, but perhaps makesome changes.
Bob (18:52):
So, yeah, what do you hope that people take away from your
book?
If they'd sit down and they go45 days in the bathroom and they
do this and they follow through, how do you hope that changes
their life?
Ed (19:04):
Well, what I'd like to see people do is to bring into
awareness some of the ways thatwe behave sort of automatically,
and to consider how we'reactually doing the relationship
with each other and then decideokay, on purpose this is what I
(19:26):
want to do and even to read thechapter and discover why we're
already doing that you know, wegot this one nailed and to
celebrate that, in terms of howwe make connection, lots of
people do repair really wellalready.
That's how they get to staymarried.
Bob (19:47):
See, for me reading that, my wife read it too.
We've been married so long youstart to get just on automatic
pilot and you don't think aboutthese things Exactly.
You know, and it's a goodreminder, that there are all
these different aspects to beingin a committed relationship.
Ed (20:06):
Right.
You know, and we picked thetitle fully half committed.
The colleague that I wrote itwith and I were having a
discussion and we'd beennoticing over the years that
people seem less committed now.
Then they used to be.
So in terms of our practice,people were splitting up for not
(20:27):
so serious reasons as they usedto.
I worked with one couple, forexample, who they decided to
split because she wanted todance and he didn't like dancing
, and for them that was real.
Bob (20:42):
You would think you'd be able to overcome that, or, you
know, to some of us that soundslike a really shallow, yeah, a
reason, you know, but yeah.
Ed (20:52):
Yeah, so and our experiences that with people
younger than us like I say, I'vebeen doing this for 50 years
they're less committed than whatwe used to be.
I don't think they go in withthe intention of a lifetime
(21:12):
together all the time anymore.
Bob (21:14):
Right.
What do you think caused thatin society?
Our grandparents would bemarried, no matter what Right I
mean.
Divorce or splitting up was, inmy mind, a very rare thing 50
years ago, 60 years ago.
Ed (21:30):
Right.
Well, my parents have beenmarried for 73 years now.
I think part of it's thedemands socially, and I think
lots of people back then stayedmarried because they didn't have
the choice to leave.
They were financially reallydependent on each other in a way
(21:53):
that people aren't right now.
One of our chapters is aboutrewriting the marital vows.
Our contention is that thetraditional ones fall short.
Even in rewriting thecommitment we're making to one
another I think people can dothis even after they've been
(22:14):
together for a long time isre-come back to the okay.
What are we committed to here?
Once we have that in mind thatframework again, we can evaluate
ourselves.
So I'm behaving consistentlywith what I've committed to.
(22:35):
With you, that might be Icommitted to learn dancing.
Whatever it is that's reallyimportant.
Bob (22:43):
Okay, the book is called Fully Half Committed and we're
talking with Ed Ristling.
He's the co-author of this book.
So where can people find yourbook?
Ed (22:55):
It's on audio, it's on amazoncom andca, it's on Kobo
Books and you can go to yourbook local bookstore and have it
brought in if that's what youwould like.
Bob (23:35):
One last question If you had a list of top things that
couples should do or consider interms of their relationship
when making a big move likebecoming an expat in Mexico,
what would those tips be?
Ed (23:49):
To really be clear with each other about what your
expectations are.
You have some discussions abouthow it's going to impact
relationship, where it might putstrength, where you can see
yourself getting into conflict,and again to commit to the
(24:17):
attitude that you're going totake with each other in making
the move and how you're going tosupport each other in a
positive attitude.
Bob (24:27):
Okay, thank you, ed, for being with us today on Xpats
Like Us.
Ed (24:31):
My pleasure.
Thank you very much.
Bob (24:35):
Bob, in each episode of Xpats Like Us, we're going to
teach you a new Mexican slangword.
This is something you may notfind in your phrase book or your
online Spanish class or yourSpanish app or wherever you're
learning your Spanish.
Instead, this is a term usedprimarily by Mexican Spanish
speakers.
Today's word is A was.
(25:00):
A was, a was.
Ed (25:03):
A was.
It literally translates towater, but it also is watch out,
look out, a was.
Bob (25:11):
I've been in a car.
Watch out, there's a car coming.
Okay, thank you, erika Kowalski.
From Me, vita Margarita.
That's your Mexican slang wordof the week.
We'd love to hear your thoughtsand comments on today's topic.
Just look up Xpats.
Like Us on Facebook or send usan email at xpatslikeus at
(25:35):
gmailcom.
You can also see videos ofinterviews and all sorts of fun
content on our YouTube, facebookand Instagram pages.
Follow, like, subscribe andleave us a review.
Thank you to our guest, edRisling.
Thanks also to our co-producers.
From Me, vita Margarita.
(25:56):
Most of all, thank you fortuning in to Xpats.
Like Us and thank you forinteracting with us on social
media.
Next time, we'll bring you morefirst hand information about
your international move.
Until then, remember, our homesare not defined by geography or
one particular location, but bymemories, events, people and
(26:17):
places that span the globe.
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