June 7, 2024 • 52 mins
(Episode 19): Why People Stay in Domestic Violence Situations w/ Ranika Chaney
"Have you ever wondered why someone might stay in a domestic violence situation? Join us on the Faith and Mental Wellness Podcast as we dive into the inspiring story of Ms. Ranika Chaney. She shares her personal journey of leaving an abusive marriage, rebuilding her life, and emerging as a mental health advocate dedicated to helping others.
In this episode, Ranika discusses the complexities of domestic violence, the reasons why victims may stay in abusive relationships, and the importance of community support in the healing process. She also offers practical advice for those who want to help friends or loved ones in similar situations. Tune in to gain valuable insights and resources that can make a difference in the lives of those affected by domestic violence."
To learn more about Ms. Ranika Chaney go here: https://www.ranikaspeaks.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You ever wondered why someone might stay in a domestic violence situation?
If so, this episode is for you.
Join me and Ms. Renika Chaney as she shares her personal story of leaving an
abusive marriage, rebuilding her life, and emerging as a mental health advocate
to help others to do the same. So please stay tuned.
(00:20):
Music.
Welcome everyone to the Faith and Mental Wellness Podcast. I have a very special
(00:43):
guest today. Her name is Ms. Renika Chaney.
She is a graduate of Loyola University, New Orleans with degrees in communications,
broadcast, journalism, and sociology.
She's a certified mental health coach and a certified speaker for the Charlotte
Mecklenburg Domestic Violence Speakers Bureau.
Renika is also the founder of Renika Speaks LLC, where she leads her keynote
(01:08):
speaking, coaching, and hosting work.
Renika is a motivational speaker who brings a message of hope and healing to audiences nationwide.
Her journey is truly inspiring. She left a difficult marriage while pregnant
with her fifth child, transitioned into tech work, and eventually started her
own business offering after appearing on the Anthony O'Neill Show.
(01:31):
Her keynotes, workshops, and programs cover topics like faith,
tech, perseverance, mindset shifting, domestic violence, and healing.
As a facilitator, Renika excels at bringing people together for meaningful dialogue
and impactful change. As a mother, she deeply understands the importance of
(01:55):
nurturing the next generation.
Faith is at the core of everything that she does, and she uses her platform
to spread God's love and hope.
Renika's warm and welcoming presence as a host creates spaces where people feel
comfortable and feel included.
Whether she's leading a workshop, hosting a panel, or delivering a keynote address,
(02:15):
Her dynamic personality and powerful messages always leave a lasting impact.
She is dedicated to creating environments where everyone feels seen,
heard, and valued, and she empowers others to do the same.
Please welcome you guys, Ms. Renika Chaney. Thank you.
Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here and talk with you. Yes.
(02:38):
Oh my God. Me too, girl. Me too. You guys are going to be an awesome episode.
So please stay to the very end to hear all of what she has to say.
And so as you can see by today's title, we're talking about domestic violence
and why people remain in those situations.
So the first question I have for you, Ms. Renika, is what is domestic violence? is. Yes.
(03:01):
Okay. So if we talk about abuse just in general, right?
Abuse is the systematic way in which one person tries to gain power and control
over another person, either psychologically, financially, spiritually,
and in other ways, right?
So if we talk about domestic violence or intimate partner violence,
(03:22):
that's the way in which your partner, who you are intimate, boyfriend in a relationship, right?
Girlfriend tries to gain power and control over you in the ways that I just named. So yeah.
Awesome. So the next question is, can you share your personal journey or professional
experience with domestic violence?
(03:44):
Yeah. So we were talking a little bit before, like, you know,
you're talking about how you grew up in a home where you saw domestic violence,
same here, grew up in a home where I saw domestic violence and it was just a part of my,
natural everyday life, right? So my normal.
And then I got married pretty young, like right after college,
in a relationship in college, and then found myself also in an abusive marriage.
(04:08):
And so, but for me, it was very normalized, right? And it took other people
outside of the marriage, other friends, where I would just share things normally,
like I'm telling the story, and they would say, hold up, hold up,
says something sounds a little bit off.
And so eventually through time, them walking with me and the church really,
which I know is not a lot of people's story.
(04:29):
A lot of people don't have the church backing them when they're in an abusive
situation or community.
But thankfully I had good community around me that said, Hey,
we hear you talk, but some of these things don't sound like they're safe for you or right for you.
So when I was pregnant with our fifth child.
And there was a plan in place that friends came together and helped me with.
(04:49):
And we moved in with a friend and her children and her husband.
And I gave birth to my fifth child during that time.
And eventually, you know, I was able to get on my feet and get a job and really
kind of start life, I guess, if you will.
It almost felt like being a child in an adult body trying to rear five children,
(05:11):
right? because I've spent most of my time watching domestic violence, being a part of it.
And when you're in that, your main concern is how do you please the other person
so that you can make peace in the home and you're worried about everything outside of yourself.
And so for the first time, I'm stepping into the world as a 30,
(05:32):
what, two or 30 something year old, five children, and now I have to ask myself,
what is it that I need to do for my family?
How do I pay bills when I never really had access to finances like that?
What does it mean to put things on auto pay?
Okay, I have to make sure my kids are well while I'm doing all the things.
So it's this whole new world of thinking for yourself instead of thinking through
(05:57):
the lens of how you can please other people to make peace.
So that's my experience. And, you know, from there, it's just the gradual learning
of how to adult and be in this world while rearing children.
Listen, the word keep coming to me is courage and bravery.
Oh, my gosh. It takes courage and to be able to leave a situation like that, but also support.
(06:22):
So I can tell you had a great support system. Thank God for that.
And honestly, everything you just said is the number one reason why people don't
leave because they have to start all over again.
You know especially whenever you never really been taught how to
do certain things because as we know you know
people who are perpetrators of domestic violence they do all they can to have
(06:45):
control over every everything in your life right including how to take care
of yourself and take care of your babies on your own you have five you have
four children and was pregnant when you left your husband. Wow.
Which is so wild. It's so wild to look back on things, right?
As you say that about me, I don't know how I could have done it without people around me.
(07:08):
And I know that it's not people's stories.
I know it's not where people have so much support around. And that was just,
that was God's grace on me for real, for real.
And so now that I know some things, right? A few things, guess what I'm going
to do? Hey, there's this resource.
Hey, that's this, you know, we We can't, you can't pull someone out of the situation,
(07:28):
but you can definitely go back
and say, hey, these are some things I learned along the way. But yeah.
I definitely agree. You cannot, I was telling you earlier how,
you know, I would have clients who were in a situation and I honestly,
I had to make a decision that I only wanted to work with people who were already
out because with them being in, I was triggered so much.
(07:51):
I would be so frustrated, not necessarily with them, but with the situation,
you know, like what's going on are they okay so
I had some you know kind of transference going on
because as I told you we said earlier I was raised
in a home where there was domestic violence right my childhood was
horrible let me be honest with you I have very few good memories of my childhood
and I remember my mama left oh my god the research showed they take seven times
(08:16):
or someone to actually like fully leave a situation and my mom went through
those phases for sure and I'm the oldest of four.
And I would, girl, this is bringing back so many memories for me right now. Go for it. Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I remember my mom. I remember like us,
like leave it in the middle of the night. And we was like walking.
(08:38):
She had, we had a few bags with us and she had, we had, girl,
we had to go live with a family member. She cut all her hair off.
My mama had huge, beautiful, thick, you know, hair.
And then I didn't understand why she cut her hair. It was cute on her.
She had like a little short, like little pixie cut. and she was
very petite very small kind of like you very small beautiful shape
and she left but we was gone for many many
(09:00):
months I remember that as she was trying to rebuild you know but now I'm a grown
woman as you say you look back like wow my mama did a lot of stuff to try to
leave the situation and it was hard it was difficult but what's going on and
I just remember so many black eyes all that having to go in and say mom you
know get off my mama don't touch my mama like
trying to like, you know, come in between what's going on and he will stop,
(09:22):
you know, but still no challenge. You have to have to go through that.
And so I see it from a, but like me, the little girl, I see myself,
I see why growing up, I had so much anxiety, right?
Like, am I safe? Like when I get home, what am I, where they're going to,
you know, happen, right? Is she going to be somewhere in the bed, sleep?
Not that. What's going to happen when I get home from school?
(09:44):
Because every day it was something different and she had an addiction and alcohol.
So, you know, all this stuff together is a lot.
And so when I hear your story and I hear you, girl, it's just powerful.
That's so important because, you know, we all can help, but also to notice where
you can help and where you're triggered and you can say, I can only go this far, right?
(10:08):
So some people can sit and they can walk along with someone through the emotional
ups and downs, because there's going to be ups and downs.
Some people can say I can provide the physical help. Some people can say I could
provide, you know, to know where
you are, though, along that journey to be able to walk with somebody.
Have you ever been able to go back and have like conversations with your mom about those times?
(10:29):
Boy, my mom died when I was 11.
Yeah, in a tragic house fire. So no, we never have that conversation.
Now, Mama, I mean, once again, by the grace of God, I'm in a much better place
and I've I've done the work, you know, I've done the work, but I can say that
my siblings, a couple of them,
(10:50):
they still carry a lot of that, you know, and I try to support them and give
them resources and information.
Like you said, information, you know, go to therapy, go see someone because
what you're doing is, isn't a complete alignment with what our mom did, you know?
And so it is very difficult.
And I always say that,
(11:12):
Some of us sow seeds and water seeds, right? And we do have to be aware of where
we fit. And so I love restoration.
So when you're getting ready to get restored, I'm here to help you deal with
your mind, your heart, and do the inner work to heal from being in that kind of situation.
But while a person is in it, I was so, I was triggered. I was triggered.
(11:33):
You know, they come in, someone had hair, missed pieces of her hair, bald spot.
I was just, because it triggered me so much for, I was angry.
And then I was thinking about my mom and how I couldn't heal her either because I'm a child, you know?
So, yeah. That's so good. Yeah, there have been times where I had to say,
like, this is as far as I can go.
But I have some resources that can help you along the rest, you know,
(11:57):
this way. So, yeah. It's hard. It's work.
It's work. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I like what you were saying earlier,
too, when you was mentioning about, you know, going through that season of trying
to recover and to start all over again.
And like that is the number one thing I feel like that fears a lot of people in this situation.
So what would you tell someone like in the beginning to like start working on
(12:23):
in order to begin rebuilding?
Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah.
I feel like there's so many different situations in so many different ways, right?
So there's the part where you're still with someone, things that you can do to plan, right?
And setting money aside, having someone to help you with that and setting money
aside and different ways that you can plan, getting documents together, right?
(12:46):
Things to keep you safe, having a safety plan.
And there are individuals and organizations that can help you through that.
But then also, like I said, okay, so I talked about community, right? Right.
And I always I always rep my community, rep my church because they were there for me.
But one of the things that they said to me is, you know, Renika is not just
like we just came and we were around you and like they were like,
(13:09):
you are also a good friend and a part of our community, too.
Right. And being in community.
And so one of the things is, I don't know.
I look back and I have no other answer. I just don't know how I would have done
it by myself. self. I don't know.
I was a stay at home mom who homeschooled. So I did not bring in any income, right? So we need a gas.
(13:33):
There's, Hey, here's gas money. You need food. Here's my, here's food.
And then here's someone giving me, giving me a job, but also like,
there are things that we can do along the way.
I immediately like started to educate myself. There are so many free resources
that I think maybe some of us don't know about like here in Charlotte.
And I'm sure I'll probably Let's talk about more resources.
(13:54):
There's Safe Alliance that will help you, right?
That will help you get a restraining order if you need, will help you with other
things or other places that will help you with food.
A friend took me, you know, you have different friends. I have the one friend
who didn't say a word to me, but just said, hey, listen, on Wednesday,
we're going down to get food stamps. And that's it.
Put me in the car and took me down. So to take care of food, right?
(14:16):
Because it's hard to think in those moments too, because you're just trying
to survive. So you can't think all the time of all the details of all the things. And so-
And so I would say if you do have a community, as difficult as it is,
because I definitely was the one who I can do this on my own.
I don't need to let anybody in. I don't need to tell anybody.
(14:36):
I don't want to lean on anybody until I could no longer. Like I'm a performer, right, by nature.
Like that's one of the things I need to work on. Right. But I grew up in a home
like you with domestic violence. So I learned to perform well.
I learned to put on a smile. I learned to not really show my emotions,
but until this situation with domestic violence, where I no longer could hold
(14:58):
it, I couldn't hold all the balls in the air, nor was I meant to,
right? We're meant to be in community. We really are.
And so I would say, if you have a community, which is difficult to be vulnerable
with what's happening with the shame, right?
The shame, why I didn't want to tell anybody. It's embarrassing.
I'm in a faith community where where divorce that I grew up is like not an option.
(15:23):
So I don't want to tell people, but really leaning into community.
And if you don't have that embedded community of like a church or maybe even
family members, then being able to look ahead at some of those resources in
your city where you live,
that might be able to help you with legal help, with housing,
with all the things, just kind of looking ahead and kind of doing the research
(15:45):
to be able to prepare you for what is to come. Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's so good. Like you said earlier, this is such a layered topic.
Yeah. And so it's kind of hard to talk about just one area without addressing
a little bit of the other ones.
I like when you said staying and then when you're leaving, it's different things
you need during each phase of that.
(16:07):
And you took the question right out of my mouth when you talked about the shame
part and being embarrassed because that too can be a reason why you stay because
because you're embarrassed.
But I challenge the people who may be listening who's in a situation like this
is, what is it costing you to stay? Mm-hmm.
What is it costing you to stay in that situation? Yeah.
(16:28):
And, you know, let me speak to the people like me who are educated, right?
Who have a college degree, who have children, who can be self-sufficient.
There's so much shame wrapped around in that because you think I'm an educated woman.
I should know better. I should not be in this situation. And it's like,
(16:48):
no one is exempt from getting into situations that are difficult or for making
decisions or for what we don't know.
You know what I mean? You can be the most educated person. So this is not,
being in an abusive relationship is not an uneducated person's problem,
a poor person's problem, or whatever stigma you have around what it is being
(17:09):
in an abusive relationship.
It touches every race, every color, every culture, every background.
You know, so I think shame can grip us from so many different ways,
from being educated to being in a religious situation, to having status,
to all these different things. So that is so true.
And, you know, a lot of people are suffering in silence and people hear the
(17:33):
word domestic violence.
It automatically think about just it being physical, too.
And so they think, oh, he didn't hit me, you know, but his words,
the emotional abuse. use. I think about people who are narcissists.
I've had women who never got hit by men or the person they were with,
but my God, their words, how they treated them behind the scenes,
(17:54):
it was just as bad as the physical, sometimes even worse.
What is taking me the longest? If you don't mind me asking, how old were you
whenever you left your marriage?
Yeah, I was 32. Wow.
My mom was 32 you too when she passed away wow and I'm currently I just turned
(18:15):
39 so yeah awesome happy birthday.
And your children do you do you have
you had that conversation with them or about the thing that happened because
I know some kids don't remember certain things but then some yeah the older
they are the more they remember yeah yeah and so I'm also learning I have to
(18:35):
be careful because my kids are getting older right my oldest is 14 my youngest
just turned seven and so like Like my older child remembers some things that happened.
They still do have a relationship with their father as well.
And so the way that I talk to my children about it now is I talk to them in
a way, not necessarily like this person did this, but I talk to them in a way
(18:56):
of what I wish I would have had, right? Mm-hmm.
If things happen with their friends or things happen in the world,
we're going to talk about, okay, what does it look like for you to set up a boundary?
What did you feel when that person did something that you did not like?
Were you able to use your voice?
Okay. Did you go back to that situation and still not voice what you wanted?
(19:20):
So we talk about it in the context of different relationships and what they're
going through because they experience so much at school. My gosh,
so many things. And now that I have a teenager, they do.
So we talk about it in that way. What does it look like to have power? What are you feeling?
Nobody ever asked me, what am I feeling? What do I feel in my body?
(19:42):
Okay, this happened. How do you reset your nervous system, right?
And so we talk about it in that way, giving them tools to be able to do that,
because I think that those things do have to do with situations that can have
power and control, where you allow others to have power and control over you,
not using your voice, not understanding who you are.
(20:03):
The source of in our home is, is we use God's word, right?
So in order for my children to know who they are, what is the source of who is speaking to them?
And so we go back to that a lot of the times. And so I talked to them in that
context of like real life situations. Okay.
(20:25):
What something you want to go back to. Okay. Then tell me more about that.
Why is that? Why is that situation that seems, that seems negative and toxic?
Why do you seem to be drawn to that? Like, let's talk about it. You know what I mean?
So there are things that we are drawn to sometimes, and it's like,
we need some, some correction.
And so we talk about it in that way. Yeah.
(20:45):
Longest to recover from what took me the longest is the psychological abuse,
right? It's the the questioning of myself.
It is the, because to not know who I am and to be rearing children and to try
to live in the world, but the psychological was the most difficult.
And my therapist has a quote that I love. She said, the best abusers continue
(21:08):
their work even after you're gone.
So they're still working here in your mind. They're gone.
You left the situation, but so good that it's still in your mind. So yeah.
That is so true.
(21:30):
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Music.
(23:16):
My oldest daughter, she's 13, and she's more the shy one, the more of an introvert.
So I really had to work really hard with her to say, hey, like, talk to mommy, I'm here.
So now she kind of naturally comes around. My little one, complete opposite.
She'll tell me in a heartbeat, mommy, my heart hurts. My feelings is hurt. I'm sad.
I cried last night because she tell me, you know, which is good,
(23:39):
but providing that safe space for them to say, this is how I feel in this moment.
So I'm so glad that, oh, my gosh, like, I'm pretty sure when they get older,
they're going to see you as a hero because you overcome a lot.
And I believe in sharing with your children your story. I've counseled so many
women who have never heard their parent, their mother's story. That's crazy to me.
(24:06):
Like, how do you, like, yes, it's spiritual. but
also in the natural you have to have those conversations with
your children about the things you've been through so one
they won't repeat the cycle you know two they can get to know who you are they
can learn from it yeah i've met so many women our age who are like yeah my mom
i don't know anything about her childhood i'm like why yeah she don't talk about
(24:27):
it and i'm just like oh that means she had a bad child she had a bad you know
you're not trying to talk about it you know?
And I'm such a huge, Oh, I'm so sorry. Go ahead. No, go ahead. Go ahead.
I'm such a huge advocate of legacy. And I think a part of leaving your legacy
is leaving your story to be able to help your children navigate the world, right.
(24:47):
In ways that maybe you didn't know how to navigate.
And so, and it's so funny, there's so many parenting moments where you really
just don't know what to say. You really don't know what to do.
And yet like telling your children, like, I don't know what that meant.
I'm so glad you brought this to me. I really don't know.
Let's pray about it. Let's come back to that thing.
(25:07):
But yeah, I'm so huge on legacy, leaving a legacy of faith, leaving a legacy
of emotional intelligence.
Leaving a legacy of like, of just the things that you have learned to give to
your kids and your story.
Yeah, it can be hard to tell in your story because we don't want to face our stories.
It's hard looking back at the things that have been hard, but that's a part
(25:30):
of like that healing process.
Absolutely. Absolutely. And tell them in a way that they can understand it.
Because I remember when my youngest one, when she was smaller,
probably like when she was like eight or nine, She used to say,
I was like, whenever she would go places, which I was already kind of on edge about her going places.
And I'm like, if anyone ever touch you or address you or you feel some kind
(25:50):
of way, you need to let mommy know.
And I would always ask her that. And she'd be like, mommy, why do you keep asking me that?
And I said, because if mommy was your age, mommy was touched in an inappropriate
way. She was like, oh, mommy, I'm so sorry.
And so, like, they understand. They, you know, know about my child.
I don't know everything, but enough for them to know and understand that mommy has a story.
(26:11):
Mommy understands me, you know? And so as they get older, I continue to share
more stuff with them as age appropriate for them to understand.
So they won't repeat the cycle.
Like for me, I learn lessons a lot through other people. Like I can observe
others and learn lessons too.
You don't have to go through everything to learn to listen. Yeah, yeah.
See, you're the oldest, but I'm the youngest of five. So I watch everything.
(26:35):
I'm like, okay. Wow, that's great. That's great. Wow.
Wow. And so I kind of want to go back a little bit. And I'm sorry.
We've been talking. It's been so good. No, it's good. Okay.
So whenever you left your ex-husband, was he aware that you were preparing to leave?
Or did you tell him up front? Or how did that situation play out?
(26:57):
No, I don't think he was aware. where there were people kind of working in the
background to kind of like left because we thought that was like the best way. Yes.
And the reason why I ask is that I know that some people, you know,
or in situations where they can't say, they can't say nothing because it's going
to cause a reaction, you know, and sabotaging, right.
(27:19):
It's going to happen regardless. If they find out, they're going to try to do
it regardless, but just wanting to know, was he ever aware at any moment that you were preparing?
Which is another reason why people don't leave right
because they are split up the reaction of the retaliation of
them trying to leave yeah yes yes i heard
a lady tell me before she's older maybe her like 60s now
and we used to work together many years ago and
(27:41):
she told me she said i left in the middle of the night but she was
you know she didn't have any children so it was just her and her
husband was like away and she was like in the middle of the night she was
i had all my stuff packed up my brothers came over and he
came home and i was gone i never i never looked back
I'm like wow yeah yeah yeah
stories yeah oh my gosh
(28:02):
okay so I know we talked a
little bit about you know when you're staying and then
like in that transitional period then we talked about the part you know about
you know rebuilding a little bit and so for you I know you mentioned before
you went to therapy so how did that play how did that like especially as a believer
(28:23):
and they're having to go to counseling for that specifically,
how did that play out for you? Yeah, yeah.
So much of therapy from, of what I remembered was.
It wasn't just the marriage. It was bringing it back to childhood,
right? Which is where you go to childhood.
And so much was just normalized for me. So it's just like, I don't understand
(28:48):
why we're here. Why are we going back to this?
And it's just like, this is where it all began. This is where it began to become normalized for me.
And at first it was definitely kind of this experience that was like, why am I doing this?
This is not what I do. This is not what my culture does.
This is not what my people do. And I'm sitting up here in therapy.
(29:09):
And but it was one of the best things that I've ever done.
One of the best things that I've ever done is being able to share with someone
my hurts and my pains without shame, without bias.
And I still go. I'm still in therapy. I still go just for different things now,
right? Different reasons.
It's just great. And I have my children, some of my children in therapy,
(29:32):
making sure that they get that good start to be able to talk to people.
But it definitely was a learning experience of like, this is not what we do.
This is not what you don't tell people your business, you know,
so long, that cultural thing.
And it was great. And it was just so healing to be able to see myself,
to see why I've made some of the decisions that I've made and to not be myself
(29:54):
up about it, but have so much grace, right?
For the five-year-old me, for the 20-year-old me who got married, right?
For the 32-year-old me who left, so much grace for those stages and parts of
me who actually allowed me to be here, to survive today, to have so much grace
and understanding of all the stages and parts of me. Yeah.
(30:18):
Y'all can just tell by you talking about it and like you've come,
you've overcome so much, so much.
And it takes courage to be able to share a story like this as well.
So I'm proud of you. Okay.
Thank you. I'm proud of you. Thank you. I'm proud of you. Okay.
I'm so proud of you. And I hope you're proud of yourself for sure. It takes. Yes.
(30:41):
We always hear pray about it, pray about it, pray about it. But you got to do
your part, you know. You got to do your part. Absolutely.
Here's the thing. I wanted something different, but not just for me,
like I wanted for my children, but also my children's children's children who I may never see.
I want them to feel that somebody did something in their family line that they
(31:02):
can have a different experience that I did.
Right. So a lot of times we think of that in finances, right?
We want to set our kids up so they don't have to struggle. I'm trying to set
you up with emotional intelligence.
And like, I'm trying to like understand your mind and your brain and understand
how to reset your nervous system.
Like that's where I'm trying to set you up for a lifetime to be able to navigate this world we live in.
(31:26):
I love it. That's so true. That anxiety in your body, it's a book called Your Body Keeps the Score.
Now I listened to the audio version of it and I'm also on YouTube,
but I don't really recommend people who are like not,
you know, therapists or coaches or, you know, in this
mental health advocacy it's it's kind of hard to understand i
don't understand this book so i had to
(31:48):
try to like pull information from it to share with them so they can understand it
right in their language but that's a good one also a book called pension through
my trauma i forgot the author but i'll put the link to that book in the description
box it's a really good book too for those who've been through a lot of trauma
okay so speaking of that you said earlier about your community and your support,
(32:10):
the next question I wanted to ask you is that what advice would you give someone
who knows of a friend or a loved one who may be in a domestic violence situation? Yeah.
First of all, you know, you can't go in with your cape and be like, come on, sis or whoever.
Let's get your stuff. We out of here. And then you go off into the sunset, right?
(32:31):
It doesn't necessarily work like that all the time, right? So a lot of it is.
Some simple things, right? Like if you are recognizing those signs, showing up, right?
Being there, being able to ask questions, just being there.
Because what you can do just by your presence, and I'm talking,
(32:52):
this is experience, right? Right.
Just by having the presence of a friend, giving you a different picture of what
you are already in this domestic violence thing.
And if someone shows up to walk alongside of you, that's providing you with
love, that's providing you with care, that's providing you with attention over time.
Like those seeds are also still being planted.
(33:14):
And I really do believe that those seeds trump the seed, the negative seed.
So just walking with that. I don't know how long that will take. Right.
I don't know if that's a month, a year, 10 years, but being able to walk alongside someone.
Right. But also being able to educate yourself about what's happening,
because it's very easy for all of us when we're not in a certain situation to
(33:38):
be able to look out from the outside and be like, man, I would do this. I would do that.
And it's not that easy, but to be able to educate yourself. And I like how you
named some resources. One of the resources that I really love is the hotline.org.
It has literally everything we're talking about, right?
Why does someone stay in an abusive relationship?
(33:58):
You can also call the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. 1-800-799-SAFE.
And I actually called them recently because I'm trying to help someone and I'm
like, I don't know the answer to this. They sit with you on the phone.
They tell you, okay, this is what you can do. So these are free, y'all.
These are free resources where you can educate yourself and say,
(34:22):
okay, now I understand why it may not be that easy, why this person has children
so they may not feel safe leaving.
This person does not make an income.
Their abuser is the primary breadwinner, so it wouldn't make sense for them
to leave. So being able to walk with somebody, educate yourself,
sit with them, but also it's okay to pass the baton, right?
(34:46):
To get some other people around you and to say, okay, I sat with Renika today.
She's having a hard day. All right. Can you tap in and check with her next week?
Right. I'm pretty sure my friends did that.
Like I had a community around me, but I'm pretty sure because you got to take
care of yourself too, right?
When you're helping someone because it can be exhausting. It can be they're ready to leave.
(35:07):
They're ready to go. And then tomorrow they're there. They're still there, right?
It can be this rollercoaster. And that's what it is because when you're in an
abusive relationship, and I say this all the time.
That person who is being abused cannot see things the way that you see it.
I compare it to like walking underwater.
Things are blurry. You can kind of hear what people are saying, but it's muffled.
(35:30):
They can't see with clarity all the things that you see.
And so until the time for them to come up, rise above the water and be able
to walk along the shore with you, you can walk with them in those ways.
And it's just that emotional support. Some people can provide a financial support, right?
Some of the things that are needed, shelter and all those things,
(35:52):
someone provided shelter, finances for me, right? Our immediate needs.
And some people can provide those emotional needs, but really being with somebody,
validating what they feel, right?
Not questioning, you showed that, you showed that happened, but it seems like
he would do this or of that,
validate what the person is expressing to you because it takes courage to even
(36:15):
at the first time tell you, hey, something is wrong and to be able to open up.
So yeah, something as simple as validating people, being there for them emotionally
and believing people and what they say.
So those are some of the things I think.
Do you have any that you would add to that? That is so good.
(36:36):
I mean, everything you said to me, I 110% agree with. It's just keeping it simple.
And you can even ask, you know, what do you need from me? What if someone is
randomly confiding you about something? Like, okay, what do you need right now?
Because it's in our nature to people who are helpers that want to save them.
But you can't because you end
(36:58):
up being frustrated because they're not they're not
ready they're not on that state or that level yet to say okay i'm ready to go
it's all three different things parts playing into it and what you said too
about the you know the person who in this situation how they see it how they
see and hear you because they're constantly in that fight or flight mode.
(37:21):
Right. Trying to survive. Their goal is to survive.
Survive. Exactly. And do whatever they can to keep the peace as much as possible.
So trying to come up with a plan on their own is nearly impossible.
It really is. Especially when you have children.
Exactly. And I do want to say the hotline.org, that website also has,
(37:41):
if someone is planning to leave, they have a whole thing where you can write
down your plan to leave, gathering documents,
emergency numbers, all the things where you can write
down if that person is ready right to have a plan to
leave so yeah yeah also understand
you said earlier the seeds you sow so we might
not see everything you know full circle with that person and then like you know
(38:04):
leaving but you're sowing those and watering those seeds for that person right
a word of encouragement right maybe some gas money or resources whatever you
can do those are seeds of hope yeah exactly and I do want to point out what what you said,
and it being important for them to be able to do this themselves, right?
(38:24):
If you think about it, they're so used, they're in a relationship where they're
used to power and control that person makes decisions for them.
But now is a time where you can empower them to be able to make those first
step decisions for themselves and build that confidence and build that self-esteem.
So we don't want to swoop in and do all the things, but like.
Give them that chance, that first chance to make decisions on their own,
(38:47):
to start trusting what they're doing and the steps that they're making.
Yeah, I love that. Awesome. So you mentioned I'm going to put it also in the
description, you guys, for those who are listening, whether a hotline or do
you recommend any other resources or even book that you've read or came across
that you think are really good resources?
Well, of course, the body keeps the score, which you just said that one.
(39:09):
And I do think I do think you might need to go through that with like a therapist
or something like because it's it's yeah, it's a lot with that one.
But it is so good about, you know, how our bodies hold and our bodies remember
the things that have happened.
So yeah, that was on my list to say.
And then why does he do that by Lundy? The Bancroft is a really good one,
(39:31):
which talks about abuse and talks about why it's happening in power and control.
And then I also did name Safe Alliance, which is a resource here in Charlotte.
But if you could look up something that is in your city that is equivalent to
like a Safe Alliance or a place that will help you.
And then when I called the hotline.org, that is like my number one thing.
(39:54):
When I called them, they gave me other resources. is when people need legal help sometimes, right?
So womenslaw.org is one place. And then Legal Aid, which is lawhelp.org.
And then there's another one called findhelp.org, which helps people with housing
and other resources on that website.
(40:14):
So those are actually those last three other resources that thehotline.org gave
me to be able to help people.
And then seeking out therapy, right? Right. Someone that is specifically familiar
with and that hones in on domestic violence as well is is a great, great thing to do.
And it's important that they are also trained in that area too,
(40:39):
because I definitely wanted some training.
And I had that first client I had ever, years ago with the domestic violence.
I said, oh, I need some more training in this area because it was very difficult for me.
And I was in there like, hey, I have a question. How you guys coping with being triggered?
Right. And I love that, Shakita, because so many people want to be a savior
(41:01):
and come in and think that we know everything. they won't have all the resources,
but you're like, nope, I need more training. As a professional, I need more training.
So for you as a professional to say that, how much does it speak for all of us?
Well, we can all use help in this area. We can all continue to be educated and
not feel like we know it all, have to know it all. So yeah, I love that.
Absolutely. Oh, definitely.
(41:22):
I'm not the person to think I know it all for sure. I know my limits.
I know where I begin and where I end. I'm like, okay, Lord, this is not for me.
I've had clients before, a lot who would reach out, wanting help with like,
you know, sex addiction or pornography.
And I'm like, I don't have any training in the area. Not because I don't want
it, because I don't have the time.
I know people who are, who can help you in that area, you know?
(41:44):
And so, yeah, I'll tell you real quick. That's not my area of expertise.
I want people to get what they need, you know? And this is why we have the Faith
and Mental Wellness Podcast, the directory, the summit, because listen, I don't know it all.
I love it. I love it. Yeah.
Yeah. So I do not mind sharing people's information and resources.
(42:06):
My goodness. So your story is amazing. I know it's going to bless a lot of people
and also shed a light even more on how we should view people's situations.
Everybody's situation is different. And, you know, I've actually seen people
who have been abused on college campuses is where there's young girls who are
dating, you know, and probably guys too.
(42:26):
And they're being abused while they're in college.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. It's like, it breaks my heart. And it's like,
what are the things that we can do?
And so like you and I are talking about, maybe we never talked about this growing
up. We can talk to our children about these and, you know, age appropriate ways
of things, what to look out for, for girls and boys, right. A light, right.
(42:50):
Where these conversations are, well, we're having these conversations of what
it looks like, of how do we want to be loved?
How do we love people? Well, how do we respect people boundaries?
Do you know what your boundaries are? You know, like having these conversations,
these are things that we can have.
And even us as parents, you know, I grew up or basically like as a parent, you know.
You can do whatever it is. Right.
(43:12):
But I, I dare, I need to respect certain boundaries for my children.
Like not, let me see. What's the, what's a good example.
This is a simple example. Right. I just opened doors in my house.
Like, and then my daughter's like, mom, I'm in the shot.
Like I'm in the back. Can you just knock a little bit? That's a simple boundary. Right.
Somebody's in the bathroom. Like, nah, she's older. She's a teenager.
(43:35):
So that's a silly, like little example. but what are ways that we can show our
children that we respect their boundaries?
And I'm a single mother of five children, right?
So what does it look like for me to show my children how I care for myself?
I can say, y'all, I actually need 15 minutes.
I'm going to my room for 15 minutes and I don't want anybody to knock,
(43:57):
just give me that 15 minutes.
That is, oh, mommy just set up a boundary.
And now I, as a person have to respect the boundary that has been set in place.
So there are like little things we can do in our home, right.
To teach each other, to teach them, what do boundaries look like?
How do you set your own and how do you respect other people's boundaries?
So yeah, just, yeah. Cause it breaks my heart, right. I'm thinking you have
(44:20):
a teenager and only in a few years they're going, so it's like,
they're going to be gone.
Yeah, exactly. Wow. So you covered a lot today.
The questions I did have to ask, you already answered them about about how to
find resources, other books, how to educate yourself, and so much more.
And so is there anything else that you want to, oh, I do want to add this.
(44:43):
So I also know that even doing the work as well, it's like forgiving yourself,
like forgiving the person, the perpetrator.
That's a journey too, I'm sure.
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Gosh, yeah. That's so funny you say that because I was just
thinking about this the other day.
(45:03):
And it's not like you go through things and then like the slate is clean and
I'll never think about that thing again.
Like sometimes thoughts just pop up and you're like, oh, God,
I remember that. Or you're in a situation your body remembers.
And it's definitely been a process.
I was literally praying about this yesterday.
The other day and just forgiveness and being like, Lord, are there things that
(45:26):
I've left behind, like that I haven't forgiven?
And just how it is definitely a process of, you know, forgiving that, that other person,
forgiving yourself or, and I didn't even realize it until therapy and my,
my counselor was like, why are you still beating up the 20 year old,
the 20 year old who made this decision.
(45:48):
It's like, oh, I haven't like released her to be like, you did,
you made the best decision at the time that you could have.
And because of who you were at that time and like your perseverance and your strength,
like you allowed this 39 year old woman to now be the woman who can tell other
people about resources and, you know, talk about it.
(46:12):
But yeah, definitely forgiving myself and releasing myself and not holding myself hostage.
But looking back on, like I said before, the different parts of myself where
I can now look at, you know, the five-year-old and like, whoa, you experienced a lot.
And then the 20, it's like, that makes sense that you want to marry at that
(46:34):
time. And that part, it makes sense.
But also like quickly being able to do that too, like quickly being able to
forgive, because I do believe like God has a joyous life for us.
Like there is so much joy in, in what God has done and what he is doing.
So to be able to, um, to forgive ourselves, which is things that I still struggle with, right.
(46:55):
I still go back to, to it. Sometimes thoughts come up and it's like,
all right, catch it quick, catch it quick.
You can sit in it for a little bit, but catch it. And.
And like be able to, to just forgive myself. I'm saying I'm pausing.
Cause I'm literally in the middle of it, like really in the middle of like thoughts
that have come up, like even just earlier this week.
(47:16):
And it's like, Oh man, I thought I gave myself.
Am I going back to it or forgiving that person and really releasing the other
person too, because there's so much that I have that I've learned from that.
There's so much that I've learned through, through like Christ and his character
of of like a forgiveness and being able to like release people let them people go.
(47:37):
I love thank you for being honest about that and
being yeah say i'm still working on that now and that goes back to say that
you had it's a journey you know it's a journey i call it residue that's what
i always call yeah that's exactly you've done most of the work you've done the
core work you in a great play but you still have like maybe little triggers
or little things that pop up.
(47:59):
Like I call it, you know, that's good.
And I'm right in the middle of it. And I think it's a process too,
of like the stages of that, because it's forgiving the other person.
And then it's like forgiving yourself. But now I'm also at a stage,
I think, because I can be at this stage right now. Right.
I would not be at the stage if I left of looking at myself and saying,
(48:21):
okay, well, what parts may be that you did play in it?
Right. What are some things that you gravitate to?
What are some things that you stay a little too long in? What are some things
that you put up with just a little too much, right?
I couldn't have done that right after leaving because I would just beat myself up.
But now I feel like I'm in a healthy place where I can say, oh,
(48:43):
there's some things that I still do and patterns that I still do.
I'm like, I let that happen a little too long.
You know, I could have pulled out a little quicker than I did before.
And so it's just neat to see, to not beat yourself up in shame.
But we all have things to work on. And, like, what is it I could do just a little bit better next time?
So, yeah. All right, I'm going to stop talking about that because I'm in it.
(49:04):
That's why I keep talking. I'm like, I'm still processing. No,
it's okay. It's helping somebody, okay? Yeah, yeah. No, that's good.
I love it. I love it. And people, they love vulnerability as well.
And they say, hey, like, a lot of times we keep things to ourselves.
Yeah. We feel like we're the only one that's experiencing it.
And that's not true. Yeah.
Make a note for my therapist on that. Yeah. And you can still be fearless.
(49:26):
You can still be an awesome, amazing woman of God, which that's who you are.
A woman of God, a woman of faith. And you do so much for the kingdom, right?
But you still have your moment. And that's okay.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love that. So when you write your book,
are you writing your book yet?
I know. No, you know, what's so funny is like, I have like worked with,
(49:46):
talked to a couple of publishers and stuff, but right now me and my son,
who is such an amazing artist, we're working on a children's book right now.
So yeah, which talks a little bit about resetting your nervous system. Yes.
When he does it, you let me know. He can be on a podcast too.
I will love to have you guys back. It's amazing. It's a need.
(50:10):
It's a need. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Absolutely. and thank you like this was such
a sweet time like just being with you and like having a conversation.
But also being able to give information and to
give resources just thank you for what you're doing
and that emerging that faith and that
mental health of where like a lot of us have not had
(50:31):
that place to land to talk about all the things right
so just thank you thank you for the welcome listen this
has been a blessing for me you know it's a lot of it's a lot of work not
the work as far as like meeting the people but just you
know all the tech stuff and yeah you know it's a
lot of work to go into a podcast but the offset
for me to joy for me has definitely been meeting people like
(50:52):
yourself who are amazing doing great work who are really giving their time to
even come because I know that your time is valued I value your time and your
in your resources so thank you thank you so much I appreciate you too so can
you let everybody know how they can find you on social your media,
your platforms and things like that.
Yes, absolutely. I am Renika Speaks, R-A-N-I-K-A Speaks, S-P-E-A-K-S,
(51:19):
everywhere on all social media.
And I love that because I used to be voiceless. And so I'm Renika Speaks everywhere.
So you can find me Instagram, Facebook. My website is renikaspeaks.com.
Awesome. And I'll make sure I put the links as well in the description box, you guys. Okay.
So thank you Ms. Franika so much again for being here and I look forward to
(51:40):
people's feedback on this podcast episode. Thank you.
Thank you again for being a part of the Faith and Mental Wellness podcast community.
Don't forget to visit www.faithandmentalwellness.fave to learn more about our directory,
our virtual meetups that we have bi-monthly for healthcare professionals,
(52:04):
and to also learn more about our trainings and other resources.
Thank you again for being here and we'll talk to you guys next time.
Thank you.
You ever wondered why someone might stay in a domestic violence situation?
If so, this episode is for you.
Join me and Ms. Renika Chaney as she shares her personal story of leaving an
abusive marriage, rebuilding her life, and emerging as a mental health advocate
to help others to do the same. So please stay tuned.
(00:20):
Music.
Welcome everyone to the Faith and Mental Wellness Podcast. I have a very special
(00:43):
guest today. Her name is Ms. Renika Chaney.
She is a graduate of Loyola University, New Orleans with degrees in communications,
broadcast, journalism, and sociology.
She's a certified mental health coach and a certified speaker for the Charlotte
Mecklenburg Domestic Violence Speakers Bureau.
Renika is also the founder of Renika Speaks LLC, where she leads her keynote
(01:08):
speaking, coaching, and hosting work.
Renika is a motivational speaker who brings a message of hope and healing to audiences nationwide.
Her journey is truly inspiring. She left a difficult marriage while pregnant
with her fifth child, transitioned into tech work, and eventually started her
own business offering after appearing on the Anthony O'Neill Show.
(01:31):
Her keynotes, workshops, and programs cover topics like faith,
tech, perseverance, mindset shifting, domestic violence, and healing.
As a facilitator, Renika excels at bringing people together for meaningful dialogue
and impactful change. As a mother, she deeply understands the importance of
(01:55):
nurturing the next generation.
Faith is at the core of everything that she does, and she uses her platform
to spread God's love and hope.
Renika's warm and welcoming presence as a host creates spaces where people feel
comfortable and feel included.
Whether she's leading a workshop, hosting a panel, or delivering a keynote address,
(02:15):
Her dynamic personality and powerful messages always leave a lasting impact.
She is dedicated to creating environments where everyone feels seen,
heard, and valued, and she empowers others to do the same.
Please welcome you guys, Ms. Renika Chaney. Thank you.
Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here and talk with you. Yes.
(02:38):
Oh my God. Me too, girl. Me too. You guys are going to be an awesome episode.
So please stay to the very end to hear all of what she has to say.
And so as you can see by today's title, we're talking about domestic violence
and why people remain in those situations.
So the first question I have for you, Ms. Renika, is what is domestic violence? is. Yes.
(03:01):
Okay. So if we talk about abuse just in general, right?
Abuse is the systematic way in which one person tries to gain power and control
over another person, either psychologically, financially, spiritually,
and in other ways, right?
So if we talk about domestic violence or intimate partner violence,
(03:22):
that's the way in which your partner, who you are intimate, boyfriend in a relationship, right?
Girlfriend tries to gain power and control over you in the ways that I just named. So yeah.
Awesome. So the next question is, can you share your personal journey or professional
experience with domestic violence?
(03:44):
Yeah. So we were talking a little bit before, like, you know,
you're talking about how you grew up in a home where you saw domestic violence,
same here, grew up in a home where I saw domestic violence and it was just a part of my,
natural everyday life, right? So my normal.
And then I got married pretty young, like right after college,
in a relationship in college, and then found myself also in an abusive marriage.
(04:08):
And so, but for me, it was very normalized, right? And it took other people
outside of the marriage, other friends, where I would just share things normally,
like I'm telling the story, and they would say, hold up, hold up,
says something sounds a little bit off.
And so eventually through time, them walking with me and the church really,
which I know is not a lot of people's story.
(04:29):
A lot of people don't have the church backing them when they're in an abusive
situation or community.
But thankfully I had good community around me that said, Hey,
we hear you talk, but some of these things don't sound like they're safe for you or right for you.
So when I was pregnant with our fifth child.
And there was a plan in place that friends came together and helped me with.
(04:49):
And we moved in with a friend and her children and her husband.
And I gave birth to my fifth child during that time.
And eventually, you know, I was able to get on my feet and get a job and really
kind of start life, I guess, if you will.
It almost felt like being a child in an adult body trying to rear five children,
(05:11):
right? because I've spent most of my time watching domestic violence, being a part of it.
And when you're in that, your main concern is how do you please the other person
so that you can make peace in the home and you're worried about everything outside of yourself.
And so for the first time, I'm stepping into the world as a 30,
(05:32):
what, two or 30 something year old, five children, and now I have to ask myself,
what is it that I need to do for my family?
How do I pay bills when I never really had access to finances like that?
What does it mean to put things on auto pay?
Okay, I have to make sure my kids are well while I'm doing all the things.
So it's this whole new world of thinking for yourself instead of thinking through
(05:57):
the lens of how you can please other people to make peace.
So that's my experience. And, you know, from there, it's just the gradual learning
of how to adult and be in this world while rearing children.
Listen, the word keep coming to me is courage and bravery.
Oh, my gosh. It takes courage and to be able to leave a situation like that, but also support.
(06:22):
So I can tell you had a great support system. Thank God for that.
And honestly, everything you just said is the number one reason why people don't
leave because they have to start all over again.
You know especially whenever you never really been taught how to
do certain things because as we know you know
people who are perpetrators of domestic violence they do all they can to have
(06:45):
control over every everything in your life right including how to take care
of yourself and take care of your babies on your own you have five you have
four children and was pregnant when you left your husband. Wow.
Which is so wild. It's so wild to look back on things, right?
As you say that about me, I don't know how I could have done it without people around me.
(07:08):
And I know that it's not people's stories.
I know it's not where people have so much support around. And that was just,
that was God's grace on me for real, for real.
And so now that I know some things, right? A few things, guess what I'm going
to do? Hey, there's this resource.
Hey, that's this, you know, we We can't, you can't pull someone out of the situation,
(07:28):
but you can definitely go back
and say, hey, these are some things I learned along the way. But yeah.
I definitely agree. You cannot, I was telling you earlier how,
you know, I would have clients who were in a situation and I honestly,
I had to make a decision that I only wanted to work with people who were already
out because with them being in, I was triggered so much.
(07:51):
I would be so frustrated, not necessarily with them, but with the situation,
you know, like what's going on are they okay so
I had some you know kind of transference going on
because as I told you we said earlier I was raised
in a home where there was domestic violence right my childhood was
horrible let me be honest with you I have very few good memories of my childhood
and I remember my mama left oh my god the research showed they take seven times
(08:16):
or someone to actually like fully leave a situation and my mom went through
those phases for sure and I'm the oldest of four.
And I would, girl, this is bringing back so many memories for me right now. Go for it. Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I remember my mom. I remember like us,
like leave it in the middle of the night. And we was like walking.
(08:38):
She had, we had a few bags with us and she had, we had, girl,
we had to go live with a family member. She cut all her hair off.
My mama had huge, beautiful, thick, you know, hair.
And then I didn't understand why she cut her hair. It was cute on her.
She had like a little short, like little pixie cut. and she was
very petite very small kind of like you very small beautiful shape
and she left but we was gone for many many
(09:00):
months I remember that as she was trying to rebuild you know but now I'm a grown
woman as you say you look back like wow my mama did a lot of stuff to try to
leave the situation and it was hard it was difficult but what's going on and
I just remember so many black eyes all that having to go in and say mom you
know get off my mama don't touch my mama like
trying to like, you know, come in between what's going on and he will stop,
(09:22):
you know, but still no challenge. You have to have to go through that.
And so I see it from a, but like me, the little girl, I see myself,
I see why growing up, I had so much anxiety, right?
Like, am I safe? Like when I get home, what am I, where they're going to,
you know, happen, right? Is she going to be somewhere in the bed, sleep?
Not that. What's going to happen when I get home from school?
(09:44):
Because every day it was something different and she had an addiction and alcohol.
So, you know, all this stuff together is a lot.
And so when I hear your story and I hear you, girl, it's just powerful.
That's so important because, you know, we all can help, but also to notice where
you can help and where you're triggered and you can say, I can only go this far, right?
(10:08):
So some people can sit and they can walk along with someone through the emotional
ups and downs, because there's going to be ups and downs.
Some people can say I can provide the physical help. Some people can say I could
provide, you know, to know where
you are, though, along that journey to be able to walk with somebody.
Have you ever been able to go back and have like conversations with your mom about those times?
(10:29):
Boy, my mom died when I was 11.
Yeah, in a tragic house fire. So no, we never have that conversation.
Now, Mama, I mean, once again, by the grace of God, I'm in a much better place
and I've I've done the work, you know, I've done the work, but I can say that
my siblings, a couple of them,
(10:50):
they still carry a lot of that, you know, and I try to support them and give
them resources and information.
Like you said, information, you know, go to therapy, go see someone because
what you're doing is, isn't a complete alignment with what our mom did, you know?
And so it is very difficult.
And I always say that,
(11:12):
Some of us sow seeds and water seeds, right? And we do have to be aware of where
we fit. And so I love restoration.
So when you're getting ready to get restored, I'm here to help you deal with
your mind, your heart, and do the inner work to heal from being in that kind of situation.
But while a person is in it, I was so, I was triggered. I was triggered.
(11:33):
You know, they come in, someone had hair, missed pieces of her hair, bald spot.
I was just, because it triggered me so much for, I was angry.
And then I was thinking about my mom and how I couldn't heal her either because I'm a child, you know?
So, yeah. That's so good. Yeah, there have been times where I had to say,
like, this is as far as I can go.
But I have some resources that can help you along the rest, you know,
(11:57):
this way. So, yeah. It's hard. It's work.
It's work. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I like what you were saying earlier,
too, when you was mentioning about, you know, going through that season of trying
to recover and to start all over again.
And like that is the number one thing I feel like that fears a lot of people in this situation.
So what would you tell someone like in the beginning to like start working on
(12:23):
in order to begin rebuilding?
Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah.
I feel like there's so many different situations in so many different ways, right?
So there's the part where you're still with someone, things that you can do to plan, right?
And setting money aside, having someone to help you with that and setting money
aside and different ways that you can plan, getting documents together, right?
(12:46):
Things to keep you safe, having a safety plan.
And there are individuals and organizations that can help you through that.
But then also, like I said, okay, so I talked about community, right? Right.
And I always I always rep my community, rep my church because they were there for me.
But one of the things that they said to me is, you know, Renika is not just
like we just came and we were around you and like they were like,
(13:09):
you are also a good friend and a part of our community, too.
Right. And being in community.
And so one of the things is, I don't know.
I look back and I have no other answer. I just don't know how I would have done
it by myself. self. I don't know.
I was a stay at home mom who homeschooled. So I did not bring in any income, right? So we need a gas.
(13:33):
There's, Hey, here's gas money. You need food. Here's my, here's food.
And then here's someone giving me, giving me a job, but also like,
there are things that we can do along the way.
I immediately like started to educate myself. There are so many free resources
that I think maybe some of us don't know about like here in Charlotte.
And I'm sure I'll probably Let's talk about more resources.
(13:54):
There's Safe Alliance that will help you, right?
That will help you get a restraining order if you need, will help you with other
things or other places that will help you with food.
A friend took me, you know, you have different friends. I have the one friend
who didn't say a word to me, but just said, hey, listen, on Wednesday,
we're going down to get food stamps. And that's it.
Put me in the car and took me down. So to take care of food, right?
(14:16):
Because it's hard to think in those moments too, because you're just trying
to survive. So you can't think all the time of all the details of all the things. And so-
And so I would say if you do have a community, as difficult as it is,
because I definitely was the one who I can do this on my own.
I don't need to let anybody in. I don't need to tell anybody.
(14:36):
I don't want to lean on anybody until I could no longer. Like I'm a performer, right, by nature.
Like that's one of the things I need to work on. Right. But I grew up in a home
like you with domestic violence. So I learned to perform well.
I learned to put on a smile. I learned to not really show my emotions,
but until this situation with domestic violence, where I no longer could hold
(14:58):
it, I couldn't hold all the balls in the air, nor was I meant to,
right? We're meant to be in community. We really are.
And so I would say, if you have a community, which is difficult to be vulnerable
with what's happening with the shame, right?
The shame, why I didn't want to tell anybody. It's embarrassing.
I'm in a faith community where where divorce that I grew up is like not an option.
(15:23):
So I don't want to tell people, but really leaning into community.
And if you don't have that embedded community of like a church or maybe even
family members, then being able to look ahead at some of those resources in
your city where you live,
that might be able to help you with legal help, with housing,
with all the things, just kind of looking ahead and kind of doing the research
(15:45):
to be able to prepare you for what is to come. Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's so good. Like you said earlier, this is such a layered topic.
Yeah. And so it's kind of hard to talk about just one area without addressing
a little bit of the other ones.
I like when you said staying and then when you're leaving, it's different things
you need during each phase of that.
(16:07):
And you took the question right out of my mouth when you talked about the shame
part and being embarrassed because that too can be a reason why you stay because
because you're embarrassed.
But I challenge the people who may be listening who's in a situation like this
is, what is it costing you to stay? Mm-hmm.
What is it costing you to stay in that situation? Yeah.
(16:28):
And, you know, let me speak to the people like me who are educated, right?
Who have a college degree, who have children, who can be self-sufficient.
There's so much shame wrapped around in that because you think I'm an educated woman.
I should know better. I should not be in this situation. And it's like,
(16:48):
no one is exempt from getting into situations that are difficult or for making
decisions or for what we don't know.
You know what I mean? You can be the most educated person. So this is not,
being in an abusive relationship is not an uneducated person's problem,
a poor person's problem, or whatever stigma you have around what it is being
(17:09):
in an abusive relationship.
It touches every race, every color, every culture, every background.
You know, so I think shame can grip us from so many different ways,
from being educated to being in a religious situation, to having status,
to all these different things. So that is so true.
And, you know, a lot of people are suffering in silence and people hear the
(17:33):
word domestic violence.
It automatically think about just it being physical, too.
And so they think, oh, he didn't hit me, you know, but his words,
the emotional abuse. use. I think about people who are narcissists.
I've had women who never got hit by men or the person they were with,
but my God, their words, how they treated them behind the scenes,
(17:54):
it was just as bad as the physical, sometimes even worse.
What is taking me the longest? If you don't mind me asking, how old were you
whenever you left your marriage?
Yeah, I was 32. Wow.
My mom was 32 you too when she passed away wow and I'm currently I just turned
(18:15):
39 so yeah awesome happy birthday.
And your children do you do you have
you had that conversation with them or about the thing that happened because
I know some kids don't remember certain things but then some yeah the older
they are the more they remember yeah yeah and so I'm also learning I have to
(18:35):
be careful because my kids are getting older right my oldest is 14 my youngest
just turned seven and so like Like my older child remembers some things that happened.
They still do have a relationship with their father as well.
And so the way that I talk to my children about it now is I talk to them in
a way, not necessarily like this person did this, but I talk to them in a way
(18:56):
of what I wish I would have had, right? Mm-hmm.
If things happen with their friends or things happen in the world,
we're going to talk about, okay, what does it look like for you to set up a boundary?
What did you feel when that person did something that you did not like?
Were you able to use your voice?
Okay. Did you go back to that situation and still not voice what you wanted?
(19:20):
So we talk about it in the context of different relationships and what they're
going through because they experience so much at school. My gosh,
so many things. And now that I have a teenager, they do.
So we talk about it in that way. What does it look like to have power? What are you feeling?
Nobody ever asked me, what am I feeling? What do I feel in my body?
(19:42):
Okay, this happened. How do you reset your nervous system, right?
And so we talk about it in that way, giving them tools to be able to do that,
because I think that those things do have to do with situations that can have
power and control, where you allow others to have power and control over you,
not using your voice, not understanding who you are.
(20:03):
The source of in our home is, is we use God's word, right?
So in order for my children to know who they are, what is the source of who is speaking to them?
And so we go back to that a lot of the times. And so I talked to them in that
context of like real life situations. Okay.
(20:25):
What something you want to go back to. Okay. Then tell me more about that.
Why is that? Why is that situation that seems, that seems negative and toxic?
Why do you seem to be drawn to that? Like, let's talk about it. You know what I mean?
So there are things that we are drawn to sometimes, and it's like,
we need some, some correction.
And so we talk about it in that way. Yeah.
(20:45):
Longest to recover from what took me the longest is the psychological abuse,
right? It's the the questioning of myself.
It is the, because to not know who I am and to be rearing children and to try
to live in the world, but the psychological was the most difficult.
And my therapist has a quote that I love. She said, the best abusers continue
(21:08):
their work even after you're gone.
So they're still working here in your mind. They're gone.
You left the situation, but so good that it's still in your mind. So yeah.
That is so true.
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Music.
(23:16):
My oldest daughter, she's 13, and she's more the shy one, the more of an introvert.
So I really had to work really hard with her to say, hey, like, talk to mommy, I'm here.
So now she kind of naturally comes around. My little one, complete opposite.
She'll tell me in a heartbeat, mommy, my heart hurts. My feelings is hurt. I'm sad.
I cried last night because she tell me, you know, which is good,
(23:39):
but providing that safe space for them to say, this is how I feel in this moment.
So I'm so glad that, oh, my gosh, like, I'm pretty sure when they get older,
they're going to see you as a hero because you overcome a lot.
And I believe in sharing with your children your story. I've counseled so many
women who have never heard their parent, their mother's story. That's crazy to me.
(24:06):
Like, how do you, like, yes, it's spiritual. but
also in the natural you have to have those conversations with
your children about the things you've been through so one
they won't repeat the cycle you know two they can get to know who you are they
can learn from it yeah i've met so many women our age who are like yeah my mom
i don't know anything about her childhood i'm like why yeah she don't talk about
(24:27):
it and i'm just like oh that means she had a bad child she had a bad you know
you're not trying to talk about it you know?
And I'm such a huge, Oh, I'm so sorry. Go ahead. No, go ahead. Go ahead.
I'm such a huge advocate of legacy. And I think a part of leaving your legacy
is leaving your story to be able to help your children navigate the world, right.
(24:47):
In ways that maybe you didn't know how to navigate.
And so, and it's so funny, there's so many parenting moments where you really
just don't know what to say. You really don't know what to do.
And yet like telling your children, like, I don't know what that meant.
I'm so glad you brought this to me. I really don't know.
Let's pray about it. Let's come back to that thing.
(25:07):
But yeah, I'm so huge on legacy, leaving a legacy of faith, leaving a legacy
of emotional intelligence.
Leaving a legacy of like, of just the things that you have learned to give to
your kids and your story.
Yeah, it can be hard to tell in your story because we don't want to face our stories.
It's hard looking back at the things that have been hard, but that's a part
(25:30):
of like that healing process.
Absolutely. Absolutely. And tell them in a way that they can understand it.
Because I remember when my youngest one, when she was smaller,
probably like when she was like eight or nine, She used to say,
I was like, whenever she would go places, which I was already kind of on edge about her going places.
And I'm like, if anyone ever touch you or address you or you feel some kind
(25:50):
of way, you need to let mommy know.
And I would always ask her that. And she'd be like, mommy, why do you keep asking me that?
And I said, because if mommy was your age, mommy was touched in an inappropriate
way. She was like, oh, mommy, I'm so sorry.
And so, like, they understand. They, you know, know about my child.
I don't know everything, but enough for them to know and understand that mommy has a story.
(26:11):
Mommy understands me, you know? And so as they get older, I continue to share
more stuff with them as age appropriate for them to understand.
So they won't repeat the cycle.
Like for me, I learn lessons a lot through other people. Like I can observe
others and learn lessons too.
You don't have to go through everything to learn to listen. Yeah, yeah.
See, you're the oldest, but I'm the youngest of five. So I watch everything.
(26:35):
I'm like, okay. Wow, that's great. That's great. Wow.
Wow. And so I kind of want to go back a little bit. And I'm sorry.
We've been talking. It's been so good. No, it's good. Okay.
So whenever you left your ex-husband, was he aware that you were preparing to leave?
Or did you tell him up front? Or how did that situation play out?
(26:57):
No, I don't think he was aware. where there were people kind of working in the
background to kind of like left because we thought that was like the best way. Yes.
And the reason why I ask is that I know that some people, you know,
or in situations where they can't say, they can't say nothing because it's going
to cause a reaction, you know, and sabotaging, right.
(27:19):
It's going to happen regardless. If they find out, they're going to try to do
it regardless, but just wanting to know, was he ever aware at any moment that you were preparing?
Which is another reason why people don't leave right
because they are split up the reaction of the retaliation of
them trying to leave yeah yes yes i heard
a lady tell me before she's older maybe her like 60s now
and we used to work together many years ago and
(27:41):
she told me she said i left in the middle of the night but she was
you know she didn't have any children so it was just her and her
husband was like away and she was like in the middle of the night she was
i had all my stuff packed up my brothers came over and he
came home and i was gone i never i never looked back
I'm like wow yeah yeah yeah
stories yeah oh my gosh
(28:02):
okay so I know we talked a
little bit about you know when you're staying and then
like in that transitional period then we talked about the part you know about
you know rebuilding a little bit and so for you I know you mentioned before
you went to therapy so how did that play how did that like especially as a believer
(28:23):
and they're having to go to counseling for that specifically,
how did that play out for you? Yeah, yeah.
So much of therapy from, of what I remembered was.
It wasn't just the marriage. It was bringing it back to childhood,
right? Which is where you go to childhood.
And so much was just normalized for me. So it's just like, I don't understand
(28:48):
why we're here. Why are we going back to this?
And it's just like, this is where it all began. This is where it began to become normalized for me.
And at first it was definitely kind of this experience that was like, why am I doing this?
This is not what I do. This is not what my culture does.
This is not what my people do. And I'm sitting up here in therapy.
(29:09):
And but it was one of the best things that I've ever done.
One of the best things that I've ever done is being able to share with someone
my hurts and my pains without shame, without bias.
And I still go. I'm still in therapy. I still go just for different things now,
right? Different reasons.
It's just great. And I have my children, some of my children in therapy,
(29:32):
making sure that they get that good start to be able to talk to people.
But it definitely was a learning experience of like, this is not what we do.
This is not what you don't tell people your business, you know,
so long, that cultural thing.
And it was great. And it was just so healing to be able to see myself,
to see why I've made some of the decisions that I've made and to not be myself
(29:54):
up about it, but have so much grace, right?
For the five-year-old me, for the 20-year-old me who got married, right?
For the 32-year-old me who left, so much grace for those stages and parts of
me who actually allowed me to be here, to survive today, to have so much grace
and understanding of all the stages and parts of me. Yeah.
(30:18):
Y'all can just tell by you talking about it and like you've come,
you've overcome so much, so much.
And it takes courage to be able to share a story like this as well.
So I'm proud of you. Okay.
Thank you. I'm proud of you. Thank you. I'm proud of you. Okay.
I'm so proud of you. And I hope you're proud of yourself for sure. It takes. Yes.
(30:41):
We always hear pray about it, pray about it, pray about it. But you got to do
your part, you know. You got to do your part. Absolutely.
Here's the thing. I wanted something different, but not just for me,
like I wanted for my children, but also my children's children's children who I may never see.
I want them to feel that somebody did something in their family line that they
(31:02):
can have a different experience that I did.
Right. So a lot of times we think of that in finances, right?
We want to set our kids up so they don't have to struggle. I'm trying to set
you up with emotional intelligence.
And like, I'm trying to like understand your mind and your brain and understand
how to reset your nervous system.
Like that's where I'm trying to set you up for a lifetime to be able to navigate this world we live in.
(31:26):
I love it. That's so true. That anxiety in your body, it's a book called Your Body Keeps the Score.
Now I listened to the audio version of it and I'm also on YouTube,
but I don't really recommend people who are like not,
you know, therapists or coaches or, you know, in this
mental health advocacy it's it's kind of hard to understand i
don't understand this book so i had to
(31:48):
try to like pull information from it to share with them so they can understand it
right in their language but that's a good one also a book called pension through
my trauma i forgot the author but i'll put the link to that book in the description
box it's a really good book too for those who've been through a lot of trauma
okay so speaking of that you said earlier about your community and your support,
(32:10):
the next question I wanted to ask you is that what advice would you give someone
who knows of a friend or a loved one who may be in a domestic violence situation? Yeah.
First of all, you know, you can't go in with your cape and be like, come on, sis or whoever.
Let's get your stuff. We out of here. And then you go off into the sunset, right?
(32:31):
It doesn't necessarily work like that all the time, right? So a lot of it is.
Some simple things, right? Like if you are recognizing those signs, showing up, right?
Being there, being able to ask questions, just being there.
Because what you can do just by your presence, and I'm talking,
(32:52):
this is experience, right? Right.
Just by having the presence of a friend, giving you a different picture of what
you are already in this domestic violence thing.
And if someone shows up to walk alongside of you, that's providing you with
love, that's providing you with care, that's providing you with attention over time.
Like those seeds are also still being planted.
(33:14):
And I really do believe that those seeds trump the seed, the negative seed.
So just walking with that. I don't know how long that will take. Right.
I don't know if that's a month, a year, 10 years, but being able to walk alongside someone.
Right. But also being able to educate yourself about what's happening,
because it's very easy for all of us when we're not in a certain situation to
(33:38):
be able to look out from the outside and be like, man, I would do this. I would do that.
And it's not that easy, but to be able to educate yourself. And I like how you
named some resources. One of the resources that I really love is the hotline.org.
It has literally everything we're talking about, right?
Why does someone stay in an abusive relationship?
(33:58):
You can also call the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. 1-800-799-SAFE.
And I actually called them recently because I'm trying to help someone and I'm
like, I don't know the answer to this. They sit with you on the phone.
They tell you, okay, this is what you can do. So these are free, y'all.
These are free resources where you can educate yourself and say,
(34:22):
okay, now I understand why it may not be that easy, why this person has children
so they may not feel safe leaving.
This person does not make an income.
Their abuser is the primary breadwinner, so it wouldn't make sense for them
to leave. So being able to walk with somebody, educate yourself,
sit with them, but also it's okay to pass the baton, right?
(34:46):
To get some other people around you and to say, okay, I sat with Renika today.
She's having a hard day. All right. Can you tap in and check with her next week?
Right. I'm pretty sure my friends did that.
Like I had a community around me, but I'm pretty sure because you got to take
care of yourself too, right?
When you're helping someone because it can be exhausting. It can be they're ready to leave.
(35:07):
They're ready to go. And then tomorrow they're there. They're still there, right?
It can be this rollercoaster. And that's what it is because when you're in an
abusive relationship, and I say this all the time.
That person who is being abused cannot see things the way that you see it.
I compare it to like walking underwater.
Things are blurry. You can kind of hear what people are saying, but it's muffled.
(35:30):
They can't see with clarity all the things that you see.
And so until the time for them to come up, rise above the water and be able
to walk along the shore with you, you can walk with them in those ways.
And it's just that emotional support. Some people can provide a financial support, right?
Some of the things that are needed, shelter and all those things,
(35:52):
someone provided shelter, finances for me, right? Our immediate needs.
And some people can provide those emotional needs, but really being with somebody,
validating what they feel, right?
Not questioning, you showed that, you showed that happened, but it seems like
he would do this or of that,
validate what the person is expressing to you because it takes courage to even
(36:15):
at the first time tell you, hey, something is wrong and to be able to open up.
So yeah, something as simple as validating people, being there for them emotionally
and believing people and what they say.
So those are some of the things I think.
Do you have any that you would add to that? That is so good.
(36:36):
I mean, everything you said to me, I 110% agree with. It's just keeping it simple.
And you can even ask, you know, what do you need from me? What if someone is
randomly confiding you about something? Like, okay, what do you need right now?
Because it's in our nature to people who are helpers that want to save them.
But you can't because you end
(36:58):
up being frustrated because they're not they're not
ready they're not on that state or that level yet to say okay i'm ready to go
it's all three different things parts playing into it and what you said too
about the you know the person who in this situation how they see it how they
see and hear you because they're constantly in that fight or flight mode.
(37:21):
Right. Trying to survive. Their goal is to survive.
Survive. Exactly. And do whatever they can to keep the peace as much as possible.
So trying to come up with a plan on their own is nearly impossible.
It really is. Especially when you have children.
Exactly. And I do want to say the hotline.org, that website also has,
(37:41):
if someone is planning to leave, they have a whole thing where you can write
down your plan to leave, gathering documents,
emergency numbers, all the things where you can write
down if that person is ready right to have a plan to
leave so yeah yeah also understand
you said earlier the seeds you sow so we might
not see everything you know full circle with that person and then like you know
(38:04):
leaving but you're sowing those and watering those seeds for that person right
a word of encouragement right maybe some gas money or resources whatever you
can do those are seeds of hope yeah exactly and I do want to point out what what you said,
and it being important for them to be able to do this themselves, right?
(38:24):
If you think about it, they're so used, they're in a relationship where they're
used to power and control that person makes decisions for them.
But now is a time where you can empower them to be able to make those first
step decisions for themselves and build that confidence and build that self-esteem.
So we don't want to swoop in and do all the things, but like.
Give them that chance, that first chance to make decisions on their own,
(38:47):
to start trusting what they're doing and the steps that they're making.
Yeah, I love that. Awesome. So you mentioned I'm going to put it also in the
description, you guys, for those who are listening, whether a hotline or do
you recommend any other resources or even book that you've read or came across
that you think are really good resources?
Well, of course, the body keeps the score, which you just said that one.
(39:09):
And I do think I do think you might need to go through that with like a therapist
or something like because it's it's yeah, it's a lot with that one.
But it is so good about, you know, how our bodies hold and our bodies remember
the things that have happened.
So yeah, that was on my list to say.
And then why does he do that by Lundy? The Bancroft is a really good one,
(39:31):
which talks about abuse and talks about why it's happening in power and control.
And then I also did name Safe Alliance, which is a resource here in Charlotte.
But if you could look up something that is in your city that is equivalent to
like a Safe Alliance or a place that will help you.
And then when I called the hotline.org, that is like my number one thing.
(39:54):
When I called them, they gave me other resources. is when people need legal help sometimes, right?
So womenslaw.org is one place. And then Legal Aid, which is lawhelp.org.
And then there's another one called findhelp.org, which helps people with housing
and other resources on that website.
(40:14):
So those are actually those last three other resources that thehotline.org gave
me to be able to help people.
And then seeking out therapy, right? Right. Someone that is specifically familiar
with and that hones in on domestic violence as well is is a great, great thing to do.
And it's important that they are also trained in that area too,
(40:39):
because I definitely wanted some training.
And I had that first client I had ever, years ago with the domestic violence.
I said, oh, I need some more training in this area because it was very difficult for me.
And I was in there like, hey, I have a question. How you guys coping with being triggered?
Right. And I love that, Shakita, because so many people want to be a savior
(41:01):
and come in and think that we know everything. they won't have all the resources,
but you're like, nope, I need more training. As a professional, I need more training.
So for you as a professional to say that, how much does it speak for all of us?
Well, we can all use help in this area. We can all continue to be educated and
not feel like we know it all, have to know it all. So yeah, I love that.
Absolutely. Oh, definitely.
(41:22):
I'm not the person to think I know it all for sure. I know my limits.
I know where I begin and where I end. I'm like, okay, Lord, this is not for me.
I've had clients before, a lot who would reach out, wanting help with like,
you know, sex addiction or pornography.
And I'm like, I don't have any training in the area. Not because I don't want
it, because I don't have the time.
I know people who are, who can help you in that area, you know?
(41:44):
And so, yeah, I'll tell you real quick. That's not my area of expertise.
I want people to get what they need, you know? And this is why we have the Faith
and Mental Wellness Podcast, the directory, the summit, because listen, I don't know it all.
I love it. I love it. Yeah.
Yeah. So I do not mind sharing people's information and resources.
(42:06):
My goodness. So your story is amazing. I know it's going to bless a lot of people
and also shed a light even more on how we should view people's situations.
Everybody's situation is different. And, you know, I've actually seen people
who have been abused on college campuses is where there's young girls who are
dating, you know, and probably guys too.
(42:26):
And they're being abused while they're in college.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. It's like, it breaks my heart. And it's like,
what are the things that we can do?
And so like you and I are talking about, maybe we never talked about this growing
up. We can talk to our children about these and, you know, age appropriate ways
of things, what to look out for, for girls and boys, right. A light, right.
(42:50):
Where these conversations are, well, we're having these conversations of what
it looks like, of how do we want to be loved?
How do we love people? Well, how do we respect people boundaries?
Do you know what your boundaries are? You know, like having these conversations,
these are things that we can have.
And even us as parents, you know, I grew up or basically like as a parent, you know.
You can do whatever it is. Right.
(43:12):
But I, I dare, I need to respect certain boundaries for my children.
Like not, let me see. What's the, what's a good example.
This is a simple example. Right. I just opened doors in my house.
Like, and then my daughter's like, mom, I'm in the shot.
Like I'm in the back. Can you just knock a little bit? That's a simple boundary. Right.
Somebody's in the bathroom. Like, nah, she's older. She's a teenager.
(43:35):
So that's a silly, like little example. but what are ways that we can show our
children that we respect their boundaries?
And I'm a single mother of five children, right?
So what does it look like for me to show my children how I care for myself?
I can say, y'all, I actually need 15 minutes.
I'm going to my room for 15 minutes and I don't want anybody to knock,
(43:57):
just give me that 15 minutes.
That is, oh, mommy just set up a boundary.
And now I, as a person have to respect the boundary that has been set in place.
So there are like little things we can do in our home, right.
To teach each other, to teach them, what do boundaries look like?
How do you set your own and how do you respect other people's boundaries?
So yeah, just, yeah. Cause it breaks my heart, right. I'm thinking you have
(44:20):
a teenager and only in a few years they're going, so it's like,
they're going to be gone.
Yeah, exactly. Wow. So you covered a lot today.
The questions I did have to ask, you already answered them about about how to
find resources, other books, how to educate yourself, and so much more.
And so is there anything else that you want to, oh, I do want to add this.
(44:43):
So I also know that even doing the work as well, it's like forgiving yourself,
like forgiving the person, the perpetrator.
That's a journey too, I'm sure.
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Gosh, yeah. That's so funny you say that because I was just
thinking about this the other day.
(45:03):
And it's not like you go through things and then like the slate is clean and
I'll never think about that thing again.
Like sometimes thoughts just pop up and you're like, oh, God,
I remember that. Or you're in a situation your body remembers.
And it's definitely been a process.
I was literally praying about this yesterday.
The other day and just forgiveness and being like, Lord, are there things that
(45:26):
I've left behind, like that I haven't forgiven?
And just how it is definitely a process of, you know, forgiving that, that other person,
forgiving yourself or, and I didn't even realize it until therapy and my,
my counselor was like, why are you still beating up the 20 year old,
the 20 year old who made this decision.
(45:48):
It's like, oh, I haven't like released her to be like, you did,
you made the best decision at the time that you could have.
And because of who you were at that time and like your perseverance and your strength,
like you allowed this 39 year old woman to now be the woman who can tell other
people about resources and, you know, talk about it.
(46:12):
But yeah, definitely forgiving myself and releasing myself and not holding myself hostage.
But looking back on, like I said before, the different parts of myself where
I can now look at, you know, the five-year-old and like, whoa, you experienced a lot.
And then the 20, it's like, that makes sense that you want to marry at that
(46:34):
time. And that part, it makes sense.
But also like quickly being able to do that too, like quickly being able to
forgive, because I do believe like God has a joyous life for us.
Like there is so much joy in, in what God has done and what he is doing.
So to be able to, um, to forgive ourselves, which is things that I still struggle with, right.
(46:55):
I still go back to, to it. Sometimes thoughts come up and it's like,
all right, catch it quick, catch it quick.
You can sit in it for a little bit, but catch it. And.
And like be able to, to just forgive myself. I'm saying I'm pausing.
Cause I'm literally in the middle of it, like really in the middle of like thoughts
that have come up, like even just earlier this week.
(47:16):
And it's like, Oh man, I thought I gave myself.
Am I going back to it or forgiving that person and really releasing the other
person too, because there's so much that I have that I've learned from that.
There's so much that I've learned through, through like Christ and his character
of of like a forgiveness and being able to like release people let them people go.
(47:37):
I love thank you for being honest about that and
being yeah say i'm still working on that now and that goes back to say that
you had it's a journey you know it's a journey i call it residue that's what
i always call yeah that's exactly you've done most of the work you've done the
core work you in a great play but you still have like maybe little triggers
or little things that pop up.
(47:59):
Like I call it, you know, that's good.
And I'm right in the middle of it. And I think it's a process too,
of like the stages of that, because it's forgiving the other person.
And then it's like forgiving yourself. But now I'm also at a stage,
I think, because I can be at this stage right now. Right.
I would not be at the stage if I left of looking at myself and saying,
(48:21):
okay, well, what parts may be that you did play in it?
Right. What are some things that you gravitate to?
What are some things that you stay a little too long in? What are some things
that you put up with just a little too much, right?
I couldn't have done that right after leaving because I would just beat myself up.
But now I feel like I'm in a healthy place where I can say, oh,
(48:43):
there's some things that I still do and patterns that I still do.
I'm like, I let that happen a little too long.
You know, I could have pulled out a little quicker than I did before.
And so it's just neat to see, to not beat yourself up in shame.
But we all have things to work on. And, like, what is it I could do just a little bit better next time?
So, yeah. All right, I'm going to stop talking about that because I'm in it.
(49:04):
That's why I keep talking. I'm like, I'm still processing. No,
it's okay. It's helping somebody, okay? Yeah, yeah. No, that's good.
I love it. I love it. And people, they love vulnerability as well.
And they say, hey, like, a lot of times we keep things to ourselves.
Yeah. We feel like we're the only one that's experiencing it.
And that's not true. Yeah.
Make a note for my therapist on that. Yeah. And you can still be fearless.
(49:26):
You can still be an awesome, amazing woman of God, which that's who you are.
A woman of God, a woman of faith. And you do so much for the kingdom, right?
But you still have your moment. And that's okay.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love that. So when you write your book,
are you writing your book yet?
I know. No, you know, what's so funny is like, I have like worked with,
(49:46):
talked to a couple of publishers and stuff, but right now me and my son,
who is such an amazing artist, we're working on a children's book right now.
So yeah, which talks a little bit about resetting your nervous system. Yes.
When he does it, you let me know. He can be on a podcast too.
I will love to have you guys back. It's amazing. It's a need.
(50:10):
It's a need. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Absolutely. and thank you like this was such
a sweet time like just being with you and like having a conversation.
But also being able to give information and to
give resources just thank you for what you're doing
and that emerging that faith and that
mental health of where like a lot of us have not had
(50:31):
that place to land to talk about all the things right
so just thank you thank you for the welcome listen this
has been a blessing for me you know it's a lot of it's a lot of work not
the work as far as like meeting the people but just you
know all the tech stuff and yeah you know it's a
lot of work to go into a podcast but the offset
for me to joy for me has definitely been meeting people like
(50:52):
yourself who are amazing doing great work who are really giving their time to
even come because I know that your time is valued I value your time and your
in your resources so thank you thank you so much I appreciate you too so can
you let everybody know how they can find you on social your media,
your platforms and things like that.
Yes, absolutely. I am Renika Speaks, R-A-N-I-K-A Speaks, S-P-E-A-K-S,
(51:19):
everywhere on all social media.
And I love that because I used to be voiceless. And so I'm Renika Speaks everywhere.
So you can find me Instagram, Facebook. My website is renikaspeaks.com.
Awesome. And I'll make sure I put the links as well in the description box, you guys. Okay.
So thank you Ms. Franika so much again for being here and I look forward to
(51:40):
people's feedback on this podcast episode. Thank you.
Thank you again for being a part of the Faith and Mental Wellness podcast community.
Don't forget to visit www.faithandmentalwellness.fave to learn more about our directory,
our virtual meetups that we have bi-monthly for healthcare professionals,
(52:04):
and to also learn more about our trainings and other resources.
Thank you again for being here and we'll talk to you guys next time.
Thank you.
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