April 9, 2025 • 30 mins
Are you longing for deeper friendships but struggling to find or nurture meaningful relationships? In today’s fast-paced world, loneliness is more common than ever, yet we are wired for connection. In this episode, we dive into the power of cultivating authentic friendships and the practical steps to build a strong support system. Inspired by insights from Jennie Allen’s work, we discuss why prioritizing relationships—even when inconvenient—leads to a more fulfilling life. You’ll discover proven strategies for developing lasting bonds, embracing vulnerability, and fostering a community that enriches your spiritual and emotional well-being.
Takeaways:
✅ Deep friendships require intentionality—investing time and effort is key to building lasting connections.
✅ Studies show it takes around 200 hours to develop a best friendship—commit to the process!
✅ Loneliness affects millions, but prioritizing real-life connections can drastically improve your emotional and mental well-being.
✅ Saying “yes” to invitations and creating opportunities to gather with others fosters meaningful relationships.
✅ Vulnerability and shared experiences are the foundation of deep, lasting friendships—don’t be afraid to take the first step.
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Ready to take your first step towards a more joyful, faith-filled life? Download our Reignite Your Passion Workbook and start living with purpose today!
Ready to work with Kristin to make a shift in your life? Click here to get started.
friendship, building community, adult friendships, deepening relationships, loneliness solutions, Christian women community, faith and friendship, making new friends, nurturing friendships, vulnerability in relationships, intentional friendships, overcoming loneliness, friendship tips, social connections, investing in relationships, community support, mental health and friendships, women supporting women, friendship challenges, relationship building strategies
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hey friends and welcome back.
Welcome to part three ofBuilding Community.
Today we're going to talkabout friendship.
How do we make friends asadults and how do we build and nurture
and develop deeper friendshipswith the friends we already have?
Hey friend, are you cravingdeeper faith, renewed purpose and
more joy in your everyday life?
Welcome to Faithfield Womanpodcast that helps Christian women
(00:23):
grow spiritually, pursue God'scalling and embrace the abundant
life he has for you.
I'm Kristen, an encourager,mentor, entrepreneur, wife and mom
here to uplift, equip andinspire you with faith filled conversations
and biblical wisdom.
Subscribe now so you nevermiss an episode and join our faith
fueled community for more encouragement.
(00:44):
And I would first want tostart off with sharing a little bit
of Find your people by JennyAllen, which I've referenced and
shared a little bit from before.
But she basically starts thebook and says, well, we aren't supposed
to be this lonely.
And she says, I imagine ifyou're here, you're here because
you feel it too.
This, that sinking feelingthat you aren't seen, you aren't
(01:06):
known, you are on your own toface whatever difficult thing life
is throwing at you.
She says, I get it.
But I'm convinced thatfeeling, that feeling is rooted in
a big fat lie.
A lie that threatens to pullyou and me into a dark place unless
we can learn how to fight back.
And then she goes on and saysshe basically has this feeling like
I am all alone.
(01:26):
And she says the ache ofloneliness is real and it's haunting
us.
And she explains that she hasthis vivid nightmare, right about
basically everybody aroundher, like quitting on her, backstabbing
her, all these things.
It's basically like thisserious betrayal dream.
And she says, why am I tellingyou this?
Because on some deep level,being alone is a fear we all share.
(01:48):
Maybe you're experiencingloneliness right now.
Maybe you had people and theyquit you.
Or maybe you've never trulyhad your people.
Or maybe you have them, buteven when you're with them, you feel
distant and unseen.
Friends, this episode is goingto be all about friendship.
How do we develop it and howdo we become the people that are
(02:08):
brave enough to make new friends?
Okay?
And she said, we don't justwant to be seen.
We want to tell a friend or aloved one about our disappointments
and hopes and find comfort as well.
We want to be seen andcomforted and we want to be safe.
But we aren't always safe.
And let's see if there'sanything right here.
I want to share.
(02:29):
Basically, though, it's this.
We need each other, we needpeople to do life with.
And so I just want to sharewhy it's so important that we keep
trying, right?
That we keep going and that wekeep putting the effort forth.
All right?
Because as I shared in thepast, in this series, in the prior
(02:52):
episodes, loneliness, right?
Like keeping loneliness, beingmore isolated, not having deep, meaningful
relationships.
And that can be with just oneperson or several people, not tons
of people.
We do not.
We are not as satisfied orfulfilled in life.
If we don't have people to dolife with, we may not live as long,
(03:13):
right?
Because it has real health consequences.
And so friendship, communityis so important.
It is literally one of thecornerstones of good health.
So mental and physical health.
Because what's in our head,what we think, what we feel impacts
(03:33):
our health, it impacts our genes.
Because that it's basicallythe science of epigenetics, what
we think, the environment inour mind, right?
So the more negative, the moredown we feel, the more depressed,
isolated, alone.
It will actually turn on geneexpression versus if we're more positive,
(03:55):
we connect with people, wefeel fulfilled, we feel seen and
heard and loved.
We understand that there's areal connection to God.
When we have those things inour head, most of the time different
gene expression is turned on.
And so this matters.
It really does matter for alifetime and beyond.
And so this is why I want totalk about it.
(04:17):
And it's also because I'lltalk to a lot of people and I also
have fairly decent sizegroups, right, of friend groups.
So all different levels offriends, like my closest friends,
my good friends, my longestterm friends that I don't see very
often.
And then I have acquaintancefriends and groups.
And then lots of people thatwe know, right, from sports and the
(04:43):
kids growing up, you know,neighbors, that sort of thing.
So I in besides having thepodcast and other things.
So I've talked to plenty ofpeople, I talk to plenty of women,
women I've just met and thenwomen that I've known for a long
time.
And the struggle is real.
A lot of people, men and women.
But I'm going to more speakfrom the context of women here.
(05:05):
They struggle to have deep,meaningful friendships with other
women in their lives.
Now, of course, I have plentyof close friendships, and because
I've taught, I just said that.
But I talk to people all thetime that do not either.
They had friends and they justkind of went away.
You know, they moved things.
(05:27):
Life, seasons changed, maybethere was a disagreement that they
Couldn't get past or didn'tknow how to get past someone, couldn't
forgive someone.
Go.
You can go on and on.
The list is long.
But what I've found is thereis a real challenge for people with
knowing how to start afriendship, right?
(05:47):
Like, how do you even asksomebody for the first time, much
like going out on a date,like, for a friendship, how do you
know if this person is a fitto be somebody that you want to hang
out with, you know, a little bit?
Because you really won't knowif they'll become a close friend
until you put in a ton of timeand had more experiences with them.
And so I do want to share withyou a little bit more of Jenny Allen's
(06:11):
book because it really takeseffort, but it's so worth it, right,
to have friendships.
And so she's saying in thepart of her book called Committed,
she's saying basically we haveto choose inconvenience.
She says, but the challengebefore us is deeper than just conflict
resolution.
It's choosing to prioritizeeach other again and again, committing
(06:34):
consistent time day in, day out.
Sometimes that means we gethurt, and sometimes it means we're
simply inconvenienced.
Throughout history, mostpeople stuck together because they
were literally stuck togetherfor the entirety of their lives,
no less.
You live in an Italian villageof 50 people, get a fight, tough.
You're at the only.
You are the only littleItalian grocer owned by the person
(06:56):
you're fighting with the nextday, picking up carrots, pasta and
biscuit cookie thingies.
But these days, too many of usare experts at quitting each other.
And most of us can figure outa way to hide from everyone while
we do it.
What I'm calling you, callingyou to instead, he says, what Paul
was calling us to, what God iscalling us to, is a wholly different
(07:16):
supernatural mindset that isguarded, supplied, and filled with
Christ Jesus.
He is the way we think,relate, speak, reconcile, forgive,
and love.
Because we've been given suchabundance, we give away our abundance.
This is our story.
This is how we live out the gospel.
And so she then goes and says,we choose to be inconvenienced for
(07:36):
the sake of each other.
If you think about it,friendship, all relationships really
is a giant inconvenience, atleast if we're doing it right.
And the inconvenience chosenagain and again changes us, wakes
us up, makes us laugh and loveand hope and dream.
Yeah, the intertwining my lifewith other people is inconvenient.
But I'll take that kind oftrouble again and again over to ease
(07:59):
and to ease an emptiness oftrying to go it alone, to leave behind
our loneliness and enjoy thereward of community.
We have to keep showing up,keep being vulnerable, keep coming
to the table, be together,work together, and share life together
over and over again.
Then one day we look up andrealize our friendships have grown
deep.
(08:21):
So here's what I love.
She then goes on and sharessome data, some research on basically
what it looks like to growfriendships and the different levels
of friendship.
And let's see.
So then I just want to sharethis little excerpt and then I'll
go on and show you, share someof that data.
She says one reason it's sohard to have good friends is that
(08:42):
getting something on thecalendar takes so much work.
She first, put something regular.
So first put something regularon your calendar.
It takes the work out of this.
Schedule it like I did with myfriends in Austin.
Pick the time and place whereyou all show up.
Second, once you've found yourclose people, break all the rules
on how you spend your time together.
Is it purposely leave thehouse a mess?
Invite someone to your dinnerparty an hour early to help you prep,
(09:04):
or ask them to stay late andhelp you clean up.
Leave your laundry out on thecouch and ask them to help you fold.
Ask if they'll pick your kidsup on their way over.
Borrow the ingredient youforgot instead of running to the
store to buy it.
Bother someone to run anerrand for you or with you, I should
say, stop by someone's house unannounced.
Bring someone a meal without warning.
Ask to borrow clothes for aspecial event instead of shopping
(09:25):
for a new dress.
Ask someone to help you cleanyour closet.
You get the point.
Okay, so anyways.
She then says that she's.
She shares research fromUniversity of Oxford evolutionary
psychologist Robin Dunbar.
He basically looks at thetypes of people in our lives and
(09:47):
they fall into acquaintances.
Casual friends, friends, goodfriends, and intimate friends.
And he puts numbers to these categories.
So let's take a look at this.
So basically means how muchtime do we have to invest to take
people on these differentlevels of.
What do you call it?
(10:08):
Levels of friendship.
Okay, let me see if I can findthe data.
I'm not seeing it all of a sudden.
Okay.
So it says.
Okay, sorry.
So she said.
Inspired by Dunbar's research,university Kansas professor Jeffrey
(10:28):
hall began poking around atthe various relational levels.
And he said it took about 50hours of interaction to move from
acquaintance to casual friend.
Guys, 50 hours?
How much time have you spenton a friendship if you're feeling
like you don't have many friendships?
50 hours, people.
That's not a small number.
(10:49):
Then it says to move fromacquaintance to casual friend was
50.
About 90 hours to move fromcasual friend to friend and more
than 200 hours to qualify as abest friend.
T says this begs the questionwith the people you consider your
most intimate friends.
How many hours have you logged?
That impromptu trip to themall that lasted a couple hours.
(11:10):
That's 1% of an intimaterelationship logged.
Cooking out in your backyard.
That stands an entire summer afternoon.
You've just racked up 3% of aride or die friendship.
And she says that's a good 25.
Okay.
My guess is that the reasonyou feel close to certain people
is that you have faithfullyput in a time together.
Any guesses as to where youfind that kind of time?
(11:30):
When we're all too busy for friendships.
Yep.
Meal time while you'reprepping, cooking, eating and cleaning
up food.
And so you guys, here's the thing.
If you're struggling to havemore friendships or any friendships,
it takes time.
It takes being intentional,and then it takes asking people to
(11:52):
do things.
That can be if your kids areyounger, it can be when you're having
your child's having a friend over.
Invite the mom to stay andhave coffee with you, but get to
know the person.
If you've gotten to knowsomebody already, invite them to
do something else or something more.
Maybe you're really excited totry this new workout class or a pottery
class.
(12:13):
Invite a few ladies.
Not everybody will say yes,but someone will guess what.
You'll get to know them alittle bit better.
Keep asking, keep acceptingother people's invitations and keep
showing up.
For people like Jennyexplains, friendship and relationships
take work and they take beinginconvenienced, meaning you're going
(12:34):
to use your time to commit tospending it with someone else, whether
it's what you fully want to door not.
Because you are developing arelationship, you are deepening a
relationship, and it is worthevery second you will spend with
them.
Now, it's true, sometimesrelationships or friendships or your
(12:57):
romantic partner, they end.
But we hopefully learned alongthe way something that we will then
use when we develop new relationships.
Sometimes our best friendmoves away and we rarely see her.
Well, we're going to need tomake other friends, right, that live
in proximity.
Because while it's great tohave a best friend that lives across
the country, they can't dropeverything and come over and help
(13:19):
Us or watch our sick kid whenwe have to go somewhere if we cannot
cancel.
So.
So we need people we can relyon for everyday life, but also for
crisis time.
And so it is so important toput the time in now.
Don't say, I will do it oneday when.
I will do it one day when.
When my kids are grown.
I will do it one day when mywork isn't so crazy.
(13:42):
I will do it one day when Ihave more time.
I will do it one day when.
That is not an answer.
You need to start today.
You need to start today toinvest in the people around you or
to invest in finding new people.
So many of us don't have thesedeep relationships, and that's okay
(14:03):
for now, but we've got to try.
We've got to work at it.
And I would also say to you,this is true with your family relationships.
And let me tell you, I have agirls lunch scheduled for next Sunday.
We scheduled it over a monthago, and it.
It took us about 35 texts toget to that date that all of us.
(14:26):
I think there was nine of usthat we were all able to do.
It takes effort.
It takes coordinating.
My siblings and I are planningto get together in April because
three of my siblings havebirthdays that month.
And with everybody'svacations, it seems that at least
two of my siblings haveseveral vacations that month with,
(14:47):
like, longer vacations.
And then one of my siblingshad something almost every Saturday
night.
We have our son's high schoolsoccer, which is during the week
and on Friday nights.
So it literally took quite afew texts back and forth.
And we literally can't find adate to get together until April
27th.
And one of my siblings is fromout of town.
(15:08):
My point is, one, you have tobe proactive.
And it is March, and we cannotget together for about five weeks.
So you have to send theinvitation, let's get together.
Let's not let too much time pass.
What works?
Coordinating, right when youcan get together.
And then we had to make ithappen, right?
(15:31):
We had to all commit to, yes,we will be there that day because
this is the only date thatworked for everybody.
So that was what friendships take.
Sometimes it's, you know what?
I'm going to skip my skip spinclass, so I can go meet you for dinner
or I can come help you foldyour laundry, or I will come right
after spin class in my sweaty,gross clothes.
(15:52):
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like, put in the time, thinkof people, and don't just have the
thought go and take action, right?
Drop something off at afriend's house, right?
It could be just flowers fromyour backyard, a sweet note, whatever
it might be, but it takesbeing intentional.
I have so many stories abouthow I have made new friends as an
(16:13):
adult and then how otherfriends have invited a friend into
some of our circles and nowthat person's my friend, maybe not
my closest friend because Idon't know them well as well.
I haven't clocked all thehours, but it's a new friend.
So how can you make new friends?
How's it.
What's a couple tangible ways?
Well, when my kids wereyounger, it was connecting with the
(16:35):
other moms, right?
Like somebody saying let's allget together and have a play date
together.
Moms and kids that was gettingto know each other.
It was asking the women in myneighborhood that live near me in
proximity who is free andwants to go on a walk weekly.
I send out a text and says, isanybody free to go on a walk tonight?
It's a beautiful 70 degreenight and it's now light till seven,
(16:59):
so at least one of mygirlfriends is able to walk tonight.
Some of them are busy.
So it's the continual askasking, it's a continual accepting.
And I get it, we're not goingto be able to say yes to everything,
nor should we.
But we should be intentionalwith our time.
And I hope that you can lookat your calendar, you can look at
(17:20):
your schedule and be honestwith yourself and say, how much time
am I committing to myrelationships each week, each month
and each year.
And if you look at thatcalendar and what scheduled is for
everyone else and it is forwork and for other people's commitments,
(17:41):
then you are going to need towrite down how would you like that
to change?
Because I can promise yourelationships and building and strengthening
and growing or developing newrelationships should be one of your
top priorities.
Just like most of us have thegoal of deepening our faith, getting
(18:01):
the word more, we want to putrelationships, having healthy relationships
at the top of that list.
And so you need to startsaying, am I having quality time
with my spouse?
If you're married, am Igetting time in with my children?
If you have children, am Imaking time for friendships, right,
(18:23):
to blossom or to deepen?
And if you're not, you need tostart deep because like I said, the
data is there.
It shows that we're healthierwhen we have strong friendships.
It shows that we know we havepeople to count on.
People have know they cancount on us.
It's much like Jenny Allensaid I shared last episode.
(18:45):
We need to facilitate connection.
We need to keep knocking on doors.
We need to stop putting upboundaries around all our relationships
because the in real liferelationships are the ones that matter.
Online friendships is fine.
That can be a toxic place.
Most of us when we spend moretime there, we're actually more depressed
(19:06):
and feel more lonely.
So get off your, you know,scrolling whatever social you're
on, step outside, take a walkand invite someone to go with you.
Promise it matters.
It's another way to meet friends.
Is something you've alwayswanted to do.
Go do it, invite a friend orjust meet a new friend there.
(19:28):
You're not going to becomebest buddies overnight with someone.
If you've wanted to take acooking class, go sign up.
You wanted to take a paint andsip class, go sign up.
Whether it's yourself or you,invite friends.
Promise.
When you're willing to getvulnerable and do something that
you want to do, you don't.
Don't let fear or worry abouthow people what people think.
(19:51):
If you're by yourself, itmakes all the difference.
I have eaten meals by myselfwhen I happen to go out of town for
a conference where I don'tknow anybody.
I was just in D.C.
last week by myself.
I went to event where I didn'tknow a single person.
You know, I met the people atmy table and that sort of thing.
But I still was eating bymyself some because I went without
(20:12):
a friend or my husband.
And so once again I've gottencomfortable doing things by myself.
But then I'll say to somebody,oh, do you want to go walk with me
over to check out this place?
Or I'll meet you back here.
After I went to go explore andwalk around for the evening event
that night but I've gottencomfortable putting myself out there.
(20:35):
So if you go to a like sign upfor the thing by yourself or if you
have like good friends, askwho can come.
Either way it's okay.
You can make good things, makenew friends through connections of
interests, right?
So whether it's you guys liketo both go on walks, whether you
like music and you're going toa concert, maybe you both have kids
(20:56):
with similar ages or maybeyou're newly singled or you're both
married, whatever it might be,find a commonality and just strike
up a conversation with someone.
It's easier than you think.
People actually want to beinvited to things.
They want friendships, butthey're like you, they are afraid
(21:16):
to be the one to initiate andthen to be shot down, you guys, it's
the same as dating.
It doesn't make it easy,especially maybe as you get older.
I'm married, so I obviouslyhaven't dated in a super long time,
right?
Decades.
But it's the same thing.
We have to be willing to putourselves out there if we're going
to meet someone new.
It's the same with relationships.
(21:38):
And we can't expect ourcurrent relationships to grow deeper
if we don't put in more time.
In other words, what you didin the past with a best friend or
a spouse, you can't assumethat that's just gonna like be good
forever, right?
If we didn't pay any attentionto our spouse in the future, because
we already did in the past,going to guess that things aren't
(21:59):
going to improve.
They're either going to getstagnant or they might actually kind
of start falling apart.
Well, it's the same with friendships.
We can still have friendships,but if we want them to deepen, if
we want them to become a bestfriend, we have to keep putting in
time.
You know, there might be aseason or two where you have to do
less or you're going through adifficult time, maybe a diagnosis,
(22:22):
but you still have tocommunicate with each other, right?
Maybe you can't always be intogether in person.
So today's episode is allabout friendship and it's really
about being brave.
It's about putting yourselfout there.
It's about investing your timeand resources in other people and
knowing that you andrelationships should be a priority,
(22:46):
a top priority in your life.
Because it's people, it'srelationships and connections that
make our lives better and richer.
Who wants to go through lifeon our own?
I mean, no one to celebratewith or no one to like just say,
like, I'm just struggling.
We need people so we can dolife with other people.
(23:10):
And if you are in a intimaterelationship, that, that is a wonderful
and lovely and good thing.
But it does not necessarilyreplace same sex friendships.
And I say that because what myhusband and I talk about or how deep
he'll go on certain topics isnot the same as sometimes girlfriends
(23:32):
like our talk, right?
Women tend to want to dig intoa lot of us, at least things longer.
We want to talk longer out oraround something silly.
But we can get really serious.
And deep in my husband and I, right?
He wants to sort of get to theroot of something or he just wants
to hear it and be like, okay,I heard you.
(23:52):
And so I think most of us needmore than one type of relationship,
you know what I'm saying?
And so I think if we have theone, it does not exclude that the
other one should also, weshould also try to develop the other
one.
And so until next time, I hopeyou have a great week.
I hope this three part serieshas really opened your eyes and given
(24:14):
you some more food for thought.
I hope it lets you just havethe bravery to open yourself up to
deepening relationships, tonew relationships, to being parts,
part of new communities, tobeing vulnerable and to know that
(24:36):
not I'm sorry, that if youfeel alone, if you feel isolated,
if you feel, you know, justworn down, you are not alone.
So many of us are strugglingwith these things.
The way that we get lifted upis by lifting others up.
And the way that we get liftedup is by showing up, show up in the
(24:57):
room, show up in church, showup at the event, try something new,
extend the invitation, bringsomething else to somebody, let them
know, hey, I saw you or youknow, I really saw you had this beautiful
color on the other day.
I loved that on you.
You know, I was thinking ofyou when I saw these flowers that
are the same color you werewearing and I decided just to drop
(25:19):
them on your porch, whateverit is.
Really what we're talkingabout is being open hearted and showing
up to love our neighbors likewe love ourselves, showing up in
kindness and showing up toopen our homes and our hearts.
So friends, until next time,hope you have a great week and also
(25:41):
I would love to hear from youhas have these episodes helped you
put yourself out there todeepen relationships, to make a new
friend in the coming weeks?
I'd love to hear from you.
So drop me a line either atKristen Fitch on Instagram or you
can email me through my website.
(30:28):
Thanks again for listening tothe show and if you enjoyed today's
episode, we would love it ifyou could take a minute to leave
a rating and review on Applepodcast because it helps our show
get discovered by more people.
Hey friends and welcome back.
Welcome to part three ofBuilding Community.
Today we're going to talkabout friendship.
How do we make friends asadults and how do we build and nurture
and develop deeper friendshipswith the friends we already have?
Hey friend, are you cravingdeeper faith, renewed purpose and
more joy in your everyday life?
Welcome to Faithfield Womanpodcast that helps Christian women
(00:23):
grow spiritually, pursue God'scalling and embrace the abundant
life he has for you.
I'm Kristen, an encourager,mentor, entrepreneur, wife and mom
here to uplift, equip andinspire you with faith filled conversations
and biblical wisdom.
Subscribe now so you nevermiss an episode and join our faith
fueled community for more encouragement.
(00:44):
And I would first want tostart off with sharing a little bit
of Find your people by JennyAllen, which I've referenced and
shared a little bit from before.
But she basically starts thebook and says, well, we aren't supposed
to be this lonely.
And she says, I imagine ifyou're here, you're here because
you feel it too.
This, that sinking feelingthat you aren't seen, you aren't
(01:06):
known, you are on your own toface whatever difficult thing life
is throwing at you.
She says, I get it.
But I'm convinced thatfeeling, that feeling is rooted in
a big fat lie.
A lie that threatens to pullyou and me into a dark place unless
we can learn how to fight back.
And then she goes on and saysshe basically has this feeling like
I am all alone.
(01:26):
And she says the ache ofloneliness is real and it's haunting
us.
And she explains that she hasthis vivid nightmare, right about
basically everybody aroundher, like quitting on her, backstabbing
her, all these things.
It's basically like thisserious betrayal dream.
And she says, why am I tellingyou this?
Because on some deep level,being alone is a fear we all share.
(01:48):
Maybe you're experiencingloneliness right now.
Maybe you had people and theyquit you.
Or maybe you've never trulyhad your people.
Or maybe you have them, buteven when you're with them, you feel
distant and unseen.
Friends, this episode is goingto be all about friendship.
How do we develop it and howdo we become the people that are
(02:08):
brave enough to make new friends?
Okay?
And she said, we don't justwant to be seen.
We want to tell a friend or aloved one about our disappointments
and hopes and find comfort as well.
We want to be seen andcomforted and we want to be safe.
But we aren't always safe.
And let's see if there'sanything right here.
I want to share.
(02:29):
Basically, though, it's this.
We need each other, we needpeople to do life with.
And so I just want to sharewhy it's so important that we keep
trying, right?
That we keep going and that wekeep putting the effort forth.
All right?
Because as I shared in thepast, in this series, in the prior
(02:52):
episodes, loneliness, right?
Like keeping loneliness, beingmore isolated, not having deep, meaningful
relationships.
And that can be with just oneperson or several people, not tons
of people.
We do not.
We are not as satisfied orfulfilled in life.
If we don't have people to dolife with, we may not live as long,
(03:13):
right?
Because it has real health consequences.
And so friendship, communityis so important.
It is literally one of thecornerstones of good health.
So mental and physical health.
Because what's in our head,what we think, what we feel impacts
(03:33):
our health, it impacts our genes.
Because that it's basicallythe science of epigenetics, what
we think, the environment inour mind, right?
So the more negative, the moredown we feel, the more depressed,
isolated, alone.
It will actually turn on geneexpression versus if we're more positive,
(03:55):
we connect with people, wefeel fulfilled, we feel seen and
heard and loved.
We understand that there's areal connection to God.
When we have those things inour head, most of the time different
gene expression is turned on.
And so this matters.
It really does matter for alifetime and beyond.
And so this is why I want totalk about it.
(04:17):
And it's also because I'lltalk to a lot of people and I also
have fairly decent sizegroups, right, of friend groups.
So all different levels offriends, like my closest friends,
my good friends, my longestterm friends that I don't see very
often.
And then I have acquaintancefriends and groups.
And then lots of people thatwe know, right, from sports and the
(04:43):
kids growing up, you know,neighbors, that sort of thing.
So I in besides having thepodcast and other things.
So I've talked to plenty ofpeople, I talk to plenty of women,
women I've just met and thenwomen that I've known for a long
time.
And the struggle is real.
A lot of people, men and women.
But I'm going to more speakfrom the context of women here.
(05:05):
They struggle to have deep,meaningful friendships with other
women in their lives.
Now, of course, I have plentyof close friendships, and because
I've taught, I just said that.
But I talk to people all thetime that do not either.
They had friends and they justkind of went away.
You know, they moved things.
(05:27):
Life, seasons changed, maybethere was a disagreement that they
Couldn't get past or didn'tknow how to get past someone, couldn't
forgive someone.
Go.
You can go on and on.
The list is long.
But what I've found is thereis a real challenge for people with
knowing how to start afriendship, right?
(05:47):
Like, how do you even asksomebody for the first time, much
like going out on a date,like, for a friendship, how do you
know if this person is a fitto be somebody that you want to hang
out with, you know, a little bit?
Because you really won't knowif they'll become a close friend
until you put in a ton of timeand had more experiences with them.
And so I do want to share withyou a little bit more of Jenny Allen's
(06:11):
book because it really takeseffort, but it's so worth it, right,
to have friendships.
And so she's saying in thepart of her book called Committed,
she's saying basically we haveto choose inconvenience.
She says, but the challengebefore us is deeper than just conflict
resolution.
It's choosing to prioritizeeach other again and again, committing
(06:34):
consistent time day in, day out.
Sometimes that means we gethurt, and sometimes it means we're
simply inconvenienced.
Throughout history, mostpeople stuck together because they
were literally stuck togetherfor the entirety of their lives,
no less.
You live in an Italian villageof 50 people, get a fight, tough.
You're at the only.
You are the only littleItalian grocer owned by the person
(06:56):
you're fighting with the nextday, picking up carrots, pasta and
biscuit cookie thingies.
But these days, too many of usare experts at quitting each other.
And most of us can figure outa way to hide from everyone while
we do it.
What I'm calling you, callingyou to instead, he says, what Paul
was calling us to, what God iscalling us to, is a wholly different
(07:16):
supernatural mindset that isguarded, supplied, and filled with
Christ Jesus.
He is the way we think,relate, speak, reconcile, forgive,
and love.
Because we've been given suchabundance, we give away our abundance.
This is our story.
This is how we live out the gospel.
And so she then goes and says,we choose to be inconvenienced for
(07:36):
the sake of each other.
If you think about it,friendship, all relationships really
is a giant inconvenience, atleast if we're doing it right.
And the inconvenience chosenagain and again changes us, wakes
us up, makes us laugh and loveand hope and dream.
Yeah, the intertwining my lifewith other people is inconvenient.
But I'll take that kind oftrouble again and again over to ease
(07:59):
and to ease an emptiness oftrying to go it alone, to leave behind
our loneliness and enjoy thereward of community.
We have to keep showing up,keep being vulnerable, keep coming
to the table, be together,work together, and share life together
over and over again.
Then one day we look up andrealize our friendships have grown
deep.
(08:21):
So here's what I love.
She then goes on and sharessome data, some research on basically
what it looks like to growfriendships and the different levels
of friendship.
And let's see.
So then I just want to sharethis little excerpt and then I'll
go on and show you, share someof that data.
She says one reason it's sohard to have good friends is that
(08:42):
getting something on thecalendar takes so much work.
She first, put something regular.
So first put something regularon your calendar.
It takes the work out of this.
Schedule it like I did with myfriends in Austin.
Pick the time and place whereyou all show up.
Second, once you've found yourclose people, break all the rules
on how you spend your time together.
Is it purposely leave thehouse a mess?
Invite someone to your dinnerparty an hour early to help you prep,
(09:04):
or ask them to stay late andhelp you clean up.
Leave your laundry out on thecouch and ask them to help you fold.
Ask if they'll pick your kidsup on their way over.
Borrow the ingredient youforgot instead of running to the
store to buy it.
Bother someone to run anerrand for you or with you, I should
say, stop by someone's house unannounced.
Bring someone a meal without warning.
Ask to borrow clothes for aspecial event instead of shopping
(09:25):
for a new dress.
Ask someone to help you cleanyour closet.
You get the point.
Okay, so anyways.
She then says that she's.
She shares research fromUniversity of Oxford evolutionary
psychologist Robin Dunbar.
He basically looks at thetypes of people in our lives and
(09:47):
they fall into acquaintances.
Casual friends, friends, goodfriends, and intimate friends.
And he puts numbers to these categories.
So let's take a look at this.
So basically means how muchtime do we have to invest to take
people on these differentlevels of.
What do you call it?
(10:08):
Levels of friendship.
Okay, let me see if I can findthe data.
I'm not seeing it all of a sudden.
Okay.
So it says.
Okay, sorry.
So she said.
Inspired by Dunbar's research,university Kansas professor Jeffrey
(10:28):
hall began poking around atthe various relational levels.
And he said it took about 50hours of interaction to move from
acquaintance to casual friend.
Guys, 50 hours?
How much time have you spenton a friendship if you're feeling
like you don't have many friendships?
50 hours, people.
That's not a small number.
(10:49):
Then it says to move fromacquaintance to casual friend was
50.
About 90 hours to move fromcasual friend to friend and more
than 200 hours to qualify as abest friend.
T says this begs the questionwith the people you consider your
most intimate friends.
How many hours have you logged?
That impromptu trip to themall that lasted a couple hours.
(11:10):
That's 1% of an intimaterelationship logged.
Cooking out in your backyard.
That stands an entire summer afternoon.
You've just racked up 3% of aride or die friendship.
And she says that's a good 25.
Okay.
My guess is that the reasonyou feel close to certain people
is that you have faithfullyput in a time together.
Any guesses as to where youfind that kind of time?
(11:30):
When we're all too busy for friendships.
Yep.
Meal time while you'reprepping, cooking, eating and cleaning
up food.
And so you guys, here's the thing.
If you're struggling to havemore friendships or any friendships,
it takes time.
It takes being intentional,and then it takes asking people to
(11:52):
do things.
That can be if your kids areyounger, it can be when you're having
your child's having a friend over.
Invite the mom to stay andhave coffee with you, but get to
know the person.
If you've gotten to knowsomebody already, invite them to
do something else or something more.
Maybe you're really excited totry this new workout class or a pottery
class.
(12:13):
Invite a few ladies.
Not everybody will say yes,but someone will guess what.
You'll get to know them alittle bit better.
Keep asking, keep acceptingother people's invitations and keep
showing up.
For people like Jennyexplains, friendship and relationships
take work and they take beinginconvenienced, meaning you're going
(12:34):
to use your time to commit tospending it with someone else, whether
it's what you fully want to door not.
Because you are developing arelationship, you are deepening a
relationship, and it is worthevery second you will spend with
them.
Now, it's true, sometimesrelationships or friendships or your
(12:57):
romantic partner, they end.
But we hopefully learned alongthe way something that we will then
use when we develop new relationships.
Sometimes our best friendmoves away and we rarely see her.
Well, we're going to need tomake other friends, right, that live
in proximity.
Because while it's great tohave a best friend that lives across
the country, they can't dropeverything and come over and help
(13:19):
Us or watch our sick kid whenwe have to go somewhere if we cannot
cancel.
So.
So we need people we can relyon for everyday life, but also for
crisis time.
And so it is so important toput the time in now.
Don't say, I will do it oneday when.
I will do it one day when.
When my kids are grown.
I will do it one day when mywork isn't so crazy.
(13:42):
I will do it one day when Ihave more time.
I will do it one day when.
That is not an answer.
You need to start today.
You need to start today toinvest in the people around you or
to invest in finding new people.
So many of us don't have thesedeep relationships, and that's okay
(14:03):
for now, but we've got to try.
We've got to work at it.
And I would also say to you,this is true with your family relationships.
And let me tell you, I have agirls lunch scheduled for next Sunday.
We scheduled it over a monthago, and it.
It took us about 35 texts toget to that date that all of us.
(14:26):
I think there was nine of usthat we were all able to do.
It takes effort.
It takes coordinating.
My siblings and I are planningto get together in April because
three of my siblings havebirthdays that month.
And with everybody'svacations, it seems that at least
two of my siblings haveseveral vacations that month with,
(14:47):
like, longer vacations.
And then one of my siblingshad something almost every Saturday
night.
We have our son's high schoolsoccer, which is during the week
and on Friday nights.
So it literally took quite afew texts back and forth.
And we literally can't find adate to get together until April
27th.
And one of my siblings is fromout of town.
(15:08):
My point is, one, you have tobe proactive.
And it is March, and we cannotget together for about five weeks.
So you have to send theinvitation, let's get together.
Let's not let too much time pass.
What works?
Coordinating, right when youcan get together.
And then we had to make ithappen, right?
(15:31):
We had to all commit to, yes,we will be there that day because
this is the only date thatworked for everybody.
So that was what friendships take.
Sometimes it's, you know what?
I'm going to skip my skip spinclass, so I can go meet you for dinner
or I can come help you foldyour laundry, or I will come right
after spin class in my sweaty,gross clothes.
(15:52):
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like, put in the time, thinkof people, and don't just have the
thought go and take action, right?
Drop something off at afriend's house, right?
It could be just flowers fromyour backyard, a sweet note, whatever
it might be, but it takesbeing intentional.
I have so many stories abouthow I have made new friends as an
(16:13):
adult and then how otherfriends have invited a friend into
some of our circles and nowthat person's my friend, maybe not
my closest friend because Idon't know them well as well.
I haven't clocked all thehours, but it's a new friend.
So how can you make new friends?
How's it.
What's a couple tangible ways?
Well, when my kids wereyounger, it was connecting with the
(16:35):
other moms, right?
Like somebody saying let's allget together and have a play date
together.
Moms and kids that was gettingto know each other.
It was asking the women in myneighborhood that live near me in
proximity who is free andwants to go on a walk weekly.
I send out a text and says, isanybody free to go on a walk tonight?
It's a beautiful 70 degreenight and it's now light till seven,
(16:59):
so at least one of mygirlfriends is able to walk tonight.
Some of them are busy.
So it's the continual askasking, it's a continual accepting.
And I get it, we're not goingto be able to say yes to everything,
nor should we.
But we should be intentionalwith our time.
And I hope that you can lookat your calendar, you can look at
(17:20):
your schedule and be honestwith yourself and say, how much time
am I committing to myrelationships each week, each month
and each year.
And if you look at thatcalendar and what scheduled is for
everyone else and it is forwork and for other people's commitments,
(17:41):
then you are going to need towrite down how would you like that
to change?
Because I can promise yourelationships and building and strengthening
and growing or developing newrelationships should be one of your
top priorities.
Just like most of us have thegoal of deepening our faith, getting
(18:01):
the word more, we want to putrelationships, having healthy relationships
at the top of that list.
And so you need to startsaying, am I having quality time
with my spouse?
If you're married, am Igetting time in with my children?
If you have children, am Imaking time for friendships, right,
(18:23):
to blossom or to deepen?
And if you're not, you need tostart deep because like I said, the
data is there.
It shows that we're healthierwhen we have strong friendships.
It shows that we know we havepeople to count on.
People have know they cancount on us.
It's much like Jenny Allensaid I shared last episode.
(18:45):
We need to facilitate connection.
We need to keep knocking on doors.
We need to stop putting upboundaries around all our relationships
because the in real liferelationships are the ones that matter.
Online friendships is fine.
That can be a toxic place.
Most of us when we spend moretime there, we're actually more depressed
(19:06):
and feel more lonely.
So get off your, you know,scrolling whatever social you're
on, step outside, take a walkand invite someone to go with you.
Promise it matters.
It's another way to meet friends.
Is something you've alwayswanted to do.
Go do it, invite a friend orjust meet a new friend there.
(19:28):
You're not going to becomebest buddies overnight with someone.
If you've wanted to take acooking class, go sign up.
You wanted to take a paint andsip class, go sign up.
Whether it's yourself or you,invite friends.
Promise.
When you're willing to getvulnerable and do something that
you want to do, you don't.
Don't let fear or worry abouthow people what people think.
(19:51):
If you're by yourself, itmakes all the difference.
I have eaten meals by myselfwhen I happen to go out of town for
a conference where I don'tknow anybody.
I was just in D.C.
last week by myself.
I went to event where I didn'tknow a single person.
You know, I met the people atmy table and that sort of thing.
But I still was eating bymyself some because I went without
(20:12):
a friend or my husband.
And so once again I've gottencomfortable doing things by myself.
But then I'll say to somebody,oh, do you want to go walk with me
over to check out this place?
Or I'll meet you back here.
After I went to go explore andwalk around for the evening event
that night but I've gottencomfortable putting myself out there.
(20:35):
So if you go to a like sign upfor the thing by yourself or if you
have like good friends, askwho can come.
Either way it's okay.
You can make good things, makenew friends through connections of
interests, right?
So whether it's you guys liketo both go on walks, whether you
like music and you're going toa concert, maybe you both have kids
(20:56):
with similar ages or maybeyou're newly singled or you're both
married, whatever it might be,find a commonality and just strike
up a conversation with someone.
It's easier than you think.
People actually want to beinvited to things.
They want friendships, butthey're like you, they are afraid
(21:16):
to be the one to initiate andthen to be shot down, you guys, it's
the same as dating.
It doesn't make it easy,especially maybe as you get older.
I'm married, so I obviouslyhaven't dated in a super long time,
right?
Decades.
But it's the same thing.
We have to be willing to putourselves out there if we're going
to meet someone new.
It's the same with relationships.
(21:38):
And we can't expect ourcurrent relationships to grow deeper
if we don't put in more time.
In other words, what you didin the past with a best friend or
a spouse, you can't assumethat that's just gonna like be good
forever, right?
If we didn't pay any attentionto our spouse in the future, because
we already did in the past,going to guess that things aren't
(21:59):
going to improve.
They're either going to getstagnant or they might actually kind
of start falling apart.
Well, it's the same with friendships.
We can still have friendships,but if we want them to deepen, if
we want them to become a bestfriend, we have to keep putting in
time.
You know, there might be aseason or two where you have to do
less or you're going through adifficult time, maybe a diagnosis,
(22:22):
but you still have tocommunicate with each other, right?
Maybe you can't always be intogether in person.
So today's episode is allabout friendship and it's really
about being brave.
It's about putting yourselfout there.
It's about investing your timeand resources in other people and
knowing that you andrelationships should be a priority,
(22:46):
a top priority in your life.
Because it's people, it'srelationships and connections that
make our lives better and richer.
Who wants to go through lifeon our own?
I mean, no one to celebratewith or no one to like just say,
like, I'm just struggling.
We need people so we can dolife with other people.
(23:10):
And if you are in a intimaterelationship, that, that is a wonderful
and lovely and good thing.
But it does not necessarilyreplace same sex friendships.
And I say that because what myhusband and I talk about or how deep
he'll go on certain topics isnot the same as sometimes girlfriends
(23:32):
like our talk, right?
Women tend to want to dig intoa lot of us, at least things longer.
We want to talk longer out oraround something silly.
But we can get really serious.
And deep in my husband and I, right?
He wants to sort of get to theroot of something or he just wants
to hear it and be like, okay,I heard you.
(23:52):
And so I think most of us needmore than one type of relationship,
you know what I'm saying?
And so I think if we have theone, it does not exclude that the
other one should also, weshould also try to develop the other
one.
And so until next time, I hopeyou have a great week.
I hope this three part serieshas really opened your eyes and given
(24:14):
you some more food for thought.
I hope it lets you just havethe bravery to open yourself up to
deepening relationships, tonew relationships, to being parts,
part of new communities, tobeing vulnerable and to know that
(24:36):
not I'm sorry, that if youfeel alone, if you feel isolated,
if you feel, you know, justworn down, you are not alone.
So many of us are strugglingwith these things.
The way that we get lifted upis by lifting others up.
And the way that we get liftedup is by showing up, show up in the
(24:57):
room, show up in church, showup at the event, try something new,
extend the invitation, bringsomething else to somebody, let them
know, hey, I saw you or youknow, I really saw you had this beautiful
color on the other day.
I loved that on you.
You know, I was thinking ofyou when I saw these flowers that
are the same color you werewearing and I decided just to drop
(25:19):
them on your porch, whateverit is.
Really what we're talkingabout is being open hearted and showing
up to love our neighbors likewe love ourselves, showing up in
kindness and showing up toopen our homes and our hearts.
So friends, until next time,hope you have a great week and also
(25:41):
I would love to hear from youhas have these episodes helped you
put yourself out there todeepen relationships, to make a new
friend in the coming weeks?
I'd love to hear from you.
So drop me a line either atKristen Fitch on Instagram or you
can email me through my website.
(30:28):
Thanks again for listening tothe show and if you enjoyed today's
episode, we would love it ifyou could take a minute to leave
a rating and review on Applepodcast because it helps our show
get discovered by more people.
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