July 16, 2025 • 43 mins
In this heartfelt episode, Kristin Fitch shares five powerful lessons from 26 years of marriage—truths that can help any woman build a stronger, more connected relationship. From daily check-ins to navigating conflict with grace, Kristin opens up about the real, raw, and rewarding journey of staying deeply connected through life’s seasons.
Whether you’ve been married 2 years or 20, this conversation offers faith-filled encouragement and practical wisdom for showing up for your partner, nurturing your bond, and growing together.
Real talk. Real love. Real growth.
Download My Free Joyful Living Devotional: https://kristinfitch.com/devotional
Ready to take your first step towards a more joyful, faith-filled life? Download our Reignite Your Passion Workbook and start living with purpose today!
What to feel more energized in midlife? Grab my 5 Day Energy Reset Jump Start Guide here.
Ready to work with Kristin to make a shift in your life? Click here to get started.
✅ Key Takeaways
- Reconnection takes intention—build in quiet moments to reset together.
- Daily “emotional check-ins” can strengthen understanding and reduce tension.
- You don’t have to agree on everything, but respect and empathy are non-negotiable.
- Time together matters more than perfectly planned date nights.
- Kind words and appreciation go a long way in keeping your marriage rooted in love.
- marriage advice, relationship tips, long-term marriage, reconnecting in marriage, communication in relationships, marriage growth strategies, marriage experiences, couple retreats, energy check-in for couples, daily marriage practices, managing relationship stress, cherishing your spouse, navigating disagreements in marriage, importance of compromise, praying for your spouse, quality time with spouse, overcoming routine in marriage, deepening relationship connections, marriage counseling benefits, navigating parenting and marriage, Christian marriage advice, Marriage after 20 years, Real talk about long-term relationships, How to reconnect in marriage, Faith-based relationship tips, Tips for a thriving marriage, Intentional marriage, Strong marriages over time, Marriage check-in routine, Daily habits for happy couples, Emotional intimacy in marriag,
- Christian women marriage podcast
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey friends, and welcome backto the podcast.
This is your host, Kristen.
Today I'm going to dig into afew of the things I've learned after
being married for 26 yearsthis week.
So whether you are married orwhether you're starting a new relationship,
we hope some of the thingsthat I share may help you or reflect
on your own relationship andwhat we can all do to keep growing
(00:24):
and thriving and justreconnecting in our own relationships.
My husband and I are gettingready to head up into the mountains
and we are going to stay at ahouse up in the mountains for a couple
nights just to get away andreconnect when we don't have all
of our regular dailyobligations, work, you know, taking
(00:46):
care of things around here,making dinner for the, our young
adult sons and things like that.
So that's going to be a greatbreak for us.
And that is one thing I'velearned is that we have to make time,
you know, here and there toreconnect and kind of get out of
our routine.
But today I'm hoping to sharewith you, I guess, about five things
(01:08):
that I've learned and that Ithink have allowed us to keep strengthening
our marriage.
And I do want to say with thatit does not mean that we don't have,
you know, frustrations or getirritated with each other or so I
remember it like it was yesterday.
Let's see, in 2008, I believeit was, my sister was getting married
(01:31):
and she decided to have herwedding in Nicaragua.
And the reason was, is she wasworking in a, on a three month contract
for the Orphan Network down inNicaragua at an orphanage.
She was going to translate.
And so she decided, right, itwas just going to be for the most
part, immediate family membersfor coming to this wedding.
(01:53):
And as we're talking about thewedding, as I'm talking about the
wedding with my husband, he, Icould just see his face.
He looked really kind of like,wait, Nicaragua.
And he just kept looking atme, you know, kind of stressed or
strangely.
And so as we're talking aboutthis, you know, I'm just assuming
I'm going to go to this wedding.
(02:14):
It's my sister's wedding, myonly sister and I have three brothers.
And so he's kind of like, I, Idon't know, I don't think you should
go to Nicaragua.
And you know, it's not safe, it's.
That sounds dangerous.
And we had three sons.
We have three sons.
But at the time they werepretty young.
I don't remember the exact ages.
Well, let's see.
So I mean, they would havebeen like 2, 4 and 6 or somewhere
(02:37):
in there.
And so we start talking aboutthis and he does doesn't want me
to go and I want to go, right?
And I'm thinking from myperspective, it's my sister, I'm
not missing her wedding nomatter where it was in the world.
And my husband's thinking,this doesn't sound safe.
And so we were at a crossroadsand we were pretty frustrated with
(02:58):
each other because neither ofus wanted to compromise in this case
and you know, align with the other.
But it was, it was for twodifferent reasons, right?
He was coming from a place ofconcern and worrying about my safety
and I was coming from a placeof wanting to be there for my sister
(03:20):
and to participate in her marriage.
And so anyways, as we talkedthrough it, one of the questions
I asked, whether it was theright or wrong question, I don't
know.
This was, you know, a whileago, was if I go, are you gonna hold
this against me?
You know, like, are you goingto be resentful of me?
(03:42):
And then I thought the same, Iasked myself the same question about
if I didn't go.
And his response was, no, no,I'm not going to be upset with you.
I'm not going to resent you orhold that against you.
I, I am just worried, right?
Like, I'm just worried if thisis a good idea.
(04:04):
And then I said, well, I'mafraid if I don't go because of your.
You're afraid for me to go,that I am going to resent this decision.
Like it might, it might, insome way I might hold it against
him.
Right.
At least then.
I mean, I'm not saying Icouldn't have gotten over it, but.
So as we talked through, wasdetermined I was going to go to the
(04:26):
wedding, he was going to stayhome with the kids.
And we checked, you know, theadvisory for Nicaragua, where I'd
be in, where we're staying,where my family was staying, and
so made him feel better.
And then I was traveling downthere with one of my brothers.
And then my dad and momseparately were traveling down as
well, but they were on thesame flight with us.
(04:46):
My parents were divorced atthat point and they're both remarried.
But my point is, I had themost beautiful experience being there
with my sister and my mom, twoof my brothers, my dad and then my
brother in law's family, theexperience of helping her go and
get her dress after it wasaltered and getting ready.
(05:07):
And then they had thisbeautiful Ceremony.
It was on this property that,you know, overlooked the mountains
from a, from a point.
But what was even morebeautiful is that they decided her
and her husband to invite allthe orphans that she had been working
with, I think it was about 100kids to the wedding.
And it was, it was just abreathtaking, magical thing to see
(05:32):
these young kids that havemaybe never been to something like
this, right?
A bigger event at this fancy.
I mean they, it wasn't a fancy venue.
It was a.
They made it look, you know,beautiful with all the flowers and
the food and everything.
And they were all blowingbubbles right after they got married
and running around this, theceremony or I mean, the reception.
(05:52):
And it was just one of thoseonce in a lifetime things.
And I was so grateful that Igot to go and experience that and
be part of it.
But I would have missed thatif my husband and I had not been
able to.
Even though it was a hardconversation and it was only hard
because we didn't have thesame opinion about something.
(06:14):
I could have missed thatexperience and he could have missed
like telling me why he was notwanting me to go.
Right.
And so that's just one exampleof what it looks like in marriage,
right.
There's a lot of compromisesor there's a lot of give and take.
There are times where we mightnot like the decision, right, that
(06:39):
we come to.
You know, we may not bothagree on the decision, but at some
point a decision has to be made.
There's other times wherewe're going to have to compromise,
right, in a marriage and thereare times where we're probably going
to upset each other whether wemeant to or not, right.
Sometimes we say things and itcan hurt the other person or sometimes
the tone is just wrong and itcomes across wrong.
(07:01):
Or sometimes both of us or youknow, whomever's in a marriage are
so worn out from the day orwhat's gone on and the stress is
getting higher, then we can beshort tempered with each other.
And actually I want to share aidea or a tip with you that I heard
from Brene Brown that I thinkis a fantastic idea that we can use
(07:27):
when, you know, for the mostpart, I'm calling it a daily energy
check in.
She talks about how she'sbasically when her and her, I believe
it's her husband come homefrom the day, right, when they've
been gone, they come home,they say they kind of quantify where
they're at.
And so.
But basically what it is isthis when you come home from the
(07:48):
day or one of you is cominghome, you know, you might both work
outside or one of you might behome or work remote or whatever,
but when you come home, soyou're both together, you're at the
house, or it could be on theweekends, but you just do an energy
check in.
And what it is, is you leteach other know, hey, what's your
level at?
(08:08):
And it's 0 to 100.
And the level that you'retelling your spouse is what is your
energy, Your ability toinvest, right.
And the rest of the eveningand us and like, what we need to
get done here.
Your level of ability to bekind and to have patience.
Right?
So it's basically like, areyou near, like filling your mat?
(08:32):
Like, like your max for the day?
Like you don't have anythingelse left to give or you have a lot
left to give, right?
And so you basically bothshare a number.
Like, oh, I, I have, I'm, I'mat 80, meaning that I'm still pretty
full.
Or you might say, I'm at.
I only have 10 left.
I have 20 left.
And so the idea is once youget the number, if the number is
(08:54):
below under 100 combined, thenthis is what, what Brene Brown says.
She says, we know we have tosit down at the table anytime we
are under 100 combined andcome up with a kindness plan towards
each other so we don't hurteach other.
And this is an amazing idea.
And I've only, I only knewabout this in the last year, so this
is not something I've beendoing in my marriage for forever,
(09:17):
but I have done this a little bit.
It has not become a dailypractice for us, although I'd like
it to.
But what she basically says islike, she might say, I'm sorry, she
might say, I got 20.
And her husband might say,I'll cover you, I'll pull the 80.
But why this is so amazing isthis daily check in allows you to
(09:38):
give each other grace becauseyou're starting off before 30 minutes
or an hour pass and you don'tknow that your significant other
is almost maxed out, right?
They're almost tapped out.
They're done.
They literally have no mentalenergy, no physical energy left for
anything.
Okay.
So you're also immediatelyable to be aware of the energy levels
(10:02):
and how to navigate those whenyou need, when you might need a different
plan for the night or the weekor the season.
So some examples of this wouldbe you're both worn out in the evening,
right.
And you both know that you'reboth like, I only got like 30 left.
So maybe you order out dinneror heat something from the freezer
up instead of making dinner.
(10:22):
Maybe one of you needs tocancel evening plans so you can recharge.
Maybe you're the one thattypically picks the kids up if your
kids are younger, from practice.
But the other one said theyhad more capacity.
And so they say, you know what?
I'll get the kids tonight.
And so the other one can slowdown or recharge, but I think it's
just a beautiful thing.
(10:43):
And she talks about Marriageis never 50.
50.
Right.
In other words, she's like.
Because there's alwaysdifferent give and takes.
There's different capacitiesthat we're able to handle based on
everything going on in our lives.
And she says, a partner worksbecause you can carry each other.
I think that's so beautiful.
But I think naturally, a lotof marriages do this anyways, but
(11:09):
we do it without maybe usingthese, these.
This language or those numbers.
But I love this because it's areally clear indication.
Whereas there's some nightswhere, when we haven't done this
sort of thing, normally in theevening, my husband and I, our nights
go fine.
You know, we communicate okayand all that, but there are other
(11:31):
times where I say somethingand I think I said it perfectly nice
and I was coming from a placeof love.
And it is taken differently.
Right.
Maybe my tone was differentthan I realized, but if we had started
out with this conversation,this check in, then I might have
found out that my husband hada really stressful day before we've
even gotten into kind of howour days were.
(11:53):
And I could realize that maybeI needed to not say that or hold
off or wait till he had moredowntime because he had a really
busy, stressful day.
So I think it is a really goodidea to.
To do something like this inour marriages because it helps us
know where each other's atbefore there's a chance to miscommunicate
(12:17):
or a chance that the person'sgoing to bubble over.
Right.
And it come out at us, if you will.
So I love that idea, and I didwant to share that with you because
I think that's a great tool toput in our toolboxes if we're not
doing something like that.
Okay, so what else about marriage?
Well, I think the.
The first thing is in thisstudies talk about this, but I also
(12:38):
find it true when, if you wantto keep strengthening your marriage,
we have to cherish each otherand then show each other respect
and that may be selfexplanatory, but it's just, you know,
keep telling your spouse andshowing your spouse that you're picking
them and that you, you reallydo appreciate them and you appreciate
(13:01):
the things they do, right?
But show them that they trulymatter to you.
Right?
So that could be small thingslike giving each other a hug or,
you know, a kiss.
It can be doing kind thingsfor each other, but it's, it's continuing
to show them that you're notjust on autopilot with each other,
which is very easy to get intothat habit, which we'll talk about
(13:23):
in a little bit.
Okay.
The next is sometimes it'seasy to start focusing on the one
thing that is frustrating usabout our spouses or they're not
picking up their clothes ortheir, maybe how they talked or,
you know, something.
So what I've found is when Istart getting focused in on something
(13:46):
that's maybe less than ideal,but it's not a big deal.
So we're not talking aboutlike something major.
These are more minor thingsthat I need to remind myself to look
for the good and keepremembering why I love my husband.
And I usually do do that.
But sometimes, right, there'ssomething that'll start bothering
(14:07):
me.
And what I've found is then Ican get really focused in on that
and then it starts makingthings worse, right?
It kind of snowballs and notin a good way.
And so what I found is if Istart reminding myself, like, oh
my gosh, like, look, he justspent, like, for instance, this Sunday,
he just spent six hourshelping our youngest son put a new
(14:28):
car play radio, slash, backupcamera in his car.
But, you know, they had to doall the wiring and everything.
And they've never done this before.
But like, seeing that and howmuch he's willing to invest in helping
me and our sons and then allof our family members, extended family
members, on Saturday, he justput in a garden irrigation system
(14:51):
into all of our raised beds, right?
So he is always willing to dothings for each other.
So, you know, I need to startfocusing on all the good he's doing
and be reminded that that'sone of the ways that he's showing
his love.
And so that's the other thingI'd say is just like, look for the
good, don't focus on the bad.
Because as the saying goes,what you look for, you will see,
(15:14):
you will find proof of it.
So we can either choose tolook for the things that we.
We can either look towards thelittle things or look for complaints
and we're going to then complain.
Or we can look for the upside, right?
We can look for the good.
And I do want to say I have agood marriage.
Obviously, there.
(15:35):
It's always a ebb and a flow.
There's always going to belittle things because two people
being together for, you know,whether it's five years, 10, 20,
30, 40, 50 or more yearsyou're together, that things change.
And so do our daily stresses, right?
Create different environmentwhen we're together or in our home.
(15:55):
So that being said, I.
If you are someone that's in amarriage that's less than ideal,
that there's some realstruggles, some real crisis, some
really big issues or concerns,that is absolutely the time to get
help or find support if youneed it.
(16:17):
And I am definitely notsomebody that's going to tell you
you should stay in a marriageif it's a really bad situation.
Well, I mean, bad at all.
You know.
So just to be clear, this isfor people that are just looking
for some insight into beingmarried or things that, you know,
I've found or lessons thatI've learned in my own specific marriage.
(16:41):
But for anybody that's walkingthrough divorce or has left a really
difficult, bad marriage orrelationship, just know that we see
you.
And that is so hard.
That is not my own story, butthat is so hard.
And just know that all of usthat haven't walked through that
(17:02):
we see how hard that is andthat we just send you all the love
because that is not an easything to walk through and then come
out the other side and justrebuild your life.
And so all the love to you.
Okay, So I think the nextthing is.
And this can be hard forpeople, but we need, for both ourselves,
(17:24):
but also our marriage, we needto get out of our routine sometimes.
And what do I mean by that?
Well, days can become reallymonotonous, right?
Like you work all day or youtake care of the home or do both,
and then you have a littletime with your spouse.
But if you never do anything,like to reconnect or you don't do
(17:46):
something that's fun andlight, sometimes the relationship,
especially as there's morethings going on, right?
Maybe it's a sick parent or adiagnosis or health issues or your
kids are struggling, whateverthere might be going on, if you don't
have those connection points,if you don't have those times to
kind of like let loose or justreally relax without all the obligation,
(18:12):
then it can strain your marriage.
And I'm not saying we haveTime, you know, to do that all the
time.
But there has to be thoseopportunities sometimes.
And of course, when our kidsare tiny or we have an ill parent
that we're caring for orwhatever it might be, we're going
to have less of those opportunities.
And absolutely that is true.
So for instance, some of thethings that my husband and I do to
(18:34):
get out of our regular routineis, is we will go on little bike
rides in the neighborhood andthey're not necessarily very long.
It might be 15 to 30 minutes,but it's just a little break.
And we'll chit chat, you know,on our bikes.
And maybe then we'll come homeand have dinner or we'll go out to
dinner or whatever it might be.
But it's just a.
It's just a little way to, youknow, step out of the house where
(18:58):
we're not having to, you know,do one more thing here in the evening.
But also we'll do other things.
Like we usually for ouranniversary, not always, but we go
away.
So it might be just for a longweek, it's usually for a long weekend.
And when the kids wereyounger, we did not do this every
year.
We did it on some, some of thebigger milestone anniversaries.
(19:19):
But we're going to into themountains this week to stay in a
house, you know, kind oflooking at the panoramic views.
And we're just gonna have fourdays to slow down, do some fun things
that are right near wherewe're staying, get out into nature
and just reconnect.
Right.
We'll bring a game or two forthe evenings and we're gonna sit
and watch the sunset andthings like that.
(19:41):
So.
And then on occasion we'll goto the beach together, maybe meet
friends, maybe ourselves or,you know, well, of course we'll go
out to dinner some, but.
So we do all different typesof things, but it's going to new
places or it's maybe onoccasion trying something new or
going, you know, meeting somenew, newer friends or something.
(20:03):
So I think it's important toget out of routine so that you can
reconnect and that you canconnect in fun and light ways.
I think that's reallyimportant because you've probably
heard the saying like that youcan get in a rut and that can be
about a relationship or aboutjust life and how you're feeling
about your life.
But I think it's importantthat we keep, you know, growing and
(20:28):
stretching ourselves and we dothat in our relationship, in our
own lives by doing new Thingsand then kind of getting out of our
daily routine.
All right.
Oh, actually, and I wanted toshare something with you about that.
Let me see if I can find this.
Hold on one second.
Okay, so there was aninteresting data point that Mark
(20:53):
Batterson shared in his book.
Please.
Sorry.
Thanks.
That was from a research studyor survey.
Excuse me, but it said marriedcouples spend qu.
I'm sorry, they spend.
It was either 24 or 27 minutesin deeper or meaningful conversation.
But that's not per day.
That's per week, you guys.
(21:17):
That is a little teeny, tinybit of time.
And that number's kind ofdepressing, but I can kind of see
it.
Like, there are plenty of dayswhere we're so busy that my husband
and I will catch up a little bit.
But it's not always deep,meaningful, which I'm not saying
it always has to be those kindof conversations.
But my point is that's areally crazy data point, but.
(21:38):
Oh, and he also shared thatpeople absolutely are touching your
phones more than you'retouching your spouses.
So that is definitelysomething I think we all need to
be aware of and make sure weare being present.
We're setting down our phones,we're not getting on our computers
so that we have quality time together.
(21:59):
So I'm not saying you can't dothose things.
You can't get on your screen.
What I'm saying is let's makesure we're present for each other
and we give each other thequality time and then we can go and
get on those things.
I tell my husband all thetime, like if he, if he's on his
phone, which he'll say, well,I haven't been on it all day at work.
Absolutely, I get that.
(22:20):
But sometimes it's just communicating.
Hey, I need to check this real quick.
Or I wanted to kind of, youknow, do a 15 minute catch up on
my phone and then I'm ready tohang out.
Or in other words, just giveeach other an expectation of what
you're doing and make surethat it won't be that you're on something,
you know, the phone, thecomputer, whatever, all night.
(22:41):
But I do much better if Iunderstand a clear, you know, that
there's a, there is aseparation point, right, of like
doing this and then movinginto something else.
So I did want to share withyou because I think that's really
good or important for us tothink about.
Then the other thing that MarkBatterson says in this book that
I think is.
Is worth sharing about thistopic Is this.
(23:04):
He says marriage is one of themost effective ways of combating
our built in selfishness.
Its purpose is not justhappiness, it's holiness.
Marriage is an unconditionalcommitment to an imperfect person.
You vow to love each other forbetter or for worse, for richer or
for poorer.
In sickness and in health.
(23:24):
You switch pronouns from me to we.
If marriage doesn't dismantleour selfishness, God gives some of
us kids fun.
Fact.
The word diaper spelledbackwards is repaid.
When you have children, youstart appreciating your parents,
don't you?
They made more sacrifices likefeeding you in the middle of the
night than you were aware of.
And he just says, what doesany of this have to do with sorry?
(23:47):
He says, marriage is a masterclass in the art of apologizing.
You might as well get good atit because you're.
You'll be doing it the rest ofyour marriage.
The same goes for parenting.
And I just, I think that's sogood because absolutely one of the
things we have to do inmarriage is like admit when we're
wrong, right?
Like, like he said, say we'resorry and mean it.
(24:10):
And not with explanation, butjust like, I'm sorry I made you feel
that way or I'm sorry Isnapped at you.
Right?
Like sometimes we just have toreflect and realize what our part
was in something.
Or that even if we didn'tintend something to be a certain
way, our spouse took it that way.
Right?
(24:30):
We have to acknowledge that it's.
It's not just about one thing.
It's also about how we makeeach other feel.
And on the note about ourphones or looking at other things,
not being fully presentsometimes with our spouse, which,
like I said, I understand, allof us have things to get done, so
(24:51):
we're not going to be fullypresent all the time when we're both
together.
But we do need to be carefulof this.
And I love what Bob Goff saysin his book Undistracted about this.
He says most people hopethey'll find happiness at home, but
the hard truth is they aren'taround long enough to experience
what's already waiting forthem there.
(25:11):
Simple and complicateddistractions take us away from the
people we love.
When this occurs, the resultis both subtle and toxic.
We start to settle forproximity rather than presence with
each other.
Know what I mean?
You will know this ishappening if you only listen for
the highlights on your lovedone's conversation without taking
(25:32):
note of the emotions and bodylanguage that are also present in
the room.
These Distractions are maskedin familiar disguises like career
appointments and promotions.
They invade our homes and comedressed as extracurricular activities,
sports and electronic screens.
They look like business callsand video games and zoom conferences
and television shows incommittees and meetings and sometimes
(25:54):
even churches.
If we want to live moreundistracted lives, we need to get
real and admit that busynessis actually hijacking our joy.
Here's the good news.
We can fix all this just aseasily as we messed it up.
Do this with some urgency, too.
You don't have as much time asyou think you have.
If you fill your days withtrivial stuff, you will look up one
day a year or a decade or ahalf a century and wonder, where
(26:18):
has the time passed?
Don't wait until you're old toask yourself, what have I done with
all this time?
And he's not saying that workand career and appointments and activities
aren't good things.
Right?
What he's saying is, don't letthat overtake your life.
(26:41):
In other words, we have to have.
I know the word balance is aodd one, but we have to have time
and then we have to prioritizeand then be intentional in our relationships.
If we say that being marriedis important, we have to make sure
that we're investing in that relationship.
And that is what he's talking about.
(27:01):
He's saying, don't let us fillall of our hours and then realize
that we never put time intoour marriage, right?
Or into our other relationships.
And so I think it is easy intoday's day and age for this to happen.
But it's because literally thedevices in social media and everything
else, they are literallydesigned to suck us in.
(27:24):
They're designed to keep usholding and looking at that screen.
And I'm as guilty as the next.
I definitely find myselfclicking on my phone too much now.
There's times where I set it down.
And of course, if I'm usuallywith people, if I'm at dinner or
we're having dinner togetheror we're chatting, I absolutely put
my phone away or aside and Iflip it over and I don't have my
(27:46):
ringer on for my text messagesor anything.
So I'm very good at that whenI'm with people.
But when I'm not with people,I do find myself going touching it
more than I should.
Even though I'm not staying onsocial media all the time, I am clicking
around at things and truly I'mwasting time.
So this is something that weall have to be aware of in the day
(28:09):
and age that most of us areliving now, some of you are quite
exceptional and you don't usesocial media and you're not on a
smartphone.
And I commend you because thatis truly a revolutionary act at this
point and I love that.
I don't really know what thisfalls under, but I think an important
(28:31):
aspect of being married andreally putting our marriage, like
putting it first is two things.
And I'm going to talk aboutpraying for our spouse.
And obviously if you're, ifyou can also pray with your spouse,
that is fantastic.
My husband and I havedifferent ways.
We practice faith, same faith.
(28:53):
I mean, we're both Christiansand so that isn't something we do
so much, but absolutely.
I know it's the most so powerful.
But I'm going to talk aboutthat in a minute.
But before I do, I just wantedto mention that sometimes it's not
just like getting out ofroutine and keep cherishing and picking
each other.
We also need to keep seeing,you know, our marriage, seeing our
(29:19):
spouse as this ever changinggift and just be in awe of them.
Right.
Like keep wanting to know moreabout them, to kind of uncover and
discover who they are and whatthey love and, you know, what lights
them up.
And in his book, MarkBatterson, which I already shared
a little bit of.
Please, sorry, thanks.
(29:39):
He says two things or sharestwo things that I want to share with
you about this.
So the first is by MJ Ryanthat he shares and it says, the secret
to love and the sense of joyand gratitude towards all of life
is to see, feel and hear as iffor the first time before the scales
of the habitual clouded thebrilliant blue sky outside your office
window, the tangy juiciness ofan orange or the softness of your
(30:03):
loved one's hands before yougot so used to her kind words, his
musical laughter, that theybecame invisible.
And Mark says, may you fall inlove all over again.
With what?
With everything, with everyone.
And then he shares what Johno' Donoghue said, which is relationships
suffer immense numbing throughthe mechanism of familiarization.
(30:23):
The Nobel laureate GabrielGarcia Marquez once said about his
wife Mercedes, I now know herso well that I haven't the slightest
idea of what she is really like.
What?
You guys, come on now, we havegot to do better than that.
And let's really know what ourspouse's preferences are.
(30:44):
Let's, you know, know whatthey love doing.
And let's do those littlethings that make a big difference.
Let's see.
I'm just Seeing if this was,oh yeah, this last thing I want to
share.
And then he shares in the book.
Every day we change.
(31:04):
Every day we change asindividuals based on our experiences
of that day, said Scott andJill Bolender.
In order to build a growingrelationship as a couple, then we
must make time to dailyreintroduce ourselves to each other.
That idea of dailyintroduction is powerful and it applies
to a thousand things.
And so I think that's so important.
(31:24):
Just like that daily energycheck in, which could be a great
tool for a lot of us alsohaving a daily reintroduction, right?
That's having a little timetogether, catching up on the day,
but not getting stuck insharing the same thing or thinking
that there's nothing new toshare because there's so many new
things to share.
(31:46):
I remember trying this outbefore, but it's, and I don't remember
the acronym now, but it'sbasically have several things that
you, when you kind of get, youhave time to sit together or eat
dinner or whatever it is thatyou're going to do in the evenings.
It's not just a check in,like, oh, how was your day?
Right?
Because it can easy to belike, oh, it was fine, yeah.
(32:08):
Or it is the same as it alwaysis, right.
But we're not getting anydeeper when that happens.
So instead ask like have thecheck in that's like this, what's
something that, what wassomething good that happened to you
today?
Or it can be something good orbad and then what is something new
that you learned or somethinginteresting that you read or listened
(32:31):
to a podcast on?
What's one thing that's beenon your mind?
In other words, go deeper byhaving some check in or some catch
up questions that you guyskind of just go through and answer.
So one of the things that I'llask my husband on a regular basis
is, oh, have you listened toany good podcasts lately, you know,
(32:53):
or heard anything interestingin the podcast you're listening to?
And sometimes he has, haslistened to one that it's really
interesting and I, you know,I'm like, oh, I haven't heard that
yet, you know, and then he'lltell me about it or vice versa.
Now sometimes he listens topodcasts that aren't of interest
to me as much.
He likes a lot of the, likesome comedy ones and while I'm sure
(33:16):
they're good, that's just notmy go to type of thing.
So we're going to havedifferences, right, in marriage and
we don't have to like, and doall the same things.
My husband loves sports, so heplays on adult volleyball and soccer
teams.
I enjoy getting together withmy girlfriends or going paddle boarding,
going on a walk with girlfriends.
So that's all fine and good.
(33:36):
But we do want to make sure weget deeper than just surface level
niceties after we've been gonethe whole day.
So I think that's reallyimportant as well.
Okay.
And then let's.
Let's talk about praying forour spouse for a minute.
I think it's so important, andI can tell you, over the years or
(33:58):
decades, the more I've donethat, I'm not saying I haven't always
prayed for my kids and my spouse.
I have, but there's timeswhere I more specifically prayed
for my spouse.
Right.
Like, not just prayers ofprotection and safety, but, you know,
prayers that I thought maybeis what I was seeing.
Right.
(34:19):
So whatever it might be.
But like, so for instance, Imight have been, you know, praying
to soften his heart aboutsomething or whatever.
And so if you aren't prayingfor your spouse right now, I definitely
encourage you to do that.
And if you need a little helpin that area, there's a lot of really
good books that are like, thePraying Wife.
(34:39):
And then there's even couplesdevotionals that you can get.
And I have lots of those ifyou're looking for a recommendation.
But those are a great place tostart if you're kind of at a loss
for words about, well, how canI go deeper right.
In praying for my spouse?
And the data is reallypowerful for couples that pray together.
(35:02):
They say, I can't remember theexact data point because I haven't
shared it in a year or yearand a half.
But couples that prayregularly together, the percent of
couples that do that, thatstay together, it's.
It's like astronomicalcompared to couples that don't.
So it is a really powerfulthing for your marriage.
Right.
I mean, it's.
It's spiritual, but it's.
(35:24):
It's so much deeper.
It connects you in a differentway on the spiritual realm, but also,
I don't know how to say that,but in a different way.
So I absolutely encourage youto do that.
And I can say it can beuncomfortable if it's both of you
didn't come together where youhad the same prayer practice or that
(35:44):
you are comfortable prayingout loud.
Because I know all sorts of couples.
Some of them pray together,and some of them, they don't really
do it like that, or at leastnot out loud.
I mean, I've done a couple'sBible study before.
That's not typically what we do.
Usually if I do Bible study, Ido it with just other women.
That's more my thing than myhusband's speed.
(36:05):
But once again, we havedifferences and we also have to respect
each other's differences andhow he practices his faith and how
I practice it, because noteverybody is at the exact same place
in their faith journeys, evenif you're married.
Okay, so the last thing as wewrap up that I just want to share
is I think it's just beinghonest with each other, but obviously
(36:29):
doing it in a loving way.
And what I mean by that issometimes we maybe hesitate to share
something.
Maybe it's either because wethink our spouse will get upset,
or when I say upset, I meanlike they'll feel more stressed out
or they'll think that it's acriticism when really you're just
trying to be open.
(36:49):
Right.
And vulnerable with them.
And so I think it's justnavigating those things probably
can be some of the harder things.
Knowing what the stressors arein your own marriage.
Right.
For a lot of people, they canbe financial stressors, they can
be family, like extended family.
That's not the case for us.
But there are people, right,that their strain is some of their
(37:10):
external relationships intheir marriage.
But really it's just like becurious about your spouse.
You keep wanting to make, likemake your relationship stronger.
And if you need to getprofessional help, then you should
get it.
I have so many friends thatwhen they've gone and either individually
(37:31):
or together, went tocounseling or they went to work with
maybe a mentor, they went andtalked to their pastor or priest,
they were able to kind ofrelease some of the things or let
a third party help themnavigate through.
Right.
Something that they werewalking through.
And so that is so important too.
I will say sometimes spouses,especially husbands, tend to be this
(37:56):
way more.
They are hesitant to docounseling because I think they've.
We grow up in a world, aculture that says maybe that that
doesn't look as masculine orit seems weak to go and get therapy.
So we also have to understandthat from that perspective.
And there's other ways to workon our marriage, right?
(38:16):
There's, there's books,there's podcasts.
I follow some people onInstagram, relationship experts or
psychologists, differentpeople, obviously, faith based people
that talk about relationships and.
But I get some really greattidbits from there that I can apply
a strategy or an idea or aperspective to my own marriage.
(38:36):
And it's really powerfulbecause we don't have to change everything
at one time, Right.
We just keep making depositsinto the marriage bank, right into
the marriage relationship.
And those things pay off, youknow, tenfold, if you will.
Oh, actually, I'm going toshare this quote with you as we wrap
(38:58):
up.
Okay.
It's by Pastor.
Let me see if I can find it here.
Char.
It's Pastor Charles Swindle, I believe.
Yes.
And he shares this.
Each day, God deposits 86,400seconds into our bank of time, but
nothing carries over to thenext day.
Spend it well.
(39:18):
And he says, while we oftenthink about wasting time on trivial
matters, perhaps the greatesttragedy is investing it in pursuits
that matter today but willhold little significance in the light
of eternity.
But every day we have anopportunity to invest in our marriage,
invest in our spouse and thepeople we love.
And we just have to be carefulthat the busyness of work and the
(39:43):
busyness of caring for ourhousehold and getting dinner on the
table and doing the laundryand getting to the volunteer thing
or, you know, all the otherthings we do, fitting in time with
other relationships, that itdoesn't fill our entire schedule
so that we don't have anythingleft for our spouses.
And also, some people say, whyis it that our relationship that
(40:07):
should be the most importantto us, does it get the least of us
or the last of what we have left?
And that is so true if wedon't invest the time or if we're
not intentional with our time.
Because Monday through Friday,if you're coming home in the evening,
then you're getting throughdinner, you might have something.
It's true.
(40:27):
It can be really late, and bythen, a lot of us are worn out.
So we do need to make surethat we find time, different days
or at different times of theday or as early as we can on those
nights to invest in each other.
And so I would just encourageyou, if you're not finding that time,
maybe you need to, if yourkids are younger, hire a sitter or
get a friend to come over andwatch the kids so you can just get
(40:49):
a little break or go out backonce the kids fall asleep.
My husband and I go outside aton, and we'll just sit out there.
If, if it's not too hot, we'lldo a fire or the fire pit.
And also, it's about compromising.
But it's compromising to bewith your significant other.
You're doing it out of love.
And what I mean by that is myhusband doesn't he is not as into
(41:13):
being out in nature as I am orhaving a fire or sitting outside,
he feels like, oh, it's reallyhot tonight.
Or I'm just ready to relax andgo watch a show.
So we have to compromise.
He knows I'm going to go outthere with him or without him.
You know, just have a littledowntime, a little time outside,
and he'll come out and sitwith me for at least some of the
(41:35):
time.
So he's doing it because heloves me and because he wants to
spend time with me, notbecause he really wants to be out
there.
Just like there's some nightsI will later in the evening watch
something with him because forhim, that is his decompression time.
It's not so much that we'rehaving time to connect during that
time, but he.
We're doing it together.
And so for him, that stillmakes him feel connected to me, even
(41:58):
though we're not, you know,having a deep conversation.
And so I think these are allthe sort of things it's, it's putting
your spouse.
When I say first, I don't meanthat you don't care for yourself
first.
What I'm saying is you say,it's not only going to be about me.
Just like Mark Batterson saidin his book, you learn to not be
selfish by being married ifyou're someone that's committed to
(42:21):
having a strong and lasting marriage.
So with that, I just want toencourage you.
I hope that you keep workingon loving each other.
Well, if you're in a, youknow, a good marriage, obviously
if that is not your case,then, you know, you need to do what
you need to do to get thesupport or help you need.
(42:41):
But just know that there aregood men and women out there, right.
If you're not married.
But it's, it's really aboutcoming together and finding somebody
that's willing to be ascommitted as you are to living your
life together and showing uptogether and supporting each other.
So I am going to sign off asI'm going to go enjoy.
(43:05):
We're leaving today to go onour trip and I'll definitely be sharing
next week a little bit aboutour trip and just, you know, how
what we did and what we gainedfrom that as far as just having that
downtime.
But I hope you have a greatweekend and I hope you were able
to take something from thisepisode about marriage or relationships
(43:26):
in general, and I hope youhave a great weekend.
Hey friends, and welcome backto the podcast.
This is your host, Kristen.
Today I'm going to dig into afew of the things I've learned after
being married for 26 yearsthis week.
So whether you are married orwhether you're starting a new relationship,
we hope some of the thingsthat I share may help you or reflect
on your own relationship andwhat we can all do to keep growing
(00:24):
and thriving and justreconnecting in our own relationships.
My husband and I are gettingready to head up into the mountains
and we are going to stay at ahouse up in the mountains for a couple
nights just to get away andreconnect when we don't have all
of our regular dailyobligations, work, you know, taking
(00:46):
care of things around here,making dinner for the, our young
adult sons and things like that.
So that's going to be a greatbreak for us.
And that is one thing I'velearned is that we have to make time,
you know, here and there toreconnect and kind of get out of
our routine.
But today I'm hoping to sharewith you, I guess, about five things
(01:08):
that I've learned and that Ithink have allowed us to keep strengthening
our marriage.
And I do want to say with thatit does not mean that we don't have,
you know, frustrations or getirritated with each other or so I
remember it like it was yesterday.
Let's see, in 2008, I believeit was, my sister was getting married
(01:31):
and she decided to have herwedding in Nicaragua.
And the reason was, is she wasworking in a, on a three month contract
for the Orphan Network down inNicaragua at an orphanage.
She was going to translate.
And so she decided, right, itwas just going to be for the most
part, immediate family membersfor coming to this wedding.
(01:53):
And as we're talking about thewedding, as I'm talking about the
wedding with my husband, he, Icould just see his face.
He looked really kind of like,wait, Nicaragua.
And he just kept looking atme, you know, kind of stressed or
strangely.
And so as we're talking aboutthis, you know, I'm just assuming
I'm going to go to this wedding.
(02:14):
It's my sister's wedding, myonly sister and I have three brothers.
And so he's kind of like, I, Idon't know, I don't think you should
go to Nicaragua.
And you know, it's not safe, it's.
That sounds dangerous.
And we had three sons.
We have three sons.
But at the time they werepretty young.
I don't remember the exact ages.
Well, let's see.
So I mean, they would havebeen like 2, 4 and 6 or somewhere
(02:37):
in there.
And so we start talking aboutthis and he does doesn't want me
to go and I want to go, right?
And I'm thinking from myperspective, it's my sister, I'm
not missing her wedding nomatter where it was in the world.
And my husband's thinking,this doesn't sound safe.
And so we were at a crossroadsand we were pretty frustrated with
(02:58):
each other because neither ofus wanted to compromise in this case
and you know, align with the other.
But it was, it was for twodifferent reasons, right?
He was coming from a place ofconcern and worrying about my safety
and I was coming from a placeof wanting to be there for my sister
(03:20):
and to participate in her marriage.
And so anyways, as we talkedthrough it, one of the questions
I asked, whether it was theright or wrong question, I don't
know.
This was, you know, a whileago, was if I go, are you gonna hold
this against me?
You know, like, are you goingto be resentful of me?
(03:42):
And then I thought the same, Iasked myself the same question about
if I didn't go.
And his response was, no, no,I'm not going to be upset with you.
I'm not going to resent you orhold that against you.
I, I am just worried, right?
Like, I'm just worried if thisis a good idea.
(04:04):
And then I said, well, I'mafraid if I don't go because of your.
You're afraid for me to go,that I am going to resent this decision.
Like it might, it might, insome way I might hold it against
him.
Right.
At least then.
I mean, I'm not saying Icouldn't have gotten over it, but.
So as we talked through, wasdetermined I was going to go to the
(04:26):
wedding, he was going to stayhome with the kids.
And we checked, you know, theadvisory for Nicaragua, where I'd
be in, where we're staying,where my family was staying, and
so made him feel better.
And then I was traveling downthere with one of my brothers.
And then my dad and momseparately were traveling down as
well, but they were on thesame flight with us.
(04:46):
My parents were divorced atthat point and they're both remarried.
But my point is, I had themost beautiful experience being there
with my sister and my mom, twoof my brothers, my dad and then my
brother in law's family, theexperience of helping her go and
get her dress after it wasaltered and getting ready.
(05:07):
And then they had thisbeautiful Ceremony.
It was on this property that,you know, overlooked the mountains
from a, from a point.
But what was even morebeautiful is that they decided her
and her husband to invite allthe orphans that she had been working
with, I think it was about 100kids to the wedding.
And it was, it was just abreathtaking, magical thing to see
(05:32):
these young kids that havemaybe never been to something like
this, right?
A bigger event at this fancy.
I mean they, it wasn't a fancy venue.
It was a.
They made it look, you know,beautiful with all the flowers and
the food and everything.
And they were all blowingbubbles right after they got married
and running around this, theceremony or I mean, the reception.
(05:52):
And it was just one of thoseonce in a lifetime things.
And I was so grateful that Igot to go and experience that and
be part of it.
But I would have missed thatif my husband and I had not been
able to.
Even though it was a hardconversation and it was only hard
because we didn't have thesame opinion about something.
(06:14):
I could have missed thatexperience and he could have missed
like telling me why he was notwanting me to go.
Right.
And so that's just one exampleof what it looks like in marriage,
right.
There's a lot of compromisesor there's a lot of give and take.
There are times where we mightnot like the decision, right, that
(06:39):
we come to.
You know, we may not bothagree on the decision, but at some
point a decision has to be made.
There's other times wherewe're going to have to compromise,
right, in a marriage and thereare times where we're probably going
to upset each other whether wemeant to or not, right.
Sometimes we say things and itcan hurt the other person or sometimes
the tone is just wrong and itcomes across wrong.
(07:01):
Or sometimes both of us or youknow, whomever's in a marriage are
so worn out from the day orwhat's gone on and the stress is
getting higher, then we can beshort tempered with each other.
And actually I want to share aidea or a tip with you that I heard
from Brene Brown that I thinkis a fantastic idea that we can use
(07:27):
when, you know, for the mostpart, I'm calling it a daily energy
check in.
She talks about how she'sbasically when her and her, I believe
it's her husband come homefrom the day, right, when they've
been gone, they come home,they say they kind of quantify where
they're at.
And so.
But basically what it is isthis when you come home from the
(07:48):
day or one of you is cominghome, you know, you might both work
outside or one of you might behome or work remote or whatever,
but when you come home, soyou're both together, you're at the
house, or it could be on theweekends, but you just do an energy
check in.
And what it is, is you leteach other know, hey, what's your
level at?
(08:08):
And it's 0 to 100.
And the level that you'retelling your spouse is what is your
energy, Your ability toinvest, right.
And the rest of the eveningand us and like, what we need to
get done here.
Your level of ability to bekind and to have patience.
Right?
So it's basically like, areyou near, like filling your mat?
(08:32):
Like, like your max for the day?
Like you don't have anythingelse left to give or you have a lot
left to give, right?
And so you basically bothshare a number.
Like, oh, I, I have, I'm, I'mat 80, meaning that I'm still pretty
full.
Or you might say, I'm at.
I only have 10 left.
I have 20 left.
And so the idea is once youget the number, if the number is
(08:54):
below under 100 combined, thenthis is what, what Brene Brown says.
She says, we know we have tosit down at the table anytime we
are under 100 combined andcome up with a kindness plan towards
each other so we don't hurteach other.
And this is an amazing idea.
And I've only, I only knewabout this in the last year, so this
is not something I've beendoing in my marriage for forever,
(09:17):
but I have done this a little bit.
It has not become a dailypractice for us, although I'd like
it to.
But what she basically says islike, she might say, I'm sorry, she
might say, I got 20.
And her husband might say,I'll cover you, I'll pull the 80.
But why this is so amazing isthis daily check in allows you to
(09:38):
give each other grace becauseyou're starting off before 30 minutes
or an hour pass and you don'tknow that your significant other
is almost maxed out, right?
They're almost tapped out.
They're done.
They literally have no mentalenergy, no physical energy left for
anything.
Okay.
So you're also immediatelyable to be aware of the energy levels
(10:02):
and how to navigate those whenyou need, when you might need a different
plan for the night or the weekor the season.
So some examples of this wouldbe you're both worn out in the evening,
right.
And you both know that you'reboth like, I only got like 30 left.
So maybe you order out dinneror heat something from the freezer
up instead of making dinner.
(10:22):
Maybe one of you needs tocancel evening plans so you can recharge.
Maybe you're the one thattypically picks the kids up if your
kids are younger, from practice.
But the other one said theyhad more capacity.
And so they say, you know what?
I'll get the kids tonight.
And so the other one can slowdown or recharge, but I think it's
just a beautiful thing.
(10:43):
And she talks about Marriageis never 50.
50.
Right.
In other words, she's like.
Because there's alwaysdifferent give and takes.
There's different capacitiesthat we're able to handle based on
everything going on in our lives.
And she says, a partner worksbecause you can carry each other.
I think that's so beautiful.
But I think naturally, a lotof marriages do this anyways, but
(11:09):
we do it without maybe usingthese, these.
This language or those numbers.
But I love this because it's areally clear indication.
Whereas there's some nightswhere, when we haven't done this
sort of thing, normally in theevening, my husband and I, our nights
go fine.
You know, we communicate okayand all that, but there are other
(11:31):
times where I say somethingand I think I said it perfectly nice
and I was coming from a placeof love.
And it is taken differently.
Right.
Maybe my tone was differentthan I realized, but if we had started
out with this conversation,this check in, then I might have
found out that my husband hada really stressful day before we've
even gotten into kind of howour days were.
(11:53):
And I could realize that maybeI needed to not say that or hold
off or wait till he had moredowntime because he had a really
busy, stressful day.
So I think it is a really goodidea to.
To do something like this inour marriages because it helps us
know where each other's atbefore there's a chance to miscommunicate
(12:17):
or a chance that the person'sgoing to bubble over.
Right.
And it come out at us, if you will.
So I love that idea, and I didwant to share that with you because
I think that's a great tool toput in our toolboxes if we're not
doing something like that.
Okay, so what else about marriage?
Well, I think the.
The first thing is in thisstudies talk about this, but I also
(12:38):
find it true when, if you wantto keep strengthening your marriage,
we have to cherish each otherand then show each other respect
and that may be selfexplanatory, but it's just, you know,
keep telling your spouse andshowing your spouse that you're picking
them and that you, you reallydo appreciate them and you appreciate
(13:01):
the things they do, right?
But show them that they trulymatter to you.
Right?
So that could be small thingslike giving each other a hug or,
you know, a kiss.
It can be doing kind thingsfor each other, but it's, it's continuing
to show them that you're notjust on autopilot with each other,
which is very easy to get intothat habit, which we'll talk about
(13:23):
in a little bit.
Okay.
The next is sometimes it'seasy to start focusing on the one
thing that is frustrating usabout our spouses or they're not
picking up their clothes ortheir, maybe how they talked or,
you know, something.
So what I've found is when Istart getting focused in on something
(13:46):
that's maybe less than ideal,but it's not a big deal.
So we're not talking aboutlike something major.
These are more minor thingsthat I need to remind myself to look
for the good and keepremembering why I love my husband.
And I usually do do that.
But sometimes, right, there'ssomething that'll start bothering
(14:07):
me.
And what I've found is then Ican get really focused in on that
and then it starts makingthings worse, right?
It kind of snowballs and notin a good way.
And so what I found is if Istart reminding myself, like, oh
my gosh, like, look, he justspent, like, for instance, this Sunday,
he just spent six hourshelping our youngest son put a new
(14:28):
car play radio, slash, backupcamera in his car.
But, you know, they had to doall the wiring and everything.
And they've never done this before.
But like, seeing that and howmuch he's willing to invest in helping
me and our sons and then allof our family members, extended family
members, on Saturday, he justput in a garden irrigation system
(14:51):
into all of our raised beds, right?
So he is always willing to dothings for each other.
So, you know, I need to startfocusing on all the good he's doing
and be reminded that that'sone of the ways that he's showing
his love.
And so that's the other thingI'd say is just like, look for the
good, don't focus on the bad.
Because as the saying goes,what you look for, you will see,
(15:14):
you will find proof of it.
So we can either choose tolook for the things that we.
We can either look towards thelittle things or look for complaints
and we're going to then complain.
Or we can look for the upside, right?
We can look for the good.
And I do want to say I have agood marriage.
Obviously, there.
(15:35):
It's always a ebb and a flow.
There's always going to belittle things because two people
being together for, you know,whether it's five years, 10, 20,
30, 40, 50 or more yearsyou're together, that things change.
And so do our daily stresses, right?
Create different environmentwhen we're together or in our home.
(15:55):
So that being said, I.
If you are someone that's in amarriage that's less than ideal,
that there's some realstruggles, some real crisis, some
really big issues or concerns,that is absolutely the time to get
help or find support if youneed it.
(16:17):
And I am definitely notsomebody that's going to tell you
you should stay in a marriageif it's a really bad situation.
Well, I mean, bad at all.
You know.
So just to be clear, this isfor people that are just looking
for some insight into beingmarried or things that, you know,
I've found or lessons thatI've learned in my own specific marriage.
(16:41):
But for anybody that's walkingthrough divorce or has left a really
difficult, bad marriage orrelationship, just know that we see
you.
And that is so hard.
That is not my own story, butthat is so hard.
And just know that all of usthat haven't walked through that
(17:02):
we see how hard that is andthat we just send you all the love
because that is not an easything to walk through and then come
out the other side and justrebuild your life.
And so all the love to you.
Okay, So I think the nextthing is.
And this can be hard forpeople, but we need, for both ourselves,
(17:24):
but also our marriage, we needto get out of our routine sometimes.
And what do I mean by that?
Well, days can become reallymonotonous, right?
Like you work all day or youtake care of the home or do both,
and then you have a littletime with your spouse.
But if you never do anything,like to reconnect or you don't do
(17:46):
something that's fun andlight, sometimes the relationship,
especially as there's morethings going on, right?
Maybe it's a sick parent or adiagnosis or health issues or your
kids are struggling, whateverthere might be going on, if you don't
have those connection points,if you don't have those times to
kind of like let loose or justreally relax without all the obligation,
(18:12):
then it can strain your marriage.
And I'm not saying we haveTime, you know, to do that all the
time.
But there has to be thoseopportunities sometimes.
And of course, when our kidsare tiny or we have an ill parent
that we're caring for orwhatever it might be, we're going
to have less of those opportunities.
And absolutely that is true.
So for instance, some of thethings that my husband and I do to
(18:34):
get out of our regular routineis, is we will go on little bike
rides in the neighborhood andthey're not necessarily very long.
It might be 15 to 30 minutes,but it's just a little break.
And we'll chit chat, you know,on our bikes.
And maybe then we'll come homeand have dinner or we'll go out to
dinner or whatever it might be.
But it's just a.
It's just a little way to, youknow, step out of the house where
(18:58):
we're not having to, you know,do one more thing here in the evening.
But also we'll do other things.
Like we usually for ouranniversary, not always, but we go
away.
So it might be just for a longweek, it's usually for a long weekend.
And when the kids wereyounger, we did not do this every
year.
We did it on some, some of thebigger milestone anniversaries.
(19:19):
But we're going to into themountains this week to stay in a
house, you know, kind oflooking at the panoramic views.
And we're just gonna have fourdays to slow down, do some fun things
that are right near wherewe're staying, get out into nature
and just reconnect.
Right.
We'll bring a game or two forthe evenings and we're gonna sit
and watch the sunset andthings like that.
(19:41):
So.
And then on occasion we'll goto the beach together, maybe meet
friends, maybe ourselves or,you know, well, of course we'll go
out to dinner some, but.
So we do all different typesof things, but it's going to new
places or it's maybe onoccasion trying something new or
going, you know, meeting somenew, newer friends or something.
(20:03):
So I think it's important toget out of routine so that you can
reconnect and that you canconnect in fun and light ways.
I think that's reallyimportant because you've probably
heard the saying like that youcan get in a rut and that can be
about a relationship or aboutjust life and how you're feeling
about your life.
But I think it's importantthat we keep, you know, growing and
(20:28):
stretching ourselves and we dothat in our relationship, in our
own lives by doing new Thingsand then kind of getting out of our
daily routine.
All right.
Oh, actually, and I wanted toshare something with you about that.
Let me see if I can find this.
Hold on one second.
Okay, so there was aninteresting data point that Mark
(20:53):
Batterson shared in his book.
Please.
Sorry.
Thanks.
That was from a research studyor survey.
Excuse me, but it said marriedcouples spend qu.
I'm sorry, they spend.
It was either 24 or 27 minutesin deeper or meaningful conversation.
But that's not per day.
That's per week, you guys.
(21:17):
That is a little teeny, tinybit of time.
And that number's kind ofdepressing, but I can kind of see
it.
Like, there are plenty of dayswhere we're so busy that my husband
and I will catch up a little bit.
But it's not always deep,meaningful, which I'm not saying
it always has to be those kindof conversations.
But my point is that's areally crazy data point, but.
(21:38):
Oh, and he also shared thatpeople absolutely are touching your
phones more than you'retouching your spouses.
So that is definitelysomething I think we all need to
be aware of and make sure weare being present.
We're setting down our phones,we're not getting on our computers
so that we have quality time together.
(21:59):
So I'm not saying you can't dothose things.
You can't get on your screen.
What I'm saying is let's makesure we're present for each other
and we give each other thequality time and then we can go and
get on those things.
I tell my husband all thetime, like if he, if he's on his
phone, which he'll say, well,I haven't been on it all day at work.
Absolutely, I get that.
(22:20):
But sometimes it's just communicating.
Hey, I need to check this real quick.
Or I wanted to kind of, youknow, do a 15 minute catch up on
my phone and then I'm ready tohang out.
Or in other words, just giveeach other an expectation of what
you're doing and make surethat it won't be that you're on something,
you know, the phone, thecomputer, whatever, all night.
(22:41):
But I do much better if Iunderstand a clear, you know, that
there's a, there is aseparation point, right, of like
doing this and then movinginto something else.
So I did want to share withyou because I think that's really
good or important for us tothink about.
Then the other thing that MarkBatterson says in this book that
I think is.
Is worth sharing about thistopic Is this.
(23:04):
He says marriage is one of themost effective ways of combating
our built in selfishness.
Its purpose is not justhappiness, it's holiness.
Marriage is an unconditionalcommitment to an imperfect person.
You vow to love each other forbetter or for worse, for richer or
for poorer.
In sickness and in health.
(23:24):
You switch pronouns from me to we.
If marriage doesn't dismantleour selfishness, God gives some of
us kids fun.
Fact.
The word diaper spelledbackwards is repaid.
When you have children, youstart appreciating your parents,
don't you?
They made more sacrifices likefeeding you in the middle of the
night than you were aware of.
And he just says, what doesany of this have to do with sorry?
(23:47):
He says, marriage is a masterclass in the art of apologizing.
You might as well get good atit because you're.
You'll be doing it the rest ofyour marriage.
The same goes for parenting.
And I just, I think that's sogood because absolutely one of the
things we have to do inmarriage is like admit when we're
wrong, right?
Like, like he said, say we'resorry and mean it.
(24:10):
And not with explanation, butjust like, I'm sorry I made you feel
that way or I'm sorry Isnapped at you.
Right?
Like sometimes we just have toreflect and realize what our part
was in something.
Or that even if we didn'tintend something to be a certain
way, our spouse took it that way.
Right?
(24:30):
We have to acknowledge that it's.
It's not just about one thing.
It's also about how we makeeach other feel.
And on the note about ourphones or looking at other things,
not being fully presentsometimes with our spouse, which,
like I said, I understand, allof us have things to get done, so
(24:51):
we're not going to be fullypresent all the time when we're both
together.
But we do need to be carefulof this.
And I love what Bob Goff saysin his book Undistracted about this.
He says most people hopethey'll find happiness at home, but
the hard truth is they aren'taround long enough to experience
what's already waiting forthem there.
(25:11):
Simple and complicateddistractions take us away from the
people we love.
When this occurs, the resultis both subtle and toxic.
We start to settle forproximity rather than presence with
each other.
Know what I mean?
You will know this ishappening if you only listen for
the highlights on your lovedone's conversation without taking
(25:32):
note of the emotions and bodylanguage that are also present in
the room.
These Distractions are maskedin familiar disguises like career
appointments and promotions.
They invade our homes and comedressed as extracurricular activities,
sports and electronic screens.
They look like business callsand video games and zoom conferences
and television shows incommittees and meetings and sometimes
(25:54):
even churches.
If we want to live moreundistracted lives, we need to get
real and admit that busynessis actually hijacking our joy.
Here's the good news.
We can fix all this just aseasily as we messed it up.
Do this with some urgency, too.
You don't have as much time asyou think you have.
If you fill your days withtrivial stuff, you will look up one
day a year or a decade or ahalf a century and wonder, where
(26:18):
has the time passed?
Don't wait until you're old toask yourself, what have I done with
all this time?
And he's not saying that workand career and appointments and activities
aren't good things.
Right?
What he's saying is, don't letthat overtake your life.
(26:41):
In other words, we have to have.
I know the word balance is aodd one, but we have to have time
and then we have to prioritizeand then be intentional in our relationships.
If we say that being marriedis important, we have to make sure
that we're investing in that relationship.
And that is what he's talking about.
(27:01):
He's saying, don't let us fillall of our hours and then realize
that we never put time intoour marriage, right?
Or into our other relationships.
And so I think it is easy intoday's day and age for this to happen.
But it's because literally thedevices in social media and everything
else, they are literallydesigned to suck us in.
(27:24):
They're designed to keep usholding and looking at that screen.
And I'm as guilty as the next.
I definitely find myselfclicking on my phone too much now.
There's times where I set it down.
And of course, if I'm usuallywith people, if I'm at dinner or
we're having dinner togetheror we're chatting, I absolutely put
my phone away or aside and Iflip it over and I don't have my
(27:46):
ringer on for my text messagesor anything.
So I'm very good at that whenI'm with people.
But when I'm not with people,I do find myself going touching it
more than I should.
Even though I'm not staying onsocial media all the time, I am clicking
around at things and truly I'mwasting time.
So this is something that weall have to be aware of in the day
(28:09):
and age that most of us areliving now, some of you are quite
exceptional and you don't usesocial media and you're not on a
smartphone.
And I commend you because thatis truly a revolutionary act at this
point and I love that.
I don't really know what thisfalls under, but I think an important
(28:31):
aspect of being married andreally putting our marriage, like
putting it first is two things.
And I'm going to talk aboutpraying for our spouse.
And obviously if you're, ifyou can also pray with your spouse,
that is fantastic.
My husband and I havedifferent ways.
We practice faith, same faith.
(28:53):
I mean, we're both Christiansand so that isn't something we do
so much, but absolutely.
I know it's the most so powerful.
But I'm going to talk aboutthat in a minute.
But before I do, I just wantedto mention that sometimes it's not
just like getting out ofroutine and keep cherishing and picking
each other.
We also need to keep seeing,you know, our marriage, seeing our
(29:19):
spouse as this ever changinggift and just be in awe of them.
Right.
Like keep wanting to know moreabout them, to kind of uncover and
discover who they are and whatthey love and, you know, what lights
them up.
And in his book, MarkBatterson, which I already shared
a little bit of.
Please, sorry, thanks.
(29:39):
He says two things or sharestwo things that I want to share with
you about this.
So the first is by MJ Ryanthat he shares and it says, the secret
to love and the sense of joyand gratitude towards all of life
is to see, feel and hear as iffor the first time before the scales
of the habitual clouded thebrilliant blue sky outside your office
window, the tangy juiciness ofan orange or the softness of your
(30:03):
loved one's hands before yougot so used to her kind words, his
musical laughter, that theybecame invisible.
And Mark says, may you fall inlove all over again.
With what?
With everything, with everyone.
And then he shares what Johno' Donoghue said, which is relationships
suffer immense numbing throughthe mechanism of familiarization.
(30:23):
The Nobel laureate GabrielGarcia Marquez once said about his
wife Mercedes, I now know herso well that I haven't the slightest
idea of what she is really like.
What?
You guys, come on now, we havegot to do better than that.
And let's really know what ourspouse's preferences are.
(30:44):
Let's, you know, know whatthey love doing.
And let's do those littlethings that make a big difference.
Let's see.
I'm just Seeing if this was,oh yeah, this last thing I want to
share.
And then he shares in the book.
Every day we change.
(31:04):
Every day we change asindividuals based on our experiences
of that day, said Scott andJill Bolender.
In order to build a growingrelationship as a couple, then we
must make time to dailyreintroduce ourselves to each other.
That idea of dailyintroduction is powerful and it applies
to a thousand things.
And so I think that's so important.
(31:24):
Just like that daily energycheck in, which could be a great
tool for a lot of us alsohaving a daily reintroduction, right?
That's having a little timetogether, catching up on the day,
but not getting stuck insharing the same thing or thinking
that there's nothing new toshare because there's so many new
things to share.
(31:46):
I remember trying this outbefore, but it's, and I don't remember
the acronym now, but it'sbasically have several things that
you, when you kind of get, youhave time to sit together or eat
dinner or whatever it is thatyou're going to do in the evenings.
It's not just a check in,like, oh, how was your day?
Right?
Because it can easy to belike, oh, it was fine, yeah.
(32:08):
Or it is the same as it alwaysis, right.
But we're not getting anydeeper when that happens.
So instead ask like have thecheck in that's like this, what's
something that, what wassomething good that happened to you
today?
Or it can be something good orbad and then what is something new
that you learned or somethinginteresting that you read or listened
(32:31):
to a podcast on?
What's one thing that's beenon your mind?
In other words, go deeper byhaving some check in or some catch
up questions that you guyskind of just go through and answer.
So one of the things that I'llask my husband on a regular basis
is, oh, have you listened toany good podcasts lately, you know,
(32:53):
or heard anything interestingin the podcast you're listening to?
And sometimes he has, haslistened to one that it's really
interesting and I, you know,I'm like, oh, I haven't heard that
yet, you know, and then he'lltell me about it or vice versa.
Now sometimes he listens topodcasts that aren't of interest
to me as much.
He likes a lot of the, likesome comedy ones and while I'm sure
(33:16):
they're good, that's just notmy go to type of thing.
So we're going to havedifferences, right, in marriage and
we don't have to like, and doall the same things.
My husband loves sports, so heplays on adult volleyball and soccer
teams.
I enjoy getting together withmy girlfriends or going paddle boarding,
going on a walk with girlfriends.
So that's all fine and good.
(33:36):
But we do want to make sure weget deeper than just surface level
niceties after we've been gonethe whole day.
So I think that's reallyimportant as well.
Okay.
And then let's.
Let's talk about praying forour spouse for a minute.
I think it's so important, andI can tell you, over the years or
(33:58):
decades, the more I've donethat, I'm not saying I haven't always
prayed for my kids and my spouse.
I have, but there's timeswhere I more specifically prayed
for my spouse.
Right.
Like, not just prayers ofprotection and safety, but, you know,
prayers that I thought maybeis what I was seeing.
Right.
(34:19):
So whatever it might be.
But like, so for instance, Imight have been, you know, praying
to soften his heart aboutsomething or whatever.
And so if you aren't prayingfor your spouse right now, I definitely
encourage you to do that.
And if you need a little helpin that area, there's a lot of really
good books that are like, thePraying Wife.
(34:39):
And then there's even couplesdevotionals that you can get.
And I have lots of those ifyou're looking for a recommendation.
But those are a great place tostart if you're kind of at a loss
for words about, well, how canI go deeper right.
In praying for my spouse?
And the data is reallypowerful for couples that pray together.
(35:02):
They say, I can't remember theexact data point because I haven't
shared it in a year or yearand a half.
But couples that prayregularly together, the percent of
couples that do that, thatstay together, it's.
It's like astronomicalcompared to couples that don't.
So it is a really powerfulthing for your marriage.
Right.
I mean, it's.
It's spiritual, but it's.
(35:24):
It's so much deeper.
It connects you in a differentway on the spiritual realm, but also,
I don't know how to say that,but in a different way.
So I absolutely encourage youto do that.
And I can say it can beuncomfortable if it's both of you
didn't come together where youhad the same prayer practice or that
(35:44):
you are comfortable prayingout loud.
Because I know all sorts of couples.
Some of them pray together,and some of them, they don't really
do it like that, or at leastnot out loud.
I mean, I've done a couple'sBible study before.
That's not typically what we do.
Usually if I do Bible study, Ido it with just other women.
That's more my thing than myhusband's speed.
(36:05):
But once again, we havedifferences and we also have to respect
each other's differences andhow he practices his faith and how
I practice it, because noteverybody is at the exact same place
in their faith journeys, evenif you're married.
Okay, so the last thing as wewrap up that I just want to share
is I think it's just beinghonest with each other, but obviously
(36:29):
doing it in a loving way.
And what I mean by that issometimes we maybe hesitate to share
something.
Maybe it's either because wethink our spouse will get upset,
or when I say upset, I meanlike they'll feel more stressed out
or they'll think that it's acriticism when really you're just
trying to be open.
(36:49):
Right.
And vulnerable with them.
And so I think it's justnavigating those things probably
can be some of the harder things.
Knowing what the stressors arein your own marriage.
Right.
For a lot of people, they canbe financial stressors, they can
be family, like extended family.
That's not the case for us.
But there are people, right,that their strain is some of their
(37:10):
external relationships intheir marriage.
But really it's just like becurious about your spouse.
You keep wanting to make, likemake your relationship stronger.
And if you need to getprofessional help, then you should
get it.
I have so many friends thatwhen they've gone and either individually
(37:31):
or together, went tocounseling or they went to work with
maybe a mentor, they went andtalked to their pastor or priest,
they were able to kind ofrelease some of the things or let
a third party help themnavigate through.
Right.
Something that they werewalking through.
And so that is so important too.
I will say sometimes spouses,especially husbands, tend to be this
(37:56):
way more.
They are hesitant to docounseling because I think they've.
We grow up in a world, aculture that says maybe that that
doesn't look as masculine orit seems weak to go and get therapy.
So we also have to understandthat from that perspective.
And there's other ways to workon our marriage, right?
(38:16):
There's, there's books,there's podcasts.
I follow some people onInstagram, relationship experts or
psychologists, differentpeople, obviously, faith based people
that talk about relationships and.
But I get some really greattidbits from there that I can apply
a strategy or an idea or aperspective to my own marriage.
(38:36):
And it's really powerfulbecause we don't have to change everything
at one time, Right.
We just keep making depositsinto the marriage bank, right into
the marriage relationship.
And those things pay off, youknow, tenfold, if you will.
Oh, actually, I'm going toshare this quote with you as we wrap
(38:58):
up.
Okay.
It's by Pastor.
Let me see if I can find it here.
Char.
It's Pastor Charles Swindle, I believe.
Yes.
And he shares this.
Each day, God deposits 86,400seconds into our bank of time, but
nothing carries over to thenext day.
Spend it well.
(39:18):
And he says, while we oftenthink about wasting time on trivial
matters, perhaps the greatesttragedy is investing it in pursuits
that matter today but willhold little significance in the light
of eternity.
But every day we have anopportunity to invest in our marriage,
invest in our spouse and thepeople we love.
And we just have to be carefulthat the busyness of work and the
(39:43):
busyness of caring for ourhousehold and getting dinner on the
table and doing the laundryand getting to the volunteer thing
or, you know, all the otherthings we do, fitting in time with
other relationships, that itdoesn't fill our entire schedule
so that we don't have anythingleft for our spouses.
And also, some people say, whyis it that our relationship that
(40:07):
should be the most importantto us, does it get the least of us
or the last of what we have left?
And that is so true if wedon't invest the time or if we're
not intentional with our time.
Because Monday through Friday,if you're coming home in the evening,
then you're getting throughdinner, you might have something.
It's true.
(40:27):
It can be really late, and bythen, a lot of us are worn out.
So we do need to make surethat we find time, different days
or at different times of theday or as early as we can on those
nights to invest in each other.
And so I would just encourageyou, if you're not finding that time,
maybe you need to, if yourkids are younger, hire a sitter or
get a friend to come over andwatch the kids so you can just get
(40:49):
a little break or go out backonce the kids fall asleep.
My husband and I go outside aton, and we'll just sit out there.
If, if it's not too hot, we'lldo a fire or the fire pit.
And also, it's about compromising.
But it's compromising to bewith your significant other.
You're doing it out of love.
And what I mean by that is myhusband doesn't he is not as into
(41:13):
being out in nature as I am orhaving a fire or sitting outside,
he feels like, oh, it's reallyhot tonight.
Or I'm just ready to relax andgo watch a show.
So we have to compromise.
He knows I'm going to go outthere with him or without him.
You know, just have a littledowntime, a little time outside,
and he'll come out and sitwith me for at least some of the
(41:35):
time.
So he's doing it because heloves me and because he wants to
spend time with me, notbecause he really wants to be out
there.
Just like there's some nightsI will later in the evening watch
something with him because forhim, that is his decompression time.
It's not so much that we'rehaving time to connect during that
time, but he.
We're doing it together.
And so for him, that stillmakes him feel connected to me, even
(41:58):
though we're not, you know,having a deep conversation.
And so I think these are allthe sort of things it's, it's putting
your spouse.
When I say first, I don't meanthat you don't care for yourself
first.
What I'm saying is you say,it's not only going to be about me.
Just like Mark Batterson saidin his book, you learn to not be
selfish by being married ifyou're someone that's committed to
(42:21):
having a strong and lasting marriage.
So with that, I just want toencourage you.
I hope that you keep workingon loving each other.
Well, if you're in a, youknow, a good marriage, obviously
if that is not your case,then, you know, you need to do what
you need to do to get thesupport or help you need.
(42:41):
But just know that there aregood men and women out there, right.
If you're not married.
But it's, it's really aboutcoming together and finding somebody
that's willing to be ascommitted as you are to living your
life together and showing uptogether and supporting each other.
So I am going to sign off asI'm going to go enjoy.
(43:05):
We're leaving today to go onour trip and I'll definitely be sharing
next week a little bit aboutour trip and just, you know, how
what we did and what we gainedfrom that as far as just having that
downtime.
But I hope you have a greatweekend and I hope you were able
to take something from thisepisode about marriage or relationships
(43:26):
in general, and I hope youhave a great weekend.
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