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May 25, 2025 20 mins

Have you ever smiled through church service while your heart was breaking? Kept your emotions bottled up until you could find a private moment to cry? That was my reality for years.

Behind the facade of a perfect life – loving children, supportive husband, active church involvement – I was drowning in unexpressed emotions with nowhere safe to release them. I'd cry alone in my car, compose myself to appear "together" in public, then break down again in solitude. The emotional suppression was suffocating me from within.

My journey toward emotional authenticity wasn't easy. Years of having my feelings dismissed with phrases like "you'll be fine" or "dry your tears" had created deep trust issues. When people used my vulnerabilities against me, I built higher walls. I questioned if I was being hormonal, failing at being a "good Christian woman," or simply broken. The truth was simpler: I wasn't allowing myself to acknowledge or express genuine feelings.

The transformation began when I realized I didn't have to sacrifice my emotional wellbeing for others' comfort. Through personal development and what I call "the journey back to me," I discovered that my feelings were valid. Expressing them didn't make me less faithful or loving – it made me whole.

This path cost me some relationships. People who preferred the self-sacrificing version of me couldn't handle my boundaries and honest expression. But what I gained was immeasurable: deeper connections with those who stayed, a stronger sense of self, and a life that finally felt authentically mine.

Your feelings are valid. You are worthy. Embracing your emotional truth isn't selfish – it's essential for living the life you were created for. Are you ready to stop hiding?

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You are listening to Faith Unmuted.
The place where Christian womenget the opportunity to press
the button and say what theywant, how they want and exactly
how they feel.
The one place where, together,we can collectively walk through
our truths, liveunapologetically and stop hiding
.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
So I have the best life right now.
I have a great relationshipwith my children, my adult
children so good, it's sodelicious.
I have an awesome relationshipwith my grand loves.
I have a wonderful marriagewith a man that I just
absolutely adore.
But that's my relationship thatI have right now.

(00:53):
Like, right now I'm in a spaceto where I'm happy with me.
I know who I am.
Does that mean that everythingis going perfect in my life?
Absolutely not, but I'm happywith me.
But it wasn't always like this.
There was a point in my life towhere, honestly, I was very

(01:16):
resentful of my husband, myrelationship with my kids they
were good, but they could havebeen better.
My relationship, my householdeverything was good.
Church, it was good, but itcould have been better.
You know, I often talk abouthow I would spend a lot of time

(01:39):
crying at this phase in my lifewhere I was just feeling lost.
I had all of these emotions,things tied up in me and I just
wasn't sure how to get them out.
Honestly, I couldn't go tochurch and talk about it.
I couldn't even really go tothe altar, because everybody's
looking at you, you know, andwhy is she up there, and you
know what's going on with her,why is she crying?

(02:01):
So I kept all of my emotions.
I kept all of my feelingsinside, all of my hurts and my
pains.
I just kept it inside.
I had nowhere to go.
I felt as if I did not have asafe space.
I didn't have anyone that Icould really talk to and tell

(02:23):
them exactly how I felt.
And if I did tell somebody howI actually felt, it was not done
in a nice way, like I wouldjust, I would just go off.
I was like a walking time bombbecause I had nowhere to put my
feelings, nowhere to share myemotions.

(02:43):
You know, and it wasn't anybodyelse's fault, it was all my
fault, really, because I hadtrust issues.
I didn't trust anyone.
I didn't trust that I couldtell you that I really don't
like this, or I really don'tcare for this, or this is what
I'm doing.
I couldn't trust you, and so Ikept everything to myself.

(03:05):
And I remember, when I would bealone and I'm having this
emotional turmoil, that I wouldjust sit, sometimes driving, and
just crying.
I remember I tell a story abouthow I used to cry going to
church every Sunday morning, youknow, because my husband would
go ahead of me.
I didn't want to ride with him,I just wanted that time to be
by myself, so I could be bymyself and scream and holler and

(03:28):
do whatever I wanted to do,because I had all of this stuff
just tied up in me and I wouldcry all the way to church, get
to church, you know, and pet myeyes and walk in and smile and
show up because we got to lookgood on the outside.
I could do that, I could smileand I look pretty on the outside
, and then I would greeteveryone after service and then

(03:52):
I would leave and get in my carand cry all the way home.
Who do I talk to?
Where do I go and say I'm justreally angry?
No, I'm not angry, I'm reallypissed off about this.
I didn't like what happenedhere.

(04:14):
This is what's going on with mychildren.
This is what's going on with myson.
This is what's going on with mydaughter.
This is how I feel about this.
This is how I feel about myspouse.
This is how I feel about church.
This is how I feel about myspouse.
This is how, you know, I feelabout church.
Anything, nowhere to go.
Have you ever had it where youjust have nowhere to go, nowhere
to go.
I couldn't call a girlfriendand say you know what?

(04:39):
I'm really angry about this?
Because I couldn't trust agirlfriend to say this.
I've trusted people before andI've told them how I felt about

(05:01):
stuff, and then they used itagainst me.
So why would I trust again?
Why would I trust again?
You know my husband is busywith what he's doing.
You know he's doing great work,job, everything, and so he
doesn't really have time to talkto me.
And even so, will youunderstand what I'm saying?
You know, you ever had it.

(05:22):
You try to share something withyour spouse and they're like,
oh, you'll be fine, it's goingto be okay, and that's all you
get.
But you're like, no, it's notokay.
No, this is how I'm feelingabout this.
This really hurts.
Now, remember, for a long time Ijust went through a period in

(05:43):
my life that it just wasn't good.
I remember when, you knowJonathan, that's my husband
called and said Esther, you know, I feel like if God is calling
me into ministry, and I justbecame angry because I thought,
oh, my God.
Now here's another area thatwe're going into and once again,
esther has to be quiet.

(06:03):
Esther has to show up.
Esther has to keep her emotionsto herself, how she feels
herself.
Who do I talk to and say Idon't want to be in ministry, I
don't want to be that pastor'swife, I'm just struggling being
a wife married to a military manthat's gone all the time.
I'm struggling with friendshipsbecause I haven't had a

(06:25):
girlfriend that I could reallytalk to and trust and say hey,
or a girlfriend I could say,come on, let's just go have a
cup of coffee, let's go drink aglass of wine and not feel
judged.
I've gone through a lot of mylife to where I've just felt
judged by people, felt judged byeven family members.

(06:49):
Judgment here, judgment there.
They talk about a no judgmentzone.
I used to be like, yeah, what'sa no judgment zone?
Who's that safe space that Icould say?
This is what's happening in mylife.

(07:10):
This is how I'm feeling aboutthis.
This is what I want to do.
This is what I don't want to do.
I spent a lot of time cryingMany times.
I would wait till Jonathanwould get up and get dressed and
leave and the kids would begone and I'm alone in the house

(07:36):
and I would walk around thehouse and I would just be crying
, just crying and crying andsometimes screaming, because I
had so much emotions and so manythings built up inside of me.
I was feeling so unhappy at onepoint and no one knew.
No one knew because I didn'tshow it.

(07:59):
They could sense some things.
They could sense, oh, mom's notin a good mood, or you know
what's going on.
You know, because sometimes Ijust had that mix and it wasn't
hormonal, wasn't that?
Because, you know, sometimes wejust want to blame hormone.
Oh, it's the hormones.
It's that time of month?
No, it's not.
It's not.
These are the emotions.
These are the things I havetacked up.

(08:23):
I will never forget.
I was at this church one timeand I was sitting there and I
was listening to what the pastorwas saying and I just sat there
with just tears, just rollingdown my eyes, and I went up.
I thought I'm going to go up.

(08:45):
These people don't know me.
I'm going to go up and I'mgoing to pray.
And I went up and tears justbegan to flow and I stopped and
I looked around and I felt as ifpeople were looking at me and
then all of a sudden I feltjudged again, like let me just
dry my eyes.
And someone came up to me andsaid dry your tears and we'll

(09:07):
just talk later.
What so used to being told dryyour eyes, we'll talk later.
Dry your eyes, it'll be okay,you're going to make it.
It hurts.
I wanted somebody to recognizeand say I'm hurt, I have

(09:28):
feelings and it's okay for me tofeel the way that I feel.
It's okay for me to have thisemotion.
I don't have to suppress it.
I don't have to hide it.
It's okay to say I hate this.
Sometimes people say, well,hate is such a strong word.
No, there's just some thingsthat I just hate.

(09:49):
I don't dislike it, I just hateit.
I don't want to lie to myselfanymore and say, esther, you're
okay.
I didn't want to lie to myselfanymore and say you shouldn't be
feeling this way because that'swhat you shouldn't feel.
That way, no one could tell youhow to feel your feelings or

(10:11):
your feelings.
You shouldn't feel this way.
I don't want to hear thatanymore because, while I
shouldn't feel this way, thebottom line is I am feeling this
way.
The bottom line is I don't likethat.
The bottom line is I don't carefor her or like her.

(10:31):
The bottom line is I hatewhat's happening right now.
The bottom line is I'm goinginto a state of depression, yeah
, and I could quote thescriptures and I do, and I could
say all of these differentthings, but you have to have

(10:52):
someplace, a safe space, whereyou can talk.
Yeah, now I'm good because Ihave the tools, had to go
through a lot of personaldevelopment so I could go back.
I call it the journey back tome.
I had to go back and rediscoverwho I was so I could live and

(11:15):
not die.
And when I say not die, I meanit dying on the inside, just
dying.
Have you ever had it to where,like you know, you're just so
unhappy?
You've got all these pent upemotions, you've got some trauma
that you haven't dealt with and, as a matter of fact, you're

(11:36):
not allowed to deal with itbecause nobody wants to talk
about it, no one really wants tohear it.
Everyone just wants you tosuppress it.
Yeah, and at one point it wasso bad that I really did think

(12:00):
it was my hormones.
I said, well, maybe I amhormonal, maybe I need to get
some pills to put some thingsinto balance or into harmony,
you know for me, and Idiscovered it had nothing to do
with my hormones.
It had everything to do withhow I was feeling emotionally.
Yeah, I needed a safe space.

(12:31):
I needed someone to say you cantalk to me and your feelings
are your feelings and it's okayto feel that way.
It's okay.
I needed someone to say it'sokay to be angry.
I would never forget that.

(12:53):
One time I was so upset with myhusband because I felt as if he
just didn't show up for me in asituation.
I felt as if it was Esther,hold your emotions together.
I felt as if it was.
I remember feeling so angryabout that.

(13:16):
I felt as if he took everyoneelse aside and everybody could
go and talk to him about howthey were feeling and he would
listen and be there for them,but for me I couldn't do it.
I didn't feel safe to do it.
I felt as if he would tell meyou know, come on, pull it
together.
And I remember this onesituation and we were talking

(13:41):
and this couple were there andthey were just like going off
and they were talking about meand I just sat there in
disbelief and finally and myhusband is listening and I
finally felt, well, he's notgoing to speak up for me.
So let me speak up for myself.
And so I did.
And I let him have it Like boom, and I really felt as if I

(14:02):
disappointed him and I felt asif I disappointed myself and I
felt as if I disappointed God.
And of course they went out andthey told everybody what I said
to them and how I behaved andall of that.
And they never told anybodywhat they did, how they spoke to

(14:25):
me.
So of course I've got trustissues, because I always felt as
if how I felt just wasn'tvalidated, felt as if how I felt
just wasn't validated.
And when that particularsituation happened, the next day
I had to fly out to go on abusiness trip and I was so happy
because it gave me time.
I was going to be gone for twoweeks and it gave me time to sit

(14:56):
in how I was feeling.
Jonathan, he didn't know whatto do and I really didn't want
to talk to him because what hedidn't know is how I felt, that
I couldn't tell him how I wasreally feeling.
I began to take the time tolean in to my anger.
I began to realize that youknow what my feelings are, my

(15:17):
feelings and I could not denythem anymore.
And, honestly, that's when Ijumped into personal development
.
That's when I had to jump in andsay, look, I've got to figure
out a way to be healed, becauseI cannot live with myself like
this anymore.
You got to make a decision.
You got to decide that it'sokay to feel the way you feel.

(15:40):
No one can tell you how to feel, no one could tell you how to
feel, for you to live the lifethat you were created to live
and for you to be in joy.
I have a saying.
You know I you know, as I said,I believe in Jesus.
I believe that he died on thecross.

(16:01):
That's just my belief system.
And since he did it, I don'thave to die for you, so I don't
have to die for my husband.
I don't have to die for mychildren so they could be happy.
I don't have to do that.
It was already done.
What I have to do is embrace howI'm feeling and accept how I'm
feeling, and accept me, for me,and know that my feelings are

(16:23):
okay, your feelings are okay.
So I want to tell you embracehow you feel, find a safe space,
find that person that you cantruly trust to, where you can
share your emotions with.
And let me tell you, that'shard, because it was hard for me
.
I have it now.
I've got a safe space where Icould say this is, you know, I'm

(16:46):
pissed off about this or Idon't like this?
This is how I feel about this,very vocal and I say exactly
what I'm feeling.
I'm very vocal and I sayexactly what I'm feeling.
And since I've been doing that,since I show up now for me, I
show up for Esther.
My relationship is so muchbetter with my husband, my
relationship is better with mychildren, my relationship is

(17:08):
better with my employees because, trust me, I show up for me and
I don't deny my feelings.
Girl, don't you deny yourseither.
Don't do it.
It's not worth it.
Your feelings are validated.
You are validated, you areworthy.

(17:30):
And what I realized for me is Ididn't have to sacrifice myself
so somebody else could feel goodabout themselves, so somebody
else can be happy.
I won't do it anymore.
I won't do it anymore.
Sometimes it's a hard road andwe're taught so much to give up

(17:51):
everything so somebody elsecould be happy.
Don't do it.
Don't do it anymore.
You truly want to be happy.
Don't do it.
Don't do it anymore.
You truly want to be happy, youknow you truly want to feel
good about yourself.
Jump into some personaldevelopment, discover who you
are, rediscover who you are andembrace who you are and embrace
your feelings and embrace youremotions and say, yeah, this is

(18:14):
who I am, this is who I want tobe, that's who I am today.
That's who I am today and Iwon't compromise myself anymore.
I won't do it because it's notworth it.
It is absolutely not worth itand because, by the way, I've
now embraced who I am.

(18:35):
Now I embrace my feelings and Ispeak my mind.
I do it nicely, I'm nice.
But I've lost some friendsbecause they couldn't handle the
real me.
They enjoyed being around thefake me.
They enjoyed the person thatwould sacrifice everything so
they could be happy and theycould feel good about themselves
and all of these wonderfulthings.
So I've lost some friends, butthe true friends are still with

(18:58):
me.
The true friends really likethe authentic Esther.
The true friends are like ohyeah, you've helped me to share
my own feelings, you've helpedme to embrace who I am, yeah.
So when you decide that this ishow I feel and you begin to
embrace it, your life will get alot better.
But remember that you may losesome friends and it's okay for

(19:21):
the friends that you lose,because you'll gain so much more
for yourself.
Your feelings are validated,your feelings are true.
Go ahead and embrace yourfeelings, embrace how you feel.

Speaker 1 (19:36):
Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically.
Faith Unmuted has allowed usonce again to ask ourselves the
kind of questions that will helpus get to the next level and
live this life unapologetically.
Your next step head on over towwwesthergramcom and let me know

(19:57):
what your favorite episode isAsk a question or share this
with a friend.
I can't wait to be with younext week as we dive deeper into
redefining what it means to bea Christian woman and redefining
what it means to live in ourtruth.
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