Finding Peace in Unexpected Places: A Journey from Exhaustion to Renewal

Have you ever found yourself crying alone on the way to a place that’s supposed to bring you peace? This episode of Faith Unmuted takes you through my intensely personal journey of stepping back from ministry due to overwhelming exhaustion, unappreciation, and isolation. 

From the heart-wrenching moments of feeling unsupported by my husband to the crushing weight of unrealistic expectations from church members, I share the raw and honest emotions that led me to prioritize my well-being over relentless service. Hear stories of how this struggle isn't unique to me alone but extends to others in our community, like the single mother in my women's group, who face similar challenges.

But this isn't just a story of stepping back; it's one of transformation and healing. I recount how a business conference, initially intended to boost my professional skills, unexpectedly became a sanctuary for profound personal growth. This experience highlighted the importance of seeking healing in unconventional places and underscored the value of taking risks for self-improvement. By investing in my well-being, I discovered a renewed purpose and joy in ministry work that transcends traditional church walls. 

Join us as we explore how embracing change and stepping out of comfort zones can lead to remarkable personal and spiritual growth, and how these lessons can inspire you to live unapologetically and with true fulfillment.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
You are listening to Faith Unmuted.
The place where Christian womenget the opportunity to press
the button and say what theywant, how they want and exactly
how they feel.
The one place where, together,we can collectively walk through
our truths, liveunapologetically and stop hiding
.

Speaker 2 (00:34):
I remember when I stepped back, stepped away from
ministry this was a few yearsago, no-transcript I just felt

(01:12):
as if I couldn't do ministryanymore.
I felt that way because I wastired.
I'd gone through so much inministry.
There was just a time when, youknow, I would go to church on
Sunday and I would drive my owncar.
My husband would drive hisbecause he would go in earlier

(01:33):
and I would drive mine and Iwould be by myself and I would
cry all the way going to church,parked my car, the way going to
church, parked my car, wiped mytears, make sure my makeup was
okay, go in to the sanctuary andsit, smiled at everyone, say

(01:58):
hello, listen to the word, whichwas always good, get back in my
car and cry all the way home.
Yeah, so I had to make adecision that I just couldn't do
it anymore.
It was painful for me, didn'tlike how church members were

(02:24):
treating me or even my children.
I didn't like the things thatthey were saying, the
expectations that they had of meand my family, but I couldn't
have expectations of them Alwaysbeing expected to show up.
Yet they get to choose whenthey show up or not.

(02:48):
Struggled with all of that.
I remember at one point I felteven as if my husband didn't
protect me from them, from themembers, from people, and I
really felt once again that hereI am in a battle, fighting all

(03:08):
by myself.
So I made a decision and I toldhim.
I said I can't do anythinganymore.
I said because if I do, I'lljust bleed all over everyone,
because right now I'm hurt, Ifeel cut and there's blood
gushing out everywhere.
Let's say, and so I can't do it.

(03:28):
I stepped all the way backbecause here it is, we're
expected to show up to this,show up to that, be here for
this, be here for that.
And yet no one ever showed upfor us.
At least that's how I felt.
We had people lying to us,telling us, oh, we're going to

(03:54):
do this and we're going to dothat, knowing that they were not
.
And at that time, you know, Ifelt as if I was doing so much
and yet so unappreciated.
Ministry is very important tomy husband and he does an
excellent job.

(04:15):
But, truth be told, I felt asif that came before me and our
family.
That was his priority, honestlyfelt as if he can talk to
everybody else, solve all theirissues.
But when it came to me, theconversation was difficult and

(04:40):
my issues weren't being solved.
I remember one time telling himI don't want to hear the
scriptures.
I know what they say, I justneed to have a conversation with
you.
This is how I feel.
I was in a very bad way.
I was hard to get along with.

(05:02):
I was disgruntled.
I remember once again we went toour church leadership
conference and I remember ourbishop saying that how ministry
is a joy and he loves it andthere's a peace and there's all
these things.
And I remember I leaned over tomy husband.
I said what ministry is he in?

(05:23):
Because I thought that is notmy experience, that is not what
I'm experiencing.
Let me tell you about a littlebit what I experienced, and
maybe you have as well.
And if it's not in ministry,like how I stepped back, maybe

(05:44):
it's in something else.
Maybe it's in family that youjust stepped away from, maybe
it's doing some things on a jobor in your business you just
stepped away from.
You know, but I stepped backbecause the disrespect.
I stepped back because I didn'tsee the genuine love of God.

(06:07):
People said they love you, buttheir actions were different and
actions speak louder than words.
Everyone is supposed to loveyou and smile at you, and they
didn't.
They looked at what you had on,they judged you, or one of the

(06:39):
worst things is that they lookat you and they pretend as if
they don't know you or theydon't remember who you are, but
you see them all the time.
I always was careful in what Isaid and what I didn't say,
because I was always judged overmy thoughts or my opinion about
something.
So I just would clam down andnot say anything at all.

(07:06):
I was expected I felt to belike other pastors' wives and I
wasn't.
I was just me and I didn't knowhow to be like other pastors'
wives.
Although, trust me, I tried tofit into the mold.
Have you ever been there whereyou just try to fit in to a mold

(07:26):
all the time?
It's like a, how you say, asquare peg going into a round or
around into a square.
Which one is it?
You know what I mean.
So I would always try and Icould never.
I could just never, ever fit in.
So I would begin to walk intorooms and I would just begin to
be quiet and it I didn't do myevents.

(08:06):
I stopped having the women'sgroup because I just saw it as
so ineffective and I said youknow, I'm going through these
things.
I'm feeling hurt, I'm feelingI've got all of these emotions
and I don't know what to doabout it.
I need help.
So how could I help anyone?
I remember one of the lastwomen's meeting I had.

(08:29):
I came home and I told myhusband.
I said I'm not doing thisanymore, I'm not doing the
women's meeting, that's theother thing I'm moving away from
.
And he said why?
What happened?
We sat in this group of ladies,were talking, and there's a
young lady there and she was asingle mom and I believe she had
three kids at the time and shewas pregnant with her fourth

(08:55):
child.
And here she is in this room ofladies.
Who's supposed to really uplifther and and and hold her?
And so I'm teaching, and so I'membracing her and I'm just
teaching, you know, and sayingit's oh, it's okay, you know,
you are going to make it.
We all make mistakes, we all gothrough things in life and I use

(09:17):
myself as an example of somethings I have gone through in
life and one of the ladiesraised her hands to say
something and I said go aheadand this is what she said.
She said well, I've been inchurch all my life.

(09:38):
I've never experienced any ofthat and I've never experienced
what she's experiencing, or evenwhat you're speaking about,
about being mistreated in churchand being mistreated here.
I've've never.
And then she looked over tosomeone to collaborate with her
and said don't you agree withthat?
Have you ever experienced that?
And the other person justlooked and went.
You know, was like not surewhat to say and the thing about

(10:02):
it with this particular womanthat said that she had two kids
and she has never been married.
So don't sit and tell me thatyou've never experienced what
this young lady has experienced.
But you just shut her down.
And so after that meeting, Isaid to my husband I said I
cannot do this anymore because Icannot be around people who
won't be truthful about who theyare, where they are, their past

(10:27):
and everything else so otherscan get help.
And so I shut myself down.
While I stepped back, I began todo some work on me.
I began to go through my ownhealing Because, truth be told,

(10:50):
stepping back really took a tollon my marriage.
I'm supposed to be there insupport of my husband.
I wasn't being the pastor'swife, as was expected to be, so
he was doing everything with theother leaders.
I didn't want to speak toanyone at the church and when

(11:21):
they did come and speak to me, Ihad to be very careful because
if they say something to me, Iwas at the place in my life
where I would just shoot off, mythoughts were and not care, and
I really honestly didn't wantto be that person.
I really began to do some workon myself, my innermost being

(11:46):
Looking at as to what's reallygoing on with you, and I
realized that I hated being inministry, that it just was not a
joy for me.
I'd lost all the joy, and Ibelieve that if you lose a joy

(12:07):
about something, then that'ssomething that you should no
longer be doing.
I had people come and tell meyou know you should get back to
doing because this is going tohelp the people, this is going
to do this, and I thought Idon't really care about that.

(12:28):
I need help.
I stopped going to a lot offunctions, I poured myself into
my business, I spent a lot oftime in prayer, I spent a lot of

(12:53):
time asking God for direction,and one day he did direct me to
exactly what I needed to do do,and what I needed to do is get

(13:14):
to a place where I could developfrom the inside out, where I
can actually be transformed fromthe inside out and I can go
through a healing process.
I needed to be healed, and whatI discovered was I needed to be
healed from things that I wasn'teven aware of, that I was
experiencing.
My marriage needed healing.
I didn't even realize that mymarriage, from my perspective,

(13:37):
was in so much trouble, but mymarriage needed healing.
I needed to be able to talk tomy husband and say this is
what's going on with me.
My relationship with mychildren, while it was good, it
still needed healing.
Why?
Because I needed healing.
My business was going great,but it could have been better,

(14:00):
but it couldn't be betterbecause I needed healing.
Man, have you ever been in aplace to where you're just there
and you're stepping back fromthings and you're slowly
stepping back and you'restepping back, and you're
stepping back, and you'restepping back until you're all
the way back and you're almosttotally walking away?
I almost walked away from mymarriage because I couldn't

(14:23):
figure out what was wrong.
I knew that I was unhappy, andthen I began to focus on me, on
the inside of me.
I began to really be honestwith myself.
I put myself in an environmentwhere I could actually be healed

(14:46):
.
And I've said this before andI'll say it again I went
somewhere.
It wasn't a Christianconference, it wasn't a
religious conference, it wasn'tanything like that.
As a matter of fact, it wasreally a business conference.
As a matter of fact, it wasreally a business conference and

(15:10):
I thought I'm going so I couldwork on my business and up-level
my business and scale it.
And I'm just thinking businessand that's why I'm going.
But God had another plan,because the thing about it what
I love about God is that hewanted me healed too.
He wanted me to be happy, hewanted me to move forward,

(15:33):
because that's the only way hecould use me.
That's the only way I couldinfluence others to live this
great life that they have thepower to live.
I went to this conference andit was at that conference that I
was able to identify what wasgoing on inside of me.
It was there that I was able toreceive my healing.

(15:59):
And I say this because many ofus think that we've got to be in
a certain place it's got to be,especially if we are, you know,
members of a church, of adenomination or religion or
whatever.
We think that we've got to bein that environment.
I went to an environment thatwas way outside of my scope or

(16:20):
even what I thought I would getany type of healing from, and
that's exactly where I got it.
The words that were spokenhealed me.
The activity that was done,where my husband and I were able
to look at each other and talk,healed us, but it healed me.

(16:44):
I say us because then ourmarriage began to get better.
But it healed me because I sayus because then our marriage
began to get better.
But it healed me because Ineeded the healing.
There were areas that I didn'teven realize needed healing.
See, some of us live in fearand we think that if we step out
this way, then something iswrong and we shouldn't be doing

(17:07):
that, and so we stay exactlywhere we are.
I had to take the risk.
I didn't know I was going forhealing, I was going for
something else.
But even going for somethingelse in business was a risk for
me because I didn't think Iwould ever do that.
But that's where I went,because I was getting desperate
in business, not realizing thatit was really me, and so I went.

(17:30):
And so what I want to say tothat, I want to say take the
risk on yourself, take the riskto be healed, find a place to
get your healing, because you'reyour most important investment.
You need to be around for yourfamily, for your loved ones, for
your children, yourgrandchildren, your great-grands

(17:50):
, for that significant other.
You need to be around foryourself and when you're around,
you need to be healed.
I have a saying you know I amhealed, I shall be healed, and
I'm being healed.
Healing for me is ongoing.
I'm being healed, healing forme is ongoing.

(18:10):
But there are some things Icould say oh, I am healed from
this.
So go forth and get yourhealing.
Do what's necessary to do soyou could be healed.
Don't be caught up in what itlooks like and I'm speaking to
those who are looking forsomething that looks, let's say
for lack of a better wordchurchy to them or just really.

(18:32):
You know people like say oh,it's just highly spiritual.
No, listen, I need you to gethealing.
The environment that I went intowas highly spiritual, but it
was not a Christian environment,it was not a religious
environment.
Everybody was there and I saweverybody, lots of people healed
, but, most importantly, I washealed.

(18:55):
So I want to what's the wordMaybe encourage, I'm not sure to
do the necessary thing woman tobe healed so you could be that
better woman, so you could liveyour best life, so you could

(19:17):
live your healed life, so youcould build great relationships.
So then you don't have to stepany further back.
You can now move back in.
I've moved back into ministry.
It looks a little bit differentthan it did before, but it
needed to look different becauseI'm not the same person.
I'm not the same person as amatter of fact.

(19:40):
Where I am in ministry now, Iabsolutely love it because it's
not inside the four walls, it'sreally more outside.
But what's wonderful about thatis that I go into the four
walls and I'm happy to go andI'm good with where I am.
I have this powerfulrelationship with my husband,
great relationship with God.
I know who I am because of whatI went through and because I

(20:02):
pursued my healing, and sothat's what I want to encourage
you to do Step out of the realm,step into what it might not
look like.
Yeah, if nothing changes,nothing changes.
If nothing changes, nothingchanges, change something, do

(20:25):
something different so you canget to you.
Because you are, I am my mostimportant investment.
Yeah, walk back in and lean in.

Speaker 1 (20:42):
Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically,
faith unmuted has allowed usonce again to ask ourselves the
kind of questions that will helpus get to the next level and
live this life unapologetically.
Your next step head on over towwwestrogramcom and let me know

(21:03):
what your favorite episode is,ask a question or share this
with a friend.
I can't wait to be with younext week as we dive deeper into
redefining what it means to bea Christian woman and redefining
what it means to live in ourtruth.