October 6, 2024 • 24 mins
Have you ever faced the heart-wrenching challenge of dealing with a toxic family member who disapproves of your most important life decisions? In this emotionally charged episode, I share my personal experiences with a controlling relative whose disapproval of my marriage led to years of pain and tension. From childhood memories of her protection to the unpredictable and harmful behavior that affected my entire family, these moments of reflection highlight the emotional complexity of such relationships.
The narrative crescendos with a dramatic incident at my mother's wake, where unresolved issues erupted into a tumultuous family confrontation, forcing me to reevaluate my priorities and personal well-being.
But the story doesn't end there. I journey through the healing process, discovering the profound impact of the "total truth letter" as a means of emotional recovery and growth. By expressing gratitude, anger, and hurt, and taking responsibility for allowing toxic behaviors, I found peace and the strength to establish new boundaries.
This transformative experience redefined my understanding of happiness and faith, inspiring a fresh perspective on what it means to live unapologetically as a Christian woman. We encourage you to visit www.esthergraham.com to share your thoughts and join us next week as we continue to explore the path to empowered living.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You are listening to Faith Unmuted.
The place where Christian womenget the opportunity to press
the button and say what theywant, how they want and exactly
how they feel.
The one place where, together,we can collectively walk through
our truths, liveunapologetically and stop hiding
.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I know you don't want to hear this, but it's probably
time that you cut somerelationships, whether it's
family, friendship, it could bea church relationship, any type
of relationship that's reallynot serving you, and you just
don't know how to end therelationship or really what to
do in the relationship.
You probably feel stuck, andyou probably feel as if the
(00:59):
relationships you know one dayit's good, the next day it's not
, and then you're just not surehow the relationship is really
going to be, day to day, week toweek or month to month.
What you are sure of, though,is that you are tired of being
in the relationship the way itis, the way it is, and so then,
(01:31):
what do you do about it?
How do you end the relationshipand still continue to be happy,
be comfortable and move on inyour life without that
relationship?
Because sometimes you know, wefeel as if we need the
relationship, especially if it'sa family relationship, and we
(01:51):
feel, because they're family,that we can't end the
relationship or remove it, orput it at a certain distance,
let's say.
And so we stay there becausethey're family, or we've been
best friends all of our lives,and so you know, we've got
(02:12):
different reasons why, manytimes we feel as if we can't end
a relationship.
So I was in a situation likethat.
I was in a situation like thatand really I've been in
situations like that severaltimes.
And one in particular that wasjust really hard to sever and it
(02:36):
took years was a relationship Ihad with one of my family
members, and the relationshipwas very controlling.
They had to always be incontrol of the relationship,
(02:59):
belief or thought as what theythought.
Then you were discarded, you'rerejected, and it could be that
they would not even speak to you.
I remember when my husband and Ifirst started dating, I got a
phone call and the other personon the phone call, the same
(03:23):
family member, said you have nobusiness marrying him.
He's going to do this to you,he's going to beat you, he's
going to hit you, he's going toabuse you because he's this and
that she had no clue who he was,she's never met him and she
said you cannot marry him, hewill not be accepted into the
(03:45):
family.
And when she spoke that, shespoke that for the entire family
, like not just her family, youknow, her husband and her
children, but my mom, my dad,everyone.
How could she even do that.
And so I told her well, that'snot going to happen, I'm
marrying him.
And so she just told me off andI remember I hung up the phone
(04:07):
and I just cried and I cried andI cried.
And when Jonathan and I gotmarried, she didn't show up to
the wedding, and neither did herentire family, not at all, and
it was so hurtful.
But it didn't just stop there.
I didn't stop our relationshipthere.
Really, I went the opposite way.
(04:28):
I was so bent on getting herapproval in everything that I
did that I did whatever I coulddo to please her so I could be
accepted not just by her but herentire family.
I think one of the reasons Idid that because as a little
girl, when we moved to theUnited States on the weekends
(04:54):
after she got married, she wouldpick me up and we would go and
hang out together and we wouldgo out to to lunch together.
There was a certain restaurantthat I always loved going to and
I would always get hamburgersand French fries because that
was my favorite American food.
And she would her and herhusband would take me there and
(05:15):
she at the time, as a littlegirl growing up in the United
States, was my protector, so Ihonored her.
I absolutely loved her.
So I honored her.
(05:41):
I absolutely loved her, and Istill love her.
But as we got older, there wereso many things that shifted and
as I became into who I am andwho I loved, and it didn't
matter that my husband isAfrican American or anything
like that, she was just 100%against it.
And so for years, you know, shedidn't speak to me and then
finally she started speaking tome again.
But still, it's always beenthat control factor and it
wasn't just for me, it was for,like, the entire family.
If she did not like somethingshe disagreed with something.
If she did not like somethingshe disagreed with something,
(06:03):
she would cut you off, like thisboom.
And so the relationship withher now that I look back, it was
just so toxic.
And it wasn't just toxic for me, it was toxic for everyone.
I remember, when my son came out, her reaction to that and what
(06:23):
was said and what wasn't said,and oh, it was just, it was
ridiculous.
Yet I want to say this withthis particular relationship,
there was a side of her that wasalso great.
There was a side of her whenshe was on point and she was
ready to give and show love,that she would be phenomenal.
But then there was this otherside.
(06:44):
She always gave the impressionthat she could do nothing wrong.
Her or her entire family, theywere perfect, they had
everything perfect, but me or myfamily, we were so imperfect If
we didn't make the decisionthat she thought we would make.
(07:06):
We were imperfect and there wassomething wrong with us.
I remember when my mother passedaway.
That's really when everythingjust broke apart and we were at
(07:27):
the wake I guess is that whatthey call it from my mother, and
she was there and she reallydidn't speak to any of us, and
that was fine, but at the end,when we were all leaving,
something happened and myhusband spoke up about it
quietly, and she didn't like it,and from that point she started
(07:52):
a whole her and her familystarted a whole drama going on.
That was just really sad.
This happened about four, maybefive years ago four years ago
(08:13):
and there were so many untruthsand lies being told about myself
, my husband, my church, mychildren.
It was so much, and I didn'tknow what to do and how to react
.
What I did, however, know wasthat I could not be in a
relationship with her or herfamily anymore until some things
(08:39):
changed.
And until it changed, I wouldjust have to sever that
relationship.
And how I did that was I didn'tcall her and say, okay, I'm
ending the relationship with youand everyone.
I didn't do anything like that.
I just moved in silence and Idid what I needed to do.
(09:02):
So this is what I want to tellyou If you're in a relationship
that you know, you know, youknow in the depths of your heart
that this relationship is nolonger serving you and you need
to exit, just because you exit arelationship, by the way,
doesn't mean that you don't meanthem well.
(09:23):
Does that mean that you don'tmean them well?
Does that mean that you don'tlove them?
Does that mean that you don'twant them to succeed?
Because, for me, I love her, Ilove her entire family.
I want her to succeed.
I mean her well.
I want her to be successful.
I want her to experience greatthings.
It's just that I can't be inher life because it's no longer
(09:46):
serving me, it's toxic.
And so what I did was I began togo through something I like to
call, or is called, the totaltruth, the total truth letter.
I have to tell you this soworks, because I've used it with
(10:06):
my son.
When he was going through hisbreakup, I coached him through
the total truth and I just wantto share with you how that works
and how I used it for me.
I began by doing the totaltruth, by just really saying
exactly how I felt, and I reallystarted with what I absolutely
(10:29):
loved about my family, what Iabsolutely loved and what I was
(10:51):
thankful for.
I talked about what made meangry.
I'm angry because you did thisand I felt, not them but me.
It made me angry, it hurt me, Idid not like it when, and I was
very specific about how I wasfeeling, and in this letter I
(11:17):
wrote it to myself and and Ieven listen this is a process
that I did a few times, becausewhen you're in a relationship
that you've been in for a while,you just don't get over it.
Boom, like with the snap of afinger, there's hurt and there's
pain, there's anger, there's somuch and it doesn't just stops
then or it didn't start then.
(11:39):
This is these are things thathave come along on your journey
in life, and so for me, this wasyears after years after years.
I have stories after stories,after stories that I don't even
have enough time to share withyou, but what I do know is that
I needed to end the relationshipso I could be happy.
(12:01):
So I went through and I did theentire total truth and it got
down to this is what I takeresponsibility for.
That was the hardest part.
As I went through, I'm angry.
As I went through.
This is what I disliked as Iwent through.
This is what hurt me when I gotto.
(12:23):
This is what I takeresponsibility for.
I got stuck because I said tomyself I'm not taking risks.
What do I need to takeresponsibility for?
They did everything.
They're the mean ones.
They did this.
She said this.
(12:45):
She's done it.
What did I do?
All my life, I've dideverything to try to keep her
happy and to be in a greatrelationship with her and, no
matter what I do, it justdoesn't work.
It's just not enough.
So what do I need to takeresponsibility for?
And so I remember the firsttime I did this, I stopped right
there.
The second time, I stoppedright there.
By the third time, I began toreally think and I really began
(13:07):
to go a little bit deeper and Ibegan to think about my
responsibility and what Idiscovered was my responsibility
.
I had to take responsibilityfor allowing her to treat me the
way she did, for allowing herto treat my husband the way she
(13:29):
did, for allowing her to talkabout various people, different
people, without stopping her.
I had to take responsibilityfor that.
I took responsibility for notspeaking up when I should have
the way she treated our parentsand the way she allowed her
(13:51):
family to treat our parents.
You know, we were brought up asmuch as lies within you live at
peace with all men, and so Iwanted to live at peace with her
, so I allowed her.
I shouldn't have done that.
When I sat down and began tothink about that and take
responsibility for that, it justhit me like hardcore, like gut,
(14:15):
because I thought, oh man, Idid this.
I think back often that if Iwould have taken responsibility
for some things in ourrelationships a long time ago,
maybe, just maybe I'm not surewe would still be in a very
powerful forward movingrelationship now.
But instead we're not, and it'sokay.
(14:42):
After moving past takingresponsibility, then I moved
into.
From now on, this is what Iwill do, and so I began to
outline.
This is how I will be in arelationship with you.
This is how I want to be served, and I began to outline that.
(15:06):
I began to put my values inplace.
This is what I value, and Irealized that, while I am not
actually saying it to her, I'msaying it out loud, I'm writing
it down because then it takes aneffect on me and then I begin
to live it out and I begin to beokay with it.
(15:29):
And I moved into the things thatagain, I appreciated about her.
I began to think because Ialways want to see her in a very
positive light because she is awonderful person.
I began to think about you know, us going, her taking me out to
hamburgers and french friesevery Saturday, began to think
(15:49):
about the wonderful barbecuesthat she would have and what a
great relationship at one pointI had with her children.
I began to think about that Ihad with her children.
I began to think about that.
And so, in that, I began to begrateful.
And so, as I did my total truth, I said I'm grateful and I'm
(16:10):
thankful for your children andfor the role you did play in my
life, that if you didn't playthe role that you did, I
wouldn't be where I am today,and that's how I moved through
severing that relationship.
But it's not just that one.
I've used the same tool withany relationship that I know
(16:31):
that I need to move out from, arelationship that no longer
serves me, a relationship that'sabusive and toxic.
Those are the relationshipsthat you know that you need to
get out of.
Those are the relationshipsthat you're saying, oh, it's
okay, I could deal with it.
No, because what I learned isthat I don't have to sacrifice
(16:55):
my joy, my peace and myhappiness.
I don't have to sacrifice who Iam to keep you happy.
I don't have to sacrifice myfamily and my children to keep
you happy.
And can I tell you something?
When I made that decision, itbrought peace to my husband.
(17:15):
It brought peace to my children.
It released them From having,or even trying to forge a
relationship that was also nolonger serving them, because
they didn't like some of thelanguage, they didn't like what
was done behind closed doors,they didn't like some of the
(17:40):
discussions, and so, because Ireleased it, because that's my
family, they felt the ease torelease it.
And so could it be that someonethat's very close to you, that
you're in a great relationshipwith, but they're following your
lead.
They're waiting for you torelease that relationship so
(18:04):
they could also move forward intheirs.
Yeah, since that's happened,I've not really seen her, maybe
twice, but she's not spoken tome, and the great part about
(18:25):
that is that I'm at peace withit.
Do I love her?
Yes, do I pray for her?
Yes, and her entire family.
But I no longer live in sadnessor unhappiness, or I'm no
longer walking on eggshells,neither is my husband or my
(18:51):
children, because we're tryingto live up to what you want.
Trying to live up to what youwant.
I look back and I think, oh myGod, esther, why did you ever do
that in the first place?
Live up.
What I also discovered, itwasn't just me, but it was also
(19:13):
other family members that wereliving up trying to be in a good
space with them, living uptrying to be in a good space
with them.
You know, sometimes, becausethey're family, we try to always
stay in a good space.
You know, in the family I grewup in, you know again, we were
always taught live at peace, beat peace, be at peace, move on,
(19:33):
just be at peace, Pray about itand all that's good.
And, yeah, you can pray aboutit, but sometimes you just have
to take action, because it takestwo to have a great
relationship and it also takestwo not to.
But it's just one person right.
One person could say I don'twant that relationship.
(19:54):
If it's not like this, I don'twant it and you have to be okay
with it and move on so you couldbe happy.
I believe that using that toolhas really helped me navigate
(20:19):
through many relationships, notjust family.
I've navigated relationshipswith church relationships.
I've navigated throughfriendships.
I feel like if for a lot of mylife, I've been around people
who were not in integrity.
(20:40):
They were disingenuine and,like many of you, I've stayed in
the relationship just because Ididn't know how to move out.
I felt that's what I should door it's just what it is.
I felt that's what I should door it's just what it is.
(21:04):
And when I made the decision tomove, that's the tool I move.
When I say this relationshipisn't good for me, that's the
tool that I use.
And when I use that tool, itfrees me, it releases me, it
makes me feel good and I'm sogood now.
It frees me, it releases me, itmakes me feel good and I'm so
(21:28):
good now, y'all, with themajority of the relationships
that I have.
I guess maybe I'm just on thisjourney right now to where, if
the relationship isn't going to,if we're not going somewhere in
this relationship, then we justneed to end the relationship.
And I don't mean that in anegative way at all.
I mean I still love you, but wejust may not be able to commune
together, and it's okay.
It's okay.
(21:49):
I'm on this journey where I'mlooking at all of my
relationships and I'm saying isthis relationship serving me and
am I serving the relationship?
Is this good for me?
And if it's not, then I have tosit and I have to go through.
(22:16):
You know what makes me angryabout this relationship, what I
don't like about thisrelationship, what I value, what
I take responsibility for andwhat I'm releasing everything,
(22:44):
everything, everything.
Then I come to a place.
As I told someone, when I seeyou out in the streets or
anywhere, the stores I need tobe able to look at you and smile
and say hello and keep moving.
I don't want to look at you andfeel as if I could just beat
you over the head or run youover in the car, because, trust
me y'all, I have been there withthat.
I have been there to where Isee someone and I know they've
(23:06):
hurt me, they've did thesethings.
We were in a relationship andwhen I see him I just want to
run him over.
So I have to make sure that I'mokay.
So that's why I go through that, because when I see you I need
to be able to smile, say helloand keep moving and my heart
totally clear, pain gone, nolonger lives there.
(23:27):
How do you remove that personfrom your life?
Go through those steps andyou'll see what will happen.
It will be miraculous.
And you'll see what will happen.
It will be miraculous.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically.
Faith unmuted has allowed usonce again to ask ourselves the
kind of questions that will helpus get to the next level and
live this life unapologetically.
Your next step head on over towwwesthergramcom and let me know
(24:02):
what your favorite episode isAsk a question or share this
with a friend.
I can't wait to be with younext week as we dive deeper into
redefining what it means to bea Christian woman and redefining
what it means to live in ourtruth.
You are listening to Faith Unmuted.
The place where Christian womenget the opportunity to press
the button and say what theywant, how they want and exactly
how they feel.
The one place where, together,we can collectively walk through
our truths, liveunapologetically and stop hiding
.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I know you don't want to hear this, but it's probably
time that you cut somerelationships, whether it's
family, friendship, it could bea church relationship, any type
of relationship that's reallynot serving you, and you just
don't know how to end therelationship or really what to
do in the relationship.
You probably feel stuck, andyou probably feel as if the
(00:59):
relationships you know one dayit's good, the next day it's not
, and then you're just not surehow the relationship is really
going to be, day to day, week toweek or month to month.
What you are sure of, though,is that you are tired of being
in the relationship the way itis, the way it is, and so then,
(01:31):
what do you do about it?
How do you end the relationshipand still continue to be happy,
be comfortable and move on inyour life without that
relationship?
Because sometimes you know, wefeel as if we need the
relationship, especially if it'sa family relationship, and we
(01:51):
feel, because they're family,that we can't end the
relationship or remove it, orput it at a certain distance,
let's say.
And so we stay there becausethey're family, or we've been
best friends all of our lives,and so you know, we've got
(02:12):
different reasons why, manytimes we feel as if we can't end
a relationship.
So I was in a situation likethat.
I was in a situation like thatand really I've been in
situations like that severaltimes.
And one in particular that wasjust really hard to sever and it
(02:36):
took years was a relationship Ihad with one of my family
members, and the relationshipwas very controlling.
They had to always be incontrol of the relationship,
(02:59):
belief or thought as what theythought.
Then you were discarded, you'rerejected, and it could be that
they would not even speak to you.
I remember when my husband and Ifirst started dating, I got a
phone call and the other personon the phone call, the same
(03:23):
family member, said you have nobusiness marrying him.
He's going to do this to you,he's going to beat you, he's
going to hit you, he's going toabuse you because he's this and
that she had no clue who he was,she's never met him and she
said you cannot marry him, hewill not be accepted into the
(03:45):
family.
And when she spoke that, shespoke that for the entire family
, like not just her family, youknow, her husband and her
children, but my mom, my dad,everyone.
How could she even do that.
And so I told her well, that'snot going to happen, I'm
marrying him.
And so she just told me off andI remember I hung up the phone
(04:07):
and I just cried and I cried andI cried.
And when Jonathan and I gotmarried, she didn't show up to
the wedding, and neither did herentire family, not at all, and
it was so hurtful.
But it didn't just stop there.
I didn't stop our relationshipthere.
Really, I went the opposite way.
(04:28):
I was so bent on getting herapproval in everything that I
did that I did whatever I coulddo to please her so I could be
accepted not just by her but herentire family.
I think one of the reasons Idid that because as a little
girl, when we moved to theUnited States on the weekends
(04:54):
after she got married, she wouldpick me up and we would go and
hang out together and we wouldgo out to to lunch together.
There was a certain restaurantthat I always loved going to and
I would always get hamburgersand French fries because that
was my favorite American food.
And she would her and herhusband would take me there and
(05:15):
she at the time, as a littlegirl growing up in the United
States, was my protector, so Ihonored her.
I absolutely loved her.
So I honored her.
(05:41):
I absolutely loved her, and Istill love her.
But as we got older, there wereso many things that shifted and
as I became into who I am andwho I loved, and it didn't
matter that my husband isAfrican American or anything
like that, she was just 100%against it.
And so for years, you know, shedidn't speak to me and then
finally she started speaking tome again.
But still, it's always beenthat control factor and it
wasn't just for me, it was for,like, the entire family.
If she did not like somethingshe disagreed with something.
If she did not like somethingshe disagreed with something,
(06:03):
she would cut you off, like thisboom.
And so the relationship withher now that I look back, it was
just so toxic.
And it wasn't just toxic for me, it was toxic for everyone.
I remember, when my son came out, her reaction to that and what
(06:23):
was said and what wasn't said,and oh, it was just, it was
ridiculous.
Yet I want to say this withthis particular relationship,
there was a side of her that wasalso great.
There was a side of her whenshe was on point and she was
ready to give and show love,that she would be phenomenal.
But then there was this otherside.
(06:44):
She always gave the impressionthat she could do nothing wrong.
Her or her entire family, theywere perfect, they had
everything perfect, but me or myfamily, we were so imperfect If
we didn't make the decisionthat she thought we would make.
(07:06):
We were imperfect and there wassomething wrong with us.
I remember when my mother passedaway.
That's really when everythingjust broke apart and we were at
(07:27):
the wake I guess is that whatthey call it from my mother, and
she was there and she reallydidn't speak to any of us, and
that was fine, but at the end,when we were all leaving,
something happened and myhusband spoke up about it
quietly, and she didn't like it,and from that point she started
(07:52):
a whole her and her familystarted a whole drama going on.
That was just really sad.
This happened about four, maybefive years ago four years ago
(08:13):
and there were so many untruthsand lies being told about myself
, my husband, my church, mychildren.
It was so much, and I didn'tknow what to do and how to react
.
What I did, however, know wasthat I could not be in a
relationship with her or herfamily anymore until some things
(08:39):
changed.
And until it changed, I wouldjust have to sever that
relationship.
And how I did that was I didn'tcall her and say, okay, I'm
ending the relationship with youand everyone.
I didn't do anything like that.
I just moved in silence and Idid what I needed to do.
(09:02):
So this is what I want to tellyou If you're in a relationship
that you know, you know, youknow in the depths of your heart
that this relationship is nolonger serving you and you need
to exit, just because you exit arelationship, by the way,
doesn't mean that you don't meanthem well.
(09:23):
Does that mean that you don'tmean them well?
Does that mean that you don'tlove them?
Does that mean that you don'twant them to succeed?
Because, for me, I love her, Ilove her entire family.
I want her to succeed.
I mean her well.
I want her to be successful.
I want her to experience greatthings.
It's just that I can't be inher life because it's no longer
(09:46):
serving me, it's toxic.
And so what I did was I began togo through something I like to
call, or is called, the totaltruth, the total truth letter.
I have to tell you this soworks, because I've used it with
(10:06):
my son.
When he was going through hisbreakup, I coached him through
the total truth and I just wantto share with you how that works
and how I used it for me.
I began by doing the totaltruth, by just really saying
exactly how I felt, and I reallystarted with what I absolutely
(10:29):
loved about my family, what Iabsolutely loved and what I was
(10:51):
thankful for.
I talked about what made meangry.
I'm angry because you did thisand I felt, not them but me.
It made me angry, it hurt me, Idid not like it when, and I was
very specific about how I wasfeeling, and in this letter I
(11:17):
wrote it to myself and and Ieven listen this is a process
that I did a few times, becausewhen you're in a relationship
that you've been in for a while,you just don't get over it.
Boom, like with the snap of afinger, there's hurt and there's
pain, there's anger, there's somuch and it doesn't just stops
then or it didn't start then.
(11:39):
This is these are things thathave come along on your journey
in life, and so for me, this wasyears after years after years.
I have stories after stories,after stories that I don't even
have enough time to share withyou, but what I do know is that
I needed to end the relationshipso I could be happy.
(12:01):
So I went through and I did theentire total truth and it got
down to this is what I takeresponsibility for.
That was the hardest part.
As I went through, I'm angry.
As I went through.
This is what I disliked as Iwent through.
This is what hurt me when I gotto.
(12:23):
This is what I takeresponsibility for.
I got stuck because I said tomyself I'm not taking risks.
What do I need to takeresponsibility for?
They did everything.
They're the mean ones.
They did this.
She said this.
(12:45):
She's done it.
What did I do?
All my life, I've dideverything to try to keep her
happy and to be in a greatrelationship with her and, no
matter what I do, it justdoesn't work.
It's just not enough.
So what do I need to takeresponsibility for?
And so I remember the firsttime I did this, I stopped right
there.
The second time, I stoppedright there.
By the third time, I began toreally think and I really began
(13:07):
to go a little bit deeper and Ibegan to think about my
responsibility and what Idiscovered was my responsibility
.
I had to take responsibilityfor allowing her to treat me the
way she did, for allowing herto treat my husband the way she
(13:29):
did, for allowing her to talkabout various people, different
people, without stopping her.
I had to take responsibilityfor that.
I took responsibility for notspeaking up when I should have
the way she treated our parentsand the way she allowed her
(13:51):
family to treat our parents.
You know, we were brought up asmuch as lies within you live at
peace with all men, and so Iwanted to live at peace with her
, so I allowed her.
I shouldn't have done that.
When I sat down and began tothink about that and take
responsibility for that, it justhit me like hardcore, like gut,
(14:15):
because I thought, oh man, Idid this.
I think back often that if Iwould have taken responsibility
for some things in ourrelationships a long time ago,
maybe, just maybe I'm not surewe would still be in a very
powerful forward movingrelationship now.
But instead we're not, and it'sokay.
(14:42):
After moving past takingresponsibility, then I moved
into.
From now on, this is what Iwill do, and so I began to
outline.
This is how I will be in arelationship with you.
This is how I want to be served, and I began to outline that.
(15:06):
I began to put my values inplace.
This is what I value, and Irealized that, while I am not
actually saying it to her, I'msaying it out loud, I'm writing
it down because then it takes aneffect on me and then I begin
to live it out and I begin to beokay with it.
(15:29):
And I moved into the things thatagain, I appreciated about her.
I began to think because Ialways want to see her in a very
positive light because she is awonderful person.
I began to think about you know, us going, her taking me out to
hamburgers and french friesevery Saturday, began to think
(15:49):
about the wonderful barbecuesthat she would have and what a
great relationship at one pointI had with her children.
I began to think about that Ihad with her children.
I began to think about that.
And so, in that, I began to begrateful.
And so, as I did my total truth, I said I'm grateful and I'm
(16:10):
thankful for your children andfor the role you did play in my
life, that if you didn't playthe role that you did, I
wouldn't be where I am today,and that's how I moved through
severing that relationship.
But it's not just that one.
I've used the same tool withany relationship that I know
(16:31):
that I need to move out from, arelationship that no longer
serves me, a relationship that'sabusive and toxic.
Those are the relationshipsthat you know that you need to
get out of.
Those are the relationshipsthat you're saying, oh, it's
okay, I could deal with it.
No, because what I learned isthat I don't have to sacrifice
(16:55):
my joy, my peace and myhappiness.
I don't have to sacrifice who Iam to keep you happy.
I don't have to sacrifice myfamily and my children to keep
you happy.
And can I tell you something?
When I made that decision, itbrought peace to my husband.
(17:15):
It brought peace to my children.
It released them From having,or even trying to forge a
relationship that was also nolonger serving them, because
they didn't like some of thelanguage, they didn't like what
was done behind closed doors,they didn't like some of the
(17:40):
discussions, and so, because Ireleased it, because that's my
family, they felt the ease torelease it.
And so could it be that someonethat's very close to you, that
you're in a great relationshipwith, but they're following your
lead.
They're waiting for you torelease that relationship so
(18:04):
they could also move forward intheirs.
Yeah, since that's happened,I've not really seen her, maybe
twice, but she's not spoken tome, and the great part about
(18:25):
that is that I'm at peace withit.
Do I love her?
Yes, do I pray for her?
Yes, and her entire family.
But I no longer live in sadnessor unhappiness, or I'm no
longer walking on eggshells,neither is my husband or my
(18:51):
children, because we're tryingto live up to what you want.
Trying to live up to what youwant.
I look back and I think, oh myGod, esther, why did you ever do
that in the first place?
Live up.
What I also discovered, itwasn't just me, but it was also
(19:13):
other family members that wereliving up trying to be in a good
space with them, living uptrying to be in a good space
with them.
You know, sometimes, becausethey're family, we try to always
stay in a good space.
You know, in the family I grewup in, you know again, we were
always taught live at peace, beat peace, be at peace, move on,
(19:33):
just be at peace, Pray about itand all that's good.
And, yeah, you can pray aboutit, but sometimes you just have
to take action, because it takestwo to have a great
relationship and it also takestwo not to.
But it's just one person right.
One person could say I don'twant that relationship.
(19:54):
If it's not like this, I don'twant it and you have to be okay
with it and move on so you couldbe happy.
I believe that using that toolhas really helped me navigate
(20:19):
through many relationships, notjust family.
I've navigated relationshipswith church relationships.
I've navigated throughfriendships.
I feel like if for a lot of mylife, I've been around people
who were not in integrity.
(20:40):
They were disingenuine and,like many of you, I've stayed in
the relationship just because Ididn't know how to move out.
I felt that's what I should door it's just what it is.
I felt that's what I should door it's just what it is.
(21:04):
And when I made the decision tomove, that's the tool I move.
When I say this relationshipisn't good for me, that's the
tool that I use.
And when I use that tool, itfrees me, it releases me, it
makes me feel good and I'm sogood now.
It frees me, it releases me, itmakes me feel good and I'm so
(21:28):
good now, y'all, with themajority of the relationships
that I have.
I guess maybe I'm just on thisjourney right now to where, if
the relationship isn't going to,if we're not going somewhere in
this relationship, then we justneed to end the relationship.
And I don't mean that in anegative way at all.
I mean I still love you, but wejust may not be able to commune
together, and it's okay.
It's okay.
(21:49):
I'm on this journey where I'mlooking at all of my
relationships and I'm saying isthis relationship serving me and
am I serving the relationship?
Is this good for me?
And if it's not, then I have tosit and I have to go through.
(22:16):
You know what makes me angryabout this relationship, what I
don't like about thisrelationship, what I value, what
I take responsibility for andwhat I'm releasing everything,
(22:44):
everything, everything.
Then I come to a place.
As I told someone, when I seeyou out in the streets or
anywhere, the stores I need tobe able to look at you and smile
and say hello and keep moving.
I don't want to look at you andfeel as if I could just beat
you over the head or run youover in the car, because, trust
me y'all, I have been there withthat.
I have been there to where Isee someone and I know they've
(23:06):
hurt me, they've did thesethings.
We were in a relationship andwhen I see him I just want to
run him over.
So I have to make sure that I'mokay.
So that's why I go through that, because when I see you I need
to be able to smile, say helloand keep moving and my heart
totally clear, pain gone, nolonger lives there.
(23:27):
How do you remove that personfrom your life?
Go through those steps andyou'll see what will happen.
It will be miraculous.
And you'll see what will happen.
It will be miraculous.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically.
Faith unmuted has allowed usonce again to ask ourselves the
kind of questions that will helpus get to the next level and
live this life unapologetically.
Your next step head on over towwwesthergramcom and let me know
(24:02):
what your favorite episode isAsk a question or share this
with a friend.
I can't wait to be with younext week as we dive deeper into
redefining what it means to bea Christian woman and redefining
what it means to live in ourtruth.
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