August 24, 2024 • 26 mins
What if living authentically as a Christian woman meant defying both societal and religious expectations?
On this episode of Faith Unmuted, I take you on a deeply personal journey from my upbringing in a parsonage in Guyana to the ongoing struggle with the pressure to conform. Through heartfelt childhood memories—like needing to see the light to complete morning prayers and sneaking peeks during family prayer—I illustrate my lifelong conflict with the idea of "faking it until you make it." This episode emphasizes the importance of seeking genuine light and embracing one’s true self, even amid external pressures.
I share with you my story of self-discovery and identity, shaped by the expectations of being a pastor's child. I expose some of the challenges, including a brief, tumultuous marriage to an alcoholic and the secrecy of my divorce. A pivotal moment came with my father's compassionate response, which encouraged me to openly share my experiences.
I focus on the journey towards self-acceptance and living unapologetically, highlighting the significance of acknowledging past mistakes and having those hard conversations she once avoided.
Tune in for inspiration to reflect on your own path to authenticity and self-acceptance.
Share your thoughts and favorite moment with me at www.esthergraham.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Welcome (00:00):
You are listening to Faith Unmuted.
The place where Christian womenget the opportunity to press
the button and say what theywant, how they want and exactly
how they feel.
The one place where, together,we can collectively walk through
our truths, liveunapologetically and stop hiding
.
Esther Graham (00:53):
The problem at large is not being allowed to
just be who you are, not beingable to authentically, let's say
, meaning we often have to fakeor pretend to be someone else or
to agree with something,because there's always this fear
of judgment or rejection, notbeing accepted, not being liked,
and so the problem at large isthat we're often trying to fit
in to someone else's mold orcircle and maybe just being who
(01:20):
we are and creating our own forwhat we feel comfortable with
and let me just go just a littlebit deeper what I feel
comfortable with.
I think most of my life I'vespent trying to fit in to what
everyone expected me to be.
And you know, I'm beginning tocome to terms that this is
(01:45):
really who I am.
This is me.
This is me.
I'm that person who always saidthat, no, I'm my own person,
I'm not fitting in, because Ifelt so rejected, I felt so
(02:08):
separated, so detached from somany different things.
You know, I began to look backat my life, not to really.
I've been really assessing mylife, really trying to figure
out who I am, and I justremember, you know, as a little
(02:30):
girl I'm from Guyana, southAmerica, and as a little girl,
so let me just give you a littlebackground of who I am.
I grew up in the parsonage.
You know when I was born.
I was born into a parsonage,and if you don't know what a
parsonage is, it's when yourparents are in ministry and
they're pastors.
And my parents my dad was apastor, my mother was an
(02:51):
educator and an entrepreneur butvery much supported my father.
In my eyes, she was the perfectpastor's wife.
No matter what she went through, she always maintained a look.
But I also remember with thatis that there were many times
that I would see her crying oversomething that happened in
(03:17):
church, that maybe she didn'tfeel very protected.
And so here I am now.
I'm the youngest out of sevensiblings and then, after I moved
out, I have a brother.
My parents adopted a brotherwhen we moved to the United
States.
But I grew up in this place, towhere you know.
(03:39):
I grew up in church.
I'm a church baby, I'm a churchgirl, right, and I've got the
best parents ever Like.
I've got all great memories ofthem and and yet I also have
memories to where you know,where my dad.
I know many times wish I wishEsther would just be quiet, so,
(03:59):
as a little girl they toldalways would tell me the story
that when I would wake up wewould kneel down and we would
say our prayers.
And this one particular morningI began my prayers.
Now I lay me down to sleep andpart of the prayer was or no,
now that I wake and see thelight.
That was it.
And I stopped because I didn'tsee the light.
(04:20):
And so I got up and I went tothe window and I pulled back the
curtains and I saw the light.
And I came back and I said nowI see the light.
And when I realized, thinkingabout that story that they told
me over and over again, is thatI have to see something, I have
to see the light, and if I don'tsee the light, I struggle, and
(04:45):
the light for me means severalthings.
And so, as I went through mylife in different stages, I
found that I was always lookingfor light, but pure light.
There's a saying that I oftenhear people say fake it till you
(05:06):
make it.
I think that is such adisservice that faking it is not
living in authenticity, andthat was something that always
bothered me, because I foundthat I can't fake it.
Yet I went to a place in mylife to where I suppressed
everything, that I just reallybegan to fake it.
(05:29):
I just remember one time inparticular I was at home and we
were all my brother was thereand we were all standing around
and my father, you know, calledus all to pray and we all stood
(05:50):
in a circle and we're prayingand I had my eyes open because I
wanted to see what everyoneelse was doing, and my brother,
who at the time time he's my, mymy siblings are way older than
me, like when I say I'm theyoungest, my, my brother, that's
(06:10):
right before me.
It's almost eight years olderthan me, so I'm very much the
youngest.
I'm the one that grew up in theUnited States, the longest
right, and so, um.
So there's just.
Just my thinking was just, Iguess, just really different
than the rest of my siblings.
So, or at least that was myperspective.
So he's standing there and heopens up his eyes and he looks
(06:33):
at me and then he whispersacross the room in the circle
close your eyes.
And I looked at him and I saidclose yours.
And so, because I couldn'tunderstand, why would I have to
close my eyes?
And so you know, like I saidI'm this church girl.
And I said at the end he beginsto lecture me.
My parents aren't sayinganything.
(06:54):
He lectures me on howdisrespectful I am and and how I
should have closed my eyes andthat's what's required, and and
all of these different things.
And here it is once again.
I can't be who I am, I'mlooking, there's a reason.
And so I said to him but youopened up your eyes and you saw
me, so your eyes weren't closed.
(07:15):
And if the rule is that we haveto keep our eyes closed the
entire time, what are you doinglooking at me and how am I wrong
?
And how are you doing lookingat me and how am I wrong and how
are you right?
Here's the other piece is thatI look at the practicality of
all of this and it's like itsays watch and pray.
So I'm watching, but who's tojudge?
(07:38):
And say because I'm watching,I'm not praying?
The problem at large is thatwe're always being judged.
I'm always being judged forwhat I do, what I don't do, what
I say, what I don't say, how Ireact, how I look.
(07:59):
I've grown up with judgment allof my life, and it wasn't just
in the church.
Sometimes it was in my family,it was at school, it was in the
community.
When we moved to the UnitedStates, we moved to a place
(08:23):
where my father comes overbecause the church brings him
over to pastor anAfrican-American church.
One problem with that?
We're not African-Americans,we're black, but we're not
African-Americans.
And someone may think itobviously they did.
And someone may think it,obviously they did.
(08:44):
What's the problem with that?
Because it was the whitedenomination that brought us
over, which was a great thing,but for me it was painful,
because when I'm home, I livedin Guyana with my culture, where
(09:08):
my parents didn't spend a lotof time teaching me about not
being accepted Because of myculture, because of the color of
my skin, because of how Ilooked and how I behaved.
All they ever taught me wasEsther, be you and just love and
(09:33):
, as much as that is within you,just live at peace with
everyone, despite how theybehave, despite what they do.
I think, if I was to think ofone thing that really bothered
me about my upbringing, was thatpiece right there, because what
that meant for me was that Igot, I had to squash everything,
(09:56):
everything that mattered to meor how I felt, and I think that,
whether you grew up in a churchor wherever it is that you grew
up.
We spend a lot of our lives, Idid, squashing how I believed,
squashing my hurt, my pain,right, not being able to express
(10:21):
how I really felt what mybeliefs really were.
That I come to America, I'm notaccepted because I'm not black
enough.
And then in the white world,I'm not white, and so I had to
(10:42):
learn how to navigate, being inboth worlds, really being in
three worlds, and so alwaysbecoming what someone else wants
me to be.
So with my white friends, I waswhite, I talked white.
(11:04):
Well, that's how I talked.
Anyway, I acted white.
I talked white.
Well, that's how I talked.
Anyway, I acted white.
And when I was with the blackpeople, they didn't like me
because I was black on theoutside and white on the inside.
What do you do with that?
I spent my whole life, my entirelife, just trying to be Esther,
(11:33):
but then I realized I didn'teven know who Esther was anymore
after a while, because I justlost myself, living up to a
standard that everyone else puton me, not really knowing who I
(12:02):
was.
I kept fighting, thinking I canemerge, but then when I emerged
too much, somebody would comeand say, no, this isn't right,
you shouldn't be doing this,this is not what pastor's kids
do, this isn't what you shouldbe doing.
(12:22):
And so I would pull back andjust go into hiding again, going
to being what everyone elsethought I should be as I grew up
in my adult life.
I got married, got divorced,married a person from my country
(12:58):
.
My marriage maybe last maybetwo years, I don't even know,
don't even remember we had a sonwithin the two years.
I don't even know, don't evenremember we had a son within the
two years.
And I remember, once again, notjust being allowed to live and
not understanding you know whatwas going on.
(13:19):
I, I married this man.
We had, by the way, the perfectwedding was going on.
I married this man.
We had, by the way, the perfectwedding.
And, believe it or not, on thatrehearsal dinner I said to my
then in-laws I don't think thismarriage is going to work.
I said that to them.
I clearly remember, and Iremember I was saying it wasn't
(13:40):
going to work because he's doingall these different things.
But here I am, I'm now gettingmarried.
My parents have spent all thismoney I've got to live this life
that looks so perfect.
That's what I put on myself.
I don't want to say my parentsput it on me, because I just
think that I just made thosedecisions because of what I
(14:01):
believed and what I thought Ihad to be.
And maybe it was put on meindirectly or directly, I don't
even know.
At this point, all I know isthat I was living this and
within the two years, I foundthat I couldn't live it anymore.
He was an alcoholic, but what Ialso did not want to do was
disappoint my entire family.
(14:22):
I had a brother that got adivorce.
I had a brother that got adivorce.
I had a sister that got adivorce, and I knew that my
parents weren't happy about it,but they accepted it, and I was
so determined to make my parentsproud and to stand and be that
person that's going to justgoing to do something and stand,
and so I didn't want todisappoint them.
(14:43):
So what did I do?
Hiding again, I snuck and Iwent and I got my divorce.
Because, while I'm trying toshow up and be this, there's
this part of me that was like oh, this is how I'm feeling about
this and I just can't live likethis and I can't do this, and so
if I can't live out loud andsay what I say and feel what I
(15:07):
feel and do what I do, then I'mjust going to quietly do it.
And so I never forget.
I left him quietly, no one knew,and I called my best friend at
the time we were suite mates incollege and I called her and I
(15:30):
said I got to get a divorce, I'mgetting a divorce, and she said
OK, what do you need?
And she was there for me and Ihad my child and she kept him
while I quietly went and got adivorce.
I didn't tell my sisters, Ididn't tell anyone, I just did
it and I never talked about howpainful that was for me, that I
(16:03):
felt like a failure.
I felt like if I disappointednot just my parents but my
entire family.
Here we are a Christian family,my parents are pastors and they
were pastors and they wereexcellent pastoring all these
people.
And here I am with a marriagethat didn't even last two years.
(16:26):
I have a child and I walkedthrough it by myself and
although my friend was with me,I still did it alone.
It's like I felt I just had todo this alone, and it was a
(16:47):
while before I told anyone I gota divorce.
It was a while before I toldanyone that I was separated.
I just quietly did it, quietly,showed up, smiling, and then,
(17:09):
when I finally told them, myfather really said the best
thing to me.
He said, esther, in his accentI wish you would have told us so
we could have been there withyou and for you.
I wish you would have given usthe chance.
(17:39):
And so from that point on, Ibegan just a little bit, maybe
sharing just a little bit morewith my parents of what I was
experiencing and what I wasgoing through, and I remember my
father being very protective ofme, especially with the divorce
.
My mother was a little bitharder on me, you know, because
(18:02):
what they didn't realize,because I never talked about how
I was feeling, growing up inthe United States and the
different worlds and trying toshow up in the different worlds
and being able to sometimesspeak my mind, but not speak it
too much.
You know, listen to my brothersand sisters tell me that I'm
the spoiled one because I gotaway with stuff that they never
(18:24):
got away with.
Listen, we were so strict in mysenior year of high school here
in the US.
You know, I got my ears pierced.
My brothers and sisters, mysisters especially they were all
married and never got theirears pierced.
I got my ears pierced, you know, my dad had a fit about it, but
I did it anyway.
And then after that they wentand got their ears pierced, you
(18:48):
know.
So I always said well see, I'mthe leader of the family.
I'm the youngest, but I'm theleader.
What it really was is that Iwas the one that would go
against the odds, but I wouldquietly do it in my own subtle
way.
I think the problem at large isthat many of us do that.
We'll show up and we live outas what people want us to, and
(19:11):
then, behind closed doors, iswho we really are.
We get to a place.
I got to a place where I justneed to be me right here, to a
place I got to a place where Ijust need to be me right here
and going through my divorce, Iwent through a period where I
(19:35):
just really had to find myselfbecause the divorce was just so
hard.
I now had this child.
I was a single mom, nevertalked about this struggling
with me, because now, not onlywas I judged for other things,
(19:59):
you know.
But now I'm going to be judgedbecause I'm this divorced woman
with a child and sometimes Iwould leave my son with my
parents and I would just go outWith people that I met and just
(20:24):
have a good time and just party,because I just needed the
release.
They wouldn't know where I was,they wouldn't even know who I
was with.
I had my friends that I justfelt that I could just be me
with, I could just release and Icould say you know what, it
(20:46):
doesn't matter.
And I found that I was livingthat a lot like going into
places where I could justrelease.
I was just so lost, I was justso hurt and I didn't know.
You know, I could pray about it, which I did, but there was
(21:06):
just still always somethingmissing, what was wrong.
I was always going back towhat's wrong with me.
I would go back to why did myparents even bring me to this
country?
Why did we have to come here?
Why did I get married, turnedout, I really felt I got married
(21:27):
because that's what I felt Ishould have been.
That was the automatic.
Next step, you know, I realizednot fair to my ex is that I got
married because I felt that wasjust something I should do.
I got married because I was ina hurt place and I thought
(21:52):
marriage was going to heal me,was going to cover me, and I
found out it didn't do that atall.
As a matter of fact, my ex, whowas also a PK preacher's kid,
was running from something aswell, and he spent his time
drinking and running, and thatwas something I couldn't do.
(22:13):
Y'all.
I was such a mess that Iremember I tried to run him over
.
That's how crazy I was in myhead and no one knew really knew
what I was going through andwhat I was experiencing, because
(22:36):
I kept it quiet.
I would show up as everyoneexpected me to show up.
I would be what everybodyexpected me to be, and I took
that same behavior in differentparts of my life in different
ways, showing up and being whateverybody else wanted me to be.
(23:02):
This is me.
This is just who I am, and sonow I'm at the place to where I
just want to be 100% who I amthe good, the bad and the ugly.
(23:25):
I've got stories after stories,I realized, when I really began
to think about my life, ofareas to where I've just not
shown up fully, just partially,I've just felt judged, I've felt
disconnected.
Showing up fully, justpartially, I've just felt judged
(23:49):
, I've felt disconnected.
I've overcompensated, trying tofix things that I really can't
fix.
I'm on this journey right now ofrediscovering Esther once again
(24:10):
.
I've discovered her in differentparts of my life.
You know how you have differentsections.
Sometimes we compartmentalizeour lives, you know, and so I've
got different sections and I'vediscovered or rediscovered
different sections.
I think I'm at the place rightnow where I'm just ready to
rediscover all of it and bringit all together the good, the
(24:31):
bad and the ugly, and just faceit and deal with it and talk
about it and live my life theway I was created to live in the
first place and that feltreally good saying that, yeah,
I'm ready to embrace the partsthat have caused me to cry in my
(24:55):
secret, closet to where I wouldjust go away and I would cry
and I would wipe my eyes andwipe my tears, like probably
many of you have, and I wouldget up and I would show up.
I'm ready to say this is not meand this is me now.
(25:22):
I'm ready to have those hardconversations.
I'm ready to say I'm sorry forthe things I've never said I'm
sorry for.
I need to start with myself andsay, esther, you did yourself a
disservice.
I'm ready to embrace me.
(25:43):
This is me.
Welcome (25:48):
Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically.
Faith unmuted has allowed usonce again to ask ourselves the
kind of questions that will helpus get to the next level and
live this life unapologetically.
Your next step head on over towwwesthergramcom and let me know
(26:09):
what your favorite episode isAsk a question or share this
with a friend.
I can't wait to be with younext week as we dive deeper into
redefining what it means to bea Christian woman and redefining
what it means to live in ourtruth.
You are listening to Faith Unmuted.
The place where Christian womenget the opportunity to press
the button and say what theywant, how they want and exactly
how they feel.
The one place where, together,we can collectively walk through
our truths, liveunapologetically and stop hiding
.
Esther Graham (00:53):
The problem at large is not being allowed to
just be who you are, not beingable to authentically, let's say
, meaning we often have to fakeor pretend to be someone else or
to agree with something,because there's always this fear
of judgment or rejection, notbeing accepted, not being liked,
and so the problem at large isthat we're often trying to fit
in to someone else's mold orcircle and maybe just being who
(01:20):
we are and creating our own forwhat we feel comfortable with
and let me just go just a littlebit deeper what I feel
comfortable with.
I think most of my life I'vespent trying to fit in to what
everyone expected me to be.
And you know, I'm beginning tocome to terms that this is
(01:45):
really who I am.
This is me.
This is me.
I'm that person who always saidthat, no, I'm my own person,
I'm not fitting in, because Ifelt so rejected, I felt so
(02:08):
separated, so detached from somany different things.
You know, I began to look backat my life, not to really.
I've been really assessing mylife, really trying to figure
out who I am, and I justremember, you know, as a little
(02:30):
girl I'm from Guyana, southAmerica, and as a little girl,
so let me just give you a littlebackground of who I am.
I grew up in the parsonage.
You know when I was born.
I was born into a parsonage,and if you don't know what a
parsonage is, it's when yourparents are in ministry and
they're pastors.
And my parents my dad was apastor, my mother was an
(02:51):
educator and an entrepreneur butvery much supported my father.
In my eyes, she was the perfectpastor's wife.
No matter what she went through, she always maintained a look.
But I also remember with thatis that there were many times
that I would see her crying oversomething that happened in
(03:17):
church, that maybe she didn'tfeel very protected.
And so here I am now.
I'm the youngest out of sevensiblings and then, after I moved
out, I have a brother.
My parents adopted a brotherwhen we moved to the United
States.
But I grew up in this place, towhere you know.
(03:39):
I grew up in church.
I'm a church baby, I'm a churchgirl, right, and I've got the
best parents ever Like.
I've got all great memories ofthem and and yet I also have
memories to where you know,where my dad.
I know many times wish I wishEsther would just be quiet, so,
(03:59):
as a little girl they toldalways would tell me the story
that when I would wake up wewould kneel down and we would
say our prayers.
And this one particular morningI began my prayers.
Now I lay me down to sleep andpart of the prayer was or no,
now that I wake and see thelight.
That was it.
And I stopped because I didn'tsee the light.
(04:20):
And so I got up and I went tothe window and I pulled back the
curtains and I saw the light.
And I came back and I said nowI see the light.
And when I realized, thinkingabout that story that they told
me over and over again, is thatI have to see something, I have
to see the light, and if I don'tsee the light, I struggle, and
(04:45):
the light for me means severalthings.
And so, as I went through mylife in different stages, I
found that I was always lookingfor light, but pure light.
There's a saying that I oftenhear people say fake it till you
(05:06):
make it.
I think that is such adisservice that faking it is not
living in authenticity, andthat was something that always
bothered me, because I foundthat I can't fake it.
Yet I went to a place in mylife to where I suppressed
everything, that I just reallybegan to fake it.
(05:29):
I just remember one time inparticular I was at home and we
were all my brother was thereand we were all standing around
and my father, you know, calledus all to pray and we all stood
(05:50):
in a circle and we're prayingand I had my eyes open because I
wanted to see what everyoneelse was doing, and my brother,
who at the time time he's my, mymy siblings are way older than
me, like when I say I'm theyoungest, my, my brother, that's
(06:10):
right before me.
It's almost eight years olderthan me, so I'm very much the
youngest.
I'm the one that grew up in theUnited States, the longest
right, and so, um.
So there's just.
Just my thinking was just, Iguess, just really different
than the rest of my siblings.
So, or at least that was myperspective.
So he's standing there and heopens up his eyes and he looks
(06:33):
at me and then he whispersacross the room in the circle
close your eyes.
And I looked at him and I saidclose yours.
And so, because I couldn'tunderstand, why would I have to
close my eyes?
And so you know, like I saidI'm this church girl.
And I said at the end he beginsto lecture me.
My parents aren't sayinganything.
(06:54):
He lectures me on howdisrespectful I am and and how I
should have closed my eyes andthat's what's required, and and
all of these different things.
And here it is once again.
I can't be who I am, I'mlooking, there's a reason.
And so I said to him but youopened up your eyes and you saw
me, so your eyes weren't closed.
(07:15):
And if the rule is that we haveto keep our eyes closed the
entire time, what are you doinglooking at me and how am I wrong
?
And how are you doing lookingat me and how am I wrong and how
are you right?
Here's the other piece is thatI look at the practicality of
all of this and it's like itsays watch and pray.
So I'm watching, but who's tojudge?
(07:38):
And say because I'm watching,I'm not praying?
The problem at large is thatwe're always being judged.
I'm always being judged forwhat I do, what I don't do, what
I say, what I don't say, how Ireact, how I look.
(07:59):
I've grown up with judgment allof my life, and it wasn't just
in the church.
Sometimes it was in my family,it was at school, it was in the
community.
When we moved to the UnitedStates, we moved to a place
(08:23):
where my father comes overbecause the church brings him
over to pastor anAfrican-American church.
One problem with that?
We're not African-Americans,we're black, but we're not
African-Americans.
And someone may think itobviously they did.
And someone may think it,obviously they did.
(08:44):
What's the problem with that?
Because it was the whitedenomination that brought us
over, which was a great thing,but for me it was painful,
because when I'm home, I livedin Guyana with my culture, where
(09:08):
my parents didn't spend a lotof time teaching me about not
being accepted Because of myculture, because of the color of
my skin, because of how Ilooked and how I behaved.
All they ever taught me wasEsther, be you and just love and
(09:33):
, as much as that is within you,just live at peace with
everyone, despite how theybehave, despite what they do.
I think, if I was to think ofone thing that really bothered
me about my upbringing, was thatpiece right there, because what
that meant for me was that Igot, I had to squash everything,
(09:56):
everything that mattered to meor how I felt, and I think that,
whether you grew up in a churchor wherever it is that you grew
up.
We spend a lot of our lives, Idid, squashing how I believed,
squashing my hurt, my pain,right, not being able to express
(10:21):
how I really felt what mybeliefs really were.
That I come to America, I'm notaccepted because I'm not black
enough.
And then in the white world,I'm not white, and so I had to
(10:42):
learn how to navigate, being inboth worlds, really being in
three worlds, and so alwaysbecoming what someone else wants
me to be.
So with my white friends, I waswhite, I talked white.
(11:04):
Well, that's how I talked.
Anyway, I acted white.
I talked white.
Well, that's how I talked.
Anyway, I acted white.
And when I was with the blackpeople, they didn't like me
because I was black on theoutside and white on the inside.
What do you do with that?
I spent my whole life, my entirelife, just trying to be Esther,
(11:33):
but then I realized I didn'teven know who Esther was anymore
after a while, because I justlost myself, living up to a
standard that everyone else puton me, not really knowing who I
(12:02):
was.
I kept fighting, thinking I canemerge, but then when I emerged
too much, somebody would comeand say, no, this isn't right,
you shouldn't be doing this,this is not what pastor's kids
do, this isn't what you shouldbe doing.
(12:22):
And so I would pull back andjust go into hiding again, going
to being what everyone elsethought I should be as I grew up
in my adult life.
I got married, got divorced,married a person from my country
(12:58):
.
My marriage maybe last maybetwo years, I don't even know,
don't even remember we had a sonwithin the two years.
I don't even know, don't evenremember we had a son within the
two years.
And I remember, once again, notjust being allowed to live and
not understanding you know whatwas going on.
(13:19):
I, I married this man.
We had, by the way, the perfectwedding was going on.
I married this man.
We had, by the way, the perfectwedding.
And, believe it or not, on thatrehearsal dinner I said to my
then in-laws I don't think thismarriage is going to work.
I said that to them.
I clearly remember, and Iremember I was saying it wasn't
(13:40):
going to work because he's doingall these different things.
But here I am, I'm now gettingmarried.
My parents have spent all thismoney I've got to live this life
that looks so perfect.
That's what I put on myself.
I don't want to say my parentsput it on me, because I just
think that I just made thosedecisions because of what I
(14:01):
believed and what I thought Ihad to be.
And maybe it was put on meindirectly or directly, I don't
even know.
At this point, all I know isthat I was living this and
within the two years, I foundthat I couldn't live it anymore.
He was an alcoholic, but what Ialso did not want to do was
disappoint my entire family.
(14:22):
I had a brother that got adivorce.
I had a brother that got adivorce.
I had a sister that got adivorce, and I knew that my
parents weren't happy about it,but they accepted it, and I was
so determined to make my parentsproud and to stand and be that
person that's going to justgoing to do something and stand,
and so I didn't want todisappoint them.
(14:43):
So what did I do?
Hiding again, I snuck and Iwent and I got my divorce.
Because, while I'm trying toshow up and be this, there's
this part of me that was like oh, this is how I'm feeling about
this and I just can't live likethis and I can't do this, and so
if I can't live out loud andsay what I say and feel what I
(15:07):
feel and do what I do, then I'mjust going to quietly do it.
And so I never forget.
I left him quietly, no one knew,and I called my best friend at
the time we were suite mates incollege and I called her and I
(15:30):
said I got to get a divorce, I'mgetting a divorce, and she said
OK, what do you need?
And she was there for me and Ihad my child and she kept him
while I quietly went and got adivorce.
I didn't tell my sisters, Ididn't tell anyone, I just did
it and I never talked about howpainful that was for me, that I
(16:03):
felt like a failure.
I felt like if I disappointednot just my parents but my
entire family.
Here we are a Christian family,my parents are pastors and they
were pastors and they wereexcellent pastoring all these
people.
And here I am with a marriagethat didn't even last two years.
(16:26):
I have a child and I walkedthrough it by myself and
although my friend was with me,I still did it alone.
It's like I felt I just had todo this alone, and it was a
(16:47):
while before I told anyone I gota divorce.
It was a while before I toldanyone that I was separated.
I just quietly did it, quietly,showed up, smiling, and then,
(17:09):
when I finally told them, myfather really said the best
thing to me.
He said, esther, in his accentI wish you would have told us so
we could have been there withyou and for you.
I wish you would have given usthe chance.
(17:39):
And so from that point on, Ibegan just a little bit, maybe
sharing just a little bit morewith my parents of what I was
experiencing and what I wasgoing through, and I remember my
father being very protective ofme, especially with the divorce
.
My mother was a little bitharder on me, you know, because
(18:02):
what they didn't realize,because I never talked about how
I was feeling, growing up inthe United States and the
different worlds and trying toshow up in the different worlds
and being able to sometimesspeak my mind, but not speak it
too much.
You know, listen to my brothersand sisters tell me that I'm
the spoiled one because I gotaway with stuff that they never
(18:24):
got away with.
Listen, we were so strict in mysenior year of high school here
in the US.
You know, I got my ears pierced.
My brothers and sisters, mysisters especially they were all
married and never got theirears pierced.
I got my ears pierced, you know, my dad had a fit about it, but
I did it anyway.
And then after that they wentand got their ears pierced, you
(18:48):
know.
So I always said well see, I'mthe leader of the family.
I'm the youngest, but I'm theleader.
What it really was is that Iwas the one that would go
against the odds, but I wouldquietly do it in my own subtle
way.
I think the problem at large isthat many of us do that.
We'll show up and we live outas what people want us to, and
(19:11):
then, behind closed doors, iswho we really are.
We get to a place.
I got to a place where I justneed to be me right here, to a
place I got to a place where Ijust need to be me right here
and going through my divorce, Iwent through a period where I
(19:35):
just really had to find myselfbecause the divorce was just so
hard.
I now had this child.
I was a single mom, nevertalked about this struggling
with me, because now, not onlywas I judged for other things,
(19:59):
you know.
But now I'm going to be judgedbecause I'm this divorced woman
with a child and sometimes Iwould leave my son with my
parents and I would just go outWith people that I met and just
(20:24):
have a good time and just party,because I just needed the
release.
They wouldn't know where I was,they wouldn't even know who I
was with.
I had my friends that I justfelt that I could just be me
with, I could just release and Icould say you know what, it
(20:46):
doesn't matter.
And I found that I was livingthat a lot like going into
places where I could justrelease.
I was just so lost, I was justso hurt and I didn't know.
You know, I could pray about it, which I did, but there was
(21:06):
just still always somethingmissing, what was wrong.
I was always going back towhat's wrong with me.
I would go back to why did myparents even bring me to this
country?
Why did we have to come here?
Why did I get married, turnedout, I really felt I got married
(21:27):
because that's what I felt Ishould have been.
That was the automatic.
Next step, you know, I realizednot fair to my ex is that I got
married because I felt that wasjust something I should do.
I got married because I was ina hurt place and I thought
(21:52):
marriage was going to heal me,was going to cover me, and I
found out it didn't do that atall.
As a matter of fact, my ex, whowas also a PK preacher's kid,
was running from something aswell, and he spent his time
drinking and running, and thatwas something I couldn't do.
(22:13):
Y'all.
I was such a mess that Iremember I tried to run him over
.
That's how crazy I was in myhead and no one knew really knew
what I was going through andwhat I was experiencing, because
(22:36):
I kept it quiet.
I would show up as everyoneexpected me to show up.
I would be what everybodyexpected me to be, and I took
that same behavior in differentparts of my life in different
ways, showing up and being whateverybody else wanted me to be.
(23:02):
This is me.
This is just who I am, and sonow I'm at the place to where I
just want to be 100% who I amthe good, the bad and the ugly.
(23:25):
I've got stories after stories,I realized, when I really began
to think about my life, ofareas to where I've just not
shown up fully, just partially,I've just felt judged, I've felt
disconnected.
Showing up fully, justpartially, I've just felt judged
(23:49):
, I've felt disconnected.
I've overcompensated, trying tofix things that I really can't
fix.
I'm on this journey right now ofrediscovering Esther once again
(24:10):
.
I've discovered her in differentparts of my life.
You know how you have differentsections.
Sometimes we compartmentalizeour lives, you know, and so I've
got different sections and I'vediscovered or rediscovered
different sections.
I think I'm at the place rightnow where I'm just ready to
rediscover all of it and bringit all together the good, the
(24:31):
bad and the ugly, and just faceit and deal with it and talk
about it and live my life theway I was created to live in the
first place and that feltreally good saying that, yeah,
I'm ready to embrace the partsthat have caused me to cry in my
(24:55):
secret, closet to where I wouldjust go away and I would cry
and I would wipe my eyes andwipe my tears, like probably
many of you have, and I wouldget up and I would show up.
I'm ready to say this is not meand this is me now.
(25:22):
I'm ready to have those hardconversations.
I'm ready to say I'm sorry forthe things I've never said I'm
sorry for.
I need to start with myself andsay, esther, you did yourself a
disservice.
I'm ready to embrace me.
(25:43):
This is me.
Welcome (25:48):
Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically.
Faith unmuted has allowed usonce again to ask ourselves the
kind of questions that will helpus get to the next level and
live this life unapologetically.
Your next step head on over towwwesthergramcom and let me know
(26:09):
what your favorite episode isAsk a question or share this
with a friend.
I can't wait to be with younext week as we dive deeper into
redefining what it means to bea Christian woman and redefining
what it means to live in ourtruth.
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