November 23, 2024 • 16 mins
The Devil's Worst Mistake: When Lies Almost Took My Life. In this raw and deeply personal episode of Over It, I open up about one of the darkest chapters of my life—when the enemy’s relentless lies pushed me to the brink of giving up. But the Devil underestimated one thing: the truth of God's love is stronger than his deception.
I’ll share how I confronted the lies, battled suicidal thoughts, and found freedom through the grace and power of the Holy Spirit. This is more than a testimony; it’s a roadmap for anyone struggling with the weight of despair, hurt, or spiritual attack.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to FaithWorks, Real Life, Real Truth.
(00:04):
I'm Josh Mullins and together we'll explore how biblical truths
shape the way we live every day, no talk, just real talk,
real faith, and a real God who's with us in it all.
Glad to hear it.
(00:43):
How's everybody doing today?
I just want to share more on this book that is coming out here
probably in a couple months called Over It.
And today we're going to talk about the Devil's Worst Mistake.
Now, I want to ask you a question.
(01:05):
Have you ever been beaten so badly, I'm talking about physically
and emotionally and spiritually, that you started to think maybe
you deserved it?
And I don't mean just a slap or an argument.
I mean, being beat, bloodied, knocked out, kicked, smothered,
(01:29):
whatever you want to call it, whatever it looked like to you,
I know what it looks like to me.
But I felt like I deserved it because I was hurt so bad.
It was the words that hurt the most.
You know, I wasn't just hurt.
I felt like I was hunted.
(01:52):
You know, they didn't stop just with the physical abuse or the
insults.
They smothered me.
I'm literally, I don't like to share this too much, but literally
they, my offenders, which I'll never name them, and love does
cover a multitude of sin.
(02:13):
And the reason why I want to kind of be more explicit about this is
because some people believe that they can't get free is because of
the trauma that they experienced.
Now, I want to be vulnerable with you, and I want to make you aware
of some things that was done to me, not to put myself on a pedestal
(02:39):
of victim mentality or anything like that, but I want to make you
aware that the pain that I felt, the words that were, that scarred me
for a long time, I never dreamed in a million years that I could ever
have a relationship with those people again.
(03:05):
Now, there were moments, repeatedly, moments where they would hold me
down and beat me and smother me.
While they were saying at the same time, I love you, I am sorry.
(03:29):
This is for your own good.
And this would happen over and over and over.
And the pain, the scars that I lived with, lasted a long time.
(03:52):
And you know, those type of scars, those emotional scars, they're hard
to shake sometimes, and you know, those moments, not the actual offender,
but those moments, those words come back to haunt you, making you feel
(04:17):
like you're still worthless.
They make you feel like you still deserved what you got.
You feel looked over and undervalued because of something that was etched
so deep within you, it became your belief system.
(04:44):
And beliefs are hard to, once you believe in something for so long, it's
hard to shake and renew your mind to something else.
And that's why Romans 12, 2 talks about renewing your mind by the Word of God.
Don't be conformed to the patterns of this world.
You know, the patterns of abuse, the patterns of hurt, the patterns of
(05:07):
whatever it may be.
We don't talk about those things in church too much.
And I know because I lived this life so long of being a victim, I didn't feel
like there was any hope or help.
And that's mainly why I'm writing this, that's why I wrote this book.
(05:29):
It's already finished.
And it's based on my experiences, how I overcame hurt.
And I'm not going to just sugarcoat things because even though I overcame
things, I still have those moments again, like I was saying, that they still
try to haunt me.
(05:53):
But, you know, words seem to stick very, very deep in your heart.
You know, the words like, you're stupid.
I hate you.
I wish you were dead.
You'll never amount to be anything.
You'll never be able to do anything good because you're stupid.
(06:15):
I've heard those words for a very long time.
You know, the insults, they were carving into my very soul one word at a time.
And the word, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
I love you.
You know, love was just a word to me that was attached to pain and lies.
(06:40):
That's what love looked like to me.
I'm sorry looked like an empty word to me because I've heard it so much.
I actually wrote a poem called A Thousand Sorrys.
I'll have to share it with you sometime.
You know, they would say I'm sorry and then turn around and do it all over again.
(07:02):
What I was really believing is their sorry was just another opportunity to bring me a little closer so they can hit me harder.
And I carried their words like chains.
And every time I looked in the mirror, I didn't see me anymore.
(07:27):
All I seen was lies that were staring back at me, that I was nothing.
I'll never be free.
And after a while, I stopped fighting.
Now, I'm going to share some graphic stuff with you because what I'm about to say and why I wrote this book was, again, not to sugarcoat anything, just to write a book.
(07:51):
Life gets messy.
Circumstances hit hard.
Things come to, well, Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.
And he does a pretty good job at it.
I want to share this with you and I'm going to end with this moment here and we'll move on to the next thing.
I just want to make you aware how important this is to my heart.
(08:18):
So I'm going to place myself in the vulnerability, the chair of vulnerability. And here it is.
The night I almost gave up.
You know, at a very young age, I started thinking and believing my life was worthless.
(08:40):
I was contemplating suicide at a very early age, very early.
And then when I turned 18 years old.
And listen, I was saved.
(09:01):
I went to church, did all the right things.
But I was still tormented by this thing.
So one night when I was 18 years old.
Life, this circumstance became too much.
I wasn't just tired. I wasn't just broken. I was I was done.
(09:26):
I was done fighting. I was done hoping. I was done breathing.
And I sat alone in the dark holding a rope in my hands.
I remember my hands shaking, my heart.
It felt cold.
It was like I had no fear.
(09:52):
I tied that rope and I threw it over this little beam.
And I climbed up on one of them step stools.
And I tighten it around this beam and put it around my neck after, you know, and I stood there and I tighten it up on my neck.
(10:15):
And for the first time in years, the world, the lies, everything felt quiet.
You know, no more screaming in my head, no more chains dragging me down, just silence.
And that silence, it felt like peace.
I thought maybe this is it. Maybe this is how it's going to end.
(10:39):
And I'm going to tell you, people that are on the verge of suicide, they don't tell anybody.
They hide their pain very well.
But just as I was about to step off that stool, all these years of carrying this, something hit me.
(11:07):
It wasn't a voice. It wasn't thunder or lightning. It was like a like a slap, like a sobering moment.
And I saw myself standing there ready to throw everything away because of lies, because of chains, because of hate.
And something, it was like I was intoxicated on these lies, this bitterness, this hate, this torment.
(11:34):
And it was almost like a sobering effect come over me.
And I was like, what am I doing?
And I ripped that rope off my neck and I threw it behind me and I jumped off that stool like my life depended on it because it did.
(11:55):
But I hit the floor and I wasn't relieved. I wasn't grateful. I was furious.
And I didn't fall to my knees and thank God for saving me. I didn't do that.
I hit the floor screaming and crying and shaking and cursing God.
I said, why God? Why did you let this happen to me? Where were you when all this stuff was taking place in my life?
(12:23):
Why didn't you stop them? I mean, being young, 18 years old, I poured out every ounce of anger, every piece of bitterness, every part of my soul.
I blamed God. I cursed him. And I and you know what? He didn't strike me down.
He didn't leave me. But he drew closer to me for some reason.
(12:45):
He let me yell. He let me cry. He let me pour out every dark ugly thing I've been carrying for years.
And when I was done, when I was completely empty of everything, he moved in.
And there was just this peace over me, a peace so deep it stopped me.
(13:09):
It just it's hard to describe. I guess it's that peace that surpasses all understanding that the word of God says.
And I heard this voice inside me says I was always there.
You know, this piece didn't erase the scars. It didn't undo the pain. But it gave me enough strength to get up off that floor and and to slowly start fighting for my life.
(13:40):
And as I slowly started to get up, I stared at that hanging rope and some I mean, just hit me like, my goodness.
It was a long it was still a long journey ahead. Very long journey.
(14:04):
And yes, there was times again after that, I just felt like ending it.
Just because you got one sobering moment doesn't fix it. It doesn't really fix much.
It just wakes you up a little bit. But I knew I needed to do something.
(14:27):
And that's what this book's about, because I'm talking about the reality of when you do forgive, what happens when you fall back or when you do repent?
What happens when you fall back? When you do reconcile or want to reconcile with someone?
What do you do when they reject you? What do you do?
(14:51):
Those things are real to me because I walk through them and I'm not just going to give you seven steps to overcoming offense.
Because it's not that easy, guys. It's really not. It's not easy to just go through these steps. Yeah, you could go through them and still be motionless.
(15:13):
My heart and your heart has to be in it.
Now, I just want to end that with with saying that. So, guys, just bear with me.
I poured a little bit of my heart out. I didn't go into a great, great detail.
(15:34):
But I just wanted to give you some some structure here, something because I want to let you know that I really know what I'm talking about with this.
So just bear with me. Come come with me again.
Just go with this journey with me, because I'm going to tell you that this journey is not easy.
(15:56):
And it does require work. It requires your faith. It requires your action, you know, because we are co-laborers with Christ Jesus.
So God bless you and have a great rest of your day.
Thanks for joining me today on FaithWorks. Real life, real training.
(16:17):
I hope you found something that speaks to you and helps you live out your faith more boldly.
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to follow, like and share the podcast with others.
Until next time, stay grounded in truth and keep living out your faith.
Welcome to FaithWorks, Real Life, Real Truth.
(00:04):
I'm Josh Mullins and together we'll explore how biblical truths
shape the way we live every day, no talk, just real talk,
real faith, and a real God who's with us in it all.
Glad to hear it.
(00:43):
How's everybody doing today?
I just want to share more on this book that is coming out here
probably in a couple months called Over It.
And today we're going to talk about the Devil's Worst Mistake.
Now, I want to ask you a question.
(01:05):
Have you ever been beaten so badly, I'm talking about physically
and emotionally and spiritually, that you started to think maybe
you deserved it?
And I don't mean just a slap or an argument.
I mean, being beat, bloodied, knocked out, kicked, smothered,
(01:29):
whatever you want to call it, whatever it looked like to you,
I know what it looks like to me.
But I felt like I deserved it because I was hurt so bad.
It was the words that hurt the most.
You know, I wasn't just hurt.
I felt like I was hunted.
(01:52):
You know, they didn't stop just with the physical abuse or the
insults.
They smothered me.
I'm literally, I don't like to share this too much, but literally
they, my offenders, which I'll never name them, and love does
cover a multitude of sin.
(02:13):
And the reason why I want to kind of be more explicit about this is
because some people believe that they can't get free is because of
the trauma that they experienced.
Now, I want to be vulnerable with you, and I want to make you aware
of some things that was done to me, not to put myself on a pedestal
(02:39):
of victim mentality or anything like that, but I want to make you
aware that the pain that I felt, the words that were, that scarred me
for a long time, I never dreamed in a million years that I could ever
have a relationship with those people again.
(03:05):
Now, there were moments, repeatedly, moments where they would hold me
down and beat me and smother me.
While they were saying at the same time, I love you, I am sorry.
(03:29):
This is for your own good.
And this would happen over and over and over.
And the pain, the scars that I lived with, lasted a long time.
(03:52):
And you know, those type of scars, those emotional scars, they're hard
to shake sometimes, and you know, those moments, not the actual offender,
but those moments, those words come back to haunt you, making you feel
(04:17):
like you're still worthless.
They make you feel like you still deserved what you got.
You feel looked over and undervalued because of something that was etched
so deep within you, it became your belief system.
(04:44):
And beliefs are hard to, once you believe in something for so long, it's
hard to shake and renew your mind to something else.
And that's why Romans 12, 2 talks about renewing your mind by the Word of God.
Don't be conformed to the patterns of this world.
You know, the patterns of abuse, the patterns of hurt, the patterns of
(05:07):
whatever it may be.
We don't talk about those things in church too much.
And I know because I lived this life so long of being a victim, I didn't feel
like there was any hope or help.
And that's mainly why I'm writing this, that's why I wrote this book.
(05:29):
It's already finished.
And it's based on my experiences, how I overcame hurt.
And I'm not going to just sugarcoat things because even though I overcame
things, I still have those moments again, like I was saying, that they still
try to haunt me.
(05:53):
But, you know, words seem to stick very, very deep in your heart.
You know, the words like, you're stupid.
I hate you.
I wish you were dead.
You'll never amount to be anything.
You'll never be able to do anything good because you're stupid.
(06:15):
I've heard those words for a very long time.
You know, the insults, they were carving into my very soul one word at a time.
And the word, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
I love you.
You know, love was just a word to me that was attached to pain and lies.
(06:40):
That's what love looked like to me.
I'm sorry looked like an empty word to me because I've heard it so much.
I actually wrote a poem called A Thousand Sorrys.
I'll have to share it with you sometime.
You know, they would say I'm sorry and then turn around and do it all over again.
(07:02):
What I was really believing is their sorry was just another opportunity to bring me a little closer so they can hit me harder.
And I carried their words like chains.
And every time I looked in the mirror, I didn't see me anymore.
(07:27):
All I seen was lies that were staring back at me, that I was nothing.
I'll never be free.
And after a while, I stopped fighting.
Now, I'm going to share some graphic stuff with you because what I'm about to say and why I wrote this book was, again, not to sugarcoat anything, just to write a book.
(07:51):
Life gets messy.
Circumstances hit hard.
Things come to, well, Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.
And he does a pretty good job at it.
I want to share this with you and I'm going to end with this moment here and we'll move on to the next thing.
I just want to make you aware how important this is to my heart.
(08:18):
So I'm going to place myself in the vulnerability, the chair of vulnerability. And here it is.
The night I almost gave up.
You know, at a very young age, I started thinking and believing my life was worthless.
(08:40):
I was contemplating suicide at a very early age, very early.
And then when I turned 18 years old.
And listen, I was saved.
(09:01):
I went to church, did all the right things.
But I was still tormented by this thing.
So one night when I was 18 years old.
Life, this circumstance became too much.
I wasn't just tired. I wasn't just broken. I was I was done.
(09:26):
I was done fighting. I was done hoping. I was done breathing.
And I sat alone in the dark holding a rope in my hands.
I remember my hands shaking, my heart.
It felt cold.
It was like I had no fear.
(09:52):
I tied that rope and I threw it over this little beam.
And I climbed up on one of them step stools.
And I tighten it around this beam and put it around my neck after, you know, and I stood there and I tighten it up on my neck.
(10:15):
And for the first time in years, the world, the lies, everything felt quiet.
You know, no more screaming in my head, no more chains dragging me down, just silence.
And that silence, it felt like peace.
I thought maybe this is it. Maybe this is how it's going to end.
(10:39):
And I'm going to tell you, people that are on the verge of suicide, they don't tell anybody.
They hide their pain very well.
But just as I was about to step off that stool, all these years of carrying this, something hit me.
(11:07):
It wasn't a voice. It wasn't thunder or lightning. It was like a like a slap, like a sobering moment.
And I saw myself standing there ready to throw everything away because of lies, because of chains, because of hate.
And something, it was like I was intoxicated on these lies, this bitterness, this hate, this torment.
(11:34):
And it was almost like a sobering effect come over me.
And I was like, what am I doing?
And I ripped that rope off my neck and I threw it behind me and I jumped off that stool like my life depended on it because it did.
(11:55):
But I hit the floor and I wasn't relieved. I wasn't grateful. I was furious.
And I didn't fall to my knees and thank God for saving me. I didn't do that.
I hit the floor screaming and crying and shaking and cursing God.
I said, why God? Why did you let this happen to me? Where were you when all this stuff was taking place in my life?
(12:23):
Why didn't you stop them? I mean, being young, 18 years old, I poured out every ounce of anger, every piece of bitterness, every part of my soul.
I blamed God. I cursed him. And I and you know what? He didn't strike me down.
He didn't leave me. But he drew closer to me for some reason.
(12:45):
He let me yell. He let me cry. He let me pour out every dark ugly thing I've been carrying for years.
And when I was done, when I was completely empty of everything, he moved in.
And there was just this peace over me, a peace so deep it stopped me.
(13:09):
It just it's hard to describe. I guess it's that peace that surpasses all understanding that the word of God says.
And I heard this voice inside me says I was always there.
You know, this piece didn't erase the scars. It didn't undo the pain. But it gave me enough strength to get up off that floor and and to slowly start fighting for my life.
(13:40):
And as I slowly started to get up, I stared at that hanging rope and some I mean, just hit me like, my goodness.
It was a long it was still a long journey ahead. Very long journey.
(14:04):
And yes, there was times again after that, I just felt like ending it.
Just because you got one sobering moment doesn't fix it. It doesn't really fix much.
It just wakes you up a little bit. But I knew I needed to do something.
(14:27):
And that's what this book's about, because I'm talking about the reality of when you do forgive, what happens when you fall back or when you do repent?
What happens when you fall back? When you do reconcile or want to reconcile with someone?
What do you do when they reject you? What do you do?
(14:51):
Those things are real to me because I walk through them and I'm not just going to give you seven steps to overcoming offense.
Because it's not that easy, guys. It's really not. It's not easy to just go through these steps. Yeah, you could go through them and still be motionless.
(15:13):
My heart and your heart has to be in it.
Now, I just want to end that with with saying that. So, guys, just bear with me.
I poured a little bit of my heart out. I didn't go into a great, great detail.
(15:34):
But I just wanted to give you some some structure here, something because I want to let you know that I really know what I'm talking about with this.
So just bear with me. Come come with me again.
Just go with this journey with me, because I'm going to tell you that this journey is not easy.
(15:56):
And it does require work. It requires your faith. It requires your action, you know, because we are co-laborers with Christ Jesus.
So God bless you and have a great rest of your day.
Thanks for joining me today on FaithWorks. Real life, real training.
(16:17):
I hope you found something that speaks to you and helps you live out your faith more boldly.
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to follow, like and share the podcast with others.
Until next time, stay grounded in truth and keep living out your faith.
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