August 20, 2025 • 61 mins
In this raw and unfiltered episode, I sit down with my mother—who is still battling a long-term addiction.
This isn’t just another podcast—it’s our real life.
Together, we confront the realities of addiction, healing, and legacy from both sides: the addicted and the affected.
🔥 In this episode:
- The pain of watching your parent fall
- What addiction really feels like
- Choosing grace, even when it's hard
- Romans 5:3-5 — suffering produces hope
✨ Stay connected:
Instagram: @faithfulfintalk
TikTok: @juantrelllovette
Website: www.lovettelegacylivingwealth.com
➕ Subscribe. Share. Join the movement.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Breaking the chain, feeling the gain.
Now I'm rising.
Open the gate, never too late.
No hiding Wings open wide,trusting my God, ready to take
off, Ready to take off, Ah,someday.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
I know I'm moving in the right way, hey y'all,
welcome back to another episodeof Faithful Fenton.
I'm your host, Wontrell LeVette, and today is episode 55.
(00:48):
Our title for today is AMother's Truth Grace Struggle
and Still Standing Raw andUnfiltered.
Today is a little special forme because I have somebody
that's here with me, so welcomeall of you guys here to Faithful
Fin Talk.
You know how we do it here.
(01:09):
This is real stories, realscripture and real growth.
Today, this might be therealest one yet, because I'm not
here to paint a perfect picture.
I know what you guys see, likeI say it's always pretty, but
everything is pretty, it's notgold.
So today I'm here with mymother, someone that I love very
(01:34):
much, dearly, but also someonethat I struggled to understand,
someone that I've struggled toforgive and someone that I
struggled to let into my lifeagain.
If you new here, I need you toknow my mom is still fighting
her addiction, and her addictiondoesn't mean that she's still
(01:57):
using.
She's fighting a battle thatshe don't really talk about,
that she didn't get to tell herside of the story, and so today
is a really special thing forher.
I posted a video of my mom backin 2020 for the first time on
my social media and I asked theentire world to pray for her.
(02:19):
It's all good, it was reallyspecial.
The entire world reached outand they sent abundant of
prayers for my mom.
I would insert the clip of thevideo that I posted of my mom.
(02:40):
When I first asked for theseprayers, I didn't know how viral
that video would go.
I didn't understand what I wasputting out into the universe,
but I asked God for a favor andI asked him if I should share my
story with the world.
(03:01):
I personally haven't foughtaddiction, but I fight things
all the time.
I come from a childhood thatwasn't glitter and gold and if
you're like me or anything likeme, you fight and you have
struggle.
Thank you, chris.
I'm sorry, guys, I have alittle teary, but it gets real
(03:22):
over here.
And this is how real it isBecause this is a special
episode for me and so I want youguys to really see my
vulnerability and how I standfirm in my walk.
So, again, like I said, ifyou're anything like me, come
from any type of background likeme or any type of family like
(03:43):
me my situation then you knowhow hard it is when somebody is
fighting something that'shurting them, whether it's abuse
, whether it's drugs, whetherit's being homeless, poverty,
doesn't matter.
So, seeing my mom and heraddiction, seeing my mom still
fighting to survive, Iconstantly ask God what is it
(04:05):
that you want me to do and howyou want me to show up?
Because there's no way that Ican do your job.
I can't do the Lord's job, butI could use my mouth and I can
send out prayers every day,constantly up into the universe,
up into the creator, up intothe God that I serve, and I can
ask him every day to help mewith this struggle and help me
(04:27):
with my mom.
So that's what I did In 2020, Iposted a video and it went
completely viral.
Like I said, I'm gonna insert aclip so you guys can see the
video of what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Do not, do not do it, do not do what Do not do it, do
not do what Do not.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Do not do it, do not do what Do not do it.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Do not do what.
Do not do it.
Do not do what Do it, do it.
Yeah, I did it.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Don't do that shit, I did it.
Look at you, girl.
Look at you.
Where you going?
I'm going to hell, hell.
Why would you want to go there?
Why would you want to go there?
Can't you be?
(05:10):
Why would you want to go there?
I'm taking you there.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
No, I'm gonna have H a le, h a le.
That is not.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
That's how you spell it.
You so pretty to be like this,don't you want to get your shit
together?
You're so cute to be lookinglike this, mama, what you mean,
so what?
Speaker 3 (05:31):
I would not call you out your name.
I called you a beautiful blackqueen.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Regardless of what drug you are, it don't matter
what you are.
I, I called you a beautifulblack queen.
Yeah, beautiful black queen.
Look at you, look at you, okay.
But yes, this kind of brought meback to the ground zero that I
was talking about, trying tomake my way up out of
understanding just where I comefrom.
(06:01):
You guys sent crazy prayers andyou guys all reached out to me
and at the time I was like, yeah, I'm gonna talk to my mom about
her story and stuff.
But guess what?
You guys, I never got around toit.
No, because I was stillfighting my battle.
I was still understanding whereGod was walking with me, I mean
, where I was walking with Godat and what God was doing with
(06:21):
me in the time that I had toshare with my mama.
So she's here with me and she'sbeen here in Vegas, and it's
not just my podcast, it's ourliving room, it's our space and
this is our real.
So, mom, thank you for doingthis.
I know there is no easy way foryou to talk about what you're
going through, but you are here,you showed up.
(06:42):
That's something that peopledon't really see and they can't
talk about, right?
So let's just talk.
No judgment, no edits unless wemess up, but just the truth.
Okay, this is real.
You guys, this is raw andunreal.
I haven't asked, asked my momany questions, I haven't shown
(07:05):
her anything or you know, I wasjust like Mom.
We're gonna do it episodes,because I feel like now it's
time for her to tell her story.
So, mom, let's get all the wayreal for the podcast.
Get all the way real for me,yourself and anybody that has to
listen.
There are people who wouldnever let their mother in.
(07:26):
After all the pain, therelapses, the street life, the
struggle, why do you think I letyou in?
Do you feel you deserve asecond chance?
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Well, yes, I think everybody deserves a second
chance.
Because they have faith in Godor whatever.
Everybody needs a second chancebecause it's not easy.
It's not easy, like you know,especially growing up how I did
or growing up where I came from,but to be here and still alive
(08:03):
and still breathing, yes, Ithink everybody deserves a
second chance now wrap back tothe first question that I asked
of you.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Why do you think I let you in?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
because you're my daughter and you love me and I
love you too, and, I think,because we both had some issues
before, especially growing up towhere now we have to really get
past the past and grow intojust being there for each other,
(08:35):
more loving each other, moredoing what God would want us to
do.
You know, I like being a family.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
And that's why you think I let you in.
That's your perspective.
That's your perspective, that'smy perspective.
Ok, so, as you guys heard mymom perspective of why she think
I let her in, and I'm going toshare with you guys the reason
why I let her in on this journeyand this walk with God.
It has not been something thatI've glamorized, but I take
(09:04):
initiative to know that it's notgoing to be an easy thing.
But I need to understand thestruggles of my childhood, so
struggling with my mom and wherewe come out, come together at
mind you, my mom is 15 yearsolder than me.
She gave birth to me at 15years old and so that's not
(09:26):
really a big gap to close in forsomebody to really parent
somebody.
So she did have me at a reallyyoung age.
But the reason why I let my momin is because I needed to heal
my inner child, the inner childin me, that question where's my
mom?
What's going on with my mom?
(09:48):
Why is she not here?
So the adult me, as I startedto walk with Christ and started
to align myself with God's words, I needed to touch in with the
root of who I was, and that'sbecause I come from my mom.
I wanted to let her in, and Ididn't let her in completely
Because, trust me, it's been astruggle, but that's my reason
(10:12):
of why I let her in.
So, mom, tell people in yourown words what is PCP addiction?
Speaker 3 (10:22):
actually like ADCP addiction actually like First
tell them what the drug is.
It's a hallucinant downer, it'skind of like a.
(10:45):
It's kind of hard.
It's a kind of like it's kindof hard, it's addiction, that I
wouldn't force it on anyonebecause it's really like it's
kind of hard to shake.
But with God, work andeverything, a lot of things are
curable.
We pick up.
With God, work and everything,a lot of things are curable.
(11:08):
You know, we pick up addictionsbecause we want to.
It's not because it's forced onus, because everybody has a
choice.
We make good choices.
Sometimes we make bad choices.
A lot of times we make a lot ofbad choices because sometimes
they overwrite the good choices.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Understanding, but we don't want to go off the topic
of what is PCP addictionactually like Mentally,
physically and emotionally.
What does it do to you?
Speaker 3 (11:36):
Well, in the beginning it done a lot of
things to me.
You know Like what?
A lot of things that I haveforgotten in my childhood.
It kind of made me remembercertain things that I blocked
out Because it's an enhancer, aloosening drug A lot of things
(11:59):
that I blocked out when I was akid.
And then, seeing my mother gothrough what she was going
through, I kind of started toremember a lot of things that I
had kind of like psychologicallyblocked out of my whole mind.
So it's really hallucinating.
(12:23):
Like I said, it's ahallucinating drug.
So do you hallucinate?
It's like I said, it's anhallucinant drug, it's so.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Do you hallucinate when you're using that drug?
Speaker 3 (12:32):
it's a lot of times when you're coming down off of
it.
I mean, when you're coming downoff of it, you kind of have
like what they call uh, setbacksor withdrawals and um, you kind
of like, if you did like aslong as I did, sometimes you get
the cravings.
It's just like when you smoke.
(12:52):
Because I smoke cigarettes andbecause it's used, you can only
use it to smoke a cigarette.
You have to use it with acigarette.
Um, it was kind of hard to kick, so, but I had to do a lot of
rehabilitation.
I had to go to mental health.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
We're not that far yet, okay, okay.
So as far as PCP, when did youstart using that drug?
Speaker 3 (13:24):
At the age of 23.
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
At the age of 23 was your first time.
Yeah, and who introduced you tothat drug?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
Partying just out at a party.
Friends well, cousins, likerelatives that grew up with me
being at these functions andactually when I started dancing
in the club too, actually when Istarted dancing in the club too
, so that kind of like made mekind of like block off the
(13:55):
things of being an exotic dancer.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
But who?
Speaker 3 (14:03):
gave you the drug my cousin Arlitris.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
To the drug, your cousin.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Arlitris, my cousin Arlitris.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
So your cousin Arlitris introduced you to the
drug PCP.
For those of you who arelistening, PCP stands for
phenylslycline.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
I'm sorry if I'm butchering that word.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
It's an illegal street drug known for its
mind-altering and hallucinogeniceffects.
Sorry, hallucinogenic effects.
It is classified as adissociative drug because it
distorts perceptions and makesusers feel detached from their
surroundings.
(14:40):
Does that sound?
Speaker 3 (14:43):
pretty much familiar.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yes, Growing up watching my mom on PCP.
My mom is the oldest of sevenkids.
She had me at the age of 15.
I am the oldest of five kids.
Watching my mom on PCP was verymental abuse for me.
(15:06):
To see that, to anybody to seethat.
So when I say my story's notglitz and gold, it's not.
I watched my mom struggle withthis addiction and as a young
girl, to look up to the onlywoman that you have to try to
look up to, you ask yourself isthis going to be me too?
(15:27):
Is this going to be my life?
But God said no.
So struggling to understand herPCP addiction is one of the
reasons why I didn't have herinto my life, because obviously
the drug was taking over her.
It's been five years and we'vebeen on an emotional roller
(15:51):
coaster and the first time Iposted her video was literally
five years ago and she was stillusing.
Like she said, she battles withit all the time.
So what is a day in your lifeon the street when you're not
with me?
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Well, actually I just take it one day at a time.
I try to just stay more focused, I try to stay away from a lot
of bad surroundings and I try tolike avoid like a lot of verbal
and physical abuse of you know.
(16:32):
Um, I kind of like I alienatedmyself, I separated myself from
those type of friends that Ithought they were my friends.
So they weren't my friends,because anytime a person offer
you drugs and, um, you knowthey're not your friends.
So sometimes I have to reallystay focused and just stay away
(16:55):
from those type of people, youknow.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
But what is a day in your life on the street?
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Typically it's just a normal day.
I just take one day at a time.
I try to keep myself busy,especially when I'm in
California, and in LA I try tokeep myself.
You know, make all myappointments, keep myself busy,
stay.
You know, I still go to somemeetings, I still see counseling
(17:28):
, I still, you know, justbasically just try to stay
amongst most of the positiveside instead of the rough side.
But it's still hard.
I'm still.
I'm still battling, becausesometimes I can run into that
one maybe guy that I used todate or something, or you know.
(17:49):
So it's a struggle.
Every day is a struggle, but Itry to fight it with God.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
So you guys?
Pcp was initially developed asan intravenous anesthetic in the
1950s but was discontinued forhuman use due to adverse side
effects like agitation,delusions and hallucinations.
It is still used as an animaltranquilizer.
That should let you know howstrong that drug is.
(18:16):
The appearance in it it is pureform.
Pcp is a white crystallinepowder with a bitter chemical
taste.
Soluble in water or alcohol.
It's often found in illicitmarkets as a powder or liquid,
Sometimes mixed with leafymaterials like marijuana or
tobacco for smoking.
(18:37):
The usage of PCP can be snorted, smoked, injected or swallowed.
Smoking is a common methodwhere it's applied to materials
like mint, parsley, oregano ormarijuana.
So you said when you're usingthe PCP, you used it in a
cigarette form.
Yes, so obviously your PCP thatyou were using was in the
(18:59):
liquid form.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
Right, I never seen powder.
I never seen what powder lookedlike.
I only knew what the liquidlooked like.
That's the only type I everused.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
And how was your childhood growing up as a young
woman, growing up in the early70s with your parents?
Were they on drugs?
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Well, yes, that's I mean that's where I seen it from
my dad was struggling with hisaddiction.
Mainly, I never seen my dad doPCP, but I did see my mom do PCP
and there were a lot.
Back then they were reallydoing the pills.
Pills was like the thing to do.
Back then I seen a lot ofdifferent pill use.
(19:46):
So you know there was a lot of.
So you know there was a lot ofin both sides of my family,
which was was struggling fromdifferent addictions.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
So, okay, so both your parents struggled from
addiction, right, so youbasically had an honest to see
drugs in your lifetime.
Yes, sounds pretty familiar fora lot of people that grew up in
the 70s and 80s.
Around that time, drugsobviously was a big thing in
(20:20):
that time, which they still aretoday.
There's no judgment on peoplethat does drugs.
It's just how you do them andallowing them to take over.
Just how you do them andallowing them to take over, you
obviously can affect you andother people in ways that cause
issues for you.
When did you first lose yourchildren because of the drug?
(20:44):
Um?
Speaker 3 (20:49):
I was in my 20s, about the middle 20s.
It was like a Actually itstarted from because before it
was, before I got addicted toPCP, I was using marijuana and
the marijuana was I was reallyon marijuana a lot.
(21:13):
You know, that was my firstaddiction before I upgraded to
the PCP.
So I was a single parent.
I stayed, I always had my ownplace.
I try to, you know, keep mykids, I try to protect him just
as much as I could as a youngparent, a young single parent,
(21:36):
and I just did a lot, a lot ofmarijuana.
And then I got to end up havingto take a test and it came out
dirty from marijuana.
So that's the first time thatDCF came into my life.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Ok, so DCF showed up in your life.
You were in your early 20s Atthe time.
You were addicted to marijuana.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
You had a dirty test.
Dcf came and felt you were kindof not suitable.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Well, they just said that I needed help and I needed
to get into a program.
And that's when I called myfamily and asked them to help me
with the what I was goingthrough.
As far as because they didn'ttake you guys right away, it's
just because, um, I didn't feelthat that I had a problem.
I had to.
(22:26):
I'd never been in a programbefore, so getting into a
program was kind of like, know,I was into a program where
people were on I was maybe thefirst person in the class was
just on marijuana.
It was people that was oncocaine, heroin.
The first time I ever heardabout what's that crystal meth.
(22:50):
I never knew what that was andI was about the only person and
maybe this one other guy thatwas in there for marijuana.
So they were looking at me like, why is she in the groups?
She's only on marijuana.
But marijuana was not illegalthen.
It was a drug.
It was considered a drug.
It was considered abusive drug.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
It was considered a drug, it was considered abusive,
so, but marijuana ended upturning into the real problem,
which was the addiction problemof PCP.
Right, correct, yeah, butmarijuana is what started off of
DCF getting in your businessright as a young marijuana
mother.
Okay, you say you were in yourearly 20s.
I was in my early 20s, so I hadto be around six or seven you
was like seven when I firstencountered DCF the system.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Because, Robert was five, you were seven.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
So yeah, young girl, young mom, two kids struggling.
It happens in life, you guys,it really does.
So next question I want you tobe really honest with me and
yourself and my community.
Why did drugs win over yourfamily for so long?
Speaker 1 (24:09):
well.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
I don't consider that they won.
It won over my family.
I didn't choose it.
It just was something that youknow, that happened and what was
going, what I was going through.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
I think I was also wait, wait.
You can't say that you didn'tchoose something when we all
have a choice.
So this is an honest space tonot be in denial, to be telling
the truth.
Why did drugs win over yourfamily for so long?
Speaker 3 (24:47):
I don't know, I don't ask for that right now.
Was there a?
Speaker 2 (24:50):
moment you chose the high over your kids.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
No, it was more than that.
It was probably the man that Iwas involved with at the time
too.
So it was much more than justthe drug.
It was just, you know, therelationship that I was in was a
little bit not healthy, youknow.
I was, you know, just goingthrough actually trying to.
(25:20):
I was going through mychildhood too.
So it was really kind ofdifficult for me.
You know, I didn't choose thedrug, I just didn't know no
better at the time.
So I had to learn that what Iwas doing was affecting my
family, affecting my kids.
I had to learn through theprogram and getting help through
(25:41):
mental health, that I reallyhad a problem before all this
happened.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
So you're saying that you had a mental problem.
Before you claimed the drugchose you.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
Yes, because I was still.
I was battling something thatthat I held inside of me for a
long time.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
And that was the abuse of being abused as a kid.
Why didn't?
Speaker 3 (26:18):
you choose to choose yourself and kids before
choosing a man and drugs.
Well, like I said, because Iwas really young, I was a kid
myself when I had kids, so Ididn't have that normal
childhood or child life.
So basically, I grew up toofast and I was really missing
out on being a kid, you know, Iwas still in high school.
(26:39):
On my second child, I was stillstruggling with, you know,
family members too, you know,and I had to deal with a lot of
issues that I blocked out and Ididn't want to talk about them
because it were really scarythings that happened to me and
my child as a kid.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Like what?
What are some of the thingsthat happened to you as a kid?
Speaker 3 (27:03):
Well, I was molested by my uncle.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
You were molested by your uncle, by my mother's
brother, by your mother'sbrother.
Yes, still living to's brother.
Yes, still living to this day.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Yes, didn't go to jail.
He went to jail, but it wasmore of other things that he did
.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
But he didn't go to jail for what he did to you, no,
and you're certain that thisperson molested you.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
I know for a fact that I was molested, not just by
him, it was other men too, buthe was the tick.
He was the first one thatstarted it.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
How old were you when your mother's brother molested
you?
That's a pretty sensitive thingbecause, family will hear this
and they would wonder whichbrother it is.
We don't have to put any nameson it.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
They know now, all my family know now, because my
mother brought it out.
So your mother, she didn't knowwhat was happening because she
was going through her addiction,really bad.
Back then she was dealing withmy dad and her other kid's
father, so she didn't know.
You know, leaving us alone orleaving us at my grandma's house
(28:17):
with this man or whatever.
She didn't know that herbrother would do something like
this.
But he was also struggling witha lot of things going on too
with heroin and addiction.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Is that an excuse?
Speaker 3 (28:27):
No, it's not an excuse.
It's just that he was a grownman, he knew.
I kind of figured he knew whathe was doing, but we were kids
we didn't know what washappening.
I just will, you know, it was ashock.
So that's why I kind of saylike I blocked it all in, I
didn't want to remember none ofthat stuff and I kind of was, I
(28:48):
say, saved by my godmother andmy grandmother, my dad's mom,
who took me out of theenvironment and let me be a kid
again At what age did you getmolested?
I was five years old.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
Five years old.
Speaker 3 (29:04):
Maybe four, I'm five.
So, four or five years old, allthe way up until I was like
seven, six, seven, almost seven.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
So a couple years it was happening.
A so a couple years it washappening.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
A few years.
Yeah, it was happening A lot oftimes, we and my cousin Sean,
and it was happening to her too,but we wouldn't talk about it
because we were scared and itwas almost like having a
nightmare.
Every night I would have thesame nightmare over and over
again about this boogeyman thatI couldn't escape from.
(29:35):
And the thing was well, myuncle my mother's brother.
You know it was just a terribleexperience and it had to do with
the heroin and the PCP and thedrugs that they were on, and
that's what they the excuse thatthey had, even as now, as he
got older.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
So do you think, in the certain family communities,
certain where you come from, doyou feel like a lot of families
shelter family members that dopedophile things like
molestations and touching onkids?
Do you feel like that happens alot in black communities,
(30:15):
Mexican communities, minoritycommunities or anybody's
community that people willshelter pedophiles and molesters
when they are family members Of?
Speaker 3 (30:25):
course it happens.
As we speak right now ithappens to the worst thing.
It really hurts when yourgrandmother doesn't believe you
and it takes your aunts tobelieve you.
They knew they were mad, youknow, once they found out, you
(30:47):
know, I think he ended up goingto jail out.
You know, I think he ended upgoing to jail.
Then go him to get arrested foralmost something like that with
a younger, a younger woman thatwas maybe about 16 or 17, but
he was still a grown man and soI think that's what triggered,
uh, to let everybody know thatwhat he was into.
And then it was just certainthings that I saw and grew up at
(31:08):
and when I was a kid it wasjust certain things that I saw
and grew up in and when I was akid it was just really
terrifying, and I think nochildren should have to go
through that.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
So basically, do you feel like your innocence was
stolen?
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Oh, they were definitely robbed.
I mean, I didn't want to knowabout sex, I didn't want to.
I wanted to be a kid, we wantedto play with our dolls, we
wanted to, you know, go toelementary school, right?
We don't want to have to havethese monsters, these demons,
haunting us and terrifying us.
You know, you know me and mycousin.
Sometimes we used to play therunaway game because we didn't
(31:39):
want to be around thatenvironment.
So we was happy when godmothersand my grandmothers come take
us away from that type of stuff.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
OK, sounds good.
So I'm so sorry that thishappened to you.
I know I don't talk to youabout it as much.
I know you try to share thisstory with me, about what
happened to you, and even whenit comes to protecting me as
being me being your onlydaughter how was protected with
(32:15):
you.
Speaker 3 (32:16):
How was?
Speaker 2 (32:16):
that in a case of knowing what happened with you
and you putting in thatprotection for me, because, by
the grace of god, no one hasever touched me, and that's
because I haven't everexperienced anything like that.
I think, for the simple partthat I'll be in jail honestly.
Speaker 3 (32:36):
Well, I really I had made a pact with myself that I
would never let this happen tonone of my children and I kind
of protected you guys from thatto the best that I can, to the
best of my knowledge, and I, I,I, I, I just prayed on it that I
, this one could never happen tonone of my children.
(32:58):
They would never go through.
I'm kind of glad I said I wantyou to go through what I went
through and, um, I just, uh, Ikept it very simple and I just
just protect it.
I just protected the best ofwhat I can.
I just made sure that I'm notgoing to let a child of mine go
(33:18):
through what I went through.
Even when it was times when Ialmost thought I couldn't
protect you, you guys, I stillfought my way in to try to do
the best that I can to keep youguys from even going through
that type of hell.
You know.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Well, thank you for that.
Appreciate that, and that's abig deal.
Some people have judged me fromthe video that I posted of you.
Some people will judge me foreven this interview.
Judgment comes in both forms,good and bad.
I had people judge me andsaying thank you for loving your
(33:56):
mama.
And I had people also judge meand say why are you putting her
out there like that?
What do you say to them?
People who have something tosay.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Well, I wouldn't say nothing to them, people who have
something to say.
Well, I wouldn't say nothing tothem because I put my own self
out there like that.
I mean, you know it's nothingthat you're doing right now that
I have not already done tomyself.
It would be even worse.
You know, I've been insituations where I don't even
think I should be.
I didn't think I was going tobe alive today.
You know, I put myself inpredicaments where I don't know
how I should be.
I didn't think I was going tobe alive today.
(34:32):
You know, I put myself inpredicaments where I don't know
how I got out of it.
It had to be the grace of Godthat I got out of certain things
, you know, but I wouldn't takeback.
The only thing I would probablytake back is growing up to live
to that little part of hellthat I had grew up.
But I don't take back evenbeing born with my mom.
(34:55):
You know they've also had astruggle you know this is not
about them, I know.
But just having a life of whatwe had to go through.
I, you know, if I could do itall over again I wouldn't do it
exactly same.
But I, you know, try to makethe corrections you know.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
What do you say to families that's torn apart by
addiction?
Speaker 3 (35:21):
Well, it's always help.
We have more help now todaythan we did way back when I was
growing up in the 60s, 70s and80s.
I mean, there we have solutionsnow.
We have a lot of more resourcesnow today because they didn't.
We didn't have DCF in our lifeback then.
Well, it came into effect atthe end.
(35:43):
I was after I had you, that'swhen my mom got into DCF.
They didn't have those peoplethat would call them.
You know, neighbors reallystayed out of your business.
You know they didn't have allthat until after you were born.
You know, my mom actually shedidn't really get caught on like
(36:09):
I did.
It's that she knew that she washitting rock bottom.
So she admitted herself for sixmonths in the mental hospital
at St Francis Hospital inLinwood.
My mother did it for herselfbecause she was sick and tired.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
sick and tired of what she was going through okay,
so so dcf, um, cps these areall common names for department
of child services uh, childrenprotective services.
These services companies camearound fairly.
(36:47):
Uh, it says child protectiveservice.
Um, it came about in 1825, sothat was a long time ago, right.
But then it says was cps a thingin the 70s?
And it says child protectiveservices agencies were first
established in response to the1974 capta.
So sometimes in the 70s youwould say like DCF, CPS kind of
(37:11):
start making known or was theyjust not a big thing?
Speaker 3 (37:15):
No, we would call them social workers, because in
the late 70s, when my mother wason government assistance, they
had what they call socialworkers would come visit your
house just because you were onthe government assistance.
So they had to come see how youwas living, how your kids were
living, how they were dressing.
Did you have food in therefrigerator?
(37:35):
Was there any school?
Yeah, a kid had to be in schoolbecause they wouldn't give you
the assistance that you neededfrom the government if your
child was neglecting school orgetting beating or you know.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
So systematic, Systematic right.
Systematically, in order to getgovernment assistance, social
service workers had to come outto visit Right.
Are you coming from a familythat always used government
assistance.
Speaker 3 (38:09):
Not everybody Was your mom, my mom did, was your
dad.
No, my dad worked, but your momwas heavily Because she had
other kids.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
It's just a yes or no .
Speaker 3 (38:22):
Yes, when they separated yes.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
Yes or no, so she had government assistance.
When she separated yeah, andwas she the reason you also now
receive government assistancewith social security?
Speaker 3 (38:34):
well, she had a big part of it.
Yes, she, she did help me getthat, because when I was into
the hospital mental health, shealso knew more about my
childhood, of what happened tome then, more than I did so she
felt like mentally you was notcapable to function in the world
, that government assistancewill be beneficial for you to
(38:56):
survive.
Well, she knew at some point Iwould need it because I was in
denial on what I would, what Imy mental status.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
OK, so have you ever had a job not talking
entertainment?
Have you ever worked for?
Speaker 3 (39:17):
I had a part-time job , I did.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
How long ago was that ?
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Well, it was like.
I think you were like maybe two.
So very, very long ago, verylong time ago, it was for a
furniture company.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
Ever since then, you've never had a job since.
Speaker 3 (39:32):
Just dancing.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
After dancing, have you ever had a job where you got
paid a check?
Speaker 3 (39:39):
Not a check, but maybe under the table.
Not under the table.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
A job that you clocked in and went to work.
No, no.
Speaker 3 (39:47):
Okay work?
Speaker 2 (39:55):
no, no, okay.
So in Romans 5, where we talkedabout in a previous episode,
romans 5, chapter 5, verses 3 to5, it says suffering produces
perseverance, character and hope.
Do you feel hopeful right now?
Speaker 3 (40:08):
Yes, you do.
Yeah, I feel that I conquered.
Actually, I survived a veryrough childhood and a little a
young lady's hood.
I survived a lot of obstaclesthat most people probably
wouldn't have survived.
(40:28):
You know, um, I've seen a lotof people that I knew I grew up
with.
It's not even here todaybecause they couldn't handle
their life.
They can't handle the ways oflife of growing up with, uh,
so-called bad parents or beingin foster care.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
So you feel hopeful right now, or are you just
surviving?
Speaker 3 (40:54):
I feel very grateful as far as more than hopeful.
I feel more grateful that I am.
I do have my health, I do havemy mind straight, I can remember
, I can think for myself, youknow.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
How long has it been since you've felt like that
Grateful and clear mind?
Speaker 3 (41:25):
I'd say after I got out.
I'd say about about 30 when Iwas 36 on to now.
Speaker 2 (41:31):
Well, that can be possible, because I have videos
of you not in a clear mind.
Speaker 3 (41:37):
Well, I probably was just out of that summer, but it
was a lot of times that you know.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
But you're homeless.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
Yeah, I am, and that's not by choice, it's just
because Well it has to be bychoice, because we all have a
choice.
Speaker 2 (41:52):
Well, if you say you're not working, you haven't
got a job.
So we have choices.
We can either do or we cannot,and you're choosing not, do you
think that is the reason why?
Speaker 3 (42:11):
no, I feel that I'm trying to get back on my feet,
and what way?
So it's a slow process, but I'mapplying for different places.
I'm applying, you know myselffor to get another apartment I
might.
Can't afford to live in one ortwo-bedroom with my fixed income
(42:33):
, so I'm still relying on forthe government help to assist me
in certain ways.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Yeah, but is it working for you or not?
Because it doesn't seem likeit's working if you're at my
house.
Speaker 3 (42:48):
I just have to wait until see what happens.
I mean I can't, I don't, Ican't predict the future, I
can't predict what's happening.
I just I call and see what mystatus is, and they telling me
that I'm at the part where I'malmost there.
Just hold on, you know, they'retrying, they're fixing on it,
they're working on it, andthat's all I can.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
So this is real stories, john, I really got to
keep it real with you guys.
I really do.
She does not work, my mom doesnot work and she doesn't want to
work, and there is no waitingwhen it comes to being with me,
(43:30):
and that's the reason why we'rehere today is because she don't
have the time to wait around andsit and wait for things you
have to initiate when you'regoing to take charge of your
life and make the correctchoices.
When you know better, you dobetter.
So it's unfortunately that,still in a mental state, as you
guys can hear my mom talk thatshe's very grateful but not
hopeful.
Because that was the questionAre you hopeful for where you
(43:54):
can go into, what life you canmove into, what movement you can
go into?
Being grateful is saying I'mgrateful that somebody has let
me in the door.
Being hopeful is saying I knowfor a fact that God is going to
change my life if I wake up withGod every day.
That's a hope that we all need.
(44:16):
So I'm struggling to understandor where I step in at and I'm
like all right, god, this is toomuch for me.
I don't want to be a part ofthis, because I'm okay with
somebody being grateful, but Ineed somebody that's hopeful,
somebody that's going to takethe initiative, someone's that's
going to step out and say I'mnot waiting for anybody to make
(44:38):
choices and do things for me,I'm going to do them myself.
So Faithful Fin Talk is meactually showing you guys look,
this is real, this is a realstory.
This is me being growing up inyour face and in my growing up.
You have to have real growth.
You have to step out and sayI'm going to do this on my own.
(45:00):
So the questions that I'masking my mom, they're really
personal to me and they shouldreally be personal to her to
bring hope into her life, notjust being grateful because
anybody can be grateful when youlet them in your door, when you
open your door to somebody, ofcourse they're going to be
grateful, but how grateful willthey be if they don't initiate
(45:23):
hope in their life to be betterthan they were yesterday?
That's a big deal.
So when was the last time youreally felt God?
Oh well, I constantly feel Godall the time, or do you ever
feel like God forgot about you?
Speaker 3 (45:43):
No, I never give up on my prayers.
I never give up on my prayers.
I never give up on God.
It's not God's that's making mego through what I'm going
through.
God has always been the mostmerciful God that I grew up with
in my life To where, like Isaid, you know, I'm grateful I'm
(46:09):
at peace while I'm still alivetoday because, like I said, I
saw my life go a long time agoand I'm so grateful that God saw
fit to even let me be here.
Even you know I've been shot,you know, while I was carrying
my child, and I know that wasnothing but God that kept me
(46:34):
alive.
Then you know that was anotherhard for experience that I had
to go through too, you know.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
I've heard you say things that you regret about me,
about yourself, certainsituations, especially when
you're under the influence, whenyou're not in the right state
of mind, even about your ownlife.
I hear you talk a lot aboutyour past and about your own
(47:06):
life.
Is there anything you need tosay to your younger self today,
or even to me, your daughter,right now?
Speaker 3 (47:16):
Well, I just want to say out of all I'm sorry for a
lot of things that I have putyou through.
I'm really thankful and I'm atat peace where God put you right
now and I think that you reallydid a good job with growing up
(47:38):
to be a nice, beautiful womanand to love your kids more, you
know, being your children's lifethe best that you could can,
the best that you could can.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
And um what?
Speaker 3 (47:59):
do you want to tell?
Speaker 2 (47:59):
to your younger self, to my younger self yeah, maybe
the five-year-old girl that gotmolested.
What would you say to her rightnow?
What you say to her?
Speaker 3 (48:07):
right now that you're going to make it Through all
that.
You're going through that.
You're going to make it.
Don't give up on yourself,don't give up on your life,
(48:28):
don't give up on being a kid.
You know, because that's allshe wanted to do was be a kid.
You know, because that's allshe wanted to do was be a kid
and have that normal kid life.
You know, and when something soprecious like that is brought
from you, you think the worst.
I used to think the worst, whyme?
I thought God did forgive,didn't love me.
(48:48):
I used to think the worst likewhy me?
Why is it?
You know why?
I thought God did forgive,didn't love me.
I thought God didn't care.
You know, but I'm a kid, Ididn't know no better, I didn't.
You know all the stuff that Iheard about well, god, this and
this, that Jesus.
Where was that?
I felt that, where was thatwhen that was happening to me?
Speaker 2 (49:10):
And I'm glad you said that because I think a lot of
people actually feel like whereis God, where is this Jesus?
Where is God when somethingtragic has happened to them in
their life?
When you lose someone suddenly,when something disturbing
happened in a family member orto you or anything, and you're
asking yourself where is Godright?
(49:32):
What is God doing?
What is he trying to show me orsay to me and for me to say to
my community?
That's what relationship withGod looks like is we don't have
all the answers and we don'tknow what's going to take place
and we don't know what's goingto happen, and we don't know
what's going to take place andwe don't know what's going to
happen.
But to know that God is verymuch present in our life and
(49:53):
shows up exactly where we are,that helps us really take that
choice and say you know what I'mgoing to get with God, because
I need to know what God istalking to me about, and that's
what LeVette Legacy is about.
So on this podcast, we talkabout legacy.
I talk about creating LeVetteLegacy is about.
So on this podcast, we talkabout legacy.
I talk about creating LaVetteLegacy, because I don't come
(50:16):
from a legacy.
Legacy is something you didn'tleave behind.
Speaker 3 (50:27):
So what is you fighting for today?
Speaker 2 (50:39):
Um more um my freedom .
I can say you seem pretty freeto me.
I don't what freedom.
What is freedom that you don'thave?
You're not working.
You're living right now undermy roof for free well, I'm not
saying that type of freedom.
Speaker 3 (50:50):
I'm talking about, like as far as like, the
experience of me being locked up.
You're not locked up.
No, not now.
Speaker 2 (50:57):
So we're not talking about that, because that's not
Now.
What do you?
What is you fighting for today?
You can't fight for freedombecause you're not in jail.
Speaker 3 (51:12):
Well, basically, I'm just fighting, really, really.
I'm just trying to get back onmy feet and fight for my getting
my place again.
You know, being independent,you know depending on myself,
you know depending onResponsibility that's what I'm
fighting for, Just to be moreresponsible.
Speaker 2 (51:32):
And what do you hope your story will say when it's
all said and done?
Speaker 3 (51:38):
Well, maybe it can help a person not to make
certain choices in their life.
Maybe it can help someone lookinto their children when they're
small, you know, try to be more, as far as more interacting
(52:00):
with their siblings areinteracting coming to as being
more positive.
Speaker 2 (52:06):
You know role models, you know so we talk about a
positive role model right now,today.
You know role models, you know.
Speaker 3 (52:10):
So we talk molestation Because we need more
positive role models right now,today.
Speaker 2 (52:12):
you know, so you hope your story will help somebody
else in the long run, right?
So we talked today aboutmolestation, and one of the
persons that I like to listen toa lot is Joyce Myers, and she
talks about the molestation thather dad occurred on her and how
her mom turned a blind eye toit and how she struggled with
(52:36):
that for so many years.
Yes, your molestation tookplace in a very young age for a
short period of time.
Do you feel at any point?
Speaker 3 (52:57):
that in your adult age that you could have chose to
not dwell in your molestation.
Well, I want to go back on thatbecause, even though it stopped
there with that particularperson, I still was fighting the
same issues, but just not as avery as it was when I was four
or five and six, almost seven,even when I became a developing
(53:22):
young woman, I still had to facethese things with men, with
older men who looked at medifferently because I was
developing as a young woman.
At 12 and 13 I was coming,filling out and I was still
having certain men in the familyuh, that so-called boyfriends,
(53:48):
you know who were in that mindstate of being a pedophile.
You know I still had to grow upand to protect myself, even as
a preteen, you know so a lot ofnegative things.
Speaker 2 (54:06):
You're fighting in your head a lot of demons.
Well, it was just a lot ofnegative things.
You're fighting in your head Alot of demons.
Speaker 3 (54:10):
Well, it was just a lot of issues that I went
through growing up, right?
Speaker 2 (54:14):
So a lot of a lot of demons is what people call it.
Speaker 3 (54:17):
Yeah, you can call them spiritual warfare.
Speaker 2 (54:20):
So let's just pause for a second.
Do you ever wish you can takeit all back, or do you see any
purpose in the pain?
Speaker 3 (54:34):
Of course I wish I could take those days back.
I mean, I can't say I had twosides of growing up.
I had a good side and I hadalso had a bad side.
But, um, the one of the onlythings that I really would like
to take back is the bad parts,the really negative, negative,
(54:55):
negative parts.
That was really so terrifyingthat I feel no child or no young
woman should have to go throughperiod, even today, you know so
I wouldn't change giving birthto the children that I had,
because those were my choicesthat I made to have those
(55:15):
children.
Because, believe me, in betweentime I got, I didn't got
pregnant many of times and Ichose to.
I made a choice not to havethose children.
But I thank God for thechildren that I have today,
because it kind of made me intothe young woman that I am today
too.
You know I really needed tolearn a lot of responsibility.
I really need to learn how tobe, you know, even though I was
(55:42):
a young mom, but I still had tobe a good, a grown mom too.
You know I had to raise some ofmy sisters and brothers growing
up.
You know I had a lot of mysisters and brothers growing up.
You know, uh, I had a lot ofstuff put on me growing up, you
know.
So it's certain things that Iwill take back, but it's a lot
of things that I wouldn't takeback for the world, because a
lot of times I, a lot of times Ireally had a good time growing
(56:04):
up.
You know, um, I had, like Isaid, two different backgrounds
my godmother, my grandmother.
We don't want to go into toomuch detail about that Okay,
okay yeah.
Speaker 2 (56:14):
So because it's still your story, it's your
perspective.
But there is also other sidesof the stories.
Me and my brothers can alsohave our side of the story, of
what we feel like take place too.
So I'm going to just notate andsay, mom, there are days when
I'm extremely angry at you.
There are days when Icompletely don't like you at all
(56:38):
, can't stand you, don't want tobe around you.
There are days when I foughtyou.
Literally we fought, we arguedand everything.
So for you to be sitting heretoday with me is God's grace.
It's nothing but God's grace.
(56:59):
Because I am so angry at thiswoman next to me, because
there's a lot of things in mychildhood that I didn't
experience and I missed out onby just not having my mom.
And I'm sure there's otherpeople in the world who question
why me?
(57:20):
Why did this happen to me?
Why did my mom or my dad haveto fall short to this drugs or
drinking or society?
Or why short to this drugs ordrinking or society, or why you
know?
But at the end of the day, mywalk with God, my relationship
with God, supersedes how angry Iwill want to be at you.
(57:42):
It, it overflows into my angerand it brings me calm and peace,
because they say honor thyparents so your days can live
longer.
So me honoring you by havingyou here to tell your story is
me saying God, I see what youdid here, but that's still not
(58:07):
my responsibility.
I can't do what God can do foryou.
I can't tell your side of thestory for you or confess to God
what needs to be changed or yourchoices.
If that makes sense, right, allright.
(58:28):
But here we are, stillbreathing, still hoping.
I know she don't have hope, butI do, still praying.
So just know, even all of mydisappointments, I still want to
see you win.
That's been a huge thing for me, so I would like to thank you
for being honest, even when ithurts, even if it's your side of
(58:50):
the story.
This isn't just a podcast.
This is two women, twogenerations, fighting for a
different ending.
So to anybody listening, don'tturn away from the mess.
God meets us in the middle ofit.
Next episode we'll talk abouthealing, forgiveness and what
(59:11):
recovery actually looks likewhen you're still in the fight.
Faithful fan family.
This is real life.
This is my story.
This is huge for me.
So I'm going to close it offwith a prayer and I'm going to
say God, we're messy, we'rehurting, but you promise that
nothing is wasted, not our pain,not our past, not even our
(59:33):
worst day.
Cover every parent, every child, every family in this fight.
Give us strength to keepshowing up and remind us, even
in our lowest moments, that weare still yours, amen, amen.
So for all of you guys who liketo join us in this conversation
(59:54):
, if this conversation hasblessed you, please subscribe,
share and join the faithful fintalk community.
Follow and connect with us oninstagram, on tiktok, on
facebook, on youtube website.
Levette legacy living in wealth.
Faithful fin talkcom podcast.
Faithful fin talkcom podcastfaithfulfintalkcom.
Obviously it's on Buzzsprout,but you can find it anywhere.
(01:00:14):
Join the newsletters, drop yourtestimonies, dm us.
You are a part of this story.
Let's keep building legacytogether.
I would like to thank you forwalking with me, thank you for
growing with me and until nexttime, you guys.
This is Faithful Fintalk realstories real scripture and real
(01:00:44):
growth.
Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
See you, wings open wide, trusting my God, ready to
take off, ready to take off?
Ah, someday I know I'm movingin the right way oh, one day I
(01:01:06):
keep praying, I keep praying, Ikeep praying.
Breaking the chain, feeling the gain.
Now I'm rising.
Open the gate, never too late.
No hiding Wings open wide,trusting my God, ready to take
off, Ready to take off, Ah,someday.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
I know I'm moving in the right way, hey y'all,
welcome back to another episodeof Faithful Fenton.
I'm your host, Wontrell LeVette, and today is episode 55.
(00:48):
Our title for today is AMother's Truth Grace Struggle
and Still Standing Raw andUnfiltered.
Today is a little special forme because I have somebody
that's here with me, so welcomeall of you guys here to Faithful
Fin Talk.
You know how we do it here.
(01:09):
This is real stories, realscripture and real growth.
Today, this might be therealest one yet, because I'm not
here to paint a perfect picture.
I know what you guys see, likeI say it's always pretty, but
everything is pretty, it's notgold.
So today I'm here with mymother, someone that I love very
(01:34):
much, dearly, but also someonethat I struggled to understand,
someone that I've struggled toforgive and someone that I
struggled to let into my lifeagain.
If you new here, I need you toknow my mom is still fighting
her addiction, and her addictiondoesn't mean that she's still
(01:57):
using.
She's fighting a battle thatshe don't really talk about,
that she didn't get to tell herside of the story, and so today
is a really special thing forher.
I posted a video of my mom backin 2020 for the first time on
my social media and I asked theentire world to pray for her.
(02:19):
It's all good, it was reallyspecial.
The entire world reached outand they sent abundant of
prayers for my mom.
I would insert the clip of thevideo that I posted of my mom.
(02:40):
When I first asked for theseprayers, I didn't know how viral
that video would go.
I didn't understand what I wasputting out into the universe,
but I asked God for a favor andI asked him if I should share my
story with the world.
(03:01):
I personally haven't foughtaddiction, but I fight things
all the time.
I come from a childhood thatwasn't glitter and gold and if
you're like me or anything likeme, you fight and you have
struggle.
Thank you, chris.
I'm sorry, guys, I have alittle teary, but it gets real
(03:22):
over here.
And this is how real it isBecause this is a special
episode for me and so I want youguys to really see my
vulnerability and how I standfirm in my walk.
So, again, like I said, ifyou're anything like me, come
from any type of background likeme or any type of family like
(03:43):
me my situation then you knowhow hard it is when somebody is
fighting something that'shurting them, whether it's abuse
, whether it's drugs, whetherit's being homeless, poverty,
doesn't matter.
So, seeing my mom and heraddiction, seeing my mom still
fighting to survive, Iconstantly ask God what is it
(04:05):
that you want me to do and howyou want me to show up?
Because there's no way that Ican do your job.
I can't do the Lord's job, butI could use my mouth and I can
send out prayers every day,constantly up into the universe,
up into the creator, up intothe God that I serve, and I can
ask him every day to help mewith this struggle and help me
(04:27):
with my mom.
So that's what I did In 2020, Iposted a video and it went
completely viral.
Like I said, I'm gonna insert aclip so you guys can see the
video of what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Do not, do not do it, do not do what Do not do it, do
not do what Do not.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Do not do it, do not do what Do not do it.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Do not do what.
Do not do it.
Do not do what Do it, do it.
Yeah, I did it.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Don't do that shit, I did it.
Look at you, girl.
Look at you.
Where you going?
I'm going to hell, hell.
Why would you want to go there?
Why would you want to go there?
Can't you be?
(05:10):
Why would you want to go there?
I'm taking you there.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
No, I'm gonna have H a le, h a le.
That is not.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
That's how you spell it.
You so pretty to be like this,don't you want to get your shit
together?
You're so cute to be lookinglike this, mama, what you mean,
so what?
Speaker 3 (05:31):
I would not call you out your name.
I called you a beautiful blackqueen.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Regardless of what drug you are, it don't matter
what you are.
I, I called you a beautifulblack queen.
Yeah, beautiful black queen.
Look at you, look at you, okay.
But yes, this kind of brought meback to the ground zero that I
was talking about, trying tomake my way up out of
understanding just where I comefrom.
(06:01):
You guys sent crazy prayers andyou guys all reached out to me
and at the time I was like, yeah, I'm gonna talk to my mom about
her story and stuff.
But guess what?
You guys, I never got around toit.
No, because I was stillfighting my battle.
I was still understanding whereGod was walking with me, I mean
, where I was walking with Godat and what God was doing with
(06:21):
me in the time that I had toshare with my mama.
So she's here with me and she'sbeen here in Vegas, and it's
not just my podcast, it's ourliving room, it's our space and
this is our real.
So, mom, thank you for doingthis.
I know there is no easy way foryou to talk about what you're
going through, but you are here,you showed up.
(06:42):
That's something that peopledon't really see and they can't
talk about, right?
So let's just talk.
No judgment, no edits unless wemess up, but just the truth.
Okay, this is real.
You guys, this is raw andunreal.
I haven't asked, asked my momany questions, I haven't shown
(07:05):
her anything or you know, I wasjust like Mom.
We're gonna do it episodes,because I feel like now it's
time for her to tell her story.
So, mom, let's get all the wayreal for the podcast.
Get all the way real for me,yourself and anybody that has to
listen.
There are people who wouldnever let their mother in.
(07:26):
After all the pain, therelapses, the street life, the
struggle, why do you think I letyou in?
Do you feel you deserve asecond chance?
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Well, yes, I think everybody deserves a second
chance.
Because they have faith in Godor whatever.
Everybody needs a second chancebecause it's not easy.
It's not easy, like you know,especially growing up how I did
or growing up where I came from,but to be here and still alive
(08:03):
and still breathing, yes, Ithink everybody deserves a
second chance now wrap back tothe first question that I asked
of you.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Why do you think I let you in?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
because you're my daughter and you love me and I
love you too, and, I think,because we both had some issues
before, especially growing up towhere now we have to really get
past the past and grow intojust being there for each other,
(08:35):
more loving each other, moredoing what God would want us to
do.
You know, I like being a family.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
And that's why you think I let you in.
That's your perspective.
That's your perspective, that'smy perspective.
Ok, so, as you guys heard mymom perspective of why she think
I let her in, and I'm going toshare with you guys the reason
why I let her in on this journeyand this walk with God.
It has not been something thatI've glamorized, but I take
(09:04):
initiative to know that it's notgoing to be an easy thing.
But I need to understand thestruggles of my childhood, so
struggling with my mom and wherewe come out, come together at
mind you, my mom is 15 yearsolder than me.
She gave birth to me at 15years old and so that's not
(09:26):
really a big gap to close in forsomebody to really parent
somebody.
So she did have me at a reallyyoung age.
But the reason why I let my momin is because I needed to heal
my inner child, the inner childin me, that question where's my
mom?
What's going on with my mom?
(09:48):
Why is she not here?
So the adult me, as I startedto walk with Christ and started
to align myself with God's words, I needed to touch in with the
root of who I was, and that'sbecause I come from my mom.
I wanted to let her in, and Ididn't let her in completely
Because, trust me, it's been astruggle, but that's my reason
(10:12):
of why I let her in.
So, mom, tell people in yourown words what is PCP addiction?
Speaker 3 (10:22):
actually like ADCP addiction actually like First
tell them what the drug is.
It's a hallucinant downer, it'skind of like a.
(10:45):
It's kind of hard.
It's a kind of like it's kindof hard, it's addiction, that I
wouldn't force it on anyonebecause it's really like it's
kind of hard to shake.
But with God, work andeverything, a lot of things are
curable.
We pick up.
With God, work and everything,a lot of things are curable.
(11:08):
You know, we pick up addictionsbecause we want to.
It's not because it's forced onus, because everybody has a
choice.
We make good choices.
Sometimes we make bad choices.
A lot of times we make a lot ofbad choices because sometimes
they overwrite the good choices.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Understanding, but we don't want to go off the topic
of what is PCP addictionactually like Mentally,
physically and emotionally.
What does it do to you?
Speaker 3 (11:36):
Well, in the beginning it done a lot of
things to me.
You know Like what?
A lot of things that I haveforgotten in my childhood.
It kind of made me remembercertain things that I blocked
out Because it's an enhancer, aloosening drug A lot of things
(11:59):
that I blocked out when I was akid.
And then, seeing my mother gothrough what she was going
through, I kind of started toremember a lot of things that I
had kind of like psychologicallyblocked out of my whole mind.
So it's really hallucinating.
(12:23):
Like I said, it's ahallucinating drug.
So do you hallucinate?
It's like I said, it's anhallucinant drug, it's so.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Do you hallucinate when you're using that drug?
Speaker 3 (12:32):
it's a lot of times when you're coming down off of
it.
I mean, when you're coming downoff of it, you kind of have
like what they call uh, setbacksor withdrawals and um, you kind
of like, if you did like aslong as I did, sometimes you get
the cravings.
It's just like when you smoke.
(12:52):
Because I smoke cigarettes andbecause it's used, you can only
use it to smoke a cigarette.
You have to use it with acigarette.
Um, it was kind of hard to kick, so, but I had to do a lot of
rehabilitation.
I had to go to mental health.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
We're not that far yet, okay, okay.
So as far as PCP, when did youstart using that drug?
Speaker 3 (13:24):
At the age of 23.
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
At the age of 23 was your first time.
Yeah, and who introduced you tothat drug?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
Partying just out at a party.
Friends well, cousins, likerelatives that grew up with me
being at these functions andactually when I started dancing
in the club too, actually when Istarted dancing in the club too
, so that kind of like made mekind of like block off the
(13:55):
things of being an exotic dancer.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
But who?
Speaker 3 (14:03):
gave you the drug my cousin Arlitris.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
To the drug, your cousin.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Arlitris, my cousin Arlitris.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
So your cousin Arlitris introduced you to the
drug PCP.
For those of you who arelistening, PCP stands for
phenylslycline.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
I'm sorry if I'm butchering that word.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
It's an illegal street drug known for its
mind-altering and hallucinogeniceffects.
Sorry, hallucinogenic effects.
It is classified as adissociative drug because it
distorts perceptions and makesusers feel detached from their
surroundings.
(14:40):
Does that sound?
Speaker 3 (14:43):
pretty much familiar.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yes, Growing up watching my mom on PCP.
My mom is the oldest of sevenkids.
She had me at the age of 15.
I am the oldest of five kids.
Watching my mom on PCP was verymental abuse for me.
(15:06):
To see that, to anybody to seethat.
So when I say my story's notglitz and gold, it's not.
I watched my mom struggle withthis addiction and as a young
girl, to look up to the onlywoman that you have to try to
look up to, you ask yourself isthis going to be me too?
(15:27):
Is this going to be my life?
But God said no.
So struggling to understand herPCP addiction is one of the
reasons why I didn't have herinto my life, because obviously
the drug was taking over her.
It's been five years and we'vebeen on an emotional roller
(15:51):
coaster and the first time Iposted her video was literally
five years ago and she was stillusing.
Like she said, she battles withit all the time.
So what is a day in your lifeon the street when you're not
with me?
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Well, actually I just take it one day at a time.
I try to just stay more focused, I try to stay away from a lot
of bad surroundings and I try tolike avoid like a lot of verbal
and physical abuse of you know.
(16:32):
Um, I kind of like I alienatedmyself, I separated myself from
those type of friends that Ithought they were my friends.
So they weren't my friends,because anytime a person offer
you drugs and, um, you knowthey're not your friends.
So sometimes I have to reallystay focused and just stay away
(16:55):
from those type of people, youknow.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
But what is a day in your life on the street?
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Typically it's just a normal day.
I just take one day at a time.
I try to keep myself busy,especially when I'm in
California, and in LA I try tokeep myself.
You know, make all myappointments, keep myself busy,
stay.
You know, I still go to somemeetings, I still see counseling
(17:28):
, I still, you know, justbasically just try to stay
amongst most of the positiveside instead of the rough side.
But it's still hard.
I'm still.
I'm still battling, becausesometimes I can run into that
one maybe guy that I used todate or something, or you know.
(17:49):
So it's a struggle.
Every day is a struggle, but Itry to fight it with God.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
So you guys?
Pcp was initially developed asan intravenous anesthetic in the
1950s but was discontinued forhuman use due to adverse side
effects like agitation,delusions and hallucinations.
It is still used as an animaltranquilizer.
That should let you know howstrong that drug is.
(18:16):
The appearance in it it is pureform.
Pcp is a white crystallinepowder with a bitter chemical
taste.
Soluble in water or alcohol.
It's often found in illicitmarkets as a powder or liquid,
Sometimes mixed with leafymaterials like marijuana or
tobacco for smoking.
(18:37):
The usage of PCP can be snorted, smoked, injected or swallowed.
Smoking is a common methodwhere it's applied to materials
like mint, parsley, oregano ormarijuana.
So you said when you're usingthe PCP, you used it in a
cigarette form.
Yes, so obviously your PCP thatyou were using was in the
(18:59):
liquid form.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
Right, I never seen powder.
I never seen what powder lookedlike.
I only knew what the liquidlooked like.
That's the only type I everused.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
And how was your childhood growing up as a young
woman, growing up in the early70s with your parents?
Were they on drugs?
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Well, yes, that's I mean that's where I seen it from
my dad was struggling with hisaddiction.
Mainly, I never seen my dad doPCP, but I did see my mom do PCP
and there were a lot.
Back then they were reallydoing the pills.
Pills was like the thing to do.
Back then I seen a lot ofdifferent pill use.
(19:46):
So you know there was a lot of.
So you know there was a lot ofin both sides of my family,
which was was struggling fromdifferent addictions.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
So, okay, so both your parents struggled from
addiction, right, so youbasically had an honest to see
drugs in your lifetime.
Yes, sounds pretty familiar fora lot of people that grew up in
the 70s and 80s.
Around that time, drugsobviously was a big thing in
(20:20):
that time, which they still aretoday.
There's no judgment on peoplethat does drugs.
It's just how you do them andallowing them to take over.
Just how you do them andallowing them to take over, you
obviously can affect you andother people in ways that cause
issues for you.
When did you first lose yourchildren because of the drug?
(20:44):
Um?
Speaker 3 (20:49):
I was in my 20s, about the middle 20s.
It was like a Actually itstarted from because before it
was, before I got addicted toPCP, I was using marijuana and
the marijuana was I was reallyon marijuana a lot.
(21:13):
You know, that was my firstaddiction before I upgraded to
the PCP.
So I was a single parent.
I stayed, I always had my ownplace.
I try to, you know, keep mykids, I try to protect him just
as much as I could as a youngparent, a young single parent,
(21:36):
and I just did a lot, a lot ofmarijuana.
And then I got to end up havingto take a test and it came out
dirty from marijuana.
So that's the first time thatDCF came into my life.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Ok, so DCF showed up in your life.
You were in your early 20s Atthe time.
You were addicted to marijuana.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
You had a dirty test.
Dcf came and felt you were kindof not suitable.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Well, they just said that I needed help and I needed
to get into a program.
And that's when I called myfamily and asked them to help me
with the what I was goingthrough.
As far as because they didn'ttake you guys right away, it's
just because, um, I didn't feelthat that I had a problem.
I had to.
(22:26):
I'd never been in a programbefore, so getting into a
program was kind of like, know,I was into a program where
people were on I was maybe thefirst person in the class was
just on marijuana.
It was people that was oncocaine, heroin.
The first time I ever heardabout what's that crystal meth.
(22:50):
I never knew what that was andI was about the only person and
maybe this one other guy thatwas in there for marijuana.
So they were looking at me like, why is she in the groups?
She's only on marijuana.
But marijuana was not illegalthen.
It was a drug.
It was considered a drug.
It was considered abusive drug.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
It was considered a drug, it was considered abusive,
so, but marijuana ended upturning into the real problem,
which was the addiction problemof PCP.
Right, correct, yeah, butmarijuana is what started off of
DCF getting in your businessright as a young marijuana
mother.
Okay, you say you were in yourearly 20s.
I was in my early 20s, so I hadto be around six or seven you
was like seven when I firstencountered DCF the system.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Because, Robert was five, you were seven.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
So yeah, young girl, young mom, two kids struggling.
It happens in life, you guys,it really does.
So next question I want you tobe really honest with me and
yourself and my community.
Why did drugs win over yourfamily for so long?
Speaker 1 (24:09):
well.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
I don't consider that they won.
It won over my family.
I didn't choose it.
It just was something that youknow, that happened and what was
going, what I was going through.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
I think I was also wait, wait.
You can't say that you didn'tchoose something when we all
have a choice.
So this is an honest space tonot be in denial, to be telling
the truth.
Why did drugs win over yourfamily for so long?
Speaker 3 (24:47):
I don't know, I don't ask for that right now.
Was there a?
Speaker 2 (24:50):
moment you chose the high over your kids.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
No, it was more than that.
It was probably the man that Iwas involved with at the time
too.
So it was much more than justthe drug.
It was just, you know, therelationship that I was in was a
little bit not healthy, youknow.
I was, you know, just goingthrough actually trying to.
(25:20):
I was going through mychildhood too.
So it was really kind ofdifficult for me.
You know, I didn't choose thedrug, I just didn't know no
better at the time.
So I had to learn that what Iwas doing was affecting my
family, affecting my kids.
I had to learn through theprogram and getting help through
(25:41):
mental health, that I reallyhad a problem before all this
happened.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
So you're saying that you had a mental problem.
Before you claimed the drugchose you.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
Yes, because I was still.
I was battling something thatthat I held inside of me for a
long time.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
And that was the abuse of being abused as a kid.
Why didn't?
Speaker 3 (26:18):
you choose to choose yourself and kids before
choosing a man and drugs.
Well, like I said, because Iwas really young, I was a kid
myself when I had kids, so Ididn't have that normal
childhood or child life.
So basically, I grew up toofast and I was really missing
out on being a kid, you know, Iwas still in high school.
(26:39):
On my second child, I was stillstruggling with, you know,
family members too, you know,and I had to deal with a lot of
issues that I blocked out and Ididn't want to talk about them
because it were really scarythings that happened to me and
my child as a kid.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Like what?
What are some of the thingsthat happened to you as a kid?
Speaker 3 (27:03):
Well, I was molested by my uncle.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
You were molested by your uncle, by my mother's
brother, by your mother'sbrother.
Yes, still living to's brother.
Yes, still living to this day.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Yes, didn't go to jail.
He went to jail, but it wasmore of other things that he did
.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
But he didn't go to jail for what he did to you, no,
and you're certain that thisperson molested you.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
I know for a fact that I was molested, not just by
him, it was other men too, buthe was the tick.
He was the first one thatstarted it.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
How old were you when your mother's brother molested
you?
That's a pretty sensitive thingbecause, family will hear this
and they would wonder whichbrother it is.
We don't have to put any nameson it.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
They know now, all my family know now, because my
mother brought it out.
So your mother, she didn't knowwhat was happening because she
was going through her addiction,really bad.
Back then she was dealing withmy dad and her other kid's
father, so she didn't know.
You know, leaving us alone orleaving us at my grandma's house
(28:17):
with this man or whatever.
She didn't know that herbrother would do something like
this.
But he was also struggling witha lot of things going on too
with heroin and addiction.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Is that an excuse?
Speaker 3 (28:27):
No, it's not an excuse.
It's just that he was a grownman, he knew.
I kind of figured he knew whathe was doing, but we were kids
we didn't know what washappening.
I just will, you know, it was ashock.
So that's why I kind of saylike I blocked it all in, I
didn't want to remember none ofthat stuff and I kind of was, I
(28:48):
say, saved by my godmother andmy grandmother, my dad's mom,
who took me out of theenvironment and let me be a kid
again At what age did you getmolested?
I was five years old.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
Five years old.
Speaker 3 (29:04):
Maybe four, I'm five.
So, four or five years old, allthe way up until I was like
seven, six, seven, almost seven.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
So a couple years it was happening.
A so a couple years it washappening.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
A few years.
Yeah, it was happening A lot oftimes, we and my cousin Sean,
and it was happening to her too,but we wouldn't talk about it
because we were scared and itwas almost like having a
nightmare.
Every night I would have thesame nightmare over and over
again about this boogeyman thatI couldn't escape from.
(29:35):
And the thing was well, myuncle my mother's brother.
You know it was just a terribleexperience and it had to do with
the heroin and the PCP and thedrugs that they were on, and
that's what they the excuse thatthey had, even as now, as he
got older.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
So do you think, in the certain family communities,
certain where you come from, doyou feel like a lot of families
shelter family members that dopedophile things like
molestations and touching onkids?
Do you feel like that happens alot in black communities,
(30:15):
Mexican communities, minoritycommunities or anybody's
community that people willshelter pedophiles and molesters
when they are family members Of?
Speaker 3 (30:25):
course it happens.
As we speak right now ithappens to the worst thing.
It really hurts when yourgrandmother doesn't believe you
and it takes your aunts tobelieve you.
They knew they were mad, youknow, once they found out, you
(30:47):
know, I think he ended up goingto jail out.
You know, I think he ended upgoing to jail.
Then go him to get arrested foralmost something like that with
a younger, a younger woman thatwas maybe about 16 or 17, but
he was still a grown man and soI think that's what triggered,
uh, to let everybody know thatwhat he was into.
And then it was just certainthings that I saw and grew up at
(31:08):
and when I was a kid it wasjust certain things that I saw
and grew up in and when I was akid it was just really
terrifying, and I think nochildren should have to go
through that.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
So basically, do you feel like your innocence was
stolen?
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Oh, they were definitely robbed.
I mean, I didn't want to knowabout sex, I didn't want to.
I wanted to be a kid, we wantedto play with our dolls, we
wanted to, you know, go toelementary school, right?
We don't want to have to havethese monsters, these demons,
haunting us and terrifying us.
You know, you know me and mycousin.
Sometimes we used to play therunaway game because we didn't
(31:39):
want to be around thatenvironment.
So we was happy when godmothersand my grandmothers come take
us away from that type of stuff.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
OK, sounds good.
So I'm so sorry that thishappened to you.
I know I don't talk to youabout it as much.
I know you try to share thisstory with me, about what
happened to you, and even whenit comes to protecting me as
being me being your onlydaughter how was protected with
(32:15):
you.
Speaker 3 (32:16):
How was?
Speaker 2 (32:16):
that in a case of knowing what happened with you
and you putting in thatprotection for me, because, by
the grace of god, no one hasever touched me, and that's
because I haven't everexperienced anything like that.
I think, for the simple partthat I'll be in jail honestly.
Speaker 3 (32:36):
Well, I really I had made a pact with myself that I
would never let this happen tonone of my children and I kind
of protected you guys from thatto the best that I can, to the
best of my knowledge, and I, I,I, I, I just prayed on it that I
, this one could never happen tonone of my children.
(32:58):
They would never go through.
I'm kind of glad I said I wantyou to go through what I went
through and, um, I just, uh, Ikept it very simple and I just
just protect it.
I just protected the best ofwhat I can.
I just made sure that I'm notgoing to let a child of mine go
(33:18):
through what I went through.
Even when it was times when Ialmost thought I couldn't
protect you, you guys, I stillfought my way in to try to do
the best that I can to keep youguys from even going through
that type of hell.
You know.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Well, thank you for that.
Appreciate that, and that's abig deal.
Some people have judged me fromthe video that I posted of you.
Some people will judge me foreven this interview.
Judgment comes in both forms,good and bad.
I had people judge me andsaying thank you for loving your
(33:56):
mama.
And I had people also judge meand say why are you putting her
out there like that?
What do you say to them?
People who have something tosay.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Well, I wouldn't say nothing to them, people who have
something to say.
Well, I wouldn't say nothing tothem because I put my own self
out there like that.
I mean, you know it's nothingthat you're doing right now that
I have not already done tomyself.
It would be even worse.
You know, I've been insituations where I don't even
think I should be.
I didn't think I was going tobe alive today.
You know, I put myself inpredicaments where I don't know
how I should be.
I didn't think I was going tobe alive today.
(34:32):
You know, I put myself inpredicaments where I don't know
how I got out of it.
It had to be the grace of Godthat I got out of certain things
, you know, but I wouldn't takeback.
The only thing I would probablytake back is growing up to live
to that little part of hellthat I had grew up.
But I don't take back evenbeing born with my mom.
(34:55):
You know they've also had astruggle you know this is not
about them, I know.
But just having a life of whatwe had to go through.
I, you know, if I could do itall over again I wouldn't do it
exactly same.
But I, you know, try to makethe corrections you know.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
What do you say to families that's torn apart by
addiction?
Speaker 3 (35:21):
Well, it's always help.
We have more help now todaythan we did way back when I was
growing up in the 60s, 70s and80s.
I mean, there we have solutionsnow.
We have a lot of more resourcesnow today because they didn't.
We didn't have DCF in our lifeback then.
Well, it came into effect atthe end.
(35:43):
I was after I had you, that'swhen my mom got into DCF.
They didn't have those peoplethat would call them.
You know, neighbors reallystayed out of your business.
You know they didn't have allthat until after you were born.
You know, my mom actually shedidn't really get caught on like
(36:09):
I did.
It's that she knew that she washitting rock bottom.
So she admitted herself for sixmonths in the mental hospital
at St Francis Hospital inLinwood.
My mother did it for herselfbecause she was sick and tired.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
sick and tired of what she was going through okay,
so so dcf, um, cps these areall common names for department
of child services uh, childrenprotective services.
These services companies camearound fairly.
(36:47):
Uh, it says child protectiveservice.
Um, it came about in 1825, sothat was a long time ago, right.
But then it says was cps a thingin the 70s?
And it says child protectiveservices agencies were first
established in response to the1974 capta.
So sometimes in the 70s youwould say like DCF, CPS kind of
(37:11):
start making known or was theyjust not a big thing?
Speaker 3 (37:15):
No, we would call them social workers, because in
the late 70s, when my mother wason government assistance, they
had what they call socialworkers would come visit your
house just because you were onthe government assistance.
So they had to come see how youwas living, how your kids were
living, how they were dressing.
Did you have food in therefrigerator?
(37:35):
Was there any school?
Yeah, a kid had to be in schoolbecause they wouldn't give you
the assistance that you neededfrom the government if your
child was neglecting school orgetting beating or you know.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
So systematic, Systematic right.
Systematically, in order to getgovernment assistance, social
service workers had to come outto visit Right.
Are you coming from a familythat always used government
assistance.
Speaker 3 (38:09):
Not everybody Was your mom, my mom did, was your
dad.
No, my dad worked, but your momwas heavily Because she had
other kids.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
It's just a yes or no .
Speaker 3 (38:22):
Yes, when they separated yes.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
Yes or no, so she had government assistance.
When she separated yeah, andwas she the reason you also now
receive government assistancewith social security?
Speaker 3 (38:34):
well, she had a big part of it.
Yes, she, she did help me getthat, because when I was into
the hospital mental health, shealso knew more about my
childhood, of what happened tome then, more than I did so she
felt like mentally you was notcapable to function in the world
, that government assistancewill be beneficial for you to
(38:56):
survive.
Well, she knew at some point Iwould need it because I was in
denial on what I would, what Imy mental status.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
OK, so have you ever had a job not talking
entertainment?
Have you ever worked for?
Speaker 3 (39:17):
I had a part-time job , I did.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
How long ago was that ?
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Well, it was like.
I think you were like maybe two.
So very, very long ago, verylong time ago, it was for a
furniture company.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
Ever since then, you've never had a job since.
Speaker 3 (39:32):
Just dancing.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
After dancing, have you ever had a job where you got
paid a check?
Speaker 3 (39:39):
Not a check, but maybe under the table.
Not under the table.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
A job that you clocked in and went to work.
No, no.
Speaker 3 (39:47):
Okay work?
Speaker 2 (39:55):
no, no, okay.
So in Romans 5, where we talkedabout in a previous episode,
romans 5, chapter 5, verses 3 to5, it says suffering produces
perseverance, character and hope.
Do you feel hopeful right now?
Speaker 3 (40:08):
Yes, you do.
Yeah, I feel that I conquered.
Actually, I survived a veryrough childhood and a little a
young lady's hood.
I survived a lot of obstaclesthat most people probably
wouldn't have survived.
(40:28):
You know, um, I've seen a lotof people that I knew I grew up
with.
It's not even here todaybecause they couldn't handle
their life.
They can't handle the ways oflife of growing up with, uh,
so-called bad parents or beingin foster care.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
So you feel hopeful right now, or are you just
surviving?
Speaker 3 (40:54):
I feel very grateful as far as more than hopeful.
I feel more grateful that I am.
I do have my health, I do havemy mind straight, I can remember
, I can think for myself, youknow.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
How long has it been since you've felt like that
Grateful and clear mind?
Speaker 3 (41:25):
I'd say after I got out.
I'd say about about 30 when Iwas 36 on to now.
Speaker 2 (41:31):
Well, that can be possible, because I have videos
of you not in a clear mind.
Speaker 3 (41:37):
Well, I probably was just out of that summer, but it
was a lot of times that you know.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
But you're homeless.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
Yeah, I am, and that's not by choice, it's just
because Well it has to be bychoice, because we all have a
choice.
Speaker 2 (41:52):
Well, if you say you're not working, you haven't
got a job.
So we have choices.
We can either do or we cannot,and you're choosing not, do you
think that is the reason why?
Speaker 3 (42:11):
no, I feel that I'm trying to get back on my feet,
and what way?
So it's a slow process, but I'mapplying for different places.
I'm applying, you know myselffor to get another apartment I
might.
Can't afford to live in one ortwo-bedroom with my fixed income
(42:33):
, so I'm still relying on forthe government help to assist me
in certain ways.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Yeah, but is it working for you or not?
Because it doesn't seem likeit's working if you're at my
house.
Speaker 3 (42:48):
I just have to wait until see what happens.
I mean I can't, I don't, Ican't predict the future, I
can't predict what's happening.
I just I call and see what mystatus is, and they telling me
that I'm at the part where I'malmost there.
Just hold on, you know, they'retrying, they're fixing on it,
they're working on it, andthat's all I can.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
So this is real stories, john, I really got to
keep it real with you guys.
I really do.
She does not work, my mom doesnot work and she doesn't want to
work, and there is no waitingwhen it comes to being with me,
(43:30):
and that's the reason why we'rehere today is because she don't
have the time to wait around andsit and wait for things you
have to initiate when you'regoing to take charge of your
life and make the correctchoices.
When you know better, you dobetter.
So it's unfortunately that,still in a mental state, as you
guys can hear my mom talk thatshe's very grateful but not
hopeful.
Because that was the questionAre you hopeful for where you
(43:54):
can go into, what life you canmove into, what movement you can
go into?
Being grateful is saying I'mgrateful that somebody has let
me in the door.
Being hopeful is saying I knowfor a fact that God is going to
change my life if I wake up withGod every day.
That's a hope that we all need.
(44:16):
So I'm struggling to understandor where I step in at and I'm
like all right, god, this is toomuch for me.
I don't want to be a part ofthis, because I'm okay with
somebody being grateful, but Ineed somebody that's hopeful,
somebody that's going to takethe initiative, someone's that's
going to step out and say I'mnot waiting for anybody to make
(44:38):
choices and do things for me,I'm going to do them myself.
So Faithful Fin Talk is meactually showing you guys look,
this is real, this is a realstory.
This is me being growing up inyour face and in my growing up.
You have to have real growth.
You have to step out and sayI'm going to do this on my own.
(45:00):
So the questions that I'masking my mom, they're really
personal to me and they shouldreally be personal to her to
bring hope into her life, notjust being grateful because
anybody can be grateful when youlet them in your door, when you
open your door to somebody, ofcourse they're going to be
grateful, but how grateful willthey be if they don't initiate
(45:23):
hope in their life to be betterthan they were yesterday?
That's a big deal.
So when was the last time youreally felt God?
Oh well, I constantly feel Godall the time, or do you ever
feel like God forgot about you?
Speaker 3 (45:43):
No, I never give up on my prayers.
I never give up on my prayers.
I never give up on God.
It's not God's that's making mego through what I'm going
through.
God has always been the mostmerciful God that I grew up with
in my life To where, like Isaid, you know, I'm grateful I'm
(46:09):
at peace while I'm still alivetoday because, like I said, I
saw my life go a long time agoand I'm so grateful that God saw
fit to even let me be here.
Even you know I've been shot,you know, while I was carrying
my child, and I know that wasnothing but God that kept me
(46:34):
alive.
Then you know that was anotherhard for experience that I had
to go through too, you know.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
I've heard you say things that you regret about me,
about yourself, certainsituations, especially when
you're under the influence, whenyou're not in the right state
of mind, even about your ownlife.
I hear you talk a lot aboutyour past and about your own
(47:06):
life.
Is there anything you need tosay to your younger self today,
or even to me, your daughter,right now?
Speaker 3 (47:16):
Well, I just want to say out of all I'm sorry for a
lot of things that I have putyou through.
I'm really thankful and I'm atat peace where God put you right
now and I think that you reallydid a good job with growing up
(47:38):
to be a nice, beautiful womanand to love your kids more, you
know, being your children's lifethe best that you could can,
the best that you could can.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
And um what?
Speaker 3 (47:59):
do you want to tell?
Speaker 2 (47:59):
to your younger self, to my younger self yeah, maybe
the five-year-old girl that gotmolested.
What would you say to her rightnow?
What you say to her?
Speaker 3 (48:07):
right now that you're going to make it Through all
that.
You're going through that.
You're going to make it.
Don't give up on yourself,don't give up on your life,
(48:28):
don't give up on being a kid.
You know, because that's allshe wanted to do was be a kid.
You know, because that's allshe wanted to do was be a kid
and have that normal kid life.
You know, and when something soprecious like that is brought
from you, you think the worst.
I used to think the worst, whyme?
I thought God did forgive,didn't love me.
(48:48):
I used to think the worst likewhy me?
Why is it?
You know why?
I thought God did forgive,didn't love me.
I thought God didn't care.
You know, but I'm a kid, Ididn't know no better, I didn't.
You know all the stuff that Iheard about well, god, this and
this, that Jesus.
Where was that?
I felt that, where was thatwhen that was happening to me?
Speaker 2 (49:10):
And I'm glad you said that because I think a lot of
people actually feel like whereis God, where is this Jesus?
Where is God when somethingtragic has happened to them in
their life?
When you lose someone suddenly,when something disturbing
happened in a family member orto you or anything, and you're
asking yourself where is Godright?
(49:32):
What is God doing?
What is he trying to show me orsay to me and for me to say to
my community?
That's what relationship withGod looks like is we don't have
all the answers and we don'tknow what's going to take place
and we don't know what's goingto happen, and we don't know
what's going to take place andwe don't know what's going to
happen.
But to know that God is verymuch present in our life and
(49:53):
shows up exactly where we are,that helps us really take that
choice and say you know what I'mgoing to get with God, because
I need to know what God istalking to me about, and that's
what LeVette Legacy is about.
So on this podcast, we talkabout legacy.
I talk about creating LeVetteLegacy is about.
So on this podcast, we talkabout legacy.
I talk about creating LaVetteLegacy, because I don't come
(50:16):
from a legacy.
Legacy is something you didn'tleave behind.
Speaker 3 (50:27):
So what is you fighting for today?
Speaker 2 (50:39):
Um more um my freedom .
I can say you seem pretty freeto me.
I don't what freedom.
What is freedom that you don'thave?
You're not working.
You're living right now undermy roof for free well, I'm not
saying that type of freedom.
Speaker 3 (50:50):
I'm talking about, like as far as like, the
experience of me being locked up.
You're not locked up.
No, not now.
Speaker 2 (50:57):
So we're not talking about that, because that's not
Now.
What do you?
What is you fighting for today?
You can't fight for freedombecause you're not in jail.
Speaker 3 (51:12):
Well, basically, I'm just fighting, really, really.
I'm just trying to get back onmy feet and fight for my getting
my place again.
You know, being independent,you know depending on myself,
you know depending onResponsibility that's what I'm
fighting for, Just to be moreresponsible.
Speaker 2 (51:32):
And what do you hope your story will say when it's
all said and done?
Speaker 3 (51:38):
Well, maybe it can help a person not to make
certain choices in their life.
Maybe it can help someone lookinto their children when they're
small, you know, try to be more, as far as more interacting
(52:00):
with their siblings areinteracting coming to as being
more positive.
Speaker 2 (52:06):
You know role models, you know so we talk about a
positive role model right now,today.
You know role models, you know.
Speaker 3 (52:10):
So we talk molestation Because we need more
positive role models right now,today.
Speaker 2 (52:12):
you know, so you hope your story will help somebody
else in the long run, right?
So we talked today aboutmolestation, and one of the
persons that I like to listen toa lot is Joyce Myers, and she
talks about the molestation thather dad occurred on her and how
her mom turned a blind eye toit and how she struggled with
(52:36):
that for so many years.
Yes, your molestation tookplace in a very young age for a
short period of time.
Do you feel at any point?
Speaker 3 (52:57):
that in your adult age that you could have chose to
not dwell in your molestation.
Well, I want to go back on thatbecause, even though it stopped
there with that particularperson, I still was fighting the
same issues, but just not as avery as it was when I was four
or five and six, almost seven,even when I became a developing
(53:22):
young woman, I still had to facethese things with men, with
older men who looked at medifferently because I was
developing as a young woman.
At 12 and 13 I was coming,filling out and I was still
having certain men in the familyuh, that so-called boyfriends,
(53:48):
you know who were in that mindstate of being a pedophile.
You know I still had to grow upand to protect myself, even as
a preteen, you know so a lot ofnegative things.
Speaker 2 (54:06):
You're fighting in your head a lot of demons.
Well, it was just a lot ofnegative things.
You're fighting in your head Alot of demons.
Speaker 3 (54:10):
Well, it was just a lot of issues that I went
through growing up, right?
Speaker 2 (54:14):
So a lot of a lot of demons is what people call it.
Speaker 3 (54:17):
Yeah, you can call them spiritual warfare.
Speaker 2 (54:20):
So let's just pause for a second.
Do you ever wish you can takeit all back, or do you see any
purpose in the pain?
Speaker 3 (54:34):
Of course I wish I could take those days back.
I mean, I can't say I had twosides of growing up.
I had a good side and I hadalso had a bad side.
But, um, the one of the onlythings that I really would like
to take back is the bad parts,the really negative, negative,
(54:55):
negative parts.
That was really so terrifyingthat I feel no child or no young
woman should have to go throughperiod, even today, you know so
I wouldn't change giving birthto the children that I had,
because those were my choicesthat I made to have those
(55:15):
children.
Because, believe me, in betweentime I got, I didn't got
pregnant many of times and Ichose to.
I made a choice not to havethose children.
But I thank God for thechildren that I have today,
because it kind of made me intothe young woman that I am today
too.
You know I really needed tolearn a lot of responsibility.
I really need to learn how tobe, you know, even though I was
(55:42):
a young mom, but I still had tobe a good, a grown mom too.
You know I had to raise some ofmy sisters and brothers growing
up.
You know I had a lot of mysisters and brothers growing up.
You know, uh, I had a lot ofstuff put on me growing up, you
know.
So it's certain things that Iwill take back, but it's a lot
of things that I wouldn't takeback for the world, because a
lot of times I, a lot of times Ireally had a good time growing
(56:04):
up.
You know, um, I had, like Isaid, two different backgrounds
my godmother, my grandmother.
We don't want to go into toomuch detail about that Okay,
okay yeah.
Speaker 2 (56:14):
So because it's still your story, it's your
perspective.
But there is also other sidesof the stories.
Me and my brothers can alsohave our side of the story, of
what we feel like take place too.
So I'm going to just notate andsay, mom, there are days when
I'm extremely angry at you.
There are days when Icompletely don't like you at all
(56:38):
, can't stand you, don't want tobe around you.
There are days when I foughtyou.
Literally we fought, we arguedand everything.
So for you to be sitting heretoday with me is God's grace.
It's nothing but God's grace.
(56:59):
Because I am so angry at thiswoman next to me, because
there's a lot of things in mychildhood that I didn't
experience and I missed out onby just not having my mom.
And I'm sure there's otherpeople in the world who question
why me?
(57:20):
Why did this happen to me?
Why did my mom or my dad haveto fall short to this drugs or
drinking or society?
Or why short to this drugs ordrinking or society, or why you
know?
But at the end of the day, mywalk with God, my relationship
with God, supersedes how angry Iwill want to be at you.
(57:42):
It, it overflows into my angerand it brings me calm and peace,
because they say honor thyparents so your days can live
longer.
So me honoring you by havingyou here to tell your story is
me saying God, I see what youdid here, but that's still not
(58:07):
my responsibility.
I can't do what God can do foryou.
I can't tell your side of thestory for you or confess to God
what needs to be changed or yourchoices.
If that makes sense, right, allright.
(58:28):
But here we are, stillbreathing, still hoping.
I know she don't have hope, butI do, still praying.
So just know, even all of mydisappointments, I still want to
see you win.
That's been a huge thing for me, so I would like to thank you
for being honest, even when ithurts, even if it's your side of
(58:50):
the story.
This isn't just a podcast.
This is two women, twogenerations, fighting for a
different ending.
So to anybody listening, don'tturn away from the mess.
God meets us in the middle ofit.
Next episode we'll talk abouthealing, forgiveness and what
(59:11):
recovery actually looks likewhen you're still in the fight.
Faithful fan family.
This is real life.
This is my story.
This is huge for me.
So I'm going to close it offwith a prayer and I'm going to
say God, we're messy, we'rehurting, but you promise that
nothing is wasted, not our pain,not our past, not even our
(59:33):
worst day.
Cover every parent, every child, every family in this fight.
Give us strength to keepshowing up and remind us, even
in our lowest moments, that weare still yours, amen, amen.
So for all of you guys who liketo join us in this conversation
(59:54):
, if this conversation hasblessed you, please subscribe,
share and join the faithful fintalk community.
Follow and connect with us oninstagram, on tiktok, on
facebook, on youtube website.
Levette legacy living in wealth.
Faithful fin talkcom podcast.
Faithful fin talkcom podcastfaithfulfintalkcom.
Obviously it's on Buzzsprout,but you can find it anywhere.
(01:00:14):
Join the newsletters, drop yourtestimonies, dm us.
You are a part of this story.
Let's keep building legacytogether.
I would like to thank you forwalking with me, thank you for
growing with me and until nexttime, you guys.
This is Faithful Fintalk realstories real scripture and real
(01:00:44):
growth.
Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
See you, wings open wide, trusting my God, ready to
take off, ready to take off?
Ah, someday I know I'm movingin the right way oh, one day I
(01:01:06):
keep praying, I keep praying, Ikeep praying.
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