November 11, 2025 • 28 mins
What if a simple birthday gift revealed a secret your parents had been carrying for more than three decades?
For his 36th birthday, Nick’s siblings gave him a 23andMe kit. It seemed like a fun way to learn more about his ancestry, until his parents sat him down with a truth that changed everything. Nick discovered that he was donor conceived, while his brother was not.
In this first part of Nick’s story, he shares what it felt like to have the truth land without warning, why he chose compassion instead of anger, and how this discovery ultimately strengthened his relationship with the father who raised him.
Nick also explains the fertility practices of the 1980s, including sperm washing and sperm mixing, and how secrecy became standard procedure for families like his.
And when his test results came back, the surprises were just beginning.
One Test. Two Brothers. Two Different Truths.
What We Talk About
- How a DNA test transformed a birthday gift into a life-changing discovery
- The moment Nick’s parents told him the truth about his conception
- How secrecy was encouraged in fertility medicine during the 1980s
- The emotional impact of realizing your family story is incomplete
- Why Nick’s empathy toward his parents shaped their healing
- The mix of gratitude and confusion that comes with learning you are donor conceived
- The unregulated side of the fertility industry and its lasting effects
- Discovering 14 half-siblings, including two raised by the donor
- Finding a new sense of identity and belonging after a DNA surprise
Key Quotes
It was the shock of my life. I did not see it coming whatsoever.
I could see the fear in my parents’ eyes, and I just wanted to make sure they were okay.
When I found out I was donor conceived, it didn’t break our relationship. It made it stronger.
Doctors told them, ‘Don’t ever say anything. There’s no way this will ever come out.’
Takeaways
- DNA tests can reveal truths that change entire family narratives.
- Secrets meant to protect can create years of emotional weight.
- Empathy and openness can lead to unexpected healing.
- The fertility industry’s lack of oversight has left many families without answers.
- Understanding your origins can strengthen, not destroy, family connections.
Reflection Questions for Listeners
- How would you respond if you learned your family story wasn’t what you thought?
- What might honesty bring to a family that has held on to a secret for years?
- How do we redefine family when biology and identity diverge?
- What does compassion look like in moments of shock or betrayal?
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Hey there and welcome back to Family Twist.
I'm Cory, and today's storystarts with a birthday gift that
came with a really big surprise.
Nick turned 36, and his siblingsdecided to give him one of those
23andMe DNA kits.
You know the kind that'ssupposed to tell you that you're
3% Viking or related to somebodywho maybe once waved at George
Washington.
(00:21):
Instead, he told Nick somethinghis parents had kept secret his
entire life.
That he's donor-conceived.
Now, his two younger siblings.
Same parents, same household,aren't donor-conceived.
But there's a twist there aswell.
Nick's parents carried theirsecret for decades, convinced by
doctors back in the 80s that noone would ever find out, or need
(00:42):
to find out.
So when they finally told him,they expected anger, confusion,
and maybe even rejection.
But Nick surprised them.
He stayed calm, he led withempathy.
In the first part of Nick'sstory, he walks us through that
moment.
What it's like to have the truthland like a meteor in the middle
of your life, and how he managedto turn shocking into
(01:03):
understanding.
We'll talk sperm washing, spermmixing, and the unregulated
chaos that was the fertilityindustry back then.
And, spoiler alert, still thatway.
So just wait to hear what hisDNA results uncovered, because
14 half siblings later, the plotis just starting to thicken.
Okay, let's talk to Nick.
(01:31):
Hey Nick, welcome to the FamilyTwist Podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (01:33):
Thank you guys for having me.
Nice meeting you both.
SPEAKER_01 (01:36):
Thank you.
Nice to meet you as well, yeah.
So we mentioned to you before westarted recording that Kendall
and I don't like to know toomuch about someone's story
before we do these interviews.
It's just we found out kind ofthe hard way that's like if we
know too much, it's just thereal factor isn't there.
So I mean, we know a little bitabout you, but you discovered
you were donor-conceived at 36.
(01:57):
Is that correct?
SPEAKER_00 (01:58):
That's correct.
Yeah.
So I'm 38 now.
So this was a little over twoand a half years ago.
And you know, like many otherdonor-conceived people, it it
was the shock of my life.
I did not see it comingwhatsoever.
And the way this all kind ofcame about was it was my 36th
birthday, and my two youngersiblings got me a 23ME testing
(02:22):
kit as a gift.
And I had, I guess, expressedlight interest in like
understanding my ancestry, youknow, years before getting this
as a gift.
I never was like, oh, I gottaknow more about you know where I
come from and all that.
But it had been brought up, youknow, a couple times, and I had
(02:43):
said, yeah, that would be kindof cool.
So at this point in my life, mytwo younger siblings take it
upon themselves to get this forme.
And when they do, they let Ithink it was my brother who let
my mom know that they wereplanning to give this to me.
And in that moment, she justfroze.
My brother kind of recalls heralmost like going white, like
(03:07):
turning into a ghost almost.
My parents, I guess, behind thescenes discussed what was about
to happen and that I was goingto get this gift, and said, you
know what?
Before Nick received this, wehave to talk to him.
We have to sit him down.
This actually applied to mybrother as well, because he was
(03:27):
conceived in the same fashion.
So, which back in the late 80s,the way that this all went down
was through sperm washing andthen sperm mixing.
So, because of that mixingfactor, I guess my parents had
convinced themselves that therewas the possibility that both I
(03:48):
and my brother could beconnected to our dad who raised
us.
Jumping ahead a little bit, itturns out my brother is actually
biologically connected to ourdad.
So I think he sort of defied theodds in some ways.
But needless to say, theconversations were had with both
me and my brother separatelywith our parents.
(04:10):
And the way they kind ofexpressed this was like I just
said, they said there's apossibility.
And my first thought when I gotthis news from my parents, and I
could see the fear in them as wewere having this conversation
because they had no idea how itwas going to react.
Was first off, this doesn'tchange anything in terms of our
(04:35):
relationship.
Obviously, there's potential forit to change how I'm connected
biologically or not connected,but then I thought, how do you
guys feel?
For some reason, I put the focuson them because I knew that at
36 years old, they had beencarrying this for my entire
(04:55):
life.
Knowing that I think a lot ofdonor-conceived people, their
parents know for sure that thechild is donor-conceived.
In my parents' case, they heldout hope.
But they were still carryingthis nonetheless and suppressing
a very huge piece of informationfor my entire life.
(05:16):
And I think after they saw that,you know, they had just dropped
this bomb.
And even in the earliestmoments, despite being extremely
confused, I was still acceptingof what they were telling me.
I could see just how much reliefthat provided them to know that
(05:38):
I didn't storm out or anything.
I didn't throw a hissy fit, andis for many don't or conceive
people, but for me, I didn'treally feel I didn't feel anger.
And I'm still trying to figureout like exactly why that wasn't
present.
I've kind of come up with someanswers to that.
A lot of it has to do with theway I was raised.
My parents, you know, they havea very loving marriage, they're
(06:01):
still married today.
You know, I really respected andadmired the way they parented,
both me and my two siblings.
And that kind of outweighed anypotential negatively charged
emotions that I could have felt.
So, yeah, it was this heavyconversation that we had.
(06:23):
And afterwards, I remember goingupstairs and calling my brother.
He had a similar conversationwith my parents and just
checking in with him and saying,like, hey, are you okay?
Like, this is pretty crazy.
Just, you know, asking how hewas feeling.
And I don't really recallexactly much of that
conversation because it was thiswas right after the news had
(06:46):
been dropped on us.
So like it's quite blurry in mymemory to think back on like
what we actually said.
But it was just the two of uskind of checking in and and
figuring out, all right, we'reokay, but like, what does the
path forward look like now?
Because we still hadn't takenthe tests.
So part of it was almost likeanswering that question, like,
(07:10):
do we take the test?
And I remember the next morningjust so clearly being like, Of
course I'm taking the test.
Like, I have to know all of theinformation I can get my hands
on.
And my brother, for mostly formedical reasons, because he had
had a newborn at that time, wasvery clearly leaning towards
(07:31):
taking the test.
But I remember discussing withmy parents like my decision and
that I needed to know know theresults.
And my mom, she kind of was inthe position of like, well, the
cat's out of the bag now.
Like, what are we just gonnapretend like this isn't real?
(07:52):
Like, do what you gotta do.
My dad, on the other hand,expressed that he didn't feel he
even needed to know the results,almost saying, if you take the
test, like don't tell me.
And I thought, yeah, and Ithought, I am taking the test, I
am getting these answers, andthere's no way I can keep that
(08:15):
from you.
Like part of how we got here isthat there was this truth in the
air that was never revealed, andif I get more answers towards
what the truth actually is, likeI'm not gonna follow that same
path of just like suppressing itand keeping it on the inside,
like we're gonna talk about it.
(08:38):
Yeah, I mean, that was a veryclear path forward for me.
Like, I knew like this is mystory now, and not that I want
to dictate how it goes forward,but like the ball's in my hands
now, essentially, and we caneither figure out how to move
(08:59):
forward together, or I'm gonnado it on my own.
And thankfully, it wasn't theeasiest path towards getting to
the point we're at now wherewe're all completely open about
it, but little by little, thatwas the only way.
And my dad's initial resistance,I think was based on the
(09:23):
unknowing of when these resultscome back, if we are indeed not
biologically connected, is thatgoing to have a negative impact
on our relationship?
And I think he had a lot of feararound that.
And the reality was when theresults came back, and I find
out I'm donor-conceived, itactually strengthened our
(09:45):
relationship because I becamemore grateful for the sacrifices
and the selflessness that thiswhole process when I was being
conceived came with.
SPEAKER_01 (09:59):
Before we dig into the results, just for some
context, because you mentionedone of your siblings also went
through the similar process.
Is it your youngest sibling beenwas the youngest sibling
conceived the old-fashioned way?
SPEAKER_00 (10:12):
So I have a younger brother, he's the one that was
conceived in the same fashion Iwas, and then I have a younger
biological sister, they'renon-binary, but they were
conceived naturally.
SPEAKER_01 (10:26):
Um in that conversation with your parents,
did they explain thecircumstances as to why they
would even have to go thepotential for doing conception?
SPEAKER_00 (10:37):
Yeah, and more of that came to light as time went
on.
But I had always known that ithad taken a while for my parents
to conceive.
Like they were, you know, itwasn't something they talked
about, but there were mentionsof that growing up, that like it
took them six or seven years.
I'd later come to find out thatthey were considering adoption
(10:59):
at one point.
They explored adopting a childfrom South Korea, but like that
didn't quite work with my dad'swork schedule.
The only answer in the end forthem was donor conception.
So they wanted to have a childso badly but couldn't do it
naturally.
That's ultimately what theysettled on.
(11:21):
Which, yeah, I mean, I knowthrough talking to other
donor-conceived people thatthere's a lot of flaws and you
know, just the unregulatedindustry that we come from
really creates an environmentwhere we don't really have
justice and like have access toall the information that I think
(11:43):
we rightly deserve.
So, you know, there's a lot ofthings that could be said in
terms of like parents back thensort of ignoring or not being
mindful of the struggle thatcould come from this.
But right, this is what myparents chose.
And I'm thankful.
I'm thank it's why I'm here, andI choose to see the positives in
(12:05):
it despite knowing how, youknow, for lack of a better
phrase, like messed up the wholefertility industry is.
SPEAKER_01 (12:15):
Right.
And and we totally understandthe mindset of people who are
like, you know, desperate tohave a child, and and there's
you know, they can't do it theold-fashioned way.
And you know, it's kind of likeyou're wearing horse flyers at
that point.
You're not really not thinkingabout like medical history and
all this stuff, you're justthinking about, you know, we
want to have a baby.
Yeah.
And, you know, we st uh it's notcommon knowledge that the
(12:38):
fertility industry is so messedup.
You know, it's starting to cometo light a little bit, that
legislation is slowly startingto happen.
But it's, you know, most peoplehad don't have any idea.
They just think like, oh, okay,well, great.
That was a baby.
I don't think we've ever reallytouched on, and Kemble, correct
me if I'm wrong, on spermwashing slash sperm mixing.
(12:58):
Can you just kind of talk alittle bit about the process and
and how it was explained to yourparents?
SPEAKER_00 (13:03):
Yeah, so sperm washing, and again, I am just
going based off of what myparents said and the little bit
of Googling that I didafterwards.
Sperm washing, I suppose if it'seven a process still done today,
I don't know, would extract thestrongest sperm from my dad.
And then the sperm mixing aspectis taking those stronger sperm
(13:23):
and blending them together withdonor sperm.
So it gives the parents, again,the hope, but in my brother's
case, the reality that the childcan still be related
biologically to the father.
SPEAKER_01 (13:38):
Yeah, we're definitely gonna have to do some
research.
I'm just kind of curious aboutstatistics as to how how
frequently, you know.
That's such a that's just such abizarre thing to think about.
Like, all right, let's mix yourstrongest sperm with this guy's
strongest for C Fly.
SPEAKER_00 (13:52):
Right, right.
Yeah.
So that's the process that myparents opted for.
And I think one of the biggestthings that I wanted to figure
out through all of this was, andagain, many DCPs can relate to
this, is why didn't my parentstell me?
And a big part of why I'veaccepted the fact that they
(14:17):
didn't tell me was becausedoctors, people who, you know,
back in the day, you would trustpretty much anything a doctor
said.
I think we have lost that alittle bit these days.
But back then, if a doctor toldyou you never have to worry
about this, like don't sayanything, there's no way that
(14:37):
this can be uncovered, chancesare the parents are going to
listen to that.
And it was really only untilthese DNA testing companies were
starting to become moreprevalent that my parents
started having conversationswith each other, saying, wait a
minute, like there may come aday where we need to address
(15:01):
this.
If a doctor you know, doctorstold my parents don't say
anything, and they took thatadvice.
And it I think it's unfair tojudge decisions from the past
with the information that wehave today.
SPEAKER_01 (15:17):
So Absolutely, yeah.
No, we're not we don't want tocast blame on on parents at all,
you know, in these types ofcircumstances now.
Um the people in the industry,on the other hand, I mean they
knew that some of the stuff theywere doing was probably not very
cool.
unknown (15:33):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (15:34):
Uh, what's the age difference between you and your
brother?
I am two years and two monthsolder than him.
You know, did they use the samedonor with him?
I actually don't know.
I think the answer is no, butI'm not sure.
I'm not positive.
SPEAKER_01 (15:50):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (15:50):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (15:51):
I'm just curious, and yeah, you would have been
too young probably to be evenasking questions and stuff, like
if they were going to back tothe same clinic or whatever, you
know, you're just a little noteven too.
SPEAKER_00 (16:01):
Yeah.
But no, that's a really fairquestion that actually I think
I'm gonna ask my parents thisnow because I talk to a lot of
people who, you know, theirparents felt it was important
that they use the same donor formultiple children that they
have, just so there's thatcommonality.
And yeah, I never thought ofthat.
I gotta ask my parents that now.
unknown (16:23):
Okay.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (16:24):
And the stories we've heard about them nickel
and diming people too, like, oh,well, this is an add-on if you
want to know this.
It's like, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00 (16:30):
It's just it seems cruel to me.
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of likelate-stage capitalism at its
grossest.
SPEAKER_01 (16:36):
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00 (16:37):
You take the test, and your brother, did he take a
test as well?
He took the test about a week inadvance of me.
So he gets his results back, andthey end up being somewhat
inconclusive, which prompted himto take a direct one-on-one
paternity test with our dad,which then showed that they are
biologically connected.
(16:58):
My test came through about aweek later, and during the lead
up time to getting the results,you know, my brother and I are
having conversations almost on adaily basis.
I'm talking to my parents prettyregularly about all of this,
like really trying to establishthat like being open no matter
what is the way to go.
(17:20):
And I had sort of settled on thelikelihood that my dad and I
were not biologically connected.
And really the main reason forthat is physically we don't look
much alike.
I mean, you guys can see I havea pretty thick beard and dark
hair.
My dad is blonde hair, blueeyes, can't really grow a beard.
Yeah, there's a number of likephysical attributes that are
(17:42):
just different.
And beyond that, ourpersonalities have some
differences as well.
So, yeah, I almost felt uh Idon't know, like spiritually, I
was like, there's a good chancewe're not connected.
And I was okay with that.
What I wasn't quite prepared forwhen my results came back was
(18:03):
seeing what my ancestrycomposition actually consisted
of, and then checking out thefamily tree.
I grew up thinking I was halfIrish, a quarter Italian, a
quarter German.
I get the results back, and atthe very top it says I'm almost
50% Ashkenazi Jewish, whichright away I was like, what?
Didn't see that one coming atall.
And then I very quickly thoughtback on my childhood and was
(18:28):
like, I'm the only one in myfamily that went to a lot of bar
and bot mitzvahs.
Many of my friends growing upwere Jewish.
My brother and my youngersibling, you know, that wasn't
really the case.
Even my parents, it wasn'treally the case.
And we grew up in a town thathad, you know, a decent amount
of Jewish families.
And I just was kind offascinated by that.
(18:49):
That like even unknowingly, Istill was connected to people
who shared the same ancestry asme.
SPEAKER_01 (19:00):
That's why we talk about nature and nurture a lot
on the show.
That is really, reallyinteresting.
I don't think I've ever heardanybody say that quite like that
before.
And I mean, I knew what you weregoing to say before you even
said what your results are gonnabe just because it's so common.
We've got so many of our guestshave no idea of their Jewish
heritage until they've taken thetest.
SPEAKER_00 (19:19):
Yeah, so that was quite the surprise for me.
But then, even more surprisingwas shifting over to the family
tree.
And the first thing I saw wasbecause my brother had taken the
test already, I saw his name onthere and it said half brother
underneath.
And I thought, that doesn't feelright.
Like, what is that all about?
(19:40):
But then I looked at thepaternal side and I forget
exactly how many people showedup, but ultimately I'd come to
find out that there's 13additional half siblings, so 14
in total, including me, that Ihad never known about before.
And yeah, just seeing that manynames and that I Was so closely
(20:00):
connected to them, like justpercentage-wise with my DNA, I
just kind of froze.
Like, I wasn't it didn't Iwasn't bothered by it, but I was
just like, whoa, this changeseverything.
I have a lot of decisions to sitwith and figure out, like, okay,
how is this gonna factor into mylife or not factor into my life?
(20:26):
Uh that morning when I got theresults back, I had to go to
work to my day job, whichthankfully was remote at the
time.
So I went to the coffee shopthat was nearby and sat down and
tried to work, but that wasn'thappening.
Within an hour, I got a messagefrom a half-sister on 23andMe in
a very gentle way.
(20:47):
She kind of explained, like,hey, I'm not sure if you were
aware of any of this informationbefore today, but if and when
you want to know more, I canshare more with you.
So I try tried to mentallyprepare myself for as much of
this as I could.
And in that moment, I yeah, Imean, you can't, but like, you
know, you try your best.
(21:07):
And right away I wrote back andit was like, send me everything
you got.
Like, I'm ready for it.
And uh that she did.
She sent me two emails.
The first one was kind ofcorrespondence between her and
one of the half-brothers, andsort of outlined all the
detective work that went intouncovering the identity of the
(21:28):
donor.
The second email was basically acopy of an email from the donor
because one of the half-sistershad decided, you know what, I'm
gonna reach out and try to getwhatever information I can.
Somehow she dug up his email.
I think she I don't know how sheguessed it correctly, but she
did.
And uh the donor wrote back andbasically gave us all of the
(21:51):
pertinent information about youknow his parents, his
grandparents, where they camefrom, any medical history that
he felt was relevant.
And that was the gist of it.
He did kind of express like henever expected someone like this
half-sister to reach out, butwith the advancements of
(22:12):
technology, he accepts that youknow this is where we're at now.
And then he did at the end kindof request or at least state
that he didn't really have anyinterest in fostering any
relationships with anydonor-conceived people that came
from him.
But if and when there are morepeople that join our
(22:34):
half-sibling group, he basicallygave us his blessing and
permission to share thisinformation with them and their
respective families.
Did he share any informationabout what the circumstances
were around him donating?
He did not, but we were able togather that he was doing his
medical practice at the hospitalwhere all of us were born.
(22:56):
So I don't think it's uncommonto find med students who end up
being the ones that aredonating.
And in my case, that's how itturned out.
SPEAKER_01 (23:08):
Did you end up going to one of your half-siblin's bar
bot mitzflip?
Bet you know.
SPEAKER_00 (23:15):
I think it's safe to say I did not.
However, now that I've kind ofestablished relationships with a
few of them, we have kind ofdiscussed like where could we
have crossed paths growing up.
One of the half-brothersliterally lives streets away
from where my parents now livein the town I grew up.
So I'm sure we had crossed pathsat some point.
(23:39):
I know for a fact that onehalf-sister and half-brother,
they used to go to the same likepublic swimming pool as kids.
So like they're probably runningaround not knowing that they're
related to each other.
And yeah, I mean, for all of usto come from the same hospital
and to grow up in Long Island,you know, Long Island's there's
(24:00):
a lot of people that live here,but like there's a lot of
chances for people to to crosspaths too.
So I'm sure it happened a numberof times growing up.
SPEAKER_01 (24:12):
I mean, we're definitely hearing about,
especially when it's happeningin the same region of half
siblings dating and Mets, youknow, and beyond.
SPEAKER_00 (24:19):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the really scary and sadpart about the situation we find
ourselves in is the fact thatthere's a greater than zero
percent chance of things likethat legitimately happening is
so wrong, it's almost hard tofathom that there hasn't been
more progress and movement inthe right direction.
(24:42):
There's no excuse for somethinglike that happening.
Other than just writing greedyand wanting money, like you
said, like it's allprofit-driven.
SPEAKER_01 (24:50):
Sure, sure.
And I could totally understandsomebody wanting to maintain
their anonymity too, because youknow if they conceive children
with their half sibling orsomething like that, like that's
not something that you just talkabout casually.
Right.
So but yeah, I mean, I thinkit's gonna take those types of
stories and legislation tochange.
SPEAKER_00 (25:09):
Totally.
SPEAKER_01 (25:10):
You know, Nick, you may not know the answer to this,
but I mean, the chances of thedonor, you know, starting his
own family and having childrenis pretty strong.
And, you know, it's prettycommon for people to take these
tests now.
So there's, you know, like someof these half siblings might
actually be from the you know,the donor and his wife.
SPEAKER_00 (25:28):
Right.
Which is the case in mysituation.
There are there are two.
So of the 14 that I mentioned,two of them were raised by the
donor.
And the big question that I andthe donor-conceived
half-siblings have is are theyeven aware of our existence?
Because we're not connected tothem on any of the DNA sites, we
(25:51):
haven't had any correspondencewith them.
So my gut says that the donor,the donor's immediate family
likely is aware of all of this,but we don't have any proof of
that.
And if for some reason theydon't know about all of this,
it's another instance of likesuppressing very real and
(26:18):
relevant information, and thechances of that information
coming to light and being a bombthat's dropped, basically, as
opposed to something that youhave, you know, a mindful
discussion around.
It just feels risky to tell thepeople you're closest to.
SPEAKER_01 (26:34):
Right.
Yeah, and if he goes and says,like, like, don't ever take an
ancestry test, what's the firstthing you're gonna do is take an
ancestry test to find out whyhis dad is not wanting to take
one.
At least that's what I would do.
SPEAKER_00 (26:47):
Yeah.
I've thought about all the insand outs of all of this, and I
forget if I mentioned, Iactually I ended up writing a
book about my story, and part ofwhat I speculate on is like, if
I'm one of those two kids thatthe donor raised himself, and I
knew that I had other halfsiblings out there, wouldn't I
(27:09):
want to have direct access tothat information myself via a
DNA test rather than having torely on, in my donor's case, an
extended family member who isthe one that happens to be
connected to us on 23andMe.
To me, like if I were in theirshoes, the donor's children's
(27:32):
shoes, I would want to take atest.
So, like, I'm not relying onanyone else for this info.
And to date, we're not connectedto any of them.
So.
SPEAKER_01 (27:43):
Okay, we're gonna wrap up part one of Nick's story
right here.
So far, we've got a birthday DNAtest, two terrified parents, and
a revelation that changedeverything.
Not just for Nick, but foreveryone connected to him.
And those connections, oh,they're coming fast.
14 half siblings, two raised bythe donor himself, and a family
tree that started to look morelike a spiderweb.
(28:05):
In part two, Nick digs into whathappens next.
The messages that startedlanding in his inbox, the email
from the donor that was equalparts informative and also ice
cold, and how he's building realrelationships with some of his
new siblings.
It's gonna be emotional andcomplicated, and another
reminder that the truth doesn'tjust change your story, it
(28:25):
expands it.
It's gonna be a scorcher.
And remember, Family Secrets arethe ultimate pop twist.
The Family Twist podcast ispresented by Snap Watchfair
Marketing Communications andproduced by How the Cow Eat the
Cabbage LLC.
Hey there and welcome back to Family Twist.
I'm Cory, and today's storystarts with a birthday gift that
came with a really big surprise.
Nick turned 36, and his siblingsdecided to give him one of those
23andMe DNA kits.
You know the kind that'ssupposed to tell you that you're
3% Viking or related to somebodywho maybe once waved at George
Washington.
(00:21):
Instead, he told Nick somethinghis parents had kept secret his
entire life.
That he's donor-conceived.
Now, his two younger siblings.
Same parents, same household,aren't donor-conceived.
But there's a twist there aswell.
Nick's parents carried theirsecret for decades, convinced by
doctors back in the 80s that noone would ever find out, or need
(00:42):
to find out.
So when they finally told him,they expected anger, confusion,
and maybe even rejection.
But Nick surprised them.
He stayed calm, he led withempathy.
In the first part of Nick'sstory, he walks us through that
moment.
What it's like to have the truthland like a meteor in the middle
of your life, and how he managedto turn shocking into
(01:03):
understanding.
We'll talk sperm washing, spermmixing, and the unregulated
chaos that was the fertilityindustry back then.
And, spoiler alert, still thatway.
So just wait to hear what hisDNA results uncovered, because
14 half siblings later, the plotis just starting to thicken.
Okay, let's talk to Nick.
(01:31):
Hey Nick, welcome to the FamilyTwist Podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (01:33):
Thank you guys for having me.
Nice meeting you both.
SPEAKER_01 (01:36):
Thank you.
Nice to meet you as well, yeah.
So we mentioned to you before westarted recording that Kendall
and I don't like to know toomuch about someone's story
before we do these interviews.
It's just we found out kind ofthe hard way that's like if we
know too much, it's just thereal factor isn't there.
So I mean, we know a little bitabout you, but you discovered
you were donor-conceived at 36.
(01:57):
Is that correct?
SPEAKER_00 (01:58):
That's correct.
Yeah.
So I'm 38 now.
So this was a little over twoand a half years ago.
And you know, like many otherdonor-conceived people, it it
was the shock of my life.
I did not see it comingwhatsoever.
And the way this all kind ofcame about was it was my 36th
birthday, and my two youngersiblings got me a 23ME testing
(02:22):
kit as a gift.
And I had, I guess, expressedlight interest in like
understanding my ancestry, youknow, years before getting this
as a gift.
I never was like, oh, I gottaknow more about you know where I
come from and all that.
But it had been brought up, youknow, a couple times, and I had
(02:43):
said, yeah, that would be kindof cool.
So at this point in my life, mytwo younger siblings take it
upon themselves to get this forme.
And when they do, they let Ithink it was my brother who let
my mom know that they wereplanning to give this to me.
And in that moment, she justfroze.
My brother kind of recalls heralmost like going white, like
(03:07):
turning into a ghost almost.
My parents, I guess, behind thescenes discussed what was about
to happen and that I was goingto get this gift, and said, you
know what?
Before Nick received this, wehave to talk to him.
We have to sit him down.
This actually applied to mybrother as well, because he was
(03:27):
conceived in the same fashion.
So, which back in the late 80s,the way that this all went down
was through sperm washing andthen sperm mixing.
So, because of that mixingfactor, I guess my parents had
convinced themselves that therewas the possibility that both I
(03:48):
and my brother could beconnected to our dad who raised
us.
Jumping ahead a little bit, itturns out my brother is actually
biologically connected to ourdad.
So I think he sort of defied theodds in some ways.
But needless to say, theconversations were had with both
me and my brother separatelywith our parents.
(04:10):
And the way they kind ofexpressed this was like I just
said, they said there's apossibility.
And my first thought when I gotthis news from my parents, and I
could see the fear in them as wewere having this conversation
because they had no idea how itwas going to react.
Was first off, this doesn'tchange anything in terms of our
(04:35):
relationship.
Obviously, there's potential forit to change how I'm connected
biologically or not connected,but then I thought, how do you
guys feel?
For some reason, I put the focuson them because I knew that at
36 years old, they had beencarrying this for my entire
(04:55):
life.
Knowing that I think a lot ofdonor-conceived people, their
parents know for sure that thechild is donor-conceived.
In my parents' case, they heldout hope.
But they were still carryingthis nonetheless and suppressing
a very huge piece of informationfor my entire life.
(05:16):
And I think after they saw that,you know, they had just dropped
this bomb.
And even in the earliestmoments, despite being extremely
confused, I was still acceptingof what they were telling me.
I could see just how much reliefthat provided them to know that
(05:38):
I didn't storm out or anything.
I didn't throw a hissy fit, andis for many don't or conceive
people, but for me, I didn'treally feel I didn't feel anger.
And I'm still trying to figureout like exactly why that wasn't
present.
I've kind of come up with someanswers to that.
A lot of it has to do with theway I was raised.
My parents, you know, they havea very loving marriage, they're
(06:01):
still married today.
You know, I really respected andadmired the way they parented,
both me and my two siblings.
And that kind of outweighed anypotential negatively charged
emotions that I could have felt.
So, yeah, it was this heavyconversation that we had.
(06:23):
And afterwards, I remember goingupstairs and calling my brother.
He had a similar conversationwith my parents and just
checking in with him and saying,like, hey, are you okay?
Like, this is pretty crazy.
Just, you know, asking how hewas feeling.
And I don't really recallexactly much of that
conversation because it was thiswas right after the news had
(06:46):
been dropped on us.
So like it's quite blurry in mymemory to think back on like
what we actually said.
But it was just the two of uskind of checking in and and
figuring out, all right, we'reokay, but like, what does the
path forward look like now?
Because we still hadn't takenthe tests.
So part of it was almost likeanswering that question, like,
(07:10):
do we take the test?
And I remember the next morningjust so clearly being like, Of
course I'm taking the test.
Like, I have to know all of theinformation I can get my hands
on.
And my brother, for mostly formedical reasons, because he had
had a newborn at that time, wasvery clearly leaning towards
(07:31):
taking the test.
But I remember discussing withmy parents like my decision and
that I needed to know know theresults.
And my mom, she kind of was inthe position of like, well, the
cat's out of the bag now.
Like, what are we just gonnapretend like this isn't real?
(07:52):
Like, do what you gotta do.
My dad, on the other hand,expressed that he didn't feel he
even needed to know the results,almost saying, if you take the
test, like don't tell me.
And I thought, yeah, and Ithought, I am taking the test, I
am getting these answers, andthere's no way I can keep that
(08:15):
from you.
Like part of how we got here isthat there was this truth in the
air that was never revealed, andif I get more answers towards
what the truth actually is, likeI'm not gonna follow that same
path of just like suppressing itand keeping it on the inside,
like we're gonna talk about it.
(08:38):
Yeah, I mean, that was a veryclear path forward for me.
Like, I knew like this is mystory now, and not that I want
to dictate how it goes forward,but like the ball's in my hands
now, essentially, and we caneither figure out how to move
(08:59):
forward together, or I'm gonnado it on my own.
And thankfully, it wasn't theeasiest path towards getting to
the point we're at now wherewe're all completely open about
it, but little by little, thatwas the only way.
And my dad's initial resistance,I think was based on the
(09:23):
unknowing of when these resultscome back, if we are indeed not
biologically connected, is thatgoing to have a negative impact
on our relationship?
And I think he had a lot of feararound that.
And the reality was when theresults came back, and I find
out I'm donor-conceived, itactually strengthened our
(09:45):
relationship because I becamemore grateful for the sacrifices
and the selflessness that thiswhole process when I was being
conceived came with.
SPEAKER_01 (09:59):
Before we dig into the results, just for some
context, because you mentionedone of your siblings also went
through the similar process.
Is it your youngest sibling beenwas the youngest sibling
conceived the old-fashioned way?
SPEAKER_00 (10:12):
So I have a younger brother, he's the one that was
conceived in the same fashion Iwas, and then I have a younger
biological sister, they'renon-binary, but they were
conceived naturally.
SPEAKER_01 (10:26):
Um in that conversation with your parents,
did they explain thecircumstances as to why they
would even have to go thepotential for doing conception?
SPEAKER_00 (10:37):
Yeah, and more of that came to light as time went
on.
But I had always known that ithad taken a while for my parents
to conceive.
Like they were, you know, itwasn't something they talked
about, but there were mentionsof that growing up, that like it
took them six or seven years.
I'd later come to find out thatthey were considering adoption
(10:59):
at one point.
They explored adopting a childfrom South Korea, but like that
didn't quite work with my dad'swork schedule.
The only answer in the end forthem was donor conception.
So they wanted to have a childso badly but couldn't do it
naturally.
That's ultimately what theysettled on.
(11:21):
Which, yeah, I mean, I knowthrough talking to other
donor-conceived people thatthere's a lot of flaws and you
know, just the unregulatedindustry that we come from
really creates an environmentwhere we don't really have
justice and like have access toall the information that I think
(11:43):
we rightly deserve.
So, you know, there's a lot ofthings that could be said in
terms of like parents back thensort of ignoring or not being
mindful of the struggle thatcould come from this.
But right, this is what myparents chose.
And I'm thankful.
I'm thank it's why I'm here, andI choose to see the positives in
(12:05):
it despite knowing how, youknow, for lack of a better
phrase, like messed up the wholefertility industry is.
SPEAKER_01 (12:15):
Right.
And and we totally understandthe mindset of people who are
like, you know, desperate tohave a child, and and there's
you know, they can't do it theold-fashioned way.
And you know, it's kind of likeyou're wearing horse flyers at
that point.
You're not really not thinkingabout like medical history and
all this stuff, you're justthinking about, you know, we
want to have a baby.
Yeah.
And, you know, we st uh it's notcommon knowledge that the
(12:38):
fertility industry is so messedup.
You know, it's starting to cometo light a little bit, that
legislation is slowly startingto happen.
But it's, you know, most peoplehad don't have any idea.
They just think like, oh, okay,well, great.
That was a baby.
I don't think we've ever reallytouched on, and Kemble, correct
me if I'm wrong, on spermwashing slash sperm mixing.
(12:58):
Can you just kind of talk alittle bit about the process and
and how it was explained to yourparents?
SPEAKER_00 (13:03):
Yeah, so sperm washing, and again, I am just
going based off of what myparents said and the little bit
of Googling that I didafterwards.
Sperm washing, I suppose if it'seven a process still done today,
I don't know, would extract thestrongest sperm from my dad.
And then the sperm mixing aspectis taking those stronger sperm
(13:23):
and blending them together withdonor sperm.
So it gives the parents, again,the hope, but in my brother's
case, the reality that the childcan still be related
biologically to the father.
SPEAKER_01 (13:38):
Yeah, we're definitely gonna have to do some
research.
I'm just kind of curious aboutstatistics as to how how
frequently, you know.
That's such a that's just such abizarre thing to think about.
Like, all right, let's mix yourstrongest sperm with this guy's
strongest for C Fly.
SPEAKER_00 (13:52):
Right, right.
Yeah.
So that's the process that myparents opted for.
And I think one of the biggestthings that I wanted to figure
out through all of this was, andagain, many DCPs can relate to
this, is why didn't my parentstell me?
And a big part of why I'veaccepted the fact that they
(14:17):
didn't tell me was becausedoctors, people who, you know,
back in the day, you would trustpretty much anything a doctor
said.
I think we have lost that alittle bit these days.
But back then, if a doctor toldyou you never have to worry
about this, like don't sayanything, there's no way that
(14:37):
this can be uncovered, chancesare the parents are going to
listen to that.
And it was really only untilthese DNA testing companies were
starting to become moreprevalent that my parents
started having conversationswith each other, saying, wait a
minute, like there may come aday where we need to address
(15:01):
this.
If a doctor you know, doctorstold my parents don't say
anything, and they took thatadvice.
And it I think it's unfair tojudge decisions from the past
with the information that wehave today.
SPEAKER_01 (15:17):
So Absolutely, yeah.
No, we're not we don't want tocast blame on on parents at all,
you know, in these types ofcircumstances now.
Um the people in the industry,on the other hand, I mean they
knew that some of the stuff theywere doing was probably not very
cool.
unknown (15:33):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (15:34):
Uh, what's the age difference between you and your
brother?
I am two years and two monthsolder than him.
You know, did they use the samedonor with him?
I actually don't know.
I think the answer is no, butI'm not sure.
I'm not positive.
SPEAKER_01 (15:50):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (15:50):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (15:51):
I'm just curious, and yeah, you would have been
too young probably to be evenasking questions and stuff, like
if they were going to back tothe same clinic or whatever, you
know, you're just a little noteven too.
SPEAKER_00 (16:01):
Yeah.
But no, that's a really fairquestion that actually I think
I'm gonna ask my parents thisnow because I talk to a lot of
people who, you know, theirparents felt it was important
that they use the same donor formultiple children that they
have, just so there's thatcommonality.
And yeah, I never thought ofthat.
I gotta ask my parents that now.
unknown (16:23):
Okay.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (16:24):
And the stories we've heard about them nickel
and diming people too, like, oh,well, this is an add-on if you
want to know this.
It's like, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00 (16:30):
It's just it seems cruel to me.
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of likelate-stage capitalism at its
grossest.
SPEAKER_01 (16:36):
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00 (16:37):
You take the test, and your brother, did he take a
test as well?
He took the test about a week inadvance of me.
So he gets his results back, andthey end up being somewhat
inconclusive, which prompted himto take a direct one-on-one
paternity test with our dad,which then showed that they are
biologically connected.
(16:58):
My test came through about aweek later, and during the lead
up time to getting the results,you know, my brother and I are
having conversations almost on adaily basis.
I'm talking to my parents prettyregularly about all of this,
like really trying to establishthat like being open no matter
what is the way to go.
(17:20):
And I had sort of settled on thelikelihood that my dad and I
were not biologically connected.
And really the main reason forthat is physically we don't look
much alike.
I mean, you guys can see I havea pretty thick beard and dark
hair.
My dad is blonde hair, blueeyes, can't really grow a beard.
Yeah, there's a number of likephysical attributes that are
(17:42):
just different.
And beyond that, ourpersonalities have some
differences as well.
So, yeah, I almost felt uh Idon't know, like spiritually, I
was like, there's a good chancewe're not connected.
And I was okay with that.
What I wasn't quite prepared forwhen my results came back was
(18:03):
seeing what my ancestrycomposition actually consisted
of, and then checking out thefamily tree.
I grew up thinking I was halfIrish, a quarter Italian, a
quarter German.
I get the results back, and atthe very top it says I'm almost
50% Ashkenazi Jewish, whichright away I was like, what?
Didn't see that one coming atall.
And then I very quickly thoughtback on my childhood and was
(18:28):
like, I'm the only one in myfamily that went to a lot of bar
and bot mitzvahs.
Many of my friends growing upwere Jewish.
My brother and my youngersibling, you know, that wasn't
really the case.
Even my parents, it wasn'treally the case.
And we grew up in a town thathad, you know, a decent amount
of Jewish families.
And I just was kind offascinated by that.
(18:49):
That like even unknowingly, Istill was connected to people
who shared the same ancestry asme.
SPEAKER_01 (19:00):
That's why we talk about nature and nurture a lot
on the show.
That is really, reallyinteresting.
I don't think I've ever heardanybody say that quite like that
before.
And I mean, I knew what you weregoing to say before you even
said what your results are gonnabe just because it's so common.
We've got so many of our guestshave no idea of their Jewish
heritage until they've taken thetest.
SPEAKER_00 (19:19):
Yeah, so that was quite the surprise for me.
But then, even more surprisingwas shifting over to the family
tree.
And the first thing I saw wasbecause my brother had taken the
test already, I saw his name onthere and it said half brother
underneath.
And I thought, that doesn't feelright.
Like, what is that all about?
(19:40):
But then I looked at thepaternal side and I forget
exactly how many people showedup, but ultimately I'd come to
find out that there's 13additional half siblings, so 14
in total, including me, that Ihad never known about before.
And yeah, just seeing that manynames and that I Was so closely
(20:00):
connected to them, like justpercentage-wise with my DNA, I
just kind of froze.
Like, I wasn't it didn't Iwasn't bothered by it, but I was
just like, whoa, this changeseverything.
I have a lot of decisions to sitwith and figure out, like, okay,
how is this gonna factor into mylife or not factor into my life?
(20:26):
Uh that morning when I got theresults back, I had to go to
work to my day job, whichthankfully was remote at the
time.
So I went to the coffee shopthat was nearby and sat down and
tried to work, but that wasn'thappening.
Within an hour, I got a messagefrom a half-sister on 23andMe in
a very gentle way.
(20:47):
She kind of explained, like,hey, I'm not sure if you were
aware of any of this informationbefore today, but if and when
you want to know more, I canshare more with you.
So I try tried to mentallyprepare myself for as much of
this as I could.
And in that moment, I yeah, Imean, you can't, but like, you
know, you try your best.
(21:07):
And right away I wrote back andit was like, send me everything
you got.
Like, I'm ready for it.
And uh that she did.
She sent me two emails.
The first one was kind ofcorrespondence between her and
one of the half-brothers, andsort of outlined all the
detective work that went intouncovering the identity of the
(21:28):
donor.
The second email was basically acopy of an email from the donor
because one of the half-sistershad decided, you know what, I'm
gonna reach out and try to getwhatever information I can.
Somehow she dug up his email.
I think she I don't know how sheguessed it correctly, but she
did.
And uh the donor wrote back andbasically gave us all of the
(21:51):
pertinent information about youknow his parents, his
grandparents, where they camefrom, any medical history that
he felt was relevant.
And that was the gist of it.
He did kind of express like henever expected someone like this
half-sister to reach out, butwith the advancements of
(22:12):
technology, he accepts that youknow this is where we're at now.
And then he did at the end kindof request or at least state
that he didn't really have anyinterest in fostering any
relationships with anydonor-conceived people that came
from him.
But if and when there are morepeople that join our
(22:34):
half-sibling group, he basicallygave us his blessing and
permission to share thisinformation with them and their
respective families.
Did he share any informationabout what the circumstances
were around him donating?
He did not, but we were able togather that he was doing his
medical practice at the hospitalwhere all of us were born.
(22:56):
So I don't think it's uncommonto find med students who end up
being the ones that aredonating.
And in my case, that's how itturned out.
SPEAKER_01 (23:08):
Did you end up going to one of your half-siblin's bar
bot mitzflip?
Bet you know.
SPEAKER_00 (23:15):
I think it's safe to say I did not.
However, now that I've kind ofestablished relationships with a
few of them, we have kind ofdiscussed like where could we
have crossed paths growing up.
One of the half-brothersliterally lives streets away
from where my parents now livein the town I grew up.
So I'm sure we had crossed pathsat some point.
(23:39):
I know for a fact that onehalf-sister and half-brother,
they used to go to the same likepublic swimming pool as kids.
So like they're probably runningaround not knowing that they're
related to each other.
And yeah, I mean, for all of usto come from the same hospital
and to grow up in Long Island,you know, Long Island's there's
(24:00):
a lot of people that live here,but like there's a lot of
chances for people to to crosspaths too.
So I'm sure it happened a numberof times growing up.
SPEAKER_01 (24:12):
I mean, we're definitely hearing about,
especially when it's happeningin the same region of half
siblings dating and Mets, youknow, and beyond.
SPEAKER_00 (24:19):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the really scary and sadpart about the situation we find
ourselves in is the fact thatthere's a greater than zero
percent chance of things likethat legitimately happening is
so wrong, it's almost hard tofathom that there hasn't been
more progress and movement inthe right direction.
(24:42):
There's no excuse for somethinglike that happening.
Other than just writing greedyand wanting money, like you
said, like it's allprofit-driven.
SPEAKER_01 (24:50):
Sure, sure.
And I could totally understandsomebody wanting to maintain
their anonymity too, because youknow if they conceive children
with their half sibling orsomething like that, like that's
not something that you just talkabout casually.
Right.
So but yeah, I mean, I thinkit's gonna take those types of
stories and legislation tochange.
SPEAKER_00 (25:09):
Totally.
SPEAKER_01 (25:10):
You know, Nick, you may not know the answer to this,
but I mean, the chances of thedonor, you know, starting his
own family and having childrenis pretty strong.
And, you know, it's prettycommon for people to take these
tests now.
So there's, you know, like someof these half siblings might
actually be from the you know,the donor and his wife.
SPEAKER_00 (25:28):
Right.
Which is the case in mysituation.
There are there are two.
So of the 14 that I mentioned,two of them were raised by the
donor.
And the big question that I andthe donor-conceived
half-siblings have is are theyeven aware of our existence?
Because we're not connected tothem on any of the DNA sites, we
(25:51):
haven't had any correspondencewith them.
So my gut says that the donor,the donor's immediate family
likely is aware of all of this,but we don't have any proof of
that.
And if for some reason theydon't know about all of this,
it's another instance of likesuppressing very real and
(26:18):
relevant information, and thechances of that information
coming to light and being a bombthat's dropped, basically, as
opposed to something that youhave, you know, a mindful
discussion around.
It just feels risky to tell thepeople you're closest to.
SPEAKER_01 (26:34):
Right.
Yeah, and if he goes and says,like, like, don't ever take an
ancestry test, what's the firstthing you're gonna do is take an
ancestry test to find out whyhis dad is not wanting to take
one.
At least that's what I would do.
SPEAKER_00 (26:47):
Yeah.
I've thought about all the insand outs of all of this, and I
forget if I mentioned, Iactually I ended up writing a
book about my story, and part ofwhat I speculate on is like, if
I'm one of those two kids thatthe donor raised himself, and I
knew that I had other halfsiblings out there, wouldn't I
(27:09):
want to have direct access tothat information myself via a
DNA test rather than having torely on, in my donor's case, an
extended family member who isthe one that happens to be
connected to us on 23andMe.
To me, like if I were in theirshoes, the donor's children's
(27:32):
shoes, I would want to take atest.
So, like, I'm not relying onanyone else for this info.
And to date, we're not connectedto any of them.
So.
SPEAKER_01 (27:43):
Okay, we're gonna wrap up part one of Nick's story
right here.
So far, we've got a birthday DNAtest, two terrified parents, and
a revelation that changedeverything.
Not just for Nick, but foreveryone connected to him.
And those connections, oh,they're coming fast.
14 half siblings, two raised bythe donor himself, and a family
tree that started to look morelike a spiderweb.
(28:05):
In part two, Nick digs into whathappens next.
The messages that startedlanding in his inbox, the email
from the donor that was equalparts informative and also ice
cold, and how he's building realrelationships with some of his
new siblings.
It's gonna be emotional andcomplicated, and another
reminder that the truth doesn'tjust change your story, it
(28:25):
expands it.
It's gonna be a scorcher.
And remember, Family Secrets arethe ultimate pop twist.
The Family Twist podcast ispresented by Snap Watchfair
Marketing Communications andproduced by How the Cow Eat the
Cabbage LLC.
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