When Hurt Runs Deep: Healing a Divided Family

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What is the best way to heal a family when offense has occurred and the family is split?

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_02 (00:00):
Hello everyone and welcome to Famology.
We're John and Amy Clausenanswering your questions about
family, marriage, parenting, andhaving a really good time doing
it.
So thank you for tuning in.
Merry Christmas and Happy NewYear's to all of you during the
season.

(00:21):
We had a very, very cold, bigcold snap here in Minnesota and
it's slowly warming up.
But our studio is a little cool.
Yeah.
So if we do this a little bit.
We're a little freezing.
We have the space heater on andwe're gonna be fine.

SPEAKER_01 (00:34):
I told myself to bring a blanket and I forgot the
blanket.

SPEAKER_02 (00:38):
So we're gonna be good.
We're gonna be good.
But we are certainly enjoying uhour time together with you and
uh and ask you to give yourfeedback, uh things that you
would like to uh hear spokenabout, um connecting with us,
answering questions, um insightthat you might have on some
things that we're talking aboutas well.
Um so we'd like to get to hearfrom you.

SPEAKER_01 (00:59):
I know after one of our questions, I can't now I'm
not gonna remember which one itwas.
Um, my mom, who is an avidlistener and I would say maybe
our biggest fan.
Yeah, can you imagine?
But she had some great thingsthat she um added on to either
our YouTube video or somethingbecause she was giving me uh her
other addendums, and I'm like,mom, you should write those on

(01:21):
there because there's just lotsof wisdom in the kingdom of God.

SPEAKER_02 (01:24):
And we should share it.

SPEAKER_01 (01:25):
Yep, we should share it.

SPEAKER_02 (01:26):
So, speaking of that, uh let's get into our
question of the day.
And it is what is the best wayto heal a family when offense
has occurred and the family issplit?
So that's a hard question, a sadquestion for sure, uh, but a
really, really importantquestion.

SPEAKER_01 (01:42):
Yeah, yeah, it is.
And one and one that has so manynuances to it because family
split can mean you know,generational things that it's
just broken open or somethingthat an offense has taken place
and it's easily mended.
Yeah, so it feels like therecould be um layers of answers to

(02:05):
this question.

SPEAKER_02 (02:06):
Well, and I think the first most important answer
that I can give is that it'sworth it.
Because the cultures today istelling us, well, just find
another family.
Yeah.
Somebody else can just be yourfamily or fill that void.
Um, and and we know that familyhurts and can be painful.
Um, but in a lot of ways, it'sbecause of the emotion that's
connected to the depth ofrelationship that's found in

(02:27):
family, uh, sometimes createsome of that pain and hurt.
Um, and so it's a byproduct ofthe importance that's there.
And so my my first answer tothis question is it's worth it.
And so the heart of thisquestion is how do we fix it?
What's what's how how do youtackle that offense?
And my first response is is justbe intentional to do it because
it is worth it, even though itcan be certainly painful.

(02:50):
Um, I just wrote down that theimportance determines the level
of intentionality.
The more important something is,the more intentional we are
about it.
That's just true, whether it'sour car or our job or
relationships.
Well, the most important thingis sitting right next to me.
My wife, she's the mostimportant thing.
So that requires the my highestdegree of intentionality in that
relationship.

(03:11):
And so that's true with family,with other relationships, and we
can go right down the line.
Um, and so so it's worth it.
And so that's my first messageto those of you who are
listening because you mightthink, well, my family is so far
gone, it's just not worth itanymore.
There's too much pain.
Every time we're together, itjust ends in a fight, and so I'm
just I'm just done.

(03:32):
And people have that responseand they look to other
relationships to try to fillthat need.
Um, but that's not how it'ssupposed to work.

SPEAKER_01 (03:38):
No, and I think when there is conflict and uh
offense, so there's no way foruh for relationships to be split
without offense having takenplace.
Yes, and I don't know if youguys are at all like me, but
sometimes when there isconflict, I see things very

(04:00):
clearly from my own perspective.
And I can um create reasons whyI am correct in any certain
conflict because I understand mypoint of view and I have what I
feel is 100% clarity into uh therationale for why I've responded

(04:20):
the way I've responded.
And in fact, last week Johnnyand I were in the middle of a
conflict.
Imagine that.
And the Holy Spirit kind ofstopped me.
I was literally just walkingdown the stairs, and he's like,
is it possible that you're notseeing things as clearly as you
think you're seeing them?
And I was like, um, what do youmean by that?

(04:40):
And so I think when there'soffense, number one, there's
only one part of the offense orrelational discord that you can
take care of.
And that's the part that youown.
And part of that means that wehave to be humble and be willing
to admit the possibility thatwe're wrong, and all of our

(05:01):
justifications around ouremotions could also be wrong.

SPEAKER_02 (05:06):
Well, and it's so great that they use the word
offense because it's so often,in our experience, not the issue
of the conversation, it's theoffense that's taken from the
conversation that reallydestroys relationships and
families.
And so the word offense is theright word.
And offense isn't somethingthat's given, offense is
something that's taken.
We take offense.

(05:27):
Yeah, and so it's an actualchoice.
And so sometimes that'ssometimes that's hard to hear
when we feel like we've beentreated unfairly.
Yeah.
Um, and uh, and so uh the theword is the the the Greek word
is scandalon.
My my children roll their eyeswhen I start to teach, but I
can't sometimes I can't help it.
The Greek word is the wordscandalon, and and it it it's
the word we get scandal or toscandalize.

(05:49):
That's the word offense.
I mean, that's how serious itis.
Um, but if you look it up, it'sactually a box and stick trap.
And so the offended person isthe one that gets trapped, not
the one who's the offender, it'sthe one who's offended.
And so the problem in familiesis that we're all living in
these boxes, yeah, all offendedat each other, and we're all
trapped.
And so the the answer, the thequestion is how do we fix that?

(06:10):
Well, it's not taking the bait.
Yeah, and so the enemy wants usto live an offense, it's his
number one tool to try to keepus separated and to try to
destroy relationships, and we'veseen it over and over again.
That's why we're doing a podcastabout family, is because we've
seen it in marriages andrelationships with children and
grandparents, um, these offensesthat are there, and it has

(06:32):
actually destroyed marriages anddestroyed families.
That's what this is about.
And so we have to not take thebait.

SPEAKER_01 (06:38):
Yeah, that's the key.

SPEAKER_02 (06:40):
That's good because the enemy wants to come and he
sets a bait for us, he knowswhat offends us, he knows our
little triggers, yeah, and thenwe get trapped, you know.

SPEAKER_01 (06:48):
And sometimes I feel like we become offended at other
people's offense, you know.
So you head to a Christmasgathering and you're watching
for the relative, the sibling,whatever it is, to respond the
way you know they always do.
You're pre-offended, yes, andand you're watching for them to

(07:10):
be um short-tempered or remoteor to stand off ish because they
never want to really engage withthe family.
And then when you see theiroffense, you become offended at
it.
And so as we're heading intoChristmas gatherings next week,
I feel like this maybe is atimely question for this
listener to have asked becausewe're all heading into a high

(07:34):
intensity family get togetherseason.

SPEAKER_02 (07:37):
Yeah.
And we've mentioned before, butwe don't we don't share our
answers beforehand.
Um, but I think I think you,sweetheart, just hit the nail on
the head uh in the fact thatit's it's it's this the the
feeling that it's well only whatwe can control.
Because as soon as you feel likeyou're gonna be the Holy Spirit
for somebody else, or you'regonna point out the fact that

(07:58):
they are they're the ones whoare always offended, or the look
on their face is is is hurtfulto me.
As soon as you try to correctthem, yeah, um, it never really
works.
It never ever works, actually.
We can't be the Holy Spirit forthem, and so you can only
control what you have, and andthat's what the enemy wants to
attack you at is that place ofoffense.
And so the answer is, of course,drum roll is forgiveness, and

(08:22):
forgiveness is such a bigpowerful word.
Um, but we have to pre-forgive.
Yeah, instead of beingpre-offended, we have to
pre-forgive, yeah.
Meaning that we're not going tobe offended, we're not going to
take the bait, and you don't oweme anything.
Yeah.
And that's a really hard placeto go.
But when we're heading into theholidays, isn't that the way we
want to walk through the door?

(08:43):
Yeah.
You don't owe me anything.
I'm not looking for the caseagainst you.
Um, so we're just going to setdown our swords.
It's it's the only way to reallybring real healing in family is
to not bring a sword to thefamily gathering.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (08:58):
You know, that's it's and not even have it in the
sheath.
Because sometimes we'll be like,okay, I'm not weaponizing.

SPEAKER_02 (09:06):
Yes, unless I need it.

SPEAKER_01 (09:07):
But I have it here if I need it.
You know, and we make thosecases where where we once again,
from our perspective, we justifyour responses.
And what the Lord's just askingus is that we have none.
That we just go with onefour-letter word, which is
L-O-V-E love.
Yeah.
And when we go with real, truelove, that agape love that has

(09:31):
no strings attached to it, thatis simply a gift given, then it
allows us to go into the holidayseason with relatives and family
members that we don't see veryoften and actually have it be a
delight.

SPEAKER_02 (09:46):
I think, and you know, we teach on this in our
classes too, but there's adifference between settling a
debt and forgiving a debt.
And I'm not going to go into thebig teaching of it all.
Although it's one of myfavorites.
It's a good one.
Um I believe if people can justget the notion that that we
don't wait until we settle thedebt, until you're sorry, yeah,
then I will forgive you, andthen everything will be fine.
Right.

(10:06):
If if everybody has the theunderstanding, the the wisdom to
know that forgiveness isdisconnected from that, we're
just simply supposed to forgive.
Um, if if we have everybody hasthe wisdom, I believe
relationships would be healedall over the place.
But instead, we retain that.
We retain the ledger of all thethings that you've said to me
over the past several months.
I've written them down in mybrain, right?

(10:27):
And I'm gonna pull them upwhenever I need them.
That's not forgiving.
That's that's not even settling.
That's just keeping a ledger ofdebt.
Keeping a record of it.
That's hardly forgiveness.
And if I just simply wait andsay, well, I'm just gonna wait
till Amy's really sorry.
And then once she's sorry, thenI'll forgive her.
That's not forgiveness either.
That's settling.
That's that's making sure shepays back what she owes me.

(10:47):
And so forgiveness is morepowerful than that, it's more
radical than that.
And I think it's what is isrequired for family healing.
And so I'm sorry if you'relistening to this and there's
been a lot of hurt, familyrelational hurt over the years.
Yeah, I my challenge to you isto forgive.

SPEAKER_01 (11:02):
Yeah, and whether they deserve it or not.
And realize that what has takensometimes years to develop in a
family is not gonna be usuallywithout the Holy Spirit just
coming in and you know, rapidlyjust doing his thing, which can
happen.
But most of the time it's gonnabe something that slowly gets

(11:24):
marinated over time.
And so, and you deciding thatyour family and the healing is
worth it and doing what you can,sometimes we devalue that and
say, Well, it's just not enough.
It's not enough for me just notto be angry.
But you have to keep in mindthat as you're heading into this
holiday and you're going armedwith love, pre-forgiveness, and

(11:48):
determined that you'reunoffendable, and you go into
your family gathering like that,even though everyone else may
still be armed, you are comingin with a different spirit.
And the spirit of God ispowerful.
And so it's contagious, even.
And so as you're heading intoyour family gatherings with the

(12:12):
contagious presence of God,knowing that everywhere your
feet tread, actually thingsbegin to change.
You're planting seeds thisChristmas for reconciliation and
restoration in your family.
Yes, and it's a big, mighty,powerful thing.

SPEAKER_02 (12:27):
Well, and it's interesting.
We said, you know, don't bring asword to the family gatherings.
Well, what is the sword?
The sword is our words, thethings that we say to each
other.
So, how about just just offer?
I'm gonna offer you just somereal practical things.
Start seeing the gold in peopleand calling it out.
So you walk through the door andsay, Man, your house is
beautiful.
Your house is always beautiful.
How do you do that?

(12:48):
And you start complimentingpeople, you start seeing, you
know, I love the way that yousmile at me.
I love, I love the way that youtake care of your children.
You're such a good parent.
You start saying things topeople and it diffuses things
because it's the spirit ofcompassion that enters the room.
And so our words carry life ordeath, the Bible says.
And so rather than continuing tolook for the the death and can't

(13:09):
wait till we get to say what wereally want to say, we actually
call out the gold in each other.
Um, the Bible also says that acalm response turns away wrath.
Yeah.
Um, so when we're calm and andsometimes, you know, the Holy
Spirit is good at what he does,which means that if there is
hurt in your relationship, he'sgonna bring it up.
Yeah, what a great time to justcalmly respond to it and say,

(13:30):
Yeah, I I realize that.
I I know that I've spokenwrongly too.
And all of a sudden things arecalm and things are getting
taken care of because that thatraw emotion isn't there, you're
not trapped in a box, right?
You're free to actually call outthe good in each other.
Yeah, and then I'll offer oneother four-letter word.
Yeah, you said L-O-V-E.
That's a good one.
Um, the other one that Amy and Ihave adopted over the years is

(13:52):
GWTF.
It's not really a word, it'smore of an acronym.
It's an acronym.
It's a good one, though.
It's it served us well, and it'sgo with the flow, GWTF.
And so sometimes when we'refeeling like we're pushing
against some things or there'ssome control things going on,
Amy and I will look at eachother sometimes and just say
GWTF.
And and it's because most of thethings that we get uptight about

(14:13):
aren't that big of a deal.
Right.
And so we can go along withother people's plans, we can go
along with other people'smotives, the things that they
feel are important, maybe, anduh, and that's called family.
Yeah, and GWTF has served uswell over the years.
So I I release that to you aswell as a as a tool.
Yeah.
Um, but I think calm, forgive,um, you know, pre-forgive, um, a

(14:35):
calm response, GWTF, these arethings that can really help you
this season.
Um, but you just have to go inand come in low and and realize
that these people that the Lordhas entrusted you with called
family, yeah, are so stinkingimportant.
Yeah.
And uh when we see that, um, Ibelieve that what the value will
be there and the Holy Spiritwill take care of the rest of
it.

SPEAKER_01 (14:56):
And the other the other thing that just comes to
mind right as we're wrappingthis question up, before we head
out the door, like having alittle prayer huddle with your
immediate family, those that arein your home still, and just is
and just saying, Okay, guys,we're heading to grandma and
grandpa's and you're gonna haveyour cousins there, which is
gonna be really fun.
But I know sometimes thosecousin relationships, I had

(15:18):
tricky cousins as a kid, and andI didn't necessarily look
forward to spending time withthem because they were a little
another four-letter word,M-E-A-N, and it was tricky.
And I remember my mom, you know,kind of cheering me on before
they would get there.
And I and I think that's okay,just to pre-arm our kids.
Like, okay, they might saysomething mean, but even if

(15:41):
somebody says something mean,you don't have to say anything
mean back because you know Jesusloves you, and it's only his
opinion that matters.
Mommy and daddy are there foryou if you don't feel safe.
You can always come to me andjust pre-guide your children to
help navigate some of therelationships that you know that
they might face.
And then pray, let the spirit ofpeace descend on you, descend on

(16:04):
your kids, descend on yourfamily, so that as you head out
the door, it's in that spiritthat you go and you actually are
bringing kingdom to change theworld, one family at a time.

SPEAKER_02 (16:15):
And the whole point of these questions is to offer
strategy.
And so hopefully that this helpsbecause you know, again, the
strategy isn't to show themtheir wrong ways, it just
doesn't work.
Um, but let me just read thisverse to you 2 Corinthians 2.10,
one of my favorite ones.
Anyone you forgive, I alsoforgive.
And what I have forgiven, ifthere was anything to forgive, I
have forgiven in the sight ofChrist for your sake.

(16:37):
Yeah, in order that Satan mightnot outwit us, for we are not
unaware of his schemes.

SPEAKER_01 (16:43):
That's a good verse.

SPEAKER_02 (16:44):
And so if we get nothing else out of this
podcast, get the fact that Satanwants to keep you disconnected
from your family.
That's his goal.
Yeah, um, he loves it, and so wecan't take the bait.

SPEAKER_01 (16:54):
That's right.

SPEAKER_02 (16:55):
He's gonna throw a little offense in your way and
see if you take it and see ifyou'll let that box fall over
the top of you.
And and you will be the onetrapped.
I promise you.
It won't be the offender, it'llbe you.
And so let's just not take thebait.
Let's let's not be unaware ofhis schemes.

SPEAKER_01 (17:08):
Yeah.
I agree, amen.

SPEAKER_02 (17:11):
Do you want to pray?

SPEAKER_01 (17:12):
Yeah.
So, Lord Jesus, we are superthankful that your blood is
enough, that you have suppliedevery single thing that we need
for every relationship, forevery need, and that even now we
just place the blood of Jesus,your precious blood, over our
families, over ourrelationships, over our parents,

(17:34):
our siblings, our children, ourspouses, over our cousins and
our aunts and uncles and ourgreat-grandparents.
Father, we just thank you forthe fresh breath that you're
breathing over every one of ourhomes even now.
And we thank you that ourfamilies are called to flourish
and that our generations are theones that are going to light the

(17:55):
way for the advancing of thekingdom of God.

SPEAKER_02 (17:58):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (17:58):
We love you and we just thank you.

SPEAKER_02 (18:00):
Yeah.
And Lord, for those families whoare struggling, um, I just pray
that this holiday season wouldbe a turning point.
Yes.
And that as even just evenhopefully some wisdom from this
podcast, as people go unarmed,um, pre-forgiven, um, Lord, that
the the this the the atmospherein those rooms would would shift
and would change, and that thiswould be a time of real healing

(18:23):
and and and words communicatedin love to one another.
Um, I just pray that over eachfamily listening here today.
Uh, and I pray this in Jesus'name.
Amen.

SPEAKER_00 (18:37):
If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and
Amy to answer on a futureepisode, head over to the
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Thanks for tuning in, and we'llsee you next week.