July 14, 2025 • 38 mins
In this episode of Fatherhood Unscripted, Alec and DJ sit down with Pastor Joe from Vivid Church to talk about fatherhood, faith, boundaries, and building an authentic, rooted identity as a dad.Joe shares practical wisdom on being the same man at home as you are in public, setting healthy boundaries to protect your family, and modeling faith for your kids.We also talk about the power of daily affirmations and why your words matter so much as a father.📥 Grab our FREE Rooted Daily Affirmations for Dads PDF (link below) to start speaking truth and identity over yourself every day and lead your family from a place of being truly Rooted.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to Fatherhood Unscripted.
Today we're diving deep into something every dad needs to
think about. Identity, boundaries, and how
the way we lead at home shapes our kids for life.
We've got a powerful conversation lined up to help
you not just be present, but be intentional in your fatherhood.
So settle in, take notes if you want, and let's get into it.
What's going on, everybody? It is fatherhood unscripted.
(00:22):
We're back with another episode and we have Pastor Joe back.
We are excited. Pastor Joe is the pastor of
Vivid Church. Alec and I have talked about the
church that Alec goes to and attends and is a part of, and
Joe is the leader, the pastor ofthat church.
(00:44):
And we have him back. Yeah, just to talk about
fatherhood and the relationship he has with God and the
correlation with all of that. So, yeah, without further ado,
Joe, welcome back. Great to be back.
Thanks for having me guys. It's been a minute.
I think you were in our first year for seven months have been
(01:05):
on. You were on our Valentine's Day
episode. Yeah, that was a fun one.
Yeah, I. Think that's one of the only
episodes we've talked to. I mean, we've talked to a couple
people about like wives and likestuff like that, Blake.
That's the only one we've ever gone like in depth about like
wives. So yeah, it's been a minute.
But yeah, if you guys don't knowPastor Joe, well, he is the
pastor of it in a Brea, CA Awesome, amazing man, personal
(01:30):
friend of mine. And yeah, we're just going to
talk about like what DJ said, just being a dad, being a pastor
and just how those two connect and what it is like to parent as
a pastor and all that fun stuff.Well, so you, you lead all of us
at the church. What does, what does that look
like at home? How do you, is there a
(01:50):
difference? Which I mean, they're probably
the kind of you. So is there a difference between
Pastor Joe and Daddy Joe? Oh, Daddy Joe, One of my things
I don't know, like the core conviction since getting to
ministry was I don't want my kids to see me as somebody
(02:13):
different at church than at home.
And so I try to be the exact same because I grew up with my
best friend. His dad was a pastor.
As we were getting closer when we were just thirteen years old
and I started going to his housemore and more and more, you
could see that his dad was different at home than at
(02:34):
church. Very charismatic, very likable
at church and at home. He, he was just, he was a
different dude. And you, you end up finding out
why, because I mean, he was miserable.
He was actually having an affairwith the worship leader.
And so I know crazy. And and so like that's I don't
(02:56):
know if that that's just marked me of like, OK, as I was going
through ministry, I'm like, I don't want to be that dude.
I don't want to be charismatic and really likable in, you know,
public. And then at home, my kids just
go off to their bedroom and don't want anything to do with
me. You know, he he was a yeller.
He would throw things. He I mean it, it was wild.
(03:18):
Like it was, it was very different.
And so that's just hit me and, and you know, like there's this
book and I know Alec has it, it's called, it's called The Way
to Win. And I go through it with a, a
group of guys and one of the things he talks about in chapter
20, it's almost like a small devotional, but literally in
(03:39):
chapter 20 is how to leave your kids when they're small.
And he says children from their earliest impressions of God or
children's form, sorry, childrenform their earliest impressions
of God based on their relationship with their earthly
fathers. So that's weighty, right?
So it's like, OK, if if I want my kids to not love God because
(04:02):
I love God, but I I want them tohave a true authentic
relationship with him, I have tobe the first to model that.
That's so good. Yeah, I think, you know, going
through that book, that book is an awesome book.
And how sorry There's a Fly was saying that when you first
(04:27):
became a dad. I mean, you have you have 4
kids, three blood children. So when you first became a dad,
was there anything that like kind of scared you because this
is pre like lead Pastor Joe. So it was like, was there
anything that scared you going into being a dad?
Like we were like, all right, these are what I'm going to set
(04:48):
up right now going into being a dad.
Yeah, multiple things. So boundaries matter, right?
We see that all over the place. Like we have boundaries on our
roads, on our freeways, the, whether it's dotted line, solid
line, the boundaries aren't to keep us from fun, they're to
keep us protected. And so we set up boundaries.
(05:08):
And again, like, so I've, you know, like, as I'm sharing this,
like my second lead pastor, he also, well, he wasn't my second
because they obviously removed that first one, brought somebody
in. Then we moved with our youth
pastors to plant a church. And this was years later.
And he, my youth pastor, 10 or 11 years in, he was the lead
(05:29):
pastor of this new church, 3 campuses, you know, I think the
peak we reached was like 3000 people.
Like it was, it was big and he ended up having a moral failure.
And so it's like, as I'm talkingabout this, I'm like, man, I got
some jacked up guys in my life that I've been following.
So how to make sure that I'm notfollowing their footsteps?
(05:50):
But saying that him and his wife, they were like pedal to
the metal go getters. And, and I think that's what
would end up hurting the relationship is they were so
focused on the church growth. They they never dated and they
didn't date their kids. So even from the beginning when
Gwen was born, so she's my oldest biological, she's 11 now.
(06:14):
But we set up strict boundaries like, Hey, when it's like time
to leave work, quote UN quote, like church, you know, like I'm
leaving because some people are like, you know, like we had one
guy and but he was young, he wasn't even married yet and, and
he got the nickname Philo. He was the first one in last one
(06:34):
out and that got praised a lot. But like, and again, like I wake
up early. I do all my stuff and it's like,
but I'm so strict with my time when I'm at work that like, I
don't feel bad about leaving on time to go home to my brand new
baby girl, you know, and, and so, but one of the other
(06:54):
pastors, he was the worship pastor at the time, would give
me crap for it. I'm like, I don't care.
I got my work done, you know, like I'm going home to spend
time with my family Saying that that worship pastor's no longer
in ministry. The guy who who's Filo, he's no
longer even a believer. He, you know, fell away all
these. So it's like setting up
(07:15):
boundaries is protection for your family and for yourself
because you can end up burning yourself out whether it's in
ministry or not. I mean, you guys know how it is
when you're doing, you know, even podcasting, you can put in
so much time for it. You're neglecting family versus
like, hey, here's my here's my work hours, right?
(07:37):
I'm podcasting on, you know, Saturday mornings from a certain
time, certain time, I'm editing,I'm making reels or making
shorts or posting or whatever, but all in a time frame because
like I can't be saying, Hey, fatherhood unscripted, but I'm
never actually spending time with my kids as a father.
And so, you know, the, the titlepastor really comes from the
(07:59):
word shepherd. And so it's like, if I'm not
shepherding my children, like they're my first ministry.
And so I don't I don't want to focus on the platform of the
stage. That's actually not shepherding.
You know, it's it's those one-on-one.
And Alec, you know, this, we've had a conversation before where
it's like, you know, Pete, you know, John Maxwell says this.
(08:20):
He's like, people don't care what you know until they know
how much you care. And so it's like, that's for the
adults that I shepherd and that's also for my kids.
Like I could rattle them off quote by quote by quote, but if
I'm not spending time with them and building that relationship.
And so even now, you know, like Gwen, so she's 11, she's really
(08:41):
into basketball. So she has we're on summer break
and she wakes up with me at 4:30in the morning to go to the gym
with me to work out. Like she's, she's just trying to
get better. But also like, that's a
mentality Chrissy and I had to cultivate in her of not like,
hey, you're just not going to naturally be a good basketball
(09:01):
player. You got to practice at it.
You're not going to just naturally get stronger.
You got to put in time in the weight room.
And so I got her. It's like it's called dribble
up. It's a yellow basketball.
And then you connect it to your iPad or your phone and it tracks
your dribbling. And so even the other night, she
didn't want to do that. I was like, hey, girl, it's 30
minutes a day. I was like, it's up to you if if
you. So she has a her best friend's
(09:21):
name's Cora. And Cora is a phenom on the
basketball court. And Gwen, this is the first year
she played and she was probably the second or third best player.
I said, listen, if you want to have those breakaways like Cora
does, Cora can do that because she can handle the ball so well.
I said we're going to practice your shooting, but you have to
(09:42):
practice your dribbling every single day for at least 30
minutes. I said, so if you don't want to,
that's on you. But don't expect when you get a
rebound or if they pass you the ball and you have a break, what
you like that you you're going to dribble fantastic into a
great layup. I was like, you got to put in
the work now. And so it's just even instilling
that in their mindset. Yeah, no, that's, that's really
good. It's, you know, like you said,
(10:03):
it's about leading your kids andthen, you know, it translates
all all throughout life. And something that I actually
did with Nate recently because Nate is very competitive and he
wants to win at everything. So we just did we we and his
cousins, his cousins here in Vegas, they're having a race
(10:24):
just the other day. And June of course, beats Nate
and Nate gets upset. And I'm like, hey, buddy, look,
sometimes we lose. This is, you know, this is this
the reality. And he's like, but I don't want
to lose. Then we just have to practice on
how do we, how do we get better?How do we, how do we, you know,
(10:45):
get you to the point where you're you're beating June?
You know, it's it. But I said, and the second
thing, you should go up and congratulate June.
Like you have to just, you know,don't be a sore loser and just
like brush her off and push her away.
You know, just go up and say, Hey, good job.
Like you did a great job. You beat me, I'm going to go get
better. And so like just just leaving
(11:07):
your kids and it's really cool to kind of see that in in your
life and setting up those boundaries, like you said.
And because I mean from for me too, like it could, I could
easily stay at work extra hours and put in more because in an 8
hour window, there's not enough time to do everything.
So I can sit there for 12-15 hours and stay there at the
(11:28):
office. But after that 8 hour, I'm like,
I'm gone. I want to go spend time with my
kids. I want to, you know, cultivate
that at home. And so early on, I know you said
you kind of put those boundariesin place, but like if you could
talk a little bit further on like what that look like
specifically in your home in those early stages.
(11:49):
And then, you know, obviously itlooks like it's polished now
because you've had all this timeto kind of refine.
So how did that look like at thebeginning?
What were some of the like, you know, your dips and you know,
aw, this is not working. I got a pivot here type of
stuff. Yeah, yeah.
So some of the boundaries that have stuck with us, especially
(12:10):
because I listened to another pastor when he was planting a
church and literally his, him and his, why they were falling
apart. And so they had to make some
adjustments. So it's like learning from other
people's failures, right? So I'm like, OK, what, what
boundaries do we need to put in place now that we're stepping
out of just youth pastor role, associate pastor role, campus
pastor role and to lead pastor role?
(12:31):
And so we had conversation with our kids when we first moved to
California saying like, Hey, this first season is going to be
busy because we're meeting with people all the time.
We're like, but this is just a season.
What happens a lot of times, especially in ministry, we like
to as Christians, we like to usethe word season.
The problem is, don't we I'm like, I don't know other yeah, I
(12:53):
don't know other organizations or you know, that use the word
season. But we we're to season.
But saying that, I, I know a lotof pastors that that one season
becomes, rolls into another season into another season.
It's like, hey, well, that's nota season.
That's just your lifestyle. Uh huh.
Because seasons change, right? There's dormant season, so
(13:15):
there's slow season. So like even in the summer right
now, it's like if church isn't packed out, like I don't like
crap my pants 'cause I'm like, it's a season, people are
travelling, people are on vacation, you know what I mean?
And so it's like, I'm not going to be pedal to the metal trying
to get all these people to church and to connecting when
everyone's busy. So that's like, you know, and
this is church talk. But even something we did
(13:36):
different this summer was instead of small groups in
person, we're doing like digitalsmall groups where it's
everybody's going through the Bible.
Well, the New Testament in 90 days and it's all in the Bible
app. It's all digital instead of get
together physical. So anyway, saying that one of
the things that we wanted to make sure when actually get into
(13:58):
the rhythm of church world, you know, was that at in the
evenings, our kids still are priority.
And then that me and Chrissy still prioritize each other.
So what that looks like is we weare home.
Our goal is to be home four to five nights a week, so that's
only two nights out doing something.
(14:19):
So that might be like, we have aworship night on Wednesday
night, the first Wednesday. That might be me being at
worship practice on Wednesday night.
That might be a meeting, you know, in the evening, something
like that. Where's the other ones?
Our kids see us home and so that's a boundary.
So even for us, we're just like,hey, I'll shift to meet with
people earlier in the morning orwhat not, you know, during the
(14:40):
day, whatever it is, because I want to be at my kids basketball
games. I want to be at their volleyball
games. You know, I want to be at
T-ball, all the different things.
And something we value is dinnertogether like we have.
And, and it's probably again, from a core root issue from me
not having dinners with my, my family, I only remember a
(15:01):
handful of times my dad was at the dinner table unless we were
like out to dinner, but actuallybeing home, he, he wasn't, he
was, he owned his own business. So it's like he was gone from
morning, like I didn't see him when we woke up.
And then in the evening it's like he would, he'd get home so
late. Like I, I maybe saw him an hour
a day. And so it's like even stuff like
(15:23):
that, I'm like, OK, I want to bea dad that's present.
So what does that look like? And so one of the things is,
hey, we want to have dinner together and at the dinner
table, we don't have phones, we don't have our Apple Watches.
We are engaged. We always ask the kids, what was
your favorite part of the day? What you learn today, Gwen, our
11 year old is doing our 90 day Bible reading plan with us.
So we ask her, hey, what, what stood out to you today?
(15:46):
If she's like, I don't know, then we, me and Chrissy, we
talked about what stood out to us, trying to help her
understand, you know, what she just read in the Bible and how
to apply that to her life. So that's a strict boundary.
We, we date them And so that's like once a month, we take each
of them out on a date that my 4 year old boy, my 8 year old
daughter, my 11 year old daughter date them all.
(16:07):
If my 27 year old lived here, I would take her out because she
needs to know what a real man ofGod looks like compared to the
loser she used to date. And so it's those things because
we even like. So here's something else.
We, we teach our kids like even what they're wearing, right?
And so the other day we are at the, of some fireworks on the
(16:28):
3rd, 3rd of July and Vivi was telling us something that some
chick was wearing really inappropriate.
And I was like, man, that soundslike a hoochie.
And so Vivi's like, what's that?And so had to go on explaining.
And Chrissy does such a good jobat this because we don't like
just try to like keep them in a bubble.
We, we point to things and teachthem, Hey, we don't go that
(16:50):
direction. We go this direction, right?
And because Jesus even says this, I am the way, the truth
and the light. So what's the right way?
We have to point our kids in theright direction.
What is the way we're like? That's not the way.
That's the way actually to insecurity and heartbreak and
trying to get all the attention on yourself but never finding
(17:11):
fulfillment. Like that's what that way is.
And Vivi learn from us. Your mom and dad have lived that
way. I might not used to wear those
outfits that those girls are wearing, but I've heard that
way. And so we're just like, and and
so Chrissy does a great job of saying like, Hey, your, your
body, what you, what God has given you is for your future
husband. And when you when somebody's
(17:34):
dressed like that, they're trying to get everybody to look
And like, Chrissy does such a good job explain this.
And she's like, but when you're trying to get everybody to look,
you're really just asking a bunch of little boys to look and
you're not trying to get that man of God to look because a
God, a man of God actually isn'tlooking at that or for that.
(17:54):
And so even in that is the boundaries of what our kids
wear. Like they've had times and they
just get bigger. So like, baby, she's she's just
shooting up taller and she'll put on a shirt.
I'm like, babe, you can't wear that out.
Like as I can see, like your belly, you know, even this past
week, I think she wore one. I was like, why are you wearing
that shirt? She's like, well, it's my shirt
Gwen gave me. I was like, babe, you outgrew
that. Like you can't wear that shirt
(18:15):
anymore. So it's just teaching, you know,
even on that aspect of even likeboundaries to understand for
themselves and the why behind it, not just hey, here's the
rules. It's hey, here's the why behind
it. Like you are a daughter of God
and he made you special for a very special young man that one
(18:38):
day you're going to meet. Maybe, maybe he already goes to
our church. Maybe it's Micah, maybe it's
someone you're going to meet in college.
Maybe, you know, like we don't know, but you want to protect
yourself for him. And so we even teach them
boundaries on that at a young age.
They do drive your color crazy, so we'll say that they.
Do so it could be a young love. Christy and I used to drive each
other crazy. I drove Korean crazy and then
(19:01):
she finally broke down. I was like, Oh yeah, this guy's
cool. So that's it we got there.
Hey, quick pause here. I know we're hitting on some big
stuff about identity and boundaries today and we really
want to help take this further in your life.
So we put together a free list of daily affirmations for men.
It's all about helping you grow,build your identity and speak
truth of yourself everyday. If you want to start showing up
(19:23):
as the man and the dad that you are called to be, grab it now.
Just hit the link in the show notes.
It's totally free. Let's get back in the episode.
But no, I like that because like, I know a lot of dads and a
lot of people we've talked to have kind of fallen into that.
Like it's a lot easier to just let things happen and not
explain things to your kids. You get to that well, because I
said so. And that's a dangerous path to
(19:47):
go down because then your kids grow up and they have no idea
what is what. And like with a lot of us
growing up, like I know my parents were like that.
It was their war was law and we didn't ask why they were saying
what they're saying. And so I know I've been there a
few times where it's just like, well, what is that?
Like, you know, don't worry about it.
Like you just push it off, you know, because you don't want to
be lazy or what it is. Or maybe a lot of times, like I
(20:08):
think my parents didn't know a lot of stuff.
That's why they didn't want to explain a lot of things.
But no, I like that because it is good for especially dads to
set those ground rules and set those batteries for the kids and
teach them while they're young because if they go down, they're
going to be the hoochies. You know, because I think that
is what a lot of that is. They just weren't taught when
(20:29):
they were younger so. We get weird about having the
conversation and so it's like I even told Chrissy it was like we
got to have the conversation with them because it's summer
and it's like they're going to bed later, which means me and
Chrissy have later time. So usually what our schedule is
they're they're in bed 830 go tosleep.
And then me and Chrissy, becausewe're strict with our bedtime,
(20:51):
like I'm, I want to be asleep by10 to wake up by 4:30.
And so it's like that, that 8:30to like 10 is our time, which
includes sex. And so I'm like, if we got like
they've been like coming out nine 9/15 9:30 I'm like, I'm
just like looking at my, my watch.
I'm like, Yo, the countdown is on.
We're only going to have so muchtime if they're not asleep by.
(21:13):
And so even the conversation like, hey, guys, like if if
you're not staying in your room at 8:30 and we put you in that,
like we're going to start shutting our door and you don't
get to come and knock on it. Like you don't get to come and
try to unlock it. Like, you know, and even explain
to them like this is mom and dadtime.
And we've told them that. But now it might be like this is
this is mom and dad time, you know, so like stay in your room
(21:36):
or you are going to be freaked out or grossed out if you try to
open that door. Early childhood trauma.
That's it. Like, hey, we warned you, we
were trying to. Protect you from the trauma.
Some of that I like you said, and I think this would actually,
it actually helps with boundaries is knowing what you
value. And you, you mentioned your
(21:58):
value like, you know, just, yeah, I just that to me like
'cause when you value something,you want to protect it, right?
You want to put those boundariesup, You want to make sure you're
going. So it's like, do I value health?
Well, then what am I doing to that actually says that I value
it, that it protects my health because a lot of people like to
say they value something, but they don't put the boundaries in
(22:21):
place to protect that what they value.
So they don't really value it. So I just, I just really like to
it's something that's I just pointed out.
And then, you know, obviously you said, you know, seasons, you
know, we go through different seasons and, you know, different
parts of life. But we there are sometimes where
it becomes now a lifestyle and not so much like, oh, I'm just
(22:43):
going through this season. Well, bro, you've been in this
season for two years. I don't know what what kind of
season that is, but it doesn't sound like a season to me.
But like just knowing and recognizing when you're doing
stuff that doesn't actually align with your values and
pulling yourself back saying whyis that?
So I don't know if you can talk to that a bit just like pulling
yourself back. OK, I'm not actually valuing
(23:05):
what I say I am, so how do I putmyself back into this place?
Yeah, I mean, that's a great question.
So there's a book that I, I mean, I recommend to like
everybody. I was actually just developing a
teaching off of it called AtomicHabits and by James Clear's
fantastic. And when he talks about like
talking about like goals, right,it all comes down to your
(23:27):
identity. And so it's like when you value
something like what you were just saying, DJ, it's like,
because you identify, right? Like if my identity is I want to
be a good father, then what processes am I putting in place
to reach that goal? Because in the book he talks
about like a target, right? He's like, usually we have the,
(23:47):
the goal is the target. He said the goal should actually
be on the outside of the circle,then the processes and then in
the middle is identity. And so when you start with
identity, you begin to say, OK, what would, what would a godly
husband do? Godly husband would date his
wife. A godly husband would, would
show his insecurities to his wife because we see that
(24:09):
throughout the Bible, right? A godly husband would, would ask
for forgiveness, admit when he'swrong.
You know, the same thing with a,a, a godly father.
What would he do? He would he would apologize to
his kids when he's wrong. And I had to do that last week.
So again, I'm trying to be alonewith my wife.
And they were just loud and obnoxious down the hallway
(24:32):
throwing like making paper airplanes, throwing them at our
room. And they suck at making
airplanes. So they were just paper.
And then they would get out of the bed and throw it closer and
closer. And I was like, Oh my gosh, it
was all because they couldn't get their like night light on.
And it was still like light out.I'm like, guys, it's like I'm
watching this and this is how sinful I am.
I was watching a sermon and justgetting frustrated with my kids.
(24:55):
Like I'm watching another and I'm like these freaking kids.
And so finally I get up and go in there, fix their night light.
I was like, it is bedtime. Don't talk to me anymore and
just walked out. And it's like, then you lay in
bed and I'm like, I shouldn't have said don't talk to me
anymore because that that's that's not the same.
(25:15):
I wanted, you know, like that's not what I was trying to convey.
So anyways, you know, I finishedthe sermon and get up and
they're already asleep. So the next morning I'm doing my
devotional and Gwen comes out, my 11 year old and put down my
Bible. I said, hey, I want to apologize
to you. Like last night Dad said, don't
talk to me anymore. That's not what I meant because
I love your voice. I meant it's time for bed.
(25:39):
We're done talking. You know, I should have said it
better. I was like, but I don't want you
to ever think like dad doesn't want to hear me.
And so I apologize to her. And then Vivi who woke up later,
the same thing. I was like, I want to make sure
that you girls know, like I actually do value your voice.
But there are certain things that we put in place that when
it's bedtime, it's bedtime. And so we've even told him
(26:00):
because they're like, well, whatif I forget what I want to say?
We're like, write it down. Just write it down.
Have a piece of paper next to your bed eternal and show us in
the morning. And again, even Vivi did that.
I think like 2 nights ago she came in and she had something to
tell us. And Chrissy's like write it
down. It's bedtime goodnight.
You know, it's like we, we like cut them off before they even
start going into a story that becomes 10 minutes.
(26:20):
We're like, because we're tryingto set those boundaries.
But saying that the value of I don't want them to because
Chrissy tells me this. Chrissy's my wife.
She says you're the sexiest whenyou're the most vulnerable.
She's like, you work out for Alec and Eric.
That's why you work out. They they care about your body.
She says I care about your vulnerability.
(26:44):
And so when we're vulnerable, like learning like, OK, what is
a healthy like man of God look like for a husband and for a
father? I'm vulnerable.
I'm transparent, I apologize. And so again, it's like my
identity, but then those things that I, I have to be aware of to
put in place, right? I want my kids again, to know
(27:06):
what it looks like to date a manof God.
So I take them out on dates, right?
I, I know what each one of them likes.
I open the door for them. I'll get them flowers, you know,
like doing certain things. And so it's like those are the
processes to reach the goal, right?
And so that that's some of the stuff, you know, like as you're
asking about like values, it's like those values are so tied
(27:28):
into your identity because I mean, I love your illustration.
What you value protect. So I have like a Notre Dame
football that's signed and it's in a glass case up there, right?
I'm a Notre Dame fan, like my identity, I'm a Notre Dame fan.
And so it's like, so I protect what I value.
We know that with the bank, right?
Like our money's in the bank. We're protecting what we value.
(27:49):
But sometimes in life, we just get so comfortable with those
around us, we forget the value. It's like, how am I protecting
their hearts, their minds, theireyes?
What do I need to put in place to show them, hey, you are worth
so much to me. You're valuable.
(28:10):
But that starts with our identity before.
Because again, if I gave that toDJ, you're probably like, I
don't care about Notre Dame. Like, why do I just perform the
case? You know, you're like, this is
taking up a room in my house, you know, like because it you
don't have identity as a Notre Dame fan.
So even what we value, it alwaysstarts with identity.
Well, I think is what that and we mean you had our conversation
the other day about identity andlike speaking differently about
(28:33):
yourself and I think that goes along way too.
It's just the way you talk aboutyourself versus like my own.
I have a guy who sits on a couchtoday.
No, I'm a dude who gets up and goes and does stuff with my
kids. Or you know, I I can start
saying I am a Notre Dame fan because everyone knows I'm not a
big football fan. So I mean, that's another thing
with identity and boundaries is with when you start speaking it
(28:56):
and do existence, you start speaking it about yourself.
It's almost like in my kids bathroom, we have affirmations.
So I'm smart, I am beautiful, I'm strong, that kind of stuff.
And when you start speaking it over yourself every day, it
becomes your identity. And so for those who you know
are lacking out there or want tofor like me, once they're going
to the gym and once they're doing all this stuff in life
(29:18):
versus just being what they havebeen, you can change it almost
to a point where if you aren't bad, if you don't like it.
And I guess that's just the wrong way to go about it.
But if you feel like you've got into a slump or something like
that, and then you start speaking that over yourself, it
(29:39):
can help get you out of slump. Like for me, me and my wife, you
guys all Karina, we had a reallyhard conversation the other
night just because I've been lacking in some areas.
And so this week I've been really happy.
Me and you had talked. I've been really on top myself
about talking identity or myself.
I'm actually at tomorrow at church and just so frightening
(30:02):
people listening. If you feel like you're going
through a hard season, if you feel like you're having
difficulty being a dad, if you feel like you're having a
difficulty setting up boundaries, just start speaking
that over yourself. Like I am one who sets
boundaries. I am a man of God.
I am a good dad like that. That one could be a little hard
because sometimes, you know, youcan say you're a good dad, but
(30:23):
that is based off of solely likeactions.
But no, I like that identity because definitely that has been
helped me a lot this week. Like, you know, I know we talked
about like, oh, I don't want to get out of bed at 4 O clock in
the morning. So now I've been telling myself,
telling Korean, I like, hey, yeah, I'm getting 445 because
I'm the guy who gets up. And so like, you know what, 5
out of 6-7 days a week we're nottoday, but five out of seven
(30:45):
days a week, I've got up at 4:30.
Mom, man, nice job it's. Like you just got to start
putting it in. But I like that because that
shows the kids too, that dad gets up, Dad does this, Dad does
what he says he's going to do because that could be very
dangerous going in because then your kids like, oh, my dad never
said anything or would anything my dad said he never followed
through on, you know, and you don't want to have that.
(31:07):
So that helps. If you show them like we'll talk
about the boundaries. They're going to know growing up
that dad always said boundaries.That's what.
I do too, yeah. I got to my thought and there
took a minute. Well, you even sharing that, you
know, I'm working on right now, like a a men's teaching on
different like men in the Bible and how each of them LED, you
(31:31):
know, whether it was spirituallyas a family and their
leadership, whatever it is. And so even, you know, like
looking at David of like God wasseeking a man after his own
heart. So even even like the daily
affirmation. So that's what I have written
down. It's like I'm a man after God's
own heart, seeking his will above my own, which then ties
(31:51):
into Matthew 633 that says seek first the Kingdom of God and his
righteousness and everything else will be added.
And so it's like God, as I seek you first, as I seek your will,
I know the things that I'm so concerned about, you'll actually
bring on because I'm putting theKingdom above my Kingdom, right?
And so again, it starts with identity.
(32:11):
And I have this down. Like I humble myself before God
and I'm teachable in his hands because we want to be
correctable. Even the, the reason you guys do
this podcast is to teach other guys, right?
And if another guy listens on here and if they're not
teachable, excuse me, they're just like, oh man, this is
garbage, right? I can't, I can't learn this.
(32:33):
Like I already got it together. It's like, no, like even if
99.9% stuff you can't apply, there's that .1.
It's like my wife and I like ourkids teach us so much.
You know, I, I remember one timewe were driving down the in the
car and Gwen randomly just askedme, Dad, why do you talk to
(32:55):
Kara? That's my adopted 27 year old
different than me. And then she just started
looking out the window again. And I'm like, well, what the
Frick how how do I sound to Karaversus, you know, Gwen?
I'm like, and it just gets you thinking like, am I harder on
her? Do I expect more?
Does it sound more like a pastorthan a dad?
You know? And so that just like shift my
(33:16):
mindset. I'm like, OK, like I got to make
sure I'm talking to her the right way.
So anyways, but like what you were saying, those those
affirmations that matter. And again, we know this, the
world is not speaking life over us.
It's beating us down. Like we don't get that many of
data boys from work. It's more like, Hey, you missed
(33:38):
this. You were late on this XY and Z.
And it's like, OK, so it's like I need to like I need to
encourage myself in the Lord daily.
The Bible talks about encouraging yourself.
And so those affirmations of like who am I?
Craig Rochelle, he, he has a bunch of affirmations.
He's a lead pastor of the churchthat invented the Bible app, but
(33:58):
he has my line. And like some of his or even
Jesus is first in my life. I exist to serve God and glorify
him. I love my wife and will lay down
my life to serve her. My children will love God and
serve him with their whole hearts.
I will nurture, equip, train andempower them to do more for his
Kingdom than they can imagine. I love people and believe the
(34:20):
best in others. It's like those are some of his
affirmations that if we if we know, if we say this, especially
first thing in the morning, like, OK, I love people and
believe the best in them. That means when I have to have a
hard conversation and me and Christy, we say this all the
time. If we're having a hard
conversation with somebody is I love them and they love me.
I want the best for them and they want the best for me.
(34:41):
It helps bring down any like anxiety or anger or anything.
It's like, no, this is, this is a shepherding, loving
conversation. And it's like, OK, if, if my,
like my goal is that my childrenlove God and want to serve him,
how am I going to nurture that? How am I going to equip them?
How am I going to train them? How am I going to empower them?
So I mean, we believe in the gifts of the spirit at our
(35:03):
church. We live in healing.
And so we have Gwen, our 11 yearold.
I mean, we have all of our kids do it.
But if Gwen, she functions in this, we have them when somebody
needs healing, that our kids arepraying with us and and we've
seen through Gwen's laying out of hands, like healings happen.
And so for us, again, it's like,see this, this is your faith.
(35:23):
This isn't mom and dad. Like God, the God of the
universe wants to flow through you.
And at age 11, you can start ministering.
You don't have to be an adult, you know.
And so even thinking of back to David, you know, I mean, some
theologians believe that David was between age 9 and 15 when he
slayed Goliath. Crazy.
(35:46):
And it's like, we're like, oh, no, you're too young to be in
ministry. It's like, what?
David was killing giants, and hewasn't even in youth ministry
yet. Yeah.
He's in that 5-6. Yeah.
So, yeah, I know it was what yousaid too, is like just modeling
everything. And it's, it's great when you
(36:08):
know, for me, I can model this for my boys.
What does a man of God look likefor my wife?
She can model it for my daughter.
What does a woman of God look like?
And then vice versa, Like you said, we, we take our kids on
dates too. So what does that look like?
You know, just modeling to our kids, especially my daughter.
Like I, I take her out like I, Iwant you to know, like she
(36:28):
'cause she's, she's super independent already at 2 going
on three. She wants to do everything by
herself and she wants to open the door.
She wants to no dad, I got it. And I've actually instilled this
in them to know that they got this.
They can do anything they set their hearts to.
But like in those moments, like no baby girl, I want to open the
door for you. Like I want to show you like,
(36:49):
like you don't have to do everything.
Somebody should want to partner with you and help you through
things. And this is what, you know, you
should be looking for, you know,when you when you are going to
start dating and start, you know, really looking for that
one. Are they checking all the boxes?
And are they are they going to be somebody who's once a partner
with you? Or are they going to just feed
(37:10):
off of you or, you know, suck you dry of all life?
And so I really like that. And it's so it's so true in, in
the Bible, right? Like just seek God and
everything else will fall into place.
Like your children will go afterGod because you're seeking God.
And so it's like, you know, whenthey go into the world, you
don't have to worry because God's got them.
Like it's just, it's just so cool.
(37:31):
It's so empowering. Like, OK, God, I don't have to
do everything on my own. I just throw it up to you and I
just seek you and you're going to help me out with all this.
And that's really what's cool about partnering with God when
it comes to fatherhood. And yeah, I know we're about to,
to get up on time. I don't know if Alec had any
more questions, but I just, I want to say I appreciate your
time on here. Like it's it's so good.
(37:53):
Like this is, this is really good.
I don't know. God's going to speak to somebody
about this and it's really goingto change their life.
So I appreciate you coming on. Oh yeah, I love always being on
with you guys. Yeah, same.
Thank you for your time. I mean, we'll see each other in
here pretty soon, but just thankyou and thank you for bringing
bringing what you brought today,because it is good for people to
hear that. There's a lot of dads out there
(38:14):
that don't know, you know, they just they're they're looking for
the answers and they don't know where to get the answers.
And to find that, you know, setting boundaries and speaking
life for their children is very important.
It's good that they learned that.
So thank you, Sir, as always. Everybody's listening.
You can guys can find Pastor Joeon Insta.
You guys can find him at the married life.
You can find him at Vivid Church.
You know, come check it out. We're in Brea and for anyone
(38:37):
listening, we love you guys. If you got something up, so
leave it down below. Make sure to subscribe, comment
all the fun things and we'll seeyou guys in the next episode.
Love you.
Welcome back to Fatherhood Unscripted.
Today we're diving deep into something every dad needs to
think about. Identity, boundaries, and how
the way we lead at home shapes our kids for life.
We've got a powerful conversation lined up to help
you not just be present, but be intentional in your fatherhood.
So settle in, take notes if you want, and let's get into it.
What's going on, everybody? It is fatherhood unscripted.
(00:22):
We're back with another episode and we have Pastor Joe back.
We are excited. Pastor Joe is the pastor of
Vivid Church. Alec and I have talked about the
church that Alec goes to and attends and is a part of, and
Joe is the leader, the pastor ofthat church.
(00:44):
And we have him back. Yeah, just to talk about
fatherhood and the relationship he has with God and the
correlation with all of that. So, yeah, without further ado,
Joe, welcome back. Great to be back.
Thanks for having me guys. It's been a minute.
I think you were in our first year for seven months have been
(01:05):
on. You were on our Valentine's Day
episode. Yeah, that was a fun one.
Yeah, I. Think that's one of the only
episodes we've talked to. I mean, we've talked to a couple
people about like wives and likestuff like that, Blake.
That's the only one we've ever gone like in depth about like
wives. So yeah, it's been a minute.
But yeah, if you guys don't knowPastor Joe, well, he is the
pastor of it in a Brea, CA Awesome, amazing man, personal
(01:30):
friend of mine. And yeah, we're just going to
talk about like what DJ said, just being a dad, being a pastor
and just how those two connect and what it is like to parent as
a pastor and all that fun stuff.Well, so you, you lead all of us
at the church. What does, what does that look
like at home? How do you, is there a
(01:50):
difference? Which I mean, they're probably
the kind of you. So is there a difference between
Pastor Joe and Daddy Joe? Oh, Daddy Joe, One of my things
I don't know, like the core conviction since getting to
ministry was I don't want my kids to see me as somebody
(02:13):
different at church than at home.
And so I try to be the exact same because I grew up with my
best friend. His dad was a pastor.
As we were getting closer when we were just thirteen years old
and I started going to his housemore and more and more, you
could see that his dad was different at home than at
(02:34):
church. Very charismatic, very likable
at church and at home. He, he was just, he was a
different dude. And you, you end up finding out
why, because I mean, he was miserable.
He was actually having an affairwith the worship leader.
And so I know crazy. And and so like that's I don't
(02:56):
know if that that's just marked me of like, OK, as I was going
through ministry, I'm like, I don't want to be that dude.
I don't want to be charismatic and really likable in, you know,
public. And then at home, my kids just
go off to their bedroom and don't want anything to do with
me. You know, he he was a yeller.
He would throw things. He I mean it, it was wild.
(03:18):
Like it was, it was very different.
And so that's just hit me and, and you know, like there's this
book and I know Alec has it, it's called, it's called The Way
to Win. And I go through it with a, a
group of guys and one of the things he talks about in chapter
20, it's almost like a small devotional, but literally in
(03:39):
chapter 20 is how to leave your kids when they're small.
And he says children from their earliest impressions of God or
children's form, sorry, childrenform their earliest impressions
of God based on their relationship with their earthly
fathers. So that's weighty, right?
So it's like, OK, if if I want my kids to not love God because
(04:02):
I love God, but I I want them tohave a true authentic
relationship with him, I have tobe the first to model that.
That's so good. Yeah, I think, you know, going
through that book, that book is an awesome book.
And how sorry There's a Fly was saying that when you first
(04:27):
became a dad. I mean, you have you have 4
kids, three blood children. So when you first became a dad,
was there anything that like kind of scared you because this
is pre like lead Pastor Joe. So it was like, was there
anything that scared you going into being a dad?
Like we were like, all right, these are what I'm going to set
(04:48):
up right now going into being a dad.
Yeah, multiple things. So boundaries matter, right?
We see that all over the place. Like we have boundaries on our
roads, on our freeways, the, whether it's dotted line, solid
line, the boundaries aren't to keep us from fun, they're to
keep us protected. And so we set up boundaries.
(05:08):
And again, like, so I've, you know, like, as I'm sharing this,
like my second lead pastor, he also, well, he wasn't my second
because they obviously removed that first one, brought somebody
in. Then we moved with our youth
pastors to plant a church. And this was years later.
And he, my youth pastor, 10 or 11 years in, he was the lead
(05:29):
pastor of this new church, 3 campuses, you know, I think the
peak we reached was like 3000 people.
Like it was, it was big and he ended up having a moral failure.
And so it's like, as I'm talkingabout this, I'm like, man, I got
some jacked up guys in my life that I've been following.
So how to make sure that I'm notfollowing their footsteps?
(05:50):
But saying that him and his wife, they were like pedal to
the metal go getters. And, and I think that's what
would end up hurting the relationship is they were so
focused on the church growth. They they never dated and they
didn't date their kids. So even from the beginning when
Gwen was born, so she's my oldest biological, she's 11 now.
(06:14):
But we set up strict boundaries like, Hey, when it's like time
to leave work, quote UN quote, like church, you know, like I'm
leaving because some people are like, you know, like we had one
guy and but he was young, he wasn't even married yet and, and
he got the nickname Philo. He was the first one in last one
(06:34):
out and that got praised a lot. But like, and again, like I wake
up early. I do all my stuff and it's like,
but I'm so strict with my time when I'm at work that like, I
don't feel bad about leaving on time to go home to my brand new
baby girl, you know, and, and so, but one of the other
(06:54):
pastors, he was the worship pastor at the time, would give
me crap for it. I'm like, I don't care.
I got my work done, you know, like I'm going home to spend
time with my family Saying that that worship pastor's no longer
in ministry. The guy who who's Filo, he's no
longer even a believer. He, you know, fell away all
these. So it's like setting up
(07:15):
boundaries is protection for your family and for yourself
because you can end up burning yourself out whether it's in
ministry or not. I mean, you guys know how it is
when you're doing, you know, even podcasting, you can put in
so much time for it. You're neglecting family versus
like, hey, here's my here's my work hours, right?
(07:37):
I'm podcasting on, you know, Saturday mornings from a certain
time, certain time, I'm editing,I'm making reels or making
shorts or posting or whatever, but all in a time frame because
like I can't be saying, Hey, fatherhood unscripted, but I'm
never actually spending time with my kids as a father.
And so, you know, the, the titlepastor really comes from the
(07:59):
word shepherd. And so it's like, if I'm not
shepherding my children, like they're my first ministry.
And so I don't I don't want to focus on the platform of the
stage. That's actually not shepherding.
You know, it's it's those one-on-one.
And Alec, you know, this, we've had a conversation before where
it's like, you know, Pete, you know, John Maxwell says this.
(08:20):
He's like, people don't care what you know until they know
how much you care. And so it's like, that's for the
adults that I shepherd and that's also for my kids.
Like I could rattle them off quote by quote by quote, but if
I'm not spending time with them and building that relationship.
And so even now, you know, like Gwen, so she's 11, she's really
(08:41):
into basketball. So she has we're on summer break
and she wakes up with me at 4:30in the morning to go to the gym
with me to work out. Like she's, she's just trying to
get better. But also like, that's a
mentality Chrissy and I had to cultivate in her of not like,
hey, you're just not going to naturally be a good basketball
(09:01):
player. You got to practice at it.
You're not going to just naturally get stronger.
You got to put in time in the weight room.
And so I got her. It's like it's called dribble
up. It's a yellow basketball.
And then you connect it to your iPad or your phone and it tracks
your dribbling. And so even the other night, she
didn't want to do that. I was like, hey, girl, it's 30
minutes a day. I was like, it's up to you if if
you. So she has a her best friend's
(09:21):
name's Cora. And Cora is a phenom on the
basketball court. And Gwen, this is the first year
she played and she was probably the second or third best player.
I said, listen, if you want to have those breakaways like Cora
does, Cora can do that because she can handle the ball so well.
I said we're going to practice your shooting, but you have to
(09:42):
practice your dribbling every single day for at least 30
minutes. I said, so if you don't want to,
that's on you. But don't expect when you get a
rebound or if they pass you the ball and you have a break, what
you like that you you're going to dribble fantastic into a
great layup. I was like, you got to put in
the work now. And so it's just even instilling
that in their mindset. Yeah, no, that's, that's really
good. It's, you know, like you said,
(10:03):
it's about leading your kids andthen, you know, it translates
all all throughout life. And something that I actually
did with Nate recently because Nate is very competitive and he
wants to win at everything. So we just did we we and his
cousins, his cousins here in Vegas, they're having a race
(10:24):
just the other day. And June of course, beats Nate
and Nate gets upset. And I'm like, hey, buddy, look,
sometimes we lose. This is, you know, this is this
the reality. And he's like, but I don't want
to lose. Then we just have to practice on
how do we, how do we get better?How do we, how do we, you know,
(10:45):
get you to the point where you're you're beating June?
You know, it's it. But I said, and the second
thing, you should go up and congratulate June.
Like you have to just, you know,don't be a sore loser and just
like brush her off and push her away.
You know, just go up and say, Hey, good job.
Like you did a great job. You beat me, I'm going to go get
better. And so like just just leaving
(11:07):
your kids and it's really cool to kind of see that in in your
life and setting up those boundaries, like you said.
And because I mean from for me too, like it could, I could
easily stay at work extra hours and put in more because in an 8
hour window, there's not enough time to do everything.
So I can sit there for 12-15 hours and stay there at the
(11:28):
office. But after that 8 hour, I'm like,
I'm gone. I want to go spend time with my
kids. I want to, you know, cultivate
that at home. And so early on, I know you said
you kind of put those boundariesin place, but like if you could
talk a little bit further on like what that look like
specifically in your home in those early stages.
(11:49):
And then, you know, obviously itlooks like it's polished now
because you've had all this timeto kind of refine.
So how did that look like at thebeginning?
What were some of the like, you know, your dips and you know,
aw, this is not working. I got a pivot here type of
stuff. Yeah, yeah.
So some of the boundaries that have stuck with us, especially
(12:10):
because I listened to another pastor when he was planting a
church and literally his, him and his, why they were falling
apart. And so they had to make some
adjustments. So it's like learning from other
people's failures, right? So I'm like, OK, what, what
boundaries do we need to put in place now that we're stepping
out of just youth pastor role, associate pastor role, campus
pastor role and to lead pastor role?
(12:31):
And so we had conversation with our kids when we first moved to
California saying like, Hey, this first season is going to be
busy because we're meeting with people all the time.
We're like, but this is just a season.
What happens a lot of times, especially in ministry, we like
to as Christians, we like to usethe word season.
The problem is, don't we I'm like, I don't know other yeah, I
(12:53):
don't know other organizations or you know, that use the word
season. But we we're to season.
But saying that, I, I know a lotof pastors that that one season
becomes, rolls into another season into another season.
It's like, hey, well, that's nota season.
That's just your lifestyle. Uh huh.
Because seasons change, right? There's dormant season, so
(13:15):
there's slow season. So like even in the summer right
now, it's like if church isn't packed out, like I don't like
crap my pants 'cause I'm like, it's a season, people are
travelling, people are on vacation, you know what I mean?
And so it's like, I'm not going to be pedal to the metal trying
to get all these people to church and to connecting when
everyone's busy. So that's like, you know, and
this is church talk. But even something we did
(13:36):
different this summer was instead of small groups in
person, we're doing like digitalsmall groups where it's
everybody's going through the Bible.
Well, the New Testament in 90 days and it's all in the Bible
app. It's all digital instead of get
together physical. So anyway, saying that one of
the things that we wanted to make sure when actually get into
(13:58):
the rhythm of church world, you know, was that at in the
evenings, our kids still are priority.
And then that me and Chrissy still prioritize each other.
So what that looks like is we weare home.
Our goal is to be home four to five nights a week, so that's
only two nights out doing something.
(14:19):
So that might be like, we have aworship night on Wednesday
night, the first Wednesday. That might be me being at
worship practice on Wednesday night.
That might be a meeting, you know, in the evening, something
like that. Where's the other ones?
Our kids see us home and so that's a boundary.
So even for us, we're just like,hey, I'll shift to meet with
people earlier in the morning orwhat not, you know, during the
(14:40):
day, whatever it is, because I want to be at my kids basketball
games. I want to be at their volleyball
games. You know, I want to be at
T-ball, all the different things.
And something we value is dinnertogether like we have.
And, and it's probably again, from a core root issue from me
not having dinners with my, my family, I only remember a
(15:01):
handful of times my dad was at the dinner table unless we were
like out to dinner, but actuallybeing home, he, he wasn't, he
was, he owned his own business. So it's like he was gone from
morning, like I didn't see him when we woke up.
And then in the evening it's like he would, he'd get home so
late. Like I, I maybe saw him an hour
a day. And so it's like even stuff like
(15:23):
that, I'm like, OK, I want to bea dad that's present.
So what does that look like? And so one of the things is,
hey, we want to have dinner together and at the dinner
table, we don't have phones, we don't have our Apple Watches.
We are engaged. We always ask the kids, what was
your favorite part of the day? What you learn today, Gwen, our
11 year old is doing our 90 day Bible reading plan with us.
So we ask her, hey, what, what stood out to you today?
(15:46):
If she's like, I don't know, then we, me and Chrissy, we
talked about what stood out to us, trying to help her
understand, you know, what she just read in the Bible and how
to apply that to her life. So that's a strict boundary.
We, we date them And so that's like once a month, we take each
of them out on a date that my 4 year old boy, my 8 year old
daughter, my 11 year old daughter date them all.
(16:07):
If my 27 year old lived here, I would take her out because she
needs to know what a real man ofGod looks like compared to the
loser she used to date. And so it's those things because
we even like. So here's something else.
We, we teach our kids like even what they're wearing, right?
And so the other day we are at the, of some fireworks on the
(16:28):
3rd, 3rd of July and Vivi was telling us something that some
chick was wearing really inappropriate.
And I was like, man, that soundslike a hoochie.
And so Vivi's like, what's that?And so had to go on explaining.
And Chrissy does such a good jobat this because we don't like
just try to like keep them in a bubble.
We, we point to things and teachthem, Hey, we don't go that
(16:50):
direction. We go this direction, right?
And because Jesus even says this, I am the way, the truth
and the light. So what's the right way?
We have to point our kids in theright direction.
What is the way we're like? That's not the way.
That's the way actually to insecurity and heartbreak and
trying to get all the attention on yourself but never finding
(17:11):
fulfillment. Like that's what that way is.
And Vivi learn from us. Your mom and dad have lived that
way. I might not used to wear those
outfits that those girls are wearing, but I've heard that
way. And so we're just like, and and
so Chrissy does a great job of saying like, Hey, your, your
body, what you, what God has given you is for your future
husband. And when you when somebody's
(17:34):
dressed like that, they're trying to get everybody to look
And like, Chrissy does such a good job explain this.
And she's like, but when you're trying to get everybody to look,
you're really just asking a bunch of little boys to look and
you're not trying to get that man of God to look because a
God, a man of God actually isn'tlooking at that or for that.
(17:54):
And so even in that is the boundaries of what our kids
wear. Like they've had times and they
just get bigger. So like, baby, she's she's just
shooting up taller and she'll put on a shirt.
I'm like, babe, you can't wear that out.
Like as I can see, like your belly, you know, even this past
week, I think she wore one. I was like, why are you wearing
that shirt? She's like, well, it's my shirt
Gwen gave me. I was like, babe, you outgrew
that. Like you can't wear that shirt
(18:15):
anymore. So it's just teaching, you know,
even on that aspect of even likeboundaries to understand for
themselves and the why behind it, not just hey, here's the
rules. It's hey, here's the why behind
it. Like you are a daughter of God
and he made you special for a very special young man that one
(18:38):
day you're going to meet. Maybe, maybe he already goes to
our church. Maybe it's Micah, maybe it's
someone you're going to meet in college.
Maybe, you know, like we don't know, but you want to protect
yourself for him. And so we even teach them
boundaries on that at a young age.
They do drive your color crazy, so we'll say that they.
Do so it could be a young love. Christy and I used to drive each
other crazy. I drove Korean crazy and then
(19:01):
she finally broke down. I was like, Oh yeah, this guy's
cool. So that's it we got there.
Hey, quick pause here. I know we're hitting on some big
stuff about identity and boundaries today and we really
want to help take this further in your life.
So we put together a free list of daily affirmations for men.
It's all about helping you grow,build your identity and speak
truth of yourself everyday. If you want to start showing up
(19:23):
as the man and the dad that you are called to be, grab it now.
Just hit the link in the show notes.
It's totally free. Let's get back in the episode.
But no, I like that because like, I know a lot of dads and a
lot of people we've talked to have kind of fallen into that.
Like it's a lot easier to just let things happen and not
explain things to your kids. You get to that well, because I
said so. And that's a dangerous path to
(19:47):
go down because then your kids grow up and they have no idea
what is what. And like with a lot of us
growing up, like I know my parents were like that.
It was their war was law and we didn't ask why they were saying
what they're saying. And so I know I've been there a
few times where it's just like, well, what is that?
Like, you know, don't worry about it.
Like you just push it off, you know, because you don't want to
be lazy or what it is. Or maybe a lot of times, like I
(20:08):
think my parents didn't know a lot of stuff.
That's why they didn't want to explain a lot of things.
But no, I like that because it is good for especially dads to
set those ground rules and set those batteries for the kids and
teach them while they're young because if they go down, they're
going to be the hoochies. You know, because I think that
is what a lot of that is. They just weren't taught when
(20:29):
they were younger so. We get weird about having the
conversation and so it's like I even told Chrissy it was like we
got to have the conversation with them because it's summer
and it's like they're going to bed later, which means me and
Chrissy have later time. So usually what our schedule is
they're they're in bed 830 go tosleep.
And then me and Chrissy, becausewe're strict with our bedtime,
(20:51):
like I'm, I want to be asleep by10 to wake up by 4:30.
And so it's like that, that 8:30to like 10 is our time, which
includes sex. And so I'm like, if we got like
they've been like coming out nine 9/15 9:30 I'm like, I'm
just like looking at my, my watch.
I'm like, Yo, the countdown is on.
We're only going to have so muchtime if they're not asleep by.
(21:13):
And so even the conversation like, hey, guys, like if if
you're not staying in your room at 8:30 and we put you in that,
like we're going to start shutting our door and you don't
get to come and knock on it. Like you don't get to come and
try to unlock it. Like, you know, and even explain
to them like this is mom and dadtime.
And we've told them that. But now it might be like this is
this is mom and dad time, you know, so like stay in your room
(21:36):
or you are going to be freaked out or grossed out if you try to
open that door. Early childhood trauma.
That's it. Like, hey, we warned you, we
were trying to. Protect you from the trauma.
Some of that I like you said, and I think this would actually,
it actually helps with boundaries is knowing what you
value. And you, you mentioned your
(21:58):
value like, you know, just, yeah, I just that to me like
'cause when you value something,you want to protect it, right?
You want to put those boundariesup, You want to make sure you're
going. So it's like, do I value health?
Well, then what am I doing to that actually says that I value
it, that it protects my health because a lot of people like to
say they value something, but they don't put the boundaries in
(22:21):
place to protect that what they value.
So they don't really value it. So I just, I just really like to
it's something that's I just pointed out.
And then, you know, obviously you said, you know, seasons, you
know, we go through different seasons and, you know, different
parts of life. But we there are sometimes where
it becomes now a lifestyle and not so much like, oh, I'm just
(22:43):
going through this season. Well, bro, you've been in this
season for two years. I don't know what what kind of
season that is, but it doesn't sound like a season to me.
But like just knowing and recognizing when you're doing
stuff that doesn't actually align with your values and
pulling yourself back saying whyis that?
So I don't know if you can talk to that a bit just like pulling
yourself back. OK, I'm not actually valuing
(23:05):
what I say I am, so how do I putmyself back into this place?
Yeah, I mean, that's a great question.
So there's a book that I, I mean, I recommend to like
everybody. I was actually just developing a
teaching off of it called AtomicHabits and by James Clear's
fantastic. And when he talks about like
talking about like goals, right,it all comes down to your
(23:27):
identity. And so it's like when you value
something like what you were just saying, DJ, it's like,
because you identify, right? Like if my identity is I want to
be a good father, then what processes am I putting in place
to reach that goal? Because in the book he talks
about like a target, right? He's like, usually we have the,
(23:47):
the goal is the target. He said the goal should actually
be on the outside of the circle,then the processes and then in
the middle is identity. And so when you start with
identity, you begin to say, OK, what would, what would a godly
husband do? Godly husband would date his
wife. A godly husband would, would
show his insecurities to his wife because we see that
(24:09):
throughout the Bible, right? A godly husband would, would ask
for forgiveness, admit when he'swrong.
You know, the same thing with a,a, a godly father.
What would he do? He would he would apologize to
his kids when he's wrong. And I had to do that last week.
So again, I'm trying to be alonewith my wife.
And they were just loud and obnoxious down the hallway
(24:32):
throwing like making paper airplanes, throwing them at our
room. And they suck at making
airplanes. So they were just paper.
And then they would get out of the bed and throw it closer and
closer. And I was like, Oh my gosh, it
was all because they couldn't get their like night light on.
And it was still like light out.I'm like, guys, it's like I'm
watching this and this is how sinful I am.
I was watching a sermon and justgetting frustrated with my kids.
(24:55):
Like I'm watching another and I'm like these freaking kids.
And so finally I get up and go in there, fix their night light.
I was like, it is bedtime. Don't talk to me anymore and
just walked out. And it's like, then you lay in
bed and I'm like, I shouldn't have said don't talk to me
anymore because that that's that's not the same.
(25:15):
I wanted, you know, like that's not what I was trying to convey.
So anyways, you know, I finishedthe sermon and get up and
they're already asleep. So the next morning I'm doing my
devotional and Gwen comes out, my 11 year old and put down my
Bible. I said, hey, I want to apologize
to you. Like last night Dad said, don't
talk to me anymore. That's not what I meant because
I love your voice. I meant it's time for bed.
(25:39):
We're done talking. You know, I should have said it
better. I was like, but I don't want you
to ever think like dad doesn't want to hear me.
And so I apologize to her. And then Vivi who woke up later,
the same thing. I was like, I want to make sure
that you girls know, like I actually do value your voice.
But there are certain things that we put in place that when
it's bedtime, it's bedtime. And so we've even told him
(26:00):
because they're like, well, whatif I forget what I want to say?
We're like, write it down. Just write it down.
Have a piece of paper next to your bed eternal and show us in
the morning. And again, even Vivi did that.
I think like 2 nights ago she came in and she had something to
tell us. And Chrissy's like write it
down. It's bedtime goodnight.
You know, it's like we, we like cut them off before they even
start going into a story that becomes 10 minutes.
(26:20):
We're like, because we're tryingto set those boundaries.
But saying that the value of I don't want them to because
Chrissy tells me this. Chrissy's my wife.
She says you're the sexiest whenyou're the most vulnerable.
She's like, you work out for Alec and Eric.
That's why you work out. They they care about your body.
She says I care about your vulnerability.
(26:44):
And so when we're vulnerable, like learning like, OK, what is
a healthy like man of God look like for a husband and for a
father? I'm vulnerable.
I'm transparent, I apologize. And so again, it's like my
identity, but then those things that I, I have to be aware of to
put in place, right? I want my kids again, to know
(27:06):
what it looks like to date a manof God.
So I take them out on dates, right?
I, I know what each one of them likes.
I open the door for them. I'll get them flowers, you know,
like doing certain things. And so it's like those are the
processes to reach the goal, right?
And so that that's some of the stuff, you know, like as you're
asking about like values, it's like those values are so tied
(27:28):
into your identity because I mean, I love your illustration.
What you value protect. So I have like a Notre Dame
football that's signed and it's in a glass case up there, right?
I'm a Notre Dame fan, like my identity, I'm a Notre Dame fan.
And so it's like, so I protect what I value.
We know that with the bank, right?
Like our money's in the bank. We're protecting what we value.
(27:49):
But sometimes in life, we just get so comfortable with those
around us, we forget the value. It's like, how am I protecting
their hearts, their minds, theireyes?
What do I need to put in place to show them, hey, you are worth
so much to me. You're valuable.
(28:10):
But that starts with our identity before.
Because again, if I gave that toDJ, you're probably like, I
don't care about Notre Dame. Like, why do I just perform the
case? You know, you're like, this is
taking up a room in my house, you know, like because it you
don't have identity as a Notre Dame fan.
So even what we value, it alwaysstarts with identity.
Well, I think is what that and we mean you had our conversation
the other day about identity andlike speaking differently about
(28:33):
yourself and I think that goes along way too.
It's just the way you talk aboutyourself versus like my own.
I have a guy who sits on a couchtoday.
No, I'm a dude who gets up and goes and does stuff with my
kids. Or you know, I I can start
saying I am a Notre Dame fan because everyone knows I'm not a
big football fan. So I mean, that's another thing
with identity and boundaries is with when you start speaking it
(28:56):
and do existence, you start speaking it about yourself.
It's almost like in my kids bathroom, we have affirmations.
So I'm smart, I am beautiful, I'm strong, that kind of stuff.
And when you start speaking it over yourself every day, it
becomes your identity. And so for those who you know
are lacking out there or want tofor like me, once they're going
to the gym and once they're doing all this stuff in life
(29:18):
versus just being what they havebeen, you can change it almost
to a point where if you aren't bad, if you don't like it.
And I guess that's just the wrong way to go about it.
But if you feel like you've got into a slump or something like
that, and then you start speaking that over yourself, it
(29:39):
can help get you out of slump. Like for me, me and my wife, you
guys all Karina, we had a reallyhard conversation the other
night just because I've been lacking in some areas.
And so this week I've been really happy.
Me and you had talked. I've been really on top myself
about talking identity or myself.
I'm actually at tomorrow at church and just so frightening
(30:02):
people listening. If you feel like you're going
through a hard season, if you feel like you're having
difficulty being a dad, if you feel like you're having a
difficulty setting up boundaries, just start speaking
that over yourself. Like I am one who sets
boundaries. I am a man of God.
I am a good dad like that. That one could be a little hard
because sometimes, you know, youcan say you're a good dad, but
(30:23):
that is based off of solely likeactions.
But no, I like that identity because definitely that has been
helped me a lot this week. Like, you know, I know we talked
about like, oh, I don't want to get out of bed at 4 O clock in
the morning. So now I've been telling myself,
telling Korean, I like, hey, yeah, I'm getting 445 because
I'm the guy who gets up. And so like, you know what, 5
out of 6-7 days a week we're nottoday, but five out of seven
(30:45):
days a week, I've got up at 4:30.
Mom, man, nice job it's. Like you just got to start
putting it in. But I like that because that
shows the kids too, that dad gets up, Dad does this, Dad does
what he says he's going to do because that could be very
dangerous going in because then your kids like, oh, my dad never
said anything or would anything my dad said he never followed
through on, you know, and you don't want to have that.
(31:07):
So that helps. If you show them like we'll talk
about the boundaries. They're going to know growing up
that dad always said boundaries.That's what.
I do too, yeah. I got to my thought and there
took a minute. Well, you even sharing that, you
know, I'm working on right now, like a a men's teaching on
different like men in the Bible and how each of them LED, you
(31:31):
know, whether it was spirituallyas a family and their
leadership, whatever it is. And so even, you know, like
looking at David of like God wasseeking a man after his own
heart. So even even like the daily
affirmation. So that's what I have written
down. It's like I'm a man after God's
own heart, seeking his will above my own, which then ties
(31:51):
into Matthew 633 that says seek first the Kingdom of God and his
righteousness and everything else will be added.
And so it's like God, as I seek you first, as I seek your will,
I know the things that I'm so concerned about, you'll actually
bring on because I'm putting theKingdom above my Kingdom, right?
And so again, it starts with identity.
(32:11):
And I have this down. Like I humble myself before God
and I'm teachable in his hands because we want to be
correctable. Even the, the reason you guys do
this podcast is to teach other guys, right?
And if another guy listens on here and if they're not
teachable, excuse me, they're just like, oh man, this is
garbage, right? I can't, I can't learn this.
(32:33):
Like I already got it together. It's like, no, like even if
99.9% stuff you can't apply, there's that .1.
It's like my wife and I like ourkids teach us so much.
You know, I, I remember one timewe were driving down the in the
car and Gwen randomly just askedme, Dad, why do you talk to
(32:55):
Kara? That's my adopted 27 year old
different than me. And then she just started
looking out the window again. And I'm like, well, what the
Frick how how do I sound to Karaversus, you know, Gwen?
I'm like, and it just gets you thinking like, am I harder on
her? Do I expect more?
Does it sound more like a pastorthan a dad?
You know? And so that just like shift my
(33:16):
mindset. I'm like, OK, like I got to make
sure I'm talking to her the right way.
So anyways, but like what you were saying, those those
affirmations that matter. And again, we know this, the
world is not speaking life over us.
It's beating us down. Like we don't get that many of
data boys from work. It's more like, Hey, you missed
(33:38):
this. You were late on this XY and Z.
And it's like, OK, so it's like I need to like I need to
encourage myself in the Lord daily.
The Bible talks about encouraging yourself.
And so those affirmations of like who am I?
Craig Rochelle, he, he has a bunch of affirmations.
He's a lead pastor of the churchthat invented the Bible app, but
(33:58):
he has my line. And like some of his or even
Jesus is first in my life. I exist to serve God and glorify
him. I love my wife and will lay down
my life to serve her. My children will love God and
serve him with their whole hearts.
I will nurture, equip, train andempower them to do more for his
Kingdom than they can imagine. I love people and believe the
(34:20):
best in others. It's like those are some of his
affirmations that if we if we know, if we say this, especially
first thing in the morning, like, OK, I love people and
believe the best in them. That means when I have to have a
hard conversation and me and Christy, we say this all the
time. If we're having a hard
conversation with somebody is I love them and they love me.
I want the best for them and they want the best for me.
(34:41):
It helps bring down any like anxiety or anger or anything.
It's like, no, this is, this is a shepherding, loving
conversation. And it's like, OK, if, if my,
like my goal is that my childrenlove God and want to serve him,
how am I going to nurture that? How am I going to equip them?
How am I going to train them? How am I going to empower them?
So I mean, we believe in the gifts of the spirit at our
(35:03):
church. We live in healing.
And so we have Gwen, our 11 yearold.
I mean, we have all of our kids do it.
But if Gwen, she functions in this, we have them when somebody
needs healing, that our kids arepraying with us and and we've
seen through Gwen's laying out of hands, like healings happen.
And so for us, again, it's like,see this, this is your faith.
(35:23):
This isn't mom and dad. Like God, the God of the
universe wants to flow through you.
And at age 11, you can start ministering.
You don't have to be an adult, you know.
And so even thinking of back to David, you know, I mean, some
theologians believe that David was between age 9 and 15 when he
slayed Goliath. Crazy.
(35:46):
And it's like, we're like, oh, no, you're too young to be in
ministry. It's like, what?
David was killing giants, and hewasn't even in youth ministry
yet. Yeah.
He's in that 5-6. Yeah.
So, yeah, I know it was what yousaid too, is like just modeling
everything. And it's, it's great when you
(36:08):
know, for me, I can model this for my boys.
What does a man of God look likefor my wife?
She can model it for my daughter.
What does a woman of God look like?
And then vice versa, Like you said, we, we take our kids on
dates too. So what does that look like?
You know, just modeling to our kids, especially my daughter.
Like I, I take her out like I, Iwant you to know, like she
(36:28):
'cause she's, she's super independent already at 2 going
on three. She wants to do everything by
herself and she wants to open the door.
She wants to no dad, I got it. And I've actually instilled this
in them to know that they got this.
They can do anything they set their hearts to.
But like in those moments, like no baby girl, I want to open the
door for you. Like I want to show you like,
(36:49):
like you don't have to do everything.
Somebody should want to partner with you and help you through
things. And this is what, you know, you
should be looking for, you know,when you when you are going to
start dating and start, you know, really looking for that
one. Are they checking all the boxes?
And are they are they going to be somebody who's once a partner
with you? Or are they going to just feed
(37:10):
off of you or, you know, suck you dry of all life?
And so I really like that. And it's so it's so true in, in
the Bible, right? Like just seek God and
everything else will fall into place.
Like your children will go afterGod because you're seeking God.
And so it's like, you know, whenthey go into the world, you
don't have to worry because God's got them.
Like it's just, it's just so cool.
(37:31):
It's so empowering. Like, OK, God, I don't have to
do everything on my own. I just throw it up to you and I
just seek you and you're going to help me out with all this.
And that's really what's cool about partnering with God when
it comes to fatherhood. And yeah, I know we're about to,
to get up on time. I don't know if Alec had any
more questions, but I just, I want to say I appreciate your
time on here. Like it's it's so good.
(37:53):
Like this is, this is really good.
I don't know. God's going to speak to somebody
about this and it's really goingto change their life.
So I appreciate you coming on. Oh yeah, I love always being on
with you guys. Yeah, same.
Thank you for your time. I mean, we'll see each other in
here pretty soon, but just thankyou and thank you for bringing
bringing what you brought today,because it is good for people to
hear that. There's a lot of dads out there
(38:14):
that don't know, you know, they just they're they're looking for
the answers and they don't know where to get the answers.
And to find that, you know, setting boundaries and speaking
life for their children is very important.
It's good that they learned that.
So thank you, Sir, as always. Everybody's listening.
You can guys can find Pastor Joeon Insta.
You guys can find him at the married life.
You can find him at Vivid Church.
You know, come check it out. We're in Brea and for anyone
(38:37):
listening, we love you guys. If you got something up, so
leave it down below. Make sure to subscribe, comment
all the fun things and we'll seeyou guys in the next episode.
Love you.
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