August 18, 2025 • 24 mins
Today we’re diving into the parenting trend that’s everywhere right now: FAFO Parenting — Find Out and Figure Out.
Instead of rescuing our kids from every mistake, FAFO is about letting them experience natural consequences so they grow stronger, more resilient, and more independent.
In this episode of Fatherhood Unscripted, Alec and DJ talk about:
What FAFO Parenting really is (and what it’s NOT)
The balance between freedom and safety for kids
Real stories from their own families (like touching a hot iron or sibling wrestling matches)
Why following through on consequences matters more than threats
How to avoid becoming a helicopter parent while still protecting your kids
If you’ve ever wondered how much freedom is too much or how to help your kids prepare for real life, this conversation is for you.
👉 Question for you: What’s a FAFO moment your kid has had that taught them a lesson? Drop it in the comments!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Anyways, and then we stayed up because we have the retro gaming
stick now and so we stayed up and we played Mario Kart last
night and then Karina played Super Mario 3 for a little bit.
So we had some fun playing stufflast night.
But yeah, I just. I said excuse me.
(00:29):
We're playing with our little plumbers, man.
Whoa, whoa, keeping your pants. Mario and Luigi guys, come on,
get your head out of the. Gut Yeah.
Mario, Luigi. Well, it is Saturday.
Everybody's listening. Welcome back.
This is Fatherhood Unscripted. I'm Alec.
This is DJ. You know, there's times where we
really don't know what we're going to talk about in the
podcast, and we decided today we're going to talk about faffo
(00:52):
parenting. It is on the rise right now.
I saw it on on the TV the other day on the news, this guy
talking about it and just askingif it's right.
And the thing I was like, I was watching it was kind of funny
because I was like, is this not a new thing?
Like this is how I was raised. I was spanked, you know, I was
(01:12):
yelled at. I was, if I messed up, I had to
figure out the consequences of my own actions, you know, and at
some point in the last 34 years,it's transitioned to let's hold
our kids hand through everything, which I listen, I do
the same thing. So I'm not blaming any parents
for doing it, but it has turned into that gentle parenting slash
(01:34):
helicopter parenting. And I do think it could have, it
could be why a lot of people nowadays are scared of a lot of
things. IA lot of people nowadays don't
want to do a lot of things. And then we are seeing a lot of
people not wanting to or not finishing, I guess.
So maybe it's all linked to who knows.
But we're going to talk about fat hole parenting.
(01:55):
If you don't know what it means,it does mean it meant something
else when we were younger. We don't.
We don't. I'm just.
Kidding. It means beep and find out.
No, he's beep around and find out.
Yeah. And now it means.
Beep beep. I didn't know around.
(02:17):
Was a was a bad word. Now it means supposedly figure
out and find out, which is stupid.
Just just use the word we're adults, right?
I mean, as I'm sitting here justnot talking about it.
Yeah. And So what it is, it's allowing
kids to learn from natural consequences instead of constant
parental invention. So it's essentially just when
(02:38):
you feel like, oh, my kids goingto fall off that thing or my
kids going to mess this up royally, you're having that
thought. But because you're having that
thought, you're acting on it even though it hasn't happened.
Let it happen because what's going to happen is your kids
going to learn from that mistakeand they're not going to do it
again. It's like when our kids walk in
the kitchen, the stove's on and you're like, oh, that's hot.
(03:00):
That's hot. Instead of fencing off the
kitchen and not even letting them in the kitchen to prevent
something, let them touch the stove because they're not going
to do it again, right? What are your thoughts, Steve?
Yeah, consequences. They, you know, I, I think too,
(03:21):
just speaking about consequencesin general, like we, we often
say, well, if you don't do this,we're not going to do this or,
and how many times is a parent? You say that, but then in
reality you're going to do it anyways.
So you don't let the natural consequences happen.
So that's one area where this applies because you're not
(03:46):
letting the natural consequenceshappened, you're protecting
them. And I get it because as a loving
parent, that's part of our job, right?
Is to, to protect and to care for them.
But another part, another like big responsibility is to teach
(04:07):
our kids how to navigate throughconsequences instead of always
shielding them from the consequences.
And just like Alex said too, I mean, my son, we told him that
the iron that we iron close with, hey, that's hot.
Well, he looked at it, had an intrusive thought.
We've all been there, had an intrusive thought.
(04:27):
You know, you act on that intrusive thought, you're like,
gosh Dang, I should not have done that.
Well, that's the exact moment hehad.
He his intrusive thought said, Iwonder what would happen if I
touched his iron and he touched it and it burnt the crap out of
his finger. Now we could have.
Whoa buddy, I don't touch. That, but like it was just
(04:50):
taking a split second one. We never want to put our kid in
danger. So that's another thing is like
if they're if it's like, you know, really high up on a
playground, obviously let them stop before falling.
You know, if it's like super tall and that's going to be a
disaster for them. That could end up in a severe
(05:10):
injury. But if it's like, you know,
they're on the bed and they're going to fall off the bed like
you do, warn them, say, hey, if you keep doing this, you're
going to fall. And then if they do it again,
that's the consequence, right? So that was the consequence.
He touched it and he hasn't touched an iron since.
(05:33):
He knows. And that's because he is aware.
And if you, if you definitely protect your kids from
consequences, they will never beaware of what they are.
And so when you grow up, you do things and you're wondering,
well, why is there this consequence to this?
Why is and you don't know how tonavigate the emotional side and
(05:55):
physical side of consequences. That's something that you can
teach your kids in those moments.
So yes, to Alex's point, I am onboard with not being a
helicopter parent. I will say I have a lot of
anxious thoughts and like, Oh mygosh, I don't want them to get
hurt. Like Alex said, you just, you
have those. It's just like way a thing.
(06:20):
If it's some of the things to really get hurt with, then stop
it. If it's like if they're running
around with scissors, you're notgoing to let them run around and
fall and stab their eye. That's just not that.
That's bad parenting. That is not what we're saying.
If, like, you know, they're fighting on the couch and I tell
(06:40):
them if they stand up and, you know, jump and fight, that they
could fall off the couch and they fall off the couch anyways.
Like that's letting that happen.Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's, it's about like, it's not about the danger.
Well, no, no, it yeah, it isn't about danger per SE.
Like we're not obviously lettingour kids like DJ said, no, but
letting them be in stupid dangerous situations.
(07:02):
It's about like controlling the lessons in a way.
Like with my son and daughter. They wrestle like you were
talking about. My daughter knows that my son is
stronger than her. And it always ends up with her
crying. And I tell her every time, hey,
babe, if you're going to fight with your brother, I need you
not to come whining or crying tome because you know, you're
probably going to get hurt. And it happens every time.
(07:25):
So it's like that. It's little things where because
when they get older, it it OK, let's put it this way.
You have to. It's like riding a bike.
OK, at some point you got to take the training wheels off.
Because if you let your kids go through life their whole lives
with the training wheels on, when they become an adult and
move out of your house, they're going to have no idea because
the training wheels are going tofall off and they're going to
(07:46):
have no idea what to do in life.Something bad is going to
happen. They're not going to handle it.
They're going to come back to running to mom and dad, which is
fine. But at some point, your parent,
your parents, your kids are going to have to handle life by
themselves. And So what we have to do as
parents is find that balancing between letting them figure it
(08:07):
out and then also being there tohelp them figuring it out
emotionally. Because it is a big thing to
help your kids figure out their emotions.
So as a parent, that's our big job is to figure out the balance
between how much do I let them get hurt or have the consequence
of their actions versus obviously you need to step in at
(08:30):
some point for some things. And I think that's what it's
about because I must say it straight out.
A lot of parents nowadays are super lazy and they just, I have
been there. Well, I've been at that parent
where I'm like, yeah, just give me a second or you know, I'm
you're going to get spanked or you're going to be in big
trouble if you keep doing that thing.
(08:50):
And then they keep doing the thing and like, OK, you know, I
think that's the, the go to nowadays.
And maybe it is a good thing that, you know, we, we show our
kids like, hey, you know, dad ormom, they said, I'm going to get
in trouble. I'm going to get in trouble if
they say that, because then it grounds you to and it, it backs
(09:11):
up the, the, my parents stuck towhat they said, because that's
the last thing you want is your kids going out.
And they're like, oh, my dad always says he's going to do
stuff, but he never did it because, you know, he's always
threatened me. But I knew I could get away with
whatever I wanted. No, there needs to be
consequences for their actions. And that goes for touching the
iron. They're going to find out it's
hot. That goes for oh, you hit your
(09:34):
sister out of anger. OK, you're going to get spanked
like they're they're the kids need to learn a give and a take,
a Yang and Yang. It's like it has to it's just
the natural order of things versus nowadays where it's like,
oh, it's OK, baby, don't you, you, you're fine.
Don't do it again. It's OK.
Like, you know, I mean, that's like I said, I was spanked as a
(09:57):
kid and you know, I'm not out there beating up people.
Like I think a lot of people I saw, I saw this thing the other
day and it was 2 parents. They're talking about how, you
know, spanking a child is like, there is like, if you want to
another adult and you spanked them, what would happen?
Like, well, you're going to get beat up or something.
Like you're spanking. You're not teaching another
(10:17):
adult lesson. And I think if you're thinking
of spanking as something you do out of anger to your kids,
that's wrong. That's not something you should
be doing. And I'm not saying I'm spanking
my kids everyday. Like I've probably spanked my
kids 3 or 4 times our whole lives.
I'm it's a thing that you use really bad situations in my
(10:42):
book. And we'll probably get a lot of
Flack for talking about how we spank our kids and all this
stuff. But I think it is something that
does help sometimes because it Rakes and realize like, OK, I
don't want that to happen again because I didn't want it to
happen again. You know, I didn't want to be
spanked. But I will give it to my parents
that I did need it sometimes because there was times where I
(11:02):
was a little poop head. That's my my thought on that
portion of today's podcast. Yeah, I I really like the
consequences and backing up whatyou say.
Now I want to caution parents because I've been there and I've
(11:23):
done this very mistake. And so listen up because this is
a great tip that will your kids will listen a lot better.
I almost just stuffed my coffee.The consequence needs to match
the action like if they don't, I'm trying to think of a good
(11:45):
example. I just want a good example of
what we do. So for, for them, they love,
they love to read, they love to do bedtime stuff just like that.
But let's say they're not brushing their teeth, they're
not getting ready for bed. That's another thing.
We, we give them the responsibility, we give them a
(12:05):
task and it's up to them to complete it.
And if they don't complete it, well, the consequence is now
we're spending more time doing this task and we don't have time
to read. So that's one thing to think
about like what is a natural consequence to their actions
versus something way off the therails like like this?
(12:31):
If you if you say the kids are not getting ready to head out
the door, right, You know, kids will be kids and they get into
their mode where they don't wantto do anything.
They just want to play and not get ready to go.
Well, if you say, well, if you don't get ready to go home just
to leave you here by yourself, are you really going to leave a
three-year old by themselves? Is that really the natural
(12:53):
consequence that's going to comeof this?
I don't think so. What you should say is, hey,
look, we were going to go to thepark.
If you do not get ready in the next 5 minutes, we will not have
time to go to the park. The only thing we'll have time
for is maybe the store and then we have to come home.
But I was going to take you guysto the park beforehand.
(13:16):
See, that's a natural consequence.
It cuts in the time we won't have enough time for the
activity that you want to do. So just make that your thing.
And then talking about just creating independent kids
because I feel like there's a lot of codependent kids and I, I
was one of them. You know, my parents, they kind
(13:38):
of did the my mom. So here's here's the deal with
my parents. My dad worked.
There was one time he was working seven 10s like he just
wasn't home. He provided for the family.
My mom, God bless her heart, shegot sick.
I feel like most of my life she was pretty much sick.
(14:00):
Maybe there's like a good five years where it wasn't the case.
But for the most part, she wasn't present because she was
dealing with her own stuff. I don't blame her.
I'm just saying that both my parents weren't all the that
present. They weren't.
And then when they had the energy, it wasn't a ton of it.
(14:20):
So what do they do? They just, you know, gave me
what I wanted and there was no consequences to really my
actions. And you know, like, and I'm not
saying I was a bad kid and it went wild.
You're bad involved. But I, I, I just, I didn't like,
it was almost like I was coddledand then getting into adulthood,
(14:41):
I didn't do anything for myself.I didn't know how to like,
nobody taught me how to cook. Nobody taught me how to pay
bills. Nobody taught me like all the
life skills that you need, whichis I was without and I did a
huge disservice to me. And I'm still having to learn
things to this day, all because in my childhood I wasn't taught.
(15:04):
And so we need to create independent kids.
And something that Jasmine and Ihave done really well, and I
give her a lot of the credit is our kids in the morning.
It's their responsibility to getready.
And I will tell you all three ofthem get themselves dressed and
(15:27):
they've been doing this for a couple years.
So my twins are three. So since a year and a half, two
years where they could walk and get their stuff on themselves,
they've been doing it. Nate's about the same time, 2
years old on, he's 5 now. He's been, he's been doing it
himself. So they know how to get
themselves ready. We also don't jump in right away
(15:49):
when they have a question or they're trying to solve a
problem. We let them think, OK, well,
what's the next action? Well, what do you need to do?
What do you need to find? The thing my wife has done is if
Nate is, like, frantically looking for a shoe, well, you
got to find it. I'm not going to find it for
you. So where did you have it last?
(16:12):
And it just gets them to think about their actions.
OK, if I don't want this to happen again, I got to put my
shoes where I can find them, notjust take them off wherever.
So again, back to the consequences and letting them
face those consequences. It all comes full circle.
And if we're overbearing and helicoptering is the other term,
(16:35):
then they'll never learn. They'll get to adulthood,
they'll be in my shoes and not not know how to do anything.
Nothing that pertains to life. I might as well still have been
attached to the umbilical cord. Lord have mercy.
I didn't know how to do anything.
That is, it is terrible. And I in the moment as a kid, I
(16:56):
was grateful for it. Why?
Because, you know, I was allowedto do whatever and there was no
consequences and I didn't get introuble a whole lot.
And but then as I became an adult, I was like, shoot, I kind
of wish I'd go back to my childhood and tell them to
parent me better. Yeah.
Well, I think like you're saying, you know, there is there
is parts to that are age appropriate.
(17:17):
What's the natural order thing? It's like if your kid hasn't
done their homework, don't like,oh, we got 5 minutes to your
homework. Well, if they have 5 minutes for
school, no, we're we're leaving like you're you're going to have
to fess up to a teacher and likedeal with what happened.
It can be little things like that.
You know, I think what you didn't know I yeah, a lot of us
(17:37):
I think had that issue, like you're saying is where we
weren't taught a lot of stuff that we're going to eat when
we're older and we're not taught7 school.
We're not 7 soon. And this might go on a different
tangent, but I do think it is good that, you know, my kids see
me when I do pay the bills. They see me go online, they see
that stuff, they see that mom works, dad works.
(17:59):
And what comes out of that? And so showing come out of
little things too, where you show your kids that when we do
things in life, this is what happens.
And this, you know, and then like you just said, the natural
order of things. And so if you're just giving
your kid the iPad when they freak out or giving your kid
(18:22):
everything they want, like you just said, he's going to have
kids before they're older, like having no idea what they're
going to do. Like I've seen that with my son,
which unfortunately that's it ismy fault where he'll go, hey, am
I gonna go get this or go do this?
And he'll instantly like not even like a breath.
Can you help me do it? Can Mia help me do it?
(18:43):
Like, no, dude, like you were going to be 10 years old, figure
it out. So that's, that's, you know, a
fail on my end because there wasa portion where I was a really
crappy dad. And now that I am a pretty much
full time dad, you could you seethings that you messed up on
(19:03):
when they were younger? And if so, if that's you're in
the same boat, listen, it's never too late.
Just help them now. Just do what you can now, fix
mistakes. And that is very hard for
parents too, because sometimes we were raised like that.
And so that's the whole point ofthis podcast is to change the
way we were parented and fix it because our kids deserve better
(19:26):
and our kids deserve the parentsthat we feel like sometimes we
didn't have. So I do have a couple questions
just in the in the podcast todaywhere, since we're rolling in on
a little bit for anybody listening, what are sometimes
you felt that you coddled your kids and you didn't let them
experience the the consequences for their actions?
(19:47):
Or like what are sometimes maybeyou felt that as a kid?
And do you think that the fuck around and find out parenting
style is good or bad? I'll just start stuff in the
chat and let us know what you guys think, what your thoughts
are on this. Because for me, I think it's,
(20:07):
it's, it's a good thing for kidsbecause they need those
consequences because when they get older and they move out of
your house, we want to make surethat the best human that they
can be and consequences, having consequences, dealing with our
consequences is part of that being the best human they can be
when they grow up and move out. Because a lot of us wouldn't be,
(20:30):
well, I'd say a lot of us, I mean mine, DJ's generation where
we had to figure a lot of stuff out because that's just how our
parents were. Because that age group, they
definitely were about that Ephron to find out lifestyle.
And it's just been lost somewhere.
So I'm on board with it. I think there are extremists who
(20:52):
completely just beat their children.
If something happens, which I amnot on board with, but I'm also
not on board with, I'm going to catch my kid before anything
happens because or I'm going to bubble wrap my kid.
That's just that. She could Yeti ended up for it
with a nice little bow. Nice little bow.
(21:13):
There's a couple things that, looking at all this real quick
signs you might be a helicopter parent.
Here we go. You feel anxious when your child
isn't in your sight. You step in to fix mistakes
immediately. You track or micromanage every
detail of their day. You feel more invested in their
(21:35):
success than they do. If this is you, I got a couple
tips for you. Some healthy alternatives.
Be a coach, not a controller. Offer tools, encouragement, and
boundaries. Let them fail safely.
Basically what we've talked about this entire time.
But small mistakes now teach biglessons later.
(21:56):
Foster independence. Again, another thing that we
touched on. Gradually give them more
responsibility and focus on longterm character over short term
wins. Skills like patience, empathy
and grit last longer than a perfect grade.
So on that note, just like Alex said, he asked a few questions.
(22:18):
If you feel like this is you, ifyou feel like you have a tip for
somebody else who might be in this boat and you were this boat
a few years ago, but you've changed things, you know,
obviously leave a comment down below, like comment, subscribe,
leave a review. Actually, Alec did bring
something up. I want to say we're so excited
(22:42):
whenever we we get these wins. And so the so the the search
that people do, you know, parenting podcast for a dad.
Well, if you search that, we arecurrently number one on Apple
podcasts. And this is because you guys are
listening to us, You guys are plugging in.
We, we do this for you. We also, you know, selfishly do
(23:06):
this for ourselves too, because we learn a lot by having getting
on and we get that. We basically get that one-on-one
time with them. They they agreed to be on our
podcast. But yes, we can ask them
anything we want. So we ask them things that are
going on our lives secretly, youknow, we're going to throw them
there. Oh, that's for our audience, of
course. No, really it is for you guys.
(23:27):
And we're, we're excited to keepthe momentum.
I think we're the top 10 for Spotify is or are we?
Yeah. Top 10 for Spotify, number one
for our podcast in the category of parenting podcast for dad.
Yeah. So guys, if you are already
subscribed to this, if you know somebody, 'cause you probably do
(23:50):
send it over to them so they canstart diving into this if it's
helped you at any point in this long journey of episodes that we
have. And yeah, guys, we will
definitely see you on the next one.
All right.
Anyways, and then we stayed up because we have the retro gaming
stick now and so we stayed up and we played Mario Kart last
night and then Karina played Super Mario 3 for a little bit.
So we had some fun playing stufflast night.
But yeah, I just. I said excuse me.
(00:29):
We're playing with our little plumbers, man.
Whoa, whoa, keeping your pants. Mario and Luigi guys, come on,
get your head out of the. Gut Yeah.
Mario, Luigi. Well, it is Saturday.
Everybody's listening. Welcome back.
This is Fatherhood Unscripted. I'm Alec.
This is DJ. You know, there's times where we
really don't know what we're going to talk about in the
podcast, and we decided today we're going to talk about faffo
(00:52):
parenting. It is on the rise right now.
I saw it on on the TV the other day on the news, this guy
talking about it and just askingif it's right.
And the thing I was like, I was watching it was kind of funny
because I was like, is this not a new thing?
Like this is how I was raised. I was spanked, you know, I was
(01:12):
yelled at. I was, if I messed up, I had to
figure out the consequences of my own actions, you know, and at
some point in the last 34 years,it's transitioned to let's hold
our kids hand through everything, which I listen, I do
the same thing. So I'm not blaming any parents
for doing it, but it has turned into that gentle parenting slash
(01:34):
helicopter parenting. And I do think it could have, it
could be why a lot of people nowadays are scared of a lot of
things. IA lot of people nowadays don't
want to do a lot of things. And then we are seeing a lot of
people not wanting to or not finishing, I guess.
So maybe it's all linked to who knows.
But we're going to talk about fat hole parenting.
(01:55):
If you don't know what it means,it does mean it meant something
else when we were younger. We don't.
We don't. I'm just.
Kidding. It means beep and find out.
No, he's beep around and find out.
Yeah. And now it means.
Beep beep. I didn't know around.
(02:17):
Was a was a bad word. Now it means supposedly figure
out and find out, which is stupid.
Just just use the word we're adults, right?
I mean, as I'm sitting here justnot talking about it.
Yeah. And So what it is, it's allowing
kids to learn from natural consequences instead of constant
parental invention. So it's essentially just when
(02:38):
you feel like, oh, my kids goingto fall off that thing or my
kids going to mess this up royally, you're having that
thought. But because you're having that
thought, you're acting on it even though it hasn't happened.
Let it happen because what's going to happen is your kids
going to learn from that mistakeand they're not going to do it
again. It's like when our kids walk in
the kitchen, the stove's on and you're like, oh, that's hot.
(03:00):
That's hot. Instead of fencing off the
kitchen and not even letting them in the kitchen to prevent
something, let them touch the stove because they're not going
to do it again, right? What are your thoughts, Steve?
Yeah, consequences. They, you know, I, I think too,
(03:21):
just speaking about consequencesin general, like we, we often
say, well, if you don't do this,we're not going to do this or,
and how many times is a parent? You say that, but then in
reality you're going to do it anyways.
So you don't let the natural consequences happen.
So that's one area where this applies because you're not
(03:46):
letting the natural consequenceshappened, you're protecting
them. And I get it because as a loving
parent, that's part of our job, right?
Is to, to protect and to care for them.
But another part, another like big responsibility is to teach
(04:07):
our kids how to navigate throughconsequences instead of always
shielding them from the consequences.
And just like Alex said too, I mean, my son, we told him that
the iron that we iron close with, hey, that's hot.
Well, he looked at it, had an intrusive thought.
We've all been there, had an intrusive thought.
(04:27):
You know, you act on that intrusive thought, you're like,
gosh Dang, I should not have done that.
Well, that's the exact moment hehad.
He his intrusive thought said, Iwonder what would happen if I
touched his iron and he touched it and it burnt the crap out of
his finger. Now we could have.
Whoa buddy, I don't touch. That, but like it was just
(04:50):
taking a split second one. We never want to put our kid in
danger. So that's another thing is like
if they're if it's like, you know, really high up on a
playground, obviously let them stop before falling.
You know, if it's like super tall and that's going to be a
disaster for them. That could end up in a severe
(05:10):
injury. But if it's like, you know,
they're on the bed and they're going to fall off the bed like
you do, warn them, say, hey, if you keep doing this, you're
going to fall. And then if they do it again,
that's the consequence, right? So that was the consequence.
He touched it and he hasn't touched an iron since.
(05:33):
He knows. And that's because he is aware.
And if you, if you definitely protect your kids from
consequences, they will never beaware of what they are.
And so when you grow up, you do things and you're wondering,
well, why is there this consequence to this?
Why is and you don't know how tonavigate the emotional side and
(05:55):
physical side of consequences. That's something that you can
teach your kids in those moments.
So yes, to Alex's point, I am onboard with not being a
helicopter parent. I will say I have a lot of
anxious thoughts and like, Oh mygosh, I don't want them to get
hurt. Like Alex said, you just, you
have those. It's just like way a thing.
(06:20):
If it's some of the things to really get hurt with, then stop
it. If it's like if they're running
around with scissors, you're notgoing to let them run around and
fall and stab their eye. That's just not that.
That's bad parenting. That is not what we're saying.
If, like, you know, they're fighting on the couch and I tell
(06:40):
them if they stand up and, you know, jump and fight, that they
could fall off the couch and they fall off the couch anyways.
Like that's letting that happen.Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's, it's about like, it's not about the danger.
Well, no, no, it yeah, it isn't about danger per SE.
Like we're not obviously lettingour kids like DJ said, no, but
letting them be in stupid dangerous situations.
(07:02):
It's about like controlling the lessons in a way.
Like with my son and daughter. They wrestle like you were
talking about. My daughter knows that my son is
stronger than her. And it always ends up with her
crying. And I tell her every time, hey,
babe, if you're going to fight with your brother, I need you
not to come whining or crying tome because you know, you're
probably going to get hurt. And it happens every time.
(07:25):
So it's like that. It's little things where because
when they get older, it it OK, let's put it this way.
You have to. It's like riding a bike.
OK, at some point you got to take the training wheels off.
Because if you let your kids go through life their whole lives
with the training wheels on, when they become an adult and
move out of your house, they're going to have no idea because
the training wheels are going tofall off and they're going to
(07:46):
have no idea what to do in life.Something bad is going to
happen. They're not going to handle it.
They're going to come back to running to mom and dad, which is
fine. But at some point, your parent,
your parents, your kids are going to have to handle life by
themselves. And So what we have to do as
parents is find that balancing between letting them figure it
(08:07):
out and then also being there tohelp them figuring it out
emotionally. Because it is a big thing to
help your kids figure out their emotions.
So as a parent, that's our big job is to figure out the balance
between how much do I let them get hurt or have the consequence
of their actions versus obviously you need to step in at
(08:30):
some point for some things. And I think that's what it's
about because I must say it straight out.
A lot of parents nowadays are super lazy and they just, I have
been there. Well, I've been at that parent
where I'm like, yeah, just give me a second or you know, I'm
you're going to get spanked or you're going to be in big
trouble if you keep doing that thing.
(08:50):
And then they keep doing the thing and like, OK, you know, I
think that's the, the go to nowadays.
And maybe it is a good thing that, you know, we, we show our
kids like, hey, you know, dad ormom, they said, I'm going to get
in trouble. I'm going to get in trouble if
they say that, because then it grounds you to and it, it backs
(09:11):
up the, the, my parents stuck towhat they said, because that's
the last thing you want is your kids going out.
And they're like, oh, my dad always says he's going to do
stuff, but he never did it because, you know, he's always
threatened me. But I knew I could get away with
whatever I wanted. No, there needs to be
consequences for their actions. And that goes for touching the
iron. They're going to find out it's
hot. That goes for oh, you hit your
(09:34):
sister out of anger. OK, you're going to get spanked
like they're they're the kids need to learn a give and a take,
a Yang and Yang. It's like it has to it's just
the natural order of things versus nowadays where it's like,
oh, it's OK, baby, don't you, you, you're fine.
Don't do it again. It's OK.
Like, you know, I mean, that's like I said, I was spanked as a
(09:57):
kid and you know, I'm not out there beating up people.
Like I think a lot of people I saw, I saw this thing the other
day and it was 2 parents. They're talking about how, you
know, spanking a child is like, there is like, if you want to
another adult and you spanked them, what would happen?
Like, well, you're going to get beat up or something.
Like you're spanking. You're not teaching another
(10:17):
adult lesson. And I think if you're thinking
of spanking as something you do out of anger to your kids,
that's wrong. That's not something you should
be doing. And I'm not saying I'm spanking
my kids everyday. Like I've probably spanked my
kids 3 or 4 times our whole lives.
I'm it's a thing that you use really bad situations in my
(10:42):
book. And we'll probably get a lot of
Flack for talking about how we spank our kids and all this
stuff. But I think it is something that
does help sometimes because it Rakes and realize like, OK, I
don't want that to happen again because I didn't want it to
happen again. You know, I didn't want to be
spanked. But I will give it to my parents
that I did need it sometimes because there was times where I
(11:02):
was a little poop head. That's my my thought on that
portion of today's podcast. Yeah, I I really like the
consequences and backing up whatyou say.
Now I want to caution parents because I've been there and I've
(11:23):
done this very mistake. And so listen up because this is
a great tip that will your kids will listen a lot better.
I almost just stuffed my coffee.The consequence needs to match
the action like if they don't, I'm trying to think of a good
(11:45):
example. I just want a good example of
what we do. So for, for them, they love,
they love to read, they love to do bedtime stuff just like that.
But let's say they're not brushing their teeth, they're
not getting ready for bed. That's another thing.
We, we give them the responsibility, we give them a
(12:05):
task and it's up to them to complete it.
And if they don't complete it, well, the consequence is now
we're spending more time doing this task and we don't have time
to read. So that's one thing to think
about like what is a natural consequence to their actions
versus something way off the therails like like this?
(12:31):
If you if you say the kids are not getting ready to head out
the door, right, You know, kids will be kids and they get into
their mode where they don't wantto do anything.
They just want to play and not get ready to go.
Well, if you say, well, if you don't get ready to go home just
to leave you here by yourself, are you really going to leave a
three-year old by themselves? Is that really the natural
(12:53):
consequence that's going to comeof this?
I don't think so. What you should say is, hey,
look, we were going to go to thepark.
If you do not get ready in the next 5 minutes, we will not have
time to go to the park. The only thing we'll have time
for is maybe the store and then we have to come home.
But I was going to take you guysto the park beforehand.
(13:16):
See, that's a natural consequence.
It cuts in the time we won't have enough time for the
activity that you want to do. So just make that your thing.
And then talking about just creating independent kids
because I feel like there's a lot of codependent kids and I, I
was one of them. You know, my parents, they kind
(13:38):
of did the my mom. So here's here's the deal with
my parents. My dad worked.
There was one time he was working seven 10s like he just
wasn't home. He provided for the family.
My mom, God bless her heart, shegot sick.
I feel like most of my life she was pretty much sick.
(14:00):
Maybe there's like a good five years where it wasn't the case.
But for the most part, she wasn't present because she was
dealing with her own stuff. I don't blame her.
I'm just saying that both my parents weren't all the that
present. They weren't.
And then when they had the energy, it wasn't a ton of it.
(14:20):
So what do they do? They just, you know, gave me
what I wanted and there was no consequences to really my
actions. And you know, like, and I'm not
saying I was a bad kid and it went wild.
You're bad involved. But I, I, I just, I didn't like,
it was almost like I was coddledand then getting into adulthood,
(14:41):
I didn't do anything for myself.I didn't know how to like,
nobody taught me how to cook. Nobody taught me how to pay
bills. Nobody taught me like all the
life skills that you need, whichis I was without and I did a
huge disservice to me. And I'm still having to learn
things to this day, all because in my childhood I wasn't taught.
(15:04):
And so we need to create independent kids.
And something that Jasmine and Ihave done really well, and I
give her a lot of the credit is our kids in the morning.
It's their responsibility to getready.
And I will tell you all three ofthem get themselves dressed and
(15:27):
they've been doing this for a couple years.
So my twins are three. So since a year and a half, two
years where they could walk and get their stuff on themselves,
they've been doing it. Nate's about the same time, 2
years old on, he's 5 now. He's been, he's been doing it
himself. So they know how to get
themselves ready. We also don't jump in right away
(15:49):
when they have a question or they're trying to solve a
problem. We let them think, OK, well,
what's the next action? Well, what do you need to do?
What do you need to find? The thing my wife has done is if
Nate is, like, frantically looking for a shoe, well, you
got to find it. I'm not going to find it for
you. So where did you have it last?
(16:12):
And it just gets them to think about their actions.
OK, if I don't want this to happen again, I got to put my
shoes where I can find them, notjust take them off wherever.
So again, back to the consequences and letting them
face those consequences. It all comes full circle.
And if we're overbearing and helicoptering is the other term,
(16:35):
then they'll never learn. They'll get to adulthood,
they'll be in my shoes and not not know how to do anything.
Nothing that pertains to life. I might as well still have been
attached to the umbilical cord. Lord have mercy.
I didn't know how to do anything.
That is, it is terrible. And I in the moment as a kid, I
(16:56):
was grateful for it. Why?
Because, you know, I was allowedto do whatever and there was no
consequences and I didn't get introuble a whole lot.
And but then as I became an adult, I was like, shoot, I kind
of wish I'd go back to my childhood and tell them to
parent me better. Yeah.
Well, I think like you're saying, you know, there is there
is parts to that are age appropriate.
(17:17):
What's the natural order thing? It's like if your kid hasn't
done their homework, don't like,oh, we got 5 minutes to your
homework. Well, if they have 5 minutes for
school, no, we're we're leaving like you're you're going to have
to fess up to a teacher and likedeal with what happened.
It can be little things like that.
You know, I think what you didn't know I yeah, a lot of us
(17:37):
I think had that issue, like you're saying is where we
weren't taught a lot of stuff that we're going to eat when
we're older and we're not taught7 school.
We're not 7 soon. And this might go on a different
tangent, but I do think it is good that, you know, my kids see
me when I do pay the bills. They see me go online, they see
that stuff, they see that mom works, dad works.
(17:59):
And what comes out of that? And so showing come out of
little things too, where you show your kids that when we do
things in life, this is what happens.
And this, you know, and then like you just said, the natural
order of things. And so if you're just giving
your kid the iPad when they freak out or giving your kid
(18:22):
everything they want, like you just said, he's going to have
kids before they're older, like having no idea what they're
going to do. Like I've seen that with my son,
which unfortunately that's it ismy fault where he'll go, hey, am
I gonna go get this or go do this?
And he'll instantly like not even like a breath.
Can you help me do it? Can Mia help me do it?
(18:43):
Like, no, dude, like you were going to be 10 years old, figure
it out. So that's, that's, you know, a
fail on my end because there wasa portion where I was a really
crappy dad. And now that I am a pretty much
full time dad, you could you seethings that you messed up on
(19:03):
when they were younger? And if so, if that's you're in
the same boat, listen, it's never too late.
Just help them now. Just do what you can now, fix
mistakes. And that is very hard for
parents too, because sometimes we were raised like that.
And so that's the whole point ofthis podcast is to change the
way we were parented and fix it because our kids deserve better
(19:26):
and our kids deserve the parentsthat we feel like sometimes we
didn't have. So I do have a couple questions
just in the in the podcast todaywhere, since we're rolling in on
a little bit for anybody listening, what are sometimes
you felt that you coddled your kids and you didn't let them
experience the the consequences for their actions?
(19:47):
Or like what are sometimes maybeyou felt that as a kid?
And do you think that the fuck around and find out parenting
style is good or bad? I'll just start stuff in the
chat and let us know what you guys think, what your thoughts
are on this. Because for me, I think it's,
(20:07):
it's, it's a good thing for kidsbecause they need those
consequences because when they get older and they move out of
your house, we want to make surethat the best human that they
can be and consequences, having consequences, dealing with our
consequences is part of that being the best human they can be
when they grow up and move out. Because a lot of us wouldn't be,
(20:30):
well, I'd say a lot of us, I mean mine, DJ's generation where
we had to figure a lot of stuff out because that's just how our
parents were. Because that age group, they
definitely were about that Ephron to find out lifestyle.
And it's just been lost somewhere.
So I'm on board with it. I think there are extremists who
(20:52):
completely just beat their children.
If something happens, which I amnot on board with, but I'm also
not on board with, I'm going to catch my kid before anything
happens because or I'm going to bubble wrap my kid.
That's just that. She could Yeti ended up for it
with a nice little bow. Nice little bow.
(21:13):
There's a couple things that, looking at all this real quick
signs you might be a helicopter parent.
Here we go. You feel anxious when your child
isn't in your sight. You step in to fix mistakes
immediately. You track or micromanage every
detail of their day. You feel more invested in their
(21:35):
success than they do. If this is you, I got a couple
tips for you. Some healthy alternatives.
Be a coach, not a controller. Offer tools, encouragement, and
boundaries. Let them fail safely.
Basically what we've talked about this entire time.
But small mistakes now teach biglessons later.
(21:56):
Foster independence. Again, another thing that we
touched on. Gradually give them more
responsibility and focus on longterm character over short term
wins. Skills like patience, empathy
and grit last longer than a perfect grade.
So on that note, just like Alex said, he asked a few questions.
(22:18):
If you feel like this is you, ifyou feel like you have a tip for
somebody else who might be in this boat and you were this boat
a few years ago, but you've changed things, you know,
obviously leave a comment down below, like comment, subscribe,
leave a review. Actually, Alec did bring
something up. I want to say we're so excited
(22:42):
whenever we we get these wins. And so the so the the search
that people do, you know, parenting podcast for a dad.
Well, if you search that, we arecurrently number one on Apple
podcasts. And this is because you guys are
listening to us, You guys are plugging in.
We, we do this for you. We also, you know, selfishly do
(23:06):
this for ourselves too, because we learn a lot by having getting
on and we get that. We basically get that one-on-one
time with them. They they agreed to be on our
podcast. But yes, we can ask them
anything we want. So we ask them things that are
going on our lives secretly, youknow, we're going to throw them
there. Oh, that's for our audience, of
course. No, really it is for you guys.
(23:27):
And we're, we're excited to keepthe momentum.
I think we're the top 10 for Spotify is or are we?
Yeah. Top 10 for Spotify, number one
for our podcast in the category of parenting podcast for dad.
Yeah. So guys, if you are already
subscribed to this, if you know somebody, 'cause you probably do
(23:50):
send it over to them so they canstart diving into this if it's
helped you at any point in this long journey of episodes that we
have. And yeah, guys, we will
definitely see you on the next one.
All right.
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