October 25, 2023 • 53 mins
Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussions of sexual abuse, rape, drug abuse, and suicidal ideation that some listeners may find disturbing or traumatic. Listener discretion is advised.
Our guest faced immense hardship and trauma starting from a very young age. By her mid-teens, she had endured more than most do in a lifetime. Her powerful story illustrates the human capacity for resilience and redemption. Listen as she recounts her journey through unimaginable obstacles and how she reclaimed her power. Though the road was long, she offers hope and perspective for others traveling their own difficult paths. This profound conversation explores the depths of trauma and healing.
Timeline Summary:
[02:39] A confusing diagnosis at a young age.
[08:31] Another life-altering diagnosis the following year.
[13:26] When the unthinkable started happening.
[16:55] The moment the truth was revealed.
[21:36] New struggles emerge in middle school.
[25:16] Immense pressures young women face.
[25:56] A period of feeling good before tragedy strikes.
[29:24] Blindsided by someone she trusted.
[32:52] Spiraling downward before deciding to turn life around.
[39:25] The seminar that changed everything.
[43:12] Where to turn to start the healing process.
[44:50] Giving back to others on a similar journey.
Resources:
Pathways to Successful Living Seminar - pathwaysseminars.com
Kaylee's journey demonstrates that no matter what hardship you face, you have the power to take control back and transform your life. If this episode resonated with you, please rate, follow, share, and leave a review. Your support helps more people find this podcast and know they're not alone.
If you're digging our stories and loving the ride, do us a solid - rate us, follow the podcast, and share it with your crew. Your reviews mean the world to us and keep us bringing you more f*ck'n authentic stories. Until next time, folks, stay f*ck'n authentic!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nick (00:05):
We unintentionally gave up. Over time we we let
ourselves down. We didn't teachor respect the struggle. Our
value disappeared over timereplaced with masks disguised as
truth. I mean, our words becameempty and our presence became
obsolete. Now we face ourbiggest struggle, and it's time
(00:30):
to rip the masks off. More thanever, it's time to return to our
true selves. Our real identity.
It's time to be fuckingoffensive.
Wells Hello, hello. Hello. Whoa,there's a third person in the
(00:50):
fucking room. Who could that be?
You? You're not gonna saynothing. No, I'm just waiting.
You're just waiting for me tosay so see how it goes. She's
always bitching because I talktoo much. And then when I talk
too much she like looks at me ormouth is just like,
Nancy (01:04):
Oh Allah. No, she's very interesting. She's
Nick (01:07):
okay. So we know it's a she. There we go. Okay, so today
we have Kaylee with us. And it'sfunny, because how did we meet
Kaylee we met because I wantedto get my vehicle wrapped for
this podcast. And lo and behold,who comes out of the woodwork?
(01:29):
Kaylee Haley. Man, it was sofunny because we like, I think
when we started talking, itseemed like I have known you for
a long fucking time. It waspretty cool. Yeah. So of course,
we get the vehicle done. Shedoes a great job. And we went
out to lunch one day, and Ithought, Man, you got a pretty
interesting fucking story.
You're like, what did we say? Amedical shitshow?
Nancy (01:53):
Oh, yes. There's a lot more. I'm just like, wow, that's
DMZ.
Nick (02:04):
heard a little bit we actually had some dinner before
this and Nancy heard a littlebit Nancy sitting there like
almost like our fate. If youjust see your face, right? If we
were taping this, or you know,showing it on video, you would
see it but she was just the jawdrops. So let's get into this.
Because when we say medical shitshow, so there's a few things
going on in your young 25 yearslife so far. She's only 25.
(02:31):
Okay, so 55 and I saw some shit.
Unknown (02:35):
for that. Let's stick with the 25 year old right?
Nick (02:39):
What interested me obviously, we went out to lunch,
and we're having lunch. Andthere are a few things we talked
about. And then there was onething we didn't talk about which
we're going to do today. Ireally found it interesting
because I do have a cousin whois young daughter is a type one
diabetic. And through socialmedia, and through seeing them
that she had struggled reallybad when she was younger. Now
(03:02):
she's so 11 I think 11 or 12.
Much better, obviouslytechnology. Yeah, for sure. But
it was so sad to see, you know,you just almost felt being a
child what that might be like,so explain that to us a little
of sort of that journey. Whatdid you find out first? Because
you have celiac? Yeah. You're atype one diabetic, not type two.
(03:24):
What came first? How did how didthose because you were quite
young when you found that?
Kaylee (03:31):
Yeah, I originally found out when I was six years old,
pretty typical symptoms for adiabetic. But for those that
don't know, it can be likeinvoluntary urinating and being
super dehydrated and just notbeing able to like, feel really
good. It's almost like havingthe flu, which actually it is
sometimes misdiagnosed for theflu. But that kind of started
(03:55):
transpiring. And my my worstsymptom, I remember was just
being so thirsty all the time.
And both of my parents arenurses. So my mom had this
figured out pretty quickly andsaid, you know, to my dad, I
think she's diabetic. And he'slike, No, absolutely not totally
in total denial. Lo and behold,a day later went to the doctor
(04:16):
and tested my blood sugar. Andit was, I don't know, somewhere
in the five or 600 range and wassent to the I was six years old
and was sent to the hospital andspent a couple days there and
learned really just how to livemoving forward, which I remember
at the time didn't feel likeoverwhelmingly impactful. Like I
was pretty content. I was veryhappy in the hospital. Actually
(04:38):
they had a lot of fun activitiesfor kids and I get to have
chocolate cake which is such amisconception for diabetics
because a lot of people thinkthat type one diabetics can't
have sugar which that is not thecase. Because you can just bolus
insulin and eat pretty muchwhatever you want. And obviously
healthy but nothing crazy. So Igot to the hospital on my first
(05:00):
night and you're like, here'schocolate cake and some
painting. And I was like, okay,like, yeah, it really was. So it
was it was a lot of fun and thenjust kind of dealt with it. And
you know, a lot of it, I feellike in some ways is easier to
get diagnosed as a child opposedto like a teenager, or young
adults, because they have yearsof experience of their lives
(05:20):
where they're considered for allintensive purposes, normal. And
I don't have a whole lot ofmemory of not being diabetic.
But I remember before gettingdiagnosed slightly, and what
that felt like in the freedomthat it felt like and I remember
thinking, Oh, nothing bad willever happen to me, which as a
child is a very common thoughtprocess, right? And I remember
(05:43):
the day I was diagnosed, I thatthat feeling just disappeared
and was like, well, things dohappen to people. And this is
something that
Nick (05:52):
so it was a different lesson. So not only were you
diagnosed as a diabetic, but nowyour whole mindset. Obviously,
at six, you're not realizingthat. So now as you get
Kaylee (06:06):
older, yeah, hits affect you somehow, like, I mean,
sports or I don't know, spendinga night at someone's house, or
Yeah, that was a lot of that wasmore like, kind of difficult, I
would say I had a lot ofguidance from my mom. And she
tried really, really hard tomake sure that I was still
included in stuff like going tobirthday parties and sleepovers
(06:27):
and doing all this other stuff.
But really, I mean, like,there's a really big part as I
think any parent wouldexperience of terror. And not
only is your child now not inyour presence, but they have a
chronic illness that can turn inany second and you don't wake
up, you know, or the Guardiandoesn't know how to handle a
type one diabetic child, andsome of them just aren't
(06:48):
comfortable with it. And how doyou deal with that? You know,
when in the air a, right?
Nick (06:54):
Was it something because you said six? So was it
something? Do you remember? Yousaid you don't remember being
diabetic? Before that obviously,did it just it just came out?
All of a sudden, were you justmore aware of something
happening? Because you got a Uturn a little older? Obviously,
you don't remember any of thatbefore like feeling? I guess you
were just a kid. So I guess howwould you think that you're
(07:15):
feeling any different?
Kaylee (07:16):
Yeah, I mean, I remember the symptoms, mostly, you know,
just feeling like really justsick, quite honestly. And being
like, Okay, well, this is kindof bizarre, but in my head, I
didn't really consider it superstrange. I was just like, Oh, I
just don't feel good, you know.
And then that turned into, oh,well, this is a chronic illness.
But at the time that didn'treally dawn on me of really what
that meant. Until I got a littleolder. Yeah. And like I handled
(07:40):
it really well as a child. LikeI did all of my own shots and
all of my checking triggers anddoing all that which some kids
really, really do struggle withand you know, can't handle the
needle aspect of it, which Imean, who really wants to get
poked and prodded all the time,right. But that part never
really faze me a whole lot. Ijust sort of handled it and was
like, Okay, well, this is justyou know, how to know how it's
(08:02):
gonna
Nick (08:04):
be. Yeah. So okay, so we have type one diabetes, six
years old. You're handling it,and then a fucking year later,
like one year later, right. Andyou're you can eat whatever you
want. You could do right, you'retype one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All
right. We're done. But no, no.
Because a year later, you gethit with something else. Yeah.
(08:25):
Tell us about that. Yeah. Thisis why we say the medical
shitshow Yes.
Kaylee (08:31):
Oh, yeah. There's, there's a lot there. It's
definitely. So diabetes is aautoimmune disease. So sometimes
what can happen with that is youhave other autoimmune issues,
which I definitely do. Butyou're later I was seven and was
diagnosed in a hospital in Mainefor celiac disease, which is
(08:52):
very commonly known today asbeing gluten free, which most
people would probably think is adietary preference, but for me,
it isn't. Yeah, it's an allergyfor me. So there's definitely a
difference between celiac andgluten free but went to a
specialty hospital and at thetime, it was like totally rare
and undiagnosed and wasn't likea thing and, and they told me
(09:14):
that I had celiac and that thatwas why I was still having some
complications. I was havingthyroid issues and waking
problems. And obviously, that'snot normal between a six and a
seven year old. So we diagnosethat and then realized a little
while later that my entiregenetic line has this. So my
family is all celiac. And thisis mostly affiliated with my
(09:37):
direct family, mom, dad,siblings, etc. But I do have
quite a few aunts, uncles,cousins, etc. that all have the
same thing.
Nick (09:46):
Like it just the whole idea, okay, between six and
seven, celiac disease and typeone, but I'm just going back to
the gluten free thing just sortof blows me away because it's
like, to me, right, I'm justlike, all of a sudden, everybody
is fucking allergic to peanuts.
Everybody's got some gluten freething, right? Intolerance is all
over the fucking place. Nobodycan eat dairy anymore. Like,
(10:07):
what the fuck is going on? Like,and I say that just brag we're
laughing and sort of we'retalking about it. It's a real
thing. But so Where's thiscoming? I mean, where's this
coming from? I'm still askingthe question. I'm sorry. We do,
but we're, you know, it's there.
(10:27):
You know, both of your parentsare Yeah. Right. So I'm not
saying that this isn't realstuff. Yeah, at all. Are we
eating? What is going on? Idon't know. I mean,
Kaylee (10:36):
I think I truly do think it's in the way that food is
processed in Americaspecifically, like there are
these issues in other countries,obviously. But it doesn't seem
to be as impactful. Like I mean,we just look at the obesity rate
in America. And it's like, okay,well, Where's that coming from?
Like, why is it that we don'tknow how to regulate food? And
why is it that people are bingeeating or not eating at all? Or
(11:01):
like, where is that coming from?
And I think in in large part,it's first because we don't have
the tools to learn how to eatcorrectly and healthy, and what
that looks like, but also, whatare we actually putting in our
bodies? And like, that'ssomething that I've always just,
yeah, the choices that we'remaking, but also, it's like, you
make a choice to eat healthy,and is it really healthy? What
(11:21):
is what on that right piece offruit that you're getting? Even
if it says organic? Like whatdoes that actually mean? What do
you know? Right, right.
Nick (11:31):
Well, it was funny, because when you said that, I
was watching this you ever heardof Gary brecha? So Gary breco is
a biohacker. He's, he's ascientist. Yeah, literally bio
hacks. And he's like, you know,the superhuman, right? And he
was saying that even justbecause it says organic, right?
Yeah. Doesn't mean reallyanything. Yeah. So it's just
(11:52):
blowing me away. Because youhave the internet is filled with
all these fucking people. And Heeven calls them the bros on
fucking thing who say, Yeah, yougot to do this. And he's like,
it's just bullshit. It's like,straight up bullshit. And it's
just so confusing.
Unknown (12:07):
Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. So we
Nick (12:09):
could that's another whole fucking I'm sorry. I just
Kaylee (12:13):
is silly. Like, what?
What is it? You're so and so Ican't eat like wheat, barley and
oats is the main because if youdo what, so it's different for
everybody. But for me, I can'tdigest it. So celiac is when you
can't digest those products. Sowhen you eat them, you your body
gets rid of them in one way oranother. So for me, it is like
violently throwing up andusually that's for like, a
(12:36):
couple of hours, but I feelpretty terrible for like two
days. But for other people thatcan be you know, the less
attractive. I mean, not thatthrowing up is really
attractive, but like diarrheaand like that whole kind of, you
know, concept and it's far moremainstream now. But I mean,
right.
Nick (12:55):
Okay, so she's alright.
Thank you for listening. Weappreciate it. So, six years
old, type one, seven years oldceliac, you're going through all
this stuff. You're living yourlife, you're you're fucking
fighting it. You start gettingolder into the double digits.
(13:16):
High School turns a littlerough. Something else happens
though. Right? And your life?
Yeah, yeah. Well, how old? Wereyou at this point?
Kaylee (13:26):
I was like, eight, nine and 10 when this was half. So
you know, I think actually, itwas like, I was good. An eight.
I mean, it was my own history, Idon't even know.
Nick (13:46):
So this gets to be a little bit more personal,
obviously. And it's it'sactually pretty sad in its own
right. But explain what happenshere.
Kaylee (13:55):
I have done a lot of just mental health and focus on
that area. And that wasintroduced to me after there was
a neighbor of mine that was achild pedophile. And I didn't
obviously, as a nine year olddidn't know this was kind of
happening. But we were redoingour house. My parents were
(14:17):
redoing the house andredecorating it and it was a
huge, huge project. And our nextdoor neighbor happened to be a
contractor and he was also achild pedophile. And we didn't
know that obviously at the time.
So we have two other siblingsand all were in some capacity
abuse. Yeah, mine was notnecessarily in a sexual
orientation, though. It could beconsidered that way but it was
(14:41):
more of like touching and givingmassages and like that kind of
stuff. My sister was moretargeted because she was a
little quieter and moreintroverted and didn't really
speak out as much where I wasquite exuberant as a child. You
can tell Oh, I know right, likecrazy. So we have three years.
(15:01):
Yeah. Yeah. So it was it was arough time for sure. So my
parents found out and realizethe extent of what was really
going on. And I mean, at thispoint this guy was, so I think
he was 3435 years old, and wasobviously our neighbor. So it
was like at dinner and, youknow, was really included in the
(15:23):
family and was just anotherfamily member, right? Like, he
could walk in the front door andwould just be like, hey, you
know, how's it going? And whatto do it two or three? Yeah, so
like, a lot of it was justshowing porn and talking
inappropriately, and that kindof stuff. And then just my
sister really got more of thebrunt end of it. But I mean,
(15:43):
it's her story, obviously, I'llleave that for her to share. But
for me, it was just really cuzit was really confusing time.
Like, it didn't understand itwas my first introduction to
what sex was and how thathappened in a relationship and
why why this man would beattracted to, let's see how old
was she like, 1314 at the time.
And that didn't make sense tome. And on top of that, like he
(16:05):
would wear women's bras andunderwear. And we were all very
aware of that. It was soconfusing. I was like, I don't
understand why a man would wouldwear that. Like, that doesn't
make any sense. He was like,very overweight. So in my
childhood brain, I was like,it's because he needs he needs
support he needs I really didbelieve that. And I was like,
(16:28):
That man, bro. I was like, youneed some work? I don't know.
Again, or age. So yeah, it wasit was a very confusing time and
was just really like, how didyour parents find out? My
brother was talking to him onthe phone. And wait, so he
turned to your brother as well?
Yeah, he was involved in that,as well. Really? Yeah. So 203?
(16:50):
Yeah.
Nick (16:55):
I mean, if he's that kind of person. I mean, I guess it
doesn't matter if there's threeor five
Kaylee (17:00):
or Yeah, I mean, seriously, it's like access,
right. And he had, he had a lotof access. And that was the
easiest thing to target. Anyoneyou know what I mean? But my
brother was on the phone withhim and was crying and I knew he
was crying. And I could see himfrom my room. And I remember I
remember this moment, actuallyso vividly. I went downstairs to
get my mom said he was on thephone with with Mike, like, you
(17:21):
need to come stop this fromhappening. And I didn't know
this at the time. But I know nowas an adult, that my sister had
been talking to my mom, andthere were things that she was
saying that were just like, Why?
Why are you saying that? Like,that's really strange. You know,
like, I don't quite understand.
And not that my mom's like,thought it was strange. She was
more just concerned, you know?
And like, Okay. And then thishappened where I was on the
(17:43):
phone with him. And she ranupstairs and took the phone and
was like, he's no longer in ourlives. And shortly after that,
we went to the police and, youknow, did the whole court thing
and, yeah, so it was a roughtime. It was a very rough time.
Using it was a very confusingtime. Yeah, I think I think
there was a long term effects onthat, for sure. I was gonna say,
(18:03):
I just listened to a podcastabout this. Yeah, it's very,
yeah. It affects these kids.
Yes. Yes. Most family. Yeah.
It's funny. Like, I, I listen,and I hear I'm super like, aware
of just like, children and howchildren are raised. And like
what happens, and I read aboutall this stuff, like psychology
and all these things that happento kids that have been sexually
(18:24):
abused. And it's so funny,because it feels like it's not
even my own. Like, I'm like, oh,other children that have been
sexually abused. And I'm like,Oh, I am one of those, like,
children that has had thatexperience. Like, this doesn't
lie. And then sometimes I'llread stuff where I'm just like,
Oh, my God, I totally feel thatway. Like that totally shows up
in my life in like, weird,strange kind of ways where it's
just like, Oh, my God, I can'tbelieve that. That's from the
(18:45):
abuse. Like that's from Wow,that how many went on for three
years? Yeah, it was like a twoor three kind of timeframe.
Yeah, that's crazy. Okay.
Nick (18:55):
So, I mean, sometimes when I talk about this, I don't want
to feel like I'm being lighthearted about anything. But I
mean, it's just so Do yourealize what you went through?
So like, I don't even overthough? No. But I'm saying
there's still more and I'msaying that we we talked about
this on on other podcasts aboutourselves and about how we've
(19:18):
been through things. You gothrough things in life, and you
don't even it's not that wedon't give ourselves credit,
because we don't like I said, atone time, I don't feel that I
was a victim. Because to me, itwas just normal, right? i You
can't feel that your victim ifyou felt it was normal,
Kaylee (19:34):
to think and feel that it's normal. Yes. You're going
to
Nick (19:38):
feel that it's normal. And then as time goes on, we realize
that there are things thatshaped the way we think and the
way that we as we get older, andwe can we can say that it was
specifically because of that ormaybe part of it. But I think
part of the things that we don'tgive ourselves so I said do you
realize like, I don't care ifyou were raised in the shoe his
(20:00):
fucking neighborhood in theshittiest family or if you were
fed with a silver spoon in yourmouth? I mean, everybody has
been. I don't want to sayeverybody's been traumatized. I
don't want to. But I guesseverybody has been traumatized
at some point for something. Youknow,
Kaylee (20:17):
what is trauma? You know, like, we could get the
exact question and
Nick (20:22):
whatever I'm saying that the way people feel we don't
write the way that they feel,right. And that's where, you
know, even with our own side, wethought, hey, we raised a great
kid, and we did raise a greatkid. But we obviously had
contributed to some sort oftrauma. And you don't think that
but to admit it is even worse?
When someone finally and thereason why I'm saying this is
(20:43):
because I understand even morewith with my son, I mean, you're
young, you're 25. And you, youseem like you had a good family
life, your parents? You knowwhat I mean? Yeah. But it wasn't
just about your parents. No. Andso that's where I think that
people even on this podcast,where we try to talk about shit
happens to people all the time.
(21:05):
And we that's what makes usdifferent individuals have
different experiences, and to beable to have a place where you
can actually share them. Like,there's no judgment. And I'm
sure as a kid, if you're havingbeing molested, and I guess
there's obviously there's wideranges of Right, right, that
people shouldn't be ashamed.
Right, for what happened to themas a child. Hey, it happened.
(21:27):
It's something that you learnedfrom and move on. But the thing
is, is that this is not evenword ended. Right. Right.
Kaylee (21:36):
Now you're loving 12.
Yeah, I was like, I mean, like,I went through, like middle
school, middle school wasstarted, like some of the issues
with like, the diabetes. I hadbeen living with it for a while
I had a full understanding ofwhat it meant for the rest of my
life. And at that point, likethe that is key right there.
Yeah. For the rest. Yeah. Yeah.
(21:59):
Yeah. Which is? Yeah, I mean,the type one a lot of people
don't really understand, like,chronic, you have like different
stages, I feel like have chronicillness. Mine is very every day,
and every minute of every day,and what am I going to eat? If I
eat this for breakfast? Whatdoes that mean? In the next two
(22:19):
hours? Am I going to go low? AmI going to go high? What is
going to happen there? What ifI, am I having a hormonal thing?
What if I'm on my period? Whathappens with that? How do I
handle that? What if I get acold or the flu, or something
else that's going to impacteverything? And it's like one
thing works one day, and then ithas to be completely altered and
(22:39):
change for the next day. Andbeing on top of that, and it's
it's called a burnout disease?
See, it's like, you can't Yeah,can you breathe? It's a burnout
disease, for sure. So like,there are some some diabetics
that just try and it's notworking, or they get frustrated,
or they don't have a goodsupport system, or it's just
exhausting. And they say, youknow, I don't really want to
(22:59):
deal with this right now. And,you know, take the day, and then
what happens is long term issueswith your body. But I started to
figure some of that out andunderstood what it meant. And
the word normal kept coming upfor me of just being I am not
normal. I was surrounded bypeople that were like, Oh,
you're different, and you'renot, you know, the same and a
lot. Being a teenager, and yeah,and a lot of that like teasing,
(23:24):
you know, kids stuff where it'slike, oh, well, that's bizarre,
and you know, different. Right,right. And it's like, what's the
things on your arm? And like,Why do you have that? And, you
know, and it doesn't seemdetrimental when you talk about
it like this, right? As anadult, you're like, oh, okay,
you know, that makes sense. Andwhatever. But in a child's
perspective, I was like, really,like, Oh my God, I am so
(23:46):
isolated in this in this moment,and like, dealing with the
sexual abuse stuff, and then thediabetes and being in a social
environment, that's not superaccepting, as I'm sure anyone
with kids probably knows, asthey have grown up, that can be
definitely a struggle. So youknow, it was that sort of
experience. So a lot of mydiabetes kind of stuff turned in
like middle school and highschool I stopped following the
(24:09):
celiac diet, which was reallybad. So gained a lot of weight
and was really bloated, hadseizures and issues from that,
which were all related to theceliac not following that diet.
And then the diabetes just sortof fell from that. Like, I
didn't want to check my bloodsugars, and I didn't want to
deal with the technology. And Iwas like, well, this entire
totally burnt out. Yeah,depression and suicidal thoughts
(24:30):
really shortly followed afterthat, or just being like, what
is the point? Why do I have todeal with this every day? whole
question of why me kept comingup. Whereas like, Why do I have
to deal with this and like, mysiblings don't like, why did
that fall on me? So a lot ofthat in high school, like a lot
of just coming to grips withthis is my body and how do we
learn how to love it? And I wasnot there at that time, for
(24:52):
sure. But have definitely I'mvery pleased to have to have
that kind of mindset of how dowe love our bodies? today and
how do we focus on like positivebody imaging and like all that
other stuff that that can bereally hard? You know, I think
it's hard for just people,women, especially just in
general, okay, there are thingsI don't like now add a chronic
illness on top of that. Yeah,like, Okay.
Nick (25:16):
Well, and that sucks, period. I mean, just even
society in general. Yeah. Rightfor women society in general, is
that you're always having tolook around and look at
yourself. And look, you knowwhat I mean? It's so fucked up.
I mean, I see dudes all thetime. And they're all just
walking around with big fuckingguts. Just like, fucking normal.
Fucking beard. You know what Imean? It's almost like Yeah,
(25:37):
yeah, for women. I mean, I thinka lot has changed. I think
there's, for sure. We're talkingabout you now, in high school,
which was not that long ago, butlong enough ago to where we've
changed a little bit. Butsomething else happened in high
school that just then added tothis whole fucking thing. Yeah.
Kaylee (25:56):
So I was in the process of graduating, I had my life
together. I was like, so happy.
My junior and senior year, I hadlike, started coming terms with
everything. I was going tograduate early, which he did.
And was just really happy to getout of that environment, quite
honestly, was my motivation tograduate early. I was like, This
man. Exactly. Yeah, literally,and was super, super happy, was
(26:17):
really physically fit and justlike really feeling good.
Nick (26:22):
So from the time where you were suicidal, and why you and
all that, yeah, so what sort ofbroke that mold them? So still
in high school? What broke? Me?
Yeah, for
Kaylee (26:31):
sure. So I was in EMDR therapy, and like, sort of
during that time, so it wasbetween middle school and, and
high school that I was sort ofgoing through that. And it's
essentially for PTSD, that helpsyou kind of come to terms with a
lot of the things that are goingon in your life. So they use
this a lot with like, veterans,and like, how much PTSD they
experienced was very similar.
For me, I got really, reallygood effects after that, like
(26:54):
just really came to terms withsort of the sexual abuse and
kind of what was happeningthere. And I had an
understanding of that in somecapacity, I think, where it was
just like, Okay, this issomething that happened, that
doesn't mean that I am going tobe sexually abusing other
people. Because in my, in myyoung age, that's where I
thought it was like, oh, becauseI was sexually abused. I will
(27:14):
sexually abuse people, obviouslynot the case. But in my head. I
was like, that's, that's what'sgoing to happen, you know, and,
you know, the involuntaryresponsible, I don't want to do
that. But like, what does thatmean, you know, when, and that
whole, that whole thing. So Ihad, I just went through a ton
of support, and had so muchsupport from so many different
people. And I had awesome, justgreat family really supportive
(27:37):
of the whole situation. So thatwas really, really good. And
then my mom obviously, reallyhelped with the diabetes stuff
through that, of course, at thetime, I didn't think that I was
like, Oh, my God, overbearinghelicopter parent, but and that,
and that puts a strain on yourrelationship. But yeah, but she
really did save my body in atime where I wasn't taking care
(27:57):
of it, until I got to a placewhere I was okay enough to be
like, Okay, I can handle someresponsibility here. I can start
doing some things here. And theevolution of technology and
diabetes really sort of assistedthat.
Nick (28:12):
It sounds it's come a long way. Yeah. So then you got out
of it, and you're feeling good.
And you're fucked. You're,you're on top of the fucking
world. Yeah, you're about tograduate, you're doing whatever.
And bam. Yeah, you can hitagain. Yeah, for sure. Tell us
about that. Yeah. So
Kaylee (28:28):
I think a lot of people that have been abused in some
capacity, kind of subconsciouslydraw abusers to them in some
way. And there's been a ton ofstudies on this and how this
happens, and why this happens,and so on. And that was
definitely my case. I was I wasfeeling great. So I was like,
I'm going to start dating.
Again, that feeling of like, oh,you know, this is gonna be
(28:50):
totally fine. And everything'sgood. And you know, and I met
this guy, he came into my work,and he was like, you know,
you're really beautiful. Like,let's go on a date. And we went
on a date. And that date veryquickly turned into something
that I didn't want to havehappen where he actually did end
up raping me. And I felt at thetime, really just like, shocked,
totally shocked at like, I can'tbelieve this is like happening
(29:13):
right now. And this is superstrange. And this is like one of
my first sexual experiences. Soyour first sexual wasn't my
first but what
Nick (29:24):
I'm saying your first when I say your first you know, that
doesn't matter either way. Butwhat I'm saying is that you're
at a point where you workthrough all this shit, you're
doing your thing you're, you'reyou're on top of the world, you
you sort of have an idea of whatyou want to do on a path. And
here you make a choice, right?
And not knowing that that choiceis going to turn into what it
(29:44):
does. And now you fail you getraped by this fucking guy. I
don't even know what to sayabout that. I'm putting together
in my mind here. We've beentalking chronologically since
six years old, right, and I'mtrying to go through my mind of
how I felt as a child beingabused. And I am just blown
(30:08):
away. Because to me, my abusedoesn't seem like anything. And
we're
Kaylee (30:14):
either going to, I don't know, you're either going to be
pissed off and go in onedirection, or you're going to be
like,
Nick (30:21):
so what happened? First of all, what happened? This fucking
guy,
Kaylee (30:24):
nothing, actually, I didn't do I didn't do anything
about it, I was really in astate of shock. By the time I
was coming around to being like,I should probably do something
about this, it felt to me sortof useless. And I just never
really got there, I figured thatit was more useful to spend my
(30:45):
energy dealing with what Ineeded to deal with, with my
mental health afterwards, thengoing after him. And that's what
I'm saying, you have to make achoice.
Nick (30:57):
It was just amazing, though, to me that even at that
age, you decided to, which isreally fucking awesome, because
here we are at 55 years old. Andwe're just finally realizing
that we really need to makechoices to take care of
ourselves. And in here you areat 18 or 17 years old, making
those same choices, which isawesome, which, which says a lot
(31:19):
to who you are. But I mean, ittakes a lot to say, Well, fuck
that, I'm going to take care ofmyself, right, I'm just going to
Kaylee (31:28):
I, I really believe in taking your power back. And when
you give your power to someonein whatever capacity that is,
you know, and it can be throughrape, it can be through sexual
abuse. And I mean, it can be alot of different things, it can
be giving your power to yourboss at work, it can be so I
mean, obviously rape and sexualabuse are like the extremes of
this, right. But I mean, it canbe to your mother and not
(31:51):
standing up for yourself, or,you know, whatever it ends up
being. And at the time, I just,I mean, there was definitely
some some years packed in therewhere I was not doing that. But
in my head, I was just, I wasn'treally in a state initially,
where I was like, I didn't evenreally process what was
happening, or really called itrape initially, because I was
just like, that didn't happen.
Like that was just bad sex, youknow, like, is how I originally
(32:13):
thought about it. And thenafterwards, and I had gotten
some help, kind of after this,which we can get into a little
bit later, where I startedactually saying the word rape
and being like, Okay, well,that's actually what this was,
and was not consensual sex, andlike, you know, all this other
kind of stuff. But it took me areally long time to actually get
there and be like, Oh, okay. Andby that point, I was like, I am
(32:34):
done with with him and thatportion, and I'm going to deal
with what I need to deal with.
So like, definitely sort of anevolution of mind processing
kind of there. But yeah, yeah.
But even after all this, youstill went to school? You went
to college? Yeah. Like,
Nick (32:52):
scratching your head. So I think I just went through a lot
of stuff on Nancy's face thatshe's, she's a little. So you
know, people go through a lot inlife, right? And then what they
do is they wind up playing thevictim. Yeah. Right. And then
they wind up using everythingthat happens to their detriment.
And then they they continue thecycle. And then they wonder at
(33:16):
the end of all this time, whythe fuck, you know, am I who I
am, right? And Nancy's face thatI can see here after knowing her
for 34 years is like, so evenafter all this? Because we know,
you know, right? We know thatyou're, you know, you're a
strong fucking woman, you're. Imean, I'm sure we all have our
days. And that's awesome. And soit's like, where did you find
(33:39):
the strength? Like the ability?
Now? I know you had people back.
Yeah. But it doesn't matter.
See, that's the thing that we'velearned in this whole thing with
our son is that it doesn'tmatter who's backing you or
anything anybody says. You haveto fucking find. Oh, my God.
Yeah. So it doesn't someonecould say you need to make the
right choices, or you need tomake this decision. But if
you're not fucking strong, andyou're not doing that for
(34:01):
yourself, right, it doesn'tmatter. What gave you the Yeah.
So again. What? What pushed youto just keep fighting? I mean,
cuz it's obvious that that'swhat you did. Yeah.
Kaylee (34:19):
I mean, there was a while there were I didn't, I
turned more to drugs and alcoholto kind of get me through like
the day to day life. I waskicked out of my house and got
an apartment. And my parentswere very, very kind and still
paid and helped me pay for that.
Because at the time, I didn'tmake enough to actually afford
that. But I moved in with myboyfriend at the time, who was
for all intensive purposes, aprotective figure. And the
(34:42):
reason I was dating him was forthat safety and kind of comfort
that I really needed that Iwasn't willing to give myself.
And so by the time that I was ina place where I was like, okay,
I think I can handle this bymyself, you're no longer
benefiting me. In some ways, Idon't see that like a, like
(35:06):
benefiting you my soul. Like itjust wasn't benefit in like a
shallow way but like, right,right, right. You know, I felt
like my soul was just like notgetting what I needed out of a
relationship. People just think,Oh, it's a relationship, you
know, that added it up but I'mlike, I was looking for
something that helped my soulgrow. And I want someone that
does that yeah meaningful andjust really like, and I knew
(35:27):
that I wasn't going to get thatfrom him. I still like I just
adore him as a person. Likethere were definitely issues in
that relationship and unhealthyhabits that were going on. But
he really did love me and Ireally did love him. It just for
me, I knew that if I needed tobe where I needed to be in my
life, it wasn't going to be withhim. So that was really what I
would call my break. I took abreak from my life a little bit.
(35:51):
And then I just got to a statewhere I was like, I'm ready to
be back. Okay.
Nick (35:57):
That's cool. Yeah. But what was that defining moment,
though? There was like, peoplecan be like, Man,
Kaylee (36:12):
I just need this. No, no, no, no. That was just like a
sort of slow
Nick (36:17):
mo okay. It's not like you wake up the next morning and
you're like,
Kaylee (36:24):
right, this ties into the relationship, which is why I
bring it up. So I I was still incollege at this point, and was
just starting to kind of getback into it. Because I had
dropped out for a little while.
I was like, fuck this, I don'twant to do that. And then I was
like, Okay, I need something inmy life, that's gonna help me
kind of get through some stuff.
And like, the rape was a bigpart of that, but I didn't
really think of it at the time.
You know, backburner, right?
(36:45):
Like, which is just completedenial. But I talked to an old
therapist of mine, and she waslike, go try this program called
Pathways to successful living.
And I was like, I don't want togrow like this. This sounds just
like, God, whatever, likepersonal growth. Who wants to do
that, you know, I'm just like,really negative reaction to
(37:06):
that. Kaylee, Go, just go do thestupid seminar. Okay. So really,
why I had gone was I was tryingto figure out how to break up
with my boyfriend and not, youknow, totally crushed his soul
and the purpose and the process.
Oh, no, not really, but kind ofI was like, completely. I really
(37:27):
was, I was like, please justlike, say it in a way that's not
going to be like totally heartwrenching, there's no good way
to do that, by the way. And Iwent into the seminar, and it
completely changed my life. Ijust was, like, blown away. It's
so funny. You sit down, and youtalk to people about true and
real shit. And then you get thislike, beautiful space of
(37:47):
connection and understanding.
And, you know, some of the pettystuff just sort of goes away.
And the more openly you share,the more openly people were will
receive and understand and getto a place where it's like, Oh,
I feel your soul, I feel yourenergy coming off and knowing
that it's authentic and so on.
But I went into the seminar, andthe person that runs a seminar.
(38:08):
Her name is Sue Paige, and sheis a very, very dear friend of
mine. Yeah, seriously, she stoodacross from me in the seminar.
And she, she had asked me why Iwas here. And I was like, Well,
the reason is not what Iactually thought it was, what I
wanted to do, or what I wantedit to be, but I was like, I am
here to talk about my rights andhow to come to terms with that.
(38:29):
And she just helped me getthrough so much of the shit that
came with the race, you know,and stuff that I didn't even
think was like, was there howthe drug addiction and the
alcohol was tied into that andhow I wasn't taking care of my
body and the diabetes was goingto shit. And like, just all this
stuff that was just like,rolling like a snowball, and you
(38:50):
just stop it. Yeah, seriously.
And I don't know if there wasnecessarily a point where I was
like, This is what I'm going tothis is how I'm going to turn my
life around. And I felt likethat, like I was like, I don't
know how to turn my life around.
Like, I don't know how to dothat. I don't even know where to
begin. You know, like that alljust seems super overwhelming.
So she just was like, start withone thing. Just do one thing.
(39:14):
It's like that book. Make yourbed. If you guys read this, no,
I forget who the author is. Butthere's this book about make
your bed and how it will bringsuccess to your life and we just
do one thing and accomplish onething
Nick (39:25):
in the morning we wake up and we try to make your bed
Kaylee (39:28):
Yeah, and it's just it's like at least if if the rest of
your day sucks. Yeah, at least Imade my bed Right exactly. And
she just she just presented itin front of me and was like just
start with one thing what's onething that you want to do and I
was like well I want to go backto college. And you know really
get into that and here we aregraduate I have a continuing
(39:51):
education in graphic design andwas a straight A student and you
know did the whole thing and butit started with just like okay,
sign up for a class, begin oneclass and then shortly after
that I had gone into, like otherseminars that were hosted. And
it was okay. Let's deal with thesobriety issue. Let's deal with
the breaking up of theboyfriend, let's deal with the
family issues that have comewith a drug addiction, right?
(40:13):
And what that has put my familythrough and how do I rekindle
those relationships? And how doI start talking to my mom again,
like, doing all this stuff, butit felt so like, one step at a
time. And then, before I knewit, a lot of the things that I
used to I used to struggle with,I didn't really struggle with
anymore. It just felt sorelieving.
Nick (40:32):
Yeah, you decided to make a choice. I mean, you were you
had hit the point where you werelike, Okay, I'm done with it.
Right. That was your like yourrock?
Kaylee (40:39):
Yes. Oh, yeah. For sure.
And yeah, and it was, it washard. I mean, like, climbing out
of the cave that you're in, youknow, cleansing. Yeah, no, it
just sounds like it took aboutfour years, I think, for me to
really get to a place where Iwanted to be. And that was that.
Yeah.
Nick (40:57):
Wow, that was it. Wow.
Okay.
Unknown (40:59):
Oh, that's awesome.
What a story. I mean, becauseyou're such a,
Nick (41:04):
I don't know, you're so like, She's a beast. I told her.
I said, You're a beast. I
Kaylee (41:10):
think it's awesome. It's positive. It's, you know what I
mean? Well, then still see,light at the end of the tunnel.
Wow, that's great.
Nick (41:18):
So what do you think?
Let's say there's a young woman,poor man for that purpose and a
human being that's listening tothis podcast, right? And they're
just like, man, that thatresonates with me or, man, I
wish I could figure out how toget out of this situation that
I'm in. Yeah. Is there like onething that stands out? I know,
this is on the spot right now.
(41:41):
But is there like one thing thatstands out to you the most
through your young journey sofar? Because this could change
five years down the road? Thiscan change. Let me tell you
being 55 years old, life changesquite a bit. Yeah. And what do
you see now you're gonna seedifferent totally different
time, right? Yeah. But at thispoint right now, to someone
who's listening, what is like asingle, or maybe two things,
(42:02):
whatever, it doesn't matter thatyou can tell someone that's
feeling at that point, whetherhas
Kaylee (42:07):
gone through just one of your stuff that yeah, God. Yeah.
I mean, I feel like it's, it'stotally different with the
chronic illness and the, all theabuse kind of stuff for the
abuse, I would say, start withone thing, like, don't focus on
any of the other things thatyou're going through right now.
Like, just start with one thing.
For me, when I was gettingclean, the best way I can do
(42:30):
that was like, Okay, I won'tsmoke for one day, or I won't
drink for one day. And then I'veaccomplished that one day. And
then soon, it was like that oneday was, you know, six months,
of course, it took time, butfinding things that can support
you. And so many people do nothave a strong support system in
that area. So even if it's justlike, some random person that
(42:54):
you feel some connection with,talk to that person. And I don't
mean like the the superficialtalking the deep stuff that is
really pivotal to your life.
Talk about that, like the bestway to move on from anything is
to talk to people,
Nick (43:12):
that help is really all over them. Oh, yeah. Right.
Yeah. I mean, they're in I wantto stress that because I know
that people feel alone, and eventalking with one of our other
guests, who felt completelyalone, even her whole family,
she felt rejected. Yeah, well, Ithink that she found an outlet
and was able to just yeah,
Kaylee (43:32):
when you just have what you own, you're just around a
certain amount of people. It'slike, how do you find that? I
think I mean, so many peopledon't have that, right, where
they're like, I don't have a momor a dad or someone that I can
just go talk to you. So like,for me, it's finding something
that is even close to personalgrowth in some way. Because
you're gonna find people thathave a similar mindset. So if
(43:53):
it's a class or seminars or abook club, or whatever, that's
all focused on either likepsychology or mental health or
personal growth, or justleadership or something along
that line, where you can sitdown and talk to those people.
Maybe it's not about whatevercore issue you have, you know,
or whatever experience has beenreally hard. If it's not about
that. Maybe segue into that.
Nick (44:15):
Yeah, because ultimately it can lead into Yeah, you lead
into something just opening up.
That's the whole idea behindright with the podcast is just
opening up gives you freedom. Itwas for us. Yeah, very
beginning. Opening up just givesyou massive freedom. That's
like, was that it? I mean,that's pretty fucking amazing.
(44:37):
So, so then that was it, right?
And you decide you're gonna gothrough college, you go through
college, you get out of college,you go through the pathways
thing, which is awesome. Shoutout to pathways, right, because
that was fucking crazy. Yeah,
Kaylee (44:50):
that was that was awesome. So I still volunteer in
group lead there. Which is socool. So I get to remember Yeah,
exactly. So I get to lead Twogroups that have been through,
like a whole range of differentthings, you know. And that's
been so just fantastic. Andfirst keeping me accountable to
the things that I've set goalsto, but also to hear about those
(45:12):
other stories and be like, Okay,well, where do I relate to that?
And where do I still need togrow here? And I don't think we
ever really just get over thingspermanently. I think they come
in waves. It's like, I get fiveyears older, and something else
comes up emotional abuse, andI'm like, oh, that's, that's
interesting. You know,
Nick (45:28):
what I said? It's always always change. It's always
changing. Yeah, your mind. Youbecome more aware, you become
more in tune to, to the worldaround you. And
Kaylee (45:41):
all of a sudden, you know, and you start crying,
because it's just like, whoa,shit. Yeah.
Nick (45:47):
You got to the top of the mountain. She's like, I made it.
I'm like a journey for like, 75years I made it. But no, it's
hilarious. But it's true. That'scool. But then. So how are your
relationships now? Because thosetype of events in your life
(46:08):
probably put a very big stuff,Barry. Put a very big strain on
your relationship. And I'm surethere's been some maybe some
trust issues and stuff likethat. Confusion? Where are your
relationships at now? How areyou a lot
Kaylee (46:23):
of my relationships, I struggled a little bit with,
like the emotional part andbeing emotionally connected,
mostly because I didn't want tobe, and was just like, Oh, I'm
not gonna, I'm not gonna sharemy feelings with you when you're
gonna be like a disaster, orwhatever it is, right. But I
have had fantastic partners inthat have just really supported
and then beautifully lovingtowards my experience. And
(46:45):
usually they're, they're moregood than bad. You know, I mean,
obviously, you're gonna havesome bad relationships in there.
But like, I have learned so somuch from just dating people and
being like, oh, do I like thispart? Do I not like this part?
Okay, well, maybe maybe someoneelse will have more of a
characteristic that I like, andjust move on to that other
person. And they're there for areason. You know, you're, you're
(47:06):
around people, for them to teachyou and for you to grow from, at
least that's my belief. So
Nick (47:11):
it's hard to find. It's in, let's just be real, right? I
don't want to be negative Nick.
Yeah. But it's hard to findsomeone who is compatible with
that type of thinking, yeah, forsure. You, you really have to
know where you stand so that inthe beginning of getting
involved with someone that youknow what you want to go
through, beyond that exacthappening, then you got to
(47:33):
figure out what you want to do.
Kaylee (47:36):
And I'm very, very clearly that I when I was like,
repeatedly dating people, I waslike, I'm like a real life
dating app, you know, swiperight and swipe left in person.
Like, I don't really like thesocial part. So I was just like,
if it's online, you know, I'mjust, I'm gonna do this in real
life, you know, and just see,because like, dating profiles
are just rough. So you know,
Nick (47:59):
that's part of them. Just realizing, again, going back to
getting yourself together forYeah, oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh,
because if you truly don't takecare of yourself first, like,
really get those fuck thosethings fucking taken care of,
then you're doing not only, notonly are you doing yourself a
disservice, first of all, butthe person you're with who may
(48:19):
not even be with me, who may noteven understand you're doing
them a disservice. Yes, yeah.
Cuz you're not fucking workedout?
Kaylee (48:26):
You know? It's definitely. And I think that
there's like, there's this wholething about, oh, well, you can
still grow in a relationship,even if you're not in the
healthy place. And like, in someways, I do see that. If you're
upfront about whatever you'redealing with, like, I'm never
going to be a walk in the parkto date. I know that there's
always going to be something. Mypersonality is just very
(48:49):
sporadic, I guess in energy andlike, yeah.
Unknown (48:57):
Because that's everybody's
Kaylee (49:00):
job. I mean, it is what it is really true. But I think
if you're upfront about thethings that you're struggling
with, and if you are in anunhealthy place, and your
partner is in an unhealthyplace, sitting down at a table
and going, Okay, well, these arethe places that were struggling,
can we work together to grow insome capacity, and maybe you
don't end up with them? Likemaybe this isn't a long term
thing, but if you need a personto support you, or hold you
(49:23):
accountable, or whatever, likesometimes that can be in a
relationship. Other times not,I'm not saying oh, all people
should be in a relationship. Oh,that's totally not true. Yeah.
Yes. So much growth and beingalone.
Nick (49:34):
100% That shouldn't be confused where you can learn
from each other. Right. Butthere could be a very negative
side to that as well. Yes.
Extremely. We realized early onin our marriage. 13 years, like
Dominic was, you know, leavingthe house and we're like,
looking at each other going,Hey, who the fuck are you? You
know what I mean? Because for 30years, we're building this
thing, right? And we went tocounseling and within an hour,
(49:56):
the guy was very high. Have thefucking guy. I mean, he was
straight up. He talked to me fora little bit, talked to her and
he brought us together. He says,Okay, here I have the answer.
We're like, Okay, what? He said,Hey, Nancy, you want to be with
him? Or do you need to be withhim? She's like, well, I want to
be with him. He says, okay,Nick, you need to be or want to
be with her. So I want to be,this is okay. It'll be 100
(50:18):
bucks. See you later. And we'relike, what the fuck you talking
about? He said, Look, he said,You guys want to be together?
Right? There's a reason to workit out. There's a reason to
work. If you need it, eat if ifNick, if you needed to be with
Nancy for for some reason, otherthan wanting to be or Nancy,
vice versa, then I'd say we needto talk. But if you're willing
(50:42):
to work and want to work thingsout together, or you want to
literally be with that person,not because I need them for
something specific. And thatmeans that you haven't worked
yourself out. Right? Yes. And sothat that right, there was the
only time we went seeing amarriage counselor. Yeah. 34
years of marriage. And that wasit. Because I always say, every
day I wake up, do I still wantto be with her? Yeah, of course
(51:05):
I do. If I don't want to be withher anymore, then why are you
with them? There's somethingwrong. Yeah. That's awesome. So
relationships are good. Yeah.
Good. Good. Nice. You got a newjob a few months back?
Kaylee (51:18):
I did. I graduated in the middle of COVID. So finding
a job was a little rough. Let'sjust link it that one of those
fucking millennia. Oh, my God. Iknow, seriously. I graduated in
the middle of COVID. And reallystruggled to find a job for
literally a year. So it was likeat home on my parents couch. Not
from like lack of applying. Iapplied to hundreds of jobs.
(51:39):
Found one. It was corporateAmerica. Good God for all of you
in corporate America, bless yoursouls. But
Nick (51:44):
we just had the corporate quit around here. She's got a
podcast all about for free.
Yeah.
Kaylee (51:52):
Like, it's a moment. So I lasted eight months. And God
helped me. I am so glad thatthis opportunity presented
itself because I was like, wow.
So I am a graphic designdepartment head and very, very
happy there. And I get to do abunch of stuff on police cars
and doing the graphics on policecars, which is so fun and a
bunch of other one off projectshere as being one of them. That
(52:13):
was actually, that was a greatproject. I was so excited to get
that. I was like, This is socool. I love this. But I get to
do a bunch of really just funstuff and really express the
creativity and cool
Nick (52:27):
stuff. All right. Well, I
Kaylee (52:28):
mean, thank you for having me. Awesome. Yeah, it
was. It was crazy.
Nick (52:35):
I'm glad we finally got to do this. We've been waiting a
couple months for the Missinternational travel. I did.
Unknown (52:41):
I did.
Nick (52:45):
Right. All right. Cool.
Well, thanks for hopping on.
Yeah. Thank you. And we'll seeyou later. Yeah. Okay. Do you
want to say no, you want me tosay yes. I always end up having
to say, so do us a favor. If youliked this podcast, please
subscribe review or give us agood rating. We would appreciate
it. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Bye
We unintentionally gave up. Over time we we let
ourselves down. We didn't teachor respect the struggle. Our
value disappeared over timereplaced with masks disguised as
truth. I mean, our words becameempty and our presence became
obsolete. Now we face ourbiggest struggle, and it's time
(00:30):
to rip the masks off. More thanever, it's time to return to our
true selves. Our real identity.
It's time to be fuckingoffensive.
Wells Hello, hello. Hello. Whoa,there's a third person in the
(00:50):
fucking room. Who could that be?
You? You're not gonna saynothing. No, I'm just waiting.
You're just waiting for me tosay so see how it goes. She's
always bitching because I talktoo much. And then when I talk
too much she like looks at me ormouth is just like,
Nancy (01:04):
Oh Allah. No, she's very interesting. She's
Nick (01:07):
okay. So we know it's a she. There we go. Okay, so today
we have Kaylee with us. And it'sfunny, because how did we meet
Kaylee we met because I wantedto get my vehicle wrapped for
this podcast. And lo and behold,who comes out of the woodwork?
(01:29):
Kaylee Haley. Man, it was sofunny because we like, I think
when we started talking, itseemed like I have known you for
a long fucking time. It waspretty cool. Yeah. So of course,
we get the vehicle done. Shedoes a great job. And we went
out to lunch one day, and Ithought, Man, you got a pretty
interesting fucking story.
You're like, what did we say? Amedical shitshow?
Nancy (01:53):
Oh, yes. There's a lot more. I'm just like, wow, that's
DMZ.
Nick (02:04):
heard a little bit we actually had some dinner before
this and Nancy heard a littlebit Nancy sitting there like
almost like our fate. If youjust see your face, right? If we
were taping this, or you know,showing it on video, you would
see it but she was just the jawdrops. So let's get into this.
Because when we say medical shitshow, so there's a few things
going on in your young 25 yearslife so far. She's only 25.
(02:31):
Okay, so 55 and I saw some shit.
Unknown (02:35):
for that. Let's stick with the 25 year old right?
Nick (02:39):
What interested me obviously, we went out to lunch,
and we're having lunch. Andthere are a few things we talked
about. And then there was onething we didn't talk about which
we're going to do today. Ireally found it interesting
because I do have a cousin whois young daughter is a type one
diabetic. And through socialmedia, and through seeing them
that she had struggled reallybad when she was younger. Now
(03:02):
she's so 11 I think 11 or 12.
Much better, obviouslytechnology. Yeah, for sure. But
it was so sad to see, you know,you just almost felt being a
child what that might be like,so explain that to us a little
of sort of that journey. Whatdid you find out first? Because
you have celiac? Yeah. You're atype one diabetic, not type two.
(03:24):
What came first? How did how didthose because you were quite
young when you found that?
Kaylee (03:31):
Yeah, I originally found out when I was six years old,
pretty typical symptoms for adiabetic. But for those that
don't know, it can be likeinvoluntary urinating and being
super dehydrated and just notbeing able to like, feel really
good. It's almost like havingthe flu, which actually it is
sometimes misdiagnosed for theflu. But that kind of started
(03:55):
transpiring. And my my worstsymptom, I remember was just
being so thirsty all the time.
And both of my parents arenurses. So my mom had this
figured out pretty quickly andsaid, you know, to my dad, I
think she's diabetic. And he'slike, No, absolutely not totally
in total denial. Lo and behold,a day later went to the doctor
(04:16):
and tested my blood sugar. Andit was, I don't know, somewhere
in the five or 600 range and wassent to the I was six years old
and was sent to the hospital andspent a couple days there and
learned really just how to livemoving forward, which I remember
at the time didn't feel likeoverwhelmingly impactful. Like I
was pretty content. I was veryhappy in the hospital. Actually
(04:38):
they had a lot of fun activitiesfor kids and I get to have
chocolate cake which is such amisconception for diabetics
because a lot of people thinkthat type one diabetics can't
have sugar which that is not thecase. Because you can just bolus
insulin and eat pretty muchwhatever you want. And obviously
healthy but nothing crazy. So Igot to the hospital on my first
(05:00):
night and you're like, here'schocolate cake and some
painting. And I was like, okay,like, yeah, it really was. So it
was it was a lot of fun and thenjust kind of dealt with it. And
you know, a lot of it, I feellike in some ways is easier to
get diagnosed as a child opposedto like a teenager, or young
adults, because they have yearsof experience of their lives
(05:20):
where they're considered for allintensive purposes, normal. And
I don't have a whole lot ofmemory of not being diabetic.
But I remember before gettingdiagnosed slightly, and what
that felt like in the freedomthat it felt like and I remember
thinking, Oh, nothing bad willever happen to me, which as a
child is a very common thoughtprocess, right? And I remember
(05:43):
the day I was diagnosed, I thatthat feeling just disappeared
and was like, well, things dohappen to people. And this is
something that
Nick (05:52):
so it was a different lesson. So not only were you
diagnosed as a diabetic, but nowyour whole mindset. Obviously,
at six, you're not realizingthat. So now as you get
Kaylee (06:06):
older, yeah, hits affect you somehow, like, I mean,
sports or I don't know, spendinga night at someone's house, or
Yeah, that was a lot of that wasmore like, kind of difficult, I
would say I had a lot ofguidance from my mom. And she
tried really, really hard tomake sure that I was still
included in stuff like going tobirthday parties and sleepovers
(06:27):
and doing all this other stuff.
But really, I mean, like,there's a really big part as I
think any parent wouldexperience of terror. And not
only is your child now not inyour presence, but they have a
chronic illness that can turn inany second and you don't wake
up, you know, or the Guardiandoesn't know how to handle a
type one diabetic child, andsome of them just aren't
(06:48):
comfortable with it. And how doyou deal with that? You know,
when in the air a, right?
Nick (06:54):
Was it something because you said six? So was it
something? Do you remember? Yousaid you don't remember being
diabetic? Before that obviously,did it just it just came out?
All of a sudden, were you justmore aware of something
happening? Because you got a Uturn a little older? Obviously,
you don't remember any of thatbefore like feeling? I guess you
were just a kid. So I guess howwould you think that you're
(07:15):
feeling any different?
Kaylee (07:16):
Yeah, I mean, I remember the symptoms, mostly, you know,
just feeling like really justsick, quite honestly. And being
like, Okay, well, this is kindof bizarre, but in my head, I
didn't really consider it superstrange. I was just like, Oh, I
just don't feel good, you know.
And then that turned into, oh,well, this is a chronic illness.
But at the time that didn'treally dawn on me of really what
that meant. Until I got a littleolder. Yeah. And like I handled
(07:40):
it really well as a child. LikeI did all of my own shots and
all of my checking triggers anddoing all that which some kids
really, really do struggle withand you know, can't handle the
needle aspect of it, which Imean, who really wants to get
poked and prodded all the time,right. But that part never
really faze me a whole lot. Ijust sort of handled it and was
like, Okay, well, this is justyou know, how to know how it's
(08:02):
gonna
Nick (08:04):
be. Yeah. So okay, so we have type one diabetes, six
years old. You're handling it,and then a fucking year later,
like one year later, right. Andyou're you can eat whatever you
want. You could do right, you'retype one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All
right. We're done. But no, no.
Because a year later, you gethit with something else. Yeah.
(08:25):
Tell us about that. Yeah. Thisis why we say the medical
shitshow Yes.
Kaylee (08:31):
Oh, yeah. There's, there's a lot there. It's
definitely. So diabetes is aautoimmune disease. So sometimes
what can happen with that is youhave other autoimmune issues,
which I definitely do. Butyou're later I was seven and was
diagnosed in a hospital in Mainefor celiac disease, which is
(08:52):
very commonly known today asbeing gluten free, which most
people would probably think is adietary preference, but for me,
it isn't. Yeah, it's an allergyfor me. So there's definitely a
difference between celiac andgluten free but went to a
specialty hospital and at thetime, it was like totally rare
and undiagnosed and wasn't likea thing and, and they told me
(09:14):
that I had celiac and that thatwas why I was still having some
complications. I was havingthyroid issues and waking
problems. And obviously, that'snot normal between a six and a
seven year old. So we diagnosethat and then realized a little
while later that my entiregenetic line has this. So my
family is all celiac. And thisis mostly affiliated with my
(09:37):
direct family, mom, dad,siblings, etc. But I do have
quite a few aunts, uncles,cousins, etc. that all have the
same thing.
Nick (09:46):
Like it just the whole idea, okay, between six and
seven, celiac disease and typeone, but I'm just going back to
the gluten free thing just sortof blows me away because it's
like, to me, right, I'm justlike, all of a sudden, everybody
is fucking allergic to peanuts.
Everybody's got some gluten freething, right? Intolerance is all
over the fucking place. Nobodycan eat dairy anymore. Like,
(10:07):
what the fuck is going on? Like,and I say that just brag we're
laughing and sort of we'retalking about it. It's a real
thing. But so Where's thiscoming? I mean, where's this
coming from? I'm still askingthe question. I'm sorry. We do,
but we're, you know, it's there.
(10:27):
You know, both of your parentsare Yeah. Right. So I'm not
saying that this isn't realstuff. Yeah, at all. Are we
eating? What is going on? Idon't know. I mean,
Kaylee (10:36):
I think I truly do think it's in the way that food is
processed in Americaspecifically, like there are
these issues in other countries,obviously. But it doesn't seem
to be as impactful. Like I mean,we just look at the obesity rate
in America. And it's like, okay,well, Where's that coming from?
Like, why is it that we don'tknow how to regulate food? And
why is it that people are bingeeating or not eating at all? Or
(11:01):
like, where is that coming from?
And I think in in large part,it's first because we don't have
the tools to learn how to eatcorrectly and healthy, and what
that looks like, but also, whatare we actually putting in our
bodies? And like, that'ssomething that I've always just,
yeah, the choices that we'remaking, but also, it's like, you
make a choice to eat healthy,and is it really healthy? What
(11:21):
is what on that right piece offruit that you're getting? Even
if it says organic? Like whatdoes that actually mean? What do
you know? Right, right.
Nick (11:31):
Well, it was funny, because when you said that, I
was watching this you ever heardof Gary brecha? So Gary breco is
a biohacker. He's, he's ascientist. Yeah, literally bio
hacks. And he's like, you know,the superhuman, right? And he
was saying that even justbecause it says organic, right?
Yeah. Doesn't mean reallyanything. Yeah. So it's just
(11:52):
blowing me away. Because youhave the internet is filled with
all these fucking people. And Heeven calls them the bros on
fucking thing who say, Yeah, yougot to do this. And he's like,
it's just bullshit. It's like,straight up bullshit. And it's
just so confusing.
Unknown (12:07):
Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. So we
Nick (12:09):
could that's another whole fucking I'm sorry. I just
Kaylee (12:13):
is silly. Like, what?
What is it? You're so and so Ican't eat like wheat, barley and
oats is the main because if youdo what, so it's different for
everybody. But for me, I can'tdigest it. So celiac is when you
can't digest those products. Sowhen you eat them, you your body
gets rid of them in one way oranother. So for me, it is like
violently throwing up andusually that's for like, a
(12:36):
couple of hours, but I feelpretty terrible for like two
days. But for other people thatcan be you know, the less
attractive. I mean, not thatthrowing up is really
attractive, but like diarrheaand like that whole kind of, you
know, concept and it's far moremainstream now. But I mean,
right.
Nick (12:55):
Okay, so she's alright.
Thank you for listening. Weappreciate it. So, six years
old, type one, seven years oldceliac, you're going through all
this stuff. You're living yourlife, you're you're fucking
fighting it. You start gettingolder into the double digits.
(13:16):
High School turns a littlerough. Something else happens
though. Right? And your life?
Yeah, yeah. Well, how old? Wereyou at this point?
Kaylee (13:26):
I was like, eight, nine and 10 when this was half. So
you know, I think actually, itwas like, I was good. An eight.
I mean, it was my own history, Idon't even know.
Nick (13:46):
So this gets to be a little bit more personal,
obviously. And it's it'sactually pretty sad in its own
right. But explain what happenshere.
Kaylee (13:55):
I have done a lot of just mental health and focus on
that area. And that wasintroduced to me after there was
a neighbor of mine that was achild pedophile. And I didn't
obviously, as a nine year olddidn't know this was kind of
happening. But we were redoingour house. My parents were
(14:17):
redoing the house andredecorating it and it was a
huge, huge project. And our nextdoor neighbor happened to be a
contractor and he was also achild pedophile. And we didn't
know that obviously at the time.
So we have two other siblingsand all were in some capacity
abuse. Yeah, mine was notnecessarily in a sexual
orientation, though. It could beconsidered that way but it was
(14:41):
more of like touching and givingmassages and like that kind of
stuff. My sister was moretargeted because she was a
little quieter and moreintroverted and didn't really
speak out as much where I wasquite exuberant as a child. You
can tell Oh, I know right, likecrazy. So we have three years.
(15:01):
Yeah. Yeah. So it was it was arough time for sure. So my
parents found out and realizethe extent of what was really
going on. And I mean, at thispoint this guy was, so I think
he was 3435 years old, and wasobviously our neighbor. So it
was like at dinner and, youknow, was really included in the
(15:23):
family and was just anotherfamily member, right? Like, he
could walk in the front door andwould just be like, hey, you
know, how's it going? And whatto do it two or three? Yeah, so
like, a lot of it was justshowing porn and talking
inappropriately, and that kindof stuff. And then just my
sister really got more of thebrunt end of it. But I mean,
(15:43):
it's her story, obviously, I'llleave that for her to share. But
for me, it was just really cuzit was really confusing time.
Like, it didn't understand itwas my first introduction to
what sex was and how thathappened in a relationship and
why why this man would beattracted to, let's see how old
was she like, 1314 at the time.
And that didn't make sense tome. And on top of that, like he
(16:05):
would wear women's bras andunderwear. And we were all very
aware of that. It was soconfusing. I was like, I don't
understand why a man would wouldwear that. Like, that doesn't
make any sense. He was like,very overweight. So in my
childhood brain, I was like,it's because he needs he needs
support he needs I really didbelieve that. And I was like,
(16:28):
That man, bro. I was like, youneed some work? I don't know.
Again, or age. So yeah, it wasit was a very confusing time and
was just really like, how didyour parents find out? My
brother was talking to him onthe phone. And wait, so he
turned to your brother as well?
Yeah, he was involved in that,as well. Really? Yeah. So 203?
(16:50):
Yeah.
Nick (16:55):
I mean, if he's that kind of person. I mean, I guess it
doesn't matter if there's threeor five
Kaylee (17:00):
or Yeah, I mean, seriously, it's like access,
right. And he had, he had a lotof access. And that was the
easiest thing to target. Anyoneyou know what I mean? But my
brother was on the phone withhim and was crying and I knew he
was crying. And I could see himfrom my room. And I remember I
remember this moment, actuallyso vividly. I went downstairs to
get my mom said he was on thephone with with Mike, like, you
(17:21):
need to come stop this fromhappening. And I didn't know
this at the time. But I know nowas an adult, that my sister had
been talking to my mom, andthere were things that she was
saying that were just like, Why?
Why are you saying that? Like,that's really strange. You know,
like, I don't quite understand.
And not that my mom's like,thought it was strange. She was
more just concerned, you know?
And like, Okay. And then thishappened where I was on the
(17:43):
phone with him. And she ranupstairs and took the phone and
was like, he's no longer in ourlives. And shortly after that,
we went to the police and, youknow, did the whole court thing
and, yeah, so it was a roughtime. It was a very rough time.
Using it was a very confusingtime. Yeah, I think I think
there was a long term effects onthat, for sure. I was gonna say,
(18:03):
I just listened to a podcastabout this. Yeah, it's very,
yeah. It affects these kids.
Yes. Yes. Most family. Yeah.
It's funny. Like, I, I listen,and I hear I'm super like, aware
of just like, children and howchildren are raised. And like
what happens, and I read aboutall this stuff, like psychology
and all these things that happento kids that have been sexually
(18:24):
abused. And it's so funny,because it feels like it's not
even my own. Like, I'm like, oh,other children that have been
sexually abused. And I'm like,Oh, I am one of those, like,
children that has had thatexperience. Like, this doesn't
lie. And then sometimes I'llread stuff where I'm just like,
Oh, my God, I totally feel thatway. Like that totally shows up
in my life in like, weird,strange kind of ways where it's
just like, Oh, my God, I can'tbelieve that. That's from the
(18:45):
abuse. Like that's from Wow,that how many went on for three
years? Yeah, it was like a twoor three kind of timeframe.
Yeah, that's crazy. Okay.
Nick (18:55):
So, I mean, sometimes when I talk about this, I don't want
to feel like I'm being lighthearted about anything. But I
mean, it's just so Do yourealize what you went through?
So like, I don't even overthough? No. But I'm saying
there's still more and I'msaying that we we talked about
this on on other podcasts aboutourselves and about how we've
(19:18):
been through things. You gothrough things in life, and you
don't even it's not that wedon't give ourselves credit,
because we don't like I said, atone time, I don't feel that I
was a victim. Because to me, itwas just normal, right? i You
can't feel that your victim ifyou felt it was normal,
Kaylee (19:34):
to think and feel that it's normal. Yes. You're going
to
Nick (19:38):
feel that it's normal. And then as time goes on, we realize
that there are things thatshaped the way we think and the
way that we as we get older, andwe can we can say that it was
specifically because of that ormaybe part of it. But I think
part of the things that we don'tgive ourselves so I said do you
realize like, I don't care ifyou were raised in the shoe his
(20:00):
fucking neighborhood in theshittiest family or if you were
fed with a silver spoon in yourmouth? I mean, everybody has
been. I don't want to sayeverybody's been traumatized. I
don't want to. But I guesseverybody has been traumatized
at some point for something. Youknow,
Kaylee (20:17):
what is trauma? You know, like, we could get the
exact question and
Nick (20:22):
whatever I'm saying that the way people feel we don't
write the way that they feel,right. And that's where, you
know, even with our own side, wethought, hey, we raised a great
kid, and we did raise a greatkid. But we obviously had
contributed to some sort oftrauma. And you don't think that
but to admit it is even worse?
When someone finally and thereason why I'm saying this is
(20:43):
because I understand even morewith with my son, I mean, you're
young, you're 25. And you, youseem like you had a good family
life, your parents? You knowwhat I mean? Yeah. But it wasn't
just about your parents. No. Andso that's where I think that
people even on this podcast,where we try to talk about shit
happens to people all the time.
(21:05):
And we that's what makes usdifferent individuals have
different experiences, and to beable to have a place where you
can actually share them. Like,there's no judgment. And I'm
sure as a kid, if you're havingbeing molested, and I guess
there's obviously there's wideranges of Right, right, that
people shouldn't be ashamed.
Right, for what happened to themas a child. Hey, it happened.
(21:27):
It's something that you learnedfrom and move on. But the thing
is, is that this is not evenword ended. Right. Right.
Kaylee (21:36):
Now you're loving 12.
Yeah, I was like, I mean, like,I went through, like middle
school, middle school wasstarted, like some of the issues
with like, the diabetes. I hadbeen living with it for a while
I had a full understanding ofwhat it meant for the rest of my
life. And at that point, likethe that is key right there.
Yeah. For the rest. Yeah. Yeah.
(21:59):
Yeah. Which is? Yeah, I mean,the type one a lot of people
don't really understand, like,chronic, you have like different
stages, I feel like have chronicillness. Mine is very every day,
and every minute of every day,and what am I going to eat? If I
eat this for breakfast? Whatdoes that mean? In the next two
(22:19):
hours? Am I going to go low? AmI going to go high? What is
going to happen there? What ifI, am I having a hormonal thing?
What if I'm on my period? Whathappens with that? How do I
handle that? What if I get acold or the flu, or something
else that's going to impacteverything? And it's like one
thing works one day, and then ithas to be completely altered and
(22:39):
change for the next day. Andbeing on top of that, and it's
it's called a burnout disease?
See, it's like, you can't Yeah,can you breathe? It's a burnout
disease, for sure. So like,there are some some diabetics
that just try and it's notworking, or they get frustrated,
or they don't have a goodsupport system, or it's just
exhausting. And they say, youknow, I don't really want to
(22:59):
deal with this right now. And,you know, take the day, and then
what happens is long term issueswith your body. But I started to
figure some of that out andunderstood what it meant. And
the word normal kept coming upfor me of just being I am not
normal. I was surrounded bypeople that were like, Oh,
you're different, and you'renot, you know, the same and a
lot. Being a teenager, and yeah,and a lot of that like teasing,
(23:24):
you know, kids stuff where it'slike, oh, well, that's bizarre,
and you know, different. Right,right. And it's like, what's the
things on your arm? And like,Why do you have that? And, you
know, and it doesn't seemdetrimental when you talk about
it like this, right? As anadult, you're like, oh, okay,
you know, that makes sense. Andwhatever. But in a child's
perspective, I was like, really,like, Oh my God, I am so
(23:46):
isolated in this in this moment,and like, dealing with the
sexual abuse stuff, and then thediabetes and being in a social
environment, that's not superaccepting, as I'm sure anyone
with kids probably knows, asthey have grown up, that can be
definitely a struggle. So youknow, it was that sort of
experience. So a lot of mydiabetes kind of stuff turned in
like middle school and highschool I stopped following the
(24:09):
celiac diet, which was reallybad. So gained a lot of weight
and was really bloated, hadseizures and issues from that,
which were all related to theceliac not following that diet.
And then the diabetes just sortof fell from that. Like, I
didn't want to check my bloodsugars, and I didn't want to
deal with the technology. And Iwas like, well, this entire
totally burnt out. Yeah,depression and suicidal thoughts
(24:30):
really shortly followed afterthat, or just being like, what
is the point? Why do I have todeal with this every day? whole
question of why me kept comingup. Whereas like, Why do I have
to deal with this and like, mysiblings don't like, why did
that fall on me? So a lot ofthat in high school, like a lot
of just coming to grips withthis is my body and how do we
learn how to love it? And I wasnot there at that time, for
(24:52):
sure. But have definitely I'mvery pleased to have to have
that kind of mindset of how dowe love our bodies? today and
how do we focus on like positivebody imaging and like all that
other stuff that that can bereally hard? You know, I think
it's hard for just people,women, especially just in
general, okay, there are thingsI don't like now add a chronic
illness on top of that. Yeah,like, Okay.
Nick (25:16):
Well, and that sucks, period. I mean, just even
society in general. Yeah. Rightfor women society in general, is
that you're always having tolook around and look at
yourself. And look, you knowwhat I mean? It's so fucked up.
I mean, I see dudes all thetime. And they're all just
walking around with big fuckingguts. Just like, fucking normal.
Fucking beard. You know what Imean? It's almost like Yeah,
(25:37):
yeah, for women. I mean, I thinka lot has changed. I think
there's, for sure. We're talkingabout you now, in high school,
which was not that long ago, butlong enough ago to where we've
changed a little bit. Butsomething else happened in high
school that just then added tothis whole fucking thing. Yeah.
Kaylee (25:56):
So I was in the process of graduating, I had my life
together. I was like, so happy.
My junior and senior year, I hadlike, started coming terms with
everything. I was going tograduate early, which he did.
And was just really happy to getout of that environment, quite
honestly, was my motivation tograduate early. I was like, This
man. Exactly. Yeah, literally,and was super, super happy, was
(26:17):
really physically fit and justlike really feeling good.
Nick (26:22):
So from the time where you were suicidal, and why you and
all that, yeah, so what sort ofbroke that mold them? So still
in high school? What broke? Me?
Yeah, for
Kaylee (26:31):
sure. So I was in EMDR therapy, and like, sort of
during that time, so it wasbetween middle school and, and
high school that I was sort ofgoing through that. And it's
essentially for PTSD, that helpsyou kind of come to terms with a
lot of the things that are goingon in your life. So they use
this a lot with like, veterans,and like, how much PTSD they
experienced was very similar.
For me, I got really, reallygood effects after that, like
(26:54):
just really came to terms withsort of the sexual abuse and
kind of what was happeningthere. And I had an
understanding of that in somecapacity, I think, where it was
just like, Okay, this issomething that happened, that
doesn't mean that I am going tobe sexually abusing other
people. Because in my, in myyoung age, that's where I
thought it was like, oh, becauseI was sexually abused. I will
(27:14):
sexually abuse people, obviouslynot the case. But in my head. I
was like, that's, that's what'sgoing to happen, you know, and,
you know, the involuntaryresponsible, I don't want to do
that. But like, what does thatmean, you know, when, and that
whole, that whole thing. So Ihad, I just went through a ton
of support, and had so muchsupport from so many different
people. And I had awesome, justgreat family really supportive
(27:37):
of the whole situation. So thatwas really, really good. And
then my mom obviously, reallyhelped with the diabetes stuff
through that, of course, at thetime, I didn't think that I was
like, Oh, my God, overbearinghelicopter parent, but and that,
and that puts a strain on yourrelationship. But yeah, but she
really did save my body in atime where I wasn't taking care
(27:57):
of it, until I got to a placewhere I was okay enough to be
like, Okay, I can handle someresponsibility here. I can start
doing some things here. And theevolution of technology and
diabetes really sort of assistedthat.
Nick (28:12):
It sounds it's come a long way. Yeah. So then you got out
of it, and you're feeling good.
And you're fucked. You're,you're on top of the fucking
world. Yeah, you're about tograduate, you're doing whatever.
And bam. Yeah, you can hitagain. Yeah, for sure. Tell us
about that. Yeah. So
Kaylee (28:28):
I think a lot of people that have been abused in some
capacity, kind of subconsciouslydraw abusers to them in some
way. And there's been a ton ofstudies on this and how this
happens, and why this happens,and so on. And that was
definitely my case. I was I wasfeeling great. So I was like,
I'm going to start dating.
Again, that feeling of like, oh,you know, this is gonna be
(28:50):
totally fine. And everything'sgood. And you know, and I met
this guy, he came into my work,and he was like, you know,
you're really beautiful. Like,let's go on a date. And we went
on a date. And that date veryquickly turned into something
that I didn't want to havehappen where he actually did end
up raping me. And I felt at thetime, really just like, shocked,
totally shocked at like, I can'tbelieve this is like happening
(29:13):
right now. And this is superstrange. And this is like one of
my first sexual experiences. Soyour first sexual wasn't my
first but what
Nick (29:24):
I'm saying your first when I say your first you know, that
doesn't matter either way. Butwhat I'm saying is that you're
at a point where you workthrough all this shit, you're
doing your thing you're, you'reyou're on top of the world, you
you sort of have an idea of whatyou want to do on a path. And
here you make a choice, right?
And not knowing that that choiceis going to turn into what it
(29:44):
does. And now you fail you getraped by this fucking guy. I
don't even know what to sayabout that. I'm putting together
in my mind here. We've beentalking chronologically since
six years old, right, and I'mtrying to go through my mind of
how I felt as a child beingabused. And I am just blown
(30:08):
away. Because to me, my abusedoesn't seem like anything. And
we're
Kaylee (30:14):
either going to, I don't know, you're either going to be
pissed off and go in onedirection, or you're going to be
like,
Nick (30:21):
so what happened? First of all, what happened? This fucking
guy,
Kaylee (30:24):
nothing, actually, I didn't do I didn't do anything
about it, I was really in astate of shock. By the time I
was coming around to being like,I should probably do something
about this, it felt to me sortof useless. And I just never
really got there, I figured thatit was more useful to spend my
(30:45):
energy dealing with what Ineeded to deal with, with my
mental health afterwards, thengoing after him. And that's what
I'm saying, you have to make achoice.
Nick (30:57):
It was just amazing, though, to me that even at that
age, you decided to, which isreally fucking awesome, because
here we are at 55 years old. Andwe're just finally realizing
that we really need to makechoices to take care of
ourselves. And in here you areat 18 or 17 years old, making
those same choices, which isawesome, which, which says a lot
(31:19):
to who you are. But I mean, ittakes a lot to say, Well, fuck
that, I'm going to take care ofmyself, right, I'm just going to
Kaylee (31:28):
I, I really believe in taking your power back. And when
you give your power to someonein whatever capacity that is,
you know, and it can be throughrape, it can be through sexual
abuse. And I mean, it can be alot of different things, it can
be giving your power to yourboss at work, it can be so I
mean, obviously rape and sexualabuse are like the extremes of
this, right. But I mean, it canbe to your mother and not
(31:51):
standing up for yourself, or,you know, whatever it ends up
being. And at the time, I just,I mean, there was definitely
some some years packed in therewhere I was not doing that. But
in my head, I was just, I wasn'treally in a state initially,
where I was like, I didn't evenreally process what was
happening, or really called itrape initially, because I was
just like, that didn't happen.
Like that was just bad sex, youknow, like, is how I originally
(32:13):
thought about it. And thenafterwards, and I had gotten
some help, kind of after this,which we can get into a little
bit later, where I startedactually saying the word rape
and being like, Okay, well,that's actually what this was,
and was not consensual sex, andlike, you know, all this other
kind of stuff. But it took me areally long time to actually get
there and be like, Oh, okay. Andby that point, I was like, I am
(32:34):
done with with him and thatportion, and I'm going to deal
with what I need to deal with.
So like, definitely sort of anevolution of mind processing
kind of there. But yeah, yeah.
But even after all this, youstill went to school? You went
to college? Yeah. Like,
Nick (32:52):
scratching your head. So I think I just went through a lot
of stuff on Nancy's face thatshe's, she's a little. So you
know, people go through a lot inlife, right? And then what they
do is they wind up playing thevictim. Yeah. Right. And then
they wind up using everythingthat happens to their detriment.
And then they they continue thecycle. And then they wonder at
(33:16):
the end of all this time, whythe fuck, you know, am I who I
am, right? And Nancy's face thatI can see here after knowing her
for 34 years is like, so evenafter all this? Because we know,
you know, right? We know thatyou're, you know, you're a
strong fucking woman, you're. Imean, I'm sure we all have our
days. And that's awesome. And soit's like, where did you find
(33:39):
the strength? Like the ability?
Now? I know you had people back.
Yeah. But it doesn't matter.
See, that's the thing that we'velearned in this whole thing with
our son is that it doesn'tmatter who's backing you or
anything anybody says. You haveto fucking find. Oh, my God.
Yeah. So it doesn't someonecould say you need to make the
right choices, or you need tomake this decision. But if
you're not fucking strong, andyou're not doing that for
(34:01):
yourself, right, it doesn'tmatter. What gave you the Yeah.
So again. What? What pushed youto just keep fighting? I mean,
cuz it's obvious that that'swhat you did. Yeah.
Kaylee (34:19):
I mean, there was a while there were I didn't, I
turned more to drugs and alcoholto kind of get me through like
the day to day life. I waskicked out of my house and got
an apartment. And my parentswere very, very kind and still
paid and helped me pay for that.
Because at the time, I didn'tmake enough to actually afford
that. But I moved in with myboyfriend at the time, who was
for all intensive purposes, aprotective figure. And the
(34:42):
reason I was dating him was forthat safety and kind of comfort
that I really needed that Iwasn't willing to give myself.
And so by the time that I was ina place where I was like, okay,
I think I can handle this bymyself, you're no longer
benefiting me. In some ways, Idon't see that like a, like
(35:06):
benefiting you my soul. Like itjust wasn't benefit in like a
shallow way but like, right,right, right. You know, I felt
like my soul was just like notgetting what I needed out of a
relationship. People just think,Oh, it's a relationship, you
know, that added it up but I'mlike, I was looking for
something that helped my soulgrow. And I want someone that
does that yeah meaningful andjust really like, and I knew
(35:27):
that I wasn't going to get thatfrom him. I still like I just
adore him as a person. Likethere were definitely issues in
that relationship and unhealthyhabits that were going on. But
he really did love me and Ireally did love him. It just for
me, I knew that if I needed tobe where I needed to be in my
life, it wasn't going to be withhim. So that was really what I
would call my break. I took abreak from my life a little bit.
(35:51):
And then I just got to a statewhere I was like, I'm ready to
be back. Okay.
Nick (35:57):
That's cool. Yeah. But what was that defining moment,
though? There was like, peoplecan be like, Man,
Kaylee (36:12):
I just need this. No, no, no, no. That was just like a
sort of slow
Nick (36:17):
mo okay. It's not like you wake up the next morning and
you're like,
Kaylee (36:24):
right, this ties into the relationship, which is why I
bring it up. So I I was still incollege at this point, and was
just starting to kind of getback into it. Because I had
dropped out for a little while.
I was like, fuck this, I don'twant to do that. And then I was
like, Okay, I need something inmy life, that's gonna help me
kind of get through some stuff.
And like, the rape was a bigpart of that, but I didn't
really think of it at the time.
You know, backburner, right?
(36:45):
Like, which is just completedenial. But I talked to an old
therapist of mine, and she waslike, go try this program called
Pathways to successful living.
And I was like, I don't want togrow like this. This sounds just
like, God, whatever, likepersonal growth. Who wants to do
that, you know, I'm just like,really negative reaction to
(37:06):
that. Kaylee, Go, just go do thestupid seminar. Okay. So really,
why I had gone was I was tryingto figure out how to break up
with my boyfriend and not, youknow, totally crushed his soul
and the purpose and the process.
Oh, no, not really, but kind ofI was like, completely. I really
(37:27):
was, I was like, please justlike, say it in a way that's not
going to be like totally heartwrenching, there's no good way
to do that, by the way. And Iwent into the seminar, and it
completely changed my life. Ijust was, like, blown away. It's
so funny. You sit down, and youtalk to people about true and
real shit. And then you get thislike, beautiful space of
(37:47):
connection and understanding.
And, you know, some of the pettystuff just sort of goes away.
And the more openly you share,the more openly people were will
receive and understand and getto a place where it's like, Oh,
I feel your soul, I feel yourenergy coming off and knowing
that it's authentic and so on.
But I went into the seminar, andthe person that runs a seminar.
(38:08):
Her name is Sue Paige, and sheis a very, very dear friend of
mine. Yeah, seriously, she stoodacross from me in the seminar.
And she, she had asked me why Iwas here. And I was like, Well,
the reason is not what Iactually thought it was, what I
wanted to do, or what I wantedit to be, but I was like, I am
here to talk about my rights andhow to come to terms with that.
(38:29):
And she just helped me getthrough so much of the shit that
came with the race, you know,and stuff that I didn't even
think was like, was there howthe drug addiction and the
alcohol was tied into that andhow I wasn't taking care of my
body and the diabetes was goingto shit. And like, just all this
stuff that was just like,rolling like a snowball, and you
(38:50):
just stop it. Yeah, seriously.
And I don't know if there wasnecessarily a point where I was
like, This is what I'm going tothis is how I'm going to turn my
life around. And I felt likethat, like I was like, I don't
know how to turn my life around.
Like, I don't know how to dothat. I don't even know where to
begin. You know, like that alljust seems super overwhelming.
So she just was like, start withone thing. Just do one thing.
(39:14):
It's like that book. Make yourbed. If you guys read this, no,
I forget who the author is. Butthere's this book about make
your bed and how it will bringsuccess to your life and we just
do one thing and accomplish onething
Nick (39:25):
in the morning we wake up and we try to make your bed
Kaylee (39:28):
Yeah, and it's just it's like at least if if the rest of
your day sucks. Yeah, at least Imade my bed Right exactly. And
she just she just presented itin front of me and was like just
start with one thing what's onething that you want to do and I
was like well I want to go backto college. And you know really
get into that and here we aregraduate I have a continuing
(39:51):
education in graphic design andwas a straight A student and you
know did the whole thing and butit started with just like okay,
sign up for a class, begin oneclass and then shortly after
that I had gone into, like otherseminars that were hosted. And
it was okay. Let's deal with thesobriety issue. Let's deal with
the breaking up of theboyfriend, let's deal with the
family issues that have comewith a drug addiction, right?
(40:13):
And what that has put my familythrough and how do I rekindle
those relationships? And how doI start talking to my mom again,
like, doing all this stuff, butit felt so like, one step at a
time. And then, before I knewit, a lot of the things that I
used to I used to struggle with,I didn't really struggle with
anymore. It just felt sorelieving.
Nick (40:32):
Yeah, you decided to make a choice. I mean, you were you
had hit the point where you werelike, Okay, I'm done with it.
Right. That was your like yourrock?
Kaylee (40:39):
Yes. Oh, yeah. For sure.
And yeah, and it was, it washard. I mean, like, climbing out
of the cave that you're in, youknow, cleansing. Yeah, no, it
just sounds like it took aboutfour years, I think, for me to
really get to a place where Iwanted to be. And that was that.
Yeah.
Nick (40:57):
Wow, that was it. Wow.
Okay.
Unknown (40:59):
Oh, that's awesome.
What a story. I mean, becauseyou're such a,
Nick (41:04):
I don't know, you're so like, She's a beast. I told her.
I said, You're a beast. I
Kaylee (41:10):
think it's awesome. It's positive. It's, you know what I
mean? Well, then still see,light at the end of the tunnel.
Wow, that's great.
Nick (41:18):
So what do you think?
Let's say there's a young woman,poor man for that purpose and a
human being that's listening tothis podcast, right? And they're
just like, man, that thatresonates with me or, man, I
wish I could figure out how toget out of this situation that
I'm in. Yeah. Is there like onething that stands out? I know,
this is on the spot right now.
(41:41):
But is there like one thing thatstands out to you the most
through your young journey sofar? Because this could change
five years down the road? Thiscan change. Let me tell you
being 55 years old, life changesquite a bit. Yeah. And what do
you see now you're gonna seedifferent totally different
time, right? Yeah. But at thispoint right now, to someone
who's listening, what is like asingle, or maybe two things,
(42:02):
whatever, it doesn't matter thatyou can tell someone that's
feeling at that point, whetherhas
Kaylee (42:07):
gone through just one of your stuff that yeah, God. Yeah.
I mean, I feel like it's, it'stotally different with the
chronic illness and the, all theabuse kind of stuff for the
abuse, I would say, start withone thing, like, don't focus on
any of the other things thatyou're going through right now.
Like, just start with one thing.
For me, when I was gettingclean, the best way I can do
(42:30):
that was like, Okay, I won'tsmoke for one day, or I won't
drink for one day. And then I'veaccomplished that one day. And
then soon, it was like that oneday was, you know, six months,
of course, it took time, butfinding things that can support
you. And so many people do nothave a strong support system in
that area. So even if it's justlike, some random person that
(42:54):
you feel some connection with,talk to that person. And I don't
mean like the the superficialtalking the deep stuff that is
really pivotal to your life.
Talk about that, like the bestway to move on from anything is
to talk to people,
Nick (43:12):
that help is really all over them. Oh, yeah. Right.
Yeah. I mean, they're in I wantto stress that because I know
that people feel alone, and eventalking with one of our other
guests, who felt completelyalone, even her whole family,
she felt rejected. Yeah, well, Ithink that she found an outlet
and was able to just yeah,
Kaylee (43:32):
when you just have what you own, you're just around a
certain amount of people. It'slike, how do you find that? I
think I mean, so many peopledon't have that, right, where
they're like, I don't have a momor a dad or someone that I can
just go talk to you. So like,for me, it's finding something
that is even close to personalgrowth in some way. Because
you're gonna find people thathave a similar mindset. So if
(43:53):
it's a class or seminars or abook club, or whatever, that's
all focused on either likepsychology or mental health or
personal growth, or justleadership or something along
that line, where you can sitdown and talk to those people.
Maybe it's not about whatevercore issue you have, you know,
or whatever experience has beenreally hard. If it's not about
that. Maybe segue into that.
Nick (44:15):
Yeah, because ultimately it can lead into Yeah, you lead
into something just opening up.
That's the whole idea behindright with the podcast is just
opening up gives you freedom. Itwas for us. Yeah, very
beginning. Opening up just givesyou massive freedom. That's
like, was that it? I mean,that's pretty fucking amazing.
(44:37):
So, so then that was it, right?
And you decide you're gonna gothrough college, you go through
college, you get out of college,you go through the pathways
thing, which is awesome. Shoutout to pathways, right, because
that was fucking crazy. Yeah,
Kaylee (44:50):
that was that was awesome. So I still volunteer in
group lead there. Which is socool. So I get to remember Yeah,
exactly. So I get to lead Twogroups that have been through,
like a whole range of differentthings, you know. And that's
been so just fantastic. Andfirst keeping me accountable to
the things that I've set goalsto, but also to hear about those
(45:12):
other stories and be like, Okay,well, where do I relate to that?
And where do I still need togrow here? And I don't think we
ever really just get over thingspermanently. I think they come
in waves. It's like, I get fiveyears older, and something else
comes up emotional abuse, andI'm like, oh, that's, that's
interesting. You know,
Nick (45:28):
what I said? It's always always change. It's always
changing. Yeah, your mind. Youbecome more aware, you become
more in tune to, to the worldaround you. And
Kaylee (45:41):
all of a sudden, you know, and you start crying,
because it's just like, whoa,shit. Yeah.
Nick (45:47):
You got to the top of the mountain. She's like, I made it.
I'm like a journey for like, 75years I made it. But no, it's
hilarious. But it's true. That'scool. But then. So how are your
relationships now? Because thosetype of events in your life
(46:08):
probably put a very big stuff,Barry. Put a very big strain on
your relationship. And I'm surethere's been some maybe some
trust issues and stuff likethat. Confusion? Where are your
relationships at now? How areyou a lot
Kaylee (46:23):
of my relationships, I struggled a little bit with,
like the emotional part andbeing emotionally connected,
mostly because I didn't want tobe, and was just like, Oh, I'm
not gonna, I'm not gonna sharemy feelings with you when you're
gonna be like a disaster, orwhatever it is, right. But I
have had fantastic partners inthat have just really supported
and then beautifully lovingtowards my experience. And
(46:45):
usually they're, they're moregood than bad. You know, I mean,
obviously, you're gonna havesome bad relationships in there.
But like, I have learned so somuch from just dating people and
being like, oh, do I like thispart? Do I not like this part?
Okay, well, maybe maybe someoneelse will have more of a
characteristic that I like, andjust move on to that other
person. And they're there for areason. You know, you're, you're
(47:06):
around people, for them to teachyou and for you to grow from, at
least that's my belief. So
Nick (47:11):
it's hard to find. It's in, let's just be real, right? I
don't want to be negative Nick.
Yeah. But it's hard to findsomeone who is compatible with
that type of thinking, yeah, forsure. You, you really have to
know where you stand so that inthe beginning of getting
involved with someone that youknow what you want to go
through, beyond that exacthappening, then you got to
(47:33):
figure out what you want to do.
Kaylee (47:36):
And I'm very, very clearly that I when I was like,
repeatedly dating people, I waslike, I'm like a real life
dating app, you know, swiperight and swipe left in person.
Like, I don't really like thesocial part. So I was just like,
if it's online, you know, I'mjust, I'm gonna do this in real
life, you know, and just see,because like, dating profiles
are just rough. So you know,
Nick (47:59):
that's part of them. Just realizing, again, going back to
getting yourself together forYeah, oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh,
because if you truly don't takecare of yourself first, like,
really get those fuck thosethings fucking taken care of,
then you're doing not only, notonly are you doing yourself a
disservice, first of all, butthe person you're with who may
(48:19):
not even be with me, who may noteven understand you're doing
them a disservice. Yes, yeah.
Cuz you're not fucking workedout?
Kaylee (48:26):
You know? It's definitely. And I think that
there's like, there's this wholething about, oh, well, you can
still grow in a relationship,even if you're not in the
healthy place. And like, in someways, I do see that. If you're
upfront about whatever you'redealing with, like, I'm never
going to be a walk in the parkto date. I know that there's
always going to be something. Mypersonality is just very
(48:49):
sporadic, I guess in energy andlike, yeah.
Unknown (48:57):
Because that's everybody's
Kaylee (49:00):
job. I mean, it is what it is really true. But I think
if you're upfront about thethings that you're struggling
with, and if you are in anunhealthy place, and your
partner is in an unhealthyplace, sitting down at a table
and going, Okay, well, these arethe places that were struggling,
can we work together to grow insome capacity, and maybe you
don't end up with them? Likemaybe this isn't a long term
thing, but if you need a personto support you, or hold you
(49:23):
accountable, or whatever, likesometimes that can be in a
relationship. Other times not,I'm not saying oh, all people
should be in a relationship. Oh,that's totally not true. Yeah.
Yes. So much growth and beingalone.
Nick (49:34):
100% That shouldn't be confused where you can learn
from each other. Right. Butthere could be a very negative
side to that as well. Yes.
Extremely. We realized early onin our marriage. 13 years, like
Dominic was, you know, leavingthe house and we're like,
looking at each other going,Hey, who the fuck are you? You
know what I mean? Because for 30years, we're building this
thing, right? And we went tocounseling and within an hour,
(49:56):
the guy was very high. Have thefucking guy. I mean, he was
straight up. He talked to me fora little bit, talked to her and
he brought us together. He says,Okay, here I have the answer.
We're like, Okay, what? He said,Hey, Nancy, you want to be with
him? Or do you need to be withhim? She's like, well, I want to
be with him. He says, okay,Nick, you need to be or want to
be with her. So I want to be,this is okay. It'll be 100
(50:18):
bucks. See you later. And we'relike, what the fuck you talking
about? He said, Look, he said,You guys want to be together?
Right? There's a reason to workit out. There's a reason to
work. If you need it, eat if ifNick, if you needed to be with
Nancy for for some reason, otherthan wanting to be or Nancy,
vice versa, then I'd say we needto talk. But if you're willing
(50:42):
to work and want to work thingsout together, or you want to
literally be with that person,not because I need them for
something specific. And thatmeans that you haven't worked
yourself out. Right? Yes. And sothat that right, there was the
only time we went seeing amarriage counselor. Yeah. 34
years of marriage. And that wasit. Because I always say, every
day I wake up, do I still wantto be with her? Yeah, of course
(51:05):
I do. If I don't want to be withher anymore, then why are you
with them? There's somethingwrong. Yeah. That's awesome. So
relationships are good. Yeah.
Good. Good. Nice. You got a newjob a few months back?
Kaylee (51:18):
I did. I graduated in the middle of COVID. So finding
a job was a little rough. Let'sjust link it that one of those
fucking millennia. Oh, my God. Iknow, seriously. I graduated in
the middle of COVID. And reallystruggled to find a job for
literally a year. So it was likeat home on my parents couch. Not
from like lack of applying. Iapplied to hundreds of jobs.
(51:39):
Found one. It was corporateAmerica. Good God for all of you
in corporate America, bless yoursouls. But
Nick (51:44):
we just had the corporate quit around here. She's got a
podcast all about for free.
Yeah.
Kaylee (51:52):
Like, it's a moment. So I lasted eight months. And God
helped me. I am so glad thatthis opportunity presented
itself because I was like, wow.
So I am a graphic designdepartment head and very, very
happy there. And I get to do abunch of stuff on police cars
and doing the graphics on policecars, which is so fun and a
bunch of other one off projectshere as being one of them. That
(52:13):
was actually, that was a greatproject. I was so excited to get
that. I was like, This is socool. I love this. But I get to
do a bunch of really just funstuff and really express the
creativity and cool
Nick (52:27):
stuff. All right. Well, I
Kaylee (52:28):
mean, thank you for having me. Awesome. Yeah, it
was. It was crazy.
Nick (52:35):
I'm glad we finally got to do this. We've been waiting a
couple months for the Missinternational travel. I did.
Unknown (52:41):
I did.
Nick (52:45):
Right. All right. Cool.
Well, thanks for hopping on.
Yeah. Thank you. And we'll seeyou later. Yeah. Okay. Do you
want to say no, you want me tosay yes. I always end up having
to say, so do us a favor. If youliked this podcast, please
subscribe review or give us agood rating. We would appreciate
it. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Bye
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