November 22, 2023 • 50 mins
I had an enlightening talk with Bree about the importance of forgiveness in healing and moving forward. We discussed the freedom that comes with forgiving those who have hurt you, even if they can’t reciprocate. Bree shared her journey with an abusive mom and how becoming a parent herself opened the door to forgiveness. We explored how forgiveness is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
Episode Highlights:
[02:14] The weight lifted after forgiving an abusive mom.
[05:20] Did her mom understand the damage she caused?
[06:16] Bree’s mom's excuses for her behavior.
[07:22] Reaching out to my absentee dad for forgiveness.
[08:30] Getting sent away after acting out as a teen.
[10:26] Why do the hurt ones extend forgiveness?
[12:39] Acting out for attention from Bree’s dad.
[14:42] Barely finishing high school amidst the chaos.
[16:02] Moving to Colorado with Bree’s new husband.
[18:30] Having a colicky newborn with no support system.
[20:17] Finding jobs quickly out of necessity.
[22:35] Struggling mentally amidst becoming a new mom.
[24:00] The value of going through hard times together.
[25:39] Recognizing the cycle repeating.
[27:10] The need for continuous forgiveness in marriage.
[29:39] Wanting kids to know the good in their Grandma.
[33:08] Forgiveness is an ongoing process, not one-time event.
[35:12] Be patient in your own forgiveness journey.
[37:40] Still fighting despite the challenges.
[49:21] Take it easy on yourself through the forgiveness process.
If this episode resonated with you, please rate, follow, share, and leave a review. Your support helps more people find this podcast and know they're not alone. Until next time!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nick (00:05):
We unintentionally gave up. Over time we we let
ourselves down. We didn't teachor respect the struggle. Our
value disappeared over timereplaced with masks disguised as
truth. I mean, our words becameempty and our presence became
obsolete. Now we face ourbiggest struggle, and it's time
(00:30):
to rip the masks off. More thanever, it's time to return to our
true selves. Our real identity.
It's time to be fuckingoffensive.
Well, hello and welcome.
Nancy (00:48):
Welcome back.
Nick (00:50):
Welcome back. Okay, so today the funniest thing is we
were just doing like some pretalk before we have our before
we have our guest on Well Wait,I'll let her share the story
with you because it's hilarious.
We're talking about like, well,here this is Bree. Hello, Bree.
How are you?
Nancy (01:08):
Welcome Bree.
Nick (01:10):
Wait, isn't Bree a cheese?
Bree (01:12):
It is really no one like that. With cheese.
Nick (01:18):
Wait, are you soft? And squishy? Or? Oh my god, no.
Anyway. So you guys know sort ofhow my relationship with my mom.
We spoke a bit about that. Andobviously, as episodes go on,
we're going to talk more aboutit. But one of the big things
that a lot of people had got outof that episode. And of course,
myself as well was the act offorgiveness. Yes. And I think
(01:44):
that is huge. And there's a lotof people who just don't realize
the freedom that comes withforgiveness. It again, Nancy,
you always say it right? Youdon't necessarily forget? No,
it's unfortunate. No, I can'tforget. Sorry, sticks with us.
But it is something that we cando. And we can move forward. And
(02:07):
whatever your situation is, itmay be different. But for me, I
still see my mom, I still talkwith her. Which
Nancy (02:14):
everyone found interesting because of all the
shit that went on. Yes, kind of.
Yeah.
Nick (02:19):
You know, Bree sort of was in the same situation. And so I
thought that her story waspretty cool that she'd come on
here and share her story withus. However, we found that we
had a little bit of a story thatwas interesting, even before
that. She was sharing with ushow her dogs should all over the
house. Cleaning up the squirts,and all over the bathroom. Oh my
(02:43):
God, that's disgusting. Like,you know, right. So this is real
shit. Right? This is droppingoff. And then, so today, we get
on here. And we're just doinglike a little pre cast. And all
of a sudden she's like, oh,yeah, by the way, my daughter
decided to come in last nightand piss all over my bed and all
over me. And I'm like, What isgoing? Oh, man. Yeah, like a
(03:09):
real person, a real mom raisingtwo daughters. There you go piss
all over the place. The real,the real shit. So give us a
little background tell usbecause I know you've had some
relationships where you've hadto find yourself. And well, I
think really, you startedlistening to our podcast. And
you were you were one that waslike, I just, that's just so
(03:33):
interesting. And I just, youknow, can't understand. And so
how did it happen here for you?
Because you you've gone throughsome shit yourself. So
Bree (03:42):
yeah, you got? Yeah. Well, and I think I could relate to
you so much. It's your story.
Minus been in the churchculture? Yeah. I guess just the
whole forgiveness aspects kindof really hit me a little after
my first daughter was born. Soabout seven years ago, it was
mostly towards my mom. And itbecame more of like a freeing
(04:08):
thing for me because I had somuch resentment built up, and so
much hurt. But as soon as I kindof forgave her, it was just like
this big weight was lifted off.
Yeah. And I also, I think theredeeming quality is
specifically with my mom wasbeing grandparents. And I saw
(04:30):
that and I just chose to,obviously set boundaries. And
you know, you want your kidsfrom seeing kind of the chaos.
And also, you know, kind ofbacktracking like, my mom has
also been really humbled. I feellike the past 10 years and she's
kind of realized that she sheneeded forgiveness like we all
(04:54):
do, because we all we all fuckup, you know, and she she had
asked for My forgiveness and Iaccepted that to me that that
shouted that this person I wantin my life. People that don't
ask for forgiveness and peoplethat just think they don't.
Yeah, that they don't needforgiveness I choose not to have
(05:17):
in my life, because I'm like,What's the point? You know?
Yeah.
Nick (05:21):
So let me ask a question about for the forgiveness too
because especially people sowhen we're talking in general
about someone, maybe who's donesomething wrong to us,
obviously, there are certaintimes when did you have a
conversation with your mom, andshe understood that there was
something that happened that waswrong, because, you know,
sometimes people don't realizeeven that they've done something
(05:44):
wrong.
Nancy (05:44):
It's really it wasn't a church thing for you. Right? It
was more? It was,
Bree (05:48):
I mean, it was kind of what Nick went through to with
the physical and most mostlyverbal abuse growing up, okay.
Specifically with my mom. I feellike she didn't really take it
seriously, though, until I hadmy own child. And I don't know
if maybe that was a wake up callfor her.
Nancy (06:09):
When you say she didn't take it seriously. Do you mean
she didn't know it? Did shedidn't realize it?
Bree (06:16):
Well, it was always like an excuse. It was always like,
Well, I was a single parenttrying to raise mostly she
singled out my older sister andI to hormonal teenage daughters.
And, you know, that's why I didwhat I did. So it was very
frustrating in my early 20s,especially, because I would try
and have these conversationswith her. But it was always like
(06:38):
an excuse. Whereas now I feellike she she's flat out. Like,
she's asked for forgiveness fromme from God, even with my older
sister, whereas my biologicaldad, he, I mean, he's never
asked for forgiveness. And he, Idid to him. I actually reached
out to him in my early 20s, aswell, just kind of saying, hey,
(07:01):
sorry, for all the crap I didwhen I was a teenager, like, you
know, trying to form some sortof relationship. And quickly
kind of got denied. And, youknow, there was no like,
accountability for him and hisadult actions. And so yeah, the
whole thing was just
Nick (07:22):
how do you feel? Do you feel like let's I want to get a
little bit more into like, sortof, you know, we can go as deep
as you want. But when you hadasked your your biological dad
for forgiveness when when yousay biological that so were your
parents were obviously divorcedwhen you were younger?
Bree (07:39):
No, no, they actually didn't get divorced until I was
like middle of sixth grade.
Okay, yeah. Yeah. So he was inour lights for a good amount of
years, which actually kind ofsucks more. Because, you know,
when I was, I was 15. Mysophomore year, my mom sent me
to go live with my biologicaldad and his wife, and his
(08:02):
adopted, like three step sons.
So me and my sister, were overthere. And we did some things
that no, we were 15 and 17 yearsold, and we just, we've messed
up pretty bad. And he sent usback to my mom's and after that,
we didn't really hear much fromhim. He didn't really want much
(08:24):
to do with us and kind of tradedout his three daughters for
three stuff funds.
Nick (08:30):
Interesting. So okay,
Nancy (08:34):
man, what the hell did you do? That was?
Bree (08:39):
I mean, I didn't commit murder. I didn't steal from
Jesus. Okay,
Nancy (08:45):
I mean, were you in jail every now or? Not? The reason I
ask is because I mean, our ownson, you know what I mean, all
the shit. Yeah. Well,
Nick (08:58):
I think I think what I'd like to know, because I'm
really, obviously we're stuck onthis forgiveness thing. But it's
funny that you say you askforgiveness from your biological
dad, who in most cases theparents have, or at least have
to admit that they havesomething to do with the way
that their kids act.
Bree (09:19):
Not always now my biological dad. He was very,
yeah,
Nick (09:23):
that's what I'm saying.
He's like, No, that's where Ifind this whole forgiveness
thing. Interesting. Because andI'm saying this because we've
talked right and we've talkedthat you sort of feel like you
can relate with me and it'salmost like, I find it really
interesting that that the peopleI II me you, you know, it's
almost like we're the ones whowere like the whip dog, right?
(09:44):
But yet we're the ones goingback and trying to seek
forgiveness from people whofucking actually, you know,
well, we're asking forgivenessfrom them, but why are we asking
for forgiveness? I know that Imean that like forgiveness is a
good thing. Don't get me wrong,but I find it interesting that
people like us are the ones whowere fucking kicked down. But
(10:08):
yet, we're the ones who feellike we should ask for
forgiveness, like we actuallydid something wrong. And I'm not
saying that, you know, you feellike you did something wrong.
Right? Okay, so you did right.
You were your kids, you fuck upwhatever that is. We don't have
to get into with as long as weknow you didn't kill someone.
Nancy (10:27):
This is true. This is true. We're good. I
Nick (10:29):
mean, even if you did no.
Society or something? I don'tknow. But I'm just here, right?
No, wait a second. No, we're nottalking to Bree. Like, I'm just
saying, like, I find thisinteresting, because I think
it's awesome that your mom, youknow, realize that when you had
(10:49):
you know, your first daughterthat and we don't say names
here, generally because we tryto protect anybody who we don't
need to. When when you when youhit I think it's awesome for me
to hear that. It's obvious shewanted to be in your lives.
Yeah. Right. Because not notjust be in your lives, but
(11:09):
really be in your lives. Becauseto say, Man, I fucked up and I
really need forgiveness for thisis huge. I mean, my mom, you say
that she would always makeexcuses. And bla bla bla. I
mean, it's your mom. I mean, I'mnot pointing out fingers here.
But I'm saying no. I mean, theymake excuses for not being the
best parent and oh, what youdidn't realize that? You know,
(11:31):
my mom's biggest thing was, youknow, you know, you were you
kids weren't born with a manual.
I always was like, Bitch, like,seriously, you? Of course, were
not born with a man with amotherly instincts.
Bree (11:47):
Well, not everybody has a mother. Yeah. And for my mom, I
think it was mostly pointing thefinger, it was always at someone
else. You know, whether it's us,the divorce, whatever it may be,
but there is no excuse. I mean,this woman would chase me around
with a knife. You know, like, Iget you, you don't do things
(12:07):
like that, and then expect yourkids to respect you. And I think
that for the forgiveness aspectof it. It was more so for me, I
think for me, and for my, mydaughters, too, is like, I don't
want to rob them out of having arelationship with their
grandparents, who is acompletely different person.
(12:29):
She's not the parent that I grewup with. And I want them to know
her. And vice versa. And yeah,it was more just like green for
me. Yeah.
Nick (12:40):
Can I ask what? I'm gonna go back to this thing real quick
with you and your sister had togo live with your dad. And
again, we don't have to go deepin here. But what happened
there? Why weren't you able toor what happened with that
situation where you guys had togo live with him.
Bree (12:54):
So my older sister, she was like, she was a golden
child. Like she got straightA's. She was a great student.
Great kid. I was more of the youknow, partier. I didn't listen
to authority type person. Sowhat does she relates to? You
know, my, my mom couldn't take.
I don't think me and then Ithink she kind of clumped my
(13:18):
older sister with me too.
Because she, you know, she wasshe was more emotional. I mean,
a normal teenage girl though,right? Like, it wasn't anything
crazy. So y'all are crazy. Yeah.
So she's like, You guys needyour dad. Kind of like, you
know. Yeah. So we went to us wego for 233 months. Yes. And
(13:39):
again, it was just me that wasjust like, you know, screw up
after screw up after screw up.
Were
Nick (13:49):
you acting out? I mean, obviously, were you angry?
Bree (13:53):
Everything told no, I don't think so much anger. I
think I just wanted some sort ofattention. Whether it was good
or bad. I think I wanted thatfrom my biological dad. And, you
know, with being at my mom's shekind of centered her whole her
(14:14):
whole life at this point on myyounger sister and her softball
and, and that's why I don'tunderstand like the abuse
towards my older sister and Ibrought it up to her numerous
times. And like she was a greatcandidate. You know, like any
even if she wasn't even if shewas growing up, like I was like,
no, no, no solid excuse. Youknow, for like, what you said to
(14:36):
us what you did to us. But hereI am. You know, forgiving you.
Nancy (14:43):
So you. You went through this? You still went to school
though, right? You finishschool?
Unknown (14:50):
Barely. But yes.
Nancy (14:52):
I mean, what believe me.
Yes, I know. My son was the sameway. Barely, but yes. Did
Unknown (14:57):
what you did, yeah.
Nick (14:58):
You were basically beat Down, Right? I mean, it's
obvious that you were sort ofbeat down, right? But this is
just relates completely to ourstory, right? Specifically to
mind. But then you do that. Butthen you, you finish school you
get out of school, you wind upgetting married, you find this
(15:20):
guy, nobody gives you the timeof day with him. You wind up
putting yourself through fuckingschool, getting pregnant with
one then getting pregnant withlike, there is a lot.
Nancy (15:32):
Like if something were to happen to me like that, like,
why would I want to evencontinue? Or why would I want to
bring kids into the world? Orwhy would I want to? Like What
gave you that? You know what Imean? Like? Yeah, so
Bree (15:44):
with our with our oldest, she was complete, just like
surprise when I were dating forthree months. And we've just
moved to Colorado. And we foundout we were pregnant.
Nick (15:59):
So when did you meet? When did you meet your husband? How
old were you when you met?
Bree (16:02):
I met my husband. When I was 23. Oh, I didn't know it was
that late? Well, we
Nick (16:13):
we were 19 Oh, no,
Nancy (16:14):
I just for some reason. I thought you guys were in high
school
Bree (16:18):
when you met you. Yeah, we knew of each other. It was
really fun. Oh, brother.
Nick (16:24):
I just was funny that that
Bree (16:26):
we always knew of each other. Okay. And my best friend
had the biggest crush on them. Iwould write her name and his
last name on the wall. So I knewof him. Yeah, I knew of him. But
we
Nick (16:40):
were never like, yeah, that's my man. I'm gonna marry
that. No, you right, like, no.
My point is, is that it's justthe it's the weirdest way life
fucking works. You know? Yeah.
You know, okay, you knew ofthem. And you were you. You
didn't you weren't like, oh mygod, I can marry that boy
someday. No, no, you're justlike, yeah, that's what it is.
(17:03):
All right.
Nancy (17:03):
So you guys live in Colorado, you find out that
you're pregnant. Why do you goto Colorado? Yeah. Why Colorado?
He
Bree (17:08):
wanted to move Colorado.
And I never been. And I hatedIllinois. At that point. I was
very like, I was just Yeah.
Nick (17:18):
Yeah. doesn't trust me.
Okay, yeah.
Bree (17:21):
I was just kind of like itching for change, too. And I
was just like, Okay, let's doit. So we drove out there, we
stuffed my old Buick with abunch of mostly my stuff. And he
had literally just a bag I thinkwe lived with. And then we had
to find our own place. And itjust worked out, you know. And
(17:43):
then once we got to our ownplace, I found out I took a
pregnancy test. And I found outI was pregnant. And I'm like,
This can't be right. Like,obviously, like, you know how
babies come to life. But I'mjust like, No, no,
Nick (17:56):
what how?
Bree (18:01):
I was so naive. I could not believe it. I was just like,
Oh my god. Just so
Nick (18:06):
you guys know, out there.
Like we're talking and we seeeach other right, but just audio
her faces is read as a fucking.
She's like holding your headlike, Oh,
Nancy (18:18):
this is talking. But even I mean, even finding out that
you're pregnant, you stilldecided to have the child. You
know, like, Yeah, you don't Imean, you were still gonna go
through it. Was
Nick (18:31):
it? Was it so you were surprised? Obviously, Nancy was
surprised, right? Everybodyknows our story. Seven months
fucking pregnant. We had noclue. And then all of a sudden,
bam. But she wasn't evensupposed to have kids. So it was
even crazier. But to decide toyou're you're on Colorado, it's
all new. You have nobody outthere, right? I mean, what did
you guys have? Did you guys haveanybody to lean on? And were you
(18:51):
just sort of just on your owncompletely? Or what? How was
that?
Bree (18:55):
We were mostly on our own.
We had people here and therethat was kind of checking on us.
But we, I mean, we dideverything on our own. For the
most part. Yeah. And especially,you know, after we had my first
she had really bad college. AndI was not prepared for I was
prepared for like, somesleepless nights, you know, here
(19:17):
and there. But this is like, upuntil seven months old, not
continuous. Oh, I like nobabysitter, like, no one to come
step in like, be like, Hey,let's let us help you with this
little bundle of joy, you know,and she was such a cute baby.
And she was she was a sweetbaby, but she just had so much
(19:38):
like palate, you know? Yeah.
Nick (19:43):
And it is something because Nancy and I talked
about, you know, we got marriedobviously when we were 19 and
20. And we talked about doing iton our own as well. And the
funny thing is, is I talkedabout this a little bit and a
few outlets that I have did I doon my Don't but you know your
mindset of you know, when whenwhen the lights are off, and
(20:06):
it's the middle of the nightyou're lost in your mind. Right?
It is you it is you and you areby yourself. Because we were you
guys working at that point didyou guys find jobs? Like how
Bree (20:18):
jobs pretty quickly? My husband's in the landscaping
industry fairly quickly. Ifollow him fairly quickly to
actually lied and told them Iwas I lived in Colorado, they
had no idea like the same. Ithink a day after we drove out
to Colorado. I had an interviewwith the next day. Oh, that's
cool. Yeah, so worked out likepretty organically. Well, that
(20:41):
worked out. Yeah. And I workedall up until I gave birth. And
then I stayed with my oldest forthe first year. And then from
then on, I did like night jobsand stuff and doing school at
the same time. And you made ithappen. We made it happen. Yeah.
Which is so ironic, right? Whenyou think about, well, that's
your parents, saying
Nick (21:02):
like, that was a huge move, you go from not even not
only making a move, but making amove to a place that you have no
fucking clue. You don't knowanything about having to deal
with then being pregnant, andthen having to deal with working
because you both had to work,right? Because you had to
support and then having to dealwith all the emotion and
everything that goes throughthat or with that, especially
(21:25):
after you had your first one.
Right. So then there's there's abunch involved in that. And I
think for us, you know, actuallywanting this speak also with you
in putting your story out thereis that Nancy, and I talk all
the time about just fighting andjust crawling and scraping and
just doing what you have to do.
(21:46):
And again, that's not allphysical. No, you know, the
biggest thing for me, and thisis where we really learned
especially when things happenedwith us a couple years ago with
with our son is that your mindis fragile, and you may be all
the fighter you think you are.
And when something happens,that's very overwhelming, you
may not be able to deal withthat. And just being alone in
(22:09):
your mind can really be a fuckedup thing. So, you know, I
congratulate you guys, props,man, especially, you know, being
in such a situation where youfind yourself sort of alone. And
yeah, there's always outsidehelp. That helps. And I get that
we've, yeah, we had a little bitof that as well. But when push
(22:29):
comes to shove, you guys fuckingkicked ass and did what you had
to do. And
Bree (22:35):
then in between, like I was, I was struggling with like,
my own mental health, like IYeah. With my first especially,
and a little bit before I had mysecond as well, but not nearly
as bad. But so I mean, layerthat on top of getting to know
this person too. Because I mean,my husband and I, we were dating
(22:56):
three months, and then found outwe were pregnant. So we're still
getting to know each other too.
And we're sure, you know, itwasn't a question for him. But I
was going back and forth. Andlike, I don't know, he had a lot
of we all do. I mean, I had todo too. But there are some
specific things with him thatwere just red flags. And I'm
like, I'm not sure if I want tocontinue this, if that's how I'm
(23:19):
going to be. And by God's grace,that's, that's he's grown. And
we've changed and we've gotten,we've gotten help to, you know,
we've gone to seek counselingwe've talked to like him, and
I've talked a lot more to and Ithink that's a huge thing. And
we've experienced like it allpretty much from having no
(23:39):
money, or having, you know, nota lot of family out there. Just
doing everything ourselves, hasmade us a lot stronger as a
family unit than I think if wewere to have a bunch of healthy
hands are a bunch of money,whatever, like we've been
through it. Yeah.
Nick (24:00):
I find, I find it whoa,
Nancy (24:04):
whoa, son, that he didn't go through it. And you know,
Nick (24:10):
if she didn't go through it, right, that it would have
been an A and that's exactlywhat our son is saying. Right
needs to go through it and toand that's where we're
respecting, even talking withyou guys. And I say you guys, I
say millennials and youngerpeople who are in relationships,
and who are really trying theirhardest to fucking find their
way in this world and in therelationship and having to deal
(24:33):
with each other and having that.
And that's why I find that it'sit's so refreshing, though, what
you just said to me is that, youknow, you said that, that your
your husband had some issues onhis own. But you also then went
back and said that you you guysboth realized that there was
room for change. And it wasn'tjust one or the other. You know
(24:57):
what I mean that you You guyswork together as a team to build
that.
Bree (25:03):
And it's, it's interesting too, because, you know, my mom
and I have talked about thisbefore, it's like, history
sometimes does repeat itselfwithout even trying. My parents
were the same ages as my husbandand I, when they first have my
oldest, or their oldest, sorry,my oldest sister, they moved out
San Diego, California, within acouple months of them being
(25:27):
together, you know, and I wasalone. I didn't even know half
of that either. Until my mombrought it up. And I'm like,
yeah, that is really. That'sweird. Weird. Yeah. But
Nancy (25:39):
that's what I'm saying.
Even our parents, you know, whatthey went through? And, you
know, we went through our ownstuff, and the difference, and
the way we handled it, yeah, itjust, it blows my mind. Because
I know, we handled it differentwhen we had our child.
Nick (25:54):
Yeah, completely. And then I know that he's handling it
even different way than than we.
And I think we all have a littlebit of that, that drive to sort
of break the cycle of something,right? I mean, we we all have a
little bit of trauma that we'veyou know, gone through that we
want that we don't want our kidsto go through. See for us, we
(26:15):
obviously didn't want our kid togo through it. But we we
literally wanted to completelychange everything, right? That's
not necessarily a good thing.
Good thing as well. I mean,there has to be balanced. That's
another thing that we talk aboutis balance. And I love like I
said, I love getting you guys onhere and talking about this,
(26:36):
because just listening to youand talking about you and your
husband and how it was and wefind that there's so much in
common with that. And that'sjust being human beings. We all
go through a lot of the sameshin. And I don't think we
realize that and, you know, itgives us a chance to really
(26:57):
also, okay, we've been married34 years big deal. And I'm not
saying be like people say, Oh,that's a big deal. Okay, it is.
But what I mean by that is we'rejust doing our best every day as
well.
Nancy (27:07):
Yeah, continuously learning stuff. So and
Bree (27:11):
I think forgiving each other. You know, my husband like
we've had to, over and overagain just like, forgive each
other. And that's that's a hardpill to swallow. Because it's
like you you want to bring up Xy&z from the past, but like,
what's that gonna? What's thatgonna? Huge? Yeah,
Nancy (27:30):
that is huge. So that, can you that is a big thing,
especially as you said, withyour mom, yeah, 10 years ago,
and how you did that. That'shuge. That's I don't Well,
Nick (27:41):
and even we can get away from that for a minute. And just
just forgiveness alone, right?
It doesn't even have to be yourmom. That's a great story. Don't
get me wrong, that moment wasawesome. And it's awesome that
your your daughters are able toknow their grandma, and that you
that your mom is and was willingto make that change. But that
goes that just goes throughoutany relationship we have, when
(28:06):
you just said, to just letthings go that are in the past,
I'm not talking about. So I'lltell you just straight up. My
dad is the kind of guy that'slike, just just forget about it.
You know, like, when we weregrowing up? My dad would be
like, Ah, I can't believe you'rethinking about that. That's a
big deal. And all he wants to dois sweep things under the rug.
(28:27):
Yeah,
Nancy (28:29):
that's what I always say.
Just sweep it under the rug.
Okay, Dad, that's
Nick (28:33):
not necessarily the right way to do it. That's not what
I'm talking about, either. Ithink you have to have healthy
conversations. Would you agree?
Oh,
Bree (28:42):
100%. Yeah, yeah. I mean, come to like forgiveness. I
mean, there's, there's been acouple individuals even this
past year that like, I've had toforgive, and it is a process.
And that doesn't always meanhaving them back in your life
either. And yeah, I think that'swhere like, at least with my
mom, my sisters, and I differ isone of them just does not talk
(29:05):
to her. And I have that she haspassed on to and we each had our
own trauma from this person. AndI think the most freeing thing
for me was forgiving, notforgetting, like you're just
saying but forgiving. And alsokind of putting myself in her
(29:25):
shoes. And I do I see goodqualities in my mom. And those
are the qualities that I try andbring into my my own
relationship with my daughters.
Oh, wow.
Nick (29:40):
I just think it's awesome that and we've talked about this
as well, like we've talked a lotabout this, but I think it's
awesome to have individuals likeyou on the show to actually
reiterate the stuff is that wecan we as individuals have the
choice, and I would say theobligation at some point. to
(30:00):
take those good things, we don'tnecessarily forget the bad
things, but we forgive, but wetake those good things. And
those are good things that wecan pass on to our kids. And
then they can take what theywant there. Let me tell you,
your daughters are gonna thinkyou're a fucking pitch as well.
You know what I mean? We're notperfect, right? And that's the
(30:23):
whole thing about being human
Nancy (30:24):
is that we're not perfect. You're not always going
to like everything everyonedoes. You know, my
Nick (30:28):
mom used to say, when kids were born with manual, Robbie
said that now used to be like,God didn't stop making excuses.
But the reality is, that's thesame exact thing about what I
just said, Right? We're notperfect, we can take what's
really good. And we can passthat along. And I think that
would be suffice enough to breakthe cycle. You know what I mean?
(30:48):
And I think what we don't do,and this is a really big point
that I bring to a lot of theguests on the show, because most
of us are broken. And most of ushave been through something,
whatever it is, whatever yourtrauma is, you could be you
could have been born with a goldspoon in your mouth, and still
have fucking trauma. There'sthere's that you're not exempt.
(31:09):
Just because you were raised ina great family from not having
trauma,
Nancy (31:12):
what is a great family feud.
Nick (31:14):
But I think the biggest thing about it is that we take
from that, and we learn fromthat. And we're actually able to
pass on the good things fromthat. Because I could say, in
the time that I remember as achild, oh, my whole childhood
was fucked up. Well, the goodthat came out of it, is that I
(31:35):
had to be a fighter. So that'swhy I would never go back. Like
I that's what created thefighter in me. And that's what
sounds like the same thing withyou. Right? I mean, that that's
where that
Bree (31:49):
lightly at all and I don't think my husband does either.
But especially just like, Imean, and seeing the difference,
even like my biological dad wasa decent person, I would say up
until he just deserted us. But Isee more of the negative
qualities in him only because hewas a coward. He left his
(32:10):
family. He did not ask forforgiveness. He knows he has
grandchildren hasn't reached outto my older sister and I like I
would rather be like my mom, youknow who's now humbled yet still
deals with her own baggage, herown substance abuse, and she's
not perfect. Our relationship isnot by any means perfect still,
(32:31):
but she asks for forgivenesscontinuous not continuously, but
when we get it. And that, Idon't know that to me. I'm just
like, I'd rather be like thatthen egotistical human that
doesn't believe they need anyforgiveness. Well,
Nick (32:48):
it's, it's being humble.
Being able to say, Man, I fuckedup. And you know what, that's
what this whole podcast isabout, is about authenticity. We
all fuck up. Jesus, man, are youserious? Like we all are, at
some point a piece of shit.
Like, we all need forgiveness.
And you know, and
Nancy (33:09):
it's like you said it's continuous forgiveness to
there's always stuff thathappens throughout the days or
throughout, you know, whateveryou're going through. And I
think
Bree (33:17):
if you can talk about it too at that person, that's huge.
And sometimes you're not alwaysready to talk right away. And
that's fine, too. But I thinktalking about it, you know, at
least verbalizing like, whyyou're hurt, why? That person
needs to ask for forgiveness. Ithink that's a huge part of this
whole thing, too. Yeah.
Nick (33:38):
And I want to say that I think part of forgiveness,
though, is to realize that, youknow, you're absolutely right,
somebody might not be able totalk about it. But I also want
to say that just because theother party may not be ready to
talk about it that has no shouldhave no reflection on who we
are. And I think for myself, Ialways took that personally,
(34:00):
like, oh my god, they don't wantto talk to me, you know, and I'm
sitting here trying to, youknow, ask for forgiveness. And
you know, what a bunch ofassholes and bla bla in the
bottom line is, we need to worryabout ourselves first. You know,
I've learned that I can askanybody for forgiveness, or I
can forgive anybody. But if Idon't have a clear mindset,
(34:20):
about who I am and where mygoals are, and what I want to
do, none of that's gonna matter.
Because a lot of forgiveness, Ithink, or asking for forgiveness
is sort of a way of sweepingthings under the rug, in a
sense, where, okay, that's over,right. It's, I got forgiveness,
and it's over. And that's theconclusion and whatever. And I
used to be a conclusion guy likeI, I want to know, you know, and
I think asking for forgiveness,like I said, is a bit of a form
(34:45):
of sweeping under the rug. Butonce you work on yourself, and
you understand what forgivenesstruly is, and what really were
the things that led up to eithergiving or, or asking for
forgiveness or expecting it.
Once your mind is clear withthat, then you like you said, it
(35:08):
may not be done right away andit's just such such a freedom.
Yes. Get your mind straight withit.
Bree (35:13):
Yeah. And it's also like, in my journey at least I've I
realize it's not like a snap ofthe fingers thing, like I used
to always think it was. It'slike a process like it's a
process. Yeah, like with myparents like, and I forgiven my
biological dad, but not, Iguess, you know, they'll be
(35:36):
like, past memories they'llthink about that aren't always
the most pleasant. And I'm like,those emotions come in, you
know, because we're human, andwe have those emotions. And then
I'll have to step back andeither pray or I'll have to talk
about with a friend or, youknow, counselor, whoever my
husband, and, you know, and thenkind of start all over the next
(35:59):
day. Like, it's just, it'sreally a process. Yeah,
Nancy (36:02):
I really is. I totally get that. Because of our son. I
mean, when we see him, there'scertain things that I mean, I'll
come to you and be like, bawlinglike what, you know, blah, blah,
blah, whatever. He's like, okay,just, you know, like, just
relax. It's
Nick (36:18):
good through let's,
Nancy (36:20):
you know, total process at it. And it does these things.
Like, I don't know, what's theword to use, you know, but it
kind of, it's like a flashback,like something just like, hits
you and it's like, holy shit,like, and you just want a burst
out. And, you know, it takeseverything in me to just be
like, just chill, like, relax.
You know, like you said, TakeYou know, I have to take a step
(36:43):
back. Sometimes I'll walk awaybecause I don't want to show the
facial Nancy is very facialperson can't keep you know,
let's face
Bree (36:56):
it resting bitchface you know, the same thing. So we're,
you know,
Nancy (36:59):
you don't I mean, like it's so it's so I totally
understand that. Totally manualprocess.
Nick (37:04):
So forgiveness is awesome.
All that's good. So you know, wecan get really caught up deep in
it. Yeah, it gets deep. And youknow, some of it can get a
little dark and sad. But some ofit's awesome. But here's the
cool thing. So through all ofthis, and before we end here, so
yeah, you went through all that.
Blah, blah, blah. But dude, youwind up getting married. You
(37:25):
guys are in Colorado. You haveyour second daughter, you guys.
Wind up. husband at home. Ifinally just bought. You have
like a little business outside.
You went back to school. You'relike, Dude, you guys are fucking
kicking it.
Bree (37:41):
Yeah. She's like, Yeah, yeah, I are not perfect. No. Who
cares? Yeah, it didn't stop. Youdidn't that we quit. I knew as
soon as I married this person toyou know, we were kind of, I
think after my daughter wasborn, like we both realized
(38:01):
like, This is it for us. But themarriage just being finalized
before my second daughter wasborn just kind of added, added
that seal like we're in ittogether for life. Till death do
us part. Like, don't take thatlightly. So for us, yeah, I
mean, we will continue to fightto kind of what you're saying
(38:22):
that because like we are, we'refighters in our own way. And
yeah, especially when it comesto my daughter's to like I had
noticed complete Mama Bear mode,just like Yeah, kinda. Yeah.
Isn't it crazy? Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. Very real. Oh, we
Nick (38:41):
might talking about.
Nancy (38:44):
We totally get that.
Bree (38:46):
I mean, like, my mom came to visit from my second
daughter's first birthday aboutcouple years ago. Now. Again, we
were in a good place, we werefine. Something happened where I
had to ask her leave. That'sreally of our house. And we
didn't talk for a good sixmonths after that, until I
reached out. And I kind of toldher like, we don't see eye to
(39:09):
eye on this specific topic. Iforgive you. I want you part of
our daughter's life's balls inyour court, you know, and she
kind of reiterated just kind ofwhat I said like I don't agree
with you either. But I forgiveyou. And I'm like, okay, so it's
not, it's not like I have thisbeautiful, perfect relationship
(39:32):
with my mom still there now. ButI'm at least able to set my firm
boundaries with her and have herknow her granddaughters too, and
Nancy (39:47):
your granddaughters don't even see her that way. You know
what I mean? They seem different
Nick (39:52):
to you not to allow that as well. Right? I mean, but then
why would you so you, wouldn'tyou? Your mom wouldn't have a
relationship But those girls, ifthat's the person your mom
portrayed herself to be anyway.
And the cool thing is, why wouldyou want to teach your daughters
of that person? You wouldn't?
That's not the reason why you'redoing this. You want to move on
(40:14):
with your life as well.
Bree (40:16):
I disagree with that. I think, eventually, when they're,
oh, age appropriate. I do wantto have that talk with them.
Like what I went through with,they're not, because, of course,
Nick (40:29):
I'm saying I'm saying at the time of they, they're not
even going to understand whatyou could tell them anything you
want right now about your mom,they're not going to understand
that it's not fair for them toeven have to even worry or think
about that. Or to even give themthe inkling of your mom being
that way. That would sway theirway. They're gonna have to grow
(40:51):
up in and find out who theirgrandma Oh, yeah, by themselves.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. With you, your yourgirls, we didn't tell ours. We
didn't tell him about what we Imean, little bit here and there,
but he didn't really, I'll behonest with you, he probably
learned the depth of what wewent through in this podcast.
(41:11):
And he's 33 years old. Yeah.
Like, he knew, right. But Idon't know, to the depth of the
feelings and what that what thatdid to us. And you know, what
that did to me or what that didto her. And as far as you know,
he knows, you know, when he wasraised, he wasn't raised with
his grandparents. Right? Thatwas it because of us. We had
(41:37):
said to our parents, look, ifyou want to be in our son's
life, you have to make an effortas well. Just
Nancy (41:44):
like you said, You know what I mean? Like, the balls in
your court. Now, mom, dad, youguys have to,
Nick (41:49):
they decided his grandparents decided not to be
grandparents. So it's a littlebit of a different story on
that. But that's why we chose tobe the grandparents that lived a
block away. We chose to insertourselves like nut jobs into
their lives. Because Because wethat's what we thought breaking
(42:13):
that cycle was. Yeah, right. Sothat so that our granddaughters
wouldn't be without grandparentswere, you know, that's just not
normal. Right? Like, it's notlike, I don't care what anybody
says, if, if your kids don'tknow, their grandparents, that's
(42:34):
part of life. Like, there's adifferent story there. There's a
different type of learning theirgrandparents have something to
to say also, without, like,they're the ones that are cool,
right? You know what I mean? Ifthe parents are jealous, it's
only but they're the ones thatare cool, like, grandma and
(42:54):
grandpa get to do stupid shitthat mom and dad can't do. And
so they should be allowed to dothat. I'm sorry, I'm getting off
on a little soapbox here. Just alittle bit. They have just like,
but but it is cool. I just findit awesome that we even had
another guest on here. Kelsey,who was the same way with her
(43:15):
mom, right? Yeah, no, her mom,still to this day. She hasn't
even had that conversation whereher mom is she's been able to
either ask for forgiveness orwhatever. But they still have a
working relationship because sherealizes that her mom is a
better person. This, you knownow, and that she can rely on
(43:36):
her to have a differentrelationship and that the mom's
not going to do anything stupidto ruin that relationship with
their child.
Nancy (43:43):
She's a grandmother.
Yeah, just like you said,there's boundaries.
Bree (43:47):
I hate that term to it.
Oh, dude. Oh my gosh, I feellike it and they abuse it, you
know, like, the process because
Nancy (44:01):
I know I was trying to figure out what the word is. But
I didn't want to say no,
Unknown (44:05):
no, I
Nick (44:07):
should just trigger something.
Bree (44:11):
Yeah, and anyone, I mean, friends, family, whoever, like
my thing is if you're, you treatboth of my girls with love and
care, you will be in our lives.
If I don't see that. If I see.
You know, hurting one of them.
You You're done. Like I'm yeah,the opposite. Yeah,
Nick (44:31):
but but whatever happened to that just be That's just
human. Human. Yeah. See, to methere shouldn't even have to be
a spoken word about that. Ifyou're if you're not in my life,
that's it. Like that's how lifewas right. If you're a kind
person when nobody really noweverything has a label. Right?
And again, we're not going toeven get into this because
(44:53):
everything has a label, but it'sso true. I mean, it makes sense,
right? That's just, who wouldn'twant someone to their life that
is going to enrich their livesor the lives of their children
or your relationship withanybody. Yeah, I mean that's and
be kind to people love people bekind treat so no label
Bree (45:16):
that's another I just passivity or passivity, passive,
passive
Nick (45:25):
passivity.
Unknown (45:26):
Isn't that a word?
Nick (45:28):
I guess it would be. I guess we'll have to look up in
the dictionary. Nancy ispassivity a word. For those
people out there, Otani willmake it a word for like a
Scrabble. No, this
Bree (45:39):
podcast will make you go.
Yeah, that. I think that'sanother thing too, that I have
realized. Like, there's beenupside with individuals like
that you're trying to forgive?
Or, you know, like through thewhole forgiveness process, just
being upfront, being upfrontabout your intentions, your
(45:59):
emotions, like none of thispassive aggressive. I can't do
that anymore. You know, and Isaw my younger self like kind of
brushing it like you were sayingyes to like brushing it under
the rug like, yeah, all I don'twant to just like let's move
forward. And now I'm like, oh,like, I need to talk about it.
If we're gonna have a fuckingauthentic relationship, right?
(46:21):
Yeah. I want to talk about it.
Right. But
Nick (46:25):
you know what your life and your if we go by feelings,
emote, whatever that is right.
All that. You're, you're worthway too much to not choose who
gets to be in your fucking life.
Nancy (46:35):
We're working too hard.
Nick (46:38):
Yeah, and we put too much energy into ourselves, to not
have the right to choose who'sin our lives, period. And that's
what people do. I mean, our son,you know, our daughter, that's
what they're choosing whetherwhether it's against us or not,
or whether we feel it's againstus or not. Everybody has that,
right? Like, if you feel youwant to put your energy into
(47:01):
something else, do it. And bythe way, passivity is a Word.
Word as a noun, you know, maybewe'll do a word of the day.
passivity is the acceptance ofwhat happens without action
response or resistance.
Nancy (47:21):
So you're right.
Nick (47:23):
Look at you see what that fucking education does? Well, I
just want to say, I mean, wecould go on and on and on and
have a five hour conversation. Ilove talking with you guys. And
next time, we'll have to getyour husband on and we'll have
to talk together. But I thinkit's awesome. And I really
appreciate you coming on. But sogive us a closing thing like for
(47:47):
forgiveness. You know, what,what do you think? We talked a
lot about here, right? We talkedabout getting your mind
straight. We talked about thatkind of stuff. But for you? What
was the biggest thing do youthink that allows you to find
strength to forgive your mom?
Bree (48:04):
Just having patience with myself. As seen earlier, I
thought forgiveness was justlike a snap of the finger thing.
And it's not. I mean, it's withanyone, not even just my mom,
like it's a process. And I'mjust learning to be patient with
myself protecting my peace atthe same time protecting my
(48:25):
family space. Yeah. And ifanyone is going through that
right now in the middle of kindof forgive someone or maybe
humbling yourself and beingforgiven for something, think
yourself because that's. Yeah,that's awesome. That's
Nick (48:47):
awesome. So yeah, so forgiveness. And one thing I
just even heard through that oreven just talking right now is
that this past hours thatforgiveness is, it's not a one
and done by any means. Becauseforgive if you have to forgive
someone for something, thensomething actually happened or
something perceived happened toyou. And it's definitely not a
(49:08):
one and done. I think it's acontinuation of just life in
general, like rage. I thinkforgiveness is like any, it's
like a daily thing to continue,even if it's forgiving yourself.
Bree (49:21):
Yeah, exactly. And I'm not a cricket guru by any means.
Like I there's, I'm stilllearning. I mean, that's just
what has worked for me. It's,you know, one being patient with
myself, and then protecting myfamily's peace. And also just
realizing it's not a one anddone thing.
Nick (49:40):
Yeah. And I think that's a big thing, not just to really,
really and we'll end with thistoo, is just to give yourself a
break. Yeah, right. I mean, justgive yourself a break. Give
yourself some peace. I've beenlike pat yourself on the back
like, Good fucking job. You knowthat like there's a lot of Get
out there. We don't even realizeyou know what we actually go
(50:03):
through on a daily basis andthen to have to deal with
worrying about shit like that.
It's just like
Bree (50:10):
take it easy.
Nancy (50:11):
Yep acts to cool on that note. Thank you
We unintentionally gave up. Over time we we let
ourselves down. We didn't teachor respect the struggle. Our
value disappeared over timereplaced with masks disguised as
truth. I mean, our words becameempty and our presence became
obsolete. Now we face ourbiggest struggle, and it's time
(00:30):
to rip the masks off. More thanever, it's time to return to our
true selves. Our real identity.
It's time to be fuckingoffensive.
Well, hello and welcome.
Nancy (00:48):
Welcome back.
Nick (00:50):
Welcome back. Okay, so today the funniest thing is we
were just doing like some pretalk before we have our before
we have our guest on Well Wait,I'll let her share the story
with you because it's hilarious.
We're talking about like, well,here this is Bree. Hello, Bree.
How are you?
Nancy (01:08):
Welcome Bree.
Nick (01:10):
Wait, isn't Bree a cheese?
Bree (01:12):
It is really no one like that. With cheese.
Nick (01:18):
Wait, are you soft? And squishy? Or? Oh my god, no.
Anyway. So you guys know sort ofhow my relationship with my mom.
We spoke a bit about that. Andobviously, as episodes go on,
we're going to talk more aboutit. But one of the big things
that a lot of people had got outof that episode. And of course,
myself as well was the act offorgiveness. Yes. And I think
(01:44):
that is huge. And there's a lotof people who just don't realize
the freedom that comes withforgiveness. It again, Nancy,
you always say it right? Youdon't necessarily forget? No,
it's unfortunate. No, I can'tforget. Sorry, sticks with us.
But it is something that we cando. And we can move forward. And
(02:07):
whatever your situation is, itmay be different. But for me, I
still see my mom, I still talkwith her. Which
Nancy (02:14):
everyone found interesting because of all the
shit that went on. Yes, kind of.
Yeah.
Nick (02:19):
You know, Bree sort of was in the same situation. And so I
thought that her story waspretty cool that she'd come on
here and share her story withus. However, we found that we
had a little bit of a story thatwas interesting, even before
that. She was sharing with ushow her dogs should all over the
house. Cleaning up the squirts,and all over the bathroom. Oh my
(02:43):
God, that's disgusting. Like,you know, right. So this is real
shit. Right? This is droppingoff. And then, so today, we get
on here. And we're just doinglike a little pre cast. And all
of a sudden she's like, oh,yeah, by the way, my daughter
decided to come in last nightand piss all over my bed and all
over me. And I'm like, What isgoing? Oh, man. Yeah, like a
(03:09):
real person, a real mom raisingtwo daughters. There you go piss
all over the place. The real,the real shit. So give us a
little background tell usbecause I know you've had some
relationships where you've hadto find yourself. And well, I
think really, you startedlistening to our podcast. And
you were you were one that waslike, I just, that's just so
(03:33):
interesting. And I just, youknow, can't understand. And so
how did it happen here for you?
Because you you've gone throughsome shit yourself. So
Bree (03:42):
yeah, you got? Yeah. Well, and I think I could relate to
you so much. It's your story.
Minus been in the churchculture? Yeah. I guess just the
whole forgiveness aspects kindof really hit me a little after
my first daughter was born. Soabout seven years ago, it was
mostly towards my mom. And itbecame more of like a freeing
(04:08):
thing for me because I had somuch resentment built up, and so
much hurt. But as soon as I kindof forgave her, it was just like
this big weight was lifted off.
Yeah. And I also, I think theredeeming quality is
specifically with my mom wasbeing grandparents. And I saw
(04:30):
that and I just chose to,obviously set boundaries. And
you know, you want your kidsfrom seeing kind of the chaos.
And also, you know, kind ofbacktracking like, my mom has
also been really humbled. I feellike the past 10 years and she's
kind of realized that she sheneeded forgiveness like we all
(04:54):
do, because we all we all fuckup, you know, and she she had
asked for My forgiveness and Iaccepted that to me that that
shouted that this person I wantin my life. People that don't
ask for forgiveness and peoplethat just think they don't.
Yeah, that they don't needforgiveness I choose not to have
(05:17):
in my life, because I'm like,What's the point? You know?
Yeah.
Nick (05:21):
So let me ask a question about for the forgiveness too
because especially people sowhen we're talking in general
about someone, maybe who's donesomething wrong to us,
obviously, there are certaintimes when did you have a
conversation with your mom, andshe understood that there was
something that happened that waswrong, because, you know,
sometimes people don't realizeeven that they've done something
(05:44):
wrong.
Nancy (05:44):
It's really it wasn't a church thing for you. Right? It
was more? It was,
Bree (05:48):
I mean, it was kind of what Nick went through to with
the physical and most mostlyverbal abuse growing up, okay.
Specifically with my mom. I feellike she didn't really take it
seriously, though, until I hadmy own child. And I don't know
if maybe that was a wake up callfor her.
Nancy (06:09):
When you say she didn't take it seriously. Do you mean
she didn't know it? Did shedidn't realize it?
Bree (06:16):
Well, it was always like an excuse. It was always like,
Well, I was a single parenttrying to raise mostly she
singled out my older sister andI to hormonal teenage daughters.
And, you know, that's why I didwhat I did. So it was very
frustrating in my early 20s,especially, because I would try
and have these conversationswith her. But it was always like
(06:38):
an excuse. Whereas now I feellike she she's flat out. Like,
she's asked for forgiveness fromme from God, even with my older
sister, whereas my biologicaldad, he, I mean, he's never
asked for forgiveness. And he, Idid to him. I actually reached
out to him in my early 20s, aswell, just kind of saying, hey,
(07:01):
sorry, for all the crap I didwhen I was a teenager, like, you
know, trying to form some sortof relationship. And quickly
kind of got denied. And, youknow, there was no like,
accountability for him and hisadult actions. And so yeah, the
whole thing was just
Nick (07:22):
how do you feel? Do you feel like let's I want to get a
little bit more into like, sortof, you know, we can go as deep
as you want. But when you hadasked your your biological dad
for forgiveness when when yousay biological that so were your
parents were obviously divorcedwhen you were younger?
Bree (07:39):
No, no, they actually didn't get divorced until I was
like middle of sixth grade.
Okay, yeah. Yeah. So he was inour lights for a good amount of
years, which actually kind ofsucks more. Because, you know,
when I was, I was 15. Mysophomore year, my mom sent me
to go live with my biologicaldad and his wife, and his
(08:02):
adopted, like three step sons.
So me and my sister, were overthere. And we did some things
that no, we were 15 and 17 yearsold, and we just, we've messed
up pretty bad. And he sent usback to my mom's and after that,
we didn't really hear much fromhim. He didn't really want much
(08:24):
to do with us and kind of tradedout his three daughters for
three stuff funds.
Nick (08:30):
Interesting. So okay,
Nancy (08:34):
man, what the hell did you do? That was?
Bree (08:39):
I mean, I didn't commit murder. I didn't steal from
Jesus. Okay,
Nancy (08:45):
I mean, were you in jail every now or? Not? The reason I
ask is because I mean, our ownson, you know what I mean, all
the shit. Yeah. Well,
Nick (08:58):
I think I think what I'd like to know, because I'm
really, obviously we're stuck onthis forgiveness thing. But it's
funny that you say you askforgiveness from your biological
dad, who in most cases theparents have, or at least have
to admit that they havesomething to do with the way
that their kids act.
Bree (09:19):
Not always now my biological dad. He was very,
yeah,
Nick (09:23):
that's what I'm saying.
He's like, No, that's where Ifind this whole forgiveness
thing. Interesting. Because andI'm saying this because we've
talked right and we've talkedthat you sort of feel like you
can relate with me and it'salmost like, I find it really
interesting that that the peopleI II me you, you know, it's
almost like we're the ones whowere like the whip dog, right?
(09:44):
But yet we're the ones goingback and trying to seek
forgiveness from people whofucking actually, you know,
well, we're asking forgivenessfrom them, but why are we asking
for forgiveness? I know that Imean that like forgiveness is a
good thing. Don't get me wrong,but I find it interesting that
people like us are the ones whowere fucking kicked down. But
(10:08):
yet, we're the ones who feellike we should ask for
forgiveness, like we actuallydid something wrong. And I'm not
saying that, you know, you feellike you did something wrong.
Right? Okay, so you did right.
You were your kids, you fuck upwhatever that is. We don't have
to get into with as long as weknow you didn't kill someone.
Nancy (10:27):
This is true. This is true. We're good. I
Nick (10:29):
mean, even if you did no.
Society or something? I don'tknow. But I'm just here, right?
No, wait a second. No, we're nottalking to Bree. Like, I'm just
saying, like, I find thisinteresting, because I think
it's awesome that your mom, youknow, realize that when you had
(10:49):
you know, your first daughterthat and we don't say names
here, generally because we tryto protect anybody who we don't
need to. When when you when youhit I think it's awesome for me
to hear that. It's obvious shewanted to be in your lives.
Yeah. Right. Because not notjust be in your lives, but
(11:09):
really be in your lives. Becauseto say, Man, I fucked up and I
really need forgiveness for thisis huge. I mean, my mom, you say
that she would always makeexcuses. And bla bla bla. I
mean, it's your mom. I mean, I'mnot pointing out fingers here.
But I'm saying no. I mean, theymake excuses for not being the
best parent and oh, what youdidn't realize that? You know,
(11:31):
my mom's biggest thing was, youknow, you know, you were you
kids weren't born with a manual.
I always was like, Bitch, like,seriously, you? Of course, were
not born with a man with amotherly instincts.
Bree (11:47):
Well, not everybody has a mother. Yeah. And for my mom, I
think it was mostly pointing thefinger, it was always at someone
else. You know, whether it's us,the divorce, whatever it may be,
but there is no excuse. I mean,this woman would chase me around
with a knife. You know, like, Iget you, you don't do things
(12:07):
like that, and then expect yourkids to respect you. And I think
that for the forgiveness aspectof it. It was more so for me, I
think for me, and for my, mydaughters, too, is like, I don't
want to rob them out of having arelationship with their
grandparents, who is acompletely different person.
(12:29):
She's not the parent that I grewup with. And I want them to know
her. And vice versa. And yeah,it was more just like green for
me. Yeah.
Nick (12:40):
Can I ask what? I'm gonna go back to this thing real quick
with you and your sister had togo live with your dad. And
again, we don't have to go deepin here. But what happened
there? Why weren't you able toor what happened with that
situation where you guys had togo live with him.
Bree (12:54):
So my older sister, she was like, she was a golden
child. Like she got straightA's. She was a great student.
Great kid. I was more of the youknow, partier. I didn't listen
to authority type person. Sowhat does she relates to? You
know, my, my mom couldn't take.
I don't think me and then Ithink she kind of clumped my
(13:18):
older sister with me too.
Because she, you know, she wasshe was more emotional. I mean,
a normal teenage girl though,right? Like, it wasn't anything
crazy. So y'all are crazy. Yeah.
So she's like, You guys needyour dad. Kind of like, you
know. Yeah. So we went to us wego for 233 months. Yes. And
(13:39):
again, it was just me that wasjust like, you know, screw up
after screw up after screw up.
Were
Nick (13:49):
you acting out? I mean, obviously, were you angry?
Bree (13:53):
Everything told no, I don't think so much anger. I
think I just wanted some sort ofattention. Whether it was good
or bad. I think I wanted thatfrom my biological dad. And, you
know, with being at my mom's shekind of centered her whole her
(14:14):
whole life at this point on myyounger sister and her softball
and, and that's why I don'tunderstand like the abuse
towards my older sister and Ibrought it up to her numerous
times. And like she was a greatcandidate. You know, like any
even if she wasn't even if shewas growing up, like I was like,
no, no, no solid excuse. Youknow, for like, what you said to
(14:36):
us what you did to us. But hereI am. You know, forgiving you.
Nancy (14:43):
So you. You went through this? You still went to school
though, right? You finishschool?
Unknown (14:50):
Barely. But yes.
Nancy (14:52):
I mean, what believe me.
Yes, I know. My son was the sameway. Barely, but yes. Did
Unknown (14:57):
what you did, yeah.
Nick (14:58):
You were basically beat Down, Right? I mean, it's
obvious that you were sort ofbeat down, right? But this is
just relates completely to ourstory, right? Specifically to
mind. But then you do that. Butthen you, you finish school you
get out of school, you wind upgetting married, you find this
(15:20):
guy, nobody gives you the timeof day with him. You wind up
putting yourself through fuckingschool, getting pregnant with
one then getting pregnant withlike, there is a lot.
Nancy (15:32):
Like if something were to happen to me like that, like,
why would I want to evencontinue? Or why would I want to
bring kids into the world? Orwhy would I want to? Like What
gave you that? You know what Imean? Like? Yeah, so
Bree (15:44):
with our with our oldest, she was complete, just like
surprise when I were dating forthree months. And we've just
moved to Colorado. And we foundout we were pregnant.
Nick (15:59):
So when did you meet? When did you meet your husband? How
old were you when you met?
Bree (16:02):
I met my husband. When I was 23. Oh, I didn't know it was
that late? Well, we
Nick (16:13):
we were 19 Oh, no,
Nancy (16:14):
I just for some reason. I thought you guys were in high
school
Bree (16:18):
when you met you. Yeah, we knew of each other. It was
really fun. Oh, brother.
Nick (16:24):
I just was funny that that
Bree (16:26):
we always knew of each other. Okay. And my best friend
had the biggest crush on them. Iwould write her name and his
last name on the wall. So I knewof him. Yeah, I knew of him. But
we
Nick (16:40):
were never like, yeah, that's my man. I'm gonna marry
that. No, you right, like, no.
My point is, is that it's justthe it's the weirdest way life
fucking works. You know? Yeah.
You know, okay, you knew ofthem. And you were you. You
didn't you weren't like, oh mygod, I can marry that boy
someday. No, no, you're justlike, yeah, that's what it is.
(17:03):
All right.
Nancy (17:03):
So you guys live in Colorado, you find out that
you're pregnant. Why do you goto Colorado? Yeah. Why Colorado?
He
Bree (17:08):
wanted to move Colorado.
And I never been. And I hatedIllinois. At that point. I was
very like, I was just Yeah.
Nick (17:18):
Yeah. doesn't trust me.
Okay, yeah.
Bree (17:21):
I was just kind of like itching for change, too. And I
was just like, Okay, let's doit. So we drove out there, we
stuffed my old Buick with abunch of mostly my stuff. And he
had literally just a bag I thinkwe lived with. And then we had
to find our own place. And itjust worked out, you know. And
(17:43):
then once we got to our ownplace, I found out I took a
pregnancy test. And I found outI was pregnant. And I'm like,
This can't be right. Like,obviously, like, you know how
babies come to life. But I'mjust like, No, no,
Nick (17:56):
what how?
Bree (18:01):
I was so naive. I could not believe it. I was just like,
Oh my god. Just so
Nick (18:06):
you guys know, out there.
Like we're talking and we seeeach other right, but just audio
her faces is read as a fucking.
She's like holding your headlike, Oh,
Nancy (18:18):
this is talking. But even I mean, even finding out that
you're pregnant, you stilldecided to have the child. You
know, like, Yeah, you don't Imean, you were still gonna go
through it. Was
Nick (18:31):
it? Was it so you were surprised? Obviously, Nancy was
surprised, right? Everybodyknows our story. Seven months
fucking pregnant. We had noclue. And then all of a sudden,
bam. But she wasn't evensupposed to have kids. So it was
even crazier. But to decide toyou're you're on Colorado, it's
all new. You have nobody outthere, right? I mean, what did
you guys have? Did you guys haveanybody to lean on? And were you
(18:51):
just sort of just on your owncompletely? Or what? How was
that?
Bree (18:55):
We were mostly on our own.
We had people here and therethat was kind of checking on us.
But we, I mean, we dideverything on our own. For the
most part. Yeah. And especially,you know, after we had my first
she had really bad college. AndI was not prepared for I was
prepared for like, somesleepless nights, you know, here
(19:17):
and there. But this is like, upuntil seven months old, not
continuous. Oh, I like nobabysitter, like, no one to come
step in like, be like, Hey,let's let us help you with this
little bundle of joy, you know,and she was such a cute baby.
And she was she was a sweetbaby, but she just had so much
(19:38):
like palate, you know? Yeah.
Nick (19:43):
And it is something because Nancy and I talked
about, you know, we got marriedobviously when we were 19 and
20. And we talked about doing iton our own as well. And the
funny thing is, is I talkedabout this a little bit and a
few outlets that I have did I doon my Don't but you know your
mindset of you know, when whenwhen the lights are off, and
(20:06):
it's the middle of the nightyou're lost in your mind. Right?
It is you it is you and you areby yourself. Because we were you
guys working at that point didyou guys find jobs? Like how
Bree (20:18):
jobs pretty quickly? My husband's in the landscaping
industry fairly quickly. Ifollow him fairly quickly to
actually lied and told them Iwas I lived in Colorado, they
had no idea like the same. Ithink a day after we drove out
to Colorado. I had an interviewwith the next day. Oh, that's
cool. Yeah, so worked out likepretty organically. Well, that
(20:41):
worked out. Yeah. And I workedall up until I gave birth. And
then I stayed with my oldest forthe first year. And then from
then on, I did like night jobsand stuff and doing school at
the same time. And you made ithappen. We made it happen. Yeah.
Which is so ironic, right? Whenyou think about, well, that's
your parents, saying
Nick (21:02):
like, that was a huge move, you go from not even not
only making a move, but making amove to a place that you have no
fucking clue. You don't knowanything about having to deal
with then being pregnant, andthen having to deal with working
because you both had to work,right? Because you had to
support and then having to dealwith all the emotion and
everything that goes throughthat or with that, especially
(21:25):
after you had your first one.
Right. So then there's there's abunch involved in that. And I
think for us, you know, actuallywanting this speak also with you
in putting your story out thereis that Nancy, and I talk all
the time about just fighting andjust crawling and scraping and
just doing what you have to do.
(21:46):
And again, that's not allphysical. No, you know, the
biggest thing for me, and thisis where we really learned
especially when things happenedwith us a couple years ago with
with our son is that your mindis fragile, and you may be all
the fighter you think you are.
And when something happens,that's very overwhelming, you
may not be able to deal withthat. And just being alone in
(22:09):
your mind can really be a fuckedup thing. So, you know, I
congratulate you guys, props,man, especially, you know, being
in such a situation where youfind yourself sort of alone. And
yeah, there's always outsidehelp. That helps. And I get that
we've, yeah, we had a little bitof that as well. But when push
(22:29):
comes to shove, you guys fuckingkicked ass and did what you had
to do. And
Bree (22:35):
then in between, like I was, I was struggling with like,
my own mental health, like IYeah. With my first especially,
and a little bit before I had mysecond as well, but not nearly
as bad. But so I mean, layerthat on top of getting to know
this person too. Because I mean,my husband and I, we were dating
(22:56):
three months, and then found outwe were pregnant. So we're still
getting to know each other too.
And we're sure, you know, itwasn't a question for him. But I
was going back and forth. Andlike, I don't know, he had a lot
of we all do. I mean, I had todo too. But there are some
specific things with him thatwere just red flags. And I'm
like, I'm not sure if I want tocontinue this, if that's how I'm
(23:19):
going to be. And by God's grace,that's, that's he's grown. And
we've changed and we've gotten,we've gotten help to, you know,
we've gone to seek counselingwe've talked to like him, and
I've talked a lot more to and Ithink that's a huge thing. And
we've experienced like it allpretty much from having no
(23:39):
money, or having, you know, nota lot of family out there. Just
doing everything ourselves, hasmade us a lot stronger as a
family unit than I think if wewere to have a bunch of healthy
hands are a bunch of money,whatever, like we've been
through it. Yeah.
Nick (24:00):
I find, I find it whoa,
Nancy (24:04):
whoa, son, that he didn't go through it. And you know,
Nick (24:10):
if she didn't go through it, right, that it would have
been an A and that's exactlywhat our son is saying. Right
needs to go through it and toand that's where we're
respecting, even talking withyou guys. And I say you guys, I
say millennials and youngerpeople who are in relationships,
and who are really trying theirhardest to fucking find their
way in this world and in therelationship and having to deal
(24:33):
with each other and having that.
And that's why I find that it'sit's so refreshing, though, what
you just said to me is that, youknow, you said that, that your
your husband had some issues onhis own. But you also then went
back and said that you you guysboth realized that there was
room for change. And it wasn'tjust one or the other. You know
(24:57):
what I mean that you You guyswork together as a team to build
that.
Bree (25:03):
And it's, it's interesting too, because, you know, my mom
and I have talked about thisbefore, it's like, history
sometimes does repeat itselfwithout even trying. My parents
were the same ages as my husbandand I, when they first have my
oldest, or their oldest, sorry,my oldest sister, they moved out
San Diego, California, within acouple months of them being
(25:27):
together, you know, and I wasalone. I didn't even know half
of that either. Until my mombrought it up. And I'm like,
yeah, that is really. That'sweird. Weird. Yeah. But
Nancy (25:39):
that's what I'm saying.
Even our parents, you know, whatthey went through? And, you
know, we went through our ownstuff, and the difference, and
the way we handled it, yeah, itjust, it blows my mind. Because
I know, we handled it differentwhen we had our child.
Nick (25:54):
Yeah, completely. And then I know that he's handling it
even different way than than we.
And I think we all have a littlebit of that, that drive to sort
of break the cycle of something,right? I mean, we we all have a
little bit of trauma that we'veyou know, gone through that we
want that we don't want our kidsto go through. See for us, we
(26:15):
obviously didn't want our kid togo through it. But we we
literally wanted to completelychange everything, right? That's
not necessarily a good thing.
Good thing as well. I mean,there has to be balanced. That's
another thing that we talk aboutis balance. And I love like I
said, I love getting you guys onhere and talking about this,
(26:36):
because just listening to youand talking about you and your
husband and how it was and wefind that there's so much in
common with that. And that'sjust being human beings. We all
go through a lot of the sameshin. And I don't think we
realize that and, you know, itgives us a chance to really
(26:57):
also, okay, we've been married34 years big deal. And I'm not
saying be like people say, Oh,that's a big deal. Okay, it is.
But what I mean by that is we'rejust doing our best every day as
well.
Nancy (27:07):
Yeah, continuously learning stuff. So and
Bree (27:11):
I think forgiving each other. You know, my husband like
we've had to, over and overagain just like, forgive each
other. And that's that's a hardpill to swallow. Because it's
like you you want to bring up Xy&z from the past, but like,
what's that gonna? What's thatgonna? Huge? Yeah,
Nancy (27:30):
that is huge. So that, can you that is a big thing,
especially as you said, withyour mom, yeah, 10 years ago,
and how you did that. That'shuge. That's I don't Well,
Nick (27:41):
and even we can get away from that for a minute. And just
just forgiveness alone, right?
It doesn't even have to be yourmom. That's a great story. Don't
get me wrong, that moment wasawesome. And it's awesome that
your your daughters are able toknow their grandma, and that you
that your mom is and was willingto make that change. But that
goes that just goes throughoutany relationship we have, when
(28:06):
you just said, to just letthings go that are in the past,
I'm not talking about. So I'lltell you just straight up. My
dad is the kind of guy that'slike, just just forget about it.
You know, like, when we weregrowing up? My dad would be
like, Ah, I can't believe you'rethinking about that. That's a
big deal. And all he wants to dois sweep things under the rug.
(28:27):
Yeah,
Nancy (28:29):
that's what I always say.
Just sweep it under the rug.
Okay, Dad, that's
Nick (28:33):
not necessarily the right way to do it. That's not what
I'm talking about, either. Ithink you have to have healthy
conversations. Would you agree?
Oh,
Bree (28:42):
100%. Yeah, yeah. I mean, come to like forgiveness. I
mean, there's, there's been acouple individuals even this
past year that like, I've had toforgive, and it is a process.
And that doesn't always meanhaving them back in your life
either. And yeah, I think that'swhere like, at least with my
mom, my sisters, and I differ isone of them just does not talk
(29:05):
to her. And I have that she haspassed on to and we each had our
own trauma from this person. AndI think the most freeing thing
for me was forgiving, notforgetting, like you're just
saying but forgiving. And alsokind of putting myself in her
(29:25):
shoes. And I do I see goodqualities in my mom. And those
are the qualities that I try andbring into my my own
relationship with my daughters.
Oh, wow.
Nick (29:40):
I just think it's awesome that and we've talked about this
as well, like we've talked a lotabout this, but I think it's
awesome to have individuals likeyou on the show to actually
reiterate the stuff is that wecan we as individuals have the
choice, and I would say theobligation at some point. to
(30:00):
take those good things, we don'tnecessarily forget the bad
things, but we forgive, but wetake those good things. And
those are good things that wecan pass on to our kids. And
then they can take what theywant there. Let me tell you,
your daughters are gonna thinkyou're a fucking pitch as well.
You know what I mean? We're notperfect, right? And that's the
(30:23):
whole thing about being human
Nancy (30:24):
is that we're not perfect. You're not always going
to like everything everyonedoes. You know, my
Nick (30:28):
mom used to say, when kids were born with manual, Robbie
said that now used to be like,God didn't stop making excuses.
But the reality is, that's thesame exact thing about what I
just said, Right? We're notperfect, we can take what's
really good. And we can passthat along. And I think that
would be suffice enough to breakthe cycle. You know what I mean?
(30:48):
And I think what we don't do,and this is a really big point
that I bring to a lot of theguests on the show, because most
of us are broken. And most of ushave been through something,
whatever it is, whatever yourtrauma is, you could be you
could have been born with a goldspoon in your mouth, and still
have fucking trauma. There'sthere's that you're not exempt.
(31:09):
Just because you were raised ina great family from not having
trauma,
Nancy (31:12):
what is a great family feud.
Nick (31:14):
But I think the biggest thing about it is that we take
from that, and we learn fromthat. And we're actually able to
pass on the good things fromthat. Because I could say, in
the time that I remember as achild, oh, my whole childhood
was fucked up. Well, the goodthat came out of it, is that I
(31:35):
had to be a fighter. So that'swhy I would never go back. Like
I that's what created thefighter in me. And that's what
sounds like the same thing withyou. Right? I mean, that that's
where that
Bree (31:49):
lightly at all and I don't think my husband does either.
But especially just like, Imean, and seeing the difference,
even like my biological dad wasa decent person, I would say up
until he just deserted us. But Isee more of the negative
qualities in him only because hewas a coward. He left his
(32:10):
family. He did not ask forforgiveness. He knows he has
grandchildren hasn't reached outto my older sister and I like I
would rather be like my mom, youknow who's now humbled yet still
deals with her own baggage, herown substance abuse, and she's
not perfect. Our relationship isnot by any means perfect still,
(32:31):
but she asks for forgivenesscontinuous not continuously, but
when we get it. And that, Idon't know that to me. I'm just
like, I'd rather be like thatthen egotistical human that
doesn't believe they need anyforgiveness. Well,
Nick (32:48):
it's, it's being humble.
Being able to say, Man, I fuckedup. And you know what, that's
what this whole podcast isabout, is about authenticity. We
all fuck up. Jesus, man, are youserious? Like we all are, at
some point a piece of shit.
Like, we all need forgiveness.
And you know, and
Nancy (33:09):
it's like you said it's continuous forgiveness to
there's always stuff thathappens throughout the days or
throughout, you know, whateveryou're going through. And I
think
Bree (33:17):
if you can talk about it too at that person, that's huge.
And sometimes you're not alwaysready to talk right away. And
that's fine, too. But I thinktalking about it, you know, at
least verbalizing like, whyyou're hurt, why? That person
needs to ask for forgiveness. Ithink that's a huge part of this
whole thing, too. Yeah.
Nick (33:38):
And I want to say that I think part of forgiveness,
though, is to realize that, youknow, you're absolutely right,
somebody might not be able totalk about it. But I also want
to say that just because theother party may not be ready to
talk about it that has no shouldhave no reflection on who we
are. And I think for myself, Ialways took that personally,
(34:00):
like, oh my god, they don't wantto talk to me, you know, and I'm
sitting here trying to, youknow, ask for forgiveness. And
you know, what a bunch ofassholes and bla bla in the
bottom line is, we need to worryabout ourselves first. You know,
I've learned that I can askanybody for forgiveness, or I
can forgive anybody. But if Idon't have a clear mindset,
(34:20):
about who I am and where mygoals are, and what I want to
do, none of that's gonna matter.
Because a lot of forgiveness, Ithink, or asking for forgiveness
is sort of a way of sweepingthings under the rug, in a
sense, where, okay, that's over,right. It's, I got forgiveness,
and it's over. And that's theconclusion and whatever. And I
used to be a conclusion guy likeI, I want to know, you know, and
I think asking for forgiveness,like I said, is a bit of a form
(34:45):
of sweeping under the rug. Butonce you work on yourself, and
you understand what forgivenesstruly is, and what really were
the things that led up to eithergiving or, or asking for
forgiveness or expecting it.
Once your mind is clear withthat, then you like you said, it
(35:08):
may not be done right away andit's just such such a freedom.
Yes. Get your mind straight withit.
Bree (35:13):
Yeah. And it's also like, in my journey at least I've I
realize it's not like a snap ofthe fingers thing, like I used
to always think it was. It'slike a process like it's a
process. Yeah, like with myparents like, and I forgiven my
biological dad, but not, Iguess, you know, they'll be
(35:36):
like, past memories they'llthink about that aren't always
the most pleasant. And I'm like,those emotions come in, you
know, because we're human, andwe have those emotions. And then
I'll have to step back andeither pray or I'll have to talk
about with a friend or, youknow, counselor, whoever my
husband, and, you know, and thenkind of start all over the next
(35:59):
day. Like, it's just, it'sreally a process. Yeah,
Nancy (36:02):
I really is. I totally get that. Because of our son. I
mean, when we see him, there'scertain things that I mean, I'll
come to you and be like, bawlinglike what, you know, blah, blah,
blah, whatever. He's like, okay,just, you know, like, just
relax. It's
Nick (36:18):
good through let's,
Nancy (36:20):
you know, total process at it. And it does these things.
Like, I don't know, what's theword to use, you know, but it
kind of, it's like a flashback,like something just like, hits
you and it's like, holy shit,like, and you just want a burst
out. And, you know, it takeseverything in me to just be
like, just chill, like, relax.
You know, like you said, TakeYou know, I have to take a step
(36:43):
back. Sometimes I'll walk awaybecause I don't want to show the
facial Nancy is very facialperson can't keep you know,
let's face
Bree (36:56):
it resting bitchface you know, the same thing. So we're,
you know,
Nancy (36:59):
you don't I mean, like it's so it's so I totally
understand that. Totally manualprocess.
Nick (37:04):
So forgiveness is awesome.
All that's good. So you know, wecan get really caught up deep in
it. Yeah, it gets deep. And youknow, some of it can get a
little dark and sad. But some ofit's awesome. But here's the
cool thing. So through all ofthis, and before we end here, so
yeah, you went through all that.
Blah, blah, blah. But dude, youwind up getting married. You
(37:25):
guys are in Colorado. You haveyour second daughter, you guys.
Wind up. husband at home. Ifinally just bought. You have
like a little business outside.
You went back to school. You'relike, Dude, you guys are fucking
kicking it.
Bree (37:41):
Yeah. She's like, Yeah, yeah, I are not perfect. No. Who
cares? Yeah, it didn't stop. Youdidn't that we quit. I knew as
soon as I married this person toyou know, we were kind of, I
think after my daughter wasborn, like we both realized
(38:01):
like, This is it for us. But themarriage just being finalized
before my second daughter wasborn just kind of added, added
that seal like we're in ittogether for life. Till death do
us part. Like, don't take thatlightly. So for us, yeah, I
mean, we will continue to fightto kind of what you're saying
(38:22):
that because like we are, we'refighters in our own way. And
yeah, especially when it comesto my daughter's to like I had
noticed complete Mama Bear mode,just like Yeah, kinda. Yeah.
Isn't it crazy? Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. Very real. Oh, we
Nick (38:41):
might talking about.
Nancy (38:44):
We totally get that.
Bree (38:46):
I mean, like, my mom came to visit from my second
daughter's first birthday aboutcouple years ago. Now. Again, we
were in a good place, we werefine. Something happened where I
had to ask her leave. That'sreally of our house. And we
didn't talk for a good sixmonths after that, until I
reached out. And I kind of toldher like, we don't see eye to
(39:09):
eye on this specific topic. Iforgive you. I want you part of
our daughter's life's balls inyour court, you know, and she
kind of reiterated just kind ofwhat I said like I don't agree
with you either. But I forgiveyou. And I'm like, okay, so it's
not, it's not like I have thisbeautiful, perfect relationship
(39:32):
with my mom still there now. ButI'm at least able to set my firm
boundaries with her and have herknow her granddaughters too, and
Nancy (39:47):
your granddaughters don't even see her that way. You know
what I mean? They seem different
Nick (39:52):
to you not to allow that as well. Right? I mean, but then
why would you so you, wouldn'tyou? Your mom wouldn't have a
relationship But those girls, ifthat's the person your mom
portrayed herself to be anyway.
And the cool thing is, why wouldyou want to teach your daughters
of that person? You wouldn't?
That's not the reason why you'redoing this. You want to move on
(40:14):
with your life as well.
Bree (40:16):
I disagree with that. I think, eventually, when they're,
oh, age appropriate. I do wantto have that talk with them.
Like what I went through with,they're not, because, of course,
Nick (40:29):
I'm saying I'm saying at the time of they, they're not
even going to understand whatyou could tell them anything you
want right now about your mom,they're not going to understand
that it's not fair for them toeven have to even worry or think
about that. Or to even give themthe inkling of your mom being
that way. That would sway theirway. They're gonna have to grow
(40:51):
up in and find out who theirgrandma Oh, yeah, by themselves.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. With you, your yourgirls, we didn't tell ours. We
didn't tell him about what we Imean, little bit here and there,
but he didn't really, I'll behonest with you, he probably
learned the depth of what wewent through in this podcast.
(41:11):
And he's 33 years old. Yeah.
Like, he knew, right. But Idon't know, to the depth of the
feelings and what that what thatdid to us. And you know, what
that did to me or what that didto her. And as far as you know,
he knows, you know, when he wasraised, he wasn't raised with
his grandparents. Right? Thatwas it because of us. We had
(41:37):
said to our parents, look, ifyou want to be in our son's
life, you have to make an effortas well. Just
Nancy (41:44):
like you said, You know what I mean? Like, the balls in
your court. Now, mom, dad, youguys have to,
Nick (41:49):
they decided his grandparents decided not to be
grandparents. So it's a littlebit of a different story on
that. But that's why we chose tobe the grandparents that lived a
block away. We chose to insertourselves like nut jobs into
their lives. Because Because wethat's what we thought breaking
(42:13):
that cycle was. Yeah, right. Sothat so that our granddaughters
wouldn't be without grandparentswere, you know, that's just not
normal. Right? Like, it's notlike, I don't care what anybody
says, if, if your kids don'tknow, their grandparents, that's
(42:34):
part of life. Like, there's adifferent story there. There's a
different type of learning theirgrandparents have something to
to say also, without, like,they're the ones that are cool,
right? You know what I mean? Ifthe parents are jealous, it's
only but they're the ones thatare cool, like, grandma and
(42:54):
grandpa get to do stupid shitthat mom and dad can't do. And
so they should be allowed to dothat. I'm sorry, I'm getting off
on a little soapbox here. Just alittle bit. They have just like,
but but it is cool. I just findit awesome that we even had
another guest on here. Kelsey,who was the same way with her
(43:15):
mom, right? Yeah, no, her mom,still to this day. She hasn't
even had that conversation whereher mom is she's been able to
either ask for forgiveness orwhatever. But they still have a
working relationship because sherealizes that her mom is a
better person. This, you knownow, and that she can rely on
(43:36):
her to have a differentrelationship and that the mom's
not going to do anything stupidto ruin that relationship with
their child.
Nancy (43:43):
She's a grandmother.
Yeah, just like you said,there's boundaries.
Bree (43:47):
I hate that term to it.
Oh, dude. Oh my gosh, I feellike it and they abuse it, you
know, like, the process because
Nancy (44:01):
I know I was trying to figure out what the word is. But
I didn't want to say no,
Unknown (44:05):
no, I
Nick (44:07):
should just trigger something.
Bree (44:11):
Yeah, and anyone, I mean, friends, family, whoever, like
my thing is if you're, you treatboth of my girls with love and
care, you will be in our lives.
If I don't see that. If I see.
You know, hurting one of them.
You You're done. Like I'm yeah,the opposite. Yeah,
Nick (44:31):
but but whatever happened to that just be That's just
human. Human. Yeah. See, to methere shouldn't even have to be
a spoken word about that. Ifyou're if you're not in my life,
that's it. Like that's how lifewas right. If you're a kind
person when nobody really noweverything has a label. Right?
And again, we're not going toeven get into this because
(44:53):
everything has a label, but it'sso true. I mean, it makes sense,
right? That's just, who wouldn'twant someone to their life that
is going to enrich their livesor the lives of their children
or your relationship withanybody. Yeah, I mean that's and
be kind to people love people bekind treat so no label
Bree (45:16):
that's another I just passivity or passivity, passive,
passive
Nick (45:25):
passivity.
Unknown (45:26):
Isn't that a word?
Nick (45:28):
I guess it would be. I guess we'll have to look up in
the dictionary. Nancy ispassivity a word. For those
people out there, Otani willmake it a word for like a
Scrabble. No, this
Bree (45:39):
podcast will make you go.
Yeah, that. I think that'sanother thing too, that I have
realized. Like, there's beenupside with individuals like
that you're trying to forgive?
Or, you know, like through thewhole forgiveness process, just
being upfront, being upfrontabout your intentions, your
(45:59):
emotions, like none of thispassive aggressive. I can't do
that anymore. You know, and Isaw my younger self like kind of
brushing it like you were sayingyes to like brushing it under
the rug like, yeah, all I don'twant to just like let's move
forward. And now I'm like, oh,like, I need to talk about it.
If we're gonna have a fuckingauthentic relationship, right?
(46:21):
Yeah. I want to talk about it.
Right. But
Nick (46:25):
you know what your life and your if we go by feelings,
emote, whatever that is right.
All that. You're, you're worthway too much to not choose who
gets to be in your fucking life.
Nancy (46:35):
We're working too hard.
Nick (46:38):
Yeah, and we put too much energy into ourselves, to not
have the right to choose who'sin our lives, period. And that's
what people do. I mean, our son,you know, our daughter, that's
what they're choosing whetherwhether it's against us or not,
or whether we feel it's againstus or not. Everybody has that,
right? Like, if you feel youwant to put your energy into
(47:01):
something else, do it. And bythe way, passivity is a Word.
Word as a noun, you know, maybewe'll do a word of the day.
passivity is the acceptance ofwhat happens without action
response or resistance.
Nancy (47:21):
So you're right.
Nick (47:23):
Look at you see what that fucking education does? Well, I
just want to say, I mean, wecould go on and on and on and
have a five hour conversation. Ilove talking with you guys. And
next time, we'll have to getyour husband on and we'll have
to talk together. But I thinkit's awesome. And I really
appreciate you coming on. But sogive us a closing thing like for
(47:47):
forgiveness. You know, what,what do you think? We talked a
lot about here, right? We talkedabout getting your mind
straight. We talked about thatkind of stuff. But for you? What
was the biggest thing do youthink that allows you to find
strength to forgive your mom?
Bree (48:04):
Just having patience with myself. As seen earlier, I
thought forgiveness was justlike a snap of the finger thing.
And it's not. I mean, it's withanyone, not even just my mom,
like it's a process. And I'mjust learning to be patient with
myself protecting my peace atthe same time protecting my
(48:25):
family space. Yeah. And ifanyone is going through that
right now in the middle of kindof forgive someone or maybe
humbling yourself and beingforgiven for something, think
yourself because that's. Yeah,that's awesome. That's
Nick (48:47):
awesome. So yeah, so forgiveness. And one thing I
just even heard through that oreven just talking right now is
that this past hours thatforgiveness is, it's not a one
and done by any means. Becauseforgive if you have to forgive
someone for something, thensomething actually happened or
something perceived happened toyou. And it's definitely not a
(49:08):
one and done. I think it's acontinuation of just life in
general, like rage. I thinkforgiveness is like any, it's
like a daily thing to continue,even if it's forgiving yourself.
Bree (49:21):
Yeah, exactly. And I'm not a cricket guru by any means.
Like I there's, I'm stilllearning. I mean, that's just
what has worked for me. It's,you know, one being patient with
myself, and then protecting myfamily's peace. And also just
realizing it's not a one anddone thing.
Nick (49:40):
Yeah. And I think that's a big thing, not just to really,
really and we'll end with thistoo, is just to give yourself a
break. Yeah, right. I mean, justgive yourself a break. Give
yourself some peace. I've beenlike pat yourself on the back
like, Good fucking job. You knowthat like there's a lot of Get
out there. We don't even realizeyou know what we actually go
(50:03):
through on a daily basis andthen to have to deal with
worrying about shit like that.
It's just like
Bree (50:10):
take it easy.
Nancy (50:11):
Yep acts to cool on that note. Thank you
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