September 23, 2024 • 24 mins
Imagine standing in front of a mirror, ready to face the parts of yourself you've been avoiding. In this transformative episode, Judge Lynn Toler, known for her wisdom on Divorce Court and Marriage Boot Camp, shares her personal journey of emotional growth and self-reflection. Learn how Lynn's powerful "bathroom mirror mandate" can guide you in identifying and overcoming emotional challenges, turning weaknesses into strengths. Her insights inspire you to let go of the limiting “that’s just how I am” mindset, embracing a path of intentional self-improvement and mental health growth.
Curious about how setting boundaries can improve your relationships and mental well-being? Lynn Toler dives deep into her own life experiences, illustrating the power of asserting yourself early to avoid unnecessary conflict. Through touching stories, including a memorable moment at a department store, she emphasizes the importance of emotional resilience, kindness, and self-help strategies. Lynn's empowering messages inspire you to stay true to yourself, face challenges head-on, and navigate life with confidence. Tune in for actionable advice and motivation to help you harness your inner strength and create a more fulfilling, mentally healthy life.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know her as the longest presiding judge on
divorce court, for more than 14years.
Marriage boot camp and manyother programs.
A graduate of Harvard, judgeLynn Toler is the author of my
Mother's Rules Making MarriageWork and Dear Sonali Letters to
the Daughter I Never had, all ofwhich are dedicated to the
proper emotion, what it is andhow to find it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Remember under your skin is a sovereign country.
Don't go passing out passportsall willy-nilly to people who
don't belong there.
Let me help you protect youremotional borders so we can all
start feeling on purpose.
Hi, how you doing.
This is Judge Lynn Toler and Iwant to welcome you to another
(00:44):
edition of my podcast, feelingon Purpose, where I acknowledge
that you have the right to feelthe way you do and you have the
right to the feelings that youhave.
But the question becomes arethe feelings that you have doing
right by you?
See what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to tell you howto feel right by you.
(01:06):
See what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to tell you howto feel.
I'm trying to share with yousome processes and procedures so
you can decide how you want tofeel and implement that at any
time.
It is very difficult to do,especially in the world as it
exists today, but I'm a womanwho had to do it all her life.
I'm having to do it again andpart of that, part of being in
(01:28):
charge of your emotion, part offeeling purposeful, is having a
good, solid understanding ofwhat is wrong with you.
Do you know what's wrong withyou?
I don't know what's wrong withyou, but I think you should.
What's wrong with you is wherepeople can reach you and get at
you and do things to you.
(01:48):
So you got to secure whereyou're weak.
And you can't secure whereyou're weak if you're not
willing to look at it.
I mean I'm talking get in.
It's like I call it thebathroom mirror mandate.
You need to.
I mean, turn all the lights on,get a spotlight if you got one
makeup light this is allmetaphorical Look in that mirror
(02:10):
and say girl, dude, fella,whatever person, fido, how you
doing?
Fido, my dogs are driving mecrazy.
What's up with you?
Where are you weak?
What aren't you good at?
Now?
It's not an easy thing to do.
You know our brains acceptcriticism like it's an injury.
(02:32):
You know it's like oh my God,I'm being bothered here, I'm
being battered.
So, and everybody wants to puttheir best foot forward and I
always say focus on that.
One dragon behind, becausethat's the sucker, will trip you
up should you have to break outinto a run.
So I'm going to ask you againget in the mirror, turn on the
lights, review every bad thingyou've done, every insufficient
(02:54):
outcome, every anything else,and ask yourself what's wrong
with me.
Now it's not an easy thing todo, so I'll go first.
I've written it down andpublished it in a book.
Actually, I did it twice.
That book I published in 2020.
Oh my gosh 2007.
And this one I published in2019.
(03:16):
I have what's wrong with me ineach book.
Now, number one I write thesethings down so they can take
solid form.
I don't do well withamorphousness, you know, when
thoughts are just kind ofhanging around your head and you
don't know where they are.
(03:37):
I like to put things in solidform, in solid form.
So if I put my thoughts, myfeelings into words and then I
take those words and I throwthem on some paper, I have
access to them in a differentway.
I feel like they're moretangible Can you hear those dogs
down there with all thatnonsense More tangible.
So that's why I do that kind ofthing.
(04:00):
Now I'm not going to read thewhole thing because the list is
long, but I'm going to give youan idea of how it's done.
This is 2007,.
My week list.
I talk too much, I talk too fast, and if I'm talking to someone
who talks too slowly, I'llfinish his sentences for him.
That was my poor, poor, poorhusband.
He never got to finish thesentence for 20 years.
I tend to look for the worst ineverything and the best in
everybody.
(04:21):
I bore quickly and spook evenfaster.
I've been known to getdistracted by my own thoughts.
I engage in worry as an artform, and it goes on and on and
on.
But the thing is, those thingsexist within me, whether I
acknowledge them or not.
So if I acknowledge themwithout getting upset about it,
(04:42):
you know what I mean.
Being motivated is the art ofbeing dissatisfied without being
discouraged.
There's things about me I can'tchange.
Ain't nothing gonna happen?
I'm never gonna be any tallerthan 5'1".
I might get short.
I used to be 5'1 and a quarter,but you know, you get old and
you compress, so I'm 5'1".
(05:03):
I can't do anything about that,but I can do something about
all the things that I've writtendown, because I acknowledge
that they're hurting me morethan anybody else.
I want to be in charge of myday.
I want to be in charge of how Ifeel.
Now the thing is, there'sabsolutely no point whatever
(05:26):
Dogs are killing me no pointwhatever to know what's wrong
with you if you're simply notgoing to do nothing about it.
It used to drive me crazy.
On divorce court, people wouldsay that's just how I am and
that's just how I am.
That is the title page and theending sentence of a book that
(05:47):
ain't got nothing in it.
That just ain't how you are.
I mean, you are that way, butyou can decide to be something
else altogether.
Now, listen, I got that list andI've worked on that list for
years, and in 2019, when I wroteanother book look at that, this
is how my life is right.
I am a mess.
I wrote and I wrote anotherbook.
Look at that, this is how mylife is right.
I am a mess and I wrote myweaknesses in there, but I
(06:10):
thought I had the page number,but now I can't remember.
If I can find it, I will readit.
But apparently that's anotherthing that's wrong with me.
I very rarely can keep up withthings.
I'm a messy person.
But anyway, I'd read it too ifI can find it.
But I can't find it.
But anyhow, the point is thelist in 2019, though it had some
(06:32):
similarities to the list in2007, it's different because I
work on them.
I work on each and every issue Ihave.
You know took a while, butfinally my husband got to say
something in the marriage when Istarted to figure out the less
I say, the more years.
I finally figured that out andso I was fixing me.
(06:52):
Get my hands out of my head.
I was fixing me.
I learned to do a lot of those.
Now some of the things haven'tchanged because some things are
very deeply ingrained in yourpersonhood.
For example, anxiety is verydeeply ingrained in my
personhood.
I'm anxious, I'm depressed.
Sometimes.
(07:12):
Every once in a while I mean, Isee my psychiatrist once just
to make sure if something'sjumping off in there.
I want to be the first to know.
I want to get in there andtinker with it and fix it and
mess it up.
And the thing is most people areafraid of that.
You know, going to apsychiatrist means you're
(07:34):
mentally ill.
Going to a psychiatrist it'sshameful, it's indignant.
But let me tell you somethingmy mental health, if it is not
strong and it gets wrong, it'sgoing to hurt me more than it
hurts anybody else.
I check my physical health oncea year, you know.
(07:54):
And then you got to go.
You got to get a mammogram.
If you're a little lady, yougot to get a mammogram where
they just smush you.
But anyway, I'm sorry, youprobably didn't want to hear
about all that, but I don't know.
There's a lot of indignitiesthat go around.
I'm sorry, you probably didn'twant to hear about all that, but
I don't know.
There's a lot of indignitiesthat go around.
That's got nothing to do withnothing.
What I'm talking about is yourability to fix what's wrong with
you, because what's wrong withyou will hurt you more than will
(08:15):
hurt anybody else.
And oftentimes, when we askourselves what's wrong, we say
things like I don't have enoughmoney, I haven't done this, I
haven't done that, I haven'tdone the other thing.
And I'm not necessarily talkingabout actions.
I'm talking about patterns andprocedures, emotions and
(08:37):
feelings that get you intocircumstances that you don't
want to be in.
One of the things that I getyou into circumstances that you
don't know want to be in.
One of the things that I getyou into circumstances that you
don't know want to be in.
So I couldn't find my 2019.
(09:01):
A list of week or list ofissues or things that are wrong
with me.
But I'm going to tell you it'sobsolete because I had a major
life event.
Everybody knows what it is myhusband died and now I have to
update that list completely.
I'm going to find it and I'mgoing to go through what's in
(09:22):
there, and then I got to figureout what parts of the week that
I used to have when he wasaround are going to have an
opportunity to bubble up againbecause he isn't here.
For instance, I've gotten reallyweird about my car.
I'm really scared about, youknow, the tires and this and
(09:43):
that, and I tend to worry agreat deal tires and this and
that and I tend to worry a greatdeal.
And in 30 years, I neverworried about a functioning car
because, like once a month, I'dget in my car and my seat would
be all the way back.
My husband was 6'1" my dogsthat means he's been in it.
He's checked the oil gauge,he's checked the thing and he's
(10:05):
filled it up with gas.
He's done all kinds of thingsthat I don't have to worry about
.
Yesterday I was not yesterday acouple of days ago I was driving
and the low tire light came onand I cried at the intersection.
I've never seen a light.
Not that I've never seen alight come on in the car, but
the fact that the light didn'tcome on in the car reminded me
(10:26):
why the light wasn't on in thecar.
But the fact that the lightdidn't come on in the car
reminded me why the light wasn'ton in the car.
So now I have to get a wholenew relationship emotional
relationship with my automotivesituation.
Yeah, I know, the dog is backthere.
I don't know what to do aboutit.
I'm here, I'm alone.
We just going to have to workthrough it.
For those of you who arelistening to me, my eight month
old somebody is just crawlingall in my face.
(10:49):
So I have to rework what I workon, because now what I need to
work on has been implicated by ahuge life change and I have to
start all over again.
The one thing I want to be atakeaway from this is you just
can't leave it to how you feelto happen stance, because too
(11:12):
much is happening out there andyou don't want your stance to be
in jail.
I always tell this to peoplefeelings are fleeting but
felonies are forever, and thepeople that I used to see in
municipal court that were goingto jail had a bad moment that
led to one second and the nextthing you know it was the worst
(11:38):
thing in the world.
So when you're looking forwhat's wrong with you, you got
to be very, very careful not tostart listing other people's
circumstances and problems.
We have all got some kind ofjacked up mess in our history.
I mean stuff happens to us all.
(11:59):
I mean the family members andthe things I used to learn on
Marriage Boot Camp about.
I knew there was a lot ofdomestic violence and I knew
there was a lot of childhoodissues and stuff that weren't
cool.
But to talk to people and knowso many people who had had so
(12:22):
much trauma in their lives thatare just out there doing well
and fine and you just don't knowwhat fights they were fighting
it allowed me to see me in adifferent life is because I
always had this huge impostersyndrome going around doing this
, that and the other thing,especially given my line of work
, and I realized everybody alittle scared of something,
(12:44):
everybody got a little weirdworking in the back, everybody
got some issues that they'retrying to deal with.
The question is, what are yougoing to do?
Are you going to close youreyes so you don't feel bad about
it?
Are you going to pretend youain't got them?
Or are you going to dosomething about them?
And that doesn't mean you'renot being true to yourself,
(13:06):
because you can be true toyourself without being glued to
yourself.
I am me.
I am Lynn Toler, as weird asthat is and as weird as I have
been over the years.
I'm better, but I'm still that.
I haven't changed who I am toaccommodate society.
(13:28):
I have changed who I am toaccommodate my better self,
because my lesser self will geta hold on me, snatch me by my
neck and run me around if Idon't pay attention to it.
Let me give you an example.
There was a time in my life Iwas dealing with my little patch
(13:49):
of land theory, and my littlepatch of land theory was as
follows oh, I had thought it outand written it down, you see,
because I tell you I don't likeamorphousness, I like things to
be in solid form.
So my little patch of landtheory is this I ain't gonna get
mad at nobody about nothing.
Y'all do whatever you want, buthere are my boundaries, and my
(14:12):
boundaries are very, very small.
I will work with you, I willduck from you, I will.
I just I don't want no drama.
I am check this out a chick whohates conflict, whose
profession is lawyer and judge.
Can you imagine that this, youknow know, which implicates a
week that I had in college thatwe can talk about later.
But anyway, what was I talkingabout?
(14:33):
I'm getting older.
So, my little patch of land, aslong as you don't, if I try
really, really hard not to messwith you and you end up, I only
have a small patch of land I'mstanding on.
I don't want a whole lot ofthis.
I don't want a whole lot ofthat.
I don't have to expect a wholelot, but just don't step on my
patch of land.
But if you did step on my patchof land, I felt free to destroy
(14:57):
you verbally or do whatever.
I mean, I would just lose mymind, and I've done it a couple
of times to a couple of peopleand I usually have to apologize
(15:17):
afterwards because it isunseemly when I go there and I
realized after a while that moreand more people were stepping
on my patch of land.
So I had to sit down and thinkabout it.
Was my patch bigger?
Nope, same rules, sameregulation, same borders.
Do you want to know what wasdifferent People?
I was training the people that Iwas around to mess with me,
because I never said don't messwith me, I let everything slide.
So when you let everythingslide, people start sliding
(15:40):
things right in your direction.
And then, and then so more andmore people were like oh, she
doesn't get angry about this, Ican take advantage of her here,
I can take advantage of herthere.
Oh, she won't say anything.
She won't say anything, shewon't say anything.
And I lure them bit by bit, dayby day, smile by smile false,
okay, by false, okay, Hush,false, okay by false, okay into
(16:03):
the thought that they can doanything to me.
And then they would dosomething to me that I didn't
like.
And the next thing, you know, wewere off to the races.
And once you go off to theraces with me, oh, it's unseemly
, I'm embarrassed by it.
The dogs are killing me.
I'm embarrassed by it.
It's too much.
So I had to retire my patch ofland theory.
(16:25):
But it's not enough just toretire a theory, because it's
difficult to say I'm not doingthis anymore and hold that
ground.
So when I get rid of a theory Ihave to replace it with a new
theory.
Now what I replaced it with isknown borders.
(16:47):
In other words, I thought aboutthe people I'm dealing with,
either at work or at home, orsocially or whatever I was
dealing with, and I thoughtabout all the circumstances that
had led me to light folk.
And then I think about how theygot there.
And then I think about how theygot there and I figured out how
(17:08):
to draw a line sooner so Iwouldn't get angry.
Do you see what I mean?
Now I could have blamed themfor making me angry and doing
something that was rude to me orreally wrong.
I mean because they would doreally wrong stuff.
Because I would let them, Icould get mad at them and have a
legitimate reason to be angrywith them and I could get rid of
(17:30):
them.
You know how they always sayyou don't have to stay in
relationship with people who arecausing you trouble or doing
you wrong.
You don't have to do all ofthat.
But let me tell you somethingyou can get mighty lonely
because everybody can dosomething wrong every once in a
while, and if everybody is onebad event away from being
(17:52):
discarded, it's harder to live.
So instead of just being angrywith a whole lot of people who I
trained to mistreat me, Itrained myself to require people
to treat me nicely and listen,do it in a nice way, and that
was part of my problem.
I don't like no conflict, so Iwill let stuff slide, just so.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
I don't have conflict .
Speaker 2 (18:17):
You know I like to be happy, I like to make people
happy.
I don't like to cause peopletrouble because I don't like
people causing trouble for me,you know.
But I had to do theuncomfortable thing, which is
assert myself earlier in asituation, so I won't do the
ridiculous thing which was asoften the case go after somebody
(18:42):
inappropriately, unnecessarily,unequivocally and in a manner
in which requires a greatapology on my part.
Yeah, that's what that is.
I have tricks to everythingthat I do and I'm trying to
share the tricks with you.
So, as I do my update on what'swrong with me, there's your
(19:04):
couple long.
Write yourself a list.
They ain't got to show nobody.
You, just you don't.
I guess I write them in book.
I don't care, because if I knowabout it I can deal with it Now
.
For several episodes now, I'vebeen claiming that I'm going to
answer questions from people andI haven't been doing it.
But I'm going to start todayand it's a question from a
(19:26):
single mother.
She says she's 33, singlemother of three children.
Uh, she's in school and shesays that women her age are
focused on all the wrong things.
33 years old, okay, and being asingle mother, I can't work
because I have to be home withthe children.
I don't have really physicalsupport.
I've tried remote jobs.
(19:46):
They don't help.
My dating life is non-existencebecause guys are only worried
these days, are only worriedabout one thing.
That is not recent.
They were chasing.
Every chasing around at leaststarted in the 60s, because
that's what I got chased aroundman, I was scared of dudes.
I went to an all-girls schoolfor the longest and then I went
(20:07):
out and then I had a bunch ofcollege dudes to deal with and I
was.
I was horrified.
I mean just horrified day andnight.
But anyway, my but she's lonelyand tired.
She says how can I find a hobbywith no income?
How can I find friends who arelike-minded, like-minded like me
?
How can I find a good,wholesome guy with morals and
(20:29):
values who is not trying tosleep with me?
Well, first of all, here's mysuggestion, and it's what I'm
doing now, because I am havingto create an entirely different
life.
I'm using the internet now to goon sites like Meetup and Brown
Girls who.
But if you look, there arelocal sites about meeting people
(20:52):
, but they don't meet aroundnecessarily who you trying to
meet.
They meet around.
They want to read books.
They want to do art.
There's stitching, stitching B.
You know what I mean.
Just you know you have thingsthat you do.
I've joined a writer's group,which was stupid.
Trying to make friends in awriter's group, cause the group
(21:13):
is called shut up and write, sothere wasn't a lot of
conversation going on.
So I rethought that I'm goingto go to a writer's retreat.
Don't want to go, but I need toget out of the house.
But what I'm saying to you istake that, don't look for a
wholesome guy who is not lookingto sleep with you, because
(21:34):
that's kind of hard to find.
You know what I mean.
Go find something thatinterests you and do that, and
then you meet more people thatyou would never have met before,
that are interested in thingsthat you're interested in, and
then that's how you connect.
You cache.
Everybody keeps walking aroundtheir same block trying to find
somebody different, but the samepeople live on that block.
(21:56):
You got to get off that block.
You got to start doingsomething that's different,
that's new.
I wanted to take line dancingclasses and I didn't do that.
I signed up for a lot of stuff.
I didn't go to pickleball, butthere's a lot of stuff going on
out there that is interesting topeople and that have
(22:16):
interesting people in them.
So expand your mind, expandyour brain, expand your.
Your your place in the world,and then you expand the people
that you can, that you meet andthat you deal with.
And there are some fascinatingpeople out there that you simply
wouldn't run into becausethey're not on your block.
So get off your block and getoff your block and find what
(22:40):
you're interested in.
And these hobbies can be free.
You know these meet up placesand go hike or do whatever they
can be free.
So you know, that's mysuggestion there there.
And then I also said that I wasgoing to answer one personal
question each time.
So somebody asked me what's thebest compliment I ever got?
(23:01):
And the best compliment I evergot was from a man in May
Company.
It was a.
It was a department store likeDillard's back in the 19, like
1995, and I had bought a couchthere that I really wanted.
The department wasn't doingwell and he had gotten a
commission on it and it justkept not coming in and kept not
(23:21):
coming in and I didn't want tocancel the order because this
guy really needed it.
So I would come in and just sayhi.
And one day I guess a friend ofsomebody else in the department
was over there near there andsaid did you know she was a
judge?
And she goes.
I don't know anything.
I don't know anything aboutthat.
All I know is she's an awfullynice lady.
(23:43):
Awfully nice lady.
I was so tickled by that Ididn't know what to do.
But listen, tell you whatRemember folks?
Feelings of fleeting, feloniesof forever.
Stay cool, stay calm, staywithin yourself, because under
your skin is sovereign country.
(24:04):
So don't go handing outpassports all willy-nilly to
people who don't belong there.
That's what I say, that's whatI mean.
Get out there and act likeyourself and remember if
knowledge is power,self-knowledge makes you
Superman.
Get in the bathroom mirror,figure out your week and put
your cape on.
(24:24):
Get out there, solve crime.
Have a wonderful day and don'tforget.
Always feel on purpose.
You know her as the longest presiding judge on
divorce court, for more than 14years.
Marriage boot camp and manyother programs.
A graduate of Harvard, judgeLynn Toler is the author of my
Mother's Rules Making MarriageWork and Dear Sonali Letters to
the Daughter I Never had, all ofwhich are dedicated to the
proper emotion, what it is andhow to find it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Remember under your skin is a sovereign country.
Don't go passing out passportsall willy-nilly to people who
don't belong there.
Let me help you protect youremotional borders so we can all
start feeling on purpose.
Hi, how you doing.
This is Judge Lynn Toler and Iwant to welcome you to another
(00:44):
edition of my podcast, feelingon Purpose, where I acknowledge
that you have the right to feelthe way you do and you have the
right to the feelings that youhave.
But the question becomes arethe feelings that you have doing
right by you?
See what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to tell you howto feel right by you.
(01:06):
See what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to tell you howto feel.
I'm trying to share with yousome processes and procedures so
you can decide how you want tofeel and implement that at any
time.
It is very difficult to do,especially in the world as it
exists today, but I'm a womanwho had to do it all her life.
I'm having to do it again andpart of that, part of being in
(01:28):
charge of your emotion, part offeeling purposeful, is having a
good, solid understanding ofwhat is wrong with you.
Do you know what's wrong withyou?
I don't know what's wrong withyou, but I think you should.
What's wrong with you is wherepeople can reach you and get at
you and do things to you.
(01:48):
So you got to secure whereyou're weak.
And you can't secure whereyou're weak if you're not
willing to look at it.
I mean I'm talking get in.
It's like I call it thebathroom mirror mandate.
You need to.
I mean, turn all the lights on,get a spotlight if you got one
makeup light this is allmetaphorical Look in that mirror
(02:10):
and say girl, dude, fella,whatever person, fido, how you
doing?
Fido, my dogs are driving mecrazy.
What's up with you?
Where are you weak?
What aren't you good at?
Now?
It's not an easy thing to do.
You know our brains acceptcriticism like it's an injury.
(02:32):
You know it's like oh my God,I'm being bothered here, I'm
being battered.
So, and everybody wants to puttheir best foot forward and I
always say focus on that.
One dragon behind, becausethat's the sucker, will trip you
up should you have to break outinto a run.
So I'm going to ask you againget in the mirror, turn on the
lights, review every bad thingyou've done, every insufficient
(02:54):
outcome, every anything else,and ask yourself what's wrong
with me.
Now it's not an easy thing todo, so I'll go first.
I've written it down andpublished it in a book.
Actually, I did it twice.
That book I published in 2020.
Oh my gosh 2007.
And this one I published in2019.
(03:16):
I have what's wrong with me ineach book.
Now, number one I write thesethings down so they can take
solid form.
I don't do well withamorphousness, you know, when
thoughts are just kind ofhanging around your head and you
don't know where they are.
(03:37):
I like to put things in solidform, in solid form.
So if I put my thoughts, myfeelings into words and then I
take those words and I throwthem on some paper, I have
access to them in a differentway.
I feel like they're moretangible Can you hear those dogs
down there with all thatnonsense More tangible.
So that's why I do that kind ofthing.
(04:00):
Now I'm not going to read thewhole thing because the list is
long, but I'm going to give youan idea of how it's done.
This is 2007,.
My week list.
I talk too much, I talk too fast, and if I'm talking to someone
who talks too slowly, I'llfinish his sentences for him.
That was my poor, poor, poorhusband.
He never got to finish thesentence for 20 years.
I tend to look for the worst ineverything and the best in
everybody.
(04:21):
I bore quickly and spook evenfaster.
I've been known to getdistracted by my own thoughts.
I engage in worry as an artform, and it goes on and on and
on.
But the thing is, those thingsexist within me, whether I
acknowledge them or not.
So if I acknowledge themwithout getting upset about it,
(04:42):
you know what I mean.
Being motivated is the art ofbeing dissatisfied without being
discouraged.
There's things about me I can'tchange.
Ain't nothing gonna happen?
I'm never gonna be any tallerthan 5'1".
I might get short.
I used to be 5'1 and a quarter,but you know, you get old and
you compress, so I'm 5'1".
(05:03):
I can't do anything about that,but I can do something about
all the things that I've writtendown, because I acknowledge
that they're hurting me morethan anybody else.
I want to be in charge of myday.
I want to be in charge of how Ifeel.
Now the thing is, there'sabsolutely no point whatever
(05:26):
Dogs are killing me no pointwhatever to know what's wrong
with you if you're simply notgoing to do nothing about it.
It used to drive me crazy.
On divorce court, people wouldsay that's just how I am and
that's just how I am.
That is the title page and theending sentence of a book that
(05:47):
ain't got nothing in it.
That just ain't how you are.
I mean, you are that way, butyou can decide to be something
else altogether.
Now, listen, I got that list andI've worked on that list for
years, and in 2019, when I wroteanother book look at that, this
is how my life is right.
I am a mess.
I wrote and I wrote anotherbook.
Look at that, this is how mylife is right.
I am a mess and I wrote myweaknesses in there, but I
(06:10):
thought I had the page number,but now I can't remember.
If I can find it, I will readit.
But apparently that's anotherthing that's wrong with me.
I very rarely can keep up withthings.
I'm a messy person.
But anyway, I'd read it too ifI can find it.
But I can't find it.
But anyhow, the point is thelist in 2019, though it had some
(06:32):
similarities to the list in2007, it's different because I
work on them.
I work on each and every issue Ihave.
You know took a while, butfinally my husband got to say
something in the marriage when Istarted to figure out the less
I say, the more years.
I finally figured that out andso I was fixing me.
(06:52):
Get my hands out of my head.
I was fixing me.
I learned to do a lot of those.
Now some of the things haven'tchanged because some things are
very deeply ingrained in yourpersonhood.
For example, anxiety is verydeeply ingrained in my
personhood.
I'm anxious, I'm depressed.
Sometimes.
(07:12):
Every once in a while I mean, Isee my psychiatrist once just
to make sure if something'sjumping off in there.
I want to be the first to know.
I want to get in there andtinker with it and fix it and
mess it up.
And the thing is most people areafraid of that.
You know, going to apsychiatrist means you're
(07:34):
mentally ill.
Going to a psychiatrist it'sshameful, it's indignant.
But let me tell you somethingmy mental health, if it is not
strong and it gets wrong, it'sgoing to hurt me more than it
hurts anybody else.
I check my physical health oncea year, you know.
(07:54):
And then you got to go.
You got to get a mammogram.
If you're a little lady, yougot to get a mammogram where
they just smush you.
But anyway, I'm sorry, youprobably didn't want to hear
about all that, but I don't know.
There's a lot of indignitiesthat go around.
I'm sorry, you probably didn'twant to hear about all that, but
I don't know.
There's a lot of indignitiesthat go around.
That's got nothing to do withnothing.
What I'm talking about is yourability to fix what's wrong with
you, because what's wrong withyou will hurt you more than will
(08:15):
hurt anybody else.
And oftentimes, when we askourselves what's wrong, we say
things like I don't have enoughmoney, I haven't done this, I
haven't done that, I haven'tdone the other thing.
And I'm not necessarily talkingabout actions.
I'm talking about patterns andprocedures, emotions and
(08:37):
feelings that get you intocircumstances that you don't
want to be in.
One of the things that I getyou into circumstances that you
don't know want to be in.
One of the things that I getyou into circumstances that you
don't know want to be in.
So I couldn't find my 2019.
(09:01):
A list of week or list ofissues or things that are wrong
with me.
But I'm going to tell you it'sobsolete because I had a major
life event.
Everybody knows what it is myhusband died and now I have to
update that list completely.
I'm going to find it and I'mgoing to go through what's in
(09:22):
there, and then I got to figureout what parts of the week that
I used to have when he wasaround are going to have an
opportunity to bubble up againbecause he isn't here.
For instance, I've gotten reallyweird about my car.
I'm really scared about, youknow, the tires and this and
(09:43):
that, and I tend to worry agreat deal tires and this and
that and I tend to worry a greatdeal.
And in 30 years, I neverworried about a functioning car
because, like once a month, I'dget in my car and my seat would
be all the way back.
My husband was 6'1" my dogsthat means he's been in it.
He's checked the oil gauge,he's checked the thing and he's
(10:05):
filled it up with gas.
He's done all kinds of thingsthat I don't have to worry about
.
Yesterday I was not yesterday acouple of days ago I was driving
and the low tire light came onand I cried at the intersection.
I've never seen a light.
Not that I've never seen alight come on in the car, but
the fact that the light didn'tcome on in the car reminded me
(10:26):
why the light wasn't on in thecar.
But the fact that the lightdidn't come on in the car
reminded me why the light wasn'ton in the car.
So now I have to get a wholenew relationship emotional
relationship with my automotivesituation.
Yeah, I know, the dog is backthere.
I don't know what to do aboutit.
I'm here, I'm alone.
We just going to have to workthrough it.
For those of you who arelistening to me, my eight month
old somebody is just crawlingall in my face.
(10:49):
So I have to rework what I workon, because now what I need to
work on has been implicated by ahuge life change and I have to
start all over again.
The one thing I want to be atakeaway from this is you just
can't leave it to how you feelto happen stance, because too
(11:12):
much is happening out there andyou don't want your stance to be
in jail.
I always tell this to peoplefeelings are fleeting but
felonies are forever, and thepeople that I used to see in
municipal court that were goingto jail had a bad moment that
led to one second and the nextthing you know it was the worst
(11:38):
thing in the world.
So when you're looking forwhat's wrong with you, you got
to be very, very careful not tostart listing other people's
circumstances and problems.
We have all got some kind ofjacked up mess in our history.
I mean stuff happens to us all.
(11:59):
I mean the family members andthe things I used to learn on
Marriage Boot Camp about.
I knew there was a lot ofdomestic violence and I knew
there was a lot of childhoodissues and stuff that weren't
cool.
But to talk to people and knowso many people who had had so
(12:22):
much trauma in their lives thatare just out there doing well
and fine and you just don't knowwhat fights they were fighting
it allowed me to see me in adifferent life is because I
always had this huge impostersyndrome going around doing this
, that and the other thing,especially given my line of work
, and I realized everybody alittle scared of something,
(12:44):
everybody got a little weirdworking in the back, everybody
got some issues that they'retrying to deal with.
The question is, what are yougoing to do?
Are you going to close youreyes so you don't feel bad about
it?
Are you going to pretend youain't got them?
Or are you going to dosomething about them?
And that doesn't mean you'renot being true to yourself,
(13:06):
because you can be true toyourself without being glued to
yourself.
I am me.
I am Lynn Toler, as weird asthat is and as weird as I have
been over the years.
I'm better, but I'm still that.
I haven't changed who I am toaccommodate society.
(13:28):
I have changed who I am toaccommodate my better self,
because my lesser self will geta hold on me, snatch me by my
neck and run me around if Idon't pay attention to it.
Let me give you an example.
There was a time in my life Iwas dealing with my little patch
(13:49):
of land theory, and my littlepatch of land theory was as
follows oh, I had thought it outand written it down, you see,
because I tell you I don't likeamorphousness, I like things to
be in solid form.
So my little patch of landtheory is this I ain't gonna get
mad at nobody about nothing.
Y'all do whatever you want, buthere are my boundaries, and my
(14:12):
boundaries are very, very small.
I will work with you, I willduck from you, I will.
I just I don't want no drama.
I am check this out a chick whohates conflict, whose
profession is lawyer and judge.
Can you imagine that this, youknow know, which implicates a
week that I had in college thatwe can talk about later.
But anyway, what was I talkingabout?
(14:33):
I'm getting older.
So, my little patch of land, aslong as you don't, if I try
really, really hard not to messwith you and you end up, I only
have a small patch of land I'mstanding on.
I don't want a whole lot ofthis.
I don't want a whole lot ofthat.
I don't have to expect a wholelot, but just don't step on my
patch of land.
But if you did step on my patchof land, I felt free to destroy
(14:57):
you verbally or do whatever.
I mean, I would just lose mymind, and I've done it a couple
of times to a couple of peopleand I usually have to apologize
(15:17):
afterwards because it isunseemly when I go there and I
realized after a while that moreand more people were stepping
on my patch of land.
So I had to sit down and thinkabout it.
Was my patch bigger?
Nope, same rules, sameregulation, same borders.
Do you want to know what wasdifferent People?
I was training the people that Iwas around to mess with me,
because I never said don't messwith me, I let everything slide.
So when you let everythingslide, people start sliding
(15:40):
things right in your direction.
And then, and then so more andmore people were like oh, she
doesn't get angry about this, Ican take advantage of her here,
I can take advantage of herthere.
Oh, she won't say anything.
She won't say anything, shewon't say anything.
And I lure them bit by bit, dayby day, smile by smile false,
okay, by false, okay, Hush,false, okay by false, okay into
(16:03):
the thought that they can doanything to me.
And then they would dosomething to me that I didn't
like.
And the next thing, you know, wewere off to the races.
And once you go off to theraces with me, oh, it's unseemly
, I'm embarrassed by it.
The dogs are killing me.
I'm embarrassed by it.
It's too much.
So I had to retire my patch ofland theory.
(16:25):
But it's not enough just toretire a theory, because it's
difficult to say I'm not doingthis anymore and hold that
ground.
So when I get rid of a theory Ihave to replace it with a new
theory.
Now what I replaced it with isknown borders.
(16:47):
In other words, I thought aboutthe people I'm dealing with,
either at work or at home, orsocially or whatever I was
dealing with, and I thoughtabout all the circumstances that
had led me to light folk.
And then I think about how theygot there.
And then I think about how theygot there and I figured out how
(17:08):
to draw a line sooner so Iwouldn't get angry.
Do you see what I mean?
Now I could have blamed themfor making me angry and doing
something that was rude to me orreally wrong.
I mean because they would doreally wrong stuff.
Because I would let them, Icould get mad at them and have a
legitimate reason to be angrywith them and I could get rid of
(17:30):
them.
You know how they always sayyou don't have to stay in
relationship with people who arecausing you trouble or doing
you wrong.
You don't have to do all ofthat.
But let me tell you somethingyou can get mighty lonely
because everybody can dosomething wrong every once in a
while, and if everybody is onebad event away from being
(17:52):
discarded, it's harder to live.
So instead of just being angrywith a whole lot of people who I
trained to mistreat me, Itrained myself to require people
to treat me nicely and listen,do it in a nice way, and that
was part of my problem.
I don't like no conflict, so Iwill let stuff slide, just so.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
I don't have conflict .
Speaker 2 (18:17):
You know I like to be happy, I like to make people
happy.
I don't like to cause peopletrouble because I don't like
people causing trouble for me,you know.
But I had to do theuncomfortable thing, which is
assert myself earlier in asituation, so I won't do the
ridiculous thing which was asoften the case go after somebody
(18:42):
inappropriately, unnecessarily,unequivocally and in a manner
in which requires a greatapology on my part.
Yeah, that's what that is.
I have tricks to everythingthat I do and I'm trying to
share the tricks with you.
So, as I do my update on what'swrong with me, there's your
(19:04):
couple long.
Write yourself a list.
They ain't got to show nobody.
You, just you don't.
I guess I write them in book.
I don't care, because if I knowabout it I can deal with it Now
.
For several episodes now, I'vebeen claiming that I'm going to
answer questions from people andI haven't been doing it.
But I'm going to start todayand it's a question from a
(19:26):
single mother.
She says she's 33, singlemother of three children.
Uh, she's in school and shesays that women her age are
focused on all the wrong things.
33 years old, okay, and being asingle mother, I can't work
because I have to be home withthe children.
I don't have really physicalsupport.
I've tried remote jobs.
(19:46):
They don't help.
My dating life is non-existencebecause guys are only worried
these days, are only worriedabout one thing.
That is not recent.
They were chasing.
Every chasing around at leaststarted in the 60s, because
that's what I got chased aroundman, I was scared of dudes.
I went to an all-girls schoolfor the longest and then I went
(20:07):
out and then I had a bunch ofcollege dudes to deal with and I
was.
I was horrified.
I mean just horrified day andnight.
But anyway, my but she's lonelyand tired.
She says how can I find a hobbywith no income?
How can I find friends who arelike-minded, like-minded like me
?
How can I find a good,wholesome guy with morals and
(20:29):
values who is not trying tosleep with me?
Well, first of all, here's mysuggestion, and it's what I'm
doing now, because I am havingto create an entirely different
life.
I'm using the internet now to goon sites like Meetup and Brown
Girls who.
But if you look, there arelocal sites about meeting people
(20:52):
, but they don't meet aroundnecessarily who you trying to
meet.
They meet around.
They want to read books.
They want to do art.
There's stitching, stitching B.
You know what I mean.
Just you know you have thingsthat you do.
I've joined a writer's group,which was stupid.
Trying to make friends in awriter's group, cause the group
(21:13):
is called shut up and write, sothere wasn't a lot of
conversation going on.
So I rethought that I'm goingto go to a writer's retreat.
Don't want to go, but I need toget out of the house.
But what I'm saying to you istake that, don't look for a
wholesome guy who is not lookingto sleep with you, because
(21:34):
that's kind of hard to find.
You know what I mean.
Go find something thatinterests you and do that, and
then you meet more people thatyou would never have met before,
that are interested in thingsthat you're interested in, and
then that's how you connect.
You cache.
Everybody keeps walking aroundtheir same block trying to find
somebody different, but the samepeople live on that block.
(21:56):
You got to get off that block.
You got to start doingsomething that's different,
that's new.
I wanted to take line dancingclasses and I didn't do that.
I signed up for a lot of stuff.
I didn't go to pickleball, butthere's a lot of stuff going on
out there that is interesting topeople and that have
(22:16):
interesting people in them.
So expand your mind, expandyour brain, expand your.
Your your place in the world,and then you expand the people
that you can, that you meet andthat you deal with.
And there are some fascinatingpeople out there that you simply
wouldn't run into becausethey're not on your block.
So get off your block and getoff your block and find what
(22:40):
you're interested in.
And these hobbies can be free.
You know these meet up placesand go hike or do whatever they
can be free.
So you know, that's mysuggestion there there.
And then I also said that I wasgoing to answer one personal
question each time.
So somebody asked me what's thebest compliment I ever got?
(23:01):
And the best compliment I evergot was from a man in May
Company.
It was a.
It was a department store likeDillard's back in the 19, like
1995, and I had bought a couchthere that I really wanted.
The department wasn't doingwell and he had gotten a
commission on it and it justkept not coming in and kept not
(23:21):
coming in and I didn't want tocancel the order because this
guy really needed it.
So I would come in and just sayhi.
And one day I guess a friend ofsomebody else in the department
was over there near there andsaid did you know she was a
judge?
And she goes.
I don't know anything.
I don't know anything aboutthat.
All I know is she's an awfullynice lady.
(23:43):
Awfully nice lady.
I was so tickled by that Ididn't know what to do.
But listen, tell you whatRemember folks?
Feelings of fleeting, feloniesof forever.
Stay cool, stay calm, staywithin yourself, because under
your skin is sovereign country.
(24:04):
So don't go handing outpassports all willy-nilly to
people who don't belong there.
That's what I say, that's whatI mean.
Get out there and act likeyourself and remember if
knowledge is power,self-knowledge makes you
Superman.
Get in the bathroom mirror,figure out your week and put
your cape on.
(24:24):
Get out there, solve crime.
Have a wonderful day and don'tforget.
Always feel on purpose.
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