September 30, 2024 • 31 mins
What if losing your temper means losing control of your life? Join me, Judge Lynn Toler, as I take you through my personal journey of self-help, motivation, and mastering anger management in this episode of Feeling On Purpose. Drawing from my years on the bench and the emotional wisdom of my mother, we’ll explore how unchecked anger clouds judgment and leads to some of our worst decisions. We’ll dive into real-life scenarios—from traffic court outbursts to tense interactions with law enforcement—that show how anger distorts our thinking and makes us miss crucial chances to de-escalate.
We’ll also uncover the striking similarities between anger and intoxication, both of which create a false sense of control while undermining sound judgment. This episode will touch on the influence of anger in public discourse and politics, revealing how emotions, when unmanaged, can be mistaken for true power. You'll learn why managing your anger is essential—just like fortifying a city with walls—to protect your emotional well-being and avoid leaving yourself vulnerable.
Additionally, we’ll discuss the impact of anger on society and the importance of teaching emotional control early on. Initiatives like Bloom 365, which educate young people on healthy relationships and recognizing the signs of abuse, will highlight how vital it is to instill emotional intelligence from a young age. Through my personal stories and proven strategies for anger management, this episode will motivate you to take charge of your emotions, ensuring your responses are intentional and purpose-driven. Tune in to reshape your understanding of anger, and transform it into a tool for empowerment rather than destruction.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know her as the longest presiding judge on
divorce court, for more than 14years.
Marriage boot camp and manyother programs.
A graduate of Harvard, judgeLynn Toler is the author of my
Mother's Rules Making MarriageWork and Dear Sonali Letters to
the Daughter I Never had, all ofwhich are dedicated to the
proper emotion, what it is andhow to find it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Remember, under your skin is a sovereign country.
Don't go passing out passportsall willy-nilly to people who
don't belong there.
Let me help you protect youremotional borders so we can all
start feeling on purpose.
How y'all doing this is JudgeLynn Toler, and welcome back to
(00:41):
another episode of Feeling OnPurpose, the podcast dedicated
to the notion that under yourskin is a sovereign country, so
don't go handing out passportsall willy nilly to people who
don't belong there.
I want you to be in charge ofyour emotional house, and we're
constructing it right now.
This week's episode is about apet peeve of my mother's that
(01:06):
has become a pet peeve of mine,and that pet peeve is anger.
I rarely I thought about thismorning, I thought about this
that this morning I used to getangry all the time as a young
lady, as a little girl, as ayoung lady, as a middle-aged
lady and as an older woman lessand less and less, but I used to
(01:26):
get angry a lot, and angry hasalways authored some of my worst
moments in life.
My mother, on the other hand,who I considered to be an
emotional genius I think I'veseen her angry twice in the 57
years, or whatever, that I knewher and my mother's take on
(01:48):
anger was always this when youget mad, you lose.
And she was right about thatand she was saying you always
have to look at it that way.
If somebody else angers you,you have already lost, and I
(02:09):
took that as an axiom for years.
And then, as time went on and Isat on the bench in Cleveland
Heights and I sat on the benchin divorce court, I realized
that you lose when you get madbecause you lose access to so
much.
You lose access to your higherreasoning when you get angry,
(02:29):
because angry acts like staticin the brain and you've got all
of these hormones popping offcortisol and adrenaline and all
that good stuff, and things arejust happening in your head.
And since we feel far, farfaster than we think, our
feelings take over and when ourfeelings are out front, first
(02:49):
thinking, don't get a shot.
So the next thing, you know,you've lost access to your
higher reasoning.
You've also lost access to afair amount of logic.
You've lost access to exitramps.
Do you know?
Speaker 1 (03:05):
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Ain't nothing like a good exit ramp, if you ask me.
In other words, you're in asituation that is not going well
, do you have a way out?
I love a good exit ramp, butwhen you're angry, you're
driving right past all the goodexit ramps.
Let me give you an example.
You ever watch the people onTikTok or YouTube or Instagram
(03:30):
or whatever that are all poppypoppy with the police until they
go into handcuffs?
And I'm talking about peoplethat you know, middle class
folks like me.
You know regular ladies out andthey might have been drinking a
little too much or whatever, butare outraged by the notion that
they could be arrested and theyget angry because they are
(03:53):
insulted, that they as anindividual is being treated like
a common criminal, even thoughthey engaged in some criminality
and because they didn't seethemselves as criminals.
It made it all that worse andthe reason I truly believe
that's true is because ofThursdays in Cleveland Heights,
(04:13):
thursdays was my traffic court,and I mean to tell you, when
regular folk like you and me geta traffic ticket, some of us
get very, very excited and upsetabout it.
It was the most outrageous dayof my docket.
I mean, I have arraigned peoplefor beating and killing and
(04:35):
just negligent homicide orvehicular homicide.
But I've done all of thosethings and what I realized was
regular people who've been toldthat they've done something
wrong take great offense to it.
Take great offense to it evenif they're wrong, and usually
the ones that you see on TVthey've been drinking.
And so when you're drinking,drinking is a little like being
(04:58):
angry.
You lose access to a bit ofyour higher reasoning and you go
with the flow and you can'tcontrol where you go.
But anyway they get so angrythat they miss all the exit
ramps.
They could have complied at anypoint.
They could have just stoppedtalking at any point.
(05:20):
Ron White tells the funniestjoke about he was getting thrown
out of a bar and the policetold him that he had the right
to remain silent.
And he said but he did not havethe ability.
I love Ron White.
He's hilarious, but anyway youmiss the exit ramps because
you're wrapped up in whereyou're going.
You're wrapped up in where youare.
(05:40):
You can't see the circumstancearound you because it limits
your vision.
It pulls everything into focusbecause only thing on your mind
is that thing that made youangry right there.
So they miss the exit ramp andend up in the pokey.
And when you get mad, you do infact lose, and I think that is
(06:01):
something that we need to remindourselves of in this current
climate where even our electedofficials and I'm not talking
about the presidential electioneven I watched congressional
hearings, I don't know why.
I also watched plane crashes,so I got something to talk to my
psychiatrist about this week,but anyway, they seem to be
(06:22):
trying to one up each other onanger now, because this is how
we are.
We're going to cook.
I saw a young lady talkingabout let me cook let me cook,
let me cook.
You feel powerful when you cook.
You got all those words and allthat angst and all that energy
behind those words and you'refeeling quite dramatically about
(06:43):
whatever you're talking about,because you are angry.
And so they say let me cook,let me cook Like I am in control
, I am in power.
Now I'm going to tell you myfavorite not my favorite phrase
in the Bible, but one of.
I just love this one.
I have to read them because youknow there's so many different
(07:04):
Bibles and everything and Idon't.
It's Proverbs 25, 28.
And it says anger is like acity broken into and left
without walls.
Do you hear that?
Anger is like a city brokeninto and left without walls.
It makes you vulnerable.
It doesn't make you stronger.
It makes you vulnerable.
(07:24):
Now.
It might make you harder todeal with in the current
circumstance.
It might give you the power topunch a little more potently or
run a little more quickly, butit does not empower you with
greater reasoning ability.
Anger is often an able imposter.
Mostly, it is no more than fearor frustration, all dressed up
(07:48):
in military garb, impersonatingpower.
It's not real power.
The cop in that situation hadreal power.
The ladies that are angry.
You know, susie or Tanya orTaniqua.
Susie or Tanya or Taniqua,intoxicated, was angry and
(08:10):
thought that they were powerfulin that moment by using their
words in a manner that got themarrested.
But they had lost power in thatmoment.
They were frustrated, they werefearful and they allowed that
to tell them what to do, andthey allowed that to tell them
what to do and they feltpowerful in the moment till they
hear the clink, clink of thehandcuffs that come for you
(08:32):
eventually.
So the question that we all haveto ask ourselves is how often
do I get angry?
What do I get angry about?
Is my anger enabling me to dosomething?
But now, sometimes you gotta beangry.
You know, sometimes angry ishelpful.
Let me try to think ofsomething.
(08:53):
My brain is not helping meright now my dog.
I had to get angry with my dogso I could lift it up and put it
somewhere because I had to takeit to the vet because it had
done something, and upset washelpful in that moment, but I
already had plans about what Iwas due.
So a little bit of, and then itwasn't really anger, it was
(09:14):
pretty much anxiousness andupset and distress.
But you know, a lot of thoseare the same chemicals.
But sometimes, you know,somebody hits my kid or a little
kid or something, I might getangry and jump in and fight and
that's where anger helps you.
But that's rarely thecircumstances when we pull out
our anger.
And if we are prone to anger,our anger runs us, not the other
(09:38):
way around.
One of my favorite tolerisms andI have a lot of tolerisms
around anger is that and I gotto look it up now, no well, let
me look it up that if just abouteverything offends you, anybody
can own you.
I mean, think about it.
There is this thing, a bit ofvirtue signaling, going on where
(09:59):
everybody is.
How could you laugh at that?
It's not funny, do you know?
Do you know?
And you know everybody'slooking to get outraged.
Somebody takes a sentence andthen people just keep moving on
it and moving on it and talkingabout it, and talking about it,
and talking about it, as ifthese small things upset me
because I am such great moralcharacter, you know, like the
(10:21):
princess and the well, anyway,upset me.
But the thing is, if you areoffended by everybody else's
failure, weakness not quiterightness stuff, you don't know
about them but you've judgedthem incorrectly.
If you're angry, you just don'thave access to understanding
(10:45):
the thing with which you areangry.
And if you can't understandthat and you might think you do,
your fear of them, theirotherness, their lack of
submission will let you thinkthat they are a real threat to
you and are appropriate targetsof your anger.
(11:07):
But you don't really know,because anger has taken your
ability to understand, nuance,to reflect, to really you can't
even listen.
Well, when you're angry, youcan't hear, and what you hear
isn't quite correct because ithas to come through all that
static, all of that hoopla thatis happening in your brain.
(11:30):
So, while it feels powerful inthe moment to express your anger
like that, you always have tobe in a position to use your
second set of eyes.
We've talked about this before.
I have a second set of eyesthat my mother had took decades
delivering to me.
That allows me to step awayfrom myself more often than I
(11:54):
otherwise would be able to andassess what I'm doing from a
more objective perspective.
Perspective, and I want you tohave your second set of eyes.
And the second set of eyes areso incredibly important when
you're dealing with anger,because anger hops on you so
quickly.
(12:15):
Anger is often a response tofear.
You know what did he do?
You know that fear and yourbody releases all of these
chemicals that tell you you knowyou got to fight and you got to
carry on.
You got to do this and do thatand, yes, if a dog comes in the
room, you got to run or you gotto deal with it if it's trying
(12:35):
to hurt you but you don't know.
We often get angry or feelinsulted or fearful from
comments that are about insultor just you, you're not like me
and you want things not like me,or whatever it is.
We're so categorical these days.
Have we not built ourselvessome sad little silos where
(12:59):
everybody I mean in concentriccircles that are smaller and
smaller you have to like thisthis much in this way and you
have to hate that that much inthat way in order for you to be
one of us.
And if you don't hate all thethings to the extent I hate them
, the way I hate them and why Ihate them, and if you express
(13:19):
anything that is not completelyin line with how I feel about it
, completely in line with how Ifeel about it, I will other you
as well, and we end up insmaller and smaller and smaller
and smaller silos.
And I know it sounds like wefeel more brave and strong in a
group, and that's true.
(13:40):
It has benefits.
But there are also problemswith grouping up, and I know
everybody's talking about youknow.
First of all, I won't talkabout nobody else's religion
because I don't want nobodytalking about mine.
I ain't in it, but I will speakon it.
Historically, you know, italways sounds good at a point.
For instance, there are thosewho say they want this to be a
(14:02):
Christian nation and that theseparation of church and state
was just mentioned in a letterand it's not necessarily in the
Constitution.
However, the Constitution saysin the First Amendment that the
government ain't going to getinto religion in no way, shape
or form and in order to be aChristian nation, you have to be
dictating what the religion ofthe country is.
(14:23):
But when you remember it, whydid they do that?
Ask yourself, why did they comeover here and do the First
Amendment?
Why did they come over here atall?
Because they were running fromreligious oppression elsewhere
in England.
But they weren't running fromthe Sunnis or the Shia, they
weren't running from Jews, theywere running from other
Christians you know what I mean.
We're all Christian does notsolve the problem.
(14:45):
It didn't solve the problemwith them.
You know they had all of thatyou know you're going to be a
Protestant or a Catholic.
It was all one religion first.
So it's splintered, just likethe Sunnis and the Shiites
splintered, you know, you know.
Anyway, don't get me started.
All I'm saying is people tendto silo up and their groups get
(15:07):
smaller and smaller and smaller,because once you're in that
group, you want to dictate terms.
When you dictate terms like youcan't, we're in a place where
we can't accept difference.
I want to be in a room whichyou'd be unlike you and it not
bother me or you.
You know what I mean.
But anyway, back to the topicof hand at hand, which is anger.
(15:29):
You know, with every tempertantrum we hurl.
Every temper tantrum we hurl.
With every epithet we hurl.
With every temper tantrum wehave we teach our children how
to feel.
Now, when you look at all therage and everything that's going
on, when you look at your ownlife, you have to ask yourself
before you conduct business.
If my five-year-old were doingit, would I tell them it's a
(15:53):
good thing.
My mother told me that once,and it just I mean right there,
because I could get horriblyangry and to be a mean person.
My sister told me one time Iasked her one Christmas.
She never hung out with me Onebecause I was boring and I
didn't want to go anywhere andthat was part of the problem.
She also said because you weremean and I was mean, and I was
(16:14):
mean because I was angry and Iwas angry because I was afraid
and fear.
You know, you respond to itwith that anger and that's why
I've had to fight anger all mylife.
It is my fear dictating termsand pushing me to a conclusion
of horror and catastrophe.
That is incorrect, because mymind had been hijacked by all of
(16:39):
those chemicals.
And it's happening more andmore and more.
It's happening more and moreand more.
I saw it from the bench inCleveland Heights.
You see it, you see it online.
What was it in Kentucky?
Two friends, a judge and asheriff.
Sheriff shoots him in hischambers.
They were going to lunch butthey got in an argument about
(17:00):
something and he had a gun onhim.
He got mad and he got shot.
And everybody wants to say we'researching for motive.
We're searching for motiveOften, and we do need to search
for motive.
We always do, because we can'tfix what we don't know, what we
don't understand and don'tacknowledge, but what most
people are looking for whenthey're searching for motive is
motive that would be sufficientfor them to say I understand why
(17:23):
he did that that way.
You know you want to say oh,it's mental health, it's mental
illness.
You don't have to be mentallyill to do some crazy stuff, you
don't have to have a diagnosis,you don't have to have a flag in
the DSM-5 in order to have anemotionality that does not
conduct business well withregard to what you're doing,
(17:45):
what you're seeing or whatyou're saying.
So my thing is we either talkabout rights and
responsibilities and we talkabout mental health.
Like you know, get diagnosed.
If mental health is real,there's problems.
But everybody has a mentalhealth moment at some time and
in some places, and it's notnecessarily because it's just
(18:07):
because you're angry.
And we teach our children howto be angry, when to be angry
and with whom to be angry.
And so you have to ask yourself, in every circumstance in which
you could get angry, whetheryour children are there or not,
or whether or not you havechildren, is is my anger
(18:28):
something that I would?
Is this anger something I wouldask my five-year-old not to
entertain?
Now, that's a difficult thingto do because anger jumps on you
so quickly.
So in order to deal withanything that jumps on you so
quickly, you have to have plansbefore anything happens at all.
(18:52):
The time to decide to not getangry about something is before
anything at all happens.
It's right first thing in themorning, when you talk to
yourself about who you are andwhere you are, you know, like
the weather report I give aweather report every morning how
you feeling.
Tola, you know you're a moodychick.
(19:12):
Did you have a bad night lastnight?
Did you sleep enough?
Are you worried about something?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Let's figure out what it is.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
You know, I used to well, I had a worry book, which
is another thing, but I wouldlist what I was worried about
because it was just so taxing.
You know, it was just so taxingto worry.
I had to chase all of the fearsin my head because I always
believed that each andeverything that I was worried
about will necessarily end me,you know, which is silly and
(19:40):
ridiculous, ridiculous.
But you stay angry a lot whenyou're afraid a lot because
you're always under threat andyou're always like soaking in
the soup of of of hormonesdesigned to agitate you and
engage in behavior.
So you just got to watch that.
But so you have to have a wayto intercept your anger.
(20:02):
Talked about it before.
I used to intercept it withdeeds.
You know I'd have to stop If mymother had a gold phrase for me
let me tell you something.
If I ever hear you say, let metell you something, step back
and then watch me step back,because that means I'm angry and
I'm about to say something thatI'm probably going to have to
apologize for, and I wouldrather just not get angry.
(20:23):
So you have to intercept youranger.
So you have to.
A way to intercept your angeris A to know what your triggers
are.
I hate that word trigger, butanyway to know what the things
that usually make you mad are.
Triggers are.
To me, a trigger is a real thing.
You pull it and a bullet comesout.
Emotional triggers they're real.
(20:43):
I'm sure there are things thattrigger me emotionally, but I
like to say that I have to havea million pounds of pressure on
my trigger.
I want to have a trigger thatneeds a million pounds of
pressure to pull, because thatmeans the world has less control
over me.
Because you ain't pulling yourtriggers, the world is pulling
(21:06):
that trigger.
And if you only need a half apound of pressure I don't know
how much is a lot of pounds ofpressure because I don't know
nothing about nothing but if youcan go off with very limited
pressure, pounds of pressure,then the world is running you.
You're not running your worldand you don't want that because
everybody out there doing thingsand angry and upset.
(21:27):
So if you know how, you knowwhen it's going to show up, what
it looks like, where it usuallyshows up, and then what is it
you do when you get to the angryplace, a lot of us fail to make
sure that we know where the madis supposed to go.
My boss can make me angry, butsince I can't holler at him or
(21:49):
her and go home and fuss at myhusband about something that he
should have done but reallywasn't worth a full fuss, you
don't want to take boss mad homeor wife angry to work.
Even when we're angry, we'renot foolish.
I used to my mom used to usehis cop friend and he was huge,
(22:14):
like six, seven, just huge, andhe would walk into circumstances
and he'd grab somebody and thatdude would stop swinging and he
said, oh man, why you weretrying to wail on her like that.
He said I couldn't help myself.
He said, well, you helpedyourself.
When I came in the room youstopped.
You know, we know who we can'tgo all the way angry with.
(22:36):
If there's a man coming in thishouse with a gun and three men
with a gun, I'm not going tocome in.
What are you doing in my house?
I'm going to run, I'm going todo something.
Hopefully the dogs are chewingon them while I'm out the window
.
But you usually get mad at thenearest person or the easiest
target Because even thoughyou're mad, your body don't.
(22:58):
You don't want to die and yourmind knows that.
So you got to make sure youknow where the mad is supposed
to go, and misplaced angerallows us to take out our upset
on any and everybody.
It authors an unmanagedresponse to everyday emotional
(23:23):
triggers.
You know what I mean.
And it can become a habit.
You know people can get in thehabit of being angry and even
after the thing that angeredthem is no longer there or no
longer there, they're in thehabit of feeling upset.
And when you're in the habit offeeling upset, when there's
nothing to be upset about, yourmind finds something to be upset
(23:46):
about.
Let me tell you what I do.
I just discovered this todayand I'm tickled one, because I
usually don't have manyepiphanies.
I have epiphanies because I'mone of these people that, just
you know I'm pedantic.
You know I don't storm cities,I guerrilla fight house to house
.
But anyway, why was I tellingyou that I guerrilla fight house
(24:08):
to house?
Well, the epiphany that I hadthis morning was I was working
up a strong stress response tomy dirty flow.
My dogs had dug up thesprinklers in my backyard and
made a water park.
They went out there, theyplayed in it, they tore it up.
(24:28):
They were mud.
Then they flew through thehouse.
I had mud everywhere and Icouldn't get it fixed right away
, so I had a couple of days ofthis.
Anyway, my house was justfilthy, just absolutely filthy,
and I have bought moms.
I Oceter did not make my lifeeasier, I don't know how that
happened.
(24:49):
I bought some mop.
I bought one mop twice, didn'trealize that new mop heads
everything.
All I'm doing is slurryingaround the dirt and I was mad
about it and I got fixated on itand I was like I got angry
about it.
It's just ridiculous.
And then I thought to myself inthe pantheon of indignities
(25:12):
that I have suffered in the pastcouple of years.
My husband died.
He was my life and when he diedeverything just caved in and I
had all of these extraordinarilydifficult things to do.
So I was putting out fires allday long and just just
(25:32):
struggling and struggling, andstruggling, and I got used to
struggling.
I got used to being upset allday.
So when I had some of thoseproblems solved they ain't all
solved, but when I had some ofthem solved I brought some small
problems up from the basementof my brain and I allowed them
(25:54):
to meander through the mainrooms of my house of my mind,
the main rooms of my mind.
That's where they were, and Iwas just as agitated by that as
I was by the visit from thepolice two weeks ago, which I
ain't gonna tell you about.
My life is a little moresparkly than you think.
I just can't tell those stories, you know.
(26:17):
But that's what that is.
You know, you have to be ableto see your anger as a separate
thing and something that youmanage and you control, so it
don't control you.
Then you got to work yourquirks in the way they work for
you.
And when I say working yourquirks, I mean I know what makes
(26:39):
me angry.
I make sure that every day,because I'm moody, my quirk, so
I ask myself who I am, where Iam and what I'm doing and what
I'm feeling.
Every day I talk to myself agreat deal.
Lynn, don't get angry, lynn.
That is a fear.
Move, stop right now.
Is it that important?
If you were on your deathbed,would you think about this
(27:03):
instance as something worthagitation?
I ask myself all the time, talkto myself all the time is it
worth it?
Is it real, is it necessary?
Is it for you, is it right, isit wrong?
You gotta ask or you won't know.
Anyway, you gotta work youranger just like you work your
other emotions, except it tendsto be more aggressive and
(27:23):
quicker, because you have to befearful, for the fear and then
the anger.
Not always or often Frustrationand then the anger.
And the more you see others asother, the easier it will be to
get angry.
That's all I have to say aboutthat.
So pay attention to how you feel, pay attention to what you're
(27:45):
doing, pay attention to what'shappening, pay attention to your
circumstances, because the lastthing you want in this world is
for the world to know whereyou're weak and just get up in
there and decide that they canmanage your day for you.
I'm sure the sheriff and thejudge, whatever they were upset
about, was not worth both oftheir lives.
(28:06):
But in that moment, in thatmoment in Taco Bell, in that
moment when you got rear-ended,in that moment you have to be
able to manage your emotionality.
And to the extent that we don't, given what's in the zeitgeist,
let's go shoot people.
I do want to tell you about aproject that I worked on called
(28:26):
Bloom 365, in which we used togo into schools to help people.
It was for, to teach youngchildren what a healthy
relationship looks like, becausewe always talk about domestic
violence can often one in fourpeople, one in four women less
men, but still both ways.
It's not one way or the other.
(28:48):
The majority are women and wewould go into schools and not
only talk to young people abouthow to recognize the signs of an
abusive relationship so youdon't get in.
It is how to recognize if youare an abuser in a relationship
so you can stop it.
And when we did that, we went inand heard the stories and the
(29:11):
emotionality of these kids.
That and in each and every one.
Well, I will say this there arethose.
We we used to give them what wecalled elephant in the room
cards.
So, because they're not goingto tell you nothing spectacular
by standing up and raising theirhand and they could write down
what they're feeling and wewould have people I'm going to
(29:35):
change this in terms oftechnical terms, but this is the
level of what this person wastalking about.
She said I'm going to kill himand everybody who didn't believe
me when I told them what he did.
And every time we got into aschool, you would see two or
(29:58):
three very alarming elephant inthe room cards.
That were the fear and thefrustration that could burst
into anger at some point, andwhat we would do is we would
figure out who people were, wewould surround them and try to
get them together.
But you know, an ounce ofprevention is worth a pound of
(30:20):
cure, and when you're angry, weteach our children when and how
and what to be angry about.
If we don't manage how we feel,how we feel will manage us and
we have got to act.
Like all of the rages and thehorror that is happening is
(30:42):
something that we have theability to affect simply by
existing in the world in a lessemotionally unmanaged way, and
that ain't going to change theworld.
If 10 of us, it ain't going tochange the world.
If 20 of us, it ain't going tochange the world.
But if you get critical mass ofa certain percentage, it begins
to move the masses in general.
(31:06):
And all I'm saying is you wantpower.
The power you have to have overfirst is you.
I always say in any fight youhave, the first battle is always
with yourself, because you gotto show up correctly, not show
up in a manner that, forinstance, donald Trump, I don't
care if you like him or youdon't like him.
I don't care if you like Kamalaor you don't like her.
(31:27):
Let me say this she knew whatto do, to get under his skin,
and that was an emotional doorthat he had yet to shut.
It can expose you.
So, anyway, that's it, feelingon purpose, feel better, feel
fine, feel good.
You know her as the longest presiding judge on
divorce court, for more than 14years.
Marriage boot camp and manyother programs.
A graduate of Harvard, judgeLynn Toler is the author of my
Mother's Rules Making MarriageWork and Dear Sonali Letters to
the Daughter I Never had, all ofwhich are dedicated to the
proper emotion, what it is andhow to find it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Remember, under your skin is a sovereign country.
Don't go passing out passportsall willy-nilly to people who
don't belong there.
Let me help you protect youremotional borders so we can all
start feeling on purpose.
How y'all doing this is JudgeLynn Toler, and welcome back to
(00:41):
another episode of Feeling OnPurpose, the podcast dedicated
to the notion that under yourskin is a sovereign country, so
don't go handing out passportsall willy nilly to people who
don't belong there.
I want you to be in charge ofyour emotional house, and we're
constructing it right now.
This week's episode is about apet peeve of my mother's that
(01:06):
has become a pet peeve of mine,and that pet peeve is anger.
I rarely I thought about thismorning, I thought about this
that this morning I used to getangry all the time as a young
lady, as a little girl, as ayoung lady, as a middle-aged
lady and as an older woman lessand less and less, but I used to
(01:26):
get angry a lot, and angry hasalways authored some of my worst
moments in life.
My mother, on the other hand,who I considered to be an
emotional genius I think I'veseen her angry twice in the 57
years, or whatever, that I knewher and my mother's take on
(01:48):
anger was always this when youget mad, you lose.
And she was right about thatand she was saying you always
have to look at it that way.
If somebody else angers you,you have already lost, and I
(02:09):
took that as an axiom for years.
And then, as time went on and Isat on the bench in Cleveland
Heights and I sat on the benchin divorce court, I realized
that you lose when you get madbecause you lose access to so
much.
You lose access to your higherreasoning when you get angry,
(02:29):
because angry acts like staticin the brain and you've got all
of these hormones popping offcortisol and adrenaline and all
that good stuff, and things arejust happening in your head.
And since we feel far, farfaster than we think, our
feelings take over and when ourfeelings are out front, first
(02:49):
thinking, don't get a shot.
So the next thing, you know,you've lost access to your
higher reasoning.
You've also lost access to afair amount of logic.
You've lost access to exitramps.
Do you know?
Speaker 1 (03:05):
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Ain't nothing like a good exit ramp, if you ask me.
In other words, you're in asituation that is not going well
, do you have a way out?
I love a good exit ramp, butwhen you're angry, you're
driving right past all the goodexit ramps.
Let me give you an example.
You ever watch the people onTikTok or YouTube or Instagram
(03:30):
or whatever that are all poppypoppy with the police until they
go into handcuffs?
And I'm talking about peoplethat you know, middle class
folks like me.
You know regular ladies out andthey might have been drinking a
little too much or whatever, butare outraged by the notion that
they could be arrested and theyget angry because they are
(03:53):
insulted, that they as anindividual is being treated like
a common criminal, even thoughthey engaged in some criminality
and because they didn't seethemselves as criminals.
It made it all that worse andthe reason I truly believe
that's true is because ofThursdays in Cleveland Heights,
(04:13):
thursdays was my traffic court,and I mean to tell you, when
regular folk like you and me geta traffic ticket, some of us
get very, very excited and upsetabout it.
It was the most outrageous dayof my docket.
I mean, I have arraigned peoplefor beating and killing and
(04:35):
just negligent homicide orvehicular homicide.
But I've done all of thosethings and what I realized was
regular people who've been toldthat they've done something
wrong take great offense to it.
Take great offense to it evenif they're wrong, and usually
the ones that you see on TVthey've been drinking.
And so when you're drinking,drinking is a little like being
(04:58):
angry.
You lose access to a bit ofyour higher reasoning and you go
with the flow and you can'tcontrol where you go.
But anyway they get so angrythat they miss all the exit
ramps.
They could have complied at anypoint.
They could have just stoppedtalking at any point.
(05:20):
Ron White tells the funniestjoke about he was getting thrown
out of a bar and the policetold him that he had the right
to remain silent.
And he said but he did not havethe ability.
I love Ron White.
He's hilarious, but anyway youmiss the exit ramps because
you're wrapped up in whereyou're going.
You're wrapped up in where youare.
(05:40):
You can't see the circumstancearound you because it limits
your vision.
It pulls everything into focusbecause only thing on your mind
is that thing that made youangry right there.
So they miss the exit ramp andend up in the pokey.
And when you get mad, you do infact lose, and I think that is
(06:01):
something that we need to remindourselves of in this current
climate where even our electedofficials and I'm not talking
about the presidential electioneven I watched congressional
hearings, I don't know why.
I also watched plane crashes,so I got something to talk to my
psychiatrist about this week,but anyway, they seem to be
(06:22):
trying to one up each other onanger now, because this is how
we are.
We're going to cook.
I saw a young lady talkingabout let me cook let me cook,
let me cook.
You feel powerful when you cook.
You got all those words and allthat angst and all that energy
behind those words and you'refeeling quite dramatically about
(06:43):
whatever you're talking about,because you are angry.
And so they say let me cook,let me cook Like I am in control
, I am in power.
Now I'm going to tell you myfavorite not my favorite phrase
in the Bible, but one of.
I just love this one.
I have to read them because youknow there's so many different
(07:04):
Bibles and everything and Idon't.
It's Proverbs 25, 28.
And it says anger is like acity broken into and left
without walls.
Do you hear that?
Anger is like a city brokeninto and left without walls.
It makes you vulnerable.
It doesn't make you stronger.
It makes you vulnerable.
(07:24):
Now.
It might make you harder todeal with in the current
circumstance.
It might give you the power topunch a little more potently or
run a little more quickly, butit does not empower you with
greater reasoning ability.
Anger is often an able imposter.
Mostly, it is no more than fearor frustration, all dressed up
(07:48):
in military garb, impersonatingpower.
It's not real power.
The cop in that situation hadreal power.
The ladies that are angry.
You know, susie or Tanya orTaniqua.
Susie or Tanya or Taniqua,intoxicated, was angry and
(08:10):
thought that they were powerfulin that moment by using their
words in a manner that got themarrested.
But they had lost power in thatmoment.
They were frustrated, they werefearful and they allowed that
to tell them what to do, andthey allowed that to tell them
what to do and they feltpowerful in the moment till they
hear the clink, clink of thehandcuffs that come for you
(08:32):
eventually.
So the question that we all haveto ask ourselves is how often
do I get angry?
What do I get angry about?
Is my anger enabling me to dosomething?
But now, sometimes you gotta beangry.
You know, sometimes angry ishelpful.
Let me try to think ofsomething.
(08:53):
My brain is not helping meright now my dog.
I had to get angry with my dogso I could lift it up and put it
somewhere because I had to takeit to the vet because it had
done something, and upset washelpful in that moment, but I
already had plans about what Iwas due.
So a little bit of, and then itwasn't really anger, it was
(09:14):
pretty much anxiousness andupset and distress.
But you know, a lot of thoseare the same chemicals.
But sometimes, you know,somebody hits my kid or a little
kid or something, I might getangry and jump in and fight and
that's where anger helps you.
But that's rarely thecircumstances when we pull out
our anger.
And if we are prone to anger,our anger runs us, not the other
(09:38):
way around.
One of my favorite tolerisms andI have a lot of tolerisms
around anger is that and I gotto look it up now, no well, let
me look it up that if just abouteverything offends you, anybody
can own you.
I mean, think about it.
There is this thing, a bit ofvirtue signaling, going on where
(09:59):
everybody is.
How could you laugh at that?
It's not funny, do you know?
Do you know?
And you know everybody'slooking to get outraged.
Somebody takes a sentence andthen people just keep moving on
it and moving on it and talkingabout it, and talking about it,
and talking about it, as ifthese small things upset me
because I am such great moralcharacter, you know, like the
(10:21):
princess and the well, anyway,upset me.
But the thing is, if you areoffended by everybody else's
failure, weakness not quiterightness stuff, you don't know
about them but you've judgedthem incorrectly.
If you're angry, you just don'thave access to understanding
(10:45):
the thing with which you areangry.
And if you can't understandthat and you might think you do,
your fear of them, theirotherness, their lack of
submission will let you thinkthat they are a real threat to
you and are appropriate targetsof your anger.
(11:07):
But you don't really know,because anger has taken your
ability to understand, nuance,to reflect, to really you can't
even listen.
Well, when you're angry, youcan't hear, and what you hear
isn't quite correct because ithas to come through all that
static, all of that hoopla thatis happening in your brain.
(11:30):
So, while it feels powerful inthe moment to express your anger
like that, you always have tobe in a position to use your
second set of eyes.
We've talked about this before.
I have a second set of eyesthat my mother had took decades
delivering to me.
That allows me to step awayfrom myself more often than I
(11:54):
otherwise would be able to andassess what I'm doing from a
more objective perspective.
Perspective, and I want you tohave your second set of eyes.
And the second set of eyes areso incredibly important when
you're dealing with anger,because anger hops on you so
quickly.
(12:15):
Anger is often a response tofear.
You know what did he do?
You know that fear and yourbody releases all of these
chemicals that tell you you knowyou got to fight and you got to
carry on.
You got to do this and do thatand, yes, if a dog comes in the
room, you got to run or you gotto deal with it if it's trying
(12:35):
to hurt you but you don't know.
We often get angry or feelinsulted or fearful from
comments that are about insultor just you, you're not like me
and you want things not like me,or whatever it is.
We're so categorical these days.
Have we not built ourselvessome sad little silos where
(12:59):
everybody I mean in concentriccircles that are smaller and
smaller you have to like thisthis much in this way and you
have to hate that that much inthat way in order for you to be
one of us.
And if you don't hate all thethings to the extent I hate them
, the way I hate them and why Ihate them, and if you express
(13:19):
anything that is not completelyin line with how I feel about it
, completely in line with how Ifeel about it, I will other you
as well, and we end up insmaller and smaller and smaller
and smaller silos.
And I know it sounds like wefeel more brave and strong in a
group, and that's true.
(13:40):
It has benefits.
But there are also problemswith grouping up, and I know
everybody's talking about youknow.
First of all, I won't talkabout nobody else's religion
because I don't want nobodytalking about mine.
I ain't in it, but I will speakon it.
Historically, you know, italways sounds good at a point.
For instance, there are thosewho say they want this to be a
(14:02):
Christian nation and that theseparation of church and state
was just mentioned in a letterand it's not necessarily in the
Constitution.
However, the Constitution saysin the First Amendment that the
government ain't going to getinto religion in no way, shape
or form and in order to be aChristian nation, you have to be
dictating what the religion ofthe country is.
(14:23):
But when you remember it, whydid they do that?
Ask yourself, why did they comeover here and do the First
Amendment?
Why did they come over here atall?
Because they were running fromreligious oppression elsewhere
in England.
But they weren't running fromthe Sunnis or the Shia, they
weren't running from Jews, theywere running from other
Christians you know what I mean.
We're all Christian does notsolve the problem.
(14:45):
It didn't solve the problemwith them.
You know they had all of thatyou know you're going to be a
Protestant or a Catholic.
It was all one religion first.
So it's splintered, just likethe Sunnis and the Shiites
splintered, you know, you know.
Anyway, don't get me started.
All I'm saying is people tendto silo up and their groups get
(15:07):
smaller and smaller and smaller,because once you're in that
group, you want to dictate terms.
When you dictate terms like youcan't, we're in a place where
we can't accept difference.
I want to be in a room whichyou'd be unlike you and it not
bother me or you.
You know what I mean.
But anyway, back to the topicof hand at hand, which is anger.
(15:29):
You know, with every tempertantrum we hurl.
Every temper tantrum we hurl.
With every epithet we hurl.
With every temper tantrum wehave we teach our children how
to feel.
Now, when you look at all therage and everything that's going
on, when you look at your ownlife, you have to ask yourself
before you conduct business.
If my five-year-old were doingit, would I tell them it's a
(15:53):
good thing.
My mother told me that once,and it just I mean right there,
because I could get horriblyangry and to be a mean person.
My sister told me one time Iasked her one Christmas.
She never hung out with me Onebecause I was boring and I
didn't want to go anywhere andthat was part of the problem.
She also said because you weremean and I was mean, and I was
(16:14):
mean because I was angry and Iwas angry because I was afraid
and fear.
You know, you respond to itwith that anger and that's why
I've had to fight anger all mylife.
It is my fear dictating termsand pushing me to a conclusion
of horror and catastrophe.
That is incorrect, because mymind had been hijacked by all of
(16:39):
those chemicals.
And it's happening more andmore and more.
It's happening more and moreand more.
I saw it from the bench inCleveland Heights.
You see it, you see it online.
What was it in Kentucky?
Two friends, a judge and asheriff.
Sheriff shoots him in hischambers.
They were going to lunch butthey got in an argument about
(17:00):
something and he had a gun onhim.
He got mad and he got shot.
And everybody wants to say we'researching for motive.
We're searching for motiveOften, and we do need to search
for motive.
We always do, because we can'tfix what we don't know, what we
don't understand and don'tacknowledge, but what most
people are looking for whenthey're searching for motive is
motive that would be sufficientfor them to say I understand why
(17:23):
he did that that way.
You know you want to say oh,it's mental health, it's mental
illness.
You don't have to be mentallyill to do some crazy stuff, you
don't have to have a diagnosis,you don't have to have a flag in
the DSM-5 in order to have anemotionality that does not
conduct business well withregard to what you're doing,
(17:45):
what you're seeing or whatyou're saying.
So my thing is we either talkabout rights and
responsibilities and we talkabout mental health.
Like you know, get diagnosed.
If mental health is real,there's problems.
But everybody has a mentalhealth moment at some time and
in some places, and it's notnecessarily because it's just
(18:07):
because you're angry.
And we teach our children howto be angry, when to be angry
and with whom to be angry.
And so you have to ask yourself, in every circumstance in which
you could get angry, whetheryour children are there or not,
or whether or not you havechildren, is is my anger
(18:28):
something that I would?
Is this anger something I wouldask my five-year-old not to
entertain?
Now, that's a difficult thingto do because anger jumps on you
so quickly.
So in order to deal withanything that jumps on you so
quickly, you have to have plansbefore anything happens at all.
(18:52):
The time to decide to not getangry about something is before
anything at all happens.
It's right first thing in themorning, when you talk to
yourself about who you are andwhere you are, you know, like
the weather report I give aweather report every morning how
you feeling.
Tola, you know you're a moodychick.
(19:12):
Did you have a bad night lastnight?
Did you sleep enough?
Are you worried about something?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Let's figure out what it is.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
You know, I used to well, I had a worry book, which
is another thing, but I wouldlist what I was worried about
because it was just so taxing.
You know, it was just so taxingto worry.
I had to chase all of the fearsin my head because I always
believed that each andeverything that I was worried
about will necessarily end me,you know, which is silly and
(19:40):
ridiculous, ridiculous.
But you stay angry a lot whenyou're afraid a lot because
you're always under threat andyou're always like soaking in
the soup of of of hormonesdesigned to agitate you and
engage in behavior.
So you just got to watch that.
But so you have to have a wayto intercept your anger.
(20:02):
Talked about it before.
I used to intercept it withdeeds.
You know I'd have to stop If mymother had a gold phrase for me
let me tell you something.
If I ever hear you say, let metell you something, step back
and then watch me step back,because that means I'm angry and
I'm about to say something thatI'm probably going to have to
apologize for, and I wouldrather just not get angry.
(20:23):
So you have to intercept youranger.
So you have to.
A way to intercept your angeris A to know what your triggers
are.
I hate that word trigger, butanyway to know what the things
that usually make you mad are.
Triggers are.
To me, a trigger is a real thing.
You pull it and a bullet comesout.
Emotional triggers they're real.
(20:43):
I'm sure there are things thattrigger me emotionally, but I
like to say that I have to havea million pounds of pressure on
my trigger.
I want to have a trigger thatneeds a million pounds of
pressure to pull, because thatmeans the world has less control
over me.
Because you ain't pulling yourtriggers, the world is pulling
(21:06):
that trigger.
And if you only need a half apound of pressure I don't know
how much is a lot of pounds ofpressure because I don't know
nothing about nothing but if youcan go off with very limited
pressure, pounds of pressure,then the world is running you.
You're not running your worldand you don't want that because
everybody out there doing thingsand angry and upset.
(21:27):
So if you know how, you knowwhen it's going to show up, what
it looks like, where it usuallyshows up, and then what is it
you do when you get to the angryplace, a lot of us fail to make
sure that we know where the madis supposed to go.
My boss can make me angry, butsince I can't holler at him or
(21:49):
her and go home and fuss at myhusband about something that he
should have done but reallywasn't worth a full fuss, you
don't want to take boss mad homeor wife angry to work.
Even when we're angry, we'renot foolish.
I used to my mom used to usehis cop friend and he was huge,
(22:14):
like six, seven, just huge, andhe would walk into circumstances
and he'd grab somebody and thatdude would stop swinging and he
said, oh man, why you weretrying to wail on her like that.
He said I couldn't help myself.
He said, well, you helpedyourself.
When I came in the room youstopped.
You know, we know who we can'tgo all the way angry with.
(22:36):
If there's a man coming in thishouse with a gun and three men
with a gun, I'm not going tocome in.
What are you doing in my house?
I'm going to run, I'm going todo something.
Hopefully the dogs are chewingon them while I'm out the window
.
But you usually get mad at thenearest person or the easiest
target Because even thoughyou're mad, your body don't.
(22:58):
You don't want to die and yourmind knows that.
So you got to make sure youknow where the mad is supposed
to go, and misplaced angerallows us to take out our upset
on any and everybody.
It authors an unmanagedresponse to everyday emotional
(23:23):
triggers.
You know what I mean.
And it can become a habit.
You know people can get in thehabit of being angry and even
after the thing that angeredthem is no longer there or no
longer there, they're in thehabit of feeling upset.
And when you're in the habit offeeling upset, when there's
nothing to be upset about, yourmind finds something to be upset
(23:46):
about.
Let me tell you what I do.
I just discovered this todayand I'm tickled one, because I
usually don't have manyepiphanies.
I have epiphanies because I'mone of these people that, just
you know I'm pedantic.
You know I don't storm cities,I guerrilla fight house to house
.
But anyway, why was I tellingyou that I guerrilla fight house
(24:08):
to house?
Well, the epiphany that I hadthis morning was I was working
up a strong stress response tomy dirty flow.
My dogs had dug up thesprinklers in my backyard and
made a water park.
They went out there, theyplayed in it, they tore it up.
(24:28):
They were mud.
Then they flew through thehouse.
I had mud everywhere and Icouldn't get it fixed right away
, so I had a couple of days ofthis.
Anyway, my house was justfilthy, just absolutely filthy,
and I have bought moms.
I Oceter did not make my lifeeasier, I don't know how that
happened.
(24:49):
I bought some mop.
I bought one mop twice, didn'trealize that new mop heads
everything.
All I'm doing is slurryingaround the dirt and I was mad
about it and I got fixated on itand I was like I got angry
about it.
It's just ridiculous.
And then I thought to myself inthe pantheon of indignities
(25:12):
that I have suffered in the pastcouple of years.
My husband died.
He was my life and when he diedeverything just caved in and I
had all of these extraordinarilydifficult things to do.
So I was putting out fires allday long and just just
(25:32):
struggling and struggling, andstruggling, and I got used to
struggling.
I got used to being upset allday.
So when I had some of thoseproblems solved they ain't all
solved, but when I had some ofthem solved I brought some small
problems up from the basementof my brain and I allowed them
(25:54):
to meander through the mainrooms of my house of my mind,
the main rooms of my mind.
That's where they were, and Iwas just as agitated by that as
I was by the visit from thepolice two weeks ago, which I
ain't gonna tell you about.
My life is a little moresparkly than you think.
I just can't tell those stories, you know.
(26:17):
But that's what that is.
You know, you have to be ableto see your anger as a separate
thing and something that youmanage and you control, so it
don't control you.
Then you got to work yourquirks in the way they work for
you.
And when I say working yourquirks, I mean I know what makes
(26:39):
me angry.
I make sure that every day,because I'm moody, my quirk, so
I ask myself who I am, where Iam and what I'm doing and what
I'm feeling.
Every day I talk to myself agreat deal.
Lynn, don't get angry, lynn.
That is a fear.
Move, stop right now.
Is it that important?
If you were on your deathbed,would you think about this
(27:03):
instance as something worthagitation?
I ask myself all the time, talkto myself all the time is it
worth it?
Is it real, is it necessary?
Is it for you, is it right, isit wrong?
You gotta ask or you won't know.
Anyway, you gotta work youranger just like you work your
other emotions, except it tendsto be more aggressive and
(27:23):
quicker, because you have to befearful, for the fear and then
the anger.
Not always or often Frustrationand then the anger.
And the more you see others asother, the easier it will be to
get angry.
That's all I have to say aboutthat.
So pay attention to how you feel, pay attention to what you're
(27:45):
doing, pay attention to what'shappening, pay attention to your
circumstances, because the lastthing you want in this world is
for the world to know whereyou're weak and just get up in
there and decide that they canmanage your day for you.
I'm sure the sheriff and thejudge, whatever they were upset
about, was not worth both oftheir lives.
(28:06):
But in that moment, in thatmoment in Taco Bell, in that
moment when you got rear-ended,in that moment you have to be
able to manage your emotionality.
And to the extent that we don't, given what's in the zeitgeist,
let's go shoot people.
I do want to tell you about aproject that I worked on called
(28:26):
Bloom 365, in which we used togo into schools to help people.
It was for, to teach youngchildren what a healthy
relationship looks like, becausewe always talk about domestic
violence can often one in fourpeople, one in four women less
men, but still both ways.
It's not one way or the other.
(28:48):
The majority are women and wewould go into schools and not
only talk to young people abouthow to recognize the signs of an
abusive relationship so youdon't get in.
It is how to recognize if youare an abuser in a relationship
so you can stop it.
And when we did that, we went inand heard the stories and the
(29:11):
emotionality of these kids.
That and in each and every one.
Well, I will say this there arethose.
We we used to give them what wecalled elephant in the room
cards.
So, because they're not goingto tell you nothing spectacular
by standing up and raising theirhand and they could write down
what they're feeling and wewould have people I'm going to
(29:35):
change this in terms oftechnical terms, but this is the
level of what this person wastalking about.
She said I'm going to kill himand everybody who didn't believe
me when I told them what he did.
And every time we got into aschool, you would see two or
(29:58):
three very alarming elephant inthe room cards.
That were the fear and thefrustration that could burst
into anger at some point, andwhat we would do is we would
figure out who people were, wewould surround them and try to
get them together.
But you know, an ounce ofprevention is worth a pound of
(30:20):
cure, and when you're angry, weteach our children when and how
and what to be angry about.
If we don't manage how we feel,how we feel will manage us and
we have got to act.
Like all of the rages and thehorror that is happening is
(30:42):
something that we have theability to affect simply by
existing in the world in a lessemotionally unmanaged way, and
that ain't going to change theworld.
If 10 of us, it ain't going tochange the world.
If 20 of us, it ain't going tochange the world.
But if you get critical mass ofa certain percentage, it begins
to move the masses in general.
(31:06):
And all I'm saying is you wantpower.
The power you have to have overfirst is you.
I always say in any fight youhave, the first battle is always
with yourself, because you gotto show up correctly, not show
up in a manner that, forinstance, donald Trump, I don't
care if you like him or youdon't like him.
I don't care if you like Kamalaor you don't like her.
(31:27):
Let me say this she knew whatto do, to get under his skin,
and that was an emotional doorthat he had yet to shut.
It can expose you.
So, anyway, that's it, feelingon purpose, feel better, feel
fine, feel good.
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