October 7, 2024 • 29 mins
What happens when life throws a curveball so intense that it uproots everything you knew? That’s the question I faced when I unexpectedly lost my husband. Join me, Judge Lynn Toler, as I walk through the emotional maze of grief, sharing my personal story of survival and self-discovery. I open up about the tumultuous journey of managing the practical aftermath while trying to be the rock for my children. Alongside my grief coach, Henrietta, I explore the essential role of support systems during such life-altering times, highlighting both the healthy coping mechanisms and the pitfalls like excessive drinking that I encountered along the way.
Amidst the chaos, I learned the importance of routine and structure as lifelines to sanity. While everyday tasks like cooking and cleaning became therapeutic, they also served as reminders of what once was. I share candidly about the challenges of facing daily responsibilities that I once tackled with a partner, and the new processes I had to develop to navigate this landscape of loss. Through anecdotes of unexpected mishaps, such as dealing with a pet in crisis or a car that just wouldn't start, I reflect on staying calm and finding humor in adversity as a way to rediscover direction and purpose in a life forever changed.
Have you ever wondered how your self-talk can shape your reality? In a world of snap judgments and digital noise, I discuss how being mindful of our narratives can protect our inner peace. Join me as I recount how reshaping my personal narrative, even in the face of grief, helped me guard my emotional boundaries and find a new path forward. From the impactful lessons of a favorite TV show during COVID to the importance of reassessing life’s plans, this journey is about more than just healing—it's about intentionally crafting a life that honors the past while embracing the future.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know her as the longest presiding judge on
divorce court, for more than 14years.
Marriage boot camp and manyother programs.
A graduate of Harvard, judgeLynn Toler is the author of my
Mother's Rules Making MarriageWork and Dear Sonali Letters to
the Daughter I Never had, all ofwhich are dedicated to the
proper emotion, what it is andhow to find it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Remember under your skin is a sovereign country.
Don't go passing out passportsall willy-nilly to people who
don't belong there.
Let me help you protect youremotional borders so we can all
start feeling on purpose.
Hey, how you doing this isJudge Lynn Toler, and welcome to
(00:40):
another episode of Feeling OnPurpose, the podcast dedicated
to the proposition of keepingthe rest of the world out of
your mind and you run youremotions and not letting your
emotions run you.
This episode has arisen as afunction of errors I have been
making over the last well, I'mjust going to claim this last
(01:02):
six months.
There were other errors madeearlier, but the ones made in
the last six months, I believe,have a lesson in them for most
folk about the narratives thatyou're living and the things
that you tell yourself.
We'll start out with a story.
December 23rd 2022, two daysbefore Christmas, my husband
(01:27):
left the house and neverreturned.
Got a call from a hospital Acouple hours later.
They said your husband is incritical condition.
You need to come get him.
No, they didn't say that.
They said your husband is incritical condition, you need to
come down here.
And I got there and I go up tothe front desk of the emergency
room.
My son drove me and I said I'mLynn Toler.
(01:48):
And she looked up and she saidokay, and she dialed the phone.
And that's when I knew he wasdead.
But I didn't know he was dead.
But usually when you go in theER they're not doing anything
right away.
Two seconds later a woman comeswalking out, a nurse and I look
at her and I say, just you know, because I like my pain up
(02:09):
front, I said just tell me he'salive.
And she said I'm sorry, I can'tdo that.
And I said so he's dead.
And she says I'm sorry, I can'ttell you that either.
So you know he's dead.
I knew he was dead, but Ididn't know he was dead.
I had .005 worth of hopebecause I hadn't heard the words
(02:32):
, waited for the longest fiveminutes of my life in that room.
My son showed up.
In that time A doctor comes inand my world just ended.
There was chaos, there waslights and sirens and alarm
bells and I'm like what happenedto him?
What happened to him and wedon't know?
We don't know.
And we went into the.
(02:53):
I saw him.
I had to say goodbye.
No, I didn't get to say goodbye, I missed that.
Anyway introduction toWoodahood We'd been together 35
years and his death was veryunexpected and when you're
thrown into that kind ofposition or at least when I was
and I got to say this all widowsaren't the same, because all
(03:15):
people aren't thesame.
The things that caused me painand problem and angst and upset
may or may not have caused otherpeople pain and problem and
angst and upset.
I will say this, however, thatit is such a blockbuster event
that people who have gonethrough it have such valuable
knowledge to share.
(03:35):
I had what I called a griefcoach.
Her name was Henrietta and herhusband had died and we were
really good friends and she wasgood friends with my husband and
I used to call her all the timeJust like well, what is this
about?
Well, what is that about?
And you, you, you, and what Iwas doing was I was putting out
a lot offires.
(03:55):
My husband happened to be anaccountant.
It was towards the end of theyear, as clients had started
sending him stuff.
I had to send all that stuffback to him.
I happened to have new floorsand new doors and windows being
put in my house and they came intwo weeks after he died.
So I had to deal withthat.
I had to go in his office andgo through everything the first
(04:18):
week because I had so manythings to do and I was trying to
grieve and my narrative formyself during that process was
put out all the fires, make sureyour kids are okay and go to
sleep, get up at the crack ofdawn.
I would go into his officefirst thing, because it was the
(04:38):
worst thing to do that day.
I would get that done and thenI would always check the what do
you call that?
The coroner's site, the medical, you know?
Because I didn't know why hewas.
We don't, you know.
Pending, pending, pending,pending.
So I was in crisis mode andduring the day I was in crisis
(04:58):
mode handling everything thatwas happening at the house with
the kids, with what was going on, because none of this was
anticipated.
And in the afternoon those weremy dogs.
Iapologize.
See, when my husband died, hetold me to get a dog.
You know he said no, he didn't.
That's the dumbest thing I'vejust had in a long time.
Before my husband died, onenight he just sat up in bed,
(05:21):
said you know, baby, if anythingever happens to me, you got to
get a dog, you know, because hewould be worried about my safety
.
And I went and bought a dog,went out, don't go doing a whole
.
You know, they always tell youdon't do stuff for two years,
make major decisions.
Two years for at least onebetter, two major decisions
after your spouse dies, becauseyou make a lot of crazy
decisions.
And boy were they right aboutthat.
(05:42):
You make a lot of crazydecisions, and boy were they
right aboutthat.
But I thought, since he told meto do it, it was a good move.
And I went out and got thefirst cute dog I could find at a
rescue and that dog was theworst dog used to.
I used to have dead birds allin the house.
It was awful.
I kept him for a year but Icouldn't take it anymore.
All my people were telling meget rid of the dog.
You're not doing well, you'renot.
(06:03):
But anyway I felt I had anobligation because that's what
my husband was.
He was, he would stick and stay.
He was, he was solid, he was,you know, he always told me I
gave up too soon.
So now it's hard for me to giveup at all because I wouldn't
want to disappointhim.
But anyhow, in the days, in thefirst days of that grief
(06:23):
process not the first days, thefirst months, I swear up and
down his ghost was coming to thecrib and breaking stuff just to
give me things to do.
I'm going to tell you whatbroke Like in a week after I see
this rust belt at the bottom ofmy water heater.
Next thing, you know, it tookout the water heater went and it
(06:43):
took out the side, the cornerof the garage.
I had to fix that.
One day I was sitting monthlater and the bed, just it broke
for no reason.
It wasn't a cheap bed and wehadn't had it that long, and it
just broke.
And so I got up out of the bedand I walk into the living room
and, unbeknownst to me, tessthat was my first dog had eaten
(07:04):
the remote.
Well, not eaten it, but chewedit up sufficiently, chewed up my
Android too.
But I mean, that was just thewrong dog.
But and there were littlehearts that were displaying all
over my screen in this grid thatI knew nothing about and I
swore.
But I said you know, I think myhusband is haunting me, or,
(07:24):
unless he's bringing me stuff todo, I had to within the first
six months, entire airconditioning system went down,
whole house air conditioning.
Took him two days to replace it.
Washer dryer went out, had toreplace four toilets.
The flush king was out herethree times in the four months
and I finally just said replacethem all.
(07:46):
I can't take it, nomore.
Other stuff broke too, and Ican't remember what it was.
The handle broke off my thedoor to my room.
The handle broke off the sink,I mean everything just kind of
like.
And at first I was like, oh myGod, what is this?
What is this?
What is this?
(08:06):
It's just everything's awful,everything's just running off
the rails.
And I wasn't really rational atthe
time.
So what I did was I came upwith this narrative that I told
myself and it seems stupid and Ithink it is stupid, but it
helped me in the interim.
I told myself a story that hewas breaking stuff from heaven.
(08:28):
So he could, so I could keep mymind occupied, because he knows
, the devil of my idle mind is abad somebody and he can jump up
there and just whip me about, Ican make up problems and this
thing.
And I even said to him onenight I said, baby, if you're
breaking stuff in order to keepme busy.
You can stop now.
I'll find something else to do.
(08:50):
And it was funny when I said it, but I was living an emergency
for ayear.
I was just living an emergency.
And when you start living anemergency, everything that
starts happening to you, whetheror not it's an emergency.
(09:12):
Now, see there, I generalize,and I shouldn't have.
What happens to me is, when I'mliving an emergency, all those
things that I have to deal withthat aren't an emergency but
that are negative, read to me asan emergency, and I think it
can read to a lot of people thatway, because once your fear
(09:34):
chemicals are dispensed, all ofthe adrenaline and the cortisol
and everything, you know theydon't have any designated place
to go, they just out there.
And if they're out there allday long, you know it can look
at the problem with this as onething and then look and look at
some small problem that'sirrelevant and your body still
has the same reaction to it.
(09:56):
At least mine did becauseeverything was a crisis.
Everything was acrisis.
So what I had started to do waslimit the.
What I started to doconsciously, you know, because
emotionally this was all justhappening to me.
(10:17):
But and I knew it all of thefive stages of anger, I knew
about all of them.
But knowing about them anddoing them are two different
(10:41):
things.
But I knew that I had toaddress it because I wasn't
doing well.
You know, the good thing aboutseeing a psychiatrist all the
time, which I do, is like a weekand a half after he died I had
a regular scheduled appointmentwith him and so what I started
(11:02):
to do was to get up at 2.30 inthe morning and start to problem
solve, because I knew wouldn'tnobody call me, email me or
anything at 2.30 in the morning,email me or anything at 2.30 in
the morning.
So I had a whole lot ofproblems that I saved up from
the day before, like anythingthat had to be written or done,
you know, finding accountantsfinding, you know, just because
(11:23):
my husband was my accountant andmy taxes were kind of
complicated and I didn't knowwhat was going on.
There were some things I justdidn't deal with and he dealt
withthem.
So I would do that from 2.30until around 5 or 6.
And then I would get up anddeal with the dog, because the
dog would bark all morning, hewould pee and poop in the house.
It was a she, her name was Tess.
(11:46):
She would pee and poop in thehouse.
I usually find a dead bird headsomewhere.
So I know I'd have to lookthrough the rest of the house to
find a dead birdbody.
But I was putting all thattogether and then I would clean.
And I would clean one room tillit was pristine, because I knew
chaos about me assists in thechaos in my head.
(12:07):
It reflects that.
So I have, if, if I have thingsmore pristine around me, the
chaos in my head, it doesn'tfeed it.
You know what I'm saying.
So that was what I did in orderto assist me with the chaos in
my head.
And untilabout.
And then, once nine o'clock hit, if I had somebody I had to
(12:29):
deal with.
The first thing, you know Iwould do it at nine Funeral home
, just anything, putting hisaffairs together, making fun.
You know I would do it at ninefuneral home, just anything,
putting his affairs together,making fun.
You know all of that.
And I would get done with allof the horror stuff by 10
o'clock.
And then I would get up and Iwould make dinner because I had
to keep busy and I wasn't eating.
I never ate the dinner that Imade, but I did it just to have
(12:52):
something to do.
And then I found myselfchecking the clock for three,
because that's the time Ithought I could crack open a
bottle of vodka, and that's what, exactly what I did.
So by 530, I was asleep becausemy thing was I have to avoid
the horror of it.
I can't be horrified all daylong.
(13:14):
I also found that when I cry, Icry.
You know about that.
I kind of howled a bit and just, and it was really hard on my
son who had to move home tobabysit me.
He couldn't take it really hardon him and every time.
So I took the howling in thecloset and one day he said Mom,
you know, I can still hear youin the closet.
(13:35):
I was like, well, you got toleave the house and do something
, brother, because the howlshave got to happen.
But anyway, and I was runningthat program for a while and
things got solved.
I mean, you know how muchhappens when somebody dies,
especially when somebody doessuddenly and he was do you see
(13:55):
what I'm doing in my hair?
This is scary, let me take myhands down.
But anyway, that was theprogram that I'm
running.
Even in the midst of hysteria,I'm always looking to feel on
purpose.
I'm always looking to manage myemotions, in part because I'm
afraid if I don't stay on top ofthem completely they will
(14:15):
destroy me entirely.
I've always believed that theworld was an arbitrary
incendiary place that pickedpeople out at random and burned
them up alive.
Because I was an anxious,worrisome little girl and
marrying Eric put that fire outfor decades and now the
conflagration was back, you know, and I'm out here trying to
(14:37):
hose it down with a sprinkler.
But I never stopped trying, Inever stopped working on it and
I got a little bit less and alittle bit less ludicrous as
time goeson.
And I also started to shift mydrinking because, you know, you
have to be careful how yousoothe, because if you soothe
(14:59):
inappropriately, the manner inwhich you soothe can become the
biggest problem that you have.
You know, and I knew that inthe beginning I didn't care.
A couple of first months if I,you know, I wanted to have.
I had one and I'm not, I'msmall, so I don't, it don't take
much to put me to bed and but Iwas like, look, lynn, you got
(15:21):
two months where you can notcare.
And then in the third month yougot to care.
So in the third month you gotto care.
So I started saying, okay,three's too early, let's go for
four.
Did it work?
I don't know.
A couple months finally did it.
Then I went from vodka to wineat four.
No, that's a lie.
(15:41):
I went from vodka to wine atthree and then I pushed it back
to four.
But anyway, and I would wrap myphone after a while when I
realized what I was doing whileI was drinking I was calling
people, I wrapped as soon as Iopened it.
I would wrap my phone in apiece of paper and tape it on.
It said you've been drinking.
So I wouldn't do that.
I always have a processprocedure for everything and I
(16:05):
really thought, as horrified asI still am by the entire thing
he still lives here with me andit's hard, and people were
telling me to move, but I can'tmove, I can't do anything.
So the other day, you know, Iwas sitting down.
Before I tell you that story,let me tell you these two and
(16:26):
then it'll demonstrate why myprocess and procedure, though
helpful, was not sufficient whenyou're in a state of hysteria
like that and I was hystericalfor a long time because every
time I had a problem in life Ibrought it to him and that my
(16:46):
biggest problem I had and hewasn't here to help me deal with
it.
And then all the other things Iwould get in my car.
I remember the first time Iwent into the gas station and
put gas in my car, I was bawlingso much.
Some man came and did it for mebecause my husband used to do
that and I didn't have to.
Or when a light comes on in mycar, I'm just, you know, I'm
like my God because it used tobe hey, eric, go look at the car
(17:08):
, because I don't know what thelight's on about.
But I don't do that, I can't dothat anymore.
And I went on these longstreaks of stupid had.
This one stupid has to do withthe car.
You know wasn't feeling the carwasn't going anywhere.
But one day I back out and I'mbacking out of the car and that
sucker just died and I'm likewell, what is this?
(17:31):
What's going on?
So I called AAA.
Everybody got AAA, come to findout, even though I pay all the
bills in the house and, you know, not pay all this because I
make all the money but I'm theperson who actually physically
writes the bills, you know, andI'm the one that actually gets
them open up and write them,except for the AAA bill, for
some reason.
That was the only bill that hekept handle on physically since
(17:57):
we got married, and so I calledyou and got it because he wasn't
here so he didn't renew it.
So then you have to go througha whole lot of who shot John to
get the AAA and this and that.
And I'm arguing with my sonbecause he don't know nothing
about cars.
I got two sons don't knownothing about cars.
I got to two sons don't knownothing about cars and we were
fussing and carrying on and hefinally took the car away and
(18:20):
the guy said you know, we foundthe guy and we got it to the
place and come to find out thatsucker was just out of gas.
I spent a whole lot of moneyand a whole lot of time.
Sucker was just out of gas.
I spent a whole lot of moneyand a whole lot of time.
Hysterical, didn't check thegas gauge, took it in, just yeah
.
I think one of my sons wouldhave said something, but they
(18:40):
weren't paying attention either.
And anyhow, another day I wasout playing with Zora and the
ball.
Zora gets a ball lodged in herthroat.
I go running down.
First I called 911, which wasstupid.
I said I don't think I shouldhave called you people.
You don't deal with dogschoking to death, do you?
He said no, we do not, lady.
I said thank you.
So I put the phone down.
I ran down the street to go toTroy's house.
(19:02):
Troy and Marjorie are a couplethat live next door to me.
He wasn't home.
She was home.
I told her what the problem was.
She dropped everything.
She comes careening out.
She comes in the house.
The dog had been walking aroundthe house trying to pull up the
balls.
Now the balls were too small.
It was a stupid thing I did andshe manhandled him.
(19:23):
I couldn't get him in the carbecause he was 100 pounds.
She's 100 pounds.
So she manhandled that dog, putit in the car I drive out, go
to the vet.
The vet is closed, didn't check.
I called my sons to pick me upin the car.
My hair's standing on top ofthe head, I'm crying.
I said find me.
I'm looking, trying to find avet in the phone and my sons
(19:46):
come out there and the dogfinally looked at me and I'm
sure the dog thought thesepeople are going to let me die,
let me handle myself.
So she went and finallyprojectile, vomited it up and
saved herself because I wasincompetent, incapable and
unable to do a thing for her.
(20:07):
So that's the chaos that astaticky mind creates.
That's the chaos that a mindnot at peace produces.
And I saw, even though I hadprocess and procedure hysteria,
(20:31):
I was still telling myself thewrong narrative.
You cannot just process andprogress, you have to reassess.
And I never did.
Now I probably could havereassessed.
I wasn't in a place to do thatuntil about six months ago when
(20:53):
I could have one glass of wineat six and call it a day and no
wine at all, doing fine, I canget up at a reasonable.
I never got up at a reasonablehour, but I can get up and I can
get things done and I can dothat and knock on wood, got to
find all the wood I can find andnothing else broke in a while.
So I don't know if he got tiredof it.
(21:16):
He found something else to do.
I know that's not true, but Itell myself stories so I can
live with myself.
But I don't never.
That implicates one of mymother's rules never believe the
lies.
You tell other people.
You know what I mean.
Tell lies to yourself a littlebit to make things work out, but
you always have to keep a placewhere the truth is somewhere so
(21:37):
you don't get confused by it.
So I didn't re.
I was, I had got into the habitof surviving.
I just realized this and Inever stepped back and
reassessed.
You have to step off this rule11 of my mother's rules.
You have to check your programevery once in a while.
(21:58):
Where was I headed?
For a while I was justmaintaining.
After a while I was headed tosolving problems, solving
problems, solving problems.
But once I got to a place wherethe problems weren't
particularly striking, I neverdecided what's next.
You know, my husband and I hadplans.
(22:19):
We were going to ride trains,because we have kids all over
the country, and we were goingto go up north forth, because he
hates the north.
But I wanted a little, you know, and they were going to do that
.
So we would sit in his officeand watch Amtrak videos on
YouTube.
I don't like that kind of carhoney, yeah, but you're not
YouTube.
Yeah, but you know that kind ofthing.
(22:39):
That's what we were going to do.
We were just planning trips, wewere going to do stuff and I
realized I had no.
I had no projects, I wasn'tworking, I had no plans.
I was getting through every dayand calling every day a success,
when it was simply nothing badhappened, and then I began to
(23:01):
feel a little aimless, a littleas if I was wandering about in
the you know, in a desert ofdesires that I had lost.
Do you know what I mean?
It used to be a verdant feel oflots.
I want to do this, I want to dothat, I want to do the other
thing.
I used to build doll houses andcrochet and paint, and now I
(23:22):
was in the process of problemsolving and sleeping, doing
nothing in a manner that kept mypeace, and I realized I have to
do something else.
The narratives that we giveourselves can be very, very
compelling, because we're astorytelling kind of people.
I remember one time I know thisstory is kind of a little off
(23:43):
the mark, but I'm going to tellit anyway I was talking to these
choreographers that made up thestance for the thing that we're
doing on Marriage Boot Camp,and it was kind of long.
And I said you just put thattogether.
How do these choreographersthat made up this dance for the
thing that we're doing onmarriage boot camp?
And it was kind of long.
And I said you just put thattogether.
How do you remember it?
And they said we tell ourselvesa story.
Okay, first we're fighting,then we love you.
So if you tell yourself a story.
I mean, that's easy, that makessense to us and our brains tell
(24:06):
ourselves stories abouteverything, even if those those,
those stories are true or nottrue.
That's how our brain becauseour brain gets a lot of
information it's got to makesense of it, it's got to sift it
, it's got to sort it and ittells you a story.
And that's why, whenpoliticians talk, they tell
stories about because they wantto get up under your skin as
(24:28):
opposed to get up in your brain,because if they get up in your
brain, you find out that they'renot that bright.
But anyway, I shouldn't saythat about politicians in
general, because I ran for judge, I was a politician.
I remember I walked up to adoor one day as knocking on the
door oh, what are you doing?
I said well, I'm running forjudge and he said a politician,
get off my doorstep.
So you, you shouldn'tgeneralize like that, but I'm
(24:50):
just a little cranky becauseit's well anyway, don't let me
get started.
What brought me to thisconclusion that I had not, that
I was now telling myself anerrant narrative, is because I
got up and I was going to Targetand a couple of things went
(25:10):
wrong.
Some idiot didn't know how tomake a left turn and something
else happened and I designatedit a bad day what you know what
I mean and I decided it was abad day and I went in there
thinking it was a bad day, and Iwent in there thinking that I
was going to find what I want.
Several bad things happened Ican't remember once, but they
were all stupid.
Something went on the house.
(25:31):
Yeah, the dogs, they did dothat.
They, they, they pulled up thesprinklers in my backyard, you
know.
So I had like a water park backthere and then they ran in the
house.
I had mud everywhere.
Bad day.
But I realized something as Iwas walking into that Target.
Why is it that the fact I got awater park, it took mean that
(25:53):
I'm not going to find what I'mlooking for in here.
How did you get there, toller?
You told yourself a story.
You told yourself you werehaving a bad day and now your
emotionality is anticipatingthat kind of negativity.
You got to ask yourself whatkind of narratives are you
telling yourself?
(26:13):
Are you telling?
You know, when you tellyourself the narrative of I'm
having a bad day, it is aself-fulfilling prophecy,
because A you keep.
Anything that goes wrong getsput on the list.
You know, usually when thingsgo wrong, you kind of let it go.
If it's just one thing herethere, you let it go.
But if you're having a bad day,you having a you're, you've got
(26:33):
a I'm having a bad day boxwhere you will collect all those
negative things that you wouldotherwise let go.
That's number one.
Number two when you decide thatyou're having a bad day, you
become negative and so you'reanticipating problems.
So when you talk to otherpeople, you're anticipating
they're not going to give youwhat you want, to do what you
want, and then you come at thema little crooked.
(26:55):
Are you coming at them?
Nice, you know?
Are you having a bad?
You know you.
You talk to people and say whatkind of day are you having?
Or who hurt you, it's becauseyou're anticipating a problem
that doesn't exist and in sodoing, you're creating that
problem.
If you've decided that you hadbad day, you infer attitude from
somebody else.
I may give you an answer.
That was just short, and thenyou're going to think it's terse
(27:19):
and snappy because you'vedecided you've had a bad day.
So you infer negativity when youdeal with other people little
quick and you get a littleimpatient and you start making
(27:39):
mistakes and then it makesthings worse and so you in fact
created a bad day because youdecided that it was a bad day
far too soon.
You know, don't jump, don'tcome to the conclusion too soon.
It's what we all do these days,especially because you know
technology and social media.
It makes it easier to do snapdecisions.
I've got this information.
I got that information.
(27:59):
Let me go make this decision,let me go do that and let me do
the other thing.
But you know, the devil is inthe details and the devil will
whoop your behind if you don'tmake sure you know you keep it.
What is it down in the holefrom the wire?
God, I love that show.
That was good.
You know.
That was one of the neat thingsabout not being up to date on
(28:21):
anything.
It doesn't have anything to dowith anything, but I found the
Wire during COVID, so that gaveme days and days and days of
wonderful.
I found a lot of good showsduring COVID, so, but anyway,
that ain't got nothing to dowith nothing.
I was telling you about yournarrative, so just watch your
narrative.
Ask yourself how are you sayingthings to yourself?
Are you making your day betteror worse by what you're saying
(28:45):
to yourself?
You can feel on purpose,because under your skin is a
sovereign country, so you oughtnot go around willy-nilly
passing out passports to peoplewho don't belong there and most
of the world does not belongunder your skin.
Just doesn't Protect your peace, protect your borders.
Try to feel on purpose.
(29:06):
I am Y'all.
Have a good day.
You know her as the longest presiding judge on
divorce court, for more than 14years.
Marriage boot camp and manyother programs.
A graduate of Harvard, judgeLynn Toler is the author of my
Mother's Rules Making MarriageWork and Dear Sonali Letters to
the Daughter I Never had, all ofwhich are dedicated to the
proper emotion, what it is andhow to find it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Remember under your skin is a sovereign country.
Don't go passing out passportsall willy-nilly to people who
don't belong there.
Let me help you protect youremotional borders so we can all
start feeling on purpose.
Hey, how you doing this isJudge Lynn Toler, and welcome to
(00:40):
another episode of Feeling OnPurpose, the podcast dedicated
to the proposition of keepingthe rest of the world out of
your mind and you run youremotions and not letting your
emotions run you.
This episode has arisen as afunction of errors I have been
making over the last well, I'mjust going to claim this last
(01:02):
six months.
There were other errors madeearlier, but the ones made in
the last six months, I believe,have a lesson in them for most
folk about the narratives thatyou're living and the things
that you tell yourself.
We'll start out with a story.
December 23rd 2022, two daysbefore Christmas, my husband
(01:27):
left the house and neverreturned.
Got a call from a hospital Acouple hours later.
They said your husband is incritical condition.
You need to come get him.
No, they didn't say that.
They said your husband is incritical condition, you need to
come down here.
And I got there and I go up tothe front desk of the emergency
room.
My son drove me and I said I'mLynn Toler.
(01:48):
And she looked up and she saidokay, and she dialed the phone.
And that's when I knew he wasdead.
But I didn't know he was dead.
But usually when you go in theER they're not doing anything
right away.
Two seconds later a woman comeswalking out, a nurse and I look
at her and I say, just you know, because I like my pain up
(02:09):
front, I said just tell me he'salive.
And she said I'm sorry, I can'tdo that.
And I said so he's dead.
And she says I'm sorry, I can'ttell you that either.
So you know he's dead.
I knew he was dead, but Ididn't know he was dead.
I had .005 worth of hopebecause I hadn't heard the words
(02:32):
, waited for the longest fiveminutes of my life in that room.
My son showed up.
In that time A doctor comes inand my world just ended.
There was chaos, there waslights and sirens and alarm
bells and I'm like what happenedto him?
What happened to him and wedon't know?
We don't know.
And we went into the.
(02:53):
I saw him.
I had to say goodbye.
No, I didn't get to say goodbye, I missed that.
Anyway introduction toWoodahood We'd been together 35
years and his death was veryunexpected and when you're
thrown into that kind ofposition or at least when I was
and I got to say this all widowsaren't the same, because all
(03:15):
people aren't thesame.
The things that caused me painand problem and angst and upset
may or may not have caused otherpeople pain and problem and
angst and upset.
I will say this, however, thatit is such a blockbuster event
that people who have gonethrough it have such valuable
knowledge to share.
(03:35):
I had what I called a griefcoach.
Her name was Henrietta and herhusband had died and we were
really good friends and she wasgood friends with my husband and
I used to call her all the timeJust like well, what is this
about?
Well, what is that about?
And you, you, you, and what Iwas doing was I was putting out
a lot offires.
(03:55):
My husband happened to be anaccountant.
It was towards the end of theyear, as clients had started
sending him stuff.
I had to send all that stuffback to him.
I happened to have new floorsand new doors and windows being
put in my house and they came intwo weeks after he died.
So I had to deal withthat.
I had to go in his office andgo through everything the first
(04:18):
week because I had so manythings to do and I was trying to
grieve and my narrative formyself during that process was
put out all the fires, make sureyour kids are okay and go to
sleep, get up at the crack ofdawn.
I would go into his officefirst thing, because it was the
(04:38):
worst thing to do that day.
I would get that done and thenI would always check the what do
you call that?
The coroner's site, the medical, you know?
Because I didn't know why hewas.
We don't, you know.
Pending, pending, pending,pending.
So I was in crisis mode andduring the day I was in crisis
(04:58):
mode handling everything thatwas happening at the house with
the kids, with what was going on, because none of this was
anticipated.
And in the afternoon those weremy dogs.
Iapologize.
See, when my husband died, hetold me to get a dog.
You know he said no, he didn't.
That's the dumbest thing I'vejust had in a long time.
Before my husband died, onenight he just sat up in bed,
(05:21):
said you know, baby, if anythingever happens to me, you got to
get a dog, you know, because hewould be worried about my safety
.
And I went and bought a dog,went out, don't go doing a whole
.
You know, they always tell youdon't do stuff for two years,
make major decisions.
Two years for at least onebetter, two major decisions
after your spouse dies, becauseyou make a lot of crazy
decisions.
And boy were they right aboutthat.
(05:42):
You make a lot of crazydecisions, and boy were they
right aboutthat.
But I thought, since he told meto do it, it was a good move.
And I went out and got thefirst cute dog I could find at a
rescue and that dog was theworst dog used to.
I used to have dead birds allin the house.
It was awful.
I kept him for a year but Icouldn't take it anymore.
All my people were telling meget rid of the dog.
You're not doing well, you'renot.
(06:03):
But anyway I felt I had anobligation because that's what
my husband was.
He was, he would stick and stay.
He was, he was solid, he was,you know, he always told me I
gave up too soon.
So now it's hard for me to giveup at all because I wouldn't
want to disappointhim.
But anyhow, in the days, in thefirst days of that grief
(06:23):
process not the first days, thefirst months, I swear up and
down his ghost was coming to thecrib and breaking stuff just to
give me things to do.
I'm going to tell you whatbroke Like in a week after I see
this rust belt at the bottom ofmy water heater.
Next thing, you know, it tookout the water heater went and it
(06:43):
took out the side, the cornerof the garage.
I had to fix that.
One day I was sitting monthlater and the bed, just it broke
for no reason.
It wasn't a cheap bed and wehadn't had it that long, and it
just broke.
And so I got up out of the bedand I walk into the living room
and, unbeknownst to me, tessthat was my first dog had eaten
(07:04):
the remote.
Well, not eaten it, but chewedit up sufficiently, chewed up my
Android too.
But I mean, that was just thewrong dog.
But and there were littlehearts that were displaying all
over my screen in this grid thatI knew nothing about and I
swore.
But I said you know, I think myhusband is haunting me, or,
(07:24):
unless he's bringing me stuff todo, I had to within the first
six months, entire airconditioning system went down,
whole house air conditioning.
Took him two days to replace it.
Washer dryer went out, had toreplace four toilets.
The flush king was out herethree times in the four months
and I finally just said replacethem all.
(07:46):
I can't take it, nomore.
Other stuff broke too, and Ican't remember what it was.
The handle broke off my thedoor to my room.
The handle broke off the sink,I mean everything just kind of
like.
And at first I was like, oh myGod, what is this?
What is this?
What is this?
(08:06):
It's just everything's awful,everything's just running off
the rails.
And I wasn't really rational atthe
time.
So what I did was I came upwith this narrative that I told
myself and it seems stupid and Ithink it is stupid, but it
helped me in the interim.
I told myself a story that hewas breaking stuff from heaven.
(08:28):
So he could, so I could keep mymind occupied, because he knows
, the devil of my idle mind is abad somebody and he can jump up
there and just whip me about, Ican make up problems and this
thing.
And I even said to him onenight I said, baby, if you're
breaking stuff in order to keepme busy.
You can stop now.
I'll find something else to do.
(08:50):
And it was funny when I said it, but I was living an emergency
for ayear.
I was just living an emergency.
And when you start living anemergency, everything that
starts happening to you, whetheror not it's an emergency.
(09:12):
Now, see there, I generalize,and I shouldn't have.
What happens to me is, when I'mliving an emergency, all those
things that I have to deal withthat aren't an emergency but
that are negative, read to me asan emergency, and I think it
can read to a lot of people thatway, because once your fear
(09:34):
chemicals are dispensed, all ofthe adrenaline and the cortisol
and everything, you know theydon't have any designated place
to go, they just out there.
And if they're out there allday long, you know it can look
at the problem with this as onething and then look and look at
some small problem that'sirrelevant and your body still
has the same reaction to it.
(09:56):
At least mine did becauseeverything was a crisis.
Everything was acrisis.
So what I had started to do waslimit the.
What I started to doconsciously, you know, because
emotionally this was all justhappening to me.
(10:17):
But and I knew it all of thefive stages of anger, I knew
about all of them.
But knowing about them anddoing them are two different
(10:41):
things.
But I knew that I had toaddress it because I wasn't
doing well.
You know, the good thing aboutseeing a psychiatrist all the
time, which I do, is like a weekand a half after he died I had
a regular scheduled appointmentwith him and so what I started
(11:02):
to do was to get up at 2.30 inthe morning and start to problem
solve, because I knew wouldn'tnobody call me, email me or
anything at 2.30 in the morning,email me or anything at 2.30 in
the morning.
So I had a whole lot ofproblems that I saved up from
the day before, like anythingthat had to be written or done,
you know, finding accountantsfinding, you know, just because
(11:23):
my husband was my accountant andmy taxes were kind of
complicated and I didn't knowwhat was going on.
There were some things I justdidn't deal with and he dealt
withthem.
So I would do that from 2.30until around 5 or 6.
And then I would get up anddeal with the dog, because the
dog would bark all morning, hewould pee and poop in the house.
It was a she, her name was Tess.
(11:46):
She would pee and poop in thehouse.
I usually find a dead bird headsomewhere.
So I know I'd have to lookthrough the rest of the house to
find a dead birdbody.
But I was putting all thattogether and then I would clean.
And I would clean one room tillit was pristine, because I knew
chaos about me assists in thechaos in my head.
(12:07):
It reflects that.
So I have, if, if I have thingsmore pristine around me, the
chaos in my head, it doesn'tfeed it.
You know what I'm saying.
So that was what I did in orderto assist me with the chaos in
my head.
And untilabout.
And then, once nine o'clock hit, if I had somebody I had to
(12:29):
deal with.
The first thing, you know Iwould do it at nine Funeral home
, just anything, putting hisaffairs together, making fun.
You know I would do it at ninefuneral home, just anything,
putting his affairs together,making fun.
You know all of that.
And I would get done with allof the horror stuff by 10
o'clock.
And then I would get up and Iwould make dinner because I had
to keep busy and I wasn't eating.
I never ate the dinner that Imade, but I did it just to have
(12:52):
something to do.
And then I found myselfchecking the clock for three,
because that's the time Ithought I could crack open a
bottle of vodka, and that's what, exactly what I did.
So by 530, I was asleep becausemy thing was I have to avoid
the horror of it.
I can't be horrified all daylong.
(13:14):
I also found that when I cry, Icry.
You know about that.
I kind of howled a bit and just, and it was really hard on my
son who had to move home tobabysit me.
He couldn't take it really hardon him and every time.
So I took the howling in thecloset and one day he said Mom,
you know, I can still hear youin the closet.
(13:35):
I was like, well, you got toleave the house and do something
, brother, because the howlshave got to happen.
But anyway, and I was runningthat program for a while and
things got solved.
I mean, you know how muchhappens when somebody dies,
especially when somebody doessuddenly and he was do you see
(13:55):
what I'm doing in my hair?
This is scary, let me take myhands down.
But anyway, that was theprogram that I'm
running.
Even in the midst of hysteria,I'm always looking to feel on
purpose.
I'm always looking to manage myemotions, in part because I'm
afraid if I don't stay on top ofthem completely they will
(14:15):
destroy me entirely.
I've always believed that theworld was an arbitrary
incendiary place that pickedpeople out at random and burned
them up alive.
Because I was an anxious,worrisome little girl and
marrying Eric put that fire outfor decades and now the
conflagration was back, you know, and I'm out here trying to
(14:37):
hose it down with a sprinkler.
But I never stopped trying, Inever stopped working on it and
I got a little bit less and alittle bit less ludicrous as
time goeson.
And I also started to shift mydrinking because, you know, you
have to be careful how yousoothe, because if you soothe
(14:59):
inappropriately, the manner inwhich you soothe can become the
biggest problem that you have.
You know, and I knew that inthe beginning I didn't care.
A couple of first months if I,you know, I wanted to have.
I had one and I'm not, I'msmall, so I don't, it don't take
much to put me to bed and but Iwas like, look, lynn, you got
(15:21):
two months where you can notcare.
And then in the third month yougot to care.
So in the third month you gotto care.
So I started saying, okay,three's too early, let's go for
four.
Did it work?
I don't know.
A couple months finally did it.
Then I went from vodka to wineat four.
No, that's a lie.
(15:41):
I went from vodka to wine atthree and then I pushed it back
to four.
But anyway, and I would wrap myphone after a while when I
realized what I was doing whileI was drinking I was calling
people, I wrapped as soon as Iopened it.
I would wrap my phone in apiece of paper and tape it on.
It said you've been drinking.
So I wouldn't do that.
I always have a processprocedure for everything and I
(16:05):
really thought, as horrified asI still am by the entire thing
he still lives here with me andit's hard, and people were
telling me to move, but I can'tmove, I can't do anything.
So the other day, you know, Iwas sitting down.
Before I tell you that story,let me tell you these two and
(16:26):
then it'll demonstrate why myprocess and procedure, though
helpful, was not sufficient whenyou're in a state of hysteria
like that and I was hystericalfor a long time because every
time I had a problem in life Ibrought it to him and that my
(16:46):
biggest problem I had and hewasn't here to help me deal with
it.
And then all the other things Iwould get in my car.
I remember the first time Iwent into the gas station and
put gas in my car, I was bawlingso much.
Some man came and did it for mebecause my husband used to do
that and I didn't have to.
Or when a light comes on in mycar, I'm just, you know, I'm
like my God because it used tobe hey, eric, go look at the car
(17:08):
, because I don't know what thelight's on about.
But I don't do that, I can't dothat anymore.
And I went on these longstreaks of stupid had.
This one stupid has to do withthe car.
You know wasn't feeling the carwasn't going anywhere.
But one day I back out and I'mbacking out of the car and that
sucker just died and I'm likewell, what is this?
(17:31):
What's going on?
So I called AAA.
Everybody got AAA, come to findout, even though I pay all the
bills in the house and, you know, not pay all this because I
make all the money but I'm theperson who actually physically
writes the bills, you know, andI'm the one that actually gets
them open up and write them,except for the AAA bill, for
some reason.
That was the only bill that hekept handle on physically since
(17:57):
we got married, and so I calledyou and got it because he wasn't
here so he didn't renew it.
So then you have to go througha whole lot of who shot John to
get the AAA and this and that.
And I'm arguing with my sonbecause he don't know nothing
about cars.
I got two sons don't knownothing about cars.
I got to two sons don't knownothing about cars and we were
fussing and carrying on and hefinally took the car away and
(18:20):
the guy said you know, we foundthe guy and we got it to the
place and come to find out thatsucker was just out of gas.
I spent a whole lot of moneyand a whole lot of time.
Sucker was just out of gas.
I spent a whole lot of moneyand a whole lot of time.
Hysterical, didn't check thegas gauge, took it in, just yeah
.
I think one of my sons wouldhave said something, but they
(18:40):
weren't paying attention either.
And anyhow, another day I wasout playing with Zora and the
ball.
Zora gets a ball lodged in herthroat.
I go running down.
First I called 911, which wasstupid.
I said I don't think I shouldhave called you people.
You don't deal with dogschoking to death, do you?
He said no, we do not, lady.
I said thank you.
So I put the phone down.
I ran down the street to go toTroy's house.
(19:02):
Troy and Marjorie are a couplethat live next door to me.
He wasn't home.
She was home.
I told her what the problem was.
She dropped everything.
She comes careening out.
She comes in the house.
The dog had been walking aroundthe house trying to pull up the
balls.
Now the balls were too small.
It was a stupid thing I did andshe manhandled him.
(19:23):
I couldn't get him in the carbecause he was 100 pounds.
She's 100 pounds.
So she manhandled that dog, putit in the car I drive out, go
to the vet.
The vet is closed, didn't check.
I called my sons to pick me upin the car.
My hair's standing on top ofthe head, I'm crying.
I said find me.
I'm looking, trying to find avet in the phone and my sons
(19:46):
come out there and the dogfinally looked at me and I'm
sure the dog thought thesepeople are going to let me die,
let me handle myself.
So she went and finallyprojectile, vomited it up and
saved herself because I wasincompetent, incapable and
unable to do a thing for her.
(20:07):
So that's the chaos that astaticky mind creates.
That's the chaos that a mindnot at peace produces.
And I saw, even though I hadprocess and procedure hysteria,
(20:31):
I was still telling myself thewrong narrative.
You cannot just process andprogress, you have to reassess.
And I never did.
Now I probably could havereassessed.
I wasn't in a place to do thatuntil about six months ago when
(20:53):
I could have one glass of wineat six and call it a day and no
wine at all, doing fine, I canget up at a reasonable.
I never got up at a reasonablehour, but I can get up and I can
get things done and I can dothat and knock on wood, got to
find all the wood I can find andnothing else broke in a while.
So I don't know if he got tiredof it.
(21:16):
He found something else to do.
I know that's not true, but Itell myself stories so I can
live with myself.
But I don't never.
That implicates one of mymother's rules never believe the
lies.
You tell other people.
You know what I mean.
Tell lies to yourself a littlebit to make things work out, but
you always have to keep a placewhere the truth is somewhere so
(21:37):
you don't get confused by it.
So I didn't re.
I was, I had got into the habitof surviving.
I just realized this and Inever stepped back and
reassessed.
You have to step off this rule11 of my mother's rules.
You have to check your programevery once in a while.
(21:58):
Where was I headed?
For a while I was justmaintaining.
After a while I was headed tosolving problems, solving
problems, solving problems.
But once I got to a place wherethe problems weren't
particularly striking, I neverdecided what's next.
You know, my husband and I hadplans.
(22:19):
We were going to ride trains,because we have kids all over
the country, and we were goingto go up north forth, because he
hates the north.
But I wanted a little, you know, and they were going to do that
.
So we would sit in his officeand watch Amtrak videos on
YouTube.
I don't like that kind of carhoney, yeah, but you're not
YouTube.
Yeah, but you know that kind ofthing.
(22:39):
That's what we were going to do.
We were just planning trips, wewere going to do stuff and I
realized I had no.
I had no projects, I wasn'tworking, I had no plans.
I was getting through every dayand calling every day a success,
when it was simply nothing badhappened, and then I began to
(23:01):
feel a little aimless, a littleas if I was wandering about in
the you know, in a desert ofdesires that I had lost.
Do you know what I mean?
It used to be a verdant feel oflots.
I want to do this, I want to dothat, I want to do the other
thing.
I used to build doll houses andcrochet and paint, and now I
(23:22):
was in the process of problemsolving and sleeping, doing
nothing in a manner that kept mypeace, and I realized I have to
do something else.
The narratives that we giveourselves can be very, very
compelling, because we're astorytelling kind of people.
I remember one time I know thisstory is kind of a little off
(23:43):
the mark, but I'm going to tellit anyway I was talking to these
choreographers that made up thestance for the thing that we're
doing on Marriage Boot Camp,and it was kind of long.
And I said you just put thattogether.
How do these choreographersthat made up this dance for the
thing that we're doing onmarriage boot camp?
And it was kind of long.
And I said you just put thattogether.
How do you remember it?
And they said we tell ourselvesa story.
Okay, first we're fighting,then we love you.
So if you tell yourself a story.
I mean, that's easy, that makessense to us and our brains tell
(24:06):
ourselves stories abouteverything, even if those those,
those stories are true or nottrue.
That's how our brain becauseour brain gets a lot of
information it's got to makesense of it, it's got to sift it
, it's got to sort it and ittells you a story.
And that's why, whenpoliticians talk, they tell
stories about because they wantto get up under your skin as
(24:28):
opposed to get up in your brain,because if they get up in your
brain, you find out that they'renot that bright.
But anyway, I shouldn't saythat about politicians in
general, because I ran for judge, I was a politician.
I remember I walked up to adoor one day as knocking on the
door oh, what are you doing?
I said well, I'm running forjudge and he said a politician,
get off my doorstep.
So you, you shouldn'tgeneralize like that, but I'm
(24:50):
just a little cranky becauseit's well anyway, don't let me
get started.
What brought me to thisconclusion that I had not, that
I was now telling myself anerrant narrative, is because I
got up and I was going to Targetand a couple of things went
(25:10):
wrong.
Some idiot didn't know how tomake a left turn and something
else happened and I designatedit a bad day what you know what
I mean and I decided it was abad day and I went in there
thinking it was a bad day, and Iwent in there thinking that I
was going to find what I want.
Several bad things happened Ican't remember once, but they
were all stupid.
Something went on the house.
(25:31):
Yeah, the dogs, they did dothat.
They, they, they pulled up thesprinklers in my backyard, you
know.
So I had like a water park backthere and then they ran in the
house.
I had mud everywhere.
Bad day.
But I realized something as Iwas walking into that Target.
Why is it that the fact I got awater park, it took mean that
(25:53):
I'm not going to find what I'mlooking for in here.
How did you get there, toller?
You told yourself a story.
You told yourself you werehaving a bad day and now your
emotionality is anticipatingthat kind of negativity.
You got to ask yourself whatkind of narratives are you
telling yourself?
(26:13):
Are you telling?
You know, when you tellyourself the narrative of I'm
having a bad day, it is aself-fulfilling prophecy,
because A you keep.
Anything that goes wrong getsput on the list.
You know, usually when thingsgo wrong, you kind of let it go.
If it's just one thing herethere, you let it go.
But if you're having a bad day,you having a you're, you've got
(26:33):
a I'm having a bad day boxwhere you will collect all those
negative things that you wouldotherwise let go.
That's number one.
Number two when you decide thatyou're having a bad day, you
become negative and so you'reanticipating problems.
So when you talk to otherpeople, you're anticipating
they're not going to give youwhat you want, to do what you
want, and then you come at thema little crooked.
(26:55):
Are you coming at them?
Nice, you know?
Are you having a bad?
You know you.
You talk to people and say whatkind of day are you having?
Or who hurt you, it's becauseyou're anticipating a problem
that doesn't exist and in sodoing, you're creating that
problem.
If you've decided that you hadbad day, you infer attitude from
somebody else.
I may give you an answer.
That was just short, and thenyou're going to think it's terse
(27:19):
and snappy because you'vedecided you've had a bad day.
So you infer negativity when youdeal with other people little
quick and you get a littleimpatient and you start making
(27:39):
mistakes and then it makesthings worse and so you in fact
created a bad day because youdecided that it was a bad day
far too soon.
You know, don't jump, don'tcome to the conclusion too soon.
It's what we all do these days,especially because you know
technology and social media.
It makes it easier to do snapdecisions.
I've got this information.
I got that information.
(27:59):
Let me go make this decision,let me go do that and let me do
the other thing.
But you know, the devil is inthe details and the devil will
whoop your behind if you don'tmake sure you know you keep it.
What is it down in the holefrom the wire?
God, I love that show.
That was good.
You know.
That was one of the neat thingsabout not being up to date on
(28:21):
anything.
It doesn't have anything to dowith anything, but I found the
Wire during COVID, so that gaveme days and days and days of
wonderful.
I found a lot of good showsduring COVID, so, but anyway,
that ain't got nothing to dowith nothing.
I was telling you about yournarrative, so just watch your
narrative.
Ask yourself how are you sayingthings to yourself?
Are you making your day betteror worse by what you're saying
(28:45):
to yourself?
You can feel on purpose,because under your skin is a
sovereign country, so you oughtnot go around willy-nilly
passing out passports to peoplewho don't belong there and most
of the world does not belongunder your skin.
Just doesn't Protect your peace, protect your borders.
Try to feel on purpose.
(29:06):
I am Y'all.
Have a good day.
Popular Podcasts
Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com