September 9, 2024 • 31 mins
Have you ever thought about how something as simple as a watermelon could carry a lifetime of emotional significance? Join Judge Lynn on "Feeling On Purpose" as she unpacks this intriguing story and shares her personal journey with anxiety and depression. Discover how seemingly small past experiences can leave lasting marks on your emotional landscape. Through personal anecdotes—from an unexpected fondness for dental visits to a doctor's appointment gone wrong—Judge Lynn highlights how emotional memories shape our present-day feelings.
This episode also explores practical ways to boost emotional intelligence. Judge Lynn discusses the power of self-awareness, recognizing emotional triggers, and setting healthy boundaries to protect your well-being. By reflecting on your personal biases and past interactions, you can better manage your emotional responses and resist political manipulation. Tune in to learn how to take control of your emotions and cultivate emotional resilience.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know her as the longest presiding judge on
divorce court, for more than 14years.
Marriage boot camp and manyother programs.
A graduate of Harvard, judgeLynn Toler is the author of my
Mother's Rules Making MarriageWork and Dear Sonali Letters to
the Daughter I Never had, all ofwhich are dedicated to the
proper emotion, what it is andhow to find it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Remember under your skin is a sovereign country.
Don't go passing out passportsall willy-nilly to people who
don't belong there.
Let me help you protect youremotional borders so we can all
start feeling on purpose.
Hi, this is Judge Leonard.
I want to welcome you back toFeeling On Purpose.
(00:42):
Feeling On Purpose is thepodcast in which I ask you how
you're feeling, and I don't meanare you feeling good or feeling
feeling bad, or you're feelinghappy.
I mean how are you feeling?
Are you feeling accurately,intelligently, consciously and
in a way that will allow you toconduct the business you need to
(01:02):
conduct?
I consider myself an expert onthe subject for a variety of
reasons, but the most compellingone is this I was a woman, born
anxious, depressed andreclusive, and I live a very
(01:23):
public life.
I live in opposition to how Ifeel all the time.
Had I lived in accordance withhow I felt, I'd be in a cave
with a dog somewhere rockingback and forth, talking about
how it's not safe and I can'tleave.
That's what would be happening.
So I've learned over the yearsto fight how you feel, fix how
(01:48):
you feel and pick how you feel.
And wouldn't it be wonderful inthis world where you know
November, everything's going tojust jump off In a world where
everybody's upset, excited,rageful and upset.
If you can manage your emotions, like the job they are.
(02:10):
I want to tell you a story abouttwo doctors and a watermelon.
The first doctor is a dentistDr Hall, I think it was.
I'm not sure.
I love going to the dentist, Imean I just it's fun.
(02:34):
During after my husband died, Iwanted to do something fun, so
I went in for some recreationaldentistry.
I got all my silver fillingsout and they put white ones in.
The fillings were like from1960, something back when they
used to fill them with silver,and so I did that.
(02:56):
I love the dentist.
Most people hate the dentistand I called my sister one time.
I asked her why and wediscussed it and I'll tell you
what we figured out later.
The second doctor is Dr Clark.
He was a physician physician.
He was a friend of my parentsand I couldn't stand him.
I was standing in the basementlooking at him one time,
thinking I really hate thisperson, Couldn't figure it out.
(03:19):
The watermelon is this myhusband hates it when I eat
watermelon, or hated it when Iate a watermelon.
Uh, and I love watermelon, soevery time I'd bring it in the
house he'd screw up his face.
At one time he was so annoyedhe said must you be such a
(03:43):
stereotype?
And you know, to his credit, hewalked that one back
immediately.
But he did say that and I couldnever understand why.
He just couldn't stand the ideathat I just loved watermelon.
(04:03):
Doctor number one let me explainthe dentist.
Back in the day in the 60s,when I was going to the dentist,
my dentist was a red-headedwhite guy with freckles and he
used nitrous oxide, which islaughing gas, for every single
solitary procedure that heperformed.
I mean all of them Teethcleaning, everything.
(04:24):
I was an incredibly anxious anddistraught child, so the first
introduction to real peace wasin the dentist's office.
He would put that nitrous ox onmy face and that was the first
time he was getting me high, hewas making me happy, it was the
(04:49):
chillest place in the world andhis freckles used to dance and I
still like redheads too, by theway.
But that's why.
Second doctor was Dr Clark.
Dr Clark, apparently, was mypediatrician when I was very,
very young, too young toremember his face and understand
that.
But emotionally I rememberedhis face and I asked my mother.
(05:12):
I said why can't I stand?
that guy and he says well, heused to be your pediatrician
when you were really young, butwe moved on and you probably
just remember him from that.
I had an emotional memory ofhim but no actual memory of him.
The watermelon is this myhusband's mother used to love
watermelon not unlike his secondwife, which is me.
(05:34):
And back in the day there wereno plastic bags Everything you
threw out the garbage in paperbags.
So she would throw thewatermelon rinds in the paper
bag and they would soak through,and it was his job to take out
the trash and so when he wouldpick it up, if there were too
(05:56):
many rinds in there, the bagwould break and stuff would go
everywhere.
He hated watermelon because ofthat.
Emotional memories are like thecolorado river of your mind.
You have deep-seated feelingsof disgust, joy, happiness, uh,
(06:17):
distress, fear, as a function ofwhat you've seen.
We all look at the presentthrough the prism of our past
and that just bends the lightthat.
You see, I had an emotionalmemory of great peace and joy at
the dentist's office and thoughI didn't have a specific memory
(06:39):
of it until my sister told meabout it, I didn't tell you that
part.
The way I remembered it was.
I was talking to my sister toldme about it.
I didn't tell you that part.
The way I remembered it was Iwas talking to my sister about
it one day.
She likes the dentist too.
She don't love it like I do,but she liked it too and she
says, oh, don't you remember?
And then she told me she had amuch better memory than me.
It's a doctor hall or whateverhis name was, and that's why you
like the dentist and your braincan hang on to feelings about
(07:06):
circumstances, people,substances, issues and ideas,
and you don't know why you feelthat way.
I think it's very, veryimportant that we all stand in
front of our bathroom mirrorsregularly and figure out what's
there, why it's there and ifit's doing us any good.
(07:33):
I've been spending a lot of timein the mirror myself these days
as a new widow.
The interesting thing aboutthat is it's all new, right.
You've got no emotionalmemories for it, and what you're
(07:53):
doing in it is trying to figureout how to feel not only about
it but about everything else,how to feel not only about it
but about everything else.
All relationships shift, allidentities change and I have to
figure out who I am again.
(08:14):
From zero to 16, I was alunatic that was being adjusted
by my mother From 16 to 20something.
I was still a lunatic, but Iwas only half a lunatic.
And after that, though, I gotmarried at 29.
(08:36):
I got with him at 27, and I waswith him longer than I was ever
single before I met him.
And now I'm trying to find out.
I don't want to be the old Lynnwho would want to be that
24-year-old or 20-year-old child.
I mean, if I met my 20-year-oldself today, I probably wouldn't
like her.
I think that bitch was crazyand I don't want to be bothered
(08:57):
with her.
I want to be somebody thatfeels safe, secure and happy and
calm in the context of my lifeabsent him.
But my emotional memories ofcalm now all run through the
river of his presence.
(09:17):
He was how I got calm for 35years.
35 years.
He was the guy he was like.
He walked on to the Universityof Cincinnati football team and
started in his second year there.
I mean, he was that dude.
(09:39):
He didn't know about fear,couldn't find, he did not own
the phrase I can't, and he mostdefinitely wouldn't allow me to
say I can't.
And now I'm still in thegrooves when he is supposed to
(10:06):
make me calm.
I've got to rise up out of thatbecause while I'm still in the
grooves of him making me calm, Ihave to.
I'm always short.
I mean, I'm short anyway, I'mfive foot one, but I'm always
lacking because that's not there.
I have to build new emotionalgrooves to get into, to teach
(10:30):
myself how to be this otherindividual, a 64 year old single
woman who tends towards worryand stress.
Do y'all see my hair here?
It's always a dramatic thing,it's never quite right, but
(10:51):
that's you know, that's how youknow it's me, because everything
is not quite right.
I want to show you something inthe back there.
I don't know if you can see it,I don't know if it's backwards,
but it's a chopping board thatI bought that says dine here at
your own risk.
(11:11):
I thought it was so hilarious Icouldn't leave it in the
kitchen.
I don't know why I got on that,but I did.
Back to the matter at hand aboutfeeling on purpose.
I know that I am frustrated andfrightened, in part as a
(11:35):
function of my changedcircumstance.
What I must do is not allowthat to be my understanding of
my current circumstance, andhere's what I mean by that it's
not as stressful as it seems,and I have to keep remembering
(12:00):
that Everything strikes me asmore stressful than it is simply
because he's not here.
So the first thing I have to doas an emotional management is
to bam every morning Anysituation you run into Toler is
not as bad as it seems.
I have to repeat that self.
(12:21):
It's a mantra and what I do formy emotional management, the
processes and procedures of is Imake it a job like I'll put
stickers on my computer that sayit's not as bad as it seems.
When I was a was, I was a judgein Cleveland Heights putting
(12:41):
people in jail.
I had a screen sever says don'tworry, work, because I would
worry about things.
You have to have emotionalreminders to do the right thing,
especially if you're trying tochange one of your emotional
(13:01):
rivers.
It's like the like the grandcanyon, colorado river.
You get one emotion that justruns and runs and runs and runs.
It gets deep and it gets downthere and you're going to have
trouble finding it.
So you have to always askyourself how am I feeling?
(13:22):
What am I feeling and is itgoing to do me any good?
Just the other day I lost mymind because the dog was choking
on a ball.
Sell that you know.
(13:48):
He'd have thrown the dog on itsback, pull the thing.
All of that I didn't have that.
I called 9-1-1, which wasinappropriate.
They told me that I ran down tothe neighbors I had just
scurrying about and she had myneighbor come and she ran back
with me and she younger than Iam.
She's at a 40s.
By the time I got home I washuffing and puffing and I was
(14:09):
trying to get the dog in the carto take it to the vet.
I was so worried.
I'm 64, I'm not supposed to berunning nowhere.
But she picked the dog, shemanhandled that pup, put it in
the back.
I finally got it.
But I just spent all my timepanicking and I was watching
myself from my second set ofeyes and I'll explain that to
(14:30):
you at another time.
But I was watching myself withmy second set of eyes and I was
seeing me.
Oh yes, you're out of control,you're upset, you're walking
around and you're doing a lot ofstupid things.
In fact, I told the 911operator when I called.
He says 911, state the addressof your emergency.
(14:54):
And I said well, I don't eventhink I should be calling you my
dog's choking on a ball.
Y'all don't do anything aboutthat, do you?
And he said no See, I knew Iwas wrong.
I was in the process ofpanicking and I was watching
myself on high, panicking,panicking, panicking.
And I got to the vet's office.
The vet was closed.
(15:15):
I'm in a parking lot in thephone, my hair standing straight
up on him because it was wet,and then I went out and you know
, you can't do that as a sister.
That just is.
That's just.
This is an ugly thing.
And I'm panicking and I call mysons and I'm running up and
down and I said you don't knowwhat to do and you can't stop.
(15:39):
I was actively angry withmyself as I was buzzing about,
unable to stop.
So now I know that I got tofind.
I got to find, I got to find a,I got to find a snap.
I know that I know when I'mpanicking.
(16:01):
I know when I'm doing that now.
And I got to find a new stop.
My old stop used to be panic,getting ready to panic before I
started doing anything.
It was a call, initially to mama, and the funny thing was she
taught me this.
He said I used to get veryangry at people, very, very
(16:23):
angry at people, and I couldundo you, I mean I could just
level you with.
I could just tie up a bunch ofwords and just slam them right
into your heart, hurt you atyour weakest, and it was always
unseemly and it was usuallyunnecessary and I usually
regretted it greatly.
So I was talking about it to mymother once.
(16:43):
She said you know you have a gophrase and I said what do you
mean?
I got a go phrase.
She said you got a go phrase.
She said you know what?
And I said you know what.
You know what.
She said if you ever hearyourself saying you know what,
call me, beg off and call me me.
(17:07):
And confused a lot of people fora lot of years, because
sometimes I would be in themiddle of a.
I think I have something wrongwith my eye shadow.
I am the worst.
I am a court low on estrogen.
I swear I have no feminineabilities whatsoever.
Just, I mean I can have kids,but that's about it.
Look at that.
But anyhow, anyhow, um, whatwas I talking about?
(17:30):
Oh, the snap the trigger and itwould weird people out because
I off, I gotta go, I'm out, hangon bye, whatever, because I
(17:52):
knew I was about to act a fooland I had to go by.
I had to go call my mother,talk to her about the
circumstance and then after awhile I could stop, do the pause
after I heard my go phrase.
And then I learned just to saysomething like I'm upset, I want
to talk right now.
(18:12):
And then over the years I gotbetter and better and better.
I can hear the go phrase now,adjust my attitude in real time,
because I know when I go phrasemeans you're about to get
excited about something.
The first thing I need to dowhen I hear that go phrase is
say something nice to the personthat I'm dealing with.
(18:33):
I don't care Not to make themhappy, not to make them okay,
but to adjust me, to see them ashuman and multifaceted and not
just the person that was causingme inconvenience, trouble,
trauma or anything like that inthe moment.
And that's how you change, howyou feel.
(18:56):
You watch yourself, youcritique yourself and then you
put procedures in place for whenyour emotionality might get in
front of you and get you to dosomething you're not supposed to
.
What is this dark stuff on myeyes?
(19:17):
Anyway, given that emotions arethe Colorado River of the mind.
You know just, I alwaysrecommend debriefing.
At the end of the day, how doyou feel?
(19:39):
Who made you feel that way?
And, before you add it, beforeyou allow it, to tell you how to
feel about a certain certainlike if you never run into
anybody blonde before I'm justmaking this up and your first
interaction with this blondeperson is just awful, you got to
(20:01):
go home and say I met oneblonde person I don't know all
blonde people and I have towithhold judgment specifically
next time I run into a blonde,because I had a negative
experience with this one and thething that you don't want to do
is allow any individual foldand there are many out there of
(20:26):
all hues, genders, sizes,cultures, nationalities.
I think it was.
What was it?
Was it Les Brown that saideverybody, all cultures, have a
liberal springing of fools?
Well, it's true.
So what do we look like lettingone fool define a whole
(20:48):
category of people for you?
What do we look like allowingone incident to define how you
feel about anything involved inthat incident?
What do we look like when weare hooping and hollering every
day about not much of anythingand then we took at our children
(21:14):
and wondered why little Johnnyis hooping and hollering too.
You know, I think emotions areso important, and it's not just
because you have the right tofeel the way you do.
You do.
You have the right to feel theway you do, but you can also
feel in a manner that allows youto conduct your business, in a
(21:37):
way that makes it easier, morepleasant, less stressful.
You know politicians that useemotion all the time.
They gin up fear of somethingor somebody that's unlike them,
and then they say they're goingto solve that problem for you
and therefore, so they scare you, so you'll vote for them.
(22:03):
Yeah, lbj said something likeyou know, if I, you know, I can
pick his pocket.
I can pick a white man's pocketas long as I keep pointing at
the black man and saying he'sbetter than him.
And he says you know, it's justa matter of using differences
and fears.
(22:23):
You know fears.
The only thing you have to fearis fear yourself.
You better believe it.
But anyhow, I'm not talkingabout that.
I'm talking about the abilityto modify how you feel, and the
ability to modify how you feelis in understanding how you feel
and understanding your baseemotionality and also understand
(22:47):
what the Colorado River hasdone to your brain.
The Colorado River of whateverhistory, trauma, happy, lovely.
I remember one time, twice onthe bench, I caught the colorado
river rolling through my headone time.
(23:09):
This guy came forward and Ijust didn't like him.
Didn't like him and I keptthinking to myself what is?
Because I have a second set ofeyes, and I'm gonna tell you
about that second set of eyes onanother day.
But a second set of eyes wassomething that my mother made me
create in order to always havevision about my emotionality.
(23:32):
So I said, why don't I likethis guy?
And so I just and I made extrasure that I I was extra fair, I
did it all that.
And then I thought about itlater.
He looked just like thisindividual I dated once in
college that I cannot stand andI can't even believe.
(23:54):
Well, anyway, in college, thatI cannot stand and I can't even
believe, well, anyway.
And that was it.
And then there was another timeon the bench, a Muslim guy came
up and said to me not guilty,because I obey the laws of Allah
, not the laws of man.
And that went right up my backand I was like what?
Because I've had a lot ofChristians come in and say the
(24:17):
same thing.
You know well, you can't judgeme because God judged me and I
never get excited about it.
I always smile and I say, yeah,but we kind of got to live here
together and you know, if youlook in the Bible, there's some
rules about.
You know how you get along andwithin the context of a
community you're a blue one.
That's not why you're here.
(24:39):
But it is not inconsistent withthe Bible is what I was trying
to say.
But this guy came and I wasreally angry with him and I
thought about it and I did thesame thing.
I made extra sure that I wasfair, that I did everything just
the way I did it for everybodyelse.
(24:59):
And then I got home and Ithought about it, because you
can't have a thought, a feelingand just let it happen and let
it go by.
There's a reason that you feltthat way and you will feel that
way when the the same, when thesame impetus arises again and
you can't allow yourself not tolearn.
(25:19):
So I went home and I thoughtabout it and then, as it was two
things I had not been marriedvery long and my husband had
four sons with his first wifeand his oldest had become Muslim
and he used to write notes.
When I had the like I'm writingout my grocery list and I'll put
(25:40):
porkchops on there, he says nopork should hit your fork.
I mean, he was just real, youknow 17.
He was being 17 about it and Ithought, well, that's a dumb
reason not to like somebodyassociated with Islam.
And then I called my sister Ihave a horrible memory and
talked, called my sister.
I have a horrible memory and Icalled my sister and, and then I
remembered it, the first Muslimthat I ran into was a guy that
(26:05):
married a friend of my sister'sand he was not a good person.
And it's not that he wasn't abad person because he was Muslim
, he was a bad person because hewas a bad person.
And I know he was a bad personbecause when he was
administering discipline to her,he killed her, beat her to
(26:25):
death and left her on thekitchen floor with her four
preschool-age children and ran.
And you know, can you imaginethe oldest like five mommy get
up, mommy get up, and mommyain't gonna get up because she
got disciplined to death.
That was my entry to Islam andit was not what it was.
(26:51):
So I went and studied a littlebit about the religion and did
all that because I don't havethe right to coddle my
prejudices, I don't have a rightnot to know what they are.
I don't have the right not tofight all the prejudices I have
and the fact that you knowjudges have biases just like
(27:15):
everybody else, and to theextent that we don't, you know,
I mean you have to mind yourmind.
You know you got to get inthere, you got to look and you
won't know what to look at orlook for until you have your
second set of eyes.
And that's the next thing I'mgoing to talk about is your
(27:37):
second set of eyes.
But before I do that, I alwayspromise that I'm going to answer
at least one question on mypodcast.
So I have one, and here we go.
This is from a woman and I'manswering this question because
she's after my own heart.
She is my husband and herhusband is me.
(28:00):
Basically, she says one of ourbiggest realizations is that we
might not be entirely compatible.
Last December, an argumentescalated to the point where he
packed his bags and said he wasleaving.
He was upset that I wasn'toverly emotional about something
, although I did calmly ask himto stay.
He left, came back and took twodays of talking for us to get
back on track.
(28:20):
He is a worrier I'm not aworrier and he doesn't think
that, basically, that she takeshim seriously because she
doesn't worry the way he does.
I'm answering this questionbecause I noticed one from what
I lived.
My husband used to feel the sameway about me.
(28:41):
I was convinced that each andevery day, the world was going
to end necessarily, and I wouldgo in there and try to convince
my husband that, yes, in factthe world is ending and it's
going to end today, and there'snothing he can do about it.
But I wanted him to worry aboutit with me.
I wore him out, I wore myselfout and we used to fight about
(29:04):
it until we realized that wewere on the same side and the
worry was the problem.
So what we did was one wediscussed it and we discussed it
.
So I knew that he wasn'tdisregarding my angst, but that
he didn't share it and that itwas good that he didn't share it
(29:25):
.
That was an adjustment that Ihad to make.
I knew that I was the anxiousone and I knew that I had to
make that adjustment.
And then we would talk about itand we would talk about things
that he could do to make me feelsafer.
And then it was all aboutmaking me feel safe, not about
(29:55):
him being equally upset.
You have to enjoy thedifferences, not be annoyed by
the differences.
So you to sit on one side ofthe table and say his worry is
over here.
What are the things that we'regonna do, do about it?
Is it a money thing?
Can we do something about that?
(30:17):
You know, help him with hisworry.
Just don't get excited when youdo it and you got to listen a
little.
I know we're a pain in thebehind, but we got to listen a
little Just let us get it outand then, once it's out there,
you and him on his side, worryon that side 's.
(30:40):
That's that's what I got foryou on that one.
It's a matter of perspective.
It's a matter about feelingabout appropriately, about the
problem.
The problem wasn't him, theproblem isn't you, the problem
is the worry and that's whatshould take you on.
So thank you for coming along.
I hope you, uh, do feel onpurpose all day long, because
(31:03):
remember, under your skin issovereign country, so you
shouldn't be passing outpassports all willy-nilly to
people who do not belong there.
You need to defend youremotional borders so you can
always feel on purpose.
Don't let anybody back theremess with you.
I don't like it.
You shouldn't either.
See you next time.
You know her as the longest presiding judge on
divorce court, for more than 14years.
Marriage boot camp and manyother programs.
A graduate of Harvard, judgeLynn Toler is the author of my
Mother's Rules Making MarriageWork and Dear Sonali Letters to
the Daughter I Never had, all ofwhich are dedicated to the
proper emotion, what it is andhow to find it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Remember under your skin is a sovereign country.
Don't go passing out passportsall willy-nilly to people who
don't belong there.
Let me help you protect youremotional borders so we can all
start feeling on purpose.
Hi, this is Judge Leonard.
I want to welcome you back toFeeling On Purpose.
(00:42):
Feeling On Purpose is thepodcast in which I ask you how
you're feeling, and I don't meanare you feeling good or feeling
feeling bad, or you're feelinghappy.
I mean how are you feeling?
Are you feeling accurately,intelligently, consciously and
in a way that will allow you toconduct the business you need to
(01:02):
conduct?
I consider myself an expert onthe subject for a variety of
reasons, but the most compellingone is this I was a woman, born
anxious, depressed andreclusive, and I live a very
(01:23):
public life.
I live in opposition to how Ifeel all the time.
Had I lived in accordance withhow I felt, I'd be in a cave
with a dog somewhere rockingback and forth, talking about
how it's not safe and I can'tleave.
That's what would be happening.
So I've learned over the yearsto fight how you feel, fix how
(01:48):
you feel and pick how you feel.
And wouldn't it be wonderful inthis world where you know
November, everything's going tojust jump off In a world where
everybody's upset, excited,rageful and upset.
If you can manage your emotions, like the job they are.
(02:10):
I want to tell you a story abouttwo doctors and a watermelon.
The first doctor is a dentistDr Hall, I think it was.
I'm not sure.
I love going to the dentist, Imean I just it's fun.
(02:34):
During after my husband died, Iwanted to do something fun, so
I went in for some recreationaldentistry.
I got all my silver fillingsout and they put white ones in.
The fillings were like from1960, something back when they
used to fill them with silver,and so I did that.
(02:56):
I love the dentist.
Most people hate the dentistand I called my sister one time.
I asked her why and wediscussed it and I'll tell you
what we figured out later.
The second doctor is Dr Clark.
He was a physician physician.
He was a friend of my parentsand I couldn't stand him.
I was standing in the basementlooking at him one time,
thinking I really hate thisperson, Couldn't figure it out.
(03:19):
The watermelon is this myhusband hates it when I eat
watermelon, or hated it when Iate a watermelon.
Uh, and I love watermelon, soevery time I'd bring it in the
house he'd screw up his face.
At one time he was so annoyedhe said must you be such a
(03:43):
stereotype?
And you know, to his credit, hewalked that one back
immediately.
But he did say that and I couldnever understand why.
He just couldn't stand the ideathat I just loved watermelon.
(04:03):
Doctor number one let me explainthe dentist.
Back in the day in the 60s,when I was going to the dentist,
my dentist was a red-headedwhite guy with freckles and he
used nitrous oxide, which islaughing gas, for every single
solitary procedure that heperformed.
I mean all of them Teethcleaning, everything.
(04:24):
I was an incredibly anxious anddistraught child, so the first
introduction to real peace wasin the dentist's office.
He would put that nitrous ox onmy face and that was the first
time he was getting me high, hewas making me happy, it was the
(04:49):
chillest place in the world andhis freckles used to dance and I
still like redheads too, by theway.
But that's why.
Second doctor was Dr Clark.
Dr Clark, apparently, was mypediatrician when I was very,
very young, too young toremember his face and understand
that.
But emotionally I rememberedhis face and I asked my mother.
(05:12):
I said why can't I stand?
that guy and he says well, heused to be your pediatrician
when you were really young, butwe moved on and you probably
just remember him from that.
I had an emotional memory ofhim but no actual memory of him.
The watermelon is this myhusband's mother used to love
watermelon not unlike his secondwife, which is me.
(05:34):
And back in the day there wereno plastic bags Everything you
threw out the garbage in paperbags.
So she would throw thewatermelon rinds in the paper
bag and they would soak through,and it was his job to take out
the trash and so when he wouldpick it up, if there were too
(05:56):
many rinds in there, the bagwould break and stuff would go
everywhere.
He hated watermelon because ofthat.
Emotional memories are like thecolorado river of your mind.
You have deep-seated feelingsof disgust, joy, happiness, uh,
(06:17):
distress, fear, as a function ofwhat you've seen.
We all look at the presentthrough the prism of our past
and that just bends the lightthat.
You see, I had an emotionalmemory of great peace and joy at
the dentist's office and thoughI didn't have a specific memory
(06:39):
of it until my sister told meabout it, I didn't tell you that
part.
The way I remembered it was.
I was talking to my sister toldme about it.
I didn't tell you that part.
The way I remembered it was Iwas talking to my sister about
it one day.
She likes the dentist too.
She don't love it like I do,but she liked it too and she
says, oh, don't you remember?
And then she told me she had amuch better memory than me.
It's a doctor hall or whateverhis name was, and that's why you
like the dentist and your braincan hang on to feelings about
(07:06):
circumstances, people,substances, issues and ideas,
and you don't know why you feelthat way.
I think it's very, veryimportant that we all stand in
front of our bathroom mirrorsregularly and figure out what's
there, why it's there and ifit's doing us any good.
(07:33):
I've been spending a lot of timein the mirror myself these days
as a new widow.
The interesting thing aboutthat is it's all new, right.
You've got no emotionalmemories for it, and what you're
(07:53):
doing in it is trying to figureout how to feel not only about
it but about everything else,how to feel not only about it
but about everything else.
All relationships shift, allidentities change and I have to
figure out who I am again.
(08:14):
From zero to 16, I was alunatic that was being adjusted
by my mother From 16 to 20something.
I was still a lunatic, but Iwas only half a lunatic.
And after that, though, I gotmarried at 29.
(08:36):
I got with him at 27, and I waswith him longer than I was ever
single before I met him.
And now I'm trying to find out.
I don't want to be the old Lynnwho would want to be that
24-year-old or 20-year-old child.
I mean, if I met my 20-year-oldself today, I probably wouldn't
like her.
I think that bitch was crazyand I don't want to be bothered
(08:57):
with her.
I want to be somebody thatfeels safe, secure and happy and
calm in the context of my lifeabsent him.
But my emotional memories ofcalm now all run through the
river of his presence.
(09:17):
He was how I got calm for 35years.
35 years.
He was the guy he was like.
He walked on to the Universityof Cincinnati football team and
started in his second year there.
I mean, he was that dude.
(09:39):
He didn't know about fear,couldn't find, he did not own
the phrase I can't, and he mostdefinitely wouldn't allow me to
say I can't.
And now I'm still in thegrooves when he is supposed to
(10:06):
make me calm.
I've got to rise up out of thatbecause while I'm still in the
grooves of him making me calm, Ihave to.
I'm always short.
I mean, I'm short anyway, I'mfive foot one, but I'm always
lacking because that's not there.
I have to build new emotionalgrooves to get into, to teach
(10:30):
myself how to be this otherindividual, a 64 year old single
woman who tends towards worryand stress.
Do y'all see my hair here?
It's always a dramatic thing,it's never quite right, but
(10:51):
that's you know, that's how youknow it's me, because everything
is not quite right.
I want to show you something inthe back there.
I don't know if you can see it,I don't know if it's backwards,
but it's a chopping board thatI bought that says dine here at
your own risk.
(11:11):
I thought it was so hilarious Icouldn't leave it in the
kitchen.
I don't know why I got on that,but I did.
Back to the matter at hand aboutfeeling on purpose.
I know that I am frustrated andfrightened, in part as a
(11:35):
function of my changedcircumstance.
What I must do is not allowthat to be my understanding of
my current circumstance, andhere's what I mean by that it's
not as stressful as it seems,and I have to keep remembering
(12:00):
that Everything strikes me asmore stressful than it is simply
because he's not here.
So the first thing I have to doas an emotional management is
to bam every morning Anysituation you run into Toler is
not as bad as it seems.
I have to repeat that self.
(12:21):
It's a mantra and what I do formy emotional management, the
processes and procedures of is Imake it a job like I'll put
stickers on my computer that sayit's not as bad as it seems.
When I was a was, I was a judgein Cleveland Heights putting
(12:41):
people in jail.
I had a screen sever says don'tworry, work, because I would
worry about things.
You have to have emotionalreminders to do the right thing,
especially if you're trying tochange one of your emotional
(13:01):
rivers.
It's like the like the grandcanyon, colorado river.
You get one emotion that justruns and runs and runs and runs.
It gets deep and it gets downthere and you're going to have
trouble finding it.
So you have to always askyourself how am I feeling?
(13:22):
What am I feeling and is itgoing to do me any good?
Just the other day I lost mymind because the dog was choking
on a ball.
Sell that you know.
(13:48):
He'd have thrown the dog on itsback, pull the thing.
All of that I didn't have that.
I called 9-1-1, which wasinappropriate.
They told me that I ran down tothe neighbors I had just
scurrying about and she had myneighbor come and she ran back
with me and she younger than Iam.
She's at a 40s.
By the time I got home I washuffing and puffing and I was
(14:09):
trying to get the dog in the carto take it to the vet.
I was so worried.
I'm 64, I'm not supposed to berunning nowhere.
But she picked the dog, shemanhandled that pup, put it in
the back.
I finally got it.
But I just spent all my timepanicking and I was watching
myself from my second set ofeyes and I'll explain that to
(14:30):
you at another time.
But I was watching myself withmy second set of eyes and I was
seeing me.
Oh yes, you're out of control,you're upset, you're walking
around and you're doing a lot ofstupid things.
In fact, I told the 911operator when I called.
He says 911, state the addressof your emergency.
(14:54):
And I said well, I don't eventhink I should be calling you my
dog's choking on a ball.
Y'all don't do anything aboutthat, do you?
And he said no See, I knew Iwas wrong.
I was in the process ofpanicking and I was watching
myself on high, panicking,panicking, panicking.
And I got to the vet's office.
The vet was closed.
(15:15):
I'm in a parking lot in thephone, my hair standing straight
up on him because it was wet,and then I went out and you know
, you can't do that as a sister.
That just is.
That's just.
This is an ugly thing.
And I'm panicking and I call mysons and I'm running up and
down and I said you don't knowwhat to do and you can't stop.
(15:39):
I was actively angry withmyself as I was buzzing about,
unable to stop.
So now I know that I got tofind.
I got to find, I got to find a,I got to find a snap.
I know that I know when I'mpanicking.
(16:01):
I know when I'm doing that now.
And I got to find a new stop.
My old stop used to be panic,getting ready to panic before I
started doing anything.
It was a call, initially to mama, and the funny thing was she
taught me this.
He said I used to get veryangry at people, very, very
(16:23):
angry at people, and I couldundo you, I mean I could just
level you with.
I could just tie up a bunch ofwords and just slam them right
into your heart, hurt you atyour weakest, and it was always
unseemly and it was usuallyunnecessary and I usually
regretted it greatly.
So I was talking about it to mymother once.
(16:43):
She said you know you have a gophrase and I said what do you
mean?
I got a go phrase.
She said you got a go phrase.
She said you know what?
And I said you know what.
You know what.
She said if you ever hearyourself saying you know what,
call me, beg off and call me me.
(17:07):
And confused a lot of people fora lot of years, because
sometimes I would be in themiddle of a.
I think I have something wrongwith my eye shadow.
I am the worst.
I am a court low on estrogen.
I swear I have no feminineabilities whatsoever.
Just, I mean I can have kids,but that's about it.
Look at that.
But anyhow, anyhow, um, whatwas I talking about?
(17:30):
Oh, the snap the trigger and itwould weird people out because
I off, I gotta go, I'm out, hangon bye, whatever, because I
(17:52):
knew I was about to act a fooland I had to go by.
I had to go call my mother,talk to her about the
circumstance and then after awhile I could stop, do the pause
after I heard my go phrase.
And then I learned just to saysomething like I'm upset, I want
to talk right now.
(18:12):
And then over the years I gotbetter and better and better.
I can hear the go phrase now,adjust my attitude in real time,
because I know when I go phrasemeans you're about to get
excited about something.
The first thing I need to dowhen I hear that go phrase is
say something nice to the personthat I'm dealing with.
(18:33):
I don't care Not to make themhappy, not to make them okay,
but to adjust me, to see them ashuman and multifaceted and not
just the person that was causingme inconvenience, trouble,
trauma or anything like that inthe moment.
And that's how you change, howyou feel.
(18:56):
You watch yourself, youcritique yourself and then you
put procedures in place for whenyour emotionality might get in
front of you and get you to dosomething you're not supposed to
.
What is this dark stuff on myeyes?
(19:17):
Anyway, given that emotions arethe Colorado River of the mind.
You know just, I alwaysrecommend debriefing.
At the end of the day, how doyou feel?
(19:39):
Who made you feel that way?
And, before you add it, beforeyou allow it, to tell you how to
feel about a certain certainlike if you never run into
anybody blonde before I'm justmaking this up and your first
interaction with this blondeperson is just awful, you got to
(20:01):
go home and say I met oneblonde person I don't know all
blonde people and I have towithhold judgment specifically
next time I run into a blonde,because I had a negative
experience with this one and thething that you don't want to do
is allow any individual foldand there are many out there of
(20:26):
all hues, genders, sizes,cultures, nationalities.
I think it was.
What was it?
Was it Les Brown that saideverybody, all cultures, have a
liberal springing of fools?
Well, it's true.
So what do we look like lettingone fool define a whole
(20:48):
category of people for you?
What do we look like allowingone incident to define how you
feel about anything involved inthat incident?
What do we look like when weare hooping and hollering every
day about not much of anythingand then we took at our children
(21:14):
and wondered why little Johnnyis hooping and hollering too.
You know, I think emotions areso important, and it's not just
because you have the right tofeel the way you do.
You do.
You have the right to feel theway you do, but you can also
feel in a manner that allows youto conduct your business, in a
(21:37):
way that makes it easier, morepleasant, less stressful.
You know politicians that useemotion all the time.
They gin up fear of somethingor somebody that's unlike them,
and then they say they're goingto solve that problem for you
and therefore, so they scare you, so you'll vote for them.
(22:03):
Yeah, lbj said something likeyou know, if I, you know, I can
pick his pocket.
I can pick a white man's pocketas long as I keep pointing at
the black man and saying he'sbetter than him.
And he says you know, it's justa matter of using differences
and fears.
(22:23):
You know fears.
The only thing you have to fearis fear yourself.
You better believe it.
But anyhow, I'm not talkingabout that.
I'm talking about the abilityto modify how you feel, and the
ability to modify how you feelis in understanding how you feel
and understanding your baseemotionality and also understand
(22:47):
what the Colorado River hasdone to your brain.
The Colorado River of whateverhistory, trauma, happy, lovely.
I remember one time, twice onthe bench, I caught the colorado
river rolling through my headone time.
(23:09):
This guy came forward and Ijust didn't like him.
Didn't like him and I keptthinking to myself what is?
Because I have a second set ofeyes, and I'm gonna tell you
about that second set of eyes onanother day.
But a second set of eyes wassomething that my mother made me
create in order to always havevision about my emotionality.
(23:32):
So I said, why don't I likethis guy?
And so I just and I made extrasure that I I was extra fair, I
did it all that.
And then I thought about itlater.
He looked just like thisindividual I dated once in
college that I cannot stand andI can't even believe.
(23:54):
Well, anyway, in college, thatI cannot stand and I can't even
believe, well, anyway.
And that was it.
And then there was another timeon the bench, a Muslim guy came
up and said to me not guilty,because I obey the laws of Allah
, not the laws of man.
And that went right up my backand I was like what?
Because I've had a lot ofChristians come in and say the
(24:17):
same thing.
You know well, you can't judgeme because God judged me and I
never get excited about it.
I always smile and I say, yeah,but we kind of got to live here
together and you know, if youlook in the Bible, there's some
rules about.
You know how you get along andwithin the context of a
community you're a blue one.
That's not why you're here.
(24:39):
But it is not inconsistent withthe Bible is what I was trying
to say.
But this guy came and I wasreally angry with him and I
thought about it and I did thesame thing.
I made extra sure that I wasfair, that I did everything just
the way I did it for everybodyelse.
(24:59):
And then I got home and Ithought about it, because you
can't have a thought, a feelingand just let it happen and let
it go by.
There's a reason that you feltthat way and you will feel that
way when the the same, when thesame impetus arises again and
you can't allow yourself not tolearn.
(25:19):
So I went home and I thoughtabout it and then, as it was two
things I had not been marriedvery long and my husband had
four sons with his first wifeand his oldest had become Muslim
and he used to write notes.
When I had the like I'm writingout my grocery list and I'll put
(25:40):
porkchops on there, he says nopork should hit your fork.
I mean, he was just real, youknow 17.
He was being 17 about it and Ithought, well, that's a dumb
reason not to like somebodyassociated with Islam.
And then I called my sister Ihave a horrible memory and
talked, called my sister.
I have a horrible memory and Icalled my sister and, and then I
remembered it, the first Muslimthat I ran into was a guy that
(26:05):
married a friend of my sister'sand he was not a good person.
And it's not that he wasn't abad person because he was Muslim
, he was a bad person because hewas a bad person.
And I know he was a bad personbecause when he was
administering discipline to her,he killed her, beat her to
(26:25):
death and left her on thekitchen floor with her four
preschool-age children and ran.
And you know, can you imaginethe oldest like five mommy get
up, mommy get up, and mommyain't gonna get up because she
got disciplined to death.
That was my entry to Islam andit was not what it was.
(26:51):
So I went and studied a littlebit about the religion and did
all that because I don't havethe right to coddle my
prejudices, I don't have a rightnot to know what they are.
I don't have the right not tofight all the prejudices I have
and the fact that you knowjudges have biases just like
(27:15):
everybody else, and to theextent that we don't, you know,
I mean you have to mind yourmind.
You know you got to get inthere, you got to look and you
won't know what to look at orlook for until you have your
second set of eyes.
And that's the next thing I'mgoing to talk about is your
(27:37):
second set of eyes.
But before I do that, I alwayspromise that I'm going to answer
at least one question on mypodcast.
So I have one, and here we go.
This is from a woman and I'manswering this question because
she's after my own heart.
She is my husband and herhusband is me.
(28:00):
Basically, she says one of ourbiggest realizations is that we
might not be entirely compatible.
Last December, an argumentescalated to the point where he
packed his bags and said he wasleaving.
He was upset that I wasn'toverly emotional about something
, although I did calmly ask himto stay.
He left, came back and took twodays of talking for us to get
back on track.
(28:20):
He is a worrier I'm not aworrier and he doesn't think
that, basically, that she takeshim seriously because she
doesn't worry the way he does.
I'm answering this questionbecause I noticed one from what
I lived.
My husband used to feel the sameway about me.
(28:41):
I was convinced that each andevery day, the world was going
to end necessarily, and I wouldgo in there and try to convince
my husband that, yes, in factthe world is ending and it's
going to end today, and there'snothing he can do about it.
But I wanted him to worry aboutit with me.
I wore him out, I wore myselfout and we used to fight about
(29:04):
it until we realized that wewere on the same side and the
worry was the problem.
So what we did was one wediscussed it and we discussed it
.
So I knew that he wasn'tdisregarding my angst, but that
he didn't share it and that itwas good that he didn't share it
(29:25):
.
That was an adjustment that Ihad to make.
I knew that I was the anxiousone and I knew that I had to
make that adjustment.
And then we would talk about itand we would talk about things
that he could do to make me feelsafer.
And then it was all aboutmaking me feel safe, not about
(29:55):
him being equally upset.
You have to enjoy thedifferences, not be annoyed by
the differences.
So you to sit on one side ofthe table and say his worry is
over here.
What are the things that we'regonna do, do about it?
Is it a money thing?
Can we do something about that?
(30:17):
You know, help him with hisworry.
Just don't get excited when youdo it and you got to listen a
little.
I know we're a pain in thebehind, but we got to listen a
little Just let us get it outand then, once it's out there,
you and him on his side, worryon that side 's.
(30:40):
That's that's what I got foryou on that one.
It's a matter of perspective.
It's a matter about feelingabout appropriately, about the
problem.
The problem wasn't him, theproblem isn't you, the problem
is the worry and that's whatshould take you on.
So thank you for coming along.
I hope you, uh, do feel onpurpose all day long, because
(31:03):
remember, under your skin issovereign country, so you
shouldn't be passing outpassports all willy-nilly to
people who do not belong there.
You need to defend youremotional borders so you can
always feel on purpose.
Don't let anybody back theremess with you.
I don't like it.
You shouldn't either.
See you next time.
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