January 10, 2024 • 41 mins
On this episode, I am joined by Elsa Borsa. She is a trauma-informed life coach who aims to help women create stronger relationships, healthier minds, and belief in themselves. We discuss Elsa's journey with postpartum depression and how she became a life coach. We discuss the differences between a life coach and a therapist.
Elsa Borsa
Elsa | B.Comm, CCP, Pre-Social Work (@elsaborsa) • Instagram photos and videos
Ashley (@filledupcup_) • Instagram photos and videos
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to the Filled Up Cuppodcast.
We are a different kind of selfcare resource, one that has
nothing to do with bubble bathsand face masks, and everything
to do with rediscoveringyourself.
We bring you real reviews,honest experiences, and
unfiltered opinions that willmake you laugh, cry, and most
(00:21):
importantly, leave you with afilled up cup.
Ashley (00:31):
I am so excited.
Today I have Elsa Borsa joiningme.
Elsa is a trauma informed lifecoach.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Elsa (00:38):
Thanks for having me.
I sure appreciate it.
Ashley (00:41):
Can you let me know a little bit about your background
and what made you want to gointo this field?
Elsa (00:47):
Sure.
I guess I have been a life coachsince 2016, and my journey
really started with I guess as aresult of my own mental health
battles, really, and that wasclosely tied to getting married
and having three kids, you know,two years apart each, and really
hitting a point where I was notthriving in any sense of the
(01:10):
word, I was It's battlingpostpartum depression in a big
way and.
Even when I reached out and Istarted, accessing help for
myself, got on meds, eventuallyI recognized that some of like
the super crazy thoughts andthings that I'd been having that
(01:30):
were associated with mypostpartum depression and my
anxiety were gone.
For the large part, but that Istill wasn't necessarily
thriving.
I could somehow kind of stillnotice that I had thoughts about
myself and my value and what Ishould be doing and what I
shouldn't be doing that maybeweren't super helpful to myself.
(01:52):
So it was really that kind ofintrospection that led me to
finding.
A life coach who I didn'tactually even know was a life
coach.
I just knew that I felt like shecould help me and so through
that experience, I wanted tostart a nonprofit is what ended
up from that.
I wanted to start a nonprofitwith the view of helping women
access mental health services.
I'm not sure what it's likewhere you live, but where I
(02:14):
live, we do have a lot ofservices available, but a lot of
people don't know what'savailable or how to access them.
So they don't know if you need areferral or if you can self
refer if you can just phone abook an appointment or, what the
differences between like apsychologist and a counselor and
and all those things.
So that's.
Kind of where I was at when Ifinished working with my own
(02:35):
coach and before I got a chanceto do that I decided just on a
whim to take a life coachingcourse because I thought it
might be interesting And then Iat the end of it.
I was like, oh, I know now I wascalled to do this or why I felt
like I wanted to do this becauseThis just fits with everything I
want to do and and who I am sothat's How I ended up becoming a
(02:59):
life coach and ever since Istarted, it has been a constant
learning journey.
So I have grown a lot since Istarted both as I guess, as an
entrepreneur and as a person mykids are now 9, 12 and 14.
Things have changed a lot.
(03:20):
I feel like I've always had athirst for knowledge.
I've always had the desire tounderstand, like, why we do the
things we do and how the thingsthat we've experienced affect
us.
So that's how I have ended updoing.
Other different trainings, Iguess, in the past number of
years with one of those beinggetting certified as a trauma
informed entrepreneur
Ashley (03:40):
it's really awesome that when you were struggling
yourself that you knew.
Or felt comfortable at least toreach out.
I feel like that's a big hurdlethat a lot of people have to
deal with where like you said,they don't always know, is it as
easy as calling my doctor or howdo I reach out to this?
And then it's like, when you'realready in a place where you
don't feel good, both physicallyand mentally, and you feel so
(04:03):
burned out sometimes as simpleas like making that phone call
can be such a huge task and canbe so overwhelming.
It's so brave.
For people to be able to do thatand recognize that they need
that help.
So it's amazing that you were inthat situation and then did
that.
I think the more that we sharethe information and the more
that we have conversations aboutthis, people can feel, like it's
(04:26):
easier to access servicesbecause I feel like we all Don't
want to feel dumb, or we don'twant to, look silly to other
people.
So if I call and I ask you aquestion, even if it's the most
basic question, and I would haveno idea what the answer is,
there is still that fear oflike, but I bet it's only me
that doesn't know, or I bet it'sonly me that feels this way.
So I feel like the more that wecan share about life coaches and
(04:50):
counselors and psychologists andjust mental health in general,
the better it is for everybody.
Elsa (04:56):
I agree, and I think something that I wanted to just
point to is that when I reachedout for help, it wasn't
necessarily my own idea prior tohaving the conversation I
actually didn't know that I wasstruggling to the level that I
(05:16):
was struggling, which when Ilook back now, I think, how did
I not know, but I had just hadmy.
Second child, he was a baby andI remember my friend who lived
away from me coming to visit andme just being like, Oh yeah.
And it's just, you know, I'vejust really found that I've been
(05:36):
having lots of these momentswhere I'm just filled with like
such joy and I'm just sograteful for everything.
And then like in the very sameinstance, I'm just absolutely
paralyzed with fear andterrified that.
This is going to get taken awayfrom me and I remember my friend
just kind of smiling and lookingat me and just being like, I
(05:57):
don't know if that's reallynormal, Elsa.
And I remember thinking like,Hmm, I've been wondering that
myself, but I didn't really sayanything.
And I mean, the reality of itwas, is at that time it was a
lot more serious than that.
I was standing in the shower.
Crying every day for no reason.
I was terrified.
I was just absolutely terrifiedof everything.
(06:17):
And so that really just kind ofstuck with me.
And she's never been through anexperience like that.
I know other people who have orwho had at that point, but it
was really that conversationthat made me be like, maybe
something's off.
That led to me talking to mypublic health nurse.
When I took my baby in for hisimmunizations, you know, they
always do the well checkquestions and how are you doing
(06:40):
and oh, good, good, good.
You know, I'm good.
But I think I might be maybelike worrying a lot and so she
referred me to my nursepractitioner who then actually
referred me to an online programthrough the University of Regina
that Was actually quite focusedtowards maternal mental health.
And so I ended up doing therapythrough that.
(07:02):
It was online CBT and then alsolike close communication with my
nurse practitioner, eventuallygetting on meds for a little
while.
But I think it's important toknow that, especially if you are
somebody who's currently in thisposition of wondering.
Feeling like you don't maybereally know if what you're going
through is quote unquote normalor not normal, right?
(07:23):
Like, we all struggle, but atwhat point does it become
something that's concerning,right?
And, the only way we really, Ifeel like, can judge that is by
having conversations withpeople, I wasn't one who was.
It's really used to opening upabout my mental health.
It wasn't, I mean, I was like, Idon't even know, I was like 25
(07:46):
or 26 or something.
I had never struggled like thatbefore looking back.
Yes, I had.
I thought it was new.
Right.
I was having a hard time judgingwhether what I was going through
was like what it was.
Ashley (07:58):
I think a lot of the times we do assume, okay, this
is normal and everybody feelsthis way.
There shouldn't be shame withsharing like, Hey, when you were
pregnant or when you werepostpartum, is this how you
felt?
And having those conversationswith people or reaching out to
professionals to know that it'sokay.
And to, again, when you're inthe thick of it, you can't
(08:19):
necessarily assess yourself ofbeing like, this is totally
normal or I got this.
Sometimes it really is beingbrave enough to reach out to
other people and sort of havethat temperature gauge in a way.
Elsa (08:30):
Yeah, I think we know ourselves best, but exactly like
you said, when you're in thethick of it, your version of
reality is very skewed, right?
When you're in the middle of amental health crisis, you really
don't have the objectivitybecause you're so stuck in where
you're at and so stuck in, yourbrain and your thoughts and, the
physiological response thatyou're having to the stress and
(08:55):
the depression and all thosethings.
So I do really, really, reallybelieve that connection is
important and creating spacesfor ourselves where we feel safe
while we're well is soimportant, you know, like I know
that I had a public health nursewho was kind and loving who I
(09:16):
didn't feel would judge me whoalso I considered to be.
A friend, and a bit of a mentorand so I felt comfortable enough
with her that I could saysomething like that and, that
she could help me.
Whereas, it's a lot harder ifyou don't have.
Places like that or spaces likethat, where you feel safe to say
(09:39):
the things that, you're maybescared to say to anybody else,
which is why I'm so passionateabout doing what I do, because
that is my aim.
And what I feel like I do for myclients is really create and
hold that space for all thethoughts and feelings that they
maybe can't say anywhere else orhave anyone else that they can
(10:00):
trust to hold that for them.
So, yeah, connection is really,really important.
Ashley (10:07):
Can you tell us a little bit about what a life coach does
and what kind of services thatyou offer?
Elsa (10:16):
Life coaching is a very broad field.
There's a myriad ofspecializations that one can
pick when you are a life coach,essentially, at the very core of
it, a life coach is somebody whoyou can talk to who will help
you understand who you are, yourvalues, your desires, and help
you make decisions that are moreclosely aligned to your goals.
(10:39):
What you really want right towhat's most important to you to
who you are as a person, theyhelp you overcome hurdles, I
guess, get out of your own way,you know, when we're our own
worst enemies.
Sometimes a life coach canreally help you move past some
of those hurdles.
For myself, I consider myself tobe a very holistic life coach.
(10:59):
So when we work together, we'renot necessarily going to just
make a list of goals and what'spreventing you from keeping
those goals and then make newsmart goals and you know, it's a
much more organic process andwhat I really desire when I work
with clients is for them toreally learn to know themselves.
(11:21):
On an intimate basis.
Right.
I want them to be able to stepaway from the expectations they
feel from the world and from allthe roles they're in and really
dig deep to start to understandwho they really are inside, what
they really actually want, andthen how to make those things
more accessible for themselves.
So we talk about boundaries.
(11:41):
We talk about personal value.
We have a lot of talk aboutrelationships, communication.
A lot of the talk, the work wedo is around.
Thought patterns, the self talkwe have going on while we're
making decisions or while we'regoing about our days and whether
that's helpful to us or harmfulto us, and whether it's really
supporting us in having the lifethat we want.
(12:04):
So that's kind of like the longdrawn out version, but I feel
like it's not really somethingyou can encapsulate in a tidy
little sentence.
Ashley (12:11):
What are things that life coaches can't help you
with?
Elsa (12:14):
I can't think of anything like specific off the top of my
head, but basically I am not apsychologist.
I am not a therapist.
And so if I feel that there arethings that are out of my scope
I will always.
Always refer you on.
I cannot diagnose you withanything, we can talk about
things, I'm trauma informed, soI can kind of, you know, I
(12:37):
understand that the majority ofpeople have gone through some
sort of trauma, and Iunderstand, kind of like how
that exists in our bodies andhow our nervous system is so
connected to every single thingwe do, right?
But I can never say, okay, like,I can never diagnose trauma,
right?
I don't like if you're dealingwith a medical condition, I'm
(12:57):
not going to give you advice ona medical condition, right?
That's for your doctor.
And I guess in general, lifecoaches are not supposed to give
advice.
mY business card say life coachand mentor because I do have
clients who come to me foradvice specifically say with
regards to a business or thingslike that.
But in general, my job as acoach is not to tell you what to
(13:19):
do.
My job as a coach is to ask youquestions and help you figure
out what's going on and help youreally access.
I think the things you alreadyknow and maybe see things in a
different way so that you candecide what you want to do with
that.
Ashley (13:34):
I'm just kind of like giving the confidence because I
think a lot of the time.
Oh, huge.
Yeah, we need somebody else toalmost just like be like, yes,
you're right.
Or that is a great thought andhave that reassurance almost to
me.
Yeah.
Elsa (13:47):
And exactly.
Yes, it's okay to want that.
And yes, it's okay that you feelmad about that.
But like, what are we going todo about it?
There are so many complexitiesand, for myself, I really love
love love being able to get intolike the messy middle with my
clients right into like thenitty gritty crap, whether it's
(14:07):
day to day stuff or it's likebig existential stuff because
you do like we're not, there's apoint where.
And actually, I say there's apoint, but actually I really
feel like we're socialized mostof our lives, especially during
childhood to not trust ourselvesto give more priority to what
(14:28):
other people expect of us thanwhat we want.
So we get into marriages and wehave families and then we're
these, grownups that.
Are living our lives accordingto all these expectations and
we're burning out and we'remiserable and we're resentful
(14:49):
and we're grouchy and we'recrying in our cars I remember
when I first started talking tomy nurse practitioner about my
mental health stuff, she waslike, you know, do something for
you.
And at that point.
I didn't even know what Ienjoyed anymore, right?
I couldn't even think of onething that I could do for myself
just because I enjoyed it.
Ashley (15:10):
Which I think is unfortunately so common that
it's like After childhood, we'renot taught to wonder about
things or search for things orit always kind of makes me laugh
as a grown up when people ask mewhat my hobbies are.
It's like a grocery shop and Iwatch Netflix and I go to sleep
like those are what I do.
The idea of having like a hobbyor something that you enjoy
(15:33):
doing.
It's just something that seemsso foreign but it's like we need
to.
Be searching for that child,like wonder what kind of stuff
do we like, am I doing itbecause I've done it all along
and it's become a habit now, oris there something where at the
end of the day, you're actuallylike, oh, I'm so excited for
this or the end of the week,maybe you're somebody who plays
(15:54):
baseball with your friends or Idon't know, likes trivia nights
or whatever it is, but just findsomething
Elsa (15:59):
like I, I dunno, because yeah, I read books and drink
coffee.
Those are my hobbies.
Ashley (16:04):
But still, it's like being so excited to pick up that
next book or to like, yes, seewhat the ending is.
Just something, but findingthose things I think is
something that's missing for alot of grownups that we just
don't have that.
And I don't know where along theway we would've lost it.
But that piece really is missingof like actually figuring out
what do I like?
Elsa (16:26):
Yeah.
I have lots of theories aboutwhere it starts, but it's
important to maintain thatcuriosity.
When I started my coachingbusiness is really what, and I
guess just before that, I guessit was more so when I was still
kind of working with my coachand I was starting to realize
that all of these decisions I'dbeen making were based on.
Somebody else's voice in myhead, right?
(16:48):
And it was like, these thingsaren't actually that important
to me.
I'm so stressed out that myhouse isn't immaculate and, I
don't look a certain way and Idon't behave a certain way and
all these things, but it'sactually really not that
important to me.
Like, I'd far rather go on anadventure with my family than
stay home and clean my house,right?
(17:08):
It really was.
Like a revelation for me.
It was an epiphany thinking Igotta stop worrying about this
stuff.
It's just not important to me.
It actually doesn't have to beimportant to me because it's
important to someone else.
Ashley (17:22):
We get caught, I think, in the highlight reel of like,
You know, somebody has a quoteunquote, clean house on social
media.
So then therefore I should beable to have a clean house.
But I think what a lot of peopleforget is that behind, that box
that you're seeing, there couldbe a pile of laundry.
There could be a kid having atemper tantrum in the corner.
Like we're really seeing onepart of it that we shouldn't
(17:44):
should ourselves basically thatit's like, like what you said,
it's whatever we want.
If I don't care that my houselooks lived in, then it really
shouldn't matter to somebodyelse because it's like we don't
need to care about what otherpeople are doing as much as I
feel like we try to care.
Elsa (18:01):
Yeah, I definitely agree.
I have ADHD.
I have an adult diagnosis.
And one of the biggest thingsthat led to that, I mean, there
was a huge list that led me toseeking an assessment.
But, I've had so many instanceswhere, especially since
diagnosis, where I'm like, Ihave to stop punishing myself
for my inability to keep things,perfect, because it's just,
(18:26):
like, never gonna happen for me.
I would far rather fall into arabbit hole of learning about
something fascinating than Iwould about making sure
everything's perfect all thetime.
Like, that's just the way I'mmade.
And that doesn't mean that I'malways, super, okay with that.
I still battle that.
But we have to be compassionateto ourselves, right?
I kind of feel like I stand on asoapbox a little bit, but what
(18:49):
are the most important things,right?
You know, we have conversationswith clients and they're
frustrated about this andfrustrated with that.
To me, the best way to get backto the core of everything and to
figure it all out is what ismost important, like, is.
Having a peaceful relationshipwith your husband more
important, or is the towel beingperfectly folded in the bathroom
(19:12):
every time you walk in theremore important?
What's more important right now?
You know, like, it's okay tofeel like.
Crouchy that nobody folds thetowel, but you, you know, I feel
like most of us can relate tothat or something like that.
But at the end of the day, areyou going to let that become so
important to you that you'llsacrifice your relationship
(19:35):
because of it?
So what's most important when Ithink about like, things that
happen in the evening.
This is, a choice I made a longtime ago.
Things are going on in theevening.
There's always something you canbe doing in the evening as a
woman, as a mom.
There's always like a class youcould be doing or, like a club
you could be part of or allthese things.
And long ago, I realized that Ireally just didn't love leaving
(19:56):
my family home in the evening.
And it's not because nobody elsecan put my kids to bed because
to be very fair, like, I don'teven love putting my kids to
bed.
I'm kind of a grouchy bedtimemom.
But.
It was more stressful for me tobe gone than it was to be home,
so a long time ago I just gavemyself permission to have a
boundary that was like, I justdon't do evening things.
(20:18):
It's the odd time now, I will,but my kids are older, right?
It's different.
I'm just okay with that for me,right?
I no longer feel like I have to,feel guilty for saying no to
things like that because I justdon't do things in the evening.
Ashley (20:31):
We.
Are so harsh for ourselves thatit's like I would never judge
somebody else or speak tosomebody else or criticize
somebody else about, the towelor you know how you'll see the
memes and it'll be likesomebody's coming over.
And so the mom is polishing thebaseboards like I would never
walk into somebody's house andbe like, have you seen this
(20:52):
lady's baseboard so if wewouldn't talk to somebody else
that way, like, why are we doingthat to ourselves?
So I think it really is justtreating ourselves with that
kindness and letting ourselvesoff the hook.
It's okay to just want to likechill out with your family at
the end of the night and nothave to feel like you, I don't
know, are on the PAC and are onclubs and running around crazy
(21:14):
when it's like, In 10 years,what are you going to look back
on?
Remember, oh, I had awesometimes with my kids while they
were still really cute and sweetand like, hadn't hit those
teenage years where they don'twant to see me anyways.
Or it's like, am I going to belike, and I have all of these
activities like it just, I lovewhat you're saying that it is
really what really matters whathill are you going to die on
(21:36):
that has to be like the biggestthing.
Elsa (21:39):
And I think it's a fine balance between.
Like, figuring out how to haveour needs met and having
boundaries, because there was atime where I was part of a
community group, a service groupand.
I needed that because I didn'tknow a lot of people where I
lived.
I had a really small friendshipgroup, which is fine.
(22:02):
It was really, really good forme, meeting people and making
new connections and being partof something.
I was actually thinking theother day, like, I've been kind
of an activist since I was akid, right?
Service is important to me.
Doing good is important to meand I feel like it's something
we all have an obligation tojust by virtue of living on this
(22:24):
earth and it was so good for me,but it, got to a point where it
was adding, I had to let go ofthings, right?
I was in a different mentalhealth crisis, different kid,
different mental health crisis,and I had to just clear my plate
because I was doing so manythings that were quote unquote
good for me.
That it was like sucking me dry,right?
I was training for the marathon,I was going to the gym, I was
(22:45):
volunteering, I was doing allthe things, and I had a six week
old baby, and a two year old,and a four year old, and was a
farm wife, and cooking for,right?
my plate was so full, and so atthat point, had to become really
discerning about what wasmeeting my needs, and what was
meeting my needs.
Adding to the stress what wasfueling the fire and what like
(23:08):
feeling the not good fire.
Right.
Ashley (23:11):
Especially to as we are in a new year, this idea of new
me new year and having to.
cHange up your personality andfind all of these new things
that you don't want to let itdrown that it really is finding
maybe in this season, maybe,joining the gym and being home
(23:31):
in the evenings is what worksfor me.
Maybe in next season, I could goto the gym and do activism
things and balance it all.
So I think it's also like yousaid, not taking on so much at
once.
Elsa (23:46):
We are very cyclical beings, right?
A lot of people I've talked toreally notice how kind of they
change with the seasons, right?
You know, fall starts coming andI know for me, August hits and I
want to, bake all the things,and I want to, do all the
canning and make jam and get towork.
Meal prep and do all the thingsright.
And winter comes and I just wantto like hunker down and spring
(24:06):
comes and I have so much energyand so we are, we're very
cyclical beings, right?
We exist in nature, essentially.
I have like all the thoughtsabout new year new me, but I
think it's very reallyunreasonable to expect ourselves
to be able to perform the sameand be the same 24 seven and to
want the same things all thetime.
(24:28):
Like two years ago, I trainedfor fem sport, which happens
every year in multiple places.
It's Canadian.
You've maybe heard of it, butit's kind of a cross between
like a strength competition andI don't even know how to
describe it.
Anyway, it's awesome.
I trained for it for like eightmonths and it was great.
And now I can't convince myselfto step in the gym, right?
(24:51):
And when I was doing that, Ididn't feel like I was forcing
myself.
I just wanted to now, what Iwant to do is a little bit
different.
And so it's not fair for me tobeat myself up because I'm not
able to stay in that like.
Go hard training mode all thetime, right?
I think that fits multipledifferent areas of our life.
I feel like instead of everyyear being like, okay, this is
(25:14):
the year that I'm going to belike, do all the things that
make me good enough.
Right.
Do all the things that make melike the way I should be, you
know, talk about like, notshooting ourselves.
The way I should be the way, youknow, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you
know, pack a lunch every day anddo this and do this and do this
and do this and do all thethings I'm going to make the
tick boxes and I'm gonna justpush through and no excuses,
(25:37):
which is one of my leastfavorite phrases of all time.
And it doesn't work becausegoals never work when we're
battling ourselves.
I'm probably the last person.
Anybody should ever talk toabout goals because I hate goals
and I've accomplished a lot ofdifferent things in my life and
I'm still pursuing things, butnone of those things have been a
(25:57):
result of goals written on apiece of paper.
I like to vision and I like todream and I like to, be curious
about things, but I really feellike.
You don't have to do new year,new you.
You need to do new year, sameyou, right?
Like, how about instead oftrying to be somebody different
all the time, you try to beyourself and try to embrace the
(26:18):
things that you want and justlet some pressure off yourself
and do things because they bringyou joy and then see what feels
important.
Ashley (26:29):
I like that too, because I feel like with the writing of
the goals it's like you'll dothat for two weeks and then all
of a sudden that list becomessomething you dread looking at,
that you toss it anyways andthen you feel a certain way
because all of a sudden yourmagic list didn't immediately
get accomplished.
And like you said, if you'resomebody who has maybe like ADHD
(26:50):
if you're neurodivergent, likethis idea of like task, task,
task, it's like you'll getexecutive dysfunction or you
will just decide that it'sthings that you don't want
anyway.
Elsa (27:00):
It's really boring.
Like smart goals are reallyboring.
Yeah.
Ashley (27:05):
That and what you said is so true.
And I had actually talked aboutthis a little bit with Julie
Peters about how we are cyclicaland every season.
Does bring us different thingsin different energies.
So it's really like looking intothat and what that actually
means for you and seeing whatworks best like the springtime.
Maybe that's when you decide youwant to try a fitness class or
(27:29):
you want to try movement becauseagain, the weather is better.
It's easier being outside.
Maybe it's easier to put yourkids if you have them in a
stroller and walk around versus.
January where it's cold, it'sdark, it really is maybe the
time where you do dream and say,what do I want for this year?
What excites me versus what do Ihave to do to become worthy
(27:53):
again this year?
Elsa (27:54):
Right.
I think there's something yousaid, I can't remember exactly
what it was, but it made methink who are we trying to be?
Like what is the picture of whowe're trying to be?
Like I don't want to say abetter version of ourselves, but
is it a version of ourselves?
Or are we fighting to besomebody completely different?
We can evolve and we can change,but it really doesn't work to be
(28:17):
constantly striving to besomebody that you're just not,
you know?
Ashley (28:23):
It's also the conversation of when you're in
the middle of struggling and ifyou are somebody where you're
like, I constantly need toreinvent myself, I need to be
better.
I need to be different.
Maybe those are the times wheremaybe I need to talk to a
professional about this becauseit is different if it's like, I
want to find something thatexcites me.
I want a new hobby or I want tovolunteer more or I want to
(28:46):
change.
Slightly where I want to pushmyself to grow and be more
involved in a different wayversus every year.
It's like, and we're going towipe the slate clean and
completely start from scratch.
Elsa (29:00):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think to me, when I'mmaking decisions and when I'm,
thinking about what I want todo, I used to make a lot of
decisions.
Based on essentially, I like, Icompare it kind of to like a
drug addiction now, it wasconstantly trying to keep that
(29:21):
like high that emotional high orthat that excitement, you know,
so it was like constantly tryingto keep that level of
stimulation up.
That very quickly resulted inburnout, right?
It was not sustainable.
But now when I'm makingdecisions, I think.
I have given myself permissionto not always make decisions
(29:42):
right now.
I'm a decisive person.
I've never had problems makingdecisions.
But now I give myself permissionto maybe not respond
immediately.
I give myself permission to justprocess it a little bit and
think about it.
And also, I often think about,okay, so.
When I'm thinking about doingsomething, or I'm feeling, you
know, maybe sad that I'm goingto be missing out on something,
(30:05):
or I want to say no, but I'mlike, but should I say no, you
know, or I want to say yes, Ithink, so what is it that I need
right now?
So when you go back to thatmovement conversation, for
example I, for the longest time,I hated the idea of, working
out, by myself in my basement,like, that was like hell right.
(30:26):
And so I'm like, okay, well, Iknow I want to prioritize
movement, but that's not workingfor me.
So what do I need?
Well, group classes, it turnsout, I'm pretty introverted, but
I really actually enjoy groupclasses.
I enjoy the camaraderie and theenergy of a group.
And so that really met a needfor me.
it helped give me that kind ofenergetic feedback that I needed
(30:49):
to feel excited about beingthere.
There's other times like say forright now.
I have a lot going on right now.
And so right now I'm like, youknow, I'm feeling kind of like,
I just want to do some workoutvideos in my living room, you
know, because right now what Ineed is for it to not be a
production to get somewhere.
(31:09):
To fit movement in, right?
I need it to be simple,something I can do when it
works, when it fits.
And so when we're makingdecisions, I really feel like
it's important for us toconstantly be taking stock of
what we need now, when I talkedearlier about, you know, when I
was part of a service group andI decided to quit, I was feeling
(31:30):
really sad about quitting.
And so I really had to thinkabout what I was most sad about.
And as I thought about it, itwas like, okay, well, the thing
that I'm most scared of missingout on.
Is the fun and the socializingbecause I'm like, not maybe by
nature, the most fun person Ilike to read books and drink
coffee.
I'm not like super out there.
(31:52):
So I was like, okay, well, I canstill let go of this obligation
and now that I know what it isthat I feel like I might be
missing when I let go of that, Ican now create opportunities to
have like fun and camaraderie inanother way.
I can now prioritize that inanother way, while also letting
go of something that I feel Ican't deal with the obligations
(32:15):
anymore, so really thinkingabout our needs in a different
way.
And taking the time to thinkabout our needs is, I feel so
important to help us movethrough life, making decisions
that are aligned with what wewant.
And how we want our life to beand how we want to feel in our
life, right?
Ashley (32:32):
I think a lot of the times we don't check in with
ourselves or we don't stop andthink it's almost this hustle
culture of like we need to sayyes in the moment we need to
make decisions in the momentthat it's like it's okay to
pause on it it's okay to thinkof the root cause or it's okay
to hire a coach to be able to gothrough all of this with you so
that you are making the choicesthat you want to make That are
(32:55):
benefiting you, not just beingon autopilot and being like,
yes, no, maybe I'm going to dothat without really knowing why
you're doing the things thatyou're doing.
Elsa (33:05):
Absolutely.
I've worked with a coach foryears.
My family has gone through somehuge transitions in the past
couple of years and workingthrough all the things, you
know, having a space to processthings and and talk about things
without you.
Having to hear somebody's wellintentioned but bad advice has
(33:27):
been so pivotal for me.
Right.
And I feel like that's why Ilove so much what I do, because
it can be that space where Ifeel like most people are not
equipped to listen objectivelyand ask the kinds of questions
we need to help us move throughthings on our own.
Most people, don't fully listenand then are full of advice and
(33:50):
advice is just really most oftenjust not that helpful.
Ashley (33:53):
Or coming from their perspective, not necessarily
specific to your situation.
Elsa (33:57):
Exactly.
Their perspective and theirlived experience and their
values, right?
The things that they think areimportant.
Whereas, you know, we're alldifferent.
Ashley (34:07):
What's something that somebody should ask a coach to
see whether they're the right orwrong fit for them?
Elsa (34:13):
I do think maybe having, some conversations around what
their coaching process lookslike is important.
Because.
The coaching field is notregulated.
It's not regulated like, youknow, psychologists or
counsellors.
It's a self regulated field.
And so, essentially, anybody canbe a coach.
(34:35):
I guess asking aboutcertification is important.
I feel like for myself, by thetime I'm working with somebody,
I've generally, connected withthem enough that by the time I'm
making a decision to work withthem, it's not a big decision
because I've already essentiallydecided that I want to work with
them.
For a lot of the people I workedwith, it's kind of the same,
right?
We've connected enough that thatthey feel comfortable.
(34:57):
So I think having a conversationand, what they feel their scope
is, that's something that Ialways make really clear in
either an intro session or adiscovery call or any kind of
inquiry is like scope ofpractice, the fact that there
are things if I feel likesomething is beyond my scope
that I will refer you on I feellike a lot of people don't
actually even know what a lifecoach does, so I think just not
(35:19):
being scared to ask questionsabout how the whole relationship
works.
Ashley (35:24):
Do you think for the every day person that there's
some myths that would preventthem from hiring a life coach.
I feel like if we see them onTV, it's always some super
famous person that's likeleaving a wellness spa almost,
and then hires a life coach.
Elsa (35:40):
Absolutely.
And I know, I can't speak towhat everybody else thinks right
now, but I know for years andyears, I really thought of a
life coach as somebody thatworked with famous people that
told you, how you should runyour life, right?
When.
In reality, it's not like thatat all.
I think the term coach issomething that's a bit confusing
(36:02):
to people too, because I know ifyou're in the coaching industry,
it's not confusing.
But I think for the averageperson you think of coaching,
you think of like your footballcoach or your baseball coach or
whatever, and those people arethere to tell you what to do.
They're there to tell you andyou listen to your coach.
Right.
Whereas.
Being in the coaching world,whether you're, you know, a
(36:22):
business coach or a life coach,or, I mean, there's a hundred
million different kinds ofcoaches, the idea is not to tell
people what to do, that isabsolutely what you do not want
to be doing, it is not my job totake my lived experience and my
values and use those to tell youwhat to do with your life.
(36:43):
Coaching is much more about likeI've said, it's about asking
questions, being curious,helping people come to their own
conclusions and see thingsdifferently and I guess see
themselves differently.
Ashley (36:57):
Yeah, because you couldn't be like, and I'm a life
reassure.
I'm a life guider.
There's not really a better,
Elsa (37:04):
there's all kinds of terms and I've called myself different
things over the years, but atthe end of the day, that's what
I am, right?
I'm certified as a coach.
I'm a life coach.
I'm not a business coach.
My client's talking aboutbusiness, but that's not
specifically what I do.
I'm here to help you with yourlife.
And even if we are talking aboutbusiness, we're talking about
(37:24):
you in your business and thethings that are affecting your
business or your relationshipwith your business or your
relationship with your family asa business owner.
There's lots of different thingswe can call ourselves, but.
At the end of the day, and Imean, there are mentors, right?
And a mentor is a bit different.
A mentor is where, you know,you're talking to somebody and
they're guiding you based ontheir experiences.
(37:47):
I do include that in my title,when people are looking for
something like that, as far as,like I said, it's generally
related to business, where theywant to have conversations
about, what I've done, that'sworked for me or if they want
like advice specifically.
Relating to certain things.
So there is a difference betweenthose two things.
(38:07):
And if that's what you'relooking for, you can find people
that will do that for you, orstrategist.
That's another one.
Strategist, they help you, like,figure things out.
They'll kind of like, tell youwhat to do.
If you're looking for somebodyto specifically tell you what to
do, those people are out there,but you also have to realize
that when you go to somebodylooking to tell you what to do.
That's also going to be based onwhat's worked for them.
(38:30):
And it doesn't always fit.
And that's okay.
But you have to recognize thatthen that doesn't mean there's
something wrong with you.
It's just maybe not a good fit.
Ashley (38:37):
When you work with clients, do you work with them
in person or online or both?
Elsa (38:42):
Both.
I do have clients that I meet inperson.
And I have clients that I meetvia Zoom.
Ashley (38:49):
Zoom really did have a glow up in the last couple of
years, in that sense.
Yeah, but it really created.
This environment where you wouldnever have a chance to meet
people otherwise, that I do likethe technology option for that.
Elsa (39:02):
Oh, absolutely.
I can't imagine being onlylimited to people that I could
see in person.
You know, like there issomething to be said for
personal connection, like for inperson, but I don't know.
Over the years, I feel like I'vecreated a lot of really cool
connections and relationshipswhere I have only ever met them
virtually.
Absolutely.
Ashley (39:23):
Same.
When you're working with people,do you work specifically with
women?
Is it both men and women?
And do you work with people oneon one or do you work with
couples or family?
Elsa (39:35):
tHat's a wonderful question.
So since I started my business,I have targeted working with
women.
That being said, I have workedwith men.
I'm not opposed to working withmen.
I'm Myers Briggs certified aswell.
So I have done some work withcouples with Myers Briggs.
Specifically, it's been likecouples that have businesses
that they operate together.
(39:55):
I'm open to working withcouples.
I am a little bit intimidated byworking with, say families, so
that's maybe not something thatwould be at the top of my list
right now but I would say themajority of the work I do is one
on one.
I do, occasionally do groupprograms.
Those are generally a virtualthing.
A lot of my content speaks towomen specifically, but I'm not
(40:19):
opposed to working with men.
Ashley (40:21):
If people were looking for you online to work with you,
where would they find you?
Elsa (40:26):
You can go to my website.
It is ElsaBorsa.
com, short and sweet.
I'm on Facebook and Instagram.
On Instagram, I'm just at ElsaBorsa and on Facebook, I'm at
Elsa Borsa coach.
Ashley (40:38):
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much forhaving this conversation with me
today.
Elsa (40:42):
Yes.
Thank you.
It's been fun.
Thank you so much for joining ustoday for this episode of the
filled up cup podcast.
Don't forget to hit subscribeand leave a review.
If you like what you hear, youcan also connect with us at
buildupcup.
com.
Thanks again for tuning in andwe'll catch you in the next
(41:05):
episode.
Welcome to the Filled Up Cuppodcast.
We are a different kind of selfcare resource, one that has
nothing to do with bubble bathsand face masks, and everything
to do with rediscoveringyourself.
We bring you real reviews,honest experiences, and
unfiltered opinions that willmake you laugh, cry, and most
(00:21):
importantly, leave you with afilled up cup.
Ashley (00:31):
I am so excited.
Today I have Elsa Borsa joiningme.
Elsa is a trauma informed lifecoach.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Elsa (00:38):
Thanks for having me.
I sure appreciate it.
Ashley (00:41):
Can you let me know a little bit about your background
and what made you want to gointo this field?
Elsa (00:47):
Sure.
I guess I have been a life coachsince 2016, and my journey
really started with I guess as aresult of my own mental health
battles, really, and that wasclosely tied to getting married
and having three kids, you know,two years apart each, and really
hitting a point where I was notthriving in any sense of the
(01:10):
word, I was It's battlingpostpartum depression in a big
way and.
Even when I reached out and Istarted, accessing help for
myself, got on meds, eventuallyI recognized that some of like
the super crazy thoughts andthings that I'd been having that
(01:30):
were associated with mypostpartum depression and my
anxiety were gone.
For the large part, but that Istill wasn't necessarily
thriving.
I could somehow kind of stillnotice that I had thoughts about
myself and my value and what Ishould be doing and what I
shouldn't be doing that maybeweren't super helpful to myself.
(01:52):
So it was really that kind ofintrospection that led me to
finding.
A life coach who I didn'tactually even know was a life
coach.
I just knew that I felt like shecould help me and so through
that experience, I wanted tostart a nonprofit is what ended
up from that.
I wanted to start a nonprofitwith the view of helping women
access mental health services.
I'm not sure what it's likewhere you live, but where I
(02:14):
live, we do have a lot ofservices available, but a lot of
people don't know what'savailable or how to access them.
So they don't know if you need areferral or if you can self
refer if you can just phone abook an appointment or, what the
differences between like apsychologist and a counselor and
and all those things.
So that's.
Kind of where I was at when Ifinished working with my own
(02:35):
coach and before I got a chanceto do that I decided just on a
whim to take a life coachingcourse because I thought it
might be interesting And then Iat the end of it.
I was like, oh, I know now I wascalled to do this or why I felt
like I wanted to do this becauseThis just fits with everything I
want to do and and who I am sothat's How I ended up becoming a
(02:59):
life coach and ever since Istarted, it has been a constant
learning journey.
So I have grown a lot since Istarted both as I guess, as an
entrepreneur and as a person mykids are now 9, 12 and 14.
Things have changed a lot.
(03:20):
I feel like I've always had athirst for knowledge.
I've always had the desire tounderstand, like, why we do the
things we do and how the thingsthat we've experienced affect
us.
So that's how I have ended updoing.
Other different trainings, Iguess, in the past number of
years with one of those beinggetting certified as a trauma
informed entrepreneur
Ashley (03:40):
it's really awesome that when you were struggling
yourself that you knew.
Or felt comfortable at least toreach out.
I feel like that's a big hurdlethat a lot of people have to
deal with where like you said,they don't always know, is it as
easy as calling my doctor or howdo I reach out to this?
And then it's like, when you'realready in a place where you
don't feel good, both physicallyand mentally, and you feel so
(04:03):
burned out sometimes as simpleas like making that phone call
can be such a huge task and canbe so overwhelming.
It's so brave.
For people to be able to do thatand recognize that they need
that help.
So it's amazing that you were inthat situation and then did
that.
I think the more that we sharethe information and the more
that we have conversations aboutthis, people can feel, like it's
(04:26):
easier to access servicesbecause I feel like we all Don't
want to feel dumb, or we don'twant to, look silly to other
people.
So if I call and I ask you aquestion, even if it's the most
basic question, and I would haveno idea what the answer is,
there is still that fear oflike, but I bet it's only me
that doesn't know, or I bet it'sonly me that feels this way.
So I feel like the more that wecan share about life coaches and
(04:50):
counselors and psychologists andjust mental health in general,
the better it is for everybody.
Elsa (04:56):
I agree, and I think something that I wanted to just
point to is that when I reachedout for help, it wasn't
necessarily my own idea prior tohaving the conversation I
actually didn't know that I wasstruggling to the level that I
(05:16):
was struggling, which when Ilook back now, I think, how did
I not know, but I had just hadmy.
Second child, he was a baby andI remember my friend who lived
away from me coming to visit andme just being like, Oh yeah.
And it's just, you know, I'vejust really found that I've been
(05:36):
having lots of these momentswhere I'm just filled with like
such joy and I'm just sograteful for everything.
And then like in the very sameinstance, I'm just absolutely
paralyzed with fear andterrified that.
This is going to get taken awayfrom me and I remember my friend
just kind of smiling and lookingat me and just being like, I
(05:57):
don't know if that's reallynormal, Elsa.
And I remember thinking like,Hmm, I've been wondering that
myself, but I didn't really sayanything.
And I mean, the reality of itwas, is at that time it was a
lot more serious than that.
I was standing in the shower.
Crying every day for no reason.
I was terrified.
I was just absolutely terrifiedof everything.
(06:17):
And so that really just kind ofstuck with me.
And she's never been through anexperience like that.
I know other people who have orwho had at that point, but it
was really that conversationthat made me be like, maybe
something's off.
That led to me talking to mypublic health nurse.
When I took my baby in for hisimmunizations, you know, they
always do the well checkquestions and how are you doing
(06:40):
and oh, good, good, good.
You know, I'm good.
But I think I might be maybelike worrying a lot and so she
referred me to my nursepractitioner who then actually
referred me to an online programthrough the University of Regina
that Was actually quite focusedtowards maternal mental health.
And so I ended up doing therapythrough that.
(07:02):
It was online CBT and then alsolike close communication with my
nurse practitioner, eventuallygetting on meds for a little
while.
But I think it's important toknow that, especially if you are
somebody who's currently in thisposition of wondering.
Feeling like you don't maybereally know if what you're going
through is quote unquote normalor not normal, right?
(07:23):
Like, we all struggle, but atwhat point does it become
something that's concerning,right?
And, the only way we really, Ifeel like, can judge that is by
having conversations withpeople, I wasn't one who was.
It's really used to opening upabout my mental health.
It wasn't, I mean, I was like, Idon't even know, I was like 25
(07:46):
or 26 or something.
I had never struggled like thatbefore looking back.
Yes, I had.
I thought it was new.
Right.
I was having a hard time judgingwhether what I was going through
was like what it was.
Ashley (07:58):
I think a lot of the times we do assume, okay, this
is normal and everybody feelsthis way.
There shouldn't be shame withsharing like, Hey, when you were
pregnant or when you werepostpartum, is this how you
felt?
And having those conversationswith people or reaching out to
professionals to know that it'sokay.
And to, again, when you're inthe thick of it, you can't
(08:19):
necessarily assess yourself ofbeing like, this is totally
normal or I got this.
Sometimes it really is beingbrave enough to reach out to
other people and sort of havethat temperature gauge in a way.
Elsa (08:30):
Yeah, I think we know ourselves best, but exactly like
you said, when you're in thethick of it, your version of
reality is very skewed, right?
When you're in the middle of amental health crisis, you really
don't have the objectivitybecause you're so stuck in where
you're at and so stuck in, yourbrain and your thoughts and, the
physiological response thatyou're having to the stress and
(08:55):
the depression and all thosethings.
So I do really, really, reallybelieve that connection is
important and creating spacesfor ourselves where we feel safe
while we're well is soimportant, you know, like I know
that I had a public health nursewho was kind and loving who I
(09:16):
didn't feel would judge me whoalso I considered to be.
A friend, and a bit of a mentorand so I felt comfortable enough
with her that I could saysomething like that and, that
she could help me.
Whereas, it's a lot harder ifyou don't have.
Places like that or spaces likethat, where you feel safe to say
(09:39):
the things that, you're maybescared to say to anybody else,
which is why I'm so passionateabout doing what I do, because
that is my aim.
And what I feel like I do for myclients is really create and
hold that space for all thethoughts and feelings that they
maybe can't say anywhere else orhave anyone else that they can
(10:00):
trust to hold that for them.
So, yeah, connection is really,really important.
Ashley (10:07):
Can you tell us a little bit about what a life coach does
and what kind of services thatyou offer?
Elsa (10:16):
Life coaching is a very broad field.
There's a myriad ofspecializations that one can
pick when you are a life coach,essentially, at the very core of
it, a life coach is somebody whoyou can talk to who will help
you understand who you are, yourvalues, your desires, and help
you make decisions that are moreclosely aligned to your goals.
(10:39):
What you really want right towhat's most important to you to
who you are as a person, theyhelp you overcome hurdles, I
guess, get out of your own way,you know, when we're our own
worst enemies.
Sometimes a life coach canreally help you move past some
of those hurdles.
For myself, I consider myself tobe a very holistic life coach.
(10:59):
So when we work together, we'renot necessarily going to just
make a list of goals and what'spreventing you from keeping
those goals and then make newsmart goals and you know, it's a
much more organic process andwhat I really desire when I work
with clients is for them toreally learn to know themselves.
(11:21):
On an intimate basis.
Right.
I want them to be able to stepaway from the expectations they
feel from the world and from allthe roles they're in and really
dig deep to start to understandwho they really are inside, what
they really actually want, andthen how to make those things
more accessible for themselves.
So we talk about boundaries.
(11:41):
We talk about personal value.
We have a lot of talk aboutrelationships, communication.
A lot of the talk, the work wedo is around.
Thought patterns, the self talkwe have going on while we're
making decisions or while we'regoing about our days and whether
that's helpful to us or harmfulto us, and whether it's really
supporting us in having the lifethat we want.
(12:04):
So that's kind of like the longdrawn out version, but I feel
like it's not really somethingyou can encapsulate in a tidy
little sentence.
Ashley (12:11):
What are things that life coaches can't help you
with?
Elsa (12:14):
I can't think of anything like specific off the top of my
head, but basically I am not apsychologist.
I am not a therapist.
And so if I feel that there arethings that are out of my scope
I will always.
Always refer you on.
I cannot diagnose you withanything, we can talk about
things, I'm trauma informed, soI can kind of, you know, I
(12:37):
understand that the majority ofpeople have gone through some
sort of trauma, and Iunderstand, kind of like how
that exists in our bodies andhow our nervous system is so
connected to every single thingwe do, right?
But I can never say, okay, like,I can never diagnose trauma,
right?
I don't like if you're dealingwith a medical condition, I'm
(12:57):
not going to give you advice ona medical condition, right?
That's for your doctor.
And I guess in general, lifecoaches are not supposed to give
advice.
mY business card say life coachand mentor because I do have
clients who come to me foradvice specifically say with
regards to a business or thingslike that.
But in general, my job as acoach is not to tell you what to
(13:19):
do.
My job as a coach is to ask youquestions and help you figure
out what's going on and help youreally access.
I think the things you alreadyknow and maybe see things in a
different way so that you candecide what you want to do with
that.
Ashley (13:34):
I'm just kind of like giving the confidence because I
think a lot of the time.
Oh, huge.
Yeah, we need somebody else toalmost just like be like, yes,
you're right.
Or that is a great thought andhave that reassurance almost to
me.
Yeah.
Elsa (13:47):
And exactly.
Yes, it's okay to want that.
And yes, it's okay that you feelmad about that.
But like, what are we going todo about it?
There are so many complexitiesand, for myself, I really love
love love being able to get intolike the messy middle with my
clients right into like thenitty gritty crap, whether it's
(14:07):
day to day stuff or it's likebig existential stuff because
you do like we're not, there's apoint where.
And actually, I say there's apoint, but actually I really
feel like we're socialized mostof our lives, especially during
childhood to not trust ourselvesto give more priority to what
(14:28):
other people expect of us thanwhat we want.
So we get into marriages and wehave families and then we're
these, grownups that.
Are living our lives accordingto all these expectations and
we're burning out and we'remiserable and we're resentful
(14:49):
and we're grouchy and we'recrying in our cars I remember
when I first started talking tomy nurse practitioner about my
mental health stuff, she waslike, you know, do something for
you.
And at that point.
I didn't even know what Ienjoyed anymore, right?
I couldn't even think of onething that I could do for myself
just because I enjoyed it.
Ashley (15:10):
Which I think is unfortunately so common that
it's like After childhood, we'renot taught to wonder about
things or search for things orit always kind of makes me laugh
as a grown up when people ask mewhat my hobbies are.
It's like a grocery shop and Iwatch Netflix and I go to sleep
like those are what I do.
The idea of having like a hobbyor something that you enjoy
(15:33):
doing.
It's just something that seemsso foreign but it's like we need
to.
Be searching for that child,like wonder what kind of stuff
do we like, am I doing itbecause I've done it all along
and it's become a habit now, oris there something where at the
end of the day, you're actuallylike, oh, I'm so excited for
this or the end of the week,maybe you're somebody who plays
(15:54):
baseball with your friends or Idon't know, likes trivia nights
or whatever it is, but just findsomething
Elsa (15:59):
like I, I dunno, because yeah, I read books and drink
coffee.
Those are my hobbies.
Ashley (16:04):
But still, it's like being so excited to pick up that
next book or to like, yes, seewhat the ending is.
Just something, but findingthose things I think is
something that's missing for alot of grownups that we just
don't have that.
And I don't know where along theway we would've lost it.
But that piece really is missingof like actually figuring out
what do I like?
Elsa (16:26):
Yeah.
I have lots of theories aboutwhere it starts, but it's
important to maintain thatcuriosity.
When I started my coachingbusiness is really what, and I
guess just before that, I guessit was more so when I was still
kind of working with my coachand I was starting to realize
that all of these decisions I'dbeen making were based on.
Somebody else's voice in myhead, right?
(16:48):
And it was like, these thingsaren't actually that important
to me.
I'm so stressed out that myhouse isn't immaculate and, I
don't look a certain way and Idon't behave a certain way and
all these things, but it'sactually really not that
important to me.
Like, I'd far rather go on anadventure with my family than
stay home and clean my house,right?
(17:08):
It really was.
Like a revelation for me.
It was an epiphany thinking Igotta stop worrying about this
stuff.
It's just not important to me.
It actually doesn't have to beimportant to me because it's
important to someone else.
Ashley (17:22):
We get caught, I think, in the highlight reel of like,
You know, somebody has a quoteunquote, clean house on social
media.
So then therefore I should beable to have a clean house.
But I think what a lot of peopleforget is that behind, that box
that you're seeing, there couldbe a pile of laundry.
There could be a kid having atemper tantrum in the corner.
Like we're really seeing onepart of it that we shouldn't
(17:44):
should ourselves basically thatit's like, like what you said,
it's whatever we want.
If I don't care that my houselooks lived in, then it really
shouldn't matter to somebodyelse because it's like we don't
need to care about what otherpeople are doing as much as I
feel like we try to care.
Elsa (18:01):
Yeah, I definitely agree.
I have ADHD.
I have an adult diagnosis.
And one of the biggest thingsthat led to that, I mean, there
was a huge list that led me toseeking an assessment.
But, I've had so many instanceswhere, especially since
diagnosis, where I'm like, Ihave to stop punishing myself
for my inability to keep things,perfect, because it's just,
(18:26):
like, never gonna happen for me.
I would far rather fall into arabbit hole of learning about
something fascinating than Iwould about making sure
everything's perfect all thetime.
Like, that's just the way I'mmade.
And that doesn't mean that I'malways, super, okay with that.
I still battle that.
But we have to be compassionateto ourselves, right?
I kind of feel like I stand on asoapbox a little bit, but what
(18:49):
are the most important things,right?
You know, we have conversationswith clients and they're
frustrated about this andfrustrated with that.
To me, the best way to get backto the core of everything and to
figure it all out is what ismost important, like, is.
Having a peaceful relationshipwith your husband more
important, or is the towel beingperfectly folded in the bathroom
(19:12):
every time you walk in theremore important?
What's more important right now?
You know, like, it's okay tofeel like.
Crouchy that nobody folds thetowel, but you, you know, I feel
like most of us can relate tothat or something like that.
But at the end of the day, areyou going to let that become so
important to you that you'llsacrifice your relationship
(19:35):
because of it?
So what's most important when Ithink about like, things that
happen in the evening.
This is, a choice I made a longtime ago.
Things are going on in theevening.
There's always something you canbe doing in the evening as a
woman, as a mom.
There's always like a class youcould be doing or, like a club
you could be part of or allthese things.
And long ago, I realized that Ireally just didn't love leaving
(19:56):
my family home in the evening.
And it's not because nobody elsecan put my kids to bed because
to be very fair, like, I don'teven love putting my kids to
bed.
I'm kind of a grouchy bedtimemom.
But.
It was more stressful for me tobe gone than it was to be home,
so a long time ago I just gavemyself permission to have a
boundary that was like, I justdon't do evening things.
(20:18):
It's the odd time now, I will,but my kids are older, right?
It's different.
I'm just okay with that for me,right?
I no longer feel like I have to,feel guilty for saying no to
things like that because I justdon't do things in the evening.
Ashley (20:31):
We.
Are so harsh for ourselves thatit's like I would never judge
somebody else or speak tosomebody else or criticize
somebody else about, the towelor you know how you'll see the
memes and it'll be likesomebody's coming over.
And so the mom is polishing thebaseboards like I would never
walk into somebody's house andbe like, have you seen this
(20:52):
lady's baseboard so if wewouldn't talk to somebody else
that way, like, why are we doingthat to ourselves?
So I think it really is justtreating ourselves with that
kindness and letting ourselvesoff the hook.
It's okay to just want to likechill out with your family at
the end of the night and nothave to feel like you, I don't
know, are on the PAC and are onclubs and running around crazy
(21:14):
when it's like, In 10 years,what are you going to look back
on?
Remember, oh, I had awesometimes with my kids while they
were still really cute and sweetand like, hadn't hit those
teenage years where they don'twant to see me anyways.
Or it's like, am I going to belike, and I have all of these
activities like it just, I lovewhat you're saying that it is
really what really matters whathill are you going to die on
(21:36):
that has to be like the biggestthing.
Elsa (21:39):
And I think it's a fine balance between.
Like, figuring out how to haveour needs met and having
boundaries, because there was atime where I was part of a
community group, a service groupand.
I needed that because I didn'tknow a lot of people where I
lived.
I had a really small friendshipgroup, which is fine.
(22:02):
It was really, really good forme, meeting people and making
new connections and being partof something.
I was actually thinking theother day, like, I've been kind
of an activist since I was akid, right?
Service is important to me.
Doing good is important to meand I feel like it's something
we all have an obligation tojust by virtue of living on this
(22:24):
earth and it was so good for me,but it, got to a point where it
was adding, I had to let go ofthings, right?
I was in a different mentalhealth crisis, different kid,
different mental health crisis,and I had to just clear my plate
because I was doing so manythings that were quote unquote
good for me.
That it was like sucking me dry,right?
I was training for the marathon,I was going to the gym, I was
(22:45):
volunteering, I was doing allthe things, and I had a six week
old baby, and a two year old,and a four year old, and was a
farm wife, and cooking for,right?
my plate was so full, and so atthat point, had to become really
discerning about what wasmeeting my needs, and what was
meeting my needs.
Adding to the stress what wasfueling the fire and what like
(23:08):
feeling the not good fire.
Right.
Ashley (23:11):
Especially to as we are in a new year, this idea of new
me new year and having to.
cHange up your personality andfind all of these new things
that you don't want to let itdrown that it really is finding
maybe in this season, maybe,joining the gym and being home
(23:31):
in the evenings is what worksfor me.
Maybe in next season, I could goto the gym and do activism
things and balance it all.
So I think it's also like yousaid, not taking on so much at
once.
Elsa (23:46):
We are very cyclical beings, right?
A lot of people I've talked toreally notice how kind of they
change with the seasons, right?
You know, fall starts coming andI know for me, August hits and I
want to, bake all the things,and I want to, do all the
canning and make jam and get towork.
Meal prep and do all the thingsright.
And winter comes and I just wantto like hunker down and spring
(24:06):
comes and I have so much energyand so we are, we're very
cyclical beings, right?
We exist in nature, essentially.
I have like all the thoughtsabout new year new me, but I
think it's very reallyunreasonable to expect ourselves
to be able to perform the sameand be the same 24 seven and to
want the same things all thetime.
(24:28):
Like two years ago, I trainedfor fem sport, which happens
every year in multiple places.
It's Canadian.
You've maybe heard of it, butit's kind of a cross between
like a strength competition andI don't even know how to
describe it.
Anyway, it's awesome.
I trained for it for like eightmonths and it was great.
And now I can't convince myselfto step in the gym, right?
(24:51):
And when I was doing that, Ididn't feel like I was forcing
myself.
I just wanted to now, what Iwant to do is a little bit
different.
And so it's not fair for me tobeat myself up because I'm not
able to stay in that like.
Go hard training mode all thetime, right?
I think that fits multipledifferent areas of our life.
I feel like instead of everyyear being like, okay, this is
(25:14):
the year that I'm going to belike, do all the things that
make me good enough.
Right.
Do all the things that make melike the way I should be, you
know, talk about like, notshooting ourselves.
The way I should be the way, youknow, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you
know, pack a lunch every day anddo this and do this and do this
and do this and do all thethings I'm going to make the
tick boxes and I'm gonna justpush through and no excuses,
(25:37):
which is one of my leastfavorite phrases of all time.
And it doesn't work becausegoals never work when we're
battling ourselves.
I'm probably the last person.
Anybody should ever talk toabout goals because I hate goals
and I've accomplished a lot ofdifferent things in my life and
I'm still pursuing things, butnone of those things have been a
(25:57):
result of goals written on apiece of paper.
I like to vision and I like todream and I like to, be curious
about things, but I really feellike.
You don't have to do new year,new you.
You need to do new year, sameyou, right?
Like, how about instead oftrying to be somebody different
all the time, you try to beyourself and try to embrace the
(26:18):
things that you want and justlet some pressure off yourself
and do things because they bringyou joy and then see what feels
important.
Ashley (26:29):
I like that too, because I feel like with the writing of
the goals it's like you'll dothat for two weeks and then all
of a sudden that list becomessomething you dread looking at,
that you toss it anyways andthen you feel a certain way
because all of a sudden yourmagic list didn't immediately
get accomplished.
And like you said, if you'resomebody who has maybe like ADHD
(26:50):
if you're neurodivergent, likethis idea of like task, task,
task, it's like you'll getexecutive dysfunction or you
will just decide that it'sthings that you don't want
anyway.
Elsa (27:00):
It's really boring.
Like smart goals are reallyboring.
Yeah.
Ashley (27:05):
That and what you said is so true.
And I had actually talked aboutthis a little bit with Julie
Peters about how we are cyclicaland every season.
Does bring us different thingsin different energies.
So it's really like looking intothat and what that actually
means for you and seeing whatworks best like the springtime.
Maybe that's when you decide youwant to try a fitness class or
(27:29):
you want to try movement becauseagain, the weather is better.
It's easier being outside.
Maybe it's easier to put yourkids if you have them in a
stroller and walk around versus.
January where it's cold, it'sdark, it really is maybe the
time where you do dream and say,what do I want for this year?
What excites me versus what do Ihave to do to become worthy
(27:53):
again this year?
Elsa (27:54):
Right.
I think there's something yousaid, I can't remember exactly
what it was, but it made methink who are we trying to be?
Like what is the picture of whowe're trying to be?
Like I don't want to say abetter version of ourselves, but
is it a version of ourselves?
Or are we fighting to besomebody completely different?
We can evolve and we can change,but it really doesn't work to be
(28:17):
constantly striving to besomebody that you're just not,
you know?
Ashley (28:23):
It's also the conversation of when you're in
the middle of struggling and ifyou are somebody where you're
like, I constantly need toreinvent myself, I need to be
better.
I need to be different.
Maybe those are the times wheremaybe I need to talk to a
professional about this becauseit is different if it's like, I
want to find something thatexcites me.
I want a new hobby or I want tovolunteer more or I want to
(28:46):
change.
Slightly where I want to pushmyself to grow and be more
involved in a different wayversus every year.
It's like, and we're going towipe the slate clean and
completely start from scratch.
Elsa (29:00):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think to me, when I'mmaking decisions and when I'm,
thinking about what I want todo, I used to make a lot of
decisions.
Based on essentially, I like, Icompare it kind of to like a
drug addiction now, it wasconstantly trying to keep that
(29:21):
like high that emotional high orthat that excitement, you know,
so it was like constantly tryingto keep that level of
stimulation up.
That very quickly resulted inburnout, right?
It was not sustainable.
But now when I'm makingdecisions, I think.
I have given myself permissionto not always make decisions
(29:42):
right now.
I'm a decisive person.
I've never had problems makingdecisions.
But now I give myself permissionto maybe not respond
immediately.
I give myself permission to justprocess it a little bit and
think about it.
And also, I often think about,okay, so.
When I'm thinking about doingsomething, or I'm feeling, you
know, maybe sad that I'm goingto be missing out on something,
(30:05):
or I want to say no, but I'mlike, but should I say no, you
know, or I want to say yes, Ithink, so what is it that I need
right now?
So when you go back to thatmovement conversation, for
example I, for the longest time,I hated the idea of, working
out, by myself in my basement,like, that was like hell right.
(30:26):
And so I'm like, okay, well, Iknow I want to prioritize
movement, but that's not workingfor me.
So what do I need?
Well, group classes, it turnsout, I'm pretty introverted, but
I really actually enjoy groupclasses.
I enjoy the camaraderie and theenergy of a group.
And so that really met a needfor me.
it helped give me that kind ofenergetic feedback that I needed
(30:49):
to feel excited about beingthere.
There's other times like say forright now.
I have a lot going on right now.
And so right now I'm like, youknow, I'm feeling kind of like,
I just want to do some workoutvideos in my living room, you
know, because right now what Ineed is for it to not be a
production to get somewhere.
(31:09):
To fit movement in, right?
I need it to be simple,something I can do when it
works, when it fits.
And so when we're makingdecisions, I really feel like
it's important for us toconstantly be taking stock of
what we need now, when I talkedearlier about, you know, when I
was part of a service group andI decided to quit, I was feeling
(31:30):
really sad about quitting.
And so I really had to thinkabout what I was most sad about.
And as I thought about it, itwas like, okay, well, the thing
that I'm most scared of missingout on.
Is the fun and the socializingbecause I'm like, not maybe by
nature, the most fun person Ilike to read books and drink
coffee.
I'm not like super out there.
(31:52):
So I was like, okay, well, I canstill let go of this obligation
and now that I know what it isthat I feel like I might be
missing when I let go of that, Ican now create opportunities to
have like fun and camaraderie inanother way.
I can now prioritize that inanother way, while also letting
go of something that I feel Ican't deal with the obligations
(32:15):
anymore, so really thinkingabout our needs in a different
way.
And taking the time to thinkabout our needs is, I feel so
important to help us movethrough life, making decisions
that are aligned with what wewant.
And how we want our life to beand how we want to feel in our
life, right?
Ashley (32:32):
I think a lot of the times we don't check in with
ourselves or we don't stop andthink it's almost this hustle
culture of like we need to sayyes in the moment we need to
make decisions in the momentthat it's like it's okay to
pause on it it's okay to thinkof the root cause or it's okay
to hire a coach to be able to gothrough all of this with you so
that you are making the choicesthat you want to make That are
(32:55):
benefiting you, not just beingon autopilot and being like,
yes, no, maybe I'm going to dothat without really knowing why
you're doing the things thatyou're doing.
Elsa (33:05):
Absolutely.
I've worked with a coach foryears.
My family has gone through somehuge transitions in the past
couple of years and workingthrough all the things, you
know, having a space to processthings and and talk about things
without you.
Having to hear somebody's wellintentioned but bad advice has
(33:27):
been so pivotal for me.
Right.
And I feel like that's why Ilove so much what I do, because
it can be that space where Ifeel like most people are not
equipped to listen objectivelyand ask the kinds of questions
we need to help us move throughthings on our own.
Most people, don't fully listenand then are full of advice and
(33:50):
advice is just really most oftenjust not that helpful.
Ashley (33:53):
Or coming from their perspective, not necessarily
specific to your situation.
Elsa (33:57):
Exactly.
Their perspective and theirlived experience and their
values, right?
The things that they think areimportant.
Whereas, you know, we're alldifferent.
Ashley (34:07):
What's something that somebody should ask a coach to
see whether they're the right orwrong fit for them?
Elsa (34:13):
I do think maybe having, some conversations around what
their coaching process lookslike is important.
Because.
The coaching field is notregulated.
It's not regulated like, youknow, psychologists or
counsellors.
It's a self regulated field.
And so, essentially, anybody canbe a coach.
(34:35):
I guess asking aboutcertification is important.
I feel like for myself, by thetime I'm working with somebody,
I've generally, connected withthem enough that by the time I'm
making a decision to work withthem, it's not a big decision
because I've already essentiallydecided that I want to work with
them.
For a lot of the people I workedwith, it's kind of the same,
right?
We've connected enough that thatthey feel comfortable.
(34:57):
So I think having a conversationand, what they feel their scope
is, that's something that Ialways make really clear in
either an intro session or adiscovery call or any kind of
inquiry is like scope ofpractice, the fact that there
are things if I feel likesomething is beyond my scope
that I will refer you on I feellike a lot of people don't
actually even know what a lifecoach does, so I think just not
(35:19):
being scared to ask questionsabout how the whole relationship
works.
Ashley (35:24):
Do you think for the every day person that there's
some myths that would preventthem from hiring a life coach.
I feel like if we see them onTV, it's always some super
famous person that's likeleaving a wellness spa almost,
and then hires a life coach.
Elsa (35:40):
Absolutely.
And I know, I can't speak towhat everybody else thinks right
now, but I know for years andyears, I really thought of a
life coach as somebody thatworked with famous people that
told you, how you should runyour life, right?
When.
In reality, it's not like thatat all.
I think the term coach issomething that's a bit confusing
(36:02):
to people too, because I know ifyou're in the coaching industry,
it's not confusing.
But I think for the averageperson you think of coaching,
you think of like your footballcoach or your baseball coach or
whatever, and those people arethere to tell you what to do.
They're there to tell you andyou listen to your coach.
Right.
Whereas.
Being in the coaching world,whether you're, you know, a
(36:22):
business coach or a life coach,or, I mean, there's a hundred
million different kinds ofcoaches, the idea is not to tell
people what to do, that isabsolutely what you do not want
to be doing, it is not my job totake my lived experience and my
values and use those to tell youwhat to do with your life.
(36:43):
Coaching is much more about likeI've said, it's about asking
questions, being curious,helping people come to their own
conclusions and see thingsdifferently and I guess see
themselves differently.
Ashley (36:57):
Yeah, because you couldn't be like, and I'm a life
reassure.
I'm a life guider.
There's not really a better,
Elsa (37:04):
there's all kinds of terms and I've called myself different
things over the years, but atthe end of the day, that's what
I am, right?
I'm certified as a coach.
I'm a life coach.
I'm not a business coach.
My client's talking aboutbusiness, but that's not
specifically what I do.
I'm here to help you with yourlife.
And even if we are talking aboutbusiness, we're talking about
(37:24):
you in your business and thethings that are affecting your
business or your relationshipwith your business or your
relationship with your family asa business owner.
There's lots of different thingswe can call ourselves, but.
At the end of the day, and Imean, there are mentors, right?
And a mentor is a bit different.
A mentor is where, you know,you're talking to somebody and
they're guiding you based ontheir experiences.
(37:47):
I do include that in my title,when people are looking for
something like that, as far as,like I said, it's generally
related to business, where theywant to have conversations
about, what I've done, that'sworked for me or if they want
like advice specifically.
Relating to certain things.
So there is a difference betweenthose two things.
(38:07):
And if that's what you'relooking for, you can find people
that will do that for you, orstrategist.
That's another one.
Strategist, they help you, like,figure things out.
They'll kind of like, tell youwhat to do.
If you're looking for somebodyto specifically tell you what to
do, those people are out there,but you also have to realize
that when you go to somebodylooking to tell you what to do.
That's also going to be based onwhat's worked for them.
(38:30):
And it doesn't always fit.
And that's okay.
But you have to recognize thatthen that doesn't mean there's
something wrong with you.
It's just maybe not a good fit.
Ashley (38:37):
When you work with clients, do you work with them
in person or online or both?
Elsa (38:42):
Both.
I do have clients that I meet inperson.
And I have clients that I meetvia Zoom.
Ashley (38:49):
Zoom really did have a glow up in the last couple of
years, in that sense.
Yeah, but it really created.
This environment where you wouldnever have a chance to meet
people otherwise, that I do likethe technology option for that.
Elsa (39:02):
Oh, absolutely.
I can't imagine being onlylimited to people that I could
see in person.
You know, like there issomething to be said for
personal connection, like for inperson, but I don't know.
Over the years, I feel like I'vecreated a lot of really cool
connections and relationshipswhere I have only ever met them
virtually.
Absolutely.
Ashley (39:23):
Same.
When you're working with people,do you work specifically with
women?
Is it both men and women?
And do you work with people oneon one or do you work with
couples or family?
Elsa (39:35):
tHat's a wonderful question.
So since I started my business,I have targeted working with
women.
That being said, I have workedwith men.
I'm not opposed to working withmen.
I'm Myers Briggs certified aswell.
So I have done some work withcouples with Myers Briggs.
Specifically, it's been likecouples that have businesses
that they operate together.
(39:55):
I'm open to working withcouples.
I am a little bit intimidated byworking with, say families, so
that's maybe not something thatwould be at the top of my list
right now but I would say themajority of the work I do is one
on one.
I do, occasionally do groupprograms.
Those are generally a virtualthing.
A lot of my content speaks towomen specifically, but I'm not
(40:19):
opposed to working with men.
Ashley (40:21):
If people were looking for you online to work with you,
where would they find you?
Elsa (40:26):
You can go to my website.
It is ElsaBorsa.
com, short and sweet.
I'm on Facebook and Instagram.
On Instagram, I'm just at ElsaBorsa and on Facebook, I'm at
Elsa Borsa coach.
Ashley (40:38):
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much forhaving this conversation with me
today.
Elsa (40:42):
Yes.
Thank you.
It's been fun.
Thank you so much for joining ustoday for this episode of the
filled up cup podcast.
Don't forget to hit subscribeand leave a review.
If you like what you hear, youcan also connect with us at
buildupcup.
com.
Thanks again for tuning in andwe'll catch you in the next
(41:05):
episode.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.