Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to the filled up cuppodcast.
We are a different kind of selfcare resource, one that has
nothing to do with bubble bathsand face masks and everything to
do with rediscovering yourself.
We bring you real reviews,honest experiences, and
unfiltered opinions that willmake you laugh, cry, and most
(00:21):
importantly, leave you with afilled up cup.
Ashley (00:32):
I am so excited.
I have Christiana Cioffi joiningme today.
She is the author of anunapologetic spinster.
True modern dating stories.
Thank you so much for joining metoday.
Christiana (00:42):
It's great to be
here.
Thank you for having me.
Ashley (00:45):
Can you tell us a little
bit about what made you want to
write the book and yourbackground?
Christiana (00:50):
Well, when I turned
34, I found myself after
finishing a 10 yearrelationship, single, what was
the dating world?
Like, what was I going toexperience out there?
Was it as terrible as everybodysaid, or was it going to be
magnificent?
Well, it was a little bit ofboth.
And I found over several yearsof dating, as I approached the
(01:10):
spinster age of 40, that I had alot of stories to share.
I needed to change myperspective, and to do so, I
found writing to be a verycathartic way to do that.
I tried to make my storiesmostly humorous but they're all
100 percent very real lifebased, and I think they're
relatable.
So I wrote An UnapologeticSpinster, True Modern Dating
(01:33):
Stories to speak to other peoplewho find themselves approaching
middle age and not sure of whatdating is going to be like for
them.
But to know they're not alone,even if they're not in a
relationship.
Ashley (01:46):
I think more and more we
find people of that age single.
I think, maybe in differentgenerations, you met the one in
like high school and college andlived happily ever after.
I feel like more and more,that's not really the case.
More people are, out there anddating in their 30s, 40s and
50s.
Has there been anybody?
(02:08):
That you wrote about in the bookthat came after and we're like,
Hey, I didn't know you weregoing to share that story.
Christiana (02:14):
Oh, nobody's come up
and told me that yet.
All of their names are changed.
So I protected the innocent andthe not so innocent, but a lot
of them, I don't keep in touchwith anymore.
A few people I'm friends with.
So just recently, one of thepeople that I dated he got
married and I went to hiswedding in Chicago and it was a
lovely event and we're stillfriends.
(02:36):
There's a main character in mybook who pops up.
early on and he kind of re showshimself throughout the book.
He has not read my book.
He's still, reaches out to mefrom time to time, but he has
not read my book.
I don't know if he ever will,because he's probably afraid to
know what's in there.
But, you know, a lot of it'speople I've met, we've gone on a
(02:57):
couple dates.
I learned something from them,they were an important part of
my journey, and each chapteralso shows kind of a different
angle of modern dating, which iswhat makes it relatable, because
no one date is the same intoday's day and age.
Ashley (03:15):
What did you notice that
was really different from when
you started dating, you know,pre breakup to what you started
dating post breakup?
Christiana (03:23):
So pre breakup, my
10 year relationship before that
I was 24, which, you know, I'm41 now.
So that was a while ago.
There were no dating apps.
Facebook was, barely a thing.
I was in the military.
So I think I before myrelationship with that
individual, I had been deployedalready to Iraq.
(03:45):
I had this life living in Texasof constantly doing something
for the military and not reallyhaving a very social, you know,
normal early 20s experience.
But I still met My 10 yearrelationship through friends and
it was new from the beginningwhen I met him, this was going
to be something we enjoyedseveral great years.
(04:08):
And then we took a while to endthe relationship, but we did so
being 34 and single again,dating apps.
They're apparently the only wayto meet people.
That's what you expect.
That's what you think.
Now, I'm not on dating apps.
We may talk about that in alittle bit here.
And I'll share why that is.
But, I'm not on dating apps.
(04:28):
And I don't think that's the waywe have to meet people today.
But it's the way that I guess Iwas shown I needed to meet
people after my 10 yearrelationship ended.
So that's the number one bigthing.
How we engage with people isover a phone or an app versus
just meeting people in the realworld while you're out and about
enjoying your life.
Ashley (04:50):
I know from my
perspective, it seems so hard to
just talk to strangers and inmovies, you'll see the meet cute
of like people in the grocerystore and it just feels like
that's not really how it is.
So I do understand that it doesseem like you have to slide in
somebody's DM or you have toswipe on them.
And for me, I found dating apps,it kind of felt like internet
shopping, but it always feltweird of like swiping yes or
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swiping no and really knowingpeople's.
Authentic self or what theirintentions were.
How did you find dating apps?
Christiana (05:21):
Exactly the same.
I think that is so true for somany people.
Dating apps are verysuperficial.
Some of the apps, you don't putanything substantial about
yourself and your personalityinto your profile.
You put a picture of yourself,you're doing yoga, the guy's
holding a fish.
It's all very predictable.
And you just want them in athree second glance at you to
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say yes or no, that's not reallygetting to know somebody.
And how many dates have we allbeen on where we go out and we
think, Oh, I'm really going tohit it off with this person
because I find them veryattractive in their photo, and
then you meet them and theydon't really look anything like
their photo.
Now it's not to say that they'renot good looking but they're
just not your type of person.
And you don't mesh in that waythat chemistry is not there.
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So we're putting a lot of oureggs in one basket when we use
dating apps and look at thesuperficial features of people
or what they share, expecting tohave some deep connection.
Now, if we're using dating appsto have something casual, then
that works great, which I'vedone as well.
I like, to go out and meet newpeople and do different things
and have companionship atdifferent levels.
(06:26):
But it's not, I don't think.
necessarily the right recipe fora long term connection with
somebody when it's starting fromthe beginning, all about
superficial, pictures or manyfacts about yourself.
Ashley (06:42):
Every picture obviously
has a metadata date in it.
They almost should make it sothat you can't post pictures
that were taken 10 years ago orwith AI.
How many are going to becompletely like genetically
modified filtered version andthen you wouldn't recognize the
person when they're actually infront of you.
So they almost need like alittle bit more in there.
Christiana (07:03):
Absolutely.
And if you think about it, whenwe take photos on social media,
a lot of us use filters.
So that's not even what you looklike.
Oh, my skin looks perfect.
No, in real life.
No, it doesn't look perfectbecause I'm a normal human
being.
And I think that's, what's wrongwith society and our
expectations when it comes todating is you have to seem
perfect from the beginning andyour profile has to seem perfect
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because they need to make thatdecision.
On you within three seconds.
Otherwise, Oh, you're nevergoing to meet your soulmate.
What an unrealistic and terriblepressure to put on ourselves.
How about we just be who we are?
I tried to do that with datingapps.
I would put something that maybewas a little bit unexpected and
I used words and my personalityto shine through and be
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different, and I didn't usefilters.
I didn't do the standardpictures.
I didn't have a photo shoot formy profile.
I just was me.
Take it or leave it.
This is me.
I don't know if it worked ornot, but I certainly didn't hate
dating when I went on datingapps.
So to me, that's a success.
Ashley (08:03):
Well, and I think that's
the thing too.
It's like, yeah, I could looksuper pretty if I do this
filter, if I do a photo shoot,but at the end of the day, six
months in you have to be okaywith me sitting on the couch,
watching a show or going for awalk or whatever it is that you
do.
For the most of your spare time,but it can't always be glitz and
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glam relationships don't stay atpeak excitement.
You have to be okay being boringwith the person.
Christiana (08:29):
Oh, I totally agree.
I actually have a couplechapters in there where I speak
about my true self coming outand me being comfortable with
who I am.
One chapter was about a veryinteresting date I had with
somebody during COVID when youweren't going out to bars.
And at the time I lived inBoston, so we did.
go out to a bar, we went for awalk and you had to wear a face
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mask.
So I loved dating during COVIDbecause I didn't have to put on
makeup other than maybe a littlemascara.
I was wearing workout clothesbecause we were going for a mile
and a half walk and I didn'thave to spend money on a drink
for needless calories that I'dhave to walk off anyway.
I was just getting exercise andgetting to know somebody and the
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pressure was kind of released.
They were also seeing me in amore natural.
state, because I am a veryactive person, so that aligned
up well, my book's not an advicebook, but I do a lot of, advice
I lend to people because theyask me about it, so I share from
what I've learned, but thesooner we become comfortable
with who we are and ourauthentic self, and I think
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that's what you said earlier,The more likely we're going to
hit it off with the right personsooner, because we're not under
those false pretenses.
So my book really is about, forme, it is about finding myself
through all that dating andbeing comfortable.
In fact, embracing where I am inthe journey, because I found
myself, I didn't find a husbandover the last several years, but
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I found myself and I lovemyself.
And that's what I think we allneed to do to Before we can
truly allow ourselves to havethat other person in our lives.
Ashley (10:06):
I definitely agree with
that and I think in some ways
it's the benefit of dating inyour 30s and 40s like in your
20s.
I feel like for me anyways, Ihave no idea who I was that I
was trying to fit into so manypeople's ideas of what I should
be that when you kind of reachyour 30s and I'm not quite in my
40s, but I'm anticipating onceyou get there, it's like you
kind of just don't give a shit.
(10:27):
It's like, this is who I am.
I like who I am.
I think, feel more comfortablein your skin that it's a lot
less pressure that way.
Christiana (10:36):
Oh, yeah.
And that's what I'm experiencingnow, since I released the book
and I've, come into my own evenfurther.
And I'm always on this journeyas we all are.
I'm really embracing that, youknow, at 41, I may not be able
to have kids on my own.
For that much longer.
And I don't even know.
I've never, never tried.
Who knows?
Maybe I can't have kids on myown right now.
(10:58):
There are other options orthings I can look into, but it's
okay.
I don't want to think of youknow, a clock ticking for me to
have a family.
This is a modern age.
There's a lot of different waysto have a family.
I also don't necessarily expectthat the person.
I end up with and build a familywith doesn't have kids of their
(11:18):
own, and in my view.
That's not a bad thing.
Usually those the people I'vebeen on dates with that have
kids tend to be the most matureand the most put together.
We all should look at what do wereally want in our lives and if
having for me something I'mgoing through now is if I really
want a kid on my own, then maybeI should just have a kid on my
(11:38):
own.
And embrace that next chapter ofmy journey and maybe that'll be
the sequel to my book andunapologetic Spinster has a
baby.
Ashley (11:46):
I think that as a single
parent, you could also go into
it with the person that you loveand then it still ends up that
you're a single mom you justnever know.
So it kind of is you got to rollthe dice and whatever is best
for you at the end of the dayis.
what you should do.
Have you found when you werelooking for a relationship, I
noticed on your website, youhave a date me application.
(12:10):
How has that been?
And do you recommend otherpeople trying it that way?
Christiana (12:15):
Well, so I put the
date me tab of my website
because I wanted to make surepeople visit my website and
realize this isn't a DebbieDowner book of dating.
It's meant to be fun,entertaining, relatable, witty.
And I also, as I go through onthat tab and the websites an
unapologetic spinster.
com date me is about sortingthrough potential dates without
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using a dating app.
There's a lot of different waysto come at meeting people
without being on a dating app.
I'm definitely not on datingapps.
I don't ever see myself gettingon one again.
But I also thought having mywebsite, promoting my book,
showing my personality, couldalso lend itself to somebody who
is the right match for me.
(13:00):
They kind of see what they'regetting from the start.
And if they're so interested,they can apply.
I have had interest come throughthat website.
I pursued some of them andothers I have not, but it's fun
and if dating's not fun, thenyou got to change what you're
doing.
In my opinion, it shouldn't be aburden.
And that's my way of having somefun with it.
Ashley (13:21):
I think it's a really
great way of putting your
personality out there.
And I do think it's reallycreative and it kind of.
Challenges people step up to theplate.
If you're really looking for arelationship and you are
serious, like fill out thisapplication.
I don't think it's a bad way todo it.
I actually, and it's hard to saywhether this guy is creepy or
whether it was legit, but I sawsomebody on Tik TOK the other
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day that was like, I've plannedthis vacation.
I want somebody to come with meand similar thing of like, let's
do a zoom call.
Let's see if there's anyconnection here.
And he's willing to takesomebody to Europe with him.
Now, granted, I do thinkbackground checks and there
shouldn't be like a, let's justhop to a foreign country with
somebody.
But still, I think it's greatthat people are putting
themselves out there and findingcreative ways.
Christiana (14:05):
I could totally
relate to that person.
I have not seen their video andpost of that.
I don't know if they're aroundmy age.
Maybe I'll look into that Iwrite a chapter in my book about
going to Puerto Rico.
This trip I had really plannedfor a while.
So I had breast cancer.
I was diagnosed with breastcancer.
after my 36th birthday, so I'vebeen single for about a year and
(14:27):
a half and then boom, I getbreast cancer and I got to go
through this and I'm goingthrough it on my own.
It was a really tough time forme, but I came out of it and I
decided to set a vacation formyself in Puerto Rico, which had
been a bucket list place for me.
And hopefully I had somebodylined up by that time to go with
(14:48):
me.
Unfortunately, despite all mydating, many of the stories that
filled the pages of my book, Ididn't have anybody to go on
that trip with me.
So that chapter became aboutstepping into my own on a solo
travel and then embracing it.
I love solo travel now.
So my wish for that person who'slooking.
Maybe desperately for somebodyto join them on their trip, even
(15:11):
if they don't have somebody,they've got themselves and their
company.
They can learn to be comfortablewith that and truly enjoy,
whatever they want to do.
There's a lot of beauty in that.
Ashley (15:23):
Well, it's kind of nice.
You don't have to, compromise onvacation.
You want to go spend all day onthe beach.
You can, if you want to do somelike, I don't know, ziplining
where people might be afraid ofheights, like all of these
things.
It really is exciting to get outthere and find out what you
like.
Cause I think sometimes with ageor whether you're in a
relationship or whether you'resingle, sometimes it can be hard
(15:45):
to just figure out like, who amI?
What do I like?
What do I actually enjoy doing?
Because I find that you do kindof get sucked into this mindset
of like, well, I'm doing it forthis person or it'll keep the
peace.
So let's do it this way.
Or I don't care.
I'll let somebody plan for meinstead of having the challenge
of like, what am I going to makethis look like?
Christiana (16:05):
Oh yeah.
I've found that I have certaininterests that will lead me, I
believe, to who I meant to bewith.
For example, I took up golflessons.
I really wanted to learn togolf.
I realized a lot of men are alsoat the driving range.
So maybe do both of themtogether.
I learned to golf and I can meetnew people out and about while
(16:26):
I'm enjoying something.
I also found that with scubadiving.
So.
After my Puerto Rico trip, Icontinued to travel on my own
and really enjoyed it, beingable to have that autonomy and
decide what I wanted to do.
But I also realized I wanted todo more, have another activity
or hobbies.
So I brought in scuba diving andI've met a lot of people through
scuba diving.
(16:46):
I write a chapter about being inCosta Rica, scuba diving and
meeting some people which yourlisteners will have to read the
chapter to know what happens,but it was a great trip.
You've got to be inquisitiveabout who you are at this stage
in your life.
We're always growing andevolving and our interests
change, but be true to thatperson.
(17:07):
Take the time to find out whothat person is and then embrace
them through differentactivities, learning more,
experiencing different things,and you never know who you're
going to meet or what's going tohappen.
It can be magical.
Ashley (17:21):
Which is so true.
There's that meme that it'slike, I want to meet somebody,
but they're not in my house.
That it really is that reminderthat you do have to, have
hobbies, you do have to gooutside, you do have to, put
yourself out there and step outof your comfort zone, that, you
can't necessarily just sit athome and swipe all the time,
that it does have to be, findingyourself, becoming this whole
person to actually meet people.
Christiana (17:44):
Yep.
But then what happens when youdon't?
Meet anybody you're out there,you're putting yourself out
there and I've been doing thisfor a couple years and I've yet
to really meet the right personat the right time, a couple
close calls, but it just didn'tfit.
So it makes me wonder and youknow everybody's got their
different views on religion orspirituality, I'm a pretty
spiritual person.
Makes me wonder, what's wrongwith what I'm doing?
(18:06):
Am I not doing something right?
Or is it just not my time yet?
I actually believe that I'mputting myself out there and I'm
believing that, what is meantfor me will come to me at the
right time.
So then it must not be the righttime.
And if it's not the right time,then what can or should I be
doing for myself?
(18:27):
To make the most of this time,which is part of why I wrote the
book.
I've made changes in my career.
I've embraced living indifferent parts of the U S and
exploring what else there isthat, you know, after I have a
family, I won't have thatfreedom.
So make use of what I have nowwith time and space and see
(18:48):
where it takes me in my path,which would have been very
different if I had met somebodyfive years ago,
Ashley (18:53):
I do believe what you're
saying where the timing just has
to align and you have to be openand ready for that person to be
open and ready.
So sometimes it isn't on thetimeline that we want it to be
on.
Now, if somebody was listeningand was like, she sounds great.
I wonder if my brother, uncle,dad would be a good fit.
What would be your Mr.
Right?
Christiana (19:14):
Okay.
My Mr.
Right.
It's more energetic.
That's how I feel about it.
I think that the people I havefallen in love with over the
last few years have not been myquote type.
I don't know that I have a realtype other than, I do like ex
military myself.
I like somebody who I feel cantake care of me and protect me.
(19:36):
I also am looking for somebodywho's independent in their own
way, but most importantly, theyare looking to have a partner
who's going to grow along withthem because I'm not going to be
the same person five years fromnow that I am today.
I hope to continue to evolve anddo that with somebody.
those are the, I guess, reallycore pieces of somebody that I'm
(19:58):
looking for.
As far as what they look like orwhere they live, with the right
person, anything's possible.
So I'm not focused on where theylive, although I'm very happy
where I live, and I'd love themto join me here if I don't meet
them, at the grocery store afterthis podcast, but I think that.
We've got to be open to that.
And so meeting somebody inperson is very important for me
(20:21):
to recognize, do we have thatenergetic connection?
Is there you know, almost like asoulmate familiarity about them?
And you don't know that over aphone, over a text, or even a
zoom call.
Ashley (20:34):
Have you found that
people have used really good
pickup lines or really cheesypickup lines before in your
experience?
Christiana (20:42):
I did an experiment,
wrote a chapter about it, and
it's called F the dating apps.
I made a shirt that said exactlythat and said, give me your best
pickup line and arranged wearingthat shirt with my girlfriends
in a girl's trip to Savannah.
I had all sorts of pickup linesduring that trip.
(21:03):
I don't think that it reallymatters if the pickup line is
good or not.
I think.
It's how it's delivered.
So if somebody is giving a supercheesy pickup line, which I
personally like a little cheesy,and they deliver it with a smile
and charismatic, then I'm goingto lean in on that.
I also had pickup lines where,guys just stood there and said,
(21:24):
hi.
Is that your pickup line?
Like, yes, that's my pickupline.
Like, okay, well, you didn'tmake me laugh.
You didn't make me cringe.
You didn't do anythingmemorable.
So not really a pickup line andI wasn't really interested.
So that's my personality andwhat I was kind of looking for
in that experiment.
The guy that I ended up spendingthe most time with during that
(21:46):
girl's trip.
I wrote about him in thechapter.
I didn't even know he was givingme a pickup line when he did.
So again, it doesn't matter thepickup line.
It's just engage with somebodymake eye contact.
You know, have a conversationwith them, see if there's any
chemistry from that beginningthat you can build upon and
learn more about them.
Ashley (22:06):
Yeah, that's a really
great point because it's like
you don't want somebody to comeup to you, be like, hi.
And then all of a sudden youhave to do the work on somebody
that you weren't evennecessarily going to start the
conversation with.
it's really great.
No matter who you're talking to,it's like, show that you're
interested.
Ask those questions, lead andlisten to what the person is
saying to you so that theyactually want to keep talking to
(22:27):
you.
Christiana (22:28):
Exactly.
We're trying to get to knowsomebody for sure.
Take the time to do that.
I also believe dating can be funeven if you're using dating apps
and showing up at a bar to meetsomebody, don't put all the
pressure on yourself, havedifferent objectives.
For me, every date I went on, itwas about learning something
about myself.
learning something aboutsomething else, which usually
(22:48):
had to do with that individual,that date and what they maybe
did for a living or what theirinterests were.
And then the third was as Ilived in Boston, I really wanted
to explore more.
So it was about going somewherenew.
And when I set Out for thosethree simple goals in dating.
I found that I was reallygenuinely getting to know the
other person cause I wanted tolearn about them so that I could
(23:09):
check number two off my list.
And they enjoyed that.
I think that you can feel thatwhether or not somebody is
paying attention or interestedin what you're saying or in
your, limited time together.
So I had a great record ofgetting asked out on second
dates and I'm no supermodel.
I mean, I've got my picture onthe cover of my book with my
cat.
I think I'm decently attractive,but it's really about your
(23:32):
personality and the confidenceand having fun.
That's going to get you to havethat second date with somebody.
Ashley (23:38):
I think that's such a
good point too.
Like our attraction is whatinstantly will kind of build
that first initial spark maybe,but It doesn't last.
So if you can't make the personlaugh, if you're not somebody
who is a good conversationalist,if you're not having that actual
soul connection with somebody,it's never going to work out
that I'm hot, you're hot is likepretty much, I don't know, one,
(24:02):
two dates, maybe a month intothe relationship.
But I find that it fades so fastand then even that initial
attraction, like they becomeattractive for other reasons,
but that initial.
Oh my gosh, you're so hotdoesn't tend to last.
Even if the attractivenessdoesn't change.
Christiana (24:17):
Yes, and I think as
we get older, we're not looking
for somebody to be physicallyattracted to us and full stop
when you're 20, your hormonesare raging and you're free
you're out of your parents houseand you just want to date people
and have fun.
And a lot of that is built onthe physical aspects of it.
But as we mature, it's about whocan I grow old with and.
(24:40):
Somebody may be really greatlooking and have a great
personality or they may not.
So if we put all of our eggs in,they got to be great looking or
they've got to be this tall orwhat have you, or make this much
money or things that change,right?
How tall is not going to change,but how much money they have is
going to change.
So that's a very superficial wayof looking at somebody.
(25:01):
It should be more about who arethey, and do they have certain
aspects that you are looking forto determine if they're
compatible.
Ashley (25:10):
We've had so many
conversations just about what
was socially acceptable inbehaviors.
I don't know, before and towhat's acceptable now, like
weaponized incompetence issomething that kind of comes to
my mind.
So if you're somebody who wantschildren, you want somebody
who's not going to become yoursecond child, you're going to
want somebody who's, going toclean up the toy room with you
(25:30):
who you don't have to put likepictures of groceries to send
them to the grocery store.
Like you really want.
an adults.
So I think it's also thoseconversations.
It's like, when I want apartner, are these things that
are going to be deal breakers tome?
Or is it something where I can,you know, laugh and do all the
groceries shopping myself orsomebody who, if I tell somebody
(25:51):
something to, are they going tolisten?
Are they going to retain thatinformation?
Are they going to be a goodfriend and a good communicator
back.
And I think all of those thingsreally matter a lot more than if
they have a dad bod and baldingor whatever the case may be.
Christiana (26:06):
Totally agree.
I think you're bringing upsomething that is very important
for women, maybe around 35 iswhat I've seen in my friend
circle, women getting middle oftheir 30s.
Feeling that real pressure to, Igot to find somebody, you know,
all gynecologists, OBGYNs, theysay that my ovaries are
shriveling up and my eggs aregetting scrambled.
(26:27):
And if I don't find somebodysoon, then I won't have time to,
have an engagement and then getmarried and then have the kids.
So they're actually creating avery loud clock in their head,
and that's counting down.
So, it's no wonder, I think,that a lot of women listening to
that clock that becomes thedriving force, they find
(26:48):
somebody that's good enough, youknow, that meets enough of those
criteria.
And they have a family withthem.
It's like, oh my goodness,you've now created, a bond until
that kid goes to college at aminimum, you've created a bond
that would be hard to walk outof.
Is that the right person for youto be happy with and I don't
believe that anybody makes ushappy or makes us unhappy.
(27:09):
I believe we are in charge ofour own emotions, but are they
the right person for us to liveinto our full potential, which
is what's going to help us beour happiest.
My word of advice to women whoare early thirties looking at
that clock or listening to thatclock tick.
Don't worry about it.
You do you and what happens ismeant to happen as long as
(27:33):
you're living to your fullestpotential.
You're going to see great peoplecome into your life.
Wonderful things are going tohappen to you.
You're going to manifest thethings that you dream about and
you're not going to, settle forsomething or some situation that
doesn't serve your highest good.
Ashley (27:49):
I definitely agree with
that.
I also think that we've beensold, you know, even thinking
about pregnancy, like anythingover 30, they call it geriatric.
It's like, you're not agrandmother.
If you decide to have a baby at45, we are living longer
technology and science haveevolved in a way that
financially, if you were ableto, and you were like, I don't
know if I'm going to have kids.
(28:10):
I want to, you could alwaysconsider freezing eggs or again,
There's lots of turkey bastersall over town, like, you don't
have to go a traditional route,and you could still end up with
your Prince Charming at the end.
I just think we need to stop,quote unquote, shoulding
ourselves.
We don't have to follow anybodyelse's timeline, or if we don't
go at our path in a straightline, it doesn't mean that it's
(28:33):
a bad path or it was a wrongpath.
We all have individual, I guess,end games.
Christiana (28:40):
Absolutely.
That is exactly so well said thesynopsis of my book.
Spinster is a title that waspurposefully chosen.
I'm unapologetic in that becauseI am releasing the societal
expectations for me.
And it's an unapologeticspinster because I'm just one.
I think there's so many womenout there.
(29:00):
And I know a lot of people thathave read my book and reviewed
it on Amazon.
People.
I don't even know have read itand they say, Oh my goodness,
this is relatable.
I wish I had read this 10 yearsago when I, was dating somebody
I shouldn't have been with.
Cause I felt pressure to be in arelationship.
It's also resonated, believe itor not with male former
colleagues I have from my dayjob.
Who are late forties, earlyfifties and finding themselves
(29:23):
single, whether their spousepassed away or they were
divorced, they're reading andthey're like, Oh my goodness,
this is a great reminder that weneed to be true to who we are.
But for women, spinster is anarchaic phrase, but it's still a
societal expectation.
You know, you need to getmarried.
You need to have a family.
You need to do it in that order.
(29:44):
We need to release that.
We need to say society.
No, thank you.
And I'm saying we do it on yourown.
No, thank you.
That doesn't serve me.
That's not how I'm looking at mylife as a linear path.
It could be very.
Unique and different and I'mgonna do me and that's where
everything will fall into placethe way it's meant to be.
Ashley (30:02):
It's nice that more
people are hearing that
conversation so that if theyhave that negative voice in
their head they can be like,hey, other people say it's okay,
I actually don't have to listento that.
If men and women were findingthemselves single and they're
like, I don't know how to plan adate.
I don't know where to go.
Do you have some suggestions ongreat places to go for dates and
(30:24):
places where you're like, Iprobably wouldn't.
Christiana (30:27):
I think that when
you're going out on a date, it
is, you know, tried and true togo to a bar or have a coffee for
a first date.
I say, keep it short.
I don't think you need to do thetried and true way.
Find out what some commoninterests are.
If you're both into golfing, forexample, maybe go to the driving
range and you don't have to haveit drawn out.
(30:49):
Oh, but you'll have goodconversation most likely.
And if you're hating it, youknow, just leave the date, but
in the meantime, you'll also bedoing something that's of
interest.
So my recommendation would befind out for the first, second,
third date.
What are some of your commoninterests?
and have a date around that sothat it's not just sitting there
staring at one another, butyou're also doing something that
(31:11):
can help take some of thepressure off of, I need to force
a conversation instead.
We can talk about my golf swingand, you know, he's an expert
golfer.
He'll give me some tips.
That kind of thing is helpful,but I also recommend for a first
date.
Again, you haven't met theperson you don't from a dating
app.
You don't know what they really,look like in person or whether
(31:32):
or not you're going to clickwith them.
So don't make it a wholeproduction, just meet quick,
walk, have a cup of coffee.
You know, don't have a wholemeal.
That feels like a big to do.
You don't need to put all ofthat in just meeting somebody
essentially for the first time.
Ashley (31:50):
I would also add in
public, like really populated
areas is always a good firstdate option.
Christiana (31:56):
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Don't go for a walk in the woodsby yourself.
Go for a walk.
And, you know, as I lived inBoston, we went to Boston
common, we're walking around,you know, you can stop and get,
a pretzel or what have you fromoutsiders pop in for a cup of
coffee.
If you're really hitting it off,there's ways to extend the date.
Definitely do what you'recomfortable with.
Don't necessarily choosesomeplace that is right around
(32:18):
the corner from you.
Maybe go somewhere that'sneutral ground if you're having
to travel a little bit to seeone another.
Do what is safe first andforemost, but do things that
also don't add to the pressurewe're already putting on
ourselves.
Ashley (32:34):
Did you have any bad or
bizarre dates that people could
maybe learn from or that youmaybe talked about in the book?
Christiana (32:42):
My book is filled
with some bizarre dates, some
funny dates, some endearingdates.
So yes, I've got a lot in there.
I think each chapter does showthat different angle of dating,
and I learned something fromeach of those dates, and that's
why I selected to put them inthere.
I think, don't judge a book byits cover.
Now, maybe my book, judge mybook by its cover, because I've
(33:03):
got my cat on it, and it's kindof funny, but I mean that in the
figurative sense.
you meet somebody, give them achance for a little bit.
So I met somebody who lived in avan and that I thought was going
to be a terrible date becausewhy am I going on a date with
somebody who lives in a van,who.
Doesn't even live in the samestate as me.
(33:26):
They're kind of passing through.
This seems like a waste of time,but they were insistent on
wanting to meet.
And so I write about it in thischapter, how it turned out.
Be a really fantastic date.
He was such great company.
We had really good conversation.
I felt good about that date.
Meanwhile, you take somebody,who on paper or on the app, I
(33:47):
would have thought this is goingto be a fantastic date and we
meet in person and they're rudeor they're inconsiderate or,
some other things and it turnsout to be a terrible date.
So give somebody a chance, showup, you know, not.
Wanting or forcing something tobe something that it might not
be just see what happens andthat's going to be your best
(34:10):
shot.
I believe it having a good dateor if you've got the chemistry,
maybe it'll be a great date.
But when you when we startgetting into, not being
considerate or respectful ofother people to me that's our
dates just going to go downhilland go downhill fast.
Ashley (34:26):
SOmetimes the good on
paper do end up being like the
biggest red flag or boring ornot really what we want.
I think sometimes until we kindof get into that situation and
see the person you don't reallyknow what you're looking for.
Like obviously the foundation ofthings that you're looking for
stay the same, but it's like Iwent out with somebody and they
(34:46):
had a really goofy sense ofhumor and that.
Just isn't me.
So I'm like, this isn't gonnawork, but I loved it.
I loved that.
He was so silly.
It was so Nice that he could puthimself out there and just be so
cheesy where it kind of drew meout of my comfort zone so that I
didn't have to be so serious Soyou don't necessarily know what
you're looking for until youfind it
Christiana (35:08):
Yes, I totally
agree.
And in that example, you gaveyou actually grew from it,
right?
So if we are learning from ourexperiences and dating and
elsewhere, then we're going togrow.
And to me, that is a huge partof dating.
Getting back out there, puttingyourself out there, whether it's
on a dating app or not livingyour life and being open and
(35:29):
making eye contact with people.
And I make eye contact, I flirtand I enjoy my hobbies.
So I'm going to meet somebodydoing that.
That's what I believe.
Or a friend's going to introduceme something like that, but
we've got to be open to growingas a part of that.
And that makes it rewarding inand of itself versus, Oh,
another date.
(35:49):
And I still don't have somebodyand when we get down into that
perspective and that mindset,it's going to be hard to come
out of that.
So start from the onset of I'mgoing to have fun and I
mentioned those three goals,those worked for me.
Maybe if you're a goal orientedperson that works for somebody
else as well.
Ashley (36:07):
I think adding on to
that too, we kind of touched on
the red flags, but when you dogo on those dates and like, say
I had gone out with a funny guyand I actually was no, this
would be immature.
And I don't like it.
It's also Acknowledging that inthe moment and accepting that as
a person not being like, well,I'll just date him for another
month and see what happens thatI think it's also trusting the
(36:28):
red flags when you see them.
Christiana (36:30):
Oh, yes.
So you've got red flags that popup because they're not ready,
they're not emotionallyavailable, or there's red flags,
orange flags, like they're notthe right fit for me.
Having the confidence to knowone, what it is you're looking
for.
Is important.
And that comes from beingassured of who you are, of
taking the time and effort tolook within and really
(36:53):
appreciate who you are, what youhave to offer and where you want
to go in your life, and thenfinding the partner to fit that
I definitely have, you know,some of the near misses,
there've been great connections.
I've had very strong feelingsfor people, but either they
weren't ready or the timingwasn't right.
And neither one of us was ready.
If you try to force a situationlike that, in my opinion, you're
(37:17):
not setting yourself up for longterm success in that
relationship because it's builton a rocky foundation.
So strengthen your foundation.
And then when you build thehouse, build the house with the
right person, not because you'reapproaching 40 and you got to
have a family.
Otherwise, Oh no, you're notgoing to meet your life goals.
it all comes back to.
(37:38):
Know yourself, love yourself,appreciate yourself, live your
life, enjoy the hobbies youhave, and trust that when the
time is right, the right personwill also come to you.
And while you're waiting, justreally enjoy everything you can
about your life in that moment.
Ashley (37:57):
I love that.
And I also love that you went ona date with somebody and then
ended up at their wedding andthat that was cool with them,
that the bride and the groomwere like, This is an awesome
connection.
So I also love the fact thateven if it doesn't work out to
be like a husband or a wifesituation, you've now got two
new people in part of yourcommunity.
Christiana (38:18):
Yes.
Friends.
Friends are built off of some ofthese dates, because you're
enjoying their company.
So if you take the pressure off,and you enjoy their company,
then who knows, you may not datethem long term, but you may have
a long term friendship, they maybe somebody who introduces you
to somebody that you end up withdown the road.
Again, it's treating otherpeople with the respect that
(38:41):
you'd want treated towards you,it can be fun, dating can be fun
and if it's not fun.
Change something about howyou're approaching dating,
whether it's your mindset or howyou're going about lining up
dates and and going on thedates.
Do something different and makeit fun again and you'll enjoy
it.
Your dates will enjoy it and younever know what kind of
(39:04):
friendships or other types ofrelationships will come out of
it.
Ashley (39:07):
I think it's so
important because as grownups, I
don't know what age or whatpoint we kind of lose that.
Like childhood wonder, but itreally is finding that joy
finding what am I so excited todo today and it isn't just like
work and pay bills and sleep.
What do I want to fill my timewith?
And I think the more that youlean into those feelings of joy
(39:28):
and just having fun.
I think your energy changes andthen people do tend to want to
be around you more that it'salmost like that taxi cab sort
of metaphor.
It's like when the green lightis on, people are more like
open.
They're like willing to bearound you or get into your cab.
Whereas if you clearly are notinterested or having that sort
(39:48):
of shut down, then obviouslynobody is going to pay the fare
and want to get in.
Christiana (39:53):
Yeah, I think that's
the law of attraction, right?
It's raising your own energeticvibration and putting it out
there and it's attracting in thesame type of energy to you.
So if you think very little ofyourself and you have a low
energetic vibration, it's nowonder you're meeting people or
ending up in relationships withpeople that don't treat you with
(40:14):
the respect that you deserve.
Because maybe deep down, and I'mnot a therapist of any kind, I
go to therapy myself, and Ithink we all should, we'll all
benefit from the righttherapeutic partnership.
But maybe you're in arelationship with somebody you
give more than you get, becauseyou don't actually think you
deserve that love.
That you say you want and thatfor me personally was part of my
(40:37):
journey having come out of acodependent relationship and
finding myself and then becomingcomfortable with who I was, but
then boom, I get breast cancer.
And I talk a little bit about itin the book.
I Elected for a doublemastectomy and reconstruction.
So now my physical body, thesexuality that I kind of stepped
into again, I had to do itagain.
(40:58):
I had to learn to be comfortablewith myself and love myself.
And it made me wonder, you know,why did I even get breast
cancer?
Is there some energeticconnection?
We all have, our own views onlife and the universe and
beyond.
For me, I've become very focusedon my journey of making sure
that I have that right energy.
And that's again, starts withhow I feel about myself.
(41:20):
And when I believe that Ideserve true, wonderful,
reciprocated, unconditionallove, then that's what I want to
attract in.
So in some ways, it's no wonderI haven't met my person over the
last several years of datingright time, right place.
But I'm also looking forsomething very special, and that
(41:43):
doesn't just pop out of nowheresometimes.
I mean, I think it will when thetime is right, but for me I'm
doing other things as I expectmy person to come into my life.
So I would, you know, say toyour listeners out there.
Think about what kind of energyyou're giving off, and if there
are patterns of certain peoplethat you find yourself entangled
(42:04):
with in unhealthy relationships,why is that?
And maybe seek the professionalhelp to get to the bottom of it,
so you can be that full, highervibrating person that's gonna
attract somebody mutually youknow, high energy.
Ashley (42:20):
Do you mind if I ask,
how your health is doing now?
Christiana (42:23):
Well, thank you.
My health is great.
So I was very lucky when I foundmy own breast cancer lump.
It was stage one.
Because I elected for a doublemastectomy and reconstruction, I
did not have to go throughradiation and I was borderline
needing chemotherapeuticregimen.
So I did not do the chemo, whichwas great, but there were still
(42:45):
other challenges and I'm stilltechnically on oral therapy and
some other ovarian suppressionbased on my type of cancer.
So I'm coming up on five yearscancer free and I'll come off my
therapy and I'll move on with mylife.
But it, changed my life in avery positive way.
It's how we look at things,challenges that come into our
(43:05):
life.
And so many people have cancer.
So many people have othertragedies or challenges.
For me, this was something tohelp me.
Stop, pause, and reflect on howam I really living my life and
what needs to change for me tobe healthy inside and out.
So I think I am much healthiernow than before I had cancer.
Ashley (43:25):
I think that's a great
mindset and I'm really happy to
hear that your almost five yearmark is coming up and that
things are going good.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for havingthis conversation with me today.
Can you let everybody know ifthey're looking for you online,
where they can find you?
Christiana (43:42):
Yes, it's
unapologetic underscore spinster
on Instagram.
You can also find me on Facebookor visit my website unapologetic
spinster.
com and my book both in printand ebook is on Amazon.
That's the best place to get it.
And if you read it and love it,please leave a review.
Ashley (44:00):
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for joining ustoday for this episode of the
filled up cup podcast.
Don't forget to hit subscribeand leave a review.
If you like what you hear, youcan also connect with us at
filledupcup.Com.
Thanks again for tuning in andwe'll catch you in the next
(44:23):
episode.