April 10, 2024 • 46 mins
On this episode, I am joined by Lindsay Sealey. She is an educator, consultant, mentor, facilitator, speaker, and difference maker. She is a girl advocate, girl champion, and girlhood enthusiast. She is a social activist and intentional about promoting local and global social change and pursuing her Ph D in Mind-Body Medicine.
We discuss her newest book: Wild About You. Wild About You is designed to help you explore what it means to truly love yourself, as you are today. Loving yourself may be a new concept and a new practice for you. Yet, loving yourself is essential for your health and happiness, for your relationships, and for all you can offer this world! The Wild About You e-book explores the very question, “Are you wild, crazy, and deeply in love with yourself?”, understanding why we fall out of love with who we are really, how to be wild about you (awareness, acceptance, self-trust, and prioritizing self-care and self-compassion), and how to access the love you need inside of you. The e-book is filled with ideas and inspiration, quotations, journal prompts, and colourful images!
Lindsay has generously made this free for listeners until the end of April:
Wild About You e-book - Lindsay Sealey
Bold New Girls ™ (@boldnewgirls) • Instagram photos and videos
Filled Up Cup - Unconventional Self Care for Modern Women
Ashley ~ Filled Up Cup podcast (@filledupcup_) • Instagram photos and videos
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the filled up cuppodcast.
We are a different kind of selfcare resource, one that has
nothing to do with bubble bathsand face masks and everything to
do with rediscovering yourself.
We bring you real reviews,honest experiences, and
unfiltered opinions that willmake you laugh, cry, and most
(00:21):
importantly, leave you with afilled up cup.
Ashley (00:30):
I am very excited.
I have Lindsay Sealey joining meagain today.
Thank you for coming back on myshow.
Thank you for having me.
We are going to discuss hernewest ebook, which is called
Wild About You.
Can you tell us a little bitabout the inspiration for Wild
About You and where that camefrom?
Lindsay (00:49):
Yes, this might sound like a very strange story, but I
am an avid Starbucks fan.
Customer and one day I wasgetting my coffee and I think
they had just put out it musthave been the valentine's cards
and I saw a little heartStarbucks card that goes on your
keychain and it said wild aboutyou so it was aesthetically
pleasing.
It was really multicolored andpretty, but I think what struck
(01:13):
me was.
The idea, like I spent some timethinking about it, and I could
say I appreciate myself and Ilike myself, maybe love myself,
but I have never once had thethought or the language, I'm
wild about me, I think it justmust have impacted me like, is
that even possible to be wildabout yourself, or even to be
(01:35):
wild about someone else likeit's such a bold statement, and
I think it just resonated withme and I thought about it and
reflected about it and thought,you know what, if I need to hear
that, and this is having such aneffect on me, I bet you others
need to hear it too.
And so I started to unpack theidea of self love and what that
means.
Ashley (01:53):
I love that inspiration can really come at any point for
us, but it's almost like thoseaha moments because it really
is.
We talk about, you know, selflove and self compassion, but it
does seems such a challengingconcept in some ways.
So to really think like I couldbe wild about myself and be so
in love with myself.
(02:13):
I don't know why it seems sohard, but it does seem like a
hard idea to wrap My head arounda little bit, and I think
potentially it could be like, aswomen, we are genetically wired
to care so much about otherpeople that we just give and
give and give that I feel likeat the end of the day, a lot of
the times it can feel like wedon't have a lot to give to
(02:33):
ourselves.
So this idea that we should bethinking about ourselves more
and be, in love with ourselvesand have those feelings I think
is so needed and so important.
Lindsay (02:43):
I think that's true.
And I just, I think I'mgrappling with like most people,
why is that so hard?
Like you think it would be themost natural thing.
I believe we're born.
loving ourselves a hundredpercent and yet flash forward
into your 20s 30s 40s and beyondand it's like sometimes it's not
even a thought that you shouldlove yourself sometimes you
don't even feel like you'reworthy of that love so i think i
(03:06):
went pretty deep with thestarbucks card which i just
thought of now ashley is likeIt's probably a card for,
obviously, like, someone youlove.
And I thought, wild about you,like, I would give you the card
because I'm wild about you.
But I didn't actually think ofthat first.
I just thought, wild about you,like, me.
Like, anyway I, I took it selflove, not romantic love or any
(03:27):
other kind of love.
I think it's something I'vealways grappled with, been very
challenged to love myself.
And something that, you know,I'm still trying to Sort out.
I think I'm getting closer, butI think that it resonated with
me because I was so far from theidea of wild about myself.
Ashley (03:45):
When do you think that changes?
Like I know, I believe that tooas kids, we do think we're
awesome.
Look how fast I can run, lookhow high I can jump, like there
is that like, I'm so cool.
Do you think it's more in theteen years when like hormones
and insecurity changes that itkind of comes in?
Or when do you think thatchanges for us?
Lindsay (04:05):
I do think it's individual and obviously, like
any idea, there's so manyfactors, you know, how you're
raised and how you're treatedspecifically.
How much stress or trauma is inthe household.
If there's addictions, like Ithink it's very dependent on a
lot, but if I think of myexperience and now with the
girls that I'm coaching, I dobelieve that we're born a
(04:25):
hundred percent in love withourselves.
We know ourselves, we loveourselves.
And we don't even have to blinkin terms of getting our needs
met.
You know, I'm hungry, I'mthirsty, I'm sad.
You know, we just do it sobeautifully and so intuitively.
And I think what happens is thatwe start to grow.
(04:45):
Let's just say ballpark.
It's like.
Age 567, we become aware of thefact that we're not the center
of the universe and that thereare other people.
And those other people may loveus, may give us what we need,
and they may not.
But what we need most, this is asurvival mechanism for all
humans, is we need connection.
(05:07):
And we will work really hard tokeep connection at all costs.
And so I think what happens,let's say we're not getting our
needs met, So, let's say youknow, we notice that when we are
good, or when we're helpful, orwhen we please our parents,
they.
applaud that or they say, oh,that's so great.
And we feel like, oh, that's thelove.
(05:28):
So we learn to do more of thatto get love, even though we
might want to say somethinglike, look, I've had a really
bad day or I'm sad or I'm mad atyou, but we don't.
So we learn to be somebody toshow what people need to take
care of what they need because.
(05:48):
We need to survive.
I, as a kid, most kids do notwant to die, and they don't want
their parents to leave them.
That is such a strong fear thatI think it's slow, but, and it's
not intentional, it's againstsurvival, it's instinctive.
I think we start to disconnect.
And you do it little by little,so now you're pleasing people,
(06:10):
you're like being who they wantyou to be, you're making sure
your feelings, your needs, yourdesires, they're not too big,
maybe just a little here andthere, but you don't want to ask
too much, you don't want to betoo loud, you don't want to be
too demanding, too sad, toowhatever.
And I feel like that thenbecomes our new identity, even
though if we looked back like amovie, we would say, Oh no,
(06:33):
that's not your true identity.
You're holding back.
You're becoming smaller.
You're thinking less and less ofyourself.
So I think it's slow, right?
And then yes, we get into theteen years.
Of course, that's exasperated bygrowth and peer pressure and a
lot of other dynamics.
And I think it's just almostlike a path we get on.
(06:53):
That we don't even know we're onand that we learn later with
more self awareness and maybesome extra support.
We learn that it's probably notthe best path and we then start
to journey back to ourselves andour true selves.
Ashley (07:07):
Which is so heartbreaking in a sense to
really think about because thatis totally what happens.
I think for a lot of peoplemaybe that's why you kind of hit
those like early 20s in yourlife.
Who am I, and how do I figurethis out without falling into
those rabbit holes of I wantthis boy to like me, so I'm
going to behave this way.
(07:27):
I want to still have aconnection with my parents, so
I'll Play this role and reallydivide yourself into all of
these little boxes in a sense.
Lindsay (07:36):
Yeah, it's hard when it's just the norm like everyone
does it and the expectationsthere whether it's from our
parents or society and we're allgiven those messages like no one
is immune to this.
that we look for love.
So I'm going to look for love.
Like, I'm not feeling happy, butI'm going to find it.
I'm going to find it in a job, arelationship, a certain weight
my beauty or youth or whatever.
(07:58):
And I think it's a really goodidea.
Like, Hey, I need something.
I'm going to look for it.
But I don't think that's correctbecause I think, well, from my
experience, I have got therelationship.
I've got a certain level ofstatus or money or fitness or
whatever.
But the feeling didn't followand I was like, what?
I thought I would feel for surelike this was love or happiness
(08:20):
or I'd be so proud of myself andI wasn't.
And so I think that.
We're looking to like fill up orlike that someone's going to
fill us, but we're not full orwe're looking to be completed.
I know it's a common phrase,quote unquote, but we're not
complete on our own.
So this search is this falseidea because what we're looking
for is not out there.
(08:42):
But it's what we're taught.
It's how we're trained.
It's like a sales pit.
Like, oh, it sounds so good.
It has such appeal.
Like it's got to be theresomewhere.
And I keep changing andsearching and striving.
And I think no wonder we're allso tired when the answer is
right here.
Like right here and for me thatpeople might understand this or
(09:03):
get this awareness way youngerthan I did, but I don't think I
really got that until maybe 40.
I think I spent a lot of my timeblaming people that I wasn't
happy and I outsourced myhappiness.
I was always looking for ituntil I realized, wait a second,
I can't keep blaming people.
Like I have a certainaccountability for my life.
And if I want to be happy and Iwant to find this love or be
(09:26):
this love in myself, I have todo the work.
I have to create that love.
And that's probably where I'm atnow.
Some people, maybe they gotthere in their twenties and good
for them.
Like I'm genuinely happy forpeople that get it sooner.
Cause I think, Oh, I didn'twaste life, but I think I did
search.
I was a searcher.
Ashley (09:44):
I think I was a searcher too.
And maybe it was our generation.
of basically being sold thatmessage a little bit harder.
I think I'm very grateful for,say, the younger generation,
because they are being givenmessages of that mindset of
like, you do have all theanswers, you can trust yourself.
And I think trusting yourselfcan be really, really hard,
(10:05):
especially You know, dependingon like the nature and nurture
versions of like what you grewup in and having that confidence
to be like, I got this.
I really do think in a lot ofcases, it does come with having
a fully formed cortex andgetting over insecurities, which
I think really does starthappening in like late thirties,
forties and beyond for somepeople that I think it's
(10:27):
unfortunate that we have to.
I don't know, get in our ownways and struggle and not be
able to see it until we see it,but I really do think that with
age and wisdom kind of comes tothe point where it's like, I
love myself and I got this andyou just feel more, I don't
know, confident in yourabilities.
Lindsay (10:47):
Yeah.
And maybe in that sense, Thestruggle is necessary.
I mean, this is life.
We know that there's hardthings.
There's hard days.
There's hard seasons and I don'tthink I can have regret or say I
wasted so much time because Ilearned maybe I learned what
doesn't make Me happy or Ilearned, you know, someone's not
gonna treat me well, but Atleast I know what healthy
(11:07):
treatment is, and I can treatmyself that way, or start, you
know, surrounding myself withhealthier people, so I think
there's probably a lot of, goldin these lessons, it's just like
any life lesson, I don't thinkthey're easy, I think they're
really hard, but I think we getBetter, probably faster.
And just more well balanced,well rounded, whole, smarter,
(11:29):
like all that really good stuff.
Ashley (11:31):
It's like letting ourselves off the hook for when
it feels hard to feel gratefulfor it being hard.
Like when we're struggling withsomething, whether it ends up
having good or bad.
Going forward, it really is hardto look at it in the moment and
be like, this is going to beawesome because it doesn't feel
awesome.
Lindsay (11:47):
That is so true.
Every so often I catch myself inmoments of stress and now I can
at least acknowledge it, whichis really good and better than I
used to be because I used tojust deny it and Sort of punish
myself for it or work harder,but now I catch it and it must
have been on Instagram orsomething I've read, but it's
like, you know, when it's hard,it means you're growing when
it's hard, it's working whenit's hard, something better is
(12:09):
coming.
I do try to instill thosemessages in myself because I
think of course something goodhas come going to come of this
because I'm putting in the timeI'm putting in the effort.
So I think hard is hard, buthard is also really good.
And I think that.
Mindset is very helpful becausewe can't expect life is always
going to be easy or good andwe're always going to be 100
(12:29):
percent in love or healthy or,kind to ourselves.
But I think that it is thegrowing pains that is becoming
something and I've just learnedto trust in that process.
Ashley (12:40):
Which is really fair too.
And I think it is having thatmindset because I do think it's
really easy to get caught up inthe I guess I'm like in a victim
mindset or like blaming otherpeople and to some degree, we
can't necessarily magicallychange every situation in the
situation.
But we do have possibilities wecan, you know, end the bad
(13:01):
relationship we can find adifferent job, we can save up
and maybe move to a differentplace like we do still have
options out there, but it'simportant to not feel like.
Your struggle is all you're evergoing to have and that you're
stuck in that moment, even ifthat's how it feels at times,
Lindsay (13:18):
I think it's really hard to face, I would call those
truths, like to finally come tothe realization like wait, I am
not happy.
I am not healthy.
I don't feel like I'm in chargehere.
It's just really uncomfortable.
Like, it's very easy to be like,I'm just not going to think
about it.
I'm just going to keep my job.
And I've often leaned on, Ishould be grateful.
(13:38):
Like, this is a pretty goodlife.
Who am I to complain about?
And then I start comparingmyself to people who are so much
worse as a way to justify that Idon't have to think about my
hard thing.
But I think I've just learned,like, it's okay to be
uncomfortable.
You don't have to think about it24 7, like, you can think about
it sometimes, but it's importantto try to stand in that truth,
(13:59):
to come to that realization,which you might be able to call
also, like, surrender.
You're just like, look, this ishard, and even when I said a few
minutes ago, just being able tosay, I am stressed, it's a bit
of a relief, so you're notholding it.
You're not trying to change it,or distort it, or deny it.
You're just there.
In the stress, or in thediscomfort, and I think those
(14:21):
truth moments are really hard,but from my experience, again,
I've always come out of themrelieved, thankful, maybe ready
to change, ready to dosomething, definitely ready to
accept, my part, and what'shappening, and then you're kind
of free, like you've letyourself off the hook, you're
like, okay, this is it, here Igo, you might be able to turn it
(14:42):
into even something positive,like, once I'm in truth, and I'm
free, then what am I going todo?
The questions maybe like whatnow?
What's next?
Yeah, exactly.
That can position us in a prettystrong place.
Ashley (14:57):
Well, I don't know about you, but it's like, what you're
saying when you bottle it up oryou try to avoid it, it doesn't
actually make it go away.
It's still there and it's stillwaiting to be acknowledged.
But when you say like, Oh, I'mstressed, I'm sad, I'm mad.
This sucks, whatever you'refeeling, it almost takes like
the pin out of the bubble,because then it's like, you are
(15:18):
dealing with it, you are lettingit go.
And then you don't have to carryit anymore.
Lindsay (15:23):
Yeah.
And the other place we go, Ithink is, this might be more
true of women, but we go to aplace of self blame.
Like what did I do?
It must be my fault.
And if you just kind of follow aself blame journey, that might
be that, you know, You say yesto everyone, like you let go of
your boundaries, or you stoptaking care of your health, or
(15:44):
you just get so busy, or you'remaybe just mean to yourself,
like your self talk is reallynegative, or you continuously
seek people who are not yourpeople, they're not that good to
you, and I feel like I try tocatch myself now when I'm mean
and punishing and cruel becausethat's the opposite of what self
love is.
It's like you're going in thewrong direction.
(16:05):
So to kind of catch it is reallygreat and to replace it like,
wait a second, I'm overextendingright now.
I can't, I need some time for meor I've stopped doing the things
that bring me joy.
So I'm going to actually bringback joy or I think I've had it
with these people or thisperson.
Because They're not respectingme or I don't feel very good
(16:25):
when I'm with them.
So I'm going to fade away or I'mgoing to start looking for other
people that really value me.
And I think if we can catch thatself blame spiral.
And know that that's not true.
No one deserves punishment andreally I don't know, like
depriving yourself of any loveor any attention or any time or
nurturing what we deserve isself love.
(16:46):
That's what we're born into.
So can we get back to that?
I really love circles and Ithink of our journey in circles.
Cause I don't think we can livewithout people sometimes I want
to, but okay.
So we have a world of people andwe have to try to like navigate
this one.
Right.
But I think of it ourselves in.
As a series of three concentriccircles.
So that smallest circle, that'syour circle.
(17:09):
You own it.
You can stand in it strong,proud.
You feel your feelings, thinkyour thoughts, dream your
dreams.
That is yours.
You can come back there anytime.
That is where you get your.
Peace and your self love andyour groundedness and you're
also boundaried because it's acircle so you can decide who and
what You want in your circle andout of your circle and I feel
(17:29):
like speaking of fulfillmentfirst I feel like you want to
make sure that you're good youdo whatever you need to do for
me.
It's the morning I reallyoptimize mornings, but you take
care of your needs like youmight need to exercise You might
need to meditate.
You might need good foods.
You might need just some quiettime Whatever you need to do.
So when you go out in the worldand now we're getting into the
(17:50):
second circle in the series ofthree, then you're interacting
with people from a strongerplace.
So I am loving myself and I'mcaring for myself and I'm
speaking nicely to myself.
And so I probably have more togive other people, but I'm also
probably much more stronger.
In boundary setting where I candetect when there's some
toxicity or some mistreatmentbecause I'm good.
(18:12):
I've done my work, right?
I feel like it's in that order.
So me first and then others.
And then the final circle, whichI think we probably get to too
fast sometimes and we're notready.
The final circle is like seeingbeyond ourselves, the bigger
picture or the, like the me tome.
So now we're looking like, howcan I serve people?
(18:32):
How can I give more?
How can I be an inspiration forother people?
But I think every day I think ofit this way, like, me first, and
then if I have some extraenergy, others, and then if I'm
like, things are going reallygood, I've set my boundaries,
I've taken care of myself, nowI'm thinking, like, Maybe
there's an organization I candonate to.
Maybe there's someone on thestreet that just needs me to
(18:54):
stop and listen to them for afew minutes.
Maybe I can start something, Ihave some creative energy and I
think that's maybe my definitionright now of self love.
Like doing what I need to do.
Being there for people, but alsobeing there for me with people
and then seeing that biggercircle when I can get there.
I think a lot of us grow andit's like an outside in approach
(19:15):
to love.
So I'm just asking, who needshelp?
Does anyone need me?
And people are asking me forfavors and I'm just saying yes
to everything.
And then I realize, wow, mymiddle circle, my inner circle.
It's empty.
No wonder I'm feeling this way.
No wonder I'm so tired.
And I think it makes a lot ofsense.
So I really try to look at selflove as like an inside out
approach.
Ashley (19:36):
I love the fact that it makes it attainable.
Like if we focus on ourselvesfirst, if you're somebody who,
again, like me in a sense thatwe'll set like three alarms in
the morning and then you'reforcing yourself to get up out
of that third one.
If you don't make time to havethat quiet piece, maybe have a
coffee, actually eat breakfastand prepare yourself to head out
(19:57):
to the world.
It's like, are you going to feelrushed?
Are you going to feel grumpy intraffic?
Are you going to set off?
You know, somebody else that arelike, Hey, this person honked at
me or fingered me or whatever.
Are you setting a series ofnegative events or are you
setting yourself up to be like,I'm going to give myself 10
extra minutes on the highway soI can be as fast or as slow as I
(20:17):
want to.
I'm going to make sure I smilewhen I head into the office.
I'm going to ask my coworkers,Hey, how's your day?
But I also love the fact that itgives you grace that every day
is almost like hitting a reset.
If yesterday was bad if youdidn't meet that goal that you
would set yourself You havetomorrow like it doesn't have to
be an all or nothing.
Lindsay (20:37):
I do like that So first of all, I like the idea.
I think you're touching on islike this is all a choice And
this is your accountability as ahuman.
And I like to think of it as,how am I going to show up for
the world?
For people?
Well, I have to like show up forme first.
I have to do like a hundredthings probably to be able to
leave the front door.
But I think you're saying likegive ourselves grace because
(20:58):
let's say I have a bad sleep orthere's something on my mind.
I'm not in the best mood.
I don't have a good mindset.
Like I still have to go to work.
I still have to go getgroceries.
And I'm very aware.
of how I'm going to be affectingpeople, probably not smiling,
probably with some pretty not sogreat energy, right?
But I can change it if I want,if I catch it and I can course
(21:19):
correct, but I can also acceptit that I'm just human and in my
humanness, I don't have to showup for people.
So I try to like limit my peopletime, but also I can come home
and say, okay, that did not feelgood, so what changes do I need
to make?
Tonight I'm going to try to havethat better sleep.
Or I'm going to deal with thisconflict so I'm not carrying it
into, I don't want to be thetoxic person in relationships.
(21:41):
I don't want to bring thatenergy, so I feel like that's
just like, you know, there's nosuch thing as a perfect day.
I think we do the best that wecan, and there is a lot of that
grace and flexibility, but Ifeel like everything is a
learning experience.
So I can come home today.
I didn't have time for thatvolunteer work, but no kidding,
because there was barelyanything for me.
(22:01):
So I'll set intentions at nightfor the next day and I just try
again and it does start fresh.
I don't believe there's carryover.
So do it differently and seewhat happens.
Ashley (22:11):
Yeah, I think that that's one thing I really
appreciate about this ebook too,is that it gives you like a
concept, like the self love orself compassion, but it also
gives you.
Not like homework, but it givesyou like work steps to actually
figure out, how do I get tothat?
How do I understand that method?
Lindsay (22:31):
Yeah, that's something I think I really learned.
This is like a function probablyof my writing and thinking
development, but I've learnedto, of course I like to unpack
an idea and I like to explain itand I like to make it make
sense.
But I think for me, I've alwaysbeen Maybe I get to a point when
I'm reading, I'm like, okay, sowhat, like, what do I do with
all this?
(22:51):
And so the e book does havequite a bit of bullet points,
because I know everyone's busyand not everyone has time to
digest, you know, a whole pageof information, but it's like,
what does self love even looklike?
Can we name five ways to loveyourself?
Like, maybe it's It's journalingor again, moving your body or
just time.
Maybe it's a bubble bath.
Maybe it's, you know, writingout your to do's.
(23:12):
Like, what does that look likefor you?
It probably looks different thanit does for me and that's okay,
but here's a whole bunch ofideas.
Please pick something and see ifthat works for you.
If it doesn't work, do somethingelse.
If that doesn't work, dosomething else.
But I think it's supposed to befilled with ideas and you take
what you want.
Ashley (23:31):
I love that it focuses on all of the aspects.
Cause I think when we talk aboutself care, we talk about self
love.
It isn't a straight line or astreamlined process.
It really is doing that work,doing that investigation to get
kind of back to it.
And then the more that we kindof go along that journey, then
we can really go, okay, I cankeep loving myself.
(23:51):
This feeling can get strongerand we can find the joy in it.
And I feel like that childlikejoy and that wonder, and that
energy.
We do lose it at a point that weneed to remember as adults that
it's so important to stillexperience joy and create joy
for ourselves.
So I love the fact that thiswill give them the tools to be
(24:12):
able to at least start down thatjourney.
Lindsay (24:16):
Thank you.
I don't know about listeners,but I feel like I can get really
stuck in the beginning.
Like, why wasn't I loved?
Why didn't someone show me thatI was worth so much?
Why was I ignored?
Why were my needs not met?
And I think there is Time andspace for those feelings like I
(24:36):
do think it's important to honorthe past and I still have to
work through some of thesethings because we're triggered
in the present from what hashappened in the past and we
store a lot of what happened tous when we were little in our
bodies, right?
It's not really so I understandthe necessity.
I think it's necessary to goback, but I feel like we can get
stuck.
I don't like the wordvictimization.
(24:58):
It sounds wrong, but.
Just to tell ourselves, like,you know, poor me, or like, why
didn't I get love?
Like, clearly I'm not worthanything.
And I feel like I just wantedthis book to be the shift, let's
say, from yes, we canacknowledge that.
And I unpack some of the reasonswhy it's hard for us to love
ourselves.
On a societal level and on afamily level, but I think we
(25:19):
need to, try to get to thepresent.
How am I feeling now?
Is there something I could doright now in this moment?
What's the next best step?
Like, that's a really greatline, I think.
And then look forward and belike, wait, what if I made this
a practice?
What if I committed to me firstin the morning where I had five
self love tips every day or Ispent the weekends evaluating my
self love practice or whateverit is you want to commit to.
(25:41):
I think it's important that wemove forward because we count
reverse time.
I would love to go back and tellmy parents, Hey, this is what I
needed.
I was this kind of kid and maybeblame them a little like, why
didn't you do this?
It was what it was and theyparented in the way that they
knew how and they had a lotgoing on for themselves and it
was a completely differentgeneration of parenting and so
(26:02):
how is that helpful.
It's not really helpful it justmakes me sad and very frustrated
and probably a lot mad.
And so I can acknowledge itenough where I think okay that's
my truth like that is meaccepting that this happened,
but and I do like the, you know,the new movement let's say of
reparenting ourselves.
(26:22):
Okay, well, I'm a grown adult.
What do I need, and can I giveit to myself?
I can.
And then I feel good.
And then I create energy.
And then I want to keep doingit.
And then it actually transfersto a lot of areas of life,
right?
So if you love yourself, andyou're doing your self care
practice, and you're being selfcompassionate, you're going to
(26:42):
be different in yourrelationships.
You're going to show updifferently at work.
You're going to have more energyor creativity or desire to help
people.
I feel like, again, it takes meback to those circles.
It's in that order.
And I think then it's like,okay, we're moving forward now.
We can't do anything about thepast.
I don't like the phrase alsolike just let it go.
Well, that's not very helpfulbecause there's a lot that needs
(27:04):
to be processed, but I wouldsay, try to give it some time
and space, but not all of yourtime and space.
Ashley (27:11):
Yeah, I agree with that.
And I think it's, we almost havethis all or nothing mindset.
It's like either I let it all goor I'm stuck in it where it's
like two things can be true.
It's like you can be emotionalabout whether it's happy, sad,
mad, whichever you're feelingabout the past, but also be
like, and now what, I cancoexist with both feelings and
(27:35):
trying to find that new normalof like, Finding love, finding
peace.
Lindsay (27:39):
I agree.
And this is like speaking to thepoint you made about extremes.
I think that the way I'velearned to look at healing now
is it's micro healing.
So it's every day I can readsomething or I can listen to a
podcast and that makes me thinkabout, my past or how I was
raised and I can accept and Ican let go a little bit, right.
But something also could happen.
Like someone yells at me or Idon't have the best interaction
(28:01):
with a person that reminds me ofsomething from my past.
So here we go.
I'm healing.
Something that really isconnected to the past, not so
much the present, but it feelslike it's in the present and
it's just like everything.
I feel like we.
Microheal every single day andsort of accept things as they
come, we feel our feelings as weneed to, and that's a better
(28:21):
approach than like, okay, I'mgoing to do 10 years of therapy,
figure the past out, then I'mgoing to start working on my
happiness.
It doesn't work that way.
It's very organic, right?
We have to sort of go with thatflow, but I like the idea of
like, no one doesn't have to beextreme.
Just do a little every day and alittle might be five minutes and
that is just better than zero.
It's better than stuffing it or.
(28:42):
Denying.
Ashley (28:43):
I think that's exactly what you said, but it's like
thinking about that happinessof, Oh, I'll do it tomorrow.
Well, it's like, eventually thattomorrow isn't going to come, we
don't want to keep putting offour happiness and putting off
our peace for this, like quoteunquote one day where it's like,
we have to try to figure out, amI going to want to, Think about
(29:04):
or be stuck feeling.
Or that I don't love myself orthat I'm not worthy or it's
like, do I really want to be inthis moment and create the life
from this day forward and enjoythe time that I have finding
that.
Lindsay (29:17):
It's true.
I think that's another conceptwe're sold.
Like happiness is big.
Happiness is like the wedding,the big job, the degree and it's
like happiness for me hasactually been none of those
things.
It's been very little and verymuch out of my control.
The moments that surprised me,the things that I could not have
seen coming, the problems thatjust worked out or serendipitous
(29:39):
moments.
You can't plan for that stuffthat just happens.
And I think what has helped meis to really ground myself in
gratitude, because I feel likeif I focus on happiness, that's
very much outside and may or maynot happen.
But what's in my control is thisidea of gratitude, like every
day.
(29:59):
There's something I can bethankful for.
That's sort of my first step.
So I can be thankful for a goodsleep.
I can be thankful for someone'ssmile or kindness.
I can be thankful that for me, Ihave my own business.
So somebody's paid or thescheduling worked out or
whatever it is.
Like I am thankful.
And from that place, I feel likethe result is happiness.
(30:20):
Yeah, for the happiness, right?
But I agree with you.
It's like happy now.
And if you're not happy, thatgoes back to the responsibility
being on you.
Well, what do you need to dothen?
Can you make a change?
Because I'm pretty sure we can.
We have a lot of choices.
Maybe it's just changing yourmindset.
Maybe it's taking a break, maybeit's booking something like a
trip or planning something forthe future that just starts to
(30:42):
create like really good andexcited energy.
I feel like there's alwayssomething.
I do believe that even in thedarkest day I've been, well,
here I am, at least I'm aware,at least I'm, you know, paying
attention.
I'm learning something.
I think that grounding ourselvesin gratitude has been very
helpful for me.
Ashley (30:59):
Even thinking about our parents like these conversations
never happened for theirgeneration.
They weren't told to be thinkingabout gratitude.
They weren't really sold onmental health and if it was, it
was so stigmified in such anegative way.
That I feel like I am sograteful for this day and age
where it's like, we have thetools to access books and
(31:21):
eBooks, or there's companieslike please notes that have
meditation, sticky notes thatyou can put on your mirror.
If you struggle with coming upwith like mantras and things
like that, there are talktherapies or lots of different
therapies that now we do havethose tools so accessible to us,
but not saying like, You know,take them or you're awful, but
(31:42):
it's like you really don't havethe excuse to say I don't know
where to start because there areso many different resources
available now where I'm gratefulthat we have those.
Lindsay (31:53):
Yeah, me too.
And I think my parents probablyhate me because I'm constantly
sending them books.
This will help you understandme.
I say, or this is probably like,you know, a good book on
parenting.
You should read it.
I don't know if they read thesebooks.
I don't know what they think,but I'm kind of joking, but I
think that I have learned that.
(32:14):
You have to look at almost likea timeline and be like, well,
let's look at the context of howwe were raised.
None of this existed.
There was no internet.
There was no information.
We weren't learning so fast.
We didn't have as many choices.
So I can look at them in maybe amore compassionate way and say,
look, there was four of us too.
And it was like a pretty intensetime I'd say for them, but they
(32:37):
did the best that they could.
And thankfully they're stillaround and we can have these
conversations.
They're both really open totalking about it, but you're
right.
We have not only resources, butwe have free resources.
There's a lot, you do not needto pay money for a therapist.
I think it's great if you can,and it's great if you can pay.
I pay for a lot of professionalsupport, and I'm very thankful,
and I know that's privilege.
But I also know if I didn't havethat, I know where the app is.
(33:01):
I know where to go online.
I know how to, you know,cultivate friendships where that
can be my support circle.
I feel like you're right.
I am very thankful for what wehave and that the dialogue is
changing.
The choices are expanding.
There are so much for us.
I don't, this might sound harsh,but I feel like there's no
excuse for not growing.
(33:21):
Yeah,
Ashley (33:22):
I agree.
And thinking about our parents,like my parents are both gone,
but we actually, my daughter andI live with my grandmother.
So my daughter's great and it'shealing slash kind of
frustrating in some ways thatLike my daughter will do
something that maybe is not agood choice and my grandmother's
(33:43):
like these things happen orshe'll do it differently this
time where when I was her age, Iwould have gotten a mad like a
lecture, she would have beenpassive aggressive and through
that decision in my face six.
Months later or whatever that itis kind of like healing to be
like, okay Well behaviors canchange and just because they
were this way for you Doesn'tmean that that's who they are.
(34:07):
at their core.
Do you know what I mean thatthey can be different and it is
sort of like my daughter and Iliterally laugh about it Because
I'll be like if that were me,this is what she would have said
to me But it's kind of alsohealing in a sense to see that
she's not treating my daughterthe same way.
And it wouldn't have necessarilybeen like horrible treatment,
but at the time felt like, oh,that's so harsh and whatever.
(34:30):
But it's just, it's also takingthe time to forgive those people
and see it in the moment.
Yeah.
Lindsay (34:39):
And I think you could be really explicitly angry with
your grandma, or you could justsay, you know what, she learned
something.
She's changed.
It's different.
All these years have passed.
So she's not a mom anymore, likenot an immediate mom, let's say,
and she's grown.
And I like how you said we laughbecause I think that's something
I'm learning.
(35:00):
Gosh, do I take thingsseriously?
And everything is like analyzedand picked apart and I try to
make so much sense of it, butI'm not sure that that's loving
and I'm not sure that that'shelpful.
I think sometimes it's reallygood just to have, you know,
that step back experience or theperspective where you're like,
you know what, that is kind offunny.
I always think God's laughing atus because we try to control
(35:21):
everything so carefully.
And he's like or she, who knows?
You have no idea what I have instore for you.
So why don't you just enjoy yourlife?
Like kick your feet up, relax,you know, be chill about it.
And I think, yeah, I probablycan take that message too.
Like it is what it is.
You accept some things, youchange some things.
We're all doing the best that wecan.
I know that.
I just know when I disconnectfrom myself.
(35:42):
When I'm not loving myself, whenI'm not giving myself enough
time, when my boundaries get alittle bit blurred, I am not
good to myself, but I'm not goodto anyone.
And so those are just remindersfor me, like, wait, I think my
first instinct is to blamepeople for not loving me more.
And I'll go back to thebeginning.
And then my second instinct islike, wait, that's my job.
(36:04):
Maybe I'm not loving myselfenough.
And I actually got this fromMichelle Obama.
I don't know if you read herbook, Becoming.
It was a while.
Do you remember, I think it's atthe end where she was saying she
finally got Barack to go tocouples therapy and she was so
excited because she's like, Ohgood, the therapist is going to
see it's his fault that he isnot doing enough to make me
(36:26):
happy.
And she was obviously shockedand surprised when the therapist
was like, but Michelle, it'syour job to make you happy.
What are you going to do?
Cause Barack actually makeshimself happy.
And I feel like that was areally good eye opening
experience for me, oh right, ifI'm happy first, if I love
myself first.
(36:46):
I can then love otherswholeheartedly in a more genuine
way, probably with a lot moreacceptance and self compassion
because I think I can be reallyjudgy when I'm judging myself,
when I'm disconnected frommyself.
And so I just remember, I don'tremember much of the rest of the
book, but when I read that, Iwas like, that is good.
Be happy, do what makes youhappy and you're not outsourcing
(37:12):
the happiness.
You're not putting that onsomeone else.
You're not complaining thatthey're not doing enough to meet
your needs.
That's your job now.
Ashley (37:20):
I 100 percent agree with that because it really is.
When you feel more at peace withyourself, then if somebody says
something snarky to you, it iseasier to let it roll off your
shoulder.
You don't carry that in the sameway as when you're like.
Telling yourself that you suckall the time or you're being so
mean to yourself and thensomebody else does something and
(37:41):
you're like, yep We deserve thisand then you just project it
more So it really is once youfocus on yourself And I feel
like this is why theseconversations are so important
because it's like we need to bereminded It's okay to think
about yourself.
It's okay to put yourself firstIt's okay to focus on what makes
you happy that it doesn't haveto always be giving giving
(38:02):
giving And I think that it isthat accountability that we
can't make somebody make us feela certain way.
You can have a great spouse.
You can have a loving family.
But if you don't feel it withinyourself, you're not going to be
able to accept that love.
And so you're always going to bespending the energy looking for
something.
And that can be a really lonely,harsh place.
Lindsay (38:25):
So true.
But I think also if you'relooking for someone, it's like
You're not spending the timeinvesting in yourself.
So what do you have to offerthat person?
So now you're sort of, I don'twant to say needy, but maybe a
bit more dependent than you needto be.
We have come to believe thatself love, self care is selfish.
I'm not sure if people wouldstill say this, maybe self
(38:46):
indulgent sometimes, maybe alittle narcissistic even, but I
don't think any, I for sure, I'mnot saying.
Love yourself first and loveyourself only because I talked
about three circles.
I did say, you know, we have acenter circle and I did joke
that I don't enjoy all peopleall the time.
Ashley (39:07):
I think that's fair.
I don't think we have to enjoyall people all the time.
Right.
Lindsay (39:11):
And sometimes it's hard.
Maybe I'm a sensitive to people.
I don't know, but I feel like Inever, I never say that.
I don't say love yourself first.
And then that's the stop point.
It's actually very organic.
But what I will always say islove yourself first, before you
love others, before you do thebig projects and, find your
passion, purpose, make adifference in the world, all
(39:31):
that really beautiful stuff.
But I'm always kind of preachingthe order.
We have to get the order right,or we're just pleasing people,
serving people, becoming whothey want us to be, and then
we're empty, we've disconnectedfrom our true selves, that's not
going to last.
Our mental health will struggle,we will be tired, we might be
(39:53):
bitter and resentful, that's notgood.
So I think the health positionis like that inside out like me
first, and then, we get biggerand bigger as we grow and as we
go but.
It's not selfish at all, ifanyone feels that, I hope that
they have been convincedotherwise.
Ashley (40:08):
Yes, I hope so too.
And one thing that I do justwant to mention that Lindsay has
been very gracious, and she'smaking this ebook free for all
of the listeners for April.
The link for it will be in theshow notes, but I just wanted to
say thank you for that.
Lindsay (40:26):
Oh my gosh it is my pleasure.
I love creating.
It's probably what makes mehappy.
I think that it's a form of selflove and I love designing and I
love just putting ideas outthere, especially ones I've
grappled with because I feellike, if I've struggled I'm sure
it's going to help someone elsethrough their struggle too.
Ashley (40:42):
I think that's a really important thing.
We don't have to feel alone orashamed or embarrassed in our
struggle.
And the more that we say, thiswas something that I did
struggle with this, this wassomething hard for me.
I feel like it also allows otherpeople to be like, yeah, that
was hard.
And that we don't have to havethat individual like shame or
pain with it, because it's like,we all are human.
(41:04):
There are going to be thingsthat are hard.
There are going to be thingsthat we just don't excel at.
And it's like just acceptingthat that's okay.
And being Open and honest withpeople.
I think can have such a rippleeffect that not only does it
help me, but it helps them andthen it can help people on a
broader scale.
And you definitely do that withyour the work that you do with
the girls.
(41:24):
Well, the girls and boys, right?
Lindsay (41:26):
Girls and boys and women.
I think also I've learned a lotabout shame.
And I think one of the thingsthat has helped with shame and
not feeling it is just to talk,like you said, and share
stories.
And when you get someone thateither understands it and shows
empathy or can really say, yeah,me too.
Like, I get it.
I've been there.
Well, then we're not ashamedbecause we've just normalized
(41:46):
the human experience, whicheveryone goes through all these
things.
The worst thing you can think ofyourself or what you've done,
somebody else has done it first.
We are not that special anindividual.
And I feel like just hearingthat, I mean, I just think it
takes a lot of courage, but whenI hear people tell their stories
right away, it's like, I lovethat I feel closer to them.
(42:06):
I feel like I'm jumping intovulnerability and I think, thank
goodness, like I am not alone inthis and we have each other.
That's the point of community.
That's great.
I
Ashley (42:17):
think that that community part is so important
and it's like just being realwith people and I always
appreciate.
Like, if you check in withpeople, it's like, I don't want
to surface answer.
I really want to know, like, ifI say, Hey, how's it going?
Or, Hey, you know, what's yourweek looking like?
I think so much of the time wewant to be like, Oh, it's fine.
How's yours?
And it's like, you could bemasking or bottling so much up
(42:40):
between that, that I think it'sjust important to, that we be
real with each other.
And you like build thatconnection.
You build that truth and honestywith people so that you don't
have to feel like you're hidingwithin yourself.
Lindsay (42:52):
We can maybe end with another Starbucks story, because
this just happened, but I wentto Starbucks in the week, this
must have been the afternoon,and the barista met me, very
friendly guy, and he said, how'syour day so far?
And I paused for just a second,but he was very friendly and
smiley, and I think he asked,and I said, actually, So see you
(43:13):
It's been really bad and I thinkI probably was smiling because I
have learned to be like, youknow, I'm good or smile and like
pretend everything's fine, but Isaid, not good.
And he, I said, Oh, you asked, Ishould probably shouldn't be
answered that way.
And he's like, no, I askedbecause I really do want to
know.
And he took a few minutes and helet me.
You know, I unpacked a little ofit at least and he was just a
(43:36):
bit genuinely caring, genuinelyunderstanding.
And I really thanked him becauseI think most people are
superficial.
I don't like it either.
I do very poorly with chitchator talking about the weather or
something.
I just don't really care about.
Like, I want to know, like,like, how are you feeling?
What's on your mind?
What's stressing you out?
I know it's Starbucks andthere's like social
(43:56):
appropriateness, but I reallyappreciated that he asked and
that I took that step into,talking.
And it turned into like a bit ofa funny story.
Cause all the other baristaswere like, Oh, we asked that
question once.
And the lady said, I just gotdivorced.
And then the other person said,I just lost my job.
And I'm like, you guys, you haveto be careful, like ask the
question, but maybe be ready togive them a free drink or
(44:18):
something that makes them feelbetter.
And they were like, Oh, All thepeople liked it though because
they said they felt better thatthey could share stuff with us.
I thought, that's so great.
I'm glad I said it.
I mean, it did help me and theday did get better, but yeah, it
was interesting that I clearlydon't like to keep it super
superficial.
Ashley (44:35):
No.
And I think that's so important.
And I do hope that some of thosepeople did get a free drink.
Lindsay (44:41):
I think they said they did.
And I was like, Oh, good.
That's a risky question, butHey.
Ashley (44:47):
But again, I think working with the general public,
it's like you are taught, youknow, expect the unexpected.
And so hopefully that they wouldkind of be used to handling both
sides.
So
Lindsay (44:58):
I feel like they've been trained in this.
Every time I go in, they want toknow more and I actually like,
okay, cheap therapy.
I just paid.
Ashley (45:07):
Exactly.
Lindsay, thank you so much forhaving this conversation with me
today.
Thank you, Ashley.
I really enjoyed it.
Can you let everybody know ifthey are looking for you online
where they can find you?
Lindsay (45:20):
Yes, they can go to my website, which is lindsaysealy.
com, and they can find me onInstagram, which is at bold new
girls.
Ashley (45:30):
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for joining ustoday for this episode of the
filled up cup podcast.
Don't forget to hit subscribeand leave a review.
If you like what you hear, youcan also connect with us at
filledupcup.com Thanks again fortuning in and we'll catch you in
(45:52):
the next episode.
Welcome to the filled up cuppodcast.
We are a different kind of selfcare resource, one that has
nothing to do with bubble bathsand face masks and everything to
do with rediscovering yourself.
We bring you real reviews,honest experiences, and
unfiltered opinions that willmake you laugh, cry, and most
(00:21):
importantly, leave you with afilled up cup.
Ashley (00:30):
I am very excited.
I have Lindsay Sealey joining meagain today.
Thank you for coming back on myshow.
Thank you for having me.
We are going to discuss hernewest ebook, which is called
Wild About You.
Can you tell us a little bitabout the inspiration for Wild
About You and where that camefrom?
Lindsay (00:49):
Yes, this might sound like a very strange story, but I
am an avid Starbucks fan.
Customer and one day I wasgetting my coffee and I think
they had just put out it musthave been the valentine's cards
and I saw a little heartStarbucks card that goes on your
keychain and it said wild aboutyou so it was aesthetically
pleasing.
It was really multicolored andpretty, but I think what struck
(01:13):
me was.
The idea, like I spent some timethinking about it, and I could
say I appreciate myself and Ilike myself, maybe love myself,
but I have never once had thethought or the language, I'm
wild about me, I think it justmust have impacted me like, is
that even possible to be wildabout yourself, or even to be
(01:35):
wild about someone else likeit's such a bold statement, and
I think it just resonated withme and I thought about it and
reflected about it and thought,you know what, if I need to hear
that, and this is having such aneffect on me, I bet you others
need to hear it too.
And so I started to unpack theidea of self love and what that
means.
Ashley (01:53):
I love that inspiration can really come at any point for
us, but it's almost like thoseaha moments because it really
is.
We talk about, you know, selflove and self compassion, but it
does seems such a challengingconcept in some ways.
So to really think like I couldbe wild about myself and be so
in love with myself.
(02:13):
I don't know why it seems sohard, but it does seem like a
hard idea to wrap My head arounda little bit, and I think
potentially it could be like, aswomen, we are genetically wired
to care so much about otherpeople that we just give and
give and give that I feel likeat the end of the day, a lot of
the times it can feel like wedon't have a lot to give to
(02:33):
ourselves.
So this idea that we should bethinking about ourselves more
and be, in love with ourselvesand have those feelings I think
is so needed and so important.
Lindsay (02:43):
I think that's true.
And I just, I think I'mgrappling with like most people,
why is that so hard?
Like you think it would be themost natural thing.
I believe we're born.
loving ourselves a hundredpercent and yet flash forward
into your 20s 30s 40s and beyondand it's like sometimes it's not
even a thought that you shouldlove yourself sometimes you
don't even feel like you'reworthy of that love so i think i
(03:06):
went pretty deep with thestarbucks card which i just
thought of now ashley is likeIt's probably a card for,
obviously, like, someone youlove.
And I thought, wild about you,like, I would give you the card
because I'm wild about you.
But I didn't actually think ofthat first.
I just thought, wild about you,like, me.
Like, anyway I, I took it selflove, not romantic love or any
(03:27):
other kind of love.
I think it's something I'vealways grappled with, been very
challenged to love myself.
And something that, you know,I'm still trying to Sort out.
I think I'm getting closer, butI think that it resonated with
me because I was so far from theidea of wild about myself.
Ashley (03:45):
When do you think that changes?
Like I know, I believe that tooas kids, we do think we're
awesome.
Look how fast I can run, lookhow high I can jump, like there
is that like, I'm so cool.
Do you think it's more in theteen years when like hormones
and insecurity changes that itkind of comes in?
Or when do you think thatchanges for us?
Lindsay (04:05):
I do think it's individual and obviously, like
any idea, there's so manyfactors, you know, how you're
raised and how you're treatedspecifically.
How much stress or trauma is inthe household.
If there's addictions, like Ithink it's very dependent on a
lot, but if I think of myexperience and now with the
girls that I'm coaching, I dobelieve that we're born a
(04:25):
hundred percent in love withourselves.
We know ourselves, we loveourselves.
And we don't even have to blinkin terms of getting our needs
met.
You know, I'm hungry, I'mthirsty, I'm sad.
You know, we just do it sobeautifully and so intuitively.
And I think what happens is thatwe start to grow.
(04:45):
Let's just say ballpark.
It's like.
Age 567, we become aware of thefact that we're not the center
of the universe and that thereare other people.
And those other people may loveus, may give us what we need,
and they may not.
But what we need most, this is asurvival mechanism for all
humans, is we need connection.
(05:07):
And we will work really hard tokeep connection at all costs.
And so I think what happens,let's say we're not getting our
needs met, So, let's say youknow, we notice that when we are
good, or when we're helpful, orwhen we please our parents,
they.
applaud that or they say, oh,that's so great.
And we feel like, oh, that's thelove.
(05:28):
So we learn to do more of thatto get love, even though we
might want to say somethinglike, look, I've had a really
bad day or I'm sad or I'm mad atyou, but we don't.
So we learn to be somebody toshow what people need to take
care of what they need because.
(05:48):
We need to survive.
I, as a kid, most kids do notwant to die, and they don't want
their parents to leave them.
That is such a strong fear thatI think it's slow, but, and it's
not intentional, it's againstsurvival, it's instinctive.
I think we start to disconnect.
And you do it little by little,so now you're pleasing people,
(06:10):
you're like being who they wantyou to be, you're making sure
your feelings, your needs, yourdesires, they're not too big,
maybe just a little here andthere, but you don't want to ask
too much, you don't want to betoo loud, you don't want to be
too demanding, too sad, toowhatever.
And I feel like that thenbecomes our new identity, even
though if we looked back like amovie, we would say, Oh no,
(06:33):
that's not your true identity.
You're holding back.
You're becoming smaller.
You're thinking less and less ofyourself.
So I think it's slow, right?
And then yes, we get into theteen years.
Of course, that's exasperated bygrowth and peer pressure and a
lot of other dynamics.
And I think it's just almostlike a path we get on.
(06:53):
That we don't even know we're onand that we learn later with
more self awareness and maybesome extra support.
We learn that it's probably notthe best path and we then start
to journey back to ourselves andour true selves.
Ashley (07:07):
Which is so heartbreaking in a sense to
really think about because thatis totally what happens.
I think for a lot of peoplemaybe that's why you kind of hit
those like early 20s in yourlife.
Who am I, and how do I figurethis out without falling into
those rabbit holes of I wantthis boy to like me, so I'm
going to behave this way.
(07:27):
I want to still have aconnection with my parents, so
I'll Play this role and reallydivide yourself into all of
these little boxes in a sense.
Lindsay (07:36):
Yeah, it's hard when it's just the norm like everyone
does it and the expectationsthere whether it's from our
parents or society and we're allgiven those messages like no one
is immune to this.
that we look for love.
So I'm going to look for love.
Like, I'm not feeling happy, butI'm going to find it.
I'm going to find it in a job, arelationship, a certain weight
my beauty or youth or whatever.
(07:58):
And I think it's a really goodidea.
Like, Hey, I need something.
I'm going to look for it.
But I don't think that's correctbecause I think, well, from my
experience, I have got therelationship.
I've got a certain level ofstatus or money or fitness or
whatever.
But the feeling didn't followand I was like, what?
I thought I would feel for surelike this was love or happiness
(08:20):
or I'd be so proud of myself andI wasn't.
And so I think that.
We're looking to like fill up orlike that someone's going to
fill us, but we're not full orwe're looking to be completed.
I know it's a common phrase,quote unquote, but we're not
complete on our own.
So this search is this falseidea because what we're looking
for is not out there.
(08:42):
But it's what we're taught.
It's how we're trained.
It's like a sales pit.
Like, oh, it sounds so good.
It has such appeal.
Like it's got to be theresomewhere.
And I keep changing andsearching and striving.
And I think no wonder we're allso tired when the answer is
right here.
Like right here and for me thatpeople might understand this or
(09:03):
get this awareness way youngerthan I did, but I don't think I
really got that until maybe 40.
I think I spent a lot of my timeblaming people that I wasn't
happy and I outsourced myhappiness.
I was always looking for ituntil I realized, wait a second,
I can't keep blaming people.
Like I have a certainaccountability for my life.
And if I want to be happy and Iwant to find this love or be
(09:26):
this love in myself, I have todo the work.
I have to create that love.
And that's probably where I'm atnow.
Some people, maybe they gotthere in their twenties and good
for them.
Like I'm genuinely happy forpeople that get it sooner.
Cause I think, Oh, I didn'twaste life, but I think I did
search.
I was a searcher.
Ashley (09:44):
I think I was a searcher too.
And maybe it was our generation.
of basically being sold thatmessage a little bit harder.
I think I'm very grateful for,say, the younger generation,
because they are being givenmessages of that mindset of
like, you do have all theanswers, you can trust yourself.
And I think trusting yourselfcan be really, really hard,
(10:05):
especially You know, dependingon like the nature and nurture
versions of like what you grewup in and having that confidence
to be like, I got this.
I really do think in a lot ofcases, it does come with having
a fully formed cortex andgetting over insecurities, which
I think really does starthappening in like late thirties,
forties and beyond for somepeople that I think it's
(10:27):
unfortunate that we have to.
I don't know, get in our ownways and struggle and not be
able to see it until we see it,but I really do think that with
age and wisdom kind of comes tothe point where it's like, I
love myself and I got this andyou just feel more, I don't
know, confident in yourabilities.
Lindsay (10:47):
Yeah.
And maybe in that sense, Thestruggle is necessary.
I mean, this is life.
We know that there's hardthings.
There's hard days.
There's hard seasons and I don'tthink I can have regret or say I
wasted so much time because Ilearned maybe I learned what
doesn't make Me happy or Ilearned, you know, someone's not
gonna treat me well, but Atleast I know what healthy
(11:07):
treatment is, and I can treatmyself that way, or start, you
know, surrounding myself withhealthier people, so I think
there's probably a lot of, goldin these lessons, it's just like
any life lesson, I don't thinkthey're easy, I think they're
really hard, but I think we getBetter, probably faster.
And just more well balanced,well rounded, whole, smarter,
(11:29):
like all that really good stuff.
Ashley (11:31):
It's like letting ourselves off the hook for when
it feels hard to feel gratefulfor it being hard.
Like when we're struggling withsomething, whether it ends up
having good or bad.
Going forward, it really is hardto look at it in the moment and
be like, this is going to beawesome because it doesn't feel
awesome.
Lindsay (11:47):
That is so true.
Every so often I catch myself inmoments of stress and now I can
at least acknowledge it, whichis really good and better than I
used to be because I used tojust deny it and Sort of punish
myself for it or work harder,but now I catch it and it must
have been on Instagram orsomething I've read, but it's
like, you know, when it's hard,it means you're growing when
it's hard, it's working whenit's hard, something better is
(12:09):
coming.
I do try to instill thosemessages in myself because I
think of course something goodhas come going to come of this
because I'm putting in the timeI'm putting in the effort.
So I think hard is hard, buthard is also really good.
And I think that.
Mindset is very helpful becausewe can't expect life is always
going to be easy or good andwe're always going to be 100
(12:29):
percent in love or healthy or,kind to ourselves.
But I think that it is thegrowing pains that is becoming
something and I've just learnedto trust in that process.
Ashley (12:40):
Which is really fair too.
And I think it is having thatmindset because I do think it's
really easy to get caught up inthe I guess I'm like in a victim
mindset or like blaming otherpeople and to some degree, we
can't necessarily magicallychange every situation in the
situation.
But we do have possibilities wecan, you know, end the bad
(13:01):
relationship we can find adifferent job, we can save up
and maybe move to a differentplace like we do still have
options out there, but it'simportant to not feel like.
Your struggle is all you're evergoing to have and that you're
stuck in that moment, even ifthat's how it feels at times,
Lindsay (13:18):
I think it's really hard to face, I would call those
truths, like to finally come tothe realization like wait, I am
not happy.
I am not healthy.
I don't feel like I'm in chargehere.
It's just really uncomfortable.
Like, it's very easy to be like,I'm just not going to think
about it.
I'm just going to keep my job.
And I've often leaned on, Ishould be grateful.
(13:38):
Like, this is a pretty goodlife.
Who am I to complain about?
And then I start comparingmyself to people who are so much
worse as a way to justify that Idon't have to think about my
hard thing.
But I think I've just learned,like, it's okay to be
uncomfortable.
You don't have to think about it24 7, like, you can think about
it sometimes, but it's importantto try to stand in that truth,
(13:59):
to come to that realization,which you might be able to call
also, like, surrender.
You're just like, look, this ishard, and even when I said a few
minutes ago, just being able tosay, I am stressed, it's a bit
of a relief, so you're notholding it.
You're not trying to change it,or distort it, or deny it.
You're just there.
In the stress, or in thediscomfort, and I think those
(14:21):
truth moments are really hard,but from my experience, again,
I've always come out of themrelieved, thankful, maybe ready
to change, ready to dosomething, definitely ready to
accept, my part, and what'shappening, and then you're kind
of free, like you've letyourself off the hook, you're
like, okay, this is it, here Igo, you might be able to turn it
(14:42):
into even something positive,like, once I'm in truth, and I'm
free, then what am I going todo?
The questions maybe like whatnow?
What's next?
Yeah, exactly.
That can position us in a prettystrong place.
Ashley (14:57):
Well, I don't know about you, but it's like, what you're
saying when you bottle it up oryou try to avoid it, it doesn't
actually make it go away.
It's still there and it's stillwaiting to be acknowledged.
But when you say like, Oh, I'mstressed, I'm sad, I'm mad.
This sucks, whatever you'refeeling, it almost takes like
the pin out of the bubble,because then it's like, you are
(15:18):
dealing with it, you are lettingit go.
And then you don't have to carryit anymore.
Lindsay (15:23):
Yeah.
And the other place we go, Ithink is, this might be more
true of women, but we go to aplace of self blame.
Like what did I do?
It must be my fault.
And if you just kind of follow aself blame journey, that might
be that, you know, You say yesto everyone, like you let go of
your boundaries, or you stoptaking care of your health, or
(15:44):
you just get so busy, or you'remaybe just mean to yourself,
like your self talk is reallynegative, or you continuously
seek people who are not yourpeople, they're not that good to
you, and I feel like I try tocatch myself now when I'm mean
and punishing and cruel becausethat's the opposite of what self
love is.
It's like you're going in thewrong direction.
(16:05):
So to kind of catch it is reallygreat and to replace it like,
wait a second, I'm overextendingright now.
I can't, I need some time for meor I've stopped doing the things
that bring me joy.
So I'm going to actually bringback joy or I think I've had it
with these people or thisperson.
Because They're not respectingme or I don't feel very good
(16:25):
when I'm with them.
So I'm going to fade away or I'mgoing to start looking for other
people that really value me.
And I think if we can catch thatself blame spiral.
And know that that's not true.
No one deserves punishment andreally I don't know, like
depriving yourself of any loveor any attention or any time or
nurturing what we deserve isself love.
(16:46):
That's what we're born into.
So can we get back to that?
I really love circles and Ithink of our journey in circles.
Cause I don't think we can livewithout people sometimes I want
to, but okay.
So we have a world of people andwe have to try to like navigate
this one.
Right.
But I think of it ourselves in.
As a series of three concentriccircles.
So that smallest circle, that'syour circle.
(17:09):
You own it.
You can stand in it strong,proud.
You feel your feelings, thinkyour thoughts, dream your
dreams.
That is yours.
You can come back there anytime.
That is where you get your.
Peace and your self love andyour groundedness and you're
also boundaried because it's acircle so you can decide who and
what You want in your circle andout of your circle and I feel
(17:29):
like speaking of fulfillmentfirst I feel like you want to
make sure that you're good youdo whatever you need to do for
me.
It's the morning I reallyoptimize mornings, but you take
care of your needs like youmight need to exercise You might
need to meditate.
You might need good foods.
You might need just some quiettime Whatever you need to do.
So when you go out in the worldand now we're getting into the
(17:50):
second circle in the series ofthree, then you're interacting
with people from a strongerplace.
So I am loving myself and I'mcaring for myself and I'm
speaking nicely to myself.
And so I probably have more togive other people, but I'm also
probably much more stronger.
In boundary setting where I candetect when there's some
toxicity or some mistreatmentbecause I'm good.
(18:12):
I've done my work, right?
I feel like it's in that order.
So me first and then others.
And then the final circle, whichI think we probably get to too
fast sometimes and we're notready.
The final circle is like seeingbeyond ourselves, the bigger
picture or the, like the me tome.
So now we're looking like, howcan I serve people?
(18:32):
How can I give more?
How can I be an inspiration forother people?
But I think every day I think ofit this way, like, me first, and
then if I have some extraenergy, others, and then if I'm
like, things are going reallygood, I've set my boundaries,
I've taken care of myself, nowI'm thinking, like, Maybe
there's an organization I candonate to.
Maybe there's someone on thestreet that just needs me to
(18:54):
stop and listen to them for afew minutes.
Maybe I can start something, Ihave some creative energy and I
think that's maybe my definitionright now of self love.
Like doing what I need to do.
Being there for people, but alsobeing there for me with people
and then seeing that biggercircle when I can get there.
I think a lot of us grow andit's like an outside in approach
(19:15):
to love.
So I'm just asking, who needshelp?
Does anyone need me?
And people are asking me forfavors and I'm just saying yes
to everything.
And then I realize, wow, mymiddle circle, my inner circle.
It's empty.
No wonder I'm feeling this way.
No wonder I'm so tired.
And I think it makes a lot ofsense.
So I really try to look at selflove as like an inside out
approach.
Ashley (19:36):
I love the fact that it makes it attainable.
Like if we focus on ourselvesfirst, if you're somebody who,
again, like me in a sense thatwe'll set like three alarms in
the morning and then you'reforcing yourself to get up out
of that third one.
If you don't make time to havethat quiet piece, maybe have a
coffee, actually eat breakfastand prepare yourself to head out
(19:57):
to the world.
It's like, are you going to feelrushed?
Are you going to feel grumpy intraffic?
Are you going to set off?
You know, somebody else that arelike, Hey, this person honked at
me or fingered me or whatever.
Are you setting a series ofnegative events or are you
setting yourself up to be like,I'm going to give myself 10
extra minutes on the highway soI can be as fast or as slow as I
(20:17):
want to.
I'm going to make sure I smilewhen I head into the office.
I'm going to ask my coworkers,Hey, how's your day?
But I also love the fact that itgives you grace that every day
is almost like hitting a reset.
If yesterday was bad if youdidn't meet that goal that you
would set yourself You havetomorrow like it doesn't have to
be an all or nothing.
Lindsay (20:37):
I do like that So first of all, I like the idea.
I think you're touching on islike this is all a choice And
this is your accountability as ahuman.
And I like to think of it as,how am I going to show up for
the world?
For people?
Well, I have to like show up forme first.
I have to do like a hundredthings probably to be able to
leave the front door.
But I think you're saying likegive ourselves grace because
(20:58):
let's say I have a bad sleep orthere's something on my mind.
I'm not in the best mood.
I don't have a good mindset.
Like I still have to go to work.
I still have to go getgroceries.
And I'm very aware.
of how I'm going to be affectingpeople, probably not smiling,
probably with some pretty not sogreat energy, right?
But I can change it if I want,if I catch it and I can course
(21:19):
correct, but I can also acceptit that I'm just human and in my
humanness, I don't have to showup for people.
So I try to like limit my peopletime, but also I can come home
and say, okay, that did not feelgood, so what changes do I need
to make?
Tonight I'm going to try to havethat better sleep.
Or I'm going to deal with thisconflict so I'm not carrying it
into, I don't want to be thetoxic person in relationships.
(21:41):
I don't want to bring thatenergy, so I feel like that's
just like, you know, there's nosuch thing as a perfect day.
I think we do the best that wecan, and there is a lot of that
grace and flexibility, but Ifeel like everything is a
learning experience.
So I can come home today.
I didn't have time for thatvolunteer work, but no kidding,
because there was barelyanything for me.
(22:01):
So I'll set intentions at nightfor the next day and I just try
again and it does start fresh.
I don't believe there's carryover.
So do it differently and seewhat happens.
Ashley (22:11):
Yeah, I think that that's one thing I really
appreciate about this ebook too,is that it gives you like a
concept, like the self love orself compassion, but it also
gives you.
Not like homework, but it givesyou like work steps to actually
figure out, how do I get tothat?
How do I understand that method?
Lindsay (22:31):
Yeah, that's something I think I really learned.
This is like a function probablyof my writing and thinking
development, but I've learnedto, of course I like to unpack
an idea and I like to explain itand I like to make it make
sense.
But I think for me, I've alwaysbeen Maybe I get to a point when
I'm reading, I'm like, okay, sowhat, like, what do I do with
all this?
(22:51):
And so the e book does havequite a bit of bullet points,
because I know everyone's busyand not everyone has time to
digest, you know, a whole pageof information, but it's like,
what does self love even looklike?
Can we name five ways to loveyourself?
Like, maybe it's It's journalingor again, moving your body or
just time.
Maybe it's a bubble bath.
Maybe it's, you know, writingout your to do's.
(23:12):
Like, what does that look likefor you?
It probably looks different thanit does for me and that's okay,
but here's a whole bunch ofideas.
Please pick something and see ifthat works for you.
If it doesn't work, do somethingelse.
If that doesn't work, dosomething else.
But I think it's supposed to befilled with ideas and you take
what you want.
Ashley (23:31):
I love that it focuses on all of the aspects.
Cause I think when we talk aboutself care, we talk about self
love.
It isn't a straight line or astreamlined process.
It really is doing that work,doing that investigation to get
kind of back to it.
And then the more that we kindof go along that journey, then
we can really go, okay, I cankeep loving myself.
(23:51):
This feeling can get strongerand we can find the joy in it.
And I feel like that childlikejoy and that wonder, and that
energy.
We do lose it at a point that weneed to remember as adults that
it's so important to stillexperience joy and create joy
for ourselves.
So I love the fact that thiswill give them the tools to be
(24:12):
able to at least start down thatjourney.
Lindsay (24:16):
Thank you.
I don't know about listeners,but I feel like I can get really
stuck in the beginning.
Like, why wasn't I loved?
Why didn't someone show me thatI was worth so much?
Why was I ignored?
Why were my needs not met?
And I think there is Time andspace for those feelings like I
(24:36):
do think it's important to honorthe past and I still have to
work through some of thesethings because we're triggered
in the present from what hashappened in the past and we
store a lot of what happened tous when we were little in our
bodies, right?
It's not really so I understandthe necessity.
I think it's necessary to goback, but I feel like we can get
stuck.
I don't like the wordvictimization.
(24:58):
It sounds wrong, but.
Just to tell ourselves, like,you know, poor me, or like, why
didn't I get love?
Like, clearly I'm not worthanything.
And I feel like I just wantedthis book to be the shift, let's
say, from yes, we canacknowledge that.
And I unpack some of the reasonswhy it's hard for us to love
ourselves.
On a societal level and on afamily level, but I think we
(25:19):
need to, try to get to thepresent.
How am I feeling now?
Is there something I could doright now in this moment?
What's the next best step?
Like, that's a really greatline, I think.
And then look forward and belike, wait, what if I made this
a practice?
What if I committed to me firstin the morning where I had five
self love tips every day or Ispent the weekends evaluating my
self love practice or whateverit is you want to commit to.
(25:41):
I think it's important that wemove forward because we count
reverse time.
I would love to go back and tellmy parents, Hey, this is what I
needed.
I was this kind of kid and maybeblame them a little like, why
didn't you do this?
It was what it was and theyparented in the way that they
knew how and they had a lotgoing on for themselves and it
was a completely differentgeneration of parenting and so
(26:02):
how is that helpful.
It's not really helpful it justmakes me sad and very frustrated
and probably a lot mad.
And so I can acknowledge itenough where I think okay that's
my truth like that is meaccepting that this happened,
but and I do like the, you know,the new movement let's say of
reparenting ourselves.
(26:22):
Okay, well, I'm a grown adult.
What do I need, and can I giveit to myself?
I can.
And then I feel good.
And then I create energy.
And then I want to keep doingit.
And then it actually transfersto a lot of areas of life,
right?
So if you love yourself, andyou're doing your self care
practice, and you're being selfcompassionate, you're going to
(26:42):
be different in yourrelationships.
You're going to show updifferently at work.
You're going to have more energyor creativity or desire to help
people.
I feel like, again, it takes meback to those circles.
It's in that order.
And I think then it's like,okay, we're moving forward now.
We can't do anything about thepast.
I don't like the phrase alsolike just let it go.
Well, that's not very helpfulbecause there's a lot that needs
(27:04):
to be processed, but I wouldsay, try to give it some time
and space, but not all of yourtime and space.
Ashley (27:11):
Yeah, I agree with that.
And I think it's, we almost havethis all or nothing mindset.
It's like either I let it all goor I'm stuck in it where it's
like two things can be true.
It's like you can be emotionalabout whether it's happy, sad,
mad, whichever you're feelingabout the past, but also be
like, and now what, I cancoexist with both feelings and
(27:35):
trying to find that new normalof like, Finding love, finding
peace.
Lindsay (27:39):
I agree.
And this is like speaking to thepoint you made about extremes.
I think that the way I'velearned to look at healing now
is it's micro healing.
So it's every day I can readsomething or I can listen to a
podcast and that makes me thinkabout, my past or how I was
raised and I can accept and Ican let go a little bit, right.
But something also could happen.
Like someone yells at me or Idon't have the best interaction
(28:01):
with a person that reminds me ofsomething from my past.
So here we go.
I'm healing.
Something that really isconnected to the past, not so
much the present, but it feelslike it's in the present and
it's just like everything.
I feel like we.
Microheal every single day andsort of accept things as they
come, we feel our feelings as weneed to, and that's a better
(28:21):
approach than like, okay, I'mgoing to do 10 years of therapy,
figure the past out, then I'mgoing to start working on my
happiness.
It doesn't work that way.
It's very organic, right?
We have to sort of go with thatflow, but I like the idea of
like, no one doesn't have to beextreme.
Just do a little every day and alittle might be five minutes and
that is just better than zero.
It's better than stuffing it or.
(28:42):
Denying.
Ashley (28:43):
I think that's exactly what you said, but it's like
thinking about that happinessof, Oh, I'll do it tomorrow.
Well, it's like, eventually thattomorrow isn't going to come, we
don't want to keep putting offour happiness and putting off
our peace for this, like quoteunquote one day where it's like,
we have to try to figure out, amI going to want to, Think about
(29:04):
or be stuck feeling.
Or that I don't love myself orthat I'm not worthy or it's
like, do I really want to be inthis moment and create the life
from this day forward and enjoythe time that I have finding
that.
Lindsay (29:17):
It's true.
I think that's another conceptwe're sold.
Like happiness is big.
Happiness is like the wedding,the big job, the degree and it's
like happiness for me hasactually been none of those
things.
It's been very little and verymuch out of my control.
The moments that surprised me,the things that I could not have
seen coming, the problems thatjust worked out or serendipitous
(29:39):
moments.
You can't plan for that stuffthat just happens.
And I think what has helped meis to really ground myself in
gratitude, because I feel likeif I focus on happiness, that's
very much outside and may or maynot happen.
But what's in my control is thisidea of gratitude, like every
day.
(29:59):
There's something I can bethankful for.
That's sort of my first step.
So I can be thankful for a goodsleep.
I can be thankful for someone'ssmile or kindness.
I can be thankful that for me, Ihave my own business.
So somebody's paid or thescheduling worked out or
whatever it is.
Like I am thankful.
And from that place, I feel likethe result is happiness.
(30:20):
Yeah, for the happiness, right?
But I agree with you.
It's like happy now.
And if you're not happy, thatgoes back to the responsibility
being on you.
Well, what do you need to dothen?
Can you make a change?
Because I'm pretty sure we can.
We have a lot of choices.
Maybe it's just changing yourmindset.
Maybe it's taking a break, maybeit's booking something like a
trip or planning something forthe future that just starts to
(30:42):
create like really good andexcited energy.
I feel like there's alwayssomething.
I do believe that even in thedarkest day I've been, well,
here I am, at least I'm aware,at least I'm, you know, paying
attention.
I'm learning something.
I think that grounding ourselvesin gratitude has been very
helpful for me.
Ashley (30:59):
Even thinking about our parents like these conversations
never happened for theirgeneration.
They weren't told to be thinkingabout gratitude.
They weren't really sold onmental health and if it was, it
was so stigmified in such anegative way.
That I feel like I am sograteful for this day and age
where it's like, we have thetools to access books and
(31:21):
eBooks, or there's companieslike please notes that have
meditation, sticky notes thatyou can put on your mirror.
If you struggle with coming upwith like mantras and things
like that, there are talktherapies or lots of different
therapies that now we do havethose tools so accessible to us,
but not saying like, You know,take them or you're awful, but
(31:42):
it's like you really don't havethe excuse to say I don't know
where to start because there areso many different resources
available now where I'm gratefulthat we have those.
Lindsay (31:53):
Yeah, me too.
And I think my parents probablyhate me because I'm constantly
sending them books.
This will help you understandme.
I say, or this is probably like,you know, a good book on
parenting.
You should read it.
I don't know if they read thesebooks.
I don't know what they think,but I'm kind of joking, but I
think that I have learned that.
(32:14):
You have to look at almost likea timeline and be like, well,
let's look at the context of howwe were raised.
None of this existed.
There was no internet.
There was no information.
We weren't learning so fast.
We didn't have as many choices.
So I can look at them in maybe amore compassionate way and say,
look, there was four of us too.
And it was like a pretty intensetime I'd say for them, but they
(32:37):
did the best that they could.
And thankfully they're stillaround and we can have these
conversations.
They're both really open totalking about it, but you're
right.
We have not only resources, butwe have free resources.
There's a lot, you do not needto pay money for a therapist.
I think it's great if you can,and it's great if you can pay.
I pay for a lot of professionalsupport, and I'm very thankful,
and I know that's privilege.
But I also know if I didn't havethat, I know where the app is.
(33:01):
I know where to go online.
I know how to, you know,cultivate friendships where that
can be my support circle.
I feel like you're right.
I am very thankful for what wehave and that the dialogue is
changing.
The choices are expanding.
There are so much for us.
I don't, this might sound harsh,but I feel like there's no
excuse for not growing.
(33:21):
Yeah,
Ashley (33:22):
I agree.
And thinking about our parents,like my parents are both gone,
but we actually, my daughter andI live with my grandmother.
So my daughter's great and it'shealing slash kind of
frustrating in some ways thatLike my daughter will do
something that maybe is not agood choice and my grandmother's
(33:43):
like these things happen orshe'll do it differently this
time where when I was her age, Iwould have gotten a mad like a
lecture, she would have beenpassive aggressive and through
that decision in my face six.
Months later or whatever that itis kind of like healing to be
like, okay Well behaviors canchange and just because they
were this way for you Doesn'tmean that that's who they are.
(34:07):
at their core.
Do you know what I mean thatthey can be different and it is
sort of like my daughter and Iliterally laugh about it Because
I'll be like if that were me,this is what she would have said
to me But it's kind of alsohealing in a sense to see that
she's not treating my daughterthe same way.
And it wouldn't have necessarilybeen like horrible treatment,
but at the time felt like, oh,that's so harsh and whatever.
(34:30):
But it's just, it's also takingthe time to forgive those people
and see it in the moment.
Yeah.
Lindsay (34:39):
And I think you could be really explicitly angry with
your grandma, or you could justsay, you know what, she learned
something.
She's changed.
It's different.
All these years have passed.
So she's not a mom anymore, likenot an immediate mom, let's say,
and she's grown.
And I like how you said we laughbecause I think that's something
I'm learning.
(35:00):
Gosh, do I take thingsseriously?
And everything is like analyzedand picked apart and I try to
make so much sense of it, butI'm not sure that that's loving
and I'm not sure that that'shelpful.
I think sometimes it's reallygood just to have, you know,
that step back experience or theperspective where you're like,
you know what, that is kind offunny.
I always think God's laughing atus because we try to control
(35:21):
everything so carefully.
And he's like or she, who knows?
You have no idea what I have instore for you.
So why don't you just enjoy yourlife?
Like kick your feet up, relax,you know, be chill about it.
And I think, yeah, I probablycan take that message too.
Like it is what it is.
You accept some things, youchange some things.
We're all doing the best that wecan.
I know that.
I just know when I disconnectfrom myself.
(35:42):
When I'm not loving myself, whenI'm not giving myself enough
time, when my boundaries get alittle bit blurred, I am not
good to myself, but I'm not goodto anyone.
And so those are just remindersfor me, like, wait, I think my
first instinct is to blamepeople for not loving me more.
And I'll go back to thebeginning.
And then my second instinct islike, wait, that's my job.
(36:04):
Maybe I'm not loving myselfenough.
And I actually got this fromMichelle Obama.
I don't know if you read herbook, Becoming.
It was a while.
Do you remember, I think it's atthe end where she was saying she
finally got Barack to go tocouples therapy and she was so
excited because she's like, Ohgood, the therapist is going to
see it's his fault that he isnot doing enough to make me
(36:26):
happy.
And she was obviously shockedand surprised when the therapist
was like, but Michelle, it'syour job to make you happy.
What are you going to do?
Cause Barack actually makeshimself happy.
And I feel like that was areally good eye opening
experience for me, oh right, ifI'm happy first, if I love
myself first.
(36:46):
I can then love otherswholeheartedly in a more genuine
way, probably with a lot moreacceptance and self compassion
because I think I can be reallyjudgy when I'm judging myself,
when I'm disconnected frommyself.
And so I just remember, I don'tremember much of the rest of the
book, but when I read that, Iwas like, that is good.
Be happy, do what makes youhappy and you're not outsourcing
(37:12):
the happiness.
You're not putting that onsomeone else.
You're not complaining thatthey're not doing enough to meet
your needs.
That's your job now.
Ashley (37:20):
I 100 percent agree with that because it really is.
When you feel more at peace withyourself, then if somebody says
something snarky to you, it iseasier to let it roll off your
shoulder.
You don't carry that in the sameway as when you're like.
Telling yourself that you suckall the time or you're being so
mean to yourself and thensomebody else does something and
(37:41):
you're like, yep We deserve thisand then you just project it
more So it really is once youfocus on yourself And I feel
like this is why theseconversations are so important
because it's like we need to bereminded It's okay to think
about yourself.
It's okay to put yourself firstIt's okay to focus on what makes
you happy that it doesn't haveto always be giving giving
(38:02):
giving And I think that it isthat accountability that we
can't make somebody make us feela certain way.
You can have a great spouse.
You can have a loving family.
But if you don't feel it withinyourself, you're not going to be
able to accept that love.
And so you're always going to bespending the energy looking for
something.
And that can be a really lonely,harsh place.
Lindsay (38:25):
So true.
But I think also if you'relooking for someone, it's like
You're not spending the timeinvesting in yourself.
So what do you have to offerthat person?
So now you're sort of, I don'twant to say needy, but maybe a
bit more dependent than you needto be.
We have come to believe thatself love, self care is selfish.
I'm not sure if people wouldstill say this, maybe self
(38:46):
indulgent sometimes, maybe alittle narcissistic even, but I
don't think any, I for sure, I'mnot saying.
Love yourself first and loveyourself only because I talked
about three circles.
I did say, you know, we have acenter circle and I did joke
that I don't enjoy all peopleall the time.
Ashley (39:07):
I think that's fair.
I don't think we have to enjoyall people all the time.
Right.
Lindsay (39:11):
And sometimes it's hard.
Maybe I'm a sensitive to people.
I don't know, but I feel like Inever, I never say that.
I don't say love yourself first.
And then that's the stop point.
It's actually very organic.
But what I will always say islove yourself first, before you
love others, before you do thebig projects and, find your
passion, purpose, make adifference in the world, all
(39:31):
that really beautiful stuff.
But I'm always kind of preachingthe order.
We have to get the order right,or we're just pleasing people,
serving people, becoming whothey want us to be, and then
we're empty, we've disconnectedfrom our true selves, that's not
going to last.
Our mental health will struggle,we will be tired, we might be
(39:53):
bitter and resentful, that's notgood.
So I think the health positionis like that inside out like me
first, and then, we get biggerand bigger as we grow and as we
go but.
It's not selfish at all, ifanyone feels that, I hope that
they have been convincedotherwise.
Ashley (40:08):
Yes, I hope so too.
And one thing that I do justwant to mention that Lindsay has
been very gracious, and she'smaking this ebook free for all
of the listeners for April.
The link for it will be in theshow notes, but I just wanted to
say thank you for that.
Lindsay (40:26):
Oh my gosh it is my pleasure.
I love creating.
It's probably what makes mehappy.
I think that it's a form of selflove and I love designing and I
love just putting ideas outthere, especially ones I've
grappled with because I feellike, if I've struggled I'm sure
it's going to help someone elsethrough their struggle too.
Ashley (40:42):
I think that's a really important thing.
We don't have to feel alone orashamed or embarrassed in our
struggle.
And the more that we say, thiswas something that I did
struggle with this, this wassomething hard for me.
I feel like it also allows otherpeople to be like, yeah, that
was hard.
And that we don't have to havethat individual like shame or
pain with it, because it's like,we all are human.
(41:04):
There are going to be thingsthat are hard.
There are going to be thingsthat we just don't excel at.
And it's like just acceptingthat that's okay.
And being Open and honest withpeople.
I think can have such a rippleeffect that not only does it
help me, but it helps them andthen it can help people on a
broader scale.
And you definitely do that withyour the work that you do with
the girls.
(41:24):
Well, the girls and boys, right?
Lindsay (41:26):
Girls and boys and women.
I think also I've learned a lotabout shame.
And I think one of the thingsthat has helped with shame and
not feeling it is just to talk,like you said, and share
stories.
And when you get someone thateither understands it and shows
empathy or can really say, yeah,me too.
Like, I get it.
I've been there.
Well, then we're not ashamedbecause we've just normalized
(41:46):
the human experience, whicheveryone goes through all these
things.
The worst thing you can think ofyourself or what you've done,
somebody else has done it first.
We are not that special anindividual.
And I feel like just hearingthat, I mean, I just think it
takes a lot of courage, but whenI hear people tell their stories
right away, it's like, I lovethat I feel closer to them.
(42:06):
I feel like I'm jumping intovulnerability and I think, thank
goodness, like I am not alone inthis and we have each other.
That's the point of community.
That's great.
I
Ashley (42:17):
think that that community part is so important
and it's like just being realwith people and I always
appreciate.
Like, if you check in withpeople, it's like, I don't want
to surface answer.
I really want to know, like, ifI say, Hey, how's it going?
Or, Hey, you know, what's yourweek looking like?
I think so much of the time wewant to be like, Oh, it's fine.
How's yours?
And it's like, you could bemasking or bottling so much up
(42:40):
between that, that I think it'sjust important to, that we be
real with each other.
And you like build thatconnection.
You build that truth and honestywith people so that you don't
have to feel like you're hidingwithin yourself.
Lindsay (42:52):
We can maybe end with another Starbucks story, because
this just happened, but I wentto Starbucks in the week, this
must have been the afternoon,and the barista met me, very
friendly guy, and he said, how'syour day so far?
And I paused for just a second,but he was very friendly and
smiley, and I think he asked,and I said, actually, So see you
(43:13):
It's been really bad and I thinkI probably was smiling because I
have learned to be like, youknow, I'm good or smile and like
pretend everything's fine, but Isaid, not good.
And he, I said, Oh, you asked, Ishould probably shouldn't be
answered that way.
And he's like, no, I askedbecause I really do want to
know.
And he took a few minutes and helet me.
You know, I unpacked a little ofit at least and he was just a
(43:36):
bit genuinely caring, genuinelyunderstanding.
And I really thanked him becauseI think most people are
superficial.
I don't like it either.
I do very poorly with chitchator talking about the weather or
something.
I just don't really care about.
Like, I want to know, like,like, how are you feeling?
What's on your mind?
What's stressing you out?
I know it's Starbucks andthere's like social
(43:56):
appropriateness, but I reallyappreciated that he asked and
that I took that step into,talking.
And it turned into like a bit ofa funny story.
Cause all the other baristaswere like, Oh, we asked that
question once.
And the lady said, I just gotdivorced.
And then the other person said,I just lost my job.
And I'm like, you guys, you haveto be careful, like ask the
question, but maybe be ready togive them a free drink or
(44:18):
something that makes them feelbetter.
And they were like, Oh, All thepeople liked it though because
they said they felt better thatthey could share stuff with us.
I thought, that's so great.
I'm glad I said it.
I mean, it did help me and theday did get better, but yeah, it
was interesting that I clearlydon't like to keep it super
superficial.
Ashley (44:35):
No.
And I think that's so important.
And I do hope that some of thosepeople did get a free drink.
Lindsay (44:41):
I think they said they did.
And I was like, Oh, good.
That's a risky question, butHey.
Ashley (44:47):
But again, I think working with the general public,
it's like you are taught, youknow, expect the unexpected.
And so hopefully that they wouldkind of be used to handling both
sides.
So
Lindsay (44:58):
I feel like they've been trained in this.
Every time I go in, they want toknow more and I actually like,
okay, cheap therapy.
I just paid.
Ashley (45:07):
Exactly.
Lindsay, thank you so much forhaving this conversation with me
today.
Thank you, Ashley.
I really enjoyed it.
Can you let everybody know ifthey are looking for you online
where they can find you?
Lindsay (45:20):
Yes, they can go to my website, which is lindsaysealy.
com, and they can find me onInstagram, which is at bold new
girls.
Ashley (45:30):
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for joining ustoday for this episode of the
filled up cup podcast.
Don't forget to hit subscribeand leave a review.
If you like what you hear, youcan also connect with us at
filledupcup.com Thanks again fortuning in and we'll catch you in
(45:52):
the next episode.
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