This week we continue our transformative conversation about sexual wholeness from a Christian perspective with Dr. Carol Tanksley. If you haven't heard Part 1 yet, listen here. Whether you're single, struggling with shame about your sexual past, or simply trying to understand how sexuality fits within your faith journey, this episode offers wisdom and practical guidance. Sexual wholeness begins with accepting this invitation to "just come" as you are, trusting that Jesus will meet you with gentleness and guide you toward healing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I believe what Jesus would say to you is just come If
you're hurting and tired.
Come If you're angry.
Just come.
If you're frustrated, if youfeel sexually frustrated, if
you're afraid that God is goingto take the good parts of your
life away from you and you'rescared to come close because he
(00:21):
might mess with you, just come.
Whatever it is, just come.
He is very gentle.
He will not leave you the wayhe finds you, but he will fully
accept you the way you are rightnow.
Just come.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Hi, friend, you're listening to Find Hope.
Here.
I'm your host, teresa Whiting.
Author, speaker, ministryleader, friend and fellow
struggler.
This is a podcast about themessy, complicated, painful
parts of life, but also thebeautiful, joy-filled hope that
(01:00):
Jesus promises.
Each week we dig deep intoGod's Word together and talk
about how his truth impacts oureveryday lives.
I'm not gonna ask you to sitwith me and have coffee, because
I seem to have my bestconversations while I'm just
doing life.
So I'd love to hang out withyou as you walk or fold laundry
or drive to work.
(01:20):
You're invited to join me inpursuing the hope God promises,
no matter where you are or whereyou've been.
I pray you always find hopehere.
Let's jump in to today'sepisode.
Welcome back, friends.
Today I'm continuing myconversation with Dr Carol
(01:43):
Tanksley.
I hope you heard last week'sepisode when she talked about
the motivations of our heart.
She dove deep into what isbehind our sexual behaviors.
She described the differencebetween sex and intimacy and the
things that our hearts mostdeeply long for.
She encouraged us to bringourselves fully to Jesus and she
(02:07):
even shared part of her ownstory.
If you haven't heard that yet,you'll want to go back and
listen to that first.
So thank you so much, even justfor sharing your story.
I appreciate that.
It's always so encouraging asyou know, I love stories to hear
somebody else's story and whereGod has brought them, and part
of your story is that you weresingle for an extended period of
(02:31):
time.
You were married, you're singleagain, and I know that there's
a lot of listeners who aresingle, and so how does a single
person steward their sexualityin a God-honoring way?
Because they still have a sexdrive?
Just because you're singledoesn't mean your sex drive
disappears.
So can you talk to that personwho's trying to figure out what
(02:54):
do I do with my sexuality as asingle?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Yeah, great question, and that was, yes, part of what
I had to deal with in lookingat this for myself.
First, I would encourage younot to hate your sexuality, not
to despise that part of you, thepart of you that is a sexual
(03:18):
being God created.
Now evil is messed with that inall kinds of ways Stuff that
has happened to you and perhapsstuff that you have done in
response, but that core part ofyou is the way God made you, and
we were talking a few minutesago about the difference between
(03:39):
intimacy and sexuality.
I would especially challenge asingle person to wrestle with
the question if you do want sexthere are some who aren't
particularly thinking about thatbut if you do, what is it that
(04:10):
you are hungry for?
We often put in the bucket ofsex drive.
That is more than biological.
We'll talk about the biological, physical, in a second, but
address the need in your soul tobe connected, to feel valued,
to feel seen and known byanother.
Jesus experienced that, andthat's a legitimate part of
(04:33):
being made in the image of God.
Your need for connection andintimacy is part of you being
made in the image of God.
How can you point that in ahealthy direction?
In my opinion, the body ofChrist has lacked a great deal
in how it has dealt with singlepeople's needs for connection.
(04:58):
There's beautiful things in thebody of Christ in so many ways,
but this is often an area oflack.
I believe the body of Christ inso many ways, but this is often
an area of lack.
I believe the body of Christ,as Jesus intended, would be the
safest and most caring place tofind true intimacy.
But, as some people would say,the authentic intimacy that many
(05:22):
people crave is more oftenfound in the basement of the
church than upstairs in thesanctuary, the basement meaning.
That's often where 12-stepprograms are held, in the
basement of the church, one to afew people who are truly
seeking to know each other andbe safe.
(05:43):
That is a real critical needfor all of us and perhaps
especially so for singles.
I would then say what do you doabout your body?
Because the physical hormonesand sex organs and all of that
is there.
Remember Jesus as a human hadsex organs and sex hormones.
(06:09):
What did he do?
First of all, there's adifference between sexual
arousal and the pursuit offulfilling that with a sexual
activity To allow the arousalpart of you to be just that you
are awake to life.
(06:30):
It is a vital force.
That's part of who God made you.
Don't despise that, but channelit, pointed in a healthy
direction.
That doesn't mean you didn'thave to take off your clothes
with somebody in bed.
The alive part of you.
Embrace that.
And then the part of you that,for some, you may like to take
(06:54):
your clothes off with somebodyin bed, point that to Jesus.
In other words, bring him rightinto the middle of that.
I will sometimes encouragepeople to sanctify, consecrate
their sex life, their sexuality,to Jesus explicitly, out loud.
(07:16):
He made that part of you.
Make him Lord of that part ofyou.
Make him Lord of that part ofyou.
If you have invited him to beyour Savior, your eternity is
secure with him.
But is he also your Lord?
Is he the Lord of your time,your money, your vocation?
Make him Lord of your sex life.
(07:37):
For people who are struggling inthis area that may look like
Jesus, for today, I again makeyou the Lord of my life, and I
specifically make you the Lordof my sex life.
For today, I determined thatfor today, my body, mind and
soul will only be used in waysthat glorify you, and you may
(07:59):
need to pray that every day,maybe several times a day.
Make it explicit inconsecrating your sex life to
Jesus and then take care of yourbody and your soul.
The caring for your body andyour soul in healthy ways, your
(08:26):
body and your soul in healthyways, make the explicit
biological sex drive more ableto be managed, to be stewarded.
12-step programs sometimes talkabout HALT.
Don't get too hungry, angry,lonely or tired.
You all know if you arestruggling with some sexual
behavior, you know you're a lotmore vulnerable to that if
you're lonely, if you're tired.
So take care of this temple ina good way.
(08:47):
As far as caring for your soul,an important thing there is
make sure you are getting theinternal nourishment that you
need, the emotional nourishment,nourishment, time with, yes,
but other things like beauty,inspiration, activity,
connection with others.
Find the nourishment your soulneeds and you will have more
(09:10):
resilience in stewarding andpointing the sexual part of you
that God made in wise andhealthy ways.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Yeah, I love that because we talk a lot about how
we are holistic beings and soall of that is intertwined and I
think sometimes we putsexuality in its own little
category, as though it's notconnected to the rest of us, and
I appreciate you talking abouthow even these other things
taking care of what we're eating, how we're nourishing ourselves
(09:41):
, if we're getting outside andbreathing fresh air and all of
those things work into a healthyhuman life, including our
sexuality.
So I love that.
One of the things you talkabout is a three-part pathway to
wholeness and I'd love for youto just touch on that.
(10:03):
I do want people to get yourbook, so I don't want you to
give away all the secrets, butcan you touch on that three-part
path to wholeness?
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Yeah, I believe this is what you're referring to.
First is an escape plan.
You will be tempted.
If anything has happened to yousexually or you have acted out
sexually or whatever in thatarena, you will be tempted.
If anything has happened to yousexually or you have acted out
sexually or whatever in thatarena, you will be tempted again
.
God does miraculous things andthere are times when he shows up
, turns the light on for you andyou are set free.
(10:34):
But that does not mean you willnot face temptation again.
If the devil were eliminatedtoday, there would still be
plenty of pathways in your brainthat would lead you in an
unhealthy direction.
So, whatever your brand ofsexual brokenness is, learn what
the triggers are for you anddevelop a robust, strong escape
(10:58):
plan of what you will do at thatmoment.
What will you do with yourphysical body if you're tempted
to go to porn, for example, ormasturbate whatever?
What will you do with your bodywhen you feel that temptation?
It might be you clean the house, you go for a run, you read a
book, you recite a scripture outloud, you go outside and put
(11:20):
your hands in the dirt.
I love dirt therapy.
There can be a million things,but plan something you will
physically do with your body,and then what will you do with
your mind?
What replacement thought willyou put in your mind to
counteract the swirling thatoften comes into our thoughts
when we get into that kind of atemptation?
(11:42):
I can think of an example of,in this case, a gentleman I
talked with and he knew thatevery Friday evening he would be
tempted.
It seemed like every Fridayevening was his pitfall.
So what his escape planincluded was, before he leaves
work on Friday, he will decidesomething specific that he is
(12:05):
going to fill his evening with,and that may include calling a
friend.
The first thing is an escapeplan.
The second part is find yourpeople.
You need at least one, andideally a small number of people
who are up in your business,who know your stuff, who will
ask you the hard questions,challenge you, encourage you,
(12:27):
pray with you, support you, walkwith you through this.
This is more thanaccountability although that, I
believe, is an important piecebut it is much more than okay.
You call up once a week and sayI failed or I didn't fail.
This is people who are in yourlife and you are in theirs.
This is hard.
(12:49):
I don't do this part of lifeeasily.
I am not naturally somebodythat gravitates to having a few
people who I'm that intimatewith.
I have to exert conscious,ongoing energy to nourish that
kind of connection.
But remember Jesus did that.
He needed it.
So one way to think about thisis who is your Peter James and
(13:10):
John?
If you don't have a Peter Jamesand John in your life, start
with one, find one prayerfullyand stick your toe in the water.
You you might have aconversation, something like God
is stretching me.
He's working on some things inmy life and he's challenged me
(13:30):
that I need to have a betterconnection with one or a few
people.
I'm wondering if you might beone of my people.
Could, I talk about somethingand just start.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Just start.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
So often you have to be the one to go first.
I think people are longing togo deep with somebody else, but
they're always afraid to gofirst.
So I love that.
So you have your escape plan.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Find your people, find your people and then pursue
intimacy with Jesus.
I talked about consecratingyour sexuality to Jesus.
Often, that's a key part ofpursuing intimacy with him.
This is different than, or morethan, reading a list of daily
(14:18):
Bible verses or going to church.
Those things can be importantand they are vital.
Teresa, you're a pastor's wifeand you and your husband, I know
, have guided people in learningabout God and worshiping God,
and that's important.
But what I'm talking about isletting your soul be seen by
(14:38):
Jesus and opening those parts ofyou to him, both in your own
closet and in the company ofother believers.
I believe God intended that itbe both.
When Jesus was here on earth, weread about the miracles and the
teaching, but there were longperiods of time when he was just
(15:01):
walking with the disciples.
For those three, three and ahalf years, they ate with him,
walked with him, there wereconversations.
They were just doing life withhim.
Can you move toward doing lifewith Jesus?
I think in part.
That needs to include a dailytime when you touch base with
(15:23):
your best friend.
What's the state of your soul?
Am I angry right now?
Okay, I'm angry.
I point that anger to God.
Am I sad or exhausted.
Okay, jesus, this is where I amright now.
Just be real with him.
Invite him into that part ofyour soul and let him be there,
(15:48):
let him speak to you so yeah, Ilove that.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
I hope that the listeners are saying yes, yes,
of course, this is what I want.
I love that you're talkingabout this relationship with
Jesus as something that's realand almost tangible, because it
is.
It is, it's part of who we are.
It's a communication.
(16:13):
It's two ways.
It's here I am, here's all ofme, here's what I'm feeling
right now.
I'm bringing everything to him.
So I appreciate that.
I think those are such greatadvice.
I'm over here furiously takingnotes as you're talking, so it's
wonderful.
I'd love to kind of turn theconversation a little bit toward
(16:34):
the person who has maybe beenreluctant to bring their sexual
story to God and maybe they'vesaid God, you can have these
areas, or even hasn't.
Even maybe that person hasn'teven known that they can, that
they can bring their story toGod.
What would you say to them?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Yeah, first of all, jesus understands that.
I have frequently asked peoplehow do you feel God feels about
you, and the standard Christiananswer might be well, I know God
loves me.
This isn't what you knowintellectually.
What does your soul feel abouthow God feels about you?
(17:20):
The most common word I get isdisappointed God.
I feel like God is disappointedin me.
That internal picture of Godneeds to be healed.
It can be, but if you arefeeling like God is angry with
you, if your internal sense ofGod is that he's angry with you,
why would you want to comeclose?
That he's angry with you, whywould you want to come close If
(17:41):
he's disappointed with you?
I may feel like I've got towork harder and clean myself up
a bit before I dare kind of comeclose, and the shame keeps you
from telling your story to otherpeople and to Jesus.
So first I would say you mayneed to borrow faith from
(18:04):
somebody else for a while whileyou stick your toe in the water
and take the next step.
If you're listening or watchingright now, I mean, take it from
Teresa and from me.
We've been there, done that.
Your story is your story.
But those of us who have walkedat least a few steps ahead can
(18:26):
say it's worth it.
So you may need to borrow alittle of that courage at first
and just start, just start.
I talked about how you mightapproach a person.
How might you approach Jesus.
I think one way is to write aletter.
(18:48):
There can be all different waysof kind of trying to let those
walls down.
But if you could see Jesus inthe room with you, what might
you say?
Write that in a letter.
Maybe that would be very scary.
Write that it's okay, he canhandle it.
(19:10):
Maybe you would be angry at him.
Maybe it would be angry at well, why didn't you prevent that
sexual abuse from happening?
Or why didn't you prevent thatrape from happening?
Or whatever?
It is okay.
Tell them.
We've got great evidence in thePsalms and many places in the
Bible that God's very bestfriends brought their worst
stuff to him.
You can let it all hang out tohim.
(19:30):
Bring that to him if you'reoverwhelmed and you don't know
where to start, say Say that Ibelieve what Jesus would say to
you is just come If you'rehurting and tired.
Come If you're angry.
Just come If you're frustrated,if you feel sexually frustrated
(19:55):
, if you're afraid that God isgoing to take the good parts of
your life away from you andyou're scared to come close
because he might mess with you,just come.
Whatever it is, just come.
He is very gentle.
He will not leave you the wayhe finds you, but he will fully
accept you the way you are rightnow.
Just come, just start.
(20:17):
He won't push you any fasterthan you're willing and ready to
go.
Just come.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Yes, yes, I love that .
I was thinking as you weretalking about the woman caught
in adultery who was brought toJesus, and he looked her right
in the eye, he forgave her andhe set her free and he accepted
her just as she was and then hesaid from now on, go and sin no
(20:49):
more.
He wasn't setting her free justfrom her shame, but from her
sin, and saying you're free tolive differently now.
But you didn't have to clean itall up before you got here, and
I love that invitation thatJesus is saying just come.
I hate it that we only have afew minutes left.
This has gone so fast.
(21:09):
So before we wrap up too much,I want to ask you how the
listeners can connect with you.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
The easiest place to find all things around, dr Carol
, is drcarolministriescomD-R-C-A-R-O-L.
Ministriescom.
And a couple things to pointout there.
Teresa, you showed the book'sexpectations and I'm so grateful
that you did.
That's been out a few monthsnow, and I just want to mention
(21:42):
again those places at the end ofthe chapters that you
referenced where I just helpwalk you through experiencing
Jesus in your story, bringing itright real to where you are.
And then you can also go to ourSexpectations site,
yoursexpectationscom.
Be sure to put the your there,because otherwise you'll go
(22:04):
someplace you don't want to goYoursexpectationscom.
You can find the book there,and we have a brand new resource
, an online digital course aswell.
So if you like to read orlisten to audio the book, the
audio book is available.
The book is available to reador listen to audio the book, the
audio book, is available.
The book is available to toread.
But if you like something alittle bit deeper, this online
(22:25):
video course 10 modules and eachof those includes a guided
scripture reflection where Iactually verbalize and walk the
reader through those places ofexperiencing Jesus in your story
, and there's some additionalresources that go along with
that course too.
So if that's how you like toconsume content and you want to
(22:47):
go a little deeper.
That course you can also findon that site.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
And I will have links to all of these things in the
show notes.
So just make sure you lookthrough the show notes.
And also I send out a weeklynewsletter every week and so if
you're on my email list, youwill get all of this information
and all of the ways you canconnect with Dr Carol through
that weekly email.
(23:11):
But in closing, I would love itand you've already said so many
beautiful, wonderful things tothe listeners and I think you've
really invited them to come toa place of healing and come to
Jesus with their whole story butif you would, at the end here,
just maybe to that listener whois feeling shame or
(23:35):
embarrassment or pain as theybegin exploring their sexual
story, would you just give onefinal word of encouragement to
them.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Jesus wants to bring you healing.
I might just take a 30-secondpause here to say we do have an
absolutely free resource.
I believe you offered to makethat available, teresa your
prescription for sexual healingGod's way.
It's just a free, downloadableguide that you can get, and I'm
(24:10):
honored to make that availableto you, and what that does is it
just helps you understand whatthe steps are to open that part
of you that may be feeling shameand brokenness.
My encouragement to you.
If you are feeling stuck andmired in that shame and and
brokenness and I'm too far gone,I there's no way.
(24:32):
Jesus sees you.
He sees you right where you are.
There is absolutely nothing youcan have done or could have
done or could do in the futurethat could or will make him love
you any less.
He just plain loves you and,frankly, you're not big enough
(24:54):
to make him not love you.
You can't make him not love youand want you, just like the
woman we referenced a bitearlier, the woman at the well.
He says come, I see you, let'sdeal with this.
I am a safe place where we candeal with all of this.
(25:15):
Just come, take your tinyflicker of courage in your heart
.
It may be very small right now,but just see it as a little
flame in your soul that, likeyou guard with your like with
your, with your hands, and justlet that flame up and just take
(25:40):
a step, just the next step, andhe will meet you and love you
and it's going to be okay.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Amen to that.
Thank you so so much for beinghere, dr Carol.
Thank you for yourencouragement and your
vulnerability and just the waysthat you are serving people in
this really tender space.
So thanks for being here.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
Thank you so much, teresa.
It's an honor, and manyblessings to you and to all your
listeners.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Thanks for listening to Find Hope here.
To find anything we mentionedon the episode, go to
TeresaWhitingcom slash listen,which is where you can find all
the show notes.
Of course, I will have links toall of Dr Carol's resources her
book, the free resource thatshe mentioned, her website and
all the ways that you canconnect with her.
(26:31):
This month we are in a seriesthat I'm entitling Sexual
Wholeness.
We talk a lot about brokennessaround here, but the truth is,
no matter what our story is andhow we come to Jesus, how
wounded or broken we've been, hecan restore and redeem our
stories and bring us towholeness.
(26:52):
I hope you're enjoying theseepisodes with Dr Slattery, dr
Tanksley.
I'm also going to beinterviewing Dr Kurt Thompson
and others.
This is a series you're notgoing to want to miss any of the
episodes for, so, with that inmind, you want to make sure that
you're following the show, andyou may even want to sign up for
my weekly podcast updates.
(27:13):
It's an email that you want toopen every week.
It tells you all the ways youcan connect with the guest, and
sometimes there's informationthat's only available to my.
Every week, it tells you allthe ways you can connect with
the guest, and sometimes there'sinformation that's only
available to my emailsubscribers.
You can sign up for the podcastupdates through the link in the
show notes.
In closing, I want to leave youwith this prayer from Romans 15
(27:34):
13.
May the God of hope fill youwith all joy and peace in
believing so that, by the powerof the Holy Spirit, you may
abound in hope.
I believe what Jesus would say to you is just come If
you're hurting and tired.
Come If you're angry.
Just come.
If you're frustrated, if youfeel sexually frustrated, if
you're afraid that God is goingto take the good parts of your
life away from you and you'rescared to come close because he
(00:21):
might mess with you, just come.
Whatever it is, just come.
He is very gentle.
He will not leave you the wayhe finds you, but he will fully
accept you the way you are rightnow.
Just come.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Hi, friend, you're listening to Find Hope.
Here.
I'm your host, teresa Whiting.
Author, speaker, ministryleader, friend and fellow
struggler.
This is a podcast about themessy, complicated, painful
parts of life, but also thebeautiful, joy-filled hope that
(01:00):
Jesus promises.
Each week we dig deep intoGod's Word together and talk
about how his truth impacts oureveryday lives.
I'm not gonna ask you to sitwith me and have coffee, because
I seem to have my bestconversations while I'm just
doing life.
So I'd love to hang out withyou as you walk or fold laundry
or drive to work.
(01:20):
You're invited to join me inpursuing the hope God promises,
no matter where you are or whereyou've been.
I pray you always find hopehere.
Let's jump in to today'sepisode.
Welcome back, friends.
Today I'm continuing myconversation with Dr Carol
(01:43):
Tanksley.
I hope you heard last week'sepisode when she talked about
the motivations of our heart.
She dove deep into what isbehind our sexual behaviors.
She described the differencebetween sex and intimacy and the
things that our hearts mostdeeply long for.
She encouraged us to bringourselves fully to Jesus and she
(02:07):
even shared part of her ownstory.
If you haven't heard that yet,you'll want to go back and
listen to that first.
So thank you so much, even justfor sharing your story.
I appreciate that.
It's always so encouraging asyou know, I love stories to hear
somebody else's story and whereGod has brought them, and part
of your story is that you weresingle for an extended period of
(02:31):
time.
You were married, you're singleagain, and I know that there's
a lot of listeners who aresingle, and so how does a single
person steward their sexualityin a God-honoring way?
Because they still have a sexdrive?
Just because you're singledoesn't mean your sex drive
disappears.
So can you talk to that personwho's trying to figure out what
(02:54):
do I do with my sexuality as asingle?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Yeah, great question, and that was, yes, part of what
I had to deal with in lookingat this for myself.
First, I would encourage younot to hate your sexuality, not
to despise that part of you, thepart of you that is a sexual
(03:18):
being God created.
Now evil is messed with that inall kinds of ways Stuff that
has happened to you and perhapsstuff that you have done in
response, but that core part ofyou is the way God made you, and
we were talking a few minutesago about the difference between
(03:39):
intimacy and sexuality.
I would especially challenge asingle person to wrestle with
the question if you do want sexthere are some who aren't
particularly thinking about thatbut if you do, what is it that
(04:10):
you are hungry for?
We often put in the bucket ofsex drive.
That is more than biological.
We'll talk about the biological, physical, in a second, but
address the need in your soul tobe connected, to feel valued,
to feel seen and known byanother.
Jesus experienced that, andthat's a legitimate part of
(04:33):
being made in the image of God.
Your need for connection andintimacy is part of you being
made in the image of God.
How can you point that in ahealthy direction?
In my opinion, the body ofChrist has lacked a great deal
in how it has dealt with singlepeople's needs for connection.
(04:58):
There's beautiful things in thebody of Christ in so many ways,
but this is often an area oflack.
I believe the body of Christ inso many ways, but this is often
an area of lack.
I believe the body of Christ,as Jesus intended, would be the
safest and most caring place tofind true intimacy.
But, as some people would say,the authentic intimacy that many
(05:22):
people crave is more oftenfound in the basement of the
church than upstairs in thesanctuary, the basement meaning.
That's often where 12-stepprograms are held, in the
basement of the church, one to afew people who are truly
seeking to know each other andbe safe.
(05:43):
That is a real critical needfor all of us and perhaps
especially so for singles.
I would then say what do you doabout your body?
Because the physical hormonesand sex organs and all of that
is there.
Remember Jesus as a human hadsex organs and sex hormones.
(06:09):
What did he do?
First of all, there's adifference between sexual
arousal and the pursuit offulfilling that with a sexual
activity To allow the arousalpart of you to be just that you
are awake to life.
(06:30):
It is a vital force.
That's part of who God made you.
Don't despise that, but channelit, pointed in a healthy
direction.
That doesn't mean you didn'thave to take off your clothes
with somebody in bed.
The alive part of you.
Embrace that.
And then the part of you that,for some, you may like to take
(06:54):
your clothes off with somebodyin bed, point that to Jesus.
In other words, bring him rightinto the middle of that.
I will sometimes encouragepeople to sanctify, consecrate
their sex life, their sexuality,to Jesus explicitly, out loud.
(07:16):
He made that part of you.
Make him Lord of that part ofyou.
Make him Lord of that part ofyou.
If you have invited him to beyour Savior, your eternity is
secure with him.
But is he also your Lord?
Is he the Lord of your time,your money, your vocation?
Make him Lord of your sex life.
(07:37):
For people who are struggling inthis area that may look like
Jesus, for today, I again makeyou the Lord of my life, and I
specifically make you the Lordof my sex life.
For today, I determined thatfor today, my body, mind and
soul will only be used in waysthat glorify you, and you may
(07:59):
need to pray that every day,maybe several times a day.
Make it explicit inconsecrating your sex life to
Jesus and then take care of yourbody and your soul.
The caring for your body andyour soul in healthy ways, your
(08:26):
body and your soul in healthyways, make the explicit
biological sex drive more ableto be managed, to be stewarded.
12-step programs sometimes talkabout HALT.
Don't get too hungry, angry,lonely or tired.
You all know if you arestruggling with some sexual
behavior, you know you're a lotmore vulnerable to that if
you're lonely, if you're tired.
So take care of this temple ina good way.
(08:47):
As far as caring for your soul,an important thing there is
make sure you are getting theinternal nourishment that you
need, the emotional nourishment,nourishment, time with, yes,
but other things like beauty,inspiration, activity,
connection with others.
Find the nourishment your soulneeds and you will have more
(09:10):
resilience in stewarding andpointing the sexual part of you
that God made in wise andhealthy ways.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Yeah, I love that because we talk a lot about how
we are holistic beings and soall of that is intertwined and I
think sometimes we putsexuality in its own little
category, as though it's notconnected to the rest of us, and
I appreciate you talking abouthow even these other things
taking care of what we're eating, how we're nourishing ourselves
(09:41):
, if we're getting outside andbreathing fresh air and all of
those things work into a healthyhuman life, including our
sexuality.
So I love that.
One of the things you talkabout is a three-part pathway to
wholeness and I'd love for youto just touch on that.
(10:03):
I do want people to get yourbook, so I don't want you to
give away all the secrets, butcan you touch on that three-part
path to wholeness?
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Yeah, I believe this is what you're referring to.
First is an escape plan.
You will be tempted.
If anything has happened to yousexually or you have acted out
sexually or whatever in thatarena, you will be tempted.
If anything has happened to yousexually or you have acted out
sexually or whatever in thatarena, you will be tempted again
.
God does miraculous things andthere are times when he shows up
, turns the light on for you andyou are set free.
(10:34):
But that does not mean you willnot face temptation again.
If the devil were eliminatedtoday, there would still be
plenty of pathways in your brainthat would lead you in an
unhealthy direction.
So, whatever your brand ofsexual brokenness is, learn what
the triggers are for you anddevelop a robust, strong escape
(10:58):
plan of what you will do at thatmoment.
What will you do with yourphysical body if you're tempted
to go to porn, for example, ormasturbate whatever?
What will you do with your bodywhen you feel that temptation?
It might be you clean the house, you go for a run, you read a
book, you recite a scripture outloud, you go outside and put
(11:20):
your hands in the dirt.
I love dirt therapy.
There can be a million things,but plan something you will
physically do with your body,and then what will you do with
your mind?
What replacement thought willyou put in your mind to
counteract the swirling thatoften comes into our thoughts
when we get into that kind of atemptation?
(11:42):
I can think of an example of,in this case, a gentleman I
talked with and he knew thatevery Friday evening he would be
tempted.
It seemed like every Fridayevening was his pitfall.
So what his escape planincluded was, before he leaves
work on Friday, he will decidesomething specific that he is
(12:05):
going to fill his evening with,and that may include calling a
friend.
The first thing is an escapeplan.
The second part is find yourpeople.
You need at least one, andideally a small number of people
who are up in your business,who know your stuff, who will
ask you the hard questions,challenge you, encourage you,
(12:27):
pray with you, support you, walkwith you through this.
This is more thanaccountability although that, I
believe, is an important piecebut it is much more than okay.
You call up once a week and sayI failed or I didn't fail.
This is people who are in yourlife and you are in theirs.
This is hard.
(12:49):
I don't do this part of lifeeasily.
I am not naturally somebodythat gravitates to having a few
people who I'm that intimatewith.
I have to exert conscious,ongoing energy to nourish that
kind of connection.
But remember Jesus did that.
He needed it.
So one way to think about thisis who is your Peter James and
(13:10):
John?
If you don't have a Peter Jamesand John in your life, start
with one, find one prayerfullyand stick your toe in the water.
You you might have aconversation, something like God
is stretching me.
He's working on some things inmy life and he's challenged me
(13:30):
that I need to have a betterconnection with one or a few
people.
I'm wondering if you might beone of my people.
Could, I talk about somethingand just start.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Just start.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
So often you have to be the one to go first.
I think people are longing togo deep with somebody else, but
they're always afraid to gofirst.
So I love that.
So you have your escape plan.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Find your people, find your people and then pursue
intimacy with Jesus.
I talked about consecratingyour sexuality to Jesus.
Often, that's a key part ofpursuing intimacy with him.
This is different than, or morethan, reading a list of daily
(14:18):
Bible verses or going to church.
Those things can be importantand they are vital.
Teresa, you're a pastor's wifeand you and your husband, I know
, have guided people in learningabout God and worshiping God,
and that's important.
But what I'm talking about isletting your soul be seen by
(14:38):
Jesus and opening those parts ofyou to him, both in your own
closet and in the company ofother believers.
I believe God intended that itbe both.
When Jesus was here on earth, weread about the miracles and the
teaching, but there were longperiods of time when he was just
(15:01):
walking with the disciples.
For those three, three and ahalf years, they ate with him,
walked with him, there wereconversations.
They were just doing life withhim.
Can you move toward doing lifewith Jesus?
I think in part.
That needs to include a dailytime when you touch base with
(15:23):
your best friend.
What's the state of your soul?
Am I angry right now?
Okay, I'm angry.
I point that anger to God.
Am I sad or exhausted.
Okay, jesus, this is where I amright now.
Just be real with him.
Invite him into that part ofyour soul and let him be there,
(15:48):
let him speak to you so yeah, Ilove that.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
I hope that the listeners are saying yes, yes,
of course, this is what I want.
I love that you're talkingabout this relationship with
Jesus as something that's realand almost tangible, because it
is.
It is, it's part of who we are.
It's a communication.
(16:13):
It's two ways.
It's here I am, here's all ofme, here's what I'm feeling
right now.
I'm bringing everything to him.
So I appreciate that.
I think those are such greatadvice.
I'm over here furiously takingnotes as you're talking, so it's
wonderful.
I'd love to kind of turn theconversation a little bit toward
(16:34):
the person who has maybe beenreluctant to bring their sexual
story to God and maybe they'vesaid God, you can have these
areas, or even hasn't.
Even maybe that person hasn'teven known that they can, that
they can bring their story toGod.
What would you say to them?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Yeah, first of all, jesus understands that.
I have frequently asked peoplehow do you feel God feels about
you, and the standard Christiananswer might be well, I know God
loves me.
This isn't what you knowintellectually.
What does your soul feel abouthow God feels about you?
(17:20):
The most common word I get isdisappointed God.
I feel like God is disappointedin me.
That internal picture of Godneeds to be healed.
It can be, but if you arefeeling like God is angry with
you, if your internal sense ofGod is that he's angry with you,
why would you want to comeclose?
That he's angry with you, whywould you want to come close If
(17:41):
he's disappointed with you?
I may feel like I've got towork harder and clean myself up
a bit before I dare kind of comeclose, and the shame keeps you
from telling your story to otherpeople and to Jesus.
So first I would say you mayneed to borrow faith from
(18:04):
somebody else for a while whileyou stick your toe in the water
and take the next step.
If you're listening or watchingright now, I mean, take it from
Teresa and from me.
We've been there, done that.
Your story is your story.
But those of us who have walkedat least a few steps ahead can
(18:26):
say it's worth it.
So you may need to borrow alittle of that courage at first
and just start, just start.
I talked about how you mightapproach a person.
How might you approach Jesus.
I think one way is to write aletter.
(18:48):
There can be all different waysof kind of trying to let those
walls down.
But if you could see Jesus inthe room with you, what might
you say?
Write that in a letter.
Maybe that would be very scary.
Write that it's okay, he canhandle it.
(19:10):
Maybe you would be angry at him.
Maybe it would be angry at well, why didn't you prevent that
sexual abuse from happening?
Or why didn't you prevent thatrape from happening?
Or whatever?
It is okay.
Tell them.
We've got great evidence in thePsalms and many places in the
Bible that God's very bestfriends brought their worst
stuff to him.
You can let it all hang out tohim.
(19:30):
Bring that to him if you'reoverwhelmed and you don't know
where to start, say Say that Ibelieve what Jesus would say to
you is just come If you'rehurting and tired.
Come If you're angry.
Just come If you're frustrated,if you feel sexually frustrated
(19:55):
, if you're afraid that God isgoing to take the good parts of
your life away from you andyou're scared to come close
because he might mess with you,just come.
Whatever it is, just come.
He is very gentle.
He will not leave you the wayhe finds you, but he will fully
accept you the way you are rightnow.
Just come, just start.
(20:17):
He won't push you any fasterthan you're willing and ready to
go.
Just come.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Yes, yes, I love that .
I was thinking as you weretalking about the woman caught
in adultery who was brought toJesus, and he looked her right
in the eye, he forgave her andhe set her free and he accepted
her just as she was and then hesaid from now on, go and sin no
(20:49):
more.
He wasn't setting her free justfrom her shame, but from her
sin, and saying you're free tolive differently now.
But you didn't have to clean itall up before you got here, and
I love that invitation thatJesus is saying just come.
I hate it that we only have afew minutes left.
This has gone so fast.
(21:09):
So before we wrap up too much,I want to ask you how the
listeners can connect with you.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
The easiest place to find all things around, dr Carol
, is drcarolministriescomD-R-C-A-R-O-L.
Ministriescom.
And a couple things to pointout there.
Teresa, you showed the book'sexpectations and I'm so grateful
that you did.
That's been out a few monthsnow, and I just want to mention
(21:42):
again those places at the end ofthe chapters that you
referenced where I just helpwalk you through experiencing
Jesus in your story, bringing itright real to where you are.
And then you can also go to ourSexpectations site,
yoursexpectationscom.
Be sure to put the your there,because otherwise you'll go
(22:04):
someplace you don't want to goYoursexpectationscom.
You can find the book there,and we have a brand new resource
, an online digital course aswell.
So if you like to read orlisten to audio the book, the
audio book is available.
The book is available to reador listen to audio the book, the
audio book, is available.
The book is available to toread.
But if you like something alittle bit deeper, this online
(22:25):
video course 10 modules and eachof those includes a guided
scripture reflection where Iactually verbalize and walk the
reader through those places ofexperiencing Jesus in your story
, and there's some additionalresources that go along with
that course too.
So if that's how you like toconsume content and you want to
(22:47):
go a little deeper.
That course you can also findon that site.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
And I will have links to all of these things in the
show notes.
So just make sure you lookthrough the show notes.
And also I send out a weeklynewsletter every week and so if
you're on my email list, youwill get all of this information
and all of the ways you canconnect with Dr Carol through
that weekly email.
(23:11):
But in closing, I would love itand you've already said so many
beautiful, wonderful things tothe listeners and I think you've
really invited them to come toa place of healing and come to
Jesus with their whole story butif you would, at the end here,
just maybe to that listener whois feeling shame or
(23:35):
embarrassment or pain as theybegin exploring their sexual
story, would you just give onefinal word of encouragement to
them.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Jesus wants to bring you healing.
I might just take a 30-secondpause here to say we do have an
absolutely free resource.
I believe you offered to makethat available, teresa your
prescription for sexual healingGod's way.
It's just a free, downloadableguide that you can get, and I'm
(24:10):
honored to make that availableto you, and what that does is it
just helps you understand whatthe steps are to open that part
of you that may be feeling shameand brokenness.
My encouragement to you.
If you are feeling stuck andmired in that shame and and
brokenness and I'm too far gone,I there's no way.
(24:32):
Jesus sees you.
He sees you right where you are.
There is absolutely nothing youcan have done or could have
done or could do in the futurethat could or will make him love
you any less.
He just plain loves you and,frankly, you're not big enough
(24:54):
to make him not love you.
You can't make him not love youand want you, just like the
woman we referenced a bitearlier, the woman at the well.
He says come, I see you, let'sdeal with this.
I am a safe place where we candeal with all of this.
(25:15):
Just come, take your tinyflicker of courage in your heart
.
It may be very small right now,but just see it as a little
flame in your soul that, likeyou guard with your like with
your, with your hands, and justlet that flame up and just take
(25:40):
a step, just the next step, andhe will meet you and love you
and it's going to be okay.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Amen to that.
Thank you so so much for beinghere, dr Carol.
Thank you for yourencouragement and your
vulnerability and just the waysthat you are serving people in
this really tender space.
So thanks for being here.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
Thank you so much, teresa.
It's an honor, and manyblessings to you and to all your
listeners.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Thanks for listening to Find Hope here.
To find anything we mentionedon the episode, go to
TeresaWhitingcom slash listen,which is where you can find all
the show notes.
Of course, I will have links toall of Dr Carol's resources her
book, the free resource thatshe mentioned, her website and
all the ways that you canconnect with her.
(26:31):
This month we are in a seriesthat I'm entitling Sexual
Wholeness.
We talk a lot about brokennessaround here, but the truth is,
no matter what our story is andhow we come to Jesus, how
wounded or broken we've been, hecan restore and redeem our
stories and bring us towholeness.
(26:52):
I hope you're enjoying theseepisodes with Dr Slattery, dr
Tanksley.
I'm also going to beinterviewing Dr Kurt Thompson
and others.
This is a series you're notgoing to want to miss any of the
episodes for, so, with that inmind, you want to make sure that
you're following the show, andyou may even want to sign up for
my weekly podcast updates.
(27:13):
It's an email that you want toopen every week.
It tells you all the ways youcan connect with the guest, and
sometimes there's informationthat's only available to my.
Every week, it tells you allthe ways you can connect with
the guest, and sometimes there'sinformation that's only
available to my emailsubscribers.
You can sign up for the podcastupdates through the link in the
show notes.
In closing, I want to leave youwith this prayer from Romans 15
(27:34):
13.
May the God of hope fill youwith all joy and peace in
believing so that, by the powerof the Holy Spirit, you may
abound in hope.
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