April 8, 2025 • 24 mins
Breaking free from pornography addiction is not an overnight process but a journey—one that requires understanding, support, and a deep commitment to healing. This is Part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Juli Slattery (if you haven't heard Part 1, you can find it here). Today we explore the complex nature of sexual brokenness and the path toward wholeness that's available to everyone, regardless of their past or present struggles.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know I've come to the conclusion we all have
sexual brokenness.
You know, like even the goodChristian girl that didn't
technically break the rules, weall have brokenness around our
bodies, around shame, aroundjust having a healthy
understanding of what Goddesigned sexuality for.
I know in this ministry I'vediscovered a lot of my
(00:22):
brokenness that I wouldn't havecalled brokenness in the past.
But we all need to go throughthis for ourselves, as well as
being prepared to help our kids.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Welcome back to my interview with Dr Julie Slattery
.
Today we are continuing theconversation that we started
last week, and if you haven'theard that yet, you will want to
go back and listen, because wetalked about the problem of
pornography, where it gets itsroots from and how it entrenches
itself into our lives.
Today we talk about reallypractical ways to live in
(00:55):
freedom and not shame, and weeven talk to parents about how
to help their kids navigate thistricky subject.
Hi, friend, you're listening toFind Hope here.
I'm your host, teresa Whiting.
Author, speaker, ministryleader, friend and fellow
(01:17):
struggler.
This is a podcast about themessy, complicated, painful
parts of life, but also thebeautiful, joy-filled hope that
Jesus promises.
Each week we dig deep intoGod's Word together and talk
about how His truth impacts oureveryday lives.
(01:37):
I'm not going to ask you to sitwith me and have coffee,
because I seem to have my bestconversations while I'm just
doing life, so I'd love to hangout with you as you walk or fold
laundry or drive to work.
You're invited to join me inpursuing the hope God promises,
no matter where you are or whereyou've been.
I pray you always find hopehere.
(02:01):
Let's jump in to today's episodehere.
Let's jump in to today'sepisode.
One of the things you talkabout is fleeing temptation in
advance.
So, like, let's start talkingabout some practical things that
people can do, because I knowthere's listeners that are
struggling with porn and theywant to break free, and there
are really practical things.
(02:22):
I mean, there's a whole host.
It's getting to the root, it'sdealing with some of that
brokenness that's underlying.
But there's also some reallylike how do you flee temptation
when it's there, or how do youeven do that in advance?
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Yeah, yeah, I mean this kind of goes a little bit
to where Jesus said you know, ifyour eye is causing you to sin,
poke it out.
And most people would agree.
He's not really saying pokeyour eye out, but sometimes it's
like we, because we're like, oh, he's using hyperbole, we don't
take it seriously.
(02:58):
What he's saying is if there'sanything that is causing you to
be tempted to leading you to sin, ruthlessly eliminate it.
And Joy shares a story in thebook that has always greatly
impacted me.
She was struggling withpornography, became a Christian
(03:21):
kind of, kept her struggle asecret because she didn't think
anyone would understand.
She heard another woman speakabout it at, I think, a college
event and she was like okay, I'mnot alone.
She went up to that womanessentially said I have a
struggle, will you help me?
(03:43):
And that woman began todisciple her.
And so Joy realized in themidst of that discipleship
journey that she still wasreally struggling with
pornography and she wasfrustrated that it wasn't going
away.
And so she decided she lived ina house with a number of other
women, she was in college andshe decided that she couldn't
handle privacy couldn't handleprivacy.
And so she took the doorknob offof her bedroom and essentially
(04:09):
said I don't, I don't trustmyself to have time behind
closed doors where there's noaccountability.
I can't, I'm not at the placewhere I'm going to do that, that
well.
And so her roommates were likewhy are you doing this?
And then she was able to sharewhich was great, just encouraged
them and led to vulnerabilityon their part.
(04:31):
But I just think that's such abeautiful example of looking at
our lives and saying, likethere's freedoms in Christ that
I have, that I'm not going tosteward well, because of the
struggle I have.
And there's things in my ownlife where I struggle with sin
patterns and I'm like, okay,that might be fine for you to go
to that, but I'm not going togo to that.
(04:54):
I feel like the Lord is sayingI can't go to that because I
don't want to put myself in thatposition to be overwhelmed by
temptation, in that position tobe overwhelmed by temptation.
And so you know, I know I'veknown women who have, like,
turned in their their phones andsaid I just need a dumb phone
(05:14):
that doesn't have access to theinternet.
You know, I need something likecovenant eyes with full
accountability, where my my allycan see everything I'm looking
at.
Those are bold, courageous andsometimes very necessary steps
to say I am not in the placewhere I can handle freedom in
(05:35):
this area.
And so, because I love the Lordand because I'm so determined
not to be enslaved by this, I'mwilling to take a step that
might feel embarrassing, mightfeel limiting for me, but, like
Jesus said, what do you gain ifyou have the whole world but you
lose your soul?
What do I really gain if I havethis really great phone but
(06:00):
it's a gateway that keepspulling me into sin and shame?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Hmm, that's so good, that's so good.
What about?
You know you're talking aboutsteps and this is a journey.
You know the book is called HerFreedom Journey because, as you
mentioned at the beginning,it's very rare for someone to
come into.
You know, they come into thismoment and they never struggle
again.
So, what do you mean by it's ajourney?
(06:25):
What does that really kind oflook like?
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Yeah, like Teresa, even as I mentioned, like your
brain has been impacted byexposure to pornography, and the
great thing is that our brainsare plastic.
In other words, you can createnew neural pathways.
You can let old neural pathwayskind of get grown over, kind of
(06:49):
like a path that you walk onevery day.
If you stop walking on thatpath, the grass is going to
eventually grow in, and so it'sgiving yourself the grace to
know that.
It's going to be a journey.
It's going to be a struggle andfor most people it's a
stumbling journey.
It's like, okay, I've hadvictory for a while and then
(07:10):
something stressful happened inmy life and I fell back into it.
But the first thing I did whenI fell back into it was I
reached out to a friend, Iconfessed, I asked for help.
So it's a journey, as we'vetalked about of not just the
behavior.
But when did I start usingpornography?
What was going on in my life?
Like for Joy, one of the thingsthat really propelled her into
(07:34):
pornography was she was date,raped and didn't have anybody to
talk to about it, and so, indealing with that trauma and
some of the things that wereawakened to her, she turned to
pornography.
So part of her journey ofgetting free from pornography
was I need to get healing forthe traumatic sexual experience
(07:58):
I had and what lies did theenemy plant in my heart when
that happened?
So that's a journey ofsometimes working with a
counselor.
It's a journey of understandingand learning what is God's
design for sexuality and whatare the messages that I've sort
of swallowed whole and absorbedfrom our culture that caused me
(08:21):
to think about my sexuality inan unhealthy way.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Yes, I think it's so easy for us to just, even
subconsciously, adopt themessages of the world.
I mean, you're listening tomusic, you're watching TV and
movies and all the things, andyou just slowly start to believe
the world's view of things andyou don't even realize like, oh,
(08:47):
this is not God's view, this isnot a biblical perspective of
sexuality or of whatever area oflife.
One of the things you mentionedwas creating those new neural
pathways, and I think they callthat neuroplasticity, right when
you're able to create newpathways in your brain.
And I remember the first time Icame across that concept, which
(09:09):
was relatively recently I'm nota psychologist, but I love to
read these kind of books andstudy brain health and all this
stuff and I remember the firsttime I came across that concept
of neuroplasticity and I waslike, oh, this is Romans 12.1,
(09:31):
like be transformed by renewingof your mind.
This is what God said thousandsof years ago.
And now science is saying, yeah, you can do it.
I love when that happens.
I love when science comes upwith something and you're like,
oh, yeah, and God already toldus that.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
But now it's like you can see it.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
You can see it under a microscope, like it happens,
and it's so cool, it's fun arestruggling with porn.
(10:06):
What is it that a parent can do?
Because that is a heartbreakingthing, because you're watching
your child and you know this isgoing to cause devastation in
their life.
How does a parent step in?
When does a parent step in?
At what age is it like, yeah,it's appropriate for you to step
in?
I mean lots of questions.
So, talk a little bit about thatfrom from the perspective of
what can a parent do to help adaughter?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Yeah, um, I think we are in a day and age where we
have to start talking to bothour sons and daughters about
sexuality, like at ages thatfeel way too young for us and
may feel way too young for them,but the reality of it is
they're already getting messagesabout how to think about their
(10:52):
bodies, how to think about theirsexuality at, you know,
preschool levels.
Now sometimes, and certainlyonce they go to school, if they
(11:15):
have any form of devices isnormalizing conversations about
sexuality and sex in your bodies, in your home?
So the framework that we usedand that we were taught growing
up was you really don't talkmuch about sex.
It's sort of like this privatetopic and then once your kids
(11:38):
hit like 11 or 12 years old, youtake them away for this like
huge conversation about theirperiod and sex, and and then
it's like now they're, nowthey're supposed to be wise to
everything, and you kind of sayto them like hey, and if you
have any other questions overthe next 10 years, please feel
free to come to me.
(11:58):
Guilty as charged, julie.
That's what we all did.
I mean, that's the model thatwe learned, and we're now
understanding that, first of all, that model probably was never
the healthiest model, but intoday's day and age it certainly
isn't going to be sufficient.
And so, you know, some of whatwe've developed at Authentic
(12:18):
Intimacy is more of a model thatwe call sexual discipleship
instead of sex education.
So what I just described to youis more of an educational model
.
Discipleship is, you know, likewe're going to talk about this
all the time, like it's just,yes, there's going to be some
planned teaching times.
There are going to be thoseweekends you go away with your
(12:40):
daughter and tackle some things,but that is certainly not going
to be her first exposure to ustalking about sex.
And in that, I would say, aroundthe ages of eight to nine,
every kid you got to talk toyour sons and your daughters
about what pornography is, thefact that they're they're going
(13:02):
to see it, and and when they seeit, you know like it's going to
be like I want you to tell melike this is a safe place,
there's nothing that you'regoing to be in trouble for.
You know, like I always want tobe a safe place for you to ask
questions and to let me know and, and so setting that
(13:24):
expectation being very vigilantabout devices.
It's hard, I know.
As a parent of three sons, Ifelt like I was in this, this
boat that had all these holesand I kept trying to plug up all
the holes and then there'd be anew one.
Like, kids are so much smarterabout technology than we are, so
(13:47):
you know, being educated aboutsome of that, like once you get
your kids devices, having itvery clear that this is, you
know, a privilege.
It's just like when you givethem car keys, you give them
training on how to use them.
There's oversight, you know, Ithink having devices when you
have young teens that aremirrored by the parent, like I
(14:08):
can see every message you know,like.
Well this I mean don't give yourkids privacy in these areas.
Yes, give them privacy in termsof their bodies, teach them
modesty, but adults can't handlethat.
And kids can't handle socialmedia.
I mean, we're finding more andmore that even their brain
(14:30):
development, that they're notready for the challenges that
come with a lot of the thingsthat have been normalized in our
day and age.
And if and when your, yourdaughter, starts to struggle
with some of these things, youknow, look at it as a
discipleship opportunity, not asa pass fail test.
And I think a lot of parents,including me, when my kids
(14:52):
struggled with different things,the first thing I went to is
how did I fail them?
And you know, like even I teachthis, you know I should have
done better.
And then we put that on themthat it's a pass fail test.
It's really not it's.
You know, every day we have tobe reminded of our dependency on
Christ and the beauty of hisgrace for us, and seeking Him,
(15:17):
and so approach it with thatkind of framework.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Yes, oh, man, you just said so many beautiful
things and I was, you know,voraciously taking notes over
here.
I was like, oh my goodness, Ilove what you said about the
model.
You know the model that we did.
You know the good that we, thatwe did.
You know the the good Christianparent.
You take your kid away on theweekend and you do the thing,
(15:42):
and, and I would say that it'sbetter than what my parents did,
which was you don't even saythe word, you, you spell S, e, x
, like you don't even say theword ever.
And so everything I learned wasthrough experimentation and
investigation, and peers andmovies didn't ever have a
(16:04):
conversation.
So we were like we're going todo this right, we're going to
talk to our kids once.
But this idea of I love thatyou called it discipleship, like
let's make this a normalconversation and not something
that's scary and we have to havea big production every time we
talk about it.
But normalizing theconversation is so good.
(16:26):
And then you know devices andmedia.
I mean that's a whole, notherepisode.
I feel like we could talk abouta lot what this world has done
to our children and what they'vetried to normalize.
And there's one other thingthat I think is really important
, and that's that if you havesexual brokenness in your own
(16:51):
life, to get help.
Because I think for me you knowI have stuff in my past that if
my kids have struggled, I'malmost in like a freeze response
of like I don't even know whatto do with this, I don't know
how to help you because Ihaven't healed those places in
(17:12):
my own life.
And so I think for the parentwho is still struggling and it's
not like you have to get tothis oh, I've arrived, you know
I'm perfect now, but you have toget to a place of healing where
you can then help somebody likeyour child I think that's a
really important thing to pointout.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
I'm so glad you said that that is really key, because
you can't pass something onthat you don't have.
And if we haven't beendiscipled in our sexuality, we
can give our kids a book, but wecan't walk with them and I'm
finding this to be true not justwith parents, but also with
Christian leaders Like, a lot ofthem feel paralyzed in having
(17:54):
these conversations in thechurch because they're like,
well, I don't know where to gowith my questions and I've got
shame and I've got struggles.
So that's really a passion ofmine is, you know, how do we get
everybody on a journey ofdiscipleship?
And you said, if you havebrokenness, you know.
(18:15):
I've come to the conclusion.
We all have sexual brokenness,you know, like even the good
Christian girl that didn'ttechnically break the rules.
We all have brokenness aroundour bodies, around shame, around
just having a healthyunderstanding of what God
designed sexuality for.
I know in this ministry I'vediscovered a lot of my
(18:36):
brokenness that I wouldn't havecalled brokenness in the past.
But we all need to go throughthis for ourselves as well as
being prepared to help our kids.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Yes, yes, and that is really what your ministry is
all about.
I'd love it if you could justtalk to the listeners about what
do you offer at AuthenticIntimacy, like what are the
tools that you give to equippeople, because there's so many
things that your ministry does.
So let's talk about, like, whatdo you guys do, and then how
(19:08):
people can connect and I willhave links to all the things in
the show notes, but just talkabout it a little bit.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Sure, yeah.
Well, we do have a discipleshipmodel.
So we have a podcast every weekcalled Job with Julie.
That we've been doing for 11years.
So I feel like I've had almostevery conversation you can have,
wow, yeah, so we've got thatarchive available to blogs Q&A
(19:35):
videos where you can just go toour website and put in a topic
and it brings up content on thattopic.
And then another piece that Ilove that we have in our
ministry is called online bookstudies, because there are women
listening right now who arelike you're right, I've got
questions about sex and marriageor I've got trauma from my past
(19:57):
, right, and I have nowhere totalk about this stuff.
I can go see a counselor, but Ifeel very alone in my struggle,
and so our online book studiesare virtual groups.
There's groups for women,there's groups for men and
there's groups for couples thatgo through books like God, sex
and your Marriage, her FreedomJourney we have a number of
(20:19):
books like that, and it's with atrained leader, the groups are
(20:40):
capped at 12 people, so itreally is a small group format
for you to meet with people whoare there for help and healing
who you're not going to run tothe grocery store with them,
because they live from all overthe world.
Mm-hmm.
For them to learn how todisciple in sexuality.
(21:01):
So we have, like e-courses andI do, office hours for those
folks once a month where theycan just hop on and ask ministry
questions or things thatthey're wrestling through, and
groups for leaders to growtogether.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
So there's a lot.
This is a very comprehensiveministry.
If you are not familiar withAuthentic Intimacy or with the
Java with Julie podcast, likeyou have to go.
You have to get on the shownotes and click the links and
connect, because this ministryis so.
It's just you're doing suchbeautiful, important work that's
(21:39):
not going on in a lot of otherspaces.
So I really appreciate that,julie, and I appreciate you
taking the time to talk with usand I would love if you would
just in closing.
I know, I know that there arelisteners that are struggling
with porn, with addiction, withyou know, feeling like I don't
(21:59):
know, I don't know if I can everbreak free from this, and so
would you just, in closing,address that listener.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Yeah for sure.
You know, one thing that I'vecome to learn over these years
of ministry in this space isthat the real issue is a
spiritual issue.
So Satan will use porn, he'lluse shame, he'll use betrayal.
You know like he uses all thesethings not just to get you
trapped in a sin, but to keepyou separated from God, and so
(22:29):
the heart of what we do, and whywe do what we do, is because
Paul says that we want to teardown strongholds that keep
people from the knowledge of God, and so I'm going to encourage
you to step out and get help,whether it's through authentic
intimacy or someone else, notjust because you need to be free
(22:50):
from porn, but because theenemy is using this to keep you
from intimacy with God, and, atthe end of the day, that's what
this is all about.
It's about feeling like youhave to have compartments of
your life that God can't enter,and so we just want to tear down
everything that keeps you fromknowing the love of Christ,
(23:11):
because that's what life isabout, that's what eternity is
about is being in His presenceand knowing that there's nothing
that can separate us from Hislove.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Yes, yes.
Thank you so much for beinghere, julie.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Well, thanks so much for your kind words.
I praise God for the work thathe's doing and for people like
you who can partner with us inwhat he's called us to do.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Well, that wraps up an episode with one of my dream
guests.
I know that this episode gaveyou so much hope.
It gave you tools, it gave youconfidence to walk forward in
wholeness, in your sexuality, oreven hopefully.
What I pray is that it gave youthe opportunity to know that
you are not alone in yourstruggle, that this is a common
(24:02):
thing, and so if you are a womanwho struggles with this, please
, please, reach out.
Reach out to Authentic Intimacy.
Listen to Java with Julie.
Contact me.
If you haven't ordered a copyof Graced yet, do that today.
That would be one perfect nextstep on this journey.
In closing, I want to leave youwith this prayer from Romans 15
(24:26):
13.
May the God of hope fill youwith all joy and peace in
believing, so that, by the powerof the Holy Spirit, you may
abound in hope.
You know I've come to the conclusion we all have
sexual brokenness.
You know, like even the goodChristian girl that didn't
technically break the rules, weall have brokenness around our
bodies, around shame, aroundjust having a healthy
understanding of what Goddesigned sexuality for.
I know in this ministry I'vediscovered a lot of my
(00:22):
brokenness that I wouldn't havecalled brokenness in the past.
But we all need to go throughthis for ourselves, as well as
being prepared to help our kids.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Welcome back to my interview with Dr Julie Slattery
.
Today we are continuing theconversation that we started
last week, and if you haven'theard that yet, you will want to
go back and listen, because wetalked about the problem of
pornography, where it gets itsroots from and how it entrenches
itself into our lives.
Today we talk about reallypractical ways to live in
(00:55):
freedom and not shame, and weeven talk to parents about how
to help their kids navigate thistricky subject.
Hi, friend, you're listening toFind Hope here.
I'm your host, teresa Whiting.
Author, speaker, ministryleader, friend and fellow
(01:17):
struggler.
This is a podcast about themessy, complicated, painful
parts of life, but also thebeautiful, joy-filled hope that
Jesus promises.
Each week we dig deep intoGod's Word together and talk
about how His truth impacts oureveryday lives.
(01:37):
I'm not going to ask you to sitwith me and have coffee,
because I seem to have my bestconversations while I'm just
doing life, so I'd love to hangout with you as you walk or fold
laundry or drive to work.
You're invited to join me inpursuing the hope God promises,
no matter where you are or whereyou've been.
I pray you always find hopehere.
(02:01):
Let's jump in to today's episodehere.
Let's jump in to today'sepisode.
One of the things you talkabout is fleeing temptation in
advance.
So, like, let's start talkingabout some practical things that
people can do, because I knowthere's listeners that are
struggling with porn and theywant to break free, and there
are really practical things.
(02:22):
I mean, there's a whole host.
It's getting to the root, it'sdealing with some of that
brokenness that's underlying.
But there's also some reallylike how do you flee temptation
when it's there, or how do youeven do that in advance?
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Yeah, yeah, I mean this kind of goes a little bit
to where Jesus said you know, ifyour eye is causing you to sin,
poke it out.
And most people would agree.
He's not really saying pokeyour eye out, but sometimes it's
like we, because we're like, oh, he's using hyperbole, we don't
take it seriously.
(02:58):
What he's saying is if there'sanything that is causing you to
be tempted to leading you to sin, ruthlessly eliminate it.
And Joy shares a story in thebook that has always greatly
impacted me.
She was struggling withpornography, became a Christian
(03:21):
kind of, kept her struggle asecret because she didn't think
anyone would understand.
She heard another woman speakabout it at, I think, a college
event and she was like okay, I'mnot alone.
She went up to that womanessentially said I have a
struggle, will you help me?
(03:43):
And that woman began todisciple her.
And so Joy realized in themidst of that discipleship
journey that she still wasreally struggling with
pornography and she wasfrustrated that it wasn't going
away.
And so she decided she lived ina house with a number of other
women, she was in college andshe decided that she couldn't
handle privacy couldn't handleprivacy.
And so she took the doorknob offof her bedroom and essentially
(04:09):
said I don't, I don't trustmyself to have time behind
closed doors where there's noaccountability.
I can't, I'm not at the placewhere I'm going to do that, that
well.
And so her roommates were likewhy are you doing this?
And then she was able to sharewhich was great, just encouraged
them and led to vulnerabilityon their part.
(04:31):
But I just think that's such abeautiful example of looking at
our lives and saying, likethere's freedoms in Christ that
I have, that I'm not going tosteward well, because of the
struggle I have.
And there's things in my ownlife where I struggle with sin
patterns and I'm like, okay,that might be fine for you to go
to that, but I'm not going togo to that.
(04:54):
I feel like the Lord is sayingI can't go to that because I
don't want to put myself in thatposition to be overwhelmed by
temptation, in that position tobe overwhelmed by temptation.
And so you know, I know I'veknown women who have, like,
turned in their their phones andsaid I just need a dumb phone
(05:14):
that doesn't have access to theinternet.
You know, I need something likecovenant eyes with full
accountability, where my my allycan see everything I'm looking
at.
Those are bold, courageous andsometimes very necessary steps
to say I am not in the placewhere I can handle freedom in
(05:35):
this area.
And so, because I love the Lordand because I'm so determined
not to be enslaved by this, I'mwilling to take a step that
might feel embarrassing, mightfeel limiting for me, but, like
Jesus said, what do you gain ifyou have the whole world but you
lose your soul?
What do I really gain if I havethis really great phone but
(06:00):
it's a gateway that keepspulling me into sin and shame?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Hmm, that's so good, that's so good.
What about?
You know you're talking aboutsteps and this is a journey.
You know the book is called HerFreedom Journey because, as you
mentioned at the beginning,it's very rare for someone to
come into.
You know, they come into thismoment and they never struggle
again.
So, what do you mean by it's ajourney?
(06:25):
What does that really kind oflook like?
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Yeah, like Teresa, even as I mentioned, like your
brain has been impacted byexposure to pornography, and the
great thing is that our brainsare plastic.
In other words, you can createnew neural pathways.
You can let old neural pathwayskind of get grown over, kind of
(06:49):
like a path that you walk onevery day.
If you stop walking on thatpath, the grass is going to
eventually grow in, and so it'sgiving yourself the grace to
know that.
It's going to be a journey.
It's going to be a struggle andfor most people it's a
stumbling journey.
It's like, okay, I've hadvictory for a while and then
(07:10):
something stressful happened inmy life and I fell back into it.
But the first thing I did whenI fell back into it was I
reached out to a friend, Iconfessed, I asked for help.
So it's a journey, as we'vetalked about of not just the
behavior.
But when did I start usingpornography?
What was going on in my life?
Like for Joy, one of the thingsthat really propelled her into
(07:34):
pornography was she was date,raped and didn't have anybody to
talk to about it, and so, indealing with that trauma and
some of the things that wereawakened to her, she turned to
pornography.
So part of her journey ofgetting free from pornography
was I need to get healing forthe traumatic sexual experience
(07:58):
I had and what lies did theenemy plant in my heart when
that happened?
So that's a journey ofsometimes working with a
counselor.
It's a journey of understandingand learning what is God's
design for sexuality and whatare the messages that I've sort
of swallowed whole and absorbedfrom our culture that caused me
(08:21):
to think about my sexuality inan unhealthy way.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Yes, I think it's so easy for us to just, even
subconsciously, adopt themessages of the world.
I mean, you're listening tomusic, you're watching TV and
movies and all the things, andyou just slowly start to believe
the world's view of things andyou don't even realize like, oh,
(08:47):
this is not God's view, this isnot a biblical perspective of
sexuality or of whatever area oflife.
One of the things you mentionedwas creating those new neural
pathways, and I think they callthat neuroplasticity, right when
you're able to create newpathways in your brain.
And I remember the first time Icame across that concept, which
(09:09):
was relatively recently I'm nota psychologist, but I love to
read these kind of books andstudy brain health and all this
stuff and I remember the firsttime I came across that concept
of neuroplasticity and I waslike, oh, this is Romans 12.1,
(09:31):
like be transformed by renewingof your mind.
This is what God said thousandsof years ago.
And now science is saying, yeah, you can do it.
I love when that happens.
I love when science comes upwith something and you're like,
oh, yeah, and God already toldus that.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
But now it's like you can see it.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
You can see it under a microscope, like it happens,
and it's so cool, it's fun arestruggling with porn.
(10:06):
What is it that a parent can do?
Because that is a heartbreakingthing, because you're watching
your child and you know this isgoing to cause devastation in
their life.
How does a parent step in?
When does a parent step in?
At what age is it like, yeah,it's appropriate for you to step
in?
I mean lots of questions.
So, talk a little bit about thatfrom from the perspective of
what can a parent do to help adaughter?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Yeah, um, I think we are in a day and age where we
have to start talking to bothour sons and daughters about
sexuality, like at ages thatfeel way too young for us and
may feel way too young for them,but the reality of it is
they're already getting messagesabout how to think about their
(10:52):
bodies, how to think about theirsexuality at, you know,
preschool levels.
Now sometimes, and certainlyonce they go to school, if they
(11:15):
have any form of devices isnormalizing conversations about
sexuality and sex in your bodies, in your home?
So the framework that we usedand that we were taught growing
up was you really don't talkmuch about sex.
It's sort of like this privatetopic and then once your kids
(11:38):
hit like 11 or 12 years old, youtake them away for this like
huge conversation about theirperiod and sex, and and then
it's like now they're, nowthey're supposed to be wise to
everything, and you kind of sayto them like hey, and if you
have any other questions overthe next 10 years, please feel
free to come to me.
(11:58):
Guilty as charged, julie.
That's what we all did.
I mean, that's the model thatwe learned, and we're now
understanding that, first of all, that model probably was never
the healthiest model, but intoday's day and age it certainly
isn't going to be sufficient.
And so, you know, some of whatwe've developed at Authentic
(12:18):
Intimacy is more of a model thatwe call sexual discipleship
instead of sex education.
So what I just described to youis more of an educational model
.
Discipleship is, you know, likewe're going to talk about this
all the time, like it's just,yes, there's going to be some
planned teaching times.
There are going to be thoseweekends you go away with your
(12:40):
daughter and tackle some things,but that is certainly not going
to be her first exposure to ustalking about sex.
And in that, I would say, aroundthe ages of eight to nine,
every kid you got to talk toyour sons and your daughters
about what pornography is, thefact that they're they're going
(13:02):
to see it, and and when they seeit, you know like it's going to
be like I want you to tell melike this is a safe place,
there's nothing that you'regoing to be in trouble for.
You know, like I always want tobe a safe place for you to ask
questions and to let me know and, and so setting that
(13:24):
expectation being very vigilantabout devices.
It's hard, I know.
As a parent of three sons, Ifelt like I was in this, this
boat that had all these holesand I kept trying to plug up all
the holes and then there'd be anew one.
Like, kids are so much smarterabout technology than we are, so
(13:47):
you know, being educated aboutsome of that, like once you get
your kids devices, having itvery clear that this is, you
know, a privilege.
It's just like when you givethem car keys, you give them
training on how to use them.
There's oversight, you know, Ithink having devices when you
have young teens that aremirrored by the parent, like I
(14:08):
can see every message you know,like.
Well this I mean don't give yourkids privacy in these areas.
Yes, give them privacy in termsof their bodies, teach them
modesty, but adults can't handlethat.
And kids can't handle socialmedia.
I mean, we're finding more andmore that even their brain
(14:30):
development, that they're notready for the challenges that
come with a lot of the thingsthat have been normalized in our
day and age.
And if and when your, yourdaughter, starts to struggle
with some of these things, youknow, look at it as a
discipleship opportunity, not asa pass fail test.
And I think a lot of parents,including me, when my kids
(14:52):
struggled with different things,the first thing I went to is
how did I fail them?
And you know, like even I teachthis, you know I should have
done better.
And then we put that on themthat it's a pass fail test.
It's really not it's.
You know, every day we have tobe reminded of our dependency on
Christ and the beauty of hisgrace for us, and seeking Him,
(15:17):
and so approach it with thatkind of framework.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Yes, oh, man, you just said so many beautiful
things and I was, you know,voraciously taking notes over
here.
I was like, oh my goodness, Ilove what you said about the
model.
You know the model that we did.
You know the good that we, thatwe did.
You know the the good Christianparent.
You take your kid away on theweekend and you do the thing,
(15:42):
and, and I would say that it'sbetter than what my parents did,
which was you don't even saythe word, you, you spell S, e, x
, like you don't even say theword ever.
And so everything I learned wasthrough experimentation and
investigation, and peers andmovies didn't ever have a
(16:04):
conversation.
So we were like we're going todo this right, we're going to
talk to our kids once.
But this idea of I love thatyou called it discipleship, like
let's make this a normalconversation and not something
that's scary and we have to havea big production every time we
talk about it.
But normalizing theconversation is so good.
(16:26):
And then you know devices andmedia.
I mean that's a whole, notherepisode.
I feel like we could talk abouta lot what this world has done
to our children and what they'vetried to normalize.
And there's one other thingthat I think is really important
, and that's that if you havesexual brokenness in your own
(16:51):
life, to get help.
Because I think for me you knowI have stuff in my past that if
my kids have struggled, I'malmost in like a freeze response
of like I don't even know whatto do with this, I don't know
how to help you because Ihaven't healed those places in
(17:12):
my own life.
And so I think for the parentwho is still struggling and it's
not like you have to get tothis oh, I've arrived, you know
I'm perfect now, but you have toget to a place of healing where
you can then help somebody likeyour child I think that's a
really important thing to pointout.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
I'm so glad you said that that is really key, because
you can't pass something onthat you don't have.
And if we haven't beendiscipled in our sexuality, we
can give our kids a book, but wecan't walk with them and I'm
finding this to be true not justwith parents, but also with
Christian leaders Like, a lot ofthem feel paralyzed in having
(17:54):
these conversations in thechurch because they're like,
well, I don't know where to gowith my questions and I've got
shame and I've got struggles.
So that's really a passion ofmine is, you know, how do we get
everybody on a journey ofdiscipleship?
And you said, if you havebrokenness, you know.
(18:15):
I've come to the conclusion.
We all have sexual brokenness,you know, like even the good
Christian girl that didn'ttechnically break the rules.
We all have brokenness aroundour bodies, around shame, around
just having a healthyunderstanding of what God
designed sexuality for.
I know in this ministry I'vediscovered a lot of my
(18:36):
brokenness that I wouldn't havecalled brokenness in the past.
But we all need to go throughthis for ourselves as well as
being prepared to help our kids.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Yes, yes, and that is really what your ministry is
all about.
I'd love it if you could justtalk to the listeners about what
do you offer at AuthenticIntimacy, like what are the
tools that you give to equippeople, because there's so many
things that your ministry does.
So let's talk about, like, whatdo you guys do, and then how
(19:08):
people can connect and I willhave links to all the things in
the show notes, but just talkabout it a little bit.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Sure, yeah.
Well, we do have a discipleshipmodel.
So we have a podcast every weekcalled Job with Julie.
That we've been doing for 11years.
So I feel like I've had almostevery conversation you can have,
wow, yeah, so we've got thatarchive available to blogs Q&A
(19:35):
videos where you can just go toour website and put in a topic
and it brings up content on thattopic.
And then another piece that Ilove that we have in our
ministry is called online bookstudies, because there are women
listening right now who arelike you're right, I've got
questions about sex and marriageor I've got trauma from my past
(19:57):
, right, and I have nowhere totalk about this stuff.
I can go see a counselor, but Ifeel very alone in my struggle,
and so our online book studiesare virtual groups.
There's groups for women,there's groups for men and
there's groups for couples thatgo through books like God, sex
and your Marriage, her FreedomJourney we have a number of
(20:19):
books like that, and it's with atrained leader, the groups are
(20:40):
capped at 12 people, so itreally is a small group format
for you to meet with people whoare there for help and healing
who you're not going to run tothe grocery store with them,
because they live from all overthe world.
Mm-hmm.
For them to learn how todisciple in sexuality.
(21:01):
So we have, like e-courses andI do, office hours for those
folks once a month where theycan just hop on and ask ministry
questions or things thatthey're wrestling through, and
groups for leaders to growtogether.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
So there's a lot.
This is a very comprehensiveministry.
If you are not familiar withAuthentic Intimacy or with the
Java with Julie podcast, likeyou have to go.
You have to get on the shownotes and click the links and
connect, because this ministryis so.
It's just you're doing suchbeautiful, important work that's
(21:39):
not going on in a lot of otherspaces.
So I really appreciate that,julie, and I appreciate you
taking the time to talk with usand I would love if you would
just in closing.
I know, I know that there arelisteners that are struggling
with porn, with addiction, withyou know, feeling like I don't
(21:59):
know, I don't know if I can everbreak free from this, and so
would you just, in closing,address that listener.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Yeah for sure.
You know, one thing that I'vecome to learn over these years
of ministry in this space isthat the real issue is a
spiritual issue.
So Satan will use porn, he'lluse shame, he'll use betrayal.
You know like he uses all thesethings not just to get you
trapped in a sin, but to keepyou separated from God, and so
(22:29):
the heart of what we do, and whywe do what we do, is because
Paul says that we want to teardown strongholds that keep
people from the knowledge of God, and so I'm going to encourage
you to step out and get help,whether it's through authentic
intimacy or someone else, notjust because you need to be free
(22:50):
from porn, but because theenemy is using this to keep you
from intimacy with God, and, atthe end of the day, that's what
this is all about.
It's about feeling like youhave to have compartments of
your life that God can't enter,and so we just want to tear down
everything that keeps you fromknowing the love of Christ,
(23:11):
because that's what life isabout, that's what eternity is
about is being in His presenceand knowing that there's nothing
that can separate us from Hislove.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Yes, yes.
Thank you so much for beinghere, julie.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Well, thanks so much for your kind words.
I praise God for the work thathe's doing and for people like
you who can partner with us inwhat he's called us to do.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Well, that wraps up an episode with one of my dream
guests.
I know that this episode gaveyou so much hope.
It gave you tools, it gave youconfidence to walk forward in
wholeness, in your sexuality, oreven hopefully.
What I pray is that it gave youthe opportunity to know that
you are not alone in yourstruggle, that this is a common
(24:02):
thing, and so if you are a womanwho struggles with this, please
, please, reach out.
Reach out to Authentic Intimacy.
Listen to Java with Julie.
Contact me.
If you haven't ordered a copyof Graced yet, do that today.
That would be one perfect nextstep on this journey.
In closing, I want to leave youwith this prayer from Romans 15
(24:26):
13.
May the God of hope fill youwith all joy and peace in
believing, so that, by the powerof the Holy Spirit, you may
abound in hope.
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