December 11, 2024 • 34 mins
Have you ever found yourself tangled in the chaos of homeownership, only to realise your biggest adversary is a mouse and not the mortgage? Join us as we share tales of our own home renovation mishaps, giving a cheeky nod to icons like Austin Powers while reminiscing about the unpredictability of old houses. From mysterious creaks to surprise critters, the journey of maintaining a home is anything but dull. We promise not just laughs but a reminder that these quirks are universally shared, from California to Iraq.
Imagine the shock of discovering that not all home improvements are budget-friendly, especially when a simple front door turns into a costly saga. Our episode takes a turn into the realm of DIY maintenance, where every homeowner becomes a jack-of-all-trades, trading landlord calls for toolboxes. Amidst these adventures, we sprinkle in exciting updates on a new Wallace and Gromit film and muse over how big studios might find the quirkiest inspirations in unexpected places. Listeners are invited to share their own tales and tips, as we celebrate our favourite cultural throwbacks together.
As we shift gears, our quirky guest, the Gno-It-All Gnome, graces us with marriage wisdom, humorously addressing a listener's romantic dilemma with his signature flair. The episode wouldn't be complete without some dad joke banter, featuring a fictional robot lawnmower incident that leaves us all in stitches. Wrap up with us on this fun-filled journey, and be sure to stick around for more laughter and the charming unpredictability of life in our next episode.
Join us at the bottom of the garden for a first look at;
- New House / Old House Dadmin
- Wallace and Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl - everything you need to know about the new film coming this Christmas
The usual Fishpond of feedback (please write in to firstlookgnomes@outlook.com)
& The Gno-It-All Gnome with his new segment of Marriage Advice
& the new segment of Badddd Jokes
Click here via your Mobile Device to send us a message!
Please Subscribe , leave a 5* Review, Follow, Like and Share this Podcast to show your support for more episodes.
Help grow the show !
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
just the episode, two of us.
We can make a good episode ifwe try just the two of us, if we
try just the two of us buildingepisodes bottom of the garden
in the sky just episode two ofus, you and I, you and I.
Bravo, yeah, welcome backepisode two first, let go two
(00:39):
weeks.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
It's been nostalgic what are two weeks it's been.
You know you're singing thatsong.
It's it straight away.
Took me back to Austin Powersand Mini-Me.
Do you remember that?
I don't know if.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
I take that as a compliment or Well, just the
song.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
The song.
It takes me back to AustinPowers.
Then I think of Will Smith,pre-slappy days, will Smith,
when Will Smith could do nowrong.
Yeah, good intro, Wiles, goodintro, thank you, I don't know
where you get them all.
I don't know how you come upwith them all.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
I really don't.
I've not seen Austin Powers ina long time.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
No, probably due a comeback.
It'd probably be cancelledthese days.
Let's be honest.
Do you know what I haven't seenin a long time?
Speaker 1 (01:22):
What haven't you seen in a?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
long time your tackle ?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
I've not seen your tackle in a very long time.
I've not seen your tackle in avery long time, neither have I.
Do you want to get your rod out?
We've not been there for awhile.
Shall we go to the Fishpond offeedback?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Fishpond of feedback.
Feedback, I don't think tackleat Wells.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yeah, we'll get a new theme tune for that Um season
four.
Uh, I, I did have a.
I did have some prepared notes,but I I lost them.
Um tips with ads, just to goback an episode don't use
notebook, use something elsethat auto-saves.
Literally every single platformor software auto-saves these
(02:11):
days, apart from notepad.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Notepad on Windows computers but don't use notepad.
I mean also tips for dads,unless you don't want stuff
auto-saved.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
You know, if you want , I don't know Notepad maybe is
the last of the privacy programsyou could also just remember to
save your work, williams.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I mean you know yeah, all that I mean amateurs.
We are not.
We are meant to beprofessionals.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
But what I do know is we do have listeners still
listening.
That's what listeners do, Ihope so.
We've got new listeners inroseville, california, waybridge
in england hey, we know, thatis uh, dohawk in dohawk.
(03:03):
I don't know where dohawk is,d-u-h-o-k do hawk?
Speaker 2 (03:08):
no, I'm not sure on that one bay city, michigan
michigan.
Oh, do you know?
Do hawk.
It's a city in iraq, is it?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
yeah, okay, wow okay, don't say hello, hello, do hawk
helloawk.
Well, you just did, honestly.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Well, that's true.
Yeah, iraq, We've got peoplewho've been to a summer rack.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
That's crazy why not, we're international Well that's
true.
Bakersfield, California.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Hi California.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
And Hamilton, ontario .
Oh well, that might be someonewe know as well.
And the theme for the lastthree seasons was have we got
any listeners in Africa?
And we did the last episode.
We got a listener in Cairo, inEgypt, and, as per last episode,
(03:59):
we are looking for our firstlisteners from space, ideally
the moon, ideally Uranus.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Or further afield.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Or further afield, Drumroll please.
We've not had any listenersfrom.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Not yet.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
From space.
So yeah, but please, like wesaid, please write in to
firstsignamesoutlookcom ifyou're listening from space.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
And put the subject of your email as nanu nanu.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Nanu, nanu.
Was that all one word or anyspace?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Oh, you don't get the reference, do you, Wiles?
Speaker 1 (04:41):
No, I was making a joke.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Oh sorry, what did you say?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Is it all one word or ?
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Space.
Oh dear, I get it.
Sorry, williams, I was thinkingabout Orca Mindesh.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
What a show that was.
What a show that was.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
God rest his soul.
You'd have fitted in right inwith Robin Williams.
You and him are like comedy.
Basically, you're one and thesame Comedy geniuses.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Your comedy's so good .
Speaker 2 (05:13):
It goes over some people.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Anyways.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
First look, there was no feedback.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
No, emails or anything?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
no, nothing so you can't even blame that on the
notepad loss.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
That's just nobody's written in no, nobody's written
in at all.
Unbelievable.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
So yeah, please, please, write in whether in Iraq
or in space, write into us andsay hello, we will read out your
emails or your messages.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
We will, as long as I don't save it tonight so first
look some williams.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Did you want to go first?
Yeah, I can jump straight inwilliams.
So this week I have beengetting frustrated and I'm gonna
rant about it on this podcast,because why not, uh, first look?
As listeners may know, we haverecently moved home, recently
had mice, and this week I havebeen getting it or getting
(06:13):
frustrated with the amount ofdadmin, dadministration work
that comes with a new house.
Well, I say a new house as well.
It's not actually a new house,it's an old house.
So this is a first look at anold house with mice.
So this is a dadministrationfirst look at old houses,
purchasing old houses and someof the crap you gotta deal with,
(06:37):
and I thought I'd share somepain because I'm sure some
people out there like you yep,yep well, we've lost our
listeners already.
Well, Walliams, these are justsome of the things that you have
to kind of consider.
List them out.
It's a minefield, WalliamsInsulation.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
What's the right type of insulation Walliams?
Speaker 2 (06:57):
What's the right level of thickness?
I don't bloody know.
I'm trying to figure this out.
People keep telling me numbers.
I'm like well, is it 100 mil?
Is it 270 million?
Can you use foam insulation?
You can't use foam insulation,because then you won't be able
to get a mortgage and all thiskind of ah dad what's going on?
Well, you know what we've hadto start looking at now getting
a wall tanked getting a walltanked.
Do you know what getting a walltanked means?
(07:18):
No, no, neither do I somethingto do with drainage.
Tanked, tanked, yes whensomeone mentions tanks.
I think of tanks like blow itup yeah, blow a hole in the wall
, yeah so no, we've got to havesomeone coming out to look at
getting the wall tanked.
Do you know about gassingwindows, williams gassing?
Speaker 1 (07:35):
windows, gassing windows, gassing windows.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
They haven't got gas double glazed windows,
apparently the gas can go okayyes, you have to get them gassed
and sealed apparently yeah anddo you know Walliams front doors
?
Speaker 1 (07:49):
you know what we should be doing.
We've got a bit of drafts, somaybe they haven't been gassed.
Maybe you need your windowsgassed maybe.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
How's your front door , walliams?
Do you need a new front door?
Well, actually it's gone a bitwonky is that, because of the
subsidence under your shed, isyour house just falling into a
mine shaft slowly but surely.
Oh my gosh, don't joke about it.
Yeah, we just fall into a hole.
We are the shed started to falldown, that what the door started
to come off and I thought itwas all right, like front doors.
(08:17):
So the wifey wife once uh, Ican't say wife, wife, it's your
wife the wife once a um was wasconsidering oh, look at getting
a new front door, because theone we've got is very dated.
She was getting quoted likethree grand for a new front door
, for just a front door.
I was like, is it made of gold?
I was like, bloody hell, onedoor for one front door, like
(08:41):
three grand.
I can imagine if it's frontdoor, back door and new car
doors, but just a front door,williams and a new car, yeah.
And then, because of your frontdoor, you gotta get insurances.
You can't just have any oldinsurance, you gotta get this
insurance and that insurance ontop of it, and then you gotta
get safety certificates so yourinsurance that you've paid over
the over the nose for isinvalidated.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Are you getting your back door done in or?
Speaker 2 (09:06):
it feels like someone's trying to do my back
door in when they give a quoteas three grand for a front door.
Really, it's just likeridiculous.
So, between insurances, frontdoors, gassing the windows,
tanking the walls, trying tounderstand the right kind of
insulation, making sure we'vegot the right certificates in
place, boiler errors and then,just to top it all off, having
(09:26):
to get gutters cleaned I'm justlike the amount of
administration.
We need to get our guys cleaned.
So it's, it's just well.
It's like having previouslyjust been a renter.
You just, you just ring up thepeople's like excuse my might,
there seems to be somethingwrong with that, and someone
comes and fixes it.
Now we've got to do it.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm just.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
This one is just a pure first look at ranty
dadministration not the frontand back, but all the inside
doors done, yeah, and there Imean they're probably about 80
pound per door, and thenobviously you've got a joiner
yeah, so you know 10 doors.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Yeah, that adds up pretty quick, but one door for
three grand it's, it must bemade of flipping silver, gold
and have a diamond handle.
I was like taking a piss, butthe um, it's annoying because I
like doing most of the the kindof work myself.
Yeah, like I can't gas thewindows myself, I can't build a
new front door, I can't sort out, I can't I don't know insure
(10:27):
myself but how, so I'm just likeI'm shaking the angry fist and
all all the things that you haveto do.
I thought just just buy a houseand get on with it.
But no, it's all lessons to belearned.
So if you got, if anyone's got,any tips for me, being a dad,
to get through this, send inyour tips for the dads that were
having to do the administrationand maybe ask the the note or
(10:48):
gnome later or something oh yeah, we he's making an appearance.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
I've heard he's booked his schedule like I said,
the last episode he was at theuh, the wedding celebration and,
um, I had a.
Well, he left a lovely, lovely,lovely words.
Um, he did on the on the phoneand um, yes, I asked him to.
You know, please come back forseason three, so um, be
interested to hear what he says.
Yeah I mean, I don't know, I'mtalking to me.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
There's a new place well, that's true, that's true.
I know he's got somethingspecial up his sleeve.
I think he's yeah, he's got,he's got some ideas, he's got
some ideas so we'll, we'll see,we'll see when he comes later.
But yes, I mean, that was, thatwas my only, that was my first
tip.
Uh, oh sorry, my first look wasjust just at the, the amount,
the sheer amount of differentstuff that you have to try and
(11:33):
sort out it's all quite fun, butalso really just kind of
frustrating at the same timejust don't, don't sort out and
just uh he could wait till yourhouse fills into a mine shaft
sort it then but yes, we'll getthere, we'll get there my first
look, I suppose let's do yourfirst look.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
So I had a first look .
So I I'm a bit of a geek, assome of you may know no but when
I was a kid and still still nowI was a big fan of wallace and
gromit.
Oh yes, and they've got a, anew film coming out this
christmas.
Wow, vengeance most foul.
(12:16):
So I had a first look at thatnews.
Um, and same as the um.
Like I said, yeah, it is thenew era of gnomes and the new,
you know, asda doing their gnomeadverts for bad puns.
What's the grommet VengeanceMost Foul?
So it's about a pre-programmedsmart gnome.
(12:38):
A smart gnome.
A smart gnome called Norbot anddesigned to do any kind of
gardening task or gnomeimprovement.
I've read that one a few times.
Unbelievable, a quick learner,efficient, incredibly polite and
cheerful.
Norbot quickly becomes popularwith the locals to help with
(12:58):
their gardening needs.
So that's Norbot.
Yeah, so Wallace and Gromit,they've invented a, a smart
gnome hang on so again.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
So last week we talked about asda, plagiarizing
the scene.
They have the no wallace andgromit have got a smart gnome.
Yeah, but we have a know it all, no.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
So they're all just they're all just ripping us off
why?
Do you know, know, I knowUnbelievable, you do hear about
it.
So you have these big players,your Aardman Studios, your Asda
owned by Walmart, your bigplayers, and they listen, they
listen.
Probably don't listen, butsomeone listened and decided to
(13:44):
make a start.
I took that idea because, oh,no one else listens to this
podcast.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Not from space anyway , Not from space Still.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
The idea and yeah.
So a bit like the old Father 10episode where they listened to
the B-side of a song andreleased it in Eurovision,
that's what they're doing, mylovely, lovely, lovely boss,
that's what they're doing.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
lovely, lovely, that's what they're doing.
It's a smart moment, yeah well,I'm not happy with that.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
I'm not happy with Aardman Studios for coming come
December, january, we're goingto be getting letters and emails
saying no, no, we've gotcopyright on that outrageous.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Well, you know what they can have the copyright if
they send us a bucket load ofcash and a gnome filled with
money we've got evidence datingback to 2022, so well, I don't
know that.
We found out that you can't usenotepad properly on a computer,
so goodness knows what kind ofprotection we have that's all
right.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Craig, that's all right.
I wrote it down on notepad.
Don't worry, we own rights tothe note or gnome that's all
right.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Yeah, I wrote it down , notepad.
Don't worry, we own rights tothe node or gnome, that's all
right.
Yeah, I wrote a download pad,signed it well, it could be a
very good christmas then.
So, as we've got to send us abucket load of money and aardman
studios have got to send us abucket load of money, we'll be
we'll be laughing this year.
Happy to come to an agreement,for they sponsor us we'll be
able to buy all the front doorsI was gonna want as they can
(15:01):
sponsor us and give us our firstto first and food weekly shop.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
That would be good.
And uh, and urban studios, theycan um, make a movie that's in
it, maybe to be fair to asda.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
I don't know if we we do a lot of our shopping at
asda and you know you do theselike click and collects or
delivery and you order I don'tknow a packet of five bacon
rashers, maybe a Brusselsbroccoli and some cornflakes and
(15:34):
they're like, oh, sorry, yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
I'm going to see if you ever try it.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Bacon, broccoli and cornflakes Mmm.
Well, rather than going to theshop, you'll order this online.
And then you get an email fromthem and it says sorry, there's
been some substitutions.
And you think, all right, well,if I haven't got bacon, what
have they got me?
Maybe they got me some sausages, or maybe it's a smoked bacon
instead, and it's like babywipes.
Like I don bacon instead, andit's like baby wipes, like I
(16:04):
don't want baby wipes instead ofbacon.
And we didn't have broccolieither, so we so we'll give you
some kitchen roll.
And as for the cornflakes,we've given you a two liter
bottle of semi-skim milk.
You're like what are you doing?
I've never known a companywhose substitutions are more
batshit, crazy than the asda.
The asda, so we love you, asda,but sort your substitutions out
(16:24):
and stop ripping us off wouldyou stop ripping us off, so are
you looking forward to the movie?
Speaker 1 (16:29):
I am, I am.
It's got, um, it's got a bit ofa bit of a comeback from uh
feathers mcgraw, who was uh thepenguin from um wrong trousers,
which, uh, was 1990s.
Well, yeah, that's the thing.
I can't remember the name, butyeah, yes, it's a new voice yeah
new voice for wallace.
(16:49):
Um see, we'll see how that goes, but does it sound the same
from the trailer.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
Did it sound like I?
Speaker 1 (16:55):
can't, actually, I think, give him a new one, um,
couldn't they?
Yeah, well, I don't know, Idon't know when he, when he
passed um, but um, because it'sonly very recently they've had
the rights of ai and if you dosign this and we can use,
because, like darth vader, hesigned james l jones.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, he died, didn't he?
Speaker 1 (17:17):
and gave signed away his rights, yeah yeah, but, um,
yeah, looking forward to that,I've actually got, um, it's a
little logan, he's uh, he'swatched, um, he's watched, uh,
the first two watson gromitfilms.
He loves them, which is good,uh, especially the grand day out
, the first one.
When you watch the first oneyou don't realize I mean, it's a
(17:37):
, it's a work of art, but butyou know it's 1992 or something
like that.
It's a long time ago, yeah, andit's, yeah, it's your old
school Cause it's your, it'syour, um, what's it called Stop
motion?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
motion animation yeah .
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So it literally had taken.
Took him years to make it,cause just move a little bit of
plastic, take a picture.
A little bit of plastic, take apicture, whereas now I imagine
ai helps and all that sort ofstuff.
But um, yeah, so uh, yeah,logan's, logan's watching it, so
it's uh and it was my one, ofmy granddad's um his favorite
(18:13):
film, so it's now passed on tothe fourth generation watching
so, but he's had his first lookat Wilson Gromit.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Aww.
Well, that'll be lovely atChristmas to be able to watch
that together yeah.
And is it a feature-lengthmovie or is it like a 30-minute
one?
Speaker 1 (18:28):
It is.
No, it's the secondfeature-length Logan's not
watched the first feature-lengththey did, which was the Curse
of the Were-Rabbit.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
I've never seen that one.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Was it good?
I didn't watch that muchactually, but we're going to
watch it again.
It is universal, so it shouldbe all right, but I don't know
if it's too scary for a lessthan two-year-old.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Well, here we go.
I was thinking aboutstop-motion animation, right?
So you said it takes a longtime.
Well, less so now, but back inthe day.
So it would have been likeabout 24, 25 frames per second.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
So that's like every what's the mass on that.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
The film was 26 minutes and it took them a long
time, so by my rough calculation, they had to do nearly 38,000
shots, like one by one.
That's a long time't it?
Nudge shoot, nudge shoot 38 000times, I'm probably completely
wrong by that.
So if again, if you know howmany frames they shot right into
(19:36):
first look gnomes, hellolookcom tell us we're stupid.
We already know we are but,tell us anyway, very good well,
that's exciting.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I'm looking forward to that I'm looking forward to
gavin and stacy as well,actually and then, um, a little
mini, a mini, uh, it's not a newsegment but um, the wifey, the
wifey sort of said a littlefirst look, uh, last week, um, I
was, uh, I don't know where Iwas.
Where was I?
I think I was doing that, I wasdoing the planning.
First look, last week I was, Idon't know where I was.
I think I was doing theplanning meeting for season
(20:07):
three with Ema Sajkis, so shegot to watch some of her shows.
So she started watching theRivals oh filth.
I asked her how it was and theonly thing she said was A-Tax
bosoms were incredible.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
So a tax.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Bosoms were incredible there you go very
good, uh, yeah she'll watch therivals um so that's like that's
charlotte from um in between.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
This isn't it.
She was, yeah, charlotte bigbig't, remember she was, yeah,
charlotte Bigton.
That was her name in thein-betweeners, and now her
knockers have got the approvalfrom the government.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
Some chap gets his willy out as well.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
That's very 2024, isn't it?
If you're going to see some,some knockers, you need to see
some, yeah as well.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
It's all hanging out from the sands of it.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
So, uh, yes, you see the there was a show, um, we saw
it on goggle box and it was ashow that ryland was doing where
it's like the naked first dates.
It's like and we saw a bit ofit.
I was like I quite like ryan.
I was like rylan, why have youallowed yourself to this?
It's gonna sound very pretty,but why are they all naked?
(21:28):
I don't get it like who thinksthat's a good idea.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
It's just bonkers in it.
Yeah, just trying to push thepush the envelopes of the right
thing oh, I don't know, it'sjust too much, too much anyway.
Anyways, have we heard from thesmart name?
Sorry, sorry, that's copyrightthe no or no?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
oh yeah, the no or no .
He, um, he messaged me, he saidlike, oh, he wants to, he wants
to.
Instead of just turning upevery so often, he wants to
actually do a bit of a feature.
Okay, um, so I'm gonna, I'mgonna go, because, like he's got
a he needs one contract next ishe.
He probably will want acontract, but I'll let him in.
I'm gonna go and make up a teamstuff and I'm gonna see if he's
(22:11):
working for aardman now as wellyeah, well, absolutely, you can
ask him about that when hearrives, um.
But no, I'm gonna go make up atea and he'll come in in a
second, sit on the chair and benice to him because he's getting
old.
Now he's going to come and talkto you for a minute, so I'm
going to go and make a cup oftea.
I'll speak to you in a bitright.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Milk, one sugar no sugar, just milk, please he's
sweet enough sweet enough Hello.
Hey, it's the Know it All,Gnome Hello.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Daniel.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
I'm not seeing you for Well, it's a wedding
celebration.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
No, I've been very busy, but I must say I loved
your wedding.
It was a really beautiful,wonderful day.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
You left a lovely message.
I remember it.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
What did he say?
Boobs?
Oh well, he's perhaps scallioncity sausages too.
Not like me, who's a bit ofclass.
It's nice to be here, and Ithought last season there were
some people who said some notvery nice things about me, if
you remember when I came on yourshow and I wanted to make
(23:27):
people feel better.
So I thought this year I'd giveyou a bit more backstory about
me and maybe you would actuallyuse my knowledge to help people.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Well, you know it all , don't you?
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Yeah, I do know, I know a lot.
I know that I've been rippedoff recently by Artman, and Asda
have used my likeness in one oftheir Christmas adverts.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
I was going to ask was that you or was that just a
copy of?
Yes, it was me.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
They paid me £10,000 and.
I said yes, you can have mylikeness.
So I've bought myself a lovelyfront door and some interior
doors.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
So just your likeness , not your actual knowledge.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
No, not my knowledge.
My knowledge is something thatcannot be bought or sold, but I
thought I would share it withsome of your listeners.
So many of you might not know,but I was married to Mrs
Know-It-All-Known for 83glorious years until she was
sadly destroyed by a runawayrobot lawnmower five years ago,
(24:26):
pretty much to the day.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Very sad, was it?
Speaker 2 (24:28):
oh sorry yes, it was very sad.
So, to celebrate her and ourwonderful 83 years of marriage,
I thought it would focus onsharing marriage advice to the
wonderful listeners of thislovely little podcast.
Over the summer, I asked somelisteners anonymously to send in
their question and today'squestion comes from a female.
(24:50):
She wrote in to first lookgnomes at outlookcom with this
question mind the microphonethere.
My husband's idea of romance iswatching sports together.
How do I tell him that isn'tquite what I had in mind.
So her name will be Anonymous.
(25:13):
Hopefully my answer won't giveaway too many clues about who
she may be.
But Anonymous, listener, you'vetouched on a classic marital
predicament, an old-age class ofromantic ideals.
You envision candlelightdinners and whispered sweet
nothings, while your husbandimagines Domino's pizza, four
cans of beer and the dulcettones of Peter Drury shouting
(25:35):
Newcastle have won.
So how do you change things andtell him that his romantic
instincts are about as subtle asa referee's whistle?
Well, the answer, like mostthings to do with men, comes
down to what motivates him.
If he's the man I think he is,I'm guessing he's probably
motivated by sex.
So why not start by explainingthat?
(25:59):
while watching him yell at theTV for three hours is certainly
an experience.
It doesn't quite set your loinsablaze.
In fact, it's about as arousingas folding socks.
You could then try spicingthings up by suggesting a
compromise.
Tell him you'll happily joinhim for a sports night of
watching Newcastle vs ManchesterUnited if he promises to
(26:19):
participate in your version ofromance Perhaps a romantic
dinner or a cocktail makinglesson.
And if he balks in your versionof romance, perhaps a romantic
dinner or a cocktail makinglesson.
And if he bulks, use hismotivators Sex.
Remind him that if he wants toscore a real goal and not just
watch Shearer, score them thenit needs to play fair.
If not, use a sports metaphorand tell him your end zone is
(26:41):
officially closed.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Remember to remember, oh dear, use a sports metaphor
and tell him your end zone isofficially closed, remember, oh
dear relationships are built ongive and take.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
You're giving him a chance to fix this and if he
doesn't, well, you can alwaysmute him like the TV.
For more marriage advice, seehim at firstlooknomes at
howluckcom with the titlemarriage advice email.
Firstlooknomes at howlookcomwith the title Marriage Advice.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
Thank you, you're very welcome.
Is there anyone else written inor is just the one email?
Just the one for now Just theone, I'm sure, but I'm sure I'm
sure after that wonderful advice.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
We'll be inundated with people males, females and
gnomes who want to pick my brainto help their marriage blossom.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
So is it just marriage tips, just marriage
tips.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Just sticking to marriage, just marriage this
year.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
This season is just about marriage.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
We'll see how it goes .
I suspect by the end of it I'llhave my own talk show.
I imagine I'll be a guest onLorraine.
I'm sure I'll probably beinvited to guest host this
morning.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
I'm sure you will.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
I've heard that there's a good show where all
the contestants go out becauseI'm single now because I got
destroyed by a robot lawnmower.
So I've heard there's a goodshow which everyone appears
naked.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
And that might be one to go on your dear wife's name.
Was it Moe Sorry?
Speaker 2 (28:23):
You insensitive sod.
Sorry, that's my wife you'retalking about.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
She was called Beatrice, sorry I thought it was
a good joke, but it didn'tquite.
It was.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
It was, it didn't quite.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
It didn't quite.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
It didn't quite oh dear.
Anyway, it's good to see thatin Season 3, that you two are
finally up in your game andgetting proper content for this
podcast and not just making shitup.
On that note, I'm going to goback now because it's very late
and Craig wants to come back ingetting proper content for this
(29:02):
podcast and not just making shitup on that note.
I'm going to go back now, causeit's very late.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
And.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Craig wants to come back in.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Thank you, no, no, no .
Thank you very much.
We'll see you in a couple ofweeks.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
See you in a few weeks.
Bye, bye, bye.
I heard you two laughing.
What was it?
What was he talking about?
Speaker 1 (29:22):
you two laughing.
What was it?
What was he talking about?
Oh, just uh.
No, we weren't laughing.
It's very sad.
He's um sad.
Yeah, he's uh, he's uh, he'shis no name, wife, um, I forget.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
Oh, yeah, beatrice, yeah, beatrice, that was on yes
today.
I think you said so yeah, Iremember he told me about how
she died.
She got she got smashed by arobot lawnmower.
Just tragic, williams, tragic.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Should we end on a?
Well, this is up to you, MrArchkiss, but I think you want
to end on a bad joke, a bad joke, yes, please.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
I mean, they're all bad jokes, but Bad joke who's
bad?
Who's bad's bad he is go onthen bad joke us Walliams.
No, it's you, it's your segment, bad joke.
Oh is it?
I did not prep for this in thefunny meeting.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
We said I'll do a bad joke, and then you'll do a bad
joke, I'll do a bad joke, I'vejust done.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Loads of bad jokes.
So when I when I say bad joke,I've just done, loads of bad
jokes.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
So when I say bad joke, I mean rude.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Yeah, what Can we?
Speaker 1 (30:26):
do a rude one.
Well, it's going to bepublishable.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Hang on, let me.
No, some of the ones I'mthinking of are very Okay, right
, you can.
Oh, yes, I said you know what Isaid last time.
I said I would let you know.
I would tell you about acompany who do really bad jokes,
really bad taste, dirty,horrible, rude jokes.
(30:53):
Not that I would ever condonethat sort of thing.
So I'm not actually going totell any bad jokes, but I'm
going to point you to anInstagram account called Jimmy
and Nimmy and nath jimmy andnath and they do dad jokes, but
they do really rude, bad dadjokes.
Rude, bad dad.
They are very rude.
I I can tell you that I toldwalliams a few of these.
Uh, offline cut out, they couldnot be used in the podcast.
(31:18):
But if you are in now, this isvery.
It's a very specific, uh kindof listener who would enjoy
these kind of jokes.
If you are in now, this is very.
It's a very specific kind oflistener who would enjoy these
kind of jokes if you are intovery rude humour and very bad
taste jokes.
Jimmy and Nath on Instagram.
I have enjoyed their account.
I've enjoyed listening to someof the jokes.
Some of the jokes are reallyquite rude, but it's.
(31:39):
Some of them are very funny, sogo and have a look at that.
Let me see if there's any ofthese that are usable.
How do you circumcise ahillbilly?
No, nope, cut that, williams.
Some of these are really bad.
(31:59):
Yeah, okay, I forgot that I wasmeant to do the bad jokes.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Come back in next month.
I mean, you could do so many.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
Okay, I mean, when you say bad jokes, are they just
bad jokes or are they like goodjokes?
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Well, yeah, like we said, the difference between bad
jokes and bad jokes is just thefirst letters.
The wrong way around.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
I just can't deliver a better joke the way you do
either.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
Well, there's so many jokes you could have done.
I don't think you've had it.
You could have done someelevator jokes.
I mean, they're funny on somany levels.
Or you could have done somechemistry jokes.
They always get a good reaction.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
See, bad jokes have to be cut.
Unfortunately, you just you arethe joke man.
Instead, can we pretend, shouldwe recall, let's re-record the
end, so let's, we'd, we'd kindof got to, and should we end on
a bad joke?
Um, and we'll say you know what?
No, we don't want bad jokes,want dad jokes.
And you can tell us a jokevolumes, because you do funny
ones bad jokes are cancelledokay, so well.
(33:08):
Now we're at the end of the show.
We we were originally going tofinish on bad jokes, but I was
meant to prepare that andcompletely forgot that I was
meant to.
So, to be honest, ladies andgentlemen, nobody wants to hear
me tell jokes anyway.
We'd all rather hear the man,the the legend that is Walliams,
tell one of his classic dadjokes.
Half the time he doesn't evenknow he's telling the jokes, or
(33:29):
I don't even realize he'stelling the jokes.
So to put him on the spot likethis is probably a bit cruel,
but I'm guessing, knowing howmany bad dad jokes he tells on a
daily basis, he's probably gota brain full of them and he
could just tap into it at anytime.
Over to you, walliams.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
Just because your bad jokes are so bad.
I mean, did you hear the jokeabout the really short king?
He was 12 inches tall.
I didn't no, he was a inchestall.
I didn't no, he was a greatruler, See Walliams.
Speaker 2 (34:08):
Why do we even consider?
Why will I get to be in the badjokes?
Speaker 1 (34:12):
You're the king of the jokes.
Until next time, everybody.
Until episode three.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
Until episode three.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Goodbye.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Bye everyone.
I'm single now because Mrs Noamgot destroyed by a robot
lawnmower.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Your dear wife's name .
Was it Moe?
just the episode, two of us.
We can make a good episode ifwe try just the two of us, if we
try just the two of us buildingepisodes bottom of the garden
in the sky just episode two ofus, you and I, you and I.
Bravo, yeah, welcome backepisode two first, let go two
(00:39):
weeks.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
It's been nostalgic what are two weeks it's been.
You know you're singing thatsong.
It's it straight away.
Took me back to Austin Powersand Mini-Me.
Do you remember that?
I don't know if.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
I take that as a compliment or Well, just the
song.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
The song.
It takes me back to AustinPowers.
Then I think of Will Smith,pre-slappy days, will Smith,
when Will Smith could do nowrong.
Yeah, good intro, Wiles, goodintro, thank you, I don't know
where you get them all.
I don't know how you come upwith them all.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
I really don't.
I've not seen Austin Powers ina long time.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
No, probably due a comeback.
It'd probably be cancelledthese days.
Let's be honest.
Do you know what I haven't seenin a long time?
Speaker 1 (01:22):
What haven't you seen in a?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
long time your tackle ?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
I've not seen your tackle in a very long time.
I've not seen your tackle in avery long time, neither have I.
Do you want to get your rod out?
We've not been there for awhile.
Shall we go to the Fishpond offeedback?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Fishpond of feedback.
Feedback, I don't think tackleat Wells.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yeah, we'll get a new theme tune for that Um season
four.
Uh, I, I did have a.
I did have some prepared notes,but I I lost them.
Um tips with ads, just to goback an episode don't use
notebook, use something elsethat auto-saves.
Literally every single platformor software auto-saves these
(02:11):
days, apart from notepad.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Notepad on Windows computers but don't use notepad.
I mean also tips for dads,unless you don't want stuff
auto-saved.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
You know, if you want , I don't know Notepad maybe is
the last of the privacy programsyou could also just remember to
save your work, williams.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I mean you know yeah, all that I mean amateurs.
We are not.
We are meant to beprofessionals.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
But what I do know is we do have listeners still
listening.
That's what listeners do, Ihope so.
We've got new listeners inroseville, california, waybridge
in england hey, we know, thatis uh, dohawk in dohawk.
(03:03):
I don't know where dohawk is,d-u-h-o-k do hawk?
Speaker 2 (03:08):
no, I'm not sure on that one bay city, michigan
michigan.
Oh, do you know?
Do hawk.
It's a city in iraq, is it?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
yeah, okay, wow okay, don't say hello, hello, do hawk
helloawk.
Well, you just did, honestly.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Well, that's true.
Yeah, iraq, We've got peoplewho've been to a summer rack.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
That's crazy why not, we're international Well that's
true.
Bakersfield, California.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Hi California.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
And Hamilton, ontario .
Oh well, that might be someonewe know as well.
And the theme for the lastthree seasons was have we got
any listeners in Africa?
And we did the last episode.
We got a listener in Cairo, inEgypt, and, as per last episode,
(03:59):
we are looking for our firstlisteners from space, ideally
the moon, ideally Uranus.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Or further afield.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Or further afield, Drumroll please.
We've not had any listenersfrom.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Not yet.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
From space.
So yeah, but please, like wesaid, please write in to
firstsignamesoutlookcom ifyou're listening from space.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
And put the subject of your email as nanu nanu.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Nanu, nanu.
Was that all one word or anyspace?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Oh, you don't get the reference, do you, Wiles?
Speaker 1 (04:41):
No, I was making a joke.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Oh sorry, what did you say?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Is it all one word or ?
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Space.
Oh dear, I get it.
Sorry, williams, I was thinkingabout Orca Mindesh.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
What a show that was.
What a show that was.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
God rest his soul.
You'd have fitted in right inwith Robin Williams.
You and him are like comedy.
Basically, you're one and thesame Comedy geniuses.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Your comedy's so good .
Speaker 2 (05:13):
It goes over some people.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Anyways.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
First look, there was no feedback.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
No, emails or anything?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
no, nothing so you can't even blame that on the
notepad loss.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
That's just nobody's written in no, nobody's written
in at all.
Unbelievable.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
So yeah, please, please, write in whether in Iraq
or in space, write into us andsay hello, we will read out your
emails or your messages.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
We will, as long as I don't save it tonight so first
look some williams.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Did you want to go first?
Yeah, I can jump straight inwilliams.
So this week I have beengetting frustrated and I'm gonna
rant about it on this podcast,because why not, uh, first look?
As listeners may know, we haverecently moved home, recently
had mice, and this week I havebeen getting it or getting
(06:13):
frustrated with the amount ofdadmin, dadministration work
that comes with a new house.
Well, I say a new house as well.
It's not actually a new house,it's an old house.
So this is a first look at anold house with mice.
So this is a dadministrationfirst look at old houses,
purchasing old houses and someof the crap you gotta deal with,
(06:37):
and I thought I'd share somepain because I'm sure some
people out there like you yep,yep well, we've lost our
listeners already.
Well, Walliams, these are justsome of the things that you have
to kind of consider.
List them out.
It's a minefield, WalliamsInsulation.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
What's the right type of insulation Walliams?
Speaker 2 (06:57):
What's the right level of thickness?
I don't bloody know.
I'm trying to figure this out.
People keep telling me numbers.
I'm like well, is it 100 mil?
Is it 270 million?
Can you use foam insulation?
You can't use foam insulation,because then you won't be able
to get a mortgage and all thiskind of ah dad what's going on?
Well, you know what we've hadto start looking at now getting
a wall tanked getting a walltanked.
Do you know what getting a walltanked means?
(07:18):
No, no, neither do I somethingto do with drainage.
Tanked, tanked, yes whensomeone mentions tanks.
I think of tanks like blow itup yeah, blow a hole in the wall
, yeah so no, we've got to havesomeone coming out to look at
getting the wall tanked.
Do you know about gassingwindows, williams gassing?
Speaker 1 (07:35):
windows, gassing windows, gassing windows.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
They haven't got gas double glazed windows,
apparently the gas can go okayyes, you have to get them gassed
and sealed apparently yeah anddo you know Walliams front doors
?
Speaker 1 (07:49):
you know what we should be doing.
We've got a bit of drafts, somaybe they haven't been gassed.
Maybe you need your windowsgassed maybe.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
How's your front door , walliams?
Do you need a new front door?
Well, actually it's gone a bitwonky is that, because of the
subsidence under your shed, isyour house just falling into a
mine shaft slowly but surely.
Oh my gosh, don't joke about it.
Yeah, we just fall into a hole.
We are the shed started to falldown, that what the door started
to come off and I thought itwas all right, like front doors.
(08:17):
So the wifey wife once uh, Ican't say wife, wife, it's your
wife the wife once a um was wasconsidering oh, look at getting
a new front door, because theone we've got is very dated.
She was getting quoted likethree grand for a new front door
, for just a front door.
I was like, is it made of gold?
I was like, bloody hell, onedoor for one front door, like
(08:41):
three grand.
I can imagine if it's frontdoor, back door and new car
doors, but just a front door,williams and a new car, yeah.
And then, because of your frontdoor, you gotta get insurances.
You can't just have any oldinsurance, you gotta get this
insurance and that insurance ontop of it, and then you gotta
get safety certificates so yourinsurance that you've paid over
the over the nose for isinvalidated.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Are you getting your back door done in or?
Speaker 2 (09:06):
it feels like someone's trying to do my back
door in when they give a quoteas three grand for a front door.
Really, it's just likeridiculous.
So, between insurances, frontdoors, gassing the windows,
tanking the walls, trying tounderstand the right kind of
insulation, making sure we'vegot the right certificates in
place, boiler errors and then,just to top it all off, having
(09:26):
to get gutters cleaned I'm justlike the amount of
administration.
We need to get our guys cleaned.
So it's, it's just well.
It's like having previouslyjust been a renter.
You just, you just ring up thepeople's like excuse my might,
there seems to be somethingwrong with that, and someone
comes and fixes it.
Now we've got to do it.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm just.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
This one is just a pure first look at ranty
dadministration not the frontand back, but all the inside
doors done, yeah, and there Imean they're probably about 80
pound per door, and thenobviously you've got a joiner
yeah, so you know 10 doors.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Yeah, that adds up pretty quick, but one door for
three grand it's, it must bemade of flipping silver, gold
and have a diamond handle.
I was like taking a piss, butthe um, it's annoying because I
like doing most of the the kindof work myself.
Yeah, like I can't gas thewindows myself, I can't build a
new front door, I can't sort out, I can't I don't know insure
(10:27):
myself but how, so I'm just likeI'm shaking the angry fist and
all all the things that you haveto do.
I thought just just buy a houseand get on with it.
But no, it's all lessons to belearned.
So if you got, if anyone's got,any tips for me, being a dad,
to get through this, send inyour tips for the dads that were
having to do the administrationand maybe ask the the note or
(10:48):
gnome later or something oh yeah, we he's making an appearance.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
I've heard he's booked his schedule like I said,
the last episode he was at theuh, the wedding celebration and,
um, I had a.
Well, he left a lovely, lovely,lovely words.
Um, he did on the on the phoneand um, yes, I asked him to.
You know, please come back forseason three, so um, be
interested to hear what he says.
Yeah I mean, I don't know, I'mtalking to me.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
There's a new place well, that's true, that's true.
I know he's got somethingspecial up his sleeve.
I think he's yeah, he's got,he's got some ideas, he's got
some ideas so we'll, we'll see,we'll see when he comes later.
But yes, I mean, that was, thatwas my only, that was my first
tip.
Uh, oh sorry, my first look wasjust just at the, the amount,
the sheer amount of differentstuff that you have to try and
(11:33):
sort out it's all quite fun, butalso really just kind of
frustrating at the same timejust don't, don't sort out and
just uh he could wait till yourhouse fills into a mine shaft
sort it then but yes, we'll getthere, we'll get there my first
look, I suppose let's do yourfirst look.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
So I had a first look .
So I I'm a bit of a geek, assome of you may know no but when
I was a kid and still still nowI was a big fan of wallace and
gromit.
Oh yes, and they've got a, anew film coming out this
christmas.
Wow, vengeance most foul.
(12:16):
So I had a first look at thatnews.
Um, and same as the um.
Like I said, yeah, it is thenew era of gnomes and the new,
you know, asda doing their gnomeadverts for bad puns.
What's the grommet VengeanceMost Foul?
So it's about a pre-programmedsmart gnome.
(12:38):
A smart gnome.
A smart gnome called Norbot anddesigned to do any kind of
gardening task or gnomeimprovement.
I've read that one a few times.
Unbelievable, a quick learner,efficient, incredibly polite and
cheerful.
Norbot quickly becomes popularwith the locals to help with
(12:58):
their gardening needs.
So that's Norbot.
Yeah, so Wallace and Gromit,they've invented a, a smart
gnome hang on so again.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
So last week we talked about asda, plagiarizing
the scene.
They have the no wallace andgromit have got a smart gnome.
Yeah, but we have a know it all, no.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
So they're all just they're all just ripping us off
why?
Do you know, know, I knowUnbelievable, you do hear about
it.
So you have these big players,your Aardman Studios, your Asda
owned by Walmart, your bigplayers, and they listen, they
listen.
Probably don't listen, butsomeone listened and decided to
(13:44):
make a start.
I took that idea because, oh,no one else listens to this
podcast.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Not from space anyway , Not from space Still.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
The idea and yeah.
So a bit like the old Father 10episode where they listened to
the B-side of a song andreleased it in Eurovision,
that's what they're doing, mylovely, lovely, lovely boss,
that's what they're doing.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
lovely, lovely, that's what they're doing.
It's a smart moment, yeah well,I'm not happy with that.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
I'm not happy with Aardman Studios for coming come
December, january, we're goingto be getting letters and emails
saying no, no, we've gotcopyright on that outrageous.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Well, you know what they can have the copyright if
they send us a bucket load ofcash and a gnome filled with
money we've got evidence datingback to 2022, so well, I don't
know that.
We found out that you can't usenotepad properly on a computer,
so goodness knows what kind ofprotection we have that's all
right.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Craig, that's all right.
I wrote it down on notepad.
Don't worry, we own rights tothe note or gnome that's all
right.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Yeah, I wrote it down , notepad.
Don't worry, we own rights tothe node or gnome, that's all
right.
Yeah, I wrote a download pad,signed it well, it could be a
very good christmas then.
So, as we've got to send us abucket load of money and aardman
studios have got to send us abucket load of money, we'll be
we'll be laughing this year.
Happy to come to an agreement,for they sponsor us we'll be
able to buy all the front doorsI was gonna want as they can
(15:01):
sponsor us and give us our firstto first and food weekly shop.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
That would be good.
And uh, and urban studios, theycan um, make a movie that's in
it, maybe to be fair to asda.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
I don't know if we we do a lot of our shopping at
asda and you know you do theselike click and collects or
delivery and you order I don'tknow a packet of five bacon
rashers, maybe a Brusselsbroccoli and some cornflakes and
(15:34):
they're like, oh, sorry, yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
I'm going to see if you ever try it.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Bacon, broccoli and cornflakes Mmm.
Well, rather than going to theshop, you'll order this online.
And then you get an email fromthem and it says sorry, there's
been some substitutions.
And you think, all right, well,if I haven't got bacon, what
have they got me?
Maybe they got me some sausages, or maybe it's a smoked bacon
instead, and it's like babywipes.
Like I don bacon instead, andit's like baby wipes, like I
(16:04):
don't want baby wipes instead ofbacon.
And we didn't have broccolieither, so we so we'll give you
some kitchen roll.
And as for the cornflakes,we've given you a two liter
bottle of semi-skim milk.
You're like what are you doing?
I've never known a companywhose substitutions are more
batshit, crazy than the asda.
The asda, so we love you, asda,but sort your substitutions out
(16:24):
and stop ripping us off wouldyou stop ripping us off, so are
you looking forward to the movie?
Speaker 1 (16:29):
I am, I am.
It's got, um, it's got a bit ofa bit of a comeback from uh
feathers mcgraw, who was uh thepenguin from um wrong trousers,
which, uh, was 1990s.
Well, yeah, that's the thing.
I can't remember the name, butyeah, yes, it's a new voice yeah
new voice for wallace.
(16:49):
Um see, we'll see how that goes, but does it sound the same
from the trailer.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
Did it sound like I?
Speaker 1 (16:55):
can't, actually, I think, give him a new one, um,
couldn't they?
Yeah, well, I don't know, Idon't know when he, when he
passed um, but um, because it'sonly very recently they've had
the rights of ai and if you dosign this and we can use,
because, like darth vader, hesigned james l jones.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, he died, didn't he?
Speaker 1 (17:17):
and gave signed away his rights, yeah yeah, but, um,
yeah, looking forward to that,I've actually got, um, it's a
little logan, he's uh, he'swatched, um, he's watched, uh,
the first two watson gromitfilms.
He loves them, which is good,uh, especially the grand day out
, the first one.
When you watch the first oneyou don't realize I mean, it's a
(17:37):
, it's a work of art, but butyou know it's 1992 or something
like that.
It's a long time ago, yeah, andit's, yeah, it's your old
school Cause it's your, it'syour, um, what's it called Stop
motion?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
motion animation yeah .
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So it literally had taken.
Took him years to make it,cause just move a little bit of
plastic, take a picture.
A little bit of plastic, take apicture, whereas now I imagine
ai helps and all that sort ofstuff.
But um, yeah, so uh, yeah,logan's, logan's watching it, so
it's uh and it was my one, ofmy granddad's um his favorite
(18:13):
film, so it's now passed on tothe fourth generation watching
so, but he's had his first lookat Wilson Gromit.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Aww.
Well, that'll be lovely atChristmas to be able to watch
that together yeah.
And is it a feature-lengthmovie or is it like a 30-minute
one?
Speaker 1 (18:28):
It is.
No, it's the secondfeature-length Logan's not
watched the first feature-lengththey did, which was the Curse
of the Were-Rabbit.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
I've never seen that one.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Was it good?
I didn't watch that muchactually, but we're going to
watch it again.
It is universal, so it shouldbe all right, but I don't know
if it's too scary for a lessthan two-year-old.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Well, here we go.
I was thinking aboutstop-motion animation, right?
So you said it takes a longtime.
Well, less so now, but back inthe day.
So it would have been likeabout 24, 25 frames per second.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
So that's like every what's the mass on that.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
The film was 26 minutes and it took them a long
time, so by my rough calculation, they had to do nearly 38,000
shots, like one by one.
That's a long time't it?
Nudge shoot, nudge shoot 38 000times, I'm probably completely
wrong by that.
So if again, if you know howmany frames they shot right into
(19:36):
first look gnomes, hellolookcom tell us we're stupid.
We already know we are but,tell us anyway, very good well,
that's exciting.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I'm looking forward to that I'm looking forward to
gavin and stacy as well,actually and then, um, a little
mini, a mini, uh, it's not a newsegment but um, the wifey, the
wifey sort of said a littlefirst look, uh, last week, um, I
was, uh, I don't know where Iwas.
Where was I?
I think I was doing that, I wasdoing the planning.
First look, last week I was, Idon't know where I was.
I think I was doing theplanning meeting for season
(20:07):
three with Ema Sajkis, so shegot to watch some of her shows.
So she started watching theRivals oh filth.
I asked her how it was and theonly thing she said was A-Tax
bosoms were incredible.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
So a tax.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Bosoms were incredible there you go very
good, uh, yeah she'll watch therivals um so that's like that's
charlotte from um in between.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
This isn't it.
She was, yeah, charlotte bigbig't, remember she was, yeah,
charlotte Bigton.
That was her name in thein-betweeners, and now her
knockers have got the approvalfrom the government.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
Some chap gets his willy out as well.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
That's very 2024, isn't it?
If you're going to see some,some knockers, you need to see
some, yeah as well.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
It's all hanging out from the sands of it.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
So, uh, yes, you see the there was a show, um, we saw
it on goggle box and it was ashow that ryland was doing where
it's like the naked first dates.
It's like and we saw a bit ofit.
I was like I quite like ryan.
I was like rylan, why have youallowed yourself to this?
It's gonna sound very pretty,but why are they all naked?
(21:28):
I don't get it like who thinksthat's a good idea.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
It's just bonkers in it.
Yeah, just trying to push thepush the envelopes of the right
thing oh, I don't know, it'sjust too much, too much anyway.
Anyways, have we heard from thesmart name?
Sorry, sorry, that's copyrightthe no or no?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
oh yeah, the no or no .
He, um, he messaged me, he saidlike, oh, he wants to, he wants
to.
Instead of just turning upevery so often, he wants to
actually do a bit of a feature.
Okay, um, so I'm gonna, I'mgonna go, because, like he's got
a he needs one contract next ishe.
He probably will want acontract, but I'll let him in.
I'm gonna go and make up a teamstuff and I'm gonna see if he's
(22:11):
working for aardman now as wellyeah, well, absolutely, you can
ask him about that when hearrives, um.
But no, I'm gonna go make up atea and he'll come in in a
second, sit on the chair and benice to him because he's getting
old.
Now he's going to come and talkto you for a minute, so I'm
going to go and make a cup oftea.
I'll speak to you in a bitright.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Milk, one sugar no sugar, just milk, please he's
sweet enough sweet enough Hello.
Hey, it's the Know it All,Gnome Hello.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Daniel.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
I'm not seeing you for Well, it's a wedding
celebration.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
No, I've been very busy, but I must say I loved
your wedding.
It was a really beautiful,wonderful day.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
You left a lovely message.
I remember it.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
What did he say?
Boobs?
Oh well, he's perhaps scallioncity sausages too.
Not like me, who's a bit ofclass.
It's nice to be here, and Ithought last season there were
some people who said some notvery nice things about me, if
you remember when I came on yourshow and I wanted to make
(23:27):
people feel better.
So I thought this year I'd giveyou a bit more backstory about
me and maybe you would actuallyuse my knowledge to help people.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Well, you know it all , don't you?
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Yeah, I do know, I know a lot.
I know that I've been rippedoff recently by Artman, and Asda
have used my likeness in one oftheir Christmas adverts.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
I was going to ask was that you or was that just a
copy of?
Yes, it was me.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
They paid me £10,000 and.
I said yes, you can have mylikeness.
So I've bought myself a lovelyfront door and some interior
doors.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
So just your likeness , not your actual knowledge.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
No, not my knowledge.
My knowledge is something thatcannot be bought or sold, but I
thought I would share it withsome of your listeners.
So many of you might not know,but I was married to Mrs
Know-It-All-Known for 83glorious years until she was
sadly destroyed by a runawayrobot lawnmower five years ago,
(24:26):
pretty much to the day.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Very sad, was it?
Speaker 2 (24:28):
oh sorry yes, it was very sad.
So, to celebrate her and ourwonderful 83 years of marriage,
I thought it would focus onsharing marriage advice to the
wonderful listeners of thislovely little podcast.
Over the summer, I asked somelisteners anonymously to send in
their question and today'squestion comes from a female.
(24:50):
She wrote in to first lookgnomes at outlookcom with this
question mind the microphonethere.
My husband's idea of romance iswatching sports together.
How do I tell him that isn'tquite what I had in mind.
So her name will be Anonymous.
(25:13):
Hopefully my answer won't giveaway too many clues about who
she may be.
But Anonymous, listener, you'vetouched on a classic marital
predicament, an old-age class ofromantic ideals.
You envision candlelightdinners and whispered sweet
nothings, while your husbandimagines Domino's pizza, four
cans of beer and the dulcettones of Peter Drury shouting
(25:35):
Newcastle have won.
So how do you change things andtell him that his romantic
instincts are about as subtle asa referee's whistle?
Well, the answer, like mostthings to do with men, comes
down to what motivates him.
If he's the man I think he is,I'm guessing he's probably
motivated by sex.
So why not start by explainingthat?
(25:59):
while watching him yell at theTV for three hours is certainly
an experience.
It doesn't quite set your loinsablaze.
In fact, it's about as arousingas folding socks.
You could then try spicingthings up by suggesting a
compromise.
Tell him you'll happily joinhim for a sports night of
watching Newcastle vs ManchesterUnited if he promises to
(26:19):
participate in your version ofromance Perhaps a romantic
dinner or a cocktail makinglesson.
And if he balks in your versionof romance, perhaps a romantic
dinner or a cocktail makinglesson.
And if he bulks, use hismotivators Sex.
Remind him that if he wants toscore a real goal and not just
watch Shearer, score them thenit needs to play fair.
If not, use a sports metaphorand tell him your end zone is
(26:41):
officially closed.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Remember to remember, oh dear, use a sports metaphor
and tell him your end zone isofficially closed, remember, oh
dear relationships are built ongive and take.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
You're giving him a chance to fix this and if he
doesn't, well, you can alwaysmute him like the TV.
For more marriage advice, seehim at firstlooknomes at
howluckcom with the titlemarriage advice email.
Firstlooknomes at howlookcomwith the title Marriage Advice.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
Thank you, you're very welcome.
Is there anyone else written inor is just the one email?
Just the one for now Just theone, I'm sure, but I'm sure I'm
sure after that wonderful advice.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
We'll be inundated with people males, females and
gnomes who want to pick my brainto help their marriage blossom.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
So is it just marriage tips, just marriage
tips.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Just sticking to marriage, just marriage this
year.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
This season is just about marriage.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
We'll see how it goes .
I suspect by the end of it I'llhave my own talk show.
I imagine I'll be a guest onLorraine.
I'm sure I'll probably beinvited to guest host this
morning.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
I'm sure you will.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
I've heard that there's a good show where all
the contestants go out becauseI'm single now because I got
destroyed by a robot lawnmower.
So I've heard there's a goodshow which everyone appears
naked.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
And that might be one to go on your dear wife's name.
Was it Moe Sorry?
Speaker 2 (28:23):
You insensitive sod.
Sorry, that's my wife you'retalking about.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
She was called Beatrice, sorry I thought it was
a good joke, but it didn'tquite.
It was.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
It was, it didn't quite.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
It didn't quite.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
It didn't quite oh dear.
Anyway, it's good to see thatin Season 3, that you two are
finally up in your game andgetting proper content for this
podcast and not just making shitup.
On that note, I'm going to goback now because it's very late
and Craig wants to come back ingetting proper content for this
(29:02):
podcast and not just making shitup on that note.
I'm going to go back now, causeit's very late.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
And.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Craig wants to come back in.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Thank you, no, no, no .
Thank you very much.
We'll see you in a couple ofweeks.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
See you in a few weeks.
Bye, bye, bye.
I heard you two laughing.
What was it?
What was he talking about?
Speaker 1 (29:22):
you two laughing.
What was it?
What was he talking about?
Oh, just uh.
No, we weren't laughing.
It's very sad.
He's um sad.
Yeah, he's uh, he's uh, he'shis no name, wife, um, I forget.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
Oh, yeah, beatrice, yeah, beatrice, that was on yes
today.
I think you said so yeah, Iremember he told me about how
she died.
She got she got smashed by arobot lawnmower.
Just tragic, williams, tragic.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Should we end on a?
Well, this is up to you, MrArchkiss, but I think you want
to end on a bad joke, a bad joke, yes, please.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
I mean, they're all bad jokes, but Bad joke who's
bad?
Who's bad's bad he is go onthen bad joke us Walliams.
No, it's you, it's your segment, bad joke.
Oh is it?
I did not prep for this in thefunny meeting.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
We said I'll do a bad joke, and then you'll do a bad
joke, I'll do a bad joke, I'vejust done.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Loads of bad jokes.
So when I when I say bad joke,I've just done, loads of bad
jokes.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
So when I say bad joke, I mean rude.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Yeah, what Can we?
Speaker 1 (30:26):
do a rude one.
Well, it's going to bepublishable.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Hang on, let me.
No, some of the ones I'mthinking of are very Okay, right
, you can.
Oh, yes, I said you know what Isaid last time.
I said I would let you know.
I would tell you about acompany who do really bad jokes,
really bad taste, dirty,horrible, rude jokes.
(30:53):
Not that I would ever condonethat sort of thing.
So I'm not actually going totell any bad jokes, but I'm
going to point you to anInstagram account called Jimmy
and Nimmy and nath jimmy andnath and they do dad jokes, but
they do really rude, bad dadjokes.
Rude, bad dad.
They are very rude.
I I can tell you that I toldwalliams a few of these.
Uh, offline cut out, they couldnot be used in the podcast.
(31:18):
But if you are in now, this isvery.
It's a very specific, uh kindof listener who would enjoy
these kind of jokes.
If you are in now, this is very.
It's a very specific kind oflistener who would enjoy these
kind of jokes if you are intovery rude humour and very bad
taste jokes.
Jimmy and Nath on Instagram.
I have enjoyed their account.
I've enjoyed listening to someof the jokes.
Some of the jokes are reallyquite rude, but it's.
(31:39):
Some of them are very funny, sogo and have a look at that.
Let me see if there's any ofthese that are usable.
How do you circumcise ahillbilly?
No, nope, cut that, williams.
Some of these are really bad.
(31:59):
Yeah, okay, I forgot that I wasmeant to do the bad jokes.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Come back in next month.
I mean, you could do so many.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
Okay, I mean, when you say bad jokes, are they just
bad jokes or are they like goodjokes?
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Well, yeah, like we said, the difference between bad
jokes and bad jokes is just thefirst letters.
The wrong way around.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
I just can't deliver a better joke the way you do
either.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
Well, there's so many jokes you could have done.
I don't think you've had it.
You could have done someelevator jokes.
I mean, they're funny on somany levels.
Or you could have done somechemistry jokes.
They always get a good reaction.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
See, bad jokes have to be cut.
Unfortunately, you just you arethe joke man.
Instead, can we pretend, shouldwe recall, let's re-record the
end, so let's, we'd, we'd kindof got to, and should we end on
a bad joke?
Um, and we'll say you know what?
No, we don't want bad jokes,want dad jokes.
And you can tell us a jokevolumes, because you do funny
ones bad jokes are cancelledokay, so well.
(33:08):
Now we're at the end of the show.
We we were originally going tofinish on bad jokes, but I was
meant to prepare that andcompletely forgot that I was
meant to.
So, to be honest, ladies andgentlemen, nobody wants to hear
me tell jokes anyway.
We'd all rather hear the man,the the legend that is Walliams,
tell one of his classic dadjokes.
Half the time he doesn't evenknow he's telling the jokes, or
(33:29):
I don't even realize he'stelling the jokes.
So to put him on the spot likethis is probably a bit cruel,
but I'm guessing, knowing howmany bad dad jokes he tells on a
daily basis, he's probably gota brain full of them and he
could just tap into it at anytime.
Over to you, walliams.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
Just because your bad jokes are so bad.
I mean, did you hear the jokeabout the really short king?
He was 12 inches tall.
I didn't no, he was a inchestall.
I didn't no, he was a greatruler, See Walliams.
Speaker 2 (34:08):
Why do we even consider?
Why will I get to be in the badjokes?
Speaker 1 (34:12):
You're the king of the jokes.
Until next time, everybody.
Until episode three.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
Until episode three.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Goodbye.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Bye everyone.
I'm single now because Mrs Noamgot destroyed by a robot
lawnmower.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Your dear wife's name .
Was it Moe?
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