December 18, 2023 • 41 mins
Have you ever felt a pang of grief during the holidays? The sixth episode of our 12 Days of Podmas on the Five Years Time is a candid exploration of that very feeling. I, your host Grace, unpack the emotional intensity that comes with memories of past Christmases and loved ones no longer with us. This is not just a conversation about grief and loss, it's a deeper, more nuanced discussion about how we reconcile the nostalgia, joy, and sadness that permeates the holiday season.
What does it mean to grieve for past memories, places, and the relationships we've left behind? In the first section of the episode, we delve into this. I share my personal experiences of navigating through a season of celebration with a heavy heart, along with the coping mechanisms that have been my anchor. I also touch on something many might not expect: my journey with psoriasis. Here, I provide some practical advice for managing the skin condition during winter.
But it's not all about the heaviness of grief. As we progress, we shift our focus to the livelier traditions of the holiday season. We talk about my favourite holiday drink, the whiskey sour, and even offer variations of this classic cocktail that you could try. While acknowledging the mix of emotions that the season may bring, the episode serves as a reminder to celebrate the present while honouring our past. Join us as we continue our countdown to Christmas, and let's keep the conversation going in your DMs. Christmas is about connection, after all. So, let's connect.
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- Grace
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hey, cuties, welcome back to Five Years Time podcast
with your host Grace, and we arestill taking on the 12 days of
Podmas, with this being episode6, is that right?
I think that's right.
Honestly, I'm surprised Ihaven't lost track of time yet.
Happy Monday, cuties.
I hope that you're enjoyingthis series.
(00:29):
Today we're going to be talkingabout sadness around the
holidays, grief and how Ipersonally work through that,
and also how it manifests in mylife.
I think there is so much thatgoes on during the holidays that
is super nostalgic, based Like.
(00:51):
I feel like it's just like arush of every emotion you've
ever experienced.
There's also all of the what isit called?
All of the pressure that's puton Christmas time to be a
certain way, feel a certain way.
The joy, all of this stuff.
I think a lot of stuff boils tothe.
(01:13):
A lot of feelings boil to thesurface.
One of those main ones,especially for me, is grief.
It's not just grief of pastloved ones, but grief of
Christmas pasts, of people whoare no longer in your life, of
Christmas you used to live, ofplaces you used to be, of
memories that you have.
Honestly, grief is so complexand can be fully consuming, but
(01:38):
there is also goodness in thosefeelings.
I personally am grateful forthe grief that I feel because
it's memories of times in mylife where I felt joy and felt
goodness that I carry with meand I'm so glad that I had that
(01:59):
time of my life and that I canstill cherish those memories.
That's what today's episode isgoing to be all about.
Before we dive into that, I justwant to say I'm not sure I feel
like I talk about this on thepodcast.
I don't know, it's not like acommon theme of who I am, but
I'm like a rashie girl.
(02:19):
I have always had my entirelife, eczema and psoriasis.
I actually didn't start gettingpsoriasis until I was in my 20s
and not even my 20s, maybe mylate teens.
It was when I moved away forschool that first winter I
experienced psoriasis.
I actually don't get eczema asmuch as I used to.
I feel like I'm now a psoriasisgirly over an eczema girly.
(02:41):
But growing up I used to getreally bad eczema flare ups,
especially in the winter time,on my face and in the crevices
and cracks of my fingers andarms, which I think is super
common.
But now I am a psoriasis girlyand this winter psoriasis is
really taking over the top frontof my scalp.
(03:01):
Normally I get it the bottom ofmy scalp, but I think I'm really
really good at ensuring that Idon't.
What is it like?
Not a fact, what is it like?
Poke the bear?
I'm trying to think of what itis, but I'm really good at
making sure that I don't scratchthat area or kind of like egg
(03:23):
it on.
These aren't the words I'mthinking of.
I can't think of the word I'mthinking of, but I'm pretty good
at making sure that I'm notirritating, irritating that area
.
This year it's been reallyprevalent at the front of my
head and it's been like a littlebit of a mind switch for me to
remember like don't scratch anddon't I have to use, like the
(03:46):
one shampoo that really worksfor me, and like I've used all
the shampoos for psoriasis inthe past, like I've used the
Neutrogena one, the TAR.
What is it TAR?
They smell so bad and, honestly, I find that they don't work.
They really irritate my head.
I've also had prescriptions fordifferent things that you can
use on your scalp everythingI've used everything in the past
and when I do allow my flareups to get really bad and my
(04:08):
plaques to get really thick.
I do have to obviously get theprescriptions, like that's the
only thing that's going to work,but I'm pretty good at making
sure I don't get to that point,but I'm worried that I'm going
to get there this year.
So, anyways, long story short is, I have just been wearing my
hair this week.
I've been trying to, like slickit back.
With not trying to slick itback, I've been putting oils in.
(04:31):
I have a, like I'm trying tothink of what's in it.
It's like a super natural oilthat I get from Mingle Hill it's
their hair oil, but it has allthe good things in it that is
good for, I think, hair growth,but I find that it's really
soothing for my psoriasis.
So I've been putting that inand then just like slicking back
my hair and then I try not towash my hair very often because
(04:52):
I find that that can beirritating to my scalp,
especially like the wet hair,and I like sometimes I'm just
can't be bothered to blow dry myhair.
So, anyways, I also am trying tojust only use the one shampoo
that doesn't flare up mypsoriasis or irritate my hair
right now, which is day hair orday DAE you can get out Sephora,
(05:16):
but it is like super good forme.
I think it's so personal, likeif you have psoriasis, what
works for you, what doesn't workfor you.
But every other shampoo at themoment is like super irritating
to my scalp, except for day.
So I'm trying to just use thatand, that being said, I need to
go replace it because I just hadthe travel size that I bought
(05:36):
for Italy, which honestly,lasted me so long.
I kind of like I'm obsessedwith just travel size products
because it's not overwhelmingand I actually use them all up,
because what is now?
It's like the middle ofDecember and I bought that the
middle of September, so that'slike three months.
Yeah, so yeah.
(05:57):
Anyways, I just wanted to putthat out there for any of my
psoriasis grilles.
I know that this is like thetime of year where, well, at
least for me and the climatethat I live in, where I tend to
get the flare ups becausesunlight is the best thing to
help your psoriasis, mypsoriasis I don't know about
yours, but like it is the bestthing.
And obviously my head is notgetting as much sunlight now
because it's not summer.
Also because I wear a hat inthe winter because it's cold.
(06:19):
So, yeah, I just wanted to putthat out there and like I'm
rocking the egg head at themoment because I just need like
to soothe this area so I don'ttouch it and irritate it,
because there's nothing worsethan letting your plaques build
up.
It is so hard to get them goneand it's so annoying in your
scalp because it's just so gross.
(06:39):
If you've ever had psoriasis,like it's not gross like you,
it's just like like I meanpersonally, like if I saw it on
someone else I'm not going tothink you you're so disgusting.
I mean for me myself, it's justso hard to like clean it out
and like feel good about yourhead when that is the situation
going on.
So, anyways, that's just alittle side note on something
(06:59):
that I'm working through at themoment, and is is it's it's
flaring up in a new place thisyear.
Okay, where did I put my water?
Oh, no, I think I left it outof the room.
Can we just grab my water quick, because I'll be sad if I don't
.
I'm back, I've got my Christmasmug and water is inside of it
(07:19):
and I'm going to take it.
Oh gosh, my mic just got stuckon my knee and I'm just going to
take a quick sip.
Very nice, very refreshing.
I knew if I didn't grab that Iwould be very, very sad about it
, but I'm at the point of my day.
I'm recording this middle of theafternoon, well, about an hour
before I have to go pick up arow, which is one of my favorite
(07:41):
times to record.
I think my favorite favoritetime is like first thing in the
morning, like literally rightwhen I wake up, if I can make a
cozy cup of coffee and sneakinto the studio.
But I rarely get to do thatbecause, obviously, being a
mother, you have a child thatyou have to take care of and the
house can be loud in themorning, which isn't ideal for
recording in a home studio.
(08:01):
So yeah, I rarely get to dothat, but I think that is my
favorite time.
And then I think my secondfavorite time is probably now.
I don't know.
I feel like sometimes, likeafter I do row drop off, if I
get into the studio right away.
Sometimes I like doing it then.
But I find that the podcast isenergizing but also like not
(08:25):
draining in the sense that Ican't continue with like a
workday the best of my abilityafter that of other things that
I have to do, but I can feelvery energized to continue with
my mom workday, which is goodbecause after I record at this
time, which is before I pick uprow then I go into picking up
row and I feel good because Ihave completed the podcast and I
(08:48):
give it time to marinate beforeI have to go back to it and
edit it.
I've already completed all theother work tasks I need to do
recording, editing of otherthings that I'm posting emails,
all of that stuff.
So it's just like a good closeto the end of the day.
But sometimes it feels like alingering thing, that's like
weighing over my head like, oh,you need to record the podcast,
(09:08):
and then I get all weird.
But then usually around likethat middle of the afternoon,
it's like just get in the studio.
My eyes are tired of looking ata screen all day, even though
I'm here with my iPad in frontof me, but I'm still not looking
at a screen doing that type ofwork.
So it's a nice little breakup.
So I think I'm just realizingthat.
(09:29):
But anyways, today we aretalking all about grief around
the holidays and I think thatit's so personal for everyone
and people who haven't evengrieved the loss of someone, can
definitely feel grief of somany different things and I
think it took me a while torealize, like, what that meant
for me, because I'd say my veryfirst Christmas of grieving was
(09:54):
probably I'm going to say it waslike a legit grieving Christmas
was the Christmas after my dadpassed away, because I was still
a child.
I was going to say a lot ofpeople are not for a lot of
people, but I can see how, likethe second at least for me, my
second grieving, which probablywould have been my first, of my
dad had and passed away, wasgrieving my childhood
(10:15):
Christmases, because once youbecome an adult and move away
for school I think for me it wasthe moving away I remember
grieving almost my childhood,that first day when I moved away
into res like I remember whenmy mom and aunt drove away and I
just stayed in my room becauseI was like so nervous I didn't
know where to go and there I haduntil like whatever time 3pm
(10:38):
till we started doing likeresidence activities and getting
to know all the other people inthe dorms.
But I remember sitting in myroom pretty much like already
set up my room and everythingand just like all of a sudden
realizing like that I had moreresponsibility and that my life
was going to be foreverdifferent from this point on,
(10:59):
and it just felt very heavy andI remember feeling sadness and a
wave of that, and so thatChristmas also would have felt
that way for me, because I wouldhave come home from school and
it would have felt different inthe house and I would have had
different friends andexperiences and all of that
stuff not whatever, but all ofthat stuff.
So that's what I feel like islike a big grief that people can
(11:21):
feel around the holiday timefor the first time, and I think
that there's so many more on topof that.
But for me, my first grievingChristmas where I felt a weight
of grief was a Christmas where Iwas literally still grieving in
the depths of it my firstChristmas without my dad,
because we lost him in the fall.
(11:44):
And then we had that Christmasand it was very present in our
lives that he wasn't there andit was sad and it was jolly and
there was happiness and therewas goodness and there was lots
of other things, but there wasdefinitely sadness, and so if
that's something that you'reexperiencing this Christmas your
first Christmas without a lovedone due to loss like take time
(12:07):
and take peace and know that.
I honestly appreciate it, thatholiday, because it felt
different, yes, but it also wasa beautiful time to share
memories, which I always do.
Literally anytime I can share amemory, I share a memory, but,
like, I feel like the holidaytime and bringing family
(12:27):
together is one of the besttimes to get to share memories,
especially for me and my family,because my brother moved my
brother six years older than me,so he wasn't living at home
when my dad passed away, and soholidays are one of the times
that we all get together and weget to relive those memories,
especially in my case, because Idon't have many people in my
(12:50):
life that knew my dad anymoreand I actually don't have any
day to day people in my lifeexcept for my mom and my brother
who knew my well and I guess myaunts and stuff, but like
immediate in my life day to dayis my mom and my brother who
knew my dad.
And so I love when we gettogether around holiday times,
(13:14):
especially Christmas, and get toshare those memories, because
you're reliving a goodness withthe people who were there to
live that time.
Oh my gosh, am I gonna cry?
I didn't think I was gonna crythis episode, which like maybe
that's a joke on me, becauseobviously it's a grief episode
and I feel like grieving andcrying kind of going hand in
(13:34):
hand.
But I really didn't think I wasgonna cry this episode, oh my
gosh.
And now I'm scratching my headStop.
Anyways, I wanted to talk andjust be open about this because
I think so many people feel thesadness of Christmas.
So let's talk through what Ibelieve to be lots of different
(13:57):
things that you can grievearound the Christmas time.
So a focus on grief ofChristmas past, loved ones and
friends that are no longer here,places you used to be, who you
used to be all of these things,I feel, become so prominent
around Christmas time becauseit's like a, it's like a steady
marker every year where you feelnostalgic, because it's
(14:19):
something that's celebratedevery year and has like a time
stamp two years past.
It's a lot like a birthday.
I feel like birthdays hold alot of grief in them as well.
So I think, like when I thinkabout my relationships and the
way that they've evolved overthe years, there are people in
my life, who still have such animportant part of my heart
(14:43):
because they've been such a bigpart of who I've been to this
day.
But I don't talk to themanymore for either reasons that
we've just grown apart orthere's been meaningful moments
where there's been separationand boundaries placed.
We just don't talk.
And Christmas is one of thosetimes where I get overflute.
(15:03):
Overfluted what am I trying tosay?
Flood it with those emotions ofand memories of those people in
my life and this is me talkingbeyond just my dad, like I gave
I.
He is will always be obviouslya huge part of my life.
But friendships that I no longerhave in my life, who are such
(15:25):
important parts of who I'vebecome, and also stages of
relationship, even with Trevor,stages of our relationships in
the past and Christmases we'vehad in the past, even with my
family, with my mom and mybrother, places we've been our
family home growing up, whichdoesn't even exist anymore, as
(15:51):
most good Toronto homes do getknocked down and put up another
giant home.
But honestly I'm not even thatsentimental to physical spots or
physical things like that house.
Anytime I do go back to, likewhere I used to live, I'll
always drive past our lot whichis no longer our house.
But and see and see what's, seewhat's there and see what's
(16:13):
there and see what's up and likethat physical location does
bring back so many memories andis good I do love to go back to,
like the actual place.
I don't feel a lot of sadnessabout the fact that my house
isn't there anymore.
I almost feel special, like wewere the last ones to get to, to
have that memory of that placeand that was ours.
(16:35):
And yes, there are people wholive there before us, but nobody
who lived there after us, andit's our special spot.
But anyways, and then obviously, even places that we live
before.
I only lived one other placebefore that, but the apartment
that I grew up in and and thegood memories that we have there
.
And I was young and most ofthose memories are probably
photo memories and memories thatpeople told me, which just
(16:57):
means that it's a memory of melooking at something and then,
yes, it's been etched into mymind, but all of those things
flood over me during the holidaytimes and I'm so grateful for
each of them, but they can comeup like a volcano.
Sometimes you are in the midstof just living your Holly, jolly
life, or honestly, not evenlike, just not even thinking
about anything.
(17:18):
Like the holidays are comingand you're you're kind of not
avoiding them but you're like,ok, they're coming, but I'm not
really like stressed to have toprepare a plan for anything yet.
And then all of a sudden you'rejust hit with this sadness of
like I miss those times.
I miss that time.
I miss, I miss those people.
What are they up to?
I wonder what.
(17:39):
And I miss, I miss thegatherings that we had and the
music that was shared and thelaughter that we had.
And there's good and bad toeverything.
Right, there's good and bad,and something I love about
nostalgia is that the good tendsto bubble up and the bad kind
of gets weighed it down.
Which I think is such a goodthing to think about
(17:59):
retrospectively.
Living in the moment is thatthe goodness that is happening
in your life now is going tocarry on for probably ever into
all your memories, and the notso good doesn't tend to stick
around as as as prominent, butit does build you into a better
(18:20):
version of yourself.
But I think it's important thisholiday season to put a grief
plan in place Because when itdoes come to that point where
you're bubbling over withsadness or anger or just
loneliness or emptiness becauseyou feel like you're missing
something that you once had.
You need to make sure that yousupport and protect yourself in
(18:41):
those moments and also that youtell the people around you maybe
that you're going to feel thatway.
I feel like so often I leaveTrevor in the dark when it comes
to things like that and hedoesn't know why I'm not in the
mood to talk or just like kindof feeling off and I'm not in
the mood to explain why.
So I think it's important totell those support people around
(19:02):
you like, hey, just so you know, coming up through the holidays
, there might be moments where Ifeel lower down, and it has
nothing to do with myexpectations of this Christmas
or things that you aren'tcompleting or doing or anything.
It's just I'm probably grievinga moment and I just need a
moment to work through it andthat's all part of the plan.
(19:24):
I think telling your supportpeople is probably the biggest
part of the plan.
It's even prepping andpreparing yourself by taking a
moment to just be like okay, theholidays are coming and I might
feel down and I might feel sadand I might feel blue, and
that's okay.
Number two I think it's soimportant to think of a physical
thing that you can do in thosemoments For me, like you have
(19:46):
for me.
It's all about deciding whetheror not I'm feeding into the
sadness and living in thatmoment or I'm looking for maybe
a distraction or comfort.
I love to sit in my feels Likethere's and like balance right,
(20:06):
like there is times where I justlove to be in my feels and I
feel like the holidays is one ofthose moments where it's like I
love a good sad song, sadChristmas music, maybe like a
walk and some tears, like I dolove, or like a sappy car ride
cry, like I do love to sit in mysadness sometimes, and so if
(20:30):
that's where I feel like I wannabe supported, then I'll do that
and I love to go for, yeah,those walks or those drives with
the not even necessarily sadmusic like, but almost nostalgic
music, which is obviously, inturn, sad music if it's bringing
up feelings of missingsomething.
Another thing when I'm in thatdistracted mode which isn't even
(20:52):
, it's not necessarily evendistraction, it's comfort.
If I'm looking for comfortbecause I'm feeling just
overwhelmed in the moment withmy feels and my emotions and
it's making me feel like I'mgoing to explode, because I just
feel overwhelmed with sadnessand missing something is to
(21:12):
support myself with a show or abook or a bubbly bath.
Even going and doing a, gettingmaybe a massage, or going to a
yoga slash meditation class.
I honestly I'm not a huge yogi,but my favorite thing in the
world is restorative yoga and Ilove it because it's like a
forced hour of like putting yourbody in positions that you
(21:34):
wouldn't necessarily find restin yourself and you're usually
guided through some sort ofmeditation.
I love that.
I feel like it's very opening.
It's opening for your soul.
It feels good for the body, itfeels good in every moment.
But, yeah, booking yourselfclasses like that or watching
your comfort show and just liketaking a moment for you, making
(21:56):
a snack that you find sodelicious and lovely and
comforting and warm and justeverything, like just doing
things like that and then alwaysknowing that tomorrow is gonna
be a new day, and I think that'sone of the biggest things for
me that I'm grateful for in myimmediate, that I learned in my
like immediate grief of losing aloved one unexpectedly is that
(22:19):
I learned through that, thattype of unexpected grief that
there is always gonna be atomorrow not always, that's a
weird way to say it thattomorrow will come and it will
always be a new day.
Like there will be a new day.
Today is today, tomorrow istomorrow and there will be
something good that comes fromjust going to sleep and resting
(22:44):
and waking up the next day, likeI don't know how to explain
that even more.
I mean, I do, if I really sitand go with it.
But that's something that Ilearned because of the losing a
loved one unexpectedly.
That one really like helped alot in my just like life vision,
view of how I see my differentmoods and how I see time and the
(23:11):
beauty of a refresh, a restart,a new sunrise.
Like that is something lovelyand helps me when I feel grief
with something that isn't likewhen it's grief-worn
relationships that are no longerpart of my life but those
people still are in the world,or of like childhood, because
(23:35):
it's still a part of me, but youcan't go backwards, right?
So things like that.
And then another thing is tohonor.
I think it's so important tohonor our loved ones and our
loved moments that we may feelsadness around or about and I
said earlier this one if it'speople who are no longer in your
(23:55):
life, even people who aren't inmy life like day to day anymore
, but still live on this earth,like I love to share stories
about them, is that weird, likeI don't know.
I love sharing stories.
I think it's one of my greatestthings of connection is just
sharing about the people that Iloved and have loved or and love
(24:17):
, and so sharing stories andmemories and moments and foods
that they loved and things likethat, like I will always cherish
that and I cherish my memorieslike nothing else, so it's one
of the greatest things.
When you find people in yourworld who will listen, I will
take the opportunity to share.
But I think honoring them and Ithink a lot of people for loved
(24:41):
ones who have passed ishonoring them with something
special maybe ornaments thatwere special that you decorate
the tree with, or meals ortraditions that you used to have
and continuing those on, evensetting a place at the table or
a stocking out for them, likethings like that that are
physical, can be such a bigthing.
Pictures, obviously, and for methis year is something so
(25:06):
special, like I am at the point,or Ro is at the point in age
where she asks questions back,like I've always shared stories
about my dad with her from birth, but now when we talk about him
or he comes up, it feels so funto get to share.
(25:26):
Oh my gosh, I am gonna cry thisepisode no, not that there's
anything wrong with crying, I'mjust trying to get through it.
But not even get through it,but talk clearly.
Ro is at that age now wherewhen something comes up and I
get to share about, like oh,that's something my dad loved or
(25:47):
got to do, or this is somethingthat we would do together and
she's so invested like she and Idon't know how much she gets,
but she gets it.
Like, the first time where shereally asked a question, like
all of a sudden it was kind oflike oh, your dad, because she
obviously knows Trevor's dad,grandpa, and she has my mom and
Trevor's mom, two grandmas.
(26:08):
But I remember talking aboutsomething and then she was like
wait, your dad, like grandpa.
And I was like, no, that'sTrevor's dad.
Like I had a dad too, but hepassed away.
Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
And she's like but I wanted tomeet, I wanted to meet your dad
(26:29):
and that's her number one thing.
Anytime I talk about my dad nowI was like I wish I could meet
him.
I'd like to meet him and I'mlike girl like you are him Like.
There's so much all of thosereally good and wonderful
attributes that my dad had beingloving and caring and the life
of the party and full of spunkand joy.
(26:54):
Like that is Rosie, and Ialways tell her like he's here,
he's with you, he's with me.
But it's been so fun thisholiday season getting to share,
share stories and sharememories, and I have VHS tapes
(27:14):
downstairs that I need to get aVHS player so that I can watch
them.
But I also feel like I'm likephysically not prepared, because
it's so I've never lost someonein the digital age of this,
like the age where I would havelost my dad, we didn't have
videos of literally everythingthat was like accessible and so
(27:34):
I haven't.
I don't think I've seen a videoof my dad since I I don't know
if I have like I think mayberight after we saw video, we had
a VHS player and saw somethingor something.
I don't know, but I haven'tseen a video since.
I haven't physically seen, I'veonly seen photos.
I haven't like seen it, heardhim, heard his voice.
I haven't heard his voice sincehe passed away.
(27:55):
So like I don't think I amready.
I am ready, but like I don'tthink I'm ready, like I think
that'll be a lot and it'll putme into a place that might be
scary and uncomfortable.
So I like not a bad place, butit'll just like be a lot for me
(28:16):
to process.
But I would love to share thatwith Ro.
Like I'd love for her to get tosee his mannerisms and hear his
voice and and see himphysically as well, obviously in
video format, but anyways, Ican't.
Who knew the grief episode wasgoing to have sadness in it?
(28:36):
But I think like that's been areally fun thing for me is just
sharing those beautiful memorieswith her and different songs
and like it, like, and sheremembers everything.
Ro is like a little sponge andso even just we were listening
to Christmas music, like I feel,like months ago, because she's
(28:57):
been practicing for herChristmas concert since like the
beginning of school and soChristmas music has been a part
of our life for the past months.
But she was listening todifferent Christmas music.
She asked me to put on playlist.
I was like, okay, so I put onplaylist and, rocking around,
the Christmas tree came on,which is like literally my
number one favorite Christmassong, because it's such a big
part of my childhood we used toput it on every single time we
(29:19):
would decorate the tree.
I reminds me of my dad, like hewould dance and have fun to it,
and so I just like an importantsong in my life and it has
holds a lot of meaning.
And I remember saying to Ro likethis is my favorite Christmas
song and I don't even think Iwent into depths of why it's my
favorite Christmas song.
And now, every time it comes on, she's like and this one's
mommy's favorite like announcesit, like she knows.
It's like the second it comeson, she like and this one's
(29:41):
mommy's favorite, and then it'slike it just makes she's
honoring something for me andit's even more honoring.
So, anyways, one time I said Itold her why, like I broke it
down, I was like, oh yeah, likethis was me and grandpa's
favorite, like my dad, like I'llspecify, and she's she always.
(30:03):
Anytime I say things like that,anytime it plays like a couple
more times, she's like you, meand grandpa love this song and
it's like I know that she'stalking about my dad and it's
like that is the best feelingI've ever felt in my whole wide
life.
Sorry, it's like a feeling Inever knew, that I don't know.
(30:28):
It's like a feeling I neverknew I could experience.
I think I just never.
I never.
I think when I had Ro, I neverthought or I think what I even
thought about having kids.
I just because I never thoughtabout having kids in the time
that my dad was alive.
So, like I think, when Ithought about having kids, I
(30:49):
never even thought about my dad,like it wasn't even a thought,
it was a part of my thoughtprocess, literally.
And then when I had a row, itwas like there's obviously
inevitable times where I had totalk about my dad or I have to
introduce him or introducing himfor the first time, his
character, who he is, is thisperson that's in my life but not
(31:13):
physically in my life, like allof this stuff.
And so it's like I never eventhought about that, like I
really did it, and so it's likeI didn't prepare myself in any
way or think about how it wouldfeel or anything, and so now
that it's being like, it'sbecome like a very present part
and she's asking questions andshe wants to know more.
It's just one of those thingswhere it's like I never thought
(31:37):
that I had more closure to feelabout my dad passing or things
like that.
And with every question sheasks and everything where she
includes herself in a memory andmoment that was between me and
my dad is literally is like ahealing thing for me and I never
(32:02):
thought that would happen, likeI never thought that I would.
I never.
I never even thought that Iwould have a relationship with
my dad and my kids.
So I don't know how to explainit, but anyways, it's just been
this really overwhelming, in agood way, healing thing where it
(32:25):
just is.
So it's so much joy andhappiness, and so that's what I
mean when I say that Christmasand sadness and grief and
happiness and joy is socomplicated and confusing and it
all fuses in with each otherand it makes it all what
Christmas is like.
That, for me, is what Christmasis.
(32:46):
It's sadness, of happiness,it's confusion, it's anger, it's
overwhelm, it's every emotionlike that is what makes it what
it is.
It can't just be pure joy,because pure joy does not exist.
You can't have joy withoutsadness, and that's why I
obviously have this podcastwhere we talk about the highs
and the lows of life, becausethey're also beautiful, like
(33:08):
feelings, and the ability tofeel is so beautiful.
It is this beautiful life, andI am so grateful that I'm able
to feel all the ups and thedowns, like I'm grateful that I
have that opportunity.
And if you are grieving thisChristmas again, it doesn't have
(33:30):
to be the death of somebody.
It can be a Christmas past,someone that you used to be or a
way that you used to celebrateChristmas, or people who are no
longer in your life anymore butare still out there living their
own lives and you wonder, Iwonder what they're up to, or I
wonder if they think about me to, or I miss the times that we
(33:53):
used to have together or theplaces that we used to celebrate
Christmas, or I'm now livingsomewhere separate from my
family or the people that I loveand I'm not able to celebrate
in the way that I used to beable to celebrate.
I just want you to know that Iam thinking of you and I am here
for you, and that there is somuch beauty in all of the ups
(34:16):
and the downs, and sometimesit's hard to see it in the
moment.
But that's why I think it'simportant this holiday season to
put that plan in place on howyou can support yourself, how
you can one prepare, prepare forthe holidays and no, take note
like, hey, this year I think I'mprobably going to feel
(34:38):
something this or that or whatand if you don't know that
that's going to erupt, preparein the way that you know it's
comfortable for you.
I think it's important in ourlife to always have on hand
things that make us feelcomfortable or disconnect it
from what's going on right now,so that we can take a step back
and have a break and come back,come back to center, whether
(35:02):
that be doing a meditation orwatching your favorite show or
listening to sad music ornostalgic music and going for a
walk and breathing in fresh air.
Honestly taking through bigbreath can be the biggest help.
And then also honoring thosememories and those loved ones
and those feelings of Christmaspast, honoring them and sharing
(35:24):
them, like if you can find ashoulder to share too, I think
it's the most beautiful gift theworld can be, and so I always
try and be that shoulder to havesomeone share to me whenever I
can, whenever someone has astory to share, because I know
how much that means to me.
So I think journaling can alsofit in there, sharing memories
(35:45):
through journal.
But there's something sospecial about sharing the
memories that you love so muchwith just another person and
know that they're, they're partof it, and hearing and listening
.
But sadness around the holidaysis complex and it is
overwhelming, and it is high andlow, and I know people who will
(36:05):
avoid all of the holidaysbecause of that, which is fair.
And I'm not saying you have tocelebrate.
But I also know that life isforever changing and growing and
that there's things tocelebrate that don't have to do
with the holidays.
There's things to celebrate inour daily lives, every day, even
when we feel the most lonely orgrief filled, and I think when
(36:28):
we can honor and put in place aplan of support that we can find
love after we work through whatwe need to work through.
But grief is hard and theholidays are hard, but life is
beautiful and it has.
It has goodness in it too.
(36:49):
So I'm sending love to all ofyou, my cuties, this holiday
season, and I hope that you feelthat you can come into my DMs
and share something with me,share a memory of a loved one or
a loved moment or a lovedChristmas that you cherish close
to your heart, because I'd loveto hear them, truly I would.
I love when you come and youshare your memories with me.
(37:12):
I carry them in my heart like aprize because you've let me
into the most, the most preciouspart of your life.
So I love you all so much and Iguess let's get to the point
where we're going to share arecipe today.
I need a sip of water.
I.
That is so funny.
I really thought I was goinginto this episode not not going
(37:33):
to be emotional at all.
I'm literally.
I don't know how.
I thought that the wholeepisode was about being
emotional, but that's so funny.
Okay, the recipe of the day.
Cute, I've been having so muchfun sharing these recipes.
Like literally, it is like ascrapbook of one of my favorite
(37:54):
things, memories, past thingsthat I've picked up along the
way and shared with the peoplethat I loved or had them share
with me.
Like I am really obsessed,obsessed.
And today is the day we arecelebrating.
We are going to share drinks.
Oh my gosh, cuties.
I almost didn't.
I wasn't going to includedrinks almost, and then I was
like we have to have one recipeof like a fall holiday, a
(38:17):
holiday, a holiday and a year,and that was me putting those
together.
Drink, because I feel like thatis just a way to toast in
obviously so many things toastto Christmas, toast to the New
Year, toast to getting throughthe hardest year of your life,
toast to getting to celebratingall of the accomplishments
you've done this year.
Toast to so many things, right?
(38:38):
So we are going to do drinksand my favorite type of mixed
drink and it was hard for me topick like really, I was like
what is it?
But then I was like for winter,really, truly, my favorite
mixed drink is a whiskey sour.
I just love sour in general.
I think they are so warm anddelicious.
I think that you can make themin so different ways.
(39:01):
So I'm actually going to sharemy holiday sour remixed three
ways.
So we're doing a twist on theclassic.
I'm going to show you threeways to make a different sour or
three different hours, and Ithink that they are something
that can really spice up any ofyour holiday moments where you
need a toast, and they're sodelicious and really truly
(39:22):
comforting and warm and lovely,and they are just something I
like.
I'm the joy that's coming intomy cheeks right now, like they
almost hurt, like I'm talkingabout all the memories I've had
while sharing a sour with goodfriends or good family, or even
good memories, and it's justsomething so warm and wonderful
(39:44):
to me.
So that is what we're sharingtoday.
I'd also love if you could tellme what your favorite toasting
drink is.
Obviously, like there's classicprosecco you guys know I'm in
my prosecco era but I just mean,like, what is your favorite
like winter cocktail?
What is something that justlike sparks that joy or has good
memories associated with you orwith it for you?
(40:04):
I would love to know, because Ijust am like kind of freaking
obsessed with sour at the momentand the way that I feel like
they have like been a great partof my like adult life, hood and
sharing time with others inlike festive holiday party
situation.
So, anyways, check out myTikTok and Instagram at five
(40:26):
years time podcast.
I also posted on YouTube foranyone who doesn't have those
socials to make it a little bitmore accessible.
But I'm so excited to share thatwith you and I hope we can all
toast together today, you're notalone.
If you feel alone and any ofyour feelings of sadness or
confusion or anger, like, I amthere with you, cute, I feel it
(40:51):
all and it is so up and down andknow if today is the day that
you're in your depths, tomorrowwas a new day and the sun will
rise and we will breathe infresh air and we will find
goodness in any of thosedifficult moments.
I love you all so much.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for celebrating thecountdown to Christmas with me.
(41:11):
This has been such a.
This isn't the end of it.
We're only on day what did Isay?
Six, but we're pretty muchhalfway through and this has
been honestly, like a really,really powerful journey for me,
and I knew it would be.
I knew this would push me outof my comfort zone in one way or
another, which I'm alwaystrying to do.
So love you and can't wait totalk in the dms.
(41:34):
Be back tomorrow for Tuesday,day seven of 12 days of Podmas.
You're the best.
Hey, cuties, welcome back to Five Years Time podcast
with your host Grace, and we arestill taking on the 12 days of
Podmas, with this being episode6, is that right?
I think that's right.
Honestly, I'm surprised Ihaven't lost track of time yet.
Happy Monday, cuties.
I hope that you're enjoyingthis series.
(00:29):
Today we're going to be talkingabout sadness around the
holidays, grief and how Ipersonally work through that,
and also how it manifests in mylife.
I think there is so much thatgoes on during the holidays that
is super nostalgic, based Like.
(00:51):
I feel like it's just like arush of every emotion you've
ever experienced.
There's also all of the what isit called?
All of the pressure that's puton Christmas time to be a
certain way, feel a certain way.
The joy, all of this stuff.
I think a lot of stuff boils tothe.
(01:13):
A lot of feelings boil to thesurface.
One of those main ones,especially for me, is grief.
It's not just grief of pastloved ones, but grief of
Christmas pasts, of people whoare no longer in your life, of
Christmas you used to live, ofplaces you used to be, of
memories that you have.
Honestly, grief is so complexand can be fully consuming, but
(01:38):
there is also goodness in thosefeelings.
I personally am grateful forthe grief that I feel because
it's memories of times in mylife where I felt joy and felt
goodness that I carry with meand I'm so glad that I had that
(01:59):
time of my life and that I canstill cherish those memories.
That's what today's episode isgoing to be all about.
Before we dive into that, I justwant to say I'm not sure I feel
like I talk about this on thepodcast.
I don't know, it's not like acommon theme of who I am, but
I'm like a rashie girl.
(02:19):
I have always had my entirelife, eczema and psoriasis.
I actually didn't start gettingpsoriasis until I was in my 20s
and not even my 20s, maybe mylate teens.
It was when I moved away forschool that first winter I
experienced psoriasis.
I actually don't get eczema asmuch as I used to.
I feel like I'm now a psoriasisgirly over an eczema girly.
(02:41):
But growing up I used to getreally bad eczema flare ups,
especially in the winter time,on my face and in the crevices
and cracks of my fingers andarms, which I think is super
common.
But now I am a psoriasis girlyand this winter psoriasis is
really taking over the top frontof my scalp.
(03:01):
Normally I get it the bottom ofmy scalp, but I think I'm really
really good at ensuring that Idon't.
What is it like?
Not a fact, what is it like?
Poke the bear?
I'm trying to think of what itis, but I'm really good at
making sure that I don't scratchthat area or kind of like egg
(03:23):
it on.
These aren't the words I'mthinking of.
I can't think of the word I'mthinking of, but I'm pretty good
at making sure that I'm notirritating, irritating that area
.
This year it's been reallyprevalent at the front of my
head and it's been like a littlebit of a mind switch for me to
remember like don't scratch anddon't I have to use, like the
(03:46):
one shampoo that really worksfor me, and like I've used all
the shampoos for psoriasis inthe past, like I've used the
Neutrogena one, the TAR.
What is it TAR?
They smell so bad and, honestly, I find that they don't work.
They really irritate my head.
I've also had prescriptions fordifferent things that you can
use on your scalp everythingI've used everything in the past
and when I do allow my flareups to get really bad and my
(04:08):
plaques to get really thick.
I do have to obviously get theprescriptions, like that's the
only thing that's going to work,but I'm pretty good at making
sure I don't get to that point,but I'm worried that I'm going
to get there this year.
So, anyways, long story short is, I have just been wearing my
hair this week.
I've been trying to, like slickit back.
With not trying to slick itback, I've been putting oils in.
(04:31):
I have a, like I'm trying tothink of what's in it.
It's like a super natural oilthat I get from Mingle Hill it's
their hair oil, but it has allthe good things in it that is
good for, I think, hair growth,but I find that it's really
soothing for my psoriasis.
So I've been putting that inand then just like slicking back
my hair and then I try not towash my hair very often because
(04:52):
I find that that can beirritating to my scalp,
especially like the wet hair,and I like sometimes I'm just
can't be bothered to blow dry myhair.
So, anyways, I also am trying tojust only use the one shampoo
that doesn't flare up mypsoriasis or irritate my hair
right now, which is day hair orday DAE you can get out Sephora,
(05:16):
but it is like super good forme.
I think it's so personal, likeif you have psoriasis, what
works for you, what doesn't workfor you.
But every other shampoo at themoment is like super irritating
to my scalp, except for day.
So I'm trying to just use thatand, that being said, I need to
go replace it because I just hadthe travel size that I bought
(05:36):
for Italy, which honestly,lasted me so long.
I kind of like I'm obsessedwith just travel size products
because it's not overwhelmingand I actually use them all up,
because what is now?
It's like the middle ofDecember and I bought that the
middle of September, so that'slike three months.
Yeah, so yeah.
(05:57):
Anyways, I just wanted to putthat out there for any of my
psoriasis grilles.
I know that this is like thetime of year where, well, at
least for me and the climatethat I live in, where I tend to
get the flare ups becausesunlight is the best thing to
help your psoriasis, mypsoriasis I don't know about
yours, but like it is the bestthing.
And obviously my head is notgetting as much sunlight now
because it's not summer.
Also because I wear a hat inthe winter because it's cold.
(06:19):
So, yeah, I just wanted to putthat out there and like I'm
rocking the egg head at themoment because I just need like
to soothe this area so I don'ttouch it and irritate it,
because there's nothing worsethan letting your plaques build
up.
It is so hard to get them goneand it's so annoying in your
scalp because it's just so gross.
(06:39):
If you've ever had psoriasis,like it's not gross like you,
it's just like like I meanpersonally, like if I saw it on
someone else I'm not going tothink you you're so disgusting.
I mean for me myself, it's justso hard to like clean it out
and like feel good about yourhead when that is the situation
going on.
So, anyways, that's just alittle side note on something
(06:59):
that I'm working through at themoment, and is is it's it's
flaring up in a new place thisyear.
Okay, where did I put my water?
Oh, no, I think I left it outof the room.
Can we just grab my water quick, because I'll be sad if I don't
.
I'm back, I've got my Christmasmug and water is inside of it
(07:19):
and I'm going to take it.
Oh gosh, my mic just got stuckon my knee and I'm just going to
take a quick sip.
Very nice, very refreshing.
I knew if I didn't grab that Iwould be very, very sad about it
, but I'm at the point of my day.
I'm recording this middle of theafternoon, well, about an hour
before I have to go pick up arow, which is one of my favorite
(07:41):
times to record.
I think my favorite favoritetime is like first thing in the
morning, like literally rightwhen I wake up, if I can make a
cozy cup of coffee and sneakinto the studio.
But I rarely get to do thatbecause, obviously, being a
mother, you have a child thatyou have to take care of and the
house can be loud in themorning, which isn't ideal for
recording in a home studio.
(08:01):
So yeah, I rarely get to dothat, but I think that is my
favorite time.
And then I think my secondfavorite time is probably now.
I don't know.
I feel like sometimes, likeafter I do row drop off, if I
get into the studio right away.
Sometimes I like doing it then.
But I find that the podcast isenergizing but also like not
(08:25):
draining in the sense that Ican't continue with like a
workday the best of my abilityafter that of other things that
I have to do, but I can feelvery energized to continue with
my mom workday, which is goodbecause after I record at this
time, which is before I pick uprow then I go into picking up
row and I feel good because Ihave completed the podcast and I
(08:48):
give it time to marinate beforeI have to go back to it and
edit it.
I've already completed all theother work tasks I need to do
recording, editing of otherthings that I'm posting emails,
all of that stuff.
So it's just like a good closeto the end of the day.
But sometimes it feels like alingering thing, that's like
weighing over my head like, oh,you need to record the podcast,
(09:08):
and then I get all weird.
But then usually around likethat middle of the afternoon,
it's like just get in the studio.
My eyes are tired of looking ata screen all day, even though
I'm here with my iPad in frontof me, but I'm still not looking
at a screen doing that type ofwork.
So it's a nice little breakup.
So I think I'm just realizingthat.
(09:29):
But anyways, today we aretalking all about grief around
the holidays and I think thatit's so personal for everyone
and people who haven't evengrieved the loss of someone, can
definitely feel grief of somany different things and I
think it took me a while torealize, like, what that meant
for me, because I'd say my veryfirst Christmas of grieving was
(09:54):
probably I'm going to say it waslike a legit grieving Christmas
was the Christmas after my dadpassed away, because I was still
a child.
I was going to say a lot ofpeople are not for a lot of
people, but I can see how, likethe second at least for me, my
second grieving, which probablywould have been my first, of my
dad had and passed away, wasgrieving my childhood
(10:15):
Christmases, because once youbecome an adult and move away
for school I think for me it wasthe moving away I remember
grieving almost my childhood,that first day when I moved away
into res like I remember whenmy mom and aunt drove away and I
just stayed in my room becauseI was like so nervous I didn't
know where to go and there I haduntil like whatever time 3pm
(10:38):
till we started doing likeresidence activities and getting
to know all the other people inthe dorms.
But I remember sitting in myroom pretty much like already
set up my room and everythingand just like all of a sudden
realizing like that I had moreresponsibility and that my life
was going to be foreverdifferent from this point on,
(10:59):
and it just felt very heavy andI remember feeling sadness and a
wave of that, and so thatChristmas also would have felt
that way for me, because I wouldhave come home from school and
it would have felt different inthe house and I would have had
different friends andexperiences and all of that
stuff not whatever, but all ofthat stuff.
So that's what I feel like islike a big grief that people can
(11:21):
feel around the holiday timefor the first time, and I think
that there's so many more on topof that.
But for me, my first grievingChristmas where I felt a weight
of grief was a Christmas where Iwas literally still grieving in
the depths of it my firstChristmas without my dad,
because we lost him in the fall.
(11:44):
And then we had that Christmasand it was very present in our
lives that he wasn't there andit was sad and it was jolly and
there was happiness and therewas goodness and there was lots
of other things, but there wasdefinitely sadness, and so if
that's something that you'reexperiencing this Christmas your
first Christmas without a lovedone due to loss like take time
(12:07):
and take peace and know that.
I honestly appreciate it, thatholiday, because it felt
different, yes, but it also wasa beautiful time to share
memories, which I always do.
Literally anytime I can share amemory, I share a memory, but,
like, I feel like the holidaytime and bringing family
(12:27):
together is one of the besttimes to get to share memories,
especially for me and my family,because my brother moved my
brother six years older than me,so he wasn't living at home
when my dad passed away, and soholidays are one of the times
that we all get together and weget to relive those memories,
especially in my case, because Idon't have many people in my
(12:50):
life that knew my dad anymoreand I actually don't have any
day to day people in my lifeexcept for my mom and my brother
who knew my well and I guess myaunts and stuff, but like
immediate in my life day to dayis my mom and my brother who
knew my dad.
And so I love when we gettogether around holiday times,
(13:14):
especially Christmas, and get toshare those memories, because
you're reliving a goodness withthe people who were there to
live that time.
Oh my gosh, am I gonna cry?
I didn't think I was gonna crythis episode, which like maybe
that's a joke on me, becauseobviously it's a grief episode
and I feel like grieving andcrying kind of going hand in
(13:34):
hand.
But I really didn't think I wasgonna cry this episode, oh my
gosh.
And now I'm scratching my headStop.
Anyways, I wanted to talk andjust be open about this because
I think so many people feel thesadness of Christmas.
So let's talk through what Ibelieve to be lots of different
(13:57):
things that you can grievearound the Christmas time.
So a focus on grief ofChristmas past, loved ones and
friends that are no longer here,places you used to be, who you
used to be all of these things,I feel, become so prominent
around Christmas time becauseit's like a, it's like a steady
marker every year where you feelnostalgic, because it's
(14:19):
something that's celebratedevery year and has like a time
stamp two years past.
It's a lot like a birthday.
I feel like birthdays hold alot of grief in them as well.
So I think, like when I thinkabout my relationships and the
way that they've evolved overthe years, there are people in
my life, who still have such animportant part of my heart
(14:43):
because they've been such a bigpart of who I've been to this
day.
But I don't talk to themanymore for either reasons that
we've just grown apart orthere's been meaningful moments
where there's been separationand boundaries placed.
We just don't talk.
And Christmas is one of thosetimes where I get overflute.
(15:03):
Overfluted what am I trying tosay?
Flood it with those emotions ofand memories of those people in
my life and this is me talkingbeyond just my dad, like I gave
I.
He is will always be obviouslya huge part of my life.
But friendships that I no longerhave in my life, who are such
(15:25):
important parts of who I'vebecome, and also stages of
relationship, even with Trevor,stages of our relationships in
the past and Christmases we'vehad in the past, even with my
family, with my mom and mybrother, places we've been our
family home growing up, whichdoesn't even exist anymore, as
(15:51):
most good Toronto homes do getknocked down and put up another
giant home.
But honestly I'm not even thatsentimental to physical spots or
physical things like that house.
Anytime I do go back to, likewhere I used to live, I'll
always drive past our lot whichis no longer our house.
But and see and see what's, seewhat's there and see what's
(16:13):
there and see what's up and likethat physical location does
bring back so many memories andis good I do love to go back to,
like the actual place.
I don't feel a lot of sadnessabout the fact that my house
isn't there anymore.
I almost feel special, like wewere the last ones to get to, to
have that memory of that placeand that was ours.
(16:35):
And yes, there are people wholive there before us, but nobody
who lived there after us, andit's our special spot.
But anyways, and then obviously, even places that we live
before.
I only lived one other placebefore that, but the apartment
that I grew up in and and thegood memories that we have there
.
And I was young and most ofthose memories are probably
photo memories and memories thatpeople told me, which just
(16:57):
means that it's a memory of melooking at something and then,
yes, it's been etched into mymind, but all of those things
flood over me during the holidaytimes and I'm so grateful for
each of them, but they can comeup like a volcano.
Sometimes you are in the midstof just living your Holly, jolly
life, or honestly, not evenlike, just not even thinking
about anything.
(17:18):
Like the holidays are comingand you're you're kind of not
avoiding them but you're like,ok, they're coming, but I'm not
really like stressed to have toprepare a plan for anything yet.
And then all of a sudden you'rejust hit with this sadness of
like I miss those times.
I miss that time.
I miss, I miss those people.
What are they up to?
I wonder what.
(17:39):
And I miss, I miss thegatherings that we had and the
music that was shared and thelaughter that we had.
And there's good and bad toeverything.
Right, there's good and bad,and something I love about
nostalgia is that the good tendsto bubble up and the bad kind
of gets weighed it down.
Which I think is such a goodthing to think about
(17:59):
retrospectively.
Living in the moment is thatthe goodness that is happening
in your life now is going tocarry on for probably ever into
all your memories, and the notso good doesn't tend to stick
around as as as prominent, butit does build you into a better
(18:20):
version of yourself.
But I think it's important thisholiday season to put a grief
plan in place Because when itdoes come to that point where
you're bubbling over withsadness or anger or just
loneliness or emptiness becauseyou feel like you're missing
something that you once had.
You need to make sure that yousupport and protect yourself in
(18:41):
those moments and also that youtell the people around you maybe
that you're going to feel thatway.
I feel like so often I leaveTrevor in the dark when it comes
to things like that and hedoesn't know why I'm not in the
mood to talk or just like kindof feeling off and I'm not in
the mood to explain why.
So I think it's important totell those support people around
(19:02):
you like, hey, just so you know, coming up through the holidays
, there might be moments where Ifeel lower down, and it has
nothing to do with myexpectations of this Christmas
or things that you aren'tcompleting or doing or anything.
It's just I'm probably grievinga moment and I just need a
moment to work through it andthat's all part of the plan.
(19:24):
I think telling your supportpeople is probably the biggest
part of the plan.
It's even prepping andpreparing yourself by taking a
moment to just be like okay, theholidays are coming and I might
feel down and I might feel sadand I might feel blue, and
that's okay.
Number two I think it's soimportant to think of a physical
thing that you can do in thosemoments For me, like you have
(19:46):
for me.
It's all about deciding whetheror not I'm feeding into the
sadness and living in thatmoment or I'm looking for maybe
a distraction or comfort.
I love to sit in my feels Likethere's and like balance right,
(20:06):
like there is times where I justlove to be in my feels and I
feel like the holidays is one ofthose moments where it's like I
love a good sad song, sadChristmas music, maybe like a
walk and some tears, like I dolove, or like a sappy car ride
cry, like I do love to sit in mysadness sometimes, and so if
(20:30):
that's where I feel like I wannabe supported, then I'll do that
and I love to go for, yeah,those walks or those drives with
the not even necessarily sadmusic like, but almost nostalgic
music, which is obviously, inturn, sad music if it's bringing
up feelings of missingsomething.
Another thing when I'm in thatdistracted mode which isn't even
(20:52):
, it's not necessarily evendistraction, it's comfort.
If I'm looking for comfortbecause I'm feeling just
overwhelmed in the moment withmy feels and my emotions and
it's making me feel like I'mgoing to explode, because I just
feel overwhelmed with sadnessand missing something is to
(21:12):
support myself with a show or abook or a bubbly bath.
Even going and doing a, gettingmaybe a massage, or going to a
yoga slash meditation class.
I honestly I'm not a huge yogi,but my favorite thing in the
world is restorative yoga and Ilove it because it's like a
forced hour of like putting yourbody in positions that you
(21:34):
wouldn't necessarily find restin yourself and you're usually
guided through some sort ofmeditation.
I love that.
I feel like it's very opening.
It's opening for your soul.
It feels good for the body, itfeels good in every moment.
But, yeah, booking yourselfclasses like that or watching
your comfort show and just liketaking a moment for you, making
(21:56):
a snack that you find sodelicious and lovely and
comforting and warm and justeverything, like just doing
things like that and then alwaysknowing that tomorrow is gonna
be a new day, and I think that'sone of the biggest things for
me that I'm grateful for in myimmediate, that I learned in my
like immediate grief of losing aloved one unexpectedly is that
(22:19):
I learned through that, thattype of unexpected grief that
there is always gonna be atomorrow not always, that's a
weird way to say it thattomorrow will come and it will
always be a new day.
Like there will be a new day.
Today is today, tomorrow istomorrow and there will be
something good that comes fromjust going to sleep and resting
(22:44):
and waking up the next day, likeI don't know how to explain
that even more.
I mean, I do, if I really sitand go with it.
But that's something that Ilearned because of the losing a
loved one unexpectedly.
That one really like helped alot in my just like life vision,
view of how I see my differentmoods and how I see time and the
(23:11):
beauty of a refresh, a restart,a new sunrise.
Like that is something lovelyand helps me when I feel grief
with something that isn't likewhen it's grief-worn
relationships that are no longerpart of my life but those
people still are in the world,or of like childhood, because
(23:35):
it's still a part of me, but youcan't go backwards, right?
So things like that.
And then another thing is tohonor.
I think it's so important tohonor our loved ones and our
loved moments that we may feelsadness around or about and I
said earlier this one if it'speople who are no longer in your
(23:55):
life, even people who aren't inmy life like day to day anymore
, but still live on this earth,like I love to share stories
about them, is that weird, likeI don't know.
I love sharing stories.
I think it's one of my greatestthings of connection is just
sharing about the people that Iloved and have loved or and love
(24:17):
, and so sharing stories andmemories and moments and foods
that they loved and things likethat, like I will always cherish
that and I cherish my memorieslike nothing else, so it's one
of the greatest things.
When you find people in yourworld who will listen, I will
take the opportunity to share.
But I think honoring them and Ithink a lot of people for loved
(24:41):
ones who have passed ishonoring them with something
special maybe ornaments thatwere special that you decorate
the tree with, or meals ortraditions that you used to have
and continuing those on, evensetting a place at the table or
a stocking out for them, likethings like that that are
physical, can be such a bigthing.
Pictures, obviously, and for methis year is something so
(25:06):
special, like I am at the point,or Ro is at the point in age
where she asks questions back,like I've always shared stories
about my dad with her from birth, but now when we talk about him
or he comes up, it feels so funto get to share.
(25:26):
Oh my gosh, I am gonna cry thisepisode no, not that there's
anything wrong with crying, I'mjust trying to get through it.
But not even get through it,but talk clearly.
Ro is at that age now wherewhen something comes up and I
get to share about, like oh,that's something my dad loved or
(25:47):
got to do, or this is somethingthat we would do together and
she's so invested like she and Idon't know how much she gets,
but she gets it.
Like, the first time where shereally asked a question, like
all of a sudden it was kind oflike oh, your dad, because she
obviously knows Trevor's dad,grandpa, and she has my mom and
Trevor's mom, two grandmas.
(26:08):
But I remember talking aboutsomething and then she was like
wait, your dad, like grandpa.
And I was like, no, that'sTrevor's dad.
Like I had a dad too, but hepassed away.
Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
And she's like but I wanted tomeet, I wanted to meet your dad
(26:29):
and that's her number one thing.
Anytime I talk about my dad nowI was like I wish I could meet
him.
I'd like to meet him and I'mlike girl like you are him Like.
There's so much all of thosereally good and wonderful
attributes that my dad had beingloving and caring and the life
of the party and full of spunkand joy.
(26:54):
Like that is Rosie, and Ialways tell her like he's here,
he's with you, he's with me.
But it's been so fun thisholiday season getting to share,
share stories and sharememories, and I have VHS tapes
(27:14):
downstairs that I need to get aVHS player so that I can watch
them.
But I also feel like I'm likephysically not prepared, because
it's so I've never lost someonein the digital age of this,
like the age where I would havelost my dad, we didn't have
videos of literally everythingthat was like accessible and so
(27:34):
I haven't.
I don't think I've seen a videoof my dad since I I don't know
if I have like I think mayberight after we saw video, we had
a VHS player and saw somethingor something.
I don't know, but I haven'tseen a video since.
I haven't physically seen, I'veonly seen photos.
I haven't like seen it, heardhim, heard his voice.
I haven't heard his voice sincehe passed away.
(27:55):
So like I don't think I amready.
I am ready, but like I don'tthink I'm ready, like I think
that'll be a lot and it'll putme into a place that might be
scary and uncomfortable.
So I like not a bad place, butit'll just like be a lot for me
(28:16):
to process.
But I would love to share thatwith Ro.
Like I'd love for her to get tosee his mannerisms and hear his
voice and and see himphysically as well, obviously in
video format, but anyways, Ican't.
Who knew the grief episode wasgoing to have sadness in it?
(28:36):
But I think like that's been areally fun thing for me is just
sharing those beautiful memorieswith her and different songs
and like it, like, and sheremembers everything.
Ro is like a little sponge andso even just we were listening
to Christmas music, like I feel,like months ago, because she's
(28:57):
been practicing for herChristmas concert since like the
beginning of school and soChristmas music has been a part
of our life for the past months.
But she was listening todifferent Christmas music.
She asked me to put on playlist.
I was like, okay, so I put onplaylist and, rocking around,
the Christmas tree came on,which is like literally my
number one favorite Christmassong, because it's such a big
part of my childhood we used toput it on every single time we
(29:19):
would decorate the tree.
I reminds me of my dad, like hewould dance and have fun to it,
and so I just like an importantsong in my life and it has
holds a lot of meaning.
And I remember saying to Ro likethis is my favorite Christmas
song and I don't even think Iwent into depths of why it's my
favorite Christmas song.
And now, every time it comes on, she's like and this one's
mommy's favorite like announcesit, like she knows.
It's like the second it comeson, she like and this one's
(29:41):
mommy's favorite, and then it'slike it just makes she's
honoring something for me andit's even more honoring.
So, anyways, one time I said Itold her why, like I broke it
down, I was like, oh yeah, likethis was me and grandpa's
favorite, like my dad, like I'llspecify, and she's she always.
(30:03):
Anytime I say things like that,anytime it plays like a couple
more times, she's like you, meand grandpa love this song and
it's like I know that she'stalking about my dad and it's
like that is the best feelingI've ever felt in my whole wide
life.
Sorry, it's like a feeling Inever knew, that I don't know.
(30:28):
It's like a feeling I neverknew I could experience.
I think I just never.
I never.
I think when I had Ro, I neverthought or I think what I even
thought about having kids.
I just because I never thoughtabout having kids in the time
that my dad was alive.
So, like I think, when Ithought about having kids, I
(30:49):
never even thought about my dad,like it wasn't even a thought,
it was a part of my thoughtprocess, literally.
And then when I had a row, itwas like there's obviously
inevitable times where I had totalk about my dad or I have to
introduce him or introducing himfor the first time, his
character, who he is, is thisperson that's in my life but not
(31:13):
physically in my life, like allof this stuff.
And so it's like I never eventhought about that, like I
really did it, and so it's likeI didn't prepare myself in any
way or think about how it wouldfeel or anything, and so now
that it's being like, it'sbecome like a very present part
and she's asking questions andshe wants to know more.
It's just one of those thingswhere it's like I never thought
(31:37):
that I had more closure to feelabout my dad passing or things
like that.
And with every question sheasks and everything where she
includes herself in a memory andmoment that was between me and
my dad is literally is like ahealing thing for me and I never
(32:02):
thought that would happen, likeI never thought that I would.
I never.
I never even thought that Iwould have a relationship with
my dad and my kids.
So I don't know how to explainit, but anyways, it's just been
this really overwhelming, in agood way, healing thing where it
(32:25):
just is.
So it's so much joy andhappiness, and so that's what I
mean when I say that Christmasand sadness and grief and
happiness and joy is socomplicated and confusing and it
all fuses in with each otherand it makes it all what
Christmas is like.
That, for me, is what Christmasis.
(32:46):
It's sadness, of happiness,it's confusion, it's anger, it's
overwhelm, it's every emotionlike that is what makes it what
it is.
It can't just be pure joy,because pure joy does not exist.
You can't have joy withoutsadness, and that's why I
obviously have this podcastwhere we talk about the highs
and the lows of life, becausethey're also beautiful, like
(33:08):
feelings, and the ability tofeel is so beautiful.
It is this beautiful life, andI am so grateful that I'm able
to feel all the ups and thedowns, like I'm grateful that I
have that opportunity.
And if you are grieving thisChristmas again, it doesn't have
(33:30):
to be the death of somebody.
It can be a Christmas past,someone that you used to be or a
way that you used to celebrateChristmas, or people who are no
longer in your life anymore butare still out there living their
own lives and you wonder, Iwonder what they're up to, or I
wonder if they think about me to, or I miss the times that we
(33:53):
used to have together or theplaces that we used to celebrate
Christmas, or I'm now livingsomewhere separate from my
family or the people that I loveand I'm not able to celebrate
in the way that I used to beable to celebrate.
I just want you to know that Iam thinking of you and I am here
for you, and that there is somuch beauty in all of the ups
(34:16):
and the downs, and sometimesit's hard to see it in the
moment.
But that's why I think it'simportant this holiday season to
put that plan in place on howyou can support yourself, how
you can one prepare, prepare forthe holidays and no, take note
like, hey, this year I think I'mprobably going to feel
(34:38):
something this or that or whatand if you don't know that
that's going to erupt, preparein the way that you know it's
comfortable for you.
I think it's important in ourlife to always have on hand
things that make us feelcomfortable or disconnect it
from what's going on right now,so that we can take a step back
and have a break and come back,come back to center, whether
(35:02):
that be doing a meditation orwatching your favorite show or
listening to sad music ornostalgic music and going for a
walk and breathing in fresh air.
Honestly taking through bigbreath can be the biggest help.
And then also honoring thosememories and those loved ones
and those feelings of Christmaspast, honoring them and sharing
(35:24):
them, like if you can find ashoulder to share too, I think
it's the most beautiful gift theworld can be, and so I always
try and be that shoulder to havesomeone share to me whenever I
can, whenever someone has astory to share, because I know
how much that means to me.
So I think journaling can alsofit in there, sharing memories
(35:45):
through journal.
But there's something sospecial about sharing the
memories that you love so muchwith just another person and
know that they're, they're partof it, and hearing and listening
.
But sadness around the holidaysis complex and it is
overwhelming, and it is high andlow, and I know people who will
(36:05):
avoid all of the holidaysbecause of that, which is fair.
And I'm not saying you have tocelebrate.
But I also know that life isforever changing and growing and
that there's things tocelebrate that don't have to do
with the holidays.
There's things to celebrate inour daily lives, every day, even
when we feel the most lonely orgrief filled, and I think when
(36:28):
we can honor and put in place aplan of support that we can find
love after we work through whatwe need to work through.
But grief is hard and theholidays are hard, but life is
beautiful and it has.
It has goodness in it too.
(36:49):
So I'm sending love to all ofyou, my cuties, this holiday
season, and I hope that you feelthat you can come into my DMs
and share something with me,share a memory of a loved one or
a loved moment or a lovedChristmas that you cherish close
to your heart, because I'd loveto hear them, truly I would.
I love when you come and youshare your memories with me.
(37:12):
I carry them in my heart like aprize because you've let me
into the most, the most preciouspart of your life.
So I love you all so much and Iguess let's get to the point
where we're going to share arecipe today.
I need a sip of water.
I.
That is so funny.
I really thought I was goinginto this episode not not going
(37:33):
to be emotional at all.
I'm literally.
I don't know how.
I thought that the wholeepisode was about being
emotional, but that's so funny.
Okay, the recipe of the day.
Cute, I've been having so muchfun sharing these recipes.
Like literally, it is like ascrapbook of one of my favorite
(37:54):
things, memories, past thingsthat I've picked up along the
way and shared with the peoplethat I loved or had them share
with me.
Like I am really obsessed,obsessed.
And today is the day we arecelebrating.
We are going to share drinks.
Oh my gosh, cuties.
I almost didn't.
I wasn't going to includedrinks almost, and then I was
like we have to have one recipeof like a fall holiday, a
(38:17):
holiday, a holiday and a year,and that was me putting those
together.
Drink, because I feel like thatis just a way to toast in
obviously so many things toastto Christmas, toast to the New
Year, toast to getting throughthe hardest year of your life,
toast to getting to celebratingall of the accomplishments
you've done this year.
Toast to so many things, right?
(38:38):
So we are going to do drinksand my favorite type of mixed
drink and it was hard for me topick like really, I was like
what is it?
But then I was like for winter,really, truly, my favorite
mixed drink is a whiskey sour.
I just love sour in general.
I think they are so warm anddelicious.
I think that you can make themin so different ways.
(39:01):
So I'm actually going to sharemy holiday sour remixed three
ways.
So we're doing a twist on theclassic.
I'm going to show you threeways to make a different sour or
three different hours, and Ithink that they are something
that can really spice up any ofyour holiday moments where you
need a toast, and they're sodelicious and really truly
(39:22):
comforting and warm and lovely,and they are just something I
like.
I'm the joy that's coming intomy cheeks right now, like they
almost hurt, like I'm talkingabout all the memories I've had
while sharing a sour with goodfriends or good family, or even
good memories, and it's justsomething so warm and wonderful
(39:44):
to me.
So that is what we're sharingtoday.
I'd also love if you could tellme what your favorite toasting
drink is.
Obviously, like there's classicprosecco you guys know I'm in
my prosecco era but I just mean,like, what is your favorite
like winter cocktail?
What is something that justlike sparks that joy or has good
memories associated with you orwith it for you?
(40:04):
I would love to know, because Ijust am like kind of freaking
obsessed with sour at the momentand the way that I feel like
they have like been a great partof my like adult life, hood and
sharing time with others inlike festive holiday party
situation.
So, anyways, check out myTikTok and Instagram at five
(40:26):
years time podcast.
I also posted on YouTube foranyone who doesn't have those
socials to make it a little bitmore accessible.
But I'm so excited to share thatwith you and I hope we can all
toast together today, you're notalone.
If you feel alone and any ofyour feelings of sadness or
confusion or anger, like, I amthere with you, cute, I feel it
(40:51):
all and it is so up and down andknow if today is the day that
you're in your depths, tomorrowwas a new day and the sun will
rise and we will breathe infresh air and we will find
goodness in any of thosedifficult moments.
I love you all so much.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for celebrating thecountdown to Christmas with me.
(41:11):
This has been such a.
This isn't the end of it.
We're only on day what did Isay?
Six, but we're pretty muchhalfway through and this has
been honestly, like a really,really powerful journey for me,
and I knew it would be.
I knew this would push me outof my comfort zone in one way or
another, which I'm alwaystrying to do.
So love you and can't wait totalk in the dms.
(41:34):
Be back tomorrow for Tuesday,day seven of 12 days of Podmas.
You're the best.
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