November 8, 2023 • 41 mins
What if you could have a front-row seat to a week-long adventure filled with Halloween fun, Costco shopping, Christmas decorations, and meat pie making? That's right - pull up a chair and join me as I navigate through a whirlwind week that had its fair share of thrills, chaos, and love-filled moments. From trick-or-treating with my daughter, Ro, to a girls' week during Trevor's business trip, and even a fun-filled weekend with friends – I promise, you're in for a treat!
Ever wonder how to juggle maintaining a social media presence while savoring life's small, meaningful moments? It's a constant balancing act, one that often resembles a tightrope walker at a circus. As I share my journey, you'll hear about my battles with follower counts and likes, my attempts to focus more on my feelings, my personal struggles with socializing, and so much more. Plus, I reveal how my fashion sense mirrors my life - confident, unique, and unfazed by others' opinions.
Lastly, wrap up this exciting journey with me as I discuss my rose, bud, and thorn of the week while nibbling on a delicious square pizza. Yes, you heard right – square pizza! It's my new craving, and trust me, it's as yummy as it sounds. But, it's not just about the pizza. It's also about the importance of reaching out when feeling disconnected and learning to appreciate solitude. So, are you ready to embark on this rollercoaster ride? Let's get started!
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- Grace
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, you're listening to 5 Years Time with
your host, grace Black.
Hey, cuties, grace, here I'mjust grabbing out a blanket
(00:26):
because, guess what, it's thattime of year again where I need
to podcast with my blankie,because I'm a little chilly.
Also, my voice is kind of weakbecause I had a wonderful
weekend and I think I about avery busy beginning of the week.
As I yawn right now because Ihave just been kind of go, go,
(00:48):
go until now, I kind of can slowdown now, but I gotta fit in
the podcast.
So here we are, cutes, and I'mexcited to catch you up on
everything.
So let's start from the top.
Last week was really fun.
I told you I had an excitingweek ahead of me and it was
(01:09):
something so fun.
I think it was last weekHalloween, like I think it was.
Yeah, oh my gosh, it's been awhirlwind.
There's so much to catch you upon.
Oh my gosh.
Okay, I'm so confused becauseit's November 8th and it's like
what, where did the end ofOctober go?
But, yes, okay, I remember, Iremember.
So where I left you off wasHalloween, which is when I was
(01:34):
recording.
But anyways, wednesday night wedrove to Oakville to take
trouble to his parents and wehad dinner there and me and Ro
did a bit of trick-or-treating,which was so fun and she was so
excited because normally wealways do the trick-or-treating
on the weekend before becauseour community does like a little
(01:55):
parade type thing.
So she hasn't actually gone onHalloween and I forgot I was
taking trouble to his parents onHalloween.
So I had thought like, oh,maybe I'll take her around the
neighborhood like that's likeclose by if we're up to it, and
for a little trick-or-treat.
But that worked out perfect,because we just did his
neighborhood and she just saidshe was like we went to one
(02:19):
house and she was like this isso exciting that she went to
another house and she's like ohmy gosh, mommy, weird
trick-or-treating again.
I got to go twice.
This is the best thing ever.
It was so cute.
But the reason that we went isbecause Trevor had a business
trip that he had to get on aplane for first thing in the
morning on Thursday, and so itwas just easier for him to leave
(02:39):
from there than to have tofigure out how to get to the
airport from here in the middleof the night.
So that worked out really,really well and so then Trevor
was away for a really quick tripjust three days and so me and
Ro had a girls week for theremainder of the week and we
really just I think we just likehung out, walked outside, hung
(03:03):
the Christmas every day.
There was more little Christmasbits and bobs up.
I still haven't fully Christmaseyes, but I did.
I'm happy I actually hung theChristmas lights, because now
it's like I feel so dark all thetime and it's been cooler, so
I'm happy.
I did it on a sunny day andthen on Friday I had to go to
(03:25):
church.
Oh, I forgot to tell you I wentto Costco QTS before I went to
Costco for the first time inliterally six months and I got
so much stuff and we're likestocked up on snacks for the
next probably month or so, whichis awesome.
So when I do my weekly groceryshop I'll really just have to
get.
We actually have a bunch ofproduce that are like long
lasting in the fridge, likeveggies and stuff, so I really
(03:48):
only will have to buy proteinfor the next while.
So that's awesome.
And dairy, obviously, becauseRo and Trevor are milk fiends,
but yeah.
So I had a great trip to Costcobecause we needed to get
everything.
The whole reason we went toCostco was because I needed to
go with my mom to get all thestuff, supplies for meat pies to
make for our winter fundraiser.
(04:09):
We did meat pies at church inthe spring for the first time,
me and mom.
They'd done them years before,but not since COVID.
So we took it on and we had agreat time and it was I don't
want to say easy enough, like itis a lot of work, but like it
was, like it wasn't, like it wasfun.
We had a fun time doing it.
So we're doing it for theirwinter festival of some sort
(04:33):
fair, I don't remember what it'scalled.
I'm not going to it because wealready have plans that weekend,
but anyway.
So we need to get all thesupplies for that because fast
forward to this week we weregoing to be making meat pies.
But so that was really fun.
We had a good time at Costco.
And then on Friday we alsoneeded to set up for another
(04:56):
thing that was going on atchurch.
So we went to set up for ourpotluck, because we have our
like annual fall potluck whereeveryone gets together and
obviously brings food and hasdinner together, and so we had
everything set up because thatwas going to be Saturday and
then I picked up row early fromschool because I had to go get
Trev from the airport.
So I dropped row off at mymom's for a sleepover and then I
(05:17):
went to pick up Trevor from theairport and we had it back to
his parents to stay there forthe night, because it was my
best friend's 30th birthday andthat's our last of our 30
friends to turn 30.
So let's just say, oh my gosh,only for him what?
I Drink tequila straight.
I used to love tequila.
(05:37):
That was like my favorite thingever, like when I was in
college, especially like I lovedit.
And then I remember we went toa bar for one of Trevor's
friends birthdays and it waslike a dive bar that we love,
but we got shots of tequila.
Never do that at a bar whereit's like, oh, the tequila was
so horrible.
I literally haven't taken astraight shot of tequila since
(06:00):
then.
I think there was one othertime I did and it just like at
the second I took it I was likeI just want to go home, like I
didn't feel well.
So I now never take shots oftequila.
I really actually never takeshots of straight any liquor.
I'll always mix or havesomething like a Swedish barrier
or whatever, because I justnever feels good.
But so my bestie Akbar is wholething, like his whole love,
(06:23):
that's his thing is tequila likehe loves all tequila, he likes
it all.
He likes to smoke, he's likethe normal stuff, whatever.
So I actually chose tequilabased drinks for that evening,
like the coolers that I broughtwith me, because I was like I
feel to be tequila.
And then we were actually therejust like a few months ago for
(06:44):
his fiance's birthday, my otherbestie and they were trying to
get everyone to do tequila shotsand I was like super strong and
like nope, I'm not going to,but for some reason I got sucked
into the tequila shots and likeso many of them.
So anyways, yeah, I had areally fun night, I think, and
Honestly I wasn't too bad.
The next morning I woke up and Iwas just like, yeah, I don't
(07:08):
feel well, but that was thefirst time we haven't had row in
the morning in a long time.
Like I actually can't rememberthe last time that, because
normally, like recently, a lotof the time when we've had a
night away from her, we reallyhaven't, because we've stayed at
his parents, and then shestayed at her parents like I
can't remember the last time shestayed at my mom's.
It's been a while.
(07:30):
So, anyways, that was like thefirst time we actually just like
had a kid-free, kid-freemorning.
So that was lovely and I wokeup and hydrated and then had a
really relaxing Morning in bedand Trevor would have stayed in
bed forever.
He also had just come home fromSan Francisco.
So he was just like exhaustedbut and also he was the TD the
(07:52):
night before, but he stayed uplate.
But then the night the nightbefore that, when he was at his
like conference and stuff, Ithink he had a fun time and they
were like having parties andstuff.
So anyways, he was exhaustedand I just needed fresh air.
Like that's my thing is, I justneed to go for a walk,
especially if it's like a briskmorning, which exactly is what
it was.
So I just kept convincingTrevor.
I was like let's go for a walk,let's go get coffee.
(08:12):
Eventually he was like okay,fine, so we got out or bed
around like nine or ten, I don'tremember, and we walked over
and got some coffee and it wasexactly what I needed and,
honestly, I was just tired therest of the day like really
tired, but I felt fine.
So that was good, good, good,good.
And I won't have to be in thatposition again until Akbar turns
(08:32):
40, I guess, but it was reallyfun.
It was fun to see my friends andthen that evening we had our
potluck at church, so we went tothat and I made meatballs and
garlic bread and we enjoyed thattime together with congregation
and, honestly, at the beginningI was fine and then, like
(08:53):
around dessert course, I waslike I am so tired, someone just
take me home.
But we also like help plan, sowe need to like set up and clean
up and all that stuff.
But I eventually got to go hometo my bed and then that was
Saturday, and then Sunday I wasback to Toronto because my other
best friend is getting marriednext year and so we were doing
(09:13):
her wedding dress shopping andour bridesmaid dress shopping
and we actually had such asuccessful day.
I think everyone found theirdresses, which is amazing, and
it was nice to spend time withthe bridal party and I'm so
Excited.
I also just like love when Iget to spend time with, like my
hometown friends.
Like it was so fun, that wassuch a perfect weekend of of
(09:34):
Celebrating with people that Ilove and it just makes me so
grateful for the friends that Ihave and I'm able to like keep
in my life, no matter like where, the chapters that were all in
and different lives and you knowAll the, all the different
seasons and stuff.
So that was really good.
But then when I got home it waslike Seven o'clock, oh, and we
(09:56):
also got an extra hour on Sunday, so that was good.
But when I got home it was likeseven o'clock, which I mean
isn't like so late, but it waspitch black from earlier on in
the day, but I was just so tiredand then Monday morning first
thing woke up and it was pietime.
So it is.
I'm recording today on Tuesday Iliterally just got home from
finishing our 300 meat pies.
(10:17):
We made half turkey, half beefand they turned out fabulous.
Well, I don't know how I needthem yet, but like I actually
just recently ate the ones fromthe strawberry festival that we
made in the spring because I hadthem in my freezer and they're
so good.
But yeah, that was really busy.
Today was a pretty easy Day incomparison to yesterday,
yesterday was just like a longday.
(10:38):
It was just me and my mommaking all the fillings so that
today we were all prepped forwhen we had the ladies come in
so that we could stuff all thepies and have an efficient line.
So, yeah, I'm just like so tired.
Like I had energy yesterdaymorning and then last night I
was exhausted.
And then this morning Bro wokeme up at like 5 20 and I was
just like I am so tired.
(10:58):
And then I knew we had to goback to church and I was like,
okay, just get through thisgrace.
And then I was like I gottarecord the podcast.
Hopefully I get home in time torecord before I have to go pick
up a row, because I reallydon't think I'll get around to
it If I have to wait till afterI put her to sleep because,
knowing me, I will pass out withher already.
Right now I feel like I couldpass out.
But yeah, we got everythingdone and it was so funny.
(11:22):
I feel like we already sold somany pies before we even Um, I
was even able to get them intoall into the freezer, because
there were so many people thatknew that we were making the
pies or it come to help out andthey were just like, oh, I need
to buy mine, I need to buy mine,but yeah, so that was fun.
And again, it's so nice to bewith people in person and I
always feel this like pull in myheart To like I don't know,
(11:45):
like I always am so up and down,like I love to be around people
.
I'm such an extrovert,introvert.
Like I love to be around people, I love to be energized.
Quality time is definitely mylike love language.
Like I really appreciate, um,the time with people, but then I
also just love being by myselfand like it's so I don't want to
say it's so hard to find a finebalance.
(12:07):
Like I'm always grateful whensocial opportunities come up
because, honestly, with like nowworking for myself, I like,
literally, if I didn't havesocial opportunities arise, like
I would never see people and Ialso live so far not so far but
like Inconveniently, I don'thave any convenient I I don't
like saying convenientfriendships because I don't
(12:28):
think like that.
I'm not trying to define afriendship as like convenience,
but I don't have any friendsthat live close by really, um,
to just like call on and be like, hey, let's go for a walk, like
, or do you want to grab acoffee, or do you want to just
cut?
I wish I had that like, do youjust want to come over, um, for
dinner?
Or like, just come in a rose,gone to bed, like, just come
over and hang out like the dream, like literally the dream.
(12:51):
I'm not giving up on that dream, but so I am always grateful
when social activities arise andI always try and like seize the
day in that way, um, because Ican and I'm grateful for this
have lots of like downtime or tomyself time, which is great
because it gives me so muchflexibility and recovery, and
(13:13):
like charging my social batteryand all that.
And I am such like a homebodyin that sense and I do love to
have my alone time.
But yeah, anyways, I, I it'shard to like, I don't know, like
it's so weird, I, I just feellike I'm always Not even the
grass is always greener.
I just feel like Sometimes Ican feel so lonely in the midst
(13:36):
of being social and thensometimes, when I'm like so
social, it's like, oh, I justfeel so overwhelmed.
I don't even know how toexplain it.
But anyways, that's how my weekwas.
It was really wonderful.
And I need to do laundry so badbecause I, feeling me in row,
have no socks or underwear.
So tomorrow is gonna be laundryand shows, and it's also
(14:00):
Wednesday.
Tomorrow I need to text backand see if she's coming over for
dinner for Wednesday nightdinner and if she is, I need to
think of something.
Or I have to ask her what shewants, but like I don't know if
I'm gonna be able to give it myfull Wednesday night dinner
hurrah, depending on what it is,because I've just given that to
two days of pie making.
But we'll see.
(14:20):
We'll see.
Maybe she wants pies because Ihave some in my freezer.
We'll see, honestly, but yeah,so that's how my week was.
Sorry, again, my throat is alittle shot.
I've just been busy and thathappens.
So next up, we've got our snackand drink of the week.
Again, I didn't make my drinkfor this episode because I'm
(14:42):
filming in the afternoon andwhen I film, when I have to
squish you guys in, which I hatedoing.
I love when I can like devoteproper time to you, which I am,
but like I just go for the waterin my favorite cup.
But my actual drink of the weekhas been a flat white.
I'm obsessed with that white tohave come in getting Trevor to
(15:03):
make them for me.
We actually ran out of beanstwo days ago so I had tea
yesterday morning which I have,this tea that I love so much.
It's called Peary tea and it'sso good by Bengal Hill and it
also really helps with like thistime of year with colds and
stuff like that, and I find likewhenever I'm feeling like horse
in my throat, like it's reallynice, but anyways.
(15:23):
So I got Tim Hortons yesterdayhalfway through the day because
I was like I need to pick me up,and then today I was, I dropped
row off and I was like if Idon't get a coffee in me, I'm
not gonna make it through thisday, and so I just grabbed a
quick coffee at 416, which I got, a flat white, and I just love,
love, love, love a flat white.
I think that's my like go-to.
(15:44):
I used to be such a latte girland then flat white started like
populating more and now if I amgonna get something I usually
go for the flat white, whichlike, I'm pretty sure, the only
difference between a flat weight.
I'm sure there's more than onedifference.
I'm not a brady stuff is thatthe.
I'm sure there's a differencein like whatever the amount of
milk to coffee ratio as aespresso, but I know that the
(16:06):
milk is like a higher fatpercentage.
I'm pretty sure it's like amilk cream or whatever, I don't
know, but it's so good and socreamy and smooth.
And then my snack of the weekhas been a toast with two fried
eggs and some flaky salt on top.
I'm just like absolutely livingfor it.
It takes five seconds to makeand I ate that.
I came home today, shove thaton the stove and just like scarf
(16:29):
that down right now andhonestly, it gave me such a good
energy boost.
So, yeah, that's been myfavorite snack.
Sometimes I'll do one egg, butusually two fried eggs on a
piece of toast like a nice pieceof like sourdough or rye bread.
I'm a rye toast girly.
I did get sourdough this time,like the pre.
I love a sourdough if it's likea fresh loaf from the bakery,
(16:51):
but not necessarily it's myfavorite for this life spread.
If it's a slice bread.
I will always go for a rye andI like any rye marble rye, malt
rye, all the rise like it can beany color rye seed rise, like I
just love rye.
Also now saying that I have noidea how to make rye bread.
I gotta look that up becausemaybe I should try making a rye
loaf one time, and I don't thinkI've ever bought like a fresh
(17:12):
rye loaf of bread before,because I'm thinking, like the
bakeries I go to I never see it.
Okay, now I need to look up allabout the rye breads, but that
is my snack and drink of theweek, so let's get into.
This week I learned okay cute, Ikind of spoke on this already
(17:35):
but this week I learned that Ineed to recenter my contentness
within myself, and I'm by.
I already spoke on this.
It kind of had to do with likeloneliness or feeling like I
don't know, like I don't haveenough time to do what I want to
do.
But then when I do have toomuch time, then I don't know
(17:55):
what I want to do.
So then I feel like I'm notwasting time, but like I don't
know, and not FOMO, it's notmissing out, I don't know how to
explain it.
Like sometimes I just feel likeI don't know what I want.
I think that's what it is.
I don't know.
I think that's the episodetitle, I don't know, but like
(18:16):
recently, I'm also on my period,which we all know, that I told
you last week I thought I wasgetting it and I did.
And that's always the time ofthe month where I just feel like
I wanna like delete my lifefrom social media.
And I felt like that beforeeven social media became a job.
But like it's like 10 timesworse when it is your job,
because I don't know not worse,like worse for me feeling, like
(18:38):
the feeling inside of me is likeoh my gosh, like I just wanna
like what is the point?
And like it's this repetitivething every day you have to
share.
But then when I love sharing, Ilove sharing it.
Like I love when I get to shareand I feel happy about it.
But if there's a feel of force,like a feel of like I don't
have anything to say to there, Idon't wanna say anything, or I
(18:59):
don't even wanna go on the app,like why do I have to?
But then it's like why do Ihave to?
And that's, I think, what I'mtrying to figure out.
Like I think there's people whowork in social media who like
always post so many times a dayand they're rigid and they stick
to their schedule even whenthey don't want to, and they
like they take that seriousroute of being like if I'm in it
(19:23):
to win it, then I gotta do itnow and like I think there was a
time that I felt like that, butthen anytime it felt forced, I
really wasn't having fun.
Or then people would startcalling me out or people put
their perceptions on me, likethey'd comment and be like oh,
you seem off today and maybethey're saying it from a nice
place, maybe they're not, Idon't know.
But I just hate when people arelike you don't seem like
(19:46):
yourself, like I miss when youused to be like this or this or
that.
I just hate those comments.
Like I hate the comments wherepeople are like I miss this, I
don't know what it is Like andI'm trying to think of like
myself commenting on people'sstuff.
But like, whenever even just onecomment I could get, especially
on my like Wednesday nightvlogs, I feel like a lot of
people are loving the Wednesdaynight dinner series and I'm
(20:06):
loving it because it's a timewhen I really just get to cook
and I'm not teaching, I don'thave to talk to the camera and I
can just like really be withthe food and like I'm loving it,
because I felt like for a yearstraight I never just was like
with the food, I was justtalking, talking, talking,
teaching, teaching, teachingwhich is awesome.
I love teaching when I havethings to teach, but at the same
(20:27):
time I also need time to justbe with the food and with where
Ro is at her in her life.
Right now I don't have as muchLike I do have more freedom in
some aspect, but like duringdinner time and stuff like that
she's wanting to be, like she'sneeding me more and I'm so happy
to be there for her.
So it's just one of thosethings where it's like I just
(20:49):
don't have as much freedom as Iused to cooking time wise,
because she doesn't take thesame naps she does, and also
like I don't like wasting foodand I don't want to cook when
it's not a meal time, if thatmakes sense.
Like I want to have a nice mealall together as a family, or I
don't want to cook just to cook,like, and then have too much
(21:11):
food left over at the end of theweek.
So it's a fine balance and likeI'm not coming on here to try
and be complaining or anything.
I am so appreciative, like Ipromise you I am, but like it's
just been like this internalpull on my heart this past week
and 100% it's because of likewhere I am chemically balanced
right now.
Totally, I get where my cycle is, but at the same time, I always
(21:31):
tell you, talk about how youfeel.
It makes you feel so muchbetter and it's so true it does.
And that's why I'm here to talkabout how I feel.
And if you feel like you don'twant to be the earfruit to
listen to that or it's toowhiney or I'm really sorry.
I just like, when I wasthinking about what I was going
to talk about this week, I justkept like circling the bush, I
(21:52):
like had a few things and I waslike just kept coming back to
this feeling and like recently,like I feel like I've really
been loving Instagram as a placeto share.
It just feels so much lesspressure.
Like because TikTok, likeliterally, if I don't post, I
lose like a hundred followers aday.
(22:14):
Like if, for every day I don'tpost, it's like 5,200 followers
every day that I lose, andthat's like a weird feeling and
I'm trying to like not even givespace or energy to that number
of those people.
Because one, if it's peoplethat are like I'm showing up on
their For you page and they'relike why do I follow you there?
I'm following me, great.
Like, do that please.
Because I don't want, likeprotect my energy, right, like I
(22:34):
don't want people on my page.
You don't want to be there.
You protect your energy, Iprotect mine.
But then also I think it's partof just like TikTok's algorithm
.
Like they just delete peoplerandomly.
Like I get comments all the timebeing like I haven't seen you
in so long, oh my gosh, I didn'teven realize I wasn't following
you, or I was trying to findyou and I couldn't find you, or
whatever.
So like I just feel like TikTokhas this like thing where they
really want you to be like withthem 24, seven, like go, go, go,
(22:57):
post, post, post.
But I can't be that person.
And then also then I feel likemaybe I'm putting too much
pressure on myself to createlike a more complex video where
maybe I could just be like chilland like I kind of miss just
eating with you guys and stufflike that.
But then when I do those videosthen I don't know, I just feel
too much pressure sometimes thatI like have to stay to stick to
(23:21):
a genre or I'm letting peopledown, or, if I'm not doing this,
or people start following meafter the facts, they're like
why are you doing that now?
But my point here being is thatI just need to like stop
thinking about other people andthink about myself, like, which
sounds selfish.
But also we have to be selfishin our lives, right?
(23:41):
Because, like, at the end ofthe day, it's my channel, my
content, and if I'm likeliterally having a mental battle
every day, like being like, oh,I have to post, and then, like
I have filmed so many videosthis past week and just like
didn't post any of them becauseI, by the end of it, I just felt
like crap, like literally I was, I was like I'd like finally
(24:03):
pull myself into a mood like,okay, let's film, and then I
film and I'd be excited about it, and then something.
And then all of a sudden, Idon't know, maybe like I just
didn't feel as peppy or itdidn't turn out or whatever.
And I usually will postsomething if it doesn't turn out
and be like, oh, it didn't workthis time or whatever, but like
then it's like so, like Ididn't feel like the bounce back
, my personality went like, ohyeah, like it's fine.
(24:25):
I was just kind of like, oh,this is annoying.
And so then it's just like Ijust didn't end up posting and
it's like I'm just trying tolike I don't know, not care,
like literally, just not care.
Like I care, like I don't knowhow to explain that Not care
(24:47):
about what other people think,and just literally, just vibe,
like that's what I'm trying todo.
I think that's like what I wantto do is just like vibe, just
not care.
I had this meeting.
I think it all this all stemsfrom literally.
I was at the beginning of TikTok.
I was having so much fun justposting whatever I wanted and
(25:08):
just having a great time with it.
And then I started havingmeetings with management and I
had this one meeting with thisone manager who just like made
me feel so insignificant and Idon't know, made me feel like I
shouldn't post videos if I knewthey weren't gonna like perform
really well, which it never didbefore.
Like I always just post itbecause I felt like posting.
And I still now try to onlypost because I feel like posting
(25:32):
.
But now it's like I'm trying tobe even strategic with it.
It's like, oh, there's no pointin posting that because I know
it'll underperform in comparisonto anything else.
But then so many people willend up like I might not be shown
to as many people, but thepeople who do follow me will
like it, or who cares Like Ilike it, so I don't know, it can
be like a mental rollercoasterover here.
(25:54):
And then that all ties back intome talking about how, like I
love when I can have like socialtime with people in person.
Like that makes me feel soincluded and it charges me and
it helps me to feel morethriving and in my life as a
whole and it adds balance.
But where, when I'm by myselfall the time and like maybe the
(26:16):
only thing I do outside of thehouse that day is like it
doesn't mean to be outside ofthe house, the only thing I do
that involves interacting withsomeone else, that day is that
isn't Rosie or Trevor, is medropping Ro off at school and
picking her up, and then, byinteracting with someone else,
the only thing I'm doing issaying like hi and bye to her
teachers.
Like that is when it's likeit'll be like a week of that
(26:40):
straight.
And then it's like I don'tthrive well with that, like I've
always worked for smallbusinesses where you work with a
small team of employees, like10 or less, and you all just
like have each other's back andit's social and it's fun.
And even when it's not fun,it's you're still with the peeps
, I don't know.
(27:01):
So I feel like I'm like on thiswhole right now, I'm just like
in the depths of me, just likecontemplating, which always
happens.
I'm telling you, this is like acommon thing that happens like
every month or two.
I'm like I've got to miss beingaround people.
Yeah, how can I make that?
And then I think like how can Imake like I have such a
(27:23):
fortunate opportunity to work soflexibly, which I'm so grateful
for, like literally so gratefulfor?
And then I always try to thinklike how can I make that more of
a community element, like how?
Or more local, like I'm sograteful that for my great reach
, and like worldwide reach, likeinternational reach, like I'm
(27:44):
grateful for that.
But at the same time it's likeokay, how can I add in a local
community element where maybeonce a week there's like we go
for walks or have I don't know,like coffee or a book club or I
don't know something like that,because I just need like things
like that.
That's why Wednesday nightdinner is such a great time for
(28:05):
me, because it's one night aweek where I know that Becca's
coming over and I get to spendtime preparing and making a
video, which is work, awesome,but I feel really happy about it
because then it ends at the endof the day with a social
gathering and that's like thebest of both worlds, so and
that's when it's like amazingand I love it so much.
(28:25):
So it's just about finding thatbalance.
But yeah, anyways, I thought Iwould just like talk by myself
through how I'm feeling rightnow.
I'm sorry if this episode's kindof I don't know I'm actually I
just need to stop like this iswhat I mean.
Like I need to stop looking atthings like through potential
(28:47):
other people's perspectives,because at the end of the day, I
only know my perspective and Iobviously hope that the people
who enter my life and that Ipass know that my heart is in a
good place and that I never meanto offend anyone and that I'm
here to support and love thepeople who are surrounding me
(29:08):
and giving me love and support,but also obviously not Like I'm
here to love on people who needlove as well and don't have a
full cup to share.
But like I need to stop likeperfecting the I don't know,
trying to view myself througheveryone's perspective.
And I've talked about this, Ithink, at the very beginning,
(29:30):
when I like first talked aboutkind of like growing on social
media and like my first viralmoments and whatever, and like I
feel like I talked about that,how I always like was drawn to
social media and would love tolike do that more and enjoyed
sharing and all of that stuffand it would be like a dream job
.
But then I was always likestopped.
I always stopped myself becauseI was afraid of people's
(29:52):
perspectives and I don't likepeople sharing.
Not that I don't like peoplesharing their opinions.
I just don't like when peoplehave opinions of me.
I don't know how to explain it.
But like I also just don't likea lot of the times it's like I
don't want to hear what you wishI could do, or like I don't
know how to explain it.
I feel pressure when peopletell me like, oh, I want you to
(30:13):
do this and this and this.
And then it's like I don't wantto do that, but like is that
what I have to do?
I don't know.
I don't know how to explain it,but always I just hate being
like I'm not someone who's everasked people for their opinion
like that's never been me.
Like I've never put on anoutfit and be like hey, does
this look good?
Or like, what do you thinkwould make this look better?
Like I feel like that's neverbeen me.
It's like I'm just.
(30:34):
It's like I put somethingtogether and I feel great in it.
And it's like I'm gonna rock itand like and I don't care what
other people have to say and Ifeel like that's like.
I know I gave an outfitanecdote there but I feel like
that's me in, like every senseof the way.
Like it's like, it's like a,it's just how I like approach my
life.
It's like, oh, I'm gonna, Ifeel confident in doing it this
(30:56):
way and that's the way I want todo it.
And I mean that's a downfalland a positive like.
It's positive because you staytrue to yourself, but it can be
a downfall, obviously in teamsettings where you need to be
collaborative with other peopleand all that stuff.
Like, and I try to work on that, obviously but yeah, so I just
feel like sometimes it feels, Idon't know, confusing like in my
(31:18):
mind, because it's like abattle of me wanting more
connection, but like I so valueand appreciate my ability to
have this flexibility, theschedule that I have now and
always be able to be readilyavailable for if someone needs
help or if Rose gonna be sick,or to pick up and do something
(31:40):
fun like literally, I'm sograteful and that's why it's
like it's just where I am rightnow, like right now in this time
of my cycle.
I hope some of you can relate,and if you can't, then that's
good.
Anyways, that is what I learnedthis week is that I just need to
I don't know be more focused onwhat.
(32:08):
Just like don't stop caringwhat other people think, and
it's not even like what otherpeople.
Yeah, literally just stopcaring what other people think.
So, yeah, and numbers andmetrics and all that stuff, like
I literally don't care aboutthat stuff.
I never look at it.
The only time I ever look at mymetrics or whatever is when my
management will send me amessage being like hey, if I did
a sponsor post, like, can yousend us your metrics, like sure,
(32:30):
like literally.
I never look at any of thatstuff, except for, obviously I
can see anytime I go on TikTokthat it's like such a drastic
jump when I don't post on howmany followers are loose.
So, yeah, it just feelsstressful.
It's stressful because it'slike I worked hard to gain
people and I do understand.
Anyways, I just need to stopcaring.
Okay, so let's move on into amuch happier topic.
(32:53):
Well, roses, buds and thorns.
But they can be happy insidethere.
Okay, cuties, my rose this week, I think, was just getting to
spend so much lovely time withmy, as I said, hometown friends,
which I never call them thatever, but I'm gonna refer to
(33:13):
them as that now.
I love when I get to spend timewith my besties.
It doesn't happen very often,as life changes and we grow and
we all move and we all have ourown lives and spouses and
children, like everything getsso busy and it just makes me
feel so, so, so, so, so happywhen I get to spend time with
the people who I love the most.
(33:34):
What is my thorn?
Ooh, I feel like just feelinglike I've been battling myself
internally and like I know,after I finish recording this,
I'm gonna feel so much betterfor talking about it, even
though it probably sounded likenonsense, because that's
(33:55):
literally what I've been doingin my head is just going back
and forth, back and forth, backand forth.
And why can it feel sooverwhelming to just have
continuous conversations about,like something you're festering
on in your head, like it canjust be all consuming, and
literally no one around you hasno any idea that that's
happening at that moment?
And that's why, whenever I gofor walks, even just around the
block, and I see other peoplefor walks and we don't touch
(34:19):
base, like maybe I don't knowthem or whatever, we even say hi
, but I always think like Iwonder what they're thinking
about on their walk and because,like, sometimes I'll be on a
walk and I'm just likeinternally imploding.
Other times I'm on a walk andI'm like, wow, the birds are so
beautiful.
And like, yeah, it's just likewild.
But all we are all goingthrough something whether it
positive, negative, whateverevery single day, and if we
(34:41):
don't open up about it, thenlike nobody has any idea what it
is, so it's just interesting.
By the way, that's my thorn isthat I've just been like in a
mode, but I know that I knowit's gonna pass.
This shall to pass, what is my?
But what am I looking forwardto?
(35:02):
I'm trying to think, oh, thisweekend we're gonna go to the
Royal Winter Fair, that'll be sofun, and we're gonna go with
our friends we haven't seen in awhile, so that'll be fun.
And we took real last year withthe same friends and she had so
much fun.
That was her first time and sheloved the horses and cows and
I'm looking for it to honestlylike fair food.
Like you know, give me thatdoll with funnel cake, all that
(35:23):
good stuff.
Like I'm looking forward tothat.
So, yeah, that'll be really,really nice to just have some
good, wholesome, country, fairfun in the middle of downtown
Toronto.
I'm also just looking forwardto doing my laundry and watching
shows tomorrow.
Okay, entertainment recap andstatement recap and statement
(35:48):
recap.
I was and just got stressed.
I was like, oh my gosh, Irealized you don't have my phone
with me and I think it'sdownstairs and I have to go pick
up row.
Like I'm recording thisliterally right before I have to
pick her up.
But we're still good, I'vestill got 10 minutes, okay.
So I have been watching WinterHouse and I just watched the new
episode of Below Deck, mydetranion.
(36:10):
I'm still enjoying boththoroughly.
Of course.
I literally told you alreadythese are my comfort shows.
I'm almost at my book lessons inchemistry.
I have literally one chapterleft.
I woke up this morning so earlyand just was reading.
I almost finished it and then Ilooked at the time I was like I
need to get dressed.
So yeah, I have one chapterleft.
I'm so excited we're gonna readit before bed.
(36:31):
And usually I'm like kind ofsad when a book ends, especially
one that I really enjoy.
But because I have that podcastepisode the red heads didn't
episode on it, I'm so excited tolisten and then I'm gonna watch
the show on Apple TV, so Ican't wait for that.
Other than that, I honestlyhaven't consumed like anything
because I've just been kind ofgo, go, go since I literally
(36:54):
last talked to you.
It's just been a whirlwind of aweek.
And then I also like think,like maybe that's why I'm
feeling like so disconnectedfrom who myself and like in
general is because, one, it'slike that time in the month.
Two, I just had a really busyweek and Trevor was away for a
part of it, and then I am.
I was often I've been off, I'moff my schedule that I normally
(37:17):
have of like getting organizedat the beginning of the week,
and so everything's just kind oflike tomorrow's gonna be such a
new day, you know, like youknow when you just go to bed,
and tomorrow's really gonna besuch a new day.
And I think Trevor's gettingsick and row was just sick like
a week and a half ago andTrevor's getting sick.
So you know, it's coming fromme, babes, it's coming from me,
(37:39):
but that's okay.
Yeah, so that's literally allI've been doing is just like
making pies and I'm like soexhausted and so I'm sorry that
you've had to listen to thisvery exhausted episode from me,
but sometimes cute, that's theenergy I am, because that is who
I am.
I'm, I'm more, I'm a wholesomehuman being with lots of
(38:00):
different sides and lots ofdifferent energy points.
I love you all so much and Iappreciate you being here,
especially if you stuck aroundfor this episode.
I really didn't want to skipthis week and I'm happy that I
was able to squeeze it in today,because I really don't think I
would have been able to do itlater.
I am just ready for bed.
(38:21):
I'm gonna go pick up a row.
I think we're getting pizzatonight.
I think we're gonna get odd bar, which is our like favorite
takeout pizza from here, andwe're gonna get I think it's
called Detroit style.
It's so good.
Basically, it's just like foursliced pizza.
It's giant though like it'sreally filling.
Like a slice is like reallyreally filling, so I usually can
eat like a.
I'm like I'm so hungry I'mgoing for two and I can usually
(38:43):
eat like one and then like acouple bites at the second one
and I'm like, oh, I wish I juststuck to the one and save then
the other full one for tomorrow.
But anyways, it's like a squarepizza that's like kind of pan
fried style, like it's got likethe really crispy crust, so like
there's obviously oil put intothe pan and then it has cheese
(39:04):
and sesame seeds and then thesauce is like spooned on top of
like the cheesy part and it'sjust so good and I don't know if
the sauce is baked with thesauce on or if they spoon the
sauce on after the fact.
I'm not sure about the cookingprocess, but either way it's so
good.
Oh, I just got a text from afriend who I have literally been
(39:24):
missing so much.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, we're gonna see eachother next week.
Oh, cutie, see, this is myreminder for you, cutes.
When you are feeling okay, I'mgetting so many texts from her,
sorry, but when you are feelingleft, not left out, I'm not, I'm
not feeling left out, that'snot what I'm trying to say.
(39:46):
When you were feeling disconnect, especially from yourself, like
reach out to those people inyour life, especially when it's
like you're having those lonelymoments, or you feel just like
I'm, like craving something,whatever it is you're craving,
like put in the effort to makeit happen and so, and and that's
the best thing you can do likeactionable steps are so good.
Talking about how you'refeeling instead of festering,
(40:06):
and actionable steps to make itbetter or go in the direction
that you would like to move arethe things that can really
really help you.
Okay, I love you all so much.
Cuties, I'm excited to read mychapter tonight.
Go to sleep and wake up feelingrefreshed and doing laundry.
Ah, okay, you're all the best.
You rock my world, literallylike the podcast.
(40:29):
Peeps are so incredible, soincredible.
You know me and I wish I allknew you so much better.
We got to get to know eachother even better.
Okay, love, love, love you.
Hey everyone, you're listening to 5 Years Time with
your host, grace Black.
Hey, cuties, grace, here I'mjust grabbing out a blanket
(00:26):
because, guess what, it's thattime of year again where I need
to podcast with my blankie,because I'm a little chilly.
Also, my voice is kind of weakbecause I had a wonderful
weekend and I think I about avery busy beginning of the week.
As I yawn right now because Ihave just been kind of go, go,
(00:48):
go until now, I kind of can slowdown now, but I gotta fit in
the podcast.
So here we are, cutes, and I'mexcited to catch you up on
everything.
So let's start from the top.
Last week was really fun.
I told you I had an excitingweek ahead of me and it was
(01:09):
something so fun.
I think it was last weekHalloween, like I think it was.
Yeah, oh my gosh, it's been awhirlwind.
There's so much to catch you upon.
Oh my gosh.
Okay, I'm so confused becauseit's November 8th and it's like
what, where did the end ofOctober go?
But, yes, okay, I remember, Iremember.
So where I left you off wasHalloween, which is when I was
(01:34):
recording.
But anyways, wednesday night wedrove to Oakville to take
trouble to his parents and wehad dinner there and me and Ro
did a bit of trick-or-treating,which was so fun and she was so
excited because normally wealways do the trick-or-treating
on the weekend before becauseour community does like a little
(01:55):
parade type thing.
So she hasn't actually gone onHalloween and I forgot I was
taking trouble to his parents onHalloween.
So I had thought like, oh,maybe I'll take her around the
neighborhood like that's likeclose by if we're up to it, and
for a little trick-or-treat.
But that worked out perfect,because we just did his
neighborhood and she just saidshe was like we went to one
(02:19):
house and she was like this isso exciting that she went to
another house and she's like ohmy gosh, mommy, weird
trick-or-treating again.
I got to go twice.
This is the best thing ever.
It was so cute.
But the reason that we went isbecause Trevor had a business
trip that he had to get on aplane for first thing in the
morning on Thursday, and so itwas just easier for him to leave
(02:39):
from there than to have tofigure out how to get to the
airport from here in the middleof the night.
So that worked out really,really well and so then Trevor
was away for a really quick tripjust three days and so me and
Ro had a girls week for theremainder of the week and we
really just I think we just likehung out, walked outside, hung
(03:03):
the Christmas every day.
There was more little Christmasbits and bobs up.
I still haven't fully Christmaseyes, but I did.
I'm happy I actually hung theChristmas lights, because now
it's like I feel so dark all thetime and it's been cooler, so
I'm happy.
I did it on a sunny day andthen on Friday I had to go to
(03:25):
church.
Oh, I forgot to tell you I wentto Costco QTS before I went to
Costco for the first time inliterally six months and I got
so much stuff and we're likestocked up on snacks for the
next probably month or so, whichis awesome.
So when I do my weekly groceryshop I'll really just have to
get.
We actually have a bunch ofproduce that are like long
lasting in the fridge, likeveggies and stuff, so I really
(03:48):
only will have to buy proteinfor the next while.
So that's awesome.
And dairy, obviously, becauseRo and Trevor are milk fiends,
but yeah.
So I had a great trip to Costcobecause we needed to get
everything.
The whole reason we went toCostco was because I needed to
go with my mom to get all thestuff, supplies for meat pies to
make for our winter fundraiser.
(04:09):
We did meat pies at church inthe spring for the first time,
me and mom.
They'd done them years before,but not since COVID.
So we took it on and we had agreat time and it was I don't
want to say easy enough, like itis a lot of work, but like it
was, like it wasn't, like it wasfun.
We had a fun time doing it.
So we're doing it for theirwinter festival of some sort
(04:33):
fair, I don't remember what it'scalled.
I'm not going to it because wealready have plans that weekend,
but anyway.
So we need to get all thesupplies for that because fast
forward to this week we weregoing to be making meat pies.
But so that was really fun.
We had a good time at Costco.
And then on Friday we alsoneeded to set up for another
(04:56):
thing that was going on atchurch.
So we went to set up for ourpotluck, because we have our
like annual fall potluck whereeveryone gets together and
obviously brings food and hasdinner together, and so we had
everything set up because thatwas going to be Saturday and
then I picked up row early fromschool because I had to go get
Trev from the airport.
So I dropped row off at mymom's for a sleepover and then I
(05:17):
went to pick up Trevor from theairport and we had it back to
his parents to stay there forthe night, because it was my
best friend's 30th birthday andthat's our last of our 30
friends to turn 30.
So let's just say, oh my gosh,only for him what?
I Drink tequila straight.
I used to love tequila.
(05:37):
That was like my favorite thingever, like when I was in
college, especially like I lovedit.
And then I remember we went toa bar for one of Trevor's
friends birthdays and it waslike a dive bar that we love,
but we got shots of tequila.
Never do that at a bar whereit's like, oh, the tequila was
so horrible.
I literally haven't taken astraight shot of tequila since
(06:00):
then.
I think there was one othertime I did and it just like at
the second I took it I was likeI just want to go home, like I
didn't feel well.
So I now never take shots oftequila.
I really actually never takeshots of straight any liquor.
I'll always mix or havesomething like a Swedish barrier
or whatever, because I justnever feels good.
But so my bestie Akbar is wholething, like his whole love,
(06:23):
that's his thing is tequila likehe loves all tequila, he likes
it all.
He likes to smoke, he's likethe normal stuff, whatever.
So I actually chose tequilabased drinks for that evening,
like the coolers that I broughtwith me, because I was like I
feel to be tequila.
And then we were actually therejust like a few months ago for
(06:44):
his fiance's birthday, my otherbestie and they were trying to
get everyone to do tequila shotsand I was like super strong and
like nope, I'm not going to,but for some reason I got sucked
into the tequila shots and likeso many of them.
So anyways, yeah, I had areally fun night, I think, and
Honestly I wasn't too bad.
The next morning I woke up and Iwas just like, yeah, I don't
(07:08):
feel well, but that was thefirst time we haven't had row in
the morning in a long time.
Like I actually can't rememberthe last time that, because
normally, like recently, a lotof the time when we've had a
night away from her, we reallyhaven't, because we've stayed at
his parents, and then shestayed at her parents like I
can't remember the last time shestayed at my mom's.
It's been a while.
(07:30):
So, anyways, that was like thefirst time we actually just like
had a kid-free, kid-freemorning.
So that was lovely and I wokeup and hydrated and then had a
really relaxing Morning in bedand Trevor would have stayed in
bed forever.
He also had just come home fromSan Francisco.
So he was just like exhaustedbut and also he was the TD the
(07:52):
night before, but he stayed uplate.
But then the night the nightbefore that, when he was at his
like conference and stuff, Ithink he had a fun time and they
were like having parties andstuff.
So anyways, he was exhaustedand I just needed fresh air.
Like that's my thing is, I justneed to go for a walk,
especially if it's like a briskmorning, which exactly is what
it was.
So I just kept convincingTrevor.
I was like let's go for a walk,let's go get coffee.
(08:12):
Eventually he was like okay,fine, so we got out or bed
around like nine or ten, I don'tremember, and we walked over
and got some coffee and it wasexactly what I needed and,
honestly, I was just tired therest of the day like really
tired, but I felt fine.
So that was good, good, good,good.
And I won't have to be in thatposition again until Akbar turns
(08:32):
40, I guess, but it was reallyfun.
It was fun to see my friends andthen that evening we had our
potluck at church, so we went tothat and I made meatballs and
garlic bread and we enjoyed thattime together with congregation
and, honestly, at the beginningI was fine and then, like
(08:53):
around dessert course, I waslike I am so tired, someone just
take me home.
But we also like help plan, sowe need to like set up and clean
up and all that stuff.
But I eventually got to go hometo my bed and then that was
Saturday, and then Sunday I wasback to Toronto because my other
best friend is getting marriednext year and so we were doing
(09:13):
her wedding dress shopping andour bridesmaid dress shopping
and we actually had such asuccessful day.
I think everyone found theirdresses, which is amazing, and
it was nice to spend time withthe bridal party and I'm so
Excited.
I also just like love when Iget to spend time with, like my
hometown friends.
Like it was so fun, that wassuch a perfect weekend of of
(09:34):
Celebrating with people that Ilove and it just makes me so
grateful for the friends that Ihave and I'm able to like keep
in my life, no matter like where, the chapters that were all in
and different lives and you knowAll the, all the different
seasons and stuff.
So that was really good.
But then when I got home it waslike Seven o'clock, oh, and we
(09:56):
also got an extra hour on Sunday, so that was good.
But when I got home it was likeseven o'clock, which I mean
isn't like so late, but it waspitch black from earlier on in
the day, but I was just so tiredand then Monday morning first
thing woke up and it was pietime.
So it is.
I'm recording today on Tuesday Iliterally just got home from
finishing our 300 meat pies.
(10:17):
We made half turkey, half beefand they turned out fabulous.
Well, I don't know how I needthem yet, but like I actually
just recently ate the ones fromthe strawberry festival that we
made in the spring because I hadthem in my freezer and they're
so good.
But yeah, that was really busy.
Today was a pretty easy Day incomparison to yesterday,
yesterday was just like a longday.
(10:38):
It was just me and my mommaking all the fillings so that
today we were all prepped forwhen we had the ladies come in
so that we could stuff all thepies and have an efficient line.
So, yeah, I'm just like so tired.
Like I had energy yesterdaymorning and then last night I
was exhausted.
And then this morning Bro wokeme up at like 5 20 and I was
just like I am so tired.
(10:58):
And then I knew we had to goback to church and I was like,
okay, just get through thisgrace.
And then I was like I gottarecord the podcast.
Hopefully I get home in time torecord before I have to go pick
up a row, because I reallydon't think I'll get around to
it If I have to wait till afterI put her to sleep because,
knowing me, I will pass out withher already.
Right now I feel like I couldpass out.
But yeah, we got everythingdone and it was so funny.
(11:22):
I feel like we already sold somany pies before we even Um, I
was even able to get them intoall into the freezer, because
there were so many people thatknew that we were making the
pies or it come to help out andthey were just like, oh, I need
to buy mine, I need to buy mine,but yeah, so that was fun.
And again, it's so nice to bewith people in person and I
always feel this like pull in myheart To like I don't know,
(11:45):
like I always am so up and down,like I love to be around people
.
I'm such an extrovert,introvert.
Like I love to be around people, I love to be energized.
Quality time is definitely mylike love language.
Like I really appreciate, um,the time with people, but then I
also just love being by myselfand like it's so I don't want to
say it's so hard to find a finebalance.
(12:07):
Like I'm always grateful whensocial opportunities come up
because, honestly, with like nowworking for myself, I like,
literally, if I didn't havesocial opportunities arise, like
I would never see people and Ialso live so far not so far but
like Inconveniently, I don'thave any convenient I I don't
like saying convenientfriendships because I don't
(12:28):
think like that.
I'm not trying to define afriendship as like convenience,
but I don't have any friendsthat live close by really, um,
to just like call on and be like, hey, let's go for a walk, like
, or do you want to grab acoffee, or do you want to just
cut?
I wish I had that like, do youjust want to come over, um, for
dinner?
Or like, just come in a rose,gone to bed, like, just come
over and hang out like the dream, like literally the dream.
(12:51):
I'm not giving up on that dream, but so I am always grateful
when social activities arise andI always try and like seize the
day in that way, um, because Ican and I'm grateful for this
have lots of like downtime or tomyself time, which is great
because it gives me so muchflexibility and recovery, and
(13:13):
like charging my social batteryand all that.
And I am such like a homebodyin that sense and I do love to
have my alone time.
But yeah, anyways, I, I it'shard to like, I don't know, like
it's so weird, I, I just feellike I'm always Not even the
grass is always greener.
I just feel like Sometimes Ican feel so lonely in the midst
(13:36):
of being social and thensometimes, when I'm like so
social, it's like, oh, I justfeel so overwhelmed.
I don't even know how toexplain it.
But anyways, that's how my weekwas.
It was really wonderful.
And I need to do laundry so badbecause I, feeling me in row,
have no socks or underwear.
So tomorrow is gonna be laundryand shows, and it's also
(14:00):
Wednesday.
Tomorrow I need to text backand see if she's coming over for
dinner for Wednesday nightdinner and if she is, I need to
think of something.
Or I have to ask her what shewants, but like I don't know if
I'm gonna be able to give it myfull Wednesday night dinner
hurrah, depending on what it is,because I've just given that to
two days of pie making.
But we'll see.
(14:20):
We'll see.
Maybe she wants pies because Ihave some in my freezer.
We'll see, honestly, but yeah,so that's how my week was.
Sorry, again, my throat is alittle shot.
I've just been busy and thathappens.
So next up, we've got our snackand drink of the week.
Again, I didn't make my drinkfor this episode because I'm
(14:42):
filming in the afternoon andwhen I film, when I have to
squish you guys in, which I hatedoing.
I love when I can like devoteproper time to you, which I am,
but like I just go for the waterin my favorite cup.
But my actual drink of the weekhas been a flat white.
I'm obsessed with that white tohave come in getting Trevor to
(15:03):
make them for me.
We actually ran out of beanstwo days ago so I had tea
yesterday morning which I have,this tea that I love so much.
It's called Peary tea and it'sso good by Bengal Hill and it
also really helps with like thistime of year with colds and
stuff like that, and I find likewhenever I'm feeling like horse
in my throat, like it's reallynice, but anyways.
(15:23):
So I got Tim Hortons yesterdayhalfway through the day because
I was like I need to pick me up,and then today I was, I dropped
row off and I was like if Idon't get a coffee in me, I'm
not gonna make it through thisday, and so I just grabbed a
quick coffee at 416, which I got, a flat white, and I just love,
love, love, love a flat white.
I think that's my like go-to.
(15:44):
I used to be such a latte girland then flat white started like
populating more and now if I amgonna get something I usually
go for the flat white, whichlike, I'm pretty sure, the only
difference between a flat weight.
I'm sure there's more than onedifference.
I'm not a brady stuff is thatthe.
I'm sure there's a differencein like whatever the amount of
milk to coffee ratio as aespresso, but I know that the
(16:06):
milk is like a higher fatpercentage.
I'm pretty sure it's like amilk cream or whatever, I don't
know, but it's so good and socreamy and smooth.
And then my snack of the weekhas been a toast with two fried
eggs and some flaky salt on top.
I'm just like absolutely livingfor it.
It takes five seconds to makeand I ate that.
I came home today, shove thaton the stove and just like scarf
(16:29):
that down right now andhonestly, it gave me such a good
energy boost.
So, yeah, that's been myfavorite snack.
Sometimes I'll do one egg, butusually two fried eggs on a
piece of toast like a nice pieceof like sourdough or rye bread.
I'm a rye toast girly.
I did get sourdough this time,like the pre.
I love a sourdough if it's likea fresh loaf from the bakery,
(16:51):
but not necessarily it's myfavorite for this life spread.
If it's a slice bread.
I will always go for a rye andI like any rye marble rye, malt
rye, all the rise like it can beany color rye seed rise, like I
just love rye.
Also now saying that I have noidea how to make rye bread.
I gotta look that up becausemaybe I should try making a rye
loaf one time, and I don't thinkI've ever bought like a fresh
(17:12):
rye loaf of bread before,because I'm thinking, like the
bakeries I go to I never see it.
Okay, now I need to look up allabout the rye breads, but that
is my snack and drink of theweek, so let's get into.
This week I learned okay cute, Ikind of spoke on this already
(17:35):
but this week I learned that Ineed to recenter my contentness
within myself, and I'm by.
I already spoke on this.
It kind of had to do with likeloneliness or feeling like I
don't know, like I don't haveenough time to do what I want to
do.
But then when I do have toomuch time, then I don't know
(17:55):
what I want to do.
So then I feel like I'm notwasting time, but like I don't
know, and not FOMO, it's notmissing out, I don't know how to
explain it.
Like sometimes I just feel likeI don't know what I want.
I think that's what it is.
I don't know.
I think that's the episodetitle, I don't know, but like
(18:16):
recently, I'm also on my period,which we all know, that I told
you last week I thought I wasgetting it and I did.
And that's always the time ofthe month where I just feel like
I wanna like delete my lifefrom social media.
And I felt like that beforeeven social media became a job.
But like it's like 10 timesworse when it is your job,
because I don't know not worse,like worse for me feeling, like
(18:38):
the feeling inside of me is likeoh my gosh, like I just wanna
like what is the point?
And like it's this repetitivething every day you have to
share.
But then when I love sharing, Ilove sharing it.
Like I love when I get to shareand I feel happy about it.
But if there's a feel of force,like a feel of like I don't
have anything to say to there, Idon't wanna say anything, or I
(18:59):
don't even wanna go on the app,like why do I have to?
But then it's like why do Ihave to?
And that's, I think, what I'mtrying to figure out.
Like I think there's people whowork in social media who like
always post so many times a dayand they're rigid and they stick
to their schedule even whenthey don't want to, and they
like they take that seriousroute of being like if I'm in it
(19:23):
to win it, then I gotta do itnow and like I think there was a
time that I felt like that, butthen anytime it felt forced, I
really wasn't having fun.
Or then people would startcalling me out or people put
their perceptions on me, likethey'd comment and be like oh,
you seem off today and maybethey're saying it from a nice
place, maybe they're not, Idon't know.
But I just hate when people arelike you don't seem like
(19:46):
yourself, like I miss when youused to be like this or this or
that.
I just hate those comments.
Like I hate the comments wherepeople are like I miss this, I
don't know what it is Like andI'm trying to think of like
myself commenting on people'sstuff.
But like, whenever even just onecomment I could get, especially
on my like Wednesday nightvlogs, I feel like a lot of
people are loving the Wednesdaynight dinner series and I'm
(20:06):
loving it because it's a timewhen I really just get to cook
and I'm not teaching, I don'thave to talk to the camera and I
can just like really be withthe food and like I'm loving it,
because I felt like for a yearstraight I never just was like
with the food, I was justtalking, talking, talking,
teaching, teaching, teachingwhich is awesome.
I love teaching when I havethings to teach, but at the same
(20:27):
time I also need time to justbe with the food and with where
Ro is at her in her life.
Right now I don't have as muchLike I do have more freedom in
some aspect, but like duringdinner time and stuff like that
she's wanting to be, like she'sneeding me more and I'm so happy
to be there for her.
So it's just one of thosethings where it's like I just
(20:49):
don't have as much freedom as Iused to cooking time wise,
because she doesn't take thesame naps she does, and also
like I don't like wasting foodand I don't want to cook when
it's not a meal time, if thatmakes sense.
Like I want to have a nice mealall together as a family, or I
don't want to cook just to cook,like, and then have too much
(21:11):
food left over at the end of theweek.
So it's a fine balance and likeI'm not coming on here to try
and be complaining or anything.
I am so appreciative, like Ipromise you I am, but like it's
just been like this internalpull on my heart this past week
and 100% it's because of likewhere I am chemically balanced
right now.
Totally, I get where my cycle is, but at the same time, I always
(21:31):
tell you, talk about how youfeel.
It makes you feel so muchbetter and it's so true it does.
And that's why I'm here to talkabout how I feel.
And if you feel like you don'twant to be the earfruit to
listen to that or it's toowhiney or I'm really sorry.
I just like, when I wasthinking about what I was going
to talk about this week, I justkept like circling the bush, I
(21:52):
like had a few things and I waslike just kept coming back to
this feeling and like recently,like I feel like I've really
been loving Instagram as a placeto share.
It just feels so much lesspressure.
Like because TikTok, likeliterally, if I don't post, I
lose like a hundred followers aday.
(22:14):
Like if, for every day I don'tpost, it's like 5,200 followers
every day that I lose, andthat's like a weird feeling and
I'm trying to like not even givespace or energy to that number
of those people.
Because one, if it's peoplethat are like I'm showing up on
their For you page and they'relike why do I follow you there?
I'm following me, great.
Like, do that please.
Because I don't want, likeprotect my energy, right, like I
(22:34):
don't want people on my page.
You don't want to be there.
You protect your energy, Iprotect mine.
But then also I think it's partof just like TikTok's algorithm
.
Like they just delete peoplerandomly.
Like I get comments all the timebeing like I haven't seen you
in so long, oh my gosh, I didn'teven realize I wasn't following
you, or I was trying to findyou and I couldn't find you, or
whatever.
So like I just feel like TikTokhas this like thing where they
really want you to be like withthem 24, seven, like go, go, go,
(22:57):
post, post, post.
But I can't be that person.
And then also then I feel likemaybe I'm putting too much
pressure on myself to createlike a more complex video where
maybe I could just be like chilland like I kind of miss just
eating with you guys and stufflike that.
But then when I do those videosthen I don't know, I just feel
too much pressure sometimes thatI like have to stay to stick to
(23:21):
a genre or I'm letting peopledown, or, if I'm not doing this,
or people start following meafter the facts, they're like
why are you doing that now?
But my point here being is thatI just need to like stop
thinking about other people andthink about myself, like, which
sounds selfish.
But also we have to be selfishin our lives, right?
(23:41):
Because, like, at the end ofthe day, it's my channel, my
content, and if I'm likeliterally having a mental battle
every day, like being like, oh,I have to post, and then, like
I have filmed so many videosthis past week and just like
didn't post any of them becauseI, by the end of it, I just felt
like crap, like literally I was, I was like I'd like finally
(24:03):
pull myself into a mood like,okay, let's film, and then I
film and I'd be excited about it, and then something.
And then all of a sudden, Idon't know, maybe like I just
didn't feel as peppy or itdidn't turn out or whatever.
And I usually will postsomething if it doesn't turn out
and be like, oh, it didn't workthis time or whatever, but like
then it's like so, like Ididn't feel like the bounce back
, my personality went like, ohyeah, like it's fine.
(24:25):
I was just kind of like, oh,this is annoying.
And so then it's just like Ijust didn't end up posting and
it's like I'm just trying tolike I don't know, not care,
like literally, just not care.
Like I care, like I don't knowhow to explain that Not care
(24:47):
about what other people think,and just literally, just vibe,
like that's what I'm trying todo.
I think that's like what I wantto do is just like vibe, just
not care.
I had this meeting.
I think it all this all stemsfrom literally.
I was at the beginning of TikTok.
I was having so much fun justposting whatever I wanted and
(25:08):
just having a great time with it.
And then I started havingmeetings with management and I
had this one meeting with thisone manager who just like made
me feel so insignificant and Idon't know, made me feel like I
shouldn't post videos if I knewthey weren't gonna like perform
really well, which it never didbefore.
Like I always just post itbecause I felt like posting.
And I still now try to onlypost because I feel like posting
(25:32):
.
But now it's like I'm trying tobe even strategic with it.
It's like, oh, there's no pointin posting that because I know
it'll underperform in comparisonto anything else.
But then so many people willend up like I might not be shown
to as many people, but thepeople who do follow me will
like it, or who cares Like Ilike it, so I don't know, it can
be like a mental rollercoasterover here.
(25:54):
And then that all ties back intome talking about how, like I
love when I can have like socialtime with people in person.
Like that makes me feel soincluded and it charges me and
it helps me to feel morethriving and in my life as a
whole and it adds balance.
But where, when I'm by myselfall the time and like maybe the
(26:16):
only thing I do outside of thehouse that day is like it
doesn't mean to be outside ofthe house, the only thing I do
that involves interacting withsomeone else, that day is that
isn't Rosie or Trevor, is medropping Ro off at school and
picking her up, and then, byinteracting with someone else,
the only thing I'm doing issaying like hi and bye to her
teachers.
Like that is when it's likeit'll be like a week of that
(26:40):
straight.
And then it's like I don'tthrive well with that, like I've
always worked for smallbusinesses where you work with a
small team of employees, like10 or less, and you all just
like have each other's back andit's social and it's fun.
And even when it's not fun,it's you're still with the peeps
, I don't know.
(27:01):
So I feel like I'm like on thiswhole right now, I'm just like
in the depths of me, just likecontemplating, which always
happens.
I'm telling you, this is like acommon thing that happens like
every month or two.
I'm like I've got to miss beingaround people.
Yeah, how can I make that?
And then I think like how can Imake like I have such a
(27:23):
fortunate opportunity to work soflexibly, which I'm so grateful
for, like literally so gratefulfor?
And then I always try to thinklike how can I make that more of
a community element, like how?
Or more local, like I'm sograteful that for my great reach
, and like worldwide reach, likeinternational reach, like I'm
(27:44):
grateful for that.
But at the same time it's likeokay, how can I add in a local
community element where maybeonce a week there's like we go
for walks or have I don't know,like coffee or a book club or I
don't know something like that,because I just need like things
like that.
That's why Wednesday nightdinner is such a great time for
(28:05):
me, because it's one night aweek where I know that Becca's
coming over and I get to spendtime preparing and making a
video, which is work, awesome,but I feel really happy about it
because then it ends at the endof the day with a social
gathering and that's like thebest of both worlds, so and
that's when it's like amazingand I love it so much.
(28:25):
So it's just about finding thatbalance.
But yeah, anyways, I thought Iwould just like talk by myself
through how I'm feeling rightnow.
I'm sorry if this episode's kindof I don't know I'm actually I
just need to stop like this iswhat I mean.
Like I need to stop looking atthings like through potential
(28:47):
other people's perspectives,because at the end of the day, I
only know my perspective and Iobviously hope that the people
who enter my life and that Ipass know that my heart is in a
good place and that I never meanto offend anyone and that I'm
here to support and love thepeople who are surrounding me
(29:08):
and giving me love and support,but also obviously not Like I'm
here to love on people who needlove as well and don't have a
full cup to share.
But like I need to stop likeperfecting the I don't know,
trying to view myself througheveryone's perspective.
And I've talked about this, Ithink, at the very beginning,
(29:30):
when I like first talked aboutkind of like growing on social
media and like my first viralmoments and whatever, and like I
feel like I talked about that,how I always like was drawn to
social media and would love tolike do that more and enjoyed
sharing and all of that stuffand it would be like a dream job
.
But then I was always likestopped.
I always stopped myself becauseI was afraid of people's
(29:52):
perspectives and I don't likepeople sharing.
Not that I don't like peoplesharing their opinions.
I just don't like when peoplehave opinions of me.
I don't know how to explain it.
But like I also just don't likea lot of the times it's like I
don't want to hear what you wishI could do, or like I don't
know how to explain it.
I feel pressure when peopletell me like, oh, I want you to
(30:13):
do this and this and this.
And then it's like I don't wantto do that, but like is that
what I have to do?
I don't know.
I don't know how to explain it,but always I just hate being
like I'm not someone who's everasked people for their opinion
like that's never been me.
Like I've never put on anoutfit and be like hey, does
this look good?
Or like, what do you thinkwould make this look better?
Like I feel like that's neverbeen me.
It's like I'm just.
(30:34):
It's like I put somethingtogether and I feel great in it.
And it's like I'm gonna rock itand like and I don't care what
other people have to say and Ifeel like that's like.
I know I gave an outfitanecdote there but I feel like
that's me in, like every senseof the way.
Like it's like, it's like a,it's just how I like approach my
life.
It's like, oh, I'm gonna, Ifeel confident in doing it this
(30:56):
way and that's the way I want todo it.
And I mean that's a downfalland a positive like.
It's positive because you staytrue to yourself, but it can be
a downfall, obviously in teamsettings where you need to be
collaborative with other peopleand all that stuff.
Like, and I try to work on that, obviously but yeah, so I just
feel like sometimes it feels, Idon't know, confusing like in my
(31:18):
mind, because it's like abattle of me wanting more
connection, but like I so valueand appreciate my ability to
have this flexibility, theschedule that I have now and
always be able to be readilyavailable for if someone needs
help or if Rose gonna be sick,or to pick up and do something
(31:40):
fun like literally, I'm sograteful and that's why it's
like it's just where I am rightnow, like right now in this time
of my cycle.
I hope some of you can relate,and if you can't, then that's
good.
Anyways, that is what I learnedthis week is that I just need to
I don't know be more focused onwhat.
(32:08):
Just like don't stop caringwhat other people think, and
it's not even like what otherpeople.
Yeah, literally just stopcaring what other people think.
So, yeah, and numbers andmetrics and all that stuff, like
I literally don't care aboutthat stuff.
I never look at it.
The only time I ever look at mymetrics or whatever is when my
management will send me amessage being like hey, if I did
a sponsor post, like, can yousend us your metrics, like sure,
(32:30):
like literally.
I never look at any of thatstuff, except for, obviously I
can see anytime I go on TikTokthat it's like such a drastic
jump when I don't post on howmany followers are loose.
So, yeah, it just feelsstressful.
It's stressful because it'slike I worked hard to gain
people and I do understand.
Anyways, I just need to stopcaring.
Okay, so let's move on into amuch happier topic.
(32:53):
Well, roses, buds and thorns.
But they can be happy insidethere.
Okay, cuties, my rose this week, I think, was just getting to
spend so much lovely time withmy, as I said, hometown friends,
which I never call them thatever, but I'm gonna refer to
(33:13):
them as that now.
I love when I get to spend timewith my besties.
It doesn't happen very often,as life changes and we grow and
we all move and we all have ourown lives and spouses and
children, like everything getsso busy and it just makes me
feel so, so, so, so, so happywhen I get to spend time with
the people who I love the most.
(33:34):
What is my thorn?
Ooh, I feel like just feelinglike I've been battling myself
internally and like I know,after I finish recording this,
I'm gonna feel so much betterfor talking about it, even
though it probably sounded likenonsense, because that's
(33:55):
literally what I've been doingin my head is just going back
and forth, back and forth, backand forth.
And why can it feel sooverwhelming to just have
continuous conversations about,like something you're festering
on in your head, like it canjust be all consuming, and
literally no one around you hasno any idea that that's
happening at that moment?
And that's why, whenever I gofor walks, even just around the
block, and I see other peoplefor walks and we don't touch
(34:19):
base, like maybe I don't knowthem or whatever, we even say hi
, but I always think like Iwonder what they're thinking
about on their walk and because,like, sometimes I'll be on a
walk and I'm just likeinternally imploding.
Other times I'm on a walk andI'm like, wow, the birds are so
beautiful.
And like, yeah, it's just likewild.
But all we are all goingthrough something whether it
positive, negative, whateverevery single day, and if we
(34:41):
don't open up about it, thenlike nobody has any idea what it
is, so it's just interesting.
By the way, that's my thorn isthat I've just been like in a
mode, but I know that I knowit's gonna pass.
This shall to pass, what is my?
But what am I looking forwardto?
(35:02):
I'm trying to think, oh, thisweekend we're gonna go to the
Royal Winter Fair, that'll be sofun, and we're gonna go with
our friends we haven't seen in awhile, so that'll be fun.
And we took real last year withthe same friends and she had so
much fun.
That was her first time and sheloved the horses and cows and
I'm looking for it to honestlylike fair food.
Like you know, give me thatdoll with funnel cake, all that
(35:23):
good stuff.
Like I'm looking forward tothat.
So, yeah, that'll be really,really nice to just have some
good, wholesome, country, fairfun in the middle of downtown
Toronto.
I'm also just looking forwardto doing my laundry and watching
shows tomorrow.
Okay, entertainment recap andstatement recap and statement
(35:48):
recap.
I was and just got stressed.
I was like, oh my gosh, Irealized you don't have my phone
with me and I think it'sdownstairs and I have to go pick
up row.
Like I'm recording thisliterally right before I have to
pick her up.
But we're still good, I'vestill got 10 minutes, okay.
So I have been watching WinterHouse and I just watched the new
episode of Below Deck, mydetranion.
(36:10):
I'm still enjoying boththoroughly.
Of course.
I literally told you alreadythese are my comfort shows.
I'm almost at my book lessons inchemistry.
I have literally one chapterleft.
I woke up this morning so earlyand just was reading.
I almost finished it and then Ilooked at the time I was like I
need to get dressed.
So yeah, I have one chapterleft.
I'm so excited we're gonna readit before bed.
(36:31):
And usually I'm like kind ofsad when a book ends, especially
one that I really enjoy.
But because I have that podcastepisode the red heads didn't
episode on it, I'm so excited tolisten and then I'm gonna watch
the show on Apple TV, so Ican't wait for that.
Other than that, I honestlyhaven't consumed like anything
because I've just been kind ofgo, go, go since I literally
(36:54):
last talked to you.
It's just been a whirlwind of aweek.
And then I also like think,like maybe that's why I'm
feeling like so disconnectedfrom who myself and like in
general is because, one, it'slike that time in the month.
Two, I just had a really busyweek and Trevor was away for a
part of it, and then I am.
I was often I've been off, I'moff my schedule that I normally
(37:17):
have of like getting organizedat the beginning of the week,
and so everything's just kind oflike tomorrow's gonna be such a
new day, you know, like youknow when you just go to bed,
and tomorrow's really gonna besuch a new day.
And I think Trevor's gettingsick and row was just sick like
a week and a half ago andTrevor's getting sick.
So you know, it's coming fromme, babes, it's coming from me,
(37:39):
but that's okay.
Yeah, so that's literally allI've been doing is just like
making pies and I'm like soexhausted and so I'm sorry that
you've had to listen to thisvery exhausted episode from me,
but sometimes cute, that's theenergy I am, because that is who
I am.
I'm, I'm more, I'm a wholesomehuman being with lots of
(38:00):
different sides and lots ofdifferent energy points.
I love you all so much and Iappreciate you being here,
especially if you stuck aroundfor this episode.
I really didn't want to skipthis week and I'm happy that I
was able to squeeze it in today,because I really don't think I
would have been able to do itlater.
I am just ready for bed.
(38:21):
I'm gonna go pick up a row.
I think we're getting pizzatonight.
I think we're gonna get odd bar, which is our like favorite
takeout pizza from here, andwe're gonna get I think it's
called Detroit style.
It's so good.
Basically, it's just like foursliced pizza.
It's giant though like it'sreally filling.
Like a slice is like reallyreally filling, so I usually can
eat like a.
I'm like I'm so hungry I'mgoing for two and I can usually
(38:43):
eat like one and then like acouple bites at the second one
and I'm like, oh, I wish I juststuck to the one and save then
the other full one for tomorrow.
But anyways, it's like a squarepizza that's like kind of pan
fried style, like it's got likethe really crispy crust, so like
there's obviously oil put intothe pan and then it has cheese
(39:04):
and sesame seeds and then thesauce is like spooned on top of
like the cheesy part and it'sjust so good and I don't know if
the sauce is baked with thesauce on or if they spoon the
sauce on after the fact.
I'm not sure about the cookingprocess, but either way it's so
good.
Oh, I just got a text from afriend who I have literally been
(39:24):
missing so much.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, we're gonna see eachother next week.
Oh, cutie, see, this is myreminder for you, cutes.
When you are feeling okay, I'mgetting so many texts from her,
sorry, but when you are feelingleft, not left out, I'm not, I'm
not feeling left out, that'snot what I'm trying to say.
(39:46):
When you were feeling disconnect, especially from yourself, like
reach out to those people inyour life, especially when it's
like you're having those lonelymoments, or you feel just like
I'm, like craving something,whatever it is you're craving,
like put in the effort to makeit happen and so, and and that's
the best thing you can do likeactionable steps are so good.
Talking about how you'refeeling instead of festering,
(40:06):
and actionable steps to make itbetter or go in the direction
that you would like to move arethe things that can really
really help you.
Okay, I love you all so much.
Cuties, I'm excited to read mychapter tonight.
Go to sleep and wake up feelingrefreshed and doing laundry.
Ah, okay, you're all the best.
You rock my world, literallylike the podcast.
(40:29):
Peeps are so incredible, soincredible.
You know me and I wish I allknew you so much better.
We got to get to know eachother even better.
Okay, love, love, love you.
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