EP 11: We're All Figuring It Out Together, One Shxtty Mom Moment At A Time

In this deeply personal episode, Dr. Lori steps away from her usual interviewer role to share the story behind "For Shitty Moms" and her own journey through motherhood. As a behavior analyst with a doctorate in applied behavior analysis, she reveals how her professional expertise intersects with her parenting challenges, particularly as she navigates raising a confident Black son while managing her own recently diagnosed ADHD.

The podcast's name comes from those moments all parents experience, when we fall short of our own expectations or when setting boundaries makes us feel like we're somehow failing. Dr. Lori  candidly discusses the "struggle and juggle" of motherhood, rejecting the myth of work-life balance in favor of a more realistic approach where sometimes certain priorities must temporarily take precedence while others wait.

Particularly moving is her discussion of parenting a Black son in a system that often doesn't extend the same grace to children of color. She shares both heartbreak and pride in watching her child develop resilience in the face of microaggressions, revealing the complex emotions that come with preparing him for a world that may not always see his full potential.

What sets this episode apart is Dr. Lori’s unflinching honesty about the role financial status plays in accessing parenting resources. Having worked to create a career that allows her flexibility, she acknowledges this privilege while offering practical strategies for those without the same options. From panic-inducing misunderstandings with teachers to the transformative advice about letting partners parent their own way, her stories resonate with authenticity.

Whether you're a longtime listener or new to the show, this episode provides valuable insight into using behavior modification principles to improve your parenting experience. Subscribe now and join a community of parents who are embracing their imperfect moments while striving for growth.

⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰

0:34 - Show Introduction and Sponsorship

1:36 - Meet Dr. DeLoren: Background and Profession 

4:47 - Applying Behavior Analysis to Motherhood

11:19 - Educational Journey and Career Path

19:29 - Origins of the Show's Concept

26:33 - Motherhood Challenges and ADHD Diagnosis

37:11 - Coping with "Shitty Mom" Moments

47:05 - The Role of Income in Motherhood

54:18 - Parenting as a Black Mother

1:03:24 - Struggle and Juggle vs. Work-Life Balance

1:08:45 - Best Parenting Advice: Let Partners Help

➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: [e-mail]
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com

Support the show

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity
Behavioral Alliance, your numberone source for behavior change.
Fidelity Behavioral Alliancecreates behavior change programs
for schools, parents andorganizations looking to reduce
problem behaviors and improveperformance outcomes.

(00:20):
Find out more atwwwfidelitybehavioralliancecom.
If you would like to sponsor anepisode of FSM, email us at
shitmom at gmailcom.
That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M atgmailcom.

(00:42):
M-o-m at gmailcom.
It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another
episode of For Shitty Moms.
All right, hey everyone, thisis your favorite behavior
analyst, dr DeLoren, and I'mhere today with a very special

(01:04):
episode.
Instead of me interviewingsomeone else, another mom, I am
going to actually interviewmyself.
I feel like it's reallyimportant for my listeners to
get to know a little bit moreabout me, my background, about

(01:24):
the show, how the show cameabout, how the concept came
about.
So let's just get into it, allright.
So, as you may know, my name isDeLoren.
I usually refer to myself as DrDeLoren for the show.
I'm 35 and I am from SouthFlorida.

(01:46):
Right now.
I am a mom and a wife.
I have one son.
I've been married going onseven years this upcoming April
and yeah, that's a little bitabout me, my current occupation,
I am a behavior analyst.

(02:10):
So at this given time I amactually working on launching my
own business, my own company,and really I go out into the
community.
Go out into the community, I goout into the homes of children

(02:30):
with special needs and I helpthem develop different skill
sets to allow them to gain theirindependence.
So, as a behavior analyst orsometimes I like to call it a
behavior therapist, we go out,we observe and then I will
identify behaviors thatdifferent clients is what we
call them will need to developin order to obtain some level of

(02:57):
independence.
Because every child isdifferent, every individual is
different.
Every individual is different.
Those skills and thosebehaviors that they need to
develop look different for eachindividual right.
So success looks different foreach individual as well, and

(03:19):
typically when we're dealingwith an individual who's a part
of that special needs communityor who may fall into that
category, typically I will doobservations to see what
behaviors and skills theyalready have.

(03:40):
I am looking for deficits thatthey already have, and then I'm
interviewing differentstakeholders that can be parents
, teachers, siblings,grandparents, family members who
help in the daily care of theseindividuals to see what's

(04:01):
important to them and whatskills will really enhance the
quality of life for that familyunit as a whole.
So with that it can look verydifferent depending on the
setting, depending on theindividual that I'm speaking
with.
I always personally try toidentify skill sets that are

(04:25):
going to make the biggestdifference in the life of the
family and in the quality oflife for the individual.

(04:47):
It's important to me to explainto everyone that I come across
that I don't just focus onspecial needs populations and
individuals with varyingexceptionalities or disabilities
.
That's one idea that I had whendeveloping the show is that
behavior therapy, behaviorchange, behavior modification

(05:07):
all of those things can workwith all individuals.
One population in particularthat I think definitely gets
overlooked, that population willbe moms.
Typically moms, we do a lot.
We are our most difficult andchallenging critic, whether you

(05:35):
hear about other moms judgingother moms or even moms judging
themselves and holdingthemselves to a higher standard
and then expressing theirdisappointment when they don't
necessarily meet those standards.
So all of those things cameinto play when I developed the

(06:05):
concept of the idea that momstoo can undergo behavior
modification and behavior changeto achieve the outcomes that
they want to achieve in life,whether it's through parenting,
whether it's self development,whether it's emotional or

(06:29):
spiritual connections withthemselves, family, you name it.
Behavior is behavior.
Behavior is universal andeveryone and all of their

(06:50):
interactions with theenvironment typically, will
determine what types ofbehaviors they have.
As individuals, we are alldriven by outcomes.
So if I'm working with anindividual who falls within that
special needs population, it'smy job to identify the best
outcome, the outcome that theindividual wants and the outcome

(07:14):
that's the safest and the mostdesirable outcome for that
individual.
Well, as a behavior analyst andas a behavior therapist, the
same thing applies to everyoneelse.
As human beings, we are drivenby past experiences and we are

(07:37):
driven by outcomes.
So, when it comes to moms, weare really navigating and making
decisions every single daybased on our desirable outcomes,
or based on the outcomes thatwe the most desirable, but
depending on the circumstance.

(07:59):
We engage in certain behaviorsbecause of our circumstances and
because of what we know theoutcome will be.
You know, sometimes as a parent, you can do things that you're

(08:19):
not so happy with.
You kind of don't understand,like why do I keep doing this?
I already know what's going tohappen, I already know what the
outcome is going to be and we dothose things anyway, right.
It's because of our pastexperience and our past
consequences that we'veencountered as individuals.

(08:45):
So the show focuses onidentifying the behaviors that
most moms aren't so satisfiedwith, or identifying behaviors
that moms would like to improve,and then talking to different
moms on the show if they havebeen able to obtain certain

(09:07):
outcomes that they really,really want, you know, if they
have been able to figure out aformula that works for them,
that allows them to gain accessto the outcomes that they want.
I'm really inviting those momson the show to share the
strategies that they use, thebehaviors that they engage in,

(09:31):
so that other moms who arelistening, who want similar
outcomes, they can listen to theshow, they can take some notes
and maybe add some new behaviorsin their repertoire to achieve
the outcomes that they want,behaviors and their repertoire
to achieve the outcomes thatthey want.
So throughout the show, I liketo talk about real life, real
experiences, all sides ofmotherhood, and then focus on

(09:54):
different ways to improve thoseexperiences so that more moms
can achieve more desirableoutcomes within their experience
.
I can say as an individual,this has taken a lot of time and
a lot of growth to just even beable to sit here today to talk

(10:18):
about those things.
As a mom personally, it hasbecome really challenging to
identify myself as somethingoutside of a mom, right, as once
we become parents, it's likeyou're always a parent, right,
but there was a person and anindividual there who existed

(10:42):
before parenthood and beforemotherhood, right?
So throughout the show, I liketo just get to know the guests
that I'm interviewing, but Ialso think it's important for my
guests and my listeners to getto know me as well.
So, with all of my experience,with my background, so with all

(11:14):
of my experience with mybackground, I do have a
background in education,specifically special education.
I have my doctorate, I have myEDD in special education.
I have my doctorate in appliedbehavior analysis.
I have my doctorate in appliedbehavior analysis.
And before all of that, whatreally got me started and
introduced into the field waspursuing my doctorate in STEM
education.

(11:34):
Stem for those of you who don'tknow, that's science,
technology, engineering andmathematics.
When I initially started mydoctoral program, I was this
big-eyed, bright-eyed,bushy-tailed doctoral student
and I really wanted to pursueSTEM education.

(11:57):
I was a teacher, and once ateacher, always a teacher, and I
and I was always very, verypassionate about science and
educating students in title oneschools in urban populations, in
socio-economicallydisadvantaged schools and

(12:21):
neighborhoods, really bringingthe science curriculum alive to
those students to open theireyes to the possibilities, to
see what they have anopportunity to explore outside
of their everyday lives.
I feel like as a product of apublic school.

(12:44):
As a product of a public school, I was never really encouraged.
I attended public school allthroughout my life as a child.
Growing up, I started out at anelementary school that just so
happened to be a Montessorischool and I think the
experience that I gained therebe a Montessori school and I

(13:08):
think the experience that Igained there really just helped
cultivate my love of learning.
It was a very positiveexperience and amazing
opportunity for me to buildrelationships with people that I
still talk to every single daymy best friend, some of my
elementary school teachers Italk to still I keep in touch

(13:31):
with them on the regular andthat started my love for
education.
Really the encouragement for meit really stopped at sixth grade
in elementary, so I always keptthat in the forefront once I

(13:51):
became a teacher, that you knowwhat I need to reach out to as
many kids as possible, kids withthe same background that I have
and I need to show them what'sout there.
I really didn't learn what wasout there until I got to college
and in my opinion I was veryfortunate.

(14:15):
And in today's world that'sreally late, right?
That's really late.
Exposure to differentopportunities that's really late
for anyone to figure out thatthey have more opportunities
right at their fingertips.
So as a teacher, I decided youknow what?

(14:37):
I need?
A little more education.
I need to fill my teachingtoolbox with a little more so
that I can reach out to the kidsin my classroom.
So that's what started me onthat journey to pursue my
doctorate and along the way Iwas introduced to special

(14:58):
education, I fell in love withit.
I had a classmate whointroduced me to the world of
plot behavior analysis and I wasable to pretty much merge all
of my interests once I wasintroduced to the field of ABA
is what we call it.
So it's a scientific approachto behavior change.

(15:22):
So I still got to pursue mylove of science and with that I
was also able to help people andreach out to a variety of
people with a variety of skillsets that I couldn't really
reach before as a teacher.

(15:42):
So, with all of that experience, I'm still going through all of
these things that I described.
That was probably over thecourse of about six years, from
discovering that passion toactually finishing and becoming
a doctor.
All of that was happening whileI was also experiencing

(16:08):
motherhood for the first time.
So majority of my motherhoodexperience has been shared, as
I've been developing myself andobtaining my own education and
trying to further my own skillsets and if it sounds like a lot
, that's because it is and I'mfinally at a point in life where

(16:33):
things are starting to slowdown a little bit and I'm
actually able to explore anddigest the world around me
through a different lens,because I'm no longer a student,
I'm further along in my career,so I'm not trying to climb that

(16:53):
invisible ladder that we allhave to climb in order to
support ourselves and supportour families.
So, with all of that experience, the ideas and the experiences
of motherhood in general, thatwas really the birthplace of the

(17:14):
show.
I am fortunate enough to workin a field that I consider to be
mom friendly, but that's not tosay that I don't have those
same challenges.
I think I made a lot ofsacrifices early on to get to a

(17:35):
point where now, as a parent, Ican kind of call the shots of
what, what I do in my career.
I have more input with theincome that I'm able to make and
bring home in the work schedulethat I have.
And I also kept that in mindand that's what kept me

(17:59):
motivated, because I kepttelling myself, you know what,
once I get through school,because I kept telling myself,
you know what, once I getthrough school, once I get this
degree and get the experiencethat I need through my career,
then I will be able to call theshots and be in the forefront of
my family.
That was always the end goal,and all of the experiences that

(18:26):
I share on the show are justthings that I've encountered
along the way, but the ultimategoal has always been to make a
substantial contribution to myfamily unit, um, economically
speaking, and to be able to bepresent for those special

(18:48):
moments and to activelyparticipate in the growth and
the development of my own family.
So that has always been themission, that has always been
the goal, and, personally,anything that is done outside of
that for me is an added bonus,right?

(19:09):
So this is who.
This is the person or theindividual that's speaking to
you and all of our guests.
I'm kind of pulling you guysbehind the curtain a little bit
today and giving you an idea ofwho I am and the advice that I

(19:29):
give.
Sometimes it may be advice frompersonal experience, it may be
advice through professionalexperience and some days, just
like everyone else, I don't haveany advice at all.
That's the whole point ofinviting other moms on the show,

(19:50):
because everyone has adifferent experience.
Everyone has something to bringto the table, and your income
level it really doesn't matterwhen it comes to motherhood.
I've spoken to some moms in myeveryday life who have an

(20:11):
abundance of resources becauseof their financial status.
They have an abundance ofresources right at their
fingertips and they stillstruggle with motherhood.
I have encountered othermothers who have very limited
resources at their fingertipsbecause of their financial

(20:35):
status at the moment and, guesswhat?
They're thriving in motherhood.
So motherhood is a sharedexperience that we all have and
no matter what your backgroundis, how you were raised, the
family structure that you havenow, we all can share our unique

(20:58):
experiences and we all can takebits and pieces from each
other's experiences and usethose experiences to improve our
own relationships and achievesome of the personal goals that
we may have set for ourselves asmothers.
So the name for shitty moms thatcame about is just I guess it

(21:25):
came about through a lot of selftalk.
Some days when I'm overwhelmedor some days when I'm setting a
boundary, I'll kind of tellmyself well, I guess this is my
shitty mom moment, because nowI'm establishing a boundary.
I have learned the hard waythat you can't do it all, you

(21:47):
can't have everything, andsometimes as a parent, you kind
of put yourself in that box towhere you have all of these
demands that you absolutely haveto meet.
They are non-negotiables andsometimes you just can't do it.
So my way of coping withunderstanding that you know what

(22:08):
, all of these expectations thatI've placed on myself, I'm
gonna have to prioritize themand I can't do them all right
now.
So sometimes I'll jokingly tellmyself like, oh, I guess I'm a
shitty mom because I won't bedoing that.
Or sometimes I really feel like, oh, I can't believe I did that

(22:30):
.
Oh, I'm such a shitty mom.
And that's pretty much wherethe name came from, because
again, that is another sharedexperience.
As a behavior therapist, I oftentry to define the terms that I
use so that everyone can have awhere it sounds one way but it

(22:51):
really means something else.
And basically that is a phrasethat's used that can kind of

(23:12):
resonate with all moms who arereally trying.
They have set a set ofexpectations, they want to
improve the lives of theirchildren, their family
themselves, their quality oflife, all of those things, and
they're just really trying totroubleshoot and figure out the

(23:33):
best way to do that.
And sometimes we fall short,sometimes we're our biggest
critics and sometimes there's nofancy way to say it.
I don't care how many degreesanyone else may have.
We all have shitty moments,right?
So that's where the name camefrom and that's what we discuss

(23:54):
here on the show.
All of the above.
So nothing is really off limits, nothing is really off the
table.
Anytime I have a guest on theshow or anytime I'm sharing an
experience on on the show, it'sreally peeling back another
layer to motherhood, what thatexperience usually is, and just

(24:18):
to give a little more insight asto where certain behaviors may
originate, right, and sometimes,if our behaviors are
inconsistent with our values orthe expectations that we have in
our mind, it can cause acertain level of insecurity and

(24:40):
from that insecurity.
That's where the shitty momexperience comes into play.
So the next question saysbesides work and parenting, do
you have any hobbies, interests,side hustles or business
ventures?
This is a very loaded question.

(25:01):
Loaded question, I'll say,before the year 2023,.
The answer to this question forme was no.
I was definitely consumed withwork after pursuing my education
and graduating and justsecuring a job that allowed me

(25:22):
to gain the financial stabilitythat I had been looking for for
quite some time.
So now I will say I have theluxury of actually having
hobbies and other interestsoutside of work and parenting.
I think it's really important.
Throughout the show, I alwayslike to reference income.

(25:46):
I feel like as a mom goingthrough this process from start
to finish.
A lot of things have changedfor me and a lot of times when I
was just starting out whetherit was just starting out a
career as a teacher or reallytrying to plant my feet as a mom

(26:08):
, or trying to plant my feet andfind my footing as a wife
oftentimes the resources thatwere available to me didn't
necessarily suit mysocioeconomic status at the time
, in other words, the resourcesand the things that I was

(26:30):
looking for to really help meimprove my current status as a
mom, as a wife, as a teacherwith a very limited income.
Those resources really didn'tfit my budget.
Limited income those resourcesreally didn't fit my budget.

(26:50):
So throughout the show, Ialways like to acknowledge that
these are different resources ordifferent strategies that we
may reference.
I love to highlight thesocioeconomic status that might
be needed to obtain certainthings, because a lot of the
times, from my personalexperience, I feel like those

(27:12):
things were overlooked.
As a parent, especially being amom, we always hear about moms
being stressed out oroverwhelmed.
Stressed out or overwhelmed.
And a lot of resources, a lotof blogs, a lot of social media

(27:37):
pages and resources will alwaystalk about self care, but they
never really talk about thefinances that are needed to
obtain those things.
So it almost sends the messagethat if you don't have a certain
socioeconomic status, if youdon't have a certain income,
then really you can't obtain anypeace of mind, you can't do any

(27:57):
self-care, and those are thingsthat I experienced early on,
just say, as a brand new teacher.
Something like self-care with ateacher's income.
That's not really a thing.
So throughout the show, I dolike to speak to different moms

(28:17):
with different financialbackgrounds and different
financial incomes, because it'simportant to know how are they
coping, do they have resourcesavailable to them, what are they
using and what are some thingsthat I use during that time to
get me through it.
I think it's important to notoversimplify what motherhood is

(28:43):
really like and sometimes a lotof resources, even professionals
.
They can overlook theimportance of having income to
even obtain these resources inthe first place.
I know since COVID, really,mental health has been a hot

(29:05):
topic everywhere you go.
Taking care of your mentalhealth, improving your mental
health, getting counseling,getting therapy has been a hot
topic for all demographics.
However, one important thing tokeep in mind is a lot of the
time, those things are not free.

(29:25):
So if you don't have a certainincome level, a certain SES
status, sometimes mental healthand taking care of your mental
health well, that doesn't fit inthe budget.
I know from a personalexperience as a teacher with a
modest salary at the time,mental health outside of my EAP,

(29:51):
and I was fortunate enough toeven have insurance, because a
lot of people out there stilldon't have basic health care and
basic insurance.
I was fortunate enough to beone of those individuals who had
insurance, so I was able to gothrough my EAP and get
counseling and mental healththerapy Whenever I felt

(30:15):
overwhelmed.
I was able to take advantage ofthose six free sessions that we
got through.
Insurance right, but a lot ofpeople don't have that, and
another caveat to that is, afterthose six sessions well, guess
what?
Who's gonna pay for that?
A lot of the times, even withinsurance, mental health

(30:40):
counseling can be prettyexpensive and you're gonna face
some out-of-pocket cost.
So I like to talk aboutdifferent strategies that we all
can use.
In no way, shape, form orfashion Am I saying that this
show is to replace any type ofmental health counseling or

(31:00):
anything like that.
If you are in a mental healthcrisis, you do need to seek help
.
However, if you don't have thefinancial backing to do so, I
always like to discuss differentstrategies and different
options that are free.
Sometimes you can't pay forcounseling or therapy, but you

(31:25):
can go to church, you can join achurch group and things like
that of to make sure thateveryone in the audience can

(31:48):
gain something from each episode.
Okay, so I went on a brieftangent there about mental
health, but I think it's justimportant to highlight the
importance of acknowledging therole of finances when it comes

(32:10):
to seeking out differentstrategies and different
resources.
And that's part of the reasonwhy, on the show, we talk to
different types of moms withdifferent backgrounds to give us
a little more insight.
Types of moms with differentbackgrounds to give us a little
more insight.
So, as I was saying before,besides parenting, other hobbies

(32:30):
that I have right now wouldinclude just trying to reclaim
my own mental health andstability, spiritual health and
stability.
So of late I've taken up yogaand pilates and really I've
started back just trying todevelop an exercise routine so

(32:56):
that way I have an outlet andI'm able to really channel my
energy instead of beingoverwhelmed and stressed out
with everything being thrown atme in life.
At least I've given myself sometype of outlet.
But, like I said, I juststarted that within the last,

(33:21):
I'll say, three months.
Today is October, yeah, todayis October 1st.
So these hobbies really justdevelop.
Within the last 90 days, I'llsay things have finally put me
in a place where life isstarting to level out, things

(33:43):
are starting to stabilize for me, so I'm able to establish
routines for my family and nowI'm fortunate.
I am fortunate enough to be ableto establish some routines
myself, because I think the waythat things are going now mental

(34:03):
health, self-care, mentalhealth care all of those things,
in my opinion, are luxuries.
A lot of people can't reallyafford to have different types
of outlets.
So a lot of the times I do liketo ask different moms what are

(34:24):
your hobbies?
Because guess what, dependingon your financial backing, your
hobbies are going to look.
They're going to look different.
Backing your hobbies are goingto look, they're going to look
different.
So those are just some of thehobbies that I have for myself,
and I am now to a point where Iam starting to dabble in running

(34:45):
my own business and again, thatis, in my opinion, that's a
luxury, because you have to havesome kind of financial backing
to start.
Right, it takes money to makemoney, that is true, and this

(35:05):
can't be done without it, right?
So those are a few things thatI have going on in my life right
now.
If I were to describe myself asa mom, I jokingly and loosely
refer to myself as the hot messmom For those of you who haven't

(35:28):
caught on by now.
For those of you who are justtuning into the show I often
reference like I'm a mom withADHD and I was diagnosed later
on in life after my son.
Uh, it was discovered that hehad ADHD.
He and I are a lot of light, um.

(35:48):
We have a lot of similarcharacter traits and that's just
one thing that we share.
So now that I'm able to reallydefine what is going on, now I
can kind of look around and say,okay, like this is some ADHD

(36:09):
stuff you have going on, pull ittogether.
Like this is some ADHD stuffyou have going on, pull it
together.
So, as that hot mess mama, as Ilike to call it I'm, sometimes
I find myself to be all over theplace.
I'm I'm very involved, whetherit is being involved with school
, extracurricular activities,field trips, home projects.

(36:34):
At the end of the day, I am ateacher at heart.
I started out my career as ascience teacher and a lot of
those things I incorporate intothe home.
So for us to have some kind ofscience experiment going on in
the house, for us to have somekind of garden growing and

(37:00):
trying some things out in theyard, is not really something
that to come to my home.
There's no telling what youwould see at any given moment,
because I like what I like Ihave different interests and

(37:21):
it's important to me that mychild gets the exposure to those
different things, especiallybecause growing up I feel like I
didn't have access to a lot ofthings and I wasn't exposed to a
lot of things.
So now as a parent, especiallybeing a mom, I really take that

(37:42):
to heart and I will try toexpose him to everything and
even more than what I wasexposed to in life.
So that's how I would describemyself as a mom.
And my most recent shitty momexperience let's see I have a

(38:06):
laundry list of them Again, thatwas the birthplace of the show
just sharing these shittyexperiences with the world
pretty much and then being ableto identify with other moms who
have shared shitty experiencesof their own.

(38:27):
But I'll say the most recentshitty mom experience was
probably this Friday, picking myson up from school.
I received a message from theteacher that he needed help with
submitting his homeworkassignment because he hadn't

(38:49):
been submitting his homeworkassignments this week and I was
really taken aback by thatmessage because I've been so
excited my little guy.
He's in the fifth grade thisyear and the goal has been to
really prepare him for theindependence and the challenges

(39:12):
of middle school.
So with that we've beenfocusing a lot on just getting
him to be more responsible withhis assignments.
I haven't been a helicopterparent like I usually am, and it
was nice to really see himrising to the occasion.

(39:33):
So I am no longer hovering,asking for homework.
Let me see your agenda.
Did you write this down?
Did you do this?
Did you do that?
It's been a lot of.
You know what you need to doand I'm not gonna tell you what
you need to do.
You need to handle it and takecare of it.

(39:54):
So really just kind of backingoff a little bit to have him
step up.
Initially that was a challenge,but as of late it felt like
okay, he's getting it, he'llcome home.
I do use ABA strategies with myparenting style.

(40:15):
For those of you who don't know, aba stands for Applied
Behavior Analysis.
That's where the behaviortherapy piece comes into play.
So I use a lot of thosestrategies with my son because
it works and I really want tofoster that independence in him.
I think is very important tostart young, but it has been a

(40:39):
challenge even for someone whois supposed to be, you know, an
expert in the field and I havethis certain level of expertise.
Yeah, having the expertise anddoing those things, it is still
a challenge.
So it was nice to see him, myson, rise to the occasion and

(41:03):
rise to those challenges and Ican say, me and my husband, we
have been happy with theprogress that he's making.
We've been pretty impressedwhen he's like he'll come home
and kind of tell us uh, homeworkis already done.
I did it at school.
So for us, that allows us tokind of let our hair down a

(41:24):
little bit more, relax a littlebit more and just enjoy that
quality time with the family, um, a little bit more.
So on Friday, when I receivedthat message from the teacher,
it was like a gut check right.
Like, oh my gosh, I haven'tbeen doing my job as a mom.

(41:45):
I trusted him and like, here wego.
Now I'm going down that spiralof I gave him this
responsibility.
He told me he was doing thehomework and now I'm getting
messages saying, hey, I haven'tseen any homework.
So all of this is going on inmy head and now I'm starting to

(42:07):
panic like, oh my gosh, he's gottests coming up.
Oh my gosh, how many homeworkassignments did he miss.
Now the panic strikes and Ijust start texting my husband
like you're going to have totalk to him.
He told me, like directly in myface, that these things were
done.
The teacher is telling me theyhaven't been done.
Please work with him to playcatch up over the weekend.

(42:29):
I'm just not sure what to do,just going down that spiral.
And here it is.
I'm in the parent pickup line onFriday.
The teacher comes to the carand I'm like, oh my God, like
now she's got something else totell me, because she's telling
me to pull the car over so wecan have a quick chat.

(42:49):
And here it is.
I'm kind of bracing myself forthat moment.
And she just wanted to let meknow that the homework that she
texts me about, oh, it was inhis folder in the classroom.
So he's been doing the homeworkthis whole time and I just went
down this spiral and thiswhirlwind of panic of how are we

(43:13):
going to play catch up?
Did he learn the concepts?
Like, how are we going topractice and play catch up if he
never did these assignments?
And now I'm feeling like, ohwell, that was shitty.
Because here it is, he told mehe did something and I should
have trusted him and maybe Ishould have had a different

(43:34):
response, like, well, let mejust talk to him and see what's
going on.
I wish that would have been myinitial thought, but it wasn't.
So it's things like that, um,that I'd like to just raise
awareness to myself, mainly sothat those behaviors I can kind
of fix, because, had his teacher, what if his teacher didn't

(43:59):
discover the homework untilMonday?
Then I probably would havegiven my son some kind of
consequence for and told him,like you know, give him that
speech.
You have to be more responsible.
You're going to middle schoolnext year.
If you're in middle school andyou don't turn in your homework,
you're going to get a zero,you're going to get an f, like

(44:20):
all of these conversations wouldhave happened.
And here it is.
He was doing the right thingthe whole time.
So it's moments like that whereI wish, as a parent, I was able
to kind of catch myself a littleearlier before that spiral

(44:41):
happens, so that I don't createa series of negative experiences
and negative interactions,right.
So those are those shitty mommoments and those shitty mom
behaviors that I like tohighlight, because with any
behavior that you're targetingin the world of behavior therapy

(45:03):
, you can always come up with areplacement behavior right, or
an antecedent strategy, which issomething, a strategy that you
do before the behavior evenstarts right.
So for me, maybe one of thosethings would be to just practice
saying it out loud.

(45:23):
Well, let me talk to my sonfirst, to see what's going on.
Something as simple as that cankind of stop that whole
downward spiral.
So that's something that I'mkind of working on myself to
improve those behaviors.
And hopefully, if you're a momout there struggling with the

(45:44):
same mindset and you go intothis panic mode, maybe you can
try that strategy.
It's something that's free, itdoesn't cost anything, anybody
can try it.
And maybe you can use thatstrategy is something that's
free, it doesn't cost anything,anybody can try it.
And maybe you can use that withyour kiddos so you don't have
these negative, shitty momexperiences.
Or if you have a significantother, you can apply these

(46:06):
strategies to a significantother as well, so that you're
just not banking and racking upthese shitty experiences because
of, basically, behaviors thatyou're choosing to engage in.
And that's not to say that it'seasy to change your behavior.
It takes practice because theseare behaviors, behavior

(46:30):
sequences and behavior chains,as we call them.
These are cycles of behaviorthat we have maintained for
years, right?
So you have to put a littlemore effort into changing those
things, all right?
The next question what are yourthree biggest challenges as a

(46:51):
mom?
I feel like I talk about this alot on the show, but for those
of you who are new to the show,I think number one, the biggest
challenge for me, is managing,like, that panic mode.
Right, there's, I think there'sa certain level of insecurity

(47:12):
that just comes along theterritory with motherhood.
We don't get a guide, we don'tget an instructional manual, so
every experience is like a newexperience.
Every age is a new age whereyou have to learn different
things about your child and youhave to give them what they need
, and those needs are constantlychanging because they're

(47:35):
constantly changing.
So just not going into panicmode as that first instinct, I
think that's a big challenge forme.
The next challenge I'll saystriking the balance, and
honestly, I don't even know whyI said striking the balance,
because I really don't believein the concept of balance.

(47:55):
I don't think that.
I don't think balance exists.
I like to describe motherhoodas as a struggle and juggle
Right.
So my approach to motherhood andthe approaches that I've seen,
the common thread is that youcan't do it all.
I think when we talk aboutbalance, it implies that you can

(48:20):
do everything.
It's just you do it at acertain level or a certain
capacity.
And just from my personal andprofessional experience, I don't
think that is true.
Um, I haven't seen it done.
I don't know anyone who's doingeverything and just balancing

(48:41):
it's really more like a jugglingact.
So it's better to focus yourattention on one thing and and
put some other things on theback burner and then, when that
one thing has been achieved andthat fire is put out now you can
focus your attention onsomething else.

(49:02):
So I think the struggle andjuggle of motherhood is a
challenge.
And then me, the last one wouldbe, I guess, maintaining an
identity outside of motherhood,because it can be all consuming,

(49:23):
right.
So I know it's important tomaintain an identity outside of
motherhood, but I haven'tpersonally or professionally
figured out a way to do that.
So and that's another reasonwhy I like to talk to different
moms, because somebody's outthere doing it how did they do

(49:44):
it?
What do you do?
What are you telling yourself?
I would love to tap into thoseexperiences, to share those
things with other moms who havecommon goals for themselves.
Um, some strategies that I havedeveloped to overcome challenges
.
I would say first and foremost,uh, being honest with myself

(50:11):
and where I stand as a mom.
I think it takes a level ofsecurity to be able to do that.
I think I'm more accepting ofwho I am as a person and who I
am as a mom.
So just acknowledging, hey, Iam not perfect, I'm not trying

(50:36):
to uphold a perfect image.
I do not have the perfect motherand son relationship, I don't
have the perfect family unit andI acknowledge that a lot of the
times, even with my background,with my professional background

(50:57):
.
You know that's professional,this is personal, this is family
.
Oftentimes I've just beenhonest with my son because I did
recognize recently that even myson puts me on this pedestal of
like mom, she's perfect, momdoesn't make mistakes, mom knows

(51:17):
the answer, mom can fixeverything, and I'm just like
wait a minute, thoseexpectations are a little too
high.
Bring it down.
Like bring it all the way down.
So I definitely acknowledgethat I am not perfect, my family
isn't perfect, ourrelationships aren't perfect,

(51:38):
but I'm willing to try toimprove them and I think that is
a strategy that has taken timeto develop.
It has taken a lot of soulsearching to do those things and
there's a certain level ofcomfort and confidence that now
comes along with acknowledginghey, I'm not perfect, but we'll

(52:01):
figure it out together.
And I think, using thatapproach with my family, with my
son in particular, I'm kind ofletting him know as well look, I
don't know, but as your mom,I'm going to do everything that
I can to try to figure it out.
And if I can't figure it out,we'll find somebody that can

(52:23):
help us.
And everybody needs help.
So, and admitting to my faults,talking about those faults
openly and seeking help with thedeficits that I have as a human
being, as a parent, as aprofessional, those are things

(52:43):
that have.
Those are strategies that havereally helped me along the way,
helped me along the way.
I definitely have learned howto share the load with my
significant other.

(53:05):
So, again, if, for those of youwho know me personally, you know
that I am not that person orthat mom who goes out and tries
to do everything as matter offact, now I'm kind of the
opposite, like, hey, let me letyou know what I can and cannot
do.
Those expectations are a littletoo high.
Those demands are a little toohigh.
You're asking for too much.
I do not hold back anymore andI am not a control freak anymore

(53:31):
.
I am not that type Apersonality because, honestly,
it's exhausting.
So if my significant other, ifhe steps in and he has a way of
helping out, I just let him.
He may do things that aretotally different.
His approach may be completelydifferent from my approach and

(53:56):
I'm okay with that.
It took some time to be okaywith that, but I'm okay with
that because I would rather havethe help and I would rather
have the support as opposed totrying to do everything on my
own.
And sometimes his approach is alot better than my approach.
Right, his approach yieldsbetter outcomes than my approach

(54:19):
would, and that's okay with me.
I'm totally fine with that.
So those are strategies thathave helped me just really cope
with the challenges ofmotherhood and, honestly, it has
really enhanced my parentingexperience, my personal

(54:40):
experience.
Um, it has taken a lot ofstress off of me just accepting
that sometimes I need help andI'm okay with that.
Um, do I have a mommy village?
I always ask my special guestslike, hey, do you have that or

(55:01):
don't you?
Um, for me I would say I have alimited, limited mommy village.
So I definitely have.
I don't know.
Somehow, some way I'vecultivated this kind of network
of moms that I can really reachout to.

(55:23):
I can be very transparent withwhat's going on and get advice
for different things, whetherit's like health and nutrition.
If I want to do something orimplement something within the
family unit and I need a littleguidance on it, because that's
not my area of expertise I havemy moms that I can reach out for

(55:44):
that.
I have moms that I can reallyreach out for that emotional
support when I am feelingoverwhelmed.
There is no judgment.
They can give me a lot ofinsight and a lot of pointers to
different resources that I mayneed.
I think that's one way that Iwas able to get my son diagnosed

(56:08):
with ADHD, which eventually ledto my own diagnosis of ADHD
just having transparentconversations with that network
of moms in my mommy village andgetting some insight from them.
So, yes, I do have a villagethat helps in that regard.

(56:32):
When it comes to, let's say,things like babysitting or
people watching your kid orthings like that, we have a very
small network of people, noteven a network.
We have a small set of peoplethat we trust to kind of look

(56:56):
out for our son when, wheneversomething comes up and we need
him there, so they they usuallyreally come through for us when
we absolutely need it.
But other than that it's justme and my significant other and
we kind of tackle things as theycome.

(57:17):
We have developed a greatpartnership when it comes to
parenting.
We have developed a greatpartnership when it comes to our
own relationship where wereally just support each other
and where one is lacking, theother kind of picks up the slack

(57:38):
and and vice versa.
So the mommy village is smallbut it's mighty um for my really
close friends.
Sometimes we don't talk everyday, our kids don't play
together, our kids don't seeeach other, but I know I do have
that select few that if Ireally need them they are there,

(58:03):
they're in our corner.
So that's what my mommy villagelooks like.
The next question how do youcope with what I call shitty mom

(58:26):
syndrome?
Are either overcome with guiltor disappointment when you
realize that you have failed tomeet your own expectations as a

(58:50):
mom.
So oftentimes, moms, mom, guiltcomes into play when something
takes precedence over somethingelse that should have been done
with your child.
Ideally, we love to romanticizethe thought of putting your

(59:14):
family first, putting your childfirst, but sometimes that isn't
really practical.
It's not something that we cando all the time, and I think a
lot of pressure is definitelyput on moms to meet the demands

(59:34):
of their child.
Every single demand, everysingle need, every single whim,
every single concern.
Um, it's really the burden ofthe mom to meet all of those
expectations, to be there forall of those special moments all
the time.
So, as parents and as mothers,we often tell ourselves that

(01:00:01):
that is our job as a mom, and ifwe can't do that job, then
you're a bad mom or you're ashitty mom, or you have failed
as a mom.
You haven't met thoseexpectations.
So that's where the term isderived, or that's how the term
is defined, right?

(01:00:21):
So how do I cope with it?
I think a lot of times times mycoping style has been, I guess,

(01:00:42):
the approach of prevention.
Again, early on, when I wasstarting my career, I always had
the mindset that I wanted to bethe person in charge of my
schedule and in charge of myincome, because I did want to
make sure that I was there forthose moments.
So early on, my goal was alwaysto set myself up to have a

(01:01:04):
career that would afford me theflexibility to where I could be
a mom that was present, I couldbe a working mom.
Flexibility to where I could bea mom that was present, I could
be a working mom.
I decided early on that I didnot want to be a stay at home
mom.
That really wasn't somethingfor me.
But I also did not want tosacrifice any of my career goals

(01:01:31):
and aspirations for the sake ofmotherhood.
So my solution to that was tofurther along my education and
really put myself in a positionto be a boss and call the shots.
And I will say I underestimatedhow much work going goes into

(01:01:57):
being a boss and a mom, being anentrepreneur.
It takes a lot more work.
In my opinion, now that I'mexperiencing these things on the
other side of the token, thesethings on the other side of the
token it's more work thanworking for someone else.
So the saying you have to paythe cost to be the boss, that is

(01:02:27):
real.
It holds a lot of weight.
But that was something that Iknew early on, that in order for
me to really be present inchild rearing and in the growth
and development of my own child,I would need to put myself in a
position where I was able tocall the shots.

(01:02:49):
Oftentimes, from my experience,I've witnessed other mothers who
really have to choose between acareer and motherhood and a lot
of times the moms who choose topursue motherhood they kind of
delay their career aspirationsor they delay furthering along

(01:03:16):
their education until they feellike they have gotten their kids
to a point where they can kindof stand on their own and be a
little more independent and nowyou can kind of pick up where
you left off.
So that is not something that Iwanted to do for myself.

(01:03:37):
Again, I consider myself to bea very ambitious person when it
comes to career and education.
I'm very driven in that regard.
I like the idea of controllingmy own money.
It never sat well with meSitting in on on interviews,

(01:04:02):
trying to negotiate a certainsalary, knowing the skill set
that I can bring to the tablefor an organization, and going
in knowing that I would not befinancially compensated for the
skill set that I have and thethings.
I considered myself to be avery successful and phenomenal

(01:04:34):
teacher and it just it never satright with me knowing that my
income level, really it wouldn'tchange if I showed up and
excelled as a teacher in theclassroom or if I showed up and
did the bare minimum as ateacher in the classroom.

(01:04:54):
Either way, my pay was the same, my income was the same and
nothing changed.
So I wanted a little moreautonomy and a little more
control over my finances.
So I have always so I havealways held that in the
forefront and the structure ofmy family and I knew that the

(01:05:23):
only way to get over that momguilt and that shitty mom
syndrome is to put myself in aposition where I could call the
shots.
So if something comes up withmy kid, I'm not begging someone
for time off, you know what?
Hey, my kid needs me, I'm outand I don't have to answer to
anyone.
I'm in that position now, butit did take time.
I think I have a lot offlexibility now that I didn't

(01:05:47):
have before, but it's also morework because I have a lot more
responsibility than I had before.
But I'm okay with the extraresponsibility if that means I
can call the shots and I can bethere for my kid when it matters
the most and I don't have toanswer to anyone and I don't

(01:06:10):
have to sacrifice any incomeeither while doing those things.
So that was my solution to ashitty mom syndrome, and I
definitely, definitelyacknowledge that everyone is not
in a position to do that.
So, knowing that, I added thatas an interview question and

(01:06:34):
that's something that I try toask all of my moms, because,
guess what?
I've interviewed moms on theshow who have very rigid
schedules and structures when itcomes to work.
They don't really work in mommyfriendly environments.
So calling into work, hey I'mgoing to be late, hey I'm not

(01:06:57):
going to be able to come up,come in today, my kid has this
going on.
Everyone does not have thatoption and I acknowledge that.
So I want to know what othermoms are doing to cope when they
don't have those optionsavailable to them.
The next question is what aresome behaviors or habits that I

(01:07:21):
would like to change?
I feel like I've addressed thisalready, with me going into
panic mode as an initialresponse.
So I really want to be that momthat kind of thinks, and just a
mom who has more wisdom.
That's one thing that I wouldreally like to develop.

(01:07:43):
I don't just want to blindlynavigate my way through
motherhood because this is myfirst child and I know a lot of
people say, oh, your first kidis the experiment.
I just want to be a littlewiser with the things that I
show him and the way that I livemy own life.
Because, whether we acknowledgeit or not, as parents, we are

(01:08:07):
our child's first teacher.
Whether we're trying to teachthem something intentionally or
not, our kids are alwayswatching, so we can
inadvertently teach them habitsand skills and coping mechanisms
.
That may not be the healthiestway to live your life as an

(01:08:30):
adult, but they're alwayswatching, so we're teaching them
, whether we realize it or not.
So me personally acknowledgingthat fact that I'm always on
that stage, my kid is alwayswatching.
Whether I want him to learncertain habits or not, he's

(01:08:53):
going to pick up on those things.
So, being a parent that guidesmy child with more understanding
and wisdom, those are somehabits that I really want to
develop for myself in the yearsto come, and even, and.
When I say in the years to come, and even and when I say in the
years to come, I know it'sgoing to take time, but those

(01:09:15):
are things that I'm activelyworking towards doing right now,
because the older he gets, youknow the panicking, the
overreacting, those are thingsthat are going to make him kind
of shut down and put up somebarriers.
And as we enter, as he startsto enter into this world of a

(01:09:36):
tween and a preteen, you knowhe's going to need me, he's
going to need a parent who'sable to balance those things out
so that I can give him guidancewhen he needs it and give him a
place to feel comfortableenough to confide in when he
needs that as well.
So those are habits that Iwould like to change and, yes, I

(01:09:59):
am actively working towardsdoing those things at this time.
The next question what are somerewards that I have experienced
as a mom?
Rewards that I have experiencedas a mom I can say watching my

(01:10:21):
little one grow up and becomehis own person has been the most
rewarding.
I think it scares me sometimes,but I am so proud because he is
very unapologetic about who heis, he is who he is and he has
this certain level of confidencein himself where he doesn't

(01:10:43):
really hide that from the world.
Now, as a parent raising ayoung black man, it's terrifying
to have a child who isconfident, who is outspoken,
because the world does not wantthat.
And I see that now.

(01:11:04):
Right now it causes a lot ofchallenges and struggles that we
have encountered, especially inschool.
Usually that's where his socialinteractions occur and the
world does not want that.
His school does not want that,the teachers don't want that,

(01:11:27):
and it's not just him.
That is a common thread and acommon challenge for young black
males in society, right it's?
Or black males in general.
It's just that at this age weare learning those hard lessons

(01:11:47):
through school, which isheartbreaking to witness as a
mom and as a parent, becauseschool is supposed to be that
place where they thrive, theyare nurtured, they get an
opportunity to grow Um, and it'ssupposed to be that safe space
where children are allowed tomake mistakes, learn from those

(01:12:12):
mistakes, to get coached whenthey don't make the right choice
or they don't make the bestchoices.
And unfortunately for blackmales, school is not the place
for that.
It's quite the contrary, and Isay this from personal
experience as a mom and I alsosay it from experience as a

(01:12:39):
professional.
There are plenty of times where, as a professional, I am called
into the schools to intervene,I am called to sit in on a
meeting or on a team, abehavioral team, to come up with
interventions.
And a lot of the times it'sheartbreaking to see that even

(01:13:11):
schools, teachers,administrators, they don't give
the same level of grace andunderstanding to children of
color and it permeates allthroughout the culture of those
schools.
It permeates and spreadsthroughout the culture of school
districts.
And I'm not saying that theseattacks are intentional.
I think it is a blind spot.
But a lot of the times I thinkthe treatment of children of

(01:13:37):
color and specifically blackmales in these different
institutions it's a consciousdecision to ignore the problem.
To ignore the problem simplybecause it's a lot easier to
ignore the problem than toaddress it.
So my reward as a mom alsocomes with a certain level of

(01:14:08):
fear and I think a lot of thetime that's where all of my
panic and anxiety comes from andmy overreactions with my son.
It often comes from a place ofif you say this or if you do
that in front of the wrongperson, it may be perceived this
way, right in a negative light,and we know that in our country
for young black males they onlyhave a limited amount of time

(01:14:33):
to where those disapprovals nowturn into perceived threats in
society, right, and it happens alot faster with children of
color.
It happens a whole lot fasterwith black boys, and what I'm
describing here we call itadultification, right.

(01:14:56):
So a lot more responsibility, alot less leniency is granted
towards children of color.
When they are younger, they areperceived to be more advanced,
right.
They're perceived to be moreadvanced, right.
They're perceived to be moreknowledgeable.
They're perceived to be moremalicious than their peers who

(01:15:21):
are of different ethnicities.
And experiencing this as aparent has been terrifying,
because a lot of the times Idon't think that the teachers
and the, the child careproviders are even aware of, are
aware of their own socialbiases towards children.

(01:15:46):
And it's also for me it'srewarding to see that my son is
able to hold his own throughthese different encounters.
He is still his own person.
He is so resilient, right.

(01:16:07):
The microaggressions that heencounters at school and in
aftercare and in these differentsocial settings and even in
extracurricular activities, itdoesn't bother him.
I feel like right now, becausehe's young, he doesn't really

(01:16:28):
notice it, and it's rewarding tosee when he does notice it and
and how he's able to come toterms and understand what's
happening and still navigate hisway through those situations.
Um, the last basketball seasonthat we had, we had a referee

(01:16:51):
who was like adamant to reallymake sure to prove a point.
You know, these are kidsplaying basketball.
My son is pretty good withbasketball and we just started
and there was a coach who wasadamant to make it his personal
goal to try to humble my sonthrough it.

(01:17:13):
And it was just amazing to seemy son kind of work his way
through it.
And after the games he wouldalways talk about different
things that he wanted to dobetter for himself next time.
And I remember one of theconversations that we had.
It was leading up to like theplayoffs in the very last game

(01:17:35):
of the season and I just kind ofhaving conversation, talking
about the growth that we'vewitnessed with my son playing
basketball during that season, Iwas like, hey, what's one of
the goals that you have for thislast game?
And he just, despite everythingthat was going on, he was like

(01:17:56):
you know, I really want to passthe ball to one of the kids on
the team.
I don't wanna say his name, butthere was a kid on the team who
was very small, extremely shy,not too athletic and he was like
my goal is, I just want toclear the way and get the ball

(01:18:18):
to him so he can make a shot,because he hasn't scored a point
the whole season and before theend of the season I just want
to give him a chance to get theball so he can make a point
before the season ends.
And it was just like one ofthose moments like wow, that's

(01:18:40):
what you took.
Because for me the wholebasketball season was stressful.
There was a referee that wecouldn't do anything about it.
He was definitely a lot harderon our son with his calls than
any of the other players and itwas obvious.
It was blatant.

(01:19:01):
As a parent, there's nothingyou can do about it.
You see your kids struggling toget through a game and you just
have to let them experience it.
And it was nice to see that,despite everything going on
throughout that game and thatseason, that was his focus.

(01:19:25):
So those moments are the mostrewarding, because sometimes I
feel like, as a parent, we'redoing all this coaching and
talking and you know we havevery difficult conversations
with our kids and sometimes theyjust really don't understand
the points that we're trying todrive home, or it seems like

(01:19:48):
they don't understand the pointsthat we're trying to drive home
.
And then, out of the blue, youknow, you just kind of see these
moments where they just they,they're listening, they've
acquired some form of insight towhat you've been saying,
they've managed to internalizeit and apply it to what's going

(01:20:12):
on in their life at the moment.
So I think those things are themost rewarding, because then it
feels like, okay, something issinking in, I'm getting through
somewhere and he's listening,he's going to be okay.
So those are the most rewardingmoments as a mom and as a
parent, because my goal is justto know that when I'm not here

(01:20:38):
anymore, he's gonna be okay.
I've done everything that I cando to give him the tools and
the skills that he needs to beable to take care of himself
when we're no longer here.
So to get those brief momentsto feel like that reassurance is

(01:21:00):
there that he's going to beokay, he can take care of
himself.
He's seen this, you know.
He's seen me do it, he's seenhis dad do it.
He's going to be okay.
Those are the most rewardingmoments to me as a parent and as
a mom, and that's also whatkeeps me motivated, the more
growth that I see within him,the more opportunities that I'm

(01:21:28):
able to provide him with, togive him insight into the rest
of the world, the world outsideof his little bubble, and the
possibility of different choicesthat he has for his life.
I want him to be inspired.
I want him to be able to thinkoutside the box.

(01:21:52):
Those are the things that keepme motivated.
I'm constantly thinking ofdifferent ways to explore the
world around us so that he feelslike he has the confidence to
be able to pursue anything thathe's seen, anything that's been
able to pique his interest.

(01:22:13):
I want him to feel that piquein his interest and then
actually know that he has theskill set to go out and pursue
those things.
As a parent, as a mom, that'swhat keeps me the most motivated
, because if you have thatmotivation and the interest and

(01:22:37):
the desire, then no one can stopyou, no matter what your
circumstances are.
It doesn't matter.
If you're motivated, if you'reinterested, that's all you need.
Everything else will fall intoplace.
Everything else you can reallyfigure out how to achieve the

(01:23:00):
goals that you set for yourself.
So that is what keeps memotivated as a mom, because I
need to know that he's beenexposed to different things and
he has the confidence to go inthe direction of his choice,

(01:23:21):
knowing that he can have controlover his destiny and his
outcomes.
That's what keeps me motivated.
Next question it says whichphilosophy describes your
current status as a mom and whyso.
My two options are work-lifebalance or struggle and juggle,

(01:23:44):
and I kind of answered thatearlier before one of the breaks
.
I definitely think struggle andjuggle is going to be the
ongoing theme for me as a mom.
I don't believe in balance.
Balance implies that you canhave everything at the same time

(01:24:05):
.
I don't think it's practicaland I don't put those goals that
aren't really attainable.
I don't place thoseexpectations on myself anymore

(01:24:28):
and in doing so, the struggleand juggle approach has, believe
it or not, given me a lot ofpeace with my parenting.
Now, if I make the decision tofocus on one thing, then that's
what I'm going to focus on andeverything else can fall to the
wayside.
Something as simple ashousework, grocery shopping,
laundry that's never ending.
If I have something that's moreimportant than that, then guess

(01:24:52):
what?
My focus is on this thing rightnow and I'll get back to that
later and that brings me a lotof peace and knowing that I can
kind of pick and choose where myfocus is going to go.
So that's why I like tooperationally define that
struggle and juggle term that Iuse so much, because work-life

(01:25:15):
balance for me doesn't reallyseem attainable.
That work-life balance really is.
I think it fluctuates every day.
Sometimes you have to focus onwork, sometimes you have to
focus on parenting.
And when you try to focus onboth, sometimes you have to
focus on parenting.
And when you try to focus onboth and balance both, sometimes

(01:25:37):
you end up half-assing both,and sometimes we have to
half-ass as parents.
It's no shade if you have tohalf-ass and finagle your way
through different situationsuntil you can catch up and get a
breath of fresh air.
I understand you just have todo what works for you and that's

(01:25:58):
what works for me right now, inthis moment.
Maybe later on in life I willsing a different tune when I
feel like, oh my gosh, I havethe work life balance, I have
the perfect schedule, everythingworks out and my routines are
always the same.
That's the dream.
I'm just not sure how realisticthat is.

(01:26:23):
Next question what advice do youwish you had been given sooner
when it comes to motherhoodsooner.
When it comes to motherhood, um, this question is kind of
difficult, um, because I haven'treally received a lot of good

(01:26:43):
or positive advice when it comesto motherhood, uh, for
different reasons that I won'tget into today.
But I will say, knowing thatit's okay to make a mistake and

(01:27:04):
it's okay to not know, I thinkthat would have saved me a lot
of time and a lot of angst if Iwould have known that it's OK to
say you know what I don't know.
I think recently I've gottencomfortable with admitting when
I don't know.
But I feel like a lot of timesas a mom, you, we are put in

(01:27:30):
positions to where we'reexpected to have the answer and
sometimes there is no answer.
Sometimes we have to go dig andlook for the answer, or
sometimes, after we've made adecision, then the better option
or the the better answer orthat insight comes later on.

(01:27:54):
So I think, knowing that Idon't have to always have the
answer or the right answer and Idon't have to know everything,
I wish I had that advice a lotsooner.
I think it would have savedeveryone a lot of angst

(01:28:18):
throughout this experience.
The next question is what is thebest advice that someone has
given to you about motherhoodand I kind of laughed at this
question.
Of laughed at this question, um, I will say this is probably

(01:28:41):
the most awkward, uh, situationthat I'm about to explain, but
I'll do it anyway as briefly asI can.
But when I was pregnant, I wasshadowing another teacher a
veteran teacher at the time andI kind of disclosed to that
teacher, who was like mydepartment chairperson at the
time.
He was a male and he had likethree kids of his own.

(01:29:04):
And I just kind of told himlike look, you know you're
giving me these extraresponsibilities but just to
clue you in, I had been hidingthe pregnancy at the time.
So I just wanted to give him aheads up.
Look, I can't, I can assumethese responsibilities now, but

(01:29:25):
I'm going to be out on leavebecause I am pregnant.
I just haven't told anyone, soyou might want to have like a
backup plan.
And he was like okay, okay, whenyou have this baby, don't let
your husband at the time Iwasn't married.
So he was like don't let, don'tlet your boyfriend not help

(01:29:50):
with this baby, and whatever hechooses to do with this baby,
you let him do it.
Don't you step in and don't youhelp him with this baby, and
I'm like what?
But he you know, this is a mantelling me like, do not help
that man, let him struggle, lethim figure it out, do not try to

(01:30:13):
be that mom who does everythingand oh if, if your husband or
if your boyfriend doesn't do itthe same way that you do it,
then you just step in.
You know, a lot of times momshave certain things that we want
done in a certain way and ifour significance, if our

(01:30:34):
significant others don't dothings the way that we would do
them, then typically we justtend to take over that task,
right, because we want it done acertain way.
And what ends up happening isyou get the mom who's
overwhelmed because it's like,oh my God, I have no help, I'm

(01:30:56):
doing everything, I have to doeverything by myself.
But really you've created thisroutine and this set of
expectations that you are goingto handle it all because you
want something done a certainway.
It all because you wantsomething done a certain way.

(01:31:18):
So that was the best advicethat I could have received and I
really didn't understand whathe was saying to me or why,
because he just kind of left itat don't help him with that baby
, let him figure it out.
So as as I developed as a momand kind of went through this
motherhood experience, that wasalways in the back of my mind

(01:31:41):
like what was he talking about?
You know, shout out to MrWilliams, um, and he, you know,
he was a struggling dad on hisown.
He had two daughters who weremusical prodigies, and then he
had a son and it was like oh mygosh, this is a completely
different experience from thegirls and he was a very and is

(01:32:08):
he still is a very hands-on dad.
So just hearing from anexperienced father kind of
telling me like hey, don't help,like I just I didn't really
understand where it was comingfrom, but it always stuck in the
back of my mind and I thinkhaving that advice really helped

(01:32:31):
me in my relationship becauseit also allowed me to let my
husband feel empowered as aparent.
A lot of times, as moms, we justdevelop these routines and we
just want people to follow thoseroutines, specifically dads.
We want them to follow thoseroutines, specifically dads.

(01:32:51):
We want them to follow theroutine.
We want them to meet the sameexpectations that we have.
We have it ingrained in ourkids that things are supposed to
go a certain way because thisis how mommy does it, right.
And then when those dads stepin to try to help out and give
you a hand and relieve you fromsome of that stress, if they

(01:33:14):
don't do it our way, we have thetendency to just cut them off
at the knees.
Nope, I got it.
Don't do it.
What are you doing?
That's not how it's supposed tobe done.
Get out of the way.
And a lot of the times for uswe're looking from it.
We're looking at it from thestandpoint of we want things

(01:33:36):
done efficiently or we have arhyme and a reason to the way
that we're doing things.
And guess what?
They may not do things the sameway that we do it, but let them
do it their way.
Let them do it their way.
You know, when you kind of cutthem off and tell them not to

(01:33:57):
help, it, almost it implies thatyou can't do it right, I don't
need your help, and it it makesthem feel like you know they
can't actively participate.
So then you kind of get thesesituations where you know moms
are talking about how stressedout they are and they don't get
enough help, not realizing thatyou had the help.
The help just didn't look theway you wanted it.

(01:34:19):
And now you've discouraged thatperson, you know, you've
punished their behavior ofhelping.
So now, to avoid any type ofconsequence or aversive
interactions with you, they stayout of the way.
You've told them repeatedlynope, I got it, I'll do it.

(01:34:39):
And now they're letting you doit because they want to avoid
that conflict, they want toavoid that aversive interaction
with you, aversive interactionwith you.
So now you're doing everythingby yourself and you're stuck
doing everything by yourself.
So sometimes you have to takethe help as it comes, and I

(01:35:02):
think that's what Mr Williamswas really trying to explain to
me early on.
Don't start your relationship,don't start your motherhood
experience with doing everything.
If he wants to do something,let him do it and let him figure
out a way that works for himand be okay with allowing him to
do it his way.

(01:35:22):
And I've always kept that inmind.
That really guides a lot of ourparenting experiences, a lot of
our parenting experiences.
And even with my son he kind ofknows before he would kind of
do a double take like, uh, dad,what dad's gonna do it, dad,
what are you doing.

(01:35:43):
But now my son is able todiscriminate between the two of
us when, when you're with mom,this is how things go, when
you're with dad, this is howthings go, and it is what it is,
and he just has to pivot andthat's okay with me.
So that was the best advicethat I was given.

(01:36:03):
So that brings us to the end ofthe show.
Thank you so much for listeningto this special episode, getting
to know me if you hung out tothe end of the show.
Thank you so much for listeningto this special episode,
getting to know me if you hungout to the end of the show.
Thank you so much.
You are greatly appreciated.
I hope I dropped a few gems andI hope you return to the next

(01:36:24):
episode with our next specialguest.
Thank you so much for listening.
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to be a guest on the show, ifyou have recommendations for a
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(01:36:44):
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(01:37:05):
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